Nightwing #20

Accessory to murder!

The Review!
Lately, it's like Tim Seeley is reading my mind. This story — hell, the basic story of Dick Grayson since time began, I suppose — refuses to take part in the typical DC Narrative where pain and loss and Daddy Issues are the things that create heroes.

I was surprised to find that Dick Grayson quickly became my favorite hero of The New 52 and beyond. It took me awhile to realize why I shouldn't have been surprised at all.

I can be completely and utterly cynical in nearly every aspect of my life. I don't have an earnest bone in my body (hee hee! I said "a bone in my body"!). But comic books seem to be the one place where I don't want to see cynicism. I don't want to read postmodern takes on the genre. I don't want to see hot takes on how superheroes fit into our modern world. I just want to read stories about good and noble people doing the right thing no matter how hard that thing is. I want to see Superman deescalating violent situations because what does he have to fear physically? I want Batman to care about the lives of the people of Gotham more than he obsesses over the identity of The Joker. I want to see Nightwing...well, you know what? I'm seeing Nightwing do what I want to see Nightwing do. It's why he quickly became my favorite character. Because he's not a hero born of tragedy (even if he literally was!). His origin story wasn't that his parents were murdered by some criminal. His origin story was that there was hope and love and kindness ready to catch him in its safety net after the tragedy happened. He wasn't formed out of vengeance or justice or revenge. He was formed when Bruce Wayne took him under his wing and told him everything would be okay. Dick Grayson was born of optimism and kindness and hope and joy. I might be a cynical bastard but that is the character I want to read about in my comic books.

The reason I was so surprised that Dick Grayson became my favorite character though is that I couldn't fucking stand him for years. Anybody who read nearly a decade of his characterization by Marv Wolfman can absolutely understand why. He had some really insecure moments with his relationship with Batman in those years. What a fucking tool.

One of the things I loved seeing in The New 52 was how Batman treated Nightwing with respect and as an equal peer. He doesn't even treat Superman that way! I missed the years that Dick served as Batman with Damian as his Robin so I've only seen how their relationship formed through The New 52. This issue reminds me of the other side of Nightwing. He has both the respect and love of the older generation as well as the future generation. He is the hero previous heroes wanted to inspire. And he is the hero future heroes will try to emulate. Without Dick Grayson in his life, there's no telling how much of a horrible bastard Damian would be. I mean horribler bastard.

Anyway, Doctor Hurt dies again at the end of this story, killed by Deathwing as he himself kills Deathwing. But before he dies (killed by the blade that shows people multiverses, so maybe not totally dead but multiversed?), he explains to Nightwing that he, the embodiment of evil, saw something that scared him so much that the only thing he could think of doing was to make Nightwing, the most heroic of DC's heroes, as strong as he possibly could. Because only Nightwing can face The Watchmen, I suppose.

The Ranking!
+1!

Nightwing #19

This month: Nightwing takes over on drums for Styx on their revival tour and Damian Wayne trips!

The Review!
If you're into naked man ass, you'll love page two of this comic book! If you're also into huge birds of prey, you'll fucking ruin your underwear over page two of this comic book! So good!

Nightwing battles Deathwing in this issue while saying all of the things that I just said about what's wrong with superheroes in my commentary on Justice League #19. Defacer also says some good stuff. They're standing up for heroes being heroes. Sure, Simon Hurt is targeting Nightwing personally which is the main thing I hate about the state of comic book stories. But it's okay sometimes if the writer has a story to tell. And the story here is that Dr. Simon Hurt wants to ruin the purest super hero DC Comics currently has. He wants to take away everything that makes Dick Grayson better than Batman, better than Superman even. He wants to hurt him and take away his humanity and his kindness and his optimism. Dr. Simon Hurt thinks he can make Dick better by making him a weapon devoid of his human side. He sees the human aspect of Dick Grayson as being weak. But it's the strongest part of him.

Don't worry, people into naked woman ass! This comic has something for you too!

I haven't really discussed Deathwing much because I can't remember much about him. Here, he's just a Dollotron. But the original Deathwing was from the Team Titans future. I was rereading The Titans, Team Titans, and Deathstork but stalled about a year ago before getting to the Deathwing reveal. It's too bad because I bet I'd have some really smart things to say about his appearance here, if only I could remember anything about him! I think maybe he was fucking Mirage? Or maybe the original Dick was and then when Lord Chaos was defeated, perhaps it changed Dick's future so that he became known as the asshole Deathwing. Maybe I should get back to rereading those before this story arc is finished so I can reestablish my credentials as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Right now I'm failing!

Nightwing defeats Deathwing by cutting him with the blade from the other end of the universe. It causes people to see various future realities. Apparently the one Deathwing sees is the one that turns him into a scared little boy who never wanted to become a dollotron. That seems far-fetched! Who wouldn't want to be a sexless dollotron with no sense of identity?! It sounds like bliss.

Nightwing leaves Defacer to coddle Deathwing and rushes off to stop Dr. Hurt from killing Damian. He finds Dr. Hurt waiting to monologue before killing Damian. He's all, "Batman was forged from tragedy but I can't figure out the tragedy to forge you! But you were still cracking jokes after seeing your bleak future and after seeing your girlfriend about to be turned into living art. Well, let's see if you can make a joke when Robin dies at dawn! Did you hear me? Do you get it? Have I said it enough times yet? I said 'Robin Dies at Dawn'! That's clever, right? It's my origin story! Ah ha ha ha!"

Dr. Hurt stands over Robin's lifeless body with a bloody knife which causes Nightwing to stumble and fall into hell. The cover lied! It showed Robin stumbling! Stupid covers.

The Ranking!
No change! Even though Dr. Hurt is targeting Nightwing specifically, at least the only people being hurt are Dick's girlfriend and brother. Oh, and the dozens and dozens and dozens of people turned into Nightwing Dollotrons! But they don't matter, right? They're basically just like potted plants in the background. Nobody cares about their previous lives or what will happen to them when this story is over. It's best not to think about all the collateral damage that happens when villains specifically target heroes. That way leads to stories like Justice League's "Timeless" or DC's "Legends" or Superman's identity crisis or all the ones where people hate Batman or the Teen Titans or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. Actually, it's standard policy to hate Aquaman.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!

See?!

Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.

Nightwing #17

Deathwing has the worst ass in the DCU.

The Review!
I'll just cut to the chase: Deathwing is a Dollotron. In France, a Damian Dollotron also turns up but that one seems confused and willing to help Nightwing and Damian. That's all of the crucial plot points revealed in this issue. I'm not sure why Professor Pyg's Deathwing Dollotron has a blade that can cause Nightwing to see alternate realities but then I don't really know much about Professor Pyg. He's a pervert who likes to turn children into sexless dolls with masks glued to their faces, right? That seems about right for a Batman villain created by Grant Morrison.

Professor Pyg has Shawn. He thinks she can lift up his art since she's an artist. What's more artsy than turning an artist into a faceless, sexless work of perverse art? Not much that I can think of!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

Nightwing #8

"Nightwing" looks like a verb that is probably a pretty raunchy sex act. "I'm nightwing your mom right now because we nightwed last week and she was totally into it."

Last issue, Raptor tried to convince Dick that he was Dick's dad because it's always a laugh riot convincing your friends you've banged their mother. But then Raptor also decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Bruce Wayne for some reason. I think it had to do with branding. Branding is not a superhero name.

Dick decides to start this issue by having a vague memory of one night when his mom and dad were up late talking about some strange guy bothering his mother. He had two attributes that made Nightwing's dad uncomfortable: his eyes and his...okay, it was just his eyes! I meant both of his eyes. The two of them! I totally wasn't going to say his penis because I'm maturing. It's 2017 and Donald Trump is about to be president. The time for dick jokes is long over and, possibly, took us down this road.

That must have been one uncomfortable cavity search. Although I'm sure Bruce could handle it. He probably had a miniature Batcycle crammed up there.

Raptor is upset with how Batman and Bruce Wayne fight crime. He's more upset that he took a Romani child and turned him into another rich white douchebag who battles street crime instead of helping destroy poverty and racism and other probably important stuff. The kind of stuff I can't be arsed to care about because, individually, I'm doing okay. But when I stop doing okay, you better believe I'll be out there trying to convince people to care about my issues! I'll be all, "I totally cared about your issues back then! Just don't read my commentary on Nightwing #8 and if you do, remember that I'm a largely facetious person who never really expresses perfect truths! I'm complicated!" Maybe I shouldn't even mention this review if I don't want people to read it because asking them not to read it will probably make them curious and then they'll read it! What jerks!

Raptor had better hope he found Bruce's microphone which broadcasts constantly to Alfred just in case a bad guy decides to monologue his plans (which is nearly every case). I won't say where the microphone is hidden but it involves gauging.

People who believe in the Stock Market as some sort of entity that creates wealth will still acknowledge that certain press drives stock prices up and down. Yet the people who listen to experts about the Stock Market never question how that's a thing if stocks are supposed to be representative of a company's profit and prosperity. They're not. Prices are representative of how popular a stock is and whether people think it's worth holding onto for a little longer because people are still buying it. But give some bad press about a company and watch the stock drop. Not because the press affects the profitability of the business. It simply damages its reputation which makes people fear other people will sell the stock so they sell the stock in fear that the price will drop and then the price drops because everybody starts selling. Analysts point to these things and call them anomalies or bubbles or blips and that they're not part of the actual system. The system, they say, is that prices generally go up and money keeps getting created and everybody eventually has a retirement fund. But the truth is that if no new buyers entered the Stock Market, it would cease to function profitably. The Stock Market does not generate money. It does not grow cash. Just like a pyramid scheme, it needs money coming in for those already in it to make money.

Yes, yes. There are things called dividends which companies pay out to shareholders when the company makes a profit. Those are totally different and probably the way every stock should work. If I'm investing money into your stupid company, I should get more of a return than the hope that later somebody will want to buy the stupid piece of paper with the Gold Star I received for giving the company my cash. Of course, it's probably more like I gave the five thousandth owner of that piece of paper money, like a comic book sold across many buyers, long since in the hands of the original owner. But at least I can read a fucking comic book.

I have this Stock Market rant once or twice a year and nobody has ever been able to explain to me how I'm wrong and the Stock Market actually does work in the way that analysts will tell you it works (mostly because analysts have lots of money in it and they want to keep perpetuating the system until they can cash out). I'll stop when somebody explains it to me in a way that doesn't make it out to be a scam instead of the answer I usually get which is "I'm sure it doesn't work like that at all."

Nightwing arrives to save the day! Except that Raptor isn't done with his rant against capitalism. Or whatever he's on about. I know he's really into branding so he can't be totally against capitalism. That's where branding really shines! Raptor also begins going on and on about their man-suits. He's totally lost me but I think it's just making me like him even more. He's become mysterious and unrelatable! Just the kind of person I love to fuck!

Raptor explains to Dick how he came down with leprosy and was driven out of the circus. But Dick's mom eventually came to him and offered compassion and thrills. Not those kinds of thrills! At least not yet. No, she and Raptor became the Robin Hoods of Paris, stealing from the rich and elite and giving back to the Romani and themselves.

I think Marie would just be glad that Dick was safe and well-protected and, eventually, happy.

It's easy to attack Bruce Wayne because he's rich and constantly gets richer. But what should he do? Give away all of his money so that he can't help in whatever ways he helps? I'm not sure what those ways are because it just seems like he's using his money to constantly make more money. But then "Bruce Wayne's Charitable Contributions to Gotham and Beyond" is kind of a boring title for a comic book.

After getting beat up and lectured, Nightwing smiles. That's the point Raptor loses because everybody knows Nightwing has it all figured out and when he smiles, he's about to explain it all as he kicks ass. This time, Dick is all, "You're just like Bruce, you idiot!" And Raptor is all, "What? NO! I'm melting!" But then he remembers his trap and he's all, "Bruce is dead!" And Dick is all, "Bruce has been free for like five minutes and now he's standing right behind you!" And then Bruce smiles which means bones will be breaking. Also, I'm not sure any of that happens after and including the "I'm melting!" part because I got ahead of myself as I was typing and haven't gone back to the comic book.

I like that Dick says this because I don't think it can be said enough. It's my favorite reason (and maybe the only one) that allows for Batman's use of young sidekicks. They've always existed to save Batman even if, as they're doing it, Bruce Wayne seems to be saving them as well.

Dick does some of that Batman justice Raptor hates which means he breaks the arm and leg of Raptor to incapacitate him. Then he goes up to save Bruce who has basically already saved himself but Bruce allows Nightwing his moment and pretends to almost fall to his death.

Later, Tiger arrives to take Raptor into Spyral custody. He makes sure to tell Bruce Wayne that he doesn't know he's Batman at all and will keep it that way.

See?! I never would have thought Bruce was the type of dad to lose games to his kids on purpose. Sucker!

The Ranking!
+1! I'm sad that Raptor didn't get to become a friend and mentor to Nightwing. I suppose Nightwing already has enough friends who are also kind of enemies. There's probably a word for that. Anyway, at least he'll be back. The main reason superheroes don't kill is because fans want to see the bad guys return over and over again. Who reads Batman for Batman? It's all about Joker and Catwoman, really! But not Penguin. Fuck Penguin.

Nightwing #7

I might not mind if this comic book just quietly changed its focus to Raptor.

• Is Nightwing more popular than Batman yet? It's bound to happen. How much more drama can be squeezed out of Batman's damaged psyche? He's a fucking mess! I'm a bit tired of Batman stories revolving around his obsession over his loss. You know what Batman story I do want to see? I want to see the one where Wonder Woman walks up to Alfred, punches him in the face, and says, "You failed this fucking man when he was a child, you enabling piece of shit!"

• But this, unlike apparently everything else that happens in Gotham, isn't about Batman. This is about Nightwing! Nightwing's got his own Bat-family now and they're much better than Batman's Bat-family which is just lousy with teenagers. Nightwing hangs out with real men and women! Like Tiger! And Helena! And Midnighter! And the other ones!

• Tiger and Nightwing are in Australia to mop up some more Owls. But Kobra manages to get there first, wiping them all out with one of their "genetically enhanced" snake-headed assassins. Hey, comic books? How about you stop trying to explain the ridiculous with science and just make everything about magic? My brain is exhausted by humans transforming into monsters whose skeletal structures (usually the skull but often the entire body, like in the Monster Men) aren't anything like the original human's. And all it takes is an injection to turn a human skull into a snake skull!

• All of you nerds desperate to say that Clarke quote to me right now can just fuck right off!

• You know what? I don't really care. Just keep being stupid, comic books. You broke and saddled me a long time ago. The first time I read a story with The Flash in it and I didn't throw the comic against the wall when The Flash could say five hundred words in the space of a nanosecond while everybody around him understood what he was saying, I was already yours. Now I accept human corpses turning into thirty story tall monsters, motorcycles driving up the sides of buildings, a universe where every teenager is smarter than Einstein, and outfits that should cause nip-slips 100% of the time stubbornly refusing to give way. What I'm trying to say is that comic books are perfect for my level of intelligence.

• Thanks to this breach in Spyral security, Tiger and Nightwing figure out that somebody has access to their findings in The Book of Wisdom. And obviously that someone is Raptor. Nobody else had access to it and also this issue is called Rise of the Raptor. I'm like a fucking detective!

• Nightwing has been obsessing over gravity since this issue began. It's part of this whole thematic metaphor thing that some writers like to do. I don't like it so I've just been replacing "gravity" with "gravy" and giggling like an idiot. I mean a genius! I giggle exactly like a genius!

• Nightwing goes to yell at Raptor for betraying him and finds Raptor singing his own theme song. How can Nightwing stay mad at him?! They're practically the same person!

Uh-oh! Somebody's coming down with a case of daddy's control issues!

• Nightwing decides to explain justice to Raptor while beating the shit out of him. I don't think Nightwing realizes the flaw in his argument but then, he learned the definition of justice from Batman.

I just said that! Stop plagiarizing me, Tim Seeley!

• Raptor points out that Batman's justice allows for rich people to go free because they can pay for expensive attorneys who somehow win every case (probably because the judge knows how expensive they are and that they must be good, so when the attorney says something in court, the judge looks impressed and glances at the jury and says, "Whatta lawyer, right?"). Batman's justice also kicks the shit out of mentally ill people who are then thrown in Arkham. I think that's generalizing quite a bit! Sometimes Batman kicks the crap out of rich mentally ill people who get thrown in Arkham! And he often beats the living shit out of henchmen and thugs and regular criminals who aren't mentally ill at all! Also also, Batman isn't going out on the streets and kicking the ass of depressed and bipolar and schizophrenic people who aren't murderers! He's kicking the ass of people who have murdered, no matter what their brain chemistry is! He's an equal opportunity jaw breaker!

• Raptor tells Nightwing what kind of justice Nightwing's mother would have wanted. I wonder what else Raptor knows Nightwing's mom would have wanted? Ass play?

• During the fight, Nightwing and Raptor tumble over Raptor's synthesizer and his notes for "Raptor's Theme". See? They're just alike! And maybe even more alike than that since Raptor hints that he actually does know how much ass play Nightwing's mother liked!

• Can you smell what's cooking for breakfast? Daddy issues!

• Raptor drugs Nightwing after Nightwing finds Raptor's Secret Nightwing Wank Cave. Not that Raptor actually jerks off to Nightwing! But he does have a suspiciously detailed shrine about Dick's entire life. And there are weird stains on the walls and floor.

• Before Nightwing passes out in a puddle of dried something, Raptor explains that Dick needs to experience some loss. Then he'll be a much better hero! More like Batman than ever before! No wait! Raptor doesn't want him more like Batman! Hmm, I'm confused about Raptor's plan now!

• Raptor decides to air his grievances with Bruce Wayne at a press meeting. Raptor seems most upset by the fact that Bruce Wayne took a circus gypsy child and turned him into a regular old boring white dude. Basically, Bruce gentrified Dick Grayson.

• Raptor kidnaps Bruce who doesn't put up a struggle because he doesn't want to expose that he can actually fight like Batman. Not in front of the press! They might have a 1% chance of figuring out his identity if he did that! So instead, he pretends he can't fight and then makes an off-color joke about how much pussy he had the night before and everybody thinks, "No way that guy is Batman!" Then Raptor flies off with Bruce Wayne tied up and everybody at the press conference yells, "What a scoop!"

• Damian gets pretty excited about this turn of events as well! Mission time with his big brother to prove to his dad that he's the best Robin ever?! If Damian were old enough to come, his underwear would be a mess right now!

Stupid artist. He could have easily put Batcow in the background of one of these panels. At least throw in Titus or Alfred Pennyworth the Cat!

• Nightwing tells Damian to stay in the cave because this doesn't have anything to do with him. This has to do with how many times Raptor put his unwrapped Ding-Dong inside Nightwing's mother's Ho-Ho how ever many years ago Dick is old.

It's also a little bit about how terrible Raptor's circus costume was. But at least he had a monkey! Unless that's a cat. Or an armadillo. Maybe a little person?

The Ranking!
+1! You might like Raptor but you're still not The #1 Raptor Fan of All Time because that would be me! Seriously, you do not like Raptor as much as I like Raptor. You're probably a young person so you can't like him as much as I like him because he's my age and not your age. Stop trying to steal all of my things, young people! You think the world is yours just because I'm on the way out and you're face first in the thick of life's pubic hair! But that's not because of anything you did! We all get our chance! Pretty soon, you'll be fretting over the number of calories in that second doughnut too! Enjoy your youth while it lasts, jerks! I would totally be excited about your loss of youth and how it'll eventually make you feel depressed except that will mean I'll be even older and closer to death, so stay young as long as you can, stupids! Stop driving me to my grave by getting older! Don't let the next generation of toddlers and nose-miners push us all inextricably toward our graves! You must stop them! STOP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

Nightwing #4

More mazes? Maybe Tim Seeley should just write Sudoku puzzles. If he did, I'd probably play them even though I think Sudoku is the biggest waste of time in the world! And I know wasting time!

The Facts!
• Last issue ended with Raptor, my new favorite character, introducing Nightwing, my old least favorite character, to Dr. Leviticus, my old new favorite character. Dr. Leviticus is the accountant for the Parliament of Owls. A creepy accountant into grave robbing and being awesome.

• Dr. Leviticus is the person who devised the method of resurrection used on the Talons. She also keeps rats in her purse and is still sexually active even though she's sort of dead. Undead? Whatever she is, she's really making a case for being even more of a favorite than Raptor.

• Tim Seeley should create more characters more often. Plus he should write existing characters more often. Is it possible for one writer to write all of the DC books?

• The Parliament of Owls have their own Bohemian Grove called the Parliament Grove. Hmm. That's kind of a problem. If you're trying to be a world class villainous organization with an eye on running the entire world, it might be a bit of a stain on your reputation if you steal the ideas of those villainous organizations who came before you and whom you're trying to oust.

• I wonder how many days per year Coast to Coast AM devote to whispering about goings on at the Bohemian Grove? Is it still even relevant? The whole thing feels like something that everybody just dismissed by the end of the 70s. Maybe Reagan ruined their fun by becoming president. They were all, "Fucking Reagan! He always took everything too seriously?! Didn't he realize this whole Bohemian Grove thing wasn't really about power? It was about a bunch of rich, powerful, influential men getting together to suck each other's dicks without fear of being photographed!"

• Not only have the Owls stolen the whole Bohemian Grove shtick, they've stolen Dr. Dedalus's whole labyrinth motif! These guys are just a bunch of unoriginal twats! Unless...unless it was their behind the scenes machinations that influenced the Bohemian Grove and Spyral!

• Once Dick sees that some kind of sacrifice of innocents is about to take place at Parliament Grove, he tells Raptor they need to bring the organization down immediately. Dick does realize this is only Issue #4, right? What will he do with the rest of the series if he defeats the Parliament of Owls so soon? I guess there is always loads of sex to be had.

• Dick is so good looking that I can't believe he doesn't have sex constantly with lots and lots of strangers. There must be a story there. I think DC needs to publish a four issue mini-series about Dick's sex life and how he came to the decision that fucking loads and loads of women was just too complicated. Maybe he simply became viscerally disgusted at the thought of sex because every time he slept with a woman, Alfred would greet her on the way out and already know her name because Bruce had already fucked her. Not that he'd care about the woman's sexual history but it would have to disturb a person quite a bit to find that your father has already fucked his way through most of Gotham's single women.

• Nightwing and Raptor move in to save all of the Owls' prisoners in a really clumsy way which gets them noticed. It's possible the plan was to get caught because remember how Dick is better than Batman and remember how Batman would never be caught if he didn't want to?

• Some nobody Owls report the problem to the Orator who flips the fuck so far out that...well...um...see for yourselves, I guess:

I would have liked the Parliament of Owls' god to look like a parrot. Simply because I'm stuck in believing there's an underlying cypher going on in this story. Raptor. Orator. Tarot. Parrot. It fits, right?!

• Raptor and Nightwing lead the prisoners through the Parliament of Owls' labyrinth. Really? That's the only way out? Through the confusing maze that almost definitely has a monster lurking in it? Talk about a metaphor for life!

• No, you don't have to really talk about a metaphor for life. Who are you suddenly talking to anyway? You're just reading this sitting alone and miserable! And I don't mean alone in the literal sense. You might be on your phone in a public space surrounded by people which just makes your intense feelings of solitude all the more worse. Maybe you should join a club or something? Then you can be alone and miserable with other people.

• I forgot Dick and Rappy have a map to the maze which they took from that Crazy Norwegian Map Guy. Dick gives it to one of the prisoners and deputizes him. His sidekick name is now Hummingbird. Hopefully Dick didn't just send them into the jaws of the monster. That would be a real black eye to his superheroing career.

• As the prisoners rush off, the Orator minotaurs his way out of a side passage and begins screeching on and on about how Dick screwed him over. Also he begins slicing Raptor open with his claws. Good thing Raptor has a hand that can heal anything.

• The Great Owl God Formerly Known As The Orator decides Plan A isn't that much different than Plan B. Plan A was to have Dick Grayson be a talon for the Parliament of Owls. Plan B is the same except Dick is dead in Plan B.

• But Raptor has a plan to save Nightwing!

Great! Now they're going to have to battle a giant half-owl, half-shark monster!

• "The Parliament of Owlsharks" has a nice ring to it!

• Raptor collapses as he and Dick reach the center of the labyrinth where the Book of Wisdom--which is actually a Box of Coins--is located. Luckily Raptor keeps some of his blood in Suyolak just for emergencies like this! He mentioned it in an earlier issue which meant it was going to be important later. That's how stories work! Authors don't have enough time to put everything that happens in a person's life into the story unless that piece of everything will matter later to the story. It's why people rarely go to the bathroom in fiction! Unless going to the bathroom is a pivotal metaphor about missing out on moments in life by not paying attention which will eventually lead to a person's death like in Pulp Fiction!

• As Dick tends to Raptor's wounds, he points out how he didn't have to ask Lord Google about Suyolak because he, of course, already knew the legend. Not because Dick is the greatest genius who ever lived and was forced to study everything in the world by his obsessive father but because Dick grew up in the circus and circus folk are often gypsy folk and Suyolak is a gypsy legend. I, of course, already knew all of this because I am friends with Lord Google and not ashamed of asking him things when I don't know them and then admitting to other people that I looked it up instead of pretending like I already knew it like most people do on the Internet.

• Raptor reveals that he was indeed in the circus. He was called Mr. Numb which explains why he carries supplies of his own blood around just in case he begins to bleed out from a wound he can't feel. It also explains why Dick couldn't beat him in a fist fight.

• Raptor and Nightwing bond over circus sights and smells. I hope that doesn't mean Raptor is about to sacrifice himself to save Dick. I hope it means Raptor and Dick are going to become friends and partners. I also sort of hope Raptor is gay and that he and Midnighter fall in love. Sorry, Apollo!

• The Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God finally catches its breath and catches up to Raptor and Nightwing. See? This is the part I'm worried about! Raptor had better not show that he's been an honorable person all along by throwing away his life to stop the Owl-Shark-Bull-Monster-God! I suspect that's a turn that is too expected for Tim Seeley. He's less about common plot elements and more about building characters. It's no fun to build a character just to kill them! Why would he create a great character like Raptor just to kill him off? That's what hack writers do to squeeze a little bit of emotion out of the reader.

• Raptor doesn't sacrifice himself when they come to the end of the labyrinth. But he does abandon Dick because Dick is leaving the shadows and re-entering the light. Luckily Raptor has a few things to say which will ensure that he'll be back.

Ooh! Raptor mentioned he was older than Dick when they both had different pop cultural comments about the labyrinth. I hope he's old enough to have fucked Nightwing's mom!

• Nightwing doesn't fall to his death because he's got another partner that I'm happy to see he's still working with: Tony the Tiger! Hooray for Dick's surrogate Bat-family! I hope someday Raptor can join it full time. And I hope Dr. Leviticus is going to become Dick's Alfred!

• After Dick spends enough time near the exit of the Labyrinth to be seen by the returned-to-his-former-state Orator so that the Orator can see that the Parliament of Owls is shit out of luck, he returns to Gotham for some cutesy moments with Damian and The Bat.

• Okay, maybe The Bat moments aren't that cutesy. But Dick always tries his best to make them so!

I don't know. Since Batman is constantly lying to his Bat-Family, I think I might have to believe Damian's version of events.

• Dr. Leviticus does not become Nightwing's new Alfred. But she may become some sort of the same something to Midnighter since she's now living in The God Garden with the Gardener. Perfect! That means Tim Seeley won't forget about her! I hope she gets her own mini-series! Four issues though! I'm sick of these overly long six issue mini-series! Stop letting business methods trump story! Four issues in a mini-series was always about right. I know comics now have less pages per issue but six issues is still usually just dragging the shit out for the sake of making a series the right size to be a trade paperback.

• Dick thanks Batman for being a micromanaging asshole so that Dick could learn not to be that. Then he walks out mumbling about how he's totes better than Batman.

• It turns out Raptor is working for Kobra which is probably super smart if I was into giving compliments. Because of Raptor's subterfuge, Kobra now has access to all of the information on the Parliament of Owls that law enforcement have. Which means Nightwing's trust of Raptor was misplaced and the Jeezly Crow Batman was right! Again! Maybe Dick should become a micromanaging asshole who doesn't trust anybody!

The Opinions!
If I start giving the Rebirth comic books ratings again, does somebody else want to keep track of the Rankings? Because I certainly don't. You know, just make a Tumblr page for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's ratings which I'll link to! You can probably put advertising on it and shit! Even if nobody does, maybe I'll still rate the comic books with plus and minus ratings and the ranking chart can be imaginary! With that said, this issue gets a +2 because Raptor and Dr. Leviticus are the best and Damian is adorable and Batman is a stodgy fuck who is always right no matter how much fans want the Bat-Kids to be right and not Batman. I guess everybody will just have to write more Fanfic which pretend Batman has some flaws!

Nightwing #3

I don't think this is how Dick usually squat-jumps.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the aftermath of a scene that causes Batgirl to rethink how horny she is for Nightwing. Mostly she's probably still up for doing it to him but she knows if he's no good, she now has a ready excuse for why she never wants to see him again after. Because apparently Raptor killed an innocent man and Nightwing just let him. It must be tough living the kind of life where everybody always depends on you never failing at your job so that, one day, when some villain actually gets away with killing somebody, everybody blames you. But Batgirl should know better! She was once accused of this same thing by a stupid cop who pulled her gun on Batgirl for not stopping the murder instead of the murderer who was standing right beside her! That was in The New 52 Batgirl #1 and it wasn't the comic book to be introduced to Gail Simone. What a terrible ending! I chalked it up to editorial interference. They probably demanded that the first issue end in a crazy cliffhanger. I bet Simone's first draft just ended with the bad guy throwing the person out of the window and everybody looking shocked. But editorial was all, "Not good enough! Make this policewoman make the worst decision she's ever made! It'll be brilliant!"

So the first page, as you may have guessed but really should have already read because these "reviews" are really just discussions to be shared with other people who have already read the comic book, has Raptor standing over a bleeding man with blood all over the hand he named something I can't remember--some gypsy person who can heal anything or something--while Batgirl looks on shocked--you can tell she's shocked because she has a gloved hand demurely covering her mouth--and Dick going, "No...Raptor...". Since Batgirl was last seen realizing she was going to have to masturbate because Dick wasn't going to show, I have to assume the story of how we got here will begin on the next page or two.

And, as comic books hardly ever fail in their standard method of operation, the next page begins previous to the dead person and Barbara's suddenly cracked and arid vagina.

So this guy is the Sarah Winchester of Norway?

I love reading a good conspiracy story or paranormal tale but there's one type that just bores the fuck out of me: numerology. So it's too bad that some guy named Dick Allan Wagner came up with an long explanation of the Winchester Mystery House using numerology as the basis for his interpretation of the architecture. Even if his argument was so spot on and compelling and based on having found a diary by Sarah Winchester that read, "I have built my house upon the basis of the Pythagorean cipher," I would ignore it and instead embrace the crazy theory that she was repelling the spirits killed by Winchester guns. Although according to the Pythagorean cipher used by Dick Wagner, my name adds up to 666 (which, ultimately, is reduced down to 9 but, as with any crazy person code, you can do a lot of shit with it before deciding on a final and ultimate number that means what you want it to fucking mean)! So that probably means something I want it to mean!

Batgirl crashes the Crazy Maze House party because she doesn't seem to know what being stood up means. It means the person didn't want to see you, Babs! Now you're just making things weird by hunting down Dick so you can find out why he didn't drop his entire life to run off to Tokyo for cucumber sandwiches, wine, and Bat-vagina.

Raptor introduces himself to Batgirl.

Is it weird that I'm a guy and I'm totally wet for Raptor?

Batgirl might finally be getting the hint that Rebirth Dick Grayson is more like Rebirth "I Love Dick" Gayson. She confronts Dick by pointing to her pussy and yelling, "You didn't want any of this so you could spend time with that!" When she says "that," she points at Raptor's cock, of course. Hee hee. Raptor's cock. This comic isn't based on numerology but ornithology! No wonder Batgirl's pussy is a huge threat to everything.

Batgirl is all, "You're going Batman on me with this Owls' thing, aren't you?! Well, I won't let you get so wrapped up in it that you decide the only person you deserve to fuck is a villain. I'm going to help you get your blueprints from this Crazy Maze Guy and then your face is going to meet my vagina. And since your mouth will be busy but you can't stop quipping during the action, you'll have to prerecord your sexy time one-liners."

The trio enter into Knute's Puzzle House and they instantly figure out the trick. Mostly because Babs almost dies. She's such a liability! But then that's what happens when you miss the mission briefing and believe you're simply walking into a wacky fun house to hang out with a guy you want to see naked.

The trick is that the traps are historical in nature. So they begin with pit traps like the ones used to catch dinosaurs and they'll probably end with those sticky mats to catch rats. Or maybe one of those traps where you wake up chained to a wall with a reverse bear trap on your face and told if you don't kill the toddler in the room with you, your head will explode. Of course the toddler has been told that he'll never get another snack as long as he lives if he doesn't push a button on the wall that sets off the trap on your head. I think that's the most modern trap ever created.

While the trio make their way through the house, Nightwing thinks about his "Robin Hood thing" Barbara mentioned earlier. One of his thoughts early on in his career was, "What if we didn't fight crime? What if we fought poverty?" Well done, Nightwing! You definitely are better than Batman with thoughts like that! Except his noble idea was shot dead by Batgirl, the police commissioner's daughter, who automatically assumed that he would fight poverty Robin Hood style by stealing from the rich and becoming a criminal. So instead of Nightwing saying, "That's not what I meant at all! Not at all!", he just gave up on the idea and decided to keep fighting criminals. To be fair, it's much easier fighting criminals than poverty. Poverty is a symptom of a fucked-up system and fighting to change the system is a Herculean task but change Herculean to some other hero that couldn't succeed at their tasks at all. Like, um, I guess Sisyphus? This is the part where an editor would tell me to go back and replace "Herculean" with "Sisyphean" if that was what I wanted to say in the first place. But maybe what I wanted to say was a little bit of both and to say it in a really awkward way? What about that, you stupid, imaginary editor?!

Batman sometimes seems to try to fight poverty but then he just gets called out for gentrifying neighborhoods. But what is he supposed to do when he makes a neighborhood safe? He can't just keep all the rent prices at "your house will most certainly get robbed and your yard used as a dumping ground for used needles" prices! And it's not his fault if the local corner store that's been there for fifty years with the proprietors who know the names of all of their neighbors and customers suddenly can't afford rent and get replaced by an ice cream shop with disgusting flavors like Caramel Shark Testicle and Pancreas Peanut Butter! That's why it's so hard to fight poverty! Because you have to do something about the economic system and that's like playing Jenga but starting the game with one block on each level making it impossible to not collapse the tower on the first move.

To be fair to Barbara, maybe Dick approached her with the idea by saying, "Let's borrow Bruce's debit card and help out all the local shelters!"

The final puzzle is figuring out the tarot reading that sent Crazy Maze Knute into building his Puzzle House. Madame Xanadu would finally be useful for once in her life but she's not guest starring in this comic book because it would make it less interesting and cause it to lose money. But luckily Dick Grayson knows how to read tarot from his days in Haly's Circus! It's too bad Babs didn't once look at an image on a conspiracy website showing Knute's tarot reading! That would have made this moment much easier and I wouldn't have to hear Dick's explanation of what all of the cards mean. Although my main man Raptor figures out the puzzle just before they're all crushed by the lowering ceiling. He's so much better than Nightwing who is better than Batman. Therefore, some property or something or math whatever.

After the tarot puzzle is solved, Raptor takes off to find and kill Knute. And that's when the narrative catches up to the first page where fucking Nightwing fucked up and killed that innocent guy! I mean, he didn't kill him but he may as well have because he was working with the guy who killed the guy. And Batgirl doesn't care what Raptor does so of course she's angry at Dick for allowing this to happen. Maybe if he had known his tarot better, Raptor wouldn't have gotten the jump on him!

Raptor. Tarot. Orator. It's like there's a code there somewhere!

Too bad the Parliament of Owls aren't stupid pushovers like Black Mask. Dick could have just told them he doesn't kill and they would have been all, "Oh ho ho! How succulent! A moral assassin! Exactly what we need!"

Knute isn't actually dead because Raptor is exactly the guy he told Dick he was. He's got his own agenda and doing all of the Parliament of Owls' work isn't part of that agenda. Taking their money, on the other Suyolak, is totally part of the agenda. So Raptor's paid handsomely for killing Knute and the Parliament thinks Nightwing's reputation is ruined (although to keep up that ruse, he's going to have to stay away from Batgirl for the rest of the mission because she's supposed to be mad at him). Raptor has advanced both his and Nightwing's undercover plans and the Parliament still trusts them both. Wow. So much better than Batman!

And actually, Nightwing doesn't have to pretend Batgirl is angry with him because she is. I think her vagina is just a sore loser because he's choosing his bro, Raptor.

Batgirl storms back to Japan while Nightwing begins getting Bat-Stars in his eyes for Raptor. And even though I keep saying Raptor has become my new favorite character (did I say that yet this commentary? I should have said that this commentary. This is me saying that), he's got competition because apparently he didn't actually kill my previous new favorite character!

Dr. Leviticus!

The Review!
Nightwing is beginning to form his own Bat-family with Raptor and Dr. Leviticus. I suppose he can also include Helena Bertinelli and the girls of Hadrian's who want to have their first heterosexual experience with him. This new family is way better than the Bat-family and even more way better than his Teen Titans family (who were just consistently awful!). Hopefully the Parliament of Owls will live up to being super villains instead of just standing around ordering Nightwing and Raptor to do things they aren't actually doing. And then the Parliament just sits back content that nothing they want done is actually getting done. They're a super secret villainous organization that practically controls the world! They need to get really scary, really quickly! They need to be as scary as they were last issue when that person climbed out of that fatter person to attack Dick! That was terrifying and disgusting!

Nightwing #2

These Owls forgot that the style this year is black masks.

The Commentary!
According to the cover, it's just the second issue of Nightwing pretending to work for the Parliament of Owls and he's fudged up and started to just beat the crap out of them! Maybe this comic book should just be called Talon?

Raptor punched Dick so hard last issue that Dick decided to have a memory about the past. I was once hit in the face that hard but instead of having a memory, I simply thought, "That asshole punched me in the face!" So apparently I shouldn't be angry at comic books in the way they use Narration Boxes because I do the same thing in real life. It was obvious to everybody that I had been punched in the face: the 7-Eleven clerk, the guy who punched me, my friend Paul backing away and cowering in the candy aisle. It was especially evident to me. So why did I think, "That asshole just punched me in the face!"? I hope that isn't a pattern in my life because I don't want my last thoughts to be, "That shark is devouring my lower torso!" How boring! I hope if that ever happens to me, I'll instead think, "That shark is eating my dick! Gay!"

Robin's memory is about this one time (out of like a million times) that Batman pretended he was going to kill a criminal so that the criminal would tell Batman the truth. Isn't Batman smarter than that? People don't tell the truth when they're frightened or in pain or staring into the face of a grown man in a Halloween costume. That's the time you lie your ass off so that the person doing those things to you will stop it already! No wonder this story is called "Better Than Batman." Batman is a dumb jerk.

Raptor is reminding Dick that Dick is his new partner when Dick decides to think some more stuff to himself in a way that I believe is totally now natural now that I remembered that time I was punched in the face by Jimmy Arthur.

Come on, Seeley! We know the title actually refers to Dick Grayson!

Oh! I forgot that I was going to mention an article that Facebook thought I might enjoy! Facebook almost never suggests articles I might enjoy so it seemed really weird that it would suggest I might like the following article:

Does Facebook think I had sex with my cousin?! Hell, does Facebook think I've had sex!? It's algorithms noticed I only talk about comic books right? Oh! Maybe that's why it thinks I fucked my cousin!

Why would the Omaha Weird Harold use that lady's picture for this article? I imagine she's the columnist who answers perverts' letters. But can't some editor realize that this picture of her just makes it seem like she's mocking the person who can't get over totally having sex?! When I have sex, I'm going to write to all the local papers too!

Dick is ready to ditch Raptor when Raptor is all, "Dudebro! I thought we were doing some superhero bonding!" And Dick is all, "Fucking hell. Of course he did! My mentors really set a horrible example, didn't they?"

Dick decides there could be worse things than partnering with Raptor like that one hilariously imaginative thing I might come up with later and replace these words with. He and Raptor hop on the Raptorcopter (I don't know if that's what he calls it but that's probably what he calls it) and they head off to complete their first mission for the Parliament of Owls. Dick had better kill someone on this mission or he's going to blow his cover.

Meanwhile, Babs phones Dick from Tokyo to arrange a booty call. Dick is all, "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Babs. I think I have to wash the semen out of my hair that night." But Babs convinces him that to come because she seriously needs to. But first Dick has to finish his mission with Raptor. Why is Babs interrupting the story?! Doesn't she know Dick's gay yet? She must have some Bat-gaydar in her utility belt.

Oh. Buteo was the name of the Raptorcopter. That's terrible branding! Only bird nerds and internet know-it-alls who looked it up quickly and then pretended they always knew the word would know what a Buteo is!

Raptor decides to give Nightwing a lesson on branding as if Nightwing didn't already get the best branding lesson in the world from Batman. That Bat-guy couldn't Bat-build a single Bat-thing without Bat-prepending Bat to it!

I should learn about branding and marketing and the other thing from Raptor! How do I make my blog more popular? I bet the best way to do it would be to start reading Marvel Comics instead of DC Comics! All of the Fake Geek Geeks love Marvel because they get all of their information from their peers on the Internet who get all of their information from the people getting their information from them! And they all say Marvel rules, DC drools and has a terrible time with sexual harassment in the workplace and think Wonder Woman's origin is too complicated and cancelled their cartoons because too many girls liked them and a whole bunch of other things that aren't true but have been said so many times that they may as well be.

Nightwing reveals that he's been working on a theme song. I hope when he finishes it, it's released as a floppy 45 in a future issue!

Nightwing and Raptor board a ship being taken over by Kobra. Apparently it's a Parliament of Owls ship and they need to...ARGH!

I'll never get near another overweight person as long as I live! This is how imagine Chili's on a Friday night.

The boat is full of refugees who will be doing all of the labor in the Parliament of Owls' new country, New Greece. Nightwing is shocked! I don't think he knows that people actually do jobs they don't particularly like sometimes. I mean, most of them aren't forced into those jobs. Although I still want to say that fleeing your war-ravaged country and winding up in slave labor camps is probably better than having to clean the toilets at McDonalds. I won't say that because it's insensitive to a number of different people. But I'm probably thinking it anyway.

Dick doesn't do anything to stop the shipment of laborers to the Parliament of Owls because he's trying to keep his cover. He can't bring the whole Parliament down if he trades his cover in for one ship of refugees. Luckily for Nightwing, Raptor wants to help Nightwing bring down the Parliament of Owls. He won't say why but it probably has to do with money and his father. His father is probably the Orator and he's a big jerk who never let Raptor put posters on his walls.

Meanwhile, Babs is sitting in a sexy puddle of her body's own making waiting for Dick to arrive to her Tokyo picnic. But he totally stands her up because he doesn't like the junk she has to work with. He likes junk like his junk! Like Raptor's junk! Poor Babs! She's never going to get any!

The Review
Nightwing is cute and funny and charming. I don't mean "cute" in the looks department. I wouldn't know if he was cute because he's a guy and I don't swing on guys. I meant he's cute like a six year old saying cute things and being adorable. No wait! Six year olds aren't cute. I think maybe I meant a three year old? But he's no longer the best part of this comic book. Raptor is way more interesting because he's like a real man being manly and concerned with business. Dick is playing games but Raptor is playing for keeps. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by a rich guy who lets you swing around the city all night in your pajamas. You never really grow up. But Raptor had to grow up fast because his father, the Orator, was all, "You don't play that music so loud! Don't you put any staples in my walls! Take showers! Sleep reasonable hours! Eat healthy!" And Raptor was all, "But I don't want to! You're the worst!" Then he fled, put on a mask, and came back to get even with his dad. I bet he puts up tons of posters in his new apartment.

Nightwing #1

"Nightwing" is a palindrome for people with a serious speech impediment.

The Commentary!
"Nightwing is a palindrome" isn't as sexy as it sounds if it sounded to you like "Nightwing is a pal in Rome." That's probably a euphemism like "from the other side of the shore" or "whitewashing the kidneys." This beginning isn't as off-topic as you're probably thinking it is because, as we saw in Nightwing Rebirth #1, DC Comics has finally decided to let Dick Grayson out of the closet! He is now as gay as every fanfiction writer has been portraying him! Okay, maybe not that gay yet. I mean, he hasn't tasted every dick and male asshole in the DC Universe just yet! Give him some time! Rebirth just began last month!

I know I always say "I know what you're thinking" (even though I rarely actually know (unless what you're thinking is, "Gee, Tess, you're kind of an asshole!")) but this time I think I really do know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "I would say Nightwing is bisexual and not actually gay because remember Starfire and Batgirl and Raya and Helena?" Wow, now that I list all the women he's been with, I'm impressed! Four women! Of course, he only did mutual masturbation with Batgirl, so I'm not sure that counts. Um, anyway, getting back to Dick and his penchant for it, I'm fairly certain Nightwing Rebirth #1 was all about him coming out of the closet and, in so doing, revealed that the women had all been trendy facial hair. Although he's probably going to do it to a lot of ladies in this comic book, so I should just go with the bisexual angle. It's going to be hard to keep defending the Nightwing is gay claim if he just bangs woman after woman and we never even see him kiss a guy. Which we won't because DC Comics likes claiming characters are gay but rarely let's them do anything about it¹.

This must be the new out-of-the-closet Dick Grayson speaking!

The person speaking is actually a woman named Doctor Leviticus. Unless it's a man because what woman could be a doctor? I mean what woman would want to be associated with Leviticus! That's what I meant! Pretend you didn't read the doctor comment or realize I was sexist when you read it! Dr. Levi (as she's known to all the cool kids like me and...well, probably only me. If there were other cool kids, I'd have some friends, wouldn't I?) is hanging out with her pet corpse and digging up treasure in a graveyard. She finds a small chest full of Charon's coins from the dead which she plans on selling to the Parliament of Owls. Not the Court of Owls, of course! Because even though the Court of Owls were just urban legends that nobody believed existed until a few years ago, everybody in Europe knows about the Parliament of Owls! Although if I were Dr. Levi, I wouldn't be so sure the Parliament of Owls doesn't already own the treasure she's going to try to sell them because the box is covered in carved owl images.

It's page one and Dr. Levi is already my new favorite character! I hope her gimmick is that she adheres absolutely to every law in Leviticus! Although there must be at least one law against graverobbing and palling around with the walking undead, right?

It's page two and Dr. Levi is about to be buried alive by a mystery person with a wrist gadget he calls Suyolak! It can cure whatever is ailing you! Although I think it's main cure is death because it's all, "Dude! Life is what's ailing you! It's so hard! Just slip into the quiet of the grave and all your troubles will be gone!" It's got a pretty convincing argument, really. Although I don't like that this Suyolak and the man it's attached to are already trying to rid my life of Dr. Levi. Jerks.

I had never heard of Suyolak so I had to ask Lord Google.

Tess: "Lord Google, Master of All Knowledge, Arcane Wizard of Enlightenment, please grant me with the answers I seek regarding Suyolak!"
Lord Google: "Seriously? You've never heard of Suyolak? *snort* I can't believe you've never heard of Suyolak!"
Tess: "Can you not judge me this time, Lord Google? I understand why you mocked me when I asked about the clitoris. But why should I have ever heard of Suyolak?!"
Lord Google: "Suyolak is a wizard in Romani myth who could find a cure for anything."
Tess: "Oh. That makes sense! It's just like the comic book! I wonder if it's a coincidence that Tim Seeley chose that name?"
Lord Google: "You're a fucking idiot."

I don't like to check Google more often than I have to. I'd rather remain ignorant than feel like shit.

Nightwing is currently in Turin, Italy, fighting crime at a circus opera that has been attacked by Kobra agents. Unless he just got a job with the scariest Cirque du Soleil ever. Although I doubt Italy has anything as gauche as Cirque du Soleil! They're all so refined in Italy, sitting on marble steps smoking cigarettes and drinking tiny coffees and weird, pastel ice creams!

This issue is called "Better Than Batman" because duh! What a claim, though, right? What a way to start a series! Just come right out and say what everybody has been saying for like ten years now! Some people may have been saying it earlier than that but I said "everybody" in the ten year range! So if you're one of those who was thinking it before everybody else was, la dee fucking dah! I guess you were just a huge genius, weren't you?! Or maybe you just had such a huge crush on Nightwing that it clouded your vision and made you think Nightwing was better than Batman long before he actually was. Because if you thought Nightwing was better than Batman during Marv Wolfman's Titans years, you were high on whatever drug was popular in the late eighties and early nineties. I think it was Skiplets.

Dick saves some lady named Manfredi while offering more proof of how gay he's become. Or always was but finally decided to reveal to the world! I don't want people misunderstanding me and thinking I think it's a choice to be gay or not! Because if it was a choice, what am I doing trying to have sex with women?! They're always all, "Ew! I have standards!" While guys are like, "Did you just make eye contact with me here in the park? Are we jerking each other off behind a bush now?"

See? He's putting on a show by thinking a woman looks lovely! So gay!

Nightwing tells Manfredi that the Parliament of Owls sends its regards because he's currently working for them. I mean he's working as a double agent for them since he's working as a regular agent for Batman. Unless it's the other way around and he's the double agent for Batman and the regular agent for the Parliament of Owls! The Parliament of Owls think they have control over Dick because they still think their bomb is up Damian's nose. But it isn't because Midnighter, an expert at getting big things in and out of tiny orifices, helped Dick remove it.

Nightwing has to explain to all the chowderheads who don't know anything and also don't have access to that asshole Lord Google that a gathering of owls is called a "Parliament." I covered that for the readers last week, Dick! Not that they didn't already know that because my readership is way smarter than me anyway! At least most of them are! Five out of the six, anyway²! Dick also points out that a group of crows is a murder, a group of mallards is a flush, and a group of geese is a gaggle. Why doesn't he say what a group of Robins are? Is it a Wet Dream of Robins?

Yeesh. It just looks like they're all in blackface now.

The Parliament of Owls have called Dick in to chastise him for being too heroic. They want him on the team because he's "the Gray Son of Gotham" who's supposed to fulfill the prophecy and bring blandness and neutrality to the entire world. But he just won't kill as many people as he saves. And how are you supposed to maintain balance when all you do is good? Get with the program, Dick!

Nightwing's plan to infiltrate the Owls might have a few hurdles to get over if he's not willing to kill anybody. Eventually they're going to realize that Dick must not give a shit if they kill Damian, so they're going to have to stick a bomb in somebody else close to Dick. Until then, The Parliament of Owls have hired a more ruthless agent named Raptor to be Nightwing's sidekick. Get it? His name is Raptor! He totally fits in because a raptor has to do with birds or something. Dick has some time to kill before he has to start hanging out with Raptor, so he heads back to Gotham for a bit.

This is what happens when you have too many kids!

Damian gleefully punches his father in the face and everybody cheers. At least everybody currently in the same room with me. Damian may be gleeful now but he's probably going to pay for that left hook. Did I sound like an actual man by recognizing a punch? Are there even any other punches besides left hook, right jab, and uppercut? You might be able to tell that I learned all of my boxing terms from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

Dick has decided to come to Batman for advice over the Raptor situation.

Dick: "They want to make me work with a sidekick!"
Bruce: "That sounds awful. Sidekicks are the worst."
Dick: "I know! I'm still not over working with Damian and...hey!"
Bruce: "Why are you even asking me for advice? You're the one who left me!"
Dick: "That was years ago, Bruce! How can you still be dealing with me leaving the nest? Er, cave! I'm totally stuck on bird imagery now!"
Bruce: "I'm still dealing with that collar you chose for your first Nightwing costume!"
Dick: "It was an homage to my parents!"
Bruce: "You should have been homaging me! I'm your parent!"
Dick: "Seriously? If I based my costume on the parent that took care of me after my real parents died, I would have been dressed like a butler!"
Bruce: "You take that back!"
Dick: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Bruce: "--tt--"
Dick: "Um, before I go...?"
Bruce: "How much do you need?"

After the father-son talk, Dick heads out to finger bang Babs for old times sake.

Sounds like a fun night at the gay bar.

Dick and Babs decide to battle Spinebender again unless that's also a euphemism. I can't know for sure because the scene ends with Nightwing casually falling backwards off of a bridge after which I assume he dies. Batgirl apparently always answered "Yes!" when her dad asked "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" because she dives after Nightwing. And, I assume, also dies.

Throughout this issue, Nightwing has resorted to Narration Boxing as if he's doing a commentary track on a DVD. But you know what? It doesn't bother me. I suppose I don't hate them that much when they're written by a good writer whose actually saying something thematic throughout the story inside the Narration Boxing. I guess my positive bias toward Tim Seeley's writing gives him some leeway to engage in aspects of comic book writing that I usually can't stand. What I'm trying to say is I'll suck his dick if I meet him at a convention. Just out of appreciation for his skills! I'm not gay like Nightwing!

Nightwing heads out to his Moscow mission and the meeting with Raptor afterward. It turns out Raptor is the guy with Suyolak. It also turns out he's not as fun as Tiger was. And Tiger was a huge jerk, so you get what I'm saying, right? Nightwing's reaction to meeting me made me laugh out loud. Raptor is all, "You suck at stuff. The worst. So bad at it. Amateur. Gay, even, if you can pardon my insensitive use of the term because I find lame, the oft suggested substitute, ableist." And Dick is just, "Oh. You." Classic understated Dick!

Dick also makes a proctology joke which is pretty good too. Especially since Suyolak could probably remove whatever is stuck in somebody's ass. Also whatever else proctologists take care of the other 5% of visits.

At first I was like, "This Raptor guy is a jerk. He killed my new fave, Dr. Levi, and now he's being a dick to Dick." But then I was all, "This guy is totally my new fave!"

Raptor doesn't know what he's talking about! Dick and Babs have totally mutually masturbated multiple times to The Cure's "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me"!

Raptor ends his lesson with Suyolak prescribing a dose of sitting down, shutting up, and forgetting everything Batman ever taught Nightwing. Mostly the part about not killing people, probably. Because remember the best cure for a malady is death! Solves it every time!

The Review!
So far in Rebirth, if I could only afford to read on DC Comics title, it would be Nightwing. I know that's a tough choice and all with Tom King writing Batman but holy jizz up my nose, Tim Seeley rocks the cock off of Nightwing! This book is better than The Bible! That statement was made purely due to my excitement and was probably a bit hyperbolic and over the top. It's not like anybody needs to understand Nightwing to understand 99% of all Western Literature. So I'd probably have to go with The Bible being the better book, if I were forced to make that decision and gunpoint and I would be killed if I didn't answer "The Bible." This is the kind of comic book Cullen Bunn reads and thinks, "Why do I even exist?" That statement was made purely due to Cullen Bunn having actually responded in annoyance at my reviews of him. Ha ha! He should have just not said anything because I would gladly have forgotten him since he was nowhere as bad at punctuation as Howard Mackie, or as bad at dialogue as Ann Nocenti, or as bad at art as Brett Booth, or as bad at general writing as Scott Lobdell. But he posted a picture on the internet of a person flipping the bird and directed it at me! So fuck you, Cullen Bunn! You're my go-to bitch³ now!

Speaking of Rebirths, I think this Review might be the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Rebirth. I haven't been giving the same amount of time and care to these things as I was giving a year or so ago (maybe since October 25th, 2014). But I want to get back to doing reviews like this one. This gave me a lot of joy even if it took twice as long as usual or more. This is the kind of review that I think my patrons on Patreon deserve and are supporting me for. I just want to thank them all once more because they're supporting me for something that is mostly free (I still occasionally do a handful of Patreon-only reviews). And I'd like to point out that along with the reviews, I'm planning on creating some alternate writing projects that will only be available in actual, real, hard copies. Check the Patreon for details. There isn't much now because I'm not sure what'll be first, but it'll probably be a book of poetry by a fictional ruler of a fictional country from an RPG that doesn't yet exist called "The Chicken by the Gate". Um, anyway, thanks for reading! Here's to hoping I can find the time to do more reviews like this one. ________________________________________________
¹Midnighter was a grand exception! DC Comics really should make more comics about gay heroes and heroines like Midnighter! Not that I enjoy seeing two men kiss! Ew! I'm so heterosexual I don't even like eating corndogs!
²I have many, many, MANY Tumblr readers. But only six Patreon readers. They're the only ones that count. And just so five of them don't feel like I'm calling them dumber than me, the one that is dumber than me is Doom Bunny!
³I meant that in the least sexist way possible, even though that's still pretty sexist!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9

It's kind of unbelievable that this is an Ed Benes cover because The Joker's Daughter hardly has any boobs hanging out everywhere.

The first thing I thought of when I saw this cover was that it's a good thing Jay and Roy are fighting zombies because they're allowed to kill them without everybody getting all sourpuss faced at them. But then I realized something else: way too many stories these days deal with why the main character kills or doesn't kill (usually doesn't!). Can we all just accept that Batman isn't going to fucking kill anybody and stop having stories where he has to explain why he doesn't? Or he has to prove to a bad guy who thinks not killing is a weakness that the bad guy is wrong? The same goes for Superman! How often does a bad guy pipe up with some shit like "I've got the upper hand because I will actually kill and you are a right puss from Pusspuss, British Columbia!" You can tell my imaginary bad guy is stupid because he thinks Superman is Canadian!

Can DC just put up a poster in their offices with a list of things that we can all just take for granted? Let me start the list! Everybody else can add their own!

Things To Be Taken For Granted In Every Iteration of the DC Universe!
1. When the Metal Men are not in operation, Doc Magnus likes to stuff the Responsemeters up his rectum.

Let's build on this list, DC Fans! Not Marvel Fans allowed! You'll just make a mockery of it!

Currently in Red Hood Loves Arsenal's Junk, the Roy and The Joker's Daughter were kidnapped into Ann Nocenti's Nethers! Jason Todd has followed in the hopes of rescuing them (or at least The Joker's Daughter. Fuck Roy!). Things are going to really get crazy and interesting because the best writer at DC Comics is on the job: Scott Lobdell!

I wonder how much money Scott Lobdell is making off of the Age of Apocalypse X-men movie. He must get some kind of royalty, right? Wasn't he a big part of that garbage which is basically just more of the same from the X-men? Humans versus Mutants with a little Mutants versus Mutants because only good Mutants can stop the Bad Mutants from proving the fears of the Humans true! The Humans are just cowering, lower evolved garbagesicles.

I know! Because Scott Lobdell likes to play his scripts by ear so he changes the plot every month when he gets a new idea! Not that he had an old idea on where his old story was going. That's for pretentious writers who like to have themes and points to their stories! This is just a fun rollicking roller coaster ride of Roy Harper's Narration Joking and Jason Todd's constant whining about how dumb his partner is (while also acknowledging his big heart!).

This story is called "Harmed and Dangerous" because ha ha ha I can't breathe so funny.

Jason Todd is currently putting bullets in a new gang of bad guys who had a really witty name that I can't remember now. Hopefully Lobdell will reintroduce everybody during the first five pages that he always saves for recaps via the main character's super snarky and hilarious narration!

Oh yeah! They were the Iron Rule which isn't as witty as I remember it being. Maybe I'm just not getting the pun! Is it like the Golden Rule but harder?

As you can see, much like the Teen Titans, the Iron Rule takes care of its own. That's the most important thing to both groups! No wonder the Teen Titans seem like bad guys now. They really should start making helping people their first priority or at least move from a Superhero Comic Book to some kind of existentialist Indie rag about how hard it is to be a teenager.

Jason Todd makes sure to think about how he's going to defeat the Iron Rule by treating them as a single organism (something Ducra taught him!) so that when he defeats them the same old way (by punches and bullets and probably some kicks), it'll seem like it was a well-written answer to how he overcame this new problem.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper needs to get some Narration Joking in so it's his turn for a few pages. I forget what he was up to because I probably hated it. He's discovering an old stadium which is now underground because this area was flooded a hundred years ago and you know how when building are flooded they soon sink under the ground and into caverns so that they're not flooded anymore and the water stays above them and it's all very heady geology that's tough for a lot of people to understand so I'll stop explaining it.

No! Don't do it! It's not worth your sanity!

Roy stumbles upon Joker's Daughter being held captive by some asshole whose face she burned a grin on way back in that Catwoman series previously mentioned. That asshole's plan is to knock down a few pillars and cause Gotham to collapse into the Nethers. Which totally doesn't make any sense because the space is so huge that Gotham should have simply collapsed into it a long time ago. I hate the Gotham Underground. I like my comic books to be unbelievable but there's a line! And that line is almost always crossed by Ann Nocenti!

The Iron Rule were paid by Charon to kill everybody in the Nethers which makes less sense than anything else since Charon is going to bring Gotham down on their heads anyway. Speaking of which, he's going to bring it all down on his own head as well. I don't think he's thought his plan through very well. I also still don't know why he needs The Joker's Daughter. It's possible he mentioned it previously but why would I waste any brain matter remembering shit Lobdell wrote?

Jason Todd's battle with Iron Rule isn't any sort of epic. They get the upper hand. Then Jason Todd gets the upper hand by pointing out that he's following the training of Ducra and letting his body be the weapon. But then that totally fails even though it's not supposed to and he's caught by the Iron Rule. But then he somehow winds up on a ledge above them while one of the Iron Rule says, "That was some toss." I don't know who tossed him. I don't know what happened. But I do know that Jason Todd didn't survive this battle by his own skill. He might as well be dead because he's terrible at superheroing.

The Joker's Daughter tries to kill herself when she kills Charon by throwing him into the lava. But Roy saves her with a Save Somebody's Life Arrow and then it's time for the feelings even though this comic book gives me no reason to feel anything for any of these characters except irritation and annoyance.

Oh! Oh! I'm a stupid fucking fan who feels every feeling for Jason Todd because he's such a precious baby fluff and I can't tell when he's being written horribly because I've projected every one of my own issues onto him and he must be kept safe in the way that I like to believe I wasn't (even though I totally was and am really just blowing life with my parents way out of proportion)! Boo hoo! Heroics!

The story ends with Joker's Daughter leaving the rotting Joker face with the lava people and Roy thinking about his last mercenary group he ran until they went rogue: The Iron Rule! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9 Rating: No change. Here's how a Scott Lobdell book about youths goes: Lobdelled first page, title that's a bad pun and/or song title, snark, snark, snark, terrible jokes, terrible jokes, more irritating snark, bad joke, bad joke, snark, snark, killing that winds up not being killing because the Boys have changed their ways, bad snarky joke which irritates, moment where Jason Todd sees something in somebody else and wants to save them, moment where Roy Harper uses his experience as an alcoholic to help out, feeling of guilt and shame. Oh wait. That feeling of guilt and shame is just me after I'm done reading the comic book.

Don't forget to add stuff to the list of shit that should be taken for granted in the DC Universe, okay?