Superman #22

Jon needs to learn to eat his Popsicles faster.

Some weird shit is going down in Hamilton County and I just figured out what it is! Rorschach's disintegrated atoms probably came to rest in the soil! So now it's all, "I'm not trapped out on the farm with you. You're trapped out on the farm with this cow's disgusting milk and a weird house in the swamp. Oh, and me!"

This issue begins with Lois Lane reminding me of a traumatic moment in my life.

I get it, Pat and Pete. You guys are sadistic assholes who don't want anybody to forget the murder of Goldie. Unless you're going to bring Goldie back from the dead, can you just stop reminding me of the death of my best friend? I mean the death of Goldie!

Since Batman is locked in a freezer covered in rotting cow's milk, Lois Lane is the only capable investigator left in Hamilton County. She heads out to solve the Mystery of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On. If anybody can solve it and possibly fall out of a helicopter while doing so and have to be rescued by Superman, it's Lois Lane!

During her investigation, Lois stumbles upon a bank of monitors set up in the basement of the Hamilton Town Hall. On every monitor are images of Jon at different points across his life. Even at times before they were living in Hamilton County! Is this is a new mystery or can I just stick it under the general heading of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On Mystery? See, it was pretty smart to name it so loosely, right?! You were probably thinking, "That title would never sell a single Goddamned Nancy Drew novel, you stupid cunt." Whoa, whoa! Why so hostile, imaginary reader? Sheesh! Bring it down a notch.

That King Arthur movie still looks fucking stupid.

Is this a modern retelling where King Arthur's a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood in Portland and pulls Excalibur out of a Marantz 6370Q turntable? It would explain the "from nothing comes a king" tagline.

Lois is discovered discovering the town's secret of knowing her family's secret. She rushes home to find the leaders of the town in her living room acting ominously. That was the opposite of hyperbole! I don't know the word for that because I rarely ever find it useful!

Lois escapes the weird town elders by slipping on her Batman Doomsday Glove and blasting the fuck out of them. Then the Batmobile pulls up to rescue her and she gets away. The Batmobile suggests killing the fuck out of the people chasing her and Lois is all, "Hells yeah, bitches!" So then missiles blast a bunch of town folk and the Lois Lane runs one of them over and somewhere Superman and Batman weep heroically. I'm guessing Lois Lane realized these town elders weren't really human, what with the being able to survive giant squid attacks and being able to be seemingly everywhere at once. Otherwise, Lois Lane had better find a good lawyer who knows their way around a murder in self-defense trial.

Lois Lane is finally stopped by Mr. Cobb the Dairy Farmer. That confrontation will have to happen in a later issue because it's time for the big surprise reveal of what Superman found in the House of Mystery in Deadman's Swamp! He stumbles upon a huge ship underground. Deep within it, he finds Batman, Robin, some criminal clowns, Frankenstein, and Lady Frankenstein all stuck in a bunch of vacuum tubes. Unless they're Bacta Tanks. I guess they didn't get every piece of Candice the Alien when they blew her up a number of issues ago. I'm pretty sure that was made explicit during that issue but hell if I can remember that far back! It's not like I remember she was called Kroog and she was capable of reforming from even a single misplaced bit of herself. Based on the black goo everywhere, it's possible a whole bunch of Kroog (or Kroog as a whole bunch of parts of itself?) have created a Kroog haven here on Earth. It's also possible it's different aliens altogether.

The Ranking!
You know what? Fuck ranking comic books. If you can't tell I liked a comic book, what does it matter? That's never been the point of this blog and I only stapled it into place on the finished product because people seem to expect that kind of thing. Maybe live with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whether or not I actually liked a comic book I read and made fun of! Maybe don't rely so much on other people's stupid opinions (even if those stupid opinions are coming from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader). Maybe just enjoy this diatribes for what they are: a huge waste of everybody's time!

Action Comics #976

I accept neither of these as the real Superman. Where the fuck is the spit curl?

If this cover says what I think it's saying, it's kind of a spoiler for the end of the story, right? Preboot Superman is Superman Blue, the Superman who thinks his way out of situations. New 52 Superman is Superman Red, the Superman who prefers punching first and then punching later too. And if they are Superman Red and Superman Blue then they're just two halves of the same Superman. That means the ending of this story will be the merging of the two Supermen which will result in Superman being the better Superman who can also claim to be Batman's friend. And while you are all standing and applauding the use of Red and Blue Superman in a novel way to explain some pretty fucked up Superman history, please try to ignore the Blue and Red Lois behind the curtain. It probably makes sense somehow. I bet after Superman split himself in two with his kryptonite-powered Dopplegänger creator invention (which he totally didn't invent because he wanted to fuck himself), Lois wandered in to totally not dust it because that would be sexist and thought, "Hmm. I wonder what it would be like to fuck myself?"

So that's probably the end of the story! I guess there's some details I'm missing and, hopefully, some flashbacks to Lois fucking herself (and Superman too! It's not that I don't want to see that as well. I just want to see Lois on Lois action a little bit more).

The story continues with New 52 Superman and Lois being freed from Hell by Jon. He doesn't realize they're not his parents though because he's yet to see Superman punch a helpless normie criminal in the face while Lois writers a terrible article on how heroic Superman is rather than how violent and debauched. Preboot Superman and Lois fell off the side of the building and are presumably dead. Unless what's really happened is that Superman and Lois have just finally forgotten everything the way Mr. Mxyzptlk wanted them to forget because they already merged with Red Superman and Red Lois aka the New 52 idiots.

Look at this bully! He even pushes himself around.

As Superman and Mxy argue, Jon notices a couple of blue spheres floating around now. It looks like the red versions of Superman and Lois just kicked the blue versions out of their homes. So now they just need to merge and they'll have beaten Mr. Mxyzptlk. Plus Dan Jurgens doesn't need to think of a way to trick Mxy into saying his name backwards because Mxy has a signed contract that says he'll agree to go home if Superman makes it to the end of the board game. And anyway, Mxy wants to go home before Dr. Oz takes notice of him.

I probably could have left this review with my interpretation of the cover because the details really don't matter! Mxy bails because he's afraid of Dr. Oz while Superman and Lois embrace their blue (Preboot) and red (New 52) halves to fix DC continuity. I probably should have put fix in quotes because every time DC tries to fix something wrong with their continuity, they just make it worse. It would be so much easier to just embrace my fix: denial! Just fucking pretend everything works and stop worrying about the discussions on rabid fangender forums about the minutest continuity problems!

It looks like DC might just be taking my approach but with this story as a kind of Pilate washing his hands of it all moment. Here's what Dr. Oz says: "This changes everything. A new, existence-wide, single reality, rebuilt from two. A timeline and history both familiar and new with lives realigned. Consistent with the memories and experiences of all. Everything solidified. Locked in so it all fits." There you have it! Exactly what I was hoping Rebirth would be (although it took long enough for DC to get around to it. And, in fact, I don't think DC intended this fix, exactly, from the beginning. They probably read my blog and were all, "That Tess is right! Let's just create a universe where it all works simply because we say it does! But we need a story to get us there! Oh! I know! How about instead of just a Red and Blue Superman, we have a Red and Blue DC Continuity! Merge them and then all stories are true!" Then Greg Rucka was all, "But what about what I'm doing in Wonder Woman! You're going to ruin my story with your shortcut!" And DC was all, "Oh, go to hell, you pretentious twat."

Dr. Oz marvels at Superman's ability to rewrite reality without the go ahead of his editors. Then Dr. Oz thinks, "Speaking of editors, I wonder what Big Blue will think about this! And I don't mean Superman!" Then there's a shot of Mars. Stunner!

The Ranking!
+1! I have to give this a plus one, at least, because it's done the only thing I really wanted out of Rebirth. It's simply allowed for all stories (Pre-Crisis, Post-Crisis, Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis, New 52, Rebirth) to be as true as the reader wants them to be. Don't like a story? Forget about it! It doesn't need to exist! Love a story that was wiped from existence by some reboot or another? It's part of continuity if you want it to be! All you have to do is ignore the ravenous fangenders who will obstinately bring up moments that contradict the moment you love! This issue is a loudly shouted "FUCK OFF!" to those dicks!

Action Comics #975

"Bizarro am looking at Superman's ass!"

You might be thinking, "Shouldn't it be 'Bizarro am not looking at Superman's ass'?" No! Because he's embarrassed that he was caught looking at it and he's denying that he was looking at it. Which sucks for Bizarro because most people who aren't bothered with trying to understand the whole "Bizarro speak terribly" thing (I don't know if I meant that in Bizarro or not. Bizarro speak really am good. Bad. Whatever) will just nod their heads in agreement and think, "Yeah you are!"

The good thing about being a full week behind on my comics (in a manner of speaking. I currently have 28 comics in the stack. At 14 per week and this being so close to a new week when I should have about 14 in the stack anyway, I'm one week behind. Maths! But then some of those comics are a month behind because of the odd way I've been reading them. Like how I have two Mother Panic issues to read) is that I get to read the last three Superman Reborn comics at once! Probably not at one sitting though. I'm already jonesing to play Friday Overwatch.

At the end of the last issue, DC included a page with a title something like "Who is behind Mystery Clark Kent?! It's not as surprising as you might think so here are five super villains that DC has been using way too much lately. Try to guess which one is behind the mystery!" Then, like this cover, it had a bunch of characters to choose from. I forget exactly which ones but I'm sure it was Doomsday and Cyborg Superman and Mongul and Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk. I'm sure Mxy was included because there's a bad thing about being a full week behind on reading comics too: I already saw Mxy on the cover of Superman #19. I'm glad he's the villain because he hasn't been as overused as the other ones. Plus it's easy to explain any inconsistencies in the plots since Rebirth if the person behind the story is Mxy and not just Dan Jurgens.

At the end of the last issue, Jon Smith was wiped out of existence. There's been a lot of that going on. He was wiped in Justice League too! To increase tension, DC Comics probably should have waited to release Supersons until after this story concluded. Now I know he's going to be fine or else the next issue of Supersons will be Superson. And that will be a little too confusing if it's a comic book about Damian Wayne and called Superson. People will begin thinking somebody was cuckolded.

Clark and Lois (the Smiths! Not the Kents!) head to Clark Kent's apartment in Metropolis to search for Jon.

No! No! Not the fridge! This is going to be grotesque!

Jon isn't chopped up inside the fridge even if that would have been the best Rebirth moment yet. Instead, it's full of junk food. If it wasn't for the cover with Mr. Mxyzptlk on it, I'd be guessing Bizarro was the culprit. But I'm also a card carrying member of the Trixie Belden School of Detectivanting (that's doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe) so I saw some huge clues earlier that Clark Kent couldn't be Bizarro. Like how he could conjugate "to be". Not that most Americans could conjugate "to be" if you asked them. "To be. To have been. To be better. To behave?"

Clark appears out of nowhere (he must have been in nowhere since Superman didn't hear his heartbeat nearby). Superman immediately resorts to violence while accusing Clark of taking their son. That's understandable, I guess. I don't know if I'd be angry if somebody took my son but if they took my cat, I'd throw punches first, ask questions later (after regaining consciousness from being beaten up because I suck at fighting). Clark responds with, "Oh, the son you never told me about?!" Why the fuck would Superman need to tell Clark Kent about his son?! This guy has an ego problem. Hmm. Being that Clark is really Mxy, that previous statement is pretty fucking obvious.

Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals his plan to Superman. He was just trying to help Superman regain his secret identity by pretending to be Clark Kent. And he wasn't just pretending! He cast a spell so strong that he truly believed he was. Well, he calls it a spell. But really, he's just manipulating three dimensional reality the way I...well, never mind what I was going to compare that to. It's personal.

Mxy reveals his plan but not his identity. He wants Superman to guess! Well, that should take the rest of the comic book seeing as how answering questions isn't as easy as punching faces.

Wait. So he is Bizarro? I'm confused!

Mr. Mxyzptlk finally reveals himself and tells Superman that he's going to make everybody forget about Jon the way Superman forgot about Mxy. That's cool. I'd be okay with the moment at the end of this issue where Lois says "Jon who?" being the end of the Superman Reborn story. I'm already forgetting about the little fucking cat murderer.

The Ranking!
No change! At least Jurgens didn't wait until the last possible moment to reveal Clark Kent's true identity. Also, I don't know why I'm doing this ranking bit when I haven't even mentioned the back-up story yet! Whoops!

The back-up story takes place in a world of doors. It's where Jon's being kept captive by Mxy. Maybe "captive" is the wrong word since they're just hanging out the way friends do. Although if my friend Doom Bunny ever dropped by unexpectedly, I'd feel like I was being held captive in my own home. So maybe "held captive" is synonymous enough with "hanging out with friends."

Mxy tells Jon a story about the last time he tried to come to Earth to fuck with Jon's dad. I mean play with him! I guess "fuck" and "play" can also be synonymous, right?! Anyway, when Mxy appeared, he was instantly captured by Dr. Oz. Mxy's feelings were hurt when Superman never came to save him. He really does have a huge ego, doesn't he?

Mxy lets Jon know that he's stuck in Doorland until Superman figures out how to beat him. How will Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards this time? I bet he just punches Mxy in the face until Mxy says "Uncle." I mean "Kltpzyxm!"

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Superman #12

The Frankensteins are coming for dinner!

The first thing I noticed is that Lois rides a boy's bike. I get that girl's bikes were designed for skirts but we all realized as boys, fairly early on, that girl's bikes would have been preferable for boys as well. It just takes one accident where you rack yourself on the frame to realize you wished you had had the balls to buy a girl's bike before you lost them on the boy's bike. Of course, now that there isn't any stigma against a woman riding a bike like a man (meaning riding a bike like a normal person would ride a fucking bike if it weren't for social conventions created by horrible and uptight people), it's no big deal. But I still noticed it! Lois is such a man!

Even though Lois has accepted the job at the Daily Planet pretending to be Lois Lane, Lois Smith still needs a job of her own. So she's going to be working for the Hamilton Horn, Hamilton County's local paper. And she gets her first big story during the interview as Frankenstein crashes through the wall.

Frankenstein thinks the editor in chief is somebody named Outcast. He also mentions SHADE which is usually when I begin suggesting possibly reverse acronyms for it. Super Humans Against Dowdy Editors?

Lois Lane keeps one of Batman's Hellbat gloves in her backpack. I would say she stole it but if Batman has yet to reclaim it, the only reasonable assumption is that he doesn't mind Lois having it. She uses it to put down Frankenstein so she can help the editor escape. The editor must be evil because why else would Frank target her? Other than the fact she's an editor. I mean, that alone is reason enough to destroy her and send her to Hell.

I might have an irrational hatred and bias toward editors. Although maybe it's not irrational. You would probably hate people who constantly "tsk-tsked" your manuscripts as well. What do editors know about art anyway?! They look at the Chicago Manual of Style as the Mona Lisa of grammar. More like a gigantic snoozefest of boring rules and impossible to follow regulations!

Lois and Candice, the editor (can you read the word "editor" as if it's in some kind of gross, dripping font every time you see me write it? Thanks!), escape in Frank's hovercycle he brought to the scene of his attempted justicing. See that last sentence? That's pretty good, right?! Totally conveys the point I'm trying to make. But an editor (dripping font, remember!) would be all, "Justicing is not a word. Change it. It should make sense." But it does make sense! Everybody can sense the fuck out of it! Except stupid editors.

Frankenstein hops on the vehicle as Lois uses it to escape. But then Superman appears because the title of this comic book is "Superman" and not "The Adventures of Superman's Wife, Lois Smith".

Last issue, Superman fought Swamp Thing. Now he's fighting Frankenstein. Let me guess: next story, he's going to beat the shit out of Kermit the Frog!

Frank shoots Superman in the face with his magic pistol and then crushes Superman under a tractor. Then he walks away as if that's all it takes to defeat Superman. I don't think Frankenstein has been doing his SHADE homework again. Stupid Homework Always Drags Endlessly?

Guns don't kill Frankenstiens. Mobs with pitchforks and torches kill Frankensteins.

Superman returns to punch Frank in the face again but not before Frank uses his Remote Control to call back his hover vehicle. It returns with Lois still at the helm and smashes into the back of Superman's head. Hopefully it's made of technology and not magic or else Superman might have a super-concussion.

Frankenstein cuts off Candice's face revealing she's a Manhunter. Or a robot or something. You know, like I said, she's a fucking editor. They all deserve to get their faces cut off!

Candice turns out to be Kroog, some kind of alien murderer. Now Superman needs to figure out if he should stop Frankenstein or not. And Lois will have to figure out what the Frankensteins eat when she cooks them supper at the end of the next issue, after the Bride of Frankenstein arrives. I know she was on the cover of this issue but she didn't quite make it before the first part ended.

The Ranking!
+1! Come on! Frankenstein has come back! That alone is worth the cover price. But also, the editor was revealed to be a hidden monster! And guess who edits this book? Eddie Berganza! Coincidence? I think not!

Superman #9

Titano lives on Dinosaur Island? Now I'm interested!

My biggest question about a Donald Trump presidency is this: how are foreign leaders going to keep from laughing in his face, rolling their eyes, and pointing at him while looking at their assistants and saying, "Seriously? This guy?" Of course they'll probably say "Seriously? This guy?" in a different language! I mean, he'll probably get along with Theresa May. But I can't see any other foreign leaders taking him seriously! Although I don't really know any other foreign leaders being that I have the attention span and interests of a typical American. I have a vague suspicion that there must be other leaders of other countries but I can't be bothered to look into the matter. And now that Donald Trump is going to be our president, I'm too embarrassed to even Google any other leaders. As soon as I see their faces, I will simply imagine how disappointed they are in my country and I'll feel really embarrassed.

Thankfully I read comic books to help me forget about all of the terrible actions that a Republican controlled government will take to ruin the economy and social welfare of the people! Although I'm not sure a comic book about an island where dinosaurs run loose devouring anybody who can't defend themselves will be much of a help in that regard.

Superman and Superboy have discovered the home of The Losers on Dinosaur Island. Most of The Losers are dead (including Pooch as Pet Killers Tomasi and Gleason gleefully pointed out last issue). But one still lives! A one-eyed, one-legged maniac who shoots first and second and probably third and almost certainly doesn't ask questions because corpses can't talk. Although he'll have to come up with some questions this time because he's shooting first at Superman. I don't know which Loser this guy is because I don't know The Losers at all. Why would I read a comic book about losers?! I pointed out earlier that I read comic books to help me forget about my life!

The man's name is Captain Storm and he's probably going to tell a story about The Losers. If he does, it had better have Superman in it because I bought a comic book about Superman. I'll feel ripped off if the comic book is about Superman listening to a story about the actual stars of the comic book. I might even think poorly of DC Comics for about ten seconds.

Captain Storm's story doesn't take too long to tell. That's a relief! Although, to be completely transparent, I already thought the bad thoughts about DC Comics! Storm simply points out that The Loser were all killed. Although they also thought he was dead and had a grave for him already set up. So maybe they're all still alive somewhere on the island! Even if they just buried a skeleton that had been wearing Johnny Cloud's dog tags! Maybe even Pooch! Although Goldie is still dead. Assholes.

Captain Storm has a trained pterodactyl. I can already imagine Gleason and Tomasi chomping at the bit to kill it!

Captain Storm says he knows where Superman's Plot Device is. Superman needs the Plot Device to get him and Jon back to reality. In this case, reality is not a world where dinosaurs and World War II fighting men share an island. Reality is wear grown men dress up in tights, wear masks, and assume stupid monikers.

Superman discovers that the creature guarding the Plot Device is a gigantic white ape with a cybernetic eye like the one Cave Carson has. I mean, like the one the giant squid that attacked them in Issue #2 had! It probably ties in to the Watchmen, right? Creatures watching the world? It sounds like something Ozymandias would come up with.

I hope when the Watchmen do turn up (you know, after Didio and Johns can come up with an interesting and believable story about why they fucked up the DC Universe and how it is absolutely the fault of the DC readership), Rorschach is back to life. He and the Comedian were the only interesting ones and they were both killed! But the Comedian was a rapist so he can't come back to life. But what did Rorschach ever do to deserve death except stand by his ideals! Bring back Rorschach! Bring back Rorschach! Down with Trump! Down with...whoops! My chanting got out of control!

An upsetting number of pages are used for a fight with dinosaurs and monsters. I'm sure they don't upset most people because it's a comic book! What do I expect? Intellectual literature and high-minded philosophy?! Well, yeah! Didn't DC fill their quota on boring monster fights with that Monster Men story? It's possible I've outgrown comic books. It's also possible it took me twenty five years too many to come to that realization.

Superman and Jon recover the Plot Device and Superman also takes Titano's eye before the Plot Device kicks in and begins returning them to the real world. Captain Storm decides to stay behind because he knows the world has changed too much for an old soldier like him. He's much wiser than Steve Rogers! Not that Steve Rogers had a choice about joining the modern world, I guess.

After transporting back to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman discovers that the gorilla's eye and Captain Storm's wooden leg he was hanging onto have disappeared. He doesn't know where they've gone but the reader sort of gets to know! Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) filched them! And he's standing in his out-of-continuity lair staring at his next creation: the New York Alien Monster Octopus Times One Million! Is he going to crash it into Earth-New-Earth so that all of the universes in the multiverse put aside their differences to face a common enemy?! Probably not. He's probably just going to give it the mind of Doomsday, strap Tim Drake to its back, and send it to Earth-New-Earth simply to cause death and destruction.

The Ranking!
0! I'm beginning to wish that this issue had been a story about The Losers! Stupid DC! Give me what I don't know I want even when I think I want the opposite of what I want and you give me what I thought I wanted! Jerks!

Superman #8

The last time Dinosaur Island appeared in a comic, Superboy and Wonder Girl had a huge fuckfight on it.

The Commentary!
• Supergirl must have given Superman permission to use her Fortress of Solitude because Superman, Superboy, and Krypto are hanging out there building a plot device. Jon saw the specifications for the plot device in a dream (which is just another plot device to get characters to the plot device that will get the characters to Dinosaur Island!) which probably means somebody radioed the designs directly into his head. Somebody who needs Superman to visit Dinosaur Island!

• The plot device works its magic and suddenly father, son, and dog are on Dinosaur Island. But at first, they think maybe it's just Crashed Battleship Island!

• It's probably too many years past Lost to get a Lost joke, right? Although if Dan Jurgens were writing this, I bet there'd be a Love Boat joke!

• Superman is swallowed by a dinosaur fish as soon as they arrive. Not that dinosaurs can be fish. I know my science and prehistoric cartoons! I was just being descriptive!

• Superman proves he's Superman by finding a way out of the fish without punching his way out of its stomach. That's Superman! He even takes into account the life of a big dumb prehistoric fish when nobody would have blamed him for turning it into sashimi. That's how he should react to every situation. Take a moment, weigh his options, and figure out a peaceful solution. Unless, of course, the fish had been full of Kryptonite. That's the only time Superman should panic! I mean, it doesn't have to be a fish full of Kryptonite to be the only time Superman should panic. It just has to be a situation that involves Kryptonite.

• Along with battleships, tanks, and Japanese fighter jets, Superman and Superboy discover some dinosaur birds! They're probably Pterosomething-or-others. I probably could have named dozens of dinosaurs when I was eight years old. Now that I'm 45, all the dinosaurs I could name have probably been tossed in the trash heap of dinosaur history.

Krypto is eaten for the second time this series! And Jon's second pet to be snatched by a big bird!

• Jon makes mention of Krypto's penchant for getting eaten. Jon doesn't seem to realize that this situation was a lot like the situation where he killed Goldie! Why doesn't anybody remember Goldie?!

• Besides dinosaurs and weapons of war, Superman and his son find a bunch of corpses of The Losers scattered about the island. They also find a message on a cave wall written to Flag warning him of something--a spirit--even larger than the dinosaurs on the island. So I guess Superman will be dealing with that next issue.

The Ranking!
0! Like most stories that take place on Dinosaur Island, it was rather tepid. It's almost as if the idea of dinosaurs is supposed to be enough to keep a reader interested. "Holy shit! Dinosaurs?! In modern times?! CRAZY!" Instead it's more like, "I didn't even give a shit about Jurassic Park."

Oh, and just so everybody knows the score, Pet Murderers Peter and Patrick make sure that everybody knows Pooch, The Loser's dog, fucking ate it too!

Superman #5

The Eradicator gives the worst happy endings.

The Commentary!
I didn't mention the sodomy going on on the cover because I've decided to repress the memory of finding it arousing.

Last issue, Superman took his family on a road trip to the moon (minus the road). He loaded them up in the camper submarine and took them to see the sights. Or is it sites? I suppose both work so get off my cases. I used the plural of case because I had two possibilities there that I didn't wanting you getting on. So, um, the first site he takes his family to sight is the American flag planted on the moon! Proof that America actually went to the moon which everybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM sorely needs (although they'll ignore anything that proves America went to the moon). Well, conspiracy radio nutjobs, check out this proof:

See? The American fla...wait a second! That's not the American flag! The stripes are all wrong! What is going on here? Why would America plant a forgery on the moon? Is it a literal clue that the moon landing was a false flag operation?! Ignore the definition of "false flag" and just believe my wordplay conspiracy!

What is the etymology of "conspiracy"? Does it mean "with piracy"? Which should mean conspiracies are all run by pirates, right?! How hard would it be to keep a lid on a conspiracy if it had to be run by pirates. The president of the United States would be all, "And here is the new head of the CIA, Mister Frank the Kidd!" Then Frank would limp up and try to shake with his left hand but misjudge the distance of the president's hand!

Everybody who read that last sentence understood I was describing a man with a peg leg and a hooked right hand who wore an eyepatch, right? If you didn't get that, maybe you should be reading easier to understand reviews like the kind they have at Comic Book Resources or Weird Science Blog. I hear they love Scott Lobdell over there! That means they have, at best, a fourth grade reading comprehension! Y'all should fit in nicely there! Arr!

I was so distracted by the US flag that I didn't notice how fucked up the Earth was! Doug Mahnke definitely failed geography. Unless that's an accurate representation of Earth. And then this might be the proper time to tell you how I did in geography! I will say this about taking geography in Junior High: I once did a fully plagiarized oral report on glaciers. I mean, why bother putting it in my own words instead of reading it directly from an encyclopedia from the fifties?! I suppose I could have stuck some great glacier jokes in my report but I hadn't honed my craft then. You may have guessed that, especially if you were thinking, "You haven't honed your craft yet!"

According to the lighting in the previous scan, half of the "dark side of the moon" should be lit up. So why not go to that part so you don't terrify your family, Clark?

I guess Superman doesn't have a choice which part of the dark side of the moon to take his family since he's taking them into Batman's secret moon base. So...um...you know. That exists now! Batman has a secret base on the moon! Alfred is going to shit when he finds out he's got another place to clean.

Superman quotes Sun Tzu because The Art of War is totally the book I expect Superman to worship. Although the quote he says, "He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight," seems like some common sense shit that he could have pointed out without having to quote somebody. People who rely on quotes are generally boring assholes. I think even without the quoting of Sun Tzu, a lot of people might agree that Superman is a boring asshole. I don't think he is and I don't want him to be! But more often than not, writers can't seem to figure him out. So he quotes Sun Tzu instead of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Thankfully, this Lois Lane is much more Lois Lane than the Lois Lane in Justice League. Superman is all, "Jon, I don't want to have to deal with you using your powers and being in the Junior Justice League!" And Lois is all, "Are you fucking kid, Clark? He needs to learn! Get him out there fighting Doomsday and yanking gigantic gravitational balls out of the Earth's core!" Meanwhile Batman is probably watching all of this on his Batcomputer on Earth (or in the Moon Base's Pantry) and thinking, "So! The little twerp has super powers, does he?! I can't wait to casually let Clark know that I know!"

The Eradicator arrives and says, "Did your precious Sun Tzu say anything about surprise entrances?!" Although that line might come back to haunt him when he's surprise sodomized by Batman in the Hellbat armor.

Superman must have read some Sun Tzu that said, "Fight stupidly, stupid!", because Superman throws a bunch of crappy punches and then gets inhaled into Eradicator's Phantom Zone gullet. Well, at least Krypto will now have company.

Eradicator begins chasing Jon around the Bat-moon-cave while Lois begins digging through Batman's personal belongings.

Oh! The cover is Lois sodomizing the Eradicator! I suddenly don't feel any shame for being aroused by it!

The way Lois looks at and handles that item in the first panel means it must be a used butt plug.

Why doesn't Lois use her super powers to save Jon? She doesn't need to don Batman's unwashed fetish armor! But she dons it anyway and precedes to kick the Eradicator's ass while quoting Sarah Palin. At least I like to believe that she's quoting Sarah Palin. While Lois and Jon keep The Eradicator backpedaling all over the Bat-Moon-Cave, Superman works out a new deal with the souls of the Kryptonians while in The Phantom Zone. Hopefully he first asked them where his dog was. And maybe did they have a cat and a horse and a monkey too?

Superman absorbs all of the souls of Krypton himself and fights his way back up Eradicator's throat. That means next issue is yet another round of fisting! I mean fist fighting!

The Review!
I suppose it's cool to see Lois Lane get inside the Hellbat armor and kick some ass. But is it cool enough to destroy everything a fan believes about the DC Universe?! Aren't I supposed to believe Lois Lane has superpowers? Why did she need the armor? Was she more worried about revealing her powers to her son than saving her son's life? And, let us face some very sober facts, Batman would never allow his Hellbat Armor to be used by another person. It would probably work like a fingerprint or eyeball reader but it would be a full body reader! He probably has to get in the suit naked and the suit reads every wrinkle of his skin to make sure it is Batman. Only after confirmation will it come online! Unless maybe Bruce put in a "The current woman I'm trying to bang can try it out which will totally seal the deal" Mode. You know what? I've convinced myself that that's why Lois can use it. The Hellbat Armor was all, "Beep beep beep. Soft tush. Perky breasts. Pleasant woman funk. Switching modes. Ready for sexy battle."

Wow. I just realized that the whole Hellbat Armor ridiculousness made me completely forget about the other ridiculousness: Batman has a base on the moon! Holy Mare Vespertilionem, Batman!

Superman Rebirth #1

I guess Preboot Superman left his underwear in another Earth.

The Review!
This issue exists as the period on New 52 Superman's death. It's a big, heavy period that is meant to finalize his death and reassure everybody that he is not going to come back in some surprise twist like last time. Don't even think New 52 Superman is coming back because he isn't! He's totally dead! Completely dead. Dead dead dead dead. Super dead. Not even Flash can ruin time by bringing him back to life dead. Well, okay, maybe that one can still happen in a few years when DC fucks up this whole surprise twist where the Watchmen installed a glory hole into the DC Universe and fucked it raw. I get that DC wants everybody to know for certain that New 52 Superman is gone and the universe is definitely changing but I don't know if this DC Press Release was really worth paying $2.99 for. Aren't they usually free?! I mean free in that I don't have to pay for them. I don't mean free in getting the release without Comic Book Resources spraying their jizzy opinions all over whatever DC says. That's a kind of free I generally avoid.

The Commentary!
Now can we learn the name of Superman and Lois's cat? I'm getting really fucking upset about the lack of cat details in this comic book!

The issue begins with Preboot Superman thinking, "'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.' I live and breathe that quote with all my heart. I bet you did, too." My reaction was to scoff at first and think, "Great! You expect me to lift a finger to stop evil? Get out of here!" Then when he said, "I bet you did, too," I got super annoyed and yelled at a fictional character before I realized he's addressing Dead Superman. Speaking of stopping evil, I would actually prefer that good men do nothing because most men who believe they're good are fucking holier-than-thou assholes. I'm throwing my lot in with the evil people.

Preboot Superman is currently visiting Dead Superman's grave and he suspects that Dead Superman is actually Regaining Power While In A Krypton Healing Coma Superman. I don't think it works the same way on this Earth as it worked on the old Earth that existed back in 1992. Who needs New 52 Superman coming back to life when we've got plenty of other choices now? New 52 Superman was a dick.

Preboot Superman finds Lana Lang robbing Superman's crypt because he wanted his body...er, I mean, his pile of dust buried next to his parents in Smallville Cemetary [sic]. But Preboot Superman is all, "Hold on there, little lady! Give the man some time to return to life the way I did after Doomsday punched me to death in the most improbable death ever. Sure, he punched me a lot of times which is probably why I died. But he punched Booster Gold once too! Why didn't his head fly off?! Even with his stupid lousy forcefield? In case you didn't know, being from this different Earthand all, Doomsday was a monster who wore biker shorts. Oh, I know what you're saying. Anybody who wears biker shorts is a monster! You might be right, miss."

Apparently Preboot Superman was also visiting Superman's grave to steal his pile of dust. This comic is kind of morbid! They break into Supergirl's Fortress of Solitude and discover New 52 Superman never possessed the Kryptonian artifacts needed to bring him back to life. That's probably because he didn't have as many adventures as Preboot Superman had. Plus most of his adventures were with Toymaster and Lana Lang. He really should have gotten out more.

That wasn't meant to be as kinky as it sounds, was it?

Oh, that's basically it! Good bye!

Batman Loves Superman #32

This has "international incident" written all over it.

The Review!
See that number five on the cover of this book? Just take a black marker and cross it out. Then take your copy of Action Comics #52 and, using your black marker, replace the six with a five. Because you don't need to read this comic book. You don't want to read this comic book. The only thing it accomplished for me was making me hate Superman and Wonder Woman. They act like entitled children in their visit to China (which, I suppose, makes them no worse than most America tourists). The only thing you need to know from this story is that there is now a Chinese Superman flying around China. That's it. Nothing else in this story matters. Although looking at the cover and seeing that the entire Great Ten are on it while only seven of the Great Ten appear in the book makes me wonder about one of the worst lines in the entire book. It's when Wonder Woman first responds to the Great Ten telling the heroes to leave China. She haughtily proclaims that they can't count because there are only seven of them. Why put all ten on the cover and then just bring seven to the battle so that Wonder Woman can be a dick about it? I'm going to blame this bullshit on Eddie Berganza. He probably decided ten were too many characters to throw in the mix and then added Wonder Woman's shitty line to the script to address the missing members. Whatever is happening in this comic book, it's all horrible. Maybe Tomasi should just stick to writing Alfred, Bruce, and Damian. Working under Berganza is making him look like a shitty writer.

The Commentary!
For most of you, Superman has either already died or been miraculously saved because you've read the Superman #52. I won't be reading it for another two weeks or so because I'm so busy that I'm falling behind reading my comic books. Never mind what I've been busy doing! Curing cancer and playing video games can both be described as "being busy!" Also, in the immortal words of Rush, "If you choose to do nothing, you're still busy doing nothing." So suck it, judgmental nerds! Is this a case of protesting too much?

Okay, so Superman is dying. But he isn't concerned with finding a cure. He never read that poem about not going gentle into a perfectly reasonable night which totally proves that life is worth living or something. Although I wrote a poem called "Rage, Rage Against the Person Raging Against the Dying of the Light" which totally proves that it's better to just shut up and die and stop bothering everybody else with your problems. So, you know. I'm just as great as that Dylan Thomas guy! What else did he write anyway? Like anybody knows him for anything else! That'll teach him for writing one thing that was so much better than everything else! Or, if not better than other things he wrote, at least it was mercifully short. Nobody has time to read your stupid plays, Thomas!

It's cases like Dylan Thomas's that move me to write tons and tons of mediocre bullshit. That way nothing I write can ever outshine the rest of what I write and nobody will remember me for only the one thing! Instead they'll say things like "Grunion who?" and "Tess ate what? What the fuck are you talking about?" and "People who waste time reading comic books are probably stupid fucking assholes who never get laid." The imaginary people of the future are hurtful.

Why wasn't Bruce Wayne prescribed Dionesium years ago?!

Why doesn't Batman tell Superman about this thing called Dionesium that can cure even death? Does he not want his friend to live? I'm sure Superman can tunnel down under Gotham and find whatever's left of the stuff, right? I bet Batman is selfishly hoarding it just in case any more of his sidekicks die.

Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are currently headed into China to investigate the person who hacked the Fortress of Solitude and sent Chinese Zodiac monsters after Superman. That means they're going to ignore international borders because they don't have time to go through the proper legal channels like everybody else who wants to visit China. It must be nice living a life where you think the laws don't apply to you. Oh, you know what? It is nice! I'm one of those people! Although I think we're all really those people. If there's a law that's inconveniencing us at the moment, most of us will simply ignore it because, at the moment, it's obviously so stupid that it should never have been a law in the first place and we're modern day Henry David Thoreaus! We're taking a stand against injustice! Plus I really just needed to get across the street and am an adult and don't need a properly designated crossing to tell me when it's safe to cross! I'm a rebel! Plus I remember that thing where you look one way and then the other and then the other way before proceeding!

The Great American Trinity cross into China and are immediately brought down by some kind of force power. They're greeted by August General in Iron and the rest of the Chinese National Superhero Group, The Great Ten. Wonder Woman decides being told by another hero that she isn't allowed to cross international borders willy-nilly is the best time to point out a person's poor counting skills. It seems to me the American heroes should be apologizing profusely and explaining themselves rather than acting like they own the entire fucking world.

Christ. I'm American and now I hate Americans too! I think American tourists are worse for the United State's image than their atrocious foreign policy and imperialist attitude toward solving world problems!

Wonder Woman is from Themyscira and now lives in London so I'd understand if somebody wanted to argue that she's not American. But she's representing America by wearing the flag as a leotard and being an abrasive asshole, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to claim her as one of ours. That whole living in London to distance yourself from America isn't fooling anybody, Madonna! I mean Wonder Woman!

So apparently it's okay to beat the shit out of people enforcing their international border if they tell you that you should not be crossing illegally into their country. How dare they?! Maybe if I draw some Starros on Superman and Wonder Woman's faces in that previous scene, I'd be more inclined to buy their attitude. If Superman hadn't been so jovial in the opening scene, I might also chalk his attitude up to being desperately in a hurry because he's dying. But he doesn't really seem all that bothered by dying. I think he's just in the mood to kick some Chinese ass because he's upset about the trade disparity. America! When things don't go our way, we knock the Monopoly board on the floor and blame everybody else for ruining the game.

You never even tried to ask them anything! You just started mouthing off and acting like you owned the place, you asshole! How should they have reacted? With obsequiousness?

I guess if Tomasi wanted to write a story which made me hate Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, he's succeeded! What makes this worse is that Batman worked with August General in Iron in Justice League International. You'd think Batman would have kept that line of communication open just for these moments when he needed to be in China at a moment's notice. If Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman actually wanted to ask questions, they could have gotten in contact with August General in Iron. And since they didn't do that, I have to assume they really did just want to physically prove themselves superior to the Chinese heroes.

To prove that they're indeed friends and have come in peace, Batman puts the August General in Iron's life at risk so that Superman can save it. Everybody knows that that's the point where the opposition says something like, "You...you...you saved me life? Why?!" Then the heroes can be all, "Because we're heroes and we didn't want to fight you! But you were all, 'We're going to fight you!' So we had to be all, 'Oh yeah?! Well we're defending ourselves!' And so we had to fight!" And the opposition usually doesn't say but probably always thinks, "But that's not how it happened at all! Not at all!"

So now that the entire misunderstanding has been straightened out by the brusque, obnoxious assholes having proven that they're actually good people and not the dickfart frat jerks they first presented themselves as being, the Chinese and American heroes can discuss the situation rationally. At this point, I really don't fucking care if this Superman dies. And he may as well take Wonder Woman with him. Assholes.

No, August General in Iron, it does not. Do not allow these assholes to get away with their behavior! Do not compliment him on saving your life when he and his friends first endangered it! They could have approached politely and had this discussion instead of being insulting and aggressive.

The Great Ten escort the Big Three to Doctor Omen's lab where they discover she's created her own Chinese Superman by collecting Superman's FWASH power particulates or something. It's all quite scientific and inscrutable. Doctor Omen isn't a fan of being questioned by Americans so she frees Chinese Superman and he flies off to do whatever Chinese superheroes are taught to do. I'm not even going to speculate because I'll invariably say something insensitive or racist like how he's probably off to pee in Cokes. No way I'll be tricked into typing something like that!

The Great Ten explain that they will deal with Chinese Superman as long as he's in China and then kick the Americans out. August General in Iron does agree to remain in contact with Superman even though he never stayed in contact with Batman. I'll just assume that was Batman's fault. Although Batman isn't the type of guy to lose contacts or burn bridges. He plans for every possibility! Like the possibility that one day he'd need to enter China to deal with something and having a powerful Chinese ally like August General in Iron is something Batman wouldn't just toss out like a smeg-covered egg salad sandwich from a stranger.

Meanwhile, Impostor Superman has decided to visit Lois Lane at her apartment. Maybe Lois will get the scoop on this guy since that's what she does.

Batman Loves Superman #31

I wonder what Batman is singing here?

The Review
Even though this story is about Superman dying, it's raised the quality of this comic substantially! That's probably because Eddie Berganza is keeping his gropey mitts off of this series and letting Tomasi tell the story all himself. That's why Tomasi is writing both Superman and Batman Loves Superman right now. I don't know if he's also writing Action Comics and still on Superman Loves Wonder Woman until this story is over. Probably! It's really the way to go because whenever you have a story controlled by Group Editor Eddie Wanderinghandza and written by several writers, the quality always suffers. Because the story is always as bad as the worst writer helping out. Plus when you've got a clod like Berganza conducting, you're guaranteed cacophony.

The Commentary
My favorite thing about the Superman books now being numbered so readers know in which order to read them is that you know, one day, DC Comics is going to publish them out of order. I can't wait for that day so I can openly mock them! "Losers!" I'll say! "Do your job right! How am I supposed to read these in the correct order? Build a time machine?! Jerks! Poor business people! Lousy organizers!" Oh man, that was fun. I guess I don't have to wait for that day! I can mock them any time I want to by just pretending they fucked something up! Just like everybody else on the internet!

This issue is called "The Final Days of Superman" because the bitch is dying. He flew too close to the sun and now he's paying the price! No wait. I guess that whole Icarus analogy can't be used willy-nilly on anybody! Because if Superman flies too close to the sun, he gets stronger. Oh! You know what would make the Icarus myth better! If Daedalus was knocked out of the air by a plummeting Icarus and as he too crashes to the ground, he could have yelled, "Arg! I flew too close to the son!"

Superman has decided to go tell Batman he loves him. What better way to end your life than making Batman feel awkward and uncomfortable? Batman is currently busy fighting crime.

Or shooting a porno.

Superman hasn't actually come to hug Batman at all. He wants the use of Batman's detective skills to find Supergirl. Well, it's about time! My theory is that she finally met somebody in the universe who didn't approve of being punched in the face as a greeting and locked her up somewhere. And wherever she's locked up, it's strong enough to withstand her vagina exploding FWASH power. I don't know if Superman knows it but Supergirl once survived Chronic Kryptonite Poisoning herself! She might be able to help save him if she can remember how she got better. I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Cyborg Superman and some people called I'noxians.

Superman meets Titus and Batcow but Alfred Pennyworth the Cat smells Krypto all over him and decides to remain in the shadows. Before Superman leaves, Alfred says thank you to him and I almost lose it. It's weird because I generally don't feel like I care about most of these fictional characters. I've got a pretty thick callous of cynicism coating my brain and yet fucking Tomasi always knows how to write Alfred in just the right way to break through the armor. Maybe he catches me off-guard by writing a scene where I open the emotional gates to let the anger out because Alfred Pennyworth the Cat didn't get to meet Superman and so I write some glib excuse for why the cat didn't make the cut and then BOOM! Alfred thanks Superman and leaves it at that and I'm left thinking, "How did my anger turn to melancholy so quickly?!"

Meanwhile in Metropolis, that escaped convict is still going around thinking he's Superman. I mean, he doesn't think he's Superman when he's not all Superman'd up. But then he pushes a kid off of a roof and the kid is about to die and he transforms and suddenly he's Superman and he's thinking like Superman and he has Superman's powers and he has to save the kid. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably just a side story that will never go anywhere. Unless Tomasi writes Superman differently than Scott Lobdell did.

Superman saves a bunch of lives while Batman does the detective thing. When Superman returns to Gotham, Batman tells Superman that Kara seems to have gone to some mysterious place called National City. That must be the Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse. For several reasons! First of all, Gotham and Metropolis are both the fictional New Yorks of the DC Youniverse even though there's still a New York City in the DC Youniverse. So National City is probably the fictional Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse even though there's already a Washington, DC. But even more apt is that DC Comics used to be National Comics. So they're being clever! Also I don't think any political shit really goes down in National City. Maybe a few baseball games or something, but that's about it.

Before Batman can say more, they're attacked by a number of Chinese New Year Animals. I bet it's the work of the new and improved Calendar Man! This gimmick is way better than whatever his gimmick was before!

Well la dee da! Batman just knows fucking everything, doesn't he?!

The Zodiac creatures were probably sent by the evil Doctor Omen who recently hacked the Fortress of Solitude. Unless that's a racist assumption to make because she was Chinese and these are Chinese Zodiac animals. But it's not like Doctor Light has appeared in this comic book! So why would I think she was behind it. Also she's Japanese so that was racist.

Before the creatures destroy themselves, the dragon slices Superman's neck and makes him bleed. Well, now The Coming of the Supermen #3 cover makes sense! Except it was on the wrong comic book!

Instead of figuring out what the attack was about, Superman decides it's time to rush off to National City where Supergirl is currently sealed in some kind of Anti-Bum machinery. It's the worst because I can't see her bum!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23

When you're sliding down the hall and your balls hit the wall! That's Corruption!

Last issue, Superman and Wonder Woman were working through some relationship problems. Superman told Wonder Woman he wanted to breakup and Wonder Woman told Superman to stop being a fucking baby and start doing his Goddamned job! Then they kidnapped Parasite to use as a marital aid. See, since they're both so invulnerable, they can't really feel intimacy between them. They usually just go through the motions with Superman saying "Do you feel anything?" and Wonder Woman lying like all women who are tired of being passive-aggressively accused of being the fault for not having an orgasm and saying, "Oh. Yes. That was definitely a job for Superman." Then Superman, who couldn't feel anything either because of that invulnerability, pretends to finish, pulls out his limp cock, rolls over, and falls asleep. That's when Wonder Woman takes out the special polearm Hephaestus made for her. But with Parasite draining their powers, they can both enjoy coitus! Or they can all enjoy coitus because wouldn't Parasite also drain sexual energy and eventually spray his purple jizz all over the rutting superheroes?

That point is called "orgasm."

Superman offers to let Parasite go if he does what Superman says. That seems a little irresponsible of Superman! He's putting a lot of people's lives in danger! I bet he's going to go back on his deal but in a way which keeps his dignity intact. Does Superman have any dignity left? Maybe it doesn't matter if after Parasite tracks down Dr. Bendy, Superman just throws him back into Belle Reve. I have a feeling Superman will just tell Amanda Waller where she can pick up her filthy pet when he's done abusing it.

Countdown to fucking!

My favorite song to fuck to is Public Enemy's "54321...Boom!" True story (implying the previous sentence was utter bullshit (and not really confirming in any meaningful way that what follows will not be bullshit)): I have both fucked and cried desperately throughout The Cure's entire album "Disintegration." Not at the same time. Probably. Although trying to sexily please your partner with the lyrics "The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight" sometimes takes an awkward turn. I wonder if anybody has yet approached The Cure to do a "Mamma Mia"-esque Broadway show to their music? Maybe call it "Let's Go To Bed" although in this current climate of fear, hate, and racism, maybe "Killing An Arab" will draw in more people? People who don't realize they're all in for a lesson to be learned, right?!

Meanwhile Angle Man and Vandal Savage speak to each other as if they're somehow equals. Just by the name "Angle Man," you can tell the guy is C-list all the way! Angle Man uses some kind of magic protractor to open up portals and to maybe even time travel. Perhaps that's how he knows Vandal Savage and why they have some kind of six hundred year old plan. I can't figure out how else they've been planning on killing Superman for six hundred years. Does this mean Clark Kent is about to travel back through time for a few years? Maybe depowered Superman will be more interesting if he's a member of the Demon Knights!

Oh! Well, that explains some of that then! I think. Sometimes I just like to scan a page and say, "Oh! I get it now!" That way people don't think I'm too stupid to understand a comic book plot.

Angle Man's real plan is to kill Vandal Savage and take over the world for himself. That's probably also Wrath and Hordr_root's plans as well! Maybe Superman can lure them all back to this secret chamber they plan their world conquering inside of and trick them into all killing each other.

Parasite leads Superman and Wonder Woman to Angle Man's underground lair. He lives in the bunker from Lost where he's keeping Firestorm imprisoned to power his Mystic Protractor. Do you think Angle Man will say something witty like how he's looked at things from every angle? Or how the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides? Did I get that right?

Christ, Angle Man! Telling them about the implants is such a C-list villain move! Why not just tell them that all of your power comes from your geometry tools!

A huge battle ensues while Angle Man watches from the safety of his monitor room saying things like "I'll 'sine' your death warrant!" and "Try to look at it from my angle, Superman!" and "Our two lives were bound to intersect at this point!" and "If two parallel lines are cut by a transversal, then alternate interior angles are congruent! Ah ha ha ha!" It's so super nerdy I almost went out and purchased a compass.

When the battle seems about won, a huge suit of power armor rises out of the pond in the middle of the room and puts itself onto Wonder Woman.

Of course Superman and Wonder Woman are going to have to fight! How else will Clark remember how much he loves and pretends to cherish Diana?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23 Rating: No change. I really wish superheroes would stop falling under the control of the villains. If the villain's only real tactic is taking over a superhero's mind so that the superheroes now have to battle each other then that villain isn't really worth much as an antagonist. The villain simply becomes a tool to get superheroes to battle which is apparently what either comic book fans really want or what comic book companies think comic book fans really want. I really don't know since I know I'm sort of a comic book fan and I hate when heroes fight. But I don't know if other comic book fans love when heroes fight because I don't like interacting with other comic book fans! You're all too nerdy without the proper amount of sardonic distance from the source material with which I pretend to be filled so that the normies still accept me into their arms which have had sex more than the one imaginary time at camp. You nerds get what I'm saying, right? No offense!

Superman Isn't Sure If He Loves Wonder Woman Anymore #22

I hope this is the breakup issue.

The worst part about being heterosexual is not being able to arrive at a location and yelling, "I'm here and I'm queer!" I mean, I guess you can if you want to tease all of the local gay people. If you still want to yell it and don't want to be a tease, I suppose after you have sex with all of the gay people, you can say, "Oh, I just meant I'm eccentric!"

The last three comic books I read were Doomed, Doctor Fate, and Lost Army. The subtext of that rather boring sentence is "I am one more shitty comic book away from killing myself." Now, I could have dug through the stack and picked a comic book I know I'll love. But instead I'm taking my chances with Superman Loves Wonder Woman. This is like a game of Russian Roulette. It's written by Peter J. Tomasi which probably means there's only one bullet in the chamber. But even he hasn't been enough to save the mess that has become Superman which probably means that lone bullet is about to get ass raped by the firing pin. Maybe I should put some tarps down before I read this because I have a feeling it's going to get messy.

The issue begins with Superman teleporting up to the Justice League satellite and it might be the most terrifying thing I'll read over Halloween. It takes--get this!--thirty freaking seconds for Superman to be transported from one location to the next! He thinks about it as if it's thirty seconds of peace and quiet. But what it really is is thirty long seconds of non-existence! Although judging by the way transporters work, it's probably not thirty seconds at all. It's probably fucking eternity! Transporters are little more than suicide machines! Once the original Superman is taken apart molecule by molecule, he's dead. Done. Gone! That thing that arrives at the other side? The one that looks like him because the transporter arranged all of his bits back into the proper structure? That's not Superman. That's a monster!

Oh! Maybe that can help me explain why he's been acting like such a jerk!

The way this is beginning, it feels like the Convergence Sneak Peek. I hope not. That's where all these awful powerless Superman stories began! Before that, they were mostly crap. After that, they were all crap. I'm surprised anybody still buys Superman comic books. I suppose lots of readers think they're reading good stories because shitty comic book reviewers talk about this depowered Superman story line as if it's exciting and well-written. I wish they could all be fired from doing something they all do for free anyway. Most of them are probably just a bunch of sweaty assholes dying to get their Pro-Superman blurb on the next collected edition. They trade their dignity and honor for a spoonful of silver coins and a song from Pontius Poppins. Bastards.

Superman tracks blood all over the satellite as he heads to the shuttle bay. I guess this is the extended version of the Sneak Peek. Superman is going to fly into the sun and Wonder Woman is going to go after him. I will try my hardest not to wonder how fast the Justice League Shuttles can fly as he goes from the Earth to the sun in probably less than an hour.

Back on Earth, this happens because why not?

The way she's been written lately (the way they've all been written!), I'd say Lois Lane probably deserved to get smacked in the face by somebody. Superman wasn't going to do it. Wonder Woman probably wanted to do it and may have actually paid Lana to do it. But I guess Lana did it because she's angry that Lois Lane endangered her friend and brought all of this bullshit down on his head. Although did she really? How did things go from Superman being mostly loved by everybody except General Lane, Lex Luthor, and the United States Government to everybody hating him simply because people learned his name is Clark Kent? The only person who doesn't believe Clark Kent is Superman is Lex Luthor which is stupid since Lex Luthor was the only one smart enough to figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman after the Dick Grayson/Nightwing reveal. I have a feeling Lex Luthor is going to be set up by Batman and Superman so that he gets proof that Clark isn't Superman. Then he'll expose the secret to the world and everybody will breathe a sigh of relief and go back to pointing out what a clumsy four-eyed jerk Clark Kent is.

Wonder Woman ditches Lana and Lois to go after Clark herself. She finds The Flash groggy from having been sucker punched by Clark. That's appropriate. Everybody punching everybody else for the most negligible of reasons! Even if they had good reason, it's still idiotic. For being good people and super heroes, they sure do rely on violence an awful lot.

Diana flies out to bring Superman back before he burns up or suffocates in space or dies in any number of horrible ways now that he's not even close to being invulnerable anymore. The Flash teleports them back and then Superman drops the bomb that really should have been Wonder Woman's bomb about sixteen issues ago.

Remember all the dead-eyed stares from Wonder Woman last issue? I'm pretty sure she knows she doesn't love Superman anymore. Although it could have just been Doug Mahnke not giving a shit about his job.

Clark decides to hold a grudge against Diana because she didn't do as he told her in the last few issues. Plus he's probably just trying to push her away in a lame attempt to keep her safe. But if he is, he's doing it in one of those ways that, if you're Diana, should be unforgivable. Telling somebody you're supposed to love that "you don't think you love them anymore" is the fucking end of it. If not for the person saying that, definitely for the person who was told it. Because either they don't love you anymore and you should just move on because they're trying to end it, or they do still love you and they're playing fucking games and trying to hurt you. Either way, fuck it. Dealbreaker. Done. Walk away from that shit, Diana.

Wonder Woman takes this petty garbage like the only adult in pretty much any Superman comic book right now. She just gets on with the business of finding the enemy kidnapping powerful beings to use as a source of energy. She's determined to do League work no matter how Superman's acting. So if he said the thing about not loving her to push her away, it didn't work anyway.

Superman and Wonder Woman decide to kidnap Parasite to use him as bait for their unknown stalker. They board the helicopter transporting him and actually take over without punching the shit out of a bunch of people just doing their job.

Although if I were one of the guards, I'd hate to have to face Amanda Waller after this. Maybe it would have been better if they were all knocked unconscious.

And so they kidnap Parasite and are ready to use him for bait next issue.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #22 Rating: No change. This was just the Convergence Sneak Peek with some extra pages and a breakup. At least I hope it's a breakup. It had better fucking stick. I want Diana to run into Selina and have Selina tell Diana to just forget about Superman. It's such a waste of time trying to have a fuckship with these do-gooders who think everything out of their face-holes is righteous wisdom. I guess the bad guy still hasn't been revealed either. I mean, aside from him being called Mr. Bend. Too bad I didn't read this earlier so I could have advised everybody to just skip it! Although if you're into women punching other women in the face, I guess this was worth the cover price.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20

I finally went outside today around seven PM and it looks like the end of the world up here in Portland! It smells like it too. The sun was a fiery red haze and the air is thick with smoke and burning and death and destruction. While walking to Fred Meyers, I passed by the people who sit out front of a halfway house on the way there talking about the cause. It seems to be the final leg of Project Cloverleaf. They've stepped up the chemtrail attacks! In less than a week, everybody in Portland will be mindless zombies programmed to spend, spend, spend so that the economy can grow, grow, grow! I also learned that one of them once fucked a demon in the ass and another one's mother was a real shrew. Now, I could believe the actual news reports about the smoke in the skies being from a fire in Washington but I think those halfway-homeless guys were really onto something.

It doesn't matter to me if the world ends before I read Tomasi's new Superman Loves Wonder Woman but I might be a little bit pissed if the world ends directly after I finish reading it. I don't want to die with a bad taste in my brain. And that's what'll happen if Peter Tomasi doesn't pick up his game and start making this book as wonderful as he made Batman Loves Robin. I mean, Batman and Robin. Maybe I should speak directly to Peter. I do have some pull at DC Comics! I'm pretty sure I got all of their horrible comics cancelled and finally made them see the light about Ann Nocenti's writing.

Dear Peter,

Come on, jerk! We loved and trusted you! Your name on the front of a book meant something! How could you let the fans down?! Even if editorial is forcing this stupid fucking story line and the ill-fated relationship of the title on you, you can't just roll over and write shit because you're pissed at them. Think of the fans! Think of the people who will never buy another Peter J. Tomasi title because they were soured by your work on Superman Loves Wonder Woman. I mean, this work has been awful! Just...just vile! I would rather go to a live poetry reading with white people reading poems while the audience drinks wine and contorts their faces in ways that try to show that they're getting more out of the poetry than any of the other white people! I would rather own a dog! I would rather have a baby! I would rather work a normal forty hour work week than my current ten hour work week! If you've forgotten what I'm trying to avoid doing by doing these other things I really don't want to do, let me remind you: it's reading Superman Loves Wonder Woman! I'm actually really concerned for your mental well-being. Have you had an MRI lately because there might be something seriously wrong with your brain? This comic book is so bad, I would never guess it was by the person who wrote three years of Batman and Robin. That series made me cry real tears at least four different times! This series makes me cry blood! And I don't think the human body is supposed to be doing that! Please, for the sake of my eyeballs and white shirts, start writing better! Thank you for hearing me out, Pete. We know you can fix this!

Your Friend (although don't hold me to that if we ever meet in public because I don't really like other people much),
Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

This issue begins in a promising way that probably won't go in the direction that I want it to go!

Come on, Trevor! Say it! Strap on those testicles and say it! "You're fucking the woman I love!"

Right off the bat, I have problems. I like the idea of Clark and Steve having a conversation made awkward by Superman's current relationship. But I don't like the idea of Superman entering the Oval Office with two unconscious secret service men. Why would Superman ever physically harm anybody for just doing their job? Unless their job was robbing banks or making puppies fight. Maybe Superman realizes it's less embarrassing failing to protect the president if you've been punched out by Superman as opposed to Superman carrying you into the Oval Office by the scruff of your neck as you impotently struggle to get free. That would be pretty humiliating, right?

Meanwhile at the aptly named Salvation Technology Emergency Evaluation Laboratory so that it can be acronymed into STEEL, the mysterious people behind the raid on the Kent Family Farm plot and machinate and plot. Why would Steel's company steal all of Superman's family's things for STEEL?! Isn't he supposed to be a good guy? It's possible that Lana Lang mentioned how she once lent Clark Kent her copy of Catcher in the Rye which she really wanted back because she had marked up a whole bunch of important passages that totally helped her become a strong individual and to totally organize that walk out at Smallville Junior High when they wouldn't let any of the students wear sunglasses.

I don't understand how it was a bombshell. Do people in the DC Youniverse not understand what a secret identity is? What's the big deal? So Superman was a reporter! Now everybody hates and mistrusts him? Jared Fogle was revealed to be a pedophile and people are still eating Subway sandwiches!

I suppose ARGUS exhumed Clark Kent's relatives to see if they're a bunch of aliens too. That totally makes sense! I suppose Lois could have sat Clark Kent down for an interview about the matter before she just published an article exposing his secret. With her relationship with him, isn't it her journalistic responsibility to get his side of the story? Couldn't she have asked him if his parents were human? Why did she have to botch this article so badly when every other thing she writes wins a Pulitzer?!

It seems a bunch of Clark's associates have also been taken by STEEL. Remember how Lana and Steel were missing?! I guess Steel stole himself! Unless STEEL isn't Steel's corporation. That would be weird, right?

Wow. I'd say you fooled yourself on that one, Steve.

Trevor goes on to theorize that heroes who wear masks are more honest because they're open about hiding their identity. I think he's finally getting around to venting about Wonder Woman! I think he just called her a lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend!

Meanwhile, his lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend is marching straight through STEEL to get her boyfriend's things back. She also has no problem knocking out innocent people just doing their jobs.

Let's see. Why wouldn't Diana, Arthur, or Victor need secret identities? Wonder Woman doesn't need to protect the Amazons or her teammates. Arthur doesn't need to protect Mera or Aquadog. And Victor isn't dating Sarah and doesn't give a shit if anybody kills his dad Silas. Also, I mean, what is Vic going to do? Where a trench coat and a fedora everywhere he goes? That would be worse than people knowing his identity.

Superman opens up about why he kept a secret identity and what he's saying to Steve is the fucking interview that Lois Lane should have gotten! She would have won the Mega-Pulitzer with this stuff! But Lois is currently being rescued from STEEL by Wonder Woman.

President Barack Obama interrupts Trevor and Kent after Clark's moving speech about why he kept a secret identity. I guess it's time for President Obama to tell Americans that it's okay to love him again! Then everybody will say, "Oh! If the president thinks it then it must be okay! We love Superman again!" Except of course Fox News and its viewership who will despise Superman even more now.

He's right! If there were a real life superhero and I found out he was moonlighting as a mild-mannered reporter, I'd be fucking terrified!

Barack Obama assures Superman that his friends will be released as soon as the government is done with them. Whoops! That means Wonder Woman just fucked it all up and everybody is going to super distrust Superman now! And probably Wonder Woman too! I bet Superman yells at her later!

While Clark and Barack head back inside, Parasite attacks! Why Parasite?! He's gotten way too much on-panel time since The New 52 began. Superman has other enemies! Like Titano! Or Starro! Or any of a number of jerks whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal.

Back at STEEL, Wonder Woman has Lois Lane interview everybody about Superman. They don't show it but she's probably having them all tell their stories with her lasso tied around them. Oh! How about letting Lois interview Clark like that too?! Jesus Christ did Lois fuck this story up. If only she'd gone straight to the source, I bet this entire mess could have been avoided. But instead, she had to print a story that caused fear because fear makes the media money! Bastards.

And this is why I still love Peter J. Tomasi! He's taking a crappy Superman story arc and he's writing the fucking hell out of it. Finally! I knew you could do it, Peter! I never lost faith! Except for a few months of darkness there but that was because I was weak from Convergence! I'm much better now!

During the interviews, Lois asks Clark's friends if he's ever let them down. You can tell they're under the influence of the lasso because when Lana is asked, she hesitates and says, "He should...he should have saved my parents." Ack. Ugh. I think the blood is coming from my eyes again! No, wait, um...it's not blood! We're good here.

Boom! 'nuff said! Err, wrong company. Sorry!

I want to scan in each of the responses from the people who knew Clark. They're all so fucking good! But I must withhold something for people who actually want to enjoy this book when it comes out in trade because why buy it now when the previous issues have been so crappy, right?

Superman doesn't quite defeat Parasite but Parasite doesn't beat Superman either since Superman has so little power to absorb now. Instead, Obama's Chief of Staff snaps his fingers and Parasite collapses. He was brought in from Task Force X as a precaution in case Superman went rogue. But as it stands, Superman seems to be trusted again, at least by the president and, I guess, Steve Trevor. Clark is given the location of his friends which means he'll arrive just in time to hear Lois Lane declare her love for Clark Kent! Probably!

This is going to get awkward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20 Rating: +6 Ranking. This is the issue that made this entire Superman loses his power and becomes mistrusted by everybody worth it. Well, maybe not exactly worth it but it definitely redeemed it to a large extent. I feel bad about calling out Tomasi before reading this issue because this issue is exactly the kind of thing I expect from Tomasi. It's touching and funny and spectacularly well executed. I no longer have to worry that Tomasi has brain cancer although now I have to worry about Tomasi getting brain cancer because I'll feel bad for even suggesting it. But my belief in Tomasi is reforged even stronger! There's probably an analogy here somewhere about making steel harder or something, so go with that analogy when you come up with it. The only issue I had with the book is that it kind of gives Obama the credit for being the rational guy who decided to keep things civil and talk out the problem. That's who Superman should be in every single issue he appears in! Perhaps he just needs to encounter more people willing to engage in frank conversation. And better writers too!