The Omega Men #4

Imagine that. A fantastic comic book with gorgeous covers to match.

This comic book isn't real, right? I'm completely dreaming it, aren't I? Who designs these beautiful travel poster covers?! Trevor Hutchison? Mister Twitter, please tell him how much he rocks. Thank you.

This issue has a guest artist so I might be slightly disappointed. But I have to imagine that this comic book will disappoint me more than most of the others at some point simply because I look forward to it so much. I hope those horrible Omega Men get what they deserve this issue. Terrorist jerkos! Don't they know they're upsetting the status quo by rocking the boat like they do?

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner and Princess Kalista discussing how they can't sleep. Kyle can't sleep because he's a captive and Kalista can't sleep because she's a lying whore! You aren't a captive, Kalista! You're the leader of the Omega Men! Stop toying with Kyle Rayner's feelings! Don't you know he's a sensitive artist! I mean, he's a comic book artist anyway. How sensitive can they actually be? They draw kiddie cartoons!

It's nice to see Rayner actually acknowledge his life before Lanterning, even if he's doing it with pointy little duck lips.

Kyle Rayner tells Princess Kalista his origin story although he leaves out the part about how he had his dick in his hands when Ganthet found him. But he does admit that he wasn't anything special and only received the ring because Ganthet was drunk and horny.

Kyle also mentions he had a girlfriend but he leaves out the refrigerator. That's probably a smart move because Kalista might not know what a refrigerator is and then he'd have to describe how hard it is to fit a body in one full of racks and vegetables and expired milk. Just saying she's dead is the right choice.

Kalista begins to yawn so Kyle quickly gets to the point of this story about how he ended up in the clutches of the notoriously vile Omega Men.

Eww! They're such manipulative bastards!

Kyle is having trouble learning that you can't save everyone even though it's practically the first lesson every super hero learns. It's probably because his loved one was killed in such a horrifically comical way. You don't get over finding your dead girlfriend stuffed in among the yogurt and pickles. Especially when it was your actions that ultimately put her there. I mean, Kyle bought that jar of pickles and the Vanilla Bean Yogurt. What if he'd bought larger items? What if he'd placed some watermelons in that fridge. Then maybe Alex would still be alive, you know?

Primus and Tigorr (Primus is the public leader of the Omega Men and Tigorr is the one that eats breakfast cereal and goes into battle yelling, "GRRRRRRRRRREAT!") watch Kalista bond with Kyle via hidden camera. Kyle is the most important part of their plan to defeat The Citadel. They call him the bomb but I don't think it's because he's super sexy. I think it's because he's going to have to explode in the heart of The Citadel's capital once he gets his ring back. Hopefully before then, Kalista can convince him that to save most everybody, you have to kill a few other everybodies.

Next Kalista tells her history. She explains how she kills people every morning to become a better swordfighter, how her people believe that Alpha was the first king of their royal lineage and not a god, and how The Citadel eventually punished them for that belief. She doesn't tell him about how swollen her lady parts get around Primus or about how quickly she can bring him to orgasm. I only mention that because that's what I want to hear about.

Kalista also explains the difference between the six planets in the Vega system. I think there are actually twenty-two, at least according to the old DC Universe. But maybe only six of them matter. If Kalista doesn't mention Tamaran, I'll know she's leaving a bunch out for some reason. Probably political reasons. I bet X'hal kicked The Citadel's ass out of the region of planets around Tamaran.

Euphorix was the planet where Kalista and her people were placed. It was already inhabited but when has that ever stopped any sentient being ever? Might makes property ownership!

The conquerors of Ogyptu turned their natives into slaves but Kalista's dad was all, "Too hot!" Changalyn was a planet full of religious nuts bribed by The Citadel to keep peace and Kalista's dad was all, "Too cold!" The planet Karna is a constant battlefield between the feline natives and The Citadel because cats can't be kept in check, dammit! Kalista's dad was all, "Too some other temperature that isn't right!" Hyn'xx just let the natives free to do what they want to do which seemed to be buying, selling, and orgying. Kalista's father was all, "Too different from the way I run things on Euphorix so it must be wrong!" The final planet was Voorl. The natives put up a shield when The Citadel came and nobody has been able to enter or leave since then. Kalista's father was all, "Too impenetrable!" So they went back to Euphorix where Kalista's father said, "Now get back to killing the natives, sweetie." And so she did. And her father walked away without saying, "Just right!", and left everybody without a feeling of catharsis because the tale wasn't wrapped up symmetrically.

Kalista points out how the Omega Men suck but The Citadel sucks more and Kyle Rayner thinks, "She's vulnerable! Time to take advantage of her!" Little does he know she's just made him the vulnerable one! Ha ha! Take that, male dominated modes of thought!

I hope Earthlings aren't allergic to Primus's semen or Kyle's penis is going to fall off after he has sex with Kalista.

Kalista finishes her story by sticking her tongue in Kyle's mouth. Also, she asks him to save her. Because if he needs to save someone and he failed to save Alex then maybe he should just save her instead. Plus while he's saving her, maybe he can possibly find the time to save everybody else in the Vega system too? Oh, and don't forget about the tongue!

The Omega Men #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Can't DC Comics force their bad comic book writing employees to read this book to discover how really well constructed stories are told? I think DC Comics should have a meeting where they put all of the bad writers who I won't mention by name here into a room with a stack of Tom King comic books and say, "Do this! Do this kind of stuff right here." Then they'll have to add, "Not this exactly, Scott! Stop copying it!" And somebody will have to say, "Cullen, you and Frank are not leaving this room until you've finished the entire stack!" And maybe DC Comics will also have to say something like, "Tony, stop sketching Wonder Woman's boobs on the covers of all of the comics! Read them!" And then David will say, "Hey, Tony! Stop drawing my woman!" And then they'll get into a fist fight on the big double splash page of the comic book depicting the class. And then Tom King will be surprised to find a big bonus check on his desk and a huge contract to make an Omega Man movie and a Grayson television show. And then he'll turn to the camera and say, "You rock, Tess!", and he'll wink! Then I'll swoon and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table and die. The end!