Bizarro #6

This is how Americans think of Canada.

I'd say that this cover was insulting to Canadians but if I were a Canadian, I'd probably just say, "Yoo left oot the beer, eh?" It must be nice living in a country where the only thing people picture when they hear your country's name is snow, hockey, moose, beer, and cops who ride horses. Much better than picturing corpses riddled with bullets, bankers doing coke off the detached bathroom mirror of a house they just repossessed, and a populace too stupid to believe in science because Jesus is their best friend. I wish somebody could make a cute depiction of a typically American scene! I wonder what kinds of images Norman Rockwell would paint for magazine covers today? Phelpsian assholes picketing children's funerals? Bitter, angry pricks hassling women as they enter Planned Parenthood? Motherfucking gun enthusiast horse rapists who think they're bad-ass heroes terrorizing people in the street while calling it an open carry protest? Police ramming a broom up the backside of an African American in their custody? There's just so many images to choose from that simply scream "AMERICA!"

Fun Tess Memory Fact! Remember how I'm constantly pointing out that my brain has a problem with labeling things which means that I almost certainly cannot remember any names at the exact moment I need them? It's the kind of thing that would make me the worst Jeopardy player in the world (although occasionally my brain works fine and I'm amazed that it can remember any name at all). It's one of the reasons I'm constantly making up nicknames for comic book characters because I can't remember a character but don't want to ruin the flow of my thought so I just stick in a descriptive title. Then when I reread my commentary from the previous month just before reading the new month's book, I am reminded of the nickname but not the real name and so the nickname sticks! Anyway, I couldn't quite pull out "Norman Rockwell" from the vault so I had to ask Lord Google about "guy who painted covers for Life". I realize he wasn't most famous for Life covers but Lord Google knew what I was getting at. If I couldn't remember Norman Rockwell, there wasn't any way I was going to then come up with "Saturday Evening Post." No wait. That's not true. Often I come up with people's names exactly by working through the names of other things and approaching the name I want from behind via a twisty and circuitous route.

Bizarro has left Jimmy Olsen to die in the desert because Jimmy hurt his feelings. Judging by the attitudes of most people in America today, I guess that's equitable? Somebody hurts your feelings; you destroy their life completely. But Jimmy is rescued by the bad guy that I had forgotten all about: King Tut's Daughter, Queen Tut! Wait. That can't be right.

I would have been okay with Jimmy dying.

Bizarro has headed back to Metropolis where he finally gets to meet Superman. Maybe Superman will tell Bizarro how he judged him from afar and asked his pal Jimmy Olsen to secretly kill Bizarro and dump him in a Canadian ice pond. You would expect Superman to have begun the story having a heartfelt chat with Bizarro rather than pissing all over him behind his back. But then, this is a Bizarro comic book and this is Part One of the story, so maybe Superman is having the talk with Bizarro at exactly the right point in Bizarro's fucked up and confusing way of viewing life.

"That's a great question" is not an answer. When somebody says "That's a great question," what they really mean is "Motherfucker! I'm not prepared to answer that question and now you expect me to think something up on the spot?!"

Answering "That's a great question" to any question can actually mean a lot of things. I simply know I hate when people fucking say it. When somebody responds that way, I immediately believe they are an asshole and a moron, even if I really like them for whatever the reason they're being interviewed for! Another phrase I wish people would stop using because it makes them sound like pricks is "To be honest." Well, yes, that was my presupposition going into the conversation. That we were going to be fucking honest with each other. Otherwise I would stop talking to you. Here's one way to get me to end a conversation immediately as if we were on the phone and I just hung up but awkwardly because I'm standing right in front of you and now have gone completely silent and have begun pretending you don't exist: accuse me of lying about anything I've just said. Okay, if we're joking around about shit, I won't mind you calling me an arsed-faced liar. But if we're having a discussion which maybe is getting not quite heated but maybe a little cozy and you flat out accuse me of lying to your face, I'll end the conversation. Because obviously you've stopped giving a shit about anything that might destroy the illusion of a world where you know everything. And why is it my job to convince you--somehow!--that I'm not lying? At that point, you can just go fuck yourself.

Superman teaches Bizarro the meaning of friendship so Bizarro decides to go find Jimmy. But he has no idea where he might be?! Hopefully there's an improbably television set playing nearby, preferably a gigantic screen hanging off of a building blaring the fucking volume for some stupid reason.

Whew! Bizarro is lucky comic book writers believe that huge televisions blare the volume out into the city disrupting everybody's life in the apartments nearby.

I've never actually been to New York so if the big screens in Times Square actually do have volume, I apologize to writers, artists, and letterers of comic books everywhere. I also apologize to everybody renting anywhere near those things because that would be a fucking nightmare. The light is bad enough but the noise pollution would drive me crazy. I can't even stand my neighbor's wind chimes! Which I don't have to stand anymore because I took care of them. Shh, wind chimes. Shh. Just let go. It'll all be over soon.

Luckily for fans of Bizarro's penis, Queen Tut's broadcast instantly reaches Bizarro's penis's space ship half a light year away. He forces the grays piloting the ship to turn back to Earth and that's when it is revealed that Bizarro's Penis was once a Green Lantern. Why isn't that a comic book? "Me am wearing green cock ring! Me penis am not Green Lantern of Sector 9600!"

Queen Tut tries to stop Bizarro by freezing his crotch. Little does she know, his penis is half a light year away.

Not only Colin heard Queen Tut's totally scientifically accurate broadcast. All of the other friends Bizarro made along his journey have heard too! And they've come to help save Jimmy Olsen! Or they just wanted some on-panel time since Zatanna and Deadman currently aren't appearing anywhere. Big Munk the H'lvenite appear along with Spooky Mulder, I-Can't--No!--I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully, Kilowog's cousin, and Chastity Hex.

Jimmy is a boring twat. Or has he been hanging around Bizarro too much and he's actually agreeing to using name?

And apparently the bad guys immediately give up or something because Bizarro's penis is way too powerful. Jimmy and Bizarro hug and make up because that's the way a story like this is supposed to end. Nobody wants realism in a story about best friends because it always ends with them drifting apart and barely staying in touch over social media until they really only see each other for one weekend every five years or so...if that! That's a boring story and dumb ending. It's better if stories pretend that best friends stay together forever!

Bizarro #6 Rating: No change. The story ends with Bizarro and Jimmy being refused entrance to Canada so that they have to head back home to Metropolis. That was probably a spoiler. But I think spoilers are good things if you're a Bizarro! Then the narrator threatens us with another mini-series basically telling the same road trip story but in reverse. That story, of course, depends on how well the trade sells. My advice? Nobody buy the trade! This wasn't an interesting enough story for a sequel! It was also really hard to believe because superheroes love to fight each other and mistrust each other and hold grudges against each other but all the heroes in this book love Bizarro! Oh! I get it! It's Bizarro Superhero Friendship! I love Bizarro but I'm still glad this mini-series is over. It went about five issues too long.

Bizarro #5

I hope this issue breaks into a music video chase scene.

Here's something to think about: consensual sex among citizens of Bizarro World would look like rape to us.

Somehow Bizarro, Jimmy, Chastity, and Bizarro's Penis have wound up in Area 51 jail since the end of the last issue. Maybe it happened at the end of the last issue. Look, I read an awful lot of comic books every month. Take into account I'm also watching all of the super hero television shows, trying to finish reading the six thousand plus page Richard Burton edition of 1001 Arabian Nights, working through a fuckton of 20th century poetry, not to mention (although mentioning) whatever books I read to relax, and snorting a lot of synthetic cocaine (or possibly Styrofoam beads?), I have a hard time remembering everything I've consumed from month to month. Which is a total shame because what are we other than our memories and experiences? If I can't remember anything I experience then who the fuck am I?

Right now I'm the guy who wants to go roller skating and eat cotton candy with Michalie Portenberg!

Isn't she adorable?!

The Non-Certified Spouse just spent three hours morphing different celebrities with each other or herself on Morphthing.com. I decided she should morph Natalie Portman and Michelle Trachtenberg together because I knew it would be super cute.

Oh wait! I'm feeling a little bit better about my memory because the comic book flashes back to three days ago when Jimmy and Bizarro first met Spooky-not-SPOOPY-you-fucking-idiots Mulder and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully. Although I feel bad about my memory again when I realize I should have known there would be a flashback scene because this is a comic book and comic book writers have yet to realize that that trick is so old and stupid that I should probably think of a joke denigrating Republicans to finish this statement but I'm being lazy so....

I remember when Area 51 was super mysterious and exciting! Especially Hangar 18!

My grandfather received a mysterious commendation from Kelly Johnson, the man responsible for Area 51. My grandfather worked at the Skunk Works but it was all hush-hush secrecy so the only thing I know for sure that he worked on was the SR-71 Blackbird. He probably helped reverse engineer anti-gravity technology from the crashed space ship at Roswell!

The team accept the job to get their asses shot breaking into Area 51 and head to Las Vegas.

This dealer is terrible. Bizarro said not to hit!

I guess there are only like two or three jokes you can write about Las Vegas so the action returns to Area 51. They still have at least one autopsy joke left to make there. Maybe they'll even make a "What happens in Area 51, stays in Area 51" joke, right? That's something people who have been anally probed like to say, right? Anyway, in Area 51 prison, Jimmy points out that they have to anally probe the toughest alien in captivity to show their prison dominance. They might also have to mutilate a cow, depending on which aliens they're trying to impress. Those gray aliens sure have some weird hobbies.

It turns out Bizarro's Penis, Colin, is the scariest thing in the prison. That makes sense.

And then the story is back in Las Vegas! I guess they forgot to make a dead hooker joke because those are always hilarious. It's like "Oh no! I paid to have sex with a woman but that isn't the horrible part because sex workers in many situations are competent businesspersons who should not be made to feel shamed for the choices they have made. The horrible 'oh no' part is that I killed her (probably on accident) and now she is in the trunk of my rental car! This will surely break down into a series of dramatic events in which I'm almost caught but escape through quick thinking and clever dialogue. Finally I will never wind up having to pay for killing the hooker because she was just a hooker, right? Also it is Las Vegas where this kind of thing is expected and probably hilarious."

Oh! This is the part of the story where the one best friend discovers the secret being kept by the other best friend about how the best friend isn't really the best friend of the best friend because the best friend secretly doesn't even like the best friend! But later we'll learn that the best friend has learned to love the best friend and they'll reconcile and probably fuck.

Back in Area 51 prison, Bizarro gets in a fight with a sentient squirrel. I mean, a H'lvenite! It's wrong to call alien lifeforms by words describing the Earth thing they look like. Although that didn't stop Guy Gardner when he was partnered up with Zilius Zox.

The fight was pre-planned so that Munk the H'lvenite could detach Bizarro's power draining collar. Then once Bizarro was back to normal, the group could escape Area 51 Prison! But first the soldiers drive a tank into the prison and shoot Bizarro with it at point blank range.

Why do people keep building prisons with fairly easy access to destructive weapons and technology?

Bizarro chooses an old Superman outfit, Jimmy picks up some Thanagarian wings and a mace, and Chastity Hex does not find crotchless lace underwear like I was hoping. She winds up flying around with a jet-pack and a couple of lasers. I hope she gets her own series after this series ends. But I hope it's written by Neil Gaiman.

General Lane stops the brawl and insists that everybody do everything he say immediately because he's a general in the United States Army! That's practically the ultimate authority. If you're human, of course. Our Lizard Overseers wouldn't give a shit about General Lane. But Lane learns of a bigger authority than himself when Jimmy points out that he's been recording everything and sending it to Lois Lane! She'll blab anything! If General Lane wants to keep any secrets, he's going to have to do what his daughter wants! Although if Lois refuses to publish what she's learned in exchange for something she desires, she's doing a disservice to her readership!

All of the aliens are set free and Lois doesn't publish the story for some reason. Or maybe she'll just publish it later. Chastity goes off into space with Kilowog's cousin. And Bizarro's Penis catches a lift with some gray aliens. I guess that means everything worked out how it was supposed to! Or not how it was supposed to. Or maybe it all just ended the way life just ends. Although one issue is left so that's the issue where Jimmy is going to have to apologize to Bizarro for hurting his feelings.

Bizarro #5 Rating: No change. DC Comics should remember how convenient four issue miniseries were. They were just enough to get a story told without overstaying their welcome if they weren't the most interesting things in the world. Don't worry about how a four issue series doesn't quite hit the sweet spot on the page length and pricing chart for a collected edition. Instead, realize that a lot of people will commit to a four issue mini-series without even caring about the overall quality! This Bizarro miniseries was interesting enough with one or two funny moments per issue but it's really running long at six issues. We get the joke. I say not only forget doing six issue series but forget doing open-ended series altogether! Stop giving writers who have nothing to actually say a book that is expected to run for as long as it can (for example, Scott Lobdell with Doomed). Instead, give more writers who pitch a coherent, intriguing story four issues to tell it. Seriously though, I have so many four issue miniseries in my collection that I've probably never read because I just picked them up to read after they were all out and then never got to them. Four issue miniseries are potential goldmines!

Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

Bizarro #3

This issue would have sold more copies if Chastity Hex were on the cover.

Me am not review this book later. Ha ha! GET IT?! I was typing like Bizarro! Ha ha! I just wish I were imaginative enough to keep that up throughout the review. It would be so hilarious I'd probably get a job writing sitcoms for CBS! I think I could write for Mike and Molly! Hey CBS! Read this pitch that you'll probably find when you Google "CBS" to see what everybody is talking about!

Mike: "Hello, Molly! I am doing this thing that everybody does but it is funny because I am so grossly overweight!"
Molly: "Oh Mike! Let me help you because it is even funnier when two overweight people do the thing that people do every day without any trouble at all!"
Mike: "Did we do a joke yet where I mention how much I love food?"
Molly: "Yes, that was the first fifteen minutes of the show. Remember when your African American partner was making all of those fat jokes at your expense because he's allowed to make them because you two are such good friends?"
Mike: "Oh yeah! He is my nigga."
Molly: "MIKE! You can't say that!"
Mike: "But he's my friend and he calls me fat all of the time. Is it not the gentle ribbing between good police friends?"
Molly: "I cannot believe I let you put your penis inside of my vagina, you racist."
Mike: "I am not a racist. I am a cop from Chicago."
Laugh Track: Ten minutes of canned laughter.

So do I get the job or not, CBS? Maybe I should write a scene for The Big Bang Theory too. Just in case!

David: "When are we going to play Halo?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "You know we do not play Halo anymore, David. Remember how angry you were that they changed the Battle Rifle to the DMR in Halo Reach and how you just couldn't figure out the special abilities so you'd often quit in complete nerd rage?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
David: "Oh right. Remember when The Flash ran on his cosmic treadmill and found that alternate Earth?"
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "Of course I do. Everybody remembers that. They also remember when The Joker beat Robin to death with a crowbar and when Katana gave Halo a kitten."
Laugh Track: Laughter.
David: "We should have an argument about the rules of the apartment now before Penny comes in and makes judging faces at us."
Laugh Track: Laughter.
Sheldon: "Bazinga!"
Laugh Track: Canned laughter until the show ends and Chuck Lorre puts up some quote about his butt hurting.

Now do I have a job? Maybe one more scene! This is for the new version of The Odd Couple. I hope that show is also on CBS since I've never seen it.

Chandler: "I am so different than you!"
The Other Guy: "It is causing so much strain on our relationship!"
Chandler: "If only we were more alike!"
The Other Guy: "Is our show not funny or did those nerds break the Laugh Track again?"
Chandler: "You said 'again'! Nice touch!"
The Other Guy: "I wish you were dead."

Now that I'll probably be spending a lot of time working on scripts for CBS, I imagine this Bizarro Review will be one of my last. I just won't have time to read comic books when I'm scripting America's funniest sitcoms!

The first page of the issue is nearly identical to the cover except the characters do not have weapons and Chastity Hex was allowed to join the group for the photo op. Her face isn't as hideous as her name would suggest. Not the Chastity part! That part suggests that her face is hardly ever looked at because she's probably dancing naked.

Jimmy, Bizarro, and Bizarro's cock have found themselves in an actual ghost town where the ghost part of the name is both descriptive of a town that was abandoned and also of the residents living in the town. Either they're all actual ghosts or a whole lot of seedy real estate speculators are trying to scare each other off so they can buy up the property at pennies on the dollar.

All a woman really wants is for a guy to stop farting.

Chastity Hex is bounty hunting some guy named Jeremiah Blackhearse who is not a ghost even though his name sounds like he's been dead for one hundred and fifty years. Jimmy Olsen and Bizarro find him first which means Jimmy Olsen can snap some pictures of him as he gets away. And Bizarro can yell, "He am staying right here slowly!"

After Jeremiah gets away like I pointed out he would not two sentences ago, a ghost outlaw named El Papagayo rides into town with his gang and his parrot. So that shouldn't cause any trouble, right? As living beings, Jimmy and Bizarro can just ignore them and get on with their business. Most of that business is Jimmy trying to get into Chastity's pants because he isn't paying attention to her name. This is a comic book and names are meaningful! Although sometimes names are opposite, like when you call a tall guy Shorty or a fat guy Slim. So Chastity might be a great big whore!

Yes, please! More kisses on my bloodpumper!

Bizarro tries to battle Papagayo but finds it impossible because he doesn't own a Proton Pack. But Papagayo has a whole stable of ghost tricks to try and eventually possesses Bizarro. At least it allows Bizarro to speak normally for awhile.

Papazarro recognizes the name of Hex and figures it should be fun to wipe out any relation of Jonah Hex. Jimmy figures he should call Superman but realizes his Cracker Jacks' Superman Alert Bracelet was stolen a few days ago when he met The Riddler. I guess that means Jimmy will have to remind Bizarro how they're worstest friends ever so that Bizarro will regain control of his body with the power of friendship.

I'm only half Spanish and I know how to conjugate better than stupid Papagayo.

In my tenth grade Spanish class, we had to give an oral report that described our hobbies and aspirations. When I got to my aspiration, the conversation with my teacher Mr. Edwards went something like this:

Me: "Yo quiero dominar todo el mundo."
Mr. Edwards: "¿Como Hitler?"
Me: "¡No! Como Napoleon."
Mr. Edwards: "¿Qué diferencia?"
Me: "¡Más diferencia!"

I didn't know enough Spanish to defend Napoleon's campaign to conquer the world. I'm not sure I know enough English to defend it! But it sounded better than being compared to Hitler!

Jimmy Olsen blows the bugle hanging on the wall of the Brass Bugle Saloon and the ghosts of J. Jonah Hex and Cinnamon and Bat Lash and some other Western DC heroes come riding into town to destroy the ghost of Papagayo! Apparently J. Jonah Hex has a Proton Pack because he sucks the ghost of Papagayo right out of Bizarro's head and hauls him off to ghost jail, earning himself ten thousand ghost bucks in the process.

Chastity Hex hitches a ride with Jimmy and Bizarro as they head into Branson to drop off Jeremiah Blackhearse (who they caught at the end through silly shenanigans) and claim the bounty. Also in Branson? Zatanna! More sexy ladies for Jimmy Olsen to work his barely functioning charm on!

Bizarro #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. Jonah Hex was in this issue so you know it was a racist adventurous comic with an insensitive uplifting tale about a lone white man beating the odds in a savage dangerous world! Also Chastity Hex is a character that should get more on-panel appearances, especially panels that take place at the beach or near a swimming pool. Bizarro has never been better and I mean that either in the literal sense or in the Bizarro sense, depending on which you agree with. Because I don't want to wind up arguing with anybody about my opinions because how am I supposed to convince you that my opinions are right if you're too stupid to agree with them in the first place?!

Bizarro #2

YOU! Got what I neeeeeeeeeed! But you say he's just a friend! You say he's just a friend. OH BABY!!

My dream is to be the Biz Markie of comic book reviewers! Have I succeeded yet?! My pockets aren't full of cash so I'm going to assume the answer is no. But that's not a problem on my side! That's a problem with the sophistication and intelligence of the people not giving me scads of cash. Jerks! I bet all those people with money are sitting around talking about their money and how excited they are to have Bloom County back after they quickly read the Bloom County Wikipedia to find out what all the hubbub was about. Hey! I'm super artsy and popular and funny too! At least I could be popular if everybody started talking about me! You should be the first people to talk about me on social media sites because that would make you cool and cutting edge! You could build the bandwagon! Also, you should be an investor with lots of money who isn't expecting a return on that money because I'm just going to spend it on Oreos and fines for masturbating in public.

Hmm. Since Bizarro is rated E for Everyone, I probably shouldn't mention masturbating in the commentary for it. Although, as long as I don't make a big deal about the word "masturbation" and call attention to it, all the young Everyones won't know what it is or how much time they'll be spending doing it in a few years!

Hey DC Comics! Leave the poorly drawn stick people crayon pages to me! You'll be hearing from my pretend lawyer whose never lost a pretend case in his life.

I've been reading the second edition of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry published about twenty years ago because I really like poetry by old white people and Langston Hughes as well. What I have discovered so far is that I don't appreciate Gerard Manley Hopkins at all. It's as if he decided he was going to write the most incomprehensible comic book reviews poetry he could think of, throw in a bunch of references to Jesus and Mary, and add a bunch of accent marks to make sure everybody was stressing his syllables correctly. As if it mattered! His meter is fucking--and I'm being quite technical in my poetry criticism lingo here--wackadoodle! Maybe it's just me. I have to admit some of his meter and schemes are quite clever, and he never makes them easy by not ending sentences where they usually end in low grade amateur poetry (at the end of the line! Duh!). I think people like him because he's difficult and liking difficult poetry makes a person better than a person who doesn't like difficult poetry. They get to look down their snobby noses at the dissenter and say things like, "You just don't understand it." Oh, I understand it's crap, jerk! Sometimes I like difficult poetry! But I certainly don't like Gerard Manley Hopkins' difficult poetry! Although that one where the nuns drown was hilarious.

Gosh darn it, Bizarro! Now a whole generation of kids are going to think King Tut was Pharaoh during the time of Moses! Thanks for contributing to Dumb Kids Who Don't Know Their Bible Culture!

I'm sure glad God is fooled by changing the "d" in his name to "sh"! That way I can get away with committing blasphemy whenever I stub my toe or rant at a fictional character! Watch this! "Hey Gosh! Suck it! Your son Jeezly Crow is garbage!" Hee hee! The best part is I can't be punished on a technicality! God is dumb! I mean Gosh is dumb! Crap!

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

As an areligious kid growing up in Northern California, I had no idea that Schlemiel or a Schlimazel was anything other than complete nonsense. I don't think I learned of the existence of Jewish people until that commercial with the son and his grandfather fishing where the kid is a huge transphobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic bigot. Even back then, I knew to yell at the television set within earshot of people who would nod in assent and approve of my views, "That kid is gross! He should be shunned and destroyed!"

Oh! I forgot I was reading Bizarro. Um, Jimmy Olsen is freed from Tut's spell by Bizarro's penis chewing on his skull. Don't worry! It doesn't have to make sense! This book is rated E for Everyone. Have you read a children's book lately? They're worse than a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins! I wish my middle name were "Manley" and then people would just assume I knew about cars and sports and pleasuring women without always embarrassing me by asking me questions I can't answer. Like "What is an engine?" and "How many sports does a sportsball score?" and "Why would I have sex with you?"

Bizarro's penis also slaps Tut's daughter in the head, breaking the spell on her as well. I should probably remember her name because it might seem sexist that I can't remember it as opposed to seeming like I have a serious brain injury which I wish I had right now to defend against any accusations of sexism.

What's her name's boobs look hot, right?

Bizarro uses Super-Hypnosis to defeat King Tut by making him think he's a chicken. I don't know what Bizarro really thought he was turning King Tut into because I don't know what the opposite of chicken is. When Tut drops his Staff of Ra, Jimmy Olsen breaks it over his knee releasing a huge amount of destructive magic energy! No, no. It just breaks in two. So unbelievable.

Does Superman have Super-Hypnosis? I suppose he would have the opposite of that power which is Super-Gullibility?

After Jimmy and Bizarro are given medallions and a convertible for saving the people of Smallville from buying some cars, they leave town, presumably for Gotham if the cover can be believed. Regina, King Tut's daughter, decides she needs to get revenge on Bizarro for turning her father into an Indigo Girl's song. Part of her motivation might also be the influence of the Staff of Ra after she repairs it. Also she might be mad at Jimmy Olsen for not kissing her after she gave him a car.

In Gotham, Jimmy Olsen snaps a picture of Kelley Jones' Batman throwing a Batarang into Bizarro's head. Next they stop off at Central City where Jimmy snaps a picture of Bizarro clotheslining The Flash as he runs by. Jimmy must have a pretty fast shutter speed! Unless it's something else about cameras that lets them capture fast moving objects. Like the aperture! Or the cell phone plan!

After evading the ARGUS Agents that have been following them across the country, Jimmy and Bizarro head into a ghost town where Jimmy gets to meet another fantastic looking woman he's not going to do it to. I mean, he's not going to do it to her because she's going to be a fully fleshed out character who is not just in the comic as a romantic foil for Jimmy Olsen. She won't be that at all! But she must still have nice bosoms and a nice behind, of course, or else all the male fans will throw the book down in disgust while scratching their huge bellies and wondering why the room smells like old farts and sniffing the hand that was just scratching their balls to determine if they should take a shower or not before the big Magic Tournament later that night.

Chastity Hex am not stripper name at all!

Night falls and the ghosts come out and I inscribe "Chastity Hex" on the inside of my Secret Diary where I keep the names of all of my crushes.

Bizarro #2 Rating: No change. It am not funny at all. By which I mean it has quite a few moments that really entertained me. It's a cute book!

Bizarro #1

Ha ha! The one is backwards!

This comic book is rated "E" for everyone. Is that a Bizarro rating? Does that mean it's actually not for anybody? I'm disappointed in the rating. I was hoping that Jimmy Olsen was going to introduce Bizarro to the concept of Lot Lizards during their road trips. I guess instead they're just going to have easily palatable adventures on the road. Maybe they'll play license plate Bingo and stop at Sonic for shakes. Then Bizarro will give Jimmy a handie as Jimmy drives which means Bizarro won't give Jimmy a handie because get it? He does the opposite!

I wonder how many reviews of this comic book resorted to talking like Bizarro throughout the review? I'd respect those reviews more than the ones that probably spent the first two or three sentences speaking like Bizarro before calling attention to how confusing it is before going back to their regular, insufferable, boring ass reviews where they say things like, "The art really set the tone in that special way that art sets the tone for the tone of the comic book's tone. And also this sentence says something good about the colorist that I've probably said five bajillion times because how many ways can you say, 'This comic book had colors that were colorful'?"

The issue begins two hours into Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen's road trip. If you haven't read the Sneak Peek, you might be wondering, "Why are Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen on a road trip?" Well, let me fill you in on that! Jimmy likes money and he thinks he can make money by taking Bizarro on a road trip and photographing him in compromising situations.

Jimmy Olsen thinks he can get more than money but since that reward is harder to explain to the younger part of "E is for Everyone," we'll just keep pretending he's only in it for the money. So he can afford prostitutes!

A couple of people are following Jimmy and Bizarro at a discrete distance because Bizarro could be dangerous. They probably work for ARGUS. Or the Daily Planet.

So, two hours out of Metropolis and Bizarro decides to pull out his cock which he calls Colin the Chupacabra. Things don't go well for Jimmy.

Don't worry! The younger Everyones won't understand why Jimmy Olsen is choking to death.

Bizarro's pet Chupacabra looks a lot like a real Chupacabra! I've got a figure of one in my office next to my crystal skull and my Red King. It's not the same color but that's easily explained! My figure is of an actual, historically accurate Chupacabra and Bizarro's Chupacabra is just a raccoon with severe mange.

Bizarro tells the origin story of Colin the Chupacabra. It has a really nice panel that I would use for my banner if Colin's cry had just happened to be "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" instead of "Shooo-kah!"

Actually, Bonobos are highly sexed so that manholes and bonobos statement is a fuck joke. E for Everyone my not-as-tight-as-it-used-to-be ass!

Jimmy crashes his car into a tree because he had Bizarro's cock lodged in his throat. That means Bizarro is going to have to carry Jimmy's car to Canada. Or maybe just to a garage in Smallville which must be two hours outside Metropolis. Or maybe it's Bizarro Two Hours outside Metropolis! That makes more sense. I think.

This issue is called "Bizarro America: Part 6" because six is the opposite of one.

At a diner, Jimmy Olsen gets wind of a used car lot run by King Tut! Oh no! That's just like the name of that super villain in Batman '66 that I always found super boring so I usually changed the channel when he was in an episode even if that meant I might miss Lost in Space after Batman was over.

King Tut has a daughter who is drawn very sexily for an E is for Everyone cartoon character. She has two boobs and a crotch which seems a bit much for the younger readers. Plus she has a Queen Tut costume that I can't wait to see her wearing because it would really bring out her intelligence and give her a sense of agency!

Jimmy takes his car to be fixed by King Tut but he might get more than he bargained for!

Like seeing girl penis!

King Tut's daughter Regina is too sexy to be flirting with Jimmy Olsen. She must be trying to set him up so that her father can knock him down and Jimmy will end up with a beautiful car and thousands of dollars in debt. Also the car will probably be a lemon.

While Jimmy and Bizarro take photos for Jimmy's future coffee table book, Regina quits the car lot so she can follow her dream of making artisanal chocolate. That's super sexy, right? Her father doesn't seem to care because he's praying to Egyptian Gods. He makes contact with them and receives the Staff of Ra. Except he doesn't realize the Gods were just aliens fucking around with him as they search for their pal, Ch'ck the Chupacabra.

I think I like Regina better in her street clothes.

Jimmy's car won't be fixed until the next day so he and Bizarro head to a motel for the night. It only has one vacancy left so they share a bed. Bizarro dreams of happy people loving him and viewing him as a hero. He's surrounded by unicorns and rainbows and kittens. Bizarro is a truly happy creature. Jimmy doesn't dream of anything because he's ensorcelled and sleep walks over to King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis to purchase a car along with every other citizen in Smallville. It's up to Bizarro to save the day and keep everybody from driving away happily in a nearly brand new car of their literal dreams! Get it? Literal because they're all still sleeping!

Bizarro #1 Rating: 7.5 Non-Backwards Stars out of Ten. This is no Vertigo title but it's pretty much what it sold itself to be in the Sneak Peek. It's silly and cartoony and a bit of comic book fun. Plus it had a Chupacabra and Aliens in it. But it wasn't "ha ha ha I'm busting my nuts" funny so it only gets a slightly above average score for keeping me entertained for an hour or so. I imagine it's the kind of comic book that can be read in three minutes though and then it would seem like an awful lot of money for such a minor distraction! If that's the case, I recommend you read it three or four more times. Also try to remember when you read it that the Twix Advertisement is not part of the story. I know it looks like it is but trust me! It is not!