Deathstork #16

I am not Shooping this cover so just pretend it reads "Deathstork".

The Review!
Deathstork has gone blind so now his name is Twilight and he kills people with the help of his guide sidekick, Roscoe. Currently he's battling a guy named Deadline so if you had "Eventually somebody will come up with a stupider name than Deadpool" on your superhero pool at work, you still haven't won anything. Let's face it. Deadpool is a dumb name derived from Deathstork. At least Deadline makes it sound like "Oh! I've taken out a contract to kill a person so now that person's life is running on a deadline! And that deadline is my gun! KERPOW!" I guess Deadpool is called Deadpool because there was that Clint Eastwood film a few years earlier and it was probably on television when Rob Liefeld was thinking, "What should I give the name of my Marvel version of Deathstork?"

Although Deadline might beat out Deadpool for stupidest idea ever because Deadpool eventually found a niche in the superhero world that made him popular and Deadline has a weapon called an Infinity Rifle. It uses alien isotopes to create static disruptive shells around its targets. That sounds cool!

The new Power Girl has a fake boob window and it's making me angry. She also has an illusory underboob awning! That's making me less angry and more the other thing. You know, the emotion that powers the Violet Lanterns except more sexy.

Well, now she has a belly window!

See what kind of damage the Infinity Rifle does? Pretty awesome, right?! It could probably kill Superman. Why didn't Lex Luthor think up this weapon?

In the B-story line, Rose finds out that her Hmong family are all actors paid for by Slade. She finds out from Etienne, the woman Joseph is about to kill. I mean marry. He's already fucked her. Also I think he probably will kill her after marrying her when he finds out she's been fucking his father. That story doesn't have any blood in it yet so let's go back to the story where Deadline is about to get his hand cut off and then mauled by Roscoe.

Deadline has all sorts of special powers which he received from his encounter with an alien race. I bet it was just government agents in stupid costumes fucking with him. He also explains his moniker. If he doesn't kill a person by the guaranteed deadline, the kill is free. So why didn't he call himself Domino's?

Deadline's alien tech allows him to phase through solid objects. He likes to kill people by phasing a hand into their chest and going solid. Although that probably hurts his hand too so he usually just relies on the Infinity Rifle. As you saw, that makes a pretty good mess of even people with invulnerability.

Do you think Power Girl is actually dead? It would be interesting if DC allowed her to die in this series. It's not like she was being interesting in any other comic book, even the ones she was appearing in.

Darn it. She's still alive.

The Ranking!
No change! I wasn't paying particularly close attention to this issue. That'll happen, life being what it is.

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Deathstork #8

Shit, Adeline really got to Supes!

I was disappointed with Batman's guest appearance a few issues ago because he just ignored Deathstork being in his city. I suppose that's the smart thing to do, really. If Batman isn't going to arrest Slade (and he never does!), why bother getting into a tussle with him? It'll just end with a whole bunch of broken walls and windows and skylights. Which, come to think of it, is exactly why Batman should bother! Wayne Wall, Window, and Skylight Repair would make a fortune!

I don't think I'm going to be disappointed with this confrontation though. Superman has a history of solving all of his problems by punching them in the face. Okay, so Batman does as well. But there's no way Priest can pull that "the hero acts reasonably and responsibly" bullshit twice in one story arc! Fans would riot! And Deathstork fans are the worst! They riot whenever somebody points out that Slade Wilson is an unethical, morally repugnant pedophile!

Slade decides to give up without a fight. But that doesn't mean he has to shut up.

Oh my god! He's a bigger nag than Adeline!

Adeline and Slade are really making Superman look like a lazy chump. But Superman just has to put up with it. He knows the crap Slade Wilson has done because Batman probably whines incessantly about Deathstork sometimes being called the Batman Who Kills. But what is he supposed to do about Alisante? Take Deathstork's word for it? Bring Alisante in without any evidence as to why? At least Adeline had warrants on Slade and evidence of his misdeeds. Superman can't just grab anybody off the street (or the ocean) and drop them off with the cops with a note saying, "Bad person. Do something about it." Although on pages two and three of the last issue, Superman was hauling the entire aircraft carrier to land. So maybe he'll use his x-ray vision to see all of the drugs inside the ship. Does Superman need a search warrant or can he use his x-ray vision for probable cause? Not that Superman has to follow the same procedures as police officers do. But I'm sure he probably tries to, for his own peace of mind.

Luckily for me and my need to see Deathstork beat up Superman, Slade fires a shot into Superman's face as he pretends to give up. Superman then begins to do that thing that makes all of his battles last so long. He hits Deathstork as hard as he thinks he can hit him without putting his fist clean through him. It's not hard enough because of Slade's Ikon Suit. So Superman recalculates and tries a little harder. And then a little harder. And then a little harder than that. See? This is why all of Superman's fights aren't just one punch and done. If Superman knew exactly how hard he could hit an opponent without killing them, then his fights would be short. But he has to be extra careful or else the next time he sees Batman, Batman will be all, "Everybody who hasn't killed anybody can sit by me!"

Pounding on Deathstork's Gravity Armor gives Superman a nosebleed from the shock waves bouncing back at him after each punch. Superman just got rope-a-doped! If you don't know what a rope-a-dope is, you should read Catwoman #15 where Ann Nocenti explains it to the idiots reading her garbage.

Meanwhile, Rose learns that Etienne, Joseph's fiance, works for HIVE. Just like Grant! Just like Adeline! Just like maybe not those two and maybe not HIVE but probably! Nobody is who anybody thinks they are in this thing! Even Superman isn't really Superman since he's Preboot Superman!

Apparently, the Ikon Suit isn't Adeline speaking to him. It's just the stupid suit talking. But it sounds like Wintergreen so that maybe Slade will finally let the real Wintergreen retire. Superman is given an earpiece to listen to Ikon Wintergreen because he's even better at philosophical bullshit and making a person feel guilty than both Adeline and Slade combined! He's all, "So what is justice? What laws do you follow? When do you punch a guy in the face and when do you kick him in the nuts? Who told you you could police the world and what Goddamned rulebook do you follow?!"

Through a bunch of legerdemain and distracting balderdash, Deathstork manages to kill his target while Superman flails around like a Magic the Gathering player trying to take off a bra. Sure, I'm assuming the Magic the Gathering player here is a male but I'm not clarifying whether the bra is on himself or a woman he's about to see naked. You know which one is most plausible.

It's as if Priest were given Deathstork to write and told, "Give people a reason to root for him other than the disgusting bloodlust of enjoying seeing baddies sent to Hell!" And he was like, "Sure! No problem! Easy peasy! Why has everybody found this so hard to do?"

In the DC Universe, if you want to show that your character is a huge bad-ass not to be trifled with, you have them kick Lobo's ass. If you want to show that your character has a conscious and possibly a heart and is actually trying to do the right thing even if maybe they go about it in a blood-soaked manner, you have them engage in a conversation with Superman. Deathstork understands that just because something is a law, it doesn't make it lawful. Sure, his morality also offers a chance to put a significant amount of money into his bank account but maybe there's a reason Batman didn't pursue him while he was in Gotham. Batman operates on the same assumption that sometimes doing things legally isn't enough to get the job done. It's just that Deathstork doesn't mind going whole hog into that line of reasoning. I've liked the character of Deathstork for a long time (it's why I have so many of his comic books!) but I've never really liked the way he's been written. There have been the rare exceptions and this series is one of those.

Also, can you imagine if Red Hood and Batman had basically this same kind of conversation? It would go a long way to fixing Red Hood and cementing why he does things the way he does, and why Batman allows him to. I know some people might have a problem with using the word "allow," but, come on! It's Batman! He's the fascist dictator of Gotham ruling from the shadows! What happens in Gotham only happens because he allows it to happen!

Superman brought along Jericho to help stop Deathstork and to convince himself that he's washed the blood from his hands over whatever the hell situation he got himself involved in. It's all Jericho's clusterfuck now! But in the end, Supes does get the satisfaction of punching Deathstork in the face and knocking him out. Clark and Bruce will later probably swap tales of beating up Deathstork over a beer.

In the end, Superman embarrasses the United States by exposing their ties to the drug lord Deathstork just assassinated right under Superman's nose. He does it to show Adeline and everybody else in the government who wants to keep using them to fight their ideological battles that he's not on anybody's side and he won't be manipulated. He's on the side of his own ideology which is, according to Superman, totally the right one. According to Batman, it's totally an infantile one! But hey, like Deathstork or Rose or somebody said earlier in this story arc, "Tomato, tomato."

Superman places Deathstork in the custody of the Coast Guard so that Slade will be able to free himself by next issue. And, finally, Rose Wilson leaves her dad in the present while she heads off to investigate her Hmong past. Also she's being followed by some white guy! Epilogue!

The Ranking!
No change. Isn't it nice to have a Deathstork comic book that's well done, Deathstork fans? Now you don't have to send me angry messages over the Internet every time I bash your precious anti-hero. You see, it's never been my goal to attack Deathstork. I don't have any personal vendetta against any character in popular fiction. What kind of an insane garbage hound do you think I am?! My goal is, to be precise, to attack horrible writing and terrible art! We might disagree on what those are but know that if we do, you're almost certainly wrong. Mostly because the majority of people can't get past their own internal desires that color the world with their bias, and so they defend awful and terrible things simply because they support their cuckoo world view. But I have a secret and it is this: I don't give a shit about anything except being entertained so that I can, for whatever length of time it gives me, be blissfully ignorant and unaware of my eventual descent into the grave. Just be fucking good and entertaining and, maybe on occasion, terribly, terribly smart and witty and so clever my envy will burn as fiery and hot as the interior of a thousand suns. If you're none of those things, my wrath and disgust will burn even hotter.

Teen Titans #2

I'm so thrilled that Raven has lost the stupid mask of feathers that I'm not even going to mention Starfire's missing right boob.

This issue begins with Damian proving that he needs to spend less time patrolling the streets of Gotham all night and more time studying.

I'm not a professional evolutionary batologist but I think I can already detect some holes in Damian's reasoning!

I'll give Damian an A+ for his opening statement! Bats are the only mammals that can fly! Aside from my cat when she's annoying me, and she only flies in short bursts that are usually stopped by the wall on the far side of the room. But his theory that an animal made a choice in its evolution is crazy talk! Not to mention that bats didn't actually trade their arms for wings! They just grew some leathery skin between their fingers. Which might also be what the bird did but even further back than the bat. I'm even less an evolutionary birdologist! Unless I'm just about equally neither. And why is Robin thinking about bats anyway?! He's named after a fucking bird! This little shit really needs to see the inside of a classroom. And why does he bring up switching on genes? I guess he's talking about the gene that makes wings instead of arms which is totally how evolution works and why a creature needs to make a conscious choice to evolve, which it then, apparently, does instantly because the gene switch gets flipped!

I think maybe Percy should stick to stories about how racism is totally uncool.

It's also quite possible that everything Damian just said makes perfect sense since I haven't seen the inside of a science classroom in twenty five years! Also, I spent most of my time in Biology trying to sleep with the girl who sat next to me. Little did I know that the girl who really wanted to sleep with me was in my Steinbeck class! "Sleeping with somebody" is old slang for "talking with somebody." I don't know which makes more sense because neither of those things is anywhere close to fucking!

Robin is still celebrating his thirteenth birthday in the flashbacks. He spent the earlier part of the day eating cake with Alfred. Now he's celebrating the part of the day where his mother visits.

That's a slick looking Damian logo.

Damian continues to mope because his father is too busy doing Justice League things to celebrate Damian's birthday with him. It's pathetic! I don't think I'm going to get used to sad sack Damian! "My father didn't come to my birthday party! I have no friends! My grandfather wants to kill me!" Fucking baby! Buck up!

Talia's gift to Damian was information about the Demon's Fist. Five assassins who all got to choose five targets as their thesis projects. So basically the Demon's Fist chose the new Teen Titans roster. That's fitting since the Teen Titans have never done anything but react to people trying to kill them. It has always been the worst super team in the DC Universe. They're not super heroes; they're super targets.

Damian kidnapped the future Teen Titans and brought them to San Francisco. I hope that's going to be their base of operations because San Francisco is always getting shortchanged in the DC Universe. When it does get some love, it's usually because some shitty back-up team or second squad takes up residence there. It's possible DC was just trying to preserve continuity since most of San Francisco was destroyed in Shade the Changing Man #9.

Starfire must be thinking, "Why am I hanging out with these children?" Or "I'm so fucking horny!" One of those.

Damian explains to the others why their lives are in danger. You know, that thing about the thesis and graduating from assassin school! He says the Demon's Fist choose their targets by finding somebody who will make a good rival--"the sun to their moon," as he explains it. I didn't know the sun and the moon were rivals! Is that from The Bible?

Talia gave Damian a USB drive with information on the assassins. They are Blank, an albino shapeshifter who decided Beast Boy would make a good rival because Beast Boy is green. Green and white are rivals like the sun and the moon, I guess. Then there's Stone who has super strength and Earth powers. His target is Starfire because sometimes the sun has a rivalry with the Earth. It's kind of a complicated three way rivalry system. The moon and the Earth also fight, like when Eclipso battles Terra. After that is Plague who has a diseased touch. Her enemy is Raven because, I guess, Raven's eat the corpses of people who have died from the plague. That reasoning is about as good as the sun gossiping about the moon behind its Earth, right? Then there's Nightstorm who "can bend the weather to his will, weaponizing it into a hard wind or gusting himself into flight." Ooh, scary! He can make a strong breeze! His rival is Kid Flash because Kid Flash isn't just about speed. Remember he's got that lightning bolt on his chest, so lightning is somehow important to his character or something. Finally there is the leader of the Demon's Fist, Mara! She's super smart and knows Kung Fu really well and can stab things and stuff. She's basically a female Robin so her target is Damian.

Now that the Teen Titans have been told that they have archenemies, they're ready to build a Tower and become a fully operational superhero team! I imagine it's only a matter of time before some councilperson in San Francisco begins trying to kick them out of the city. I mean, this whole new Rebirth incarnation of them is supposed to fix them so they're not criminals who do nothing but garner public derision. But I can't help feeling they're already heading down that path.

While Damian is trying to convince the others that he's as great as he knows he is, the Demon's Fist attacks!

Why does Mara have bandages all over her inner thighs? Does her vagina secrete battery acid?

The first thing Blank tries against Beast Boy is to look like Beast Boy. Beast Boy simply looks at him like, "WTF?" At least, I think that's how he's looking at him. He's currently in the form of a tiger and I'm not great at reading the facial expressions of tigers. I assume most of their expressions mean either "I'm going to kill and eat you" or "I'm going to kill and not eat you." Then Blank decides to look like Red Robin. If Beast Boy weren't so sensitive, he would now simply turn into a gorilla and pound Blank into a shapeless puddle. But he's a huge baby and becomes too sad to battle.

The first thing this team needs to work on when they begin training is their battle repartee.

The others all encounter their own problems with defeating their Demon's Fist rivals. I guess they'll have to come up with a plan other than the one where they allow the Demon's Fist to dictate the rules of battle. That plan will probably be to work together or to switch combatants. Since this is a comic book, there aren't any other choices. Oh, except to be defeated soundly or to run! This is, after all, only their first encounter with the Demon's Fist. The Rules of Comic Books practically demands that the heroes be unsuccessful in this first battle. But after that, they'll do one of those two plans I previously outlined.

If Kid Flash becomes Nightstorm's greatest enemy, doesn't that mean Nightstorm is fated to fail to kill Kid Flash and flunk out of assassin school? No wonder he hates him so much!

Mara tells the Teen Titans Damian's secret about being Ra's al Ghul's grandson and they all immediately flip the fuck out. As if having a racist grandfather makes the grandchild racist! Nobody in comic books can think logically. They all just jump to conclusions and instantly lose trust in anybody who has told them one teeny tiny lie. Although I suppose they had no trust in Damian to begin with since he kidnapped them and was forcing them into his stupid new Teen Titans.

Damian and Goliath flee the cave when Mara sets off explosives to collapse it on everyone. But he does come back to retrieve the other Teen Titans and to tell them that he's chosen the way of the Batman instead of the way of the Assassin, even though his father is a huge asshole who can't even be bothered to stop by on Damian's thirteenth birthday.

San Francisco experiences its first case of massive property damage without any of the benefits of having superheros in town. That's what the Teen Titans bring to your city! Good luck, San Francisco!

The Review!
This is par for the course for the Teen Titans. They form a group which subsequently simply fights villains who attack them directly. The plots are formulaic in that the Teen Titans often face a group of foes whose powers match theirs in some way, and the Teen Titans are beat until they learn to work together (or fight the foes whose powers are like the member of the team whose ass they can consistently kick!). They never actually perform any actions for the greater good. But I will say, that's a step up from a team that actively breaks the law or is written by Scott Lobdell!

I still haven't been reminded how I'm supposed to feel about racism. It was bad right?

Justice League #6

The men all look disgusted while Diana and Jessica look somewhat intrigued. Are they facing off against naked, erect Despero?

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with a Fear Monster attacking Earth. Only one member of the Justice League is not afraid: Jessica Cruz. It's because she spent so much of her life being afraid that she's immune to being afraid now! Except that she isn't. She still suffers from anxiety. But that's a different kind of fear! I'd much rather fight for my life against a tiger than spend a holiday around people I've never met before. Besides, I'm pretty sure I could take a tiger! I think you just have to grab it by the toe, right?

• Oh, Simon Baz is also not quite as afraid as the other Justice League members. So it's less about Jess having built up a gigantic callous on her brain when it comes to fear of legitimate varieties (I don't mean certain fears aren't real feelings. But, really, if you're afraid of moths, you know that's not a fear with actual consequences. Moths aren't going to hurt you. Unless you're deathly allergic to them and they can send you into anaphylactic shock by accidentally bumping against your face in a chaotic manner) and more about Green Lanterns being chosen because they can overcome great fear. Although why is Batman being such a coward?! Doesn't he know some sort of Tibetan mind trick to overcome terror?

• The Justice League defeat the fear by holding hands and being brave. It would have been more interesting if they'd done it in song like how Buffy and the Scooby Gang did. Since this was the opening scene of an ongoing story, does that mean the bulk of the story will be how the Justice League have to now walk alone in fear?

• After the battle, The Flash puts his arm around Jess and tells her she did a good job. Jess's response is, "Barry, want to fuck?"

We get it, Barry. You eat pussy and asshole.

• Remember how in The Revenge of the Nerds, the nerd wins the girl by eating her out when she thinks it's her boyfriend performing the oral sex? What kind of message is that for young nerdy men?! If you can somehow get yourself in a position to lick a woman's private parts, no matter how deceitfully, she'll be so grateful that she won't slap you in the face and possibly kick your ass and probably not press charges afterward because then she'd have to endure a system which would be all, "You're just ashamed you fucked a nerd, right?" Besides, the real ending of the movie should have had the nerd going down on the woman and her reaction being, "What the fuck are you doing down there?! Ow. OW! What the hell?! Get away from me!"

• Another message from the end of that movie is that you'd have to be a desperate social outcast and major loser to put your face anywhere near a woman's vagina. Apparently the good looking guys have so many women falling all over their cocks that they don't have to worry about pleasuring any of them. I guess that's just a metaphor for how much they care about the women they're dating. Although what's the metaphor for how much you care for a woman when you trick them into oral sex?

• Cyborg and Simon Baz go off to hang out with each other while Aquaman needs "help" with "something". Batman heads off alone even though he wants to hang out with Superman. But Superman has a stupid family who is expecting him back from saving the world before dinner gets cold.

Brian Cunningham and his crew fixed the location of the farm from "Metropolis" to "Upstate from Metropolis." But they didn't fix the really egregious error. It's not the fucking Kent Farm! It's the Smith Farm!

• I'm not so sure the "Upstate From Metropolis" bit is actually a fix anyway. If Metropolis was New York, it would be fine. But according to the map in Death of Hawkman, Metropolis is about as upstate as you can get in Delaware. I mean, it actually looks like it's in Virginia in the Death of Hawkman #1 but I think they were trying to map it out as New York City in New York, Gotham in New Jersey, and Metropolis in Delaware.

• I just asked Lord Google about "upstate Delaware" and one of the Lord's leads was to a Wikipedia disambiguation page which reads: "The term upstate may refer to the northerly portions of several U.S. states. It also can refer to parts of states that have a higher elevation, away from sea level. These regions tend to be rural; an exception is Delaware." Ha ha!

• Barry gets to the restaurant and his date with Jessica thirteen minutes early. That's odd. Isn't Barry always late for everything? That's the joke! He's got superspeed but he's still always late! Maybe he's only late to dates with Iris because he doesn't really give a shit about her.

• Barry rushes off to get flowers and returns with a bouquet of stems. I guess the Speed Force has something against protecting flowers while Barry is running with them. I bet if Alan Moore or Warren Ellis took over this book, they'd remember this bit and use it as a plot point!

• I didn't realize Batman was being more needy and standoffish than usual because, you know, he's Batman. But I guess he's still mourning Tim Drake's loss. Oh, come on! It was just Tim Drake! It's not like he lost somebody interesting or entertaining!

• Jessica flips the fuck out on her date because Barry begins acting like a jerk and he touches her hand. Sheesh! I'd expect that kind of reaction from Guy Gardner but not from Barry Allen! Hand touching? Ugh! The nerve!

• At the Kent Farm over dinner, Lois and Clark begin snapping at each other after which Clark declares he's going to kill Batman. Hmm. I'm sensing that maybe the Justice League didn't completely destroy the Fear Monster!

The Ranking!
+0! I would have liked to see a date between Barry and Jessica that didn't end up in a chaotic kerfuffle but in a more handjobby, fingerbangy kerfuffle.

Bloodlines #6

It's a good thing this cover is on the last issue because it's terrible and nobody would ever look at it and think, "I have to pick up this comic book!"

The Facts!
• I'm still confused as to why this comic book exists. I suppose it exists because idiots like me buy comic books like this. But who at DC Comics thought, "You know what we haven't exploited enough? Bloodlines! I mean, we designed that shit to make us wheelbarrows full of cash! Why the fuck aren't all the crazy characters we trademarked during the Bloodlines Annual Debacle of Nineteen Ninety Whatever more popular?! You people do know we're doing movies now, right? Let's get some fucking Bloodlines movies going! Who wouldn't rush to the movies with a marquee reading 'SPARX!' in 3-D! Or 'JOE PUBLIC'! Or 'LIONHEART'! Or 'LOOSE CANNON'! Or...hey, you guys want to wake up? I'm making a killer pitch here!"

• Although, now that I've refreshed my mind with the list of truly horrible names and ideas of characters that came out of Bloodlines, I think it could make a terrific Netflix series. Given the right writers, of course! Somebody can make these terrible Bloodlines characters interesting in a way that doesn't ignore how absolutely terrible they are. It would have to be acknowledged that most of the powers people received sucked and most of the people who received those powers were unimaginative idiots who came up with terrible monikers.

• Currently, the Bloodlines Gang have found themselves on the Boss Level. The Bloodlines Queen is living in the crater where the meteor hit and turning all of the humans gathered up by Cardinal Sin into more terrible Bloodlines characters. Hopefully this isn't one of those final fights where the bad guy punches harder for a bit and then the good guys punch harder for a bit and then the bad guy punches so hard that she almost wins and then the good guys rally and punch hardest of all to win. I want to read a battle that's actually thought out for once. What happened to those battles where somebody said something like "One last chance!" and then did something crazy to save the day? Now they just say something like "I have more heart and stuff!" so that they can power through the beating and knock out or kill the bad guy with just a punch or a blast of their powers.

• The first problem is Cardinal Sin! Unless his name is Father Bad Guy. Whatever! He needs to be stopped so that the dozens of people battling back stop believing in God and just walk away.

Really? That pipsqueak just choked the fuck out of that old man with one hand? Maybe Albert not only has invisibility but super strength in one hand.

• Eddie the Incredible Bulk decides it's okay to kill all of the Bloodlines victims attacking him. Why not? Duncan the Urban Hunter said it was okay! And he killed his wife and kids! Why would he have done that if he wasn't telling the truth? You know, aside from maybe he didn't really love them and was sick of them ruining his life.

• Eddie the Incredible Dolt tells the other Bloodlines Gang members to walk away from the battle with the Bloodlines Queen because...well, I don't know why he does. They all have useful combat skills (except for Albert. He'd never be able to choke the Bloodlines Queen with just one hand) so you'd think they'd be an asset. Heck, they have better weapons than Eddie: knives, guns, electricity! But Eddie doesn't buy into all that team bullshit! I agree with him. Teams never really work as teams. Like the Titans! They'll be defeated and Nightwing will be all, "We didn't work together! Let's work together this time!" Then they'll do exactly the same thing they did when they were beaten but, because they said they were working together, they win! Eddie just decides that beating the Bloodlines Queen to death with his fists is probably the right course of action.

• Where is little Anima? You know, the six year old with the head and face of a twenty-six year old?

• Eddie the Incredible Joke declares, "I have more heart and stuff!" And just like that, he tears the Bloodlines Queen limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb from limb. Hooray! What a magnificently structured story!

• Duncan the Urban Hunter starts counting out a number of bullets which are exactly equal to the number of members in the Bloodlines Gang. First bullet is for Blake! You know, Gunfire! The jerk who turned bad first. But Haley remembers reading Of Mice and Men, so she kills him herself. Or, at least, it seems like she kills him. What she actually does is stab the parasite inside of him and yank it out. Then she walks away crying instead of waiting for him to begin to cough before making a miraculous recovery! After that, Haley can stab everybody and they'll all be fine!

• Dana and Eddie do it. Probably awkwardly.

• The next day, we discover Haley actually owns a full pair of pants. But why bother now? They'll be torn up shorts the next time she Wolver...er, knives out!

• The Bloodlines Gang climb into Blake's car and head to Metropolis to visit STAR Labs. Maybe they can get somebody who can actually perform delicate surgery to remove the parasites because it looks like maybe Blake didn't survive Haley gutting him. Whoops!

• The series ends with Anima murdering a bunch of people in a bar. Cliffhanger!

My Opinions!
It's not like I expected this series to have any kind of an ending other than the typical beat the shit out of the Boss Monster ending. It's not like I picked up Bloodlines by J.T. Krul thinking that I was going to read a story I'll never forget. It's not like any of that happened and took me by surprise. So, you know, this was exactly what I thought it was going to be. It's a comic book that sells for $2.99 an issue but is really only worth maybe fifty cents per issue. It's the kind of series nobody puts a lot of thought into but executives are probably crossing their fingers that a character within it somehow proves popular with the audience. Of course, only delusional business executives could think J.T. Krul would be the writer to make that happen. I think this was just an opportunity to try to breathe some life into some old trademarks. I guess they accomplished that?

Ranking: -3!

Bloodlines #5

This will make a great blog entry.

The Review!
Bloodlines is a comic book about a bunch of kids who were dealt an amazing hand but realized they were playing Pai gow and they didn't know how to set up their hands so they were all, "This sucks! I'm a loser!" Then they sat their pouting at the table thinking they were going to lose all of their money while everybody else at the table really was going to lose their money but didn't make a big deal out of it. Then this old guy was all, "Can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear!" as he set his losing hand down. Luckily he looked over and was all, "Hey, kids! You guys have great hands! Let me fix them up for you! You're sure to win now!" Although that part won't happen until Issue #6. Right now the kids still think they've been dealt shitty hands and are being dramatic in that way that only teenagers can be dramatic. You know the way if you're not a teenager! If you are a teenager, I'm just kidding. You guys aren't dramatic at all! Ha ha! Just kidding!

For a comic book about characters that nobody gives a shit about because they've just been created, it's not too bad. It's not going to make anybody care about a second Bloodlines series but it'll be a surprisingly okay read when somebody in the future buys them all out of a quarter box for a buck fifty.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with all the members of the up and coming Bloodlines Gang sitting around a garage not saying anything. The script probably read, "Page One: Whatever. Who cares? Fuck everything." If it didn't, don't steal that idea! I'm copymarking that right now! Then on Page Two everybody will be happy because the weight of feeling judged has been lifted from their shoulders. Then on Page Three, I'll have to introduce a character who totally cares about stuff like crazy because the movie will need conflict. That character will be the bad guy because they'll make everybody super unhappy by pointing out how they shouldn't be doing or saying things that hurt other people's feelings. But the people are all, "What the fuck? Who cares?! Everything is groovy!" And then the bad guy will explain why their feelings should be hurt by what the other people are doing and discord will be sewn and everything will go to Hell and fuck me. I just wrote the Garden of Eden story. Stupid Bible. It copymarked my story before I could even finish it!

The Bloodlines Gang are inside Stu's garage which inexplicably has the name of the garage on the inside window of the door. I guess that's so the employees don't forget where they work.

It also says "Stu's" right on the inside window of the door! Can't you read?

The way Haley is dressed reminds me that I saw a woman in her underwear as I walked by her house last night. It was the second floor window and there's usually a dog's head lolling out the window as if the people inside are just desperately filling it with farts. While the Non-Certified Spouse and I were walking by on the other side of the street, I checked to see if the dog was there and he was! I pointed it out to the Non-Certified Spouse, she glanced at it, acknowledged, "Yes, that's a dog," and then continued talking. I kept looking at the dog and a woman walked by in a short white shirt and black panties. From that point on, I don't remember anything the Non-Certified Spouse said.

Duncan the Urban Hunter begins to tell the Bloodlines Gang the story about how he killed his wife and son. He's all, "They got sick and I was all, 'Ugh! I have to take care of them both! Stupid wife getting sick at the same time as the kid! I'm calling my divorce lawyer!' But then I had a better idea! I would pretend they died and turned into zombies and I had to shoot their brains out! Worked like a charm! Except the part where the police were all, 'Wow! You saved us from a real outbreak! But I bet there are more of them out there. You'd better go kill more zombies or we're going to get suspicious!' So I had to go out and start killing more people and pretending they were zombies! And you kids are next!"

Eddie talks Duncan out of killing them by offering to be killed. I'm still trying to figure out how that one worked. Maybe I'll try it at the bar later. I'll go up to a potential sex encounter and say, "I totally don't want you sitting on my face as soon as possible." And if it works like Eddie's trick just worked, I'll be drowning in crotch sweat! Or it might just work how it usually works where the woman makes a face like she just saw the inside of an overturned outhouse and strangles out a noise like she's choking on a jellyfish. People do know they can just say no politely, right?! Gross, inappropriate perverts have feelings too!

I bet she's whispering something poetic like "My tender rose is red, your huge cock is blue, put it inside me right now, asshole." So romantic!

I wonder where Dana and Haley get their clothing? The fabric is strange! It shows every single contour of their body right down to the belly button and stomach muscles but it doesn't show a hint of a nipple! I'd love to find out where those clothes come from and burn the fucking place to the ground! I miss clothing that shows nipples! What happened to America?! Trump is right! It isn't great at all! I remember in the seventies when they couldn't figure out how to make shirts that didn't show nipples! What a time to be alive! Too bad I was like six or something.

The Bloodlines Gang discover the entire town has been turned into brainless...oh wait! That's how they usually are. But they don't usually march in the street and bitchslap the people they know like they're doing now! Luckily Duncan the Urban Hunter doesn't decide to begin killing them all because he quickly decides they're under a spell. I don't know how he tells the difference between Bloodline Zombie and Person He Probably Shouldn't Kill. Maybe he just doesn't have enough ammunition to shoot up a whole town.

Oh! A metaphor about religion happened to them! They're not braindead! They're brainwashed!

The first time I heard somebody say "God helps those who help themselves," I became an atheist because why the fuck do I need God then? What an asshole! He should help those who can't help themselves! What is he? An Ayn Randian?! Fucking dick!

Actually, I never believed in god. Nobody ever told me I was supposed to! Also, nobody told me I wasn't supposed to. Nobody butted in at all and here's a little secret: if nobody teaches you to believe in god, you won't believe in god. Why should you?! The natural state of being is atheism. Everything else is propaganda!

Blake tells the Bloodlines Gang not to hurt anybody when they start attacking. I don't know how they're supposed to do that. Blake himself makes things blow up. How does he use that to not hurt somebody? And Haley turns into a hot knife that I would love to see buttered. And Eddie turns into a Marvel lawsuit. And Dana uses electricity which I think is harmful to people. Sometimes it's just exhilarating though. Also, I think Dana is going to hurt some people because I saw the cover.

This is the panel after Blake says not to hurt anybody! What dum-dums!

Preacher-lite takes out the Bloodline Gang with his giant green bubble attack and disappears with his flock. But Eddie thinks he knows where he's taking them: To the crater at the edge of town! That's where the big final fight will take place. It's also where a bunch of Bloodlines Parasites will probably try to inseminate more Earthly victims.

The Bloodlines Gang enter the crater and find a cave leading to the Bloodlines Parasite Queen infecting all of the new people Preacher-lite brought her. Also in her presence are more Bloodlines Superheroes who have succumbed to the parasite. And one of those is Blake! No! Not Gunfire! NOT GUNFIRE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's the big cliffhanger ending, by the way!

Bloodlines #4

His superhero name should be Pinhead.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Faith, the six year old girl with the twenty-seven year old head, pretending she's in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't matter which episode. You'd know it if you were familiar with three episodes of the show. Unless none of those episodes starred Billy Mumy. Except instead of threatening people with the cornfield, she's just tearing out their hearts and feeding them to her pet demon. I don't quite remember what Anima's power was in the old Bloodlines but maybe it was something like this? Is the new Anima evil? I'd be evil too if I were six years old but the bus driver kept making me pay adult prices to ride because of my face.

While Faith feeds her monster ice cream and internal organs, Black and Haley are lucky to be alive after having sex with each other. He turns things he touches into explosives and blades shoot out of every part of her body. My guess is, since they're still both alive, neither of them had an orgasm. While Blake tries to figure out how to get his dick in Haley's butt, Duncan the Urban Hunter arrives to kill him for being a freak. Earlier in his pathetic life, he killed his wife and child because they developed Bloodlines super powers. Now he's doubling down on that mistake and killing anybody with powers. If he didn't kill everybody he encountered who had Bloodlines powers, he might have to admit that maybe he shot his wife and kid too soon. And by too soon, I mean as soon as he saw his wife had disgusting wings and his son's fingers looked like flaccid penises and just after he said, "Aw hells no."

Haley's mattress is so crusty from dried semen and vaginal excretions that it's become bulletproof.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a copy of Gunfire #0 at an old junk shop. I didn't fucking buy it. I'm regretting it so hard! But I'll go back. They had a ton of old comic books and board games and toys at really great prices. It was like a Goodwill with actual interesting crap instead of just pure crap.

Blake turns everything he can grab in Haley's room into explosives and Haley is all, "Dude! That's my lamp! And bed! And ottoman! And vibrator! And butt plug! And Ben Wa balls!" Tired of seeing all of her good times destroyed, Haley Wolverines out and attacks Duncan the Urban Hunter. Not only can she grow blades out of her skin, she can also deflect bullets with her blades. Unless she just got lucky. You know what? I'm going to assume she got lucky because I'm already suspending as much disbelief as I can, and most of that is because of Haley's body. Nobody looks that sexy!

Instead of killing Duncan like Haley could have been excused for doing since he broke into her house and began shooting at her and her unsatisfying lover, she and Blake begin asking him questions. Duncan explains that his wife and son had actually died due to the parasite that bit them and that's why he had to kill them. Although if that's true, why did he kill that Bloodlines guy at the convenience store and then leave the corpse to come back from the dead like it did? I don't think he actually knows that that is what happens! I think he's making it up as an excuse for why he killed his wife and son, and he just happens to be right!

Back at school, Dana is all, "Hey Eddie. You know how you turned into that huge freak at the hospital? What's going on with your penis when that happens?" She doesn't actually say that but I'm sure that's what she's thinking since she's still hanging out with him and Albert. She's just waiting for another shot to see his pants split and when something goes down at the football game, she gets her shot!

She must have got a glimpse of his cock!

I'm always disturbed by characters who destroy their clothing when they transform. What a pain in the ass. How many pairs of shoes must Eddie own? And how baggy are his pants that they survive the transformation? Remember when Fire used to burn off her clothes when she transformed? That disturbed me because it meant she was too fucking dangerous to transform in most places. How come she didn't just set everything on fire constantly?

The football players are being attacked by a huge creature composed of lots of dead bodies. Eddie, Albert, and Dana need to figure out a way to meet up with the other Bloodlines characters and they have a plan! They decide to be a part of this scene where Haley, Blake, and Duncan all arrive at the football game for some reason. Maybe their plan was to meet Eddie, Albert, and Dana! Good thinking, everybody!

Duncan the Urban Hunter seems to know everything that needs to be known. After Dana blasts the dead guy with her Storm impression, Duncan does an autopsy on the creature and extracts the Bloodlines parasite. He kills it and then looks up to see who's next. Maybe not next for an autopsy but a little surgery is probably going to be necessary. Then without the parasites in them, they can just continue to live with safely with their powers.

But nobody thinks of that yet! Instead they just stand around the football field like they don't realize they're supposed to come up with a name for their super hero team now!

Meanwhile in a church somewhere, some bald motherfucker gets Preacher powers.

The Review!
J.T. Krul has a problem with beginning stories at the beginning. He always says more than he needs to say. I think he spent about six issues of Captain Atom before getting to the point where he should have begun the story. And this comic book probably could have started with this issue! And I don't mean beginning with the fight and then immediately flashing back to where he began the comic book with Issue #1. I fucking hate when comic books do that. If you want to start the story somewhere in the middle, don't fucking chicken out and immediately go back in time to tell the story in a linear fashion from the beginning. If you're going to begin there, fucking begin there and skip the whole "Five Days From Now!" bit that you think will draw people into the story. You know what draws people into the story? Telling a good story and not relying on tricks and tropes and narrative clichés! We're now four issues into this book and it's been mostly just people trying to figure out what's going on. That sucks because the reader knew what was going on immediately. If the reader knows the story already, the reader does not look forward to being told all the shit the reader already knows. Just fucking get on with it already!

Bloodlines #3

I wonder if spikes come out of Haley's secret piercing?

The Review!
Don't think there was any real action in this comic book simply because the cover depicts a huge battle. No battles happen here. Somebody gets an MRI. Somebody goes shopping. Duncan the Urban Hunter proves to everybody that his name is just as dangerous as it sounds. But there isn't any huge battle at all. It's almost as if comic books are immune to laws about false advertising! But if you like books about young teenagers getting super powers and you don't want to pick up any of the other teenage super group comic books, you might like this one. Eventually. You know, when the action begins.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with a man making the wrong choice in an ethical dilemma.

I wouldn't kill my family simply because they grew wings and tentacle fingers! Although if I hated my family, I suppose this would be a good excuse to finally pull the trigger.

I normally wouldn't judge somebody for killing their wife and child because who can say how terribly they were? But since the narrator asked if I could do the unthinkable, I'm going to respond with "No. No, I couldn't do the unthinkable because, by definition, I wouldn't have thought it. Ipso facto quod est verum. Aut aliquid." I know "jumped the gun" is a racing idiom but it's kind of becoming literal in this day and age. "Jumped the gun" can easily describe what cops do on a near daily basis. What I'm getting at is I think this guy jumped the gun by going straight to his gun to solve his problem. So his wife grew wings! And his son's fingers are now vomit-inducing penis substitutes! Big deal! They've obviously been inflicted with something and I don't think euthanasia is most people's go-to solution for battling disease. That threatening approach your wife is making as she totters down the hallway with her glowing red eyes and her arms extended? She might just want a hug and she can't walk straight because her feet have become claws and her eyes are glowing red because her tear ducts now produce light instead of tears! That's not a reason to shoot her in the face! I mean, it's a reason but it's not a great reason.

The guy who just murdered his family is Duncan the Urban Hunter. I guess "Urban Hunter" sounds better than "Violent Euthanasia Expert". Now that he killed his family, he has to justify their murder by going around the country murdering everybody else's families. He'll probably say things like "It's for their own good!" and "Putting them out of their misery is compassionate!" or "It'll cost way too much to nurse them back to health so putting them to sleep is the best option!" I'm glad he's the bad guy! Although he'll probably be kind of a good guy since bad people who gain Bloodlines powers should probably be slaughtered without any right to justice. Although he'll probably be a bad guy because he won't discriminate between good and bad people with Bloodlines powers. He probably just shoots anybody who looks slightly strange.

There's a mark on Blake's chest which I thought was just a third nipple. Apparently it's a sign that he was bitten by a Bloodlines Parasite because Duncan freaks the fuck out and begins trying to kill him. See? Duncan the Urban Hunter is the real Urban! I mean monster!

"What an awful, horrible perverted kid!" he said disingenuously.

Albert and Eddie track down Dana to get her to join their super group full of teenagers although neither of them have ever actually spoken to a woman so it's practically the team's first big hurdle. Meanwhile, Duncan goes around killing more people. I think he might be schizophrenic.

Haley, the woman who isn't like other woman, is sitting around her house in half a pair of shorts and some paint that looks like a tank top. She's visited by Blake for a reason other than to have sex with her. I know! She can hardly believe it herself! She's all, "You don't want to put your package in my drop box?" And he's all, "I don't want to blow up your drop box!" And she's all, "What an ego! Anyway, I'd probably cut open your package!" That's when they realize they both have horrible new super powers which makes it okay for the package to go in the drop box.

This is where the sex scene would have been scanned if the stupid narrative hadn't cut back to the nerds.

The nerds have broken into an MRI lab at the hospital. Albert is a genius so I'm assuming he has a good reasoning for running an MRI on himself and his teammates.

What the hell is Dana worried about? That they might see her pancreas?

The MRI reveals that there is some kind of alien parasite living inside of them. Wow! Good idea, Albert! I'm glad that panned out and you weren't just wasting comic book pages. I was sort of pissed that Albert just happened to know exactly what to do to figure out what was wrong with them. But then I knew I would be more pissed if the story had to work through a bunch of dead ends before they figured out what was going on. Plus, Albert is a genius, remember!

Eddie hulks out and smashes the MRI. Hopefully the kids can get out of there before they're caught and then nobody will get in trouble! Unless the hospital tracks whose card was last used to enter the lab and since Albert stole his dad's pass to gain entry, I guess Albert's dad is fucked.

Meanwhile, one of the people killed by Duncan the Urban Hunter crawls out of the morgue. I guess the alien parasites don't really care if the host is alive or dead.

Wonder Woman Rebirth #1

Why can't my comic book store be consistent and give me all the covers where the heroes are standing awkwardly on the new DC Logo? Oh! I know why! They can't even get me a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 even when it's on my fucking pull list! And they let me walk out of the store without rectifying the situation! If only I were a Type A Personality, I would have made them all very uncomfortable with my man-tantrum! Why do I have to be an understanding, meek asshole who now doesn't have a copy of Flash Rebirth #1?! And probably never will thanks to all of the Wally West fans who had to come back out of the woodwork and support DC Comics again. I suppose I'll just have to make up my reaction to the story as I pretend to read it.

The Review or Whatever!
That was a long caption! I thought maybe getting my frustrations out would help me feel more loosey-goosey while writing this review but my stomach is still upset! The feeling is akin to walking out of The Blair Witch Project where nothing has been resolved and you've achieved no catharsis of any kind. I didn't feel this way when Batman Beyond #13 was left out of my box (which I still don't have a copy of either, Excalibur PDX!) but I don't really care about that. I'm sure I can find that one in a dollar box by now! But if Flash Rebirth #1 sold out in my shop, it probably sold out in all the shops. And I don't really feel like searching for it anyway. So I guess I'll just sit here and feel like throwing up.

I hope I can compartmentalize my anger so I don't judge Greg Rucka's Wonder Woman story too harshly! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't compartmentalize anything! Every reaction I've had in my adult life has been tainted by my lack of a father's love and bitterness at my relationship with my mother!

Wonder Woman begins this issue with the realization that she has Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. She's full of memories of being born out of clay and of being born out of a vagina (both alone and with a brother named Jason).

That baby has the most kissingest mouth I've ever seen!

I just Tweeted my comic book shop and asked if there was a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 in my box yet and they replied that there was! So now I can finally relax! Whew. That was a close one! Who knew the world was so full of near tragedy and drama?!

Wonder Woman spends the first half of the comic book wondering who she is. She's all, "The truth of who I am matters! But I don't know the truth. So does it really matter? It must! I think. Maybe? Or does it? Has it ever? What's this lasso good for anyway?!"

She's quoting old Greek guys, so she must at least still be Greek! Probably. I mean, I'm not Greek but I still sometimes accidentally quote Greeks. But usually only because I know their quotes from popular culture. Like Wonder Woman comics! Remember when she said, "In war, the first casualty is truth"? Catchy!

Wonder Woman's spongy brain is trying to come to terms with suddenly remembering every retcon she's ever been through. And she's been through more than most! So now she has all these alternate histories that explain why she left Paradise Island, or how she grew up there, or how she was conceived, or how she once thought wearing bicycle shorts was an acceptable fashion choice. All of it was true! Unless none of it was true? Maybe some of it was true? Oh no! Now I'm doing what Wonder Woman does for the first half of this comic book! Every question she asks has all the answers and no answers at the same time! How will she reconcile this messy Rebirth?!

To find out the truth, Wonder Woman ties up the editors of DC Comics in her lasso and asks them to explain themselves. They just sort of shrug and say, "Wez gotz bonerz?" Since DC's editors aren't any help anymore because writers get to write whatever they want (that's my truth that might be less truth and more fantasy), Wonder Woman ignores them and ties herself up. Now I gotz bonerz!

Has there ever been a scene where Diana loops the lasso around the ankles of everybody at the Justice League Christmas Party? And by "Christmas", of course I mean "secular holiday where everybody gathers together to get drunk and exchange cheap gifts which will probably wind up in the trash by the end of the year".

Wonder Woman decides to go to Olympus to get some answers for why she's so confused. She probably should go to the office of Geoff Johns to find out why he's trying to blame Alan Moore and the Watchmen for his and his creative teams' mistakes! Why not blame Frank Miller?! Oh, that's right. Because Frank Miller is still willing to work with DC.

Wonder Woman arrives to find Olympus is just as much a lie as her own past. Apparently Doctor Manhattan doesn't have a quick enough imagination to keep up the lie as Diana continues to dig deeper. Too bad Doctor Manhattan wasn't a writer before becoming an omniscient blue nudist. A writer could have totally kept Diana fooled! So I guess it's also too bad Meredith Finch wasn't a writer before working on Wonder Woman! Was that too much of a burn? I kind of feel bad for that one! Not bad enough to delete the thought into nonexistence though!

Bloodlines #2

Since the bloody "s" is part of the title, is that other drop part of it too? Is this really Blooodlines?

The Review!
Last issue we learned the names of the main characters and their defining, stereotypical, and often meant-to-be-super-surprising trait. Eddie has a disability! Haley is a tough-as-nails mechanic! Blake is a dick cop! The genius kid is a genius! Dana is a not-like-other-females female vlogger! Faith loves to shop! This issue, we get to learn the super powers that go with those character traits! The disabled kid is super abled! Haley's tough-as-nails exterior becomes a tough-as-nails Wolverine-esque defense! The dick cop can blow things up! The vlogger is electric or something! The little shopper Faith is super greedy and can manifest a demon to get everything she wants! I think that makes her the villain. Or my sister. Genius kid Albert gains invisibility because nobody ever notices him and he has no friends. Probably. So that's it! We've learned so much about these characters in two issues that we should all know whether or not we want to continue reading about them! I know I do! I mean, I know I will, at least, since I read all of DC's books. Is that a positive review? Good try, J.T. Krul! I mean job! Not try! Maybe. Whatever. It's better than Green Arrow #1-3, if that says anything.

The Commentary!
This is a brand new comic book with brand new characters so please forgive me when I call them all by incorrect names. Even though I'm a genius (never mind my IQ! Those tests aren't calibrated for my level of smartiness!), my brain can only capacitate the capacity for a certain amount of capacitiousness. Fuck you, Trump! I have all the best words!

The girl on the cover might be Faith because that's a name I remember from last issue. Her mother was the one with the ass that made the service station man go crazy with boy juice. And we all know what happens when a guy goes crazy with boy juice! They disappear in another room for about thirty seconds and then wash their hands. At least I hope they wash their hands. I'm not going to talk about the way Faith is stirring my boy juice because she looks a little young. I wish artists would stop making young characters look like adult females because then I feel weird jerking off while thinking about them. But I remind myself that they're fictional characters and don't actually have an age and, besides, comic book artists don't know how to draw young girls. They only know how to draw sex objects. So if I'm attracted to the looks of a comic book character who is underage, it's the artist's fault! Some artists actually draw children who look like children and I hardly ever think they look sexy.

After that paragraph, I can probably wave goodbye to anybody who began following me because Gail Simone sometimes reblogs my Secret Six reviews!

Seriously though! You can tell I wasn't being serious earlier because I now started a paragraph that began "Seriously though!" Look at that cover. She's obviously a young girl based on her school uniform and her lack of secondary sexual characteristics (e.g. boobs. i.e. tits, titties, mammaries, breasts, pretty much any word ending in -as (as long as you cup the air in front of your chest with both hands)). But that face screams adult woman! I think it's mainly the dead, unfeeling eyes.

The issue begins with somebody talking about faith, so I think maybe I recognized a character and her name! Go my brain! I would spike you if I wasn't so afraid of what a concussion might do to my professional writing skills!

Who puts up a Van Halen poster for the 1998 version of Van Halen?! I hate that kid.

Cerebral Palsy Incredible Hulk is currently at the funeral for his friend Graham who was rutted to death by a super-villain deer. After the funeral, Graham's football buddies decide to blame Graham's death on Eddie (that's the kid I hate's name! I didn't remember it. It was finally used in dialogue). I think it's just an excuse for the football bros to beat on the skinny disabled kid. I don't think of his cerebral palsy as his disability. His taste in music is his disability.

While Eddie hides in the cemetery trying not to yell, "Eddie Smash!", Dana continues her fascinating video blog about her last year of school. Today, she's teaching people about make-up! Dana acted like her family had money so I don't understand why she's using a USB webcam! When is the last time anybody needed one of those? Computers have built in cameras now, Dana! Also phones have them. And watches. And food from Taco Bell. They're everywhere! I bet half the readers don't even recognize the webcam! They're probably all, "What's that?! Is that the Bloodlines thing that infected everybody? Look out, Dana! Look out!"

But I'm not finished! I mean, you're not finished!

I wonder if J.T. Krul hates his character Dana? She's exactly the kind of person his Green Arrow would be trying to throw in jail! How dare she think expressing herself on the internet was equal to somebody writing comic books? What a super-villain!

Hmm. Maybe I should like Dana instead of hating her instantly! We have so much in common! Although she said she didn't like pink and I love pink. You know what? Fuck her. I hope she's the first to die.

Um, anyway, Dana has electrical powers. I should probably note that here so I can remember it.

If you were wondering when J.T. Krul was going to get to the scene where a guy gets his comeuppance for hitting on a girl who obviously doesn't want to be hit on, you're in luck! Because Haley has an encounter with a guy who just won't take "No thanks. I'm good" for an answer! He winds up discovering (along with Haley) that her new superpower is Wolverine claws! But they come out of her body from her piercings. Or just from wherever. This is also a good time to remember that Haley and Dana aren't like other women! That makes them more interesting, I guess. And more insulting to the readers!

Blake, the dick cop, learns he's The New 52 Gunfire! Lucky!

Next we learn about Faith and I don't find her sexy at all anymore!

Christ. She's supposed to be what? Seven?

No wait. I think she must be twenty-six. Right?

This reminds me of that Bryan Adams' song that goes, "Baby you're all I need! When I'm lying there in your arms. I find it hard to believe...you're just seven." By the way, did anybody ever arrest him for that?

So, I guess Faith is the villain of the story! What a selfish brat! Or selfish young adult? Ugh. Whatever. Comic book artists, you are generally terrible.

Albert the genius kid who is a genius appears out of nowhere later that night to suggest creating a team of superheroes to Eddie! Albert gained the power of invisibility because he's a genius. Or because nobody ever notices him at school. Because he's a genius. Just remember he's a genius. It'll be important later for when J.T. Krul needs a character to come up with a plan that doesn't actually make sense. Then just remember Albert is a genius and you'll go, "Well, I guess that's why the plan works! Who am I, a stupid fucking idiot comic book reader, to question a person I've been told multiple times is a genius?!"

The book ends with an urban hunter named Duncan arriving on the scene to tell everybody it's the end of the world. I don't mean he's urban because he's black. I mean he's an urban hunter because he's one of those guys who solves problems in end of the world scenarios by killing bad guys and not a rural hunter who hunts deer. Although he probably should hunt at least one deer in this comic book. No, wait. Eddie already killed that deer. Never mind.

Bloodlines #1

Oh joy! A comic book series based on the worst summer annual crossover of DC's history and written by one of my least favorite comic book writers!

The Review
Bloodlines wants to be Teen Titans and fails miserably. Mostly because Teen Titans uses established characters that people care about and completely fucking ruins them. This book uses new characters that nobody cares about yet and begins building something that might actually work for some readers. I can't totally put aside my bias of J.T. Krul but I'll try to be fair and diplomatic and simply rate this book on its own merits and not on my memories of New 52 Green Arrow #1-3 and New 52 Captain Atom. I'll try but it's as difficult as stretching a limb ravaged by scar tissue. The best thing I can say about this book is that it might be worth investing in the first one or two issues to see if at least one of the characters does something for you. I felt most of them were formulaic and cliche relying on common tropes in place of real characterization. The reason for this is that there are a lot of characters to introduce in a short amount of time and Krul just doesn't have the space to elaborate on their personalities. So he throws out a few recognizable traits on each character so the reader feels like they're left with an understanding of each one. If he develops them further in the subsequent issues and turns them into complex personalities rather than shallow stereotypes, maybe he'll be able to create the next X-men or Teen Titans. Probably not but I said I was going to try to be fair. And that seems like a fair, if improbable, statement!

The Commentary
The people at my local comic book shop apparently don't read my blog because they stuck this book by J.T. Krul in my pull box. Or they do read my blog and they're huge assholes who think they're hilarious. Whatever the case, I paid for this comic book so I guess I'm going to read it. I guess.

Forget about J.T. Krul authoring this book. The title itself, Bloodlines, doesn't inspire any kind of confidence in the material. When people think of 90s comic books, they can't help but think of mega-violence, pouches, women with completely (as opposed to the normal 'just partially') distorted bodies, Image comics, poor writing, and the speculative market. But one thing that doesn't get discussed quite as much is how publishers were rushing to grab copyrights and licensing of as many characters as they could due to the rise of Image's push towards creator owned characters. Marvel and DC seemed to think if they could think up and trademark every potential hero name, creators would be forced to use their characters. DC and Marvel would make all the money from licensing that the characters would eventually make in the future when they inevitably became super popular. This was the basic reason behind Bloodlines. It was a summer annual crossover event where dozens of new superheroes were created because an alien race activated all of the metagenes on the planet (or something. I can't be bothered to remember the particulars). Eventually only Hitman and possibly one or two others would become popular enough to enter the legion of DC's heroes. Most of them were horrible garbage. But that's what happens when you create a bunch of heroic names with no tie to any kind of backstory or personality in a corporate brainstorming meeting. I suppose the writers and artists were allowed to come up with their concepts on their own and I'm just being cynical. How else would you explain Garth Ennis coming up with Hitman, a guy who doesn't really give a shit about his new powers except that they now allow him the added ability to murder other people with super powers. So Ennis!

This whole explosion of new characters being created and trademarked by the corporations was spoofed by Dave Sim in Cerebus when he had Spore (the Cockroach's then current incarnation) explode into a bunch of different Roaches with little trademark symbols next to their names. At the end of Grant Morrison's Doom Force, a parody of nineties comics, he had two or three pages where he just listed names of new potential heroes. It was a sad state of affairs. It's no wonder comic book companies like to blame speculation for the downfall of comics in the nineties instead of looking inward at the things they did to cause the crash. DC and Marvel became so frightened of what Image represented that they threw out every model of making comics that had worked up until that point and decided to follow Image's lead. The only problem was most of the guys at Image had no fucking clue what they were doing. A high majority of the art and writing sucked and they were stumbling about on the business end (although, admittedly, some of them spent the necessary time to work through the business aspect even if it was at the expense of their comic books. People like Jim Lee who just put their shoulders to the grindstone and figured it the fuck out). None of that mattered though. Image was paving a new way that simply caused DC and Marvel to lose their senses and their shit. I never bought an Image book back in the nineties because none of art ever appealed to me. They were a young company that didn't totally know what they were doing and they made a lot of mistakes. But they laid the foundation for the Image of today which publishes the best books on the shelves because they're creator controlled. Image publishes the best ideas of comic book writers and artists because why would any writer or artist waste their best ideas on work for hire when Image will let you retain ownership and control? That seems like a better deal than a "created by" line that might pay a pittance in royalties.

I don't know how much of the previous is preamble to the plot of this new Bloodlines book and how much is just stalling so I don't have to read it. Oh geez. Well, here I go!

It begins promising enough with no Narration Boxes instantly over-explaining everything as something from space crashes to Earth.

Although, let's face the facts, prey animals would not be coming up to investigate this disaster. What prey animals do when there is a loud noise and light is try to hide behind or run faster than other prey animals because the only way they live is for one of their loved ones to die.

Once the deer turns into Superfawn™, the other prey flee. I suppose a giant ball of fire crashing into the ground isn't something their instincts register as a predator so they were just curious. But when Superfawn™ growls at them, they recognize that as danger and skedaddle. Anyway, we now know that something from the sky is transforming creatures on Earth! Also that deer apparently have the meta-gene.

On page three, the Narration Boxing begins. Whew. I thought I was going to have to figure out the character's motivations without any help.

The first character we meet is the guy who will soon become the big muscular blue guy on the cover. You can tell because they share the same hair style. But right now, he's not big or blue or muscular. He's just a skinny kid with some kind of physical disability affecting his legs. What I find truly unbelievable about this character already is that, before his leg muscles atrophied, he was both a skater and a morning person. Bullshit!

The destruction of his skating career by the betrayal of Eddie's legs isn't his only problem. He's also got a caretaker mother that doesn't seem to give a shit about him. She's too busy telling him not to eat the sugared cereal she bought for him! And getting ready for work! And probably being super hot underneath that cardigan and long skirt!

So Eddie goes to school to run into some more kids who will be part of his Bloodlines crew. One of them is Albert who is the smartest person at his school. Every good team needs "the smartest genius who ever geniused" on their team! It's a good thing Narration Boxes exist because it's easier to just tell the readers that a character is the biggest genius in the world than to have to portray them that way. It's hard to write smart characters when you're just a writer of average intelligence or worse. Believe me, I know!

Nobody fucking cares about your blogapalooza. And how dare you remind me of J.T. Krul's abysmal Green Arrow run!

Here we meet Dana. She's a female but--get this--she's not like other females! I don't think that's supposed to be as insulting as it sounds. I don't know how it's not supposed to be insulting to females but then I'm not a female. I'm a guy so the only thing I really thought while reading this page was "I wonder how naked she gets during her Blogapalooza posts?"

Meanwhile at a gas station, another member of the Bloodlines group, Faith, is about to star in the obligatory "creepy guys being creepy who need to have extreme violence perpetrated on them" scene. It's become status quo for a writer to write a scene that says, "Hey, women. I'm on your side. See how this guy told a woman to smile and then got his teeth knocked out? Or this other guy got too touchy on the dance floor at the club and had to have his arm broken? How about the guy who said something disgusting who needed to learn what a concussion felt like?" Although the scene simply ends with the guy checking out Faith's mom's ass. So it's possible the guy is actually a maniac who is going to kidnap Faith and her mom only to wind up being one of the Bloodlines' crew's first victims.

I don't mind stories having moments that are basically just messages saying, "Hey, guys. Stop being creepy fucks." But as a pacifist, I feel some of these scenes go way overboard just to get a certain audience on board. The violent punishment meted out to a guy who asks a woman to smile doesn't seem justified. I get that it's a fantasy moment but it doesn't really work for me when it's repeated in every fucking comic book I read and every goddamned super hero show on television. But then again, I'm just a guy who previously mentioned how all I could think about was how naked one of the female characters got on her blog. So I have selfish reasons for not wanting guys to get the shit kicked out of them for being pigs.

Next up, the readers need to be introduced to Haley!

Oh look! You thought it was going to be man, didn't you, you sexist! Nope! She's a woman that isn't like other women!

Haley is the tough-as-nails chick with tats and piercings and highlighted hair who also works on cars while letting her coveralls slide off to reveal her hot body! I bet her tough exterior hides a poet's soul! She's the one on the cover that looks like a cross between Doomsday and Wolverine and a woman I want to fuck.

Reading J.T. Krul's "writing" has made me so cynical that I've become an insensitive bastard! Normally I'm like, "Women are...". Hmm. Maybe I'm normally not like anything because I can't think of something romantic and not creepy to call women that wouldn't also sound like I'm objectifying them and merely saying things I think they'd want to hear so that they'd think I want to get to know them for more than their bodies. Which I totally do! I mean, as much as I want to get to know men for more than their bodies. Which is basically not at all. Maybe I should just say "Women are women are women are women." Gertrude Stein probably would have said that!

The next character we need to meet is Blake! Blake is the guy on the cover holding the flaming gun. He's a man so I won't judge his character according to his gender like I did with Dana and Haley. To be fair, I wasn't so much judging them on their gender as judging the way J.T. Krul was introducing them as female characters. This is all part of that "subtle" thing I was referring to back in my commentary on The Darkseid War Special #1! Blake is a black man which I'm only mentioning because it would be odd for me to not mention it. Although I didn't mention that Eddie was originally white before he turns blue. So now I've got an old man fishing in a boat's voice in the back of my head telling me I'm prejudiced. Fuck you, old man! I'll drown you!

Blake and Haley have had sex. I wish they'd had sex within the pages of this comic book and not in the past. Why do writers always leave out the best parts of their story? Since Blake probably won't be having sex with Haley ever again, he and his buddy Ricky are going to go beat up some local druggies. So I guess Blake is an asshole.

Now that all of the main characters have been introduced, it's time for the late night party where everything goes wrong! The party is out in a field near the woods which means it's going to be interrupted by Superfawn™!

Yeesh. I can't think of a worse way to go than being rutted by Superfawn™.

Upon seeing his friend killed, Eddie turns into a potential lawsuit with Marvel over the Beast trademark. I guess everybody's metagenes have already been activated by the arrival of the comet that spawned Superfawn™. Eddie rips off the mutant deer's head but it's too late. Graham dies having never known the intimate touch of a living being that wasn't a mutated stag. As Eddie's rage dissipates into sadness, he turns back to normal. So I guess he's only superficially like Beast and more like The Incredible Hulk.

Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

Okay, you know what? That's probably a bad idea. Maybe I'll just say "fuck" less than I usually do.

Previously in Starfire, she made out with a dolphin and now she can speak it's language. Lucky dolphin.

That's a lousy fucking definition of time, you ignorant strumpet!

I'm not using "strumpet" as an insult in the previous caption but just as a factual noun that is based in fact and is a noun. Ignorant is sort of an insult but mostly justified in that she defined time as "a thing that prevents everything from happening at once." How could everything happen at once simply because time didn't exist? I mean, I'm not going to orgasm at the same time I stick my dick in somebody's mouth? No wait. That's usually exactly what happens. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but I'm bored with this train of thought now. Let's move on to the next step in the logical progression of cause and effect which is changing the fucking subject.

Sol is in the Dolphin Friend Zone! Which isn't the worst place to be positioned in Starfire's life because she did suck face with the dolphin already.

Who thought "sucking face" was a good description of kissing? I bet one of the Universal Monsters coined it, right? Maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Starfire misunderstands some more English because she's cute and innocent but also provides complete sexual satisfaction which is what all heterosexual guys really want. They want a woman whose personality they can ignore while projecting their own idealized personality onto the woman while the woman performs lots of nasty sex deeds to their body like, um, touching the water willy or readjusting his faulty stabilizers. Heterosexual women might also want that but I wouldn't know because I almost always simply hear what I want to hear when a heterosexual woman is speaking to me. Although I think woman just want a guy who is able to take care of himself and also has a satisfying cock that works perfectly with her vagina. Although sometimes the cock part of the deal is so good that women will put up with a guy who obviously needs a mother. And a car. And a job. On the plus side, he'll already own the video game system and probably the bong.

Starfire and Sol are headed out to dinner on a sunset cruise ship. Also on that ship? Some spy! The reason the spy is important? Dick Grayson is after him! Uh oh! It looks like Dick is going to get in the way of another woman's sex life! He previously ruined Barbara Gordon's deflowering when he crashed Alysia's wedding. Now he's going to spoil Sol's chance at dolphin sex.

Uh-oh! Now Starfire knows how to speak "playa"!

Sol likes to think about his dead wife when he makes out with hot aliens which seems a little weird. Maybe he doesn't like to do that but his brain makes him do that anyway. It probably has something to do with mourning although I don't regularly think of my dead cat Judas when I masturbate. Yes, the "regularly" in that sentence is important.

All hell breaks loose thanks to Dick Grayson and the spies he was spying on. It's confusing because I think the artist screwed up and made Dick in disguise get on the getaway boat when he really didn't. Unless I'm just terrible at reading comic books which I don't think I am or else why would somebody have given me the title of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

"Somebody" includes "me" so it's accurate.

Starfire recognizes Dick even while he's using his Hypnos so they're probably going to fuck. I remember a time when the New 52 was new and I was really excited to find out how Dick and Kory knew each other and what kind of relationship they had and how many different positions they used. But now all of that has worn off like the hymen on a man's ass after a drunken night in a San Francisco Turkish bathhouse. Some of that previous statement might have a few factual errors but you still might understand the sentiment.

Starfire helps Dick retrieve the briefcase he was after by floating above him while she watches him fight and fingers her clutch purse.

It's called "having an orgasm." I think.

Starfire blows Dick. Stupid period. You don't belong there! Stop ruining my sentences for a cheap laugh! Hmph. As I was trying to say, Starfire blows Dick's Spyral mission by destroying the gadget he was after. It was something that could be used as a weapon so she did the right thing. Dick knows she did he just doesn't want to get the kind of tongue lashing he's going to get from Matron that is different than the kind of tongue lashing he wants to get from the Matron. You know the kind! The kind that involves his butthole!

And then Starfire and Dick Grayson decide to relive their Marv Wolfman days.

But...you know...with better writers.

Starfire #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let's face it: sex sells. I think. Is that really true? I mean, I know it sells in places like Las Vegas and Reno and Tijuana. But does it really sell products that have nothing to do with sex at all? Why would people see a commercial for golf balls that stars two men fucking in the shower in the club locker room and think, "Yes! I need Titleist!"? Maybe I should stick to saying things I know are true instead of cliches like "sex sells." Although if I only wrote true things, my commentaries would simply be the name of the comic book and one sentence that reads "Scott Lobdell's writing is awful." Would posts like that, two to three times per day, hold anybody's interest for very long? I for one can't get enough reminders of how horrible Scott Lobdell's writing ability is! I wonder if somebody sells a 365 day calendar of that?