Damage #1

How come this isn't a double-splash page? Oh wait.


That's more like it.

The two week old version of myself purchased this comic book because he hates present me. Looking at this piece of defecation he purchased for me, if I had access to a time machine, I would literally go back two weeks ago and murder myself. I don't even care what would happen to the space time continuum.

Somebody more rational than me might be thinking, "Dude. Calm down. Just don't read it." To those rational people, I say, "Fuck you! Who gave you permission to be a hypothetical aside in my mind?! Asshole."

Take a good look at the bottom panel of that fucked up cover idea because it depicts one of my favorite comic book tropes: female protagonists who always look fuckable even when they're critically injured or dead. Is that commentary on the sexism inherent in the art of comic books or have I just discovered that I might be into necrophilia?

Here's my unique take on this comic book that probably no other online review site has come up with: Damage is just the Incredible Hulk! Fuck man. I am so out there with the hot takes. Corporate comic book companies can't pull the obliquely homoerotic spandex over my eyes! That's another one of my hot takes: superhero comics are totally about the gay lifestyle. I should probably do a little more research into the gay lifestyle before I write an essay on that though. Does anybody know any discreet gay bars in Portland?

The inside cover of this comic book is a fraction of a larger poster of one of the New Age of Heroes! comic books. I guess I'm supposed to buy two copies of each of these new books so I can cut one up and sellotape them together to hang on my wall? Who do I ask about decorating advice? Is a taped together comic book poster on the wall of an adult really any worse than a pristine and framed comic book poster on the wall of an adult? I hope the person I'm consulting on decorating also knows something about fashion because I'd like to know if I should own more than just comic book t-shirts.

This issue begins with a classic set-up of the protagonist's motivation.

Most people join the army to defend the United States or to end terrorism or to get away from their mother's new boyfriend. But Ethan just wanted to play dress-up.

How many young people read "Let loose, Ethan," and thought, "That's not even grammatically correct." How many young people just read what I wrote and thought, "What's grammatically?" How many young people never even read what I wrote because reading? Who has time for anything except animated GIFs?!

Ethan is terribly disappointed in his military career. He probably should have looked into the United States military before signing up. I mean, I'm going to look into the gay lifestyle before I jump right in with the belief that they're all going to embrace my ideas based on the gay lifestyle pedestal I've cultivated in my closet. If Ethan were me, he'd probably have signed on to be gay, walked into a gay bar, and started shouting, "Where is all the vagina?!"

What I'm trying to say is, "Why is Ethan so surprised that the military is using him in the way the military wants to use him?" That's what fucking happens, Ethan, when you sign your free will away! Sure, you could decide to not follow orders by refusing to take the experimental serum that turns you into a living monster. But you can't complain when you get a court martial for being a huge whining dick. I mean, you can complain. But nobody is going to care. I know I'm already not caring and I have a feeling you're going to be complaining throughout this entire comic book. "I don't want to be a monster! I want to be good! I want to help the world! I don't want to destroy! I want to build! I want to create! I want to suck all the cocks!"

Whoops. Sorry. That last one was somebody else's desire. Never you mind whose.

Some people might have passed on this book because they have a foot fetish and they noticed Damage's feet weren't depicted on the cover. Well, let me inform you that you made the right choice by passing on this dreck.

I'm on the fence as to whether I think Tony S. Daniel can't draw feet or part of Damage's origin story is that he has terrible looking feet.

Venditti and Daniel are both credited as the "story tellers." I think that's mostly just part of the whole campaign behind this new age of dc heroes. They're really trying to put the artist right up front as the most important aspect of the book. But I have a feeling the two of them weren't the greatest collaborators.

Venditti: "We should open with a loving scene from one of Ethan's earliest memories where maybe his mother went out of her way, at great danger to herself, to help somebody in need. It could run two or three pages and we'll show how much Ethan loves and respects his mother and her peaceful influence on himself and the world around him."
Daniel: "Yeah, yeah. That's all good. But how are you going to hook new readers with that? Does somebody get punched? Or is the mother just in a towel? She's hot, right?"
Venditti: "No, no. She'll just be in a normal weekend getup. Jeans and a cool blouse or something. Anyway, that doesn't matter. This scene will hook the reader with the emotional connection."
Daniel: "I don't see it. How about instead we begin with a double-splash page of Damage falling out of an airplane?"
Venditti: "I don't know. That seems like the kind of thing that can be done in a long panel. It feels like wasted space."
Daniel: "Well, I already drew it. So make sure it's in the script. And don't forget about writing in a nearly naked babe at some point. Anyway, you figure it out. I'm going to go look at feetless anatomy models now."

The plane that was supposed to deliver Damage to wherever the fuck they were going is called Stork-1. Get it?! GET IT?!

Damage escapes which causes some military guy to scream, "Damage is off the leash! He's off the leash!" DC loves to "unleash" its characters. They seem to think it's the most exciting thing that can happen in a super hero comic book. They should all come live in Portland because I don't think I've ever seen a dog on leash here in the last twenty years.

I think I purchased a knock-off dictionary because I can't find "assest" in it anywhere.

I think "assest" is a portmanteau of "asses" and "assets." So the additional "assests" inbound are obviously the Suicide Squad.

Venditti: "Okay, okay. We'll start in the middle of the action. Damage falls into a public space and must be stopped. The military men are all lubing their asses for the public reaming they're about to take for their secret weapon being exposed and released in an American city. But Ethan will still be there inside Damage's mind trying to control the beast. We'll offer a flashback to the time with his mother in his effort to calm Damage down."
Daniel: "I could see that. That's like real writing, right? But could you maybe just make the fight go on for about ten pages and throw in another double-splash page?"
Venditti: "Let me guess. You already drew it."
Daniel: "Well, yeah. I just had this epiphany! I couldn't stop drawing the fight scene! I imagine it begins between Ethan who is a total pacifist loser who was only picked for the job because the military thought his low aggression would be easier to control. But he's battling the high testosterone guy who fucks tons of ladies who is all, 'I should have been Damage! I'm the bad ass who has a hot tattoo of a lady in a towel that you can totally see in the third double-splash page!'"
Venditti: "Fine. Um, you know what. Just go off this script." *Venditti pushes one sheet of paper across the table that reads "Pages 1-14: fight scene."*

"No, no! Don't kill me!" Damage doesn't kill him. "Pussy!"

The Suicide Squad appears on scene to capture Damage. But they're not being called the Suicide Squad nor Task Force X. This is a new and more exciting era of DC Comics! So Daniel and Venditti came up with this classic name for the new way too exciting Suicide Squad: Task Force XL! Ha ha ha! I can't wait for some writer to turn them into a fuck-fighting force and call them Task Force XXX.

Damage #1 Rating: This book was a terrible first issue if you're an actual critic of story telling. But if you're the kind of person who runs a comic book company and you're constantly running around the offices screaming "More action! More splash pages! More art that makes me put my dick in my own mouth!" then you might be proud of this embarrassment. It was a fourteen page action sequence where we learn that Ethan somehow turns into a completely separate creature that he can talk to from wherever Ethan disappears to. You might now be thinking that I don't understand the conceit but I do. I'm just taking it literally as it appears because it's so fucking stupid. Ethan simply turns into a monster and then he talks to himself as if he's a different person. It's basically The Hulk on a leash which is ironic considering DC's penchant for unleashing things. And the appearance of Task Force XL is simply the exclamation point on the entire thing. Except not an exclamation point, exactly. Is there a piece of punctuation that doesn't say "This was exciting!" but says "This was intensely stupid!" You know, an idiocy mark? Hey, civilization. We should invent one. It's super needed right now in the United States and the United Kingdom.

If you enjoyed this critique, maybe you'll enjoy my other thoughts on popular culture via the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Newsletter available at tinyletter.com/GrunionGuy

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #20

Who shrunk Hal Jordan's lower torso?

• Previously on Green Lantern, time travel shenanigans were boring the fuck out of me. You know you're in for some terrible nonsense when Rip Hunter makes an appearance.

• I rarely prefer pre-Modern Age comics but I do miss when time travel stories were used for silly what-if bullshit. Now if there's some kind of time travel, it's always because something went wrong in the future which can only be changed in the present. Hmm. Maybe I've been reading time travel stories wrong. Maybe they're all just morality tales to make young readers aware that their actions have consequences! "See what happens when you don't do your chores? Your great-great-grandson will become a megalomaniac who takes over the entire universe! Good work, lazy!"

• Mogo is currently under attack from Prism Beasts. They're the hench-creatures of Sarko (he's the Cable guy of this time travel story) and they're immune to spectrum light. I think it has to do with their crystalline nature. But you know what beasts made of crystals probably aren't immune to? Bullets! If only Simon Baz's gun were here!

• John Stewart gets readers caught up on the story via a first page that's 80% Narration Box. He also spreads some outrageously inaccurate information.

First, no. Just because you say it, it doesn't make it true. Second, that may have been true at one time. But writers have become so lazy that whenever they need a threat to the Green Lantern Corps, they introduce an antagonist that isn't affected by the Green Lantern light. Its brand has been severely diluted in the modern era.

• Hal Jordan makes sure to put the period on the sentence "The Green Lanterns are fucked" by explaining to John that he's used every construct he can think of and focused all of his will power. Oh, well then! I guess that's that. Game over. Time to put away the pieces and stick it back up on the top shelf of the closet between Going to Jerusalem and Monopoly. I would be a bit skeptical that he tried every construct he could think of except that it's Hal Jordan. He's not exactly fueled by imagination. He probably tried a missile, a gun, a tank, a giant baseball bat, a bulldozer, a giant cat, and a tennis racket. None of them worked!

• After Hal reports that the creatures aren't affected by his ring, John's decision is to use more rings on them. He really does come from a military background, doesn't he?

• I probably don't need this bullet point but I just want to make it clear: John's plan doesn't work.

Sarko really is a major bad guy. Even Lex Luthor doesn't use infanticide metaphors!

• Hal realizes that he's to blame for the Prism Beasts due to his use of Krona's Gauntlet to forge a new Green Lantern ring. He buried the gauntlet on the planet where Sarko currently holds Gorin-sunn and Space Ape hostage. Well, that's an easy enough problem to solve! They've got Rip Hunter, after all. Just go back in time, dig up the gauntlet, and throw it in a nearby sun. If the premise of this story is that time travel can be used willy-nilly to constantly alter an ever-changing and fucking confusing future then maybe use time travel to your benefit! Stop fighting in the present and go back further in the past to fix the terrible present that is happening due to the terrible future that happened because of the current present! Or something.

• The Green Lantern Corps' plan is to battle the beasts to a standstill while Hal and Rip head off to dig up Krona's Gauntlet and keep it off of future Sarko's hand. That's almost the right plan! Use time travel, dum-dums!

• I know, I know. Rip Hunter probably can't time travel right now because he doesn't have the proper equipment. He might have explained it in a past issue but knowing that more time travel would just make the resolution too easy is explanation enough.

• Guy Gardner and Arkillo join the battle too.

Guy is as imaginative as Hal.

• Okay, he's less imaginative. After his giant baseball bat fails, he says, "Welp. I'm out of ideas." Good job, Guy. Good job.

• As Hal and Rip flee Mogo, the Green and Yellow Lanterns remove their rings and surrender to the Prism Beasts. Losers.

• Sarko reveals that his father knew Hal Jordan and Hal Jordan told his father where Krona's Gauntlet was buried. Since Sarko looks like a Korugarian and there are only a few people Hal would trust with that kind of information, Sarko's parents must be Soranik and Kyle Rayner. He's Sinestro's grandson. Who probably exists because Sinestro was too Goddamned lazy to do his chores.

Suicide Squad #17

In Russia, Zod kneels before you. Shit. I think I have to turn in my writing card now.

Remember when the Suicide Squad gave their members the choice to be on the team? It's possible most of the people reading this comic book weren't born when that last happened. Now it's just a team of anybody Amanda wants forced into slavery under the threat of death. Specifically, I'm speaking about Zod right now since, at this point, I really have no fucking clue what the incentive is for all of the other people on the team. Deadshot wants to be able to visit his daughter sometimes but he sure put up with a lot of fucking bullshit for a long fucking time before that finally happened. And he had to lose a hand to get that carrot! Harley is on the team because DC Comics is afraid to lose half the readership by dropping her. Killer Croc is on the team because I don't know why. Why is he even in Belle Reve? It's a mystery! Captain Boomerang is on the team because he's full of guilt and self-loathing and believes he deserves the humiliation he receives from Amanda. Also he constantly has a boner for some reason. Zod is on the team because he's an alien and Amanda enslaved him. I'm sure he'll just shrug his shoulders and look on the bright side and get on with it.

Look at Deadshot on that cover. Why do all the terrible artists that people think are actually the best artists believe that Deadshot can see anything out of a scope in his mask that far over on the side of his head? Fuck you, Tony S. Daniel and John Romita Jr. Probably Jim Lee too but I don't remember being upset about his placement. Although I'm sure Jim Lee filled the scope with scribbles, so even if it were in the correct place on Floyd's face, he still wouldn't have been able to see out of it.

All the best covert organizations have headquarters behind waterfalls.

When are we going to get the Nightwing comic book where he goes undercover in an international construction company that builds super villain secret headquarters? Think of all the crime that can be stopped before the villain even has a place to sit backwards in a chair facing a bunch of monitors while stroking a cat!

Zod is introduced falling out of a helicopter with the rest of the squad as he screams the thing you expect him to scream. It's hilarious because that's what Zod or people hearing the name Zod always say! He doesn't seem particularly upset that he's been enslaved. As long as he has the illusion of freedom (which he only has due to his delusional nature or why else would he explain to Amanda that he serves no one while doing what he's told?), I suppose he can't get too upset. Besides, he gets to kill people! That's a pretty sweet perk.

The Squad have come to destroy the Annihilation Brigade. They're Russia's version of the Suicide Squad. Maybe. I mean, if that's true, why are they located in Zimbabwe? Is it only because there are no famous waterfalls in Russia? I mean, there might be! But only waterfall nerds have probably heard of them! Whew. Now nobody will dare to say I look ignorant by my lack of international waterfall knowledge because they'll be too embarrassed to admit they're a waterfall nerd!

The first member of the Annihilation Brigade to die is Tunguska. I first heard of the incident at Tunguska due to In Search Of. That was my favorite show as a kid.

"Zod will invent the ways"? That doesn't make any sense. Unless one of the ways Zod just invented was ramming his boner through Tunguska's liver. I mean, why else is Tunguska screaming like that? I doubt it's due to Zod's breath.

Coming to Tunguska's rescue are his colleagues, Cosmonut and Tankograd. Cosmonut has the power of silly typos while Tankograd has the powers of a city made of tanks. I understand why Cosmonut wears a space uniform while the only thing he can say is a picture of a peanut. But why does he have a head shaped like a hammer? If there's one nut that doesn't need some kind of tool to crack it, it's the peanut! They should have called it the pussnut.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Harcourt has realized her jigs are up and begins slaughtering people. Amanda probably knew this would happen and didn't warn all the techies because Amanda is a fucking asshole.

The advertisement for the King Arthur movie still makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Who the fuck are these people making movies in Hollywood?! I'm surprised King Arthur doesn't have huge fucking ear gauges in that ad.

Um, anyway, Harcourt reports back to The People before setting the self-destruct code on Belle Reve. Fucking self-destruct codes. It's like one lazy fucking hack writer somewhere in the past needed a quick and easy way to threaten the lives of the heroes while also allowing for the utter annihilation of the bad guys so that asshole invented the idea of a self-destruct mechanism built into the evil organization's headquarters. And it was such an easy way to advance the plot and add tension, other lazy hack writers decided to use the premise until it became something audiences stopped questioning. I wouldn't mind if all of our homes were rigged with self-destruct codes just in case a guest stays too long or some Mormon missionaries ride up on their bikes to discuss Christ's new world message.

The Suicide Squad discover that The People's compound behind Victoria Falls is their version of Belle Reve. It's full of imprisoned super-powered people with bombs in their brains. Does the Suicide Squad really need to confront an organization that holds up a mirror to their organization so that they suddenly see all of its flaws? I think they already knew how shitty it was. They don't really need a lesson to get them thinking, "Hey! I don't think Amanda Waller has our best interests at heart at all!"

You're right, Floyd. You aren't the Teen Titans. You do more good than they do.

Tunguska blows up, killing everybody. Everybody except the people labeling under the delusion that they're job is so dangerous that they might as well just kill themselves. They never die. They teleport away along with Cosmonut because he's obviously the best prisoner to interrogate.

"Who is behind this?!"

Later in Belle Reve, Amanda confronts Harcourt before she can escape. Remember how I mentioned how Amanda was a huge fucking asshole because she didn't warn the techies earlier?

She's even worse than that! She's also lucky Harcourt didn't kill two techies with one bullet!

Harcourt is a terrible spy. One of the first things they learn is to tell how many bullets are in the clip of your gun simply by weight! Probably. I mean, I'd definitely teach that course if I were running a Spy Community College Program.

Captain Boomerang kills Harcourt before she can tell Amanda that Boomer killed Hack. Oh, also before Harcourt can kill Amanda. I just mentioned them in order of importance. I still don't know why Boomer killed Hack but since he liked her, it must have been mind control. Or else that self-loathing I mentioned earlier that he's full of.

In the epilogue, Cosmonut is interrogated and Amanda learns what a peanut looks like when spoken. Rick Flag sucks on Harley's finger which, according to earlier issues, was probably just inside his asshole. And Zod speaks with his cohorts inside the Black Vault (probably Faora and that dumb oaf) before attempting to do brain surgery on himself with his heat vision and a mirror. That totally makes sense, right? His heat vision is powerful enough to cut into his own Kryptonian brain but not powerful enough to shatter a mirror. Because light or something!

I really need to dig up Ostrander's run on this thing and reread that. Although I might be severely disappointed. I was pretty young when I read and loved it. What if my raging cynicism, cultivated from years of life constantly trying to put me in the ground and my existential terror of just about every mundane task civilization expects out of adults, make me realize it was actually terrible?! Hmm. Now I really want to reread it!

Suicide Squad #16

This comic book keeps insisting on artists whose work I have serious issues with: Jim Lee, John Romita Jr, and now Tony S. Daniel. Blarg!

The Review!
-1 Ranking. This issue was not entertaining. I did not learn anything interesting about Lex Luthor. I did not learn anything interesting about Amanda Waller. You might be wondering, "Did you expect to?" Well, no, not at first. But the way Williams wrote the story, it felt like he was trying to teach me something about them that he gleaned with his magnificent wisdom. Like how they're lonely and want to fuck each other, I think.

Amanda just wanted some kryptonite from Lex which he tried to give her on page two but she refused because she's apparently not as all-knowing and manipulative as she thinks she is. So instead of moving on to an entertaining story with the kryptonite in her pocket, she bores me for several more pages. Lex is particularly boring and cliché as he points out, as the smartest guy on Earth, that he already knows everything there is to know. No hiding any secrets from him! While Lex and Amanda bore me, the Suicide Squad attempt to burgle Lex's vault. The mission is successful if the mission was to get me to hate every single member of the team, even the ones I used to like. Enchantress shouts annoying Satanic-lite gibberish. Captain Boomerang complains about his arm lost in the teleportation process but never in any realistic way like screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" or vomiting all over the place. Harley Quinn acts goofy and whimsically in a way that makes me wish I'd stopped reading this comic book five years ago. And Deadshot doesn't really do anything at all. I think. I don't really remember. Was he even in this? Maybe he wasn't in this the way Killer Croc and Katana, although on the cover, weren't in this.

The whole point of the story was for Amanda to get some kryptonite to stick into General Zod's head so that she can have a criminal Superman on her team. Because having beings of cosmic power worked out so well in her first version of Task Force X.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #16

Imagine how many more copies this comic would have sold if the artist had gotten the scene right and put Guy in his Warrior costume.

The Review!
No change. Guy Gardner beats the shit out of Arkillo (and also the eyes and the teeth (but not the fingers. I mean, one finger! But not the fingers that Arkillo suddenly grew back that he didn't used to have)). Arkillo also beats the shit out of Guy Gardner. But Guy wins because he was raised by a man who always beat the shit out of him and called him a disappointment. This issue is basically just about how Guy Gardner's Daddy Issues make him tough. Stupid. I just want him to be tough because he's kind of stupid and stubborn. I guess maybe I'm supposed to feel sympathy for him now?

What about Batman's punch that knocked the bad attitude out of you? Did that punch also knock the memory of itself out of you, Guy?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #14

People relied too much on hoping things would work out. And guess what? Things didn't!

• This issue begins with Guy Gardner catching Space Cabbie. Did I have a stroke? Am I imagining Pre-Crisis comic books that never actually happened but could have happened? My head has been feeling a little weird today but I chalked it up to having eaten too much carrot cake and not enough of the other stuff. You know the stuff. The stuff that grows out of the ground.

• Based on all the hullabaloo surrounding people's diets in this country (this country being the United States of America, if you couldn't tell by my brash confidence, pockets bulging with probably money, and the constant pretension that my cock is huge (have I not been pretensing that? Sometimes, as a United States Citizen, I forget to keep up with the rules and regulations of being a citizen. It's like never visiting tourist attractions in your home town. Anyway, huge. So large. Like, ten centimeters or something (also as a U.S. Citizen, I don't do the metric system so that measurement might be an exaggeration))), I decided to ask Lord Google about modern cases of scurvy. Apparently they still happen on occasion even though some doctor named Churchill in some Slate article has this advice: "You can have a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets a day, and that’ll give you enough vitamin C to keep you from contracting scurvy." I knew McDonald's could be healthy!

• At least that solves the mystery of why I don't have scurvy. I put ketchup on everything!

• Guy Gardner is hunting down rogue Sinestro Corps members. Maybe. I don't fucking know! Just read the stupid comic book if you need to know all of the precise details without any of my embellishments and digressions.

• Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner embark on their own mission to find Hope. Judging by Kyle Rayner's attitude, he's been performing stand-up at open mic nights across the galaxy. Judging by his jokes, he's terrible at it. He may have mastered fear, love, anger, will, hope, compassion, and the other one but he's worse than a beginner at humor.

• Guy Gardner brings Space Cabbie back to Mogo where he tells them everything he's heard from fares about the rogue Sinestro Corps members. John's plan is to round them up and give them a choice: prison or enslavement. I mean, technically it's not enslavement. He calls it redemption. But the option to go to jail or to work with the Green Lantern Corps to protect the universe isn't much of a choice. How long do they have to spend in the Space Corps before they've been redeemed? Can they retire at that point?

• On a lava planet full of dragons (which might be Ysmault), Kyle and Hal discover Saint Walker being devoured by the Misery Mound.

You'll find artists often cover up a character's feet. Not because they can't draw feet. Feet are easy! What's difficult is drawing the full body of a character at the right size on a comic book page, either because it's easy to misjudge how much room you're using when you start drawing the head or because they don't want to bother with horizon and perspective to get the footing correct. There are absolutely no other reasons!

The Ranking!
No change! I guess it's time to get the Emotional Spectrum Machine up and running again. More colors equals more problems! And more problems equals easier to write stories!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #11

Now kiss!

The Review!
This issue begins by telling the story of how Larfleeze began working with Brainiac 2.0. It might be the most boring, unnecessary two pages of flashback in any comic story I've ever read¹. We learn that Brainiac 2.0 was in Larfleeze's junk pile and came back to life when Larfleeze tried to fuck it. They then became best friends due to their shared love of collecting things and being fucked.

I just made the flashback more interesting than it actually was, thus ruining my point about how boring and unnecessary it was.

I suppose if the flashback wasn't added to the comic book, fangenders would forever be wondering how the two of them came to be working together. Nobody would have ever come up with the theory that Larfleeze just collected the collector and they bonded over collecting. That's just too far outside of any imagination ever imagined.

Brainiac 2.0 is me in Junior High.

John Stewart comes up with a plan when he realizes Larfleeze is their real captor. When he thought it was Brainiac 2.0, he was all, "Poo! This is impossible! We're stuck! I've failed again!" And Guy was all, "At least you haven't blown us all up yet, amirite?!" Then John cried. But now he has a plan because he understands Larfleeze's greed, having been raised in America. Hopefully he won't have a flashback to his times in the Marines to explain his plan. Can't he ever remember that he was once an architect too? He's supposed to be a bridge-builder but Cullen Bunn just turned him into military thinker. Those are practically the opposite!

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan explains his vision of heaven to the last two Guardians and Kyle Rayner.

The universe being managed by hard light created through the use of six different emotions (plus willpower) is a totally acceptable theory. But a Green Lantern Heaven?! Get the fuck out!

John's plan seems to be to battle with the Yellow Lanterns until Larfleeze gets so distressed that some of his collectibles might kill each other that he'll try to separate them. Unless his actual plan is just to punch Soranik in the face because why not? Either way, I guess he's using a little bit of both of his pasts. He's using violence like he learned to use in the military. And he's using his architect's brain by realizing a greedy motherfucker who owns a building probably doesn't want that building to fall down.

Larfleeze falls for it and destroys the container before his collection can reduce itself through infighting. All this talk of collecting makes me realize I have less than a week to collect the rest of the Year of the Rooster skins on Overwatch! Why am I reading comic books and not playing video games? Life is so difficult!

Back on Mogo at the center of the universe, Hal Jordan has finally returned to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. He finds them missing and panics for about three seconds before Mogo lets them know that communication with the Green Lantern Corps has returned and they're busy visiting Okaara. I guess I'll finally get to see how powerful Larfleeze is when he's in a real continuity comic book and not an off-shoot Giffen/DeMatteis universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

____________________________
¹Discounting stories written by Lobdell, DeFalco, Nocenti, Krul, Finch, and Liefeld. Probably a bunch of others I can't remember because my brain is kind.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #9

How am I supposed to stick to my pledge of seriousness when this is the fucking cover?!

Remember Convergence? It wasn't that long ago and it was terrible. It was awful. It was barely readable. Well it's back! The Green Lantern Corps have been placed inside yet another one of Brainiac's containers. At least this time they probably won't have to deal with DC's unresolved continuity issues. DC Comics really needs some serious therapy to figure out why they feel the need to constantly reboot their universe. Stop trying to make the perfect universe that makes absolute sense! Let shit get crazy and stupid. If at a later date you want to ignore some embarrassing hero somebody created, just fucking start ignoring it! There's no shame in taking control of your universe however you want. You don't owe the way-too-serious fangenders any answers! Stop trying to outguess the issues you think they're going to have with every move you make and just write interesting stories! Convergence sucked because it was an explanation masquerading as storytelling. It was a sloppy paint job on a car without an engine! You know what would have been better than Convergence? Just telling the writers to write whatever stories they want based on whatever continuity they wanted. Just open up the entire universe and let their imaginations run wild! Except for Scott Lobdell's imagination. You should probably put three or four editors on him and make sure they're telling him exactly what to write.

Humanoids with fins on their heads? Star fish conquerors? I never thought I'd say this but this looks like a job for Aquaman!

While the Green Lantern Corps and what's left of the Sinestro Corps are trapped in one of Brainiac's bottled worlds, Hal Jordan finds himself trapped in Emerald Space with Abin Sur. Is Emerald Space where Green Lanterns go to die? I don't think I'm going to get the answer to that question this issue (although if the question has already been answered in the past, I'm sure my secret source of Green Lantern knowledge will know it).

Back on Xudar, John Stewart realizes that the Starro spores must be in some kind of telepathic communication with Starro so he orders Green Lantern Rot Lop Fan to disrupt the communication. Rot Lop Fan does this by chanting his own terrible version of the Green Lantern Oath. "In loudest din or hush profound, my ears catch evil's slightest sound. Let those who toll out evil's knell, beware my power--the F-Sharp Bell!" I feel humiliated and depressed just retyping that! Rot Lop Fan doesn't even wear a Green Lantern Ring on his uniform; he's got a green bell. Who is this jerk and what makes him so special and completely annoying?

Rot Lop's F-Sharp Bell kills all of Starro's spores and saves the Xudarians. He also notices that the barrier is actually some kind of glass. That causes John to realize what's happened to them: they've been captured by Brainiac. Hopefully, seeing as how this is Rebirth, he doesn't remember Convergence and Futures End or else he might just kill himself rather than go through those bullshit stories a second time.

Back on Nok, Ganthet has summoned Kyle Rayner to save Hal Jordan's life. Hal is currently in the Emerald Space which seems to be inside his ring, or the green light of will in the emotional spectrum (which is, you know, in the ring!). So the White Lantern will bring Hal Jordan back to life. But Sinestro will have to find his own means of resurrection because you know there's no way he's going to stay dead!

The Ranking!
No change! Is it just me or do two books per month feel exactly like one book per month just spread out across forty pages?! Maybe it's just me and my need to rush through as many of these comic books as possible to put some kind of fucking dent in my comic book backlog! I'll get to really digressing and saying "fuck" a lot as soon as I get caught up and can take the time to do one comic book per day without falling into a reading deficit!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #7

Sinestro pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

What's the proper way to express that a woman is sexually attracted to another person? It isn't by yelling "GOOOSH!" really loudly, is it? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

Sinestro couldn't defeat the Lanterns when they were powerless against anything yellow. What makes him think he can stop them now? Oh right! Pride and his huge Korugarian cock.

This issue begins in a way that I used to define as "Lobdelling it." The first page is full of Narration Boxes reminding the reader who the main character is and what his motivations might be. In Superboy's case, it was that he was created to be a living weapon. In Hal Jordan's case, it's because he watched his father throw his life away to the military to test planes that probably weren't going to fly straight. I think I'm supposed to turn the page with the feeling that Hal Jordan has overcome some serious hardships to find his true calling. But all I'm thinking is, "This guy needs some serious validation because of his Daddy Issues."

Lobdelled first pages always feel like a starter method for writers who aren't sure how to get back into the story after however they ended it the previous month. It's like I have to see their writing exercises to get their mojo-soaked juices flowing again. In Lobdell's case, it usually just means the next few pages are going to completely alter the previous issue's last few pages. I suppose in Venditti's case, he's just trying to set up some thematic elements that will reflect on Jordan's relationship with Sinestro. About 75% of that relationship is comparing cock sizes. That's why I mentioned Sinestro's cock earlier! It's an important aspect in his constant fuckfighting with Hal Jordan.

GOOOSH!

I suspect when I turn the page, I'm going to read ten pages of light construct battles where Hal makes a giant green bowling ball to deflect the giant yellow pins Sinestro sends at him. And then Hal will launch a huge green shuttlecock at Sinestro who will whip it back at Hal with a large yellow racket. Then Hal will create a giant green version of Sinestro and Sinestro will create a giant yellow version of Hal Jordan and I'll become too confused to keep masturbating to the fuckfight.

While this is going on, Lyssa is probably rubbing her engorged lady parts all over Guy Gardner's throbbing mandeal.

While that is going on, John Stewart is leading the Green Lantern Corps into battle.

I'd prefer a leader whose pre-speech battle doesn't strongly imply that we're all going to die.

For completists who read the first scanned panel and thought, "But how does Sinestro finish that statement?!", that second scanned panel is for you!

Hal Jordan's first move against Sinestro is to point out Sinestro's record against Hal Jordan. It's something like five billion to zero. Although I can see why Sinestro might think it's more like five billion to five billion since he'd see every battle they'd ever had in terms of how he beat Hal at first (one win!) but then Hal always came back to ultimately win the day (one loss!). I know that's how I track all of the women I've ever slept with. "Excuse me, would you like to go on a date that will obviously eventually lead to sex?" (One sexual partner!) "No." (Um, still one sexual partner, as far as my bros are concerned!) This is probably why the term "talked" has become synonymous with sex. Because a lot of guys are constantly striking out but they don't want to go into the details of the no sex, seeing as how that would shatter the illusion that they had sex!

The actual first move, in regards to light constructs, is this: Hal Jordan shoots a bunch of dildos at Sinestro while he creates a clawed receptacle to catch them. I think that sums up their relationship fairly well. This double splash page could also just have been Hal with his pants around his ankles pounding Sinestro in the ass while Sinestro cries tears of joy and mutters, "My greatest friend! My worst enemy!"

Sinestro points out that Hal Jordan might be the most stubborn man in the universe but he's really not that bright when it comes to tactics and strategy and crossword puzzles. But Hal Jordan is way ahead of Sinestro this time because Hal knows that too! That's why he didn't come up with the current plan to bring down Sinestro! That plan was thought up by the real greatest Green Lantern of all time! Guy Gardner! No wait. He's currently having the most painful and scariest sex ever with Lyssa. The person who came up with the plan probably has huge Daddy Issues that need to be resolved. So that would be...well shit. That could be anybody in the DC Universe. Oh! But it will probably be thematic to this story! So, um, what's her name! Sinestro's daughter! Soranik!

Soranik is busy freeing Guy Gardner and the other prisoners of the Fear Engine so it can be dismantled and Sinestro's power will drop from 1000% to the normal 100% that doesn't do any good against Hal Jordan's willpower. Soranik knocks out Lyssa and, somehow, none of Lyssa's sexy parts fall out of her negligible costume when she falls over. Darn.

Soranik, Guy, and all the prisoners flee the planet as Hal Jordan decides to crash and burn. I mean, he calls it a blaze of glory and a triumphant defeat but he spent all that time reminding readers about his dad's death and how he knew he would one day go out the same way. Hal turns himself into a Willpower Bomb and blows himself up, taking Warworld, Sinestro, and Lyssa with him. As Sinestro dies, he yells, "Lyssa, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?!" Lyssa dies shrugging.

John and his army arrive just in time to see Warworld blow up. Good job, Green Lantern Corps! After that, Soranik, Guy, and all of the Yellow Lanterns who finally decided they didn't care about fighting at the side of a maniac who killed anybody who disappointed him. I guess the Green Lanterns have some new, and particularly horrible looking, new recruits? Maybe the Yellow Lanterns will become Guy's battalion. I mean, they already have a leader in Soranik but who fucking cares about Soranik?! She can be the female character that's entirely capable of being the hero but takes a back seat to the guy. A literal Guy this time!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. I can't not raise the ranking of a comic book that just killed Hal Jordan and Sinestro, right?! I mean, I'm sure they weren't vaporized (although Sinestro had a skeletal hand just before the end, to demonstrate the raw power generated by Hal). They've probably been converted to light energy or something. I mean, Hal Jordan is still in the title of the comic book! This isn't "The Green Lantern Corps and Memories of Hal Jordan!"

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #6

Hal Jordan pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

I considered trying to be more earnest while discussing the comic books I read because does the world really need another cynical voice to add to the cacophony? Sure, my cynical voice is the best cynical voice when it comes to comic books and putting your penis inside of things (that's a different blog! A secret blog!). Although it's a written cynical voice so technically, in this day and age, it isn't even better than even the most boring voice posting YouTube videos about the stupid comic books somebody jerked off on earlier in the day. Plus, whenever I see anybody raving about how awesome a terrible or mediocre comic book was, I involuntary start making the international sign for jerking off. Sometimes with both hands. I realize that too many earnest voices want to somehow ingratiate themselves into the professional comic book community by putting up videos where they show the comic book they read and then measure the erection it gave them (or the amount of vaginal juices it got flowing. I'm not sexist! I mean, I probably am. But right now I'm pretending I'm not!). People get so excited when a professional comments on the undeserved glowing review they may have given them. I'll tell you what I felt when I first realized comic book professionals knew about my blog: fucking terrified! I was all, "Wait. These are real people who actually search the Internet for comments about their work?! What are they? Masochists?!" And then my next thought was, "Oh shit. Most of them won't feel good about what I've written! Especially Cullen Bunn!" I didn't really mind if it hurt their feelings. I did mind that they might respond in a way that hurt my feelings! So, you know, maybe I should be nicer? And more earnest! Really get into a mindset where I feel the comic books are speaking to my sense of wonder and hope! Except, since those are dead, I realized fairly quickly that it just wouldn't be possible.

In other words, Robert Venditti's mother? If you're reading this? You probably shouldn't. I might not say any terrible things about your son! But it's also possible that I might say the most terrible things about him! Sorry!

Currently, John Stewart is ready to wage war on Sinestro's Warworld. Already, I can see the flaw in that plan! One side seems a whole lot more ready to fight a war than the other! You can probably figure it out if you think about it a little bit. Also, John Stewart isn't really known for winning wars. He's more known for committing genocide and failing himself over and over again.

Also waging war on Warworld? Hal Jordan and his army of light constructs! Now there's a guy who might possibly be stubborn enough to defeat Warworld single-handed.

Sinestro has to remove his dick from the Book of Parallax and turn his attention to Hal Jordan's attack. Lyssa is all, "The Book of Parallax told me I wouldn't be reaching climax tonight! Why did I even bother?! Oh, that's right. Because the Book of Parallax said I would! And then it said I would grumble about it! And then it said I would say how I said it said I would say it said I would grumble about it saying the thing it said I would say! Somebody kill me!" But Sinestro is all, "Darn it! It's my best friend and worst enemy! Hal Stupidface Jordan! That can mean only one thing: I'm about to be utterly humiliated! Again!"

If a woman ever said "What purpose would you have me serve, my lord?", I would say, "Hee hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" There's probably a reason I'm a virgin.

That last caption was fictional! It was just a joke! I've totally done it with at least two ladies! Possibly even three!

While Sinestro tries to shake the last of the semen out of his penis before putting on his uniform (otherwise he'll wind up with a sticky, slippery patch that smells like a blooming Callery Pear tree), Lyssa heads down to the Fear Engine to make sure it's pumping out enough fear to beat Hal Jordan. While down there, Guy Gardner gets a glimpse of her Parallaxes and hits on her. He uses words to hit on her but he's also hanging there naked, so I'm sure Lyssa would have noticed other clues as to Guy's interest in her.

I had to ask Lord Google for the name of the trees that smell like semen for that last paragraph. I first noticed the smell in my home town when I was in my late teens or early twenties. A neighbor had three of them growing on the patch of ground between the sidewalk and the street. I started referring to them as the semen trees. So when I asked Lord Google about the "trees that smell like semen," Lord Google responded with these great headlines from around the Internet: "Your Street Probably Smells Like Semen Right Now," "Meet the tree that's making your neighborhood smell like Semenville," "Spring is here! And so are the semen trees," and "the blooming of the jizz trees." I feel so much better knowing that everybody is walking around with the realization that trees are spooging all over their faces.

Here is a David Mitchell and Robert Webb skit about semen trees!

Guy Gardner is baptised in fear and shoved inside the Fear Machine. The reason is that Lyssa and the Administrator believe the fear of a Green Lantern will make it all the more powerful. But I have a feeling they're simply putting a wrench right up inside next to the most sensitive gears and whatnot. It might be different if they were powering an Asshole Machine or an Arrogance Machine or a Male Chauvinist Pig Machine. I don't see how Guy Gardner is going to help fuel a Fear Machine!

The Fear Engine powers up Sinestro to 1000%. That's a lot of percents! He then sends the rest of his army off to watch the battle between him and Hal Jordan. I don't get it! Sinestro always loses to Hal Jordan! Every single time! Doesn't he remember all of his humiliating defeats at Hal's hands? Why would he risk another one?! Just let your army defeat Hal as you take pot shots with your 1000% powered ring from the sidelines, Sinestro! Don't be a huge dum-dum! Bah. Oh well. Sinestro is sure to lose now. He might get close to defeating Hal but then Guy will probably rebel and screw up the Fear Machine and John Stewart will arrive with Mogo and the other Lanterns and the posse of intergalactic citizens. It's all going to fall apart! I mean, of course it is! You can't write a story that contradicts age old wisdom like "Pride Goeth Before Offal!"

The Rankings!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)

It's going to start getting hard to really rank the comic books as I read them. Is this comic book really better than Suicide Squad? It's a tough call although Suicide Squad is basically a twelve page comic book while this one is more or less twenty pages. So it's doing more work and maintaining a coherent story while doing so. It probably has too many characters but when has that ever not been true for a comic book with "Green Lantern Corps" in its title? But both comics are doing things I like and also doing some things that bore the shit out of me. By the time the rankings are fully filled out, I imagine this comic will be right smack dab in the middle, maybe a little bit on the better than most side.

Justice League #5

How is Batman helping? Get the fuck out of here.

The Commentary!
Oh! First page: "The Extinction Machine Finale"! I'm as excited as the first time my mom dropped me off at school in kindergarten and I thought I was free from her forever! That's actually a lie. I wasn't excited about school at all. In fact, I refused to participate for months. Mrs. McFarland would try to get me involved in the "curriculum" and I would throw a fit and refuse. So she finally just let me sit alone at a table with some crayons and shit until I felt comfortable enough with the daily routine to join in. I think it was playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" which finally sealed the deal and made me realize school wasn't entirely bad. Also my friend Judy who was probably the first friend I ever made.

Here's the report card assessment from Mrs. McFarland. It's interesting because forty years later, I still recognize the essential me in this report. Mrs. McFarland was an incredibly astute, compassionate woman.

11-9-76: “Jeff is a fine boy. He does have his ‘problems’ but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.” 1-28-77: “Jeff continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.” 4-14-77: “Jeff has days when his ‘mood’ affects the way he participates.” She gave me a minus (as opposed to a check which is good, I guess!) in the following categories: Interacts positively with others, Accepts guidance from others when necessary, Feels good about himself, Has self-discipline, Is emotionally able to cope with problems, Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems, and Uses time to good advantage.

I'm fairly certain the school year began just after Labor Day at the beginning of September. So it took until January of the next year for me to begin to participate. Mostly. I'm sure in this day and age, I would have been diagnosed and tested and medicated and labelled. But in the seventies? You know what the answer was? Patience and hard work. Treating each individual child like an individual and not like a disorder. Mrs. McFarland had to deal with every kid and their peculiarities with kindness and patience and, when needed, a stern and unyielding demeanor. I don't say this to take a shot at children with disorders that, knowing about them, will help the child have a better shot at surviving the system. I say this to point out that Mrs. McFarland was a fucking saint. How the fuck she dealt with five year old me (I was four during September! I guess my mom couldn't wait to get me out of the house!) and a dozen or more other fucked up kids, I'll never know! I would have been demanding something to sedate these little fuckers. Like maybe a really slow carbon monoxide leak? Not enough to put them out and kill them all but maybe just get them drowsy and lethargic for the entire day!

Although, teachers today are probably bigger saints. Now they have to treat each child with a list of particular demands from the parents that are simply asshole parent demands which interfere with the teacher's business. Probably. I have no evidence to support that assumption except for my observations of most parents being assholes. They're worse than dog owners who don't leash their dogs! Or vapers who think it's okay to vape wherever the fuck they want because laws haven't caught up with them yet! Hey, all of you assholes I just mentioned?! Have some fucking respect for other people and stop being such selfish pricks!

This issue begins with Aquaman declaring he's going to save the world. Ha ha! Good one! What he's actually doing is taking his bag of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figurines to show to the other Justice League members. I'm guessing they won't be impressed. Oh, sure. Wonder Woman will be polite about it. But her vagina will dry up so quickly that Aquaman himself might dehydrate and die.

Aquaman is actually seeding the Earth with his figurines. They say they're related to him. Oh yeah, he hears them speaking to him. So Aquaman is either saving the world or going insane. Insane for Precious Moments Figurines! Who hasn't been there, amirite?!

The Green Lanterns are an unknown amount of light years from Earth and yet they can still communicate instantly with Cyborg. That's impressive! Not wait! The word I wanted is impossible!

Who is editing Bryan Hitch's Justice League? Oh wait! I can check that for myself: Brian Cunningham. Oh boy. He's one of those editors who got super upset at fans when fans pointed out Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was the biggest shit ever shat by an Aquaman writer. At least now I know why he defended such a bad idea for an Aquaman story: he doesn't know anything about the DC Universe. Why else would he not tell somebody to fix the "Kent Farm, Metropolis" label on the previous scene? I'm not going to argue whether the farm is in Metropolis or some rural suburb of Metropolis or Smallville or wherever. What I will argue is calling it the Kent Farm. Clark and Lois haven't used the name Kent since they came to Earth-New-52! I wouldn't even feel the need to mention it if it had been called the "White" farm even though they now go by "Smith" because at least that would be closer to the truth! This is just shoddy work, Brian Cunningham. Don't you care about your job? I bet you never make a mistake when cashing your paycheck!

Meanwhile, Superman seems to be doing just fine inside the outer core of the Earth. Seems about right. No oxygen. High pressures. Intense heat. No yellow sunlight. Just another day being a poorly thought out character that can do virtually anything the writer needs him to do because his name is Superman! Although there had better be a story after this one showing how his powers aren't that great and he's actually not as overpowered as haters think he is!

Just in case the threat to the world was beginning to seem abstract and non-existent, here's a scene where the heroes acknowledge the world is getting fucked in the ass (nonconsensually!) while they're busy elsewhere. It's a good thing Aquaman is on the job! I wonder if I just opened a portal to a secret kingdom by typing a phrase that's never been typed before?

Across the world, newscasters are asking the question, "Where is the Justice League?" Oh, grow up, you fucking dicks. Fix your own goddamn problems! Save yourselves! Shit happens and people die. You can't expect a team of self-involved, narcissistic assholes with super powers to be there to save every single person in the world from every fucking disaster, can you?! Fucking comic book reporters and comic book journalists are the fucking worst. I mean, I guess they're better at their jobs than actual reporters and journalists. But that still doesn't make them anything more than assholes who think they're somehow more important than they really are. How shitty must a local news anchor feel after they report what's been trending on the Internet? I wonder how many of them are cutters?

The Justice League realize that they've been fighting against the forces that were trying to stop The Kindred. So now they've decided to stop fighting the things that have been destroying the world (you know, the Ben Wa balls and the Alien Bed Bugs) and fight against the giant meat puppets singing in Canada. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm a genius (I'll let other people point that out) but what have the Giant Singing People Puppets done that was so bad so far? The other things are destroying the Earth. The Singing Giants have only borrowed the Justice League's powers for a few moments here and there. Oh. That just answered my question. I almost forgot the whole narcissist part of the description of super heroes. They don't give a shit about stopping the threat to the Earth when there's a threat to their super powers!

Without having any knowledge of what the singing giants are up to, the Justice League decide to join forces with the Alien Bed Bugs to destroy The Kindred. So the Green Lanterns now decide to import more of the disastrous buggers to Earth in the hopes of stopping The Kindred from singing. Simply because the Justice League can't stand to not stop everything that seems alien to them. I hope Aquaman plants the figurines and saves the day by empowering The Kindred and embarrassing the rest of the Justice League.

Aquaman plants the final crystals and Superman manages to stop the Earthquake balls so the world isn't destroyed. Which is a good thing for everybody on Earth but also a good thing for The Kindred because now they get to finish their song without being interrupted by a destroyed Earth. Nobody still knows why they need to sing though. But if the Justice League thinks they're singing for a bad reason, I suppose I should think that as well! Go Justice League! Stop those singing fucks!

I've been telling Superman from the start that he should be pushing these things out of the Earth and not deeper inside!

Just before the Giant Singing People Puppets are stopped by Superman and his final Ben Wa Ball, they reveal that their song was going to begin the Forever Crisis. Fuck you and your Crises, DC! Besides, you already had an Infinite Crisis. How is a Forever Crisis really any different?! You fucking topped yourselves out with Infinite Crisis. You blew your load! You have no way to outdo yourselves now! I think it's time to go smaller. Your next crisis should be the Quantum Crisis.

So Superman zaps the Singing Giants with the final Ben Wa Ball and they fall apart and become just people named Tiny and Jason and Princess again. But apparently they achieved their song and Forever Crisis has been loosed. Maybe it was loosed throughout all time though and we've already witnessed how it affected the DC Universe in the past. This song, Forever Crisis, is exactly why DC has had so many crises and reboots and Armageddons. It's because these fuckers sang their fucking stupid song. Anyway, the Justice League congratulates themselves on stopping whatever the fuck they just stopped by basically just stopping everything that seemed out of the ordinary and getting lucky. Too bad they're the Justice League so the next threat has to be even more massive than this one!

The Ranking!
+0! Poor fucking Aquaman. This story humiliates him far more than any story I can remember since the four issue mini-series where he got a new costume and was psychoanalyzed by the antagonist. Bryan Hitch had to figure out a way to make Aquaman part of the world saving story arc and all he could come up with was Aquaman swimming around the Earth playing with dolls? Not that Batman did much better but at least he got to interact with the others and pretend like he was being insightful and helpful by telling everybody that they had to stop the bad thing quickly! Aquaman was basically given a distraction so that he didn't get in the way of the story. And then he gets a Narration Box at the end where he speaks directly to the reader: "Magic crystals and you scoffed." Yeah? I'm still scoffing! Because what the fuck did they do?! Sure, you say they saved the world from breaking apart but isn't that what Superman was doing? You say they stopped the Singing Giants' song but it actually wasn't stopped! You did nothing, you fish fucker. Bryan Hitch tried to make you seem important and he actually just shined a light on how useless you truly are. Eat a dork!

Justice League #4

Come on, Front Cover Blurb! There's no "Superman" in "Team"!

The Facts!
• The world is coming to an end and nobody actually cares. Mostly because they've all formed up into gigantic human meat puppets and gone on a trip to Canada. But even though it looks like humans have joined together and decided on taking some kind of action to defend the Earth, the Justice League has decided they don't like how regular folk are going about it and they're going to stop them. I suppose whenever somebody does something that you think is wrong, it's best to simply assume they've been mind-controlled. Usually Batman would advise the Justice League to stay out of international politics. But then Batman is better at judging situations than I am. He probably noticed how everybody was suddenly speaking with the same voice and a light bulb exploded over his head and he was all, "This seems fishy!" Then Aquaman was all, "What was that? You wanted me?" And Batman was all, "Wonder Woman, tell Aquaman I will never speak to him ever."

• If mind-control really existed, our courtrooms would be full of prosecutors throwing their hands up and screaming obscenities every time the defense made their opening statement which would, of course, begin, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I wonder if you're familiar with...mind-control!" Then when the prosecutor is being warned about outbursts in court, they can just say, "Sorry, judge. I was just mind-controlled." Later when everybody breaks for lunch, they can all head out to the taco truck, order some tacos, and then run away without paying while yelling, "Mind-control!"

• I wonder if parents would be proud when their child first used mind-control to excuse their shitty behavior? Or would they just yell, "I'll show you mind-control!" Then they'd start undoing their belt with the belt buckle that says "mind-control" on it. Then when they're arrested for child abuse, they could just say, "Mind-control!" And since the police knew the case would be thrown out like all cases involving mind-control, they'd beat the shit out of the parent and tell their superiors they were suffering from a temporary case of mind-control.

• You would think my ruminations on a world with mind-control would end in some jokey manner where the last example I give doesn't end in mind-control but that would be a disservice to my serious thoughts about a world full of mind-control. I don't want to turn it into a huge joke. Mind-control is serious business.

• I don't remember why I brought up mind-control and I'm too busy to reread what I just wrote. So instead, I'll start discussing Justice League #4! According to the cover, this is the issue where Superman makes everybody question the need for a Justice League if he's going to be the one saving the world all by himself on a regular basis.

• I almost ended that last bullet point with "on the regular" but then I remembered I'm old. And it's a risky affair to use slang as an old person because the slang we know probably has already changed by the time we know it and then young people scoff at our attempts to use it. Which is totally ageist but ageist in the direction that isn't gross and problematic, apparently.

• I eschew most slang and trendy phrases anyway because I tend to just come up with my own ways to describe things, being that I'm an individual and not a needy piece of shit desperate to prove that I'm in the know!

Yeah, Jess! So just let them all through the wormholes and take a fucking break. Flash has this!

• Simon actually continues his thought which is just restating what Jess just said. Stop the freaky things from getting to Earth so that The Flash doesn't have to do it all himself. I suppose Jess is specifically talking about the Space Bed Bugs and Simon is talking about the Space Mattresses. But it takes a lot longer than the two seconds anybody is going to spend reading this page to figure that out.

• Comic books are easy to write because even if you feel you're being unclear as a writer, you know that the readers are just going to breeze past anything that doesn't quite make sense, especially when it happens on the first page and they can't quite remember what was happening in the story since they read the last issue a month ago. Or two weeks ago, I suppose.

• The Green Lanterns have apparently stumbled upon the Alien Bed Bug Mattress Factory. So their job is to stop it at the source. Meanwhile, The Flash is killing the Alien Bed Bugs that made it to Earth. Cyborg is burning clothing on the Watchtower. Wonder Woman is arguing with the Kindred. Superman is readjusting Earth's Ben Wa balls. Aquaman is showing off his collection of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figures. And Batman is mumbling under his breath about how they're all doing a terrible job.

• The Alien Bed Bugs not only have the capability of rewriting a person's DNA but they can also hack computer systems. So Cyborg is, in the Victorian parlance, "buggered like an unchaperoned orphan."

• No wait! Cyborg is more the buggerer! His Firewall is apparently so big that the Alien Bed Bugs couldn't put it out. Or climb it. Or climb down it and back up the other side? No wait! That's more of a firebreak! Anyway, Cyborg uses the Alien Bed Bug's language against them and knocks them offline. So I guess they're Alien Robot Bed Bugs. As if the threat couldn't get any more confusing!

I prefer the Victorian phrase. It just has more character.

• The Kindred begin singing their song to the universe to save the world. I'm still betting that they're some sort of world defense set up by Lord Arion millennia ago. Now that was a hero Atlantis could be proud to call their own!

• Aquaman hears and understands The Kindred's song. Probably because it's in Altantean! Their song reveals that the world will end if they don't get their hands on a complete set of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac Figurines! Especially the Leo with the really big, sad eyes! So Aquaman rushes off with his toys to save the world.

• That's a laugh, isn't it? Aquaman saving the world? The only way that could reasonably happen is if a writer sat down with an editor and they brainstormed a story in which Aquaman would be allowed to be the big hero. It was probably a terribly difficult day in the office but occasionally you have to put in the long hours. Figuring out a story about Aquaman saving the world though? That was probably a long weekend. With a lot of alcohol and cocaine.

• The alcohol was to help loosen them up and think outside the "Aquaman is useless" box. The cocaine was to keep them from falling asleep thinking about Aquaman for hours on end.

A worldwide earthquake that was off the Richter Scale? I guess that's the end of everything! The Justice League didn't save the world! The end!

• Instead of assuming that every single building in the world just collapsed onto every single person in the world, I choose to believe that Cyborg's Richter Scale software was fucked up in the Space Robot Bed Bug attack. The quake was probably just a 2.4.

• Cyborg gets a nice information dump from the Alien Robot Bed Bugs which isn't as Two Girls, One Cup as it sounds.

• Should I italicize Two Girls, One Cup? Or would it be considered more of an "in quotations" kind of story?

• Oh, um, Cyborg's explication! It turns out the Alien Robot Bed Bugs were built to purge the universe of humanoids. But instead of killing them, The Purge just turns them into something else. Like Humanoid Centipedes, maybe? That part is unclear! The part that is clear is that Earth's Ben Wa balls are a fail-safe to prevent The Purge from turning everybody into Humanoid Centipedes. Whoever placed them in the Earth would prefer everybody die before they're claimed by The Purge. That's weird. So way before Earth had humanoids on it, somebody installed a method of destroying the Earth just in case it developed humanoid beings and was subsequently targeted by The Purge. That seems like an awful lot of work and planning for something that might never happen. I suppose whoever placed the Ben Wa balls in Earth were working from a prophecy, or information from a time traveler.

• Meanwhile inside the Earth, Superman impotently beats against one of the three gigantic earthquake machines (you know! The Ben Wa balls! I decided maybe I should describe them more accurately. Although, to be fair to Ben Wa balls, they do make things quake). Superman can barely stand the heat and the pressure inside the Earth and his punches do nothing to the single ball he's attacking. Even if he finds a way to stop this ball (probably with his freeze breath or his disintegration semen), how is he supposed to travel around the world to the next Earthquake Machine? He doesn't have a portable Boom Tube and Cyborg already said he can't help Superman out once he Boom Tubed into the core.

• Why am I speculating on how Superman can't win? That's a hurdle Bryan Hitch needs to jump! I can just sit back in the stands watching him hurdle and waiting for the hot dog guy to come by while holding my piss because I'm not pissing in the fucking trough shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other drunk assholes splashing their piss everywhere!

• Batman has nothing to add to the world saving.

• Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is busy interviewing The Kindred. She finally stopped smashing lightning bolts into their face long enough to have a conversation with them. It's not much of a conversation.

Wonder Woman: "Who are you?"
The Kindred: "Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm Diana!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm an Amazon!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I don't know! I seek truth! Am I truth? I'm truth!"
The Kindred: "Seems reasonable."

I'd push it the other way. It would be like popping a huge zit! Plus once Superman breaks through the mantle, he can get Cyborg to Boom Tube him to the next Earthquake Machine!

• Superman shoves the ball deep enough so that it's crushed. Now he has to figure out how to get to the next one. This issue is almost over so Superman's problem probably won't be solved until next issue. That would have given Bryan Hitch some time to think about how to solve the issue. I hope it has to do with Aquaman's adorable new collecting hobby.

• The Flash has once again had his speed stolen by The Kindred and now the last of the Alien Robot Bed Bugs are devouring him. Sorry, transforming him! Not into a Humanoid Centipede like I was thinking! No, Simon and Jess discover exactly what it is The Purge is turning humanoids into: copies of Cyborg. So what is this? A new origin story for Cyborg? The unknown Red Room technological contraption Silas Stone used to save his son must have been something from The Purge, right? And then it was hooked up to a Mother Box so Cyborg could have some individuality and distance from The Purge (also, since The Purge wasn't a thing when Cyborg was created or when he was retooled multiple times or when he was rebooted or, even, when he was rebirthed, it's no wonder it's never been mentioned before!).

The Opinions!
To sum up: The Purge has been turning humanoids all across the universe into Cyborg replicas for eons. Something has installed World Breaker technology into planets to destroy the planets before The Purge can Cyborg everybody. But The Purge still always manages to Cyborg everyone even while the worlds shake apart and are destroyed. During the World Breaking and Purging Events, The Kindred try to sing a song. They've never been able to complete their song in time and so who the fuck knows what it does. This time though, thanks to the Justice League delaying The Purge, The Kindred are going to finish their song. As long as Wonder Woman fails to stop them, of course. So I think that all makes sense? Sort of? It's a bunch of shit happening that was set in motion so long ago that nobody knows why it was set in motion. It's just too bad for Earthlings that Earth was targeted long before Earthlings even inhabited it. You'd have thought that maybe whoever created the World Breaker Balls would have come for them to place them in another world when dinosaurs were ruling for millions of years. They would have been all, "Well, I guess that planet isn't going to have sentient humanoids. It'll be sentient gigantic lizards for sure. Let's grab the World Breaker Balls and stick them in another potential planet!" Maybe the World Breaker Balls' creators are long dead. Or on strike! Or maybe just on break. Who knows how long it takes an ancient probably omnipotent being to smoke a cigarette?

The Ranking!
+0.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #3

Kilowog seems disturbed by Hal's ass.

The Sinestro Corps has cracked down on the universe and established order. Look, it's a comic book. Sometimes you're just going to have to buy into whatever the story tells you so that you don't begin thinking about how vast the universe is and how it can be "ordered" by any sentient mind. What does that even mean?! I suppose it means what it usually means when a tyrannical despot takes control. Order is whatever the despot wants it to be. Look at North Korea! Apparently if you don't sit up straight, you get the firing squad! Don't think I actually believe that. How naive do you think I am? Obviously the Kim Jong who was shot said something horrible in the restroom about the Kim Jong who could order him shot. And the Kim Jong who wound up in a repatriation summer camp was probably listening to the executed Kim Jong's vile slander! But the despotic Kim Jong probably didn't want people to know he had cameras hidden in the bathroom (and by hidden, I mean in plain view but everybody is ordered to pretend they don't see them and act as if they're not there) so he came up with the whole "not sitting up straight" gag as a reason for the execution. One thing this Kim Jong-everybody issue has made me realize is that people who would apply to be henchmen for The Joker actually exist. I always figured when The Joker killed a few too many henchmen, the other henchmen would be all "This is nuts!" and get the hell out of there. Or turn on The Joker, at least. But apparently in real life, the Kim Jong Henchmen just see an open seat higher up in the hierarchy and gladly fill it. And by "gladly," I mean they have no choice. Hmm, maybe that's why they continue to remain Kim Jong's Henchmen. Besides, Kim Jong-un has probably set up some glorious scenic apartments for the families of his closest Kim Jongs. The apartments probably have every amenity like hot water and electricity and an outhouse fairly close to the building and nozzles for the death gas which can be pumped into the entire apartment as soon as a Kim Jong betrays Kim Jong-un. They sound cozy!

Anyway, Hal Jordan needs to defeat Sinestro to save the universe. Again. But first he needs to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. That's probably going to take about three more issues after this because it's a good way for the first trade to end.

Sinestro has apparently become the kind of satanist every mother of the late 70's and early 80's feared their Dungeons and Dragons playing, Black Sabbath listening children were becoming.

This Administer Lash guy is definitely some kind of Space Satanist. And I don't mean the Anton Lavey kind of Satanist! I mean the kind I mentioned in that caption above! The Rosemary's Baby kind of Satanist that doesn't really exist except maybe in small groups of three or four delusional individuals who really never do anything but pretend they would do horrible things. Occasionally that kind of Satanist comes into contact with a truly horrible person and you get Richard Ramirez. But he wasn't a Satanist. He was just a psychotic monster who used people's fear of Satanism to fuel his murder boner.

Administer Lash asks Sinestro if he's a believer and Sinestro, being a matter of fact kind of guy, basically says, "No but it's a cool tool, bro. Let's dish."

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan, all by himself, is out dismantling the Sinestro Corps twelve by twelve, or so. At least until the Yellow Lanterns in other parts of the universe begin instilling great fear in every sector. At that point, the Yellow Lantern rings begin to get more powerful. I think it's a trick! If the Green Lantern rings rely on the willpower of the user, it doesn't really matter how powerful the ring is, right? It's all about the person wearing it. So the Yellow Lantern rings probably get more powerful based on the fear of the opponent and not just the overall fear extant in the universe (although I must be wrong because that's what is happening. But I'm still explaining my trick, you stupid parenthetical reference!). How can a Yellow Lantern evoke even more fear in their opponent? By having the ring say, "Power Level Increasing!" The the opponent is all, "Oh shit!" That's a fear-based statement! So the ring's power actually does increase simply by allowing the opponent to hear that it's increasing! What a cool trick! My explanation is better but apparently the real explanation is that thing I said in the parenthetical aside.

All of the aliens across the universe being attacked by Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns are all whining about how they trusted Sinestro to keep order and be the law. Fuck them! They deserve what they get! Which is kind of scary because it's exactly what most Americans are doing now. I forgot for a moment, due to all the sci-fi trappings, that this was an allegory! Americans vote out of fear and get what they deserve. Well, that's what has happened to the universe now. For some reason, they thought a peace keeping group based on using fear was a great idea to keep everybody safe. And now they're learning it was all a scam! Sinestro used their fears to gain power! Could this allegory of American politics be any more apt?

Hal Jordan learns that one lone Green Lantern can't beat Sinestro's entire army. He's beaten and captured and ready to be thrown into the Fear Machine. That means the Green Lantern Corps have three issues to save him!

Justice League #3

Aquaman's trident is looking a bit impotent.

The Commentary!
This issue begins by teaching me that Australia is the south of the world, Japan is the east of the world, and Russia is the north of the world. But what's the west of the world? I bet it's Cuba, right?

All over the world, humans are climbing on top of each other to become giant Voltron-versions of human beings. It's not just stupid when I type it or when I read what I've typed or when you read what I've typed or when I say it out loud to myself over and over again. It's also really stupid when it's read straight from the pages of Justice League. I suppose when hundreds of people stand on each other's shoulders, they become stronger than normal and can resist Wonder Woman's Bolt of Zeus better than when if she threw it directly at a lone human who would probably just explode. I wouldn't take that chance but Wonder Woman is more proactive than I am and apparently also doesn't mind explaining to the other Justice League members why she killed a bunch of innocent people.

"I want you to answer some questions while I smash you in the face with this weapon of the gods!"

I cropped the panel above so that if Greg Rucka happened to see it, he wouldn't be offended because Tony S. Daniel decided to draw Wonder Woman's ass with barely any underwear. I'm pretty sure the underwear was only added by the colorist and even then, it's barely there. It's like her ass is devouring her undergarments.

Since The Kindred does not immediately answer Wonder Woman's question in the half second before her Rod of Lightning smashes it in the face, her Rod of Lightning smashes it in the face. That's the kind of writing a real Writer writes right there!

Wonder Woman decides the way to beat Kindred is to dismantle his people sculpture. But the people sculpture decides she should be part of it.

When I first turned the page and glanced at this panel, I thought it was a hand holding a penis.

Gigantic Kindred people are popping up all over the world. It's still a mystery why because Wonder Woman is terrible at interrogations.

Flash is busy running around Earth squishing Space Bed Bugs while Batman is busy trying to tell Superman that the Justice League is terrible without him. Cyborg is cleaning up the Watchtower and the Green Lanterns have gone through a wormhole to find the source of the Alien Bed Bugs. It's not a seedy motel in New York like you probably guessed. It's a mostly destroyed planet that should probably burn its wardrobe.

The scene where Batman gathers up Superman to join the Justice League is sexist garbage. Hitch apparently thinks Lois Lane can't stomach having Superman rush off to save the world without thinking he's going to die and she gives him a hard time about choosing to help Earth. It's like Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about their relationship and simply believes women are there to stand in the way of men with their tears and guilt trips! I don't think he's had enough therapy discussing my mother. I mean his mother! Superman, being a man trying to calm down a woman, simply says, "Lois...", as if she's being irrational (as opposed to simply just being out of character) and it's the only argument he needs. "Lois" as in "Lois, you're being hysterical" or "Lois, stop being so emotional" or "Lois, you fucking idiot, the world is ending!" But that isn't the main reason I think this scene is sexist! It's just a freeway with a sign reading, "Sexism: Next exit". Because in the next panel, Bryan Hitch tries to do the thing where Lois is all, "You wouldn't be Superman if you didn't do this!" But she says, "I know. You have to. I know the man I married. The man I love You wouldn't be him if you didn't do this." See, it's the "you have to" thing that's getting me with the emphasis on the "have". It's like Lois is saying he shouldn't. It's like Lois is saying, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just leave me and Jon and go do your stupid thing fighting bugs where we all know you're going to die." It's like Lois is accusing Superman of abandoning her. As opposed to what Lois would really be doing: giving him his jacket and maybe packing a bag of snacks with an extra serving of Goldfish and hurrying him out the door and telling him to go kick ass and save the world. If anybody would be dragging their feet in this scene, it would probably be Superman!

You know, I'm surprised Tony S. Daniel didn't put the cherry on the sexism cupcake (damn, that sounds delicious) and draw Lois in a towel for this scene.

While Lois cries and manipulates Clark into thinking maybe he shouldn't be rushing off to save the entire world, the entire world continues to need saving! There's another bit of writing a real Writer writes right there!

Oh! So this is why Lois is probably worried! Superman is rushing off to work with incompetents. "I can BOOM Tube you in but I can't BOOM tube you out!" What a lying dick.

Superman enters the core of the Earth without any kind of plan except "I'm Superman!" and immediately regrets the decision. So I guess he's going to die trying to remove Earth's Ben Wa balls which--come to think of it--might have been put there to keep the Earth structurally sound! Maybe the Justice League is simply interfering with a plan set in place thousands of years ago to keep the Earth safe and manageable. Maybe it's the Ben Wa balls that kept Earth from falling apart after those earthquakes! It's like the Justice League is trying to evacuate a burning building and the first thing they do after rushing in is begin knocking down support beams!

Oh, it turns out Atlantis is the West of the world. I guess that makes sense since it was probably Lord Arion who set this plan in motion and why would he make America the West of the world when it hadn't been discovered yet? I mean discovered by people who shove their history down everybody else's throats. In the end, those are the only people who matter!

Aquaman, realizing that the gigantic Kindred thing is composed of his people, decides not to try to destroy it and instead talks to it. He shows it his Precious Moments Zodiac Crystals which have begun to sing and The Kindred is all, "Ooh! Let me see!" And Aquaman is all, "You don't see with your hands!" The Kindred is all, "Whatever. My other people sculptures are calling so I should go do the thing we're supposed to do where we gather at Ayer's Rock (probably!) and sing the bad things away. Toodaloo!"

Oh, they decide to meet in Canada. That's the Australia of the North, so I was close enough!

The Kindred begin singing. One of them is all, "I'm a Green Lantern!" And one of them is all, "I'm The Flash!" And one of them is all, "I'm a Darkstar! No wait! They sucked! I'm, uh, Superman!" And then the last one is all, "Dammit! I'm Aquaman again?! Fuck!"

The Review!
Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer. Was he once not a terrible writer? Why is DC treating him like his dick can't be sucked enough? Why does he get to writer Justice League stories when he writes terrible Justice League stories? Although to be fair to Bryan Hitch, I've never read the end to one of his stories, so maybe he always knocks them out of the park and I'm just jumping the criticism gun! Although to be fair to me, the reason I haven't read the end to any of his stories is that he never finished Justice League of America! I think the next issue of that might be coming out next week unless that's just another fantasy DC Comics is engaged in to keep people thinking that they'll get an end to that story. I really hope the ending is terrible so I don't have to retract my statement about Bryan Hitch being a terrible writer. I might even go so far as to say he's worse than Cullen Bunn! No, I won't say that. Cullen Bunn is a bad writer and a whiny baby man! I hope Tony S. Daniel can salvage this story by drawing a bunch of females in towels next issue.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #2

I'd be pissed too if I'd been yanked out of my regular life to be written by Cullen Bunn.

The Review!
I'm not sure how I feel about this comic book. It's not bad and it very well may be good, actually. But I have no emotional investment in it. I also don't have any intellectual investment in it. I do happen to have a $2.99 investment in it which I think was probably a poor investment. One thing I find disappointing is that DC Comics keeps covering the same ground over and over again. Perhaps that's what their company-wide overhauls are all about. The New 52 alienated current fans so that DC could repeat the same old stories for five years without too many people noticing. And now with Rebirth, they get to repeat all of their stories again while painting them as something entirely new. But you can't fool me! I mean, you usually can fool me but sometimes, you totally can't! And this is one of those times! What makes DC think readers want to read yet another story about the Green Lantern Corps battling the Sinestro Corps? We've seen it! We've read it! Well, I mean, some people have read it! But I didn't read it the other times and I don't want to read it now! I'm already rereading the Death of Superman in Action Comics! And I think Tom King is sort of writing the Azrael story again in Batman except different somehow! And Wonder Woman! Christ! Wonder Woman is just reminding everybody that she has had a lot of stories and she's going to remember them all and figure out which ones are true! But while doing that, do I have to sit back and just reread all of her old stories?! Ugh! At least New Super-man is new! Chinese knock-offs are always quirky and entertaining!

The Commentary!
The Green Lantern Corps have returned to the regularly scheduled DC Universe. But in the process, they've lost 6801 members. What a disaster! I'm not sure, plot-wise, that needed to happen. What's the difference if I can't name 7185 Green Lanterns or 384 Green Lanterns?! It's still a non-zero number of Green Lanterns who will probably never appear on the page and who will never be introduced to the readers. It really doesn't make any difference at all!

Oh wait! I know what the difference probably is! It means their fight against the Sinestro Corps will be more difficult because the sizes of the armies are about equal now. Probably. How the hell should I know how many Yellow Lanterns there are?! I can barely remember the ones who have been named! Like Arkillo! And the gay samurai! And the one with three faces!

John Stewart doesn't want to risk any of the surviving Green Lanterns so he grounds them all on Mogo out in Space Sector Fuck If I Know. But since he doesn't give a shit about Guy--ormaybe he just trusts Guy more than the others?--John asks Guy to head out into the universe and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan is embarrassing some Yellow Lanterns with his fists. Which, to be perfectly blunt, is total overkill because he already embarrassed them by causing them to shit their pants when they realized the great Hal Jordan was still alive. Fear Lanterns, my chocolate starfish! More like, um, Fearful Lanterns! Ha!

Can somebody knock Lyssa in the head so she forgets all about the Book of Parallax? I'm sick of prophecies steering the ship!

Sinestro, completely jacked up on Parallax Viagra, is ready to fuck the universe, completely and unforgivably! Other than that, I don't understand what his plans are to keep the universe ordered. As long as nobody says he's not the guy keeping order, are things okay? Can people do whatever they want as long as it isn't done in a chaotic manner? Like, they can shuffle some cards even though that's random and chaotic but at least it's an orderly way of creating chaos. But if they were to fling the cards all over the room, would that be frowned upon? Or would Sinestro not care as long as they shouted, "Srrsstrrr rrs rrrsssm!¹" I might get some of my questions answered in the next scene since Sinestro is going to have to calm Soranik down and get her back on his side.

Soranik isn't too concerned about the hows and whys of controlling the universe. She just wants to know why Sinestro allowed her to think he was impotent when he knew he could pop a Parallax and be strong and vigorous again. I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we? If you've been paying attention at all, you know Sinestro manipulated Soranik to help get what he wanted by playing on her Daddy Issues.

Whoa. According to this sound effect, quite severe Daddy Issues.

Sinestro doesn't have much time to gloat over how he completely betrayed his daughter's trust because he is interrupted by a message from one of his Corps Members that Hal Jordan is still alive. I'm taken completely by surprise that he doesn't call Hal his "greatest friend and worst enemy!" He does seem a bit scared that Hal Jordan suddenly appeared as a Green Lantern. It must suck to have goals and dreams but to constantly have them crushed by the same person over and over and over again. Sinestro is like that creature, Agrajag, Arthur Dent kept killing in every one of the creature's lives². Although maybe it's actually a blessing? What I wouldn't give to be able to point to some specific thing or person besides myself that has kept me from succeeding at anything. Sinestro is so lucky to have Hal.

The issue ends with Hal running into more Yellow Lanterns as they kidnap people from one of the planets they're supposed to be protecting. I guess it's how they feed the Fear Machine, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a euphemism for Sinesro's power³.
_____________________________________________
¹That's "Sinestro is awesome" with a Parallax in your mouth.
²At least up until their encounter at Stavro Mueller's Beta.
³"Sinestro's power" is a euphemism for Parallax⁴.
⁴"Parallax" is a euphemism for Sinestro's penis.