Doctor Fate #4

Symbolism!

Our economy is like seats on an airliner. The corporations we're all destined to be shackled to throughout our life decide how much leg space we have. We accept or never fly (I've chosen not to fly! For now!). If corporations treat their employees kindly, we have lots and lots of foot room! We don't need to recline our seats or anything. Although if we do choose to recline our seats, it doesn't bother the person behind us because we all have plenty of room. But if corporations are assholes because some old fuckfaced jelly bean lover tore down the tax rates on the upper, upper, upper end of income because he didn't truly believe in "trickle down" economics ("trickle down" was actually already happening because when somebody is getting taxed at a rate of 99% on the upper, upper, upper end of their income, instead of accepting that 1% and giving up 99% to the government, they tend to put it back into the company which means higher wages for employees, better benefits, Beer Fridays, etc.) and actually believed in putting more money into the bank accounts of the already extremely wealthy, then the space between seats is reduced to a really uncomfortable and limited area. Now the only way to feel comfortable is to recline your seat which only makes the person behind you more uncomfortable and forces them to make a decision as to whether or not they're going to recline and continue the cycle. Now the workers are all fighting for scraps. Also the drink service sucks because the flight attendants are rabid dogs who have never learned how to open cans because they can't stop biting people. Also they're afraid of liquids.

I hate analogies no matter how fun they are to use to point out to somebody something which is too complex to state plainly and also might not make your argument look so good. So it's always better to think up a situation that makes your side sound so patently obvious that the other person would be a moron to not agree with you. Then you just change the analogy back to the original situation and yell, "AHA! You do agree with me!" Hopefully the other person says "Yes, I guess I do!" rather than choosing to punch you in the face for being a huge smart ass.

What I'm trying to say is that removing the burden of huge taxes on the extremely wealthy's upper, upper, upper end of their income (and not, as advocates for tax breaks on the wealthy would have you believe, the burden of huge taxes on all of a wealthy person's income. Everybody, rich and poor, are taxed exactly the same amount as everybody else on the money they make (excluding loopholes). Learn how taxes work, assholes) has destroyed the middle class by teaching CEOs and other high ranking corporate bastards that more money is simply more money! So not only did money not get reinvested into corporations by the Trickle Down Myth, CEOs realized they could make even more money (now that it wasn't taxed away to nothing) by lowering wages, removing benefits, taking away Beer Fridays, and et cetera. America!

What does any of that have to do with Doctor Fate? Well, nothing. It's just that I hate people who use umbrellas because they're taking up more space on the streets than they need, sending water that should have gone onto their heads onto me instead, and often don't realize how many times they almost pop open passersby's eyes. Selfish bastards.

Currently, Kent is in class learning about science! I think he's learning about science. I'm not sure I'd stick with this class if my "Medicine, Genes, and Cells" professor told me that "Being a doctor is part science, part theater, and a hint of magician as..." (her dialogue box fades out but I think I got enough). I want a doctor who believes being a doctor is all science! I don't want her reciting Shakespeare or pulling a rabbit out of my colon! Drop the course, Kent!

Holy fuck! His cat died and you're telling him to buck up while misquoting Through the Looking-Glass?! Don't just drop that course! Drop Shaya too!

For most of the rest of the book, Khalid--or Kent, I guess--learns how to use the helmet. He decides to go pray to some ancient Gods at a rebuilt and restored (stolen) temple in some museum in Brooklyn. He seems to finally give in and accept that he needs to learn to use the helmet to save the world. Of course after learning a bit, he tries to give the helmet back and declares he's not strong enough to be Doctor Fate. Then he goes back to believing that the whole fucking thing is a hallucination or some kind of drug-induced paranoia.

The caterpillar never asked Alice to smoke anything. Stop getting Lewis Carroll books wrong.

I get it! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero! He's reluctant! How many issues are we going to waste on this wishy-washy behavior?! Better books than this have gone to their graves dillydallying like this. You've got your point across. Khalid is unsure about his ability! Now just force him into a fight with Anubis already.

Oh hey guys! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero!

The Sphinx tells Khalid that to defeat Anubis, he must give Anubis what he wants most in all the world. Beggin' Strips?

Khalid saves some people on the way home because that's what he should be doing, even if it was a pretty boring rescue and not something I'd want to read about every month. And then he begins to wonder how Anubis is destroying the world when Jesus and Allah have so many people worshiping them. Yeah! And what about Krishna?! And Buddha! And me! We're all way stronger than Anubis! And most of us other gods spend nearly zero percent of our lives licking our balls. It would be exactly zero percent but occasionally Krishna drips some butter on his balls and just goes to town. That guy just can't get enough of that stuff.

Khalid somehow comes to the conclusion that God helps those who help themselves. Which basically means God doesn't do shit. Hey, guess what I do! I help those who help themselves too! Fucking philanthropist right here! After Khalid has this revelation (with the help of remembering Oh God), Bast reappears and tells Khalid it is time to Fate up. And the Next Month Blurb says, "Confrontation". Bullshit! That's what it said at the end of the last issue! I'm not going to wait around for it much longer! It's not like I was promised a blow job!

Doctor Fate #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Get on with the story, Levitz! So far you've written four issues of Khalid saying dopey shit like "Am I on drugs?" and "This can't be happening!" He's said it many different ways across several different panels throughout all four issues. I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored that I just broke the head off of my Doctor Fate Super Powers figure and screamed, "Do something! Just do something, asshole!" Now I'm sort of bummed that I did that because I don't think the Doctor Fate Super Powers Action Figure can actually do magic to restore itself.