We Are Robin #12

This comic book needs something to make it interesting but I haven't given it enough thought to know what. Probably sex.

The Review!
This is the last issue of the series and, of course, it's probably the best and most interesting. Why is that? Why can't comic book writers figure out what makes a final issue where they wrap everything up so much better than the issues where they're trying to build the world? I think it's that whole 'in media res' thing! This should have been Issue #1! I bet most comic book fans would read this as Issue #1 and hate it because people like to have their hands held and bottoms powdered as their full of shit opinions diapers are changed when they are being entertained. I suppose some changes would have to be made to this issue if it were the first one but not a lot. I mean, this one works due to the call backs to previous issues the Robins have had in their struggle. But even call backs to previous history can work when the reader isn't privy to that history. If only writers would write to the intelligent and the curious instead of making sure everything is understandable to every dull-witted, slack-jawed moron who might pick up a comic book, maybe first issues would be far more interesting far more often.

The Commentary!
Most of the New 52 comic books left in my stack are mediocre books that I'm not super interested in reading. I've kept a few in the mix that I'm looking forward to, books such as Legends of Tomorrow and whatever that Dark Knight one was that came out a couple of weeks ago. But mostly it's just boring crap. And I don't mean that the stack only got boring after I finally read Sinestro #23! The stack was super boring when that one was still in it! Here's what I've got left and how I feel about it:

Cyborg: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull Victor is.
Martian Manhunter: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull J'onn is.
Doctor Fate: I hope I don't shoot myself in the face so that I don't have to read about how dull Doctor Fate is.
Lumberjanes Loves Gotham Academy: Okay. I'm looking forward to this one! I can't wait to see why Kyle needed to bring his tennis racket to the woods!
Constantine: I forgot this was still in the stack. This is a decent reprieve from the shit I know is coming up after it.
Earth 2 Society: Oh! I hope they make Earth Too a better place! I'm so invested!
Black Canary: This comic book lost me when it went from Indie music scene to time travel sci-fi alien space opera. I know that sounds exciting but I guess Fletcher did it wrong.
Legends of Tomorrow: Sugar & Spike are my favorites.
Swamp Thing: This is like reading the old comic books I've been reading so I'll probably get confused about what year it is and have nightmares about picking a topic for my senior thesis.
New Suicide Squad: Oh! I forgot I finally like the Suicide Squad thanks to Tim Seeley. Maybe I should put this one on top of the stack!
Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade: I have no idea what this is. Batman or something.
Robin, Son of Batman: I really liked this before Fawkes took over. Now I just sort of kind of like it somewhat.
Teen Titans: This was pushed back because the New 52 Titans are horrible. But Bedard made them fun and interesting last month, so I won't be disappointed when I get to this.
Poison Ivy: Dull. So dull. Dullsville, man!
Gang of Harleys: I've had my fill of Harley. I've reached my Harley threshold.
Bitch Planet: I can't wait to read the back cover! Always so good!
Legend of Wonder Woman: This is a good Wonder Woman story with fantastic art but it still doesn't feel like a real comic book. I guess I have a bias against Digital First stories.
Bombshells: Speaking of digital first comics! The amount of Bombshells books I have just keeps growing and growing. For the reason why, see "Wonder Woman, Legend of".
Harley Quinn: Ugh. Even more Harley Quinn! Ugh! UGH!

So that's basically it. I didn't mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Daredevil because I'm mentioning them here instead for no reason.

Now that I've basically reached my target word count, I don't have to worry about saying anything about We Are Robin which I also find dull! I'm such a lazy cheater!

Although since I don't really have a word count and just write as much as comes to me as I read, I've really just written more than I had to.

You know what the death knell of interest is on the internet? "I've written more than I had to." People only want to read as little as they can get away with. You know what else is a good way to be irrelevant on the internet? Yeah, I don't know either or else I'd switch things up to stop being that!

Does anybody remember when I used to sprinkle sketches throughout my reviews? I wonder why I stopped doing that? I bet it has something to do with something I don't understand! Like my brain.

Here's a picture of Damian as a Robin that I drew in ten seconds. It isn't funny at all but it's thematic.

Cisco, also known as Redbird16 to people in his We Are Robin Group Chat, has recently learned that his father is terrible at business. Wayne Enterprises keeps bidding more reasonable bids to help rebuild Gotham in areas that can't afford bids that won't put other construction companies out of business. I mean, the other companies are going out of business even faster because Wayne Enterprises is taking all of their business. But it's not like they'd get the business with profitable bids anyway because most people in Gotham are poor due to Wayne Enterprises hogging all of the money. Could Batman fix Gotham simply by flying over the city and making it rain hundred dollar bills instead of what he usually does where he covers Gotham in a fine mist of his piss and blood? I know he only does that to save the day but it's still gross.

Because Cisco doesn't like seeing his father cry all of the time, he decides to take down Wayne Enterprises for the Greater Good. I guess Cisco's definition of the Greater Good is rationalizing his actions to seem to be helping the city while actually just trying to get his dad to stop being a baby. What kind of a grown man cries?! I mean because he's having business trouble. I don't mean like when a kitten is dying or he's watching The Bridges of Madison County.

I'm surprised there's still a thing as juvenile detention. If the scared morons of this country had their way, everybody would be tried as an adult. Let's just ruin all of the lives with our terrible policy of treating people who have made mistakes as irredeemably evil pieces of shit and then continue to pray to Jesus because we have no idea what that whole "cast the first stone" business was about anyway.

Isn't it odd the way Christians will believe that Jesus changed everything about the Old Testament when it comes to their own selfish salvation and how he died for their sins and they can be forgiven and redeemed for anything they've done (up to and including murder) as long as they accept Jesus as their lord and savior. And yet when they get the chance to condemn people to Hell for their sexuality without any chance of forgiveness, redemption, or salvation, they ignore Jesus's promise of redemption and label them as unforgivable abominations. Jesus wasn't making a point about how we're all sinners and who are we to judge because only god judges with that cast the first stone thing. That was an anti-death penalty argument for exactly the reason that sinners are allowed to redeem themselves and be forgiven. When you kill somebody, you take away their chance at redemption. And since everybody, according to Christianity, is a big dumb sinner until they accept Jesus, killing somebody takes away their chance to accept Jesus.

Don't fucking get me wrong and read that last paragraph as if I think queerness of any kind is a sin that needs to be redeemed, you want to be offended asshats. I'm just working through the logic through their own supposed system of logic and morality. I'm an atheist. And by atheist, I mean "somebody who knows The Bible better than most Christians who also isn't a judgmental bastard (unless I'm judging Christians and Muslims and Jews who treat the religion as religious as opposed to a cultural affectation and anybody else that puts an afterlife before this life (I mean, you can be those things and I don't fucking care. But don't expect people who aren't those things to follow your stupid fucking rules. As soon as you become that kind of religious person, I put on my black robes)).

Cisco doesn't want to have anything to do with illegal activity so he begins to walk. But then this guy Iggy who wears trucker caps non-ironically pipes up about how he's got a plan to rip off Bruce Wayne. Cisco's eyes light up and he's all, "That's the guy that made my old man cry!" That makes all the criminals uncomfortable and they look down into their Chinese food and begin shuffling their shoes and Iggy clears his throat and says, "That mean you're in, kid?" And Cisco is in because this issue began with him robbing Wayne's place.

Why this close-up of Riko's dildo? Will it be important later?!

Cisco drops a message to Shug about how he's breaking the law for all the right reasons. Those reasons are sticking it to that jerk Bruce Wayne for making his daddy cry! But he's not going to tell anybody else that after he saw how uncomfortable it made his new friends, the criminal gang. Shug is still working out but has she gotten into condition to actually take on more of an active role as a Robin? I hope so! Unless it means she's going to die!

Duke answers Shug's plea to the Robins with "what's ^." No question mark? And I'd argue it's quicker to type "up" than a carrot! That "6" key is in the worst position on the non-computer keys part of the keyboard! Although he's typing on a phone so I guess that's different. But he still has to change the keyboard he's using to get to the carrot! Just hit the u and the p, you poseur!

Shug does go out into the field this time and Dre is all, "Hey! You ain't fat! You look good!" She looked good before she started working out, Dre! Mostly because "comic book fat" is still really sexy and never unattractive. I'm not even sure "unattractive" exists in comic books unless the writer and artist are making a point about how evil a person is.

Cisco big score falls apart when his criminal gang find a "Nice try!" note in Bruce's safe and then Alfred walks in on them and asks if any of them would like some Justice Tea.

The Robins swing across to the Wayne building and none of them fall to their deaths because I guess they've all been working on their grip strength. And then the big fight begins! Action! More action! Some other action that's different than the first and second action! Throughout it all, Alfred manages to keep his hand covered so continuity nerds don't get all pissy about when this story takes place. Not that they aren't already pissy over when this story takes place. I think continuity nerds just read comics to find errors in continuity. It's their jam!

The issue ends with the Robins all jumping to their death because they don't have any experience at all with base-jumping and Alfred didn't give them any pointers on how to do it. Although Shug is smart enough to not strap a parachute to her back and jump to her death trying to stop a two-bit criminal. It's a bit ironic because the Narration calls back the whole bit about "the problem with youth is the inability to accept your own mortality" bit from Issue #1. I guess people are right because a bunch of Robins just splattered themselves across the streets of Gotham. Presumably! I mean, the series does end here! I think that's evidence that they all died. They just winked out of existence and their story ended. What a great ending!

We Are Robin #11

I glanced at this cover quickly before sticking it in the scanner and didn't see the John Romita Jr. Variant Cover badge on it. But I was going to say the poses are horrible enough to be a John Romita Jr. cover. And then I saw that it was indeed a cover by John Romita Jr. That wasn't the best anecdote I've ever told.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't really care about this comic book so this will be a quick review that barely says anything at all about the book. As opposed to my lengthy reviews that barely say anything at all about the book. Although if it gives me stuff to talk about on every page, what am I going to do? Not fill up the Internet with my opinions?! That would be irresponsible! Like on this first page! The reader finds out that Dax is the son of Joe Chill! What the fuck?! Y'all couldn't let us know this eleven issues ago?! You know how many people never made it to this revelation because this book was so tepid?! Now who's being irresponsible, Mr. Bermejo?!

I wish comic books had more faith in keeping an audience by revelation rather than keeping an audience by teasing. Here's the thing! If you end a comic book with a character going "It's you!" while never revealing who the "you" is, I'm going to assume that the revelation isn't going to be as awesome as you want people to think it is. You're trying to lure them into buying the next issue to discover the person's identity. But how about this suggestion? Reveal the fucker and get the reader to go, "Holy shit! Not that person! Things are going to get crazy next issue! I have to buy it!" I guess a lot of comic books do that too! But why wait until the last page for the reveal? Thrill me four or five times every issue! Don't just tease the one big surprise at the end of the book! That's wasting nineteen pages on manufactured suspense! And yes, I realize that any work of fiction is manufactured. But since it's fiction and it's manufactured, how about assembling more surprises quicker?! Jerks!

I don't want anybody to think that complaint was directed at We Are Robin #11. This shit just revealed Dax's last name is Chill on the first page!

I've already written way more than I was going to write about this comic book. I guess it's pulled me in! It's also possible I'm not in a big hurry to read my next old New Titans comic book on the stack because it's an Annual. Here's a comic book rule of thumb: Annuals generally suck.

After the Joe Chill revelation, Bermejo spends a few pages calling gun owners cowards. Or was he calling promiscuous women sluts?

"I respect every woman who has ever let me have sex with them." That's something I hope to be able to say one day!

Smiley and the Jokers have taken over Riko's school and the rest of the Robins have been called in to help stop them. Meanwhile, Alfred watches everything on the Gotham News with a jar of lotion and a Batsock.

Oh! Here's the part where I run out of things to say and just summarize the rest of the book as quickly as possible! The Robins save the day and they fire Alfred! They're the future of Gotham and they'll be damned if some guy with experience is going to teach them anything! Fucking old people! How dare they try to help since all their help really amounts to is shaking their heads and saying things like, "Yeah. You're so passionate right now. You'll learn soon enough!"

P.S. I liked the art a lot.

We Are Robin #10

Rating: Currently I have this ranked in the "Worth reading if you're into the characters" category but I'm not sure it belongs there. How can one be into the characters if they're brand new? I guess you should know if you're into them or not by issue ten, right? But I still find this comic book a bit bland and a lot uninteresting. But I just can't drop it into the "Worst of DC" category because that's saying it's as poorly written as something by Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti, JT Krul, Howard Mackie, Tom DeFalco, or Cullen Bunn. And I just can't do that to Lee Bermejo. Yet! I have done it to Peter Tomasi but that's because he allowed himself to get wrapped up in the Superman "Truth" story arc. And nobody got out of being sprayed by feces from that mess.

P.S. I wrote all of the previous rating stuff before reading this issue. I really enjoyed this issue! Both the writing and the art!

• This comic book feels like it should be part of the Batman Beyond world. I think that's its major failing. This isn't a comic book that should be in the present continuity. It should take place in a future world where crime is rampant and out of control and a bunch of kids stumble upon the broken case containing Jason Todd's old uniform. They've grown up with legends of a young kid who used to fight at the side of the Bat and upon discovering the costume, are inspired to make their own costumes based on Todd's old outfit. Suddenly Robins spring up everywhere around Gotham. It would also make more sense for Alfred Pennyworth to be helping them at this point. Senile and heartbroken after Batman lost trust in him after the Endgame debacle, he's now nearly 100 years old when he begins seeing Robins all over the city. He's not sure if they're real or not but he begins to help them in any way he can, treating them like his own children. That makes this book better, right?

• This issue must have been reading over my shoulder about how a person can't really be into these characters since they're so new because it begins with Shug-R who I totally forgot I had a huge crush on. Well played, We Are Robin.

• This panel gave me a huge sugar rush. And by 'sugar rush', I mean 'boner'. And by 'huge', I mean 'average'.

• Shug-R is trying to lose weight. Oh, come on, Shug! Stop it. Don't lose weight just because comic book artists can't draw anything but hot women. Although if you're really uncomfortable with your weight and dropping a few pounds will mean I'll get to see you in more scenes than just sitting behind your laptop, I'm cool with it. Whatever you desire, hon! I've got your back!

• Mmm, Shug-R's back.

• Smiley's family life has been unsatisfactory. He was not a parent's wet dream. So now he's a clown.

• Riko and Izzy and Duke are all having horrible lives. I bet that drives them back into Robinning!

• Dre has been going out as Lone Wolf fighting crime. Dax has been building Grappling Guns and will probably be sued by Waynetech over the patent.

• This is DC. It would be weird if he didn't have Daddy Issues.

• The Robins tentatively begin reforming in order to stop Smiley and his clowns from terrorizing Gotham. I guess the Robin Laws are still in effect so they're trying to be cautious in their investigating. But they're all going to be wearing Red and Green and Yellow soon. Although they'd better hurry before Rebirth cancels this book.

• When Dre goes undercover with Smiley's Clowns, and Dax calls on everybody to help him out, and Duke and Riko get caught in school when Smiley's Jokers attack it...well, that's probably the beginning of the team back together. Now hopefully Shug-R will get out of the house and in on the action next issue.

We Are Robin #7

This was bound to happen, war or no war.

Does Jason Todd always have to fight with a gun in his hand? He's battling Tim Drake, for Christ's sake! It's not like he's really going to shoot him! I know this is a cover so I shouldn't be taking it so literally. Notice how I'm not complaining about all of the giant Court of Owls masks crashing down around them? That's actually a bigger problem than Jason Todd's fingers glued to the trigger.

Gordon and Grayson's Batman and Robin adventure begins this issue and it begins with Dick almost falling off of a building and Gordon saving him. Obviously Dick was just testing Gordon to see what he's capable of because the last thing Grayson needs to worry about is falling to his death. As a comic book fan, I have to believe that or else I'd be screaming "How can Lee Bermejo write Dick Grayson so poorly?! Jim Gordon has been climbing buildings for six months while Dick has been doing it his whole life and Lee thinks Gordon would be the one to save Dick from falling?! Bullshit! What a travesty! It's the worst thing to be written into canon since everything else I disagreed with which was most of it!" But I don't want to be one of those comic book fans with my beard full of spittle and rage! I'm a thoughtful comic book fan who remembers that Dick Grayson was shown manipulating everybody since this Robin War began so he's obviously doing it again here. If Gordon believes he's the most capable member of this duo, he'll be more apt to open up to Dick and consider Dick's position on the Robin War.

See? Let Gordon bring himself around to Dick's side.

Modern comic books--like The Graysons!--are constantly walking a tightrope of believability. Back when Robin was first introduced to fight alongside Batman, nobody was concerned about the real-life ramifications of a grown man putting a young boy in danger. As comics grew up, writers and editors began thinking what readers really wanted was real world consequences for actions that had always simply been accepted as okay in the fantastic world of comic books. I'd rather not worry about things like property damage and xenophobic fears and child endangerment laws (aside from making snide comments about them!). I don't mind if the characters need to deal with real life matters, to a limited extent of course! I think this moment between Jim and Dick is a nice modern middle ground. The child endangerment aspect is briefly mentioned while also presenting some real world experiences in argument for teenagers fighting crime. In fact, the entire We Are Robin premise actually makes the idea of Robin more palatable and understandable. A grown man enlisting a young boy to swing around the city while fighting dangerous criminals is patently absurd. But a youth movement where a bunch of teenagers simply want to protect their city and make it better? Way more acceptable. And this Robin War is the period of time where Jim Gordon must come to terms with such a crazy thing happening in his city, hopefully coming to a point where we can all agree to stop worrying about the real-life implications of this kind of movement and settle down comfortably into the fictional world of comic books.

I meant it's easier to accept hundreds over one to the modern reader! Obviously the characters living the story would rather only have to deal with one stupid Robin.

While snooping around Councilwoman Noctua's apartment, Dick Grayson finally realizes the Court of Owls is probably behind the Robin War. He rushes off to fall into their trap while Commissioner Batman heads back to check on his captured Robins.

Back at the police jail cell, the Owls have decided to pit Red Robin against Red Hood in a battle to the death to determine which one will be the next Gray Son of Gotham. Even if one of them does kill the other, all it will determine is which one will be the next one to refuse to be their dumb Talon. Although they probably really don't care if Tim and Jason kill each other. The Owls said they were fishing before starting the battle and they're probably trying to catch Moby Dick.

Todd and Drake get some of their frustrations out on each other long enough for Damian Wayne to understand their plan.

Editorial must have put the kibosh on Damian saying, "They're pulling a Dick!"

As Tim Drake flies higher and higher amid the hanging cages, Jason Todd yells, "Alexandre Dumas, eat your heart out!" I don't know why he yells it. Maybe there's a scene in The Three Musketeers that's just like this? I wouldn't know because I've never read the book. But I did once play and review the computer game!

Tim Drake makes it to the top of the Birdcage where there's one of those huge levers that shuts down the bad thing in one pull. Convenient! It's probably some kind of Evil Villain Union Rule that every dastardly device must have an easy means to defeat it built in. Once Tim pulls the lever, the cages all open and the Robins are free! Although this might be where the saying "Out of the frying pan and into the claws of an immortal murderous monster" came from.

Stop squawking! Those were the easy guys! There's a Talon around there somewhere, you idiots!

Apparently the Talons are perched on the roof waiting to feast on the escaping Robins streaming from the exit. But their deaths will have to wait until Robin: Son of Batman #7. That's how DC decided to punctuate the title of that book in the closing blurb of this issue! With a colon! I think it's more of a Robin, Son of Batman comma kind of title! But what do I know? Seriously. When it comes to grammar and punctuation, what do I fucking know?! Precious little, really.

We Are Robin #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. When I first heard about this book, I was excited that it was going to be a book about all of the Robins adventuring together. Obviously I was wrong about that. I still think a book where the Robins go on adventures together would be a lot of fun and this issue shows why. I've never been a huge fan of Tim Drake and Jason Todd but stories like this are at least pushing me in that direction. Of course I need a lot more of these stories to counteract all of the damage Scott Lobdell did to my idea of Jason Todd and Tim Drake over the last four years. Damian makes for the perfect little brother without edging into Scrappy Doo, Danny Chase, or Cousin Oliver territory. He might put them down as lackluster Robins any chance he gets but when the shit goes down, he's their biggest fucking cheerleader. And, of course, Damian completely looks up to and respects Dick Grayson, as do they all in varying amounts. When Batman speaks of a Batfamily, it always rings hollow because he's such a dour downer buzzkill. But when the Robins get together, it totally makes sense. More of this kind of shit please.

We Are Robin #6

This is my favorite Robin.

I was away from reading comic books for a few days because my cousin flew into town to go see Alice Cooper with me. He was opening for Mötley Crüe so it wasn't the best Cooper show I've been to. The show could have been called Alice Cooper Plays All The Songs You're Completely Fucking Sick Of Because The Radio Won't Play 99% Of His Music. Alice also seems to think that catching cheap trinkets thrown at them is the reason fans pay hundreds of dollars to sit in the first few rows. He threw half of the shit on stage into the audience including his canes, his riding crops, Cooper money, and fake jewelry. He may have also thrown a bunch of hard candy and heart pills as well.

Here's his set-list (as far as I can remember):

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Under My Wheels
I'm Eighteen
Billion Dollar Babies
Poison
Dirty Diamonds
Feed My Frankenstein
Go To Hell
The Ballad of Dwight Fry
Killer (the processional and buzzing only)
I Love the Dead (the refrain, sung by the guitarist)
School's Out

Even though I'm not a huge fan of "Feed My Frankenstein," it was about that point in the concert when I really began to enjoy it because he began to do less throwing shit into the audience and more theatrics. It was probably as good a show as I could have expected for Alice opening up in front of a bunch of fans who were mostly there to see Mötley Crüe one final time. And boy do I hope it was one final time because one thing I didn't think to compliment Alice on during his show was how he knows how to keep in concert singing shape. Because holy fuck was Mötley Crüe awful thanks, for the most part, to Vince Neil.

Mötley Crüe began with "Girls, Girls, Girls" and Vince Neil made it through the majority of that song. But after he was done, I said to my cousin, "He's going to have to pull up a chair for the next one." He did not and it was a huge mistake on his part because, for the rest of the show, he never again caught his breath. He maybe sang 40% of the lyrics on any song, mumbled and made odd noises through 25%, and then simply held out the microphone for the audience to sing the rest while he dreamed about pizza. I imagine his thoughts were on pizza because he looked exactly like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle had made a wish to the Blue Fairy to become a real boy.

At one point, Vince introduced Nikki Sixx as the toughest person he knows. Sixx immediately came out and began, "I want to tell you a story that might bring a tear to your eye!" You know, I always expect tear-jerkers from the most bad-ass people! I wish I could have given Nicki some notes on his story though. He told a story about how his grandfather slaved away to give him everything he needed by driving his truck thirty-five miles to the gas station and then thirty-five miles home every night. First note? I would made that at least eighty miles. Thirty-five doesn't feel like a huge sacrifice. So, every night when his grandfather got home, he'd put his truck keys, some change, and a knife on the table. Nicki said, "One day, I knew I was going to have it." So he said the next night, he took it and got in trouble. Then the night after that. And the night after that. And every night for a week, he'd take it and get in trouble. Finally, his grandfather came home, put his keys on the table, followed by some change, and then a knife of Nikki's own. It was only then that I realized Nicki had been talking about the knife and not the truck. So then Nicki pulls out a huge fucking knife and says, "I've never been without a knife since that day!" The moral of his story to his forty and fifty year old fans in the audience? Keep doing the same thing over and over again until you get what you want! So what Nikki learned was to keep stealing other people's shit until they just get so goddamned fucking tired of you that they buy you your own shit. I hope he really inspired all of the old farts in the audience to keep pursuing their dreams!

Tommy Lee's drum kit rode some rails across the concert venue while it spun around. It took about eight minutes to make it to the end of the tracks at which point Tommy said, "This has been my lifelong dream to make this happen for you!" To which I responded to my cousin, "Are we going to have to wait for it to go back to the stage now?" Yes. Yes we did. The entire time Tommy Lee did a half-assed drum solo while spinning around. I just kept hoping, when the kit turned upside down, his dick would flop out of his pants and knock him unconscious. After getting back to the stage, Mick Mars did a guitar solo which proves that skeletons can play guitar just as well as people who still have flesh on their fingers. By the end of the show, I couldn't help thinking, "I wonder where Mick Mars stores his phylactery?"

Anyway, I should probably get back to the Robins before they're murdered by a bunch of Owls.

The Talon has made himself known because the Court of Owls sees potential in the Robins. But first they have to give up the Bat-code which explicitly states "Do not kill.*" Don't mind the asterisk! That only leads down a rabbit hole of footnotes and caveats and extenuating circumstances and special exceptions to the rule and court cases which set precedents in situations where "killing" was ruled an "accident." It's easier to just remember to constantly remind people that you don't kill so when a criminal winds up dead from your beating, you can play back all the tapes of you saying that you don't kill which should totally convince the authorities that the doctor you sent the criminal to was to blame.

One of the Robins (not Duke or Riko but the one whose name hasn't been used yet this issue so I can't remember it. The sister of the punk-ass motherfucker!) does not get knocked out by the Talon and she decides that maybe what the Talon is saying about killing is logical and reasonable. She picks up her dead brother's gun and turns it on the Talon. Thankfully Duke tells her to drop the gun. I mean, I don't care if she shoots the Talon or not. I'm just glad Duke used her name so that now I remember she's Izzy!

Before Izzy can shoot the Talon which would do nothing, a Gotham News helicopter flies down and hovers about twenty feet over the ground while filming the Robins battling the Talon. I wonder if the newscopter is crashing?! Why is it flying so low?! I think maybe it was just so it could fit in the panel without having to turn this scene into a David Finchian Double Splash Page. So maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

So is that the basic premise of the Robin War? To kill or not to kill? The Court of Owls on one side and Pervo Captain Pennyworth on the other? I'm not sure whose side I'm on yet.

Before Izzy ruins her Robin credentials by pulling the trigger, the police arrive to throw bullets all over the scene.

"Viewer Discretion is Advised." In other words, either stare reality in the face or deny the world and go back to your commercials-disguised-as-women-having-conversations.

Dre and Dax arrive just as Izzy fires her brother's uzi at the Talon. I'd say her shooting at the Talon at this point definitely fits into the asterisked miasma of conditions following the "Do not kill" rule because she just saw a bunch of cops shoot the Talon in the face for twenty seconds before the Talon began slaughtering them. So now she's simply being a hero and trying to distract the Talon so that he'll stop killing cops and maybe come after the Robins.

To protect the police, the Robins swarm the Owl. It's like a Nova special! Except in this case, the Owl is immortal and super strong. Or is that how owls are in all cases anyway? Those birds are fucking creepy.

The Talon defeats the Robins and is about to begin killing them (probably slowly and one at a time to give the other Robins a chance to join the Court of Owls) when Alfred Pennyworth arrives in an armored car fitted with anti-tank guns. Or anti-Talon guns? I don't actually know anything about military weapons aside from the ones used in Call of Duty games. And then most of those aren't real because all of the games seem to be set in the future now.

The Robins escape in the car with Alfred while the cops are left to figure out how to survive on their own. That seems fair. They don't really want the help of vigilantes anyway, right?

Alfred leaves the Robins with a single piece of advice to wear masks. Then he heads home with his mind full of new wank material. Fucking pervert.

We Are Robin #6 Rating: No change. One two three four let's start a Robin war! Five six seven eight Alfred's gonna masturbate! Nine ten eleven twelve! I guess I need to add dwarfs to my rhyme so I can use the word delve! I know stupid rhyming chants don't actually constitute a review of a comic book but it's not like I have a boss to answer to! Nobody can keep me on track! I'm a wild stallion! Except one that can't be broken unlike all of those other wild stallions that love to be broken and tamed because they never could find their own purpose in life. Besides, I'm going to read Robin War #1 next so this feels more like an intermission than an ending. So instead of discussing what I liked and disliked about this issue, I should be spending this time going to the restroom!

We Are Robin #5

Today's Robins are models of youth culture and fashion. Yesterday's Robins were pedophile bait.

The issue begins with a Talon cutting himself off from the people of the Gotham Underground. That's a good idea. Those people always remind me of Ann Nocenti and that always makes me feel sad. Not that I'm particularly excited to see The Court of Owls are behind the bombing and the death of Troy Walker but it's better than an army of underground homeless people. Hopefully Rat Catcher will still work for the Court of Owls because that's clever or something. Because owls are rat catchers! It is like a joke.

Here is a joke you can tell your friends: Why did the owl cross the road? And then you prepare a funny punch line about a rat.

Here is a quiz for you to play. It is called "Basketball or Gay Porn?"

If you guessed "What's the difference?", you are correct!

One of the Robins named Izzy (is she a Robin? I think she's a Robin) works as a waitress at a place that punk-assed motherfuckers like to frequent.

You can tell he is a punk-assed motherfucker because his entire personality and self-worth is wrapped up in a ridiculous image which is supposed to make him seem tough.

It is time for another quiz: "Am I A Punk-assed Motherfucker?" If earlier you thought to yourself, "That's 'punk-ass', you idiot," then congratulations! Although that's not really a good determiner. That was just me playing a joke on you! Ha ha! A really good way to determine if you are indeed a punk-assed motherfucker is to ask yourself, "Do I read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea regularly?" If you do then congratulations! You are not a punk-assed motherfucker! You are a hyper intelligent being with the kind of genitals most appreciated by people who appreciate those kinds of genitals.

If you are not a punk-assed motherfucker but you would like to be, here are some tips: say things like "It is what it is" and "Sorry. Not Sorry" as often as possible. Make eye contact with strangers and say, "What are you looking at?" Bump into people in crowded locations and then start a fight with them as if it were there fault. Pick on people who choose to wear clothing they feel comfortable in rather than the style that is most popular at the time even though your clothes will make you look foolish when looked back on ten years later. Do not develop your personality or mind in any meaningful way because it is easier to express yourself with tattoos and your musical tastes and your aesthetic. Only ever smile or laugh when it's at somebody else's expense. When adult men and women point out you are being a punk-assed motherfucker, call them a bitch-assed bitch and then vape right in their faces.

I can probably think up more ways for you to be a punk-assed motherfucker but you should probably perfect those helpful hints first.

After work, Izzy is jumped by the punk-assed motherfucker. He really wants to perfect his punk-assed motherfucker game. I thought the neck tattoo that said "KING" in Helvetica font was as good a punk-assed motherfucker game as there was but then he decided slapping a woman could increase his rating.

See?! See! I told you he was a punk-assed motherfucker! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

A couple of Izzy's Robin friends drop by to help her out. Whether or not she needed help is a story that, if told, would most likely embarrass the punk-assed motherfucker.

This issue was called "Sibling Rivalry" which I didn't mention because it kind of telegraphs that Hector, the punk-assed motherfucker, is Izzy's brother. I'm not sure why he beats on her so much. Maybe she once changed the channel while he was trying to watch the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Later the Robins meet up to try and figure out what the fuck they're doing. Troy getting killed was a wake up call. The Robins missed the first couple of wake-up calls called "Jason Todd" and "Damian Wayne." Although judging by the new pattern, Troy Walker will eventually be back from the dead.

While the Robins are discussing their future, Alfred Crazypants Pennyworth backs a truck full of gear into their warehouse. It's a bribe to keep them risking their lives while he watches them via spy cameras and jerks off. The Robins are easily bought off with their cool new weapons and gear. They decide all the free shit is worth working for some old perv.

Later, Duke, Izzy, and Riko (unless their names are different) are the victims of a drive-by. Apparently Hector is really pissed about not getting to see the end of the "Hello" video. While the Robins cover their heads and pray they don't take a bullet in a non-Kevlar covered part of their body, the Talon hops down and turns Hector and his friends into pellets.

We are Talons! Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!

Crazypants Alfred gets back to doing the epilogue this issue so he can try to explain himself. It seems these kids began this Robin movement on their own and Alfred is just trying to guide and protect them. He's just trying to keep Bruce Wayne's dream alive! And that dream was of a city where children never cry! I mean, a Gotham where children never cry. I don't think children cry in Smallville or Metropolis. At least they didn't used to. Things are a bit different now that everybody hates Superman.

We Are Robin #5 Rating: No change. The Robins face some challenges and then overcome some challenges while also learning that some challenges challenge the challenged too much. Then a Talon tries to eat them. It's all very exciting for people who can remember the names of all of these various Robins. My favorite, Suge, wasn't in this issue so it wasn't as good as it could have been. If you like the other Robins who were in this issue, you will probably really enjoy this issue.

We Are Robin #4

"Dear Diary. Where the fridge did all of these Garsh-Danged Robins come from?!"

I thought the Gotham skyline was crowded with Bat-family members before. Now the entire thing is awash in Robins! Fat Robins! Gray Robins! Sexually non-threatening Robins! Cool Ro...no wait. Those don't exist yet. Anyway, there are a shitboat of Robins!

I'm thinking about upgrading from a Tracphone Burner to an iPhone 6s so that I have something to talk about every commentary. Jesus Christ people with iPhones. There are other things in the world to Tweet about other then how much your phone is the best thing in the world (while occasionally throwing in seriously minor quibbles to show that you're not just a FanGender) and how Androids are Satan's erect phallus (that's supposed to be a bad thing for those of you thinking, "Oooh! Why don't I have one of those?!").

I've really been slacking on reading comic books this week. That's because I've been busy doing nothing and sometimes doing more nothing than that. I watched an existentialist horror movie last night called Don't Blink. It's all about how we're all going to die and be forgotten and there's nothing we can do to stop it so we should probably pray to God or write messages on the inside of the cabinets below the sink to prove to somebody that we were here or build magnificent statues in the sand proclaiming our great deeds or drink or play strip poker or also not drink if that's what we want to not do as well. Unless the point was that all of those things are just a waste of time? Maybe the point was that they're all equal because none of them matter when all is said and done (especially the eternity part of all). I spent most of the movie thinking, "Man. I forgot all about Brian Austin Green!" Occasionally I thought to myself, "That's the brother with angry face from Titus, right?" And then I'd think, "Oh yeah! That's the non-attractive attractive woman from Wilfred! I knew I recognized that weird butt, disappearing chin, and smidgen too large forehead!"

This issue is called "Role Model" because Batgirl is practically a model of shipping Rabbits and Voles.

I like when the title of the issue is given at the beginning of the issue so that I can think about how it relates to the theme of the story. I hate when it's given at the end like the title is some kind of surprise punctuation that's supposed to give me some kind of boner. Usually it's an angry boner.

Troy Walker, one of the few Robins whose name I could remember because I would just think about my first football crush Troy Aikman and I'd remember his name. I meant my sister's first football crush. Don't quote the "my first crush" part without also including the correction that it was my sister's first crush because that would be poor and misleading journalism. And you can't claim the integrity and dignity of your position as a journalist if you're goal is to make money and get eyeballs with misleading quotes rather than reporting, as closely as possible, the truth of a situation. In other words, if you want to be a journalist, don't be like any of them you see on television at all. Or any you read on the internet. Or any you read in a newspaper. They're all whores.

You can believe everything I say about the comics I read though because I'm not a whore. Now if anybody was willing to give me a lot of money to say nice things about their comic books (*ahem*ScottLobdell*ahem*), I will get new business cards which read "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Comic Book Reviewer Slash Whore!" on them. Try to remember that the "slash" means the punctuation mark and not that I'm into whoring it up with my penis touching other penises. Unless the money is good. Okay fine. Read the "Slash Whore" part any way you want!

The current news in Gotham proves the point that news agencies are terrible. If you have the nerve to point to comic book fiction as proof of the real world so you can say, "See? Argument valid!" Which I totally can do and will do all the time. What am I supposed to do? Actually read an issue of Time magazine to find proof of incompetence? I can just do a Google Image Search for covers of Time to prove that without having to even read any of their articles. Their covers are as clickbaity as Buzzfeed or Slade or Comic Book Resources.

Actual News: "A thing happened so we asked a bunch of random people their opinions on the thing and are now reporting all of the opinions as equal and valid! Enjoy being angry at some of them!"

Riko is one of the Robin's and she gets a little alone time this issue. First she's sitting in class talking to pretend Batgirl. Unless she's sitting in a vintage desk warehouse speaking with Batgirl because that is the weirdest fucking classroom I've ever seen. It's so strange that I can't articulate how strange it is. There's too much space and yet not enough space? The desks themselves are way too big and one kid in stripes is lying dead on his desk. Riko seems to think she's in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band but I completely approve of her shoes and wish I had a pair just like them.

Men's size 10 or 10 1/2. Message me for mailing address.

Riko is currently reading Lord of the Flies which probably means something if I'd only bothered to read it. But I'm a Writer! Reading is for lazy people who want to think they're better than people who watch television but they're all the same thing! Writing is an active activity! Reading is passive and dumb! Unless you're reading comic books, I mean. Comic books are different for reasons too complex to explain to mere Readers like you.

Riko heads out to patrol because she agrees that reading is dumb and boring. Um, probably. She sees a fire and runs across the rooftops to yell at it. It's not like she has a belt full of Bat Paraphernalia for stopping fires. When she gets there, she finds a group of kids have set the fire in the hopes of luring a superhero so they can catch it on Periscope. See, they're like Readers and Riko is like a Writer. The Arson Kids want to impress other people but they don't want to take the time to do something impressive themselves. So instead they decide to live vicariously through Riko who's actually doing something exciting. Then the Arson Kids can impress everybody they know without having done anything except post a video of some other impressive person on their personal site. They're so boring!

Don't you dare try to turn my words back around on me and my comic book review site, you jerks! Because this site isn't about comic books at all! If you think that, you're thinking like a Reader! No wait! You're thinking like a Television Watcher!

Hey! Speaking of Television Watchers, who watched Heroes Reborn? My friend Xan and I watched it while texting each other and we have now decided that shows no longer Jump the Shark when they've run out of ideas. From now on, they Unsheathe the Katana. Holy shit I can't believe they're doing MMORPG commentary on the new Heroes! Also it's racist that the Japanese characters are the ones losing themselves in video games. I just hope the Boss Monster in Evernow is an octopus.

I feel like I can't complain about the part of this comic book I really want to complain about because I'll just wind up hurting my own feelings. Oh fuck it. Let's do this!

Now I can't even avoid Periscope when I don't even own a phone?! Fucking Lee Bermejo! Who actively uses the second tier function of Periscope? I get that people want to Periscope the things they're doing because God forbid anybody miss out on anything you're doing at any moment during the day. But who watches what you're doing while commenting on it?! Do they have no respect for their own lives? Do they have no dignity?! Who comments on other people's shit and then expects people to actively read the comments they're making (OW! OW! MY FEELINGS!)?! Because now that's a third tier use of Periscope! People who read the comments of the people watching the other person live their life! I can't help that I'm partly to blame for having enjoyed Beavis and Butthead and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and At the Movies so much.

My real problem with Commenting Culture is not that we, as a society, are entertained by people commenting on stuff but that most people who comment on things are complete morons that don't add anything insightful, humorous, or interesting to the experience. So now in We Are Robin, instead of reading Narration Boxes from the main character (which I already mostly dislike), I have to read a barrage of stupid fucking comments from a bunch of fictional idiots?!

Oh god. That last sentence of that last paragraph hurt my own feelings so badly that I almost began to cry!

I guess the loser sitting at home living vicariously through Periscopers at least get a little excitement in their lives this night because Riko isn't the only person in a costume to show up.

Personally, I don't like fighting girls. But wrestling with? Oh yeah!

After Batgirl puts the Arson Kids in their place, she and Riko have a little chat about choosing to be a superhero. I like how Batgirl isn't just a version of Batgirl making a guest appearance in this comic book. This is Batgirl straight out of the pages from her comic book where she recently chastised Frankie for trying to be too much of a superhero herself. Here she's realizing that she really didn't have the authority to make that decision for Frankie and she'll probably bring that revelation back to the pages of her own comic book. That's probably a reason to thank the editor of the Bat Books, Mark Doyle, right? Wrong! I never thank editors for anything! Jerkos! I bet they'd read those last few sentences and instead of feeling insulted, they'd just be all, "Jerks. It's jerks. Leave off the 'o' because it's just confusing." Jerkos! Jerkos! Jerkos!

See?! Batgirl's advice is to be the Writer and not the Reader!

We Are Robin #4 Rating: No change. This issue was about the Robins getting Batgirl's stamp of approval even though they still don't have Batman's. And instead of getting another insidious Alfred Going Crazy Epilogue, the book has a minor Who's Who of the Robins clan. That might help those people who aren't reading fifty comic books each month and can actually remember names. One other thing! Before you read this issue, you'd better read Lord of the Flies because it's mentioned and several images of Riko are paralleled with the book. It's probably the only way to really understand this issue although I don't know what it had to do with anything because from what I remember, Lord of the Flies was about all of the Universal Monsters being stranded on an island where they created a form of democratic government where only the person holding Frankenstein's head was allowed to speak. Although it was kind of bullshit since nobody could understand Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Mummy even when they had Frank's head. I think the book was constantly on the Banned Book List because of all the gay stuff that takes place a few weeks into being stranded on the island.

We Are Robin #3

Commissioner Batman had better say "You kids get off my lawn!" at least once.

This issue begins with the Robin with the big thighs digging through the refrigerator when she should be helping the other Robins by searching YouTube for videos about disarming bombs. Her nickname is Shug because she's either a patron at a southern restaurant or she loves to stuff sugar into her face. We get it, society! Fat people eat things! You know who else eats things? Skinny people! So why is it always the fat person shoving unhealthy food in their face? Or overly healthy food which is the tack We Are Robin takes. Also, Shug isn't fat. So maybe she has diabetes and she's trying to control her diet so she doesn't send her sugar levels out of whack. That would be a good reason for the nickname "Shug" as well! Plus it would make sense that she's staying home and out of the adrenaline pumping action since that might throw her levels out of whack too. Unless it doesn't. But I hope it does because I'm trying to distance myself from the assumption that Lee Bermejo was falling back on standard fat character tropes. Shug is probably diabetic instead of fat. I hope it's still okay to make fun of diabetics or I might get into trouble later.

Right now, Shug is playing the Oracle of the We Are Robin kids. It might be because she's diabetic or it might be because she has stricter parents than the others or it might just be that they rotate the help desk job every night. Whatever the reason, she needs to learn how to disarm a bomb in the next twenty minutes or Gotham will lose another building. That doesn't really seem like that big of a deal since Gotham recently lost most of their buildings in Batman Eternal and then lost lots more in Endgame.

Shug's texts come in as "The Nest" so she's definitely the Oracle. Unless they don't since some texts come in as Shug-R. So many names! The rest of the Robins use each other's names a lot so that the readers can slowly identify them all. I won't be learning their names any time soon. Not because I'm stubborn but because my brain just doesn't work that way. I just spent twenty seconds trying to come up with Duke's name and he's the only one I can identify.

Meanwhile above ground, a riot breaks out because disarming bombs wasn't enough pressure for these kids. Commissioner Batman had better get here soon!

Holy crap. So many Robins to keep track of!

So far Shug is my favorite because she had two Chinese food leftover containers in the fridge that I'm just going to assume had Indian food in them because now I want Indian food. Plus she's had the most characterization so far other than Duke. She chews sugarless gum which I don't do. She wears glasses which I don't do. She sits at home on her computer every night which I totally do. I think the other Robins will be too active and engage in too many risky behaviors for me to be comfortable with them as my favorite Robin. Shug really seems like the Robin for me.

Last issue made it seem like Alfred was recruiting all of these kids. My guess is that he's working with his daughter Julia as well. She's also on the Commissioner Batman program, so it would make sense for her to be bridging the worlds of legal and illegal criminal subdual techniques. I don't think Bruce Wayne is involved at all since he's running around with hearts in his eyes.

Hmm. I don't think diabetes is the issue. Now I want Mac 'n' Cheese!

One bomb is disarmed and loads and loads of Robins join in to quell the riot. Unless adding that many more people to the riot just makes a bigger riot? That's probably just semantics plaguing me. I'm pretty sure, in this case, it's a good thing that the Robins are effectively doubling the size of the riot. Commissioner Batman, on the other hand, might come down on the semantics side of things.

I guess this is not very different when regular Batman chastises his Robins.

A train pulls up with a big "R" painted on the front and Robin stuff all over it. Orders from The Nest (which must be the mystery person and not Shug-R at all) tell the Robins to hop the train and leave the final bomb. The kids figure The Nest knows what it's talking about so they comply. Also it's probably nice to know you're not going to be blown up by a bomb in a few seconds. But Robin Troy stays behind to finish disarming the bomb!

Goddammit! His was a name I could remember!

The epilogue confirms that Alfred is The Nest and that he has a hook for a hand. I guess after all those years raising children to put them in harm's way, he's simply gone over the edge and is now gathering as many to him as he can! Alfred needs to be stopped!

We Are Robin #3 Rating: No change. I get the point of this comic book! Alfred really has gone nuts and just can't stop recruiting kids to put them in harm's way. Is this the only way he knows how to make a Batman? And why does he need a Batman so badly?! Maybe he's just envious of the kids at the rec center and their relationship with Bruce Wayne so he's punishing them with this whole We Are Robin scam. Shouldn't Alfred just be truly happy that Bruce is getting a second chance at happiness and retire himself? Maybe Alfred knows Bruce will eventually return to Batman and this is Alfred's way of showing Bruce that the city can always be safe if you teach the youth of the city to care and to fight back. That way Bruce can trash that creepy Batman Duplication Device in the Bat-cave. Anyway, I suppose Alfred doesn't feel hugely responsible for Troy's death since he did tell the kids to just get the hell out of the building. He's trying to build their confidence and skill, not get them killed. Troy's death is on himself! At least according to "Batman's Big Book of Reasons Why I Can Honestly Say I Haven't Killed Anybody Because There Are Always Extenuating Circumstances To Deaths Surrounding My Actions."

We Are Robin #2

I'm too old for this series. Just looking at this cover scares me.

Last issue, Duke found himself in the Gotham Underground because Lee Bermejo is a jerk. Doesn't he know people hated Ann Nocenti's Catwoman run and that he shouldn't be reminding us of it? How would he like it if I dug up his dead grandma's skull and brought it to his house while working its jaw and making it say, "Give Nana a kissy!"? That would be totally uncalled for and probably hurt him a lot. And that's not even half as bad as reminding people of Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

It's possible that Lee Bermejo doesn't even know about Ann Nocenti and her work on the Gotham Underground and he just brought Duke to it because it was used in Batwing. That story did prominently feature the Ratcatcher who is the current antagonist in this comic book, so he really might not realize the pain he's causing. Now I feel I could be wrong about him being an intentional jerk. Maybe I should just put Nana's skull back.

Duke has just met the We Are Robin crew who have been stalking him ever since he flew around the city with Batman. Ratcatcher's brainwashed followers were trying to capture Duke because he heard their plans to blow up the city above ground (which sounds like maybe a stupid plan if you're below ground? Beneath the explosions that could cause everything to collapse? I mean, Ratcatcher and his people do live in a huge cavern beneath Gotham. It's not like the city has much support! And where do the Owls live? Are they in a layer between the Gotham Underground and Gotham City?). The Robin Kids save him by lighting a flare which apparently gives off just enough light to scare and blind the people of the underground who go around all day with torches and street lights on constantly. I guess it was some kind of super flare.

After bringing Duke to the surface, the Robin Kids get a message from The Nest telling them to ditch Duke. For a bunch of unique snowflakes who totally have their own individual styles and completely think for themselves, they sure do jump when a message from The Nest says, "Remember whose buttering the buttered side of your bread."

Duke wakes up in an interrogation room with a creepy guy who offers to help find Duke's parents if Duke helps the Robin Kids disarm the Ratcatcher's bombs. Duke is all, "Fuck no!" But then after the guy leaves Duke alone and Duke eventually remembers that he knows how to open a door, Duke finds a motorcycle and a leather outfit and a phone waiting for him outside of the room. Those things go a long way to changing a "fuck no" to a "fuck yes."

Turns out this creepy guy has been busy grooming kids all over Gotham.

Did you get a good look at his right hand?! He hid it behind his back the whole time he spoke with Duke! Probably because it's a big fake wooden thing!

The creepy guy is so totally Alfred! And he's presented in a way to keep it ambiguous if his right hand is still missing. They even begin the "interview" with a mirrored shot so that it looks like he's using his right hand to maybe throw off the dumber dumb dumbs reading this comic book. It almost worked on me!

Maybe it's even Alfred gone rogue because he's become addicted to putting children in danger! He's the main villain in this comic book because he's gone mad with grief at the loss of Master Bruce to the woman working at the teen rec center!

The Robin Kids (now with more Duke Thomas!) find themselves across the street from the Gotham Hall of Records, the Ratcatcher's first target. Actually, the Ratcatcher is just the lieutenant of some other mastermind because the Ratcatcher is never the brains behind the villainous plans. The Robin Kids find the bombs underneath the building set to blow in twenty minutes. Now they just need to find a Youtube instructional video on disarming bombs shorter than twenty minutes.

Once again there is an epilogue! This one is of a mysterious man following Ratcatcher in the Gotham Underground to try and find the actual leader of the underground rebellion. He uses the same bat camera seen in the epilogue of the first issue! That's probably a clue to his identity! Unless it's one of those red herring clues that aren't actually clues. I hate those! Life is full of those. I don't want my entertainments to be 99% red herrings too. If I wanted that in my literature, I'd read Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Adventures.

We Are Robin #2 Rating: No change. Why does everybody in this comic book have to be so young? It's scary and unsettling! I wish the DC Youniverse didn't have to be filled with so many DC Youths. I want a version of this comic book when the characters are all in their late thirties and early forties! Then it will be full of them calling each other up and saying, "Hey. I'm heading down to the pharmacy to get some pills. Did you want to go along for the ride?" And the other one would be, "Nah, I just took a really good crap and I'm just basking in the afterglow." Meanwhile a few of the others will be playing a rousing game of Scrabble while eating all the pizza rolls that are supposed to be after-school snacks for their kids.

We Are Robin #1

I hate the title of this comic book. My brain always reads it to the tune of the Farmers Insurance commercial. Maybe I actually hate my brain.

Best moment of Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham so far? When I first flew as Wonder Woman. I immediately forgot what I was going to do because I spent the next few minutes just flying around listening to the Wonder Woman television theme song (minus the lyrics which is just fine because in your satin tights fighting for your rights?). Otherwise, the game is kind of mindless until it's super frustrating. I keep forgetting about the special powers of different characters so I spend many, many minutes running around thinking I can't destroy a silver item because I don't have access to Batman and his Power Suit before I remember Cyborg has a Demolition Suit that does the same thing and then I roll my eyes about five thousand times, finish the level, and declare I'll never waste any more time on the game. Until next time, I mean.

The creators have somehow found a way to portray Batman as the unrepentant, unemotional dickhead he truly is. He makes it obvious that he can't stand Tim Drake because Tim is an annoying little shit (although an adorable one). And so far he's murdered about six ducks. Okay, so he doesn't take them out back and put a gun in their bills and blow their delicious brains out. But I'm sure it was his idea to launch the rocket out of the duck pond thus ensuring any ducks taking refuge at the Wayne Family Estate would be thoroughly roasted every time he had to get to a meeting on the Justice League Satellite. Remember, the teleporter was just built at the beginning of this game so he's supposedly been rocketing to the satellite every time. Which, by the way, is a complete pain in the ass getting the rocket ready to go. Batman really needs to optimize the system so he doesn't need to destroy everything in the Batcave just to get the rocket refueled and looking like a bat so he can take it out in public. Maybe a system where he just presses a few buttons or something?

The entire gameplay system where you run around with two or more characters doesn't really help me except when I have to use their special powers one or two times per level. In reality, the system simply ensures that I accidentally kill the other characters in my group about two dozen times while smashing everything on the set to collect the Lego coins which--you'd assume because I must get them all--are made of heroin. The purple stuff is so fucking pure it makes your entire body feel like a three week extended orgasm.

I'm sure I'll have more updates on the game as I slowly slog my way through it. Until then, I have to slog my way through We Are Robin.

I don't think that's a problem with youth. I think it's a necessary feature.

It's been said before but it's worth repeating: every one of us is lucky to have survived to adulthood. Not just because being young also means being fragile and the world is fraught with dangers that we can barely protect ourselves from, but because we don't have a well-developed sense of our own mortality. Youth doesn't allow for much concern with weighing risk versus reward. But what better way to learn our own limits than performing without a net? And I don't mean performing without a net with the realization that there is no net and any misstep will end in disaster. No, the realization that the net wasn't there won't come until ten to twenty years down the road when you look back on the moment and think, "Holy fuck, how did I survive my childhood?" Of course this, tragically, winds up in young people dying due to their inability to weigh risk properly. Some people would be less charitable and call it their own stupidity. But those are people who have yet to realize that their own survival to adulthood was probably based less on their grand intelligence and more on luck than they'd like to believe. I won't say their aren't adults who as kids or teens knew when the risks weren't worth it because I live with one. But generally, kids and teens don't put a shit ton of forethought into exactly how dangerous or stupid the fun activity they're about to engage in really is. Without even thinking long about it, I can come up with a dozen moments growing up where I was lucky to have escaped injury. I've never even had a broken bone which, thinking back on my youth, boggles my fucking mind. It definitely wasn't through a lack of, unconsciously, trying.

My nephew, when he was about twelve (he is now twenty-two), skateboarded down a hill near his dad Danny's home in Northern California. He crashed at the bottom and fractured his skull. His friend at the time ran up the hill to get my nephew's dad. Danny, who had been a skateboarder his entire youth, hopped on a skateboard and rode down the same hill to get to his son quicker. The thought still makes me laugh but it also makes me tear up to think about it. My nephew nearly killed himself because he didn't understand his own mortality. His dad risked his own life because he absolutely understood his son's own mortality. The same decision made by two different people but with various ways of processing risk versus reward. Everything turned out okay and, luckily, there weren't two people at the bottom of the hill with fractured skulls.

Duke Thomas continues his thoughts as he's set upon by some guy whose sister was into Duke and the guy didn't like it. He says in the above caption that not accepting his own mortality isn't one of his problems and yet he goes on to state how he's become an adrenaline junkie who loves getting into dangerous situations. That's exactly the type of person that doesn't understand their own mortality! All of those people who die doing some kind of extreme activity are those kinds of people! If they truly thought they were going to die during the activity, they wouldn't be partaking in the activity. Sure, the thrill fills the body with chemicals that can be as addictive as heroin, so, in a way, they don't totally have a choice. But people who do heroin don't think they're going to die when they do heroin. And yet some do. Those are people who don't appreciate their mortality! The ones who don't do heroin don't do it because it can fucking kill you and the only point of living is to have more life!

I know, I know. A bunch of adrenaline junkies who aren't reading this because they're out living life to the fullest--carpe diem bitches!--would say that the person not willing to risk their lives for very specific forms of excitement aren't really living. But then can't we all point to everybody not doing the thing we're doing and say, "You're not really living." In such a way, we convince ourselves that we are taking full advantage of the luckiest fucking draw in the universe to have been born a sentient human being (lucky depending on how you look at it, I guess. I'd rather be a cat. Or a raccoon. Maybe even a dolphin). Of course, the medium view is probably the most objective. Again, it's all about risk versus reward. Many extreme activities aren't really that risky. Jumping out of an airplane really isn't very risky. It's just that if everything that could go wrong does go wrong, you will die. I submit that because that's a possibility, the people jumping out of airplanes take extraordinary care in preparing for the activity. Whereas somebody texting on their phone and crossing the street are doing a normal, mundane activity and will probably not take extra precautions to ensure their safety. The less dangerous an activity, the less we prepare for dire outcomes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whether you're Duke Thomas looking to get into as many fights as possible or a shut-in controlling every aspect of your life to prevent an accident, awareness of your own mortality is your best defense against death. At the very least, it should keep you from putting an explosive on your head and winking out of existence in the blink of an eye.

Anyway, Duke beats the shit out of a bunch of guys and loses the girl.

What kind of fucking street punk walks around with that kind of a ninja weapon?

Duke Thomas winds up in front of Dr. Leslie Thompkins because that's where troubled kids prone to becoming superheroes wind up. Dr. Thompkins is looking pretty young here! I think if you're going to be a part of the DCyou, you have to be DCyouthful. Kids ain't got no time to be reading about fucking old people in their thirties and shit. Which is weird because Batman just went from being about 33 to being about 85! But at least he's wearing cool ass armor with bunny ears!

Fuck you, Duke Thomas. What are you? Fifteen? You don't understand the blatant homages to late 70s films! Even if you think you do! And that goes for all you young whippersnappers making faces while reading that!

Forget Tarantino. That guy's ultimately a hack! You want to watch a modern movie that feels like you're watching something straight out of the seventies? Go watch The Devil's Rejects. I think it's on Netflix right now. Rob Zombie worked some time travel magic on that film.

Duke Thomas has been shuffling about the foster system since his parents disappeared during Endgame. Leslie Thompkins believes they'll eventually find his parents. Too bad Bruce Wayne is dead right now. Duke's going to have to become Robin on his own. Along with every other troubled youth in Gotham, according to the cover. And those troubled youths want Duke Thomas on their team. Probably because he has Batman experience.

Duke's new foster family is the typical foster family! At least it must be since it's the only foster family the media or writers are interested in talking about. Never mind the family in which New 52 Billy Batson finds himself. That's obviously an anomaly and they're all horrible houses with adults just using the kids for the monthly paycheck. This family needed an older kid to babysit the younger kids and to clean the house. I hope Duke manages to win the hand of the prince at the ball in a later issue.

Duke sneaks out and heads off into the subway system to look for his parents. Maybe they're living in Ann Nocenti's magical underground kingdom that's just about as big as Gotham itself although nobody really knows anything about it and it's super secret and somehow doesn't turn Gotham into 85% sinkholes.

What's the initiation? Bathing in rat piss?

Once again, the people living underground resent the topsiders and feel they need to destroy them. Can't the people living underground just be happy that they've escaped the weary, workaday world above them and not have to be filled with a vengeful need to destroy them? Why are the majority of people in comic books willing to hate at the drop of a ratman's hat? Is that how the world really is? Am I blind to the fact that most people are ready to spew hatred and turn on anybody else for the most mild differences? Has hiding myself away and becoming a hermit caused me to give mankind the benefit of the doubt? If Superman were real and was a citizen of the United States of America, would most United States citizens fear and despise him? I mean, I know the rest of the world would because it would suddenly be as if the US had access to pinpoint accurate nuclear weapons without fallout radiation and a Star Wars Defense System all wrapped up in a package with a magnificent set of abdominal muscles. Although this isn't exactly that! This might be worse than people turning on Superman. A bunch of downtrodden citizens of Gotham have decided to become followers in the Cult of the Ratcatcher? I don't see that guy as being particularly charismatic.

Ratcatcher proclaims that Duke must be purified, so I'm guessing all these crazed assholes following him are under some kind of Rat Piss Mind Control Concoction. Maybe he's upped his own rat control game and can now control dirty rotten scumbag homeless people. I mean, people currently down and out and who are quite possibly suffering from mental illness. Remember the days when you could insult homeless people and nobody would care?! Jesus. Now it's like you have to respect everybody! It's crazy! Can't some group choose to take one for Team Earth?! I guess we're kind of deciding that group is white men, right? Mostly because society has taught most white men to think of themselves as individuals and not just as white men, so when a comedian makes fun of white men, it's just fine. I mean, as long as it's funny! Because a white man will be all, "Ha ha! White men totally do that!" without actually connecting their whiteness and maleness to the joke itself. It's like being born not just with Kevlar but with some kind of reality bending mechanism! It's why we think everybody wants to hear our opinions as well! I've written like 2500 blog posts just filled with my super important white man opinions! I'd probably have done 5000 if it wasn't for my stupid half-Spanish blood holding back some of my arrogance and trying to keep me in my place! Curse you, Spanish mother!

Here is my list of Matrilineal ancestral names: Vega, Bega, Ortega, Rodriguez, Sanchez. The "Vega" and "Bega" are really the same name but altered because of white ass Americans when the family came over to this country. They left from Malaga, Spain, went around South America because the Panama Canal had yet to be built, and arrived in Hawaii to work on the sugar cane plantations. From there, they traveled to the bay area in California which is where my white ass dad met my mother, they banged, and I was born! ¡Olé!

But We Are Robin saves the day!

Meet the crew: Hoodhat Robin! Scarf-Ace Robin! Spanner Mohawk Robin! Cutie Pie Robin! ¡El Mysterio Robin!

Meanwhile some guy in a ski cap sits in a room full of monitors watching We Are Robin through images broadcast to him via a Robot Bat. This guy also has a closet full of Robin uniforms. It's either Bruce Wayne or a huge pervert! It's also possibly a third option that would be somebody else that isn't a pervert or Bruce Wayne!

We Are Robin #1 Rating: This is a good comic book which the kids will love because it is full of kids doing heroic things. I bet it will also be full of kids crushing on each other, fucking, falling in and out of love, and doing all that Degrassi High stuff kids love! So they'll love it for those reasons too. Oh! I know a good possible third choice for the creepy guy! Alfred! Except he was opening a door with his right hand so that might be a bad guess!