Twat Lobo #10

The Last Tango Before Sinestro Lost His Butt Cherry.

I thought all of the Twat Lobo/Sinestro crossover hype was going to be about them battling each other to a draw, Stan Lee style. But instead they're going to be the best friends ever. It makes sense because they're basically the same character with just enough shallow bullshit slopped on them for careless readers to think they're different. The ultimate problem with having a villain be the star of a monthly comic book is that villains need story arcs. Heroes can go on and on and on basically being the same person while constantly saving people from the next disaster. But villains need a story where they ultimately succeed or fail and then that's it. It's done. If they succeed in their vile plans, I suppose they can think up a new plan but since modern comics only have one speed, the villain's initial plan will be something like "control the universe" and what's left to plan after that? Squashing rebellions across various systems? Realizing that ultimate control wasn't what they really wanted and that, ultimately, they were just looking for their mother's love and their father's approval?

I understand that Cullen Bunn is trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro more like anti-heroes but that's bullshit too. Giving assassins and mercenaries like Twat Lobo and Deathstroke "codes" or "ethics" ultimately betrays what the fans like most about these kinds of characters. They want them to be ruthless killing machines. But they all have to have a Punisher's sense of right and wrong or else comic book companies don't think they're be palatable to a wide audience. People still exist who think the bad guy always needs to be punished.

I think DC Comics is going entirely the wrong way trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro cool to a young audience who they think only want sexy people acting bad-ass. I think Lobo works best as a mockery of himself. If the book is humorous and laughs at Lobo's trials and tribulations then it's okay for Lobo to be an inczarnian monster. That will never be Twat Lobo. Twat Lobo is being taken way too seriously. Some people hated that Lobo became a joke character. But those are people this blog isn't for because I'll never understand loving a character just because they represent some kind of super macho bullshit. Maybe DC Comics felt this way too which is why they thought turning Lobo into Twat Lobo was softening the super macho edge. Make him look like he cares about spa treatments and glowing tattoo fashions and he'll resonate more with today's androgynous oriented youth. I'd say it's only my opinion that that isn't the case but I also have Twat Lobo's sales to back up that it's not working. At all.

It's also possible that this version of Lobo could be awesome if only somebody else was writing it.

Somebody seems to like it well enough though because they've been defending it in the comments section of the Blogger version of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea:

I was expecting this to be a meh issue kind of like the others, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The bits where he talks about the blackness of space and about madness, both his own and that of the criminal elements that he's a part of, is pretty evocative. I really liked one panel where it depicts Lobo's face giving off a smug sneer as it seemingly blends in with the starry background behind him, almost as if implying that the darkness surrounding the stars and Lobo himself are one and the same.

The comment was from Anonymous but I suspect it's actually Cullen Bunn trying to explain the stuff that he couldn't fit into his 170 Narration Boxes for that issue. I get it, Your Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire! This shit is really deep!

Speaking of Narration Boxes...

I wonder if Cullen Bunn goes to art museums and plasters Post-it notes all over the exhibits?

I'm glad Twat Lobo explained the history of the Indigo Lanterns to me before he started killing them. It's always good to know why I should feel bad for the people Twat Lobo is ruthlessly murdering. His little bits of propaganda--like how he doesn't consider "compassion" an emotion or how these Indigos are just "soldiers" to be battled against--don't work on me because I don't like Twat Lobo anyway. Maybe if my belly were on fire as I gazed longingly at his tight abs and beautiful, tight little nipples, I'd buy whatever he was saying. But since that will never be the case, I should just move on to a panel that doesn't disgust me as much as one full of Narration Boxes.

Ah! That's better. No Narration Boxes! Only the implied future anal rape of Indigo-1 by a guy's bloody stump.

Twat Lobo rescues Indigo-1 by finishing the job of killing this Indigo Lantern who went back to being a killer and stump rapist himself after losing his ring that forces compassion and the inability to say anything other than "nok" onto him. But Twat Lobo didn't save Indigo-1's life so she could keep it. No, he just saved it so he could take it later.

Isn't the opposite of "nok" "Kon"? Who would want to be Superboy? He's terrible.

Maybe "nok" means "gay"? I would expect Twat Lobo to think of himself as the opposite of gay. Remember how he had all that heterosexual sex every issue ago? If Scott Lobdell were writing this comic book, Twat Lobo would be Omnisexual. I'm Nom-nom-nomnisexual which means I cannibalize all of my sexual partners. Not literally! More like emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a useless wreck and ruining their lives. But I'm totally upfront about it! When I meet a potential sexual partner, I always be sure to say, "I'm going to wreck you." And then I do! Utterly and completely!

And before you take the preceding paragraph too seriously, realize it was typed by a person who once looked like this:

I was fucking killing it that day.

Twat Lobo empties his bag of Indigo Lantern hands so Indigo-1 can appreciate, and then add to, his collection. But Indigo-1 is a total hater and wants nothing to do with helping Twat Lobo complete his set.

As Twat Lobo attacks Indigo-1, he Narration Boxes, "I've done my research on these guys. It's all about their rings--get those, and they're powerless." Whoa! He's really serious about his job! That must have taken around two seconds of research to make that ring connection! So that means the Indigo Lanterns are totally not any different than any other Lantern. Sure, some alien lanterns have innate powers due to their alien physiology. But if Twat Lobo cared about that kind of anomaly, he'd realize that the Indigo Lanterns probably have a few of those kinds of members just like any other Lantern Corps.

Indigo-1 commands one of the rings to slide onto Twat Lobo's finger (which is a bit rapey) which will make him a big softy. But he declares--in a Narration Box, of course!--that he's "a lobo" which means he won't fall for that sneaky trick. If this were the Real Deal Lobo, we'd get several issues of him being a giant dreadlocked huggy bear and it would be totally adorable and hilarious. But this comic book doesn't have time for whimsical bullshit! We're trying to be cool here! Everybody calm down and act distant and unaffected! That's better. Now it might not look like we're having any fun but just imagine how cool everybody thinks we are!

Twat Lobo bites off his finger so he doesn't become an Indigo Lantern. And just like that, Indigo-1 decides that she shouldn't try that again. He's got nine more fingers, Indigo-1! And ten toes! And a penis! At least make him bite off his own penis before you give up on this tactic! He's also got a tongue and a butthole. Don't the rings work if they're just shoved inside of a person?!

Indigo-1 teleports away and Twat Lobo's reaction would be laughable if I hadn't spent $2.24 on this comic book!

I thought you did your fucking research! The Indigo Lanterns teleport! It's practically all that they do! Teleport and hug (but not in the sexy kind of hugging the Star Sapphires do! No, the Indigos always pat you on the back as they hug)!

Twat Lobo reports back to Sinestro to point out that he failed to get Indigo-1's ring but the other Indigo Lanterns were too stupid to use their main ability to escape him. That's when Bekka begins to insult Twat Lobo like a good New God should but she is cowed by one glance from Sinestro. Oh, fuck that shit! This is going too far! Bekka is some lovestruck supporting actress now?! Not that I really care about the New Gods. But I figure the characters should be somewhat consistent as opposed to just being in the story in service to the lead characters.

Sinestro and Kadra (the Void Whisper leader who cowed Twat Lobo in the same way Sinestro cowed Bekka (I love the word "cowed." I hope I'm using and/or spelling it correctly!)) continue to negotiate their deal even though that's the kind of thing that should have been finished before Twat Lobo began killing Indigos. Kadra is all, "We should be paid a lot because you can't do it." And Sinestro is all, "Oh, I can do it but I just don't have time right now which is why I'm paying you the amount we already agreed upon and not a penny more, especially seeing as how Twat Lobo failed in his first attempt." And then Kadra is all, "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut."

Even though Twat Lobo isn't finished with his Indigo job (and the Code says never to leave a job unfinished!), Twat Lobo now goes after the Red Lanterns. That means for the rest of the issue, he'll fail to kill Bleez and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus and Rankorr. Although I guess Cullen Bunn got the okay to kill Rankorr since he's fairly new and doesn't have a lot of fans. Twat Lobo kills Rankorr and then leaves Bleez alive because Twat Lobo suddenly doesn't know how to finish a job. Bleez heads back to Atrocitus to snitch on Twat Lobo. I guess the Red Lanterns are all back to hanging out with Atrocitus. They probably missed Dex-Starr as much as I did.

I probably could have spent more time on the Rankorr and Twat Lobo fight but I think I've done enough moaning about this issue.

Twat Lobo #10 Rating: No change. I almost typed "Sinestro #10 Rating" because isn't this more a Lantern title now? Isn't it really just more of that War of the Lanterns shit but with Twat Lobo doing all of the dirty work? The only reason Twat Lobo is involved with all of this ring crap is because the guy who writes the Twat Lobo book also writes the Sinestro book. That's the least organic link I can think of between these two characters! I could go on and on about how much I dislike the entire concept of this book, beginning with Twat Lobo's very first appearance with his "Sorry. Not Sorry" and "Screw you" directed at all of the old Lobo fans, but instead I'll just leave you with a picture from the front porch of my childhood home.

It's tiny because my mother scanned it and posted it to her Facebook. I think that's sufficient explanation, right?