Superman Loves Wonder Woman #29

DC has finally read my letters and listened to my suggestion to turn this book into Supergirl Loves Wonder Woman (And Pegs Her Too!).

The Review!
A lot of this Final Days of Superman story has been padding to extend the story until Rebirth. I guess this is the last of that padding since Superman and Impostor Superman are finally battling their final battle. I don't think there are enough pages to deal with Chinese Superman, so he'll probably be an issue sometime in Rebirth. Hopefully he'll get his own comic book and it will all be in Chinese. That way I can make up everything that's being said and write my own Narration Boxes for it. I'll definitely make it extremely pervy.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Fire Line". I liked it better when it was called "Burning Love" and was about Supergirl and Wonder Woman. Remember how Supergirl used to masturbate with her Kryptonian Sun Crystals in the early issues of her comic book? Oh yeah. Those were good times. Should we reminisce a little more? Let's have a flashback picture!

Oh yeah! That's good comic book!

At the end of Action Comics #52, Impostor Superman was about to be declined membership of the Justice League. This issue will probably revolve around the declining. And by declining I mean punching. Lots and lots of punching. I figure Impostor Superman should probably be defeated this issue so that Superman can spend the entire time dying in Superman #52.

While New 52 Superman and Wonder Woman battle Impostor Superman, Preboot Superman, his wife, his son, his cat, and his dog are off to find a place where they can be safe from Impostor Superman.

Hmm. I guess Ranger and the Unnamed Cat were dropped to their deaths.

The family sans pets wind up in Clark's Fortress of Secrets. I don't think he's allowed to call it the Fortress of Solitude since that's Kara's place now. Clark decides it's finally time to tell Jon his family history.

What the fuck kind of stupid advert is this, DC? Is Rebirth aimed at the asshole demographic?

Impostor Superman manages to defeat Wonder Woman and Superman. He kidnaps Superman and flies off to murder him. But Supergirl has heard the news that her cousin is getting his ass kicked, so she's on her way to save the day.

I didn't mention Batman at all because his job was babysitting Lois Lane.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #28

The Review or Whatever!
If there were a machine that could give a person immortality but it only works 50% of the time while disintegrating the person the other 50% of the time, would you use it? Let's say it causes the person to be exactly as they are forever at the moment they use the machine. So do you risk it while you're still in your twenties and in your physical prime? Or do you gamble, year after year, that you won't die before getting a chance to gain immortality? Or do you just never use it at all? That's a pretty shitty percentage, isn't it? I suppose I could have made the percentage higher since it's just an imaginary machine I made up in my head but that didn't happen! What if you have a significant other or children? Say you survive the machine and are now immortal. Do you ask your spouse to take that chance as well? You've got a fifty/fifty chance at eternal happiness or eternal sorrow! Although, let's face it, the eternal happiness probably won't last more than ten, twenty years before you're wishing the machine killed them, right?

Since it's an imaginary machine, I can't answer the question myself. It's too difficult. I would definitely be afraid to use it! I'd probably keep putting it off until I eventually fall off of a ladder and break my neck. Stupid machine. How dare you taunt me with immortality!

Although what good is immortality if, some day, the sun is just going to consume the Earth? I suppose even with our current technology, we could leave the planet. If you're immortal, who cares how long it takes to get anywhere! Although I imagine everybody would be really cold and hungry by the time we got somewhere. Or we'd crash into a star. Or be destroyed by interstellar flotsam. Or fall into a black hole. I suppose the immortality wouldn't provide invulnerability as well, so I guess when you finally just get tired of living and you've read every book ever and had been disappointed by the last five thousand new Call of Duty games, you could just put a bullet in your brain. Coward!

None of that has anything to do with Superman Loves Wonder Woman although I could ask Superman the same question since he's currently dying. Wonder Woman has just found out, so she probably wants to get one last fuck in. I imagine that's going to be the plot of this issue not because it's called "Last Kiss" but because Ed Benes is doing the art for it. I'm sure he wouldn't have taken the job if he wasn't going to be able to draw Wonder Woman's tits flopping all over the place.

Technically, Wonder Woman killed Superman! Superman has to die because DC Comics wrote themselves into a corner by having Superman date Wonder Woman! Now they can't figure out what to do with this mess so they have to kill him and let the Superman who's with Lois take over. Because that's something everybody can live with.

Wonder Woman asks Clark if he loves her and he pulls that trick where he kisses her as an answer so that he doesn't actually have to answer. What a dog! During the kiss, both Lois and Steve Trevor radio the heroes to tell them there's a Superman wannabe being held at ARGUS. Awkward!

When Superman and Wonder Woman get to ARGUS, Superman explains his Solar Flare power to anybody who knew to avoid reading Superman comic books during that time. Although those were probably the best Superman stories since Morrison's run on Action Comics. The Solar Flare power will probably be important to this story later which is why the reminder of what it is and how it works. Maybe it'll even save Clark's life but leave him powerless forever! So then Lois and Clark Superman will continue to be Superman but with Clark Kent still existing and writing terrible op ed pieces on Superman.

Superman decides to go speak with Ulysses because he won't have any answers. Why should he? Just because Fake Superman glows like Superman's Solar Power discharge and Ulysses was the first person covered with it? Oh, what am I saying? This is a comic book! Of course Ulysses will have some insight into what's going on! He probably walked around for a few days thinking he was Superman himself!

While Superman speaks with Ulysses, Fake Superman escapes from his cell. It's the moment Ed Benes was waiting for!

Oh yeah. Those are totally Ed Benes breasts.

Due to Fake Superman's escape, ARGUS loses power which allows Ulysses to get free. He takes it as a sign to get back to the fight against Superman which was interrupted by Superman's stupid new power. He just about kills Superman before Steve Trevor (being the only person working at ARGUS, I guess) restores the power by flipping a switch that instantly fixes whatever Fake Superman broke. Unless it just starts up the backup generator. Probably that one.

Fake Superman escapes but Ulysses is caught powerless again. He decides that's okay though because he realizes Superman is dying and that revelation totally makes his shitty life better.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #27

From what I've heard about Ben Affleck, this cover should have him coming up behind Henry Cavill and putting his balls on his neck.

Rating: No change.

I like these special Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us covers because they come with special inserts on which you can draw your own cover! So maybe I'll draw the Ben's balls thing later. I have to schedule enough time to also masturbate while drawing it because it's definitely going to make me horny.

So at the end of Action Comics #50, Superman got his powers back. He didn't just get his powers back though! No, he was killed and returned to life just like a proper savior should be! I guess technically he was never quite dead but he had given up on living as he fell into the Fortress of Solitude. And the title of the story was "Resurrection" just in case anybody missed the whole Christ analogy. Not that there was much of one. Although I have to wonder at the decision to give a story a name which spoils the ending of the story. Comic books love doing that and then they place the title and the credits after the story so as not to decrease the impact of the ending. My thought would be to maybe name the story something else. It's like asking somebody if they've heard a joke and describing the joke with the punch line.

You know what? I don't know why I ever think anybody in the comic book industry thinks anything through completely. Why do I even bother pondering any of their decisions?

Last issue, Vandal Savage made it explicit that villains and heroes should have plans rather than relying on punching everything. So this issue begins with his son doing this:

If you really wanted to make your father proud, Tiny-head Savage, you'd be sitting at a library desk with a nice desk lamp lighting up your legal pad full of ideas to bring down Superman. Although the librarian might take umbrage with you screaming "For father!" in the library.

Wonder Woman's plan to combat this oaf is the same thing she asks of Superman during fuck sessions: "fast and furious." Great advice, Diana! I mean, in the bedroom, spot on. You say "fast and furious" and I know to pull a hamstring pounding you into the recliner from behind. But when you pull out that command in a punch-off, don't you think Superman's going to get a little confused? And I'm fairly certain it's a bit difficult to fight while concealing a boner. Especially when you're wearing Kryptonian Lycra.

The title of this story is "Slam Bang" which only has me even more confused and erect. Shouldn't Tomasi have saved the title for the last page because now the whole issue is spoiled! Well, almost spoiled. Definitely one of two things is about to happen and I'm hoping it's not a fist fight with Vandal Savage's children.

Here's Clark's reaction to Wonder Woman's advice:

Batman was right in Action Comics #50. It's a good thing you have friends, Superman, because your plans are shit.

The first nine pages of this issue are nearly all splash pages. Technically they aren't but fuck technically. This is just a big ass brawl. It's a good thing Superman got his powers back since this is the only method of conflict resolution he's capable of.

By the way, Hal Jordan is along to help. Why wasn't he here earlier to stop the comet? Vandal's whole thirty thousand year old plan would have went to shit in twenty seconds! It's possible Hal was also captured with the rest of the Justice League even if that makes no sense because he hasn't really been a part of the League for years now.

During the brawl, Vandal Savage straps on an improvised jet pack and flies off to become Super Vandal Savage by visiting his comet. I suppose that's for the battle that will take place in Superman #50. I hope Vandal has a better plan than "get super powerful and punch Superman to death" because I may have to call him a hypocrite if that happens. Or an unthinking plebe? How about a run-of-the-mill American?

Superman flies after Vandal while Vandal's kids all explode. Whoops! Maybe Vandal should have stuck around to make sure his kids survived being irradiated by the comet. But Superman will save him! I mean beat him! I mean save him! I mean...well shit. I don't know what I mean. I think there will be a lot of punching though.

I'm obsessed with the amount of punching in Superman comic books now! I mean, I've been obsessed with it for a long time. I'm constantly pointing out how Superman stories have basically become a huge physical threat attacks and punches Superman. Superman says something like "I actually felt that!" so that readers know how strong the threat is. Then Superman punches the threat into submission anyway. Afterward he waits for the next biggest physical threat to ever threaten the galaxy to attack. I guess if, taking into account all space and time, it's an infinite universe then that means there are infinite threats each stronger than the last! Superman isn't the strongest person in the universe at all! He's just got more heart! That reminds me. I hope he gave Metallo his Kryptonite heart back.

This issue ends with Superman and Vandal punching each other in space while Vandal's comet crashes down around them. So next issue? Superman punches Vandal Savage into submission! And if that plan fails, don't worry! Because he's got friends!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #26

I guess these twins are named Sandals, Left and Right?

Rating: No change.

This comic book will probably never be worth reading until Eddie Berganza is fired. I suppose that will never happen because nobody ever seems to lose their job in comic books. They're only ever driven away from the mainstream comic books because of shit people like Eddie Berganza. And since shit people are the only ones to stick around, they hire all of their shit friends who don't know that they're all a bunch of shit.

Just to be clear, I'm not calling the current creative team on Superman Loves Wonder Woman shit. These are people I know can do a good job if left to do their own thing. But when they caught up in Eddie Berganza's Shit Hurricane of Suck, what are they going to do? I suppose they're just going to finish writing this shit story and hopefully they'll get a chance to write something that isn't tied into all of these stupid ideas the shit editors of the Superman books keep coming up with.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #25

I couldn't bear to fill in the rest with just red, yellow, and blue. Are adult coloring books called adult because they expect too damn much from you?!

Rating: No change. The worst thing about doing long form commentary on DC's comic books back before I opted out was the amount of time it took to put every thought and digression that came to mind down on digital paper. The best thing was that I could just make stupid remarks about a comic book that was shit and made no sense without actually having to explain why it was shit and why it made no sense. But now what am I supposed to say in a short synopsis when I read a comic book like this?!

Here's the gist of it: Superman is healed by the Greek/Roman gods and then, on the final page, Hermes reveals that Superman is healed and that he's "completely and fully mortal." Yeah? So? That's how he's always been! What the fuck do you mean by that, Hermes?! Do you maybe mean he's human now? Do you mean he's powerless now? Do you mean he's now only fit for a menial, 40-hour per week job and a life of toiling monotony punctuated by a few sporadic moments of joy or sorrow? You didn't explain anything by claiming he's something he's always been! Dick.

During Superman's great healing adventure, Cupid pressures Clark into reconsidering Clark's marriage proposal to Diana. Back off, Cupid! The fans all know Superman should be fucking Lois and we're not even gods of love! I think your love for your new aesthetic has blinded you from reality. Dick.

Artemis takes Clark on a hunt but it would have been better and more interesting if she'd just sat him down to watch Hedwing and the Angry Inch with her.

Anyway, Clark proves he's worth keeping around a little while longer so the gods heal him. Next maybe they can make everybody forget that he's Superman and that they hate him for it.

I'm still confused about why the population of the DC Youniverse was fine with Superman until they found out Superman had a secret human identity. People are fickle assholes.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #24

That they're allied with Parasite is, sadly, the most interesting aspect of this story.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman and Wonder Woman spend the entire comic telling each other to break free of one bond or another. Finally they throw Parasite at the bad guy and save the day. I'm fairly certain Tomasi was just phoning this one in to get the story to the point where it intersects with all of the other Superman books. Vandal Savage has now watched all of his children go down in defeat and now it's his turn to go after Superman. Although he was also defeated in Batman Loves Superman so shouldn't this Crimson Dawn shit be over with now? Can Superman just have his powers back and can the world go back to loving him? Oh, and let him grow his hair out a bit! At least enough so his spit curl returns.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #2

Now that they broke up, will this comic book go the route of Batman and Robin after Robin died? Superman Loves Lois Lane. Superman Loves Lana Lang. Superman Loves Lori Lemaris. Superman Loves Batman in College.

Rating: This felt a bit like reading Gertrude Stein's Melanctha. I don't remember enough of that story from Three Lives to explain myself! It was the best story (stories?) about Superman and Wonder Woman's relationship since they first got together. For anybody who was disappointed that their relationship seemed to come out of nowhere and then just seemed to be a thing without any evidence, you might like this annual! Although it came a bit late. DC should have been telling some of these stories during the time the two were dating.

The best way to read this annual is to break it up by chapters and then send those chapters back in time at various points so that your past self can read them and think, "Oh! That's how their relationship is progressing! Good to know!" or "Holy crap, Superman is a whiny, petulant toddler who can't treat his partner like an adult at all!" Mostly you'll probably think that second part.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23

When you're sliding down the hall and your balls hit the wall! That's Corruption!

Last issue, Superman and Wonder Woman were working through some relationship problems. Superman told Wonder Woman he wanted to breakup and Wonder Woman told Superman to stop being a fucking baby and start doing his Goddamned job! Then they kidnapped Parasite to use as a marital aid. See, since they're both so invulnerable, they can't really feel intimacy between them. They usually just go through the motions with Superman saying "Do you feel anything?" and Wonder Woman lying like all women who are tired of being passive-aggressively accused of being the fault for not having an orgasm and saying, "Oh. Yes. That was definitely a job for Superman." Then Superman, who couldn't feel anything either because of that invulnerability, pretends to finish, pulls out his limp cock, rolls over, and falls asleep. That's when Wonder Woman takes out the special polearm Hephaestus made for her. But with Parasite draining their powers, they can both enjoy coitus! Or they can all enjoy coitus because wouldn't Parasite also drain sexual energy and eventually spray his purple jizz all over the rutting superheroes?

That point is called "orgasm."

Superman offers to let Parasite go if he does what Superman says. That seems a little irresponsible of Superman! He's putting a lot of people's lives in danger! I bet he's going to go back on his deal but in a way which keeps his dignity intact. Does Superman have any dignity left? Maybe it doesn't matter if after Parasite tracks down Dr. Bendy, Superman just throws him back into Belle Reve. I have a feeling Superman will just tell Amanda Waller where she can pick up her filthy pet when he's done abusing it.

Countdown to fucking!

My favorite song to fuck to is Public Enemy's "54321...Boom!" True story (implying the previous sentence was utter bullshit (and not really confirming in any meaningful way that what follows will not be bullshit)): I have both fucked and cried desperately throughout The Cure's entire album "Disintegration." Not at the same time. Probably. Although trying to sexily please your partner with the lyrics "The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight" sometimes takes an awkward turn. I wonder if anybody has yet approached The Cure to do a "Mamma Mia"-esque Broadway show to their music? Maybe call it "Let's Go To Bed" although in this current climate of fear, hate, and racism, maybe "Killing An Arab" will draw in more people? People who don't realize they're all in for a lesson to be learned, right?!

Meanwhile Angle Man and Vandal Savage speak to each other as if they're somehow equals. Just by the name "Angle Man," you can tell the guy is C-list all the way! Angle Man uses some kind of magic protractor to open up portals and to maybe even time travel. Perhaps that's how he knows Vandal Savage and why they have some kind of six hundred year old plan. I can't figure out how else they've been planning on killing Superman for six hundred years. Does this mean Clark Kent is about to travel back through time for a few years? Maybe depowered Superman will be more interesting if he's a member of the Demon Knights!

Oh! Well, that explains some of that then! I think. Sometimes I just like to scan a page and say, "Oh! I get it now!" That way people don't think I'm too stupid to understand a comic book plot.

Angle Man's real plan is to kill Vandal Savage and take over the world for himself. That's probably also Wrath and Hordr_root's plans as well! Maybe Superman can lure them all back to this secret chamber they plan their world conquering inside of and trick them into all killing each other.

Parasite leads Superman and Wonder Woman to Angle Man's underground lair. He lives in the bunker from Lost where he's keeping Firestorm imprisoned to power his Mystic Protractor. Do you think Angle Man will say something witty like how he's looked at things from every angle? Or how the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides? Did I get that right?

Christ, Angle Man! Telling them about the implants is such a C-list villain move! Why not just tell them that all of your power comes from your geometry tools!

A huge battle ensues while Angle Man watches from the safety of his monitor room saying things like "I'll 'sine' your death warrant!" and "Try to look at it from my angle, Superman!" and "Our two lives were bound to intersect at this point!" and "If two parallel lines are cut by a transversal, then alternate interior angles are congruent! Ah ha ha ha!" It's so super nerdy I almost went out and purchased a compass.

When the battle seems about won, a huge suit of power armor rises out of the pond in the middle of the room and puts itself onto Wonder Woman.

Of course Superman and Wonder Woman are going to have to fight! How else will Clark remember how much he loves and pretends to cherish Diana?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23 Rating: No change. I really wish superheroes would stop falling under the control of the villains. If the villain's only real tactic is taking over a superhero's mind so that the superheroes now have to battle each other then that villain isn't really worth much as an antagonist. The villain simply becomes a tool to get superheroes to battle which is apparently what either comic book fans really want or what comic book companies think comic book fans really want. I really don't know since I know I'm sort of a comic book fan and I hate when heroes fight. But I don't know if other comic book fans love when heroes fight because I don't like interacting with other comic book fans! You're all too nerdy without the proper amount of sardonic distance from the source material with which I pretend to be filled so that the normies still accept me into their arms which have had sex more than the one imaginary time at camp. You nerds get what I'm saying, right? No offense!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20

I finally went outside today around seven PM and it looks like the end of the world up here in Portland! It smells like it too. The sun was a fiery red haze and the air is thick with smoke and burning and death and destruction. While walking to Fred Meyers, I passed by the people who sit out front of a halfway house on the way there talking about the cause. It seems to be the final leg of Project Cloverleaf. They've stepped up the chemtrail attacks! In less than a week, everybody in Portland will be mindless zombies programmed to spend, spend, spend so that the economy can grow, grow, grow! I also learned that one of them once fucked a demon in the ass and another one's mother was a real shrew. Now, I could believe the actual news reports about the smoke in the skies being from a fire in Washington but I think those halfway-homeless guys were really onto something.

It doesn't matter to me if the world ends before I read Tomasi's new Superman Loves Wonder Woman but I might be a little bit pissed if the world ends directly after I finish reading it. I don't want to die with a bad taste in my brain. And that's what'll happen if Peter Tomasi doesn't pick up his game and start making this book as wonderful as he made Batman Loves Robin. I mean, Batman and Robin. Maybe I should speak directly to Peter. I do have some pull at DC Comics! I'm pretty sure I got all of their horrible comics cancelled and finally made them see the light about Ann Nocenti's writing.

Dear Peter,

Come on, jerk! We loved and trusted you! Your name on the front of a book meant something! How could you let the fans down?! Even if editorial is forcing this stupid fucking story line and the ill-fated relationship of the title on you, you can't just roll over and write shit because you're pissed at them. Think of the fans! Think of the people who will never buy another Peter J. Tomasi title because they were soured by your work on Superman Loves Wonder Woman. I mean, this work has been awful! Just...just vile! I would rather go to a live poetry reading with white people reading poems while the audience drinks wine and contorts their faces in ways that try to show that they're getting more out of the poetry than any of the other white people! I would rather own a dog! I would rather have a baby! I would rather work a normal forty hour work week than my current ten hour work week! If you've forgotten what I'm trying to avoid doing by doing these other things I really don't want to do, let me remind you: it's reading Superman Loves Wonder Woman! I'm actually really concerned for your mental well-being. Have you had an MRI lately because there might be something seriously wrong with your brain? This comic book is so bad, I would never guess it was by the person who wrote three years of Batman and Robin. That series made me cry real tears at least four different times! This series makes me cry blood! And I don't think the human body is supposed to be doing that! Please, for the sake of my eyeballs and white shirts, start writing better! Thank you for hearing me out, Pete. We know you can fix this!

Your Friend (although don't hold me to that if we ever meet in public because I don't really like other people much),
Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

This issue begins in a promising way that probably won't go in the direction that I want it to go!

Come on, Trevor! Say it! Strap on those testicles and say it! "You're fucking the woman I love!"

Right off the bat, I have problems. I like the idea of Clark and Steve having a conversation made awkward by Superman's current relationship. But I don't like the idea of Superman entering the Oval Office with two unconscious secret service men. Why would Superman ever physically harm anybody for just doing their job? Unless their job was robbing banks or making puppies fight. Maybe Superman realizes it's less embarrassing failing to protect the president if you've been punched out by Superman as opposed to Superman carrying you into the Oval Office by the scruff of your neck as you impotently struggle to get free. That would be pretty humiliating, right?

Meanwhile at the aptly named Salvation Technology Emergency Evaluation Laboratory so that it can be acronymed into STEEL, the mysterious people behind the raid on the Kent Family Farm plot and machinate and plot. Why would Steel's company steal all of Superman's family's things for STEEL?! Isn't he supposed to be a good guy? It's possible that Lana Lang mentioned how she once lent Clark Kent her copy of Catcher in the Rye which she really wanted back because she had marked up a whole bunch of important passages that totally helped her become a strong individual and to totally organize that walk out at Smallville Junior High when they wouldn't let any of the students wear sunglasses.

I don't understand how it was a bombshell. Do people in the DC Youniverse not understand what a secret identity is? What's the big deal? So Superman was a reporter! Now everybody hates and mistrusts him? Jared Fogle was revealed to be a pedophile and people are still eating Subway sandwiches!

I suppose ARGUS exhumed Clark Kent's relatives to see if they're a bunch of aliens too. That totally makes sense! I suppose Lois could have sat Clark Kent down for an interview about the matter before she just published an article exposing his secret. With her relationship with him, isn't it her journalistic responsibility to get his side of the story? Couldn't she have asked him if his parents were human? Why did she have to botch this article so badly when every other thing she writes wins a Pulitzer?!

It seems a bunch of Clark's associates have also been taken by STEEL. Remember how Lana and Steel were missing?! I guess Steel stole himself! Unless STEEL isn't Steel's corporation. That would be weird, right?

Wow. I'd say you fooled yourself on that one, Steve.

Trevor goes on to theorize that heroes who wear masks are more honest because they're open about hiding their identity. I think he's finally getting around to venting about Wonder Woman! I think he just called her a lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend!

Meanwhile, his lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend is marching straight through STEEL to get her boyfriend's things back. She also has no problem knocking out innocent people just doing their jobs.

Let's see. Why wouldn't Diana, Arthur, or Victor need secret identities? Wonder Woman doesn't need to protect the Amazons or her teammates. Arthur doesn't need to protect Mera or Aquadog. And Victor isn't dating Sarah and doesn't give a shit if anybody kills his dad Silas. Also, I mean, what is Vic going to do? Where a trench coat and a fedora everywhere he goes? That would be worse than people knowing his identity.

Superman opens up about why he kept a secret identity and what he's saying to Steve is the fucking interview that Lois Lane should have gotten! She would have won the Mega-Pulitzer with this stuff! But Lois is currently being rescued from STEEL by Wonder Woman.

President Barack Obama interrupts Trevor and Kent after Clark's moving speech about why he kept a secret identity. I guess it's time for President Obama to tell Americans that it's okay to love him again! Then everybody will say, "Oh! If the president thinks it then it must be okay! We love Superman again!" Except of course Fox News and its viewership who will despise Superman even more now.

He's right! If there were a real life superhero and I found out he was moonlighting as a mild-mannered reporter, I'd be fucking terrified!

Barack Obama assures Superman that his friends will be released as soon as the government is done with them. Whoops! That means Wonder Woman just fucked it all up and everybody is going to super distrust Superman now! And probably Wonder Woman too! I bet Superman yells at her later!

While Clark and Barack head back inside, Parasite attacks! Why Parasite?! He's gotten way too much on-panel time since The New 52 began. Superman has other enemies! Like Titano! Or Starro! Or any of a number of jerks whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal.

Back at STEEL, Wonder Woman has Lois Lane interview everybody about Superman. They don't show it but she's probably having them all tell their stories with her lasso tied around them. Oh! How about letting Lois interview Clark like that too?! Jesus Christ did Lois fuck this story up. If only she'd gone straight to the source, I bet this entire mess could have been avoided. But instead, she had to print a story that caused fear because fear makes the media money! Bastards.

And this is why I still love Peter J. Tomasi! He's taking a crappy Superman story arc and he's writing the fucking hell out of it. Finally! I knew you could do it, Peter! I never lost faith! Except for a few months of darkness there but that was because I was weak from Convergence! I'm much better now!

During the interviews, Lois asks Clark's friends if he's ever let them down. You can tell they're under the influence of the lasso because when Lana is asked, she hesitates and says, "He should...he should have saved my parents." Ack. Ugh. I think the blood is coming from my eyes again! No, wait, um...it's not blood! We're good here.

Boom! 'nuff said! Err, wrong company. Sorry!

I want to scan in each of the responses from the people who knew Clark. They're all so fucking good! But I must withhold something for people who actually want to enjoy this book when it comes out in trade because why buy it now when the previous issues have been so crappy, right?

Superman doesn't quite defeat Parasite but Parasite doesn't beat Superman either since Superman has so little power to absorb now. Instead, Obama's Chief of Staff snaps his fingers and Parasite collapses. He was brought in from Task Force X as a precaution in case Superman went rogue. But as it stands, Superman seems to be trusted again, at least by the president and, I guess, Steve Trevor. Clark is given the location of his friends which means he'll arrive just in time to hear Lois Lane declare her love for Clark Kent! Probably!

This is going to get awkward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20 Rating: +6 Ranking. This is the issue that made this entire Superman loses his power and becomes mistrusted by everybody worth it. Well, maybe not exactly worth it but it definitely redeemed it to a large extent. I feel bad about calling out Tomasi before reading this issue because this issue is exactly the kind of thing I expect from Tomasi. It's touching and funny and spectacularly well executed. I no longer have to worry that Tomasi has brain cancer although now I have to worry about Tomasi getting brain cancer because I'll feel bad for even suggesting it. But my belief in Tomasi is reforged even stronger! There's probably an analogy here somewhere about making steel harder or something, so go with that analogy when you come up with it. The only issue I had with the book is that it kind of gives Obama the credit for being the rational guy who decided to keep things civil and talk out the problem. That's who Superman should be in every single issue he appears in! Perhaps he just needs to encounter more people willing to engage in frank conversation. And better writers too!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18

Wonder Woman's sideburns are sexy.

The issue begins with Superman passed out in bed while Wonder Woman dotes on him. Somehow during the sex, his Superman shirt wound up on her because they did it wrong. That's not how you have sex, Superman! You're not supposed to trade clothing! You're supposed to take it all off and then orgasm prematurely at the thought of actually getting to touch a real, live naked lady! Then you fall asleep and the woman either curses or keeps her anger to herself, gets cold, puts on your shirt, and...oh! I guess Superman did do it correctly. Good job, Clark!

It's three in the morning and Clark's phone rings. Diana doesn't answer it but she notices it's a Smallville area code, so she wakes up Clark, hands him the phone, and bristles at the woman on the other end: fudgefudging fudger Lana fudging Lang. I bet Superman rushes off to help her which is okay, I guess, because Diana probably can't get any angrier than she is now. Blue balled, cold, lonely, ignored, and taken for granted! Why is she still dating this asshole? Especially since half the time, he's being written by Greg Pak. Gross!

Shadow boobs!

Wonder Woman offers to fly Superman to Smallville and on the way, Clark backseat drives the entire time. "Fly faster! You should have made a turn at that grove of trees! Watch out for the geese!" But Wonder Woman understands that she can't just fly a normal person at super speed without possibly damaging that person. Now if she had access to the Speed Force, I think Clark would be protected because Barry carries people around at super speed all the time and he doesn't arrive at their destination with armfuls of gore and viscera. But Superman doesn't care if he's hurt during the flight because he doesn't want to let Lana Lang down. She's in trouble and he wasn't able to save her parents and she never let him hear the end of it. So if she's hurt now, she'll berate him constantly. Although if he is hurt on the way, how is he going to help Lana? These are the kinds of foolish mistakes Superman has been making lately that have been getting him in a lot of trouble.

Wonder Woman doesn't go fast enough so Lana and Steel are gone by the time they get there. Abducted! That only leaves one course of action: put on a disguise and go ask around in town!

Look at that! Tomasi has a calm person rationally state why Clark has become a pariah. Now was that so hard?

The idea that Superman causes more harm by existing than by not existing is entirely the fault of unimaginative writers who have had their claws in him for so long. One of my biggest criticisms of super hero comic books is how often the hero is the cause of the attack by the super villains. Why even bother being the protector of Gotham if Gotham is destroyed by Joker Gas simply because the protector of Gotham lives there? What use is a secret identity to keep your loved ones safe if villains are just moving past the personal attachments to destroy the city where the hero lives? I suppose that's the problem with the use of recurring villains in comic booksl. You can't just ignore the past. Villains are going to be upset that their plans were foiled by the good guy. So they're eventually going to just go after the good guy to get him out of the picture so they can go back to their schemes in peace. I guess fans just like to see the conflicts so they don't care so much about motivation. But I think the lack of motivation in the villain causes this kind of messy bullshit which editors eventually think creates great drama and conflict. I should probably just start skipping bullshit story arcs like this.

One of the old guys in front of the barber shop has the old Kent mailbox. He said it fell out of the sky. So Clark and Diana head to the farm to find Clark's old house and barn and shed and chicken coop and driveway and fence and probably his dead pets buried around back gone. Somebody abducted not just Lana and John Henry but the Kent Farm as well. What a mystery!

While Clark and Diana look around, some mystery person watches them via satellite and begins initiating Protocol AC638. What happened in Action Comics #638? I think that's a clue! Etrigan was on the cover! But it was one of those 48 page books with multiple stories, so any one of them could hold the answer to Protocol AC638!

Superman heads over to the Kent Family Cemetery to find all of the bodies have also been stolen. While freaking the fuck out over that, he's attacked by the Suicide Squad. His life really has turned to shit, hasn't it?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm bored by this. Completely bored! Bored almost to annihilation! I'm beginning to cease to exist I've become so bored. Maybe I can force myself into a coma if I concentrate hard enough. If I manage it, will one of you promise to wake me up when this whole Superman Truth thing is over? I think that will be around September.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17

Um. Isn't this the rape scene?

So back in 1834 or whenever this movie came out, a graphic artist thought the most iconic image, the moment that could most sell this movie, is the moment Rhett Butler sweeps old Whats'ername up in his arms and hauls her up the stairs to fuck her. I suppose back when the film was made, this scene was showing a man finally taking control and putting his overly independent wife in her place. Rhett was all, "Look here! I'm tired of you talking down to me! Just because I'm good looking and have a terrifically fine mustache, that doesn't mean I'm stupid! You really should treat me better, you! Do you think you're ever going to find another man to love you? This is your last chance at true love! Sure, you're just about the most attractive woman that ever lived and holy shit those eyes and you're fiercely independent and stubborn in a life-affirming way and you've got wealth beyond imagining (at least for now), and any man would think you're just about the greatest catch in the whole world! But I'm tired of not fucking you just because you don't want to fuck me! So we're going to do it and you're going to like it like a good woman of this day and age would! You'll be all, 'Oh, Rhett! I'm so innocent and virginal and I would never put your cock in my mouth!' But you're going to, missy! I'm not spending another night out in the slave barracks raping your slaves! We're married, dagnabbit, and we're going to do the sloppy sheet dance!" And Scarlet was all, "But I don't have any more sheets because I made them into underwear!"

When I first saw Gone With the Wind, I thought Scarlet O'Hara was just the greatest character of any film ever. I still might although it's been years since I've seen the film, so I don't really know how I'd feel about it now. She knew what she wanted and she made plans to get it. I just remember wishing she would have shot Rhett in the ass on his way out the door instead of acting like she finally wanted him. Fuck that prick! She should have been standing on his shallow grave when she made the Tara speech!

Now that I've lost a bunch of readers for flippantly talking about a possible rape scene and the violent history of rape and racism in the plantation lifestyle in a nearly hundred year old movie, let's talk about how Superman was busy being a mind controlled dickhead yet again! That's right! Superman, champion of truth, justice, and the way that might be American although the people that think they're being American probably wouldn't do a thing Superman's way anymore because they're all fucking selfish pieces of shit, has once again let himself fall victim to magic brainwashing. If he can't stop this from happening, he's too dangerous to be allowed on Earth. That's the bottom line. Until he can protect himself from being used for evil, he can't protect anybody. For the good of everybody, Superman, please leave Earth posthaste.

"Frankly my dear, NRAGHH!"

Diana beats the shit out of Clark because duh. She's trained in combat her whole life while Superman has never needed to know the amount of knowledge gained from the first ten minutes in a beginner's Karate class. When you're invulnerable and raised on a farm, why do you need to learn any combat techniques? Diana is invulnerable too but she was raised in a warrior's society. So she's got the moves to kick Superman's ass while he knows how to milk a cow.

Whoa now Nellie! Let's not go throwing the H-B-derogatory-slander-slur-humiliation-word around willy-nilly! Got a slight case of the self-hatesies, do yeh?

I really find it odd that Wonder Woman is using a term like half-breed here. Peter J. Tomasi is really kind of fucking this comic book up, isn't he?

Also, should I discuss Circe's comment about Diana's "clay-baked mother"? Oh wait! I just got it. I thought maybe Hippolyta was going to be the character formed out of clay. But Circe is making a comment about how Hippolyta was turned into clay! Ouch! Burn!

Last issue Circe said she was going to have Superman kill a bunch of humans for kicks. But she seems to have changed her mind. Now she just wants to taunt Diana while Magog goes on a rampage somewhere in America. Circe gives Diana a choice: enter the portal to stop Magog or try to break the spell on Superman before it becomes permanent. Wonder Woman enters the portal because Superman can take care of himself, even if magic or Kryptonite or The Batman is involved.

Let me guess: this is where Ed Benes took over the penciling job?

Magog notices that Diana's lasso is missing when he threatens to string her up with it. That's because she left it somewhere else! Um...oh! She probably gave it to Superman to help him know the truth of who he is so that he can break Circe's spell! She's so smart and sneaky and sexually competent.

Superman breaks the spell but is unable to stop Circe because she still knows enough magic to teleport him away from her. Then she uses the H-B-serious-negative-connotations-and-historically-used-to-denigrate-and-try-to-shame-a-whole-race-of-people-word against Wonder Woman. See? That's why I mentioned Wonder Woman must be self-hating. Also, the word works in Circe's mouth because it's hateful. I don't think Wonder Woman would ever let that word pass over her tongue. And through those full, gorgeous lips. And maybe dribble out and down her chin to drip across her bare, heaving bosom. And then it would slide slowly between her...uh...where am I? I sort of got lost in a daydream there.

Superman winds up where Wonder Woman is and they break Magog's neck together.

Seriously. He may be near invulnerable but both of these heroes punching him in the chin at the same time? I don't buy it. How hard do they each know to punch so that he's knocked out but not killed when they don't know how hard the other one is punching? I suppose I'm expected to believe that Magog can only be knocked out by the combined, full strength of these two? That's one tough goatboy. That means Magog is stronger than Doomsday, right?

After Diana cleans up and Clark takes Magog (back in little boy form) to ARGUS to lock him up for life because fuck the law, Diana decides to write a series of Young Adult novels about the people that are attacked by super villains. She really plays up how the super villains are to blame so nobody ever again thinks the super heroes are to blame. And then she shows how the super heroes save every life they can because they're super awesome. Then there's a chapter where some young girl that won the Nobel Prize for poetry and is dying of cancer gets her first kiss from a teenage astronaut that solved every unsolvable math problem by the time he was eight and has one magic testicle. She's probably going to spin them off in their own series later!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't know. I make some pretty horrible jokes and never take anything seriously, so I probably shouldn't give a shit that Wonder Woman called the Animen "half-breeds." But nobody expects decency out of me! We all expect Diana to be the most decent and kind and loving person on the planet! So, man, that just really struck a chord. A bad chord! One of those chords you hear that makes your spine tingle and you grit your teeth and your spleen explodes. Truly awful and so unlike Peter's other New 52 work. Hey Pete? What the fuck is going on, dude? You need a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a nap? Go take a weekend off to recharge because you're not killing this book at all. I mean in a good way! You're totally killing this book in a bad way!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16

Hey. Hey Tumblr. Lesh me tellsh you a shecret. You're drunk. No wait. I'm drunk. You're kind of cute. Can I put my hand in your crotsch? Yeah. Here I go! Going down. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Um. Uh. Tumblr? Do you have a crotsch? Your torsho jusht keepsh goink and goink and goink. You're weird. Imma not gonna fuck you now. Good bye.

Hey. Hey Blogshpot, you whore.

End scene! That was my short play, Drunk Guy Fucks Internet. I'm going to win a Pulitzer! Do you win those for plays?

Last issue of Superman Loves Wonder Woman was, surprisingly, garbage. You might think it brings a thrill to my black little hole where my soul would be if souls existed to shovel shit all over a comic book I found poorly written but then you'd have another think coming. I mean, you would if you wanted to keep thinking thoughts until you thought the correct thought. I don't like trashing a comic book written by a writer that I've grown to respect. Peter Tomasi has done some fine work for The New 52 (and apparently some fine Preboot stuff too but how would I know about that stuff? I didn't exist before September 2011. I mean, I didn't start reading comic books until I was summoned from the 34th Plane of the Abyss before September 2011. I mean, I began reading comic books again in September 2011). And since he's written some of my favorite stuff, I hate to slap him in the head and scream, "Don't do bad writing!" I found that doesn't work for Lobdell and Nocenti but it's fun slapping them anyway. Also, I don't believe in actual physical violence. I'm just writing words here, words that express an imaginary situation.

I forget what the point of that last paragraph was going to be so let's move on to the comic book, shall we?

The issue begins with little David Magog remembering his mother being taken away by Parademons five years ago.

"NO! Fuck you Superman and Wonder Woman! How dare you not have any part of my mother being stolen by alien beings!"

I'm glad nobody can see my memories like this! Because when my mom was bleeding out in the car accident, I yelled, "Mom! I hope you have your will squared away so I don't have to worry about a ton of bureaucratic nonsense!"

That was a lie. My mom is still alive. She calls me to discuss Walking Dead every other week or so. She's the one to thank that I'm incapable of emotion because I buried the heart of my secret self deep within me. It was the only way to not completely flip the fuck out when she would watch horror movies with me every weekend. I was just a kid! I thought it was fun! I had no idea it was going to wear my psyche down to a fine polish so that everything in life just slips right past it. Now I can't love and I can't take anything seriously and I keep the rotting carcasses of neighborhood children in my basement.

Shit man. This commentary is getting dark! Maybe I should give you guys my mother's phone number so you can call her and yell at her for ruining my life! Or you could just call her up and discuss the Walking Dead with her. She'd totally love that!

Is that weird that Wonder Woman trusts her mother? Is that a common thing? You might understand why I ask that after having read the previous few paragraphs.

For some reason, Circe doesn't like Wonder Woman. It might have been explained last issue. Or it might be explained in a page or two by Circe herself since villains love to, you know, spill the beans. Literally?

I know why Magog wants to kill Superman! Because Magog is an idiot projecting his rage against Darkseid onto Superman and the other Justice League members. He and David Graves should really begin a support network for people whose loved ones died because a super hero wasn't around to save them. Lana Lang was almost a member of this group but she realized she was acting like a brat and throwing a tantrum because her friend Superman didn't give her parents special life-saving treatment.

Oh, enough out of you! Deal with your guilt in a less destructive way. Have you tried roleplaying games?

Meanwhile some Evil Mister Smarty Pants continues to plan his evil plan using the Fearsome Five and some other b-list villains like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster.

Circe teleports away with Wonder Woman and leaves Magog to murder Superman while he's busy holding the bridge together. Instead, Superman decides to kick Magog's ass with just his eyes.

I guess he uses his feet a bit too.

Superman beats Magog down, fixes the bridge, and breaks Magog's weapon. When he does, he's vaporized instantly! Or maybe just teleported to another location. Who can guess?!

Circe has brought Wonder Woman, encased in asphalt, to the island of AIAIA! Now's where she tells her why she wants to kill her!

Oh, Circe is evil! Trying to stir up all this Amazons are rapists and Wonder Woman is the son of a man shit again!

Superman appears but since Circe is magic, he's not going to be much use. He might look at her angrily and say some bold, righteous words of justice, but in the end he'll just get taken out of the fight by a simple spell. Meanwhile Wonder Woman breaks out of her asphalt tomb and begins bashing in the heads of Circe's ani-men. What does that stand for? Animal Men? Animated Semen? When she's finished knocking Circe's entire army unconscious, Circe tells her she as decided not to kill Wonder Woman now. Instead, she'll have Superman kill as many humans as possible because that would totally hurt Diana's feelings. Although, you know, this is a really good time for Wonder Woman to take some of her anger out on Superman over giving her that stupid flower that turns into a monster if it doesn't get fed on a daily basis. What a douche present! She should knock out at least one of his molars for that shit.

I'm fucking serious this time, Superman. You need to check yourself, brah! This whole thing where you tell everybody in the world that you're not dangerous to the world and you don't plan on becoming a fascist leader forcing everybody to do your whim in a ploy to eradicate evil. But you keep fucking getting mind controlled which is even worse! All of those people in power, all of the citizens afraid of your power, and Lex Luthor...all of those people I'm constantly calling assholes because they don't believe in you...fuck man. I owe them all an apology! Because you are a fucking hazard to Earth! Until you find a way to assure everybody that you won't destroy the world because Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Circe or Doomsday have taken over your senses, you need to get the fuck off of the planet. At least let Batman rig some kind of Kryptonite Suicide Capsule in one of your molars which he can activate by remote control. You may never plan on hurting anybody on Earth, Superman, but you've proven that you haven't done enough to stop other people from using you to hurt everybody on Earth. You need to go to Mars and figure something out because I'm sick of you going on these mind control rampages!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I guess this story arc is supposed to be exciting because Superman and Wonder Woman are being challenged by two of their biggest foes, Magog and Circe. But neither one of them are really angry at either one of the heroes! It's all just misplaced rage! Supervillains are supposed to be smart and/or insane. I think these two are just stupid. Okay, maybe Magog went insane as a little kid and then went even more insane when only five years later a super hot witch turned him into a real live man and probably taught him about carnal good times. But Circe is just being a dick because she's pissed off at Hippolyta. Go take your revenge on Hippolyta if you're so...oh. Right. Oh, okay. Carry on then. Beat the shit out of her daughter! I mean, after Superman beats the shit out of her.