Constantine the Hellblazer #13

Is Constantine bisexual because everybody he meets gets fucked?

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue is called "Worthless" which is a good start toward my prediction that Constantine's plan to rid New York of Neron was to make New York worthless to him.

• Constantine and some of his Justice League Dark pals who he's steal on speaking terms do some magical tweaking of the very nature of New York. Apparently that's something magicians aren't supposed to mess with but since it's never been mentioned until this story, it's really easy for Constantine to break that rule. He breaks them all anyway, right? But how much easier to break a rule that was just made up to be broken! So easy!

He won because the writers are on his side, dummy.

• Constantine has turned New York into the most boring city on the face of the earth, full of boring bores whose souls are worthless. So it's Portland now?

• I wonder if Portland, Maine, has a couple dozen confused hipsters living there?

• Lady Alexandriel of Faerie proves she's a top one percenter by offering to buy out Neron in his time of desperation. She smells somebody about to lose it all and she offers him next to nothing for everything he has. I bet a lot of this is going to be going on in Britain in the next few years. Does Britain get to declare itself its own continent now? Did leaving the European Union cause it to leave Europe completely?! That'd be awesome. Maybe they can call their new continent Pluto.

• In return for helping make New York a part of Faerie, Constantine gets Oliver's daughters' souls back. And New York is...well, probably not a whole lot different. Maybe there will now be a few more musicals?

• Constantine learns a lesson that most people never learn: communicate! Make sure the people close to you know what you're doing so they don't call the police when you keep on taking dozens of kittens into the basement. You don't want to find out the hard way that your Kitten Cuddle Room has branded you as a serial killer. So instead of letting Oliver know that he had a plan to save Oliver's girls, Constantine just rushed off to do it after telling Oliver he failed. So Oliver went out and made a deal with a devil to get his girls back on his own. That devil was Blythe, who really dislikes Constantine right now.

• So once more, Constantine loses somebody he loves because that's just the way Constantine's life is. I would like to say it's a curse and it's through no fault of his own but that would make the character far less interesting, wouldn't it? No, John knew when he approached Oliver that Oliver was probably going to end in a bad way. And even though John thinks he cares, he knows he didn't care enough to simply stay away. He tried to leave Oliver but, of course, that was after it was way too late. And it's not like Constantine didn't already know that it was going to be way too late the moment he introduced himself to Oliver.

• I'm excited for the next chapter in Constantine's life! I love seeing innocent people damned to hell for being too sociable to the wrong people! Serves them right!

Constantine the Hellblazer #12

I think I've drunk this drink before.

The Review or Whatever!
Rebirth is here and I'm still slowly wandering out of the old universe looking at all the dead flowers. That's a metaphor. Metaphors are good because they add a layer of emotional feeling to the action which people might not automatically perceive. This metaphor points out how reading Prebirth comics already feels like I'm reading stories from a dead universe full of a weird, rotting, perfumed smell. Metaphors are not analogies. Analogies are bad. Oh, sure, sometimes they're entertaining. But usually the reasoning behind an analogy is that the real situation is too complicated to expect everybody to feel the same way about it, the way life always is. But if you can come up with an analogy that's slightly reminiscent of the original situation but viewed through a telescope while on Valium then you can convince anybody of anything! So if you have a situation like abortion which is really complicated in a lot of ways and even if you're on the correct side which is pro-it's-not-your-life-so-butt-the-fuck-out you should still be able to see how people can be on the other side which is pro-I'm-going-to-force-you-to-live-by-my-beliefs. But it's much easier to pretend it's analogous to kicking puppies so you can end your argument saying something like, "And who would kick a puppy? Only a monster because there's never any reason to kick a puppy!" I know, I know! It's a poor analogy (like they all are) because even now I can think of a whole bunch of reasons I'd kick a puppy. I hope you get my point because I'm tired of this train of thought and am ready to move on.

Here's a thing I hate about writing to the masses on the Internet. You often feel like you need to over-explain every single thing you write because people are waiting to ambush you for any particular thing they can easily and purposefully misunderstand to turn your words against you. But I'm not writing to those idiots and assholes. I'm writing to intelligent people who can understand what I'm saying quickly and efficiently. I would high-five those people but high-fiving is like genocide.

Last issue began with Constantine moaning about people who try to compare New York and Los Angeles being jerks and missing the point or something. I don't really remember because that was a whole universe ago. But I got the feeling he thought they should all shut up because it annoyed me that he then went on to bash Los Angeles. Well, now he begins this issue raving about New York. So I think maybe he's one of those people. Or maybe he meant those people were missing the point because Los Angeles and New York are incomparable in the way that cats and dogs are incomparable. One is obviously so much better than the other because the other is a worthless, needy, drooling dog.

It's interesting that if you hold an opinion so strongly, you can really upset somebody else whose opinion differs. I suppose a person's reaction to me saying cats are way better than dogs depends on how a person defines themselves. If they believe the sum of who they are is based solely on the opinions they espouse, they think I'm insulting them personally. Their self-esteem probably factors in as well since somebody with a healthy self-esteem who likes dogs would just snort, know I'm wrong, and continue reading. I don't think of my ultimate self, my ego, as being composed of the things I like or the clothes I wear or my opinions on mundane bullshit. I picture the essence of who I am is how charming I am at parties.

New York has currently been taken over by Neron and turned into the Club Med of Hell. John doesn't care about that. That's not why he's suddenly getting involved. The reason he finds himself ensconced (enmeshed? Entangled? Embroiled? Imbrogliod? Embroiled in an imbroglio?) in this ordeal is because John's current lover's children have been sent to Hell by Neron. So John meets with Neron to clear up the situation using honest talk and rational logic.

That's exactly how Constantine wants his opponents to view him! Nobody worries about a tiny speck on a wall! Although sometimes that tiny speck (especially if it's partnered with an eerie weird buzzing sound) becomes a hole through which the wasps living in the walls emerge! Um, true story!

Constantine discovers that all of the people he fucked over while in Hell have joined with Neron to make Constantine's life miserable. He broke a deal with Blythe so Blythe is now able to force Constantine to follow one command of hers. It's in the Hell's Rules By-laws. You'd think Hell wouldn't have any rules. Especially when Constantine began this story saying how New York had no rules. I think that's a clue as to how Constantine is going to beat Neron. Neron is from a place where rules matter and Constantine is from a place (okay, fine. Currently been living in a place since he's actually from Liverpool or Northampton or Newcastle or something) where they don't. That's kind of Constantine's thing, anyway. To think outside the unspoken rules of any conflict.

Constantine breaks the news to Oliver that his kids are going to have to remain in Hell and Oliver gets upset for some reason. John said he tried to save them! But Oliver doesn't care and finally walks out of John's life. And John goes off to live his life like he always does after ruining the life of somebody close to him: he goes out to get laid. While chatting up a bird, he has his House, M.D., epiphany and realizes how he can beat Neron without breaking Blythe's command to stay out of it.

Back at Neron's pad, Papa Midnite continues to worry the Constantine Factor in his mental jaws.

Constantine's greatest weapon is being off the board!

Zatanna, Deadman, and Swamp Thing have started their own little Magic Club and are working on the problem of ousting Neron from New York. But this isn't their comic book so they have no idea what to do. They'll just have to wait until Constantine arrives with the plan. They don't have to wait long for him to arrive because there are only a couple of pages left this month. But they will have to wait another month to hear that plan. I suppose the plan is somehow going to make New York City valueless to Neron so that he leaves of his own volition. I can't guess the specifics though because it's magic and I'm not a magician. So one more Prebirth Issue of Constantine, I guess!

Constantine the Hellblazer #11

This is exactly the type of hedonistic deviltries I expect people in Hollywood to get up to.

The Review!
This version of Constantine has managed to retain the spirit of the character unlike the previous sanitized New 52 version which was just John getting into trouble with magic or demons and then John casting a dangerous spell with dire consequences to save the day and then never really having to deal with the dire consequences. It might not feel quite as gritty and dark as the Vertigo version but it's close enough that I'm really enjoying it. And besides, the main constant in Constantine's life is that every few years, he gets a new creative team to tell his stories. And this is a new team with an interesting take and conflicts that need more imaginative sorting than the ones found in the previous version.

The Commentary
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?" Some people may have been overwhelmed by the loving gesture but I instantly saw it as a moneymaking opportunity! I said, "Sure I can. If you pay me!" She said she had no money so I asked her how much her mother had. Long story short, my niece owes me a quarter next time I see her.

Here she is doing a better Lobo impression than Twat Lobo from The New 52.

Another thing that happened is people on Tumblr began reblogging my favorite X-men story joke but not understanding it was a joke because it was such a spot on parody of the mess the X-men have become thanks to decades of loony time travel stories. This is what I said: "Favorite X-men story: the X-men time travel from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling." It turns out this must fairly accurately describe some New X-Men story arc that I've never read because people keep tagging it with New X-men notes and defending Hank McCoy's decision to...I don't know! Fuck up continuity?! Other people have reblogged it thinking it really is an example of somebody's favorite story arc because they agree with it and think it's awesome. I am left with the conclusion that people are far too earnest than they probably think they are. My story idea is obviously nonsense! Although if it's an accurate representation of a story that happened in the X-men universe then fuck the X-men universe because that shit is shit. Which it must be because somebody replied to my joke with this: "In the end, retconning the story and making it seem like nothing happened." I shouldn't be so surprised that I can make such an educated guess as to the stories of the X-men even though I haven't read one since Grant Morrison and Josh Whedon were writing for the series because I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

To be fair, it's not like I can check all of the tags people add to every reblog. I should be earnest enough to believe that everybody gets it's a joke and stop being overly cynical about every single fucking thing that ever happens in this universe. I also should have made my niece sign an IOU.

To be more fair, one person tagged the post "No Joke". No, actually it was a joke. It was a fucking joke! It isn't actually my favorite story nor did I realize such a story seems to actually exist! I can't tell what is real anymore!

Anyway, Constantine is currently in L.A. instead of New York so that he can bitch about how people like to point out the differences between the two places. He says people who compare the two are missing the point and then begins shitting all over Los Angeles because he thinks they think they're better than everybody else. Which is probably true. But it isn't any less true about New Yorkers, so why even bring it up?

This guy's night just got interesting!

The party is being hosted by the angel Gabriel. Get it? Because it's the city of angels! Is that the real difference between New York and Los Angeles? One is full of demons and the damned and the other is full of angels and shit?

Gabriel is the guardian angel of Hollywood making sure that the entertainment industry doesn't get taken over by all those filthy demons from New York. That sounds like it could be an anti-Semitic allegory! Although if it is, it doesn't make any sense because the Jews already own Hollywood which would mean Gabriel totally fucked up his job.

Constantine has come to Gabriel for help against Neron. Oh yeah! I forgot that there was an actual story lurking in the shadows here. Constantine's argument for Gabriel's help is that if New York is taken over by Neron, all of the seedy magicians and their annoying familiars are going to flood into Los Angeles. I happen to think a good amount of them would wind up in Portland because why not? Every other loser who believes they have an ounce of creativity has found their way here.

It's possible I just insulted myself in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Ugh! No! I just said...NO, DAMMIT! ENOUGH!

Gabriel says he won't help so Constantine decides to just fuck off. Let somebody else deal with it. He's just going to go get drunk. The problem with that is Constantine can never just fuck off. Something always pulls him back in. And this time, it'll probably be Oliver. Or drugs. Maybe some hot sex. Alcohol? Could wind up being anything, really.

I forgot Deadman was on the cover so it surprises me when Boston Brand becomes the thing trying to pull Constantine back to New York. Although John swears he's still working with the angels even though Gabriel politely declined to help. He probably put something in the smoke he kept breathing into Gabriel's face that will cause Gabriel some kind of mystic discomfort which only John can cure and he'll only cure it if Gabriel helps. That sounds like a Constantine plan.

Eventually, Deadman just possesses John and drags him back to New York against his will. On the flight, John manages to banish Deadman but since John's stuck in New York overnight now, he decides to head home to his own bed. That's where he discovers Oliver who explains that his daughters have been taken to Hell. Whoops!

Constantine the Hellblazer #7

Worst picnic ever. Which is pretty bad because picnics are shit.

Do Millennials know what picnics are? Are they even allowed to go outside? Do they want to?! I mean, obviously they want to get outside of their parent's supervision which means going out of their parent's house. But that's just to get inside somewhere else, right? Outside is boring and gross and probably Islamophobic. Not that I ever really wanted to go outside much in the eighties once I got my Apple IIe computer. But I sort of had to go outside to hang out with my friends because we weren't tethered by a mass of devices which provided instant communication with each other. We had to drag our asses somewhere else to speak face to face. It was awful! Although all the girls I had crushes on were friends of my female cousin so I always wanted to be at my aunt and uncle's house anyway. And all the biking I did riding BMX bikes up from the valley to the top of the Santa Cruz Mountains and, occasionally over the other side into Santa Cruz, I didn't really want to do! I mean, it made me fit and gave me a body that women wanted to have sex with, so that was a good thing. And it allowed me to spend time with my friends who loved the torturous ride up the mountain. And I did love the ride down the mountain even if it almost cost me my life on a couple of occasions! But all that exercise and outdoor air and weather and sun and crap?! I'd rather have been home playing an Infocom game or the new Wizardry!

This issue is called "Twisted Anatomy" which is probably some kind of sly wink at the time Swamp Thing became a character worth reading. I'm not going to argue with anybody who thought Swamp Thing was a good comic book before Alan Moore's "Anatomy Lesson" because you're wrong and I don't want to waste my time. Just suck up the loss this time and shake my hand and congratulate me on winning this debate and we'll get back to Constantine.

A couple of sexers are torn apart in a park by a bunch of evil dryads. "Sexers" is my word for "sexters" but who don't use a phone. Doing it in person--instead of masturbating while taking pictures of yourself and accidentally sending them to everybody in your phone book--is totally going to become super popular some day.

Constantine has just had some sexing too! But he didn't get torn apart by dryads.

John really is distracted if he thought any message he was receiving would have been appropriate to play in front of his lover.

I wish Ming and James would have John use his lover's name so I can speak about him like he's a real person and not just one of Constantine's accessories! I mean, Scott Lobdell would have rewritten the entire last issue in the first four pages of the next month's comic book. Not that I'm asking for that! I'm asking for something between not mentioning a fairly new character's name at least once and wasting four pages repeating shit that wasn't interesting the first time I read it. Like how about this for a compromise? Mention the guy's name one time!

Anyway, John's fucktoy discovers that Constantine's bathtub is clogged with Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing has a problem with the Green. That was an obvious statement, wasn't it? It's not like he'd come around for tea or some Netflix, right? So he tells John about some trees in Central Park that have been eating lovers.

Well, maybe not people. But some plants do eat meat, so what's the problem?!

Swamp Thing says some things that I could summarize really quickly but I'm going to draw out at length so that I have a bit of a word buffer before I insert another scanned panel that's just too adorable and vulgar for words and crotches. Central Park in New York City (not to be confused with Central Perk in Fake TV-Land New York City) has become closed to his Swamp-Thing-Sense. He needs Constantine to become Johnny Swampthingseed and spread Swamp Things jism all over the park so he can once again take control of it. That's probably enough words now.

These two are so cute together.

Constantine takes a bundle of little Swamp Things into the park to let them run wild and plant themselves everywhere to allow Swamp Thing to enter Central Park. The little Swamp Things are as cute as ever. They'll probably all be killed.

Constantine mentions the kid fiddling with the helmet of Fate which is a strange thing to mention when everybody in New York seems unworried about the flooding that's ending the world. Maybe this takes place after the first story arc of Doctor Fate ends which--extrapolating based on how long it feels it's run so far--forever and ever.

Constantine scares away some women about to have sex which is really disappointing. But I guess he needed their sexy mojo and then his urine to summon up the Dryads.

Ugh! I hated having to babysit newbies on their first trip!

The Dryads are just raving toddlers so Swamp Thing brings back the Mother of All Dryads to teach them to be peaceful. And just like that, the sexy tree adventure is over. It's really just another piece of evidence that John's New York is going full Ghostbusters.

After the adventure, Swamp Thing gives John some love advice. His advice is not to.

Constantine heads home thinking about the danger he's putting Oliver in. Oliver! That's what I though his name was but then I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of feeling secure about my guess because I assumed I was only thinking of Oliver because of John Oliver. Stupid brain is smarter than I realized.

John gets home and calls Oliver to break up. But Papa Midnite answers the phone because Oliver is naked and ready to be sacrificed with mystic symbols all over his chest and--oh yeah!--tied up at the moment. I knew there was a cliche in there somewhere!

Constantine the Hellblazer #7 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to wish death on poor old Oliver but we can't be playing now, can we? John gets all of his friends killed eventually so why should Oliver be any different? Okay, sure! I'll give you that he doesn't need to be killed immediately! He can survive this thing with Papa Midnite and then tell John that he's willing to risk a relationship with him and maybe even help him on some ghost hunts. He'll be all super into it and it'll make his dick as hard as rock and he and John will end every magical adventure filling each other up with come! But he'd eventually better fucking die, goddammit!

Bombshells #6

Wink, wink!

I'm home tonight instead of driving around making my business thrive because the roads in Portland are currently sheets of ice. Therefore I've decided to work on my second business which is writing unhelpful comic book reviews! And which of my reviews are more unhelpful than my reviews of DC Comics Bombshells?! Practically none of them because in the other ones, I don't spend the majority of the time hoping women will kiss. I mean, I spend my time reading the comic book thinking that, obviously! But I don't write about it as much as I write about it while reading Bombshells!

I have a theory! The main reason guys like lesbian pornography is because we think men are just as disgusting as women think we are! Who wants to watch a man be sexy? It's gross! I can watch a man chop down a tree or swing a golf club or light a cigar and suck the shit out of it but I don't want to see him kissing a woman passionately. When I see that, I just think, "Poor woman!" Actually, men doing things that aren't sex is when men look most sexy. Some people think men in porn are skanky looking dudes but they're not! I bet they look super sexy trying on a tuxedo! It's just that filming a man's bone face while he stares at the woman desperate for a taste of his cock is like farting in the Louvre. I'd explain that analogy further but then why bother using it at all?!

My theory is probably wrong. But I plan on doing experiments to test it! Does Craigslist have a Science Section?

This issue begins with Mera destroying a German sub with a zombie crew. She conscripts a few whales into service on the side of the Allies which seems a bit presumptuous. How does she know they're not in favor of whatever Germany was in favor of. I think it had something to do with a worldwide eugenics program. It might also have had something to do with real estate and paranormal artifacts.

After Mera gets done flirting with the seamen, she meets Starikov and Stargirlikov.

I don't remember why I chose to scan these panels. Mera looked sexier in some earlier panels!

After battling for the requisite number of pages, the women stop and chat. They discover that they're all on the same side and choose to work together to save the world with copious breaks for kissing.

The next story features Batwoman and Catwoman so it will be the sexiest of all three stories. Unless the last story is a Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy romp!

While out blowing up tanks, Batwoman discovers a hideout for swing kids. Those are kids who swing. It's right there in their name. And one of those swing kids is The Huntress. And some of the swing kids are zombies! No wait. The zombies are of the undead German soldier variant so I guess they hate swing music. Batwoman watches The Huntress take a few out with her crossbow guitar and decides she wants to adopt her.

After the war stories are over, will this just morph into a Bombshells Birds of Prey book?

Catwoman and Lex Luthor pull up as Helena mentions she's the leader of the German Youth Resistance. Helena hides in Catwoman's trunk as Batwoman gets in to go have dessert with Lex and Selina. What kind of fancy French dessert is a ménage à trois? It sounds delicious!

Then there's a panel where Batwoman is simply saying "...eee." which means it's totally going to become an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header!

On the way to dessert, Lex shows Batwoman his new toy: kryptonite! I guess that will stop...let's see...doing the math...one of the Bombshells so far! Utterly useless, Lex! That should be Lex's new nickname: Uselex.

There is no third story. There is just a bunch of epilogues to the stories that have been taking place. Supergirl and Stargirl join the Bombshells and change their uniforms so they aren't quite as Soviet looking. Kate Kane misses out on dessert (or is coming back from it, seeing that she's in a new dress) because Brother Night tries to kidnap her. Wonder Woman breaks out of prison and goes on the lamb with Steve Trevor. Harley and Ivy continue their road trip to Germany while creating more Nazi zombies.

And Zatanna flirts with Bunny Constantine.

The Zatanna and Bunny Constantine gets a longer epilogue than the others because it's both sexy and too adorable for words. Especially this panel:

Now I want a bunny so I can teach it to smoke.

DC Comic Bombshells #6 Rating: No change. Overall, the art this issue didn't do much for me. Except for some of the bunny shots of Constantine and Zatanna wishing for Milan. I hated the relationship between Zatanna and Constantine in Justice League Dark but I could get behind this one. Their "will they/won't they" chemistry really works. Unless it only works because I can't stop cooing over the widdle bunny. I'm also cooing over Zatanna's cleavage but in a very different manner. I don't know why so many Bombshells comics have been coming out but I can only assume it's because they had a backlog of them from when it ran digitally and DC has been catching up on all of their late comics in December. It's probably for tax reasons. Isn't everything for tax reasons?

Bombshells #5

"We can do it" is my second favorite phrase uttered by a woman. My first is "I also brought pizza for during!"

Marguerite Sauvage's name is not on the cover of this comic book again which is devastating to my future boner. That wasn't meant to make Marguerite Sauvage uncomfortable! That was to make Bombshell Batwoman and probably anybody reading this uncomfortable! Might I politely ask that if you're a really visual reader whose mind cannot help producing images of everything you read, please be generous with your mind picture of my erection. My fake self-esteem will appreciate it.

The first story in this issue is a Batwoman story and now I'm completely depressed. I simply assumed that Marguerite Sauvage would be doing the art for every chapter in the Batwoman story. Now I have to look at art that might be just fine and perhaps amazing for most people but does nothing for the limpness in my pants. It's too bad, really. When I pick up a comic book called "Bombshells" with a beautiful woman on the cover, I expect a comic book full of the Boob-Butt Showcase and tiny bikinis and undulating things which undulate! And while this may be that along with a message that I'm totally ignoring because it's against my own best interests to make misogynist jokes (no matter how funny I could probably make them!), I'm more than slightly disappointed that it isn't also drawn by Marguerite Sauvage.

I don't know how you pronounce her last name but she surely was called "Miss Sausage" in elementary school on a weekly basis, right? I should know since I had a last name that, while not horrible, was constantly used in sorry and often unoriginal attempts at humor. But my last name is a secret (it is not "Tess Asecret") because this is the internet age and if you really want to figure out who I am, it really wouldn't be that fucking hard. Besides, all you really have to do is send me a message saying, "Hey Tess! I want to send you a gift! What is your address?!" Then I'll be all, "Oh yeah! Awesome! Here's where you can find me if you want to murder me in my sleep! Ha ha!"

Batwoman is currently in Berlin to probably kill Hitler? So am I supposed to assume that the story where she and Italian Catwoman fucked for seventy-two hours straight never happened anywhere except in my Fan Fucktion Diary?

Oh boy! The sex is still going to take place! Naturally I assumed it would take place in Italy because Selina's last name is gibberish pronounced with just the right hint of garlic.

Some people might accidentally think that the above caption was rude and prejudiced. But here's a quick lesson in self-deprecating irreverence. The caption is actually poking fun at me being an American who can only speak English and understands all members of other nations through only one or two stereotypes. So I, as an American, really can't pronounce Selina's last name the way it should be pronounced and I, as an American, really think all Italians have an irrational fear of being attacked by vampires.

Selina's last name is DiGatti which--being a self-certified expert in all languages--I can translate as "Woman who loves petting cats if you know what I mean." Alexander Luthor (some might call him "Alex" or "Xander") owns a self-driving car which the two take to the sex party to meet Selina's nether regions.

Selina wastes no time getting to the sex talk and how she likes her "cats" coiffed. She's a modern woman!

Selina leads Batwoman into the backroom where things get super sexy if you're into resurrection rituals. The demon-infused Joker's Daughter demonstrates that she has the power to animate dead soldiers. It's part of some plan to do something which will lead to other things. It doesn't really make much sense to me but then my mind might already be off playing video games. I guess it's some kind of attempt to help the Nazis win the war quickly so that the rich and powerful can keep their money or something? Maybe it's just supposed to be cool because undead soldiers! Neat!

Meanwhile in the second story, Hal Jordan's fighter plane gets shot out of the sky. Luckily he's not in it because Harley Quinn stole it so she could fly around and sing Christmas carols. I would also try to explain this scene but I can't. Not because my mind is drifting off and thinking about killing noobs (are people who play Call of Duty who are garbage still thought of as noobs? (Are their skills still described as garbage?! (Obviously I need to learn to taunt other players better))) but because Harley Quinn is insane. When the plane blows up, she rides a bomb down to her death. When it doesn't explode and, I guess, lands softly in a greenhouse, every reader puts a hand down their pants because they know what a greenhouse means: it's another potential lesbian sex fiesta!

I'm about ninety percent certain that Poison Ivy is saying, "Would you like to experience the taste of my inner thigh?"

Poison Ivy should think about a different outfit that shows more nipple. Wasn't that ever all the rage in France? It sounds like the kind of clothing that would force me to hear somebody say haute couture.

Poison Ivy tells Harley Quinn all about how she loves to kill Germans and bury them under the greenhouse. It's the kind of speech you usually only tell people you've known since childhood or you're about to kill. Sometimes both. It's possible you'd also reveal secrets like that to the lesbian you're about to lesbian fuck in a double page spread, cross my fingers!

Since Germany has just defeated France, some Nazis come to the door. Harley kills most of them while Poison Ivy gets the getaway truck ready so they can head deep into enemy territory looking for Harley's boyfriend. What they leave behind are a bunch of Nazis raised by Poison Ivy's perfumes and tinctures.

Nazi zombies! Now I really am distracted by thoughts of playing Call of Duty!

The final story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov which is great because it's the story I care least about! All of the other Bombshells are working their way to Berlin where they'll meet up and defeat the Nazis by working together and then proclaiming the war over and celebrating with drinks and German jokes which will become constant reminders to the German people that they allowed this to fucking happen and they should pay for it forever until the end of time, generation upon generation! If you're German in 2015 and you don't feel the appropriate level of embarrassment for your part in what Hitler did, then you're probably a lot like white Americans who don't know anything about history but can tell you the exact number of years since slavery was outlawed. But Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov? They're going to wind up in Berlin helping the allies and then after it's all said and done, they'll be all, "What is our reward, comrades? How about everything east of where I am standing? Good for you? Because we could probably continue warring if you want to say something other than no?"

Okay, maybe Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov won't say that! But unless they defeat General Arkayn, he'll say all of that! Unless this comic book follows history how it actually happened without superheroes and then Russia will wind up owning lots of countries no matter what anybody does. Because let's face it. Everybody was tired of war at that point and Russia was all, "We could go few more rounds."

Starikov and Stargirlikov have refused to follow the orders of Arkayn and now they must rush back home to keep Arkayn from murdering their parents. They return to find soldiers ready to kill their parents if they do not surrender to be used as medical experiments. They have no choice! They cannot stop all of the soldiers from shooting their parents. I guess General Anton Arkayn has won because who could possibly stop this madman?!

Oh yeah! Although shouldn't Swamp Thing have boobs and maybe a pair of knee high heeled boots to make his ass pop?

Kara and Kortni carry their parents away but are attacked by the Night Witches. During the scuffle, their father is captured and tells the girls to take their mother and run. I mean fly! It was important that he said "fly" because they loved to fly and because they are not The Flash who never misses a chance to say something about running.

DC Comics Bombshells #5 Rating: No change. Another month (hell, it's actually only been two weeks, I think?!) where the stories weren't quite up to the quality I was expecting after the first few issues. That doesn't mean it wasn't good! It just means I didn't increase its ranking on the chart! The dialogue in the Stargirl and Supergirl story was top notch and I enjoyed the interaction between Harley and Ivy although it could have been a bit more adult and included a few more happy endings. But the parts I was disappointed in have my expectations to blame! When I pick up a Bombshells comic book, I'm expecting lots and lots of cheesecake pinup shots! Um, surrounded by empowering and feminist dialogue, of course! That part is even more important. Although wouldn't things be more empowering if there were more tongues exploring more orifices? Maybe DC Comics should think about publishing a companion comic book to this one that's printed without dialogue and in which the clothing has been removed from the female characters. It can be called DC Comics Male Gaze (Not To Be Confused With Pretty Much All Of Our Other Comics With Female Leads Especially When Drawn by Tony S. Daniel or David Finch)!

Constantine the Hellblazer #6

Homophobic zombies are the worst.

I feel like "homophobic zombies" is a redundant phrase. Before the theme of zombie movies became the less than subtle "humans are the most dangerous monsters," wasn't the theme usually something along the lines of the loss of critical thought multiplied by apathy and increased by the power of selfish desires turns people into unthinking creatures driven by consumerism, prejudice, and fear? Wait. Are we currently living in a zombie apocalypse?! That's too bad because I don't own a shotgun. My only weapon is this blog and that's just fucking pathetic. And now I'm asking people to pay for it! Christ, who do I think I am? Christ? Although for just one dollar per month, you can enjoy being blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words on a daily basis! You know what? It's probably a good thing I don't own a shotgun.

Has anybody tried defeating zombies with Pop Rocks? I don't know how it would work but I think I've grabbed hold of the tail of some fantastic scheme!

This story has nothing to do with Pop Rocks but you'll realize why I thought of it after I tell it. One time, I was on LSD while at the Great America amusement park in Santa Clara, California. My friend Mike and I were walking up to stand in line for The Demon (standing in line for a roller coaster while on LSD is like a sine wave ranging from overwhelming hilarity to soul-crushing paranoia). A small boy was standing around the front of the roller coaster where you enter. As I passed him, he looked up at me, held out a long sparkling plastic package and said, "Want some Fizz?" My eyes grew huge, I held out both hands as if I were pleading for alms, and said, "Yes. Please." Fizz, if you've never had it, is a hard candy with a center that fizzles like burning gunpowder when it hits your tongue. Except it isn't painful like I imagine a mouthful of burning gunpowder would be. If I were of a religious bent, I would claim that boy was a small miracle sent from heaven to provide me with an experience I didn't know I needed while tripping balls. I would probably also be really fucking annoying and use the word "blessed" way too fucking often. I would also need to look up the definition of the word "miracle" and stop using it in cases that most obviously aren't. I'm glad I'm not of a religious bent!

Constantine isn't religious either although I think maybe he should be. He does deal with demons and angels a bit too much for him to logically be anything but a believer. He might be a self-hating agnostic though.

The issue begins with Constantine dealing with a health and safety violation in his apartment building.

I feel like this would be less annoying than a tenant living with a dog.

The little girl turns out to be Walter, an ex-Arch-Duke of Hell. He figured Constantine would help more quickly if it were a little girl in trouble. Walter has been spending his time on Earth rescuing cats and getting them set up in nice apartments with subservient ape roommates. Constantine compliments Walter by calling him the most boring demon he's ever met.

Since I don't have anything horribly nasty to say about this comic book after the first four pages, I'll tear into Scott Lobdell for a second. If this were a Lobdell comic book, the first four pages would have been spent reminding everybody who the characters were and repeating the last four pages of the previous comic book (although sometimes changing things because he had a new idea in the interim between writing his scripts). I get that "every issue is somebody's first issue" but he takes it to the extreme. I suppose if I wrote comic books as poorly as Scott Lobdell does, I'd expect the only people reading each subsequent issue would be new readers because who the fuck would read a second issue after wading through the crap tsunami of my horrible story? Oh, um, the reason I brought up Lobdell is because the first four pages of this comic book are more entertaining than the entire run of Doomed. Oh, sure, I've seen some people praise that comic book. But those "people" are only defined as "people" by the narrowest of margins.

Now see what I mean about being "blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words"? Any of you morons who enjoy Lobdell's writing are now suffering from my word flak.

I may be a plebe for watching shitty television shows but at least I've never damned anybody's soul to Hell! I don't think.

After John gets his fill of sitting around his house naked and causing me to think about how I will never again sit upon somebody else's furniture, he checks his Craigslist...I mean, "Kregslist" ad to find sixty four people seem to be in need of an exorcist. When Constantine mentioned he was going to pay his rent legitimately, I thought he meant he was going to go work as a line cook for a bit. I'm not sure an advertisement on "Kregslist" to do exorcisms counts as real work. Okay, maybe it does count in the comic book world and/or Portland, Oregon, but normally I'd just assume it was a scam.

Constantine accepts a job to exorcise some demon named Gordred out of a young boy. I'm sure just using the phrase "young boy" causes all of the latent pedophiles to giggle uncontrollably after which they rush off to troll women on the internet because they view all women as protective mothers which threatens their ability to destroy youthful innocence. In other words, misogynist trolls are all pedophiles. Quid pro exacto quorum.

I should probably learn the actual Latin used as the punctuation for an argument proven demonstrably instead of just making things up. Maybe it's "sum emptor caveat"?

I hope I didn't accidentally send anybody's soul to hell after writing out all that Latin! I'm pretty sure spells only work if the caster spouts a bunch of Latin.

Constantine solves the first exorcism of sixty-four because he knows the demon inhabiting the kid. They go out for a drink and then he moves on to some other cases.

No! Keep it as a pet! Constantine, you need a raccoon pet! I need you to need a raccoon pet, you tosser!

Constantine brings a raver down off of demonic molly, clears out a Karaoke joint of unwanted dragons, finds a family whose faces were stolen, fixes Nightvale's Dog Park, and repairs a washing machine before finally winding up in Central Park to find out some important information from a gargoyle named Bartleby. I think they meet at the fountain where Death took that kid playing soccer that one time.

Bartleby points out that Constantine is going to be forced to help the city whether Constantine wants to help New York or not. I guess some Ghostbusters shit is going down and Constantine is the only one who can save New York. I suppose other magic heroes could save New York but they don't have their own comic books, do they? Lazy bastards.

I really wish Madame Xanadu would get her own book so I could publicly vent my vile hatred for her. Maybe I'll buy her old series just to rant and rave. That fucking barn owl Xanadu pisses me off so much!

John's night ends with him running into Oliver hanging around his apartment with a big bag of curry. Mmm, curry. Mmm. Mmmmmmmm. Um, I think this comic book is over now. Something came up that I need to do! So, um, Constantine decides maybe fucking Oliver won't be the worst thing in the world since he's gotten people killed so many times before, what's one more? Especially if that one more can make him wail like a banshee who is coming because it's being fucked in the ass while getting a rough, ball-slapping reach around.

Constantine the Hellblazer #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. A real comic book reviewer would explain to you why the comic book they just read is better than a lot of other comic books they tend to read. No, wait. A real comic book reviewer would, in most cases, say a bunch of nice shit about any comic book they've read, especially if it were written or drawn by a professional whom they've met and with whom they feel they have some kind of rapport. But I'm just this stupid asshole who enjoys hearing myself type. You get what I mean. So I don't know how to express why this book is so much better than...let's say...Cullen Bunn's "Lost Army." I mean, I could tell you why that comic book is crappy crap of a...well, just smear crap on a bunch of words and that pretty much describes it. What I might be getting at is that when a story forms around a well thought out character, the comic book tends to be better than when a character is made to fit within the confines of the plot. Like Cullen Bunn's "Aquaman"! That isn't an Aquaman story at all, so it doesn't work. It's also possible that I just don't like anything I've read by Cullen Bunn and so I decided to use this space to criticize his writing. Yes, that's also possible. Who knows, really? Ultimately my intent doesn't matter because the reader is so fucking important that apparently whatever the reader concludes with their tiny minds is what matters. Pshaw! I mean, unless that reader is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! And then the Reader is more important than the Writer! Whew! I almost wrote myself into a corner there. Nice save, me!

If you enjoyed this review and want to help support me so I can keep justifying spending time doing these things, how about supporting my Patreon? If you support me, I'll try not to insult you personally. I promise I didn't just keep my fingers crossed as I typed that.

Constantine the Hellblazer #5

I'd rather kiss the huge mass of intestines than the smoker.

In a culture where everybody expresses their individuality and their personality through the products they consume, actively avoiding the consumption of specific products constitutes activism. In other words, doing nothing allows a person to participate in a movement. If a person really wants to ruffle some feathers, they are also free to express disdain via some form of social media. I suppose that's fitting since all a person has to do to be notable nowadays is to inspire or raise awareness. I often wish that I were daft and naive enough to be awed and inspired by the insipid and the mundane.

Fuck I'm in a mood. I've got a head cold because I dared to be sociable and visit family with children. Fucking children. If that wasn't bad enough, I had cookies with black frosting on them. Has anybody looked into the dangers of black frosting because it turned my poo green. Is that a feature or a side effect? Shouldn't somebody be raising awareness about black frosting and inspiring people to stop buying it?

Enough of the preamble. If I preamble any more, I'm just going to rant and rave about how people of average intelligence are destroying this country. The good thing about that rant is that nobody would be pissed off by it because everybody thinks they're of above average intelligence! Especially the stupid people!

This issue is called "Pretty Girls Make Graves" which is a great title for a movie even if I'm too stupid to understand what it means.

I'm fairly certain all of my exes were roiling masses of disembodied vengeance long before I ever slept with any of them.

Constantine is searching the Secret Magic Library of Trinity College, Cambridge, looking for a way to help Veronica return to the material world so she doesn't have to keep eating John's ghost friends. If she were human again, she wouldn't need to seek revenge against John. Plus maybe she'd be fuckgrateful?

John learns that one who has disappeared from reality in the way Veronica has--without proper planning from the very beginning--is doomed to remain in the void forever. Unless she hates or loves somebody or something strongly enough to keep her linked to reality. Veronica is linked to John by one of those and is now lashing out in confusion and killing the ghosts surrounding John. Now he must kill or cure her.

Intent is a slippery beast. Sometimes it matters; sometimes it doesn't. It depends on the observer's perspective, I suppose. I would pretend my intent was to cure because it just sounds better.

Constantine decides to go see if Georgiana Snow has removed the rabbit from out of her ass and is ready to help him out. I hope John asks how her brother Elijah is doing this time.

At first, George is all, "I can't help you, John, because I have this huge rabbit in my ass." But John is all, "If you help me, I'll never bother you again!" And then George is all, "Ta-da! First I make the rabbit disappear, and then I'll make you disappear! Let's get this over with, ya prick!"

Constantine takes George to visit their old friend Veronica who is now their new not-so-much-of-a-friend the vengeance beast. Constantine points out how they both abandoned Veronica; it wasn't just John's fault that she felt unloved and unwanted. Once Veronica chose to be with Constantine, Georgie washed her hands of her. And now they both need to finally come to their friend's aid.

George isn't able to save Veronica and so she must destroy Veronica's link to reality. Thankfully that link isn't Constantine; it's the book she used to try to displace her soul. George is forced to burn it which frees Veronica from her link to the vengeance beast.

Just another day in the life of John Constantine, and another enemy, and a whole bunch more self-loathing.

Constantine the Hellblazer #5 Rating: No change. Be assured, I know what I'm doing is meaningless. I am not here to inspire. I am not here to raise awareness. I am not here to wax rhapsodic on philosophy or ethics or the meaning(lessness) of life. I am merely entertaining myself by reading stories and writing my insipid comments on them. In a way, Constantine and I are very much alike. We are self-absorbed misanthropes who only feel close to the people we have ultimately failed because--let's face it--we never have to deal with them again and can afford the luxury of believing we once cared. If there's a way in or out of any situation, we take the easy way simply because it's easy. If a price must be paid for that later on, we simply find somebody else willing to pay that price for us and we continue on in our narcissistic self-loathing. Next to Jonah Hex, he's my favorite character!

Constantine the Hellblazer #4

The Surgeon General reports that smoking will cause good times and death and getting laid and good memories.

Did anybody watch the new Muppets show on ABC and not receive a phone call afterward that told them they have seven days left to live? Was it supposed to be a comedy? I did notice some complaints around the internet that it wasn't kid friendly enough and it had too many references to drugs and sex. The people who were making those complaints must not remember the original show. You do remember that it starred a frog that was fucking a pig, right? Sure, it wasn't blatantly stated but what did anybody think was going on? And who didn't already know Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were all fucked up on drugs? Who was naive enough to believe they weren't just because it was never explicitly stated? Look, Gonzo was, and always has been, a chicken fucker and people just let that shit go! Apparently subtlety really does fool stupid people (and by "subtlety," I suppose I mean "not explicitly stating something outright but making it as obvious as possible anyway"). The original Muppet Show was written and played for adults. It was never meant to be a kids show. I mean, Alice Cooper guest starred on one show and tried to purchase their souls. Was that meant for kids? Sure, it didn't play anything in a way that kept parents from letting kids watch. But neither did the new one. Back when the original Muppets aired, parents seemed to understand that adult jokes were not going to be picked up by the kids. Parents nowadays seem to think that if they can understand a joke in an adult way, their child has just been corrupted. People, your kid didn't even notice.

The new Muppets really was a trainwreck though. It definitely wasn't funny enough (or at all?) to end with that serious breakup scene between Kermit and Miss Piggy. Was that supposed to be emotional? Because everybody has been screaming at that frog to drop that horrible pig for decades now! People should have been cheering at that scene! Kermit should have taken control of his life and eaten a bacon wrapped hot dog with extra bacon and a side of bacon right in front of her! He should have had her arrested! I wouldn't have minded if he'd sold her to the local butcher and beat it out of town.

The show takes a giant misstep filming it Office-style and being more about the behind-the-scenes of running the show rather than just airing it like a variety show with behind-the-scenes happenings during the show (like the old one!). Sure, maybe that would have sucked as well because, again, the writing was terrible. But I'd rather see weird acts by Muppets than Tom Bergeron acting like a sad sack. If the show gets any better, somebody will have to let me know because I won't be watching it again. Probably because I'm going to be visited by a girl climbing out of a well climbing out of my television in a few days.

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast which has to be better than discussion of the Muppets which did not have a single laugh-out-loud moment no matter what easily amused people say. Last issue, we met Georgie Snow. I hope she turns out to be Elijah Snow's sister! She, like everybody in the paranormal business, hates John Constantine and refused to be pulled into his shenanigans. She might still be since she was introduced but I think she might be sitting this story arc out from now on. Unless the ghost of her friend Veronica turns up to tell John he was a lousy lay (which would probably be a lie but then you don't go around telling the person who's probably to blame for your death that they were fantastic in the sack).

He can't be drinking "that" in here. Because you're only allowed to drink PBR and Old Milwaukee in record stores. Possibly Hamms and Rainer as well.

Constantine has decided drunkenness is better than heroics so he's going to just drink and drink and lose himself in memories of the past instead of helping a bunch of ghosts not get eaten by the Ghostbuster.

In John's memories, Veronica wants to quit the band (Mucus Membrane (probably not named for the ones in your nasal passages)) because they're getting too wrapped up in the magic. They're playing for demons instead of people now. She called home and nobody remembers her. She's freaking out but John doesn't want to hear it. He's deep in the thrall of the magic and it's all he cares about. Pretty soon he'll learn that he cares more about staying alive which will force him deeper into the magic and further away from caring about the welfare of his friends (at least when it comes to his life versus theirs, ya know?).

So far Elijah Snow hasn't appeared in any of John's memories. But it'll happen! It has to happen! Why name a character Georgiana Snow and not make her Elijah's sister?!

John, stop being a dick. These people have obviously chosen beauty over truth. Most people do. It's why religion is so popular.

A bunch of the ghosts following John around hoping he'll help them suddenly appear on stage with Constantine. And then the Ghostbuster appears and begins feeding on the poor, lost souls. The living people run screaming from the joint. Constantine just stands around wondering where his next drink is going to come from. I suppose one of two things is going to have to happen to pull Constantine out of this drunken spiral. Georgie Snow is going to have to decide to help him, or he'll run into Veronica's ghost which he'll care enough to save.

Constantine heads back to the Secret Library Wing at Cambridge where Georgiana studied the dark arts where he meets the old librarian who says he can answer John's questions. But John doesn't want questions answered. He just wants to wallow in his despair and misery and alcohol.

And write Magnetic Poetry!

Constantine remembers the last time he saw Veronica and how he abandoned her and how he broke not only her heart but her entire life. But mostly Constantine remembers how little he cared. Although now that it's too late, now that he's so far removed from that time and place, he's found he does care. Isn't that the way though? Isn't it always easier to believe you cared more about something than you actually did when you're suddenly steeped in the nostalgia of the thing? So John--saddened by his current place in life, distraught that he's lost the ghost of Gaz, disturbed by his memories of the way he treated Veronica, mind clouded by alcohol--has come to a point of despair. He calls out to the Ghostbuster and allows it to come for him. He stands his ground and allows it to consume him. He's ready for it all to end.

Bom chicka wah wah!

Constantine the Hellblazer #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Doyle and Tynion understand how to write Constantine. It isn't all about defeating the Bad Thing by casting the most dangerous spell in the world that has too high a cost to count! And then casting the spell and succeeding and then never really paying much of a price at all. Constantine is about the dark places he's allowed himself to travel. It's about living a life damaged by all of the prices he's paid along the way. Yes, he's cocky and arrogant and always has a trick up his sleeve. He's full of bluster and sound and fury to hide the fact that he's nearly always just flying by the seat of his trenchcoat. He's not just the guy who always finds a way out. He's the guy haunted by the things he did to find those ways out. Doyle and Tynion understand Constantine enough that they are succeeding despite the limits placed on this book due to it not being in the Vertigo line. If you were disappointed with the original run of Constantine after The New 52, it's safe to come back to the character now. I give this book the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Stamp of Approval.

Constantine the Hellblazer #3

One out of every fifty people finds this cover sexually exciting.

This blog is not for you. This is not a blog where I review comic books, no matter how much I dress it up to look like a goddamned whore ("Goddamned whore" is my preferred nomenclature for professional critics). This blog is a meditation. It is a private diary. It is my scalp torn back, my skull sawed off, and my brain exposed for the curious and perverse to gawk at and to judge. It is sometimes more honest than it professes to be, the honesty hidden between the lies. When I'm depressed, I can mope about here while trying to make others smile. When I'm manic, this place is a fucking circus where the clowns are allowed to jerk off in your face and the elephants allowed to run free. But far too often lately (and I blame Convergence and/or the death of my writing partner, Judas), it can become a chore. It's just another item on the list to be completed so I can earn a sticker and a brief amount of praise ("praise" meaning, as I learned as a child, "being ignored instead of yelled at"). I don't want this to be a chore. I don't want this to be work. So I'm taking this blog back from all of you. I'm taking it back from every person who complained that I used the word "cunt" or "retarded." I'm taking it back from every person that expected to know my opinion of a comic book after they finished reading a review and were left thinking, "What the fuck was that?" I'm taking it back for my sanity. Although I'm not going to take it all the way back to what it was when I first began because--HOO BOY!--some of that stuff was shit! Who was that guy from three years ago? Who let that asshole have a blog?!

Here's the very first entry on the original manifestation of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (a blog I created simply for the name) from February 16th, 2010:

How do people plan their lives? How does one go about it? If life is like a maze, never knowing what will be around any approaching corner, how do you stick to your plan? How do you find your way? Perhaps you hurry through the inevitable wanderings, arterials, and dead ends, since they're easily recognizable as not part of the plan. But what if the newly found path is more entertaining, more magical, more interesting than the path you've already chosen for yourself? Do you throw away your initial plan? Do you write up a new one? Do you throw in the towel or rally against fate or God or the universe? Do you throw your arms up to the sky in defeat or defiance?

How does one go on with life when life doesn't care about your plan?

My aunt once asked me when I was barely in my twenties, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I answered, "Where did you see yourself ten years ago?"

I've never had a plan. Perhaps, now 40 [actually 39 when this was written--Know It All Tess!], that was a mistake. But I had dreams. Maybe it's time to start following those instead of simply wandering.

So that was me five years ago! Guess who's still fucking wandering, bitches?!

Oh yeah! I'm taking back saying "bitches!" at the end of sentences too! Not all sentences. I don't want to seem insensitive.

So I will actually be 45 at the end of September [Actually, 44!--Know-it-all-but-only-on-the-second-edit-Tess!]. I think. Let me do the math. Where's the calculator app on this thing? Um...yep! Forty-five [Nope!--Know-practically-nothing-Tess!]! And I've got nothing to show for it except my own small business and an intense hatred for shaving and a dead best friend of fifteen years buried in the backyard and a loving Non-Certified Spouse of eighteen years or so. Let me get out my calculator app again. Hmm, this thing is useless! Why doesn't it have a button to show the date I met the Non-Certified Spouse?!

I don't know what anybody should expect to change around here. Probably nothing. What simply needs to change is my attitude.

Goddammit. My high school English teacher was right!

Oh wait. I lied about my first blog entry! The one I previously said was the first one was the last one from the first month of the blog being set up. The first entry was this:

My cat is staring at me.

Stop it. Stop staring at me! Go away. Thank you.

I must have been preparing to masturbate.

Here's another post from the first month which I just read and now I'm crying:

A Dream

I was in some weird refugee camp when a Mexican guy entered the camp and sat by me smiling. A number of versions of him entered and sat down by other people, whispering in their ears. I looked at him quizzically and he said, "Watch this."

An older woman entered the camp and began walking up to the people being whispered to. She'd touch them gently, smiling, and move on. She came to me and took my hand. She began to walk off but before letting go of my hand completely, her smile faltered. She looked concerned and held my hand a bit tighter. She looked down at me and said, "Tell me about your pet."

"My pet?" I said as she said the same thing at the same time, laughing. "He's black and fuzzy?"

"No, tell me about him. He's very affectionate, isn't he?"

"He is. He loves head scratches and when you take your hand away, he'll grab it with his paw and pull it back to him. I call him my familiar. He's very much like me. He's quite aware of his surroundings and quick to learn things to his advantage."

"Is he good or evil?" she asked.

"Hmm? He's good most of the time, I guess. But he can turn on you if he's in the mood. He's not good or evil. He's a cat."

"Would you kill him to save the world?" she asked me seriously.

"No," I told her and she looked sad and moved on.

That was a dream about Judas who died October 22nd, 2014. I dreamt about him a couple of weeks ago. In the dream, I was simply happy to be cuddling with him (I was lying sort of over him restraining him so he didn't attack some newly hatched ducks. He was busy licking up the birth goo from the broken eggs). I said to Judas, "I thought you were dead! I'll never make that mistake again!" And it felt like reality had been the dream and the dream was now reality and I couldn't have been happier. Before I awoke, I was gazing into his eyes, just happy to be with him again. I was not sad when I awoke. I was jubilant, and satisfied.

Most of you still reading are probably wondering what this has to do with Constantine. I don't know. I haven't even opened it yet. But I will. Just let me go wash my face first.

This issue of Constantine begins in the past so that's what all this rummaging about in the past of the blog has to do with anything! So there! Nailed it!

Oh. I really thought he was talking about the adrenaline of being punched in the face!

I was punched in the face once (twice, if you count the time I was riding shotgun in a convertible BMW and my friend took a right hand turn way too fast and I tried to brace myself on the hood of the car which wasn't there and punched myself in the face instead)! The guy who punched me was five or six inches taller than me and full of muscles. After I jumped back up from the ground where I fell thinking, "He hit me!", I hit him with my Hosoi skateboard (I mention it was a Hosoi because if you know your skateboards, you know Hosoi made some motherfucking solid boards). I wasn't punched because I was being a dick. It was a total misunderstanding in which some meatheads misunderstood my passing by their house on a skateboard for...I don't know...terrorism or something. If I've ever been punched other than those two times, it was a really great punch which completely knocked the memory of itself out of my head.

Constantine was getting beat up so that he could steal two concert tickets to The End of the World show. He and the guy punching him say a few things that are just spelled with pentagrams. I think that means they're swearing! I usually just say, "Fudgsicles!" and then the Non-Certified Spouse says, "Now I want a pudding pop!" And then I say, "I was swearing! You're were supposed to hear a swear!" And then she says, "Fudgsicles!" and I say, "Stop swearing!" Then she says, "Fudge Packers!" and I go on a rant about how insensitive that is and how she really needs to think about how people whose job it is to pack fudge must feel whenever they have to tell people what they do for a living.

John's memory is about his first meeting with Georgiana Snow and Veronica Delacroix. They sound like vampires and/or plantation owners! One of them wants to fuck John and the other one wants nothing to do with John. That probably means he'll fuck George, the one that hates his guts. That's a typical story twist that everybody would prefer wouldn't take place but it always does. Although this is John Constantine and Hellblazer, so George probably still hates him and has always hated him and has never so much as touched him except to hold his hand during a seance. Especially since in the future (or present, depending on perspective), Constantine has traveled to London to get George's help killing the Ghostbuster in New York.

George currently has a lucrative career. Also dead people fucking! Did you see that panel?! Hee hee!

Constantine arrives and there are more panels of the dead people screwing and from different angles! I think I see some vagina! Unless that's a scrotum. Oh, who cares what it is! It all starts out from the same fetal material, so if I jerk to it, it doesn't make me gay or hetero or anything! Just horny!

Except now I've lost the mood because I said "jerk it" and "fetal" in the same sentence.

George's current problem is that the dead people didn't want to die fucking with runes cut into their bodies. They just wanted to not have runes cut into their bodies and to not die but they probably didn't mind the fucking bit. That bit is always a lot of fun. Except the first time when the girl you're about to lose your virginity to doesn't realize you're a virgin and she thinks she needs to prep your weiner with a little bit of sucking and you're thinking, "Should I come now? Does she want me to come now? I think she wants me to come now?" And then you just come because you really didn't have that much control anyway. I mean, a woman was touching your wiener! Just knowing that a woman wanted to touch your wiener when you're a teenager will make the stupid thing go off!

Anyway, um, Constantine wants to help George with her problem.

So what happened to Veronica? Did she get turned into a living marionette?! That loves to fuck?!

Constantine determines the demonic culprit behind the corpse orgy is a Succubus. He modifies his theory once he finds its lair full of lotion and video games and stacks of porn magazines. It's an Incubus. Constantine goes in to destroy it but he's quickly overwhelmed by the Incubus and its Incubus roomies. Luckily George was waiting for his arrogance to make him incompetent and she swoops in to rescue Constantine. Georgie tells Constantine that Veronica has been dead for three years and how it's John's fault and how it's always John's fault and maybe John should just go back to New York and never bother her again.

Oh, come on! Everybody knows that's not happening, Georgie! You especially!

Constantine the Hellblazer #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. Remember when DC Comics had that other book they were marketing which was called "Constantine" but it starred somebody other than John Constantine? I don't know who that guy was but it wasn't him. This is him. This is Constantine back to form. This is a comic book that I can point to when people say, "You read comic books?!" Then I point to Constantine the Hellblazer and say, "That?! No! That's not mine! I read things like Grape Expectations and War and Pizza!" Then I realize I'm hungry and I stop typing and I go to the grocery store. By, um...ahem...way of the comic book store, of course. It's Wednesday!

Batgirl Annual #3

Finally! Dead Dick is going to interact with somebody other than Batman, Julia Pennyworth, or The Joker!

Batgirl is about to get mixed up in Spyral business which she can probably handle since Qadir's technology is on par with Spyral's. The best part will be the scene where she recognizes Dick Grayson by his ass and then gets super embarrassed. Then Dick will ask Babs why she looks ten years younger than she really is. I hope her explanation satisfies me as a reader! I'm having a really tough time understanding why new Batgirl is so different from Simone Batgirl! I desperately need an in-canon explanation or I'm going to die!

The first Spyralee Batgirl meets is Helena Bertinelli who she's never, ever met before ever in the whole wide ever world ever.

I bet 95% of the residents of Burnside would never be thought of as a "hipster" and yet when a population becomes 5% Hipster, it's over! Mostly because when 5% of your population looks exactly alike, it's hard not to notice.

I've lived just off of Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon, for about twelve years now. I moved closer to Hawthorne because it was my favorite place, mostly due to my comic book store and Marco's Deli which had great meatball subs and Mr. Pibb on tap. It had a bit of a Bohemian flair, I guess. It was a little bit hippy, a little bit artsy, a little bit shitty. It was the kind of street that once had an Arby's but when it didn't get enough business, it closed down and McDonald's tried to set up shop there only to be beaten back by petitions. Mostly it was residents who claimed they didn't want the extra traffic generated by a fast food place but I think mostly it was a bunch of snobby assholes who only ever ate McDonald's when people they knew weren't looking. Anyway, the street lost a lot of its charm as the swarm of Hipster Gentrification (which is really the only kind of gentrification seen in Portland). And it's been going on for longer than Portlandia has been on the air, so the people who blame Portlandia are putting the cart before the bearded assholes. Although, really, the show hasn't helped. It's seen by many not as a satire of the city but more of a promotional video for like minded people. Long before Fred Armisen said that Portland was where young people go to retire, I was constantly asking the Non-Certified Wife, "Doesn't anybody in this town work?!"

So Hawthorne began to get the Hipster Gentrification treatment which seemed to be flowing southward from Alberta. It hit Belmont pretty hard back when Paninis, Cupcakes, and Artsy Toy Stores were the beginning signs of a Hipster Neighborhood taking root (the record stores were already there!). Later it became organic grass-fed beef hamburgers and "artisinal" pizza (the cupcakes survived although they probably began serving macaroons as well). The artsy toy store moved to Hawthorne and lots of businesses began changing on Hawthorne. It seemed the time had come for Hawthorne's transformation. Hawthorne lost their Blockbuster (who didn't though, amirite?!) and I told the Non-Certified Wife when we were guessing what it would become that it would be a bank or a thrift store. It became both! The deli became Thai, the corner store which I can't even remember what it was became an upscale hipster clothing store (for when you need something other than your Mr. Bubble shirt and skinny jeans) which has in-store cocktail events every few months. But the transmogrification of the neighborhood never totally took. Instead it moved on south to Division which went from a sunny, mostly one-story building stretch of barber shops and food carts and a Whole Foods (you know, your "average" Portland neighborhood!) to a shady Death Star trench of five or six story condominiums with businesses in the ground floor. Businesses like "artisinal" ice cream and...well, I can't really remember and I think "artisinal" ice cream says enough. I'm sure some place is still riding the last of the Pork Belly wave as well. I mostly avoid the place. Although the Bollywood Indian restaurant demands my patronage because Indian food, duh!

Back to Batgirl, Helena and Babs decide to work together because they both seem to be on the same mission. It doesn't matter what the mission is. This is an annual. The only thing that matters is that Babs and Dick need to meet up with each other. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those stories where Grayson narrowly avoids being seen by Gordon four or five times before the story ends with Batgirl none the wiser. Or maybe she will have noticed and she'll walk off with a quirky grin because she now knows Dick isn't dead.

"Body language." Dick is being modest about his ass.

The mission is to infiltrate an impenetrable tower which has a large open courtyard and balconies on every floor overlooking the empty space in the center. It's a lot like the latest Judge Dredd movie but with Dick Grayson as Judge Dredd and Babs and Helen as whatever other Judges helped out.

Near Miss #1!

Barbara and Damian must shop at the same shoelace store which sells the longest, loosest shoelaces they possibly can.

Near Miss #2!

Helena shouts something which prevents Babs running into Dick and making this an interesting story! Instead, the chase up the tower continues as the reader waits expectantly for the inevitable encounter (which will probably wind up being evitable).

Dick gets caught up battling the only really buff member of Gladius (the evil organization!) and Helena has to help him out. Batgirl goes on ahead and now Dick fears she's going to wind up seeing him. It's time to put on a disguise! Like maybe a sundress and a nice long blonde wig? Then maybe he can play Yakety Sax while they all run around beating up guards and Dick tries to constantly hide his face demurely behind a handkerchief. And maybe at some point Helena can stand behind a table full of fruit so it looks like a couple of cantaloupes are her breasts!

Batgirl makes it to the top of the tower first and comes face to face with Gladius's leader. But the leader has planted a bomb and makes her escape while Batgirl turns back to try to disarm the bomb (although Babs does stick a Bat-tracker on the fleeing terrorist). Dick Grayson arrives to help Barbara disarm the bomb although he's got his Spyral Hypnos running so Babs thinks she sees an old guy named Christian Kroger. I think now that we had the near misses, we're getting to the part where Babs will realize it's Dick without Dick realizing she realized it. Then she'll walk off with that smile I mentioned and maybe a pair of ruined underwear.

The bomb can't be deactivated (or else Helena doesn't really try to deactivate it because she thinks like Frankie who suggested blowing up the building earlier) and they have to jump from the tower with the UN diplomats who were hostages of Gladius. I know Batgirl didn't want to kill anybody but I think a lot of those guards she kept alive are now burning to death.

Oh, and of course, the recognition by butt shot. This is where the ruined underwear comes into play.

And this is the smile after possibly thinking it could have been Dick.

So that was the first part of the story. I think a bit of Yakety Sax would have improved the whole Benny Hill tone of it all.

The second part of the story has Batgirl chasing after the woman she placed the tracker on. While following the trace, Batgirl runs into Catwoman's sidekick, Spoiler. So now these two can have a fun adventure with each other and become best friends and make Frankie totally jealous! Unless Batgirl doesn't like being out-pepped by another young female hero.

Spoiler catches Gladius's leader when Batgirl points her out except it wasn't Gladius's leader! It was just another underling doing grunt work and spilling secrets about the Negahedron and how it's going to be used to destroy Gotham! Batgirl leaves Spoiler to take care of the terrorist and rushes off to play with Batwoman.

Batwoman and Batgirl beat up Gladius and learn more about the Negahedron. But Gladius gets away which leads Batgirl to the Gotham Academy Library where she's going to team up with Maps, probably! It won't be Olive because why would Batgirl team up with one of the Gotham Academy supporting cast instead of its main character?

Well, I guess Olive can appear as Maps' sidekick.

The Pizza Club with Guest Detective Batgirl find the head of the statue containing the blueprints of the Negahedron but the head is stolen by Gladius! She and Batgirl wind up on the roof ready to battle when Maps hits Gladius in the chin with her Batarang and saves the day! Of course. I would expect nothing less from Maps and her sidekick Olive Silverlock.

Gladius is captured and the microfiche is nearly destroyed and the librarian Mr. Scarlet shows up to declare some mysteries should remain mysteries. Maps rushes off to form Superhero Club. Olive goes off to pout. And Batgirl decides to spy on Maps for a bit because Maps would make an excellent date for Alysia's wedding and/or a superb sidekick!

Batgirl Annual #3 Rating: This annual should be held up as an example for all annuals everywhere. It was a superb annual with lots of guest stars that really should be part of Batgirl's world. Loved every second of it except for the seconds which weren't added which maybe could have had Batwoman making out with somebody. Hey, I'm still a man with inappropriate fantasies which co-opt the lesbian lifestyle for my own pleasure and gaze! Sue me!