Aquaman #52

"Ay! Yo! I talks ta fish 'n shit."

The Review or Whatever!
I hope when Wally West returned for Rebirth, he was able to remind people that Aquaman isn't a bad-ass at all and is really just a joke! We all know he's a joke! He'll never be more than a joke! All of you Aquaman defenders know it too! You must be so tired of trying to convince everybody that they shouldn't be laughing so hard at Aquaman riding a giant seahorse! You're all, "No! That's Pre-Crisis Aquaman! That's not Modern Aquaman! Modern Aquaman is all grim and stoic! He's so strong that he...stop giggling! You just don't get it!" Then they do a quick internet image search to find this picture to prove that Aquaman is a bad-ass:

How is Aquaman doing his version of Sharknado supposed to prove that he isn't silly and stupid?

I think Aquaman might be off the hook now because Geoff Johns just wandered into my sights! Look at that stupid fucking sharks eating parademons moment! That moment could be the definition of Geoff Johns. He has a way of finding the most stupidly ridiculous thing or idea to incorporate into his comic book that somehow hits just the right note with a certain type of comic book fan! You know what kind of comic book fan I'm talking about. No, no. You know. It's what I call Geoff John's Drunk Ideas Made Reality. He and some friend he can bounce ideas off of go out and get pissed until Johns comes up with a list of stupid fucking ideas that he can work into a nonsensical story that really goes nowhere but has enough stupid twists that fangenders (this might be one of those times I can actually just say fanboys!) ruin their underwear over. And because he's in creative control of the universe, he can make any "What-If" scenario he comes up with, no matter how stupid, into actual continuity. Just like how he retconned Aquaman into not being a joke!

Currently Aquaman is off battling Scavenger. It sounds pretty boring if you remember Scavenger is just some guy in scuba gear that has shark teeth painted on the mask. But this is the New 52 and Improved Scavenger! This is Scavenger in a Robotic Suit comparable to anything Batman has! I mean, it wasn't forged in the heart of a sun and imbued with the purity of fifty-eight virgins or anything. But then he's only battling Aquaman, so it's not like it has to have every bell and rape whistle. Scavenger built the suit because his plan is to kill Aquaman and then nobody will be able to stop him from looting the ocean of every bit of valuable whatever within it. That seems like a stupid plan. Is that how it would work if I wanted to get into bank robbing? I should kill the sheriff in my town and then I'll be free to rob banks willy-nilly?

Mera is currently dealing with her own problems. Dead Water managed to shed a tear even though the comic book expressly told the readership that that was totally fucking impossible. But, well, you know how it is. Last issue was super boring when Mera was just asking Dead Water questions. And I whined about it the entire time! So I should be happy that the rules were broken and Dead Water is free! Plus I get to look at pictures of Mera looking hot while fighting.

She literally didn't need to add literally. Plus I think her suit is way lower cut than in the previous issue.

Dead Water escapes because even though Mera tried to completely dehydrate him, she must have left one tear inside him. Or maybe it was a wet fart. So now Dead Water has gone after Aquaman although I think he's really after Scavenger so Aquaman's problems might soon just sort themselves out.

The whole middle of the comic book is Dead Water's origin story as explained by Scavenger. Now, I know I often wish comic books had more down time and less punching but holy shit is Aquaman's down time boring! I wish Scavenger weren't so willing to acquiesce and blab the whole story! Put up a fight, dummy! I don't really care if I never know how this guy Payne became Dead Water! It's not like the origin story explains it anyway. Payne just came into contact with water that was different than water but still water. How does that explain anything? Now because he touched #waternotwater, he can become a sea serpent that transmutes its body into water? Oh! Okay! I'm glad that was explained so scientifically!

Look, comic book. Just be a comic book. Don't try to be more than you are and become a scientific paper up for review. Just sit there on the steps of Congress and shut the fuck up.

Payne interrupts Snorefest 2.0 just as Scavenger was about to reveal that the Weird Water came from Atlantis's sewage outflow system! Probably!

Aquaman winds up murdering Payne after Payne almost kills Scavenger. Although Payne's death is probably more "Suicide By Aquaman" than murder. Scavenger gets to live because he's been a part of Aquaman's history for a long time and he knows the secret location of the Weird Water. But he's in a coma so that Aquaman doesn't get any answers just yet! I mean, first Dan Abnett has to think up a semi-interesting story with long, dull moments surrounding the Weird Water!

Aquaman #51

Pickle Boy Comic Book Fact #1: Covers with Aquaman being beaten to a pulp sell more copies than covers where he looks triumphant.

The Review!
I hope Cullen Bunn's friend doesn't comment on my review of this comic book because he's so fucking boring! He's always all, "Pretentious bullshit, pretentious bullshit, defend Cullen Bunn's version of Twat Lobo and Aquacarter of Mars." It's like he doesn't understand satire, sarcasm, parody, and whatever the fuck I'm actually doing which isn't any of those things I just wrote but I'd like to think are those things because they sound intelligent. He's a total bummer! Not a bummer like a UK Slang bummer! I mean a bummer like an American Slang bummer which is a downer! Every time I see he's commented on a commentary, I groan really loudly and kick my feet and roll my eyes and yell, "I don't wanna read this garbage!" Then I usually don't respond because I did respond once in a funny manner but he took it totally the wrong way and flipped the fuck out in the way that online commenters love to do! You know, I don't even have a proper review of this issue because I expect the boring fuck to tell me what I should have thought when reading this. Which will probably be something like, "This story is nowhere as exciting as Cullen Bunn's story! His ass tastes so good! Mmmm!"

The Commentary!
If I were the editor of Aquaman at DC Comics, I would insist that he be left in a worse position than he was in when the comic book began every fucking issue. It would be editorially mandated that Aquaman never have anything go right for him. I bet it would be a terrific seller! People would begin picking it up because they couldn't resist seeing how far Aquaman could still fall. Not every month would be something hugely dramatic though. Sometimes he might just have severe diarrhea while trying to attend a Justice League meeting. Maybe one issue he would be proudly sporting a new fedora while everybody snickered behind his back. What I'm saying is Aquaman shouldn't pretend to be anything but the laughingstock he was meant to be! Bad-ass doesn't look good on Arthur. Riding on the back of a gigantic seahorse does!

This issue begins twelve hours before it should since on page three the narration box says "Twelve Hours Earlier." It begins in the future with Scavenger and his gang of scavengers scavenging on the bottom of the ocean. But they get news that Aquaman is hunting them which totally sounds like an exciting time! But then the whole twelve hours earlier thing happens and now I have to slog through a bunch of boring prologue before getting back to the chase. Come on, comic book! If I wanted boring story and setup, I'd be reading a real book!

The first half of the comic is just Aquaman questioning the guy who transforms into the sea beast, Dead Water. If you're into Aquaman being boring like he usually is, this is totally the comic book for you. But at least he doesn't have every super power in the world and traveling into outer space! At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume.

Although she's acting really boring too!

Ten pages of boring conversation with the man who can transform into Dead Water later and the comic book returns to the present where all of the excitement was about to happen before it was interrupted by boredom and more boredom. That's the problem with flashing back to the beginning of a story! All of that explication was unnecessary! I don't care what Dead Water's motives were for killing the people he killed! Aquaman could have simply found out the name of his previous employer, realized it was The Scavenger, and begun the chase! Maybe I really should be editing this comic book!

The chase is pretty boring too. Basically Aquaman searches Scavenger's old bases until he finds him and then the comic book ends with the cover image. Also Dead Water got out of the dehydration chamber by crying. See, he wasn't really able to cry but he finally got so sad that he managed it. So Aquaman is having trouble with Scavenger and Mera is having trouble with Dead Water and I'm having trouble liking Aquaman.

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Batgirl #43

Those tigers are probably so confused having to work together. "We aren't lions, asshole!" is probably what their union representative would roar.

Dear Diary,
What a couple of days! Who's going to pay to have the tiger slobber dry cleaned out of my ripped up cape?! I don't have the money to pay for a new uniform or stitches! I'm still forking over a good portion of any money I earn to pay for Dinah's burned down dojo! Couldn't she have been adult enough to have had insurance?! I guess she was too busy making googly vaginas at Condom. Maybe now that she's going to be swimming in money (due to everybody in the world having a poster of her band hanging on a wall in their house which means they must have purchased the EP), perhaps she'll let me off the hook for burning up her entire wardrobe (which totally needed replacing anyway because she has major Mom Fashion Disease). Anyswayze, I should probably tell you about the tigers, Diary!

It all started with a wedding being planned by me and Alysia. It was Alysia's wedding, Diary. Don't you think you'd know if it were my wedding? You'd know by all of the entries previous to the one about planning the wedding with in-depth, detailed descriptions about my soon-to-be husband's penis and all the things I've done with it and all the places I've put it. Have you noticed any of those entries, Diary? No, you haven't. Those entries are severely lacking. Oh, sure! You have tons of entries that end mid-sentence because I've worked myself up into a frenzy and have to go visit Mr. Massagy, my Japanese shower nozzle. "Pulse on! Pulse off!" he says to me in broken English in that special way that teaches me to defend myself while I'm masturbating.

The wedding planning was interrupted by Frankie calling me about a tiger attack in Gotham! Well, okay, that's not really so surprising that it absolutely needed an exclamation point to top it off. This is Gotham City, after all. Being mauled by exotic or hybrid animals is the fifth most common way to die here. Joker gas and incompetent care for injuries suffered while committing a crime interrupted by Batman top the list. Anyswayze, I had to run off and be Batgirl, so Alysia and Jo were going to have to finish planning their own stupid wedding at which I probably won't get laid because do they even know any hot straight men? Maybe Jo's father?!

I hope Jo isn't short for Joker! No, wait. I've met Jo. I've even seen Jo's vagina splayed out over a triple letter score. Eighteen points.

Although I might not need a wedding to finally get a professional dipstick to check my vaginal fluids because guess where the tiger attack took place, Diary?

Foxtek! Hello Luke Fox! Here I come! Hopefully multiple times!

I noticed Qadir secretly watching me and Luke from down the hall, so I flirted with Luke so Qadir could see that if he doesn't make a move on me and whip that nerdy penis out soon, I was going to be taking it hard in the ass from a super hot confident guy that's, honestly, probably way too much for me to handle. Luke is so good looking that he probably has sex on a constant, accidental basis. Women's vaginas probably fall out around him all of the time. "Whoops!" the women say with their beautiful big lips and tongues that know the secrets of male orgasm better than they know the pronunciation of most words. "I'd lose my vagina if it wasn't constantly in some guy's mouth! Tee hee." Gosh how I irrationally hate all women who have had any sex at all! Why are they so lucky?! How do I get a penis inside of this vagina?! You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world the way they say guys are constantly thinking about sex. But it's never the right guy wanting to have sex with the right person (me!)! It's always that weird guy with the muffintop who thinks kissing my hand is charming! Or that guy who's shorter than me who would probably make a perfectly reasonable sexual partner for somebody who was into guys shorter than girls who are already pretty short to begin with! Or that guy who almost makes my girlhood quiver but he's got this stale kind of sour milk smell about him whenever I run into him at the coffee shop! Dude! Put on some cologne or something and we won't leave my bedroom for two weeks! And it's not like I'm overly picky! I hate when assholes point out that I could get laid any time I wanted because I'm a girl. Well, you know what? As a guy, you could get laid any time you want as well! Anybody could if they simply want to have the experience without actually being attracted to or interested in the person they choose to screw! For every five out there trying desperately to get laid by a seven, there are dozens and dozens of threes just hoping you'll give them a chance! But if a five won't give a three a chance, why are they hoping so hard to get a seven to notice them?! And what kind of five wants their first sexual experience to be with a three anyway?! I'm not saying I'm a five because that would be insulting. Have you seen my butt in this Batgirl outfit, Diary? It's a nine at least. Maybe I'm overvaluing my poon? What if I'm a three desperately trying to hook a nine?! Oh my gorkublort. Be right back, Diary!

Okay, I'm back from looking in the full-length mirror naked, Diary. I'm totally a nine (maybe a ten due to my exquisite freshness). Now I just need to find a nine who's not a cop who hates vigilantes or a one-legged car thief. Qadir might just be a six but he's a six that this nine would definitely sandbag for. I can six myself up so he feels confident enough to ask me out! I mean, if my total nine hotness fails to catch Luke's interests.

My Qadir techno-whatever checked Foxtek's system to discover that Qadir was the only one in and out of the building around the time of the tiger attack!

My flirt plan was working, Diary! And I think my Batgirl Cycle is inflatable.

Meanwhile at my work-school, I literally ran into Jeremy "Too Old For Me But A Girl's Vagina Can Dream, Can't It?" Degroot. He was being a huge jerk because he's having girl problems which could mean my vadge is in luck! How better to enter the world of promise and promiscuity than by banging an older man with experience who's totally cute and into me but having so many problems that he'll probably be all, "This was a mistake. I'm not really emotionally available to start a new relationship right now!" Although when I respond by being all, "Cool! Super cool! Can we just do that thing we did one more time before we never do it again?", he'll probably be all weird that I didn't fall in love with him and then become Mr. Super Stalker Extreme. Maybe to make sure he leaves me alone, I'll have to fake cry a bit when he says we can't have a romantic relationship. He might handle it better if he thinks he used me for my naive love Sarlacc instead of realizing that I actually used him for his experienced boner.

While talking with Nadimah at work-school, I overheard a news report about another tiger attack. Isn't it weird, Diary, that news programs always seem to be playing exactly the right thing at exactly the right place so that I find out the information I need for the mystery I'm trying to solve? If only my love life could be so serendipitous!

I went to investigate the second tiger attack and wound up having a bit of a confrontation with my partner and roommate instead.

I may have come off as a little bit of a control freak. Can you blame me? I was trained by Bat-Master-Control-Freak-Of-The-Entire-Freaking-Universe-Man!

Later while I ignored Alysia trying on wedding gowns (who was she kidding? She looked firking hotter than everybody in everything she tried on. She could hang a couple of doilies off of her tits and she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world. Slut!), I did some research and figured out who the next tiger was going to attack! So I rushed out to beat up a tiger! I bet Alysia and Jo would be pissed to hear I'm beating up endangered animals! Or maybe not because it might turn out that Jo was behind the whole tiger attack thing as some kind of crazy protest slash art installation! Her name is half of The Joker's name, remember? Remember how I pointed that out earlier, Diary? I'm just trying to seed this story with drama and tension to keep it interesting. Is the bad person somebody close to me? Is it somebody the audience wouldn't suspect?! What if it's an alternate version of me again, right? It could be! Who knows?!

Anyswayze, that fight with the tiger is why I was complaining about my outfit and skin being ruined earlier. Ugh. Battling tigers is not fun. King of the Jungle, amirite? No joke! It's almost as if somebody spent millions of years perfecting this creature so that it would be the perfect hunter! So if there is a God, let me say right now: God, you suck. Thanks for making an animal that's like the perfect creature to kill your chosen species. Nice one. Dick.

And then you'll never believe what happened, Diary!

Frankie like totally blamed Jeremy! Doesn't Frankie realize that 95% of my enemies are female? So it's obviously Jeremy's ex-girlfriend. Duh! Also Frankie stole my Batgirl cowl while I was sleeping off my tiger wounds.

To top it all off, Frankie visited Qadir while wearing my Batgirl cowl! In a much sexier outfit than my Batgirl outfit! Ew! Now my flirt game with Luke Fox is going to totally backfire because a super hot new Batgirl is actually speaking to Qadir. I'm so mad at that slut! I mean, not really because I totally love her and crap. But my vagina might never forgive her if Qadir decides he wants to bang Batgirl's Sidekick, Sexy Hot Batgirl.

I can't even blame Qadir! I'd fuck Frankie over me too! Why, as a probable Nine, do I insist on hanging around with definite Tens?!

Anyway, it turned out that Jo was involved with the tiger attacks although not in a totally bad way or anything. She and her activist group thought they were saving the tigers from some kind of horrible circus life or something. But instead, they were just being used by the newest addition to my Rogue's Gallery: The Velvet Tiger! She's actually really flipping hot and I'm totally jealous and now, because she's probably Jeremy's ex, completely too intimidated to have sex with Jeremy. If he was banging a woman who calls herself the Velvet Tiger, I'll probably be more like the Rain-Soaked Kitten. My life is the worst.

Batgirl #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Barbara Gordon knows a lot of people who get themselves involved in a lot of drama. I guess it's easier to keep Gotham safe when you're protecting it from your friends and your friends' acquaintances. At least it cuts down on all that boring patrolling Batman loves to do. I'm a fan of all the changes that have gone down with Batgirl because I'm a fan of any time a character gets to have fun. But I wish the comic book spent more time with Batgirl trying to get laid. I want to read more about how horny she is and how she never gets any. I want her to be a total embarrassing goofball that constantly fails to seal the deal because she's such a desperate nerd. I'd also like to see her engage in habits and activities that aren't nerdy cool but just plain weird and nerdy. Why can't Batgirl's secret identity just be Liz Lemon? I'd buy three copies of that comic book every month.

Grayson #2

The logo looks like a font I would have designed in third grade.

You know how I begin most of my reviews bullshitting about anything except the comic book? I've run out of stuff to ramble about. So I need readers to send in finished pieces that I can pretend I wrote and add them to future reviews. You won't get any compensation or notoriety or acknowledgment from me that you put in some extra work that I pawned off as my own. But if you're tricky, you can make the first letter of each word spell out your name! I probably wouldn't notice anything so subversive. I might add the word "fuck" to your piece a half dozen times so that it actually sounds like I wrote it. Just think of it as charity! I am a poor orphan down on his luck and out of ideas, and you're a noble, rich, sexy wordsmith that has plenty of great ideas oozing out of your butthole which you'd love to drip into my waiting maw! Mmm! Succulent stories! Nutty themes! Steamy and profound philosophical arguments!

Maybe you'll get a certificate of some kind that says you helped out! You can join the "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Club! Man, that's clever! I didn't know I could get more cleverer! But there it was! I did it! "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Genius!

Oh was it, Batman? It would have been nice to have been invited as opposed to having to just look at black and white art of the event.

The Midnighter has taken a leave of absence from Stormwatch to get his head back together after some accident defeating some jerko named Paragon. He's busy spying on Spyral for some clues to fix his brain and his number one target is Dick Grayson. He doesn't know it's Dick because Spyral has anti-facial recognition software that makes their agents faces look like reverse beer goggles.

Dick and Helena are busy searching for a guy with a cybernetic stomach somewhere in the English countryside. I don't know how they're supposed to find it. Maybe the guy's stomach pings instead of growls? Perhaps he eats batteries? Maybe Dick is going to go around punching everybody in the stomach until he breaks his fist? Or maybe he'll just stand around looking like an awkward, obvious foreigner until the woman with the metal stomach finds him, lures him into her lair, and tries to eat him.

Who are T.H.E.Y.?

Instead of battling the superspeedster cannibal, Dr. Ashemoore, Helena Bertinelli offers her a job working for Spyral. They'd have to take her stomach, of course. But she'd get a lab and all the funding she needs for her experiments. Dick wants no part in hiring a cannibal so he falls unconscious or something. It's all very technical and spyey.

And after all that spy stuff happens in which Spyral gathers up another piece of the Weather Satellite, Batman laughs.

How dare they laugh at Alfred after all he's done for them!

Grayson #2 Rating: No change. This feels like a comic book that would have been just fine if they'd let some other hero have the starring role and just left Dick Grayson alive and happy to run around as Nightwing. So they'd have to change two pages where the hero isn't able to act so familiar with Batman on the radio. Big deal! If Nightwing were still around, we'd have plenty of pages of Batman and Nightwing having touching conversations! We could even have some poignant Dick and Alfred moments. But not now! Nope! Dick's dead! Okay, he's fake dead right now. But The Midnighter is after him so it won't be long until he's real dead.

Green Lantern Corps #25

Do I have to read a Zero Year military story? Please get to the handing out of the ring quickly.

This issue begins in Detroit twenty years previously! Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men! That's nearly before the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened! I said "nearly," you nerd! Don't make me point to a dictionary definition that says nearly can be within "eight years" of the exact date. Especially because it would look weird that the definition is written in the margins in my handwriting.

It also takes place in Detroit! Holy Dick Sucking Motorcars! I don't know why I'm so surprised that it takes place in Detroit.

I just rewatched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore" and now I feel guilty that I'm not taking writing seriously. What kind of magic spell am I casting when I cause half a dozen people to read the phrase "Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men" all at the same time? Perhaps a script will manifest out of the aether for a porn parody of Pacific Rim, "Pacific Rimjob."

General Main General Man: "Why are these Battle Mech not designed according to the exact specifications our engineers demanded?"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "Really? You actually wanted them outfitted with gigantic penises?"
General Main General Man: "Of course I did! How else are we going to pacify the Giant Dick Sucking Monster Men?!"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "I thought we could just blow them up with the shoulder mounted nuclear rockets?"
General Main General Man: "Who said to add those?! Those rocket mounts are for Rocket Propelled Syringes filled with a mixture of Heroin and Ecstasy! And who the hell decided to weld metal plates covering up the gigantic, gaping anus?!"

Now I really feel like a failure! Alan Moore said to treat writing as if writing were a God! What kind of God am I worshiping here?!

In Detroit, little John Stewart asks his mom why she's got such a big mouth and she tells him a story that doesn't make any sense. And then it's only six years ago as the gigantic storm is about to hit Gotham! The Marine Corps have been dispatched to shoot poor people before they can loot from middle class people. John Stewart is among these sacred keepers of the peace.

What?! I always thought "Semper Fi" meant "full of sperm." Well, that's what it's going to mean in "Pacific Rimjob."

John Stewart and the other marines wind up in the Gotham Knights Stadium where Anarky reigns. He and a bunch of morons that don't understand that the real power of anarchy doesn't come from the ends of baseball bats and steel-toed boots disarm the marines because they're a symbol of the social, economic, political, and corporate power structure that feeds off the many. These people have spent years fighting amongst themselves as they've struggled to maintain some sort of life in the shadow of Gotham as Bruce Wayne gentrifies the city and drives the poor from one neighborhood to the next in the name of progress. But now they have a target for their hate given to them by their new leader: Anarky! Hero of the hopeless!

I tend not to have sympathy for Anarky right from the beginning because he says the government used eminent domain to buy up all the property for the Gotham Knights Stadium while also saying this was a poverty stricken district. So, more likely, Bruce Wayne and the other rich bastards of Gotham probably just offered crazy prices to the slumlords to sell off the properties which were most likely filled with renters. But Anarky wins me back a bit with his foosball speech!

I hope John gets his Green Lantern Ring soon!

I know! I know! He's never going to get his Green Lantern ring in a story taking place six years ago! Hal Jordan was barely a Green Lantern at this time! But it's a nice mantra to keep repeating over and over again to hold the entire commentary together. Except now that I mentioned it, it's lost its effectiveness and I'll be abandoning it immediately.

John and the military escape. John's commander wants to kick the crap out of Anarky's henchman and some of his underlings are ready to kill them. But John remembers the story his mother told him twenty years ago about how people in power have a responsibility not to get emotional when trying to maintain the peace. Or something. I'm only halfway through this comic book and both stories are being told at the same time! Can it get any more confusing?! In one story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the military! But in the other story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the civilians!? Who am I supposed to root for?! Is it possible I'm supposed to be on the side of . . . EVERYONE?! SHOCK!

Why is John the only person in this stadium that understands anarchy? I guess because nobody else heard his mom's story fourteen years ago!

Here's my definition of an Anarchist Society: "A place where anybody can do anything they want without worrying about some stupid cop putting a bullet in their head. But they have to worry about everyone else putting a bullet in their head all the time because there are no cops." Although, seriously, we don't live in an anarchy and we have to worry about cops and non-cops putting bullets in our heads all the time! Go USA! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

John Stewart saves the day but pisses off his commanding officer which was probably a bad move for his military career. But it was probably a good move for his civilian career as an architect! Also, Anarky gets away and Batman makes a quick cameo as he swings in close to get a quick look at Stewart's ass before disappearing back into the night. And, twenty years ago, Little Johnny Stewart learns some kind of lesson or something about power or racism or corruption or lawyers or something. I'm not really very good at learning lessons. Maybe the lesson he learned was to shoot his own dog.

Green Lantern Corps #25 Rating: No change. I think this was the most successful John Stewart has ever been if you measure success by how many people didn't die because of his inability to save them!

Stormwatch #22

I hope Jim Starlin plans on allowing Lobo to be Lobo instead of simply bringing him in as a punching bag to show how powerful Stormwatch is.

I've been reading a lot about Jim Starlin lately and his approach to Stormwatch makes a lot of sense now. He's decided more than once before that a universe needed a brand new beginning. Plus, it seemed the thing to do at Marvel in the seventies was to destroy everything the previous writer set down as canon.

Here's an excerpt about Starlin's beginnings at Marvel from "Marvel Comics: The Untold Story" by Sean Howe:

"I was just as crazy as everybody else post-Watergate, post-Vietnam," said Starlin, whose hobbies included motorcycles, chess, and lysergic acid diethylamide-25. "Each one of those stories was me taking that stuff that had gone before and trying to put my personal slant on it. Mar-Vell was a warrior who decided he was going to become a god, and that's where his trip was." In the pages of Captain Marvel, existence itself might be altered several times in the course of an issue. "There is a moment of change, then reality becomes a thing of the past!" howls the evil ruler Thanos, before everything morphs into funhouse-mirror images.

See? Jim Starlin already wrote this story for Marvel back in the seventies! Except instead of Thanos changing reality, it's the Crayola Time Lords!

That's probably enough about Jim Starlin because this commentary isn't meant for learnin' things! It's for stroking my own ego.

Last issue, Jenny Soul was tricked by the Crayola Time Lords into moving their chess piece, Lobo, into the one position on the cosmic chess board that would implement the Ebony Time Line. The Ebony Time Line seems to be the one Time Line in which Stormwatch doesn't ruin the plans of the Crayola Time Lords. Of course in The Ebony Time Line, the Crayola Time Lords all have constant severe diarrhea but sacrifices have to be made if you want to rule Omnithing!

But don't worry, loyal Wildstorm fan who DC Comics despises! Stormwatch has a plan!

This plan doesn't work.

The back-up plan is the usual Stormwatch back-up plan: beat the snot out of the problem. The only problem with that plan is that Lobo's snot can become more Lobos. At least, it used to be able to. I think The New 52 realized how insanely problematic that aspect of the character was and just made Lobo really crazy and very powerful. You can tell how crazy and powerful he is because I used such descriptive intensifiers as "really" and "very."

Stormwatch comes to the conclusion that whatever the Crayola Time Lords are up to, it's probably going to involve destroying the planet they're all on. I'd tend to agree since they stated that the formation of the Ebony Time Line will destroy everybody that knows about the Crayola Time Lords. It's a perfect plan! Except for that one flaw. It's a big flaw. A tremendous flaw. The flaw is putting the success of the entire plan into Lobo's hands.

Really, Hellstrike? Goldilocks? If it wasn't for your comment last issue about how difficult it is to run a group when two of its members are gay (and one is a child and one is a corpse), I might let it slide as a jibe merely at Apollo's hair and/or uniform. Storm Control might not mind your "off-hand" comments but I wouldn't recommend saying this shit in front of Midnighter.

I just realized Apollo's hair is white so that Goldilocks crack is more probably pointed squarely at his sexual orientation. It'll be interesting to see how this team gets along with a leader like Hellstrike that doesn't seem to have any respect for any of his team!

Apollo's attempt to move Lobo was as successful as Jenny Soul's attempt. Which is to say a complete failure. When Jenny Soul failed, The Weird made sure to tell everybody in no uncertain terms that she was out of the fight. Now that Apollo is down, Midnighter checks up on him and lets everybody know that Apollo is out of the fight. Next up on the team's attack Lobo one at a time summer fun plan, Hellstrike!

"Well, we tried! Let's grab lunch!"

Before Stormwatch can flee, an energy pulse blasts out of Lobo and into the Douli-7 Intergalactic Radio Building where it begins sending out wave after wave of odd transmissions. Lobo collapses and Stormwatch decides to stick around for a bit to see what's next.

I think Stormwatch needs to come up with some slogans for their business cards.

Stormwatch! "Your Active-Pro World Savers!* *Disclaimer: 'Active-Pro' does not constitute 'proactive' behavior.'"
Stormwatch! "Universe ending? We'll watch and wait with you!"
Stormwatch! "Plan A? Is that something like Plan B?"
Stormwatch! "We'll try our best but what are we gonna do with all these Gays, Corpses and Little Girls?!"

That last card is Hellstrike's personal card he hands out.

Back to the comic book, The Forecaster (that's the sentient slug that's taken the place of The Projectionist) checks out the AP Newsfeeds and discovers that the Caimonites and the Bruticus have all been wiped out across the entire galaxy. Lobo is now responsible for the genocide of two more races! Stormwatch slinks back to their Skywatch headquarters, bringing Lobo with them. Can we say "New Member"?

Oh! I guess we can!

How many times is Lobo going to find himself drafted into bullshit super groups and/or cosmic police forces? Did Lobo ever wear a Lantern Ring in Green Lantern?

Lobo lets the Tiny Mysterious Leader know that Lobo don't fraggin' join no nothing nohows. Which Preboot History would argue against but, well, that was Preboot History and Non-Ebony Time Line History, so Lobo is just going to have to learn all over again how easy it is to draft him into the service of others. Whenever Lobo acts like a dick, his entire bloodstream lights up with electric nano-particles and he collapses in an ever-angrier heap of anger. Tiny Mysterious Leader had better watch his back because I'm fairly certain Lobo will graciously take the full brunt of his newly electrified system for however long it takes to snap Tiny Mysterious Leader's neck.

Apollo and Midnighter enjoy some nice, relaxing exposition.

I wonder if Stormwatch is ever going to crossover with The New 52 again or if editorial simply decided it can run amok in its own, new little time line for as long as it wants. It doesn't matter to me. I just want it to be entertaining. But it would be odd to be fragmenting their whole reason for a Reboot only a year and a half in by segregating characters and titles.

Meanwhile The Engineer finally gets to make another appearance. She's checking in on Stormwatch's new Shaman, Xiomar. It turns out he's useless unless his brain has been set free from the limits of our perceptions, so he's been allowed a ration of purple buds so he can stay alert and hungry and trip the fuck out. I mean, so his pain isn't so bad and to treat his glaucoma.

As The Engineer is giving Xiomar a tour, they pass by a non-on-fire Hellstrike. Xiomar recognizes him as a gun wielding bastard. I'm assuming the bastard part simply because Xiomar is from South Africa and his memory of Hellstrike is hanging out with another white guy blasting away with an automatic. It could be Hellstrike acted the hero, being that he's not firing his gun and his eyebrow is raised in surprise, and maybe he stopped the other man from killing a bunch of people. But since I don't currently like Hellstrike, I'll assume the worst!

The Crayola Time Lords appear to Jenny Soul to let her know they need to stab a few loose ends in the face. Except Jenny turns the psychic knife around and they end up the stabbees. Stormwatch is safe from nonexistence for now. But they also know they're up against an enemy that can change the fabric of reality right out from under them. If I were Stormwatch, I'd get some new business cards printed up.

Stormwatch! "Why bother?"

Stormwatch #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I dropped Stormwatch a long way when they Rebooted simply because they were Rebooting the Reboot which seemed to be going against the rules of the Reboot! And even though I liked the characters in the previous version, I was sick of all of the in-fighting. At least this dysfunctional team is acting like a team. Also, Lobo is now a member! Yay for me and Ha Ha for all y'all Lobo Haters!

Stormwatch #21

Is this one of those 3-D paintings that were pulled off the market because they were sparking psychic abilities in the viewers?

Everybody buckle up and put on your dimension hopping safety silver cords! It's time for a trip into The Magenta Timeline!

But first, the theme song for The Great Magenta Time Line!

It's the Magenta Time Line!
Get on board!
The Magenta Time Line!
We'll ignore
The New 52 paradigm!
To a place where Ted Kord's still alive!
Amanda Waller might be thin!
And where Stormwatch can re-begin!

In the Magenta Time Line!
With Jenny Soul!
The Magenta Time Line!
There's a new Lobo!
Get on board! Just ignore! the stories that were told before!
Roaring to a new timeline where Wildstorm might survive!

In the Magenta Time Line! Oh-ee-oh!
The Magenta Time Line! Let's time warp!
The Magenta Time Line! Really time warp!
The Magenta Time Line!
OFF WE GO!

This explains so much about the Preboot Lobo!

Jim Starlin, I mean The Magenta Time Lords have a brief discussion where they try to explain why Lobo is so unexplainable. How can one character be more powerful than every other character in the entirety of the DC Universe and still manage to lose every fight against every opponent he encounters?! How can a creature regenerate from the smallest of skin cells and yet be killed by Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke? How can a creature that doesn't mind exterminating planets allow himself to be raped by Bueno Excellente and then blackmailed by Hitman who has the video of the event in multiple locations? Why wouldn't he just destroy Earth to make sure nobody ever sees the footage? Okay, that was an unfair example because it was from the Preboot years. But I'm assuming the sodomy still happened in The Magenta Timeline!

Eventually The Magenta Time Lords chalk it up to their not knowing everything even though they know everything because not knowing everything makes life worth living. Or something.

Stormwatch sends the Zealot Lizard People on their way with a hearty thank you for saving us but could you please get out of our space now. The Lizards seem nonplussed by this reaction because they're used to being turned away on people's porches when they're merely trying to pass along the good word. I think the good word is "The Bruticus are cunts." When the Lizards leave, Hellstrike decides the best next course of action is to go have some drinks at a local Douli-7 bar.

We also find out that Jenny Soul is sixteen. So the year in the Magenta Time Line must be 2017 since Century Babies are born on the first day of the new century. Or Jim Starlin made a huge mistake! Or things work differently in the Magenta Time Line! Oh man. What a genius! I can't point out any mistake by Jim Starlin because he can just reply (while wagging his finger in my face), "Unh unh unh! Magenta Time Line! Things are different!" The man is bulletproof!

Unluckily for Stormwatch, Lobo is currently in the bar they just entered! Luckily for Stormwatch, he doesn't seem to know he's supposed to kill them.

The Magenta Time Lords were trying to keep Lobo sedated because he's a loose cannon (that's a cannon that doesn't mind how many balls are shoved down its throat). Looks like Lobo can keep himself sedated though.

The Magenta Time Lords decide the best way to deal with Stormwatch is a barroom brawl. So they mind fuck the Bruticus and the Caimonites so that they'll assault and kill Stormwatch. The Magenta Time Lords are stupid. Just let Lobo off his fucking leash! He can kill them all! Although he was beaten once before by Jenny Quantum in another colored Time Line, so Jenny Soul might be more than a match for him.

When Hellstrike says "a couple of alternative lifestyle types," I'm fairly certain he meant "faggots." I'm just saying it reads more realistically and truer to the crux of his lament that way. I'm not saying I approve! I'm a fucking critic, okay?! I have to point out flaws! Be confident in your portrayal of your characters! Let them be themselves! Who else but a bigoted asshole would think of Apollo and Midnighter as "alternative lifestyle types" before thinking of them as "bad-assed ass-kicking bad asses out to kick major ass"?

While Stormwatch fights the two nobody alien races, Lobo stumbles out of the bar. The Weird and Jenny Soul follow him so that Jenny can enter his mind and read his emanations! But she's only sixteen! She's going to lose so much innocence going into Lobo's mind!

Inside Lobo's head is the trap set by the Magenta Time Lords! They're waiting behind his frontal lobe and ambush Jenny Soul! The Magenta Time Lords lay out a bunch of bullshit to Jenny Soul in the hopes that she'll buy what they're selling. Only one time line exists where Jenny Soul will not ruin the Magenta Time Lords' plan. So the Magenta Time Lords tell her a great big lie about Lobo destroying the universe in every time line except one. Hey! Guess which one that will be! To get Jenny Soul to create the one time line she probably shouldn't create, they tell her Lobo needs to be in a specific place at a specific time. And then they send her back to make her decision. And the little dope goes with the Magenta Time Lords' plan. Well, who wouldn't trust a guy with a flaming face that proclaims he's saving billions of people by manipulating timelines while ignoring all of the lives that never get to exist because of his machinations?

Does this mean they're double crossing Lobo as well? That won't end well.

Stormwatch catches up with Jenny as Lobo begins to channel some mysterious energy. They decide that the best thing to do is wait around and see what happens instead of maybe killing Lobo or moving him from the exact spot he supposedly needed to be in. Meanwhile the Magenta Time Lords begin crowing about how they're now instituting their best time line ever: The Ebony Timeline!

Stormwatch #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. Goddammit! So now they won't be the Magenta Time Lords anymore? They're the Ebony Time Lords? Or should I simply have referred to them as the Crayola Time Lords? And Lobo is being seriously underutilized here! I hope he helps defeat the Crayola Time Lords and is offered a job with Stormwatch. That would be entertaining. For me! And probably not entertaining for thousands of people who fucking hate Lobo.

Katana #3

I thought the second half of the cover would say "...while sodomizing her dog is just fucked up, man."

I have no comment about The Creeper oozing out of Katana's broken katana because I'm hoping that this cover is a big lie and none of it actually takes place.

At the end of last issue, Katana was being dragged back to Gotham City by Steve Trevor to deal with Catwoman. But I haven't read Catwoman because Catwoman references Justice League of America #3. Justice League of America #3 seems to be the first of DC's comics to be delayed. Hopefully Katana will just continue along in this comic book as if her trip to Gotham never even happened. Nocenti isn't a very good writer so it's possible she forgot Katana even went on that interlude, even though Nocenti is also writing Catwoman. When a writer fucks up causality enough times, I can't begin to guess what they're going to write next.

The issue begins with some dragon guy entering town because he wants Katana's katana. This guy probably isn't Killer Croc which means it's possible he's Fin Fang Foom's DC Cousin from the Speedy and Starfire issues of DC Universe Presents. Or maybe he's an entirely new dragon/crocodile/alligator villain. This may be racist to scaly skinned reptile people but they all look alike to me.

That part was a little bit confusing because I don't know who the dragon guy is. But at least I know he wants Katana's sword because it killed the last dragon a long time ago. But the next part is just stupid. Katana is working the sake bar run by her landlady. Apparently the sake bar is also a bowling alley. Well that's got to be fucking annoying! I'm pretty sure Katana's apartment is next door to this place. That isn't the confusing part though.

Some guy named Two Pin forces another guy in a business suit to drink. They then mention something is going down at a boat graveyard concerning The Dagger Clan but neither of them mention what it is. And then Two Pin gets up to go bowling telling the business suit guy to continue drinking alone even though he never drinks. It's at that point when the landlady sends Katana to follow Two Pin into the backroom so Katana can "earn her keep." So Katana goes in the bowling alley and throws a bowling ball on Two Pin's feet. And then the scene changes.

Why the fuck does any of this happen?!

After this nonsense, Tatsu buys a spiral sword like Coil's sword. On her way home, the Drunken Master takes the sword from her and teaches her how to use it. Now she just has to practice for ten thousand hours to master it.

This makes no sense. She already defeated Coil but then she let him go to run around the San Francisco Zoo like a fucking idiot. I guess she knew she couldn't win unless it was with the stupid fucking slinky sword.

After Katana fails at learning to control the Slinky Sword, she makes a raid on the Dagger Clan using the information about the vague something that she got from the drunk guy that deserved to have his feet smashed by a bowling ball for some reason. And what's her goal on this raid? To "fight them to judge their numbers and skills." A lot of villains like to use this plan! They attack a super hero simply to find out the hero's strength and tactics.

I hate this fucking plan. Stop fucking attacking people you're not sure you can defeat only to find out if you can defeat them! Or to get information so that you can defeat them the next time you attack them. It's one of the many stupid fucking plots that comic books should shove in a vault and throw away the door knob. The problem with this stupid plan is that if you can defeat the enemy, then fucking defeat the enemy immediately. You don't need to judge their strength because you'll defeat them as you're judging them. But the other reason it's stupid is that if you can't defeat them while you're judging their strength, they're going to defeat you and your whole plan is over. Say the plan does work and you do get the information on their tactics and get away. Guess what? They just saw your tactics too! Sure, you could have been using false tactics but then you don't know what their style of fighting and their strengths are against your real tactics so you haven't gotten much information anyway.

Katana gets into the fight with the Dagger Clan and quickly learns that they don't have invulnerable shins. She cripples a bunch of them immediately and makes some stupid assumptions as to how they'll act. And then she learns something very important about their numbers and skills: they're better than she is with the amount of them there are.

Why does he say this? Is it sexual innuendo? Does he actually want her to work as a waitress in one of his bars? If that's it, how does he know she's a waitress since he can't know this is the woman that threw a bowling ball at him earlier.

Killer Croc (yes, it's Killer Croc) climbs aboard the ship and saves Katana from the Dagger Clan which he hired to lure her here. But he just wants her sword so I'm not sure why he doesn't just let them kill her.

Oh yeah. Because even Killer Croc believes that stupid bullshit about Crocodiles preferring rotten meat. Fuck you, Ann Nocenti. All you do is fill your comic books with stupid facts and you can't even get those right.

Killer Croc manages to bite Katana's sword, shattering it so that the surprise ending isn't actually a surprise because it was on the cover as a surprise. And apparently The Creeper that is ejected from the shattered sword claims to have been acting as Katana's husband all along. That's the worst lie ever. Since a bunch of other souls also escaped, it's obvious the sword actually does steal souls. And since all the souls in the sword would have heard Katana speaking to Maseo, any one of them could claim that they were pretending to be Maseo when Katana heard the sword talking back.

Who is The Creeper going to possess with Jack Ryder having become monster food in The Phantom Stranger?

Katana #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sure Maseo's soul is still in the broken blade. And the blade will be fixed by The Drunken Master since Katana realized earlier that he smelled like a blacksmith and he lied about making trinkets and bells. Also, Ann Nocenti is a worse writer than Scott Lobdell. This comic book is some of the smelliest excrement I've ever witnessed in my life full of various encounters with excrement. This one is the worst. Even worse than a toilet bowl the morning after Jalapeno and Linguiça Pizza night.