Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

I recently read some good news that this comic book has been cancelled! Is this the last issue? I hope this is the last issue. Please let this be the last issue!

This issue does not begin in a military flashback. It's possible the military flashback will come a few pages later. If not, how am I going to understand the theme? I need to know what choices John Stewart made in his past that caused him to be such a great leader! Of course all of his past choices were correct because he was in the United States Marines and those guys are all heroes doing heroic things and saving my freedom! Without them, I couldn't point out how they're not paying the cost of my freedom at all! Which actually means I can say that with or without them since a democracy's freedom isn't maintained by the military. Especially the freedom of a country that is as geographically isolated as the United States of America. If they were really fighting to keep me free, they'd just be battling Mexicans and Canadians. And if that were the case, I still wouldn't claim they were keeping me free because I'm fairly certain I could stand my ground against a bunch of Canadians and Mexicans. Okay, maybe not Mexicans. They work better together as a team and can fit way more soldiers in a car than we can.

This issue does begin with John Stewart continuing to believe that Relic's universe really did have a Peak Emotion problem which was causing the universe to die. During the speech, Simon Baz finally gets to make his first appearance since I don't know when. One of the final issues of Red Lanterns?

Pshaw! All universes are fated to die! Stop trying to manufacture drama!

I probably shouldn't ask a writer to stop manufacturing drama since that's like the writer's number one job! Sometimes they're supposed to manufacture comedy as well but that usually just comes across as manufacturing a waste of the reader's time.

John Stewart and his team have arrived on Mogo where the rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy trying to protect the central battery from Light Pirates of every color. It's almost as if I've read this story before!

That's a lie. I've never read any of the Green Lantern Rainbow Wars stories by Geoff Johns because I just never read it and not because I had some philosophical reason for hating the idea that emotions ruled the universe even though every time any alien deals with Earthlings, they always comment on how the strength of the human race lies in their stupid fucking emotions. I guess the entire universe runs on emotions and all of the alien races are lying jerks who try to hide their constant streams of tears. Although if this whole Peak Emotion thing is actually true and using up too many emotions will eventually bring the universe to a premature end, then I absolutely understand why all the aliens everywhere would hate us. Maybe if we used logic for logic's sake, we could advance to the level of a Type 1 Civilization! Instead we mostly use logic to justify what we've already decided due to our emotional investment in something. We're just a bunch of space babies.

Simon Baz says to John Stewart, "It's about time you showed up." I hate everybody in Cullen Bunn's comic book. No effort is ever good enough for anybody. B'dg saves the day by bringing some rings and John says, "I was hoping for more rings!" B'dg saves Arisia's ass and she says, "Want to impress me? Get more rings!" And now John Stewart arrives to reinforce the Lanterns on Mogo and Baz is all, "Took your time, asshole!" I remember how Simon Baz as the thoughtful and caring Lantern who tried to get everybody to stop calling B'dg a squirrel and respectfully call him a Lantern like he deserves. But I guess now he's just a gun-wielding jerk trying pee further than everybody else.

John has already decided that everybody in the battle is a loser because the name of this comic book is Loser Army. It doesn't matter who wins because they're all using up so much energy that the universe is just rapidly being depleted of emotion. If only the Lanterns could find some kind of hope in this battle!

Why is an alien whose whole being based around math speaking in binary?! Binary is not math! It's not even really a language! It's, like, a way of counting! I hope whoever writes 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 next does a better job of it! Although she looks much cuter in blue.

The Emotional Pyramids change the emotional spectrum of anybody who comes in contact with one. It's not that big a deal until the pyramids all decide to land on Mogo at the same time. I don't think Mogo is strong enough to become a White Lantern!

Mogo doesn't become a White Lantern but he is able to control the entire emotional spectrum and drive away the Light Pirates. The Green Lanterns have won which gives John Stewart a chance to have the flashback he forgot to begin the issue with!

Thanking people in uniform has become more of an obligation which must be seen to lest you look like a right fucking bastard.

Hopefully John got a hotel room because he can't face anybody he knows right now since being in the military is a whole fucking lot more complicated than "I'm joining to protect freedom and be a hero!" I wouldn't be surprised if a huge aspect of PTSD was the conflict between what's in a returning veteran's head about what they've done and why they've done it and the way everybody views them as untarnished heroes protecting the American way of life.

With the Battle for Mogo at an end, Salaak turns his attention to discovering a way out of the universe. And now that nobody is attacking them and Mogo has super Kyle Rayner powers, Salaak easily locates a rift back to their universe in the Source Wall. But it's closed from the other side by Hal Jordan just as they prepare to enter it. Well shucks! Now they're going to have to stick around in a universe that matters less than the Earth-2 universe.

Finally, Krona decides to work with Relic to try and save Relic's universe. I guess if that happens, the DC Youniverse is kind of screwed, right? But none of that matters until January because Loser Army #6 is the final issue of this craptastrophe.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Loser Army #5

Yes, Loser Army. Not Looser Army, you numbskulls.

Has Arisia ever spoken to a professional about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Hal Jordan? He was a father figure whom she mistook for a romantic interest. Hal betrayed her trust and ignored her confusion to take advantage of her. Normally I wouldn't believe a character's costume reveals anything more than just skin but I have to think her choice of cuffed gloves, dickey, plunging neckline, and ascending skirt might have a little something to do with the sexual abuse. You don't see B'dg's little ding dong hanging out as he goes around fighting crime. But then he sought professional help after what Hal did to him.

The story begins with John Stewart having a memory of the military. It in no way should be taken as showing a foreign, imperialistic invader callously murdering a citizen of the country simply trying to defend his homeland. If that's what you saw when you opened this comic book and read the first page, you should probably stop attending those weekly Communist meetings in your disgusting friend's basement. The first page shows John Stewart not giving up the way marines never give up! He's outnumbered and outgunned by people in their own country who were not at all simply in the wrong country at the wrong time. They are obviously monsters and it's hopeful and uplifting to see John Stewart break some guy's neck because that guy was obviously about to kill lots of American children at the first opportunity. The man should not have raised a gun to the American invaders. What an idiot. Doesn't he know that he should let foreign invaders do whatever they want since there may or may not be terrorists in their country? If another country invaded America because America housed terrorists (which it totally doesn't and you should look up hypothetical in the dictionary you were thinking about buying that one time you heard somebody on the news say "mendicant"), obviously all of the Americans who hate terrorism would put their guns down and allow the invaders to do whatever they wanted in search of those terrorists.

Would this story be as exciting if every issue John Stewart flashed back to a dilemma he suffered through as an architect?

John Stewart: "Our rings have lost all charge and are useless! I remember a time the tips of all my pencils broke and Harry from two floors up had absconded with my sharpener!"

I bet the non-terrorist people of the nation being invaded had a similar thought about American soldiers ransacking their homeland!

I wish I were a naive, bloated bag of barely digested McDonalds and Krispy Kreme so that I also believed that "soldier" was a synonym for "hero." If I were a journalist in the twenty-first century, I would only do stories on Wounded Warriors because then I would be rich and nobody would ever criticize me or the subjects of my stories. I would write things like "sacrificed for our freedom" and "true American hero" and "noble choice to forgo safety and money for honor" and not write things like "lost in the choices presented by adulthood and free will" or "economic factors played a major role in choosing a military life" or "found comfort in being told what to do." I would say trite things like "They were hurt protecting your freedoms!" and "Freedom isn't free!" and "Freedom! Hero! Freedom! Hero! Freedom hero!" Man, I could get so rich if I didn't care about reality and just told people stupid bullshit that they want to hear! See also: Unitarian Minister.

Anyway, John Stewart's rousing speech about making a choice to live makes Salaak pump his fist in the air and yell "Yes!" while everybody else stands around blinking incomprehensibly. I suppose the rousing prison escape speech would have been better with some kind of interpretation device. Arisia reassures everybody in her cell as well as they stand around wondering why she's making all those weird little noises.

Great. B'dg is the only person to do anything of value and then John shits all over his accomplishment. Did you learn that in the Marines as well?! Come to think of it, he probably did.

John's lucky the rings have any charge at all! Hell, John's lucky that the prison cells were somehow connected to the storage space where the Light Pirates lock up all of their dangerous contraband!

I'd rather the Lantern Rings not announce their charge at all. I'd rather they just ran out without any warning. Or just let them stay fucking charged and get rid of this plot contrivance where the greatest weapon in the universe is constantly proving to be the most overrated weapon of all time.

B'dg also managed to find the power grid which possibly makes the Light Pirates Prison the worst designed prison of all-time. I wish John Stewart would have an architectural flashback right now. Or maybe he could have had one earlier to help out B'dg! He could have been all, "I've designed a prison or two during my architect years! The secret to designing an efficient prison was to connect all the cells to all the weapon storage areas and to all of the security rooms and to all of the power grids. We can use that to our advantage!"

Anyway, B'dg set off a time bomb that destroyed the power grid so that everybody could escape and begin a prison riot. Nobody thanks B'dg or sucks his dick even though they'd all be dead before the end of the issue without his help. Hopefully that'll come later. For now, the Loser Army needs to fight for their lives with only four rings each with just one-fifth of a charge! It's going to get tense as those percentages keep getting closer and closer to zero!

This is funny because Guy Gardner is talking about Salaak's penis. Get it? He is an alien so he might have a four pronged organ of generation!

B'dg saves Arisia's life and she's as ungrateful as John Stewart.

Nothing's ever enough to impress you assholes! Next time, I'd just let Arisia plummet to her death.

It turns out Salaak wasn't updating his online dating profile at all! He was looking at the schematics of the prison in much the same way an architect could have if he wasn't so busy remembering how he was a marine. Salaak has a plan to charge all of the rings they can find by using the prison as a power battery. But some rings have been destroyed, so I guess some of the Green Lanterns are going to have to wield the Lightsticks. Guy Gardner will probably make a Lightstick go in and out of a Lantern ring a few times while smirking lecherously.

The rest of the Lanterns have to hold off the guards while Salaak does his thing. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 points out that she can come up with the exact odds of their survival because she doesn't have any personality. She's just a creature from a planet of math nerds. Then Jruk is killed because why not? He's a fairly new character that enough fans have embraced so that his death gives fake weight to the story. Then Kilowog looks up and says, "Heads up, Lanterns! The cavalry has arrived! What is that--" The very next panel, all of the Lanterns have rings and sticks and are back in their uniforms (or their new Lightstick Variant Uniforms). I guess John Stewart remembered how the Marines used to take a long time gearing up for battle and he thought, "Wouldn't it be better if everybody could change into their uniforms in the space between panels?!"

Once the Lanterns have the upper hand, Relic and Krona blast a hole in the side of the prison to try to steal all of the credit for the escape away from B'dg. Bastards!

Once they escape, Relic tells them that he thinks he's locked onto Mogo. They rush off to find their friend before Guy and John can have another stupid conversation about John lying to Relic. Just shut up, Guy! It doesn't matter! Stop taking stupid stands just to cause a rift in the group! Guy tries to start the conversation but John tells him to shut up. That's how that should have been settled earlier!

Meanwhile, Mogo is being attacked by Old Universe Power Batteries. And the issue ends without anybody giving the squirrel a nut.

Loser Army #5 Rating: No change. Overall, this wasn't a bad issue if you chose to read it without being a nitpicking bastard. I didn't make that choice. But it did feel as if some of the shit I usually complain about was absent. The charges of the rings constantly being the main focus of battle was left out. Guy's ridiculous stance that they not lie to Relic was curtailed. This issue didn't lose the military flashback meant to show the positive attributes John learned from being in the military but which usually just shines a light on what a dick move invading another country is. But I can't expect Cullen Bunn to care about a DC Comic book overnight, right? Hopefully he'll take my suggestion and let John Stewart be helped by memories of being an architect next issue.

Lost Army #4

I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.

I remember being truly terrified of three things when I was a kid. The worst was the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. Although it was less about the Sleestaks and more about the tension created whenever the Marshalls would go into the Sleestak caves. Many episodes when they went into the cave, the Sleestaks wouldn't even appear. Those days were the worst. Remember that feeling you had after seeing The Blair Witch Project? You felt nauseated and tense and gross and blamed it on the motion of the handheld camera? Well, I knew walking out of that theater exactly why that movie made people feel so bad. Because I'd experienced it before in my youth. It's the nausea of withheld catharsis. Being scared by the appearance of the Sleestaks was far better than having that tense knot in my stomach never released when the Marshalls got off easy. Blair Witch did the same thing but in longer form. You spent all movie waiting to jump at something scary and it never came. It was the movie going equivalent of being blue balled. The other two things that terrified me as a kid were the opening credits to "Tales From the Darkside" and the theme song to Doctor Who.

That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.

Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!

I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!

Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.

Once again, the Green Lanterns are caught in a tense battle against the Light Pirates. I know it's tense because of the constant reminders that their rings' power level keeps falling. Everywhere I look on every page I see "50%" then "40%" then "30%". I know that's bad because the numbers keep getting smaller! When they get to zero, the Green Lanterns will lose! Will they be able to beat back their enemies before a "0%" appears on the page?!

I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.

Relic and Krona have also been attacked in Relic's ship. They're draining Relic's ship's shields just as fast as they're draining the charge on the Green Lanterns' rings! That means Relic and Krona have to escape before they die. And since neither of them give a shit about the Green Lanterns, they abandon them. And then all of the Green Lanterns lose power and die.

Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.

John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!

Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.

Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.

Nemux (one of the new recruits) is killed in a demonstration of how the Light Pirates will be murdering all of the other Lanterns and Lightsmiths. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 speaks in binary as she mourns the death of her friend which is completely fucking stupid. Her race is good at math! They aren't machines! But what do I know? I'm just a fucking English Major! Arisia is all, "I know you can't understand me, Two-Six, but let me ask you a question after immediately pointing out how you can't understand me." Then B'dg is all, "I look like a chipmunk so of course I speak a language that sounds like an Earth chipmunk! This whole comic book is fucking racist bullshit man!" B'dg is acting excitedly because he's found a poorly concealed panel in the wall of the cell.

B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"

Somebody must have lost a nut behind the wall for B'dg to have found the panel. Oh man. I shouldn't have said that. I should have learned the lesson Simon Baz tried to teach everybody about how B'dg is a Green Lantern and not a giant anthropomorphic chipmunk! I should at least respect him as an individual since this comic book isn't going to. His language sounds like squeaks and chirps. So fucking derogatory, man. Just...just so wrong!

Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.

Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!

Stewart and Salaak sit around trying to count how many Lanterns have been captured. And that's when they're rescued! Um, kind of?

I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"

Stewart makes a grand speech that only Salaak can understand. The other Lightsmiths probably think he's just ranting about how uncomfortable the cells were before they were infested with vermin. Salaak translates B'dg's glorious language and points out that B'dg knows where all the weapons are being kept. So he'll go fetch them and then everybody will break out of prison with a bunch of rings that have already been completely drained and, even if they weren't, would get completely drained again almost immediately by their captors' light-stealing technology. I can't wait to see how quickly the percentages fall next issue! Such drama! Such tension! Although it's no Marshalls in the Sleestak Cave drama.

Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.

Lost Army #3

"One...chance...left. Must...fart...straight up...Kilowog's nose!"

The L'army of G'lanterns recently discovered they've been transported to the universe that existed before the current DC Youniverse. I don't mean they're in the Reboot Universe or the Preboot Universe or the Pre-Zero Hour Universe or the Pre-Crisis Universe or the Pre-Flash-fucked-some-shit-up-again universe. No, I'm talking about the DC Youniverse that existed before the current DC Youniverse. Look, I'm not fucking Carl Sagan. I don't know how to explain this shit in that special way which keeps a person interested even though they're wondering why I'm spending so much time talking about the ancient Romans instead of physics and astronomy. See, the DC Youniverse began with a Big Bang. This was represented by Krona jerking off and flinging his semen across the universe and yelling "Thwip!" at the top of his lungs. But before he jerked it and came on Adam-One's face as he also seeded the current DC Youniverse, another universe had just ended. That's the universe the L'army of G'lanterns have found themselves in now! And yes, I'm going to keep referring to them in that shortened, glottal stop way! It's fucking cool.

Now Stewart and his companions have run into Relic because why not? It's not like it's improbable that they would run into this specific being in a theoretically infinite universe! And even if it was improbable (which it totally isn't, things being what things actually aren't), who wants to read twelve issues of the Lost Army as the Green Lanterns search for some clue to what happened to them. I decided not to continue using the shortened forms of Lost Army and Green Lanterns. An eleven year old informed me it wasn't as cool as I thought it was.

Relic is at a point in his life where he has yet to make up his ridiculous, completely-lacking-in-evidence theory about how using the energy of the emotional spectrum depletes the energy of the universe. So instead of battling the Lost Lanterns, he invites them into his ship for tea.

"Peeing in the time stream" is good enough, Guy. You didn't have to add "pool." Because why would a stream need a pool?!

It's about this time that John Stewart is due for a flashback to when he was a marine, so he has a flashback to when he was a marine. Everybody pay close attention to this part because it will develop the theme of this issue! Of course the message will be distorted through the lens of patriotism and how people, especially professional writers of popular entertainment, aren't allowed to criticize soldiers or the military in any way at all. The military is full of heroes who signed on to keep other Americans free and not at all nearly entirely composed of lost souls who didn't know how to live their lives on their own terms, as certain America-hating pacifists might want you to think. There's definitely no reason why the military spends so much more time recruiting at community colleges than four year universities.

Some people who might actually be using community colleges for their intended purposes might try to be offended by that last comment. But that's because everybody views the world through their own perspective and judges things by what they know. Obviously somebody going to community college with plans to transfer to a four year school would want to defend community colleges. I have no problem with them. But even if you're using them planning on transferring (or just only ever planned on getting an Associates Degree), you have to realize that many people only attend community college so that they can continue to live rent free in their parents' house after high school because they don't really know what they're going to do next. A lot of people in your classes at community college don't actually give a fuck about any of the learning going on around them. That's why they're the perfect place to recruit for the military! Recruiters are hunting lost kids who want some kind of direction after high school. It's like recruiting fish in a barrel!

John's flashback is about trusting your enemies or something. It's meant to show that he has experience with working with his enemies to get the job done and that's why the reader can now trust him to work safely with Relic and Krona.

Relic explains his nutty theory so I guess he already believes in the finite nature of the emotional spectrum. He was busy looking for a reservoir of light when he ran into the Lost Army.

Well fuck, John. That's why Relic never needed actual proof! You gave him confirmation of his theory when you lied to him!

Guy Gardner gets pissed at John for lying to Relic. But he gets pissed for all the wrong reasons! I think. I don't even really understand what his reasons are. I think he's angry because John lied so easily? Which is a dumb reason to be angry when dealing with a serious threat like Relic. Maybe Guy is really just mad because John has taken over the role of leader and Guy wants to be leader. Mostly though, I think Guy is angry at John because conflict builds character! And the story would be boring if all of the heroes agreed with each other and weren't constantly about to get into a brawl with each other.

Guy thinks by being honest with Relic, he can help save Relic's universe. That doesn't seem like the kind of thing a character should say after they were so concerned about their piss in the time stream's pool. If he helps save this universe, he dooms the universe they came from! At the very least, he changes it substantially by allowing this universe to exist longer in the space where Guy's universe is waiting to be born out of Krona's self-pleasure.

It's too bad Guy went on this rant about helping Relic because I liked the idea that Relic's theory was wrong but he now truly believed it because John said he was from the future and that the theory was true. But with Guy arguing to help save Relic's universe, it seems Relic's theory is as true in Cullen Bunn's recreation of this story as everybody believes it was during the Relic War in The New 52 Universe.

The Light Pirates attack so the Green Lanterns have to expend more energy to keep Relic's ship safe. I would put another flashback in here so John can think about how the military used up all of the Afghan resources in trying to "save" the Afghans before leaving them to deal with the consequences when the soldiers were finally able to go home.

During the battle, one of the Light Pirates drains Arisia's ring so that she winds up unprotected in space. That's where the issue ends though, so she still might survive. Or DC Comics can just get rid of her so nobody has to be reminded of Hal's time as a pedophile.

Lost Army #3 Rating: No change. I'm not a huge fan of comic books which tell the complete story of something that was mentioned or used as backstory in a previous comic book. I was just fine knowing about Relic's universe and the Lightsmiths and the Dimming and his being laughed at by all of the real scientists because he didn't know how to actually science very well. I did not need any details filled in. The only way I will be happy with how this series ends is if the Green Lanterns wind up being responsible for the death of Relic's universe through their arrogance and belief that their universe matters more than Relic's universe. I also have a problem with this cover because John Stewart was never the last Lantern standing nor did he ever fart in Kilowog's face. That means that Cullen Bunn's story changed since he submitted the solicit for it. Hopefully that means this series has already been cancelled and Cullen Bunn is improvising an ending so it wraps up coherently! Better that this series ends before I wind up hating 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.

Lost Army #2

I find I waste a lot of time on the internet when I have a Cullen Bunn comic book ready to go.

This issue begins with a flashback to John Stewart invading a foreign nation as a Marine. When did John's military history become all there was to him? I get the feeling Cullen Bunn isn't actually interested in writing stories about John Stewart. He just wants to frame each story from the point of view of a military veteran. Last issue was all about making an excuse for solving problems with violence. It didn't really make a lot of sense because Stewart's story about how aggression saved his life was actually a story about Stewart killing people trying to kill him for invading their homeland. It kind of makes the opposite point about aggression that Stewart was trying to make since the aggressors who had a right to be aggressive against the intruders were actually killed by the intruder. But I guess if you're an American, the story is a brilliant portrayal of a national hero!

Pshaw! You know who the real hero is here? I've said it before and I'll say it again until everybody agrees with me: the true hero is me! Because I'm the one reading all of Cullen Bunn's awful DC Superhero work!

John's memory is about an abandoned town that didn't want to risk the aggressiveness of the marines moving through it so they left everything they knew so they could survive. The reason he has this memory is so that he can reply to Arisia's statement about the Rage Pyarmid being abandoned with the revelation that the pyramid seems more like a kill zone. And he says it just in time to be attacked by the Real Rage Lanterns! Hopefully that extra second due to his insight will allow the Lanterns to survive the ambush.

Sorry! They're not lanterns! They're Light Pirates!

The Light Pirates create crystalline constructs with their light. For some reason. I mean, what's the difference between a hard light construct and a crystal construct? Is it just that the crystal constructs never dissipate? Does that mean the energy can be recycled later? Maybe the Green Lanterns aren't as green as they thought, eh? Eh? No?

The Light Pirates refer to the Green Lantern's power as "Resolve" while their power comes from "Fury." What is this? Some new Tangent Universe? "Hope" will probably become "Faith." And "Fear" will probably become "Terror." And "Compassion" will probably become "Spooning." And "Greed" will probably become "Trickle Down." And "Love" will probably become "Obsession."

While I was busy making up stupid synonyms for the Lantern's power sources, John Stewart was encased in red crystal. At the expense of his ring's charge, he's able to break out of the crystal. But he still has a 5% charge which is just as good as a 100% charge, just closer to being expended. But I guess at 5% power, Stewart loses the ability to do anything with it or risk losing all the power completely. It's also just an excuse to make him weak and vulnerable.

Which Red Lanterns is Guy talking about?! I think they'd all kick a man when he's down! It's kind of what they do!

After Guy saves John, Guy is all, "Hey! Hey! *snicker* Remember when you called me the Christmas Lantern? Remember that?! You should remember because I have a funny retort that will only make sense if you remember it! Do you?" And John, possibly taking his last breath with his ring's power running out says, "Y-yeah." And Guy says, "Because...hee hee hee...I guess your name made the good list this year. Get it! Like Santa Claus! It's funny, right? I mean, I suppose I could have come up with a better joke and I suppose I didn't have to remind you about the Christmas thing because that's such a lousy set up. Oh man! I should have hit those Red Lanterns with a sleigh pulled by reindeer and yelled, 'Ho ho ho!' Dammit!"

The Lanterns' rings are all around twenty percent charge and they're beginning to freak out that the rings will be spent after this battle. I have to say, the batteries on these rings are pieces of shit. Can somebody hire a Weaponer of Qward to upgrade these things?

Guy and John hit up the Rage Pyramid to charge their rings. As the pyramid changes from red to green, the Light Pirates freak out and rush off to tell the Overseers. Meanwhile, John and Guy's rings charge to 200%. But who the fuck cares? They'll still begin to run out of charge whenever a battle needs false tension and bullshit drama. The Lanterns all charge their rings and then fly away to find more Lanterns and find their way home. Nobody gives a shit about looking into a power source that burns cleaner and more powerfully than the shitty juice the Guardians of Oa have been selling them all this time? Krona mentions wanting to stick around to investigate if only they had more time but I guess they don't have more time because the Light Pirates may return with reinforcements. Although they bested them with rings at only 20% so why not stick around to fight them with rings powered at 200%?! Cowards.

As the Lanterns continue to fly aimlessly through space searching for a Lantern in an immeasurably vast and infinite haystack, they run into Relic. Not the Relic they defeated but the Relic from his own universe. So the Lanterns have been transported to the universe that existed before the universe they're from. I wonder how John's military service will help him deal with this revelation.

Lost Army #2 Rating: No change. Since this is the universe before the universe that Krona is from, does that mean that the hand that Krona saw forming his universe will wind up being his own hand?! Mind blown!

Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.