Batman Loves Superman #24

Shouldn't this be Alan Scott?

Last issue ended with Aquaman making a guest appearance to ensure that this comic book continues to be as crappy and boring as it possibly can. Although Aquaman does have his new Super-Boner Suit, so I'm a little bit excited about that.

I haven't truly hated a comic book in quite some time but the first page of this issue fixed that problem.

Before reading this page, I was thinking, "This comic book is dumb and makes no sense and features a poor representation of Superman." After reading this page, I am now thinking in bright, angry colors.

First off, it looks like Aquaman is wearing the top half of an evening gown. And I guess somebody pointed out that his groin needed a redesign but it was redesigned by somebody who doesn't know what an erection looks like because it still looks like an erection. Although now it's crossed with a cobra. Wasn't Cobra-Penis one of the Masters of the Universe?

But the art isn't what annoys me. It's the least offensive part of this page! And I use the term "offensive" in the most offensive way possible, meaning that I don't really give a shit about anything on the page because it's just a fucking comic book and my outrage is really just meaningless bluster. Superman's snarky attitude that only exists in his imagination tops the list. I'm going to assume that Commissioner Batman and Superman are in radio contact for a reason and that that reason is so they can work together. So when Gordon asks for information, shouldn't Superman at least say something? Some fanboy is probably screaming at me right now, spittle covering their monitor, "He jusht got the wind knocked out of him, shtupid!" (Yes, apparently I'm ableist against people with lateral lisps. It's just that they're so indicative of nerd rage! In much the same way neck beards, obesity, and Magic the Gathering are! Prove me wrong! Have you ever been to a Magic the Gathering tournament?! I'll fight you over this! Next Friday! At the local Magic the Gathering Friday Night Meet-up! I'll be the obese one with the neck beard and the really shitty control deck that only ever works one out of twenty-five times. But when it does work, oh boy, the horribly degrading shit I'll say about your mother!) Okay, fine. So Superman can't speak because Aquaman punched him in the gut. Then I'd also expect Superman not to have an expository interior monologue that ends in a stupid joke about how Commissioner Batman's Tuesday is going! How do you think it's going, Superman? That miniature sun is about to blow up! Duh!

Also there's a sea monster which is just stupid. Aquaman should be on a sea-horse.

Luckily on page two, the story reverts to ten minutes prior to Superman and Aquaman's showdown because I was desperate to find out how they came to blows. I'm glad it was only ten minutes earlier because I really didn't need to learn how the action moved from underground to the middle of the ocean. That shit was already explained through context. So I thank Greg Pak for having at least a little bit of awareness in his storytelling.

Arthur joined up with the Subterraneans because who the fuck knows. His prior motivation doesn't need to be explained when Greg Pak can just write in a scene with dead dolphins which explains everything. Now that Arthur has seen proof that this Miniature Sun is poisoning the sea, he's ready to attack Commissioner Batman and Lucius Fox who are trying to stabilize the sun. Oh, okay. I see why Arthur joined the battle. The Subterraneans want the Mini-sun for power and they needed help retrieving it after Commissioner Batman ordered it out to sea so that if it blows, it won't kill everyone in Gotham. Arthur doesn't want the Mini-sun to blow at sea because fuck the Land Dwellers and their ability to always fuck up the sea at every turn of their civilization. Although once Superman points out that Batman and Lucius Fox are trying to stabilize the Mini-sun which is sure to blow up at sea if Aquaman attacks, Aquaman attacks. The story couldn't be exciting if Batman, Superman, and Aquaman worked together to figure out a way to stop the Mini-sun from blowing and finding a way to help save the Subterraneans by using it as a safe power source. Exciting stories involve punches and sometimes kicks.

At least the story makes sense, I guess. The only thing left to explain is why Aquaman wouldn't work with Superman and would rather punch him?

Oh yeah. This is a Greg Pak comic book. I'm sure it's mind control.

Arthur seems to be in his right mind which means he could stop this conflict by telling the sea monsters to swim in the other direction. But I guess they're "Subterranean Sea Monsters," so they probably wouldn't listen to him anyway. So instead, he tells Superman to give up and let the Subterraneans steal the Mini-Sun. I don't know why he's asking Clark to give up. Can't he just put him in a sleeper hold and accidentally break Clark's neck? I mean, slowly send him into unconsciousness? Instead, Superman head butts Aquaman's head which is about a thousand times more dense than Superman's right now and Superman's head doesn't explode. Instead, Aquaman grabs his forehead and says something like, "That actually hurt!"

At one point during the fisticuffs, Superman even thinks how he's tired of trying to explain things to Aquaman. That's standard Heroes Fighting 101! Of course Superman continues to fight because this version of Superman doesn't trust Aquaman to help save the day. Even if he thinks Aquaman is a joke, can't he trust that Aquaman will do anything to save his precious ocean? I get why Superman doesn't trust Commissioner Batman though. Even without super senses, he can smell cop all over that guy.

How many more cliches can we pack into this issue? I hope quite a few more since I did pay $3.99 for it.

You can tell how close the story is to ending by moments like this. Will Ukur finally believe Superman? If he does, the story is about to wind down. If he doesn't, more issues ahoy! I'm sure he'll finally calm down and begin listening to Superman now because this story needs to wrap up along with the other "Truth" Superman stories.

Commissioner Batman and Superman ride the rocket containing the Mini-sun into the sky so that it will blow up harmlessly in the atmosphere unless having a Mini-sun go nova in Earth's atmosphere is the opposite of harmless. Oh, I'm sure it'll be okay. All of those fears about the atmosphere igniting were proven to be just fears way back at Trinity, right? I mean, that wasn't a sun exploding but it was nearly the same thing! Probably!

Superman decides he's going to sit on top of the explosion in the hopes that it will reignite his powers and not just kill him. At this point, I'm hoping he just disintegrates because he's apparently too difficult to write.

Too bad for Commissioner Superman and Batman, the Dawn Command fly in with a spaceship and steal the Mini-sun. I guess the leader of the Dawn Command is one of the people joining with Wrath to destroy Superman and the Mini-sun is needed for their plan to succeed. And I guess Ukur and the Subterraneans will just have to go back to sitting in the dark. "Ha, ha!" as everybody in this comic book has been saying for some reason.

One of the escaped convicts from Blackgate yells all the appropriate things in the hearing range of Lucius Fox so he can offer to help them with their power problem at reasonable rates. Commissioner Batman doesn't say "Hey! That's a Blackgate Prison jumpsuit! Don't move! You're under arrest!" at all. Ukur tries to get the fighting going again because I guess he likes punching things better than light sources. But Aquaman knows how to keep this story on track to bring it to a happy conclusion!

Why couldn't somebody have said this four issues ago?! It rings so hollow being said now after I've spent sixteen dollars on this god-awful story!

Commissioner Gordon chastises Superman for good reasons and even makes some reasonable points. But Superman ignores him because he's Superman and how dare anybody that isn't Bruce Wayne tell him that he's acting like a total fucking dangerous douchebag? Clark decides to go speak with Bruce Wayne because he needs to be told he's doing the right thing, even if it's by some guy that doesn't recognize him anymore and has no idea what Clark is actually talking about.

That totally makes sense. Superman really wants advice from this guy?

I've played enough basketball in my life to know that it doesn't matter the size of the person who cries foul or who's doing the potential fouling. I've played too many games with my old high school friend who I haven't mentioned in a long time, Soy Rakelson, to know that Bruce's justice is bullshit. Soy was the king of fouling in basketball and he was the smallest guy on the court. If I had claimed that he kept fouling me on purpose, Bruce would have told me to shut the fuck up because I was the bigger person. Eat dick, Bruce. And, yes, I know these kids are playing soccer. They're practically the same thing. A bunch of people chasing a ball around and constantly claiming they're being fouled.

Clark learns some wisdom from Bruce even though it's the opposite wisdom he learned the last time this scene unfolded in Batman Loves Superman #1. Unless it was a different issue. It was one of those Jae Lee issues, anyway, because he made the wacky trees look really good. I guess Superman just likes to hear what he wants to hear so that he can feel good continuing to do the stupid bullshit he's been doing. What an asshole.

The epilogue has Vandal Savage meeting up with Wrath to point out that he's not Jesus Christ like I guessed he was. Also, he's stolen the Mini-sun because "a few thousand years of planning always pays off." What? He's been planning this for two thousand years or more? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

This appearance of Vandal Savage is the exact opposite of his appearance in Justice League United #13. And just so you can decipher what I mean by that, Vandal's appearance in Justice League United was the best thing ever.

Batman Loves Superman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book. I hate that every little moment is some kind of Greg Pak thinks he's teaching the reader some kind of wisdom moment when it's actually shallow bullshit that doesn't actually add up. It's Superman acting like an asshole but unable to see that he's acting like an asshole because Greg Pak is desperately trying to make the other characters seem like the problem. It's a whole bunch of Superman bitching about how he's lost all of his powers and he can die at any moment but then headbutting Aquaman and taking bullets in the back and succeeding at activities that a powerless man could never actually succeed at. It's too much Superman being human and proving that anybody can do anything as long as they have the spirit and gumption to keep going punctuated by Superman continually pointing out how lucky he was to survive. I just fucking hate this comic book.