All Star Batman #9

I hope this literally happens in the comic book.

The Review!
Why does this comic book cost $4.99? Is it because the cover is stiffer than other covers? I bet I could make a really immature joke about that if I were more immature! But I've grown as a writer. Otherwise I would have pointed out that, on the cover, Ra's is about to use the Washington Monument as a Bat-Butt-Plug.

The issue begins by hoping the reader hasn't ever heard of that René Margaret's painting of a pipe that isn't a pipe. Or maybe it's hoping that you've heard of it so that when you read "This is not a Batman story," you instantly think, "Hey! That's totally artsy fartsy! Like that art movement where Marcel Dumbchump admired urinals and people smoked pipes that weren't pipes!" Maybe this is the first DC Comic book to have Dada Issues?

Before any Actually Nerds actually me, I know Morrison's run of Doom Patrol dealt with Dada Issues.

Since this isn't a Batman story, I now have to use my brain to figure out what the story is actually about! Dammit! I hate using my brain.

That tower isn't a tower.

Whoever is behind the end of the world (according to the cover, Ra's, I guess?), tells Batman that the three previous issues were just informative displays to teach Batman about the three most likely ways the world will end. The first two choices make sense: cataclysm and plague. But the third way he says the world will end is solipsism. That only makes sense if you're a pretentious asshole who is claiming that it makes sense. Does the world end when one believes that they can't truly know it because it resides outside of themselves? Maybe but not in the same way the world ends with a cataclysm or a plague. I don't think you can say the world ends with a philosophical argument. I mean, sure, anytime somebody starts speaking philosophically to me, I want the world to end! But it doesn't. The person just goes on and on and on, philosophically masturbating into my ears. Sometimes I shit myself just so I have an excuse to leave the room.

Ra's tells Batman that he used to think the Washington Monutower was a sword. But now he thinks it looks like a penis. He says "pen" but I know that's just because he didn't get to finish his thought. Obviously he's thinking it's a penis and he's going to use it to fuck Batman. Remember, this isn't a Batman story! That must mean it's slash fanfic.

Bruce and Ra's wind up battling inside the Washington Penis for the fate of the world. I know this isn't really slash fanfic so my mind is still trying to figure out what kind of story this is if it's not a Batman story. Could it be a Superman story? What other kinds of stories does DC Comics tell?

Ra's winds up shooting Batman in the face and shooting Duke in the back of the head and ending the world with his techno-demons. That's why it's not a Batman story! Because it's a Ra's story! It's the story where he wins! Except he can't win, right? I didn't see "Elseworlds" on the cover. So I guess Ra's is probably living some kind of delusional life the way Batman lived one in the last issue.

See? It actually was a Batman story! Just like the pipe is actually a pipe even though it isn't a pipe also at the same time!

Batman is all, "This is a Batman story after all!" Oh man! And I thought I was going to have to use my brain to figure out what kind of story it really was. What a great big trick Scott Snyder just pulled on all of us! He totally wanted us to believe it wasn't a Batman story so we'd be surprised when the Batman book we purchased actually turned out to be a Batman story! Unless...whoa. What if he was telling the truth from the beginning? What if this really never was a Batman story?! That means I need to figure out what the fuck I just read.

Ra's flies away on a Man-bat while Bruce falls out of the Washington Manupenis. But he's caught by an actual Blackhawk! So now he knows the Blackhawks really do exist even if they're supposed to be a super secret undercover black ops team! I guess they don't mind if Bruce knows they exist. He might figure out a way to send them a check.

After the story ends with a shocking twist horror movie ending that probably won't actually pan out in any way or mean anything more than a phone battery dying, the Cursed Wheel backup story is finally going to end. It's supposed to be telling me why I should like Duke Dukington. It hasn't been working so far.

And it still doesn't work. The Riddler puzzle doesn't make any sense. I don't remember why Zsasz was part of this. I don't care about Duke's parents and I don't know why this Daryl guy (his cousin? Bloom? I don't remember!) is harping on him to admit that Duke's got super powers. Apparently Duke does have super powers. He can see people as spaghetti beings. Then Batman solves the riddle that was supposed to be solved or something and something and I don't know what's going on. I'm guessing this story makes sense if it's all read at one time instead of a full month between reading each part. Also, this isn't the end like it says it's the end. The stupid story continues in some shit called Dark Days: The Forge.

The Ranking!
No change. Scott Snyder really doesn't write as well as I thought he wrote five years ago.

Doctor Fate #16

This had better be the last Goddamned issue! We've got a Rebirth happening, Dr. Late!

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with the sun not rising when it's supposed to rise. At least not in New York. I'm assuming the other side of the world has the opposite problem because I'm quite the scientific-minded person. I know how all of that sky garbage works and shit. Except this comic book is based on magic and not science so maybe the Earth didn't stop revolving since that would cause a whole host of other problems that might interfere with life on Earth. Like how everybody would fly against every wall as the Earth stopped, even if their mothers put out their arms to keep them from smashing their face into whatever she was also smashing her face into. Perhaps the magic antagonist just pulled down some space blinds. I'm sure Doctor Fate will sort it all out before the comic book is over.

• I wish this comic book were over! It hasn't been very good except for the few times it's been sort of not bad.

For some reason, Alan Moore makes a cameo. Those other people might be caricatures of famous people as well but I don't recognize them.

• The real Doctor Fate, Kent Nelson, and not the reluctant Doctor Fate who still probably thinks somebody slipped some acid in his tea, heads off to investigate a setting sun in a nearby park. It's probably a waste of time because if it were the Earth's missing sun, it would be too big to fit in a park. So it's probably somebody else's lost sun. Best to not get involved.

• It turns out Osiris is in the park and he wants his helmet back. But when he goes to get it, he finds Khalid has powerful friends like Bastet and I think Coyote and I think the Archangel Gabriel and I think Mohammad except there's no way it could be Mohammad because he was drawn on paper and everything. So it was probably a different prophet who really shouldn't have been drawn either. I mean, I'm sure Sonny Liew isn't Muslim so it's not like there's any reason he can't draw an image of a prophet of Allah! I mean, except for the reason that he probably doesn't want to be killed by some asshole who thinks everybody needs to follow the tenets of a religion they're not a part of.

• Anyway, Osiris lets Khalid live. Khalid is all, "I didn't even have to do anything! This gig is great!" But the readers are all, "Dude, Doctor Fate didn't even do anything! This comic book is terrible!"

The Ranking!
-1! And I'm going easy on it! Especially since this isn't even the final issue! I can't understand how this thing made it sixteen issues! I mean, even Ann Nocenti's Katana went six issues. So I guess compared to that pile of dog vomit, this one deserves ten more issues.

Doctor Fate #15

The Review!
This issue begins by making the reader think the real threat is a bunch of mummies. But in actuality, it is woman who is the enemy! I suppose "mummy" is a play on "fucking bitches, amirite?"

Exhibit A: Khalid believes women are mind-controlling manipulators who demand constant attention!


Exhibit B: Kent believes they are fearful, wrath-filled monsters who will make your life hell if you fail them.

Now that readers unambiguously understand the metaphor at play in this issue, I will assume that any comment about mummies is simply Paul Levitz and Sonny Liew's thoughts on women. Khalid first describes them as inarticulate. Just a bunch of blabbering monsters with nothing important to say! I mean, I suppose if Khalid would open up his male ears and really give what they were saying a listen instead of listening to the women around him while his mind screams "Blah blah blah blah blah!", maybe he wouldn't think women were just stumbling around the city going, "Unnnnnhhhhhhhhhh!" Maybe if their mouths weren't wrapped up and gagged by the bandages of the Patriarchy, Khalid would be able to hear what they were saying! Maybe they're the most articulate and men are just cavemen who language not good for. Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to swing the pendulum that far to the other side and begin bashing men just to uplift women. We're all in this together! We need to lift everybody up together! You know what they say: A rising tide lifts all boats! Except, of course, for the boats with really short chains on their anchors. Those boats just get swamped by the rising tide and sink. I don't think you're supposed to think about that though when you hear the rising tide advice.

Khalid does mention that the "mummies" are "not ineffective." That's a compliment, right? I should use that one next time I see a woman accomplish something great. I'll be all, "Wow! You're totally not ineffective!"

Exhibit C: Just in case you didn't get the analogy from Exhibits A and Exhibits B! We can't all be Grandmaster Comic Book Readers! And by "we," I mean "you."

The women are completely overrunning the park while Dr. Fate tries to find Shaya, his girlfriend who won't have sex with him. That might be why he's so angry at women. She's all, "We need to be responsible and concentrate on medical school and we don't want any life choice mistakes messing up our plans!" And Khalid is all, "Come on. Just touch it!"

Meanwhile his neighbor Akila who can't think of anything but touching it is worming her way into his parents' hearts. So manipulative! She's pretending to be concerned about racism and organizing a march which she wants Khalid's parents to be involved in but it's so transparent that she's just trying to get Khalid's parents to like her so that they convince their son that she's the one he should marry. These mummies are so inarticulate and manipulative and frigid and whores too! Um, is what, um, Paul Levitz probably thinks based on what I'm reading here.

See? "Very adult work!" That's porn! Also note how sexist Mohammad Nassour is: "In these difficult times, we must be grateful to you women! Even if we don't want to be! Ptui!" He, um, was probably thinking.

Khalid, as Doctor Fate, saves Shaya and she's completely ungrateful. Not that she needs to be grateful or owes Doctor Fate anything like sex or whatever else women have of value. But it certainly shows Khalid's attitude toward Shaya. She treats him like shit during the entire rescue (perhaps because she finds him a bit presumptuous? And who needs to have some guy presuming shit right after you almost had your head ripped off by a mummy (or another woman, if I keep to the metaphor? Analogy? Transposition?) and all he can think after dropping her off is, "Well, she would have been sweet and not a total dick if she'd known it was me!"

The real Dr. Fate arrives to turn the women into dust which seems really misogynistic so maybe they were just mummies all along. Maybe I was just reading this story through the lens of my own sexism. Maybe I should work on my flaws instead of trying to point out those same flaws in other people. Maybe I should...what am I saying?! I'm an Internet denizen! The main reason to be on the Internet is to ignore your own flaws while pointing out or just plain making up flaws in other people! I'm fine!

And speaking of fine, this comic book has gotten way better than when it began although I still wouldn't really recommend it. Maybe if you're into Dr. Fate or you hate women. If you are, this comic book still hasn't ended. It's totally defying Rebirth!

Black Canary #12

The Review!
This is just The Last Temptation of Christ but starring Dinah Lance! At least it's shorter! And Brenden Fletcher's name is easier to spell than Nikolas Kazantzakis! Just a second while I consult Lord Google. Holy shit! I spelled the last name right! But I got the first name wrong. It's just Niko! But I bet that's short for Nikolas, right?!

The Commentary!
In this issue, Dinah Lance gets asked the stupidest question anybody can ever ask another person.

Stop judging me for not living my life the way you think I should be living it! I mean stop judging Dinah!

Nobody should ever feel obligated to live their life in a way somebody else expects them to. Even if they have a gift. Even if they have the ability to help others. Even if they could bring peace to the entire sodding world through some magic hoodoo. Nobody else has to live inside your own head. It's unfair to expect more than somebody is already giving. It's unfair to expect other people to view the world in the same way that you view it, and to act according to your desires, no matter how selfless or charitable your desires may be. We can only be who we are, and, in the end, we will only answer to ourselves. We can only answer to ourselves. And sometimes what we want is to not kick criminals in the teeth on a constant basis! Sometimes we just want to fucking sing!

But since Black Canary is a hero, I bet her singing is helping more than kicking people in the face! Somehow! It's, like, inspiring or something! It's making the world a better place! It has to be or else we're all going to judge her for only caring about herself and not others! How dare she!

Since the next scene is has another "One Year Later" tag, this must be Dinah's visions of her possible future as she lays dying with a katana in her gut. In her vision of the future as the lead singer of Black Canary, somebody (Izak Orato?) is convincing her that giving people joy is a noble way to live. But she doubts that because she remembers kicking people in the junk was an actual noble way to live! I don't mean I believe that but I think Dinah still believes that because she had all of that Team 7 brainwashing. I mean training.

Not that I think bringing people joy is a noble way to live either! Both ways are just ways to live. Nobility has nothing to do with any of them. Do what you want, Dinah! Stop being distracted and controlled by other people. I mean, you can even choose to just bleed out and stop struggling with your destiny, if you wanted to!

The Justice League can only be saved by roundhouses and leg sweeps?! Diana's subconscious has a really healthy self-esteem!

Black Canary's musical future begins to get bleaker and bleaker as she realizes at forty that she's become a commercial sellout. Her music reached a broader audience and her miserable little fans couldn't be any less happier for her! They accuse her of leaving her art behind to become a bland, moneymaking puppet! And, of course, her nemesis Ravedeath continues to wreak havoc on the world because she fell for his offer. Now she's a musician instead of a super hero and only her judo kicks can stop him!

Dinah tries to get Black Canary back together because her life has lost all meaning. I guess I was wrong about people choosing to live with their choices instead of being bullied by obligation! See what happens when you make the selfish choice? You wind up dying lonely and unloved! Except Dinah is already dying lonely and unloved and this is all in her imagination because she's really lying on a floor with a katana in her belly.

As all hallucinogenic temptations do, Dinah's passes in time and she returns to the present with the information she needs to create the proper future. She knows the Five Heavens Palm and means to use it on Izak to stop Ravedeath from destroying the universe. Although can you use hallucinations as evidence in your manslaughter trial? Won't Dinah just wind up in prison for killing a record producer?

Luckily Ravedeath decided to attack in demon form instead of human form. I think people are allowed to kill demons with karate moves. I suppose it was also self-defense. Whatever! Black Canary defeats the bad person and realizes she was never cut out to be the singer in a band! That's independent comic shit! She's a super hero!

So, you know, she quits the band and moves to Seattle. Which is great news! Not the Seattle part! The part about quitting the band. Because now Bo Maeve is the lead singer of Black Canary! The band just got five bajillion times better! And sexier! And mean-spiriteder! I love Bo! Hopefully the end of this comic doesn't mean the end of Bo.

Doctor Fate #13

This cover makes this comic seem far more fascinating than it really is.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue was a major letdown after the ending of the last issue where Kent Nelson said to Khalid, "I believe you have something of mine." Because this issue begins with Nelson telling Khalid to keep the thing that was his which was Fate's helmet! How dare he betray me like that?! Khalid wants to be a real doctor, not a magic doctor! Let him go back to school! Take the helmet away from him! Have sex with his neighbor, Akila! Do all of the things Khalid is afraid to do and just let Khalid's Doctor Fate fade into obscurity! Chalk this up to a failed attempt to cash in on the popularity of Ms. Marvel! Remember, DC, the next time you take advantage of a trend, first understand what the trend is! Sure, Kamala is Muslim and so is Khalid! But Kamala is likeable! Also likable if you prefer the American English spelling which I don't! Khalid is barely tolerable!

At least Kent Nelson is still playing the role of Doctor Fate. It's just he's doing it without the helmet of Thoth. That doesn't matter to me because Kent still wears a replica helmet of Thoth and the look is all that matters. If he's still magic and he still looks like Doctor Fate and he's still mysterious and interesting and sexually adept at pleasing people's horny neighbors, he's still my Doctor Fate! Khalid can go suck a rock!

Doctor Fate #12

Deez nuts!

The Review or Whatever!
All of Khalid's dreams (and mine!) are about to come true by the end of this issue as Kent Nelson arrives to take back the Helm of Fate! For twelve issues, Khalid has questioned his sanity and refused to be the hero Nabu was looking for. For twelve issues, he also refused to have sex with his neighbor, Akila. Constantly she was coming over and saying things like, "Khalid! Do you have time to plumb my gantry?" And Khalid would be all, "What? No? What are you talking about?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Could you come help me! My fertile crescent is flooding!" And Khalid would be all, "Maybe you're hallucinating. Leave me alone!" And she would be all, "Khalid! I have three fingers in and have started without you!" And Khalid would be all, "Do you have a concussion? What do I care about your fingers?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Put your cock inside my asshole!" And Khalid would be all, "I must be dreaming because I thought you just asked me to perform sodomy on you. Now stop calling me!"

You know what? Don't listen to anything in that last paragraph because I actually made this comic book sound way more interesting than it actually is. The reluctant hero bit can work but I think the hero has to realize that the things happening around them are really happening. The whole denial angle got old fast because how many times can you deny your sultry neighbor's sexual advances before the whole comic book just becomes totally unrealistic? Once only, I would think! Maybe Akila will have better luck getting Ken Nelson's pants off!

Superman: American Alien #7

In this issue, Superman goes crazy and burns his insignia into North America.

The Review!
A nice finish to a truly entertaining series. This is absolutely fan-fiction. People do understand that comic books have been fan-fiction for at least half a century, right? The only difference between "professional" fan-fiction and amateur fan-fiction is being accepted and published by the publishers. You can't even point to quality although, due to the quantity (and the knowledge of people who think they can write's writing), I'd have to say a large percentage of fan-fiction isn't that great. But then how is that a real criticism of amateur fan-fiction when a large percentage of "professional" fan-fiction isn't great? You can tell some writers simply want to be known as writers and managed to worm their way into the business without really knowing or loving the characters they're now in charge of. That's most telling when somebody like Max Landis comes along who obviously loves the medium and the characters and has been a fan of them for years. He knows what makes Superman work on a level surpassing his physical abilities. He knows what makes Lobo so disturbing. He hasn't just been handed the task to write a story about Superman or (Twat) Lobo or Aquaman and gone and done his own thing while ignoring the reasons people feel so bound up in these characters. If any series was a strong argument as to how DC mishandled The New 52, it was this series. Because this series also gave us a rebooted version of how Superman may have gotten his start, and various points along that youthful journey. But it also maintained within the character and the universe all of the ephemeral beliefs about Superman that the reader retains from DC's past. I recognize this Superman as being as authentic a Superman as has been written. In seven issues, Max Landis made me happy to read Superman stories. In fifty-two issues of DC's regular Superman title, all I managed to be was angry and disappointed. Please,, DC, more of this Superman.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Valkyrie". I guess that means the theme will be Superman escorting a bunch of people to Valhalla? I suppose it was my own stupidity that led me to think every issue of this series was going to be named after a bird. It's now obvious it was simply named after creatures with wings. I'm assuming Valkyries have wings since I've never met one. I've also never met an angel. I feel that needed to be said since the last issue was called "Angel" and I never questioned whether or not angel's have wings. Explicitly stating I've never met a Valkyrie made it seem like perhaps I had met an angel. To repeat, I have not. I am not a loony cuckoo bird American with an average intelligence. Do you like how I formed that sentence?! It makes it seem like maybe I'm not an American nor do I have average intelligence while explicitly stating I'm not a loony cuckoo bird! But it's not true. I am an American. Although the intelligence bit isn't true because I have something other than an average intelligence. I won't say any more so that you think I mean I have a higher intelligence.

This issue begins with the revelation that American Alien Superman has been sleeping with Lois Lane. I still don't understand how Clark Kent has sex. I don't mean his semen should come out of his penis like a shotgun and blow a hole through his partner's midsection (although that's probably what should be happening). I mean how does he feel anything? If he's invulnerable and he can't feel pain (unless it's some cosmic menace which makes Superman say things like "I actually felt that!" which totally proves my point about him not usually feeling anything) then how does he feel sexual pleasure? Being inside of Lois Lane's vagina is probably exactly like not being inside Lois Lane's vagina. If it's true that Superman can't feel anything (which it is because I've declared it based on years of reading comic books) then he's either faking orgasm or he's simply aroused to the point of ejaculation by the thought of having sex with Lois Lane. I can believe that but only for the first few encounters with her. After Clark has spent enough time devirginized, he's hardly going to blow his load at just the thought of putting his penis inside of a lady. He's going to need some hand work and maybe a little oral and then perhaps some digital stimulation of the asshole. And if he can't feel anything, how is he going to know Lois has a finger up his bum? Hell, Lois would be in danger of losing that finger if he clenched up! I just don't buy any scenario in which Clark could enjoy having sex with a human woman unless he was wearing a Kryptonite cock ring.

While texting Jimmy all the sordid details of his pretend sexcapade with Lois (it must be pretend, as my previous paragraph proves), Clark learns that a building in downtown Metropolis has exploded. The culprit is not a Valkyrie.

Although I imagine Lobo has escorted his fair share of warriors to the afterlife.

With the appearance of Real Deal Lobo here, I realize that Rebirth has given DC a chance to rectify the missteps by introducing Twat Lobo to their fans. If they were smart (they aren't), DC would use the story I outlined that Real Deal Lobo is just future Twat Lobo who realized he was going through a really dopey mod slash emo phase. Twat Lobo must have a binder full of really awful poetry, right? Or maybe Lobo doesn't feel his mod/emo phase was dopey at all and just gets fucked up and hits the skids really hard after overdosing on that drug near the end of the Twat Lobo series. Or what about my other idea that Twat Lobo was a clone that formed when Lobo didn't properly clean up after masturbating all over a modern art exhibit? With Lobo's power to create clones from a single drop of blood (or semen (or pre-cum)), DC could put out a monthly Lobo series with a different Lobo clone whose personality is based on wherever the clone formed. Although I think that might be stealing the entire plot of Neal Obermeyer's Planarian Man.

Superman tries to have a conversation with Lobo. All that's going to do is introduce Clark to phrases like "Feetal's Gizz", "Son of a Bastich", "Frag a frag frag frag!", and "Have you ever tasted your own prostate?" Clark may have think he's seen evil before (and he may have) but I doubt he's yet to see apathetic violence done for whatever. This encounter is really going to confuse the Blue and Red Boy Scout.

Here, Lobo does a better impression of Superman than New 52 Superman ever did of Superman.

This attitude displayed by Lobo is perfect. This is how Superman should treat nearly every encounter he has with any criminal on Earth. I don't mean he should be threatening in any kind of deadly or violent way. But he should remain calm and rational because he knows he yields all the power. There's no need to immediately rush in swinging fists and blasting people with heat vision. Lobo displays the calm, rational patience here that I expect out of Superman at all times. "Look, criminals. I cannot be hurt. I have so much power that Marvel Fangenders regularly blow their hate-load over me. I'm in total control of this situation and I refuse to destroy a single piece of property around me proving it to you. Either you walk away now or I transport you quick as a wink to the Salt Flats where I will beat you as hard as you need beating until you realize a career in crime in Metropolis is futile. Best to try your hand at Gotham, although you'll get far less leniency from the protector of that city."

I also like the threat that Lobo brings to bear here. As Lobo says (and I said earlier with my vague reference to Lobo's cavalier attitude to death and violence), this is a new thing for Superman. It isn't just Lobo's power that is new to Superman. It's his general attitude to death and destruction. Lobo should be presented as Superman's opposite not because Lobo rivals Superman's power but because they're philosophies are diametrically opposed (that's a geometry metaphor!). Lobo should scare Superman shitless not because Lobo can take as many punches as Superman can deliver but because Lobo doesn't give a fig about the lives of others. Ma and Pa Kent could never have taught Clark about somebody like Lobo because they could never have imagined somebody so cruel, vicious, and unsympathetic to any other being (except maybe a dog, a few space dolphins, and maybe some penguins).

Lobo realizes Clark is a Kryptonian and gleefully reveals that Krypton exploded five hundred years ago (Superman is old!).

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time.

I've learned from this series that comic book companies need to stop thinking that any "professional" comic book writer is a good fit to write any comic book. You know who needs to write comic books? People who are fucking fans of comic books and have been for most of their lives. Why do you think Grant Morrison writes such iconic shit? Because he loves the medium and the characters and the ideals and all of that other bullshit. Max Landis has obviously read all of the Lobo stuff that I read growing up and he encapsulates it all in this simple exchange with Superman. Not only does he have no respect for the lives (or deaths) of others but he takes pure joy in his disrespect. Max Landis doesn't use Lobo like other writers in the past have, bringing him in simply to show Superman can pummel the hardest motherfucker in the DC Universe. He brings in Lobo to scare the shit out of Superman that somebody this callous can actually exist in the universe. If I knew what poignant meant, I might use it here incorrectly. Or correctly. The key point being I don't know what poignant means.

Eight pages in and this is my favorite Lobo/Superman conflict ever.

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time. Did I say that already?

Of course, this turns into a brawl. It has to! Superman has to, ultimately, show threats from outer space that he has the muscle to fill his goody two shoes. That's kind of a mixed-up metaphor and a gross image. Superman also manages to say "ass" on live television. Shocking!

The brawl is quite entertaining. Superman needed an early-in-his-career match against Lobo to learn about fighting dirty. It's not like Pa would have taught him it was okay to kick an opponent in the balls, or blindside them with a parking meter, or burn their thumbs off with your heat vision as they try to gouge out your eyes. This battle is an important life lesson!

Superman finishes the fight by throwing Lobo back where he came from. But Lobo is leaving without his space hawg so it might take him awhile to get back. Superman, on the other hand, has just enough time to get back into his Clark Kent costume before he passes out from swelling in the brain.

Later, Lois admits that she loves Clark Kent because they're meant to be together or something. Whatever. Blah, blah, love, blah, blah.

Was the Valkyrie part of this story the part where Superman escorts Lobo into space? Or was it the Lois part where she helps Clark not wind up in Valhalla? Is that part of their job too? Oh wait! I know the answer because the title is supposed to represent the role Superman is playing. I think. I mean, I guess Abin Sur could have been the Angel from last issue, right?!

Black Canary #11

Is the cover supposed to look scuffed or did I just get a shitty copy?!

The Review or Whatever!
In this issue, Black Canary fights a vampire or something. It doesn't go well and she winds up alone and unloved with a katana sticking through her. Although Ditto shows up to tell her that she's never been alone or some syrupy bullshit. This just feels like a story desperately searching for an ending in the small amount of time it has left. And this review is desperately searching for a way to not have to go any further than this sentence.

Doctor Fate #11

Where's Perry White when you need him?

The Review!
I accidentally purchased two copies of this issue because my local comic book store is either full of sadists or smart ass practical jokers. Last week, I didn't consult my list of new comics closely enough and just made sure the number of comic books was the same as the number I was expecting. Lo and behold, it was! But I should have known something was up because Black Canary came out that week and my comic book store never fucking puts Black Canary into my subscription box. Instead they put in another copy of this fucking book. I don't mind taking the $2.24 (after discount!) hit. What I'm really worried about is that DC will think that this book sold more copies than it really should have and think that it's gaining in popularity! I suppose that won't happen since the book was already purchased by my book store and that's all that matters. Fuckers just figured out a way to get this shit out of their inventory by pawning it off on me! Bastards. Do I really need a proper review after the previous statements? I believe I've made my opinion on this book clear.

Black Canary #10

Is this the cover of Black Canary's new album, Zombie Batgirl?

The Review!
I'm not forgetting that you owe me four pages of Black Canary comic book, DC Comics! Until then, I refuse to give a proper review of this comic book which is aimed at the type of people who describe every musical act with a hodgepodge of terms to make themselves seem more knowledgeable about music. "Tattered Cumrags is like a synth 80s basement pseudo-rockabilly post-prepunk skat (that's a type of ska scat, of course!) garage funk-jazz combo death-ballad deal with the most authentic stage act I've ever been seen enjoying. You should read my review on my music blog!" In much the way that I like this new hip style of comic book in the pages of Batgirl, I can't stand it in the pages of Black Canary. I might still roll my eyes whenever Batgirl's creative team tries to make the comic book like a video game or shows her shopping at artsy toy stores full of anime and record albums, or expresses how social contact through technology is literally the most important thing to young people, or overuses the word literally, but I still enjoy the characters and the stories. Or should I say "story" since every story has been somebody trying to steal Batgirl's mind or identity. But when this comic book does any of those things, I just can't stop making jerking off motions with both hands and maybe even one of my feet. This comic is like a man who cultivates a beard and uses oils on it and feels proud of it when all he's really done is not fucking shave. I resent young people with beards. It makes my appearance seem calculated and pretentious when it's really just that I can't fucking be bothered with staying kempt anymore.

Okay, fine. My facial hair is on point. Or are we still saying on fleek? Okay fine. I've never said that in my life. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

The Commentary
This issue begins with Babs and Grumps checking out Black Canary videos on whatever the DC You calls YouTube which I would never acknowledge even if I could remember what they call it. So right from the start, I'm making jerking off motions all over the place. Although in the video, Black Canary's boobs are fleeking the fuck out, so I'm enjoying that much, at least. Plus the comic begins to read like a Batgirl book anyway so maybe I'm coming around on this Black Canary thing. As long as she stays away from the music scene, I might be able to enjoy reading this comic book (even though it still owes me four pages).

I can't even imagine how that mistake in the last panel comes about. At first glance, it seems obvious that the word balloons are on the wrong characters. But why would Moritat have drawn Grump Canary so happy and Barbara looking so pissed? Except wait! The one in the back actually is Grump Canary! You can tell by her lack of lips and her cuffed trousers. But then why is she suddenly wearing Barbara's shirt and sporting Babs's hair color? It's not like Moritat was using an inker who might have fucked it up and sketched in some changes. Can the colorist make changes like that? Is this Lee's fault completely?! Not to mention the editors who let this panel through!

Oh wait! I found Grump Canary's lips!

How did she do that? Was she just sucking them in the entire time?!

Just when I thought I was going to enjoy this Batgirlized version of Black Canary, the duo go to stop some guy named Mad Wax who is robbing a record store. OH MY GOD THIS COMIC IS SO COOL IT TAKES PLACE IN A RECORD STORE FUCK ME ARGLE BARGLE!

Mad Wax recognizes Grump Canary as D.D. and flips the fuck out because it allows him to use words like "amazing" and "E.P." I hate him. I especially hate Mad Wax because how does he afford henchmen when he's merely stealing records? It would probably be more profitable if he worked alone and instead of stealing records, he just used his encyclopedic knowledge of them to find rare tracks being sold in record stores that don't know any better and then selling them online for a huge profit. I guess that wouldn't be cool enough. Who would take his weekend DJing gig seriously if he was just a record buyer and not a Gotham super-villain!

Grump Canary is in town to do some research with Batgirl's help. It's all in the name of figuring out what happened to Dinah's mom and why Dinah's aunt is now the leader of a Ninja Death Cult and how Vixen might be tied into it all as well. And then Moritat's six pages of art end and I lose about 30% of my interest in reading the comic book. No offense to Sandy but I fucking love Moritat's art.

The rest of the story is a fight between Grump Canary and an electric ninja looking to learn the Five Heavens Palm technique created by Dinah's mom. But Dinah doesn't know it so the electric ninja kills herself for nothing. Afterward, Dinah discovers her band is in Berlin and playing in a club that's owned by some guy who is tied into the mystery of Dinah's mom's death. So it's back to Germany next month!

Doctor Fate #10

Doctor Fate isn't quite as imposing as he used to be.

Rating: Still ranked at 43 out of 51 DC Comics. This is one of those DC Comics where I'm just waiting for it to end. The entire premise seems to be "What if Doctor Fate were a boring, risk-averse medical student who lived at home with his parents?" It seems strange that nobody could have answered that question with "everybody would be bored" before putting out ten issues of this slog. How does DC not know that what sells is adorableness? You know the kinds of characters people wind up thoroughly loving? The kind who they either want to be or want to fuck (sometimes both!). And I don't mean "fuck" literally. I suppose I could have said "have some kind of weird crush on" but then I'd still have to explain further that the crush doesn't necessarily have to be romantic either and that sometimes it's just a strange longing to be near the character that you don't quite understand. I figured it would be easier to just say fuck.

• I couldn't remember what was happening in this comic book until I turned to the first page. And then I only vaguely remembered what the current plot was. The things I remember are these: Khalid won't fuck the neighbor who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid won't fuck his girlfriend who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid didn't really give a fuck about his cat drowning in the flood. Those are also three reasons why I don't like this Doctor Fate.

• Doctor Fate has discovered that Egyptian ghosts are keeping people prisoner beneath the Egyptian Consulate. Although the way the comic has been going, maybe "discovered" is too strong a word. It's more likely that he believes he's hallucinating the ghosts and the prisoners and the helmet and his entire life. Also he might believe he's dreaming it or he's gone insane. Accepting reality isn't one of his strong suits.

See? Insanity! While I've got a few people's attention, I'd like to point out that color fade in the Narration Boxes of DC Comics? It might be my own ego and narcissistic tendencies but I'm fairly certain DC made that change during The New 52 because they got tired of my photoshopped Narration Boxes making their way around the internet and making their characters look like idiots. Not that it's stopped me. It's just more difficult to swap letters around when the background is a gradient and not a solid color.

• Doctor Fate is battling the ghosts in the basement of the Egyptian Consulate. So when he brings the roof down to crush some ghosts, it shows he hasn't thought about a single aspect of this battle.

• While Doctor Fate battles ghosts to save some protesters, the two women who want to be in his bed are desperately trying to find him. Maybe the earlier flood was a metaphor for the desire of these women? Have I been missing the entire subtext of this comic book?! Is it more fascinating than I realized? Is everything Khalid going through a metaphor for becoming an adult with responsibilities and sexual partners and leaving the toys of childhood behind? Probably not.

• Doctor Fate frees the protesters but is then caught by Roman ghosts and taken before Caeser's Ghost to be punished. I suppose this is probably just another dream.

• I would go back through this series and read it as a young man navigating the path to adulthood but I found it too boring to read the first time through. At one point in this issue, his father says, "[Khalid] is much too busy changing...becoming American...a doctor...whatever he'll be." Later he goes within himself, seeing glimpses of his family's past, and thinks, "But I'm mom too...why isn't any of that in me...or any of my own time, my own world...America...". So see? There's evidence that this is all a metaphorical trip into adulthood and one's own sense of self. I suppose if I were getting paid for this, I'd spend a few work days rereading Doctor Fate and writing about it from this angle. But I'm not so I'll just go back to waiting for this comic book to end.

Black Canary #9

What the fuck is that chain attached to?

Rating: I have a complex relationship with this comic book (if you define "complex" as "simple and petty" (which I totally do)). It's currently 32 of 51 and I'm dropping it two ranks to 34 of 51 because several issues ago, DC published it with only sixteen pages of content. Unless I feel like giving it the benefit of the doubt for the two pages that were just that Burnside Fanzine! But I don't! So DC still owes me for four pages of comic book! Until they make good on the debt, I have no other option than to lower the ranking of this comic book month after month. Even if I love Moritat's artwork!

• Black Canary took a weird time travel turn an issue or two ago. And then it did some thing where Dinah was now battling her aunt or something in Germany. It's hard to remember because I haven't been keeping adequate notes on the comic books I've been reading lately. Which is why I need these bullet points! Because I'm fucking old and can't remember anything, okay?! Plus I don't have the fanatical need to know everything about every character that I enjoy reading about. Not that Black Canary fits into that category. I mean, I do know an awful lot about Sailor Moon and Vampire Tig and Maps Mizoguchi. Not in a fan way! In a desperately weird way that I'm going to pretend isn't sexual at all.

• The artist forgot to draw the microphone.

• The previous picture looks like something an adult would be overly proud of having colored.

• After that first page, the comic begins "two hours earlier." Why? Why not just skip that page with Black Canary's face that says nothing and means nothing and simply begin the comic book at the "two hours earlier" part but say "Now"? This is the kind of shit that somebody should be giving TED Talks on! Stop fucking wasting the first few pages of a comic book by having some kind of exciting bullshit splash page that's just going to be repeated later when the story finally gets around to that part of itself. Black Canary has wasted more pages than any comic book DC has released in The New 52.

• The last bullet point reminded me that this comic book still owes me four pages. I forgot I'm giving it negative rankings until I either get a refund on the comic book that was short four pages or DC adds four more pages to one of these comic books.

• I should also mention that this comic book has fallen behind schedule. It's so unprofessional!

• This issue is a flashback story because the creative team must want to watch the world burn. Get your act together and make a deadline, assholes! Now I have to read some other creative team's take on Black Canary in their early days (which was about three weeks ago, I think?)! At least Moritat is the artist. I love Moritat.

Oh, I'm so fucking impressed! You know all the words to four fucking songs! Wow! Impressive!

• Sometimes I get really snotty with fictional characters.

• Why would the guest writer of Black Canary mock the kinds of fans who probably love the comic book Black Canary? That seems counterproductive! Like pissing in the wind! I mean an upwind wind. Pissing in a downwind wind is all kinds of cool.

• Pissing in the wind isn't actually a good example of something that is counterproductive. That's just an example of my bad writing skills.

• Black Canary is playing a teenaged girl's birthday party because they're really popular but not so popular as to be uncool and mainstream but just popular enough to have rabid fans and also not so popular that they can't pass up a birthday gig.

• Tobias Whale shows up because he's creepily attending teenaged girls' birthday parties. So Black Canary tries to kick him in his fat face. I approve.

• He literally has a fat face so fuck you if you're insulted by that, you fat facers.

• I just reread that last bullet point and I think I hurt my own feelings.

• Black Canary finds out that little Julia is Carmine Falcone's granddaughter. I was wondering why Algebra Madden had an "F" on her belt buckle! I thought it stood for "Fuck me in my fat face."

• Her face isn't literally fat so that was probably uncalled for. It's a little bit chubby because that's Moritat's style. But it makes her fat face so much more fuckable.

• "Fucking faces" sounds like just about the sexiest thing in the whole world. After carrot cake.

• Other creepy male adult motherfuckers who go to teenaged girls' birthday parties? Professor Pyg. Hugo Strange. Black Mask. Me.

• This is an appropriate reaction to somebody trying to chat you up.

• To be fair, the guy in the above caption is probably a criminal and a murderer. To be a different kind of fair, my caption for the above photo doesn't have to be read sarcastically. I bet some people totally didn't even read it that way the first time!

• Black Canary discovers that a bunch of assassins were hired to kill the teenaged girl at her own birthday party. That's the second worst thing to happen to a teenaged girl's birthday party! The worst is when her parents insist on chaperoning!

• Black Canary sticks around to stop all of the hitmen while she sings and dances.

• See! See! I knew the artist forgot the microphone!

• One of the hitmen is the boy Julia the teenaged girl has a crush on. When Dinah kicks his ass, Julia decides she hates Black Canary. That's fine! Black Canary is totally an old person's band anyway. Life is so over at 26.

• Black Canary doesn't get paid and she accepts that bullshit because she's tired of kicking people in the face, I guess.

• This story is called "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want". That sentence doesn't describe quite how sour the look on my face is having to type it.

Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Shuperman fought hish twin made of shand,
Even though it wash not what he'd planned.
He made it go FWASH!
And it turned into glash.
I'm sho drunk I hardly can shtand.

I was going to argue against this because obviously the internet is only in places it can physically be stored but fuck me if we aren't really awash in it constantly thanks to wi-fi. I think that means we're all constantly covered in porn.

Way back when Clark's parents both died,
It was the first time that he realized,
Going to prom
Was what killed his mom
And he never was devirginized.

The message from Uncle Ben was more clear
Than the deaths of the people Clark held dear.
When Spider-man fled,
Ben wound up dead,
And then that thing about power I won't quote here.

The point I was trying to explain,
Before I was interrupted by my brain:
Jimmy's near passing
Had Superman asking,
"Do I cause all of my loved ones pain?"

That fucking Yurei is so fired!

That's probably enough limericks for now. I know it's tough to read so much highbrow art all at once so I'll bring the level of intellectual work you have to do as a reader down a few notches.

Hordr_root attacks Superman on Superman's new home turf, the House of Mythbrawl! That seems like a stupid idea which means it must be part of Hordr_root's incomprehensible plan! Superman and his Supergodfriends trap Hordr_root inside a wi-fi proof bubble so that he can't escape and Superman beats his ass. Finally! Now he just needs to unmask him! Although does he really? All he needs to do is find the internet troll that throws "sort of" into the middle of all of his sentences.

Superman doesn't kill Hordr_root even though he has the chance because...well, let's face it. He was never going to kill him no matter how many gods were cheering him on to do just that. But Hordr_root was hoping Superman would kill him because he had taken over Jimmy Olsen's body. Condesa sucks Hordr_root out of Jimmy's body and locks him in a portable drive with no Bluetooth. Does that mean this is the end of the Hordr_root story? I suppose Superman still has to find out how to get his power back from the Quarmers. That probably means it's time to interview Hordr_root.

Superman takes the hard drive to Mister Terrific for safe keeping. Does that mean Hordr_root becomes Brother Eye? Probably!

Jimmy soon realizes he has Hordr_root's memories. It turns out the original Hordr_root was one of Vandal Savage's children. But he was confined to a wheelchair and Vandal wouldn't accept him because of his physical limitations. So Hordr_root created a Frankenstein's monster version of himself and downloaded his personality into it. But it decided it wanted to be the only Hordr_root.

Vandal Savage is behind it all. And he's been planning to defeat Superman for 2000 years! Or something ridiculous. I forget exactly. But it was probably stupid.

Vandal Savage pays a visit to Mister Terrific and steals back his son. Hopefully this story will finish up in the Superman annual although I think it's going to drag out until Issue #50.

Superman #47 Rating: No change. I'm more than burned out on every Superman story revolving around his loss of power. Can Superman just get his powers back? Then stop writing stories where the conflict is how his powers are used against him or taken away from him. How about writing Superman stories where the fact that he has powers is inconsequential? I mean, not totally! He should still be Superman! But can he face some kind of conflict or dilemma where he doesn't have to lose his powers to make fixing the problem harder? Make the problem something that his powers can't easily fix! And don't make that some alien that's stronger than Superman so that Superman gets punched and says, "I actually felt that!" I'm so tired of that line. Exhausted by it! Be original, assholes!

Doctor Fate #6

I can't believe this many previous Doctor Fates were less capable than the reluctant tool currently wearing the helmet.

I know I'm going to be so bored reading this comic book that I should probably read something even more boring beforehand so it feels exciting and fresh. Come here, poetry of Rudyard Kipling! Let's see..."The Nurses" seems to be a salute to the ten thousand hours principle where the nurse, engineer, and ship's captain all use only forty percent of their brain when performing their tasks, saving the entire brain power for when things really get out of control, like when the nurse has to shake the baby to be quiet or the engineer is being screamed at by his boss and runs the train off the rails, or when the ship's captain is shitting himself because he hit that iceberg and his stupid fucking brain is expending 100% of its power screaming, "Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships!"

I also use only forty percent of my brain! Some people think that's a lot but then they're idiots who believe all of that shit about people only utilizing twelve percent of their brain power or whatever fucking bullshit number they've heard. It would seem stupid of evolution to continue to expand the powers of our brain while not allowing us to actually access any of that power unless we take a magic fantasy pill. What would be the point?! How would brains that have more abilities that can't be tapped somehow allow for better chances at passing along that person's big, useless brain genes?! Unless it's tied to a genetic marker for big cocks! That would totally be understandable.

Oh shut up, you Coast to Coast AM listeners! I hear you fucking mumbling under your breath at me! Saying stupid shit about how maybe we used to use more of our brain power when we were all magic fairy shaman bastards in touch with the reality that isn't really a reality because just fucking look around you, asshole! Now, I'm certain there is more to this universe than we know. That seems obvious since science still doesn't have answers for everything and mysteries are still all around us. But here's the thing, you illogical rodents. Just because you come up with a theory in your head about why something science doesn't understand is the way it is, that doesn't make your theory true. Or even possibly true. Or even not complete fucking nonsense. Your theories are not scientific theories. Your theories are what is called "idle speculation." I don't listen to Coast to Coast AM anymore because of that "AM" part. My car radio has decided to go with the life philosophy of "What the fuck is AM? That sounds fake." But I still do listen to Art Bell! Recently a woman called up and said something like, "You know how DNA has all those genes that nobody knows what they do and so they're referred to as junk DNA? Well, I have a theory that they house the memories of all of our past lives!" Luckily the guest was Dr. Michio Kaku so he could point out how many fucking neurons and connections in the brain it takes to store memories and how little actual information can be housed on our genes. He was definitely more diplomatic than I would have been since my answer would have been simply laughing for five minutes.

On a related note, I had to ask Lord Google Michio Kaku's name because I'm horrible at remembering names. Luckily Lord Google is just the right percentage of racist that I could simply type in "Japanese physicist" and Lord Google is all, "Oh. You mean Michio! Here's his complete bio since that's obviously the person you were asking about. Tut tut!"

The next Rudyard Kipling poem I'm going to read is called "We and They". But I just had enough minor racism in my night thanks to Lord Google (I'm not owning my own part in figuring "Japanese physicist" would obviously be enough information to get the right name!), so I'd better just set the poetry book down and deal with Kipling's thoughts of "we" and "they" later. For now, Doctor Fate!

Previously, nothing much fucking happened. Khalid got a helmet. Khalid spent five issues thinking his strawberry milk was spiked with LSD. Then he went blind and his nemesis--a stray dog--has gone off to drown the world. I predict Doctor Fate continues to believe he's dreaming and the world will end while the neighbor lady masturbates furiously.

Or did it heal you?! Maybe you just imagined it! Or the injury! Or everything?!

Khalid can't even put the helmet on his head. What this comic book teaches is that you don't have to be a hero to eventually not be a hero. Just fucking give up and remain a weak, boring asshole. But if you choose to do that, I have a suggestion to make! Don't make a comic book about it!

Oh fuck you! Accept your stupid fate, Doctor Dumbfuck!

This guy doesn't deserve to be enrolled in any college which believes in science. I can understand disbelieving some stuff when your world goes completely wonky. But day after day of this bullshit with talking cats and floating helmets and murderous dogs and world ending floods and did I mention the helmet also talks as well as flies? I get it. This is pretty crazy shit. If it were happening in the real world! But this is taking place in the DC Youniverse! I have to imagine that Khalid has heard of a few superheroes over the last eight or nine years, right?! He has to understand that his universe has a place for magic and weirdness! I can't accept a person in the DC Youniverse who is as cynical and stubborn as I am in this, the probably real, universe! It's like zombie movies where everybody is all, "Aaah! What is happening? The dead are walking! What should we call them that isn't the word everybody has been calling them for years?!" At least in Shaun of the Dead, they knew about fucking zombies! I mean, they knew about "fucking as an intensifier" zombies and not "fucking as let's have intimate relationships with these" zombies.

Paul Levitz has no idea what he's doing with this comic book. There. I said it. I have no based-in-evidence faith in him! For five issues, Khalid has refused to recognize what is happening around him. It's the same story over and over again. I feel like I've purchased the same book five times in a row. Just like you're probably thinking, "It feels like I've read the same paragraph five times so far in this commentary!" Well, fuck you! You're going to read that ad nauseam (if that means what I think it means. It could mean "becoming sick over stupid fucking advertisements") until this book changes!

Here's an example of how Levitz just keeps treading water or vamping or buying time or whatever he's doing that keeps him repeating the same shit over and over. On page two, Khalid tries to pick up the helmet and put it on. He fails and falls down in the rain. On page three, Khalid wakes up in the dark, determines maybe he's dreaming or hallucinating (again!), and decides to put on the helmet. He's successful this time although why couldn't he have been successful on page two? Because he was in the wrong location and Levitz merely wanted to mysteriously move him into his bedroom between pages? With the helmet on his head, he can see again. When he takes it off, he's blind. Is that finally going to be the reason Khalid decides to keep the fucking helmet on his head?! Did Paul Levitz finally come up with a way to coerce his main character to be the title superhero?! As opposed to, you know, having Khalid excited about being a superhero?!

If you haven't noticed, I think this book is terrible. Everybody probably thinks this book is terrible. If you don't think it's terrible, you're terrible.

Khalid's dad also finds himself at home because that's where everybody needs to be for the story to not continue to have a plot.

Oh fucking gross. Knock it off! It's not that I'm against old people having sex! Or mixed race intimate relationships (or the type of person who would have even noticed the mixed race aspect of their relationship if...um...my racist neighbor hadn't just come by to borrow a cup of sugar and looked over my shoulder and said that horrible thing he said that I didn't even understand because I'm so not racist!)! But I am against somebody's parents fucking on the couch in the middle of the living room when their son might come down at any moment!

Khalid decides to keep the helmet on so that he can see while he takes a test online. He somehow copes just fine with floating books and magic eyesight. His girlfriend, Soon-to-be-Hawkgirl, continues to try to get him to protest stuff while his neighbor is still trying to fuck him. I understand why he doesn't want to bother with going out in the flood to protest but his neighbor is right down the hall! Someday (like when his girlfriend breaks up with him because he doesn't care enough about the world), Khalid is going to regret never banging the neighbor. She wants it so badly!

Meanwhile, Anubis the Stray Dog continues to destroy the world. He can't do it fast enough, in my opinion (which isn't humble at all because it's the greatest).

It's been time for five previous issues! What makes anybody think he's going to rise to the occasion this time?

Khalid chooses to confront Anubis but only after a factory falls on him. I think that finally gets him angry enough to go kick the shit out of that stray dog. Except it doesn't. He does choose to lecture it though. "Why are you being so meeeeeaaaaaan?!" To which Anubis answers, "SUCK EYE LASERS, DOUCHETER FATE!"

Meanwhile Khalid's parents continue to soil the couch. Ugh. At least I know my mother never soiled the couch in this way since I'm not sure she's had sex since I was conceived. Hmm. That's kind of sad. But I bet my sister soiled the couch with one of her gross boyfriends! Ew! Although I guess that's fair because I'm sure I masturbated on it while pausing some titty shot on a VHS copy of The Clan of the Cave Bear. Seriously though, my mom should have been grossed out by that entire house by the time I got through puberty.

The book ends with, at the very least, Doctor Fate trying to defeat Anubis. Of course he fails and the giant stray dog eats him. It's too bad this wasn't a six issue mini-series because I would be satisfied with this comic book ending this way.

Doctor Fate #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. Nobody needs to be reading this comic book. Nothing is happening. Reality is constantly being denied. A stray dog runs amok unhindered. Khalid's neighbor lies in bed throbbing and wet with the anticipation of a cock that is too busy being attached to a loser. I suppose if somebody was a big enough asshole to defend this comic book, they could point out that Doctor Fate and Anubis do finally battle at the end of this issue. But I would answer thus: "Um. what? I wasn't paying attention. You said 'Doctor Fate' and I just tuned out. Sorry." My recommendation to Doctor Fate fans is to stop reading this comic book and just wait until DC decides to reboot Doctor Fate in a more exciting incarnation. At this point, "more exciting" could mean that he simply gets a job delivering pizzas.

Catwoman #46

Tweety Bird's feet look like vaginas. I think.

This Catwoman comic book's theme should be based on this piece of mail I received when I was nineteen years old from a girl I had a huge crush on for years but had recently decided to cut off all contact with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tess
Hi. Yeh, it's me. I know yer pissed at me + think I'm a bitch. Until last night I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think I've got it. :( Tess why haven't ya said anything to me? Why did ya just avoid me + not bring it up to me?! I know I don't do everyting right, O.K. I rarely do anything right. But shit Tess it's me, everyone should except that all I know how to do is fuck up. Are you ever gonna forgive me? None of this is comin' out like I wanted. I'm not even gettin' out what I wanna say. I know I should be talkin' to ya in person but I can't. For one I never see ya + for two, I'm basically a chickenshit. I can see why ya could/are mad about it but why? I mean why did it piss ya off so much, I mean shit, ya said so yourself on the way to the Poison concert; you don't care what I do! Fuck Tess it hurts like hell for ya to be so pissed at me, but what the hell can I do? I can't take it back, I can't change the fact it happened; it's done + over w/ already. I could apologize + say it won't happen again, but I don't think that'de help + I'm more than apt to fuck up + do it (or something similar) again later on in life and that'de make it worse. Well shit, I'm sure yer still as pissed as before, but all I can say is I'm sorry! Bye.
Otessa (A.K.A. Bitch)

After getting this letter, I hugged Otessa the next time I saw her and maybe apologized. Twenty plus years later and I still have no idea what she was apologizing for or why she thought I was mad at her. I wonder if she killed somebody! I really was just cutting myself off because she didn't love me and I loved her and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The most embarrassing part of this letter (for both of us!) is that it mentions how we went to a Poison concert. Holy crap I got wasted at that concert. I did tell her I don't care what she does but that was kind of like the moment at the end of Harry and the Hendersons where John Lithgow tells Bigfoot that he doesn't really want to sleep with him at all and actually doesn't care what he does because Lithgow knows that Harry will never sleep with him anyway. So instead he drank a pint of Jack Daniels and then acted like an obnoxious jerk in the mosh pit at the Poison concert. It's probably a good thing I barely remember that show.

Don't need nothing! But a good time! How can I resist?! Don't need nothing! But a good time! And it don't get better than this! PUKE!

This issue begins with Eiko having a party in which the surprise guest is DEATH! Death to all of the heads of the families at the party! It sounds like it's going to be a pretty shitty party. It sounds like it's almost going to be as bad as the party my cousin threw for a bunch of her twelve year old friends where I (fourteen years old) lip-synched to nearly the entirety of Huey Lewis's album, "Fore!" Holy shit that's more embarrassing than admitting I went to a Poison concert! Worse yet, I was wearing the kind of funky Hawaiian shirt that isn't Hawaiian at all but sort of hangs like one but had shapes and wavy lines and pastels in the way 80s shirts had those things? None of them kissed me at all during that party.

Stephanie Brown doesn't like the idea that the party is about killing people because she just wants to meet a cute guy and say, "Spoiler alert! I want your dick inside of me!"

I tawt I saw a pussy twat! I did! I did see a pussy twat!

Stephanie Brown learns that somebody else came along and shot Bill Turner in the face after she thought she'd killed him by closing her eyes, turning her head, and slapping at him wildly. Don't side-eye me like that! That's how girl's fight! I should know because I've fought my fair share of them! Mostly I pick fights with women just so I can feel some skin to skin contact with them. It's heavenly! Sometimes when they pin me to the ground and pound me in the face over and over again, they don't realize how exciting it is that they're straddling me! I'm pretty sure that counts as having had sex, right?

Catwoman rushes off to stop crash Eiko's party but she's too late. Everybody is dead! That means it's time for Selina and Eiko to either fight or fuck. No wait! There's always the third and best choice of all: it's FUCKFIGHT time!

Eiko has been wandering around the party with a dildo shoved up her fanny?

This probably isn't the least sexist thing I've ever said but the previously scanned panel will probably cause me to masturbate later.

Selina and Eiko fuckfight across a whole bunch of other panels worth masturbating to as well (although the one with the metal something shoved up Eiko is still the best). Eventually Selina decides to leave and allows Eiko to make a run for it so she can evade prison. But Selina still needs to make sure her cousin Antonia is safe before she leaves the mob life behind her and gets caught up in Frank Tieri's awful stories that will probably be as bad as Nocenti's stories. Although I have a feeling that Tieri's stories will, at the least, make sense. Nocenti writes as if she expect the reader to be on peyote.

With the death of all the heads of the minor gangs and families, Eiko has ensured peace throughout Gotham. The heads that are left--Cobblepot, Calabrese, Hasigawa--are eager to keep the peace. Catwoman leaves Gotham for awhile because nobody wants Frank Tieri fucking up Catwoman and Gotham! Maybe she'll go to Toronto. Nobody cares if Tieri screws up the DC Youniverse's version of Toronto, right?!

Catwoman #46 Rating: No change. Catwoman is no longer a mobster! Yay! But Catwoman is no longer going to be written by Genevieve Valentine! Boo! Now she'll be written by Frank Tieri! Double boo! Catwoman will be adventuring outside of Gotham for awhile! Yay! I only say "yay" to that because it doesn't matter if she's in Gotham while Bruce is playing house with Julie Madison and not lecturing Selina about how she shouldn't crime all of the time while she sucks his dick. Hopefully when Bruce gets his Batman back (because Julie Madison either dies or betrays him!), he'll be a kinder, gentler Bruce who finally realizes how horribly he's been treating Selina and how much he wants to give her an adult massage without any kind of lecture or reciprocation. That's true love!

Black Canary #5

This cover reminds me I need to catch up on iZombie Season Two.

Annie Wu is still being lazy and refusing to draw issues of Black Canary, so Pia Guerra is back. I guess that's okay. She did a good job of making me want to put my penis on top of Bo's vagina, or however that works. I wonder what would happen if I entered "vagina" into Lord Google? Here are the things that pop up (besides you know what! Hee hee!):

"Amy Schumer on her dating life": That's because she has a vagina and vaginas are used in dating. I'm only guessing since I didn't actually click on the link.

"Jessica Biel, Vibrators, Vagina": This must be one of those SAT questions.

"Mike Tyson: Khloe's vagina saved Lamar...'brought him back from the dead'": Holy shit. Somebody should bring back the show In Search Of and the first episode should be "In Search of...Khloe Kardashian's Vagina." Tomorrow, I'm going out and getting a bracelet that reads "If found dead, put penis on Khloe Kardashian's Vagina, or however that works." I'm going to live forever!

"The Vagina (Human Anatomy): Picture, Parts, Function...": I guess you have to be specific if you're looking for like a cat vagina or something.

"Vagina - Wikiepedia, the free encyclopedia": What do nerds know about vaginas? Go here if you want to believe they have teeth and can cast curses. I mean if they can't. Can they?

"What Men Think of 8 Vagina Types (Yes, Really)": There are eight types of vagina? I can only think of five: Normal, Sideways, Rotating, Penis, and Mostly Hair.

"10 Wonderful Things You Should Know About Your Vagina": This is from Women's Health Magazine's website so it's probably biased. I bet Maxim has a totally different set of wonderful things.

"The Best Ways To Touch Her Vagina": This is from Men's Health Magazine so it probably doesn't list things like "with her consent" or "with clean hands."

I couldn't just leave that last one without wondering what their advice was! So the first thing they recommend is to stroke her clitoral hood. The image to go with this advice is a woman looking under the hood of a car. Now I'm super confused about what I'm supposed to be doing. Shouldn't the picture be the thing I'm supposed to find?! Based on this picture, I'm expecting to find a pull tab to check my lady's love juice levels and a severely crusted battery.

This is the image they use for "caressing her cervix" which must be a euphemism for "kick her in the vagina as hard as you can."

Okay, now that I know how to touch a vagina (but not what one looks like! Some diagrams really would have helped), it's time to pick up some horny ladies in the bar at the bowling alley! But since it's Halloween, It will be extra intimidating, so I'm just going to stay home and read Black Canary. Maybe I'll try it next week! Except the new Call of Duty comes out next weekend. Bah, maybe I'll find a willing vagina next year.

Black Canary begins this issue by saying all the wrong things to say at the beginning of a story.

Stories need conflict and if you say things like this at the beginning of the story, you're making it easy for Conflict to say, "Hey! What a great idea! She loves these people so if we put them in danger, conflict! And then the resolution can either be she saves them or they die. Doesn't really matter. I did my part! Conflict rules!"

Somebody backstage is not happy about Black Canary's onstage lovefest. He's all, "Grump grump grump stare stare." That must be Conflict.

The band's bus was destroyed by ninjas or aliens so now they're traveling in a minivan. Conflict let's Dinah know that he really felt the love but I don't think he really felt it at all. Also Conflict turns out to be Kurt Lance. I forgot he was hanging around trying to get this comic book cancelled.

Apparently the band is out of the money the label gave them for the tour because they had to pay for rebuilding every venue they've played in. So now they can't stay in a hotel and have to sleep in the woods where the murderers live. While they're making camp, we learn that Byron's sister is named Shelley and then we all puke. At least I did! She probably has a couple of brothers named Keats and Barrett Browning. And she probably grew up with a parrot named Coleridge who wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Water! Water! SQUAWK! Everywhere! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding!"

Over veggie hot dogs and S'mores, Dinah decides that the record label is behind some kind of conspiracy and the band is being used by them. She also clears up the whole Ashes On Sunday thing which was so obvious it's no wonder I couldn't figure it out. Ashes was just the band she was in before she ditched them because the record company offered her a lot of money to replace Bo in Alas Insane and change the name to Black Canary. They also forced Ditto on the band. I think they might be creating a rock band that is also a super weapon.

While sleeping, Black Canary is stuck with a needle by the good ninja in white!

Darn it. I wish Dinah slept in frilly underwear.

The White Ninja isn't as good as her white clothing would lead you to believe. She's taken a sample of Black Canary's juices and kicked her and thrown ninja stars at her. But Dinah keeps up the chase through lots of pages without any words. Eventually Dinah loses her because ninjas are impossible to follow through trees. They can run along the tiniest branches while fat-ass non-ninja types just break everything and get caught in shrubs and twist their ankles. And since the chase is over, it's time for the record signing in the morning!

At the signing, Black Canary gets called out by a bunch of other bands for a Band Fight! Band fights are always called Battle of the Bands and they're serious business. One time after Iron Maiden had put out a couple of records, they lost a Battle of the Bands and their lead singer was cannibalized by the other bands. Later they hired some guy named Paul Di'Anno to pretend that he was their original singer but true Battle of the Bands fans know what really happened. Fear of the repercussions of a losing Battle of the Bands competition is also why Pete Best left The Beatles. It was a Battle in which the losing bands would all be placed under Gypsy curses. The Beatles were young and inexperienced and lost. It's why Lennon was eventually murdered, Harrison died of cancer, McCartney lived way too long to matter to anybody anymore, and, although everybody knows there was a fourth member, nobody can remember him because he ceased to exist.

I don't think these youngsters know how serious a Battle of the Bands is! I bet Bo's band is the last band and she set up the challenge by putting Satan's dick on top of her vagina, or however that works.

Backstage, Heathcliff reveals that he's in love with Pomeline. I mean, he reveals that the fifth band is Bo's band, "Bo M." Is that short for Bowel Movement because that's a good name for a band. I'm ignoring everybody who is telling me what it really means because I'm pretending it's short for Bowel Movement. La la la! I can't hear your poorly pronounced French! La la la la la!

Dinah watches Bo perform and realizes that maybe she needs to learn to move on stage the way Bo does. Dammit, Dinah! Everybody has been telling you that you need better movement and stage presence! I might be wrong but it feels like she's been told by every other character (except Ditto but you can see in Ditto's eyes that she thinks Dinah is a cold fish and a wet blanket too) that she needs to learn some moves! Most of my critical reviews have been filled with me screaming things like, "Maybe you should do your martial arts on stage, you barn owl!" But it took Bo's sexy, sexy moves to make Dinah realize that maybe grinding her vagina against the mic stand isn't the only move she needs.

Dinah also discovers that Bo has learned how to do the Sonic Scream! Whoops.

Black Canary #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wish I was reading more comic books meant for adults because there isn't enough sex or nudity in DC's comic books. No wonder people write fan-fiction because I really want to read a story about Bo sitting on Dinah's face now. The conflict of the story should be whether or not they're going to get into some serious ass-play. But I guess for a comic book targeted at teens, this one is pretty good. I guess teens don't know about sex so sex is forbidden in these books. Stupid teens! You're ruining it for everybody!