Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

Batman #12

For some reason, this cover seems particularly apt tonight.

For people reading this in the future, I should probably explain that caption. For people reading it tonight, stop tittering over people deriving pleasure from being pissed on! Trump isn't that kind of pervert! He derived sexual pleasure from watching prostitutes pissing on a bed which somebody he hated slept in! That's a totally different and way more specific kind of fetish! Oh, so my explanation to the people reading this in the future where we've stopped pledging allegiance on the flag and instead piss into the mouth of an idol of our God Emperor: tonight was the night Trump Supporters finally began demanding that news be verified.

Last issue ended with Catwoman flying off the fucking handle and apparently going against Batman's plan to institute a plan of her own. One minor goal of Batman's plan was to possibly enable Catwoman to escape the death penalty. The main and only goal of Catwoman's plan is to make sure Catwoman escapes the death penalty and life imprisonment as well. So who can fault her with going out on her own limb? Plus she's a cat. Going out on dangerous limbs is something they tend to do. Tom King's Catwoman is way more cat-like than Ann Nocenti's Catwoman who, like, owned a cat or something.

This issue begins with a letter from Bruce to Selina. Or, more probably, from Alfred pretending to be Bruce to Selina. I can't stand how these comic books keep tricking me into reading letters! This is supposed to be a post-epistle modern age! Batman's letter begins by hinting at an intimacy that The New 52 tried to deny for five years. But we all knew it was there, just under the surface, bubbling with seminal and vaginal juices.

I want to say it's weird that seminal means relating to semen and also strongly influencing later developments but, I mean, that's what semen does. So it makes sense even if everybody titters whenever they hear the word used earnestly.

Before continuing this comic book, I should probably apologize to Trump supporters. It must be so hard for them to hear me bash Trump when they thought that I was a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer. Obviously their opinions on me have to completely change when I'm suddenly so biased by the lamestream media. As opposed to, you know, the other option. Which is that I'm still a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer and that maybe they've made a huge mistake. So, you know, sorry about that.

This is definitely written by Alfred. He still thinks of Bruce as being fourteen years old. Plus, Bruce probably would have written "would of laughed and laughed."

Batman describes his parents as stuffed shirts who only laughed at things like hobos slipping on banana peels and small business owners. They were keen on the ridiculous because they lived life surrounded by order and societal rules. I guess that's why they would have found Batman so funny. "Look at him, Darling! Thinking he can change things without power and money! He's so cute beating on the symptoms of the problems instead of tackling the actual problems themselves! He's almost as funny as that broken-necked hobo we saw last week!"

Who does Batman think he is? The Comedian?!

This story arc is completely disappointing me! I thought it was going to be all about Batman's Suicide Squad. Instead it's a Harlequin Romance told in letters! I guess that's my mistake for thinking the title, "I am Suicide," was about the Squad instead of love. Fool me once!

In his letter, Batman acknowledges how stupid and immature his life as the Batman is. He says he wants to laugh too but his laughter died all those years ago when Alfred didn't get him the therapy he needed and instead enabled him to pursue this ridiculous crime-fighting course of action. Unless this is Alfred writing the letter like I forgot that I was pretending to think. Then it also makes sense that Alfred just slipped into writing in his own voice when he says, "I want to laugh too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?"

Then the letter really starts getting mushy!

Meanwhile, the story underneath the letters, is just Batman beating up Bane's guards as he climbs to the top of the prison and then dives into the bay and then swims with sharks. I don't know where he's going! I guess this is all part of the plan! Maybe Wesker is going to start throwing his voice and pretending to be Bane. Then he'll tell all of Bane's guards to kill themselves and they'll all be, "Sure thing, boss!" Because henchmen are dumbies.

I should probably describe the mushy part of Batman's letter. He says that he and Catwoman share something between them which keeps them from laughing at the ridiculousness of their adult choices. Then Batman goes on to really seduce Catwoman by describing his suicide attempt at ten years old. It's pretty hot and sexy if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, I'm not! But I am into the part where he points out God is a dick so the world needs a Batman. I would say Batman confessed to being an atheist but being an atheist in the DC Universe isn't logical. There's too much evidence that there is a God. Batman's even been to heaven!

Also, Batman's suicide attempt? He admits that it's still an ongoing project.

See?! Catwoman's not a murderer! She's a fucking liar! And Batman is the World's Greatest Detective! And I'm the world's Grandmasteriest Comic Book Reader!

In the letter, Batman states he's going to set Catwoman free because he always finds the truth. He sees in Catwoman the same pain that drives him toward death and realizes she's eager enough to lie about 237 murders in exchange for death's embrace and an end to her pain. So instead of giving her that, he's going to force her to keep living with the pain because it's what he wants and what he needs! And Bruce Wayne always fucking gets what he wants!

For some reason, Batman was fighting his way to Bane's "throne" room when I thought he was hiding just behind a vent. I guess he was elsewhere when Catwoman went crazy and betrayed him. Probably setting up the real plan that relied on Catwoman going crazy and pretending to kill Punch and Jewlee. See, the other reason Punch and Jewlee were critical to Batman's Suicide Squad was that they're jesters and clowns and tricksters. Which means they're pretty good at legerdemain and making it look like blood spurts from their neck when Catwoman attacks them.

The main reason the reader can assume that the plan hasn't gone tits up is because The Ventriloquist has yet to be crucial to the plot. And yet Batman pointed out he's the most crucial bit. Bane has spent years underestimating Batman. You'd think he'd, just this once, realize that he's underestimated him yet again! I think Bane suffered some brain damage from all the years he spent on Venom. Or maybe all the years he spent having his head smashed into bricks by Batman.

The Ranking!
+1! This story about suicide is so romantic!

Batman #11

If you are a regular reader of this blog, I want to congratulate you for being a jenius.

Last issue was wasted. All it did was reprint an old letter from Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne! I'd mention the story that appeared behind the letter but it was mostly just Batman repeating over and over again that he's going to break Bane's damn back if Bane doesn't do what Batman thinks Bane should do. How many times is Batman going to force me to say this: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Batman?!" Fucking spoiled brat thinks he deserves everything his way. I suppose when you get everything you've ever wanted as a child and your family is rich as fuck and you have a waiter assigned to personally take care of every one of your needs, you must think your parents being killed is the greatest disaster to ever happen to anybody ever in the entire history of the world. So now Batman thinks he deserves everything he wants even more than he did when he was just a spoiled rich little white privileged cunt. What a tosser!

Today I had lunch with my niece who just recently turned eight. Other people were there but since I'm apparently her best friend, my attention is attuned to her the entire time. At one point, she was showing me how her fingers were sticking together because she was eating her pancakes with her hands. Not that she was pointing out the cause and effect. I just did that as part of the story. She just thought it was fascinating as opposed to disgusting that her hands were covered in syrup. I held up my hand pretending that my fingers were stuck together as well and she exclaimed, "They are not! Your fingers are not unique!" I told her, "Oh yeah? One of my fingers is unique!" And she said, "Really? Show me!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed because I couldn't be the one to teach her how to flip somebody off.

That had nothing to do with Batman but it was at the forefront of my brain so there you have it.

Oh! I forgot that I began that first paragraph with the intention of saying how this issue is the one I was looking forward to! We finally get to see Batman's Suicide Squad in action! That's got to be more exciting than a sappy love note from Selina to Bruce. Especially since his team features Punch and Jewlee (I keep wanting to type "Jewelee" but, apparently, Rebirth Jewlee spells her name differently).

Although maybe I'm wrong because this issue begins with a flashback to when Batman caught Catwoman.

You could say, "Good job on killing all of those child murderers. I have one more that could use some killing. You may have heard of him?"

The narrative returns to the present so I can get some of that sweet Batman's Suicide Squad action. But first, a little more sexual tension full of bat boners and cat juices.

Being with a 237 times killer is probably a huge turn-on. I mean in the context of having killed child murderers! Also, having The Ventriloquist watch is probably a turn-off. Probably.

Apparently Wesker, the Ventriloquist, is the key to Batman's entire plan. Remember when ventriloquism was all the rage and everybody was using it in their gothic horror novels? Hmm, you probably don't remember the 18th century and I doubt you've ever read Wieland. But you probably remember how Superman used to solve about eighty percent of his problems with super-ventriloquism! I bet Tom King wrote this entire story thinking, "You know what hasn't been a key plot point in comic books in a long time? Ventriloquism! Get to work, brain! Don't distract brain, penis!"

Wieland also featured spontaneous combustion way before Dickens thought he was cool using it in Bleak House. Dickens was such a hipster dildo!

While Catwoman and Wesker sneak in under the prison and head toward Psycho Pirate's cell, Punch, Jewlee, and Bronze Tiger march right up to the front door. Bronze Tiger has the hardest job of them all: having to listen to Punch and Jewlee practically fuck each other in front of them with their cutesy banter.

Bane sends a guard to let them in for some reason. I guess Bronze Tiger applied for a visa to visit Santa Prisca.

Catwoman and the Ventriloquist have a little Breakfast Club moment as they crawl around under the prison headed to Cell Block D. Is this entire story just a rewrite of The Breakfast Club? Five strangers (Punch and Jewlee are technically one person) stuck in detention together facing off against a raging bull running the place with constant narrative shifts in power as the day progresses? Wesker is the nerd. Punch and Jewlee are the basketcase. Bronze Tiger is the athlete. Catwoman is the criminal. And Batman is the princess. It totally works.

Must Bane always conduct business from his toilet of skulls?

Catwoman decides to screw up Batman's plan (unless Batman's plan was for Catwoman to screw up his plan! But I don't think so because Batman allowed his penis to distract his brain). So instead of rescuing Psycho Pirate while Bronze Tiger distracts Bane, she drops into Bane's "throne" room to reveal the entirety of Batman's plan. Which, basically, amounts to Batman breaking Bane's back for revengesies. Oh, and also getting Psycho Pirate to help Gotham Girl. Although that's beginning to sound a bit like Bush's WMD excuse for invading Iraq which he just wanted to do anyway. You know, for revengesies!

Catwoman slices Punch and Jewlee's throats and steps on Bronze Tiger's face. If Punch and Jewlee really die (which, I can't see why they shouldn't, being the perfect kind of D-list villain fodder for Batman's Suicide Squad which the actual Suicide Squad never remembers to put on their team) it means Batman's Suicide Squad has been more aptly named than any of Amanda's since The New 52 began. Catwoman offers Bane knowledge on how to break the bat if he'll give her a plane and money and help her disappear. That could also be part of Batman's plan because he really wants her to be free. But I don't think killing Punch and Jewlee would be part of his plan. Even though Catwoman actually kills them, I'm fairly certain that planning somebody's murder is one of the few rules Batman would follow in his Here Are The Various Reasons Why That Person's Death Was Not On Me Rulebook.

The Ranking!
+1! Fine. Here's my confession: I actually like this more violent, desperate Catwoman. It's way more catlike than the whole steals but doesn't kill thing! Cats are fucking murdering monsters! It's part of the reason I love them so much.

Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

Midnighter #11

Yay Apollo! Now Issue #12's cover had better be Jenny Quantum eating a street burrito while Jack Hawksmoor fucks a manhole cover or I'm going to be pissed.

The Review
If you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they kiss, you'll have to wait for another issue. But if you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they almost kiss, start masturbating now because it's on! I probably shouldn't have revealed that in the review section and I most certainly shouldn't reveal that I've scanned that page later in the commentary section so you don't even have to buy the issue to rub one out to it. You probably should though. Because Midnighter has been one of the best comic books DC has put out since The New 52 began and it needs to make DC money so that DC can listen to their accountant when he pushes up his taped up glasses and says, "That book with the gay superhero made us buttloads of money!" Then the Shadow Cabinet in charge of DC Comics will discuss what that means and determine that what people would really pay money for is a gay Batman. Now, I know some of you have just read that and thought to yourselves, "But Midnighter is gay Batman!" Well, duh! But only on a figurative level! The Shadow Cabinet that controls all of DC's moves and marketing meant their statement literally! So look for Bruce Wayne to be gay in Batman Rebirth if my assessment of the situation is accurate. It probably is because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

The Commentary
The last issue ended with Midnighter obviously dying. He died so obviously that it was practically on-panel and if he isn't dead when this issue begins, I'll be really angry about what an unrealistic turn this comic book has suddenly taken. I might even think to myself, "Well, you did just point out that it was only practically on-panel so he may not have even been on the ship when it exploded. Plus there are at least a dozen ways already written for getting out of many cliffhangers. Of course they all revolve around the action suddenly being different than it was in the previous scene. But good old Steve Orlando wouldn't pull any of that shit on his lovely readers, would he? I wish I had some carrot cake right now." I probably could have ended that fantasy before the carrot cake but then I would have been leaving out the best bit.

But the most obvious answer is right on the cover. Somehow Apollo saved Midnighter from certain death. Maybe he desperately needed some dick and he just happened to be making a booty call when the ship blew up. Or maybe it was something far less juvenile. My brain only has the one setting.

It turns out Midnighter gave Apollo a framed photo of his younger self which was also an emergency booty call line. If Midnighter wasn't riddled with bullets, he might be able to play the whole thing off as some sorely needed ex-sex. But I think Midnighter is just going to have to eat crow on this one and be honest about how he just needed Apollo for his heroics as opposed to his hero dick.

I hope it gets romantic from here on out!

Thinkfast is an idiot. Why does a gunman need to touch the hammer on a semi-automatic rifle? Also that might be a real question that somebody could answer because I'm also an idiot who really knows nothing about guns. Although I do know that I was excited to see Jonah Hex will be on next week's Legends of Tomorrow!

Amanda Waller and Henry Bendix have everything they need to create their version of Superman. His name is Unified and he's the son Apollo and Midnighter would have had if that were biologically possible. Speaking of Apollo and Midnighter's child, where has Jenny Quantum been? I would think Midnighter would have kept in touch.

Midnighter's thoughts couldn't be further from a little girl he once thought of as a daughter as he sits naked in Apollo's bed saying all of the things that will lead to a rigorous bout of fucking. His fight computer is also a foreplay computer, remember! I say "remember" like that's canon revealed in a previous issue and not what it really is: just a thing we all know is true.

How cute. Apollo has a Superman mug.

Henry Bendix informs Amanda that Midnighter is still alive and that it's a good thing. Because now Henry can hone in on Midnighter to open teleport doors so the Suicide Squad can attack Spyral. Since The New 52 began, members of the Suicide Squad don't die. Some almost died early on but Amanda had a formula to resurrect them. Eventually some of them blew up due to using the formula too much but that's been about it on the death front. I think the name suicide in Suicide Squad is meant to be ironic now. Although they've got a new guy on the team who Midnighter can't stand, so I have a feeling Thinkfast! will die this issue. Poor Thinkfast! We hardly knew you. Or your actual name.

Helena takes down Captain Boomerang and Midnighter pierces Parasite's heart with a harpoon. But he'll be okay because he still has Midnighter's healing powers. Not that Midnighter would care if Parasite died. I just mention that so nobody thinks somebody other than Thinkfast! is actually going to die this issue.

Why do people with death wishes keep joining Task Force X? As I've pointed out, nobody ever dies! They're never going to get their wish! Even stupid Thinkfast!

Thinkfast! should get a sidekick named Hertz Donut.

The Unified is up and running and Henry Bendix sends it to Modora to teach them a lesson. Good thing the DC Youniverse has so many little countries that have no innocents living there and can't really be categorized as any actual race in the real world. Or, you know, it might look bad! Modora is just full of sort of white guy terrorists from one of those tiny Eastern European areas where all the jerks decided to live.

Apollo and Midnighter meet Henry, Amanda, The Unified, and the Suicide Squad in Modora for a good old fashioned final issue beatdown. I have no idea if the next issue will be the final issue or not because I'm too lazy to figure out when Rebirth begins.

Midnighter #10

This is going to be an analogy about sucking cock, right?

Whenever anybody begins any sentence with "Even as a kid...", I know I'm talking to one of the most boring fucks alive. Because you know that sentence is going to end with explaining to me how mature and adult their thought process was when they were young. Who wants to brag about that?! "Even as a kid, I had a huge fucking stick up my ass and couldn't completely lose myself in nonsense and whimsy." Some of you might be thinking, "Tess, what does this have to do with Midnighter?" Others of you might be thinking, "Welcome back, Tess! We've missed you!" You see, I've made a decision. I'm probably going to write a lot more of these than I have been but not as many as I used to. If I'm feeling in the mood, I'll possibly write one per day until the end of the comic book week and then I'll finish up the stack with short reviews. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to fucking worry about how huge my stack of comics are and just write other shit I want to write. I'm also going to masturbate more to the sound of women masturbating. Oh. You know what. Forget that last part. That was probably too much information.

It's sentences like that one about masturbation that keep me from getting advertising on this site! So click the Donate button and help a brother buy some female masturbation porn.

When last issue ended, Midnighter was getting his ass kicked by some guy named Thinkfast! or Monday Morning Quarterback. Or something. It was an exciting fight because Midnighter was all, "I can see what you're going to do before you even do it!" And Thinkfast! was all, "I already saw that you saw what I was going to do and decided to do something that you didn't know I was going to do!" And Midnighter was all, "Ouch!" Thinkfast! was a new member of the Suicide Squad who were after Midnighter because he took that thing they were trying to take which was some pistol that shoots demons.

Midnighter's buddy (I hate to use the term "buddy" if he's Midnighter's boyfriend but I can't remember their relationship so "buddy" will have to do) has been left at the scene to chastise Helena Bertinelli when she shows up.

I hate when other people try to manipulate me! And I'm, um, conveniently blind when I manipulate others.

Midnighter is allowing himself to be held by Amanda Waller while he finds out what she wants from him. Amanda needs to remember that no comic book exists called "Amanda Waller" and so she's always going to be the one being fed her own asshole by the person who does have their name on the cover of a comic book. I suppose "Suicide Squad" is technically her book where she gets to prepare and serve other people's assholes but only occasionally. Often she has to watch as Deadshot or Harley fry her asshole up in a pan until it's medium rare and then serve it with a little garnish and some mashed potatoes.

Here we see Amanda Waller taking the opportunity to practice serving up asshole. She's excellent at it!

Amanda threatens Midnighter for a bit before he escapes his bonds and begins killing her guards. She leaves the room with a smile so it's possible Amanda wanted this to happen. That's the problem with a sneaky git like Waller! She's better than Bertinelli--Hell! She's better than Batman!--at manipulating the people around her. Hopefully before Midnighter escapes Belle Reve, Deadshot will catch up with him for that dick measuring thing.

Midnighter escapes using a Squad ship which is able to track down the Suicide Squad who are currently moving Henry Bendix to a safer location. Bendix is just as big a jerk in the DC Youniverse as he was in the old universe whose name I forgot. Just DC Universe, maybe? So while Amanda wants to keep him safe so they can work together on a project to enslave humanity, the Suicide Squad might not care enough about his safety to risk getting murdered by Midnighter. Although according to the cover, Parasite won't be able to resist snacking on Midnighter.

Best panel since The New 52 began or best panel ever?

I was exaggerating in that last caption. I didn't actually mean that was the best moment in DC Comics over the last four years. I just meant it was a fucking good moment. But then I realized that declaring something the best on the internet is just asking for a bunch of people to start telling me the actual best moments (all different) and who the fuck wants to hear a bunch of people with awful opinions tell me things that aren't even close to being true?

Although if people wanted to point out some of their favorite moments, I wouldn't totally dismiss them outside of my own private thoughts.

Midnighter dodges a bunch of bullets before he finds the one bullet that will hit him in a spot that will fool Lawton into thinking he's dropped Midnighter but which won't actually hurt that badly. Then when Deadshot closes in on Midnighter instead of shooting him from a distance because Deadshot is apparently stupid, Midnighter crushes Lawton's hands. Too bad for Midnighter, Parasite has begun siphoning away Midnighter's healing powers. Although too bad for everybody who isn't Midnighter, Midnighter never loses. So this whole bit where the Squad suddenly has the upper hand? That'll be over in a few pages. Unless this is the shocking cliffhanger ending! And then we'll just have to wait another month before Midnighter defeats everybody and fucks the prince.

Turns out this is the cliffhanger ending! Midnighter is thrown unconscious onto the ship he flew in on and shot up into the sky where Harley triggers it to self-destruct. Maybe this wasn't a cliffhanger ending at all! Maybe this was just an ending! How come cliffhanger endings never end poorly? Is the hero coming out of it alive a necessary part of the cliffhanger? Would this still be a cliffhanger if next issue was just twenty pages of debris and pieces of Midnighter raining down over the city?

Midnighter #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why isn't this book surviving the Rebirth? Why do people hate Midnighter? Especially when he's written this well? Especially when he's having exciting adventures? Especially when his sexuality is being treated with dignity? It's also possible that DC screws all of its minor characters by concentrating on Superman and Batman which creates a fan base that only likes Superman and Batman and doesn't buy anything without those characters in it thus forcing DC to concentrate even more on just Superman and Batman. Maybe DC plans on making Midnighter the main star of Action Comics!

Midnighter #7

He can't be having the fight of his life in issue seven! Why bother buying any more if they're all going to be less exciting?

The cover probably means "the fight of his life up until this moment" even if it doesn't say that. But that's also trouble in the comic book world because that means the next fight will have to be even bigger and scarier and more life threatening or fans are going to be disappointed! If I were designing the covers of comic books, I would say stuff like "This is a pretty exciting fight but it could probably be better!" and "Midnighter fights a fight!" I wouldn't want anyone reading this book only to think, "I've previously read a fight of Midnighter's that was way more of his life than this!"

The fight mentioned by the cover is against Prometheus, Midnighter's boyfriend. Or probably ex-boyfriend at this point. You might remember Prometheus from such classic tales as "Rock of Ages" or "Prometheus Unbound" and--odds are being that this is a comic book--probably one called "Past Tense," "Future Imperfect," or "Gorilla Warfare."

This issue is called "Prometheus" which is bad news for Midnighter because 80% of the previous issues were called "Midnighter."

Prometheus tells Midnighter his origin story which is a twisted reflection of Batman's origin. Parents gunned down but by the police instead of a mugger. Inherited a lot of crime money and underworld influence instead of less criminal money (depending on how strong your views that capitalism is crime) and societal influence. Prometheus traveled the world to learn everything he could to accomplish his quest to destroy justice just as Bruce Wayne...well, I'm certain you're familiar with that story.

Oh! Oh! I bet his mind programmed their weaknesses too! Like how Batman is...um...he...what is Batman's weakness? Pussy?

That caption was vulgar but it was also a Catwoman joke. If you realized it was a Catwoman joke, you're among friends here! If you were angry at the vulgarity hinting at possible (probable?!) misogyny then you might need to recalibrate the way you view things while reading my commentaries. I'm not as gross as disgusting as you might first think! Sometimes I'm fairly clever! Like how I called Catwoman "pussy"!

I've told this story before but I've written so much bullshit, you might have missed it the first time! When I was a little kid (in single digits, probably!), my cousin Jerry who was four years older than me had Steve Martin's Wild and Crazy Guy album. We used to listen to it in the family room at my grandparents' house while my Grandmother puttered around the kitchen or dining room which connected to the family room. At one point, Steve Martin says, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!" And then he acts disgusted by the crowd's reaction and says, "I was talking about her cat!" I used to laugh hilariously at this bit without ever knowing that pussy meant anything but cat. So, yes, I didn't get the joke and I was still laughing at it. But then Steve Martin is a funny guy! I sometimes wish that I'd asked my grandmother what she thought of that. She never said anything or chastised us which I think was the exactly appropriate reaction. If she had said something about how we shouldn't be listening to it or that it's disgusting, I would have worked out what it was and a little bit of innocence would have died. Instead she let us be kids by realizing we didn't fucking know any better!

If you're skeptical about a small child figuring out what pussy meant simply because a parent might tell him it's gross, listen to this story! In second grade, our class designed paper airplanes and went out to the playground to fly them. Mine kept crashing immediately and so I said, "My plane sucks the big one!" Who knows why I knew that phrase but I did! And my teacher, Ms. Marshall, was shocked! She scolded me for using inappropriate language and made me sit on the bench while the other kids flew their planes. I spent that time putting together what "sucked the big one" could possibly mean. Well, it didn't take long to figure it out. Which also led me to ask my older cousin questions like "People suck those things?! What for?!"

Midnighter fights back and gets the upper hand. It's a good thing there was a full month between the end of the last issue and the beginning of this one so I can forget exactly how beat up Midnighter was. At this point, it seems reasonable that he's in great condition and full strength!

Prometheus decides to debate while fighting because that must be one of the fighting styles of the thirty people he's gone up against. Definitely not Batman though because Batman just says things like "TT" and "hurr". It's probably a villain since they can never shut the fuck up while fighting. As, you know, Prometheus is demonstrating right now.

I don't think Midnighter kills to punish people for killing. I think he both simply likes killing and also likes making innocent victims feel better by learning that the assholes who hurt them got what was coming to them, Midnighter style.

Midnighter shoves a doorknob into Prometheus at one point (not like that, you pervert) simply so he can shout "Door!" He's planning something with his portal technology! Maybe he already opened a tiny door in Prometheus's small intestine and it's leaking shit all up inside Prometheus's chest cavity now! He's making him literally full of shit since he's obviously so figuratively full of it!

Dammit. Now I want that to be what's going on.

Hey dum-dum! You don't think the God Garden has the technology to recover memories from disembodied brains?!

Midnighter smashes Prometheus's skull and turns to walk away. That's when Prometheus pulls out his precious Cosmic Key and teleports to safety. Hmph. Some fight of his life! I mean, it was a fight, sure! But Midnighter was never in any danger! Except maybe of being bored to tears by Prometheus's lousy philosophical arguments!

Later in Oakland, Midnighter's friend Jason gives him the good friend break-up speech. "It's not your fault! They were an asshole! Don't waste your time on garbage like that!" I usually like to give that speech to my friends when they're still super excited about their new relationship! Mostly so I can say "I told you so!" when they inevitably breakup! It was also my Best Man's speech at Doom Bunny's wedding! It might not have been the most appropriate toast I've given.

Oh yeah! In the ruins of the house Prometheus built just to kill Midnighter inside of, Midnighter found an old picture of himself as a young kid. He took it with him because he had a cute plan for it.

That's so sweet! Or is it creepy? Inappropriate, maybe?!

Meanwhile Deadshot raids a Spyral location to recover something called The Perdition Pistol. It may or may not be the thing that shot the Body Snatcher Bullets in the Midnighter Sneak Peek. It probably isn't but I thought I'd remind everybody that I remember things. Sometimes. Deadshot kills a lot of people so it looks like, at least in this comic book, he's back up to snuff. Or whatever.

Midnighter #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book just keeps getting better even though there wasn't any gay sex in this issue. At least, I don't think there was any gay sex in it. Having never had sex--I mean, gay sex, of course!--I wouldn't know it if I saw it! The closest I ever came was when this guy Michael leaned over me topless and asked, "Have you ever been with a man?" I said, "No." He responded with, "Do you want to be?" That's when my life completely changed! I mean, obviously if I had said yes, my life would have been totally different. So when I said no, my life completely changed from the one where I could have been having loads more sex than I'm having now! Stupid un-experimental younger me! Um, buy Midnighter! It's gay-reat! Was that patronizing? I didn't mean for it to come off that way! In my next review of Grayson, I'll end with "He's gre-straight!" That'll make up for my insensitivity!

Midnighter #6

Midnighter can't outthink sentient, stretchy microchips. Although it does look like he's going to try to blow them.

I'm sorry, homosexual community. I should stop making everything about sex just because the main character of this comic book is a gay male. Although I also make everything about sex when the character is a heterosexual alien female with gold skin as well. So maybe I should apologize to gay males and slutty aliens. As an aside, I put no moral judgments on the term "slutty". It's just a descriptor! If anything, I love slutty women! I would love to be considered a slutty man but I think you have to have loads of sex with lots of people and not just tons of sex with yourself to be considered slutty. I also make everything about sex when the character is Dick Grayson but that's only natural, right? You can't not think about sex when you're reading a comic book sporting a major boner. Not because I'm gay! I don't want anybody thinking I'm cockteasing the gay community by pretending to be gay! It's just that I know every female character dealing with Dick Grayson is going to have engorged and tender lady parts because he's so charming and handsome. I wish I was like that! But all the women who meet me merely wind up with freshly salted snail slugs in their underwear.

Last issue ended with Multiplex about to do something incredibly stupid. That something was attacking Midnighter. I'm sure Multiplex thought he was doing something clever by flying a military attack helicopter outside of Midnighter's apartment window on Thanksgiving because that sounds like a fairly sound plan to kill whomever you want dead. But Multiplex really should have discussed this plan with somebody other than other versions of himself because they wouldn't have simply said "No, no! That's a great plan, Me!" and "Terrific idea, Me old chum!" and "Fantastic! He'll be deader than a Christmas Goose!" and "It's just Thanksgiving now, Me. Do you think we can keep the Christmas talk until December?"

Hopefully the person flying the helicopter really is Multiplex or I'm going to wind up looking like a simple Master Comic Book Reader.

Midnighter's boyfriend realizes they're under attack by a gunship so he hands Midnighter a meat tenderizer so he can destroy it. Really, Matt? A meat tenderizer? Do you have no confidence in your boyfriend? I would have tossed him an olive with a toothpick through it. That's more than enough for Midnighter to destroy an attack helicopter!

The fork is a nice touch. I would also like to have seen Midnighter kill some Multiplexes with the turkey carcass and some gelatin.

Midnighter boards the Apache or whatever the fuck kind of helicopter it is (what am I? One of those nerds obsessed with military weapons and vehicles? No offense, you big nerds. That's a cool hobby. Although wouldn't it be cooler if y'all created some kind of Magic the Gathering type game but it was based on real weapons of war and you could dress in your authentic military outfits while commanding your card army full of the best weapons of every war? You know what. Forget I said that. It probably already exists) and kills a bunch of Multiplexes. Then Multiplex reveals why he's an idiotic supervillain and not a super genius supervillain like Lex Luthor or the other ones that you never think of because you can always just say "Lex Luthor."

I don't think even a Teen Plus comic book can show what's going to happen to that meat tenderizer.

Here's why Multiplex is so stupid! He shouldn't hate Midnighter! He shouldn't even be a villain! He should rent out his multiple persons as training dummies for super heroes! He should train under Bronze Tiger or Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. Then he should hire himself out to Batman or the Justice League or the Teen Titans or STAR Labs to be the ultimate training simulator with costs far less than any of the electronic ones constantly getting smashed to bits. Although I do love that he's becoming Midnighter's nemesis because this recurring battle will be a lot of fun.

Midnighter lands the helicopter on the roof of his apartment building after doing whatever unspeakable thing he did to Pilot Multiplex. Now he's got a free helicopter! I bet Multiplex is completely broke now. He should hire himself out to STAR Labs now!

Since Midnighter's apartment has been destroyed, he and Matt decide to travel the world while it's being renovated. That also gives Midnighter time to hunt down more stolen God Garden technology. He still hasn't found the person who stole it all in the first place. My bet is still on it being the real Lucas Trent.

Matt is able to travel because his job is giving his clients bread and circuses so it's easy to keep them happy. I guess that's a business that can never fail, right? I'm going to open a clown bakery and never have an unsatisfied client! Although I'm fearful that it might devolve into murderous teenage battles every few years. Bah! I'm sure there's some kind of insurance that covers that!

While on their trip, Matt's dad is beaten by the people who hate Midnighter because they were smart enough to put gay two and two together. Does this mean Midnighter is going to have to be less cavalier about his identity?!

"Let's see...there were an infinite amount of them. They were all the same height. They all had the same voice. They were in ridiculously stupid costumes."

Midnighter heads out to a men's restroom to beat up some thugs for information. Midnighter doesn't find any information but he does get to pull some guy's whole face off at the guy's own request. So that's a successful bathroom break. I guess.

Midnighter has no leads but Matt's father isn't so sure it matters. He doesn't care if the people who hurt him pay. He's not quite as obsessively vengeance-minded as Midnighter.

Coming out as a heterosexual to my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Midnighter is discovering that his computer brain is malfunctioning. Don't worry, Midnighter! That's just one of the effects of being trapped in a small town in Connecticut. Your head gets fuzzy and you fill your stomach with warm cocoa and everybody's accents make you feel like you're in a cartoon version of America. You eventually forget what the word "ambition" means and begin engaging in mundane hobbies like bird watching and taffy making. Perhaps you settle down and write a warm, nostalgic book about growing up in the eighties. It'll all feel normal in no time!

Although it's also possible that everybody in town is covered in Holt-Griffin Skin and your boyfriend is secretly the supervillain Prometheus!

Yeah. It's that second one.

Midnighter #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some of you may have heard that Midnighter is a homosexual. But--and this was super surprising to me--this comic book isn't just for homosexuals! Can you believe it?! When I first heard Midnighter was going to have his own comic book, I said, "But wait, DC Comics. How am I, a raging heterosexual who loves heterosexual so much that I might be the poster child for heterosexuality, understand a comic book about a gay superhero? Won't it be confusing? Won't I be constantly thinking, 'Why did Midnighter act that way?! That's not how a heterosexual would act!'" But guess what, comic book fans? Midnighter's adventures are completely understandable! At least the adventures that don't take place in other guys' mouths and pants. I don't get those adventures at all. I mean, I like the way my own penis looks. And I like touching it. Which really makes you wonder why I don't like touching other guys' penises, right? I mean, I'd put my own penis in my mouth if I could! But that's not gay for some reason. Right? Um, anyway, this book is fantastic and it's for everybody! It's even for scared white heterosexual male comic book fans who think they're losing stories for them when a character is not straight and white and male! Seriously, you fucking idiots. This is one of the best comic books on the stands and it's only partially because the character is gay. Because let's face it: the fact that this comic book is the best portrayal of a gay character in mainstream superhero comic books is a good part of the reason why this book is as superb as it is. Hell, it might currently portray the best intimate relationships in all of DC Comics, homo or hetero!

Grayson #13

Time to start the seduction, Dick!

This issue begins with Dick Grayson naked. It's standard policy at Spyral to go over every inch of an agent who has an impressive and completely hairless body. During the exam, Helena assures Dick that Spyral cannot take control of his body via the Hypnos and they will work on preventing others from being able to hijack them. Lies! All lies! But Dick pretends to believe her so he can get Doctor Netz's hands out of his asshole already.

Agent One and Agent Thirty Seven have made up since they both had their asses handed to them by Agent Eight. They're back on missions together. This time they're after Tiger Shark. He's basically Mr. Burns in that episode where he sings "See My Vest."

If everybody knows Batman is dead, why is Gordon even bothering with the Honey Bunny Bat Armor?

The mission goes as easily as you'd expect when the bad guy is a guy named Tiger Shark whose entire goal is to fill his house with the skins and skulls of the most exotic and rare animals on Earth. Hopefully he'll somehow be shipped off to Belle Reve so he can die on a mission for Task Force X. He's exactly the type of villain they need to fill their ranks. He's even got enough of a personality to possibly keep him alive and turn him into a villain that everybody loves. The mission is easy enough that Dick spends most of his time speaking with Red Robin about Dick's new Spyral Nemesis, Agent 0 aka Luka Netz.

Red Robin has run a facial recognition program of his own creation to find that Luka Netz appeared in the background of a bunch of New 52 comic books over the last few years. Of course she wasn't really there! I checked! Too bad DC Comics doesn't have The Joker photoshop technology where they can break into my house and touch-up Batman #1 so that she's actually in the background in a cell! I stopped looking after that though so she might actually be in some Court of Owls scenes simply because, in those scenes, she'd simply be a black haired woman with an owl mask. She could be based on any old extra in a Court of Owls scene! She looks like she might be Lois Lane! Maybe she's just doing a lot of research on a Batman book.

Maybe Luka Netz is immortal just like The Joker!

Midnighter!

Meanwhile Helena calls a meeting with the heads of all of DC's covert organizations except for Checkmate because the meeting is to point out that she doesn't like Checkmate anymore. Any of the other organizations found to be helping Checkmate will be dragged out into the light by Spyral. Grifter is apparently one of the leaders of one of the groups. I don't know what groups still exist in the DC Youniverse but I'm sure they're organizations like Task Force X, Blackhawks, Black Razors, Stormwatch (which might just be the God Garden at this point), NOWHERE, AMMO, ARGUS, SHADE, The Crimson Men, and the Corvus Group. I'm probably missing a bunch.

Grayson drops a note to Midnighter to drop a note to the God Garden that something's afoot in Berlin so that the God Garden will open a God Door into Berlin causing Spyral to want to investigate which means Grayson gets his ticket to Berlin to seek out Luka Netz. The God Garden's agent is Ladytron. I don't think she matters. She's just a pawn with a nuclear uterus.

Midnighter has arrived to check out what Dick's up to but then just goes to a cafe for some cheesecake and coffee. Sitting at the cafe is Luka Netz reading some romantic twaddle! She's alerted to Ladytron, Dick, and Tiger who are battling each other in her secret lair.

Grayson #13 Rating: No change. This issue was rather flat after the previous couple of issues. Plus it forced me to read some Shelley. I didn't know it was Shelley when I began reading it but I did know that my brain was hurting. I don't really have much else to say about this issue. It was just one of those issues that was disappointing because it didn't compare to previous issues. It wasn't bad so I don't have any reason to insult it. That would normally fill up a few lines in the review summary. I guess you have to occasionally suffer through merely good issues if you want to keep reading a great comic book. Maybe if I'd met Tom King or Tim Seeley, I'd have endless amounts of praise for them and feel the need to attack anybody who criticizes them at all. But I haven't met them. And besides, those kinds of fans are fawning idiots and assholes without any clear perspective. I've met Scott Lobdell and I didn't let that sway my opinion on his writing ability!

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Midnighter #3

What's with all the green goo in the air?

I don't know why people hate being thought of as slackers or idlers so much that they have to defend anything they do as somehow important or laborious. Why does everybody want to appear to be so busy and enterprising? Is it because fathers cast so many dour looks in everybody's direction? Is it because we have so many means of idle entertainment constantly at our fingertips that everybody is trying to justify what little work they actually do? Although it's definitely not a new thing as this excerpt about poetry from William Butler Yeats' poem "Adam's Curse" proves:

I said, "A line will take us hours maybe,
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.
Better go down upon your marrow bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The Martyrs call the world."

What a fucking drama queen! You write poetry, dude! It's not fucking hard work, at least not in the same sense as the other labor you suggest of scrubbing kitchen floors with bone ash or breaking stones in poverty. I don't think coming up with rhyming observations and petty criticisms of the world is so fucking difficult that you'd rather be breaking rocks. Then the woman he's speaking with basically says, "Yeah, totes. Imagine how hard it is just being a woman and having to be beautiful!" I wish Yeats and his friend had had this conversation in front of a bunch of sailors and miners. Then they would have learned how hard life can be!

I get the bitterness of nobody appreciating something you've done which you've put your passion and soul and many, many hours into. But you're a fucking poet! Ask the other people in your poem who are breaking their backs if they're appreciated and I have a feeling they'll feel the same way you do! Oh! So that makes this poem universal! Well then, good job! You've proven yourself! And thank God that nobody nowadays says, "Hey, you know that Yeats guy that wrote poetry? What a fucking idler! Lazy, that one!"

I probably wouldn't have had any problem with the poem if Yeats had simply said, "Fuck those arrogant banking pricks and righteous clergymen and fascist schoolmasters! What I do isn't idle bullshit! I'm doing something with meaning!" But he had to go and say writing poetry was harder than severely difficult manual labor. Boo fucking hoo, you cock.

Um, anyway, the last issue of Midnighter ended with Midnighter excited that he was going to be able to kill dozens and dozens of Multiplex's clones. This issue begins with that same scene and even some of the same dialogue. I think. I seem to remember that thing about Midnighter suddenly realizing when his birthday is. Hint: it's today! Because he just got a load of killable presents!

But then, because this is a comic book, the scene changes to one hour earlier on the next page.

It's here where we learn Midnighter can't dance.

This issue is called "Midnighter." Get it? The last one was called "Midnighter?" with the question mark. I bet next issue will be called "Midnighter!" I can't wait for that one!

Midnighter's new case is finding a missing girl who was kidnapped by the same people who infiltrated the God Garden and stole some of the Gardener's favorite gadgets and doodads. I guess this mission will lead him to Multiplex and the man, Mister Rohmer, who hired him.

There it is! The plot and the mystery and the connection and the missing girl all in one page! So efficient!

Midnighter rescues the young girl and smashes the technology stolen from the God Garden. It's probably better if he doesn't recover any of it since it's obviously not safe in the God Garden. Security there is slacking when it comes to clones and probably nanobots and maybe even Spyral.

Back to the battle with Multiplex, it's over in one panel of lots of little panels of Multiplexes being mortally wounded. Finally (I mean after that one page), Midnighter stands with the final Multiplex over his head and Rohmer kneeling before him begging for his face. He knows his life is already forfeit so he really just wants his body to be recognizable when it's recovered. But before he dies, he blabs the name of the Russian selling God Garden technology. So now Midnighter is one step closer to meeting the real Lucas Trent! Probably!

After the victory, the story returns to Apollo and Midnighter's breakup.

How was this breakup written so perfectly?

Often when I scan some panels from a comic book scene that I particularly like, depending on how famous the scene is, somebody will need to comment on what happens after the bit that I scanned, especially if it maybe changes the tone of what I chose to present. I hate those fucking people. I don't hate anybody, not even Scott Lobdell, but I hate those people! It's like pissing in my mouth. Apparently nothing can just be the thing it is without somebody else trying to tear it down or make it all about themselves. Try to remember this is about me, people! Jesus.

Anyway, I mention that solidly logical stuff in the previous paragraph because the panel after the previous scan has Apollo saying, "Maybe you just did." But I didn't like that scene ending that way. I didn't like the scene turning on Apollo's last observation of the breakup. This is Midnighter's comic book, dammit! And his final line was perfect and didn't need to be stepped on by Apollo's snarky little addendum.

Finally, in a scene from tomorrow, we see that Midnighter will once again be tangling with Dick Grayson. We'll learn why starting with page 2 of Issue #4, according to how this issue's story was told.

Midnighter #3 Rating: No change. I changed my mind about not hating anybody except those people I previously mentioned. I just read the "Are You Ready For..." final page of the comic and I forgot that I hate Brenden Fletcher as well. Look at his stupid, bearded face! His sweater and his skinny jeans! His "Seems I didn't really take well to figures of authority. Go figure" quote! You might be co-writing two of my favorite DC Comics (and one that's adequately acceptable), but that doesn't mean I have to like you! Eww, Brenden Fletcher! You're so smarmy! Probably!

Midnighter #1

Midnighter is a sadist in the way Batman is supposed to not be one (although is often portrayed that way ignorantly and incorrectly and to the boners of many happy psychotic Batman fans who don't truly understand Batman and should probably be saving their boners for Midnighter).

I have to apologize to DC Comics. Because The Midnighter Sneak Peek took place in a Teen Rated Comic Book and not a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I assumed that DC Comics didn't feel threatened by homosexuality. Seeing as how this is a Teen Plus Comic Book, I'd like to say I admit to how wrong I was about that and I'm sincerely sorry for portraying DC Comics in a way antithetical to their beliefs. Midnighter is a gay man who loves sex and Teens who are not yet Plussed need to be protected from that lifestyle. Sorry I misspoke before gathering all of the information in Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2!

It's also possible that the Teen Plus rating is due to all the violent skull crushing Midnighter is about to revel in. This is probably going to be the anti-Grayson comic book. It's about a guy who isn't nice at all who believes the world needs less hugs and more severe beatings if it's ever going to get its act together.

The issue begins with somebody I don't know (because they're in shadow the entire time and the artist is trying to make it seem at least a little bit feasible that it's Midnighter) infiltrating The God Garden and throwing the old lady out into space so he can steal The Dragon's Gold. None of that means anything to me. Not the Dragon's Gold. Not the old lady. Not the God Garden. None of it. Sure, I remember some of those things from when they appeared in Grayson. But I have no idea how they fit into the overall Stormwatch/Authority mythos.

If I had to guess (which I don't have to but I'm going to anyway), I'd say that the person infiltrating The God Garden is Lucas Trent who, we'll find out, isn't the identity of Midnighter at all. We'll discover that Midnighter is probably a clone of this guy or something and that he's angry at Midnighter for stealing his destiny. Or something. I'm sure cloning will be involved somehow. And Nanobots!

The real Midnighter is currently on a gay date. No, I didn't have to preface date with "gay" but this is a facetious site that uses disgusting lowbrow humor to make my dick jokes look classy. I think it's important that I establish as early as possible that Midnighter is gay. And violent. And mostly a pretty big asshole who doesn't care about justice so much as punching people in the throat. He may also be less sexually aroused by men than he is by breaking bones.

Hey date guy! Superman keeps his identity secret to protect the people around him! Midnighter obviously doesn't care about the people around him. You're fucked.

Some Modoran freedom fighters warp in and begin murdering everybody with their own rage by using Butcher Blasters. I have no idea what I just typed. But don't worry! They spout even more profound nonsense about how America is nothing but rage and hate and how their country of Modora is full of fascist caramel goodness with knowledge of all of the correct ways to be. Or something. It's more stuff I don't really understand. But that's okay because Midnighter is easy to understand! He's probably going to kill them all because they ruined his dinner! I may not be able to understand the intricacies of international relations resulting in events labeled by one side terrorism and by the other revolution, but I can understand getting pissed off that somebody knocked over your vichyssoise.

Okay, I lied. I don't even know what vichyssoise is or if it can even be knocked over.

Midnighter spends the next few pages killing all of the Modorans.

Yes. Awesome. I'm sure it's not horrible at all seeing five or six people's heads explode all over the room if they happen to be the bad guys.

Don't get me wrong! I'd be exhilarated to find myself still alive after a bunch of terrorists threatened to take my life. I'm just not sure I'd be lying in my beshitted pantaloons saying, "Awesome." I'd probably be weeping. It's possible later, after a few months of therapy, I'd use "awesome" when telling the story. But I'd also probably believe the guy who saved me was Batman.

Later Midnighter has some fish and chips at a bar where we learn that he and Apollo are taking a break. Remember how superheroes in the DCyou can't have stable relationships? So now it's just night after night of sex with an endless wave of hot young men for poor old Midnighter. Stupid rules at DC Comics forcing Midnighter to have multiple brief life-affirming affairs instead of one long endless fuck into the grave. Jerks!

After eating, Midnighter picks on some guys playing pool for no reason at all.

I like the line and the scene but what did they do?! It was the guys at the bar who moved away from him when he began talking about his lack of relationship with Apollo! Granted, I don't have Midnighter's senses. These guys could have been talking shit! But not super horrible shit because they're still alive. Probably just the garden variety shit that your (not my!) grandparents talk.

Being that this is America, I don't think the previous fight in the restaurant earned the Teen Plus Rating of this comic book. I mean, violence is kid friendly, right? We've seen enough proof in DC Comics that DC doesn't give a shit about violence in their ratings. Some of the most violent scenes in The New 52 happened in Batwing and Batman and Robin but those were never rated higher than Teen. So if this is going to earn a Teen Plus Rating, it needs way more than Midnighter shoving his fist into an open mouth!

Oh yeah. DC knows which orifice the fist goes into to earn a Teen Plus Rating!

My scanner is homophobic. It took two tries to scan that image.

This is the last time I bring up the ratings on the cover (probably). I'm not trying to start trouble with DC Comics just to start trouble. I'm positive they're not homophobic. If I just wanted to start trouble, I would have believed that Batwoman couldn't get married because it was gay marriage as opposed to believing that DC Comics just doesn't want heroes in stable, loving relationships. But I think DC is kowtowing to a certain segment of the population by rating their comic books in a way that obviously sees sexuality between same sex couples and women who have multiple sexual partners as being more cause for concern than decapitations. Midnighter is obviously a violent book so DC Comics is right to rate this Teen Plus. But judging by their past use of the label, I have to question if the violence is the real reason for the rating. People might think it's nonsense but I think it's somewhat harmful to portray gay sex or woman who enjoy sex as more adult than violence or men who enjoy sex. Men can have all the sex they want (with women!) in their own self-titled comic books and it'll never earn a Teen Plus rating. So why is Catwoman a Teen Plus book? Well, here's the reason: DC is trying to avoid angry parents with antiquated belief systems. You know, like those dinosaurs Midnighter mentioned earlier. The ratings on these books mean absolutely nothing but they're there so DC can point to them if angry parents see their kid reading something they don't think their kids should know about (even though they already do). I say it's time for DC to not give a shit anymore. Teen or Teen Plus...what's the difference? The only difference is that you're displaying a certain amount of bigotry and prejudice by placing your comic books under one of the two labels. Stop letting ignorance control you, DC! Although, seriously (and this is why I'm done talking about it), who fucking cares about your ratings? Nobody fucking cares about your ratings. Nobody.

Except me apparently. And possibly DC's lawyers.

Midnighter injects a one-way radio chip into the neck of his 378th lover. It's so this guy, Jason, can contact Midnighter if he ever sees anything that could use a little Midnight help. Jason thinks it's just a Booty Call Device.

This explains some of that stuff I didn't know about.

Midnighter gets a call from The Gardener and has to leave. Does that mean she's one of his 378 lovers implanted with a Booty Call Device? She needs Midnighter to stop the person who raided The God Garden. Midnighter isn't sure why he should help her until she mentions that she kept a Secret Origin File on Midnighter and his past after she created him. That fits right into my belief that the thief is intimately connected to Midnighter! Not that kind of intimately, pervert!

Midnighter #1 Rating: 8.5 Cracked Skulls out of 10. I guess I'm into this story and ready to see where it goes. At least DC Comics is allowing a gay male character to actually have sex. That's something you never really see in mainstream comics. Sure, you can have lesbians kissing and fondling and going at it because that caters in a pervy way to the male gaze. But two men tearing their clothes off and enjoying a good old toad in the hole? So rare!