Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.

Whoops!

Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Loser Army #5

Yes, Loser Army. Not Looser Army, you numbskulls.

Has Arisia ever spoken to a professional about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Hal Jordan? He was a father figure whom she mistook for a romantic interest. Hal betrayed her trust and ignored her confusion to take advantage of her. Normally I wouldn't believe a character's costume reveals anything more than just skin but I have to think her choice of cuffed gloves, dickey, plunging neckline, and ascending skirt might have a little something to do with the sexual abuse. You don't see B'dg's little ding dong hanging out as he goes around fighting crime. But then he sought professional help after what Hal did to him.

The story begins with John Stewart having a memory of the military. It in no way should be taken as showing a foreign, imperialistic invader callously murdering a citizen of the country simply trying to defend his homeland. If that's what you saw when you opened this comic book and read the first page, you should probably stop attending those weekly Communist meetings in your disgusting friend's basement. The first page shows John Stewart not giving up the way marines never give up! He's outnumbered and outgunned by people in their own country who were not at all simply in the wrong country at the wrong time. They are obviously monsters and it's hopeful and uplifting to see John Stewart break some guy's neck because that guy was obviously about to kill lots of American children at the first opportunity. The man should not have raised a gun to the American invaders. What an idiot. Doesn't he know that he should let foreign invaders do whatever they want since there may or may not be terrorists in their country? If another country invaded America because America housed terrorists (which it totally doesn't and you should look up hypothetical in the dictionary you were thinking about buying that one time you heard somebody on the news say "mendicant"), obviously all of the Americans who hate terrorism would put their guns down and allow the invaders to do whatever they wanted in search of those terrorists.

Would this story be as exciting if every issue John Stewart flashed back to a dilemma he suffered through as an architect?

John Stewart: "Our rings have lost all charge and are useless! I remember a time the tips of all my pencils broke and Harry from two floors up had absconded with my sharpener!"

I bet the non-terrorist people of the nation being invaded had a similar thought about American soldiers ransacking their homeland!

I wish I were a naive, bloated bag of barely digested McDonalds and Krispy Kreme so that I also believed that "soldier" was a synonym for "hero." If I were a journalist in the twenty-first century, I would only do stories on Wounded Warriors because then I would be rich and nobody would ever criticize me or the subjects of my stories. I would write things like "sacrificed for our freedom" and "true American hero" and "noble choice to forgo safety and money for honor" and not write things like "lost in the choices presented by adulthood and free will" or "economic factors played a major role in choosing a military life" or "found comfort in being told what to do." I would say trite things like "They were hurt protecting your freedoms!" and "Freedom isn't free!" and "Freedom! Hero! Freedom! Hero! Freedom hero!" Man, I could get so rich if I didn't care about reality and just told people stupid bullshit that they want to hear! See also: Unitarian Minister.

Anyway, John Stewart's rousing speech about making a choice to live makes Salaak pump his fist in the air and yell "Yes!" while everybody else stands around blinking incomprehensibly. I suppose the rousing prison escape speech would have been better with some kind of interpretation device. Arisia reassures everybody in her cell as well as they stand around wondering why she's making all those weird little noises.

Great. B'dg is the only person to do anything of value and then John shits all over his accomplishment. Did you learn that in the Marines as well?! Come to think of it, he probably did.

John's lucky the rings have any charge at all! Hell, John's lucky that the prison cells were somehow connected to the storage space where the Light Pirates lock up all of their dangerous contraband!

I'd rather the Lantern Rings not announce their charge at all. I'd rather they just ran out without any warning. Or just let them stay fucking charged and get rid of this plot contrivance where the greatest weapon in the universe is constantly proving to be the most overrated weapon of all time.

B'dg also managed to find the power grid which possibly makes the Light Pirates Prison the worst designed prison of all-time. I wish John Stewart would have an architectural flashback right now. Or maybe he could have had one earlier to help out B'dg! He could have been all, "I've designed a prison or two during my architect years! The secret to designing an efficient prison was to connect all the cells to all the weapon storage areas and to all of the security rooms and to all of the power grids. We can use that to our advantage!"

Anyway, B'dg set off a time bomb that destroyed the power grid so that everybody could escape and begin a prison riot. Nobody thanks B'dg or sucks his dick even though they'd all be dead before the end of the issue without his help. Hopefully that'll come later. For now, the Loser Army needs to fight for their lives with only four rings each with just one-fifth of a charge! It's going to get tense as those percentages keep getting closer and closer to zero!

This is funny because Guy Gardner is talking about Salaak's penis. Get it? He is an alien so he might have a four pronged organ of generation!

B'dg saves Arisia's life and she's as ungrateful as John Stewart.

Nothing's ever enough to impress you assholes! Next time, I'd just let Arisia plummet to her death.

It turns out Salaak wasn't updating his online dating profile at all! He was looking at the schematics of the prison in much the same way an architect could have if he wasn't so busy remembering how he was a marine. Salaak has a plan to charge all of the rings they can find by using the prison as a power battery. But some rings have been destroyed, so I guess some of the Green Lanterns are going to have to wield the Lightsticks. Guy Gardner will probably make a Lightstick go in and out of a Lantern ring a few times while smirking lecherously.

The rest of the Lanterns have to hold off the guards while Salaak does his thing. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 points out that she can come up with the exact odds of their survival because she doesn't have any personality. She's just a creature from a planet of math nerds. Then Jruk is killed because why not? He's a fairly new character that enough fans have embraced so that his death gives fake weight to the story. Then Kilowog looks up and says, "Heads up, Lanterns! The cavalry has arrived! What is that--" The very next panel, all of the Lanterns have rings and sticks and are back in their uniforms (or their new Lightstick Variant Uniforms). I guess John Stewart remembered how the Marines used to take a long time gearing up for battle and he thought, "Wouldn't it be better if everybody could change into their uniforms in the space between panels?!"

Once the Lanterns have the upper hand, Relic and Krona blast a hole in the side of the prison to try to steal all of the credit for the escape away from B'dg. Bastards!

Once they escape, Relic tells them that he thinks he's locked onto Mogo. They rush off to find their friend before Guy and John can have another stupid conversation about John lying to Relic. Just shut up, Guy! It doesn't matter! Stop taking stupid stands just to cause a rift in the group! Guy tries to start the conversation but John tells him to shut up. That's how that should have been settled earlier!

Meanwhile, Mogo is being attacked by Old Universe Power Batteries. And the issue ends without anybody giving the squirrel a nut.

Loser Army #5 Rating: No change. Overall, this wasn't a bad issue if you chose to read it without being a nitpicking bastard. I didn't make that choice. But it did feel as if some of the shit I usually complain about was absent. The charges of the rings constantly being the main focus of battle was left out. Guy's ridiculous stance that they not lie to Relic was curtailed. This issue didn't lose the military flashback meant to show the positive attributes John learned from being in the military but which usually just shines a light on what a dick move invading another country is. But I can't expect Cullen Bunn to care about a DC Comic book overnight, right? Hopefully he'll take my suggestion and let John Stewart be helped by memories of being an architect next issue.

Lost Army #4

I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.

I remember being truly terrified of three things when I was a kid. The worst was the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. Although it was less about the Sleestaks and more about the tension created whenever the Marshalls would go into the Sleestak caves. Many episodes when they went into the cave, the Sleestaks wouldn't even appear. Those days were the worst. Remember that feeling you had after seeing The Blair Witch Project? You felt nauseated and tense and gross and blamed it on the motion of the handheld camera? Well, I knew walking out of that theater exactly why that movie made people feel so bad. Because I'd experienced it before in my youth. It's the nausea of withheld catharsis. Being scared by the appearance of the Sleestaks was far better than having that tense knot in my stomach never released when the Marshalls got off easy. Blair Witch did the same thing but in longer form. You spent all movie waiting to jump at something scary and it never came. It was the movie going equivalent of being blue balled. The other two things that terrified me as a kid were the opening credits to "Tales From the Darkside" and the theme song to Doctor Who.

That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.

Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!

I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!

Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.

Once again, the Green Lanterns are caught in a tense battle against the Light Pirates. I know it's tense because of the constant reminders that their rings' power level keeps falling. Everywhere I look on every page I see "50%" then "40%" then "30%". I know that's bad because the numbers keep getting smaller! When they get to zero, the Green Lanterns will lose! Will they be able to beat back their enemies before a "0%" appears on the page?!

I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.

Relic and Krona have also been attacked in Relic's ship. They're draining Relic's ship's shields just as fast as they're draining the charge on the Green Lanterns' rings! That means Relic and Krona have to escape before they die. And since neither of them give a shit about the Green Lanterns, they abandon them. And then all of the Green Lanterns lose power and die.

Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.

John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!

Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.

Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.

Nemux (one of the new recruits) is killed in a demonstration of how the Light Pirates will be murdering all of the other Lanterns and Lightsmiths. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 speaks in binary as she mourns the death of her friend which is completely fucking stupid. Her race is good at math! They aren't machines! But what do I know? I'm just a fucking English Major! Arisia is all, "I know you can't understand me, Two-Six, but let me ask you a question after immediately pointing out how you can't understand me." Then B'dg is all, "I look like a chipmunk so of course I speak a language that sounds like an Earth chipmunk! This whole comic book is fucking racist bullshit man!" B'dg is acting excitedly because he's found a poorly concealed panel in the wall of the cell.

B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"

Somebody must have lost a nut behind the wall for B'dg to have found the panel. Oh man. I shouldn't have said that. I should have learned the lesson Simon Baz tried to teach everybody about how B'dg is a Green Lantern and not a giant anthropomorphic chipmunk! I should at least respect him as an individual since this comic book isn't going to. His language sounds like squeaks and chirps. So fucking derogatory, man. Just...just so wrong!

Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.

Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!

Stewart and Salaak sit around trying to count how many Lanterns have been captured. And that's when they're rescued! Um, kind of?

I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"

Stewart makes a grand speech that only Salaak can understand. The other Lightsmiths probably think he's just ranting about how uncomfortable the cells were before they were infested with vermin. Salaak translates B'dg's glorious language and points out that B'dg knows where all the weapons are being kept. So he'll go fetch them and then everybody will break out of prison with a bunch of rings that have already been completely drained and, even if they weren't, would get completely drained again almost immediately by their captors' light-stealing technology. I can't wait to see how quickly the percentages fall next issue! Such drama! Such tension! Although it's no Marshalls in the Sleestak Cave drama.

Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?

Swamp Thing #34

I hope Lady Weeds tattooed her butthole with a flower that smells like poo.

A post popped up on my Tumblr earlier with pictures of that actress on Teen Wolf with the witch eyes and it got me thinking about actors and good looks. My first philosophical foray into the issue was that acting was bullshit and people are just generally cast because of their looks. But that's obviously bullshit because Steve Buscemi. Obviously a lot of attractive people without talent get jobs in the business because directors and producers and casting agents know that people like to masturbate to beautiful people. But I think acting gets its start at a very young age. Much like a kid raised on junk food will eat nothing but junk food as an adult, a kid raised on constant attention and praise because of their good looks needs to maintain a certain level of fawning over their beauty. Now even though I am, myself, a beautiful human being (on the outside), I was raised by a mother who would say things like, "Your cousin Jason is like the son I never had!" So I was raised on a steady stream of bitterness and resentment which is why I need to attack as many successful people as possible on a nearly constant basis to feel normal.

See how that first paragraph began as if it were about something else but I was still able to bring it back around to discuss me? That's because this blog is about me! It's not about comic books at all. Those are just incidental.

What did they do, Cappuccino?! They made a puppet of the Swamp Thing?!

I guess they killed the little tiny Swamp Thing that Swamp Thing made to look over the Green. It's a little bit hard to tell with the lack of Narration Boxes saying, "Cappuccino comes into the room holding the lifeless corpse of Baby Swampie while I lay dying on the floor. Or is it 'lie dying'?" I guess if you look closely, Baby Swampie's left cheek is kind of torn up, probably from where Wolf shoved his cock into him. And since Wolf is a disgusting monstrosity right now, it probably wasn't a pleasant face-fucking at all.

Like that one person born out of the head of the other person (Cher or somebody. I forget), Swamp Thing explodes out of the head of Baby Swampie to answer Cappuccino's call. I sure hope Baby Swampie was already dead before that happened.

Brother Jonah decides he'd rather go back to The Green than die. Must be nice to have that kind of choice! I guess those are better last words than wondering whether to use "lie" or "lay." Although that's still better than dying wondering whether to use "who" or "whom." Which is still better yet than dying not knowing the difference between the Arctic and Antarctica.

Oh Lady Weeds! You get more beautiful with each passing panel!

I was in love with Lady Weeds when she was just a fancy plant lady. But then she became a blood covered naked woman and she became even more precious. Sure, she had that stint where she got a bunch of crappy tattoos all over her body but I loved her for trying to get back to that elegant look she had while living in The Grove. And now she shows no sympathy for a person because they have kids? Can a person's heart take this much yearning? She's the perfect being!

After killing this jerko father of no year ever, Lady Weeds firebombs the plant life around the hospital she hitched a ride to. Then she sets Wolf free to do whatever he's going to do. Fight Swamp Thing? Curb himself? Eat the entire hospital staff?

Meanwhile, Swamp Thing carries Jonah into the Green to become his regent. He'll take the place of Baby Swampie which is too bad because Baby Swampie was my favorite new character of last month! I bet Dan DiDio is behind Baby Swampie's death! Jerko!

I once knew how the story ends but stupid time has taken away all memory of the book! So, really, it doesn't matter, Jonah. You'll only be satisfied for the most fleeting of moments before time pisses it all away.

When I was a teenager, my main concern about dying was that I would never find out how all the stories I was currently reading would end. Books, being on my own timetable, didn't concern me as much as comic books which I had to wait for, dangerous week after dangerous week! Eventually I realized that comic book stories never really fucking end and the characters change by the whims of the writers and it never really mattered that much. But the feeling of not knowing how things will end eventually resurfaced when I created the main motivation for the Galactic Hero Corps' enemy, Global Thermonuclear War Dude. The destruction of everything always seemed like a weird super villain goal. What does that get anybody? Destruction for destruction's sake? Global Thermonuclear War Dude wanted to destroy everything, including himself, simply so that he wouldn't miss out on anything. He wasn't content to just leave the party. The party would have to end if he had to end. All parties would have to end! Forever!

Swamp Thing leaves the Sureen and Cappuccino to fight Wolf at the hospital because the brilliant Lady Weeds planned it that way.

Ugh. Wolf is even more disgusting than when he was a bald man.

Lady Weeds convinces The Sureen that he should help her become the Avatar because she was once an Avatar and The Sureen must help all Avatars. Also, she threatens to stab him in the face, so, you know. Fairly easy choice to make. I suppose her plan is to threaten innocent lives unless Swamp Thing switches bodies. But I think Alec has done enough body switching lately to know that it never does anybody any good. Especially him! And The Green! And the entire world, really.

Lady Weeds doesn't realize that Swamp Thing has learned his lesson about body switching and, it seems, is now willing to let two final innocent people die to keep any more from harm. She also doesn't realize that Wolf has learned to use his new demon vocal cords and that he hasn't lost his hatred of the vulgar.

Although stabbing yourself in the throat seems a bit crass as well.

I would have thought he'd kill Lady Weeds before killing himself but I guess suicide has more art to it than murder. Anyway, it wouldn't fit the story to have Lady Weeds dealt with by Wolf. Only one person in this story gets to fuck up Lady Weeds.

Maybe Lady Weeds can be the New 52 Oracle!

Lady Weeds is punished by being trapped inside a human mind with no power to stab innocent people in the face. But at least she's not dead! Although after last Universe's incident involving a spinal injury, it seems that comic book heroes have a better chance of coming back from the dead than recovering from being paralyzed.

After Wolf is dead and Lady Weeds severely injured, some guy named "A Calculus" comes forward to help Alec with his duties.

Swamp Thing #34 Rating: No change. I'm sad that Lady Weeds has been taken out. But I'm happy because now that Swamp Thing doesn't have to deal with Lady Weeds and Wolf, that means Etrigan can finally show up to battle Swamp Thing for Cappuccino's soul! Etrigan has been sorely missed lately. Although why would Etrigan still care about the deal Jason Blood struck with Cappuccino? Wasn't that just one of Jason Blood's plans to remove Etrigan from his life? And that's already happened, according to that story in Stormwatch where Etrigan came back and possessed some London punk. Anyway, DC Comics needs more Etrigan, no matter who he's shacked up inside.

Swamp Thing #33

If I could send one type of plant to Hell, it would be those trees that smell like semen. Why does their plant spooge have to smell so similar to human jizz?! Walking outside in Spring and Summer is often like getting a surprise Bukake.

I watched a video review of an issue of Batman on some comic book site too boring to remember, and I have to wonder how those things are so popular? Is it just because they're easy to view? You can sort of half-listen to them while jerking it to porn? Here's the thing: reading the comic book, which is far more entertaining, takes nearly the same amount of time as hearing some jerk tell you about it while abusing the amount of work the word "very" should actually be doing according to Word Union Standards. The person giving the review said this about Snyder and Capullo's Batman and my brain literally metaphorically went inside-out: "It's very, very classical." I suppose even though it's easier for the viewer to find more stuff about Batman if they get to listen to it while doodling pictures of Batman teabagging The Hulk, it's more difficult for the reviewer to blather on and on about the comic book without suddenly depending on the word "very" to do all of the work. I know I should probably be paying "fuck" time and a half on my blog but fuck fuck. Get a real job, you slacker!

I would have watched more reviews because maybe I just listened to one where the reviewer wasn't totally into it. But I had more important things to do like go meet Super Bobcat for dinner so she could start calling me Nothing Bobcat which just sent me into a huge existential crisis. It didn't help that she decided later that I was more of a "loser Bobcat" and that the best way to tell me was to stick her finger in my face and say, "No! You're Loser Bobcat!"

Super Bobcat and Loser Bobcat.

Loser Bobcat needs a haircut! And jeans that fit! It must be nice to be a leafy green plant man that can look like whatever he wants. It must also be nice to be a head in a jar.

Meanwhile in comic books, Swamp Thing has finally had enough of Lady Weeds and her passive-aggression. Probably because her passive-aggressive attitude finally gave way to aggressive-aggression when she stabbed him in the the face with a knife last issue.

He should have asked her if she's going to keep stabbing him in the face.

Swamp Thing continues to be manipulated by Wolf because Alec Holland is too nice. And now that Lady Weeds has proven more dangerous than Swamp Thing realized, Alec will probably trust Wolf even more. I don't know if this was Wolf's plan all along, to turn himself and Lady Weeds into Good Cop/Bad Cop, but he's going to take advantage of it while he can.

Swamp Thing creates a Mini-Swamp Thing to help him keep an eye on The Green and tells his other kids to stay in the house while he checks up on the world. And then he's off like some poetical image I can't bring myself to say because it's trite and cheesy.

Having Lady Weeds attack Swamp Thing was indeed part of Wolf's plan as was nearly everything in the last few months. He's keeping Swamp Thing off-balance by hiring people to fuck with The Green on a nearly constant basis. In the meantime, he plays up the role of trusting adviser. Eventually, the plan is to install Lady Weeds as the Avatar while Wolf becomes the sole tree in the Parliament of Trees. They just need to find a way to defeat a Plant God and a nearly immortal warrior woman and probably Jonah, the laid back ex-avatar monk.

The final part of Wolf's plan is to have Swamp Thing assaulted constantly by demons. Eventually they'd overwhelm Swamp Thing and his body would be theirs. Too bad he hired a bunch of quitters.

He should have hired Twat Lobo!

Since Wolf's overly intricate, time wasting, fuddy duddy plan failed, Lady Weeds decides it's time to change tactics. She's much more violent and direct. What's needed now is a lot of blood and gore! She should hire Original Lobo!

Turning Wolf into some hideous, bloodthirsty monstrosity is another way to go.

Swamp Thing #33 Rating: No change. Not much to say about Swamp Thing by Charles Soule. It's always one of the top five comic books DC puts out each month. It's so good that it takes me out of my whimsical, goofy commenter persona and into my boring, state the facts ma'am, simple explication persona. Maybe that's why the review I watched was so boring! Because it was about a well written comic book and not a total stinker like Catwoman or anything by Lobdell! I'm going to search their site for a review of a comic book I know is shitty so I can have a properly researched opinion on their abilities as reviewers!

Hmm. Nevermind. I couldn't find any reviews of shitty comics. The closest I got was a review on Superman #30 which the reviewer found "quite interesting" a fair number of times. He also gave it a pass if you're not into Superman which is as close as he can probably say to "Scott Lobdell's writing is terrible" without causing their site to lose their seemingly good relationship with DC Comics. I imagine that's why so many reviews are of very, very decent to very, very well written comic books only. You don't want to shit in the mouth of the hand that feeds you! That's why I feed myself. Because I shit in everybody else's mouths far too often to rely on them to feed me.

Swamp Thing #28

Why are you asking me, Comic Book? Sorry to get all actually on everyone but this should read, "At long last -- who Capucine is!" Or would that be "whom Capucine is!"? Never mind. I'm revoking my own actually and turning in my nerd card due to my lack of confidence in being right, facts be damned.

Capucine has just kind of been hanging out waiting for the Swamp Thing to not be so busy or so dead because she needs sanctuary. She's lucky she's been able to protect herself so far! I'm not so certain she needs the Swamp Thing. Although I don't really know her whole story, so I should probably shut up and just listen. Especially now that my nerd card has been revoked! I don't have to obsessively interject my own opinions and lame jokes that nobody ever laughs at but they stall the conversation just enough for everyone to feel awkward empathy for my horrendous social skills.

But before Swamp Thing finds out what Capucine's fucking problem is and why she won't fucking stop trying to tag along everywhere he goes, he has to deal with the three naked people he brought forth from the Green when he put the entire place into an endless winter. One of those people is Lady Weeds and she's naked and now I'm engorged! No, no! I'm not. I thought she was lovely as a plant. Now she's just...just...a woman.

The Wolf is also naked but he makes me the opposite of engorged. Disgorged? Oh, I know! Desiccate! He desiccates my penis!

The Wolf also looked much better as a plant which is something I probably didn't need to say since I already said that thing about my penis withering. The only person that looks better as a human is the one called Brother Jonah whom Swamp Thing met when he needed to know whether or not "Sanctuarium Folium Viride" actually meant "I stepped in alligator shit." I don't remember him because he looked like an Avatar probably. So I guess I can't really say he looks better! But I can say he looks like he might need a forty two year old white man to polish his cock with something soft and tongue-like. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say that? If I'm not allowed to say that, you'd tell me, right?

I do like how Brother Jonah is balding so as to simulate a friar's tonsure. Although he gives Swamp Thing a bro handshake so maybe he means "Brother Jonah" as in Brotha Jonah? Or maybe monks shake that way since I know nothing about the lifestyle of a monk and have very little in common with them except for the excessive chastity. He and Swamp Thing hit it off which is good because Brother Jonah knows about Capucine's Sweet Sanctuary Deal (I think! That's what all that Viride shit was about, right?), so he can become Swamp Thing's naked sidekick.

Lady Weeds slips away because she's awesome and I can't wait for her to return as the super bad-ass villain that destroys Swamp Thing and takes over the world and kisses me in the nether regions tonight while I'm "preparing" for bed. Man, that was one sexy plant! Actually, according to my next scan, she also makes one sexy mammal as well!

Oh! She didn't slip too far away! She just had a strong desire to immediately strangle something phallic.

Swamp Thing purposefully saved Brother Jonah and The Wolf but Lady Weeds somehow hitchhiked along with them on the way out of The Green. Now Swamp Thing must figure out what to do with three naked adults that know nothing of living in the modern world. The fact that they all speak English so well is a good start, I suppose. Alec needs to find Capucine because he doesn't want to be responsible for yet another DC Cover being a complete, bald-faced lie. But they don't want to just sit around his moldy old swamp mansion waiting for him to bring them the things they'll need to survive. They want to experience a little of the world before being stranded in the middle of a swamp. In an effort to exhaust them so they'll obey him and go to bed on time, he decides to take them to Mardi Gras where Alec can let his true colors fly.

Who knew he longed to be so colorful?

After their outing, The Swamp Thing returns them to the mansion with Brother Jonah as their babysitter because he seems trustworthy. For some reason. Maybe when somebody tells you to call them "brother" anything, it makes them seem like a guy you can count on. Then Alec heads out to find Capucine who, according to the cover and the title ("Salting the Earth"), must be hiding in Utah. I suppose the Salt Flats are the best place to hide from Avatars of The Green Gone Wild. It's also a great place to possibly catch sight of The Flash.

I'm half right! She's apparently in a part of the Bonneville Salt Flats that are in Nevada. Well, la dee dah, Charles Soule. You know more about the stupid salt flats than I do! Well did you know they were created due to tons of drying dinosaur urine? Yeah, I bet you didn't. Jerko.

Swamp Thing finds Capucine but she blows the shit out of him with a rocket propelled grenade because she's also a jerko. Also because she doesn't want to get killed by The Seeder. Luckily for The Swamp Thing, he's able to regrow a body from a piece of carrot lodged in a dead rabbit's teeth. Capucine isn't quite as nervous facing off against a tiny little Swamp Thing, so she lets him speak to her. She believes it's the real deal and then she finally tells her story. Actually, Swamp Thing finally decides to listen to her story. She's been trying to tell it to him for six or seven months!

Capucine was born on the isle of Mont St. Michel which may be one of the few places on my list of places I desperately want to visit. Desperately as in "It would seem cool." My version of desperate must be viewed on a curve. Middle class white male American desperate versus, you know, pretty much every other desperate should probably be categorized more as "a lark."

The monks of Mont St. Michel were tired of nations fighting over their island. They just wanted their abbey to be left in peace. So they made a deal with a man that looked somewhat like Jason Blood. What they gave him, Capucine did not know. But what they got in return was an elixir to give three young children the gifts of speed and strength and longevity. She was one of these children and she would protect the monks for hundreds of years to come. Eventually she and her brother and the other child were forced to serve France and its kings for centuries. Eventually, Capucine was the last one left (left alive? Or just left in service to the King? She does not say) until the French Revolution when the king was killed and she was free from her oath. Since then, she has been doing the David Banner thing and wandering the world, helping townsfolk and, sometimes, hurting them. It all depended on what she was supposed to learn during that night's episode and whether or not it was sweeps week.

And then she tells Swamp Thing who she needs Sanctuary from:

Yay!

Apparently Jason Blood's deal with the monks was that one of the children would be used as Etrigan's vessel after they died. Was this the only way Jason Blood knew how to get rid of Etrigan? He had to make a deal where he'd be stuck with The Demon for another thousand years? I suppose he still had a thousand years to figure out how to break his tie with the demon if he could. At least he now knew it would end eventually! Although it seems to have ended some time ago (six hundred years, maybe? I forget what the timeline was of Etrigan being buried under London before he was recently freed by Stormwatch where he took a new host) since Blood no longer seemed to be associated with Etrigan when Etrigan was last seen in Stormwatch.

Alec promises to defend Capucine's body from Etrigan when she finally dies. So I guess she'll be living at the mansion as well! That place is going to get crowded.

Really crowded!

Swamp Thing #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Lady Weeds is free so that means this was a good comic book. And Etrigan has become part of the plot which also means this was a good comic book. Any other reasons that make this a good comic book are superfluous.

Swamp Thing Annual #2

Wait. What? I still have an Annual to read?!

So as I was rereading the commentary for Swamp Thing #24, I thought of a topic I wanted to discuss in this commentary. But now it's now and not then, so I've forgotten what that topic was supposed to be.

Time for a speed reading of Swamp Thing Annual #2!

The issue begins with a Narrator judging us for having to eat food. Forgive me for trying to keep my biological processes going! I would love to be a plant as well and just soak up the nutrients as I went about my daily life. It sure would save a lot of time! And money! Shit, if we got our nutrients directly from sunlight, we'd all be free of our corporate overlords! We could walk out on our jobs and shove our middle finger right in the boss's face! Or the boss's secretary's face, if he's in a meeting or something. Sure, there would still be people who would work long hours for large stacks of cash so they could buy luxury items. But just imagine not needing a fucking job at all?! Sun and water is all you need to live? I mean all you need to live without working to grow crops using sun and water. Because, really, sun and water is basically all you need to live now! But you need land too right now and that's a bit harder to come by what with governments and thieving property owners. Why isn't science working on chlorophyll implants? Oh, that's right. Because of what I just said. Because it would free us all from the shackles of capitalist work ethics.

The good old days is right! But then those fucking herbivores came along and had to shit on the Goddamned party. Literally! Those things shit everywhere!

Look at the pure bliss on that guy's face as he just soaks up the sun! So beautiful! Unless that look is because he's releasing pollen spores. Gross!

The plant's defense against the herbivore invasion was not to propagate in huge numbers, or to become poisonous, or to shift all of their energy into delicious little hanging sacks of sugar to distract the greedy, stupid plant eaters, as you might have guessed. No, the plant's defense was to kidnap one of the eaters and turn it into a meat/plant hybrid to protect them. That makes sense. We used that defense in junior high! Instead of hanging out with more and more nerds so we were less likely to be the one picked on by a bully, we showed the bully how to play Dungeons and Dragons and got him to join us! Or did we just dream of doing that? I can't remember due to all of the concussions from banging my head against porcelain during the twice-daily swirlies.

Eventually man reared his handsome, lovely locked head and the Green shit itself. That's when they created The Parliament of Trees so that they would have a reservoir of wisdom to combat the intelligence of mankind. Probably also the brutality. And the selfishness.

This must be The Seeder's Patron in the Parliament of Trees. He's quite the refined vegetable.

Except it's not. Not the patron of The Seeder, that is. He's still quite refined. It looks like the patron of Alec Holland. I should have known better. The Seeder's patron is probably a Venus Fly Trap with eight penises. I don't know why a plant needs penises but that's the picture that popped into my head. Stupid brain doesn't know anything about biology.

The patron's name was The Wolf and he must have been the Avatar of 1920s New York. Or maybe 1790s Philadelphia. Perhaps 1630s London? Apparently my brain doesn't know anything about historical decor either! Maybe if I knew what year Grape Earrings were in, I'd have a better guess. Stupid fucking brain! Stop playing so much Call of Duty and get thee to a library!

Benjamin Franklin was an Avatar?

The Wolf is giving Alec a tour of the Parliament of Trees before the big duel with The Seeder. He's also, I guess, going to give him some training. The Parliament members sure look different deep inside The Green then they do as skinny little saplings in the swamps of Louisiana.

The Wolf sends Alec on alone to attain wisdom from Lady Weeds. The Wolf is afraid of her because she is a lady. Or maybe because she's a weed. When Swamp Thing stumbles upon her, she, as The Wolf did, points out how shitty he's been as an Avatar even though he's full of potential. They acknowledge he could be a great Avatar but they love to point out how often he's nearly failed as well. Alec really needs to point out how he saved their fucking asses and gave them a nice, new swampy home to live in. If I were Alec, when I got back home, I'd build a nice dark shed around the Parliament of Trees and make them work for their daily dose of sunlight. Fuck these bastards.

Never mind what I just said. I'm quite partial to Lady Weeds. *swoon*

There's a historical precedent for the Swamp Thing always almost dying, isn't there? Hasn't the Swamp Thing always taken severe amounts of damage to its person without much consequence and so he sometimes finds himself striding into situations where the damage actually hurts him and he almost dies? A little bit of overconfidence although it's not unwarranted. He gets arms ripped off, holes blasted through him, burnt to cinders...and none of that ever fazes him. So maybe he does like nearly dying because at least it makes him feel alive.

What was I just saying?

Lady Weeds fucks up Swamp Thing's shit to prove a point. He was warned she was dangerous. He went in ready to fight. But then when she appeared as a Dandelion, he got all soft and hesitant. Which is when she pounced and exploded him into salad confetti. Lady Weeds takes her proper form which seems to be a woman from the Victorian Era. You know the time? When they wore their hair like a jellyfish made of dreaded broccoli stalks. Dreaded like as in hair and not as in feared! Maybe that's not quite Victorian. But she has gloves and a corset! I think that's probably Victorian! She's also into pain and violence which was the favorite hobby in the movers of upper class salons of the era.

Lady Weeds teaches Swamp Thing another trick, one that I've been yelling at his stupid face for about twenty four issues now: stop thinking of yourself as a human!

I would gone with Leaves of Grass but then I'm not as violent-minded as Lady Weeds.

Lady Weeds tells Swamp Thing a story about when she was Avatar in 1845 in Ireland. Oh! That makes sense. She does look a bit like an Irish waif. Unless waif doesn't mean prostitute. That's probably why she has dreadlocks too! Because people often sound Jamaican when they're trying to do an Irish accent.

Except it was her rival that was from Ireland which is why Lady Weeds introduced the fungus that destroyed the potato crops. Creating the plague on the potatoes caused the Parliament at the time to stop challenging her for some reason. I guess it made them all happy that she took out her anger on The Red's smartest monkeys.

Oh yeah, see? I should probably stop thinking about the comic book and just read ahead so the comic book tells me the things I come up with anyway. It'd be quicker and easier!

After Swamp Thing leaves Lady Weeds, he and The Wolf pass The Seeder on his way to see Lady Weeds himself. His patron seems to be an 18th Century British Naval Officer and an emaciated version of Alec Holland's Swamp Thing. Maybe it's a fashion model. So The Seeder is getting some lessons as well. But The Wolf assures Alec that the next person Alec meets, The Seeder will not be able to. I suppose if this next person doesn't kill Alec, it's an advantage.

I knew Alec wasn't going to learn that thing about babies because he never visited me.

The next Avatar Alec meets is his predecessor, Fake Alec Holland Swamp Thing. It's the one that was supposed to be Alec but The Parliament of Trees got to Alec too late and he died. So they gave this Avatar the memories of Alec and it ran around thinking it had once been human. But then The New 52 happened and Alec Holland was brought back to life and The Parliament of Trees had another chance to nab him up and use him for their own ends. This non-human Swamp Thing, the one with no humanity at all, gives Alec the most human advice. And it's my favorite moment in a comic book that so far has been filled with favorite moments.

If only everyone would learn this fucking lesson already.

And that's it. Alec Holland is now ready to battle The Seeder!

Swamp Thing Annual #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. I usually don't change a comic book's rankings for an annual but since none of the rules in my life are written in stone, I'm giving Swamp Thing a boost for this issue. This issue was charming and other words I wanted to use to describe it that have fled from my mind. I really love Charles Soule take on this character. And the characters he's created to be members of the Parliament? I love them all and I can't wait to meet the rest!