Aquaman #43

In this issue, we'd better find out that Mera is under the influence of the Thules or this shit makes no sense. Unless Aquaman fucked Ya'wara.

Recently I scanned in a picture from Justice League of America #2 where Aquaman points out that Rao is a piece of shit god and gods don't actually exist and religion is stupid. I then captioned it with "And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite hero." Or something. I just want everybody to know that that didn't really make Aquaman my favorite hero, okay? Even if that was the most bad-ass thing ever said by a character in a comic book, it still wouldn't make up for years of Aquaman trying desperately to be serious and liked by all of the fanboys. See, I don't hate Aquaman. I hate Aquaman since around the time he had that four issue mini-series sometime in the mid-80s. It was the one where he got his new suit that looked like water. I won't say I hated him during the time Peter David was writing him but I was hurt that he was turning his back on silly, whimsical, giant seahorse riding Aquaman to become a darker, grimmer king of the sea. I want the Aquaman that causes fanboys to mock him as being the guy who talks to fish. Well, that's his main power. He should talk with fish. And when I say "talk," I mean talk. I don't mean command them to throw their lives away at his expense. I mean he should have a discussion with them and ask if they'll help him defeat Black Manta yet again. Then he should have to owe them a favor so that sometime during some huge Justice League cosmic crisis, he'd turn to Batman in the middle of the battle and be all, "Oh shit. There's something I have to take care of!" Then he'll rush off to the ocean to play midwife to a pod of whales while the universe is on the brink of destruction. Because he promised and he's the King of Atlantis and he must keep his promises or everything in his kingdom will fall apart.

That's the Aquaman I'd like to see. The Aquaman I don't want to see? This one currently being written by His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire. This Aquaman isn't Aquaman at all. I guess Cullen Bunn couldn't think up a story where Aquaman speaks with fish. So instead, he gave Aquaman a shitload of super powers. Now Aquaman can freeze things in ice and make pillars of rock shoot out of the ground and teleport. What editor thought that was a good idea? That's like DC Comics having a press conference and declaring once and for all that they also think Aquaman is a useless piece of garbage. Apparently he's not an exciting enough hero if he's just speaking with fish and acting morose. He's also got to have new super powers and be on the run from Atlantis and be hated by his fiance as well. This Aquaman blows. I like the Aquaman that tells priests to suck it!

Last issue, Aquaman is all, "I have to go stop the incursion and I don't want you to come. Stay and reign over Atlantis!" Now he's all, "Never mind! You should be at my side when I tell the Atlanteans about the change of plans because you know how much they've come to love and trust you even though they hated you right up until ten minutes ago when I told them not to hate you." So then Mera is all, "Fuck that, you traitor!"

Mera decides that talking is the wrong way to go about having a conversation so she pins Arthur to the wall with her water powers. Then she points out how Aquaman made her Queen of Atlantis so she has to protect Atlantis. The way to protect Atlantis, I suppose, is to beat the shit out of the guy who's supposed to be saving it. But see, it's okay to beat him up now because he doesn't plan on saving Atlantis immediately. He'd rather save some innocent Atlanteans from another bloodline before he destroys the place they're currently held captive. Mera rightly realizes that that would cause harm to her new kingdom so she threatens the only person who can save her new kingdom which seems like it could harm her new kingdom which means maybe she should be attacking herself? Logic is hard.

Sodomizing your fiance with a trident is a pretty hefty cost though.

This makes sense because Mera is obviously under the influence of the Thule invaders. The comic is more dramatic if Mera is brainwashed into hating Aquaman even if that's the kind of thing that happens in comic books every time you turn around. It must be a really good plot twist since it gets used so much.

Back in the present, Aquaman and Garth seem to have come to a truce since an ancient juggernaut has awakened and is threatening to smash them both into fishy smelling jelly.

Yay! We all came to an agreement! Pump your fists in the air!

Aquaman has another flashback where Extriax the Wizard from Old Atlantis is all, "Dudebro. Your people suck." So then Aquaman tells a joke about Mera's violent temper and isn't at all concerned about his people turning against him. I don't know how he can laugh off being attacked by Mera! Unless he realizes she's not really mad at him. She's just under the control of some monster from Thule and probably in serious danger. Oh well! Time to go save some Old Atlanteans while not dealing with the Mera problem at all. There's no time to deal with that! It'll be much quicker to save the Old Atlanteans while the New Atlanteans are constantly trying to assassinate Arthur. Plus remember how Thule is dipping their toe in the water? That's like a timer counting down to zero. Shit has to happen fast!

Aquaman points out (back in the present while fighting alongside King Shark) that his new powers also consist of controlling storms. Just call in some fucking flying fish or something, hunh?! Maybe get some Mudskippers in here so that the juggernaut will slip on them and break its back! Anything except suddenly being DC's briny version of Thor.

And back in the present, we discover how he got all of his new powers and then I have to go pick up the comic book from the floor near where I threw it against the wall.

And just like that, Aquaman is my least favorite hero

I realize that Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America is taking place in some other dimension but didn't Aquaman just say in that comic book that he doesn't believe in Poseidon? And now here he is with his fish tail between his legs asking the sea god for help? It's so embarrassing! Like when I pray to Jesus Christ that my downstairs neighbor dies in a drunk driving accident. I mean, I don't believe in Jesus Christ at all so why would I think he'd help me murder anyone?!

Poseidon tells Arthur all about Thule and how they're a coven of witches who caused strife in Old Atlantis until Atlan sent them packing. They fled into another dimension just behind our dimension where they've been up to no good for centuries. Aquamn gets all pissy that Poseidon didn't do anything to save the Atlanteans enslaved by the Thule and then Poseidon screams back at Arthur that he "did as a god pleases!" And then he gives Arthur a fuck-ton of super powers to help him defeat Thule. Because I guess that's something else that pleases a god.

Back to the present, Aquaman cannot defeat the juggernaut with mere godly powers. But he knows how to speak with fish! So he uses that power to call forth Topo or some other kraken or something that doesn't actually exist even in a super hero comic book so that it can destroy the juggernaut. It's about fifty times bigger than the juggernaut and rips the thing apart which makes me wonder why Aquaman did everything else before calling forth his monster up his sleeve. I guess he just wanted to show off his new lightning power.

After the fight, Garth is all, "Okay! Cool. Me and my fish gang will just go now. We didn't really want to fight you anyway." Watching the fight from her hidden lair is Siren. She's the person that has been pretending to be Mera and is working with Thule and is also apparently Mera's twin sister Hila or something. So it's as I pointed out earlier. Mera is in danger and all Arthur could do was make some fucking jokes about it. You'd think his main priority would be to find out why Mera was acting so fucking weird because it would totally make sense that she's being influenced by Thule. I guess he's just stupid.

Aquaman #43 Rating: No change. I once read a story one time where there was no evil twin and the entire time I was reading it, I kept thinking, "But where's the evil twin? Shouldn't there be an evil twin?!" So when Mera's evil twin appeared, I was all, "Totally knew it was going to turn out to be an evil twin even though I never speculated about an evil twin in my reviews because I totally didn't want to spoil it for anybody." So now that it's been revealed that Mera was instantly captured by the enemies of Atlantis immediately after Arthur gave her authority to rule over the kingdom, I can say, "I told you so," right? I totally knew Mera couldn't handle the responsibility! If you've been reading Aquaman since the beginning of The New 52, you may have been thinking, "She's totally competent and will totally do a kick ass job of ruling Atlantis because she even has more confidence than Aquaman himself!" But you would have been forgetting that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire took over the writing duties of this comic book and decided that Aquaman and Mera should be completely different people than they were before he began writing this comic book. How could you have forgotten that when you were thinking Mera would make a decent Queen? Amateur!