Justice League United #13

Yay! The Creature Commandos are back! Unless I meant "Yay! Cliff Steele is back!"

I'm always the last to know about these kinds of things but I'll act like a reporter breaking news right now and mention that Justice League United is the best Justice League book on the shelves right now. I hope it runs forever!

This issue begins in Arracourt, France in 1940 during the Korean War on Drugs. The good version of Sgt. Rock is sending Easy Company into certain danger as he splits up with them. The bad version of Sgt. Rock isn't in this comic book because 2011's Men At War was cancelled early on during The New 52 because it was terrible. Really awful. I'd say it was worse than Grifter at the time to underscore my point but I try to avoid hyperbole and lying directly to my audience, especially when the lie is as obvious as saying any comic book at all was worse than Grifter.

As Sgt. Rock goes door to door telling the French to hide their pot, he runs into Vandal Savage and my body becomes a gigantic goose pimple. Gross. The comic book isn't gross though! This may have been the best beginning to any New 52 DC You comic book I've ever read! And Robotman and the Creature Commandos have yet to appear! I feel sorry for anybody not reading this comic book. You'll be sorry when the series reaches issue #100 and every single back issue is worth a little over cover price. Boom! Investments, baby!

Are we shipping these two now? Ravage? Sgandal? Easy Company?

The next scene takes place in the present where Vandal Savage is being kidnapped by Animal Man and Alanna Strange. He's needed to save the world! I hope he doesn't meet up with Sgt. Rock's corpse or there could be trouble. And blow jobs.

Also kidnapped to work for the Justice League United are Batgirl, Cliff Steele, and John Henry Irons (also a Steel). They're somewhere in Zeta Space or something. Wherever they are, they're not on Earth because Cliff's GPS doesn't work and according to knowing things, GPS doesn't work everywhere in the universe. It isn't some magical talisman that communes with the stars to reveal a person's location in space, time, and alternate realities, Cliff. Stop being so ignorant! Now everybody is going to know that the "Robot" part of your name isn't very accurate because robots wouldn't go about saying stupid things. Unless they were programmed to sound not very smart to maintain the illusion that they have the brain of an actual man inside of them. That's just the kind of thing Niles Caulder would program into a robot he constructed to make it think it was the brain of a not very good racer!

The new team finds out the location of the current Breaker that must be broken before it destroys all time and space: Arracourt, France! DUH DUH DUN! "But that's where Vandal Savage and Sgt. Rock were last seen flirting," you gasp because you're probably like me and that's what I gasped. "That means Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage are going to be reunited once more like a scene from a mid-90s rom-com!" you sputter as you pull your dick out of your pants. Or you pull whatever ladies have in their pants out if you're a lady. Is it a crotch boobie? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised someday.

Stargirl joins Steel, Vandal, Batgirl, and Steele as they rush in to the time vortex that has descended on Arracourt. That means they'll get to encounter all of DC's legendary World War I, World War II, and Korean War on Drugs characters! My brain has a total boner!

The main problem with Justice League United's missions, as pointed out by Jason Blood last issue, is that they always come with a cost. That cost is probably the death or traumatic near death of one of their members. Last time it was Swamp Thing. Luckily Poison Ivy took him back to her lab to Florence Vaginagale him back to health. This time, Cliff Steele will probably be destroyed because he's always destroyed. Every time. It's kind of his, and Red Tornado's, thing.

Cliff's so used to it that he's actively trying to be destroyed.

Stargirl is kidnapped by the Red Baron as she tries to survey the battlefield from the air. Serves her right! Maybe she'll remember this the next time Justice League United needs somebody to work for them and she'll think about passing them a note instead.

Steel flies off with Robotman on his back to try to help Stargirl. That leaves Batgirl to fend for herself once Vandal Savage slips off on his date with Sgt. Rock.

I guess Batgirl will join forces with the Creature Commandos next issue. Stupid lying cover.

Justice League United #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. Justice League United should be rebranded as Strange Adventures or Mystery in Space because it feels more like one of those series than a Justice League book. But since it has "Justice League" in the title, I should probably compare it to the other Justice League books: it's much better! But it doesn't have Batman in it so all of the worst DC Comics fans probably aren't reading it. Plus it had that initial story about the Legion of Super-heroes coming back in time to make sure their timeline continued to exist which is always the worst kind of time travel story. The past already happened correctly, douches! Stop going back into the past of alternate timelines and ruining their futures! So that nonsense has probably kept a lot of people from returning to this title since it mysteriously reappeared on the shelves a full month after the two months full of Convergence crap. Did anybody even remember it hadn't been cancelled?! I hope it never gets cancelled!