Deathstork the Terminator #3 (May 2026)

If that's how Slade sees the world, he needs a new fucking mask.

Deathstroke the Terminator #3 (May 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomenico
Edited by Brittany Holzherr and Marquis Draper

When we left Deathstork last issue, he had just been confronted by Deathblow and Deadshot. But for some reason not Deadborn. You'd think Deadborn would get more love what with having a fucking stupid fucking name. If I were writing Deathstork, he'd be first on my list as Deathstork's new nemesis. We'd learn his secret identity is Johnny Truant and he was actually stillborn but his mother's love and her story of his life (or maybe his Elseworld's life as some jerk named Navidson) somehow made him real. His catch phrase would be "Etch a Pooh air!" and he'd speak in multisyballic words because he'd read the Oxford English Dictionary so many times. Deathstroke wouldn't be able to kill him because he was more ghost than physical person. The only way to defeat him would be to find his mother and kill her. Or find the letters she sent to her blind friend and old lover, Zampano, and burn them. But then he'd find the real monster behind it all was a massive werewolf called Redwood! Also Deathstroke would groom a few minors during the run, just to keep his character tied to his canonic lore.

But back to reality (reality being this comic book I'm reading), you'd think with three guys who love guns and have dead or death in their name, they'd wipe each other out in a matter of seconds. But, surprisingly, these assholes talk a lot. Deathstork is all, "Who killed Wintergreen?!" And Deadshot is all, "Hey buddy! What're you up to?" And Deathstork is all, "Who killed Wintergreen?!" And Deadshot is all, "Why don't you surrender, buddy?" And Deathstork is all, "*waugh waugh waugh* Who killed my father . . . I mean Wintergreen?!" And Deathblow is all, "I love guns!" And then Deadshot reveals the big revelation! No, not who killed Wintergreen. But that Slade apparently knows who killed Wintergreen! What a twist!

I think maybe I suggested at some point that Slade was hunting himself because the guy he was after had all the same attributes as Slade (divorced, middle-aged, male, pedophile) and that maybe Slade wanted a real challenge so he did one of those Philip K. Dick mindwipes so he could hunt himself. Is that what's going on?!

Nobody would be fucking surprised if Deadman joined in with all the other Dead/Death/Noun/Verb guys.

How has this series made it three issues without somebody in editorial threatening to fire the letterer if they don't fucking change the fucking Goddamned fucking font?!

You may not have noticed this detail in the scanned panel above because of the coloring and the diminished size so I'll zoom in for a better look:

Who the fuck is Deathblow aiming at?!

Three of the deadliest psychopaths with guns and after several pages of fighting, nobody has been shot. How am I supposed to buy into this?! These guys are super good at shooting other people but also they're super good at not getting shot by other people who are super good at shooting people? Am I to believe that they're honoring some strict code that doesn't allow them to shoot other people mercenaries so instead they just punch each other in the face a few times and yell non-sequiturs?

What's outside the bounds? What's unacceptable? What code? Were Deadshot and Deathblow created by Ann Nocenti because I don't know what the fuck they're talking about!

In answer to Slade's very astute question, "What are you talking about?", Deadshot answers, "Rule #1, Slade!" Oh! Okay. I get it! They're talking about Fight Club. But Rule #1 is you can't talk about Fight Club so it's really confusing when you have to beat the shit out of somebody who broke Rule #1 and talked about Fight Club.

Deathbro don't miss, dude!

Oh, he doesn't?

Look, you can't be certain that "BANG" sound effect was Deathblow's gun! It may have been from when they knocked him backwards!

Hmm, I'm arguing with myself. I think I might have a Deadman situation here.

Christ this fight is choreographed worse than a Tony Daniel fight written and drawn by Tony Daniel. You'd think if you were writing the fight you were drawing, it'd be easy to translate for the reader. They'd see all the beats, understand how the characters are moving and attacking, easily decode the movements throughout. But you'd have to think one or two more times if it was Tony Daniel writing and drawing. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he'd gotten better at it since The New 52. I've never felt the desire to pick up another one of his comics after having to read his Detective Comics. You remember? The one where The Joker cut off his own face for reasons that I'm sure they eventually got around to explaining.

So after five pages of confusing fighting and dizzying dialogue, the story slips into a flashback to explain these rules they're arguing over. Rules set up by Deathstork so that maybe he could get Adeline off his fucking back.

Two rules? That's it?!

Adeline doesn't give a shit about the family rule because her sons are already dead. And I guess Slade didn't give a shit about Rule #1 because Deadshot's accusing him of breaking Rule #1. I think maybe in the first issue, Slade went a little tiny bit against the wishes of the client by making a massive spectacle of the kill when he blasted out of the sixth floor of a parking garage in an armored vehicle spraying the whole Goddamned fucking city with poorly aimed bullets. Although they should be talking about Rule #2 and how Slade groomed Terra to get at the Titans and since the Titans consider themselves family, his fucking a minor went against the spirit of Rule #2. Not to mention the actual physical embodiment of, like, um, real, actual statutory rape laws.

Oh wait! There were more rules but they weren't important to the story yet! Rule #3 needs to be mentioned right around when Deadshot and Deathblow are going to kill Slade for free.

"No freebies in the limousine that's not what it's about" -- the Goddess Pink

I hope this becomes one of those comic books where we get a new rule every fucking issue for the next 100 issues.

Wait! Let's get back to Pink and her song, "Respect". I don't expect high-minded philosophical dialogue on a Pink album, especially one where she has a song about how volunteering to feed the homeless is her Vietnam. I mean, um, Pink? PINK?! Did you have nobody around to explain a bad idea to you?! Her song respect feels like a lot of trite dumb bullshit about how women shouldn't be putting out unless they're in some kind of relationship or they're getting something out of it or whatever. But there's a line in there that I think is the heart of the idea and I'm all for it, no matter a person's gender: "Respect is just a minimum." That is followed by "Go on, girl, and get you some!" So, see, Pink wants her girls to be out there fucking and enjoying themselves. But respect being the minimum doesn't sound like a bad rule to follow.

Or maybe I'm wrong? I know I wouldn't mind getting laid by some hot piece of ass who treated me like dogshit. At least I'd be getting laid!

My favorite line on the album, Mizundaztood (I don't know how to spell it or how many fucking Zs she used!) is this one: "What good am I to you? If I can't be broken?" Fuck that's great! Yumyumyummyyum!

Deadshot begins talking too much yet again while Deathblow stands there stupidly with his gun out which gives Deathstroke's healing factor time to kick in so that he can use his super dexterity and speed to leap at Deadshot and slice his guts open before Deathblow can even get an unmissable shot off. Plus more rules!

Oh! This is why they can't tell Slade who sent them or who killed Wintergreen. No snitching is in effect!

By the way, those three shots missed.

During the fight, the mysterious young person who is good with computers so maybe's it's Oracle calls Deathstork with some news: Wintergreen's body wasn't found at the scene. Some mercenary is searching for both Slade and Wintergreen and not caring about leaving evidence of their search. Deathstroke has an idea who it might be. Rose, maybe? That's too obvious though, right? Adeline? Anyway, Slade takes out Deadshot and Deathblow with a knife because when you fight with a gun, you simply expect to win against a knife. And that's when you always lose! I think there's a Biblical passage about it somewhere. If I knew The Bible, I'd find it and quote it but I'd probably spend more time flipping around the Bible than Russell Brand on Piers Morgan's show. I think it was something like "Let he who shoots the first bullet die by the sword and also Samaritans suck, man. Just the worst people. Fucking awful."

It's on your back, stupid.

While Deathstroke helps Deathblow look for his gun, Deadshot walks up and shoots Deathstroke in the good side of his face! Luckily his armor takes the brunt of the damage as it's blown apart because as we've seen before, his eyes don't regenerate. Just before Deadshot pulls the trigger one final time, point blank in Slade's face, he lets Slade know who killed Wintergreen. And let me tell you, it's not the most surprise twist ending anybody's ever read. It's the most expected thing Deadshot could have said.

"Holy fucking shit I just shit myself from surprise and shit!" is what I would have said if Batman had been revealed to have killed Wintergreen. But not Slade. Slade was the main line in Vegas.

The Ranking!
Is the killing of Wintergreen, along with the killing of Alfred, some kind of message DC's trying to send to its long time fans? "We don't need you old fuckers no more! Get the fuck out, man!" I have a feeling this entire story line is just going to be some elaborate Escape Room puzzle that Wintergreen set up for Slade's birthday. It'll end with Slade arriving at some dark warehouse where all the people he battled, as well as Wintergreen, alive and well, will pop out of the dark and scream, "Surprise!" Of course you don't surprise Deathstork like that so they'll all get shot in the face and it'll be the worst party ever, especially when Slade sees the blood leaking out of his giant cake and looks inside to see three dead fifteen year old girls in Terra costumes. Then Slade will shrug and quote Rule #6: "Never scare a man with a gun and super reflexes."

Deathstork the Terminator #2 (April 2026)

Which fucking editor gave the green light to this fucking cover?!

Deathstroke the Terminator #2 (April 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomencio
Edited by Marquis Draper and Brittany Holzherr

I'm not claiming I know how to create a successful, eye-catching comic book cover. If I knew how to be successful at even one single thing, do you think I'd spend the majority of my time criticizing every other artist in the world's hard work? You don't bitch and moan about every slightest thing when you're successful and content! But since I'm not either of those two things, how about I stop explaining why I'm such an asshole and just get on with being one? Good? Great!

Why is Slade facing away from the reader? Was there a mandate on all "Next Level" second issues to have the character facing away from the reader because Lobo was facing away too! Let me check Batwoman #2. Hmm. Unless the back of her head looks like her face, she's definitely not facing backwards. Being it's the second issue, I'm going to assume it's too late for the "This Character is Back! Get it?!" cover. So what was the decision to create a mostly orangish-red cover focusing on Slade's old man back?

I think I understand it but the road to understanding just happens to go through Whinelikeafuckingloserville. The problem with most people online¹ is that they get sidetracked in Whinelikeafuckingloserville and never come to terms with the thing they decided to shit on. They're so up their own assholes, believing they're the smartest piece of shit in every room and that their instincts are so great that a first impression is the only impression they'll ever need, that they misunderstand the entire world around them. But unlike them, I won't stop at "This cover is shit!" because I'm wrong about everything.

We can't see Slade's face because he's sad, guilty, and probably slightly irritated. He's removed his mask in exasperation at his failure and mourning at the loss of his friend. The orangish-red color mixed with black suggest anger and depression. We also realize that Slade's life has become so entirely focused on violence that his shower has been turned into a weapon arsenal.

He is in the shower, right? This is how I stand in the shower every morning as I contemplate the sad orgasm that just trickled out of my tired body, a metaphor for my need to find joy in life but ultimately find only monotony and despair and semen. Although I seldom wear my pants and pouch belt when I'm showering so I could be wrong. Maybe Slade's shirtless because his shirt is attached to his mask! Yeah, that's probably it.

This issue begins immediately after Slade was blown up at the end of last issue. The soldiers who blew Slade up weren't told that he's got the most powerful healing factor in the DC Universe so when he pops out shooting at them, they all shit their pants and die. Meanwhile, Slade has a flashback to "Years ago" just after he lost his eye.

Back then, Wintergreen recommended that Deathstork murder his wife. So I guess it's good that woman-hating bastard is dead!

I mentioned in my "review" of Issue #1 that I own every series of Deathstork ever published. But that doesn't mean I remember them all! But I think what happened was Adeline was angry that Slade got Grant killed and Joseph's throat cut and she was all, "I should probably hire some people to kill him!" And then she failed or something but managed to take his eye as a reminder to Slade that he got most of his kids killed. Maybe she even pulled the trigger herself! Like I said, my brain sucks donkey dong.²

Deathstork confirms a few panels later that Adeline blew his eye out onto the coffee table because Slade was responsible for their son Grant's death. So my brain mostly remembers stuff. Just not clearly. I wonder if I let too much ocean water into my ears when I was younger and it brined my brain? Stupid Pacific Ocean!

After the memory is over, Deathstork kills all of the soldiers trying to arrest him. None of them can tell him who killed Wintergreen and robbed him blind. So he shoots them all in their ignorant faces in a way that says, "Let's see Batman ignore this!"

When did this turn into a Grendel comic? I wonder if the Pander Brothers can sue for this layout?

I think those boxes were actually too big for the Pander Brothers to sue. Imagine if you could sue other people because they use your stylistic layouts? Keith Giffen would get rich off of all the other nine panel pages out there! At least until he was sued by Sherwood Schwartz³.

You know what? Ignore all that if it wasn't the Pander Brothers who did all those small box bits in Grendel. That might have been Matt Wagner himself! Man, I should probably do research before making pop culture references that my pickled brain only half remembers. Stupid Picklific Ocean!

Deathstork limps away from the base he just broke into, bleeding out and on the verge of dying. Or just passing out, I guess, since his healing is so good⁴. As he does so, he radios somebody he doesn't usually radio because Wintergreen is the guy he usually radios. The guy on the other end of the call keeps quipping and being funny and makes a joke about Batman kicking his ass. I hope it's Dick Grayson⁵, especially after he's all, "You were on a blind drop?! But that's against all ethical and moral rules! I can't help you if you're out there murdering probably innocent people and all of the innocent soldiers guarding him and two sexy young ladies too!" But Deathstork is all, "Look. Just fire up the Bat computer and get me some information about this client that just killed Alfred's best friend and stole all of my money!"

Whoever's at the other end of the call won't help Slade until Slade pays him and currently Slade has zero dollars. Which means Deathstork's going to have to go on r/INeedSomebodyKilledFast and take a few jobs to get back on his feet. But first he has to get back on his feet. Which should happen sometime after he passes out and/or enjoys a recent memory of having breakfast with Rose as she chastises him for being a murderer. But before he can finish the memory or click "ACCEPT" on the job, his safehouse is attacked by more soldiers. But that's okay because Deathstork can't be killed by normal soldiers! It doesn't matter how many guns or rockets or grenades or tanks they have because Slade has a sword!

Swords don't run out of ammunition!

Luckily for the client (but not for all of the soldiers because Slade killed them all), not everybody hunting Slade is a normal soldier.

Whew. I'm glad they put the text on there because I never would have remembered Deathblow's stupid name!⁶

The Ranking!
It's only been two issues so I don't mind that they keep teasing the reveal of the person behind Wintergreen's murder. I think most people would expect it would play out like this without a reveal but there are more than the one way to keep people hooked. A reveal at the end of the first issue wouldn't have been terrible because just revealing Slade's antagonist would draw people back for the eventual confrontation between them (assuming it was an exciting enough reveal!). That's usually my choice but I think it takes a bit more confidence for a writer to not lead the reader on. The mystery always seems like the easier way to draw people in. I don't think that's true but in this case, it's fine! The story's working, Deadshot has been revealed for next issue (and Deathblow, I guess!), and I'm even more curious about the young chin (male or female? I'm not sure!) that Slade was attempting to get help from than I am about the main antagonist! The person Slade called for help was really worried about Slade breaking a bunch of rules Slade made by asking this person for help. Does that mean this person is a young woman whom Slade is legally not supposed to be within 300 feet of?!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I could probably have omitted this word.
² Lucky brain.
³ That's a The Brady Bunch joke!
⁴ Except when it comes to eyeballs.
⁵ But it's probably Jason Todd. Which will be okay because he's not being written by Scott Lobdell.
⁶ If you love Deathblow and hate that I think his name is stupid, just replace that caption with this one: "It looks like Deadshot has fleas!"

Deathstork the Terminator #1 (March 2026)

If Deathstork were actually any good, he wouldn't need laser sites to aim. Shit. Was that ableist? Does he need them because he only has one eye?! Oh, who cares. He's a pedophile!

Deathstroke #1 (March 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomenico
Edited by Marquis Draper and Brittany Holzherr

• I guess March is Anti-Hero Month at DC Comics because alongside Lobo, they've also released BatmanButWithTits¹ and Paedo the Terminator. It was probably a good move because idiots like me² figure as long as they're in the store picking up Lobo #1, they might as well pick up Batwoman #1 and Deathstork the Terminator #1 as well.

• While doing a little research to see if I've collected every volume of Deathstork that exists to date (I have), I noticed that this series was Volume 2 of Deathstork the Terminator and not Volume, I don't know, 3? 4? of simply Deathstork. In essence, this is a sequel to the early '90s series where Deathstork got to participate in Total Chaos and was almost outshined by a ginger troll from the future who loved to say, "Cheese this!" Boy, wasn't that an exciting time for Titans fans! Evil Nightwing! Rapist Mirage! Terry Long creeping out another generation of teenagers! Terra back to tempt Paedostork!

• I'm going to read this entire comic book while picturing everybody naked. Especially if Wintergreen is in it. I mean Rose Wilson! I fucking meant Rose Wilson!

• Oh, I'd also like to point out that I think Rose Wilson is 50-something so don't start talking about pots and kettles, you jerk! Rose was conceived while Slade was in Vietnam, right? So, you know, do the math! I mean, have your smart phone do the math! We're "All In", baby, and that means whatever happened in the DC Universe happened! Rose Wilson just looks young because she's full of super soldier semen. I mean serum.

The DC Wiki has a long list of Rose Wilson's powers but "talking while drinking" isn't one of them. I should update it!

• I wonder how many times Billy and Alfred have stood around smoking cigars and shaking their heads as they watched their "Masters" beat the shit out of each other? I bet they're best friends!

• Why's everybody in the Deathstork universe have white hair?

• Oh, I should finish Rose's thought for her from that last panel! She finishes her statement with "He's a killer." Well, I'm glad somebody isn't delusional about Slade Wilson! I mean, she's delusional in that she probably doesn't think he's a Paedo but, well, you know. All in, baby!

• I've often had people scream at me online in their defense of Deathstork, claiming he's not a pedophile at all. But did you read that part about how I have every single run of Deathstork comics?! You can like the character and still acknowledge that he knowingly groomed and fucked an underage girl. And don't buy into Marv Wolfman's whole thing about Terra seducing Slade! Marv had some weird ideas about older guys and younger women. Also weird ideas about demons from other dimensions that super loved rape. He also once looked me straight in the eyes and said, "There will be an animated Elfquest movie." Okay, maybe not straight into my eyes and more like straight into the ears of everybody in the room at that panel at Comicon. But it felt like he ripped out my soul when that movie never materialized.

• Why was Marv Wolfman talking about an animated Elfquest movie? I don't remember the particulars but I think he was involved with the Pinis somehow trying to get it done. I don't think I'm remembering that wrong although I very well could be. I should also blame the Pinis for ripping out my soul but then they didn't create Terry Long so I can easily forgive them.

• Later that evening, Deathstork's on a job to murder somebody for money. He doesn't know who he's murdering for money because he gets extra money for murdering unknown people because it's harder to look Batman in the eye and say, "I'm not a villain! I'm an anti-hero! Like your dead sidekick!" Because you can't have the word "hero" anywhere near your name if you're fucking underage girls. I mean if you're murdering people without any knowledge of the people you're murdering. He's just taking the word of a person with a bunch of money that he's murdering a terrible person. Hell, maybe Slade doesn't even have to tell himself the world's a better place because he killed somebody. He just has to know the numbers keep going up in his bank account.

Oh look! Slade's actively making the world a worse place by killing a whistleblower!

• The typeface used in this series is going to drive me fucking batty. It's just too small! When I shrink a longer panel down to 600 pixels to fit within my blog's boundaries, it becomes really hard to read. Stupid Wes Abbott! Use Bold Arial or something so I can see it clearly!

• To make sure this first issue is super exciting, Tony Fleecs writes in a scene where Deathstork rides atop an armored car as it crashes off the eighth floor⁵ of a parking garage and into the middle of a special forces escort protecting his target. Slade's left hand holds his staff which is pressed down on the accelerator of the vehicle leaving him to shoot his semi-automatic rifle one-handed. He can do all of this because he's a super soldier and also because he's a comic book character but mostly because Tony Fleecs sat down to write this script and thought the answer to the question, "Should this be in any way believable, even as a comic book?" was "No! No! By all the Gods in Heaven, NO!"

• Deathstork explains to Wintergreen that the people he's killing who were just paid to protect a whistleblower don't mean anything to him. He doesn't hate them. He doesn't pity them. He barely even thinks about them as he cuts them all down and ends their one and only existence. But he does despise the people who pay him to kill people because they're all, "Do it this way! Don't do it this way!" Wintergreen is all, "I think that's what's called 'being employed'?"

• I'm glad to see Fleecs writing Deathstork as the sociopath he truly is. The only problem with having a monthly comic book about a villainous sociopath is that there's no motivation other than to watch them be awful monsters. That's why the bartender in Lobo #1 had that bit about some "honorable reason" needing to be "shoehorned" into their motivations. There's a big difference in an anti-hero monthly and a villain monthly. I thought I would enjoy Giffen's Eclipso monthly back in the early '90s and, hoo boy, let me tell you: booooooooooo-ring. Just nowhere to go, man! Aside from Eclipso walking around outside the panels on the pages, there wasn't much more to enjoy. Hopefully Deathstork, having a bunch of human connections in his life that he has to navigate, will allow for more drama and story fodder. Eclipso was just sitting on the moon being mad at stuff.

• Although as I say all that, I'm sure Deathstork will have some weird change of heart when he sets his eyes on the client for the first time. Probably be a clone of himself or something and he'll be all, "Wait? What?! I have to kill myself?! But, but, existentialist crisis!"

Well, if these are the kind of self-preservation at any cost assholes that Deathstork's killing then I'm not going to think much about them either. Have fun, Slade!

• During Deathstork's assault on the compound where the target's being held, he's mentally composing a letter to Rose to apologize for being a murderous piece of shit father. I threw in the "murderous" there to distinguish him from all the other piece of shit fathers out there who didn't have to resort to murder to be truly awful. Deathstork's barely exceptional even if he got two out of his three kids killed. Lot of deadbeat dads out there who'd rather hate other men than love their kids.

• Deathstork kills a lot of random men and then he's knocked to the ground by a couple of non-random women.

Weren't these two in Resurrection Man? Enh, I'm probably thinking of somebody else and somebody else.

• Deathstork sets up these women and their "Body Doubles, bitch!" entrance by saying this: "Wintergreen, I've only got one eye . . . how is it that I'm seeing double?" But that would only work if the two women in Body Doubles looked identical. Which they absolutely don't. Which means Tony Fleecs only wrote that line to set up their "Body Doubles, bitch!" introduction to Slade. This is worse plotting than having an assassin ride an armored car through the air while shooting a semi-auto rifle with one hand!

• The dark haired woman of the Body Doubles duo probably shouldn't be dressed so Lolita-esque because now Deathstroke is going to want to fuck her.

See?! He's so gross! I can't wait to buy more of his comics!

• Wintergreen gives Slade some intel on the women in Body Doubles. They're names are Carmen Leno and Bonny Hoffman. They have healing factors. He doesn't give their ages which Slade wouldn't give a shit about anyway, I guess, so, well, Wintergreen knows the important stuff to pass along.

• One of the Body Doubles stabs Slade in the heart which causes him to see his life flash before his eyes. Grant. Joseph. Adeline. The young girl he groomed. You know, Tara! Say her name, right?! TARA! Was Tara Terra's actual name? Seems like a bad choice. Especially since she was a famous princess and everybody would be all, "She seems familiar?" Then she'd be all, "I'm Terra!" And everybody would be, "Oh! Yeah! Tara Markov! That's why she looked so familiar!" And she'd be all, "No, no! I said, 'Terra!' T. E. R. R. A. Dammit!"

• Slade remembers that he has a healing factor and stops seeing his life flash before his eyes. Then he stabs and shoots the Body Doubles before kicking in the door leading to his actual target. Who will it be? What will be the big reveal?! A Caucasian father! Divorced. Three kids! Will it just be a fucking mirror?!

Surprise! It's Alfred's best friend!

• I hope that note is from Batman! But it's probably from Red Hood. Or, you know, Rose, maybe? Would Rose do this to Wintergreen? Of course she wouldn't! It's got to be, um, resurrected Joseph! Or resurrected Grant! Or resurrected Adeline! Or resurrected Tara! The only suspects Deathstork knows are all dead.

• It could be Memento Slade Wilson! Maybe he's trying to get himself to feel anything at all by taking a fuck-ton of Ambien every night so that he disassociates and then gives himself terrible experiences to ignite his feeling sensors! Seems like a lot of work when he could just go out and rent Pig.

• Wintergreen has been dead too long for Slade to do the kissy kissy of life on him. Later, Slade discovers that all his accounts have been drained of cash. His Gotham Bank account. His Deathstork, Inc account. Even his account at the Bank of Markovia which seems a little, um, inappropriate. Why's he gotta bank there after all this time?!

• So somebody used Wintergreen to steal all of Slade's money because Wintergreen had access to it all. If this were a movie, it would have to be Rose because she's the only other character in the comic book. Aside from Body Doubles but I think they were just there to establish some early nemeses for this ongoing series. Deathstork versus two nubile women who also have healing factors! So paedo!

• The issue ends with the person who has been talking to Deathstork this entire time pretending to be Wintergreen saying, "Tick tick, Slade." Then the room explodes. Slade lives but he ends his internal missive to Rose saying something like, "You said I was a killer. But now I'm worse than a killer because everybody stole everything from me and Wintergreen, who kept me in check, is dead and I haven't groomed a young girl in a long time! The world is going to rue the day, bitches!" That's when I stood up and applauded!

The Ranking!
How was this this good? Did I forget DC could publish good new comics after injecting my veins with Pure New 52 for five years (or was it six? How long did they give it before they were all, "Can we get Superboy to punch this universe too?"). I imagine whoever just pissed off Slade won't be the most exciting reveal when it happens (unless it's Batman. I mean, that would be a fucking twist, right? Maybe it's Alfred! Or is he still dead? All in, right?!) but I think I'll continue to get this series for at least one more issue. I love loving Deathstork! I've got to admit, knowing he's a paedo makes it a little bit more exciting. It's like, "Why do I like this character so much?! I'm so naughty!" Also maybe Tara was 28 and just pretending to be 14. If Hal Jordan could have his paedo tendencies retconned with comic book nonsense, Deathstork can too, right?! Maybe Tara was a Durlan who was actually three hundred years old. That would mean she was basically the paedo! Fucking Tara. So gross!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I was going to call Batwoman "Mature Batman" because in The New 52, any book in which the main character was a woman who had sex, it received a Mature Rating. Robin was over in Batman and Robin cutting off heads left and right while Batman tsked at him but did that get a Mature Rating? No sir! That rating was saved for Catwoman enjoying a good frolic and Batwoman scissoring or whatever lesbians do in bed. I'd probably have a better idea if I knew what a woman's naughty bits looked like. I hope the term "scissoring" isn't a visually descriptive term because now I'm fucking terrified.³
² You know. Mindless guppies.
³ Oh wait! I forgot to finish my point about calling Batwoman "Mature Batman"! I didn't do that because I noticed that Batwoman #1 was rated "13+" while Deathstork #1 and Lobo #1 were rated "15+". So has DC finally realized that graphic depictions of violence are more harmful⁴ than women having a fulfilling sex life?
⁴ The term "more harmful" here just means "possibly could cause people to complain if they found their five year old reading it" and not actually "harmful" in any fucking sense of the actual meaning of that fucking word at all. Although by that definition, I think I agree with The New 52 DC in that people would probably complain more about Catwoman having an orgasm while unmarried more than Robin cutting off a terrorist's head.
⁵ That's a guesstimate!

Batman Loves The Shadow #1

Oh boy! They're so going to bat fuck!

I didn't want to buy this comic book but my local comic book shop put it in my pull box and I was too timid to tell them I didn't want to purchase it. Plus Orlando has a hand in writing it so Snyder can't fuck it up that bad, right? I really don't trust Scott Snyder to write anything interesting anymore. I should have known he was a huge fraud when he wrote Superman Unchained and he made the same mistake that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco had both made in earlier New 52 titles: he confused Antarctica with the Arctic. Plus it's Snyder's fault that I now have to read so many mediocre DC Comics written by James Tynion IV.

The second main reason I didn't want to purchase this comic book (after Snyder having a writing credit) is that I know nothing about The Shadow. I know The Shadow knows shit. But that's like all I know. According to the cover, he also uses guns. So I have a feeling we're going to get a philosophical discussion between Batman and The Shadow on the ethics of murdering criminals.

The issue begins in the French Alps where Henri Ducard guzzles wine and shows Bruce Wayne his enormous sword.

Is this comic an adaptation of an upcoming JRPG?

Bruce Wayne has uncovered a mystery that even he, the world's greatest detective, can't solve. So he's come back to Ducard for more training. I imagine Ducard will point out that he's not doing the father of the kid who murdered his kid and looks at his granddaughter with naughty eyes any favors. And then I imagine Bruce Wayne will pull out his check book and say, "Would you do it for five brazillion dollars?" Then they'll make out because drinking wine that high in the Alps always ends up in gay sex. Always.

A week previous to Bruce and Henri performing Swan Lake with their penises, a chipper man who worked at Arkham Asylum was found murdered in his house next to his two-legged dog. I suppose the readers are supposed to feel empathy for this guy because he had a handicapped dog and because he took the time to bring the various inmates at Arkham some of their favorite foods. But since he was murdered, I'm going to believe he was a fucking pedophile and totally deserved it. I'm not falling for any more authorial manipulation! Unless it's digital and rectal.

Renee Montoya is left to investigate the scene on her own so that Batman can stop by without any extraneous scenes where the cops try to arrest him.

I have to say that I'm not totally shocked to discover Batman is into necrophilia.

Batman sets up his "Bat-Ops Forensic Overlay" which is the kind of technology that would help police departments all over the country solve murders but Batman selfishly keeps to himself so that he can remain the world's greatest detective. While the Bat Ops does all of the grunt work so that Batman can pretend he used his brains to solve the murder, he's attacked by a shadowy assailant! I wonder who it could be?! If only there were a clue in the adjective I used!

Batman kicks the assailant out of the window and chases him onto a nearby roof where they can have their Good Guy Fight without Renee Montoya interrupting. Hopefully they realize quickly that they're on the same side and they're working the same case and the victim was a child diddler who most readers were all feeling sympathy for for a bit (mostly because of the poor doggy that couldn't know any better that his owner was a pervert).

Batman's combat partner says some thing about some guy named Patrick so that Batman can say, "But how do you know that?! Hunh? How do you KNOW!?" That's when the guy reveals his identity and laughs, "The Shadow knows! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Then he shows his guns to Batman and disappears before The Joker's lawyers show up with a cease and desist in regards to all of that laughing.

L'esprit d'escalier.

Batman does some investigating and discovers that The Shadow's facial features match the features of a man named Lamont Cranston who died in 1963 of cancer. The pedo dog lover victim's name was also Lamont Cranston! Duh duh DUN!

Batman's investigation eventually leads to The Shadow's hideout in Gotham City. He probably lives on a floor between the Court of Owls' floor and the 14th floor. Inside The Shadow's lair, he finds a picture of his grandfather and some weapons that match the weapon used to murder Arkham's Lamont Cranston. He also finds a training sword that matches Henri Ducard's huge fucking sword. That's why the issue began a week into the future with Bruce Wayne meeting with Henri Ducard. And now that the issue is almost over and the readers know why he's there, the narration returns to the French Alps.

After Batman lays out all the shit he found on The Shadow, he presses Ducard to help him. That's when Ducard changes shape and become The Shadow! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

The Ranking!
This was okay, I suppose. But I'd probably rather read a story where Batman teams up with a character I care something about. Who is The Shadow? I don't really know and I don't fucking care, really.

The Wild Storm #1

Why are all the spaces between issues the same? Did the graphic designer not know Warren Ellis was writing this book?

When The New 52 began, I pissed off a lot of Wildstorm fans because I trashed the books starring all of their favorite characters. Comic book fans are some of the stupidest fans on the planet. They fall in love with a character and then accept it in no matter what shitty form the company spits it back at them. Then they get angry and annoyed when I point out how terrible the Voodoo and Grifter comic books are being written, or how terribly some Wildstorm characters are being drawn by Liefeld. As if I'm attacking the character personally! Well, they shouldn't have to worry this time around because I am a professional Warren Ellis dick sucker. You won't see me say a bad word about a Warren Ellis comic book! It doesn't matter how hard it sucks because he wrote Transmetropolitan which means he gets a free pass from criticism for the rest of his life. So now when he writes Helspont (seeing as Helspont is seemingly the only major villain in Wildstorm), I'll stroke him real gentle like and say things like, "Wow! That Helspont is fucking scary! And powerful! How is Earth going to survive this next attack of Daemonites? I bet mighty Grifter with the huge cock and totally sensible bandanna-mask saves the day!" Then after Warren Ellis blows his load in my face, I'll wash up and think up some really nice things to say next month.

Right up front, I should make it known that I know next to nothing about the Wildstorm universe. I know it was terribly written when it first began (when it first really began and not The New 52 this time. Try to read WildC.A.T.s #1 now. I fucking dare you!). I know some stuff about The Authority (or Stormwatch) because Warren Ellis wrote some of that stuff and remember what I said about Warren Ellis? I also know a handful of other characters because they tried to make a go of it in The New 52 but failed. Mostly because their comic books were so fucking bad. Grifter was the worst comic book of The New 52 until somebody decided to hire Ann Nocenti.

This issue begins with a white haired woman washing blood off of her in a bathroom. It might be Zealot because she has white hair. Remember when Liefeld was drawing her in Deathstork? She looked like a Barbie Doll if you stuck it in the microwave for just under five seconds so it was slightly melted out of shape but not so much that you'd notice it on first glance. Also she was dressed as if she'd just walked out of her Jazzercise class. It was probably the worst way I could have been introduced to the character. You'll have to forgive me if I seem to hate most of these characters at first because I have no fond memories of any of them.

Oh look! She says her name in the fifth panel on the first page. Now you know when I read a comic book, I just look at the pretty pictures until I feel like I'm forced to read the words.

Zealot works for a covert team she calls Division. Apparently she gives people fatal swirlies if they do things the Division looks down on. This time, the perp was into home-brew gene editing and contraband software.

Oh! One other thing I know about Zealot is that she had red stripes on her face. Ellis begins with the blood on her face looking like the Zealot from the old Wildstorm universe. But she washes it off as if to say, "This ain't the Zealot you know, buddy-boy! This Zealot is written by Warren Ellis who already has her story planned at least two years ahead. That means her story is going to fucking mean something! Like, it'll have arcs and themes and shit! None of this half-ass flying by the seat of the pants chump monthly comic book writing bullshit that so many writers think is writing! That's just getting the work done so you can get a paycheck and call yourself a writer. But you're not really a writer, are you? If you just write whatever comes to your mind and then you have Red Hood do that without any thought to what will happen next month until the editor calls up and says, 'The artist needs some fucking pages, Scott!' Then you whip out a few pages and forget about the story until the next time the editor gets hold of you because you forgot to turn off the ringer." That's a lot to say in just a few images although it's still less than 1000 words so it was still just a summary.

Meanwhile, Voodoo and what I'm guessing are her stripper friends are planning to put up some billboards in Manhattan. I know it's Voodoo because one of her friends calls her Pris and I remember thinking about Blade Runner when I first read The New 52 Voodoo comic book.

Oh, I also would have known she was Voodoo if I took the time to read the second speech bubble in the panel before turning my attention to the blog.

Voodoo might not be a stripper this time. Or a Daemonite! She might just be a rock and roll star! She's popular enough that some guys holding hands in front of a coffee shop recognize her.

The scene shifts to the gay guys who go by the names Miles and Julian. They're Wildstorm characters who will remain a mystery to me until one of them says, "Call me by my codename, dum-dum!" Then the other one will be, "Oh yeah! I forgot that we work for Another Covert Ops Group!" Then I'll be caught up with these gays! I mean guys!

Angela Spica happens to wander by so she can call Miles "Mr. Craven." Miles Craven sounds familiar but I still don't know who it is. But I know Angela is The Engineer! I realized that without even having to see her nipples!

Angie needs more money from Miles to continue her research but he's all, "It's the weekend, dope!" And she's all, "Gah! I hate things!" Then she denies she's bleeding because she probably put some nanobots in her and she stomps away after threatening a red headed waiter named Phil. I bet he's some famous Wildstorm character too!

The point of view decides Angie is more exciting than Miles and Julian so it follows her down the street. It's a good thing it does because she comes upon a guy crashing through a window on the top floor of a skyscraper. I hope it's not the Comedian! It could be the way DC is squeezing as much Watchmen juice out of that grapefruit as they can. Angie decides it's time to get her experimental nanotechnology working and be a hero. Great! I can't wait to see her nipples!

Darn it. It looks like she's going to wear clothes this time around.

Angie's clothes disappear under her nanotech but the armor isn't as form-fitting as it used to be. Also, it has little nipple covers, just in case.

The man Angie saves is Jacob Marlowe. He's the head of Halo, some phone company or something. When he notices Angie is bleeding through her armor, he offers to help her. But she's all, "Nope! I signed some pretty crazy contracts with Miles Craven and you probably shouldn't even be looking at me this closely!" Then she flies off, leaving the point of view behind.

Jacob realizes there's a moneymaking opportunity here so he calls his personal assistant and is all, "Wake up the CAT! Those are initials that mean Covert Action Team! Unless they mean something else. Whatever, just wake the CAT up and have it find that technology for me. And this time, Adrianna, I don't want to hear about any wild CATs! Especially if they're written by Brandon Choi!"

Later, news channels all over the city report on Jacob's rescue. Two of those news channels are WGBS and the Daily Planet. That must mean the Wildstorm universe takes place on one of the unidentified Multiversity Earths, right?

Now that the news interrupted the point of view, it switches over to Miles Craven interrogating a man named Michael Cray. I think his codename is Deathblow or Killsmash or Deadpounding. He was in Grifter when Liefeld and Tieri were writing it. Unless he was in Deathstork's Villains Month issue. He couldn't have been in both though because he was white in Deathstork and black in Grifter.

Anyway, Deathblow was the guy who threw Jacob out of the window. He must have been sent by Miles and now Miles is going to give him that totally embarrassing speech that Lobo and Deathstork have never had to hear! It's the one where you begin, "So you fucking failed to do your job, you dumby!"

Cray describes how the failure wasn't his fault. His team didn't give him all of the intel! Also an exploding bomb knocked Marlowe out of the window. He didn't do anything except not blow up.

Since Cray doesn't know exactly what happened when he walked in on Marlowe, the scene shifts to Marlowe explaining what happened to him to Adrianna, his personal assistant and robot girlfriend. Maybe.

During his story, Marlowe reveals that he's not quite human and he's well over one hundred years old. He also realizes Cray has some secrets worth discovering too.

Finally, Miles Craven does some investigating and discovers his engineer, Angela Spica, is the superhero who saved Jacob Marlowe, the man he wants to kill. So now there's that to deal with.

The Ranking!
High! This is one of those comic books I'm going to have to keep notes on or else I'm going to quickly forget who is working for what organization and which organizations trust which other organizations and how many people are actually Daemonites and how does Zealot fit into the Marlowe/Craven rivalry?!

Suicide Squad #9

Lobo's expression makes it seem like DC Comics are far sexier than they really are.

That's how everybody reads pornography, right? With their tongue hanging out while sitting on surfaces that reflect light impossibly? Not that anybody "reads" pornography anymore. And by "'reads' pornography," I mean spend hours searching through the bushes in and around the local junior high school until you stumble upon some kid's hidden stash of magazines with titles that scream "This magazine has never been seen in a shop anywhere in this city so where the fuck did it come from?" My guess is that Girls Who Eat Cum and Vaginas On Mustaches were direct market magazines sold only to adult "book" stores.

This Justice League vs. Suicide Squad tie-in issue is about the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad's first mission. The team consists of Rustam, Emerald Empress, Doctor Polaris, Johnny Sorrow, and Lobo. Call me neuro-atypical but isn't Lobo enough? If you have Lobo, I don't think you need a team. You also don't need to threaten him with a bomb inside of his brain. You just pay him, wash your hands in a bowl of water being held by a Roman nearby, and get on with your life. Easy peasy!

There first mission is to stop a DC Version of North Korea from destroying the world with their new metahuman weapons.

I don't mean to be critical of Lobo's English since he's obviously ESL and who am I, a guy who knows only English, to criticize a person who has made the kind of Herculean effort to learn more languages than the one they learned almost automatically from birth BUT he really doesn't need to both start and end a sentence referencing the person he's speaking to. I will not change that to "to whom he's speaking" because that's an antiquated grammar rule which tries to force English to be more like Latin. So don't correct my English when I'm trying to correct somebody else's, you jerk!

Amanda adds one more member to the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad team: Cyclotron. In a different version of the DC Universe that isn't this one at all, Cyclotron was Nuklon's grandfather. This is before Amanda came up with the brain bombs and thought she could manipulate people by dangling gold-plated carrots in front of them. Cyclotron is probably the "brain bomb" last resort for when she loses control of these maniacs.

The Squad is airdropped into the tiny evil country where they immediately encounter the metahuman threat composed of Growth, Missile, Statue, Wind, and Island.

Bah. No man is an island.

Even though it's an obvious thing to say, I just like the rhythm of that caption responding to the panel.

During the battle, Amanda realizes that the civilian populaces are inextricably linked to their metahuman overlords. When the metahumans die, the civilians die as well. So Amanda decides maybe they should abort the mission before everybody on the island is dead. Amanda Waller of the past is soft!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad defeats the metahumans and the evil emperor. The only part of the mission left is to destroy the machine the country was using to create metahumans. Past Amanda Waller screams at them to destroy it in an emotional display which Present Amanda Waller would never succumb to. Sensing her desperation to destroy this machine, Cyclotron steps forward and proposes a better idea: the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad should use the device to take over the world themselves. For the first and last time, Amanda Waller shits herself.

That last sentence doesn't have the impact it should because I forgot to mention this story is called "The First and Last Mission of Suicide Zero."

Amanda realizes that gold-plated carrots aren't the best thing to dangle from a stick if she wants to keep people other than Lobo or Captain Carrot in check. She makes a mental note to check into the efficacy of brain bombs and then tells Rustam to destroy the machine himself. Lobo also decides he wants to destroy the machine because he's one of the smartest villains in the DC Universe in that he would rather have money than the pain in the ass bullshit that comes with ruling the world. I'm glad he said that (and Rob and Si wrote that) because it's tiresome having all these super-villains who are fighting to simply have more stressful lives. People who want power are fucking damaged idiots with low self-esteem and probably tiny hands and the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs.

Amanda Waller thinks up a new plan on the spot: double the size of the gold-plated carrot!

I'm beginning to sympathize with Lobo in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. Did Amanda renege on the promise of payment and instead stick him in The Catacombs? I suppose the story isn't over yet but Lobo may be the only member of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad with an actual beef against Amanda. Oh, and Rustam! But he's a Quraci terrorist so fuck him!

Cyclotron tries to talk his way out of being killed by Lobo. He points out how he was promised his freedom to go on this mission but now Amanda has ordered him killed. How can you trust a lying monster like that?! I mean, ignore the part where Cyclotron decided to derail the mission and stopped doing what he promised to do for his freedom. I don't think that part is important to Cyclotron's argument. I mean, sure, he's right since he was really just part of the mission so Amanda could abort it using his death (probably! I'm still not past the part where Lobo decides to kill Cyclotron! Which means he's also killing Future Nuklon, I guess! Poor baby Nuklon! Although I'm assuming Nuklon is okay since Cyclotron already had his baby girl by the time he got his powers. So good news, Nuklon fans! Nuklon will be around in like fifty years or something.).

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

I suppose everybody here should be pissed that Amanda tried to kill them all with Cyclotron's blast. But all of them except Lobo and Rustam brought it on themselves, really. I hope Lobo gets his double-sized gold-plated carrot at the end of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I bet he does. That's why he joins the Justice League of America! For the excellent pay and benefits. I mean, he won't actually get the benefits because they're only going to hire him part time. And his pay won't be that great because he's technically unskilled labor and an illegal alien. But the promise of constant violence is a nice perk!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad manage to survive the blast but they were all comatose. So Amanda built a prison for them and locked them away because they were too dangerous to have in the world. Mostly they were too dangerous to her and her future plans. Always best to just bury incriminating evidence way out in a desert. Or so I've heard.

What Did We Learn?
I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know. Lobo will do anything if he's getting paid. Amanda Waller is a monster. Some other characters exist with motivations already mentioned in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. But I do appreciate having this Rebirth origin of the super-villain version of the Suicide Squad, mostly because Lobo is in it. Also, Lobo was written well! Not that it's hard to write Lobo. You just have him refer to himself as the Main Man, say "frag" or "bastiches" once or twice, mention how he always does a job he's been paid for because he's an honorable genocidal maniac who loves violence, and don't have him say "Sorry, not sorry." Easy!

The Ranking!
+1!

The Flash #9

Why is The Flash using Barry Allen's lunchbox?

The singer of "Last Christmas" dying on Christmas and now the star of A New Hope dying isn't being very subtle, 2016. We get it. The world is ending next year. Nobody can wait for this year to be over but I think 2016 is just the John the Baptist to 2017's Jesus Christ. I could go on to explain what I mean by that but, not being Christ-like, I don't explain my analogies and metaphors. Mostly because I assume people are smarter than the twelve idiots Jesus chose to pal around with on his Final Tour. Although having just skimmed Revelations (seeing as how it's practically unreadable, especially when you don't really give a shit about reading it), it feels like The Bible was written by a not too confident auteur who wants to make sure that the audience is getting every bit of their genius, so they explain every single image, analogy, and metaphor. "So, like, the world will be ravaged by locusts. But these locusts are wearing helmets and breastplates and carrying spears, if you get what I'm saying! Wink, wink! They aren't really locusts at all! It's an army!"

The rash of celebrity deaths almost seems like a purposeful smokescreen to distract everybody from the political nightmare that has taken place this year! I'm wondering if David Bowie's death was the canary in the coalmine that we all just ignored. He was too sensitive for the toxic atmosphere of 2016.

On a side note, did anybody else find some of the headlines of George Michael's death particularly insensitive? Who thinks starting an article with WHAM! is appropriate? "WHAM! Singer dead at 53! In your face!" It just seems...oh wait. I just got it. Never mind.

This issue takes place on Halloween. Has it been that long since I've read a Flash comic book? Sheesh!

Iris gets flowers every week without a note and denies she has a secret admirer? Worst investigative reporter ever!

The Keystone Bridge is falling down so Iris has to go look at it and write, "The bridge was fine! Nothing happened at all!" Wally and Barry also make excuses to leave Iris's office so they can go play superhero. While Flash is teaching Kid Flash the best way to save the day, he says, "We could spend all our time getting people off the bridge or we can rebuild the bridge!" Then he begins to rebuild the bridge. Um. Just because he's fast doesn't mean he can rebuild a fucking bridge! I suppose he rushes off to learn how, get the supplies, send Iris some more flowers for next week, and then rebuild the whole thing himself as it's falling into the water? Oh yeah! That sounds plausible!

I should probably either stop complaining about The Flash comic book being implausible or just stop reading it altogether. Oh hey! That's a good idea! This book is off my fucking pull list! Although I still have a few issues left in the stack.

The other Wally West shows up to help because this story is called "Kid Flash of Two Worlds!" I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not but then the title ended in an exclamation point and I found myself thinking, "This story sounds exciting!"

When Wally and Wally shake hands, Barry Allen has a mental breakdown and begins channeling The Comedian. He flips the fuck out and begins insulting the two Kid Flashes. He also reveals that Daniel West is actually Wally's father so that clears up the mess about needing a mysterious third West child who didn't exist. Not that anybody was still worrying about that since there's so much more to worry about like "Why the fuck do we need two Wally Wests?!"

Wally West points out how when he touched The Flash, it hurt him. But, he theorizes, what if both Wallies touch him at the same time?! Logically, that should...well, it should hurt them both. But instead it works! Barry stops flipping the fuck out! The day is saved! But the issue isn't over yet because I guess that wasn't the main conflict. It seems Second Wally finding out Daniel West is his father is the main conflict. Second Wally runs off crying because everybody has been lying to him his whole life. He decides to go meet his friend Chunk at a Halloween Party. Yes, Chunk is fat. How did you guess?

Chunk is a real nerd, you motherfucking poseurs.

First Wally is the guy saying "Wally?" It seems First Wally and Second Wally instinctively know that they're each a Kid Flash. Although Second Wally doesn't know First Wally is also named Wally. He just knows the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the over-sized green sweater must be the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the second rate Flash costume from earlier in the day.

First Wally teaches Second Wally about self-esteem or something. Who cares? If you need to be taught that you should love yourself, maybe you aren't really worth loving? You ever think of that?! I love myself because I'm entertaining and sexy. But I imagine I wouldn't love myself at all if I were a boring jerk! People would probably tell me, "Oh no! You must love yourself before others can love you! I mean, other people love you know matter what or something!" And I'd be all, "Liar! I suck!" That's probably how most of you feel, right?

Later, First Wally and Barry discuss the flowers that First Wally has been sending to Iris. I guess he wants to fuck his aunt. Weirdo. At the end of their talk, Barry mentions that he saw a winged metal cap in a vision when he was flipping the fuck out earlier. He said it filled him with hope and/or reminded him of the shitty New 52 Earth Two comic book. Unless the second half of that was just me.

The Ranking!
No change. I think this issue was only written to clear up Second Wally's parentage. Maybe it was a little bit about starting the whole Flash Family concept which people seem to like for some reason. I prefer my heroes to be loners with pets.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Sugar & Spike!

Sugar & Spike have the same amount of pages in this book as Firestorm. This cover is bullshit.

Everybody should be happy now that we're living in Trumpland! In Trumpland, nobody is ever allowed to make you feel stupid or else you'll get a fist in the face, buddy! Finally, the violent and dumb are perfectly normal citizens! And don't think you can get away with pretending you didn't know you were making somebody feel dumb! Don't you dare read a book that doesn't have "Choose Your Own Adventure" on the cover in public because that would make so many people feel stupid! And only use the same vocabulary that Trump uses. You know, short, easily learned words. The kinds of words they use as examples for parts of speech in Mad Libs. Some words that are okay to use in Trumpland: Sad! Unfair! The Best! Mad! Dog! Cat! Banana! You know what? I'd stay away from using "banana" because it just has too many syllables. You should also put "really" in front of words you want to emphasize instead of using the words that already exist that mean the easy word but to a greater degree. So don't say ecstatic! Say really, really, really happy! And don't say indefinable. Say really, really, really not a best word! And don't say female orgasm because no man in Trumpland has ever pleasured a woman in his life! Sure, a lot of them have pleasured themselves inside a woman. But the woman was probably making a grocery list in her head during it.

I'm going to love living in Trumpland! Nobody can argue with me ever again because facts don't exist! We all just get to believe what we want to believe and feel really fucking good about ourselves! Although I have a feeling a lot of people probably suspect that they're not as smart or right as they pretend to think they are. Losers!

Anyway, I wonder if Sugar & Spike would help supervillains or morally bankrupt space assassins from Czarnia with their past indiscretions? Because I'm pretty sure Lobo probably wouldn't mind Sugar & Spike locating and destroying the video of his wedding with Bueno Excellente.

Perhaps "indiscretion" isn't the right word for what happened here. I think there's a harsher, more repugnant word for it. And one that Lobo doesn't have to be ashamed of at all. What happened to him wasn't his fault! I mean, it kind of was his fault a little bit. Mostly because he became popular enough for Garth Ennis to want to humiliate him.

Sugar & Spike are now the proud owners of the Museum of Humiliating Comic Book Story Arcs. I suppose it's more accurate to say that they're oddities since that's what the comic book calls them. Also, they have displays like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and when did he ever humiliate anybody? I don't think Ambush Bug was ever embarrassed about having him as a sidekick. I have a Cheeks the Toy Wonder project for DC Comics that I'll never get around to writing because why would DC Comics ever want me to write anything for them? Especially unsolicited! Also I have no wish to write comic books. I'd probably write half of the first story and get bored with it. But I'm not going to say any more about it because I don't want some hack like Cullen Bunn stealing my idea!

While unpacking the new displays, Sugar and Spike and Lee Carver (the guy who founded the museum) are visited by Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy, and Lightning Lad. But not the dorks from the eighties or nineties or other decades that are more cool than the older decades. No, these are the original super duper dorks from whatever decade they were invented! I think. I wasn't born then so how would I know exactly when these particular versions of the characters are from?!

The three original Legionnaires want to hire Sugar and Spike for a job! I mean, of course that's what they want. That's the whole point of this comic book. If they had wanted to have sex with them, this review would just be full of orgy pictures and semen stains.

While the job is being discussed, more Legionnaires arrive! This time, it's Lightning Lad, Brainiac Five, and Supergirl! Is Supergirl a member of the Legion of Super-heroes? Probably a complimentary member, or whatever word I actually meant to use that's different than complimentary. Who can be bothered to know things? I'm living in a Post-Trump World! Unless it's just a Trump World. Does it matter? Nobody can correct me in Trumpland because facts don't matter! All opinions are equal! I'm going to get a job building rockets!

These new Legionnaires appear in a Time Bubble instead of a Time Closet. That means they're more moderner! This is going to turn into one of those crazy time travel situations, isn't it?! Sugar realizes things are about to get stupid too and decides she's had enough for the day.

Shower?! Now we're talking! Pants off!

As you might have been able to tell, if you're an astute reader (and who isn't in Trumpland?!), the reason I scanned the panel where Sugar says she's going to take a shower is because there are no panels of the actual shower. Would you like me to draw one for you?

Pretty good for using a touch pad and not being totally familiar with a naked female body! Right?

After her shower, Sugar discovers she's part of a time paradox. It's a good thing time paradoxes don't actually exist or she'd be in trouble! How do I know they don't exist? Well, have you ever encountered one?! See? That's also my proof of the non-existence of God! And fish tacos without cabbage in them.

I almost typed "And fish tacos without cabbage in" but I don't think it's acceptable to speak like a Britisher in Trumpland. You have to go to Farage Island for that! Never heard of Farage Island? Maybe you know it as Cuntsville?

Supergirl and Sugar rush off to STAR Labs to grab the whatzit that'll stop the time paradox from happening, even though it never really happened. Because it's not a thing! And this story proves it! Because all of these Legionnaires come from all sorts of futures to stop the time paradox which is stopped by Sugar's retrieval of the whatzit which means the time paradox never happened! Not that it would have happened anyway, time being what it is! Sugar could have just taken a much longer shower and everything would have resolved nicely because time paradoxes can't exist! That's why the word paradox is in there! I know this is Trumpland but sometimes you're going to have to use a fucking dictionary!

The Review!
I definitely wouldn't mind the occasional one-shot Sugar & Spike comic book after this. I'm not sure I'd want to read a monthly Giffen title because his dialogue is too confusing and I generally have to read his books two or three times before I ask somebody to help me figure it out. But I adore the concept of this series. It's also quite brave! Giffen is taking stories that are so obviously out of continuity that he'd be a fool to admit that they are continuity! Good thing he's such a fool then, right?

The Flash #8

This is how toddlers stand when they're pooping themselves.

I had a dream last night that I was putting together a Peter Sellers/Inspector Clouseau tribute band called Dead Ant. The singer I was trying to lure into the band suggested the name and it was the greatest A-ha! moment I've ever experienced. I hate to include that part because it feels like somebody else came up with the name even though that somebody was created by my brain which thought up the name. Another band somehow associated with the dream was called Mad Mechs.

This issue begins with Barry Allen remembering a conversation he had during lunch with August Heart where August was all, "If I had your speed powers, I'd probably kill the bad guys and get away with it!" This conversation took place after Barry knew August Heart had manifested speed powers. Barry Allen is the worst investigator in the world! Hell, I knew August Heart was the bad guy as soon as I learned his name was August Heart! Also he was introduced as having a huge vengeance boner for the killer of his brother. That's always bad news! But he practically confesses to Barry and Barry is all, "Mmm, this shake sure is thick! So good!"

Now, The Flash is trying to stop Godspeed from killing all of the prisoners in Iron Heights. But The Flash is too slow! Oh no! Drama! The one thing that makes The Flash interesting suddenly has no impact on the story! Now he's got to use his brain to figure out how to stop Godspeed! But how will that work? He can't call for back-up because everybody will be dead before the message even arrives! Maybe he can fire a gun at Godspeed as they're both running and the bullet will be able to overtake Godspeed! Or maybe he can go back in time so that he's waiting for Godspeed at the prison! Or maybe he can yell, "Oh no! I totally tripped! I'm not chasing you any more so you can totally slow down if you want so that you conserve energy!" Oh! I know what I would do! I would definitely use time travel to go back to however long before this moment it takes for Ex-Lax to kick in and stick some in August Heart's lunch! I bet you can't run at top speed while shitting yourself!

Here's Barry's take on the situation: "I can't outrun Godspeed...but I can outsmart him!" Oh, can you? I'd like to see how you do that without pulling the Ex-Lax trick! Maybe he will use the fake tripping scheme I came up with!

Barry outsmarts Godspeed by drafting him to catch up. So dumb! How does drafting work when just running at the speeds they're running they're breaking every single law of physics in the known universe? If I'm to believe that using the Speed Force still creates the same kind of wake behind a runner as a race car then I also have to believe that the atmosphere in front of a speedster isn't able to displace itself fast enough and would build up into incredible pressures causing intense heat which would make every speedster into a fireball racing through the city. But just catching up to Godspeed by drafting him isn't the only trick in Barry's book! The other trick is to scrape his feet along the carpet and build up some static electricity so that when he touches Godspeed's shoulder, both speedsters will short-circuit!

Oh, fuck you. Just run faster.

Remember when The Flash was just about running really fast and wasn't also an analogy on batteries and electrical systems?! Maybe The Flash should change his name to The Human Defibrillator?

Godspeed is aghast that Barry would hurt a friend and Barry figures there isn't enough time right now to bring up all of the "friends" Godspeed has killed in his pursuit of more power. Instead, Barry just watches as Godspeed turns into two separate people because speed force powers weren't already ridiculous enough. I guess if you're fast enough, you can just become two people now! Totally makes sense.

Luckily Wally West shows up. Unluckily, Wally West didn't bring a gun.

It turns out Flash and Kid Flash don't need a gun because they're faster than Godspeed and Kid Godspeed. They run around the Godspeeds really fast until Wally West gets a stupid uniform and the fight is over for some reason. I guess Flash outsmarted me too! What just happened?!

Apparently Wally earned his ugly yellow Flash suit by, um, using the speed force correctly or something. Anyway, Godspeed is sent to Iron Heights where he'll probably never go to trial because the guards at Iron Heights trust that The Flash would only bring them people who were totally guilty of whatever The Flash said they were guilty of.

Barry goes to see August in prison a few days later to hit him with a super shocker: Billy Parks didn't kill August's brother. August--GASP--killed an innocent man in his zealous pursuit of justice! August looks upset for one panel and then just goes back to being fine with everything because he's a supervillain. Also because he can be in two places at once. So while he's in prison, he's probably also out of prison. I know we're supposed to believe that he can't do the two places at once thing for long but he's probably mastered it by now. So his other self has probably taken over the Black Hole Gang and he'll return in another few months to bore the fuck out of me again.

The epitome of shitty cop work: bragging about ignoring the evidence in favor of making assumptions about possible suspects and jumping to unsupported conclusions.

Later, Wally tells Iris that she's his hero because we're all supposed to accept that she's a crazy great investigative journalist who wants to help people by discovering the truth instead of relying on the evidence from past issues that she's really just into selling papers. I mean, that whole time she helped turn the citizens against The Flash with her unsubstantiated stories of rumor and cop gossip? I suppose that was Pre-Rebirth Iris and I should cut her some slack. Maybe she will prove to be a shining beacon on a hill of decaying corpses and dog shit that is journalism today.

The issue ends with Meena running into Flash's training facility and whispering "Thank you" into Barry's ear (and probably blowing out his eardrums too). Barry doesn't catch sight of her but she leaves gouges in the floor and all of that shitty lightning that apparently has to surround speedsters constantly now.

The Ranking!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)
5. The Flash (*)

The Flash is terrible and boring. This was eight issues of The Flash learning a lesson about needing a sidekick. In other words, the first eight issues have been used to integrate Wally West into the world of The Flash because DC Comics decided five years ago that Wally West shouldn't exist and then they rethought that because people got so angry and they reintroduced a new Wally West which didn't make anybody any happier and who never really fit into the Flash's world. So now that this story is over, DC Comics is probably patting themselves on the back and thinking, "Finally! All of the Wally West nonsense is sorted!" Except I guess it isn't because the next issue is about "The Wally of Two Worlds" which will probably be about how Wally West and Wally West need to get to know each other. Hopefully original Wally West will just say, "Do we really need you?" And then new Wally West will pop out of existence. Not that I really care! But DC Comics definitely cares! They just don't know it yet. But pretty soon some higher up who isn't that creative will enter a meeting saying, "What's with the two Wally Wests? Isn't that confusing for fans? Here's an idea that can sort that!" And he'll write "CRISIS ON INFINITE CENTRAL CITIES" on the white board and smile smugly.

Batman #8

The Ranking!
+0! This issue has monsters in it. The Bat-family fights the monsters. Some of the Bat-family are monsters! That's about it!

The Flash #7

Godspeed is not a clever villain.

The Commentary!
• Recently, policecop August Heart let justice go to his head and he became a vigilante. But then as a vigilante killing criminals who were arrested for the pettiest of crimes so he could take their speed powers, he let the speed force go to his head and he became a supervillain. And now as a supervillain, he needs to kill The Flash since that's what supervillains do. I guess he really isn't into justice any more.

• Now August Heart, aka Godspeed, thinks so much of himself that he's decided to narrate this issue. Shoot, he probably can't be any worse than Roy Harper.

• August Heart is still making excuses for killing a bunch of the newbie speedsters. His excuse is, "I just wanted more power!" Hmm, that's not much of an excuse, right? Barry isn't going to buy that one. He should have said something like, "I slipped in the shower!" That one always works with proctologists. Although it probably only works because they're not really interested in the real reason you got a Zima bottle stuck in your rear end, or why you were drinking Zima in the first place. Oh! A good excuse that usually works for calling in sick to work is that you have diarrhea! Although one time, Doom Bunny's friend Marco tried that excuse and wound up needing a doctor's note so he went to the doctor and told a bunch of lies that made it sound like he was way sicker than faking and so he ended up getting a rectal exam. He still got out of work so it was probably worth it.

• Oh! Speaking of Doom Bunny, he's often posting things that his son says on Facebook that are funny (you know, the way parents do!). But he sent me a text the other day that said this: "[Son's quote] I can't put on FB: "Mama, I don't know why, but my penis is straight out!" I'm sure his wife either said "Go talk to your dad about it" or "I've got a headache."

• Godspeed beats up on Barry by creating two versions of himself. He's that fast! I mean, does speed explain that ability? I know time travel explains it! But it's not like anything can be fast enough to be in two places at once, right? Anyway, he can't do it for too long before he's overcome by tremendous pain. That's when Barry kicks him in the nuts and runs away to come up with a plan.

• Godspeed is faster than the Flash because Godspeed stole a bunch of other speedster's powers. So Barry is going to have to take all the power away from the speedsters left in Central City. They don't want their power anymore anyway. He just needs to figure out how to do it without killing anybody. He and Godspeed did it once, so it can be done without Crisis on Infinite Earthing the other speedsters. But for now, Barry needs to pout because he's not the fastest anymore.

• Godspeed decides he's not a supervillain at all but a superhero. So he goes around stopping crime by grotesquely murdering anybody committing the crime. I guess he forgot about the justice system!

• The Flash discovers Wally has super powers and that Wally needs training. And a terrible yellow suit.

• The Flash and Wally meet with the other speedsters who give up their powers to them. All it took for a person not to die in the exchange was to be willing to give up the power. After they're finished, it's just Godspeed, Wally, and Barry left with the power. That means it's time for the big fight where Godspeed will lose his powers and say something like how he just wanted justice and Barry will say something about vengeance and then everybody will laugh as the credits roll.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

• I got the order of things wrong! Barry's justice versus vengeance comment happened before the big fight. The Flash and Godspeed are headed to Iron Heights to talk. Or to steal Zoom's powers. Or to kiss in the janitor's closet.

• It turns out August Heart just wants to kill everybody in prison. He's not as compassionate as his name would make one think.

The Ranking!
+0! How many times do we have to have the story about whether it's better to kill criminals or to leave them to the justice system? I just watched the first episode of the new season of Arrow and they had that fucking discussion. I'm so fucking sick of it. It's lazy and arrogant and fucked up to kill a criminal. It's also the way most ignorant assholes think. They believe once a criminal, always a criminal. Hell, it seems to be the majority opinion of most Americans. Somebody does something wrong, throw them in a cell and destroy the key. When did we decide the idea of rehabilitation was completely off the table and not even on the floor where it fell but hidden in a locked crate and tucked away in the basement? People aren't inherently good or bad. And often, the current prison and justice system helps to keep people bad instead of giving them any hope that they can turn their lives around after a poor choice or terrible mistake. My mom sent me the series The Night Of (pirated by her off of her DVR, of course!) because she loved it so much. One of my first major reactions while watching it was incredulousness at how they put a person awaiting trial in a serious fucking prison. How the hell does that happen?! Even if the court denies bail, how in the hell do you put a presumed innocent person in a prison surrounded by people who have already been convicted? And, of course, that was a huge part of what the series was about. I still don't want to believe that that actually happens. Does that actually happen?! HOW IN THE FUCK?!

Batman #7

Shouldn't the title of this crossover be "Dark Night of the Monster Men"?!

The Review!
The Monster Men have arrived in Gotham and it's just as whatever as I knew it would be! It's full of this and loaded with tons of that! It probably needed some kind of tagline like "If you thought Batman fought monsters before, wait until you get a load of 'Night of the Monster Men'!" Or maybe, "'Night of the Monster Men' will have you thinking, 'Gee whiz! I'm glad it's not Monster Women!" How about, "I bet you couldn't wait to read the story where Batman teams up with the Suicide Squad, right? Well you have no choice but to! Because this week, it's 'Night of the Monster Men'!"

The premise is that Hugo Strange has turned a bunch of corpses into monsters. Those monsters are now attacking Gotham on the night a major hurricane is supposed to sweep in. Since Red Robin has just died, Batman declares that nobody else is allowed to die. But he made that declaration before he knew the city wasn't just trying to survive a hurricane. Now they've got the Monster Men to deal with too! The silver lining on the hurricane is that the Monster Men were created from corpses. That means Batman can kill them because killing a reanimated corpse isn't actually killing. So I probably shouldn't say he's "killing" them. He's just, um, "putting them back to rest."

Nightwing has come to town to help like a big idiot so now his comic book is caught up in the Monster Men crossover too! What a fool! Too bad Red Robin is dead because he probably could name all of the monsters they're going to have to battle. He seemed like a huge nerd. But I can also name them! Don't try to transitive property those previous two sentences, jerko! The first monster Batman kills is a cyclops. It's from that one that he discovers Hugo Strange is behind the Monster Men. But the next monster only attacks on the last page so Nightwing will probably have to defeat it in his comic book. It's a griffon. Or just a dragon. Maybe a Bat Dragon? Yeah! That's probably what it is. A Bat Dragon!

Steve Orlando and Tom King are behind this story so it must have some depth to it, right? It's not just about fighting monsters in Gotham, right? Maybe the hurricane is a metaphor for all of Batman's tears over Tim's death. And the Monster Men are representative of what Batman could become if he lets his grief get the better of him. Or maybe this is all just a way to get the heroes back into action without any kind of mourning story since we just had the story about Gotham Girl's mourning. Plus Tim got his wake in Teen Titans. Which is weird since it was Rebirth Tim Drake who died and The New 52 Titans who mourned him. It's as if the Rebirth world is just The New 52 rebranded so that all of the angry people who hated The New 52 could begin reading DC again without losing any face. Everybody knows it's still The New 52 universe but we're all pretending that it's different somehow. I mean, Wally West is back! That's got to count for something for all the jerks who liked him for some reason.

The Ranking!
+0! It's just this comic book story, you know? Nothing special and nothing terrible. Hopefully the rest of the chapters will make it stand out.