Dark Nights: Metal #4

No. YOU got lube on YOUR scanner.

It's been five years since Metal #3 hit the stands but thanks to great planning by way of writing a blog entry about Metal #3, I remember exactly what was happening! Well, maybe not exactly since the plot points are punctuated by a bunch of dick jokes. I can't be certain, five years later, which dick jokes were actually part of Metal #3 and which ones I just made up. But at least I have a better than vague notion of what was happening!

This issue begins with the Sandman reminding everybody how the Metal story was interrupted by some stupid tie-ins that should probably have been left unwritten, ending their lives in his library of stories that were never told. I guess Sandman is in this tie-in because Scott Snyder was all, "You know what character would bring a bit of intellectual literary seriousness to this story? Plastic Man! Ha ha! Just kidding. Dream of the Endless! Why not give Neil Gaiman's coattails some riding time! We can give Alan Moore's a break for a week or two. Oh, that reminds me. Do we own any of Warren Ellis's characters and stories? We should monetize those too! And look in on Dave Sim and Gerhard's health. Cerebus is public domain when those fogeys die and I've got a great idea for a Cerebus/Ambush Bug team-up!"

Dream's prologue gives way to Batman being freed from imprisonment in the Dark Multiverse. His escorts off the Dark Multiverse battery are dark versions of Superman (one of them is electric blue Superman. He's now a dark dream of what might have been so I guess Rebirth couldn't bring that bullshit back into canon (although it did in that Action Comics Mr. Mxyzptlk story (sort of))). One of them wears a glove full of different colored Kryptonite because he's an idiot? I was going to begin a rant that starts out with "Who carries a weapon that can be turned against them so easily?!" before I remember police use guns. Maybe I can adapt what I was going to say as "Who carries a weapon that can only destroy a small percentage of people in the universe when you, the carrier of that weapon, are part of that small percentage?!" But I won't because that sentence is unwieldy.

You've probably already figured it out by my previous paragraph: Batman wrests control of this weapon (a glove, to be exact) to turn it against Superman. This is a comic book so I shouldn't ask for realism, especially when the story is already on such insubstantial footing as having Superman wield a Kryptonite weapon but can somebody please explain to me how Batman tears a glove off of Superman?! No wait! I can tell myself! This is what happens when you wear a glove practically made out of Kryptonite, Superman! Your hand becomes as weak as a baby's so that you can't even stop somebody from pulling it from your hand! Idiot.

Anyway, the battle never takes place because Batman (who has been strapped to the Dark Multiverse battery for thirty years and really, really needs to shit) calls to Dream for rescue. It's a good thing it's the Daniel version of Dream and not the Morpheus version of Dream. Morpheus never would have helped Batman. He would have just looked on bored and been all, "Really, really. I can't get involved. When I get involved, I cause...complications. I mean, I get involved sometimes but that's only if the thing I'm manipulating will eventually lead to my death. It surprises some people when they realize the entirety of the Sandman run was just one long, convoluted suicide." Daniel is more like, "I'm chipper and upbeat! Go go Sandman Dream Powers!" And just like that, Batman and Superman are pulled from the Dark Multiverse! Now if Batman could just get Destiny and Death to intervene, this story could end in just a few more pages.

With that done, the story returns to the heroes traveling the universe looking for Nth metal to save the day.

I get that maybe "gym selfies" represents pride but what does pushing nuns down stairs represent? Oh! Lust, of course!

Wonder Woman and her gang defeat the seven sins while Aquaman and Deathstork climb into Arion's crypt seeking the Nth metal below Atlantis. Over on Thanagar Prime (a planet heretofore unknown to even Hal Jordan (as if that's supposed to be surprising to anybody but Hal Jordan. He doesn't strike me as the studious type), Hal and Mr. Terrific learn that Lord Synn has taken over the planet with help from his buddy, Starro. Starro's big reveal is that he no longer needs the little stars to take control of the populace of a planet. That's just stupid! That was the best part of Starro! Plus it allowed him to control multiple planets all across the universe and it allowed me to rationalize it! But I can't suspend my disbelief if the little stars aren't stuck to people's faces and yet they're still being controlled while Starro is a thousand light years away micro-managing one of his other holdings. Lord Synn explains that he can't help them because he already knows how to deal with Earth after the Dark Multiverse has taken it over.

He does mean razing, right? If not, I don't know what he's talking about.

Scott Snyder's Starro speaks like a character from one of Grunion Guy's novels. He ends a lot of sentences with "idiot" or "moron" or "jerko!" Well, maybe not "Jerko!" since I've trademarked that. At least I told my assistant, Pickle Boy, to put in the paperwork. I'm sure he got around to it.

Back in The Dreaming, Daniel tells Superman and Batman a story which explains what's happening. At the beginning of the universe, a couple more beings than the Monitor and Anti-Monitor were created. One was the forger and the other was his dragon, Barbatos. The Forger created every world in DC's universe and Barbatos destroyed the ones that weren't selling well. But then Barbatos killed The Forger and forgot to keep doing his job, letting terrible worlds survive. That probably explains The New 52. But now he wants to destroy the Rebirth worlds as well! And DC can't have that because they've invested quite a bit of their reputation in fixing their stupid fucking universe that they keep breaking by way of fixing it. So, eventually, this fix will be seen as the next break that must be fixed. But for now, Barbatos must be stopped before he destroys DC Comics!

Wonder Woman's team's plan goes off the rails when...well, I don't want to say. If you haven't read this comic book, you'll be left thinking, "Why are you always making shit up, Tess? Can't you ever just explain the plot in as straightforward and boring a way as possible? You know, the way the Weird Science Blog guys do it?" And I don't want you thinking ill of me! I'd scan the scene in but I've been known to present some pretty amazing photoshops before so you still might not believe it. But maybe...just maybe...you understand how Scott Snyder writes comic books. He understands that they're supposed to be ridiculous and the more ridiculous they are, the more people he can convince that they're good. So considering that, I guess I'll mention what happens. Kendra whips out the Anti-Monitor's brain so she can whip it into the center of the Multiverse which will destroy the Dark Multiverse (along with Batman, Superman, and Hawkman). But before she can do that, she turns into Lady Blackhawk. Not the military Lady Blackhawk that is probably a lesbian but some weird Hawk and Dove type birdlike manifestation of god-like powers. Then she's all, "All roads lead back to darkness!" which totally isn't true because some roads lead to the light bulb factory. I mean, they must, right? Anyway, after that, Black Adam appears and incinerates Doctor Fate because the other things were just too boring to hold a comic book reader's attention.

And finally, Batman and Superman arrive at the World Forge in the hopes to save the world by, I don't know, forging a new world? But they find the forge has gone out. And guarding the forge, they find Hawman spouting nonsense.

So Barbatos the dragon has a dragon of his own in Hawkman? Okay. I guess!

Metal #4 Rating: I have two ratings for this book! If you're a big stupid comic book fan that laps up every exciting tie-in that you know is exciting because the people making and selling the comic book have gone on record as saying, "I haven't felt this good reading a book since I jerked off while reading a different book!" then you'll probably love this book. Five out of five stars! But if you're a person who has realized in middle age that maybe comic books are far less intelligent than you used to give them credit for, this comic book rates as two giant hawk turds out of however many hawk turds equals a good book. Two hawk turds means it's not a good book, even in hawk turd terms.

If you managed to read your way through this entire thing and somewhat enjoyed the experience, how about signing up to my Newsletter where I talk more about the comics I read but don't feel like making huge blog posts about? I also talk about other things that are more controversial than comic books. Like what you can and can't put your dick in when people are watching. You should sign up! I publish one per week so you won't be spammed by them. Plus, I've been notified by some people, you won't be spammed by them because they go right in your spam folder anyway!

Dark Nights: Metal #3

I'm trying to be more positive so I'd like to praise John Romita Jr. for how well he draws monster teeth. If he drew them, that is!

If John Romita Jr. actually had drawn them, I'd expect them to be boxier, like the monster had a mouth full of C batteries. It wouldn't surprise me at all if somebody else drew the monster teeth on this cover for John Romita Jr. I remember a time when I thought the guitarist for Extreme, Nuno Bettencourt, was one of the greatest guitarists of all time. Right up until I read the liner notes and discovered Dweezil Zappa played the solo in Play With Me and the entire Flight of the Bumblebee bit. Although now I can't find any verification of this on the Internet except for a couple of people on a wiki discussion page asking the same question about crediting Dweezil Zappa on Extreme's first album. Now I want to track down an old copy of the tape version of the album to see exactly what the liner notes said! I think maybe Nuno Bettencourt made a deal with the devil to change history so he wouldn't feel humiliated about that first album. Um, it's also possible that I'm remembering things incorrectly. I'm not going all in on my memory being sacrosanct and declaring this an example of the Mandela Effect! Although that's what the Mandela Effect is anyway! People declaring their faulty memories are more correct than proven facts. So, um, maybe I should! Dweezil Zappa totally did all the guitar work for Extreme, except for the part in "More Than Words" when the acoustic guitar is thumped. I think Nuno could take care of that.

Last issue ended with Batman being slapped between two pieces of cheese and becoming a wagon wheel. No wait. He became an entire wagon! The wagon thing was due to his name being Wayne which meant he was the wagon that would carry Barbatos to Earth-New-Earth. But before Barbatos can joy ride in, the Bat-inspired evil Justice League need to remake Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's kind of like when I reserve a hotel room and the staff makes sure the floors, walls, and ceiling are lined with tin foil and mayonnaise.

Superman and Wonder Woman, who were defeated by Batjoker, wake up thanks to Diana's lasso of truth (which she apparently has again? For some reason? I'm not currently reading Wonder Woman but last I read, she left it behind to help some stupid kid not die or something). Now they have to save the world! Although they really should know that this is Batman's story and it's going to be up to him to save the world. If I were Superman or Wonder Woman, I would just find a quiet place to ride this shitstorm out.

Wonder Woman seems to know what's up. That's probably explained in the issue where Doctor Fate gathers all the heroes together to tell them how to beat Barbatos. I don't know what issue that will be. Or was? I don't think I missed any issues but this beginning is a bit confusing. I guess the reader is supposed to be viewing everything through Superman's eyes since he has no clue what's been happening. He's just as surprised as I was to see Jimmy Olsen transformed into Most Definitely Not Superman's Pal, Doomsday Olsen.

Superman ditches Wonder Woman because why go into battle supported by somebody practically just as strong as you? Better to just fly into a rage and straight into a situation you know nothing about. It almost always works out anyway. Sure, sometimes you die for awhile. But that's barely a speed bump if you're Superman!

How come heroes always say shit like this? Have they never been around their friends when their friends are drunk? "Good" goes out the window pretty fucking easily.

The Flash races out of a giant ankh to rescue Superman from the Bat-inspired evil Justice League. He takes him to The Oblivion Bar where Detective Chimp reminds everybody that the DC Universe heartily sucked for a long while because Dan DiDio believed it wasn't a place for fun and whimsy. Of course, that's all being taken care of now with this Rebirth and Watchmen shit. Now all the idiots who thought Comics Shouldn't Be Fun Again are backpedaling and pretending it was the fault of everybody but the editors in charge. "It was the Watchmen! They changed it all for the worse!" "It was the fans! This is what they said they wanted!" "It wasn't Jim Lee, Geoff Johns, or Dan DiDio at all! Stop looking at us! I mean them!"

Oh! Tomorrow is Friday the 13th! I have to remember to play the Friday the 13th video game tomorrow because they have to do something special, right? Like maybe log the IP of everybody who plays and send Jason around to murder us all? How fun would that be! Seriously! Please somebody kill me. This country has gotten so terrible.

Racist! Or anti-golem? Whatever it is, it's probably gross, right? Am I doing youth correctly?

Other people hiding out in the Oblivion Bar are Steel, Mister Terrific, the Justice League, Green Arrow, Damian Wayne, and Plastic Man stuck in the form of a giant egg. But even as an egg, he's able to vibrate out a message. Wonder Woman translates it as "Oh. OH! OoOoOoHhHhHh! OH ZEUS YES!" Mister Terrific translates it as coordinates to deep space, beneath Atlantis, and the center of the multiverse. What kind of chart can graph those coordinates? An XYZZZZZZZZZZZ chart? I buy that Mister Terrific can figure them out but how the fuck did Plastic Man do the math on them? He's just a petty, clumsy crook turned accidental superhero! I don't remember him being a maths genius!

Plastic Egg also gives some negative coordinates and Mister Terrific is all, "These don't make sense! I may be a genius but I don't understand how coordinates work!" Luckily Superman is there to be all, "Nobody pay attention to this whole thing about negative numbers not being valid coordinates! He probably means the Dark Multiverse!" And everybody is all, "Whew! Good save, Superman! That certainly was a job for you!"

Deathstork arrives to help out because he has a Promethium sword. It's not Nth metal but it'll do the trick when it comes to hurting the Batjerks. Now everybody can split up and go explore all the coordinates Plastic Egg vibrated into Mister Terrific's ear. Ear? Yeah, it was probably his ear.

Steel, Flash, and Superman team up to rescue Batman from the Dark Multiverse. Mister Terrific, Green Lantern, and Plastic Egg team up to head into deep space. Doctor Fate, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman head to the Rock of Eternity. And Aquaman and Deathstork head to the place beneath Atlantis.

Most of the teams have an easy job, following the coordinates. But Superman's team has to rely on Superman making up a theory as to how they can get to the Dark Multiverse. Luckily, it's a comic book so science that is pure speculation is usually good enough to get the job done.

Superman makes it to the Dark Multiverse but finds that it's a trap! Surprise! Batman was trying to warn Superman not to save him but Superman was too dumb to figure out Batman's genius code. So typical of Superman. He never does the smart thing. He should have listened to Nightwing. Everybody should listen to Nightwing! He's the only one that ever knows what's going on.

Not only is it a trap but it's part of Barbatos's plan. He needs Superman's body to be the battery for his gadget to turn Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's too bad that all of the ancient texts Hawkman and Hawkwoman read didn't say something about Superman being the key to the rise of Barbatos. All the clues pointed to Batman! So once again, Hawkman fucked up. What an idiot.

Dark Nights: Metal #3 Rating: Not too bad. I mean, Mister Terrific, the world's third smartest man, made a stupid mistake. But that's to be expected when Not the World's Third Smartest Man is writing the comic book. It's hard to write a genius when you have to know things. Which sucks because writers are writers so they don't have to know stuff! You get to just make shit up! I mean, sure, you can do research. But what if you don't know you need to do research when you're writing about something like, say, coordinates?! Obviously all coordinates must be positive, right? How can negative coordinates exist in the world?! That doesn't make any sense! Which is why latitude and longitude are totally fake news. Those places in negative latitudes and longitudes either don't exist or are composed of pure evil.

Mainly I'm excited for the Aquaman/Deathstork team-up. I hope that becomes a forty-five issue maxi-series.

Dark Nights: Metal #2

I could tell this cover was by John Romita Jr. because of Batman's stupid batarang. I believe that's the specialized batarang used for attaching trees to super-villains¹.

Here's a recap of the previous Metal episodes: Scott Snyder saw a show discussing dark matter and screamed "Eureka!" so loudly that Scott Tynion IV stopped sucking his dick long enough to ask, "What the hell?" Scott was all, "Remember that idea I had..."

"WE had!" reminded James, lovingly fingering Scott's butthole.

"Yeah, yeah! That's what I meant! Don't worry, James. You'll always get credit on almost every story you help brainstorm with me. And you know what I mean by brainstorm, right? Wink, wink. I'm winking right now but I dubbed it so that you would know what I was doing seeing as you're kind of busy down there. Anyway, that idea we had! The one about Nth Metal being the meta gene and how it got all confusing to the scientists because the file was named META.TXT instead of METAL.TXT for reasons that I decided not to linger on for too long because they don't really exist? Well guess where I just decided Nth Metal comes from?! The Upside-down! I mean, the Dark Universe! Which is the same as the Upside Down but with scientific reasons involving dark matter. And since the word 'dark' is in the term, it will be a place of evil! Just like the Upside-down!"

"That's great, Scott. But you're going to write this story yourself, right? I'm kind of busy over at Detective Comics making sure that the young heroes treat Batman like he's the Patriarchy. Because, you know, he totally is. He's the worst!"

"Sure, of course I'll...wait a second. What are you doing? Are you fucking out of your mind?"

"No way! Millennials love this take! They tweet at me and tumbl at me all the time about how they've been reading my stuff via torrent and they love what I'm doing!"

"Whatever. Finish me off already. Just try not to turn Detective Comics into Batman and Robin Eternal."

That's the end of the recap! If you wanted the money shot to be included, go write it yourself! You can say something like, "Scott groaned meaningfully while mumbling 'Geoff Johns sucks donkey balls!' under his breath. Then surprise came across Tynion's face as Scott Snyder came across it too."

This issue begins with another entry from Carter Hall's diary. It's just to remind all the Fangenders (who don't actually need reminding except when something will be integral to the plot) how Krona created the Multiverse by opening a viewing window to see God masturbating. God's jizz flew through the viewing portal and seeded the universe with dozens of baby universes (maybe even an infinite amount of dozens, depending on when you began reading DC Comics). But the entry is interrupted when Superman notices Bat Symbols all over the Earth. He calls the Justice League to hunt down and kill Batman.

The Justice League tracks a half-dozen Batman's to the Amazon. Robin is also with them driving a VW minibus through the jungle. I don't know where all the Batmen have come from. Perhaps they're paid actors from Gotham Community College getting a few credits for this excursion? Anyway, I'd just ignore the Batmen on the Bat-cycles and go for Robin. He's obviously carrying something important inside that minivan and I bet that something is the real Batman!

The alterna-Batmans turn out to be other members of the Bat Family who have nothing better to do than jump when Batman says jump rather than asking why they should jump and what is Batman up to and why is he pissing off the entire Justice League and, you know what, I don't fucking want to be a part of that, Batasshole! Not only do they fuck with the Justice League, their entire plan is to piss of Swamp Thing so he'll keep the Justice League busy!

This is just cruel. Stop manipulating Swamp Thing into doing your dirty work, Batman!

Now that I know the Batmen were all members of the Bat-family, I want to know which jerk was captured by Aquaman. So embarrassing! I bet it was Red Hood.

It turns out Batman was in Robin's VW Minivan which is what they all should have guessed because I guessed it but forgot to mention it. Now you're probably thinking, "Oh right! I bet you did! What a liar!" But you should know I'm telling the truth because I could have just as easily (and more believably!) gone back and edited the review by saying what I was going to say before I got distracted! You know what? I'm going to do it anyway! Fuck your sense of reality!

Anyway, Superman figures it out and swoops down to threaten Batman. He picks him up and flies him into the sky saying, "All I have to do is barely squeeze. You can't even imagine how little pressure I need to add to my grip before your torso just rips like wet toilet paper. I mean, it's difficult not to explode you! You realize how many mathematical calculations I'm doing every minute just so I don't destroy everything I touch?! Imagine walking around a world built out of tissue paper and trying to navigate it without destroying it completely?! To me, you Earthlings are less substantive than a jelly doughnut!" But Batman is all, "If you squash me, you'll die because I drank a gallon of Kryptonite after getting out of the shower this morning! I'm like a deadly piñata!"

Fun Fact #1: To get the "n" with the tilde on it, I looked up "jalapeno" on Google so I could copy and paste the ñ. I don't know why I didn't just look up piñata!"

Fun Fact #2: When I just went to past in the ñ in piñata in the previous sentence, instead of typing CTRL-V, I typed CTRL-N and just about shit myself when my entire review disappeared! Luckily I realized pretty quickly that I'd just opened a new browser page.

Batman finally decides to explain everything to Superman instead of being killed by him. It's a simple choice, really. But it's not a simple explanation! On no! The explanation is going to go pretty deep into Scott Snyder's previous story arcs to try to explain the most glaring errors in each of them.

This is even more convoluted than I was expecting! Perfect!

Now it's time to speculate on the fifth element! I bet it's Plasticmannium! Or maybe whatever shit the Orb of Ra is made from. Oh! Maybe it's Kryptonite and Batman doesn't realize he's already become the doorway because he drank that gallon of it earlier!

Wonder Woman arrives to make Superman doubt Batman is being honest with him. Only Superman would ever believe anything out of Batman's mouth! He's so credulous! Even Ma and Pa Kent were fond of saying, "That boy'll believe a sack of worms if they told him they were a vagina!" That is so a Midwestern saying.

Since Batman is obviously lying, Superman takes a drastic measure.

Superman didn't do this to save the world. He just did it because he's fucking sick of Batman.

Before you start sucking your own dicks (both figurative and literal ones so that all genders are included!) everybody at Marvel thinking DC has just flushed itself down the drain by killing the only one of their characters anybody really cares about, it turns out it wasn't actually Batman. Superman just killed Clayface. Although Clayface can't really die, I don't think. He's like an Oompa Loompa: immortal and weary of life.

Meanwhile in Antarctica (unless it's actually the Arctic, seeing as how DC has had some poor history with keeping the two places straight), the Legion of Doom's headquarters rises from a lava pit. The Legion of Doom is currently staffed by all of DC's immortal characters. There's Vandal Savage and The Phantom Stranger and the other immortal guy and that other one plus the one that's immortal and also Cain and Abel and Lady Blackhawk and Morgaine le Fey and Shazam's wizard and all the other ones I can't think of. Their plan is to shoot the astral brain of the Anti-Monitor through the Rock of Eternity and into the core of the Multiverse. I don't know if that will save the world or it's just something they want to do for the lulz.

Superman and Wonder Woman finally track the real Batman to the tomb of Prince Khufu. Just before they get there, Dream gives Batman a little advice about how to find his way home when this shit all goes wrong. And it all goes wrong pretty quickly. After Batman pulls Baby Darkseid out of his backpack and threatens Superman with it, I think, "Wait. What?" Um, anyway, it's all a trap! Batman knows everything except where to find the tomb of Khufu because he actually entered the tomb of Hath Set! I know, right? What an idiot! Now the Strigydae are about to mantle the fuck out of him!

It's not as confusing as I make it sound, I assure you!

I mean, sure, the Court of Owls shows up and some black squiggles take out Superman and Wonder Woman after which the Court pours a substance called Batmanium all over Batman so that the doorway can open for Barbatos. But that's not technically confusing! It's just, um, ridiculous!

Batman turns into a cosmic doorway through which steop out eight Dark Batmonsters. One is Aquabat. One is Doomsbat. One is Cybat. One is Wonder Bat. One is Flashbat. One is Green Lanterbat. One is Jokerbat. And the last one is probably BarBATos. Unless he's The Phantom Strangebat. In other words, the Earth is fucked. Because if the Justice League can't even beat one Batman, how are they going to beat however many I just said stepped through the gate? What was it? Seven? Eight?

So that's the story of Metal! I bet you all wet your pants over it like I did, right? I mean, I think I just wet my pants because I took too long writing this and didn't get up to go to the bathroom. But I probably would have from the excitement and intrigue and Batman's ultimate failure! That part was really great!

________________________________________________________
¹I didn't just make that up. See whichever stupid issue of All Star Batman had that bit in it.

Dark Knights: Metal #1

I thought this series was going to be about how the meta gene is tied into Nth metal and not some fifteen year old metal head's idea of a cool black light poster.

In my version of how this began, Scott Snyder walks into pitch meetings at DC with a huge and obvious boner in his pants and the vestiges of vaginal fluids drying on his chin. This is just to get the heads of DC (whoever they are. DiDio? Johns? Lee? A penis in a three piece suit? two bears fucking?) frothing with excitement. He begins by throwing up his hands and belting out in his best Gene Simmons impression (Gene Simmons at the height of a Kiss performance and not Gene Simmons on Donahue discussing how many women his semen has ruined), "Imagine how much money I'm about to make you!" He then farts up a vague idea (immediately after which Geoff Johns leans over to Jim Lee and whispers, "I thought of that like two minutes ago.") that retcons something in the DC Universe in a clever enough way that the room soon fills with the smell of semen soaking into cotton. In this case, he pitched this: "What if the scientist who discovered the Meta gene only called it the meta gene because his file system was so antiquated that he could only use four letters instead of the five he needed since he really discovered the...wait for it...METAL GENE!" Then he made rock and roll guitar lick sounds with his mouth for five minutes.

"Wow!" growled one of the bears in mid-coitus. "Spuuuuuuuuuurt!" went the penis in the three-piece suit (and Dan DiDio as well). Geoff Johns suppressed a yawn while Jim Lee just kept scribbling all over some art he was working on that was already three months behind schedule. If you're wondering what the second bear thought, he was unimpressed.

"How much more do you have?" asked Geoff. "Perhaps the Green Lanterns can be in it and you can mention all of my great work on that franchise somewhere in there."

"Actually," informed Scott, "I don't have much more yet. I'm going to get James Tynion drunk this weekend and steal any ideas he comes up with. But I have figured out the cover of the first issue! Since it's called Metal, I thought the first cover should be the most metal thing you can think of. And what's more metal than Batman riding a fucking dinosaur!"

"Maybe if he were wielding a battle axe?" piped up Jim Lee.

"Shut the fuck up, WildCATS," blasted DiDio, which is really too bad because that was a really metal suggestion. DC really missed out on that battle axe bit.

"Maybe we can get Simon Bisley to do the cover," suggested the well-dressed phallus.

"No way. He'll stick a fucking dick on it and everybody knows dicks aren't metal." DiDio was always squashing the penis's ideas. Then again, the penis's ideas were always to get Simon Bisley to draw stuff. The penis really liked penises. He was as gay as two bears fucking in a boardroom.

That's the end of my scene. You can applaud if you aren't reading this in a library or on a bus. You know what? Fuck it. Applaud even if you're on a bus. Like that would be the worst thing happening at the moment. Although it might encourage the people doing the worse things, thinking you're giving them some kind of approval for their behavior.

According to the previous two issues of Metal (which were Forge and Casting or just two issues of Forge. Or something. I can't fucking remember. I think I wrote about one of them), the new reason for superheroes is going to be an infusion of Nth Metal into some people's systems. It was never the meta-gene at all! It was just metal in the body! Which seems like a strange mistake to make simply because one letter was left off of a file. Did nobody ever read the file? Did the scientist pass on his report saying, "Here's why people get super powers! I figured it out! It's in this file labeled "META" which for some reason I'm not going to explain any more than that right now or else it will ruin the future revelation that I couldn't actually name the file what I wanted to! Probably because I'm having a heart attack right now! Oh! Oh! I'm dead!" Then another scientist was all, "Oh shit! Don't read that file because it might give you a heart attack too!" And the other scientists all nodded and one piped up, "Yep! That's science!" Then one was all, "What do you think meta means?" And another one was all, "It probably has to do with genes or some shit. A meta gene!" And another one was all, "Can you believe how unrealistic Game of Thrones is this season? How are they all traveling everywhere so quickly?" And another one was all, "Why is that suddenly a fucking problem? It's not like time means anything in that Westeros (I'm glad I'm only speaking that so I don't have to worry about whether or not I spelled it correctly)! Winter isn't a yearly thing but then when it comes it lasts for years? What the fuck is up with the orbit of that planet?! And how the hell are those kids aging so fucking quickly when other people are only spending a few weeks doing their story arc?! And what's up with all the dire wolf ex machina?! I feel like the entire show is going to wrap up when a giant wolf marches in to devour all of the Whitewalkers!"

I guess there will also be some revelations about some kind of Dark Multiverse as well. Scott came up with that idea when Tynion slurred, "And what's up with all this fucking dark matter? Fucking dark matter. Fuck you! What are you?!"

Apparently time travel makes you vomit blood.

I thought the page after that scanned page was going to declare the new age was the Age of the Bat. But it didn't. It declared it was the Age of Metal! After reading that, you're supposed to make guitar noises with your mouth and bang your head and throw up some devil horns. You might even fuck a goat, if you're super cool.

I'm not sure when the Age of Metal began. There was the Golden Age and the Silver Age and the Modern Age (and maybe some other metallic ages I don't remember). Perhaps the Age of Metal just means the time when superhero comics began? Or did the Age of Metal start when Peter David gave Aquaman long hair and a hook for a hand?

Mongul currently has the Justice League battling for their life on his new Warworld. This takes place almost immediately after Mongul was punched into orbit by General Zod, so editorial demanded that Batman mention something about how this makes no sense, continuity-wise. He doesn't say it to help explain it! He just says it because editorial was all, "You know we're going to get buttfucked hard on this by the Fangenders¹, right? You need to get out in front of this shit." And Snyder was all, "Okay, okay. Batman will be all, 'This doesn't make sense!' But then Superman will be all, 'Stop over thinking things, you stupid fucking hypocritical moron living in your parents' basement and not adding any value to anything because all you do is destroy things with your Internet criticisms!'" And the editor was all, "Yeah, maybe that. But tone it the fuck down. You're sounding like Cullen Bunn anonymously defending his shitty Twat Lobo comics on harsh but hilarious blogs offering valid critical reviews."

The Justice League's powers have been rendered inert by...well, it doesn't really matter what by. It's the same old shit as usual. The heroes are too powerful so to create dramatic tension, you remove their powers. Snyder does offer a few ways that their powers can be dampened by invoking red suns and vibration domination technology and Gorgon pasties just so the Fangenders can nod enthusiastically and think, "Yep! Yep! They should have seen this coming! This is just like Justice League #45²! Idiots." Of course, those are the powers with fairly easy explanations for how to suppress them. He doesn't explain how he's keeping Cyborg from utilizing his Mother Box technology. Or how Green Lantern's ring isn't working (although, I mean, really? It's probably just out of charge like in 95% of Green Lantern comic books). And how did he stop Aquaman from talking to fish? Oh, you know what. Mongul probably decided Aquaman could keep his stupid power.

Oh, just so Scott Snyder doesn't feel like he was being too subtle, I got it. It's the Metal Age and the entire Justice League is being forced to wear armor by Mongul!

Some of it is super sexy titty fucking armor!

Toyman has also been captured by Mongul, probably because Scott Snyder needed enemies that the Justice League could kill without Batman getting on everybody's dick about murder. Toyman tells Mongul the name of the toys that will kill the Justice League is Fulcum Abominus. Mongul pulls out his dick and begins sucking it because he's smarter than me and that apparently means something to him. I shouldn't feel too stupid though because why should I have known what a fulcum is? I've never owned a Warworld and seemed to have missed the adolescent phase where Roman soldiers intrigued me as much as women's nipples. I suppose the name means the Justice League will be battling an abominable shield wall? A close formation made up of Yetis? Or maybe just a few transforming robots.

Judging by Mongul and the crowd's reaction, the Aegea Formation must be where the Justice League creates an illusion that they're running away. Either that or this is Greg Capullo's way of telling Snyder to fuck off because he's going to draw whatever the fuck he wants.

I'm not four years old so the crowd chanting "Do not run! Pain is fun!" doesn't amuse me. It does make me question why I've spent so much of my life reading comic books though.

It's at this point during the battle that I need to apologize to Scott Snyder. It's my first apology of the new season but it won't be my last. The problem with writing the critique as I'm experiencing the "art" is that I tend to point out flaws before the artist has a chance to finish. It's like when I'm in the middle of cleaning a floor and somebody thinks they're the next George Burns and says, "You missed a spot!"³ So, um, my apology is that I assumed Snyder couldn't think of ways to dampen the powers of the other Justice League. But he continues explaining how they've all been shut down. Green Lantern's gauntlet has a mini-black hole. And you know what they say about black holes when they're not making anus jokes, right?! Not even Green Lantern light can escape! Plus it's a mini-black hole so don't worry about how heavy and dense it is. Even though it must be even denser than a non-mini black hole if it can still capture light in its gravitational pull. And Aquaman has lost half of his strength to the vambraces made from glass forged in the heat of Apokolips!

Each creature in the Fulcum Abominus has been designed to counter one of the Justice League members. So not only do they not have their usual powers, they have to battle creatures that wouldn't care if they had those powers anyway! Wonder Woman can't even outsmart hers because it has a Cassandra Engine! And we all know what that means! Well, most of us do. Those who don't can always watch old reruns of Red Dwarf.

I hope the solution to defeating the Fulcum Abominus isn't to switch opponents because that's been done fifteen thousand times. Although it would be more original than just having Batman defeat them all after the rest of the Justice League are incapacitated. That's been done about sixteen thousand times. I can't think of any other way this conflict might end. Maybe it'll have something to do with the metal! Or maybe Toyman will have programmed the Fulcum Abominus to turn on Mongul once he's done sucking his dick. He'll be drained and distracted at that point!

Batman comes up with a plan to be eaten by Toyman's machines. He comes up with it the way Dr. House came up with solutions to his medical mysteries. You know how somebody would say just the right word and he'd sort of glaze over into a fugue state for a few seconds before snapping back and yelling, "I am a genius! You people are all idiots! And this show shits on the scientific process to pander to people who believe intuition is some magic panacea that comes out of the ether!" Anyway, Wonder Woman says "Formation" and Batman is all, "That's it! Formation! These machines were formated by Toymanster! If I reach into the gaping maw of this one, I'm sure to find a WayneTech Emergency Shutdown Switch!" Or something. I mean, there is a button in the creature's throat and it does have a bat on it and Batman does push it. But it doesn't shut the thing off at all. It just makes it eat Batman.

By pushing the buttons in the throat of the creature (which Batman realized by knowing that the command to form the fulcum formation was done by a cry from the back of the throat (because Batman knows everything (which means Toyman must know everything because you can't give subtle clues to people who know everything if you're a dumbshit like me...I mean Mongul))), the Justice League turn the machines into Voltron armor. This allows them to "form up" like the Roman formation and turn into a giant robot. Batman is the head, of course. Aquaman is the balls.

Is that why Snyder introduced the stupid rhyming chant earlier when it made no sense because the Justice League wasn't running? Just so Batman can act childish now? Eh, works for me! I mean, I'm the guy who chose to write that Aquaman was the giant robot's balls.

Instead of saying "ass" on the next page, Snyder inserts the title page and credits. Apparently the logo for Metal is a Satanic Hexagram. Can hexagrams be Satanic? They made it into a six pointed star but not so that it looks like the Star of David. It's got some bend to it. But the star is enclosed in a circle with symbols at each point. Those symbols are combinations of Justice League symbols and the bat symbol. So Wonder Wobatman and Superbatman and Aquabatman and Black Computer Batman and Green Lanterbatman and the other one. It's totally metal. Also the word metal is textured like the bumper on a pickup truck. Is that metal? I mean, it's metal, literally. But is it metal, 80's figuratively?

When the Justice League return to Earth, they find a mountain has appeared in the middle of Gotham. Apparently it didn't kill too many people because the city somehow made room for it. But Batman is still upset by it for some reason. Probably because he's thinking about how he vowed to never let anybody else be crushed by a mountain after his parents were crushed by that mountain in that alley.

The Flash finds a door inside the mountain with a pseudo-Challengers of the Unknown symbol on it. It's an hour glass with most of the sand in the bottom half. That's probably not a good sign, right?

Inside the door, they find a cryogenic pod with five people inside. I bet one is a white woman, one is a white man with blond hair, one is a white man with brown hair, one is a black man, and one is white man with red hair! Nearby the pod is Red Tornado. They don't seem to recognize him even though earlier somebody mentioned Aquaman's hook hand. If they remember that, they should surely remember Red Tornado!

The Blackhawks appear, led by Lady Blackhawk, Kendra Saunders. Get it?! She's still a hawk! Oh, Scott Snyder! You're so fucking clever! I bet Geoff Johns hates the fuck out of you. It always hurts to be usurped. I imagine. Nobody has ever been able to usurp me. Or wanted to?

Lady Blackhawk tells everybody that this is the start of an invasion but she can't tell them who is doing the invading. That's called dramatic tension! It's also called bullshit writing. Just fucking say it, you resurrected nutcase! Instead of revealing cool shit, she spends a few pages taking everybody to Blackhawk Island where she has a map of Grant Morrison's Multiversity. She's all, "Nth metal is this thing that's behind all these things. It's such a crazy thing! Hawkman, the most boring hero in the Multiverse after Aquaman, has been studying it his entire lives! Yeah, you heard me right! I said lives! He decided it didn't come from anywhere in the known Multiverse through assumptions and poor science. Unless over the course of all his lives, he had time to use good science? You know what? Who cares? Just believe me when I say it must have come from somewhere else. He didn't know where until he binged Stranger Things last year and Eleven turned over the Dungeons and Dragons map. That's when he was all, 'A-ha! That's the one place on the map I didn't search! The other side of it! The dark side of it! The Dark Multiverse! And now that I've decided that the known Multiverse is much like a two dimensional representation of it, the other side of the map must exist in reality! A Dark Multiverse!'"

"I'm not the worst," mumbled Aquaman.

Ha ha! Wanting proof! How silly!

I like how Kendra wanted proof of Carter's theory which caused Carter to want to prove her wrong. What the fuck does that mean?! You don't prove somebody wrong who just wants some evidence that your theory is reality! You just prove your stupid theory. I already hate this new version of Hawkman. Yes, I'm biased because I've hated every version of Hawkman so I didn't have far to go to hate this one. But I hate him more passionately than I ever hated the other ones and I haven't even met this one yet! The other ones I just sort of hated for no real reason. This one is a scientific idiot.

Kendra isn't much for science either. She just found the word wagon over and over again because a wagon would carry a dark beast named Barbatos from the Dark Multiverse into the Non-Dark Multiverse. And then she decided that Wagon was the root of the name Wayne (you know, wainwright? Wains! Wagons!) which must mean that the Wagon was Batman and he was the bad guy. That's when the Blackhawks pull their guns on Batman. But they don't shoot him in the face for some reason. Some heroes they are!

Red Tornado begins screaming about the door being left open which probably saves Batman's life. He then flips the fuck out which means he'll be dismembered in a few pages. His stories always end in dismemberment.

Batman steals Kendra's Nth Metal and races back to the Batcave to destroy the Multiverse in the pursuit of knowledge.

The Nth Metal reveals Carter Hall's diary hidden in Wayne Manor. It's there to tell Batman he was right to pursue whatever he's been pursuing. The mysteries of the Nth Metal, I guess. And once he's been proving right, he's visited by Dream of The Endless. Well. I guess Snyder can still surprise me without me needing to make a snarky comment about how dumb his twist is. I don't know why Dream has appeared but it's pretty cool that he's been allowed back into the regular DC Universe.

I'll say this about Metal: it's entertaining and interesting. But it's also built upon the dumb shit that Scott Snyder likes to build his retcons. So far we've learned that the Meta-gene is actually the Metal Gene because Nth Metal is behind all superpowers. We also learned that Nth Metal couldn't have come from anywhere in the DC Multiverse so it must have come from the other side of a two-dimensional representation of the Multiverse. I know that's just a metaphor but I bring it up because it's a metaphor from Stranger Things. The other big twist is that Wayne means wagon. In both the meta/metal and wagon/Wayne plot elements, we see the thing Scott Snyder bases almost all of his stories on. He starts small by looking at words and their meanings to expand those observations into a bigger story. Usually I'm just annoyed by them. But this time, he gets to really fuck around with the DC Universe by making this Nth metal/meta-gene connection and I'm always up for a good buttfucking of the DC Universe.

Oh yeah! How can I mention all the word play without mentioning the Dark Nights title of the series? Oh, probably because it's been used before. But this time it's the Dark Nights bring the Dark Knights of the Dark Multiverse! It's boner and/or lubrication inducing!

_________________________________________________________
¹"Fangenders" is my inclusive term for what was once thought of as Fanboys. Being an obnoxious comic book know-it-all knows no gender boundary.
²I don't actually know what happens in Justice League #45. But if you were instantly angry at my lack of knowledge, you're a Fangender. That was the whole point, dum-dum!
³I have a floor cleaning business. This isn't just an analogy of a thing I rarely do. It happens all the time. I'm getting angry just thinking about it! I should probably footnote George Burns as well but what's the point? You have access to the fucking Internet, lazy!

New Super-man #10

Mmm! A savory Hostess Meat Pie!

The Review!
This issue begins with an unforgivable continuity error!

Snakepit attacked Clark Kent! People aren't supposed to remember that Clark Kent is Superman!

Okay, maybe this is forgivable and maybe it also isn't an error. Perhaps this takes place before Superman Reborn. Or perhaps Snakepit just doesn't keep up on the news so he still thinks Clark Kent and Superman are the same person (which they are but he's supposed to not think that anymore thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk!). Also, who really fucking cares? I totally don't! That hole in my wall was already there from a different time I became really angry at a comic book. This time I didn't get angry at all.

On an unrelated note, how do you tell if you've broken your knuckles?

Kenan is really impressed by Superman's heat vision. He'd better hope he gets heat vision since he only gets one super power that relates to his eyes. It's either heat vision or x-ray vision. Oh wait. Kenan probably would rather have x-ray vision. For heroic reasons, of course.

Kenan opens Lex's Door to Hell again because Kenan is lazy and stupid. He thinks it'll give him super powers but instead all it gives him is loads of demons. Better loads of demons than demon loads! Brozingo!

Brozingo is what I say when I make a funny joke for the masses. It's a totally original exclamation!

Superman is all, "I'm sort of quoting Indiana Jones!" And Kenan is all, "I'm not!" Then they fight loads of demons.

Lex Luthor is dragged to Hell and Superman totally smirks a bit. I saw it! But Master I-Ching dives into Hell to rescue Lex, probably because there's a good chance he'll get a reward. It's the only reason I ever do anything for the greater good. The first thing I think is, "Will making the world a better place for people other than me grant me something in return?" If the answer is possibly yes, I'll do the thing and then tell everybody how I was totally paying it forward and now if somebody wants to pay their forwardness forward toward me, that would be cool. Because that's how it works, right?

I hate people who use the phrase "Pay it forward." I guess the only reason to do something kind is in the hopes that you will start some kind of movement of kindness. Which is sort of judgmental and sucky because it's almost like you're obligating the person you did something nice for into having to do something nice as well. At some point, the paying it forward will have to end. At that point, does everybody get angry at the selfish jerk who didn't do something kind after having something kind done unto them?

I like to pay it forward with insults. You call somebody an asshole and then you know they're going to be so angry that they'll call somebody else an asshole later! Ha ha! It's like playing anger dominoes.

Master I-Ching drives away the demons and saves Lex but they become trapped in Hell when Dinner Party closes the doors behind them. It's proper etiquette! Lex Luthor doesn't mind because it gives him some time to speak with Skeleton In The Closet Superman.

The China White Triad flee the scene leaving Superman, The Fla-sh, and New Super-man to locate the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Rings so they can open the door to Hell and rescue Master I-Ching.

That totally makes sense because X-Ray Vision is mainly used to give a person super boners which are located in the thigh region.

Once the doors are reopened, Kong Kenan meets Ox-Head and Horse-Face themselves! They kick out the humans, take back the demons, and return the rings to Hell so nobody can bother them again. But before they do that, Kenan asks them about his parents. They tell him his parents have not arrived in the afterlife. Shocking twist! I mean, at least for his mother. His father was shown earlier being held in a Bacta Tank in the Ministry of Self-Reliance's secret lab.

After the battle, Lex kicks Kenan out of his building without even giving Master I-Ching a reward. If only Lex could find somebody who loves him!

Superman tells New Super-man that he's going to need his help when Crisis!: Who Causes The Crises? takes place. Then New Super-man goes back to China taking The Fla-sh along. China is going to have the best Justice League ever! And also the cutest. Although they won't be truly great unless they can get themselves a Lo-Bo.

The epilogue reveals that Ching Lung is actually Master I-Ching in disguise! He's up to no good while also being up to good! Can he do that?!

The Ranking!
+1! If you're not reading this comic book, I don't care. Do whatever you want with your life!

Suicide Squad #7

A sniper nearby is staring at Katana's tits.

If you never received a degree, don't answer "Yes" when somebody asks if you've ever gone to college. Stop unpacking your excuses as to why you never stuck around long enough for a degree just so you can pat yourself on the back for having taking a few philosophy classes that never went anywhere. Okay, sure Overreacting Butthurt College Dropout, technically you're answering the question truthfully. I mean, I suppose if you walked through a college campus one day, you can answer yes to that question. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that you can't figure out what that person is actually asking since you were too lazy and stupid to finish school. It might sound like I'm judging you but I'm not. I mean, not that much. I don't give a shit if a person went to college or not. That isn't an indicator of intelligence or even some kind of fortitude or ambition. I fucking went to college to avoid the real world for as long as possible (which was about five and a half years of actual college and not the two or so years spent out of school for missing registration due to not wanting to meet with a counselor or fucking around at a community college to re-establish residence when I switched colleges (you know, because it's way cheaper!)). I also went to college because it was a nice chunk of time where I was able to read as many books as possible while not having any other real demands on my life. College also introduced me to a lot of literature I would never have bothered reading. But when somebody asks if you went to college and you have to explain and annotate your answer of "yes" with caveats like "I went for a few months before my grandmother died and I had to fly home and I just never went back" or "I got a crippling sexually transmitted disease from fucking that dead raccoon during a wild hazing incident at Gamma Delta Farts," maybe choose to say "no" before adding the annotations? Because, really, you fucking know what they meant by the questions, right?

Seriously though, don't fucking go to college. If you can get a scholarship or grant money that you don't have to pay back, then definitely do go to college. Or if you're serious about one of those jobs that's actually some kind of service to mankind (even if you're only doing it for the big cash payout salary! Who am I to judge? I mean, judge even more than I'm already doing?) and you need educated training! There are definitely good reasons to get educated via society's usual and expected means. But if you know what you want to do and you can do it yourself and you know you don't need a degree to do it? Fucking dump the system. It needs you far more than you need it! I went to a state school in Oregon my first year and then finished at a state school in California for the other half decade, so it didn't cost a lot to delay my adulthood. Plus, my father who had been mostly absent from my life from about thirteen to seventeen (due to raging alcoholism and selfishness) showed up to pay tuition. I covered all the other expenses (like books and drugs) through summer jobs. But I could have just as easily spent five years at the library and done much of the same thing. I loved my teachers and most of my classes, so I'm glad I didn't do that. But I could have, if I didn't have the resources and opportunities which presented themselves to me and my life. And I suppose it's easier to do almost nothing at all, day in and day out, without your family griping if you can say, "I'm in school!"

There are way more than two types of people but it's easier to say, "There are two types of people," before starting some kind of written thesis. And the two types of people I'm thinking of amid all of the other types of people are the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have a plan for their future and know what they want from life, and the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have no fucking idea what to do or how to navigate their oncoming adulthood. I figure a lot of people who answer "yes" to the question about going to college who shouldn't be answering yes are the second type. They eventually find what they need while at college and just move on. College serves its purpose as a kind of purgatory during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Often, a person doesn't need to see it through to its expected conclusion. I would have liked it to have gone on longer in some ways but, really, I'd fucking had enough of essay assignments. So I totally get not finishing. My main point is that when somebody asks, "Did you go to college?", you should probably answer "No" before saying, "I did go for awhile but dropped out for these reasons." Saying "yes" is just lying to yourself and everybody else and probably God too.

So anyway, I'll let Harley Quinn catch everybody up on what was happening in this comic book:

Okay. Got it! Magic Comic Book Nonsense makes sane people insane, and insane people sane. That's not the hardest thing a comic book has ever asked me to believe. Remember when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up a building? And that time Catwoman didn't tell Bruce Wayne he was being a selfish, condescending asshole? I mean, she may have told him that before. But there were all the other times she didn't when she should have.

Harley has reverted to Doctor Harleen Quinzel (unless it's spelled differently. I can't be bothered to remember or look it up) who is a psychiatrist (unless she's a psychologist. See my last parenthetical reference for more why I don't know). So when she says, "It turns out sane people are scared all the time," I have to believe she knows what she's talking about. And since I'm never scared, I suppose that makes me insane. Some would say it makes me stupid or shows I'm not paying attention. And by "some," I mean bumper stickers.

Katana is busy trying to kill Harley but she keeps getting sidetracked by all the guards who need their arms chopped off. I don't think Katana will be successful because DC would never kill Harley Quinn. They can't even kill Harley Quinn in some Death of Superman type stunt because all of the touchy feely Internet Harley Quinn fans would call them misogynist and dumb. No wait! They wouldn't call them dumb because that's ableist. I think. You know what's dumb? Trying to shape a world where you can't point out how stupid somebody is because they can't help it and thus it's a disability of some sort and how dare you pick on the poor moron. How long until the racists begin claiming they can't help being racist and thus it's ableist to call them out on it?

Sorry! Sorry! I went all Slippery Slope on you there. That's so fucking ridiculous to think that a racist would claim they shouldn't be called a racist because it's ableist. They just think they shouldn't be called a racist because they hate being called out on a truth they can't admit to because it would prove they were racist. Or something.

Katana can block a bullet with her sword but she can't deflect a Taser. Those are some sorry ass ninja skills.

I wonder whose most angry at me right now? Dropouts, racists, dum-dums who use the word ableist, or nerds screaming at me that Katana is a samurai and not a ninja? Also, those nerds are probably falling all over themselves to explain how Katana could block the bullet because her mind was clear but now, clouded by the Black Vault, she's not quite as effective at blocking things with her cutlass.

Harley contacts Amanda who is just willful enough to keep some clarity and explain the situation to Harley Quinn. That's a good thing or else Harley wouldn't know what she was supposed to do to get this story to end without everybody dying.

Harley realizes she has a decision to make! Does she stay and save the world from Zod by keeping him from waking up (since, you know, if he woke up, nobody in the world would be able to stop him because the Justice League is probably in the future dealing with Cosmic Boy's mutated space gonorrhea unraveling the time stream), or does she run for her life?!

I'm glad the exits in this super prison are so well marked and accessible.

Harley Quinn manages to defeat everybody in the prison by activating the sprinklers using El Diablo and then firing a Taser into the wet floor and electrocuting everybody. I mean, they're all wearing boots so even if I'm going to believe her Belle Reve Taser is the most powerful Taser ever devised (Harley did crank the setting up to 999 which must be crazy powerful! A Belle Reve Taser would need a huge setting like that to take down someone like King Shark, right?), how am I supposed to get past the boot thing? Maybe nobody has rubber soles. I guess they're all made of copper.

Meanwhile, Hack realizes that she accidentally digitized Captain Boomerang and uploaded him into Belle Reve's mainframe. I hope he boomerangs something as a computer virus!

Also meanwhile, June and Killer Croc do some after oral sex cuddling. Remember how they had oral sex last issue? I still can't wait to try that move! Harley decides to zap June Moone because a Belle Reve Taser has at least four shots. I'd think it would be much bigger than it appears. But then, I also think Jim Lee doesn't really think much about what he's drawing. He's got twelve pages to do and he doesn't have time to research anything in Rob William's script!

Harley zaps June to wake up the Enchantress because she needs to teleport to the lab to stop Zod. She doesn't get there this issue because Jim's twelve pages are up. Next issue should be the finale of this story since it's also the prologue to Justice League vs. the Suicide Squad (which will almost certainly be terrible).

The backup story is about June Moone and the Enchantress. Is the fact that I have nothing more to say about it a good enough review?

The Review!
+0! Seven issues in and nobody in the Suicide Squad has died! Oh, sure, readers are probably expected to remember the death of Captain Boomerang as a death which took place and therefore a justification for Task Force X's nickname. But he's not dead and he'll be back next issue! The only people who have died during this incarnation of the Suicide Squad are the guards killed by Katana. Way to go, Katana! Just add them to the ever growing list of innocent people you've killed since The New 52 began! Most of that list is, of course, all of the people in the high-rise hotel you blew up in Birds of Prey! Jerko!

Suicide Squad #5

Harley Quinn isn't on the cover? I bet sales dropped off and she's back on the next cover!

Not being able to handle the suspense, I checked the next issue's cover and Harley Quinn wasn't on it. What was on it was a huge spoiler: Captain Boomerang! I knew he jumped out of his smoking shoes and hid in the Russian bathroom during the battle with Zod! While I'm ecstatic that Captain Boomerang is still alive, I'm annoyed that nobody ever dies in the Suicide Squad! Task Force X needs a new nickname. How about Pretty Fucking Good At Completing Their Missions Without Any Losses Squad?

This issue begins with somebody thinking about Oppenheimer's words after witnessing the atomic bomb test at Trinity. They're all blah blah blah this and that, so heavy dude. Oh, and I just read the Bhagavad Gita, so here's a haunting line from that!" I can never remember them because I always think that Bainbridge's quote was the better quote, which I usually pretend was said by Oppenheimer (and by pretend, I mean totally think is true): "Now we are all sons of bitches." I'm pretty sure that was in the Bhagavad Gita as well. It's been years since I've read it but it sounds about right.

You know who I'm really beginning to like? Neegan from The Walking Dead. That's one charming motherfucker! I think I mean that literally? Anyway, I hated him in the comic book because he was an ugly person drawn even ulgilier by Charlie Adlard. But in the television show, he's all silky voice and sly grins! If I were a Mister Potato Head doll, I would slap on my vagina while watching The Walking Dead and diddle myself into ecstasy. And he's such a romantic! My idea of romance is bringing home a two pack of Reeses' Christmas Trees, tearing it open, shoving one in my mouth, and winging the rest of the package into the empty cushion on the couch next to the Non-Certified Spouse, so I might have a great grasp on what is romantic.

Harley Quinn wasn't on the cover but she is on page three. DC Comics really should have a note on the cover stating that she's in this book. Do they expect Harley Quinn fans to just assume Harley is going to be in each issue now? That's taking a pretty big risk with your wallet, DC! She's introduced as the "Quinnpin of Crime." Does anybody reading this know Rob Williams, the writer? If you do, can you grab a rolled up copy of this comic book, take him aside, and smack him on the head with the comic while saying, "No! NO! Bad writer! BAD!"

Oh! I have a quiz. How can you tell you like a shitty artist when you actually think the artist is the bee's pajamas?

They draw terrible faces on characters that don't make their dick's hard. I'm going to stick with that specific body part because I'm really just talking about Jim Lee, David Finch, and Tony S. Daniel. I'm fairly certain they all have dicks. I'm absolutely certain they spend 90% of their time drawing hot women. Also, I'm only assuming they're drawing women since most of their women look like tweens.

Rick Flag explains to Amanda Waller that the Russians have a Suicide Squad of their own named the Annihilation Brigade and that somebody called "Karla" has a Russian Belle Reve of their own full of potential corpses for the greater good. For some reason, Amanda Waller doesn't say, "I know, idiot! You don't think I know that?! Get the fuck out of here!" Instead, she patiently listens to Rick define the term "cold war" while making a mental note to put him on an even worse team for the next mission.

While the Suicide Squad debriefs, some scientists in the room behind them run tests on the Phantom Zone Sphere brought back from Russia. Harley Quinn walks up to touch it and the scientists watch while saying, "That's not a good idea" and "You probably shouldn't touch that" and "This should be interesting!" But Deadshot stops her and, for his quick thinking, Amanda nearly blows his head off. Amanda Waller really needs to calm down. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar although why would you want any flies and who, other than hipsters in Portland, drinks vinegar? They were probably the kid who always drank a cup of PAAS every Easter, right?

Meanwhile, Waylon and June Moon discuss oral sex and how they don't want to engage in it with each other. Unless they do? Maybe I read that passage incorrectly.

At lunch, Hack tries to bond with Harley. Hack is the new girl rescued from the Russian Belle Reve and now living in prison, I guess?

Harley says such crazy shit. Why would you surgically attach a publicity still of John Stamos to a Humpack Whale when you could simply use a nail gun?

Waller's scientists remove Zod from the Phantom Zone Sphere and begin trying to figure out a way to make him compliant so he can be the first truly useful member of the Suicide Squad. But Rick Flag doesn't like the idea, so he pulls out his gun and shoots Amanda Waller in the face. Maybe. I mean, he probably doesn't. But that's what the the story is surely implying before it ends!

The backup story is about Hack so I'm already bored. Although I suppose the readers need some background information on her (besides how hot to trot she is for Harley). If she's going to be this team's first real death, it's good to flesh her out a bit so that the readers will feel something when she dies. So far, I know she's African and a female. If she's about to die, she's probably also a lesbian.

Stephen Byrne is doing the art. Do you think the editor had to tell him, "No, no. Amanda is fat again. No, fatter. Fatter. Quite a bit fatter. No, fatter than that. Fatter. Fatter. Do you need the dictionary definition of fat? No? You got it. Okay! ... No, no! Fatter! Ugh. Forget it."

Hack tells Waller how she became a super villain. It's rather mundane for most super villain origin stories. She grew up poor, her little brother was killed in gang violence, she mysteriously got her power, she got vengeance, she got money, and she got too big for her britches. The Russians caught her and now she's in Belle Reve. She also hacks Amanda's file which Amanda doesn't want anybody to see so it's weird that Amanda keeps a file on herself. Apparently she lost someone and that's why she's such a cold fish monster bitch. That's lame! I was hoping she was that way just because she choose to be that way and not because her daughter Havana was killed in some kind of international incident that never would have happened had the government only been equipped with a secret super villain task force!

The Review!
No change. I see Jim Lee did his full twelve pages for this installment! What a champ! Great show! Triple Plus Good!

Suicide Squad #4

Jesus Fucking Christ, DC Comics. We get it! Harley Quinn is in this comic book!

Saturday night, my mother called because she was excited about the upcoming The Walking Dead premiere. Once again, she wanted to know who I thought was going to be killed. By this time, I couldn't even remember who all of the choices were! I just knew it wouldn't be a black character because The Walking Dead might not survive killing off yet another black character. Here's the scenario I suggested to my own mother: Negan would bash Maggie in the stomach, pull out her fetus, toss it in the air, and bat it into the woods with Lucille. The Walking Dead did not go with that scenario. Too bad for them. I think that would have made great television!

The previous issues, the Suicide Squad had found themselves in a hopeless battle against Zod. If Amanda Waller knew that Zod was the target (which she must have because she's Goddamned Amanda Waller), she chose the worst team in the world to battle him. A clown with no super powers with an Australian accent. A clown with no super powers with a Brookyn accent. And some other people who aren't clowns but also do not have super powers. The only person who might stand a chance against Zod is Enchantress but she's crazy and uncontrollable and just as likely to kneel before Zod as she is to turn him into a toad.

As if battling Zod wasn't a big enough challenge, the Suicide Squad must now also battle several Russian metas with terrible names. Usually that means they've been created so that the Suicide Squad can kill them.

Isn't the Phantom Zone a place without time? How did Zod grow such a fancy mustache in a timeless place? Maybe the timelessness is why it's such an out of date style of stache.

The Russian metas are called Tunguska, Tankograd, Gulag, and Cosmonut. One of them is unnamed unless the leader simply calls himself The Annihilation Brigade. Also, I didn't typo "Cosmonut". That's the idiot's name. He looks like a giant hammer in a space suit who can only say the image of a peanut. I don't know what that sounds like but I assure you it's what he says.

Speaking of the walking dead, Amanda's new "assistant", Harcourt, comes to the conclusion that the Russian facility the Suicide Squad has invaded is Russia's own version of a Suicide Squad. Does that mean that every Russian meta who dies counts as a Suicide Squad death? Of course it doesn't! DC Comics can't fool me that easily! It might look like they're killing characters but it doesn't really count when they're made up for the story in which they die. It is possible the Annihilation Brigade have made an appearance somewhere in the past. But I've never heard of them and their names are just things that make you think of Russia. Tunguska is probably the most interesting because I can already imagine her backstory. And Cosmonut seems like the kind of character Garth Ennis would come up with so that he could torture him for sixty issues.

Flag and Hack manage to get Zod back in his Phantom Zone Sphere and Flag says, "For Boomerang." Why would he say that? Boomerang doesn't need Flag imprisoning Kryptonians for him! He could probably have done that himself if hes wasn't...wait. Where did Boomerang go? Oh, he probably ran off to hide in the bathroom during the fight.

I SAID HE'S HIDING IN THE BATHROOM!

Hack manages to pull everybody out via the Internet before the Russian Metas can reveal the name of their ghostly female member. The Squad pops out of the Internet back at Belle Reve with the Phantom Zone Sphere containing Zod. Apparently that was the plan the whole time. The only thing that went wrong was Captain Boomerang releasing Zod from the Sphere. However he managed to do that. Hack didn't remember to bring Captain Boomerang's smoking boots (which he totally jumped out of just before the heat vision almost hit him), so I imagine the Russians are going to clone Captain Boomerang and send the clone back to infiltrate the Squad. The real Captain Boomerang will just go retire to a tropical island in the back of my mind.

Once again, Jim Lee managed to get his twelve full pages done! Don't worry. He'll fall off pace soon enough and wind up doing the back-up stories. I don't know why DC thinks it's so important to have Jim Lee do the Suicide Squad. More often than not, his art is terrible masquerading as great. What I mean by that is he has a lot of fans who are terrible at art criticism.

The back-up story is about Flag and Harley Quinn. Rick Flag has decided it's time to test Harley's loyalties. Mostly she's proven loyal to the Squad because DC Comics can never again have a Suicide Squad that doesn't feature Harley Quinn because they've seen how much more money they make on this book with her in it. So what this story is supposed to do, I guess, is to justify her existence to the people who know she doesn't fit in this book at all. Although I thought Tim Seeley did a really nice job of making her an asset at the end of the last run of Suicide Squad. That must not count now since everything was Rebirthed.

In the story, Flag sacrifices half a dozen Suicide Squad Red Shirts to prove that Harley Quinn won't betray the Squad to The Joker. Or else the mission was real and just happened to be a perfect set-up to test her loyalty. Maybe the Red Shirts weren't actually killed and Harley just doesn't know how to properly check the vitals on suspiciously dead people. Anyway, Harley proves she won't betray Flag even if The Joker himself asks her to. I guess that's good to know. I'd say she still doesn't really fit on the team but Tim Seeley explained her role on the team. She's good at analyzing other super villains which makes her an asset in understanding how the opponents will react in combat. It didn't do much good on the trip to Russia though because of the cultural differences.

The Ranking!
1. Deathstork (1)
2. Suicide Squad (2)

Suicide Squad Rebirth #1

Suicide Squad goes from a logo that actually took a bit of graphic design to something a tenth grader would come up with for the cover of the yearbook.

The Commentary!
I will probably be going to see the Suicide Squad movie in a few days and I will probably enjoy the hell out of it, even if Harley has a scene with The Joker where she screams, "Martha?! Who's Martha?!" No matter how enjoyable the movie might be, it won't get a fair shake from the internet. I have a feeling Marvel fans are just waiting for the first widespread theatrical showing of Suicide Squad so that they can begin blogging their comments about how bad the movie was based on the early reviews they've already read. They'll have no original thoughts of their own because that's the fucking internet for you. Judge something on its own merits based on your own ideas and perceptions? Fuck that! If you disagree with the Internet, you'll be crucified! So instead of talking about the good points to Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us, just keep repeating the Martha gag over and over and fucking over (just like I did earlier!). Instead of pointing out how the scene makes emotional sense but was horribly directed, just pan the entire movie due to Snyder's poor interpretation of Batman's sudden realization of the humanity of this powerful alien. You know what? I shouldn't put all the blame on Snyder. Where the fuck did Jesse Eisenberg come up with that interpretation of Lex Luthor?!

Here's the deal: I'll tell you if the movie is good and why. I've been a fan of the Squad since Legends, so I'm not going to be happy if it's terrible. I mean, I'm already not happy that they're using the version of the Squad they're using! I'm fine with Amanda Waller, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Rick Flag, and Enchantress. And I understand DC's feeling that Harley Quinn is necessary. Hell, she'll probably steal the entire movie for most people. But I don't know how I feel about Katana being in the group. And I don't give a shit about Killer Croc. And El Diablo? Well, I guess they need somebody they can kill. If it were up to me, I would have included Oracle in this movie since Suicide Squad was when she first made her appearance. Since The Joker is in this movie, maybe have a scene where he shoots a young Barbara Gordon during some ribbon cutting ceremony in Gotham while she's on stage with her father. Make it sort of a background thing that you can replay again later in the movie from a perspective after they discover Oracle is helping them. Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did they miss this opportunity?!" And now I'm thinking, "Oh! Maybe they didn't! I haven't seen the movie yet! Maybe Oracle is in it!" But now now I'm thinking, "I'm pretty sure I would have heard about Oracle being in the film if she were in the film so stop dreaming, asshole."

Suicide Squad Rebirth begins with President Obama shutting down Task Force X. Being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know that this proclamation won't stick because this comic book is just starting. It's those kinds of things that separate the Grandmasters from the Amateurs. An Amateur Comic Book Reader probably read "The Suicide Squad is finished" on page one and thought, "What?! But it hasn't even started yet! I just wasted three bucks!" The really dumb ones probably think the comic book ended on that first page and went on to the next comic in their stack. Ha ha! Fools! But I know better! I know that all DC's $2.99 comic books are twenty pages long, even if they start off by saying that they're over!

It's up to Amanda Waller (fat again! Yay Rebirth!) to convince President Obama that he can shut his dumb lame duck fucking mouth!

The only problem with this whole program is that everybody fucking knows about it! Hopefully Rebirth makes it secret again!

It's hard to justify the Squad's existence on the basis that they take care of problems for America too sensitive for the government to deal with when all of the other governments know that when a team of supervillains attacks some organization within their borders, they're doing it on behalf of the US Government. And yet that's exactly how the last series, New Suicide Squad, began! Hopefully Rob Williams will make a better go at keeping the team covert.

I just realized the Jim Lee is drawing this book every two weeks (or, at least, eight or so pages of it, depending on how badly he fails his deadlines). Can he draw fat women?! Will Amanda be fat on issue and skinny the next?

Amanda's new plan for the Squad is to hire a war hero to lead the villains so that they retain some kind of moral compass and direction in the field. That hero is Rick Flag! Or Rick Flag Jr! Or Rick Flag the III! However he fits in, he's fucking Rick Flag, okay? Golden boy war hero! The man who can look Deadshot right in the eye and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That mustache is ridiculous." Rick Flag! The man who won't wind up putting his wiener in Harley's clown car! Rick Flag! The man who Captain Boomerang once called "the biggest buzzkill this side of some place in Australia!" I don't have time to research places in Australia! Just fill that quote in if you know of one. Like maybe New Zealand?

Hmm. Maybe all those things I said about Rick Flag? I must be remembering his father.

Apparently Rick Flag is in Guantanamo Bay, charged with terrorism. But it's not true! The terrorism charge is false! It's a--oh god--false Flag! Um, so, yeah, apparently Rick Flag refused to follow a superior's order because it would get his men killed. His men were forced to follow the order anyway and they were all killed. Somebody didn't like that Rick Flag was right and they disappeared him. And now Amanda Waller is here to free him! But not for free! He still has to do what she says and lead a team of villains on reckless and dangerous missions. For the good of the US of A, of course!

Amanda gives Flag the details of Task Force X. First she starts with the most important members: Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang. Sure, he's only called Boomerang since The New 52 but I'll always refer to him as Captain Boomerang since Boomerang sans Captain is part of that other universe. The one that takes place only in New York. Anyway, Amanda doesn't bother naming any of the other members because they're the ones who are likely to die. I mean, not Katana, of course. Or Killer Croc. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll find some disposable villains this time around. I trust Rob Williams to know the definition of "suicide".

Although how much can I really trust Rob Williams when the first mission he sends the Squad on is to rescue a scientist who has made a bomb that can turn off superpowers. I should probably just copy and paste the same rant into every single fucking comic book commentary I write since they all seem to use some kind of weapon that magically takes away superpowers. It's such a crutch! Although, to be fair, nobody currently on the Suicide Squad will be affected by the weapon since none of them have powers. It's just a threat to America that must be stopped before it gets used and creates another boring ass story I have to read about The Flash or Superman or Green Lantern losing their powers. So maybe I can trust Rob Williams! Maybe this is his way of saying, "My Suicide Squad is going to save the world from boring comic book tropes!" I would totally high-five Rob Williams if he were here right now and I weren't deathly allergic to giving high-fives to people older than four years old.

The scientist makes the ultimate mistake of telling the Suicide Squad that if he's captured, millions of innocent lives will be lost. Well, you know the easiest way to make sure the bad guys don't get their hands on him, right? Deadshot?

Or Boomer! Whatever!

I guess Boomer just got the plans for the bomb. Deadshot will have to deal with the scientist. Then they can dust off their hands and head back to America, heroes!

Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!

So, um, Rick Flag agrees to lead the team because it's either that or Guantanamo Bay until he dies. Go America!

The Review!
Rob Williams begins a wonderful new chapter in the history of the Suicide Squad! I can sense it! It's got all the makings of the Squad I remember. Waller alone in complete control. Rick Flag as the leader and moral compass. Deadshot and Captain Boomerang exchanging insults. Harley Qui...well, I guess some things are new. But the old Squad had Punch and Jewelee, so how different is Harley, really?! I'm looking forward to the Suicide Squad more than I have in a long time. I mean, Tim Seeley had a nice finishing run on New Suicide Squad. I could have seen him keep on keeping on with that version. But it seems like Rob Williams has a feel for the Squad. At least for the Squad I remember! And I only like things that I used to like and not things that are new!

Edge of Oblivion #5

Time to choose sides, bitches! I'm with the sentient onion! Or is that a jellyfish wearing a turtleneck? Am I being insensitive to aliens who look like rolled up socks with tassels?

The Review!
It's probably too late to tell people not to buy this comic book, right? Not that it's awful or anything. I mean, it might be but I'm not really judging it on its own merits. Maybe that's not fair but I also don't think it's fair for DC to sell me a comic book series that only exists because they already sold me a comic book series that was fucking horrible and was cancelled because it was fucking horrible and yet because of its existence, DC needed another story to fix what happened to the characters in that horrible, horrible story by Cullen Bunn. So now here I am paying for Tom Taylor's version of cleaning up after Cullen Bunn clogged the Green Lantern Corps' toilet which overflowed all over the DC Universe. I mean, DC really couldn't leave that disgusting mess just lying there, right?

The Whatever!
I often joke about how inconsequential everything I do is and then I remember that I'm wrong about that. I'm doing important work here. I'm doing better work than the media is doing. Because the thing corporations don't want anybody to be is open and honest about their products. Nobody wants to see somebody daily pissing all over the thing that makes them money (unless you sell urinals, I suppose). The main problem is that comic books are inconsequential. I know, I know. Super heroes and geek hobbies have taken over popular entertainment. But comic books are just a fringe outlier of super hero movies. Most people don't walk out of Civil War and think, "Now I want to experience that in a more boring version where I have to actually read!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should piss all over movies instead of Cullen Bunn! I mean comic books! Although I sort of want to make a movie short about pissing all over Cullen Bunn now. I wonder if he'd enjoy that? I hope that I wouldn't enjoy it too much or I wouldn't be able to piss, if you get that I mean that it's impossible to piss with a raging boner.

But seriously, I'm doing better, more honest work than most media outlets. Nobody owns this critic! Also nobody pays this critic. I wonder if I could get a decent paying job writing stupid puns about movies and going really easy on them and pretending everything I see for free is Citizen Kane? Who am I kidding? Pretending every movie were Citizen Kane would mean I'd have to say I didn't understand what I didn't sleep through! I probably should have said, "Pretending everything I see is Young Guns II!" Now that was the perfect movie! And the soundtrack?! Magnifique!

This issue begins with Guy Gardner realizing he was used by one group of aliens and now he's ready to be used by those aliens' enemies. But it's okay this time because he's probably fighting on the right side this time. It's Issue #5 so I don't think there will be yet another twist where it's revealed that the good aliens who were discovered to actually be the bad aliens really do turn out to be the good aliens. I really don't care if that happens because I don't care about anything that happens in this universe. The whole concept was a terrible idea in the first place.

You know that whole "in media res" thing where a story teller is supposed to begin the story in the middle of the story because it's way more exciting that way? I wish comic books would do that! I mean really do that! Not this bullshit "first page begins in the middle of the action and then by the second page we jump the narrative back to the beginning to over-explain how things got to page one". I just want comic books to stop filling shit in that doesn't need to be said because then we get comic books like this. I got it! Relic came from a universe that used up all of its light and was destroyed (although, I feel the need to state, yet again, that they theory never had any actual evidence to support it and this series only proved that Relic's theory was verified by John Stewart saying he was from the future and repeating Relic's theory to him). That's all I needed to know! Got it! I understand the motivations of the character. I don't need an entirely new series where people venture into that universe and go, "Oh yeah! Look at that! Relic's universe where everything is coming to an end! I'm sure glad this boring fucking story was told!"

Some of the Lanterns are still under the influence of the Blackest Knights so it's time for Green Lanterns to battle Green Lanterns. Being that 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and Simon Baz are on one team, my money is on that team. Not that I think they're better than the other team but I can only name John Stewart in the other team so it must not be as good.

Earlier, John said Kilowog knows all of the Lanterns' weaknesses because he trained them. So Kilowog creates one of those things that moo like a cow when you turn it over? That's John Stewart's weakness?

I just recently rewatched that scene in Delicatessen where they're making those Mooing cylinders or else I might have thought it was a salt shaker and deemed John Stewart a space slug.

Guy's plan is to lead the Blackest Knights into space where Mogo can go all Death Star on them. When Mogo accomplishes this, Ausras and Dismas's disguises fail them.

Oh, well if they look like that, they're obviously the monsters! Although I probably shouldn't think that having just read Meredith Finch's treaty on superficiality leading to leaps in judgment in her most recent story in Wonder Woman.

I suppose it isn't so much that Ausras and Dismas actually look like gigantic blow-job space piranha so much as they declare they're going to feast on the universe that blows their cover. Plus as I learned in the pages of Superman and the Truth storyline, if somebody is hiding who they really are, they're horrible monsters bent on total destruction, no matter how much their actions say different.

Edge of Oblivion #4

I never realized what a high percentage of Guy's costume was turtle neck and collar.

The Review!
I don't really care what happens in this comic book. Reading this comic book is like watching somebody mop up after a drunk asshole pisses all over the bathroom floor. Basically something occurred that should not have occurred and now Tom Taylor has to clean it all up before people begin to think that the bathroom floor has always been covered in Cullen Bunn's piss. Eventually the Corps will get back to the proper universe and everybody will forget that this little side adventure was ever pitched and somehow received as a good idea. On the plus side, Tom Taylor does the best job he can with a mop and a floor covered with piss. He even manages to wring one more twist out of the Green Lantern Mythos by making the bad guys who the Lanterns thought were the good guys into the super bad guys known as...The Blackest Knights! I bet Geoff Johns heard that and was all, "What?! Why didn't I think of that!" Of course Johns may have thought of it since I didn't read any of his ten year long run (Preboot, of course). Also, the Blackest Knights are a thinly veiled analogy of the United States foreign policy of constant war and imperialism while Marniel represents the powerless resorting to terrorist acts to do what they think is right. Of course, it all leads to a big fight between the Green Lanterns, some who have been brainwashed by Western propaganda and others who see the truth! Not that I'm judging anything in any way! I'm just describing what this book is about!

So basically, if you hate America, you should love this book! There might be other reasons to love this book too but I wouldn't know what they are. I just know this book keeps reminding me that Lost Army was a thing. A horrible, horrible thing.

Poison Ivy #3

Poison Ivy is about to breastfeed this man.

Rating: Worth reading if you're a Poison Ivy fan. I think. I mean, obviously Poison Ivy fans are going to pick this book up. And if they love Pam, they'll mostly ignore the plot. I'd say the next issue should be fun because Poison Ivy will be working with Catwoman. But in an earlier issue, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hung out and it was a total cock-up. They wound up yelling at each other and deciding to take a break from their relationship. I don't think that's something Poison Ivy fans would find worth reading! It was probably infuriating! I know I hated it when DC decided to make Power Girl and The Huntress enemies in one of those horrible Earth-2 books. And what about that movie at the theaters right now? Where Batman and Superman are battling! Why are so many characters in the DC You not allowed to have a friend?!

• Poison Ivy has recently hatched a few babies from a plant. I would love to say I didn't think there was a market for this but I grew up during the Cabbage Patch Kids craze. I know this market is insatiable.

• Some other stuff was going on but I can't remember what it was because I haven't been finding this story very interesting and I haven't been keeping careful notes on the comic books I've been reading the last couple of months.

• How do you take care of a plant baby? Splash a little water on it and leave it out in the sun?

• Poison Ivy is proud of her hybrid babies instead of disgusted. I find that an odd reaction because I'm disgusted by all babies.

• The babies might not be where Poison Ivy rakes in the cash. She also developed some Plant Nannies to take care of the babies. Now those would probably sell out in minutes! Just shove your baby in a flower and leave it for the day? Who wouldn't want one?

• Poison Ivy murders the guy who's been sexually harassing her at work. Apparently you can't have a female lead in a DC Comic without having her kill or beat the shit out of some sexist pig. Pretty soon there won't be any guys left in the DC You!

• Ivy needs to get into a secret lab at her work because somebody stole her research plans. Somebody is always stealing her research! She should stop working for the man and just start her own business. Catwoman can fund her.

• Speaking of Catwoman, she arrives to help Ivy break into the lab. Too bad she pissed off Harley in a previous issue. The whole gang could have been back together.