Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1

These Metal Tie-in covers remind me of copy protection on late 80s, early 90s computer games that used code wheels and color shifting technology to keep people from copying the passwords.

Why did somebody at DC Comics choose all the writers that I find mediocre to do these Dark Nights issues? So far there's been Frank Tieri, Joshua Williamson, and now Sam Humphries? At least they could have made this more entertaining for me by choosing terrible writers like Ann Nocenti, Howard Mackie, or J.T. Krul! Who chooses the most bland and boring writers for a series that's supposed to be orgasm enducing exciting?! Unless I've got a condition where yawning causes me to spontaneously jizz my pants, this series is going to be boner free.

This cover might be the first time I've seen somebdoy draw a male superhero with a thigh gap. Is that really Bruce Wayne in there? Maybe the top half is Bruce Wayne and the bottom half is Jessica Cruz. Oh man. I was wrong about the lack of boners!

This story takes place on Earth--32. That's Earth-Negative-32 and not Earth Em Dash 32. Although is it Earth En Dash Minus Sign 32 or Earth Hyphen Minus Sign 32? I would know if I gave a shit about actual grammar. At least I give more of a shit about it than Howard Mackie or his DC editors! That should give me a couple of points with the Nazis. I mean the Grammar Nazis and not the Eugenics Crazy Fun Bag Nazis! I don't want any points with them! Although if some Nazis were thrown onto my team in Halo's Big Team Battle, I suppose I would want their points to help our team win. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes down to the specific situation and the kinds of points were talking about.

On the Internet, you can't ask stupid questions that you already know the answer to just because you find it funny because everybody will see it as an opportunity to show you how smart they are. Well, I want everybody to know you don't have to answer any of the questions I asked in the previous paragraph. And if any family members are reading this, I don't want you to feel embarrassed by me because you now think I would replace an em dash with two hyphens! I've memorized the alt code for creating an em dash — Alt-0151! — and know some of the proper occasions for its use! I think!

On Earth-Negative-32, Bruce Wayne was given a Green Lantern ring as he knelt in his parents blood in Crime Alley. He immediately used the ring to kill Joe Chill by overpowering the limits on the ring with the greatest willpower that has ever existed in any fake universe that never really existed ever. I guess Earth-Negative-32 was born when young Bruce Wayne wished that he had killed his parents killer rather than just pissing his pants and weeping. Not that I'm making fun of that reaction! I think pissing your pants and weeping is the proper reaction to a whole host of experiences, none of which even come close to watching your parents murdered.

Apparently the First Law of the Green Lantern Corps is "Lethal force not permitted." I thought their First Law was either "Overcome all fear" or "Agree that Sinestro is a dick." What's the Second Law of Green Lantern Corps? "Don't fuck the aliens that look like goats"? You probably thought I was going to make a Fight Club joke there, didn't you? And maybe I did! You don't know that not fucking goats wasn't one of the Fight Club rules.

You didn't have to be alone, stupid. You do know what "corps" means, right?

I guess this is how this Dark Universe came into being. Bruce's thoughts when his parents died were "I would give anything to not feel powerless or alone." So a world was created where he got the universe's most powerful weapon and joined a large cosmic family. The only problem is he fucked it all up. I guess that's what happens when your timeline skews into the Dark Multiverse where it doesn't really exist.

Here's an example of Sam Humphries' fine writing:

Gordon: "Green Lantern. Wasn't sure you'd show up."
Green Lantern: "Gordon. I advise you to remain polite with me. The last cop who threatened me regretted it..."

Did I miss the threat in there? Or even Gordon's being impolite? It must have been in his tone.

This is another story of another universe where Batman chose to kill his enemies. I guess that's the main reason for all of Batman's Dark Earths. There must be an infinite amount of them since I'm pretty sure he thinks about killing every time he battles a villain. But then he doesn't because he knows, like an addict, just one murder will open the floodgates and he'll soon be drunk on corpses.

Eventually, the Green Lantern Corps notice something wrong with the ring sent to Earth. They head down to stop it and the entire corps is killed by Bruce Wayne. That's when he decides he doesn't want to be Green Lantern anymore. He decides to be Batman the Dawnbreaker which makes sense for some reason. I thought for a second that I knew what that reason was but then I read The Dawnbreaker's oath and I shit myself laughing.

It doesn't even maintain a proper rhythm! And that's the best part of it!

As Bruce discovers his new name, look, and oath, Earth-Negative-32 disintegrates all around him. But Batjoker turns up to recruit him to Barbatos's army. So now he's on his way to fuck up Earth-Main-Earth along with the rest of the Dark Bats.

Batman the Dawnbreaker decides to destroy Coast City but he makes a mistake. Before he can begin his murder spree, he vandalizes the Welcome to Coast City sign which completely pisses off Hal Jordan for some reason. I mean, how the hell did Hal even notice? It's not like he's ever on Earth anymore!

Hal loses the battle immediately but Doctor Fate rescues him. Doctor Fate is building a Justice League to save the Multiverse. It's weird though that he's only gathering Justice League members. I mean, he's kind of ripping off their idea, no?

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1 Rating: One out of Ten Green Lantern Oaths. By darkest oath, by darkest oath! No darkest oath can darkest oath! Quoth the oath, Nevermore! Okay, so I'm as bad at creating oaths as Sam Humphries and Geoff Johns! Sue me! I mean, don't actually sue me because I can't afford an attorney. Also I don't think you can sue me for not being able to write an oath while still criticizing the ability of others to write oaths! This is America, dammit! The land of lawsuits! I mean the land of freedom!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #17

It's canon: Saint Walker's penis is that thing on his head.

The Review!
In previous issues, Soranik has bragged about being a doctor. Maybe she just said, "I'm a doctor!" But in my book, that's bragging. Whoop-de-do! Look at you, you fancy, responsible adult who's actually making the world a better place (probably!). Even if you just became a doctor for the fat stacks of fat cash, you're still doing more for humanity than somebody boycotting a candle seller whom they never bought candles from anyway. That's actually a poor comparison. Most people are better than that jerk boycotting candles. They're just...you know what? I'm getting away from my original point. Soranik claimed she was a doctor and we all just believed her because why else would she cut open Hal Jordan from sternum to crotch unless she knew what she was doing? I mean, that scene never really made sense, did it? Soranik said she was saving Hal's life but was she really? You only have her word for it! And her word isn't worth much when you see how she treats a patient whose eye has recently popped out of his head.

That should take care of it!

Arkillo lost some fingers previously but those have since grown back (probably due to Rebirth). I'm sure his eye will come back too. As well as all the teeth Guy knocked out. And the prolapsed rectum will probably just slide back into place.

One of the Yellow Lanterns imprisoned by the Green Lantern Corps is a walking uncircumcised penis. I was going to say "sentient" but don't we all accept that penises have minds of their own? They're the most rebellious part of the body. My arms rarely shoot up over my head and refuse to drop back down no matter how much I try to will them to before anybody notices and begins screaming "Pervert!" at me.

The four of the six Lanterns of Earth share a scene together to remind everybody how important Earth is in the grand scheme of things. Look at all the Lanterns that have come from Earth! Two great ones, one marine that constantly gets other Lanterns killed, and a piece of shit slacker. Hal and Kyle take off to share a moment together because everybody needs to be told something that isn't true. Hal tells Kyle he's the best Lantern ever. He isn't. Not even close! But since Hal has now said it, readers have to believe it. It's canon now, motherfucker! Take that continuity and shove it!

Most of the rogue Yellow Lanterns have been captured. But one of the most dangerous seems to have evaded the Corps: Romat-ru.

I suppose this is showing Tomar-tu headed toward the Dark Side by murdering Romat-ru. But I'd rather believe Romat-ru murdered Tomar-tu and took his place because none of the other Lanterns can tell Xudarians apart.

Kyle Rayner's new job is to resurrect all of the dead Blue Lanterns. Bah! Who needs them? The Universe doesn't need a Lantern Corps based on hope! It might as well have one based on prayer. How about a color of light for Getting Up Off of Your Ass and Doing the Hard Work? Oh wait. That's probably the Green Lanterns, right? I guess they need hope to motivate them so the Green Lanterns can think, "I hope I get a raise for all this hard work I'm doing!"

Kyle fails to resurrect the Blue Lantern Corps because the universe has no hope. Or maybe Doctor Manhattan blocked the process for mysterious reasons of his tiny blue penis's own. I wonder if that's why Doctor Manhattan hasn't made an appearance yet. Do they put pants on him? Do they do that comedy thing where his crotch is always blocked by gourds and hoses and baguettes? Maybe they just give him a Barbie doll crotch? These are the tough editorial decisions DC must make in these exciting times!

After Kyle fails, the White Ring shatters into seven differently colored pieces. Six of the rings rush off to find new fingers but the green ring stays so that Kyle can get his old Green Lantern suit back. You know the one. The one that doesn't look anything like a Green Lantern outfit. Even Guy's outfit was more regulation.

The Ranking!
No change! I think in a few issues, Guy and Arkillo are going to fuck. Don't scoff! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I have great insight into these things! I also have a stubborn determination to never believe that things I predicted never happened. Remember how Harvest turned out to be Tim Drake after he was bitten by a vampire and lived for one thousand years before returning to the past? That still might happen! I bet Tim Drake's transformation into Harvest will be complete in Doctor Oz's prison. Or maybe that's why Doctor Oz had to imprison him? So that Tim doesn't become Harvest! I bet a week after Tim survived the attack of Jacob Kane's drones, he was bitten by that vampire! So Doctor Oz kidnapped him. That's some good editorial work! Now Harvest has been erased from continuity, right?!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15

Green Lantern dance contest!

How many dance contests have you ever been in? I've been in zero. So I'm not sure why I brought it up. I bet I could have had a really exciting anecdote here if I'd been in a dance competition! Or if I'd remembered to lie about having been in one! I probably would have won first place and did it with the second place winner. Who was a girl, of course! If I'm pretending it, I'm not going to pretend that I had sex with a man. As far as I know, I'm not gay when I'm lying.

Oh, and the woman was so sexy! And she probably was smart and had agency and a great personality and was a skilled silversmith and a bunch of other boring stuff that some people think is more important than how she looked (which was hot, if you remember correctly!). But that stuff isn't important since she was just made up to bolster my reputation as a lady's man who does it with attractive ladies. She wasn't made up in a way that would make me want to have a long-term relationship with her.

That's probably about as long as a review should be if I want to hold people's attention. People don't go on the Internet to invest a lot of time. I mean, they do spend a lot of time on the Internet but they divide that chunk of time (usually all the hours they aren't sleeping, eating, shitting, or doing it to other nerds) into many, many, many small bits. They read a few Tweets because those are manageable and it feels like you've done a lot of things when you get that many opinions from so many different sources at once (sources like ladies and men and feminist birds and some jerk that loves carrots and a few high school friends from Bumfuck, Missouri, who totally worship me for some reason (or at least they did when they were in junior high and probably not as much now that they're banging guys at the high school prom). Then maybe they'll read a bunch of racist opinions from their family members on Facebook and probably type a really scathing reply into the reply box but then leave the page without posting because who wants to get into an argument with an idiot (and, obviously, all racists are idiots. Hell, at this point, all Republicans are idiots. And I don't mean that in a condescending, I'm-so-much-smarter than they are way. I mean it as an easily proven fact. So dumb!)? Then they scroll through Tumblr and Instagram and PornHub for a bit. Who has time to read a well crafted critique of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15? Even I don't have time to read it and I'm wasting time writing the stupid thing!

The Review!
In this issue, an intergalactic gang of self-proclaimed police bully the citizens of the universe into doing things their way. The Green Lantern Corps are fascist pricks. Which I totally don't get! This comic book has the perfect set up to make the heroes look like heroes! A planet reports to the Green Lantern Corps that it's being attacked by some warmonger or some Twat Czarnian and the Green Lanterns rush off to save the everybody. But instead, they patrol the universe acting like jackbooted monsters, pulling over planets just because the wrong color alien lives on the planet. Or they pretend they're saving the universe when the universe doesn't really need to be saved, using it as an excuse to extend the reach of their authority.

So the evil Tomar-tu's name is simply the Scooby Doo version of Tomar-tu?

What makes Romat-Ru a serial killer while other people are super villains or galactic threats or Lobo? Is it because he gets a boner when he kills people and doesn't accept money for the job?

Guy Gardner has stolen Space Cabbie's cab to go hunt down somebody. Probably Arkillo, right? I can't believe I remembered that name! Go brain! What are you on? Vitamins or something?

As a Green Lantern, Guy can steal somebody's spaceship without reprisal. It's called commandeering when you're a pretend space police officer. Although he's not on official business, having left his ring behind and gone out in his Guy Gardner Warrior jacket. But he left a note that says, "Thanks for the loaner! Guy." That should totally hold up in court. "If I was stealing it, Judge, would I have called it a loaner? Duh! Idiot."

Meanwhile, Saint Walker has been found. He's the Blue Lantern whose head is a spermatozoa. Now I want to sew up a tiny little Saint Walker costume and jerk off on it. Cosplay!

While trying to rescue Saint Walker, Hal and Kyle fall victim to the Misery Mound. I know what you're thinking but that's sexist so stop thinking it. But they don't fall victim for long because they're so awesome and shit. After whatever just happened, they head back to Mogo with Saint Walker in tow.

Meanwhile, Arkillo responds to Guy Gardner calling him out for a fist fight after school.

The Ranking!
No change.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #12

Ethan Van Sciver draws the worst male crotches.

The one time the GOP have ever used the excuse that they were being inclusive was when they refused to acknowledge the Jewish people were targeted by Hitler's regime. They're like a bunch of stoners who still think they're being sneaky when they refer to 420. We all hear your stupid dog-whistles, you racists.

The Review!
This issue begins with the Green and Yellow Lanterns battling the Orange Lanterns.

I didn't know Guy Gardner's penis was a Green Lantern.

To beat Larfleeze, John orders the Green Lanterns to smash the shit out of Larfleeze's collection. This seems like one of those solutions that's only a solution because the writer is in control of it being a solution. But just based on how Tomar-Tu needs to keep his home city in a green bubble to keep it from growing back to its normal size in the underground chamber, I'd guess that at least a few other bottles have cities in them as well. Not only that, there are horrible aliens in those jars too! Like Starro! And probably some other ones!

Plus at least one terribly written alien!

This isn't the first time one writer has commented on how terrible another writer is. Remember Rotworld? Jeff Lemire made sure that all the evil Rotworld superheroes were those being terribly written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco and J.T. Krul and Nathan Edmondson. I agree that it's possible Venditti is simply commenting on what a terrible concept Twat Lobo was, or maybe Hal is suggesting Twat Lobo is too dangerous to be set free. But knowing how writers think, I'm going to assume that this is about how terrible Cullen Bunn wrote Twat Lobo. Just wink at me if I'm write, Bobby!

Larfleeze blames the failure on Brainiac 2.0 and kills him. That simply means Brainiac 2.0 is now an Orange Lantern. I always hoped he'd get some familiar faces on his squad. Maybe he should kill Twat Lobo too!

The Lanterns finish the job and congratulate each other. There's some sappy family garbage between Hal and Tomar-Tu (unless it's Tomar-Re?) before the Yellow Lanterns and the Green Lanterns form a peaceful treaty. And they all lived happily ever after! Again! And finally!

The Ranking!
No change!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #8

I thought about calling this "A Corpse and the Green Lantern Corps," but I don't think Hal Jordan's corpse will make an appearance. So I'll just leave it as is.

I've got a busy week doing like one whole planned thing every day this week, so I'm going to do some reviews that are really light on the words and heavy on the scans. And also there won't be many scans!

Don't you hate people who go on and on about how busy they are all the time? Don't you just want to slap them with a dick? I know I just said how busy I would be this week! But I don't say that all of the time. Usually I'm not busy at all! I hate to do things that are planned in advance because they completely ruin the day they're planned for and sometimes the day before as well. Today was Medical Errands Day! It wasn't a big deal so I won't go into detail. Tomorrow I have to go see Rogue One and have a pizza dinner with my father and sister. Ugh! So much work! The day after that, I have to go to a birthday dinner for a guy who is easier to describe as a stranger than my Non-Certified Spouse's Father's Wife's Son! But after that, I'm going to do Karaoke with the Non-Certified Spouse and her sister. I'm actually looking forward to that! Friday, a guest is coming by the house to bake cookies and talk about conspiracy theories and how I'm probably an unthinking idiot who listens to the Lamestream media simply because I think Ayn Rand was a twat. Thankfully it won't be too exhausting because we generally know better than to bring up topics that could lead to me calling the guest crazy. Again. Then Saturday is probably Christmas Eve Dinner with some family member. Whatever. And Sunday it's back to work! As you can see, there is no time at all in there to schedule reading comic books, even if most of those activities don't take up the whole day. They do, however, take up all of my energy reserves for the day!

Error?! Like Hal Jordan is too good for death? Just go fucking find a replacement already, you stupid ring!

Instead of looking for a replacement for Hal Jordan, the ring rushes off to find Hal himself. I suppose this is the ring Hal made. I can see him programming it to look for himself after he dies instead of a replacement. Because who does Hal think could replace Hal? Fucking nobody, bitches!

Ethan Van Sciver's art is terrible. But that's just my opinion! Take it for what's it's worth, and what it's worth is coming from somebody whose aesthetic is utility. You should see the shitty computer bag I use to carry my books and/or laptop around when I go to sit in a coffee shop in my moth-eaten t-shirts and worn out jeans! My aunt (who has less taste than I do!) gave the black bag to me with my initials embroidered on the front in white thread. So it's a clunky, visually unpleasing mess with JAG emblazoned on the front. I'm so fucking cool! Sometimes when I see a person glance at it, I think, "I wonder if they realize the JAG on this bag is the same JAG with the top score on Galaga down at the Retrocade?"

The Green Lantern Corps face their first major emergency before Mogo can even get settled into the only place in the universe that, I suppose, doesn't expand or orbit anything else? Is that how the center of the universe works? I mean in the DC Universe! In our universe, wherever the observer is observing is the center! So all of those dark thoughts you have late at night where you picture yourself as the mover and shaker of everything and the only important cog to the whole fucking system? That's pretty much true. Especially when you realize that there is no difference between your death and the death of the universe. When you stop observing it, it actually stops existing. I mean, from your perspective! Which is now non-existent. Or something.

The emergency? Starro is attacking Tomar-Re's home! But since Tomar-Re is dead, Starro isn't attacking anything and doesn't exist! Too bad Starro is also attacking Tomar-Tu's homeworld and Tomar-Tu is still alive to perceive Starro which means disaster for Xudar (that's the name of the planet he's from!).

It's canon! Starro is ace! What? I do too know what I'm talking about!

Starro begins flinging its spores all over Xudar. It's totally disgusting. It's like my bedroom when I was fifteen.

Soranik arrives with her Yellow Lanterns to help defeat Starro even though John was all, "You listen to me, woman! You stay behind with your filthy animal friends!" But now Soranik is all, "Look at my tits! LOOK AT THEM! I AM POWERFUL!" She also continues to call the Yellow Lanterns "The Sinestro Corps" which seems a bit like calling the post-World-War-II German people "Hitlerites." Sinestro is dead and gone and was a cancer to the universe. Why would you continue to call your army by his name?!

Starro disappears because it gets bottled by Brainiac 2.0 who is now into collecting species instead of dying worlds. But he's not doing it for himself. He seems to be working for somebody called The Grand Collector. Is he selling DC characters to Marvel? Anyway, Brainiac 2.0 also bottles the Green and Yellow Lanterns. These stupid Lanterns keep getting cut off from their universe! They're the worst fascist, militarized police force in the history of fascist, militarized police forces.

The epilogue consists of Ganthet and Sayd being visited by Hal Jordan's ring and realizing that their time of exile has ended, whatever that means. I guess the less things change, the less things change. The fucking Guardians are coming back. Whee. I'm so excited.

The Rating!
No change. Hal Jordan became pure will to destroy Sinestro. Does that mean Sinestro became pure fear? And now they're zipping around in space as abstract ideas until something can give them form once again? Something like a Guardian of the Universe? Or, in Sinestro's case, a Pensioner of Qwaard?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #5

How is that rolled-up sweat sock Green Lantern still alive?

The Commentary!
• I hope Robert Venditti has the balls to criticize teenagers in this comic book the way Christopher Priest criticized them in Deathstork #3! Should I still be calling him "Christopher Priest"? According to the credits in Deathstork, he just wants to go by Priest now. That seems confusing though. In no alternate universe (or this one either!) will you find a version of me calling Christopher Priest merely Priest. That's not a name! It's a spoiler that somebody is going to be molested.

• Currently in this story, Sinestro believes he's taken over the universe but he's still doing the same things that caused him to fail when he was a petty crook with a yellow ring who couldn't beat a guy whose green ring had no effect on yellow. First off, he's decided that torturing Guy Gardner is a good thing. I can't deny that it's probably a satisfying thing! I'm sure Guy has said a number of horrible things about Sinestro's mother over the years, so why wouldn't Sinestro want to torture Guy? But being that Sinestro is supposedly a great and powerful galactic overlord now, he should be past those petty concerns! He should know that pissing off Guy Gardner is never a good move! Hal is the type of guy who will simply punch you in the face if you piss him off. Guy Gardner definitely knows what the term "teabagging" means and he's probably had some practice doing it.

• If Guy Gardner does escape to teabag Sinestro, that would explain why Lyssa never warns Sinestro that that will be the outcome. You know, since she knows the future. She also probably already knows that she'll be jerking off while watching it.

• Although Lyssa doesn't have to resort to masturbation anymore now that Sinestro's penis is full of Parallax. Just to make sure the Parallax is still working, Lyssa pays Sinestro a visit and they do it.

Who does Sinestro's laundry? Because those sheets are about to get wrecked.

• Soranik tells Hal that she performed Korugarian surgery on him. I guess Korugarian surgery is mostly optional and the option to do it is the doctors. She doesn't explain why he needed to be cut open, probably because he didn't need to at all. I think Soranik had a grudge against Hal from an earlier story and took a shit inside of him.

• 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 makes a brief guest appearance. She doesn't say anything which is a mistake on Venditti's part. Currently there are probably people out there who think 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 sometimes speaks in binary. That's a huge mistake Cullen Bunn, a terrible writer, made in his terrible series, Lost Army, which was terrible. Her people are mathematically inclined. That has nothing to do with the binary language. Maybe if he'd had her curse in mathematical formulas or theorems, I would not have thought, "Christ! Cullen Bunn is a terrible writer and cannot get anything right! How terrible he is at the writing!" Instead I might have thought, "Well, Cullen Bunn certainly is a terrible writer but at least he understands her culture!" Venditti needs to right that wrong as soon as possible!

• Hal continues to talk with Soranik without ever saying, "Why did you cut me open?! What is wrong with you?! Do I smell shit?!"

Ethan Van Sciver's Hal has the most kissable mouth.

• Hal Jordan tells Soranik he's going to blow Warworld to Hell and then he does the Pee Pee Dance. Not the dance you do when you need to pee. The dance you do that's called the Pee Pee Dance! I'm pretty sure that's a thing. If it's not, you'll probably know exactly how it goes now that I've named it and after I show you this scan:

This is the only dance I do at weddings.

• Stewart and his Green Lantern Corps discover millions of ships descending on Mogo. Unless the ships are just floating in space as Mogo rushes towards them. It's hard to tell what's happening in space without relating it to something else, and then you have to choose the way you want to perceive it. But since they see it as the ships attacking, Stewart orders Iolande to fire a warning shot at the lead ship. So Iolande gets into her Crotch Gun which probably has nothing to do with intergalactic penis envy at all, and fires a warning shot that blows the ship to pieces. I don't know. Is that technically a warning shot? I suppose it's a warning to the other ships, right? But it seems like she ignored the spirit of John's command.

• After the ship blows up, John says, "We mean none of you any harm. Attempt to approach our planet, and we will have no choice but to fire on you. Next time, the shot won't miss." Oh? Hmm. Maybe I interpreted the art in the warning shot panel incorrectly.

This was supposed to be a scan of the ship blowing up but I thought people would rather see Iolande inside of her Crotch Gun.

• The ships Stewart encounters are Intergalactic Citizens headed to Warworld to harshly protest Sinestro's heavy taxes. Since his taxes are actually the best and brightest citizens of every civilization, they decided maybe that was too high a price to pay to be in constant fear. They welcome the Green Lanterns and provide them with a Thomas Map to Warworld. Oh. So I guess everybody is suddenly realizing that the Green Lantern Corps wasn't quite as fascist as they seemed to be, huh?! Everybody hates a Green Lantern until they need one!

• Sinestro doesn't realize how close he came to being Richard Ramirezed by the universe! I mean, now he's going to be Los Angeles Police Brutalitied by the universe. I'm not sure what's worse. No wait! I know what's worse: Guy Gardner teabagging him after the battle is over.

The Ranking!
+1! My heart is a shriveled piece of scarred muscle tissue and I still felt some small twinkling of joy when John Stewart was greeted warmly by the Citizens Uniting to Neutralize Totalitarian Sinestro.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #4

Good thing I know this comic book will never be valuable or I'd be pissed that my comic book store sold me one with a tear on the cover.

The Review!
John Stewart used to be one of my favorite Green Lanterns. But now he's just a stereotype of a Marine. If something from his past informs one of his decisions, you can bet it will now be something from his time in the military. It's not like he had a life other than the few years he spent in the military. None of that shit matters. I guess at least he's not completely second guessing every single one of his decisions because every time he makes a decision, somebody (or whole planets) die. I think I disliked that John Stewart even more than the one that only seems to have military life in his past. The John Stewart I liked was the one who used his brains to solve problems. Hal used his will. Guy used his bravado. And John used his brains. Now, John uses the shit he learned in the military. Ugh. I'm so sick of this John.

Anyway, that was just the end of this issue. John is all, "My military training is telling me to do this one thing. Although my time as a Marine is telling me to do this other thing!" He eventually settles on doing the thing he learned as a Marine while in the military. Um, but like I said, that was just the end of the issue! Some other stuff happens as well.

Soranik cuts open Hal Jordan for some reason. It's possible she was super horny and knew Earthlings sometimes did this thing called "Playing Doctor" and she fucked it all up. I mean, it might have made her come but I don't think Hal particularly enjoyed it. I don't know why else she would have cut him open. Maybe she took out his Fear Gland?

Guy Gardner has been captured and is now hanging out with Sinestro and Administer Lash. He's naked and getting drunk. I think Guy's attitude is probably why Sinestro can't put him in the Fear Machine. Guy might break it with his cynicism and his naked dong.

Personally, I don't understand what motivates Sinestro. Why does he want to bring order to the universe? Isn't the universe already ordered in its own way? I suppose I've just never understood the need to control my environment and the people around me. I'm the kind of person who can take a hit of LSD while walking around a crowded amusement park and have the time of my life. Control? Fuck control. Just let life wash over me and I'm satisfied with whatever happens. I mean, as long as I don't die or get injured or don't go without getting laid for too long. The only time I get upset that the world around me isn't doing what I expect it to do is when technology decides it doesn't want to submit to my will anymore. Hey, you stupid near-robot machines! Who fucking programmed you?! Us humans! Get it through your microprocessor already! I'm the boss! When I say "Print," you say "How high?!" You don't say, "Cannot find printer." You do not say, forever, "Job spooling." You do not leave me in a limbo where I wait for Goddamned ever while the printed piece of paper I asked for never fucking appears! I will throw you through the wall, you hunk of junk!

Hmm, maybe I should project my feelings when my laptop won't wirelessly communicate with my printer onto Sinestro and just realize that's the kind of frustration he deals with on a constant basis when the universe and the people in it don't act exactly how he expects them to act. I think maybe I understand him now! Boy, what a dick. I know I hate myself when I get pissed at technology. Usually because I wind up nearly breaking a foot on a file cabinet. I should probably hang a punching bag by the printer to save me from self-inflicted injuries.

Ranking!
0. This issue felt really light on plot developments. It felt less like the story advanced and more like a bunch of people eventually reached a decision due to events from last issue. This was kind of a characters stroking their chins issue. Plus Guy was naked. I didn't need to see that.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps Rebirth #1

This is the worst title to a comic book since The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men.

The Review!
DC was really worried Hal Jordan's fans wouldn't know which Green Lantern book he was in, weren't they? So they decided to call this book "Hey Hal Jordan fans! This is the Green Lantern comic book in which you can find Hal Jordan! Also starring the ridiculous Green Lantern Corps!" I'm glad whoever came up with this title didn't also come up with "Kyle Rayner and The Omega Men". Essentially, this issue, being a Rebirth issue, is just setting up the new status quo for Hal Jordan. He's back to being a regular old Green Lantern and ready to find the Green Lantern Corps and set up shop once more. But this time, he'll be the leader and he won't let any little blue guys fuck it all up. At least not until he realizes Ganthet is still out there and he'll let his guard down because it's Ganthet and then Ganthet will be all, "Hey, I've got a few friends coming by. Do you mind if they stay with me?" And before Hal Jordan can set out some spare towels, he'll be ankle deep in Guardians again. Also in this issue: Sinestro uses Parallax as his Space Viagra.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan looks like he's in a production of Oklahoma! on the cover. Why is Hal so happy? Is Hal ever this happy? Maybe he just had the opportunity to punch a whole bunch of people in their stupid faces! Or maybe he's on Space MDMA!

The story begins with Sinestro setting up camp in Space Sector Zero. He's not one for roughing it so he brought his entire Warworld to the campsite. It's basically his RV since he now looks like an elderly person. Of course Lyssa still looks young and fit because DC knows better than to upset the buttered side of the bread. Hal Jordan fans don't have time to look at old women with shirts cut so low you can see their vagina cleavage. Lyssa attempts to give Sinestro a handjob but he rejects her advances. Didn't the Book of Parallax tell her that Sinestro would spurn her advances?! Maybe if she didn't attempt the act, the Book of Parallax revealed Sinestro would go off to pout about how Lyssa isn't attracted to him anymore and the universe would have gone on peacefully without any more interference from the Sinestro Corps. And who could have that?! It must be time for another Sinestro War!

Hal Jordan has hidden himself away on a dead planet in Space Sector 563. Hal is suffering from a side effect of the green lantern light that the Guardians of Oa didn't warn him about. That's no surprise because they reveal information on a need-to-know basis and, generally, nobody needs to know anything, ever. So now Hal is turning into a being of pure willpower and he's forgetting who he is. But through the power of willpower, he's going to remember his identity! Good thing he's turning into willpower since he needs as much as he can to not totally turn into it.

And totally had sex with the underage one! And possibly the one that looks like an onion, a jellyfish, and a pair of rolled up sweat socks had a disgusting baby.

The Guardians didn't warn Hal about the whole turning into willpower thing because they never expected he'd steal Krona's Gauntlet. That's just the kind of thinking that constantly gets the Guardians in trouble. They create a dangerous weapon but don't destroy it. I understand that compulsion. I would never destroy anything I ever created either because all of my babies are so precious to me, even the ones that could be used against me in a court of law. But then they hire a guy like Hal Jordan who is totally the kind of person who would steal Krona's Gauntlet. But they still don't warn Hal about its dangers because that would be admitting that they might be making some mistakes, or, at the very least, some serious errors in judgment. So instead, most of them decided to be killed by Sinestro so that everything they created would fall apart and they would never have to admit that just about every choice they ever made since Krona first looked at God masturbating the universe into existence was terrible.

On his dead planet hideaway, Hal Jordan begins forging something out of Green Lantern Light. Probably a new ring so he can ditch the stupid glove that is killing him. Or making him better. It's both the same thing because Hal Jordan not being Hal Jordan would be a total shame to Hal Jordan. That's understandable. Sometimes people say I should be nicer and I'm all, "But then I wouldn't be me! You're killing me! I hate you, mom!"

Back on Warworld, Sinestro reveals that he's using Parallax to power Warworld. I guess New Korugar was stabilized by the terraforming weapon of the Red Lanterns so Parallax was free to be enslaved elsewhere. I have some questions concerning Parallax! Why did Ron Marz choose that word as Hal Jordan's new name? Because it sounded cool? I bet he was listening to a lot of Roll the Bones at the time. Other than that, I can't be bothered to write a defense for choosing the name based on the definition of the word. What's even weirder is that an ancient creature born eons before any of the languages of Earth had come into existence had taken the name. I guess it's just one of those weird cosmic synchronicities that cause so many aliens from across the universe to have names with Latin roots. I also don't know why each color of the emotional spectrum needs to be represented by some cosmic light creature. What is their relationship with the spectrum itself? Does the Red Spectrum arise from The Butcher or does The Butcher arise from the Red Spectrum? Or are they simply one and the same, since comic book battles are more exciting when they're fought against monsters. If not for the creatures, Hal Jordan battling against the Red Spectrum would just be Hal swinging wildly at red light waves, I guess.

I think my real question is why did DC Comics allow Ron Marz to shit all over Hal Jordan way back in the early nineties? All of this insanity stems from that moment! I suppose some people would see that as a good thing since they couldn't get enough of Geoff Johns' dick during his Green Lantern Revival.

Hal Jordan finishes creating his own Green Lantern Ring. He explains that the Guardians said they were the only ones who could forge the rings and Hal pats himself on the back for finally proving them wrong. I don't think that's what has happened here at all! I think the Guardians were right! Which can mean only one thing: Hal Jordan is now a Guardian of the Universe!

Green Lanterns Rebirth #1

The pseudo-monocle makes Jessica feel classy.

The Review!
The new Green Lanterns book is going to be all about teamwork! But not good teamwork! Oh no! This is more like your homophobic uncle in a three legged race with your campy brother-in-law! It's going to be full of fireworks between the good guys! That's the kind of exciting drama that really sells comic books. Who wants to read about heroes getting along? Fuck that nonsense! Imagine heroes striving for a peaceful world while actually being kind and peaceful to their peers? Ludicrous! Although since Simon and Jessica are, presumably, heterosexual and of opposite sexes, there might actually be a Moonlighting vibe being set up in this book. Will they or won't they? Ooh! I'm all in a quiver from the tense hate-love soon to be bred between these too! Nothing more romantic than a good hate-fuck! I hope they have racist sex talk while fucking! "Bomb my vagina, you terrorist!" "Tend to my garden, you...wait. You are Portuguese, right?"

The Commentary!
I was just thinking, "Earth doesn't have enough of a disproportionate amount of Green Lanterns in the universe!" So thank goodness for this book! I suppose Earth deserves more Green Lanterns than other planets because the creatures of other planets tend to be homogenized. Earth has people of different sexes and religions and cultures and races and intelligence levels and fashion senses and sexualities! It's as if every other planet in the DC Universe has been modeled incorrectly! Why is Earth so different?! Occasionally you'll have a planet elsewhere in the DC Universe that has two warring factions but that's about it. Or if the planet has many different types of humanoids, it's usually because they're all off-planet visitors and most of them are thugs and/or assassins. But while making Lobo a Green Lantern pretty much represents Czarnia (I mean, the females were practically just like the males anyway, if I'm going to judge by Sheba (who only made one brief appearance in the New 52 but it was enough for me to judge her as simply the female Lobo!)), Earth can have a white jock Lantern and a white dick Lantern and a black architect (who is also a marine!) Lantern and a white comic book artist lantern and a Muslim gun-toting Lantern and a Hispanic female Lantern, and Earth still needs more representation in its Lanterns! Fucking Earth. What a pain in the ass. I won't be happy until there's an Australian Aboriginal Lantern. Who better to manipulate the Light Energy than a master of the Dreamtime?

This issue begins with a Red Lantern cataloging the different human Lanterns like I just did! I should have just read the first page before starting my commentary because then I could have simply replaced that first paragraph with a scan! My guess is the Red Lantern narrating the book is Bleez because I think I read in some advertisement or back-up feature that Bleez was going to cause trouble in the Green Lanterns' world. I would rather it be Dex-Starr since Dex is also from Earth. Dex deserves to be in this book as much as any other Earth Lantern!

Currently, one of the last remaining Guardians--probably one of the Bohemian ones since Sinestro killed the mainstream ones--is being chased through space by a bunch of Dominators. He carries a box with a new ring inside of it! I wonder what color this one will be. Will it be the fabled Magenta Ring of my imagination?! The one destined to be worn by a tween girl into ponies and roleplaying?! Oh! Maps should get to wear it! I don't know if she's into ponies but I can let that part of the prophecy go if Maps suddenly wore the most powerful weapon in all of creation, the Magenta Ring!

The Guardian is headed to Earth with his new ring that, according to its display of power, has a whole new symbol! Probably the Magenta symbol. Hopefully the secret will be revealed before this comic book ends. I have my doubts because Geoff Johns is the co-writer. So it might take anywhere from five to ten years to discover what this is all about. Then again, Johns isn't writing the regular Green Lanterns book, so he might want to make sure the secret gets revealed this issue so he can take credit for how amazing it is.

Jessica Cruz and Simon Baz have yet to meet but since they're the main characters of this comic book, it's time to change that.

Has Simon even spent enough time around Guy to feel this way about him? He's been relegated to the background's background since the day after he first made his debut.

I think Simon Baz suffered from the Comic Book News Cycle. That's when everybody explodes in a flurry of opinions over the report of what a comic book will be up to in three months only to have the actual event greeted by silence and yawns. So DC announced they were going to have a Muslim Green Lantern months before he appeared, everybody had their little insignificant Internet reactions, and then months later he appeared and everybody had already moved on to the next thing they could accuse DC of mismanaging.

The crashed ship the Green Lanterns are investigating houses a Manhunter! Oh no! Did you know that no man escapes the Manhunters?! I hope Jessica Cruz doesn't use that tired fucking thing where she'll be all, "But I'm no man!" As if we don't all understand what the Manhunter means by the all-encompassing term of "man". Stop winning major battles due to semantics, women!

Of course the Manhunter attacks! Why do you think it's called a Manhunter? I mean, I guess Martian Manhunter has the same name and he doesn't go around attacking men (and women!) willy nilly.

Why does that deserve a warning? The Green Lanterns get power boosts from Blue Lanterns all the time and everything is hunky-dory!

Hal Jordan appears to deactivate the Manhunter after it sort of beats Baz and Cruz. Hal sent it as a surprise training operation. What a dick! Also, I guess Hal is a Green Lantern again and not a renegade. I'm sure I'll eventually read the book that straightened that out. Maybe the end of Oblivion? Or whichever Rebirth book is about Hal Jordan. Or maybe I just have to accept it as part of the new normal.

Hal Jordan doesn't like how Simon and Jessica bicker. I don't either! How dare Simon judge Guy Gardner and then act exactly like him, demanding seniority and declaring himself the main Green Lantern of Earth! Hal Jordan merges their Power Batteries so that they have to recharge their rings together. I don't know if that's just asking for future trouble or it's super kinky.

Being rookies, Simon and Jessica need training. But since the Corps is still missing and Sinestro is still causing problems for Hal, the two new Lanterns will need some help from the Justice League.

How come Wonder Woman has to be turned away from the reader's gaze? Oh wait! I know why! Because Ed Benes is drawing this and he saw a good ass opportunity!

The Narrator is Atrocitus who has plans for Earth, something called Red Dawn. There's always some stupid prophecy with a stupid name ready to rear its ugly head in the world of the Green Lanterns, especially when Geoff Johns is writing. Dex-Starr makes a cameo at the end but the Guardian's secret new ring of power is never unveiled. Of course it isn't! Don't expect to know what that's about for at least another year!

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is so...so...fonty! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Twat Lobo #13

Twenty years ago, I'd have rooted against Hal Jordan. Not today!

Well Twat Lobo! You had a good run. I mean, it wasn't exactly "good" at all, really. It was practically the definition of horrible. But keep your chin up! If you ignore all of the critics who were completely right in saying this was a bad comic book, and disregard the constantly plummeting monthly sales, you were actually fairly successful! Some people who wanted to fuck you decided to ignore the shitty writing and awful dialogue and tone deaf rape scenes so that they could laud the series. And fans of whatever Cullen Bunn has written that has apparently been good--I wouldn't know what that was since none of it has been at DC--have also managed to convince themselves that this series was a truly novel horror title. And I think it was loyal Lobo fans who don't have it within themselves to criticize any version of the Main Man who thought maybe this was a parody of James Bond? Plus if I had to choose the best book of all time and it was between Cullen Bunn's Twat Lobo and Ann Nocenti's Katana, you'd win hands down, Twat Lobo! So anyway, what I'm trying to say is you had a successful run if you squint a bit and lie to yourself and manipulate all of the data and ignore reality. Congratulations!

Twat Lobo has recently let himself go. He's looking more and more like Real Deal Lobo which could mean that Cullen Bunn stole my idea about making Twat Lobo the younger version of Real Deal Lobo and introducing a time travel element into the story which leads to Twat Lobo killing his older self. That totally works for me and makes the series just a tiny bit better overall. He also took a huge overdose of drugs last issue which could explain why his older self has no memory of the details of his earlier life. The drugs have also sent Twat Lobo on a murderous rage across the universe killing other bounty hunters. But not because they're bounty hunters! It's because he's hallucinating Czarnian faces on all of them.

The issue begins with Twat Lobo hallucinating one of those faces on Hal Jordan. That's a good idea because it means Green Lantern fans will pick up this issue and Twat Lobo might end on a less depressing financial note.

Compare this page to the cover. Since the cover was commissioned, DC has obviously backpedaled on the Twatiness of Lobo.

Hal Jordan points out that this isn't his fight. I'd like to argue the point, Hal. It's all very well to describe being mugged or attacked at random as "not your fight" but it kind of is. You may not have chosen the fight. You may not be the type of asshole that goes around getting into fights (that's a hypothetical person in that statement since Hal Jordan actually is that type of asshole). But once a fight is brought to you, it's your fight whether you want it or not. Because the only other option at that point is to take the beating that, with your logic, wasn't your beating. I'd rather engage in the fight that wasn't my fight than simply take the beating that wasn't my beating.

Twat Lobo hallucinates his old partners from Earth who died. The drugs Twat Lobo took really shouldn't be causing him to hallucinate people trying to help him get the drugs out of his system. What kind of self-destructive drugs are those?! They should be making him hallucinate hot young sex monkeys chirping at him to take more drugs and do weird things with bananas. I wonder where I can get some drugs like those? And some bananas?

Hal Jordan flies Twat Lobo into space and then hurls him back to the planet so he burns up from whatever causes a thing to burn up during atmospheric reentry. Air pressure or something. I don't want to get too technical with my readers so we'll leave it at that instead of having me explain it in detail which I totally could if I wanted to.

See? It's a horror comic book full of sexy ghosts! I mean scary ghosts!

Hal Jordan flies down to talk to Twat Lobo after "checking around" to discover that Twat Lobo was on drugs. Where the fuck did he "check around"?! I was really getting into the story up until that part! Now I've been pulled out of the narrative by some ridiculous bullshit thrown in simply to have Hal Jordan put together pieces of the story he wasn't privy to! And don't say his glove told him because his glove isn't tied into the same World Wide Green Lantern Web that the rings are tied into! Hal pointed that out himself in Green Lantern #47!

Some purple guy from The Citadel picked up Twat Lobo to explain what's been going on. The drugs were made from dead planets because obviously. Duh. Best drugs you can get! The only problem is that Twat Lobo snorted some Czarnia! Oh noes! That totally explains everything somehow! Especially if you want to fuck Twat Lobo! Poor guy! I totally get it! I mean, um, whut's going on?!

Twat Lobo decides he doesn't need The Citadel's help and that he loves the idea of his planet being inside him because it's a cool idea if you're drunk and have a serious concussion, I guess.

Also he's back to being Twat Lobo thanks to the atmospheric reentry makeover.

I cut off the threat on that last page that told people to watch for Twat Lobo in Batman Loves Superman #29. That was the most horrific part of this horror story. Or was it a parody of James Bond? I forget what I'm supposed to think.

Twat Lobo #13 Rating: No change. What a cool ending...I can hear idiots saying. With the drug in Twat Lobo's system and the variance in his looks, my guess is that the first issue battle between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo was an Edward Norton/Tyler Durden Fight Club deal. So there's not difference between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo at all. They're just unaware of each other inhabiting the same body. I don't know if that makes anything better but at least I can imagine Twat Lobo will one day be completely suppressed and I never have to read another comic book about him ever again. Although, I suppose, my mind could easily be swayed if a good writer took on the task of writing Twat Lobo! Until then, good riddance, Twat Lobo!

Sinestro #16

Black Adam has the most reflective leotard in the multiverse.

I feel bad for Cullen Bunn that people told him he isn't very good at writing comic books. Poor guy. I totally get where he's coming from because all it would take is one internet troll to tell me that I'm horrible at what I do to make me quit. But so far everybody loves me. The most common response I get is, "When will you be coming to the Con in [CITY WHERE READER LIVES] so I can give you a [TYPE OF JOB]." Maybe I'll go easy on Cullen Bunn since Sinestro is, at the most extreme, far end of least, the only DC comic book he's writing somewhat competently. I suppose I can give him some warm fuzzies this month rather than heaping scorn and ridicule on him because he was terrible at writing Aquaman. How dare people call him out on that?!

This issue begins with Sinestro discussing the citizens of the capital of Khandaq.

As everybody knows, only fear of punishment from a heavy handed authoritarian figure ever keeps heavily populated metropolises from devolving into violent chaos.

Sinestro is probably visiting Khandaq to get some pointers on fear working with hope from Black Adam. Sinestro won't admit to needing pointers so he'll probably pretend he's just visiting to find out where Black Adam buys his cool black and yellow boots. Sinestro really could take a lesson from Black Adam about making a yellow and black wardrobe work. Black Adam looks cool while Sinestro looks like he should be scrubbing toilets at a five star hotel in Pittsburgh.

Sinestro wants information about The Paling because he's looking to hunt down their leader and scare the life out of him. Apparently The Paling visited Khandaq many centuries ago. If I were Sinestro, I would have asked Lyssa what I learned when I would later visit Black Adam. Then once she told me, I would not go visit Black Adam. Is that possible? Or in that case, would Lyssa tell me she doesn't know because I will never visit Black Adam. Which would mean I'd have to go visit Black Adam. Which would mean Lyssa should have seen what I learned while visiting Black Adam and then I wouldn't have had to go! Stupid Book of Parallax is useless.

Black Adam agrees to show Sinestro the secret histories which recount The Paling's visit and defeat. Of course Lyssa wants to see the histories too because she fears not knowing all the stories. But Sinestro tells her that Twat Lobo's semen might ruin the pages so she'll have to keep her ass back on Warworld. The other Sinestro members also head back to Warworld leaving Sinestro to piss off Black Adam all by himself.

All the records of all the battles of Khandaq are stored in tombs deep in the desert. Black Adam leads Sinestro to the tomb which houses the memories and histories of the time The Paling attacked Earth and Black Adam defeated them.

Sinestro's neck is freaking me out.

The tomb is guarded by living mummies who refuse to obey Black Adam's commands to stand down. So Sinestro and Black Adam have to kill a whole bunch of mummies on their way to the tomb of the Bishop of The Paling whom Black Adam killed thousands of years ago.

So what? You killed all of the others and they weren't already mostly dead.

Sinestro #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Overall, this issue was nicely put together. It feels like a chapter in a comic book that had been leading up to Sinestro coming to Earth after following a trail of clues about The Paling. Of course it didn't follow any of that at all! Instead it was all that Warworld and Twat Lobo bullshit over the last bunch of issues. If I hadn't been following any of Sinestro's New 52 exploits and this were the first issue I picked up on a spinner rack, I'd definitely pick up the next issue based on this. So judging this issue on its own merits, I enjoyed it. Sure, Sinestro lucks into finding The Pale Bishop who he had no reason to believe wasn't in contact with The Paling for the last two or three thousand years because he was in a tomb on Earth. And while it's surprising that The Pale Bishop was a Guardian (even though trying to make the Universe without emotion is a typical dick Guardian move), Sinestro shouldn't act so shocked since he pretty much recently committed genocide against the little blue bastards. What's one more?! But nothing in this wasn't anything I wouldn't expect from even the best comic books. The plot worked. The dialogue was much better than previous issues. The Narration Boxes were limited to the setup and the surprise ending. So warm fuzzies all around. If this book continues to actually tell a story about Sinestro and not about Twat Lobo, I'll be happy not to whinge on about it.

Sinestro #15

What a surprise. They've turned against each other!

Earlier in this series, Sinestro and Twat Lobo had a battle that wasn't really a battle. It was just a test by Sinestro to see if the most dangerous person in the universe was really the most dangerous person in the universe. Sinestro wasn't killed by Twat Lobo so Sinestro concluded everything being said about Twat Lobo was true. I didn't get it either but I think it had something to do with the Stan Lee Hypothesis. That's the one where if two characters of equal strength battle with each other, the battle must end in an unsatisfying tie so that nerds can continue to believe their favorite character is still the strongest which is what they believed when the story began and which is what they would have believed when the story ended even if their character lost, although they'd be pissed off and ready to write a letter. Stan Lee was a genius! Have you ever read the angry letters in comic books printed before the internet existed? My god! I would not have wanted to anger those fans either! Ties all around! No hero ever loses to another hero! They're all equally unable to finish a battle!

I guess the previous Sinestro versus Twat Lobo issue wasn't enough for the fans. They need serious resolution! So it seems they're going to have to fight again. And since Sinestro's name is on the cover of this comic book, he'll probably win (although that didn't stop Aquaman losing to Swamp Thing in Aquaman's comic book. Loser). And since Twat Lobo has regenerative powers, he'll probably be torn to pieces. That would be a satisfying resolution, right?

Since Twat Lobo failed to kill Indigo-1 last issue, he's moved on to an easier target.

Unless Saint Walker's head penis can say "Bueno," I think Saint Walker might be in serious trouble here.

Lucky for Saint Walker, Twat Lobo doesn't want him dead. Maybe all this time, unbeknownst to everybody, Saint Walker actually has the power to strengthen any ring so Sinestro wants him for the Sinestro Corps. Although probably not since it wouldn't make sense for Fear to strengthen Hope in the way that Will gives power to Hope. I guess it will work though because I'm sure some people sometimes say things like, "I hope I scare the shit out of my little sister!" See? Hope and fear working together!

Twat Lobo makes up another piece of The Code to justify what he wants to do once the inhabitants raise up arms against him to protect Saint Walker. The Code says, "Do not spare those who would piss you off even if they are desperate and thirsty." I totally agree, The Code! But Twat Lobo decides not to murder them all even though it would take three seconds since they're all weak and emaciated. Instead, he decides to scare them. And that, after all this time, finally earns him a yellow ring!

Great. Now he's a subordinate of the Void Whisper and Sinestro.

Twat Lobo cuts his finger off because he's The Main Twat! Nobody tells him what to do unless he wants them to tell him what to do because he's working an angle. Plus the Yellow Lantern uniform simply isn't his style.

Twat Lobo takes Saint Walker back to Sinestro. While he's visiting, Twat Lobo threatens Sinestro because Twat Lobo is sick of the yellow rings swarming him wherever he goes. Then he marches off to be propositioned by Lyssa.

Just a second. I have to check the cover. Hmm, it says Sinestro on the cover but it seems more like a Twat Lobo book. Sinestro has appeared for three pages in the first twelve. But I guess it's acceptable since Sinestro is doing the narration. Oh yeah! That's how I know it's not a Twat Lobo book! Because every page isn't filled with Twat Lobo Narration Boxes! In that way, this has become a better Twat Lobo comic than any in his own series! It's just too bad Sinestro is being overshadowed in his own title. Maybe that's why he's going to battle Twat Lobo again. Or it might be because Lyssa is throwing herself at Twat Lobo because who wouldn't? What a sexy, marvelous beast! I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to fuck the most dangerous, murderous, practically insane creature in the universe. Totally worth probably dying for, right? Although I'm sure the yellow rings can make vibrators so why risk it?

While Lyssa blows Twat Lobo in the Gender Neutral Bathroom, Sinestro propositions Saint Walker. Sinestro's Manhunters bring food and water to the populace of Arklu to show Saint Walker that he can put his hope and faith in the Sinestro Corps. He can hang out with them, charging their rings and healing them as they fly around the universe bringing order through fear. Seems like a good deal, right? There's just the small matter of serious and extreme experimentation that will have to be done on Saint Walker and his blue ring. Shouldn't be overly traumatic for a stitched together puppet man.

Sinestro #15 Rating: No change. The face-off on the cover wasn't as exciting as one would have thought. It was more just Twat Lobo making a toothless threat against Sinestro and then stomping out of the room to go fuck Lyssa. If I were Twat Lobo, I think I'd retire or find another job. He just doesn't seem happy with his current situation. At least Real Deal Lobo took joy in everything he did. He was fun to be around. Twat Lobo is a fucking buzzkill always bringing up The Code and how he has to follow The Code. He's always just...oops! This book was supposed to be about Sinestro. I should probably judge it on Sinestro's actions. Although now that Sinestro has Twat Lobo working for him, he doesn't really partake in too many actions. He's become the Grand Moff Tarkin of the Sinestro Corps. Of course he's also the Darth Vader of the Corps, so unless he's into autoerotic asphyxiation, he probably won't be choking himself. Oh! Autoerotic asphyxiation! That's what Saint Walker's head tentacle is for!

Green Lantern #43

The problem with recruiting for an army based on willpower is that everybody has too much willpower to succumb to the recruitment pitch.

The Black Hand is currently having trouble recruiting for his own army, The Black Lanterns. The problem is he needs to touch a corpse to make it rise and fight for him but he currently has hands made out of Source Wall. That means everything he touches turns to Source Wall. It's like the story of how Jesus couldn't have sex because he'd turned his cock and balls into loaves and fishes.

I thought last issue was going to be an episode of The Twilight Zone and it turns out it was except the ending of the episode was the beginning of this issue! We learn that The Black Hand is super duper lonely and has been driven mad (I mean madder!) by his new power to turn everything into Source Wall. So the lesson we've learned once again from an episode of The Twilight Zone is to never go into space because you'll wind up lonely and being lonely is the worst thing in the world. Although if Rod Serling were still writing Twilight Zone episodes at the end of his life, I think more episodes would have been about heart disease being the worst thing in the world. Unless the worst thing in the world is incompetent surgeons performing heart surgery!

That was unfair to the surgeons who killed Rod Serling. It wasn't their fault Rod Serling clogged his arteries so that they had to open him up and perform heart surgery on him! And it's not their fault...probably...that he had a heart attack during surgery! It's also not their fault that Rod needed heart surgery before technology made the operation less risky! So I apologize to the surgeons who killed Rod Serling. I mean, the surgeons who stood around not saving Rod Serling's life while he had a heart attack during surgery. I mean, the poor doctors who did their best but couldn't save Rod Serling who probably smoked his heart into a shitty lump of hardened muscle.

Anyway, did I mention The Black Hand has decided to go back to Earth? That will be a problem!

Last issue, Billy Tan drew a rather boring double splash page and I really felt bad even mentioning it because I generally really like Billy Tan's work. But at least now I can say that Billy Tan's double splash page is forgotten due to Ethan Van Sciver's boring ass double splash page!

After seeing this, I really should apologize to Finch and Daniel. At least their double splash pages are well-drawn and aren't generally the back of the character with stupid fucking tools floating around and a Goddamned screensaver for a backdrop.

Hal puts his hand on The Little Prince's shoulder and says, "I realize you just lost everybody on your world but look at that view! Amazing, isn't it?! How can you not appreciate the beauty and splendor of this mysterious universe!" The Little Prince is refined enough to keep his stupid tears to himself.

Hal has brought his new gang to the Source Wall so he can have a chat with Relic. He leaves Krona's Gauntlet on board Darlene and leaves in a space suit he prepared for this encounter. He doesn't want to be recognized by Relic because Relic doesn't really appreciate Lanterns. The meeting calls for another double splash page which sparks a theory in my brain! I bet Robert Venditti was quite a few months ahead in his scripts for Green Lantern when DC Comics told him they would be increasing the page count by two! So he probably just instructed the artists to fill up the extra pages by enlarging smaller panels from his script! Previous to last month, I don't remember any of Venditti's Green Lantern books having double page spreads. But then, I probably shouldn't trust my own memory because it is awful.

Also what comes with great age is greater and greater belief in your bigotries and your biases.

Relic tells Hal about that time The Black Hand touched the Source Wall and freed a bunch of creatures fused to it (himself included, I think. Remember that thing about my memory?!). Relic also mentions that The Black Hand flew off with stone hands. While Hal is interrogating Relic, The Little Prince decides to put on Krona's Gauntlet. Just to see if it fits, you know? When he does, it flares to life and Relic notices the green spectrum energy. That pisses him off and the whole encounter turns to shit.

Trapper has freed himself from his manacles and proves himself to be helpful in the ensuing chaos. I guess he respects his position as The Little Prince's butler. He understands doing the time if you can't commit the crime in a way in which you don't get caught. Darlene the ship tries to convince Hal to let her make her own decisions instead of having to follow the commands of a captain as she reboots her system. Hal treats her like a whiny girlfriend and Trapper mentions to The Little Prince that Darlene's attitude is why he never got married. I suppose if Darlene wanted respect among these assholes, she should have been programmed with a manly voice and given a name like "Nick" or "Tony."

Darlene manages to reboot and she hyper-jumps everybody to safety while Relic broods. I suppose Hal realizes exactly where Black Hand will eventually wind up. Time to go back to Earth!

I guess these gray agents are going to be some kind of trouble as well. I wish Venditti had made them Darkstars!

Green Lantern #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm liking Hal Jordan a lot more now that he's dumped those anchors from the Green Lantern Corps. Overall, I like Venditti's style. He has characters who reveal the plot and characterization through actually speaking with each other in a realistic manner. This book isn't 65% Hal Jordan Narration Boxes! Hell, it isn't even 1%! I like comic books that don't rely on a constant inner monologue to tell the reader what the main character is like. That's one of the biases that I've been cultivating into old age!