Bizarro #5

I hope this issue breaks into a music video chase scene.

Here's something to think about: consensual sex among citizens of Bizarro World would look like rape to us.

Somehow Bizarro, Jimmy, Chastity, and Bizarro's Penis have wound up in Area 51 jail since the end of the last issue. Maybe it happened at the end of the last issue. Look, I read an awful lot of comic books every month. Take into account I'm also watching all of the super hero television shows, trying to finish reading the six thousand plus page Richard Burton edition of 1001 Arabian Nights, working through a fuckton of 20th century poetry, not to mention (although mentioning) whatever books I read to relax, and snorting a lot of synthetic cocaine (or possibly Styrofoam beads?), I have a hard time remembering everything I've consumed from month to month. Which is a total shame because what are we other than our memories and experiences? If I can't remember anything I experience then who the fuck am I?

Right now I'm the guy who wants to go roller skating and eat cotton candy with Michalie Portenberg!

Isn't she adorable?!

The Non-Certified Spouse just spent three hours morphing different celebrities with each other or herself on Morphthing.com. I decided she should morph Natalie Portman and Michelle Trachtenberg together because I knew it would be super cute.

Oh wait! I'm feeling a little bit better about my memory because the comic book flashes back to three days ago when Jimmy and Bizarro first met Spooky-not-SPOOPY-you-fucking-idiots Mulder and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully. Although I feel bad about my memory again when I realize I should have known there would be a flashback scene because this is a comic book and comic book writers have yet to realize that that trick is so old and stupid that I should probably think of a joke denigrating Republicans to finish this statement but I'm being lazy so....

I remember when Area 51 was super mysterious and exciting! Especially Hangar 18!

My grandfather received a mysterious commendation from Kelly Johnson, the man responsible for Area 51. My grandfather worked at the Skunk Works but it was all hush-hush secrecy so the only thing I know for sure that he worked on was the SR-71 Blackbird. He probably helped reverse engineer anti-gravity technology from the crashed space ship at Roswell!

The team accept the job to get their asses shot breaking into Area 51 and head to Las Vegas.

This dealer is terrible. Bizarro said not to hit!

I guess there are only like two or three jokes you can write about Las Vegas so the action returns to Area 51. They still have at least one autopsy joke left to make there. Maybe they'll even make a "What happens in Area 51, stays in Area 51" joke, right? That's something people who have been anally probed like to say, right? Anyway, in Area 51 prison, Jimmy points out that they have to anally probe the toughest alien in captivity to show their prison dominance. They might also have to mutilate a cow, depending on which aliens they're trying to impress. Those gray aliens sure have some weird hobbies.

It turns out Bizarro's Penis, Colin, is the scariest thing in the prison. That makes sense.

And then the story is back in Las Vegas! I guess they forgot to make a dead hooker joke because those are always hilarious. It's like "Oh no! I paid to have sex with a woman but that isn't the horrible part because sex workers in many situations are competent businesspersons who should not be made to feel shamed for the choices they have made. The horrible 'oh no' part is that I killed her (probably on accident) and now she is in the trunk of my rental car! This will surely break down into a series of dramatic events in which I'm almost caught but escape through quick thinking and clever dialogue. Finally I will never wind up having to pay for killing the hooker because she was just a hooker, right? Also it is Las Vegas where this kind of thing is expected and probably hilarious."

Oh! This is the part of the story where the one best friend discovers the secret being kept by the other best friend about how the best friend isn't really the best friend of the best friend because the best friend secretly doesn't even like the best friend! But later we'll learn that the best friend has learned to love the best friend and they'll reconcile and probably fuck.

Back in Area 51 prison, Bizarro gets in a fight with a sentient squirrel. I mean, a H'lvenite! It's wrong to call alien lifeforms by words describing the Earth thing they look like. Although that didn't stop Guy Gardner when he was partnered up with Zilius Zox.

The fight was pre-planned so that Munk the H'lvenite could detach Bizarro's power draining collar. Then once Bizarro was back to normal, the group could escape Area 51 Prison! But first the soldiers drive a tank into the prison and shoot Bizarro with it at point blank range.

Why do people keep building prisons with fairly easy access to destructive weapons and technology?

Bizarro chooses an old Superman outfit, Jimmy picks up some Thanagarian wings and a mace, and Chastity Hex does not find crotchless lace underwear like I was hoping. She winds up flying around with a jet-pack and a couple of lasers. I hope she gets her own series after this series ends. But I hope it's written by Neil Gaiman.

General Lane stops the brawl and insists that everybody do everything he say immediately because he's a general in the United States Army! That's practically the ultimate authority. If you're human, of course. Our Lizard Overseers wouldn't give a shit about General Lane. But Lane learns of a bigger authority than himself when Jimmy points out that he's been recording everything and sending it to Lois Lane! She'll blab anything! If General Lane wants to keep any secrets, he's going to have to do what his daughter wants! Although if Lois refuses to publish what she's learned in exchange for something she desires, she's doing a disservice to her readership!

All of the aliens are set free and Lois doesn't publish the story for some reason. Or maybe she'll just publish it later. Chastity goes off into space with Kilowog's cousin. And Bizarro's Penis catches a lift with some gray aliens. I guess that means everything worked out how it was supposed to! Or not how it was supposed to. Or maybe it all just ended the way life just ends. Although one issue is left so that's the issue where Jimmy is going to have to apologize to Bizarro for hurting his feelings.

Bizarro #5 Rating: No change. DC Comics should remember how convenient four issue miniseries were. They were just enough to get a story told without overstaying their welcome if they weren't the most interesting things in the world. Don't worry about how a four issue series doesn't quite hit the sweet spot on the page length and pricing chart for a collected edition. Instead, realize that a lot of people will commit to a four issue mini-series without even caring about the overall quality! This Bizarro miniseries was interesting enough with one or two funny moments per issue but it's really running long at six issues. We get the joke. I say not only forget doing six issue series but forget doing open-ended series altogether! Stop giving writers who have nothing to actually say a book that is expected to run for as long as it can (for example, Scott Lobdell with Doomed). Instead, give more writers who pitch a coherent, intriguing story four issues to tell it. Seriously though, I have so many four issue miniseries in my collection that I've probably never read because I just picked them up to read after they were all out and then never got to them. Four issue miniseries are potential goldmines!

Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

Bizarro #2

YOU! Got what I neeeeeeeeeed! But you say he's just a friend! You say he's just a friend. OH BABY!!

My dream is to be the Biz Markie of comic book reviewers! Have I succeeded yet?! My pockets aren't full of cash so I'm going to assume the answer is no. But that's not a problem on my side! That's a problem with the sophistication and intelligence of the people not giving me scads of cash. Jerks! I bet all those people with money are sitting around talking about their money and how excited they are to have Bloom County back after they quickly read the Bloom County Wikipedia to find out what all the hubbub was about. Hey! I'm super artsy and popular and funny too! At least I could be popular if everybody started talking about me! You should be the first people to talk about me on social media sites because that would make you cool and cutting edge! You could build the bandwagon! Also, you should be an investor with lots of money who isn't expecting a return on that money because I'm just going to spend it on Oreos and fines for masturbating in public.

Hmm. Since Bizarro is rated E for Everyone, I probably shouldn't mention masturbating in the commentary for it. Although, as long as I don't make a big deal about the word "masturbation" and call attention to it, all the young Everyones won't know what it is or how much time they'll be spending doing it in a few years!

Hey DC Comics! Leave the poorly drawn stick people crayon pages to me! You'll be hearing from my pretend lawyer whose never lost a pretend case in his life.

I've been reading the second edition of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry published about twenty years ago because I really like poetry by old white people and Langston Hughes as well. What I have discovered so far is that I don't appreciate Gerard Manley Hopkins at all. It's as if he decided he was going to write the most incomprehensible comic book reviews poetry he could think of, throw in a bunch of references to Jesus and Mary, and add a bunch of accent marks to make sure everybody was stressing his syllables correctly. As if it mattered! His meter is fucking--and I'm being quite technical in my poetry criticism lingo here--wackadoodle! Maybe it's just me. I have to admit some of his meter and schemes are quite clever, and he never makes them easy by not ending sentences where they usually end in low grade amateur poetry (at the end of the line! Duh!). I think people like him because he's difficult and liking difficult poetry makes a person better than a person who doesn't like difficult poetry. They get to look down their snobby noses at the dissenter and say things like, "You just don't understand it." Oh, I understand it's crap, jerk! Sometimes I like difficult poetry! But I certainly don't like Gerard Manley Hopkins' difficult poetry! Although that one where the nuns drown was hilarious.

Gosh darn it, Bizarro! Now a whole generation of kids are going to think King Tut was Pharaoh during the time of Moses! Thanks for contributing to Dumb Kids Who Don't Know Their Bible Culture!

I'm sure glad God is fooled by changing the "d" in his name to "sh"! That way I can get away with committing blasphemy whenever I stub my toe or rant at a fictional character! Watch this! "Hey Gosh! Suck it! Your son Jeezly Crow is garbage!" Hee hee! The best part is I can't be punished on a technicality! God is dumb! I mean Gosh is dumb! Crap!

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

As an areligious kid growing up in Northern California, I had no idea that Schlemiel or a Schlimazel was anything other than complete nonsense. I don't think I learned of the existence of Jewish people until that commercial with the son and his grandfather fishing where the kid is a huge transphobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic bigot. Even back then, I knew to yell at the television set within earshot of people who would nod in assent and approve of my views, "That kid is gross! He should be shunned and destroyed!"

Oh! I forgot I was reading Bizarro. Um, Jimmy Olsen is freed from Tut's spell by Bizarro's penis chewing on his skull. Don't worry! It doesn't have to make sense! This book is rated E for Everyone. Have you read a children's book lately? They're worse than a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins! I wish my middle name were "Manley" and then people would just assume I knew about cars and sports and pleasuring women without always embarrassing me by asking me questions I can't answer. Like "What is an engine?" and "How many sports does a sportsball score?" and "Why would I have sex with you?"

Bizarro's penis also slaps Tut's daughter in the head, breaking the spell on her as well. I should probably remember her name because it might seem sexist that I can't remember it as opposed to seeming like I have a serious brain injury which I wish I had right now to defend against any accusations of sexism.

What's her name's boobs look hot, right?

Bizarro uses Super-Hypnosis to defeat King Tut by making him think he's a chicken. I don't know what Bizarro really thought he was turning King Tut into because I don't know what the opposite of chicken is. When Tut drops his Staff of Ra, Jimmy Olsen breaks it over his knee releasing a huge amount of destructive magic energy! No, no. It just breaks in two. So unbelievable.

Does Superman have Super-Hypnosis? I suppose he would have the opposite of that power which is Super-Gullibility?

After Jimmy and Bizarro are given medallions and a convertible for saving the people of Smallville from buying some cars, they leave town, presumably for Gotham if the cover can be believed. Regina, King Tut's daughter, decides she needs to get revenge on Bizarro for turning her father into an Indigo Girl's song. Part of her motivation might also be the influence of the Staff of Ra after she repairs it. Also she might be mad at Jimmy Olsen for not kissing her after she gave him a car.

In Gotham, Jimmy Olsen snaps a picture of Kelley Jones' Batman throwing a Batarang into Bizarro's head. Next they stop off at Central City where Jimmy snaps a picture of Bizarro clotheslining The Flash as he runs by. Jimmy must have a pretty fast shutter speed! Unless it's something else about cameras that lets them capture fast moving objects. Like the aperture! Or the cell phone plan!

After evading the ARGUS Agents that have been following them across the country, Jimmy and Bizarro head into a ghost town where Jimmy gets to meet another fantastic looking woman he's not going to do it to. I mean, he's not going to do it to her because she's going to be a fully fleshed out character who is not just in the comic as a romantic foil for Jimmy Olsen. She won't be that at all! But she must still have nice bosoms and a nice behind, of course, or else all the male fans will throw the book down in disgust while scratching their huge bellies and wondering why the room smells like old farts and sniffing the hand that was just scratching their balls to determine if they should take a shower or not before the big Magic Tournament later that night.

Chastity Hex am not stripper name at all!

Night falls and the ghosts come out and I inscribe "Chastity Hex" on the inside of my Secret Diary where I keep the names of all of my crushes.

Bizarro #2 Rating: No change. It am not funny at all. By which I mean it has quite a few moments that really entertained me. It's a cute book!

Bizarro #1

Ha ha! The one is backwards!

This comic book is rated "E" for everyone. Is that a Bizarro rating? Does that mean it's actually not for anybody? I'm disappointed in the rating. I was hoping that Jimmy Olsen was going to introduce Bizarro to the concept of Lot Lizards during their road trips. I guess instead they're just going to have easily palatable adventures on the road. Maybe they'll play license plate Bingo and stop at Sonic for shakes. Then Bizarro will give Jimmy a handie as Jimmy drives which means Bizarro won't give Jimmy a handie because get it? He does the opposite!

I wonder how many reviews of this comic book resorted to talking like Bizarro throughout the review? I'd respect those reviews more than the ones that probably spent the first two or three sentences speaking like Bizarro before calling attention to how confusing it is before going back to their regular, insufferable, boring ass reviews where they say things like, "The art really set the tone in that special way that art sets the tone for the tone of the comic book's tone. And also this sentence says something good about the colorist that I've probably said five bajillion times because how many ways can you say, 'This comic book had colors that were colorful'?"

The issue begins two hours into Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen's road trip. If you haven't read the Sneak Peek, you might be wondering, "Why are Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen on a road trip?" Well, let me fill you in on that! Jimmy likes money and he thinks he can make money by taking Bizarro on a road trip and photographing him in compromising situations.

Jimmy Olsen thinks he can get more than money but since that reward is harder to explain to the younger part of "E is for Everyone," we'll just keep pretending he's only in it for the money. So he can afford prostitutes!

A couple of people are following Jimmy and Bizarro at a discrete distance because Bizarro could be dangerous. They probably work for ARGUS. Or the Daily Planet.

So, two hours out of Metropolis and Bizarro decides to pull out his cock which he calls Colin the Chupacabra. Things don't go well for Jimmy.

Don't worry! The younger Everyones won't understand why Jimmy Olsen is choking to death.

Bizarro's pet Chupacabra looks a lot like a real Chupacabra! I've got a figure of one in my office next to my crystal skull and my Red King. It's not the same color but that's easily explained! My figure is of an actual, historically accurate Chupacabra and Bizarro's Chupacabra is just a raccoon with severe mange.

Bizarro tells the origin story of Colin the Chupacabra. It has a really nice panel that I would use for my banner if Colin's cry had just happened to be "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" instead of "Shooo-kah!"

Actually, Bonobos are highly sexed so that manholes and bonobos statement is a fuck joke. E for Everyone my not-as-tight-as-it-used-to-be ass!

Jimmy crashes his car into a tree because he had Bizarro's cock lodged in his throat. That means Bizarro is going to have to carry Jimmy's car to Canada. Or maybe just to a garage in Smallville which must be two hours outside Metropolis. Or maybe it's Bizarro Two Hours outside Metropolis! That makes more sense. I think.

This issue is called "Bizarro America: Part 6" because six is the opposite of one.

At a diner, Jimmy Olsen gets wind of a used car lot run by King Tut! Oh no! That's just like the name of that super villain in Batman '66 that I always found super boring so I usually changed the channel when he was in an episode even if that meant I might miss Lost in Space after Batman was over.

King Tut has a daughter who is drawn very sexily for an E is for Everyone cartoon character. She has two boobs and a crotch which seems a bit much for the younger readers. Plus she has a Queen Tut costume that I can't wait to see her wearing because it would really bring out her intelligence and give her a sense of agency!

Jimmy takes his car to be fixed by King Tut but he might get more than he bargained for!

Like seeing girl penis!

King Tut's daughter Regina is too sexy to be flirting with Jimmy Olsen. She must be trying to set him up so that her father can knock him down and Jimmy will end up with a beautiful car and thousands of dollars in debt. Also the car will probably be a lemon.

While Jimmy and Bizarro take photos for Jimmy's future coffee table book, Regina quits the car lot so she can follow her dream of making artisanal chocolate. That's super sexy, right? Her father doesn't seem to care because he's praying to Egyptian Gods. He makes contact with them and receives the Staff of Ra. Except he doesn't realize the Gods were just aliens fucking around with him as they search for their pal, Ch'ck the Chupacabra.

I think I like Regina better in her street clothes.

Jimmy's car won't be fixed until the next day so he and Bizarro head to a motel for the night. It only has one vacancy left so they share a bed. Bizarro dreams of happy people loving him and viewing him as a hero. He's surrounded by unicorns and rainbows and kittens. Bizarro is a truly happy creature. Jimmy doesn't dream of anything because he's ensorcelled and sleep walks over to King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis to purchase a car along with every other citizen in Smallville. It's up to Bizarro to save the day and keep everybody from driving away happily in a nearly brand new car of their literal dreams! Get it? Literal because they're all still sleeping!

Bizarro #1 Rating: 7.5 Non-Backwards Stars out of Ten. This is no Vertigo title but it's pretty much what it sold itself to be in the Sneak Peek. It's silly and cartoony and a bit of comic book fun. Plus it had a Chupacabra and Aliens in it. But it wasn't "ha ha ha I'm busting my nuts" funny so it only gets a slightly above average score for keeping me entertained for an hour or so. I imagine it's the kind of comic book that can be read in three minutes though and then it would seem like an awful lot of money for such a minor distraction! If that's the case, I recommend you read it three or four more times. Also try to remember when you read it that the Twix Advertisement is not part of the story. I know it looks like it is but trust me! It is not!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!

Superman #35

I believe this makes 35 Superman comic covers in a row where his eyes are glowing.

Look, guys! It's Laura Martin of Planetary fame coloring outside of all of the lines like a maniac! I mean, like a rebel individual with aspirations to be a precious snowflake! Hi Laura! HI!

So Superman's pacifist-raised, long-haired analogy has made the ultimate super-boo-boo! He went and killed an innocent because he let himself get out of control. Or maybe he just thought he was deactivating a robot. But then Superman would never have made that mistake! Mostly because Batman would never let him hear the end of it. Maybe if Ulysses had first met Batman before going into battle, he would have been too afraid to do anything wrong, thus earning the wrath of The Batman. But that didn't happen. Not at all! What really happened was Ulysses killed a person and now Superman is wondering if Batman can do more for Ulysses than simply forge a Social Security Card and Birth Certificate. Can Batman quietly dispose of bodies? Is that against his dumb code of ethics?

Ulysses and the dead guy aren't the only ones having a bad day. Meanwhile at the Daily Planet:

Poor, poor Friesen. Wait, who? I hope he becomes Clark Kent's mundane office nemesis! Superman has plenty! Shouldn't Clark have at least one?

Down in the sewers, Superman lectures Ulysses about using lethal force. I think he also lies to Ulysses and tells him the man Ulysses thought he killed had already been killed by one of The Machinationist's Mind Ticks. Of course Superman has to cover up the murder! He doesn't want to be an accessory to manslaughter. I suppose with a good lawyer like Matt Murdock, Ulysses could get off on self-defense. I would hope that the law would consider my actions if I killed an innocent man coming at me with a hatchet even if the innocent man had been hypnotized to kill me with a hatchet and wasn't really in control of his actions. On the other hand, the jury would have to see it as self-defense because every juror has heard that you can't be hypnotized to do something you normally wouldn't do. Therefore, the man probably really wanted to kill me with a hatchet!

After the lecture, Ulysses and Superman rush off to almost but not quite kill the Machinationist!

During the beating, the mysterious man with the staff watches on closed circuit television. He knows Superman's secret identity is Clark Kent! He may or may not have bet money on the outcome. It's all very mysterious and inconsequential to the main plot. At least for now.

The battle with the Machinationist is over in just a page or two, as it should be. Superman's battles against villains should never run too many pages because no threat should threaten Superman. The main troubles Superman should be dealing with are ethical choices and moral equivocations and sexually transmitted diseases from the Phantom Zone glory hole in the Fortress of Solitude.

I sense a Darth Vader in the works.

The guy behind the closed circuit television might be Mr. Oz because that totally makes sense, right? The Machinationist mentions him by name before blowing himherself up. After that, Ulysses takes a little look around, decides Earth sucks, and offers to bring six million people back with him to the peaceful world he came from in the Fourth Dimension.

Superman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I appreciate that the threat Superman is dealing with is not a big space alien with lots of muscles, nor a magic being that can ignore his vulnerability, or a psychic monstrosity that can control him and turn him into the threat everybody fears. I like that the real antagonist is a friend that may never do anything harmful to Earth at all. But he may cause the place harm by trying his best to help. And so the question is: how will Superman deal with it?

Superman Unchained #6

I forgot this book existed.

It's been three months since the last issue of Superman Unchained. Somebody tell Jim Lee it's okay if he can't keep a schedule. He's got plenty of other things to do like running DC's whatever department he runs and scribbling all over the faces of the characters he draws. But he should really take some responsibility and tell everybody, "You know what? I wouldn't stand for this late bullshit from the people working under me. And I shouldn't stand for it from myself. So I'm firing myself from the Superman Unchained job!" And then he'd piss himself and run weeping from the conference room. That's how everybody ends a corporate meeting, right?

Since nobody probably even remembers that this book was being published, let me catch y'all up to speed on what was happening. Ascension told Lois Lane their reasons for doing what they're doing and then launched all the nuclear missiles in the world. I don't know what newspapers will be left to publish Lois's story after all the explosions and fallout and EMPs have quieted down but that's not my problem. That's Lois's problem because she's going to flip the fuck out when she realizes she has the greatest headline in the world ready to go and the world is suddenly out of order.

Lex Luthor found out which hand Jimmy Olsen usually uses when beating off his best pal Superman and placed a Kryptonite implant into it.

Lex Luthor is really fucking good at origami.

Superman took Wraith to check out the Fortress of Solitude only to have Wraith threaten to kill him. That's the last slumber party he's ever going to be invited to.

I think Sam Lane was doing some important shit too. Trying to stop Ascension and kill Superman and impress his daughter.

Also, some five year old got a hold of one of my micron pens and scribbled all over the faces of all the male charac...oh wait. Sorry. That's just Jim Lee's style. Never mind.

Antarctica? What the fuck?! Hey, you assholes at DC! Let's not go through this shit again! The Arctic and Antarctica are two separate places and Superman's Fortress has never been in Antarctica! Or does his Fortress switch places with NOWHERE's Headquarters in some kind of unstable, quantum state with the two structures irrevocably bound together?

What is wrong with the staff at DC? Did they not learn their geography lesson when Lobdell and DeFalco kept changing the location of NOWHERE's base? Do people not know that Antarctica is not in the Arctic?! It's the opposite of the Arctic! It's the antonym of the Arctic! It's right in the fucking name! Mostly!

Batman tries to contact Superman to go over the game plan to stop the nuclear missiles but he wastes a number of minutes trying to get through to him in the Arctic. So now the world is probably fucked! Superman realizes this and decides to go speak with Ascension instead of stopping any missiles. Since he can't stop them all, he just won't bother. Hopefully Ascension has a button that will make the missiles not explode somehow.

Batman, Green Lantern (Simon Baz, I guess?), and Wonder Woman will try to stop as many missiles as they can. Batman doesn't mention The Flash although I think he could be helpful too! Unless the missiles are all programmed to explode a mile or so over their targets. That's probably the case. Fuck you, The Flash. You should be able to help because you're so Goddamned fast but since you can't fly, you're completely useless. Like that other guy that doesn't get a mention: Aquaman.

So what will be on Wraith's head? An America that didn't get hit by any missiles? Seems fair. Although he's probably eating his spleen about the fact he's going to have to keep missiles from hitting Canada and Mexico as well.

While Wraith flies off to save American infrastructure (because, let's face it. If he allows the hundreds of missiles to explode everywhere else around the world, Americans are all kind of fucked anyway, right? But at least their cities won't get blown to shit), Superman crashes into Ascension Headquarters in the middle of the Atlantic to find Lois hot on the story! Even though Superman is super pissed off, you can see the little bit of Clark Kent crying behind Supe's eyes as he realizes Lois must be ten thousand times a better investigative journalist than he'll ever be. She fucking found Ascension before even The Jeezly Crow Batman!

Lois has all the information to stop Ascension but the leader hits the self-destruct and blows the entire island to ashes. Superman rescues Lois and Lois rescues just one piece of Earthstone Crystal. I guess that piece is going to have to be enough to stop the missiles. Since it's similar to Krypton's system of Sundildos, Superman can probably insert it in his Crystal Matrix back at the Fortress of Solitude.

Meanwhile Aquaman is struggling to finish the New York Times Monday Crossword Puzzle.

Or maybe he doesn't need the Fortress after all. Good thing since Antarctica is so far away.

Superman creates some kind of shield that causes the missiles to fall apart without detonating their warheads. So what happens to the hundreds of warheads that now fall undetonated to the Earth? I guess they don't explode. But who's going to account for them all?! I'm sure several dozen will wind up in the hands of the likes of Lex Luthor and Black Manta, right?

Wraith wants Superman's Earthstone for the American Military but Superman is all, "I've got scribbles on my face, you bitch!" And Lois is all, "I've only got like one scribble on my face because I'm hot!" And Wraith is all, "Ewwwww!"

Or they say other shit but I'm too distracted by all the scribbles.

Wraith decides Superman needs a super beating because I can't get enough of adding "super" to anything that happens to Superman. But Superman is prepared because Batman gave him a secret weapon to use against Wraith: synthetic mineral! Wait, what? Is that like Generic Kryptonite? It is a yellow ring! You see, young people, you know how different stores like Safeway and Fred Meyer all sell their own brand of products? Back when I was young, those products wouldn't waste any money on even that amount of branding! They were just yellow or white products with big black font. So if you wanted cheap beer, you didn't get Pabst Blue Ribbon or Hamms. You got BEER.

This was all my friend Phil Newby's father ever had in the fridge.

So Batman has created Generic Kryptonite which defeats Superman's cheap knock-off rival, Wraith. Superman beats Wraith's ass until Sam Lane orders Wraith to retreat. Wraith flies away screaming, "This isn't the last you've heard of WRAAAAAIIIITTTH!"

Afterward, Superman brings Lois to the Fortress of Solitude because that seems like a much better idea than bringing Wraith, an alien that wants to kill him, into his home. Lois will just memorize all of his secret shit and write a huge exposé on him and his secret home! He does it to keep her safe but I bet he winds up regretting it! Hopefully he didn't leave his Clark glasses lying around where she might see them.

Superman doesn't once mention the warheads that have fallen all over the planet. Maybe that's The Flash's job! Collect them and deliver them to the guy that must dispose of them: Aquaman!

While Superman studies the Earthstone, he notices its programming begins to be rewritten. I guess the crystalline matrix is like software. A close up examination shows that it's being rewritten in Krypton! What could it mean?! I have no idea because before Superman can speculate, Sam Lane and his army of AT-ATs stage an attack on the Fortress of Solitude! Find out in three months what happens next!

There is a two page epilogue, by the way. Here's the second page:

Whoops!

Superman Unchained #6 Rating: +1 Ranking! I'm glad I'm keeping this blog or I wouldn't have had any fucking clue as to what had been happening previously! Man, I really hope General Lane loses his fucking job. Who said it was okay to use his Super Secret Anti-Superman Army to kill the guy it was built to kill? I mean, who said he could do it now! Obviously it's the reason it was built. But Superman just saved the world! I think a lot of people are going to be pissed if General Lane kills Supes now just because Superman humiliated his pet project Wraith.

Superman Unchained #5

Is Blue Kryptonite like Viagra?

Last issue, Superman was shot in the ass. I have a feeling that won't be dealt with in this issue at all. Also, Jimmy Olsen was given a Kryptonite Implant in his hand although Superman probably won't even notice since he always feels a little bit sick when Jimmy Olsen is around anyway. More importantly, other shit was going down. Really intense shit judging by the amount of lines Jim Lee has applied to everybody's faces. But it was overly complicated and involved guys in masks and dying blind monks and blue Kryptonite and the American military and I really don't want to get into it all. So hopefully y'all remember what was going on better than I do.

But before we get back to the main story, how about a flashback recounting how pervy Clark Kent was?!

Not that any growing boy (or grown man (or overgrown old guy)) wouldn't be using his X-ray vision on a daily basis. I mean, obviously we'd all respect everyone's privacy and never use it to act pervy ever!

In his flashback, Clark and Lana fall off the silo but Clark saves them by floating in midair. Which is odd because he actually won't be able to fly for many years later. Perhaps he can accidentally fly in times of stress but he never really learns how to control it. When he realizes what he's doing, he probably plummets to the ground. Luckily Lana has fainted so she doesn't get to learn his secret identity yet. Just wait until she learns about his X-ray Vision! Suddenly her mom's going to wonder why the fuck she's asking for lead-lined undergarments for Christmas.

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Ascension, and Wraith and Superman are on the hunt for her. But before they continue looking for her, Superman decides to take Wraith back to his place. He's really getting awfully chummy with this guy who already said he's going to kill him. Superman might be kind of stupid.

Lois has been kept alive by Ascension so that they can tell her their story and she can get a front page headline at the Daily Planet, impressing everybody except the one person she desperately needs to impress: her father. Speaking of her father, Sam Lane, he's the head of a top secret military branch called The Machine.

Look at that intense face on the leader! Jim Lee really is a master of the Art of the Scribbles!

After this speech, the leader of Ascension decides to reveal his true self to Lois Lane.

Isn't that the same guy? Shouldn't his facial scribbles be different?

Jonathan Rudolph's reason for attacking the world and the military and technology and just being a dick in general is because a crazy, senile old man told him crazy, senile things. At least Jonathan Rudolph spells his name better than Lois's boyfriend Jonathon Whats-his-name. Here's the problem with a senile person spouting crazed nonsense and truth: how the fuck do you know what's what? Well, apparently Jonathan here could tell. It was probably a certain clarity in his grandfather's eye. Or the fact that his grandfather wasn't pulling out his cock every few minutes while telling stories about The Machine. I guess it doesn't matter now if his grandfather was senile or not when talking about The Machine because Jonathan is reacting to it and trying to fuck everyone up now anyway. I wonder if his grandfather ever spoke about the Nazi Warwheel!

Due to Crazy Grandad's interference, Ascension has used the alien equation better than the American Military and created Earthstone, a crystal that allows them to control all technology created by the equation! This is because Crazy Grandad altered the formula and now only Ascension knows about Earthstone (which is the Blue Kryptonite that I figured probably wasn't Kryptonite and now I know what it is!). And they're going to use it to destroy technology so that man can start over and come up with everything they've already come up with but without help because that seems like a smart idea. I suppose they believe man isn't morally capable of utilizing the things they've created because they weren't allowed to mature before they created it themselves. Except being that Ascension is composed of humans, I suppose it's more likely that they want to destroy all the technology so that they can control it themselves and get all the patents for the new technology that comes out and be the biggest group of dicks (i.e. corporation!) in the world!

Meanwhile back in the past, Clark Kent is trying to remember how to fly.

Also, Ma Kent has made a new toothless friend. Oh, farm living! That's the life for me! I bet he lost that tooth and his penis in a horrible augur accident. Those fucking augurs should be outlawed! Maximum Overdrive shouldn't have been about semi-trucks! It should have been blood-thirsty augurs laying siege to that gas station!

The most unbelievable thing about Superboy comic books across decades of Superboy comics is that Pa Kent always had all of his fingers.

Ma Kent is young and attractive. As opposed to old and attractive like I'm used to! I wonder if Ma and Pa Kent were just young in The New 52 when they found Kal-el or they've gotten that serum from the aliens that made them young again!

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman shows off his impressive collection of alien weapons to Wraith. Well, the Needler isn't that impressive. His armory is probably the reason Superman brought Wraith back here. He's just comparing offensive cocks with Wraith. "Threaten me, will you bitch? Well, look at all the shit I've got to bring to our little duel."

Now I have to believe that Jor-el didn't just choose Earth but he specifically chose America? Then that means he chose Kansas as well! And who the fuck would do that to their own son?!

Man, that last caption was spoken like a true Native Californian! When I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for a few years, you should have heard the reactions from all of my family and friends. It was like they thought I'd time traveled to the 1500s! I, of course, didn't want to lose my bias that the midwest was full of hicks, so I just pretended that the only reason everybody was normal and spoke with less accent than I did was simply because I was in a college town. You know the best part of moving to Nebraska from California? Like, you don't have to, like, here the word "like," like, ten times in every sentence! I did enjoy learning to call Coke "pop" although I never really took to calling grocery bags "sacks." Except now that I'm in Oregon, I often refer to them as sacks because language is an insidious virus where you believe that you can use it ironically but eventually it just becomes natural. I remember first hearing a clerk at a grocery store ask me if I'd like a sack and being completely perplexed. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And after realizing what they were referring to, the first thing I thought about was Jack Handey and his Deep Thought about always carrying around two sacks so that when somebody asks you to help with something, you can say, "Can't. Got these sacks!" And how I always pictured a guy walking around with potato sacks since that was the only way I'd ever heard that word used. But it finally made sense! The guy in the Deep Thought didn't look like a maniac at all! Just a guy out doing his shopping!

I don't know why Wraith is so wrapped up in America and its military especially. I'm guessing it was some kind of Manchurian Candidate level brainwashing. Too bad he didn't land in Canada or Jamaica. He'd sure have a different view of Earth if he had.

Wraith asks Superman to consider the future and how everybody is going to get old around him while he stays young. What the fuck is Superman? A vampire? I'd guess he'd be more like an over-tanner! All that yellow sun energy can't be healthy for a guy to absorb day in and day out. Anyway, people get older and shit while Clark continues to look fuckable.

The most unbelievable part of Clark's vision of the future is that newspapers still exist in 2024.

More than anybody on Earth, Wraith and Superman should be above national boundaries and religious differences and national identities based on cultural pride and arrogance. Wraith is just trying to pull Superman down into some nationalist bullshit that will just make him less effective when it comes to protecting the world. That might be the main difference. Superman is about protecting people; Wraith is about policing them.

Also, Wraith decides to pull a weapon off of Superman's wall and threaten him with it. What a dick.

Back in the past, Ma Kent gets shotgun-whipped while Mr. Colder prepares to blast the fuck out of Superboy. He's in for a big surprise! Although I bet Pa Kent beats the crap out of him before Mr. Colder ever finds out that Superboy is invulnerable.

And then Ascension decides this must be the 80s because they launch all the nuclear missiles in the world. All of them. Every single one! Because fuck it, you know? That'll teach them! Nobody knows who "them" is but Crazy Grandad couldn't be wrong, right? Things will be better this way! Instead of having a world controlled by people who are going to destroy it, just destroy the world yourself! Problem solved! I think.

And then in the past, Mr. Colder unloads his shotgun into young Clark. He screams something about no more hiding because, I guess, that was the entire theme of this issue. Somehow Superman is hiding. Sure, he's hiding if you think he ought to be following your agenda. But he's not. He's doing what he thinks is right and living his life the best way he knows how. He's got a complicated life and how dare everybody, from Wraith to Mr. Colder, try to tell Superman who he should be. They can all just go fuck themselves. Right in their own Goddamned faces.

Superman Unchained #5 Rating: No change. This comic book has too much America in it. It's making me uncomfortable. I especially like that Scott Snyder has basically created a Superman that would really be American as opposed to Clark Kent's version that America has accepted as its poster child for truth, justice, and the American Way. Wraith is the actual poster child for the American Way which really has no room for truth or justice.

Superman Unchained #4

Without a public identity, how can Superman fight knock-off uses of his trademark?

Tonight on Jeopardy, one of the categories was "Country's Lowest Point" and my first thought was "World War II. What is Germany?" And then "Assassination of JFK. What is the U.S.?" Turns out, as you all realized immediately, it was a geography category. By the way, the final Jeopardy category was Video Game History. The question was What is the Legend of Zelda? The third place guy answered, "What is Zelda?" and by the look of the first place guy's face when Trebek said that was wrong, you knew he'd fucked it up as well. I laughed and pointed and yelled, "Ha ha! Loser jerks!" as I sat on my couch in my underwear covered in potato chip crumbs.

But now that I have more clothes and less crumbs on, I'm ready to talk smart about Superman! My definition and your definition of smart might vary dramatically.

Currently, Lex Luthor has kidnapped Jimmy Olsen because Lex Luthor needs an audience for his super villain speech where he reveals his evil plan to defeat Superman. Once, dressed as Captain Cold, I gave my very own death to the superhero speech to a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing The Flash's costume. I had a gun loaded with silly string pointed at him as he was tied to a stool on the backyard deck of my evil ice lair. It was maniacal! It was glorious! It was filled with doomsday and laughter and, most likely, sweet ass ice puns! And finally I pulled the trigger and a limp trail of silly string came out and tumbled just shy of his little body as the gun ran out of ammunition because I had been wasting it all night in my drunken revelry! I shook the gun, tried again, and nothing. So there was only one thing left to do. I stretched my arms out to the sky, looked up to the gathering clouds, and screamed, "NOOOOOOO!" Seriously. True story.

Here I am early in the evening when I felt unstoppable. Next to me is one of Professor Ivo's early attempts at a Wonder Woman robot. I think. It might simply have been Professor Ivo in drag.

So Lex Luthor is hopefully going to have more luck with his plans to kill Superman than I had with my plans to kill The Flash. But Jimmy Olsen isn't just a witness to the scheme; he's also a part of it! Lex Luthor has some crazy ass hand-stamping device in which he's probably going to inject Kryptonite into Jimmy's hand so that when Jimmy next gives Clark Kent a hand job, it will kill him. Fucking A. That's an awesome plan.

Meanwhile Wraith and Superman are fucking around in Tokyo fighting robots. How come Japan has never had a national super hero named Pachinko? I really think it's about time. In fact, it's so obvious, I bet they already have one but I've just never heard of her! After Superman and Wraith save Tokyo, Superman is going to have to sit Wraith down and have a talk with him about his name. What kind of a heroic name is Wraith? Seriously, that's bad guy nomenclature. Although Wraith has already threatened to kill Superman later so I guess it isn't an actual surprise to anybody. Plus Wraith works for the military and they have no idea how to name stuff so that it doesn't sound like they're about to curbstomp your country's capital in fifteen different ways.

While fighting the Russian Spider Robots, Superman takes a Super-bullet in his right shoulder and right ass cheek. Well, at least he'll be able to show Lois one of those scars. Although Jimmy will get to see them both right before he accidentally kills him.

So it seems everybody has been developing weapons specifically to kill Superman. What a bunch of thankless assholes. First the American Military develops Black Hole Bullets that suck Yellow Sun Energy out of Superman so the bullets can wound him. Then Lex Luthor develops Kryptonite Hand Implants so Clark's "friend" can kill him. And now the Russians have developed Spider Robots that shoot bullets which emit Red Sun Energy to soften Superman's ass just before they hit him. What the fuck is everybody's problem with Superman? I can understand wanting to kill that asshole Batman. But Superman? He's like a gigantic flying kitten that keeps people from accidentally dying. Anybody who wants to kill that is just a psychopath! I guess calling Lex Luthor, the American Military, and the Russian Government "psychopaths" isn't exactly making a bold statement, is it?

Lex Luthor is taking an awful long time to tell Jimmy Olsen that Jimmy Olsen will wind up being the murderer of Superman. I suppose it's because The Art of the Reveal of the Villainous Plan is almost exactly like Origami.

Meanwhile in Nova Scotia, the Magic Man with the Blue Kryptonite hands it over to Lois instead of Superman because he also believes Superman will soon be dead. Did everybody get an email that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and I weren't privy to? Also also, The Shard isn't actually Blue Kryptonite. It must be the Kryptonite from Wraith's world. Which would make it Lead because Wraith is probably a Daxamite. Except it's obviously a crystal shard and Wraith would have been dead a long time ago when the military stuck him in a lead lined bunker to keep Superman from seeing him. So there must be yet another world that produces Super-People that I can't remember. This is also tied to Ascension somehow. They're terrorists or saviors or Luddites or something.

Hmm. Reluctant to take a lead lined door in his hands? Perhaps he is a Daxamite!

Superman and Wraith combine forces to defeat the Ascension Spiders which must be made from wooden gears and catgut since they're so against technology. Also they use a brand of internet based on silk worms, spiders, and moths. After the battle, Superman asks where Wraith is from and Wraith responds, "..." Either he doesn't have an answer or that's the name of the planet he comes from. But before Superman can press him, Clark Kent gets a call from Perry Jameson explaining that Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane are both missing. Again! Fuck those two. So careless when they're trying to get a story.

Lois Lane takes the Blue Crystal from the blind man after he's hit by an ambulance driving itself. And then she's kidnapped by Ascension in their Luddite masks. The Guy Fawkes mask make for a much better movement, if you ask me. Ned Ludd looks like a well-groomed, Irish Rambo. They take her away to some dark room to reveal that General Lane is behind their creation. Luckily they don't search her bag and find the Blue Crystal so that she can use it against Wraith later.

And Lex Luthor finally reveals that Jimmy Olsen will be the one to kill Superman. Jesus, that guy is a long-winded bastard.

Superman Unchained #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lex Luthor's paper dolls were cute. Is that enough of a review? Oh! I wonder how Superman is going to get that bullet out of his ass! That thing is going to fester when he realizes nobody can cut open his skin and he can't use his heat vision to cut open his own ass. Oh, sure. He can try to do the bounce it off of a mirror trick. But the kind of heat needed to penetrate the skin on his ass will shatter any mirror he tries to bounce it off of! I suppose Jimmy Olsen can probably do it now that he has a Kryptonite Surgical Hand.