Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

Supergirl #37

Best cover of the entire New 52 ever.

Can you imagine a DC Universe based on Darwyn Cooke's variant covers? I suppose that would be a kind of Golden Age era where the heroes mostly enjoyed their lives and smiled a lot. But Golden Age comics are so hard to read! I want a modern writing sensibility with writers that know the majority of their audience are intelligent adults (or, at least, adults) but with happy heroes that enjoy doing what they do! Like a Batman that revels in breaking bones and giving his enemies internal injuries! Okay, maybe he revels in it now. But he never smiles! I want to see him smile while he dislocates The Mad Hatter's jaw!

Last issue, Supergirl found herself in an exclusive school called The Crucible. They'd given her the pitch and she was ready to sign up but they never did tell her how much tuition was. She's going to be buried in loans when this is over. And she'll probably be living off of a Galactic Credit Card which she signed up for outside of the student union. I suspect by the time she completes her courses and makes it back to Earth, Superman is going to give her yet another of his interminable lectures.

Have you noticed how Superman can't stop telling Supergirl what she's doing wrong and how she should be acting, and Batman does the same thing to Catwoman? There should be a word for when a man thinks he knows better than a woman and treats her like a child. Some man should tell a woman to get on that.

This issue begins with Supergirl writing in her diary. The comic book doesn't say anything about a diary or a journal, but her Narration Boxing has increased to Scott Lobdell levels and the only way I can deal with it is to read it as if she's writing down her experiences at the end of the day. Maybe I should read it as if she's telling me her story because we're a couple and she's sitting next to me in front of a warm fire telling me about her experience at the Crucible!

Luckily Kara has been teamed up with some other students so they can have hilarious adventures in Study Group. And she's quickly pegged her companions so the audience knows exactly what their quirks and foibles are! Maxima is smart but emotionless so Kara guesses that she "doesn't play well with others." Tsavo, being animal-like, is "quick to pounce" but he's sometimes misguided by his emotions! And Comet is "clever and thoughtful, but preens far too much."

How long has Supergirl been around these students since last issue? She's either quite perceptive or she simply makes up back stories to everybody she meets and subsequently ignores the real person. I think Kara is one of those shallow assholes that don't really pay attention to the world around them but they wholeheartedly believe they're some kind of an old soul with amazing intuition and an incredible ability to read people. Meanwhile they spend an awful lot of time nodding their heads at everything everybody says while grunting out noises that show they're interested, all the while thinking up things they think the other person is really trying to say.

Ugh! Forget Mike, Kara! You're at school! Long distance relationships are fantasies! It'll never work out now! Dump him!

At Tactical Class, Kara shows up her know-it-all teacher and puts him in his place while teenagers everywhere cheer. Good for you, Kara! Standing up to that teacher that isn't listening to a student that offers no proof to go along with her contrary account of the teacher's lecture! Don't let the patriarchy continue to spread its bullshit lies! Let the young people spread poorly fact checked "truths" that sound great and back their positions so thoroughly that there's no way they could possibly have been made up or twisted in some way! Go young people! Fight the power!

Of course Maxima's account is going to be correct because this is a fictional account making a point about how teachers don't know everything and a good teacher listens to everybody instead of staunchly refusing to veer from the same old way of looking at things. Especially since the story of Planet Y57 is a story about indigenous peoples being removed from their homes by an invading force because the indigenous people's home was full of resources that the invaders wanted. It sounds vaguely familiar. As if it were the invaders Manifest Destiny and Y57's natural resources already belonged to them. Totally understandable! What older person doesn't believe in Manifest Destiny? Stupid young people losing their futures by believing they have to endure debt to get a proper education! Maybe they should have paid more attention to that Manifest Destiny thing instead of becoming victims of the old loop de loop reversal stolen future Manifest Destiny perpetrated on them by greedy old people! Ha ha! Naive suckers! You thought you were learning to think and gaining knowledge for a future career but instead you were being pickpocketed by your parents and grandparents!

I'm actually much more sympathetic to the plight of young people trying to get an education in a greedy, everything-for-profit nation state that they're currently living in than that previous paragraph might suggest. I think children need to learn at a much earlier age that adults constantly lie to them and that the world they live in is not one they simply have to accept. By the time they're in college, they're already like a rat deep in the trap. Even by the time they're in high school, it's very nearly too late. They learn to be full of sound and fury but they've already become entrenched in the system. Actually extricating themselves and making real changes is tough when all the trappings you're used to are pieces of the trap containing you. That's why I'm writing adaptations of college level novels for elementary school children! Those are the years kids should be learning the lessons taught by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Catch-22 and The Grapes of Wrath! But even elementary school might be too late by now! Because one of the biggest hooks the trap employs is attached to one of the most irresistible lures: the cell phone! Before kids can even understand what a contract is, they're hooked to phones that, generally, demand contracts. By the time they learn about the monthly bill and the contract, they can no longer do without their phones. And no matter how full of sound and fury they are against the system, it fucking signifies nothing because they're already inside the trap. And it's just a matter of time until the trap dulls their edges and they become a complacent adult just trying to get by and raise their children and pay their mortgage and pay their car payments and pay their (for the first time ever and possibly more insidious than the rest since you cannot opt out of this one by just not living (okay, you can, I guess)!) mandatory health care payment.

Oh yes, young person, you think I'm deluded? Look at how passionate your hippie grandparents were. And look at what happened to them.

Seriously though, I'm rooting for you. But I fear the trappings of capitalism are just too much to battle against. And I fear you also will fall to them, and fail.

Not that I ever fell! I'm still fighting the good fight! Fuck, um, corporate America! Fuck, um, things! Bad things especially! And, um, fuck -isms! I mean the bad -isms like racism and, um, the other ones! And fuck people afraid of being -ismed by the very people they fight alongside so they quell their rage when they should be, um, even more ragingier! Fuck censorship unless it can theoretically prevent rape and then I, um, guess it's okay, right? Stick it to our parents, man! They never fucking understood us anyway! Fuck our parents right in the buttholes! Mmm, yeah! Take it, mom! Take it, dad! Yeah! Individual rights! Freedom from oppression! Unless it's the good kind of oppression teaching me the proper way to act and the right words to say! In your face, everything I should be against! It's about time we should all believe in everything in which we should all believe! Freedom!

Later, Kara has Sparring Class with Comet.

So now Kara thinks he's "cleverer and more thoughtfuler"?

Kara has some other classes with members from her study group and it's just as hilarious and wacky as Community has taught us to expect from study groups!

Later, the Preceptor and Vice-Preceptor meet with Crucible's Alumni Benefactors. Or the High Council. Something like that. It's a secret meeting that the study group isn't privy too so I bet it will be full of crazy secrets about the true purpose of Crucible! I bet all these elite super heroes are being trained for nefarious purposes! Wouldn't that just be typical?!

So the Crucible is like Mormonism (is that one of the bad -isms?!)! The students here have to go on missions! And they're going to be cloned! That's what goes on in all of those Mormon temples all over the West Coast that look exactly alike, right? They clone people there?

Later Supergirl is shocked to find that Maxima is only at college to find a mate. That is shocking! I thought people went to college to find lots and lots of mates on a near constant basis! And to even experiment with mates that they normally wouldn't mate with!

Supergirl hugs herself in her dorm room. I did a lot of that in college too!

While the Preceptors discuss plans to kidnap Superboy and turn him into a living weapon, Kara and her study group head to Tsavo's home planet to help quell a rebellion. Or start one. One of those! It's a war and they're on one side of it and it might not even be the right side because the Crucible is shady!

Oh no! The rebels! I hope they don't teach the study group what they're really fighting for and turn them all around on the civil war and make them unsure about trusting the Crucible any longer! I sure hope that doesn't happen!

Or maybe the rebels really are the bad guys even though that seems ludicrous because they're fighting against the traditional powers that are almost always guilty of oppressing certain groups for the benefit of others!

Or they're just led by a super villain with Daddy Issues. That was my second guess!

How come the old school last page reveal of the evil super group is still so satisfying?

Supergirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. At first, I thought I wasn't going to enjoy Supergirl being yanked off of Earth to have college adventures in space. But this is kind of what Supergirl has been doing during her entire run. She's shuttled off to one unfamiliar environment to the next as she backpedals and tries to figure out how she fits in. This is just another one of her fish out of the barrel stories! And so far, I think I like it. Do I like it? Can someone please tell me if I should like it?

Green Lantern #37

Why is the moon exploding while Xagyg attacks Earth? And why are Earth's continents different?

Last issue, Hal Jordan recruited Black Hand in his battle against the New Gods. That's always a smart move! Because everybody knows that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, at least up until you've defeated your mutual enemy and now your old enemy's enemy has all of the weapons you lent him and knows your strategies and, well, probably hates you too. Sometimes it's best just to remember that the enemy of your enemy is probably your enemy and you should just crush them all at the same time.

This issue begins by introducing me to The Singularity Stockade. It's the New Gods' multiversal prison which I've never heard of before. It's possible that it's brand new and everybody is hearing about it for the first time right now. It looks like a huge golf ball because that's the most aerodynamic form ever created. Unless you don't manage to hit it with absolute pinpoint precision, which is near impossible, and then it tends to fly off into the water or the rough and lots of people laugh at you.

Aboard the New Gods Prison Planet are most of the Green Lanterns and the Star Sapphires and the more important Yellow Lanterns and the only Blue Lantern and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, who is a Green Lantern but deserves special mention for being so adorable. I don't see any Black Lanterns though, so at least these idiots have hope of being rescued. Although they'll have to live down being rescued by Hal Jordan who won't let anybody forget that he saved the day. Especially Sinestro. Boy is Sinestro's nose going to be full of his own piddle soon!

You idiot, Kilowog. Green is right in the center of the spectrum! And it's closer to yellow than indigo! Go back to Seventh Grade Art Class, dumby! Wait. That won't help! Those color charts are different for some reason. According to that class, willpower is the result of hope mixed with fear!

John Stewart attempts to use his ring to escape only to be reminded, once again, that the "greatest weapon in the universe" is just a novelty piece of shit.

Aww, my sweet 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! And a nice burn by Sinestro! Kind of. I mean, really, what does it say about Earthlings that they've had five of them chosen to be Green Lanterns? You'd think it was the only planet in Sector 2814 with those kinds of results.

Sinestro tries to use his Parallax as a means of escape but it refuses to stay erect. Sinestro's shame and impotence is exposed for all to see. Even though the rest of the Lanterns remain trapped after Sinestro's defeat, they're all kind of glad that he fucked up the escape. Who wants that bastard lording it over them that he saved the day? Fuck that guy. Although Sinestro does finish his "gloat at my failure if you want to be a dick about it" speech by pointing out that only one thing could be worse than Sinestro himself saving your ass. Now they are all relying on Hal Jordan.

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he spends some time trying to convince Black Hand to help him until he finally discovers the proper incentive.

Not just any space war! A multiversal space war!

Hal and William head to the Source Wall where they were supposed to meet Sinestro. Instead they meet Orion and a battalion (or squad (or regiment (I don't know military group sizes!))) of Highfather's Divine Guards. Apparently the Divine Guards are no match for g-g-g-g-g-ghosts because Black Hand's Black Lanterns make short work of them. Right up until Black Hand becomes distracted with the realization that the Source Wall is a mass grave and he stops projecting his Black Lanterns into the fray. I guess that's okay because he just discovered a whole new army to bring against the New Gods. An army that has intimate knowledge of The Life Equation!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: No change. Now I wish Black Hand had gotten his own comic book instead of Sinestro.

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of goat.se.

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like goat.se as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the goat.se guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!

All Star Western #34

Just pretend I said the most obvious thing you can think of about this cover. I'm too depressed to care.

All Star Western has consistently been one of the most entertaining comic books of The New 52. It was fun and interesting and had some characters with which I could identify. But that time is over. This is the last issue of the comic book. I'm sad to see it go but all things eventually explode their brains all over the far wall, slide slowly down to the ground, stop moving forever, and are soon forgotten by everybody else that are busy with the job of living. It's just the way it is! Unless I'm mixing up reality with zombie flicks again.

Speaking of not being in touch with reality and zombie flicks, all y'all that participate in those zombie crawls had better fucking be careful! All it takes is one schizophrenic with access to a shotgun and a penchant for zombie films to stumble around the wrong corner and think, "Holy fuck! I need to save the world!" I have a feeling this kind of thing already happened once in Seattle a number of years ago. That might be the one time I could let somebody off for mass murder. You'd have to realize their heart was in the right place when they came back to the scene of the zombie invasion with a shotgun intent on saving the world. People always say it's the intent that counts, right?! Do they say that? I don't know if they say that. I don't interact with a lot of people.

I'm already starting to tear up and get sad!

The reason I'm sad is because, I figure, there's only one possible way this book can end and that's with the death of the Jonah Hex we've been following for the last thirty four issues. You see, we can't have a Jonah Hex without the facial scar. So the way I see it, All Star Western #1 began the story in a timeline that was not the regular New 52 New Earth timeline. When Jonah Hex went into the future with Booster Gold (who probably was the "real" Booster Gold that had found himself lost in time and timelines), he crossed over into The New 52 New Earth timeline. That timeline had its own Jonah Hex who our Jonah Hex met stuffed and mounted while in the future. That stuffed Jonah still had the facial scars and was much older than our Jonah which proves that's the Jonah that will survive this coming, ahem, face off. Booster returned Jonah to the past of the New 52 New Earth timeline where he never belonged. He's now heard tales of a person going around as himself and feels he must go confront the imposter. But he will learn that he himself is the imposter. Once our Jonah Hex is killed and All Star Western ends, what we'll be left with is a perfectly blank slate Jonah Hex which the next writers that use him can do whatever they want with. He will not be tied to anything that came before in All Star Western.

Hopefully what I just wrote happens even though it's sad to think about. I like the idea of this character I've been following and fallen in love with, this Jonah Hex, will have a complete story told within the thirty four issues of this comic book. It feels right. The only other ending I can imagine is that our Jonah Hex will be maimed in the fight and survive with the same disfiguring scar as before. But I hope that won't be the case. I truly hope Jonah, this Jonah--our Jonah--dies in the upcoming battle.

Now excuse me while I read the rest of this comic book without comment. I need a private moment.

Dammit! I can't just keep reading without commenting on this!

George Barrow was the name of the man that killed Jonah Hex in old continuity!

So it looks like our Jonah is definitely out of his own time. Hopefully Gray and Palmiotti are just playing on the old continuity to set up twisting the story somewhat in this one. Otherwise after our Jonah kills this time's Jonah, he'll be killed by the owner of the Spectacular Wild West Review (or his bodyguard, more like). I don't want both Jonahs to die!

The man helping out this timeline's Jonah Hex (who doesn't have as impressive a scar as we're all used to but you can never know what's going on from artist to artist. This guy could just be an imposter by the looks of him) is named Wheeler. Lew Wheeler was the name of the man what killed George Barrow. All this is detailed in DC's 1985 Who's Who series! So now I'm not sure what's going to happen! Maybe this guy is a fake because his scar sucks and the guy coming into town right now to kill him is the real real Jonah Hex and our Jonah Hex is going to just walk away while they kill each other! And then maybe another Jonah Hex from Earth-36 will appear and he'll marry Amadeus Arkham! That should be the All Star Western Annual #1 story!

After seeing the fake Jonah Hex, I don't want that thing I first said I want to happen happen. He's a pudgy, ugly, uncharismatic train wreck. I want my Jonah Hex to live!

Hopefully Jonah Hex will work out a deal with the Wild West Show man Farnham to tell the story that's in DC's Who's Who. He'll kill this fake Jonah (that I don't even want to think of as the Jonah of this timeline anymore! Let's just say I was wrong about that and that Jonah was gone long enough for this guy to fill the vacuum and live off Jonah's reputation, and then say no more about how wrong I was), sell the corpse to Farnham, and disappear with Tallulah. Farnham will say that he killed Hex's killer and there you have it! Easy as Bob's your uncle! Or something.

After Tallulah goes to sleep, Jonah heads over to confront fake as fuck Jonah Hex. And he heads over with a hatchet, so it looks like he's going to get that corpse looking just right for the part as a future stuffed oddity! Jonah isn't going to change the grim future he saw; he's going to make it happen. He's my kind of guy with a keen understanding of time travel!

Actually, Jonah's just a murderous dope that kills a guy because he was pretending to be him. Then he and Tallulah walk away as Lew Farnham (Farnum, Farnham...it's spelled differently in two different places in the book) takes the body of the fake Jonah to add to his show. Wheeler just gets the name of Hex's killer from Jonah which is George Barrow. And so the story is retold letting Jonah Hex live. I liked my version as well but since I like this character so much, I'm glad he'll be around for more stories later. Especially since the fake Jonah Hex was a horrid lout!

Aw! He even does the "you're an X" elementary school comeback! I love him so much!

All Star Western #34 Rating: +5 Ranking! What a great fucking ending to this book. I love that Jonah Hex was the architect for the his own death as written in the history books (and DC's Who's Who!). It's such a perfect way to leave a character from the New 52's past. Nothing is written in stone because nobody from the future even knows about Jonah Hex's secret life after he supposedly died. I look forward to the next Jonah Hex series where he gets lost at sea and winds up in Australia. Or maybe he'll have more time travel adventures. Or maybe he'll discover Atlantis. I bet Mera is one of his descendants. She's got a temper just like Hex's! Um, anyway, I loved the entire run of this series and the ending was more perfecter than even the horribly depressing ending that I came up with!