Catwoman: Election Night #1

Dammit. I only picked this up because I thought it said "Erection Night."

• I'm skipping ahead in my stack of comics to read this before it is no longer topical. It would be weird to read this three weeks from now when nobody wants to be reminded of the election. Not that anybody wants to be reminded of it now! Can you believe how the people voting for that one person can actually live with themselves?! It's shocking!

• That's enough of my intense, biting political commentary! I'm just going to read this comic book now about a sexy sex kitten who can't get enough bat-dick.

• For some reason, the story begins when Selina Kyle is a little girl which means she's missing her best two features!

• Selina is living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayard Girls, an orphanage where she pretends a cat named Ali is her best friend. They hang out in the laundry room trying not to get adopted or beaten up by the ugly orphans. It doesn't work. The ugly orphans find her anyway.

• That's enough of the flashback! It's time for Tits in Tight Leather. That's my secret name for Catwoman that I never tell anybody because I don't want them to think I'm sexist. Is it sexist to view a fictional character as a sex object? I mean, she is just an object in that she's a drawing on paper! And that object is definitely sexy because my pants are suddenly too tight in the front.

• Catwoman with her two best features appears on the credits page and I'm less interested in Catwoman's best features than I am in the credits. Not because I see Meredith Finch is writing this story and now know that I'll be wasting the next hour of my life reading something she wrote. No, what really excites me is that I don't see Russell's name in the credits but his name was on the cover. And you know what else was on the cover? A Prez billboard! Which means, using my super duper sleuthing skills taught to me by my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, Mark Russell must have written a Prez back-up story for this Erection Day Special! I think plowing my way through an inane and probably sexist Meredith Finch story might be worth it to get to the chewy Corndog Girl center!

• In the present, Catwoman is busy beating up one of the Penguin's henchmen who was trying to steal from Miss Kitty. What a hypocrite she is!

Hey! A cat's tongue is no joke! Many times, my cat Judas licked my arm raw in his overzealous taste tests!

• The next day, Catwoman picks up her copy of the Gotham Gazette which she apparently subscribes to. She also feeds Ali the Cat who is still alive somehow. He looks pretty fucking beat up, so he's probably twenty or so. You know how you can tell a cat is old just by glancing at it because it's gotten to that point where it's all, "Fuck it. I've licked myself clean with my tongue for my entire life. What the fuck do I care what I look like now?" Also, their meow becomes the sound of rusting metal scraping across more rusting metal. Sometimes they're almost blind so you can get them to run into table legs by calling them and snapping your fingers right next to a table leg. I mean, if you were a big jerk, you could do that! Who would even think of something like that? Poor kitty!

• In the Gotham Gazette is a story by Vicki Vale where she typed "ormally" instead of "formally." I hope she got fired. Oh, the article is about The Penguin running for mayor. Didn't I already see this story on that terrible Gotham television show? Is The Penguin also super gay for The Riddler in this?

• Riddle me this, Riddler: What's black and white and sucks dick all over?!

• Catwoman comes to the conclusion that The Penguin's run for mayor has something to do with Miss Kitty because of course everything is about her. The unfortunate thing for me and my commentary is that, this being a comic book by a mediocre writer, she's probably absolutely right. I don't like stories where the main character knows what's going on at all times from the fewest clues life throws at them! Life is not this easy! It's why my favorite author is Philip K. Dick! Because his theme is usually "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HOW DO I LIFE?!"

• The Penguin speaks exactly like Donald Trump and is really concerned about putting a wall up around Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls. This is lazy satire. I can't wait to get to the Prez story! That one will be full of brilliant satire! And Corndog Girl!

• Back in the past, Selina learns that she's not supposed to hate jerks who cut up your face with a box cutter. You're supposed to go, "You know what? I don't know why that bitch tried to kill me, so how can I judge?"

• Fuck you, Miss Kitty.

• The Penguin's plan is apparently to build a wall around Gotham City to keep out all the Narrows riff-raff and suburbanites. But he also plans to knock down Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls! Selina was right! This election really does affect her and the things she cares about! I guess now she'll vote for The Penguin's opponent and he'll lose and everybody will celebrate the democratic process! Right?

• Constance Hill is The Penguin's opponent and she vows to do whatever it takes to beat The Penguin! So, like, she's going to campaign and shit? Or is vowing to do whatever it takes in front of Catwoman her whole plan? "Hey, Catwoman! We must win because I build bridges and not walls (I totally just made that up right now myself! So clever, right?! Okay fine! Somebody else said it first! But who can tell who, so it's kind of mine, right?!) So I'll do whatever it takes to win, if you get my meaning! Do you get my meaning? You're a thief. People steal elections? Do you need more hints?!"

• My guess is that Catwoman will discover an embarrassing thing about The Penguin (like how he's really still a big fat gay criminal!) and then expose the truth which will cause everybody to vote for Constance Hill in a landslide. As if voters care about truth!

Did Catwoman just give that guard a handy to get into the casino?! He doesn't look very pleased about it!

Batman is waiting for Catwoman in an empty room of the Iceberg Casino. He's also super jealous. He's all, "What took you so long? What are those stains on your gloves I'm picking up through my Bat-Semen-Detecting Goggles?!" Actually, it kind of looks like Catwoman's suit is covered in semen stains.

What's up with this suggestive dick-sucking framing?

• At first I thought Batman and Catwoman were working together on something. Why else would Batman be waiting for her inside the casino? It's the only thing that makes sense, right?! Nope. Batman is just trying to stop Catwoman from doing things Catwoman's way. AGAIN! Doesn't this fucking jerk get it yet? He might be able to control all the little orphans he adopts but why does he keep thinking he can tell a grown-ass woman how to live her life?! Why's he always trying to Daddy her? And I don't mean in a sexy way. Wait. Is it sexy to call some guy Daddy when you fuck him? Ugh. I think I'm going to throw up.

• Batman hands over some of The Penguin's recent real estate transactions because he somehow knows what Catwoman was after. That's disturbing. The only conclusion is that he's bugged her Catsuit or her vagina. And why did he even need to show up to hand over the documents? Couldn't Catwoman have done it herself? And if he was planning on helping her with the documents, why the fuck was he waiting for her inside the casino?! Now Penguin might be on alert because people broke into his place!

• I suppose it's possible Batman was in disguise as the guard who got the handy. That would explain the guard's sour expression. So risking meeting Catwoman inside the Iceberg was the only way to get the handy and get her the information!

• The next flashback makes it apparent that one of the horrible kids became Constance Hill. And that she also murdered another horrible kid so that she could take the girl's place in her upcoming adoption. Which would also explain why she doesn't want Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls knocked down since they'll find the skeletal remains of her murder victim. So, once again, Catwoman was right because earlier she said she didn't trust Constance Hill, the perfect candidate!

• Is this story going to end with a big "VOTE FOR JILL STEIN!" banner?

• Catwoman has grown into her ability to jump to the perfect conclusion because as a kid, she was a complete fucking idiot. All of the evidence of murder were right in front of her and she couldn't put the pieces together. But when she sees one of The Penguin's henchmen fucking around outside Miss Kitty's and then sees he's running for mayor the next day, she immediately knows the two are connected!

• Now that Catwoman's an adult, she finally figures out the murder. You can't get anything past older Catwoman! Younger Catwoman though? Please. What an idiot!

• Catwoman breaks into the debates to destroy all of the candidates. She's in a hurry this time so she trades handies for kicks to the face and the tired old "cat got your tongue" line.

• Catwoman exposes Constance's decade old murder and Batman exposes The Penguin's shady real estate dealings and nobody becomes mayor. But Batman does get a good idea to make more money buying up properties!

• The story ends with Corndog Girl living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls, for some reason. Continuity be damned! This probably works or something. Whatever, it's a segue!

• Next up is a Prez story by Mark Russell called "Trigger Warnings". Shouldn't there have been a Content Warning before using the term Trigger Warning?

• Remember when I said there would be brilliant satire in the Prez comic? I take that back! It's lacking in subtlety and the humor doesn't quite make up for the bluntness of the message. Maybe it was tweaked so that the typical voter would understand the message. What good is satire if audience bias can simply interpret the story however they want?

• So after the more guns is dangerous and confusing segment, we get the men discussing women's health issue bit.

It's still screaming to the choir but at least it's funnier.

• Juxtaposing the two issues of gun control and legislating women's bodies winds up being much smarter than I realized. Mostly because I'm stupid and stubborn. So when you write a story showing how dumb open and carry is and make it super obvious that it's dumb with a lot of dumb characters, I just want to think, "Duh! That's dumb!" But then when you sit the issue of guns and how many people die from them and how Congress will do nothing about it right up next to women's health issues like birth control and abortion, issues which Congress are stampeding to legislate, I finally see the genius of the story. Again, though, not like this isn't shit that isn't super obvious to the people who agree with it.

What?! But that sounds like a Win/Win Situation!

• After finishing the story, I'm super sorry that I ever doubted Mark Russell's ability due to the lack of subtlety in the gun nuts shooting up a burger joint scene! Everything wraps up in such a way that I'm super jealous of Mark Russell and might have to one day stalk him, kidnap him, and shove him in the well I've dug in the basement. Can people exist only on semen caught on their tongue like snowflakes?

The Ranking!
I'm not ranking this! Are you crazy?! It's a one-shot! It'll clutter up my rankings! Also, I forgot to add Nightwing to the list! I should fix that!

Wonder Woman #52

This cover makes me sad because it reminds me when I was a little tuna-lad and Cliff Chiang was doing the art on this book.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing is hard. Not just the typing part although that's pretty tough too! The part of writing where you have to put words together and hope that an editor doesn't mark up your computer screen with her evil red pen. Why are there so many rules to remember? Like don't end sentences with prepositions such as "of" or "with". Or incomplete sentences! Those are a real hassle! And what about that other thing that people hate? The old lady thing? Oh yeah! Grammar! Ugh! But the really truly hardest part of writing is not writing Wonder Woman's story in the most sexist way possible! That part of writing is hard even when you manage not to do it because people are just frothing at the mouth to point out sexism in everything! I bet I just sounded like a sexist four or five times in this paragraph alone! Especially that part where I called my mother a bitch!

Oh wait! I only thought that part! I thought I wrote it because I think it constantly! When I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how my father was a drunk bastard who never had any time for me! Occasionally I'll have a free moment where I'm not thinking about my parents and then I start thinking about my sister! What a cunt!

I told you writing is hard! I'm not even writing about Wonder Woman and I got all sexist anyway! That's why I've decided to go easy on Meredith Finch this last issue. Because I see how hard it must be to take a feminist icon like Wonder Woman and try to tell your story about how every woman's greatest yearning is to be a mother. That's a tough job to pull off! Especially when you have so many jerks on the Internet telling you how awful you are and how you married a guy who draws pretty good female breasts. Although it's creepy that he always attaches them to thirteen year old girls. And you'd think he'd spend at least a little time practicing drawing men's faces so that they didn't look like bizarre Fish People hiding in the shadows even when they're standing directly under the noonday sun.

This issue is called "In the Name of Love" because it's story about a woman and that's pretty much the only subject anybody is interested in when the main character is a woman. I don't want to see her doing science or fighting battles or making really strong Magic the Gathering decks! I want to see her find love, settle down, cook up a nice dinner, and end the night with some nice, mature doing of it. Who's with me, Internet?!

I'm glad people can't throw tomatoes through the Internet because I bet I'd currently be covered in mustard. I mean ketchup!

I don't think the kind of love the title is referring to is the sexy kind of love. I think it's the motherly love and the gal-pal love of hinted at lesbianism. So Diana has to save Zola who is under the kind of spell that looks like it needs to be broken by a long, deep girl-on-girl kiss! And she has to save Zeke because she's got a bad case of Baby Rabies. At first I typed "Baby Ravies" but that's an entirely different story that has even more pacifiers than you'd usually find in a story about babies.

Oh gross! Hecate wants to do it to a baby?! I bet even the Olympians frown on that!

The theme of this entire story has either been Wonder Woman can't wait to have a Kryptonian baby, or people who look like monsters aren't always monsters and monsters who look like people sometimes swim really well. Because now Hecate is telling Zeke all about how she was treated like a monster because she looked like a monster which is why she became a monster who wants to do it to a baby. Because that's the theme, I think Diana has to forgive Hecate at the end of this all because Hecate was so misunderstood and victimized. It's the only way to be sure that the victimizing victim doesn't get blamed for wanting to do it to a baby.

I really can't let go Hecate's desire to do it to a baby! You all know what I mean by "it", right? It's hard to tell because kids today have so many words for doing it, words like "talking" and "hooking up" and "Cleveland Steamer".

Hera appears and begins calling Hecate a disgusting monster whose vagina offered Zeus nothing but power! Man. I wish I had some power! I actually wish I had some carrot cake. Vagina scares me. I mean, penis scares me too! But the story didn't really mention penis. I mean, it mentioned Zeus was a misogynistic whore which is a pretty good nickname for a penis, as in "I've got a pretty average-sized misogynistic whore!"

Whew! I'm glad Hera has turned out to be the real monster because I'd rather believe gorgeous people are the true monsters and hideous little misshapen vomit-inducers are the good people of the world! My reasons for wanting to believe this are secret reasons that you wouldn't understand because you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do! Besides, it's always nice to have another reason to hate beautiful people!

Diana ties up Hera with her Golden Lasso and then begins fighting with Hecate. I guess she's just run out of patience with everybody. I totally get that! I'm like, "Ugh! Stop trying to stay in contact with me, family! I moved away for a reason!" And then my sister is all, "But we love you! Why do you keep us at arm's length?!" And then I'm all, "You still haven't fucking apologized for changing the channel while I was watching the video for Lionel Richie's 'Hello'!" There. That's the story! Now you see why I used such a harsh word to describe my sister. I think you'll agree it was justified!

While Hecate and Diana battle, Hera wanders up to murder Zeke. I'm so confused by the multiple symbols that make up this moment! Zeus is symbolic of the Patriarchy and about to be destroyed forever by the ultimate battered and beleaguered wife! But Zeus is currently a baby which is like carrot cake to the Matriarchy! And the misogynist whore is in the lap of Gaia, the ultimate mother! Meanwhile a monster fights to save the baby while the beautiful person wants to murder it! Up is down and down is racist!

Hecate sees her chance to run off as Hera and Diana work through all the symbols in their final New 52 conversation. Love, manipulation, mothers, fathers, Gods, beauty, ugliness, truth, Frisbee Golf. They discuss it all! This is the point in the comic book where you purchase Huey Lewis's "The Power of Love" from iTunes and begin rocking out to it. It's also the point where Zeke turns back into Zeus only five years after I first said Zeke was Zeus. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

All that's left are the end of Stand By Me epilogues! Hera went on to remain a bitter, hateful shrew at the side of a misogynistic whore! But at least she looked beautiful doing it, the monster!

Hecate went to live in a vagina with a penis.

The Penises, or Cyclopes, are allowed to wander freely staring creepily at everybody. Zola died in the war. And Wonder Woman now spends her time smelling Zeke's nappy to remember that time when she almost had a baby of her own, fulfilling all of her dreams! Although I don't get why everybody is sad about the "death" of Zeke! He didn't die and he was never really a baby! He was just Zeus doing some weird new pervo action! "Hmm," wondered Zeus as he banged his thingy into Zola's thingy over and over (unless it only takes one over to be over!), "Coming in this vagina feels awesome! I wonder what coming out of it would feel like?!" Gross!

Wonder Woman #51

What is it with Wonder Woman posing with allegorical penises on the cover of her comic books lately?

The Review!
Zola dies at the end of this issue. That's not a spoiler because I don't know if she's really dead or not. Plus I don't think anybody needs to read the rest of this issue only to eventually get to that revelation. The story spends a lot of time reminding the reader that Wonder Woman loves too well and that parents can sometimes fuck up their children. But none of that matters because everything that gets Wonder Woman to contemplate love and children and parents was a lie. By the end, Wonder Woman can forget all of the philosophical bullshit she's been contemplating since she met Hecate because Hecate turned out to be an evil liar. Although maybe it's still pertinent to the theme since Hecate was supposedly working for Gaia and thus is an allegory for how mothers manipulate their children. Fucking mothers! What jerks! Meredith Finch sure nailed that one in a totally not sexist way at all! It's also possible I'm projecting my own childhood onto the story at this point. Anyway, Wonder Woman learns that maybe she shouldn't trust people she doesn't know and has no reason to trust instead of not trusting the people she loves and trusts. I think there was some lesson about monsters being the most human of us all as well but it was so trite that I barely noticed it. This continues to be a pretty sexist comic book about the greatest feminist icon in comic books. What the fuck is DC thinking?! Just go read The Legends of Wonder Woman instead if you care about Wonder Woman at all.

The Commentary!
Wonder Woman is currently on a quest to save Zeus. Why she wants to save the symbol of the patriarchy, I don't know. No, wait, I do know! It's because he's currently a cute little toddler which is the one form he's ever chosen in which Wonder Woman is pretty sure he can't rape. Plus he's so cute and googly and drooly! To save the Patriarchy, Wonder Woman must help the Matriarchy. So she's on a quest to rescue all of Gaia's children. Apparently Meredith Finch decided the greatest role of Wonder Woman's life would be as an au pair to the Olympians.

Wonder Woman is currently in Tartarus to free the Hecatonchires when she remembers the last time she visited when Slade freed Iapetus. Oh, sorry. She still remembers the titan being named "Lapetus." I guess Meredith has decided to stand in solidarity with her husband who completely fucked up the Titan's name in Douchéstork.

Wonder Woman doesn't mind freeing these monsters from their prison because she's learning that not all creatures who look like monsters truly are monsters! What a fucking revelation! Although she's now gone too far to the other side and seems to believe that all creatures that look like monsters aren't monsters. So I hope she's surprised when she finds out the Hecatonchires are just super grabby assholes.

Wonder Woman continues to insist on thinking of Zeke as somebody separate from Zeus. That's mostly so she can keep up the theme of children being damaged by the conflict between their mothers and fathers. But since Zeke is also Zeus, it seems a bit of a stretch to keep thinking of him as being hurt by Zeus.

Wonder Woman runs into Zombie Zola and Dead Baby Zeke in Tartarus because it likes to torture people. Tartar must mean torture because tartar sauce is disgusting.

Zombie Zola accuses Wonder Woman of killing Zeke because Wonder Woman didn't save Zeke fast enough. That's a tried and true philosophy in DC Comics! If somebody failed to save somebody else, it's always the fault of the failed savior and not the person who actually caused the problem in the first place. So good job, Tartarus! You're just like every other jerk in The New 52 stemming back to that cop in Gail Simone's Batgirl #1 who pointed her pistol at Batgirl instead of the bad guy and blamed her for the death of some other person. I don't remember all the details! And I can't go back to remind myself because I took a black Sharpie and blacked out the offending panel.

Wonder Woman remembers being teased and called Clay by the other Amazonian girls. Dang Hippolyta and her lies! Diana suffered because of her mother's actions! Ew! I'm so angry at parents right now! They ruin everything! Except for those parents holding up their toddler at an outdoor concert which everybody on Tumblr tagged as "Parenting. You're doing it right." I guess those were good parents and they weren't harming their child at all by turning it into an accessory.

Diana runs into Superman next and remembers how she's always wanted to be a mother! Of course! What woman doesn't constantly yearn for motherhood! Even Wonder Woman can't escape the call of her uterus!

I can't stand stories or articles or people who cannot believe that some people simply do not want children. There's too much projection going on in society. Just because you couldn't imagine a world without your precious shitty bundle of noise, it doesn't mean everybody else would feel the same way about having one. I've never wanted a child for any reason ever. Got a reason for wanting a child? I don't have that reason. Got a reason for not wanting a child? Just add it to the list of mine. Don't fucking care. Some people think I have some kind of obligation to be a father. I admit, I'd be a great father. Probably. I mean, I'm the best uncle and although there's a vast chasm between those two jobs, I'm fairly confident that if I had accidentally become a father at some point, I would have done the job well. But being fairly responsible in my choices, it has never happened (almost once! But, thank Jesus, he took care of that problem on his own! Who needs doctors when Jesus provides the most spontaneous abortions of anybody ever?!). But even if I were a great father, the Non-Certified Spouse, who doesn't want children as much or more than me (I only say "more" in that I don't want them at all and she doesn't want them at all even more somehow. It's weird math and I don't have a calculator with the proper buttons to explain it correctly), would be a terrible mother. Just awful. I don't think she'd be offended by my saying she would just completely suck as a mother.

Next Hera runs into the Mother of Olympus because the theme! Remember the fucking theme!

This is really Hera. Really, really!

Characters in comic books constantly mistrust the people they've grown to love and trust as soon as some Iago whispers any fucking thing in their ear. Everybody loves too well! Is this something people actually deal with on a constant basis? I'm guessing they do since Othello remains a popular story even though I read it and thought what I think every time I read the same ploy in a DC Comic book, "Why the fuck is the protagonist believing somebody they barely know over somebody they completely trust?!" I think I'm too full of esteem to understand that this is a thing. What's really going on is the bad person tugs at a string of self-doubt already inherent in the hero and carefully pulls it until everything unravels. So Wonder Woman already mistrusts the Olympians so when a stranger tells her somebody she loves is in danger from the Olympians, she decides to fuck everything up. Another option would have been asking the people she trusted if any of it was true. But, of course, she had to save Zeke in secret for plot reasons.

Anyway, now Wonder Woman knows she was set up by Hecate! Hecate is in for it now!

Is Batman as afraid of Wonder Woman as he is of Superman? Because Superman can destroy the Earth if he's possessed or magically controlled or given Joker Venom or infected by the Doomsday virus or mind-controlled. But Wonder Woman simply needs to have her emotions manipulated and WHAMMO! She's turned against everybody! That statement may be sexist but it's not my sexism. That sexism is courtesy of Meredith Finch and this story of hers!

Wonder Woman and Hera escape from Tartarus but find it was too late! While they were gone, Hecate escaped with Hera's "orbs", Zola has died, and Zeke is missing! Whoops!

Wonder Woman #50

I like how David Finch snuck naked female breasts onto Ares!

Rating: Meredith Finch often tries to get too philosophical for my tastes and she doesn't back off on that tact this issue. She even packs the back end with a story about fate and choices and destiny which really could have just been replaced by eight pages of somebody masturbating. Philosophically, I'm not against philosophy. But in reality? When philosophers start philosophizing? I just want to cut my own throat. Philosophy is like crossing a street by traveling around the world to get to the other side from the other direction. What I mean is when a philosophical premise is brought up, you can see exactly where they're going to wind up in the first few seconds. But then the philosopher has to pad out the argument until they've spoken for five hours about how the point they were getting to is the only conclusion to be made. Then they throw out some Latin words to close the argument before waking you up and asking if they need to repeat themselves. What I'm trying to say is Wonder Woman #50 was actually a fairly readable comic book which doesn't quite live up to its pretensions.

At the end of the last issue, Wonder Woman was carted off, unconscious, by a walking dick with arms. She got into trouble trying to help cure Zeus of Crib Seizures. Normally Diana wouldn't give a shit about helping Zeus but he's currently in the guise of a toddler. He's so cute that when Diana looks at him, her vagina aches. The last issue was also full of allegorical references to the Patriarchy but I think they were all accidental. I bet every time David Finch asked Meredith to write a scene where Diana is in the shower, Meredith subconsciously got more and more angry. This subconscious anger came out in metaphorical representations of the patriarchy and how Diana is being kept down by it. Diana's entire mission is to take care of a baby. First she has to look to the Mother of All Mothers as an example. Then she has to swim up Hera's Fallopian Tubes to steal some of her eggs. Then she's knocked unconscious by a Cyclops which we all know is the least subtle of all mythological penis references. And being that this whole comic book is in a Greek setting, the whole Cyclops dragging an unconscious Wonder Woman back to its lair has to be a critique of the Greek System in our schools.

This issue begins with the Penis fingering Wonder Woman.

Typical guy! I'm fairly certain the clit isn't on the temple.

Wonder Woman wakes up to find herself in a dungeon full of huge Penises. But she's not afraid of them! They're also not being aggressive. And who could be afraid of a flaccid Penis? Wonder Woman even accepts a drink from one of them! I bet it's Pocari Sweat.

The Penises, or Cyclopes as some less accurate people might refer to them, offer to show Wonder Woman the way out of the secret passage she fell into. At least that's what she assumes they're going to do. Mostly they just stare at her and offer stuff to drink. On the way out, Hephaestus arrives to choke and beat the Cyclopes. Wonder Woman begins to feel sorry for them. But not sorry enough to actually try to understand why they find it uncomfortable to sit without their legs spread wide.

Wonder Woman watches the way Hephaestus treats the Cyclopes and wonders, "Was I so desperate to belong, to have a family, that I've ignored who and what the Olympians really are?" When the fuck did she do that?! She hasn't trusted these bastards without reason ever! At least not that I can remember. She sort of trusted a few of her siblings but even when she trusted a god like Hermes or Cupid or Hades, they eventually betrayed her for their own ends. And it's not like she was surprised! And the only reason she trusted Hera was because Hera lost all of her powers and was mortal for awhile! No way Hera would have been able to stay in Diana's flat in London if she'd still been a god!

Precum.

Diana learns the most cliche lesson to be learned! She learns that the creatures who look like monsters aren't monsters at all! The actual monsters are the people who look just like her! In...the Twilight Zone!

You know who must really hate that "whole monsters aren't defined by their looks" crap? People who look like monsters and act monstrous! Where's their uplifting lesson?!

I think somebody forgot to tell Johnny Desjardins to draw the wrap around Wonder Woman's torso carrying Hera's eggs! That's probably because the first page of the scene that Johnny draws was drawn by Finch (the drinking Penis juice scene) and he forgot the wrap in those panels.

Anyway, Wonder Woman can't free the Cyclopes but promises to set them free of their patriarchal chains after she saves Zeke.

This dialogue made me snicker.

Do you think anybody has yet told David Finch that it was "Iapetus" and not "Lapetus"?

The totally believable and trustworthy Hecate (who looks like a monster which must mean she isn't a monster. I think?) informs Wonder Woman that the Mother of Everything, Gaia, is behind Zeke's sickness! No! It can't be! That would mean the real problem is...the Matriarchy! GASP!

Why do superheroes default to threats of punching when discussions don't go their way? Can you imagine if this was how every conversation in a place of business went down?

Looking at Wonder Woman's crotch in the previous scan caused me to remember flipping the channel to Columbo earlier this evening. I heard a familiar voice and thought, "Oh hey! Roddy McDowall!" Then I looked up and was greeted to the tightest pair of pants I've ever seen Roddy McDowall wear. Apparently Cornelius's penis rests to the left nearly parallel with the ground.

Hecate informs Wonder Woman that to save Zeke, Diana must first save the children of Gaia: the Cyclopes, the Hecatonchires, and Typhoeus. Wonder Woman is all, "I can do that! Because I know that monsters aren't really monsters! The real monsters are men!" There's probably high-fiving at that point.

While Diana is saving Typhoeus, she encounters Ares. He's less the God of Drinking Whisky Barefoot and more Ares the Old Ares That We're All Used To In Preboot Wonder Woman Ares. And he wants to be Diana's enemy again! Mostly because he wants his God of Warhood back. But I think the only way to regain that is over Diana's dead body. So it probably won't happen.

I love all the bullshit philosophy to try to make war seem important. It isn't. Here's an idea! How about getting rid of the gods of Peace and War and setting up the gods of Compromise and Having A Bit of a Row?

Ares and Diana crash through the ice and fall into the lair of Typhoeus. Typhoeus is, of course, a giant Wyrm. I'm seeing a trend in Mother's children! They're all just a bunch of penises! And you know what you need when you have a lot of penises?! A lot of hands! That's where the Hecatonchires come in!

Diana rides off on the father of monsters in a completely non-sexually allegorical way, leaving her father figure in the past. In the next issue, she'll have to save the Hecatonchires. Until then, this fiftieth issue isn't quite over yet because DC needed to charge five dollars for it. I guess even with Johnny's help, David couldn't fill an extra-big book with his art in a single month.

The backup story is about how Donna Troy has low self-esteem and can't make a decision. It's a walk on slippery rocks. It's the talk on a cereal box. It's masturbating in your own face. Edie Brickell didn't describe philosophy in that way but I think she would have if she had time for another verse.

Wonder Woman #49

This is the least subtle comment on the patriarchy I've ever seen on a comic book cover.

So it turns out that I still have enough time in my super busy life of leveling up in Call of Duty and getting my ass kicked playing Blood Bowl to do a few long form comic book commentaries every now and then. I couldn't resist doing one on an issue of Wonder Woman actually drawn by David Finch because he isn't as good at art as all of the comic book fans ever think he is. Am I that naked kid in the Emperor's New Clothes? Wait. The kid was the naked one, right?

Um, basically I realize I'm eager to do at least one per week. The question is which comic book do I write about each week? Well, that's up to you, the people! I mean the smart people. Stupid people reading this don't get an opinion. Just send me a note in some way letting me know which comic book in each coming up batch you'd like me to eviscerate and the one with the most requests will get a proper write-up. Or improper write-up. You know, whatever the fuck it is I do in these things.

According to the cover of this issue, women should be taking care of babies while men (symbolized by the screaming penis behind her) rampage about the land, penis in the lead, destroying civilization. That seems about right. The difference between men and women isn't that women don't like sex as much as men do. The difference is that women have standards and won't fuck anything that comes near them with an erect phallus. Some nights they will! But those are dangerous nights because you fuck a guy who isn't used to being fucked and it's like feeding a stray cat. That pathetic loser will never leave your back door no matter how many times you squirt him with the hose. When a woman just wants a good fuck, why do you think she'd go for a guy who looks like he has no experience with vaginas? She's going after some guy who thinks he's using her for the night because he'll probably be good in bed and he'll definitely not bother her the next day when she just wants to get on with her life. The proverbial "nice" guy isn't sexually shunned because he's too nice (mostly because he usually isn't). It's because he obviously (even on the most shallow of levels) has nothing to offer a woman who craves a fucking orgasm. Nice guys do know that women aren't just looking to let a guy rut on them for ten seconds before making a stupid face and apologizing profusely, right? They want to be fucked! F-U-C-K-E-D! Brains melting inside their heads because they've got three fingers inside them, a thumb on the clit, and a tongue in their asshole. Teaching a guy to be good at sex is like training a monkey you don't want in your fucking house because it eats all of your food and won't get a job and makes you drive everywhere while never paying for gas because it blew all of its money on Monkey Magic the Gathering cards.

This is the part where I pretend I'm one of those guys who are really good at sex and not that monkey because I don't know anything about Magic the Gathering due to fucking so much. I don't tap mountains! I tap ass! Did that make anybody wet?

Because he's a lazy man!

Zeke is actually Zeus and everybody knows it but they're still treating him as if he's a fragile human toddler. If Zeus suddenly shakes like he's having a seizure (even as a baby), it's probably because he's having an orgasm. The only weird part is that he isn't raping somebody as a toddler. It's pretty much his only hobby. It's weird to think how many rape stories I read in elementary school because I was so interested in mythology. In the seventies, I don't think anybody cared what kind of books were in the elementary school library. Although I went to Haman the Satanic Elementary School, so I shouldn't be surprised that along with all of the The Wizard of Oz books and dozens of mythology books, I also checked out The Amityville Horror from it. Go Haman Satanic Eagles!

Hera believes that Zeke is sick because Mount Olympus is in chaos. It's in less chaos than it was while The First Born was loose but it's still in some chaos because the God of Peace has decided that Peace is bullshit and means nothing without war. So, yes, the God of Peace is desperate for no peace at all because she's cuckoo. Hera has no solution to save the baby but she knows somebody who probably does! No, not the God of Doctors (probably because he's a male and also he has really creepy feet)! Gaia, the Mother God of All Mothers! Who better to take care of a baby than the ultimate woman! See? Just like how I interpreted the cover!

Gaia's temple is deep within the earth because vaginas.

Gaia ignores Wonder Woman's prayers because Wonder Woman isn't offering anything in return. She's just all, "I've never acknowledged you ever in my entire existence but now I've heard that you can solve a problem I have so here I am praying to you!" And when Gaia doesn't answer her prayer, Wonder Woman begins to vandalize the temple by punching the statue of Gaia and chipping it. Is that how she thinks you ask for favors from gods?! You demand them and when your prayer isn't answered, you threaten and insult them?! Why does Gaia suddenly owe Wonder Woman anything? I don't hate a lot of people but I really hate people who believe their needs are so important that everybody should get on board with them or else they're dicks. Also, I actually hate a lot of people and that bit about how I don't was a lie.

Wonder Woman encounters Hecate which was one of my favorite Magic the Gathering cards.

Okay, it was actually Hecatomb and I was remembering the name wrong. Probably because I was having so much sex in the nineties and not attending Magic Tournaments at the Red Lion in San Jose at all.

Hecate offers to help Wonder Woman for a price. That's more like it! Why would anybody do anything for anybody else for free?! That's fucking nuts. Hecate wants a few of Hera's precious orbs she keeps in her scrying pool which is the weirdest way to describe eggs and ovaries I've ever heard. But Wonder Woman is all, "I won't steal them! I'll be rational about it!" And Hecate is all, "You can't be rational when dealing with the gods! Haven't you noticed Hera is married to a toddler and the Goddess of Peace is a war monger and you're the Goddess of War and you're just trying to hug everybody? None of it makes any fucking sense! Here, let me show you!" She then goes on  to show Wonder Woman a vision of Hera acting suspicious. Which, of course, Wonder Woman simply takes as a true vision! Why are heroes in comic books always willing to believe anything anybody tells them?! What a bunch of gullible hicks!

"I am not the Goddess of Lies! I'm the Goddess of other things that totally don't make me seem suspicious and evil like Witchcraft and Necromancy! I also look like a lizard and did you ever hear that I tried to kill your mother but only made Derinoe old and bitter? Or something like that. I mean, if you've heard that, it was obviously a lie and told by somebody with a total anti-necromancy agenda!"

What follows is a scene where Diana dives into Hera's scrying pool which is a long, wet tunnel and then harvests Hera's last three orbs. It's totally clinical and not as sexy as I was hoping it would be after realizing that Diana was going to have to explore Hera's secret sanctum.

After harvesting Hera's orbs, Diana discovers a secret staircase leading down into Olympus. That's where she's attacked by the giant penis man on the cover! He was probably attracted to the orbs! He knocks out Diana and hauls her off to do whatever angry giant penises do to unconscious women. I wouldn't know having never pledged a fraternity.

Wonder Woman #49 Rating: No change! Seriously, no change! That's not a recommendation though because that's no change in rank of a comic that's ranked 40 out of 52 DC Comics (or somewhere near enough to 52 for me to not give a shit about the exact number). David Finch's art was at the level that would cause people to look at it and think, "He's really good and probably doesn't screw shit up all the time!" But mostly that's because he only drew a couple of panels with men in them. He likes drawing women and spends a lot of time getting them right, especially when they're wearing almost no clothes the way Hera was. I did like how everything in this book was a metaphor for genitals and reproductive organs though. Except for Zeke. He's just a metaphor for out of control lust and rampant fucking. Which, now that I think about it, is what all toddlers are metaphors for!

Wonder Woman #46

Can somebody please teach Diana how to put on lipstick?

The last issue ended with Diana, Goddess of War, being attacked by Eirene, Goddess of Peace. Get it?! Peace and War don't get along! It's profound or something!

Eirene was hoping that Diana would kill Aegeus or Aegeus would kill Diana so that one of them would step up and completely assume the role of God of War. I guess that's the thing that would have happened had one of them been able to kill the other rather than trying to hug it out. I guess having a huggy God of War isn't fulfilling to the God of Peace because hugging is her job. Maybe Eirene just watched Unbreakable and identified a little too strongly with Mr. Glass. Now she's having an existential quandary because what does it mean to be the God of Peace if there is no God of War? Or if the God of War is, apparently, kinder than the God of Peace!

Zeke appears in the middle of Diana and Eirene's tiff because David Finch needed to prove that he can draw a child just as well as a fourteen year old female and a fish-mouthed male. Too bad he fails.

Um, Eirene? I think "without war" is the literal definition of peace.

Eirene doesn't see Zeke because Zeke is Zeus and Zeus can do whatever Zeus wants. Whatever Zeus comes in, stays in Vegas, is how I think the saying goes. Zeke is just there to heal Donna. Eirene is freaking out because Diana is better at peace than she is. She might also be freaking out that Diana has six fingers on her right hand.

I'm freaking out because Zeke just looks like a tiny metrosexual and not a child or a baby.

Diana scoops up Zeke because Diana is too thick to remember that Zeke is Zeus and that maybe Zeus is actively trying to fuck a stone corpse. Or heal it, probably? I mean, usually when he leaves Olympus, he's off to rape something. But he's just a baby right now, so I don't think he feels that physical need anymore. He might actually be a better version of himself if he keeps from ever reaching puberty.

Eirene decides to take Diana on a world tour of situations where people need murder and violence to make their lives better. Because of course no other option is available! At least not to unimaginable people who think that committing bigger violence than the next violence prone person is a solution to every problem. Eirene is all, "Look at these kids in sweatshops! They need war to save them!" And Diana is all, "No! They need hugs!" And Eirene is all, "I HATE YOU!"

I think Eirene's philosophy is "If everybody had wars, there would be no wars." Her other philosophy is "When war is outlawed, only criminals will have wars." Also have you ever noticed how war only breaks out in War-Free Zones?

Has anybody checked to make sure there are no gas leaks in the Finch household?

So Eirene's philosophy is that peace is just a smokescreen for evil men to take what they want without threat of violence against them? That's the Goddess of Peace's view of her own domain?! I think she's right that Wonder Woman doesn't have what it takes to be the God of War but I also think she has less to give as the God of Peace! This woman is nuts.

Eirene can't believe that her hallucinatory vision of a future without war doesn't sway Diana to her side! How can showing Diana something so powerful and not real at all not convince her that the world needs war?! Maybe Eirene will just have to show her more fake visions of a fake future without war! That'll show her!

Eirene's idea of peace is simple. The only way people can apparently make the world a better place is to keep battling against the people trying to make the world a worse place. And the only kind of "battling" that matters to Eirene is violence. Her peace is the peace of violence threatened. And that's no kind of peace. She's an asshole and an idiot. If she wants violence so badly then I hope Wonder Woman punches her in the vagina.



Diana cries tears of blood and Eirene realizes that Diana is killing herself by not helping flood the world with wars. Or at least that's the conclusion she jumps to. I have to assume that it's the correct conclusion though because most comic book characters never make a leap of logic that is ever wrong. They always put together all the clues to come up with what's actually happening even if all the clues point to nothing in particular.

Eirene apparently gets tired of trying to convince Diana that she should embrace being the God of War and decides to kill Diana herself. I don't know why that's suddenly an option. I guess because there was too much talking during the first half of the comic book.

Zola and Hera show up to retrieve Zeke while Diana and Eirene punch each other. They try to take Zeke back to Olympus but he won't let them until he fucks the statue of Donna. Or heals it. It's probably one of those two things.

Eventually Diana decides to stop punching because it's time for talking and hugging.

I know, right? Didn't I just say this in my last commentary?!

When Zeke touches Donna in a special way, Ares and Apollo are reborn out of thin air. I knew he was going to fuck her! As a special bonus, Donna Troy is now Fate! It was all part of Zeus's plan! That Zeke, I tell you what! He runs circles around Harvest when it comes to creating horribly implausible plans! A true master!

And I guess now that Ares is back, Wonder Woman can stop worrying about stopping war. Now she can just let wars happen while wiping her brow and thinking, "Whew! At least I'm not to blame for them!"

Wonder Woman #46 Rating: No change. If you're totally into philosophical answers that are all "Balance in all things!" and "This can't exist without that because definitions!" then this is the comic book for your stupid fucking sorry ass! Enjoy!

Wonder Woman #45

What's with the diamond shaped negative space in Wonder Woman's crotch region? Is that supposed to symbolize something?

I gave mild praise to the last two issues of Wonder Woman because they weren't completely awful and they felt like maybe they were moving Donna's character in the right direction. But all of my goodwill (which is hard earned and should not be taken so lightly, Meredith. When I hate, I hate for life!) has been casually tossed like a salad on the first page! And I wasn't expecting it so I jumped right in thinking, "Okay! Time for some Wonder Woman. It probably won't be too tough to deal with if I can ignore David Finch's fish mouths which he loves to stick on male characters. And it should be a quick read because it will probably contain two or three double splash pages. I also won't be distracted too much by the inevitable shower scene because I think I've masturbated enough times today. I guess that's enough talking to myself before opening the comic book so maybe I should narrate my final actions and open up the comic book...". And that's when I was sucker punched right in the part of my brain that doesn't like having to read crappy dialogue.

Shut up shut up shut up!

This guy shot Wonder Woman with an arrow two issues ago. I think it's safe to assume she can punch him in the face after he says "Surprised?" Instead, she listens to him moan and whine and insult her for nearly thirty seconds (Yes. I timed myself reading his rant! And included the dramatic pauses and the occasional moan and wince of pain due to my ankles being crushed by debris). Strife shows uncharacteristic restraint in not immediately turning him into a blood stain. She simply suggests he deserves a spanking. But Diana is against adults beating up on children and threatening them with physical harm to keep them in line. She'd probably rather kneel down, look him directly in the eye, tell him what he did was wrong, and then hug him.

The next page is the first of who knows how many boring double splash pages. Because Aegus punching Wonder Woman in the face and shouting isn't something that could have fit in a half-page panel (or smaller even).

Wonder Woman deserved to get punched for not shutting him up earlier.

After Aegus punches a woman in the face, he flexes and says, "Does this look like 'just a boy' to you?!" Wonder Woman does not answer, "No, it looks like the douchiest douche in doucheville." Probably because that's a weak retort. My go-to comeback would have been, "No, you look like just a boy!" But that wouldn't make any sense so I had to go with "You're the Xiest X in Xville." Wonder Woman decides to ask him if he needs a hug because he seems like he's in a lot of pain. I bet he tells her she's about to be in a lot of pain!

This kid has a lot to learn. Everybody in the DC You suffers from Daddy Issues but they don't admit to it immediately.

Luckily, as he beats the shit out of a woman, Aegus opens up about how his father abused him and his mother. Now Wonder Woman can give him the standard speech about not being to blame for what happened to him and how he can change the cycle by making different choices and all the other After School Special crap that's been said five million times already. It's also nice that she gives her "you didn't deserve the abuse" speech while crawling before him in a pool of her own blood while weeping bloody tears. I'm glad pictures are worth 1000 words because I'd hate to have to read the 1000 hateful and misogynistic words that make up this picture.

I know Strife doesn't like Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman did ask Strife to let her handle this, but it seems strange that Strife would just let this intruder beat on Wonder Woman for four pages before intervening. Maybe it took her that long to grow into a giant in preparation for the next double page splash (although this one has a few inset panels so it can pretend to be something different).

At least some characters full of macho bravado can admit when they're beaten. I'm looking at you, Powerless Superman.

But being that this is a comic book and the only dramatic tension most writers know is dangling the answers to questions just out of the reader's reach, Aegus says "It was..." and then disappears. Noooo! But I so wanted to know that it was Poseidon! I mean I wanted Strife to know that it was Poseidon since the reader already knows that it's Poseidon. Hmm, I think Meredith has this comic book convention backwards.

Meanwhile in London, I finally learn the name of Donna Troy's new urchin friend: Violet! So it's not Terry Long's daughter. But it might be Halo! They have a fun tour of London that's totes brill. But then Violet ditches her and leaves her bag of dead rats for Donna to deal with.

Aegus reappears in his basement by his smoking swimming pool to be chastised by the person who isn't Poseidon who sent Aegus to kill Wonder Woman. She's angry that Wonder Woman did something to her "dearest love." So it must be a lover of Ares or Apollo, right? Who else did Wonder Woman get killed recently? I doubt it's Ares because that would mean the female God was Aphrodite. But she doesn't wear clothing and she never shows her face. So this must be one of Apollo's dozens of lovers. It could be practically anybody so I'll just randomly guess that it's Hecate even though she isn't green with spikes around her brow and she doesn't have a big lizard tail. Hmm. Maybe it is Aphrodite. She is in London where it's chilly, so she'd probably be wearing clothes.

Back in London, Donna Troy easily finds Violet again because fuck you.

If you want to read a comic book where women are constantly being beaten or groped by men, Wonder Woman is the comic book for you!

This guy Link hates it when Donna Troy kicks his ass while he was in the middle of kicking Violet's ass. But this time, he's got a gun! And Donna Troy doesn't have bracelets!

This guy must be Plastic Man!

Violet hits her head on the hearth when Link throws her to the ground and begins bleeding all over the place. That probably means Donna Troy is going to kill somebody. And she tries except Wonder Woman finally finds her! And she didn't need the help of The Fates after all! All she had to do was wait until Donna Troy's friend was killed so that Diana could try to stop Donna from killing Violet's murderer which would allow for Donna and Diana to fight! Too bad Diana didn't think of that earlier.

Donna learns the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson but comes to a different conclusion than the other idiots who have learned that lesson before her. Donna learns that she should kill people like The Joker when she has the chance or else every death The Joker causes afterward is on her hands. I can't say I disagree with that conclusion! But I can disagree with the subsequent conclusion Donna makes that it's all Wonder Woman's fault. She has to come to that conclusion so that she can keep fighting Diana though. Comic books, you know?

Aegus appears on the scene because everybody seems to know how to find anybody at this point in the comic book. I guess all the searching stuff is just getting in the way of the plot. It's better when characters can find other characters instantly. All that detective work to figure out who did what or where they might be? That's Batman crap.

Anyway, Aegus puts an arrow through Donna Troy's heart and turns her to stone. I guess that's what happens when Clay People die? But guess what? He didn't do it because he was trying to hurt Diana! No! He's had a change of heart!

See? All it takes to help a victim of abuse is a one paragraph explanation about how they aren't to blame and they didn't deserve what happened to them!

Oh! Time for the reveal of the evil villain! And it's...Eirene? The Goddess of Peace? Um. Okay. I guess she's mad at Diana because...um...uh...fuck it. I don't know. She should be going after Deathstroke since he broke her mother, Iapetus's spear!

Wonder Woman #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you like stories where characters change their motivations constantly and for nearly no reason, stories where women are brutally beaten and killed, stories where characters constantly explicate their every action so the reader understands what the fuck is going on, or stories where the ultimate enemy is peace, then this is the comic book for you, you dumb bozo!

Wonder Woman #44

According to this cover blurb, Wonder Woman is evil.

The first thing I noticed about this cover is that David Finch is back. I can't say I'm entirely disappointed because when he was missing from last issue, the quality of the comic actually improved. And I'd rather do commentary on comic books in which I can find many, many faults. I like to feel superior by pointing out problems. I do not like to feel inferior by quality stories which cause me to think that I might be the worst writer on the planet. Not that every editor I've ever worked with hasn't already tried to make me feel that way. Not to mention all of the publishers who refuse to publish five page novels no matter how many they receive from you. And I shouldn't forget all of my friends and family who try not to look me in the eye when they see me with my Pee Chee folder and then all suddenly have to be somewhere else or are suddenly too blind to read or too deaf to listen. If only all of those things were different, everybody would realize how great a Writer I am!

When we last saw Wonder Woman, she had been shot in the shoulder by a magic arrow just after putting wax lips in her mouth.

Wonder Woman rocks the "Fuck Me Now" look while dying (and wearing wax lips).

Wonder Woman's cliffhanger is over by the second page where it turns out the arrow in the shoulder wasn't as big a deal as it seemed. She's also suddenly in the alley with an old woman as opposed to a young woman so I think we know the identity of the street urchin from last issue, don't we? She's the real Fate! Duh. The women in the Growler/Knitting Shop were all pretty much the same age anyway. No way they could have been the Fates. Plus they all had boob jobs which is probably not something they'd bother with. Because that's like changing your destiny and why would they encourage people to steal their job?

Wonder Woman pulls the arrow out of her shoulder and throws it into the ground where it disappears into a vortex or a portal or maybe just a glowing puddle. Now whoever is on the other side of that puddle has Wonder Woman's blood! That means they can, um, clone her? What can you do with somebody's blood besides drink it or smear it across you testicles in preparation for a fertility dance?

After the Wonder Woman pages, there's a page that takes place six months earlier about Aegeus's life falling apart. It's hastily drawn with little care because David Finch couldn't be bothered with a page that didn't spotlight Wonder Woman's bosom.

Aegeus just wants the day to be over so he heads home to play an illegal copy of Arkham Knight on his PS4. It must be illegal because it wasn't even out six months ago. But he can't play the unreleased game because he finds he's locked out of his apartment. And he loses his job which wasn't a great job anyway since it was selling stolen credit card numbers to other thieves. But his life going to crap is just the impetus he needs to finally believe his mother's dying words that he's got the blood of the gods flowing in his main vein.

I guess the reader can now sympathize with Aegeus because we see that he's not really a bad credit card thief at all. He's just being manipulated by fate (and by "fate," I actually mean "Strife") into a position which will eventually pit him against Wonder Woman. I hope Diana realizes it and hugs him really hard to save the day.

Remember how many times I've mentioned that David Finch is probably constantly bugging his wife to write Wonder Woman shower scenes? Remember how not having David Finch around led to Meredith's best issue of her run? Remember how David Finch is back drawing this issue? Remember all of that?

Shower time!

After her shower (which, surprisingly, wasn't a two page splash), Hera appears in the mirror to talk to Diana. She says, "Remember when you were once told that only blood could kill blood? You know, about how the gods could die? Remember that? Forget it! The only reason you were able to kill Ares is because the Fates got old and got breast implants and had to get a second job filling growlers in London. It made the gods less immortal (which is, technically, mortal)! And now that the Fates are dead, all of the gods of Olympus are just humans with delusions of grandeur! Unless they're on Olympus where they get to still be immortal for very complex and mythological reasons." Wonder Woman responds by taking off her bathrobe and rubbing herself. No wait! That's how she was fated to be drawn by David Finch but since the Fates have died, she just acts like a normal person and not Fan Service Eye Candy. Well, at least not totally like eye candy.

The arrow from earlier didn't just disappear in a puddle. Hera brought it to Olympus so Hephaestus could examine it. Unless she brought it to Olympus so she could use it to kill Wonder Woman but Hephaestus just happened to walk in the room as she plucked it out of thin air and he said, "What's that?!" And then Hera made up the thing about giving it to Hephaestus on purpose.

What kind of idiot savant can forge an arrow this complex but doesn't know the meaning of simple words?! Why would he have to define "God Killer" for that person? Besides, the killer forged a weapon capable of killing gods so I think the person knows the meaning of the term.

I would have named my God Killer sword "Postmodernism."

Meanwhile Donna Troy is walking around London in her Amazonian Clay Girl Threads and everybody is calling her names because everybody that isn't a main character in a comic book is either a xenophobe or a boring normal person that has no appreciation for all of the unique snowflakes who aren't actually as unique as they'd like to think.

That's not a selfie, asshole. That's called a picture.

Donna Troy happens upon the girl Wonder Woman met last issue. She's being beaten by a man so Donna Troy rushes in to save her. She easily defeats the guy because he's just a punk who wasn't magically born out of clay to be a great fighter.

Judging by his face, he may be suffering from some genetic defects.

After saving the girl, Donna Troy walks out in front of a bus because she was magically born out of clay to not have any peripheral vision. But the unnamed girl rescues her and they become fast friends. Probably. Maybe she'll become Donna Troy's sidekick. Maybe she's Terry Long's daughter, Jennifer! I bet that's why she's been so mysterious. As soon as she gives her name, everybody will know that Donna is about to meet her future creepy husband!

Okay. Stop it. Fuck you. We get enough of this bullshit from Starfire. I am not going to believe that Donna Troy has no problem with speaking English and suddenly doesn't fucking know what a park is.

The unnamed girl takes Donna back to her underground lair where she just happens to have an outfit with great boots in Donna's size. As least the new look doesn't have a giant "V" to indicate where her vagina goes.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Strife and Diana have an inane conversation that goes nowhere. Also Diana speaks about Pegasus as if it's a species and not a unique creature whom she killed a year or two ago in Batwoman. I get that Dungeons and Dragons have turned Pegasus into just another wandering monster to be encountered but this isn't a Dungeons and Dragons comic book. This is a serious comic book about an Amazon living in London who is also the God of War. I expect it to be fact checked and well researched, dammit.

It's like Aegeus crashed through the ceiling directly from a 90s comic book!

Wonder Woman #44 Rating: No change. This comic book has stopped being completely horrible. That's about the only positive thing I can say about it. Meredith is trying to redeem Donna Troy which is good because she never should have been created simply to need redeeming in the first place. I'm still having trouble figuring out why people love David Finch's art so much. I won't deny he's spectacular when he cares about the thing he's drawing (which means a young woman who is probably naked). But his men are the worst. They look like the fish faced residents of Innsmouth. Also, who's the new girl? Is she just Donna Troy's Zola? Are we simply going to get a revision of Azzarello's Wonder Woman but with Donna Troy and the unnamed urchin (who is--cross my fingers--Jennifer Long!)? I currently don't think this comic book is awful but I don't really have any reason to recommend it. Read at your own risk, I guess.

Wonder Woman #43

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why is there only one "Finch" on the cover?!

So it turns out David Finch didn't draw this issue! How is that going to affect the story? Will Meredith Finch write better when her husband isn't constantly nagging her to slip in two double page splash pages and a scene where Superman catches Diana masturbating?! Will Meredith Finch actually begin to write some complexity into Diana's character without Dave standing around yelling shit like, "Make sure you have Diana beat up an obviously sexist pig so everybody knows she's a feminist! Oh! And how about introducing Baby Rabies into her personality this issue? Women suffer through that shit at her age, right?!" I don't know why I have this intuition backed up by years of evidence that David Finch, even though he's not writing, is the main problem with the current version of Wonder Woman.

It's not really an intuition if it's based on evidence but since most people would rather think their beliefs and conclusions spring magically from thin air than realize that "intuition" is just putting together perception and evidence to predict the most likely future outcome, who am I to think otherwise? How arrogant would that be to believe that my brain puts information together to form a coherent and predictable model of the reality surrounding me? How dare I pooh-pooh mysticism and magic and religion and intuition and psychic powers?! People who rely on science and evidence are such condescending bastards!

You know what I'm sick of seeing posted to Facebook? "It's better to be kind than intelligent." Fuck you assholes and your passive aggressive bullshit. The two aren't mutually exclusive! I mean, I'm a bad example because I'm a huge asshole and a genius! But it's insulting to suggest that if somebody is intelligent then they're mean, or vice versa. Are people saying that all of their kind friends are morons? It's a bit like the old stupid person adage about how smart people lack common sense. Dumbies are always trying to make themselves feel better. Look, just because I will openly state, "There is no God," does not mean I'm being mean. Y'all constantly praise God right in my face. So aren't I allowed to express myself as well? I guess it is a bit mean to point out that my lack of belief is based on evidence and a well-informed opinion and your opinion is simply based on clinging to your desire that your ego will somehow exist for eternity. But those are just facts! Not accepting facts doesn't make facts not true! Look, I want my ego to exist forever too! Who wants to die?! But we must die because the only way for a species to grow and evolve is for continued iterations of two differently-sexed parents combining their DNA into new possibilities. Eventually, maybe, somehow, human beings will figure out the key to immortality. But as soon as that happens, say goodbye to evolution and hello to sterilization! You better hope when that leap is made, human beings are comfortable with everything about the way their bodies and minds work.

Oh, hey! What was all that? Who typed all that stuff? It wasn't me! Gosh darn that jerk who just typed all that stuff on my laptop which wasn't me at all and somebody else who you're probably angry at now! I hope God curses their grandkids! I mean, I'd love it if God would curse that person specifically but if you're familiar with The Bible, you know God has a problem punishing the correct people. I should probably just read Wonder Woman now before I point out how reading The Bible is probably the best way to stop believing in The Bible. No wonder the church fought so hard to keep it from being printed in a language the masses could read and why they still continue to try to interpret it for their flock. When people claim it's a book of instructions for life, I wonder if they even know what instructions are.

The problem might lie with the spacing of those bars.

So far, I like the new art and all the detail but it looks like these women have been sucking on lemons all morning. Can Ian draw mouths that aren't puckered up duck faces?

Strife appears eating a gigantic bag of popcorn leading to Wonder Woman asking the stupidest question she could think of.

Diana. Her name is Strife and she hates you. Figure it out.

Wonder Woman was just being polite and giving Strife a chance to show she has a big old pair of ovaries but instead Strife chickens out and pretends she had nothing to do with Donna's disappearance. Wonder Woman responds with some smug response that allows her to smirk as if she just laid a verbal smackdown on Strife. She didn't though. It could have been better. I give it a four out of ten. But now the hunt is on to find Donna before she meets and marries Terry Long.

Hera's pool doesn't work for finding people made out of clay so Wonder Woman pays a visit to her brother, Wesley Willis. I'm glad Meredith didn't forget that he's a character in this comic book series!

I think Meredith could have done a bit more research on his way of talking though! I would have said, "Diana. You are a very nice sister. I will help you to see. I will go on a hellride for you. You are the nicest sister in the world. You are so nice you would bring me McDonald's." Also, Diana would have shown up with McDonald's.

Whenever Milan shows up, I have to mention that I once met Wesley Willis at a concert in Portland. He sang a song he was working on at the time called, "My Roommate Fucked Me In The Ass." He was a brilliant musician.

Milan's clues lead Wonder Woman back to London and to a place called "A Twist of Fate." You'd think the Fates wouldn't set shop in a place with a name so on the nose. I'd imagine they'd be working at Michael's.

Donna surprises the Fates in their shop where they weave threads and fill growlers.

I guess in this version, you can only tell who's youngest by her breasts.

The Fates don't have Donna's thread so she can't die by their hands. She leaves while some other mysterious presence visits the Fates next and murders them. Diana stumbles upon the scene before the cutter of threads dies and burbles out some ambiguous rhymes that leaves Diana thinking that Donna murdered them. I've said this before and I'll say it again because I'm constantly writing about comic books but when you're saying your last words to somebody, try to be clear and concise! Your vagueness and ambiguity only leads to trouble!

As Wonder Woman exits the shop, she meets a street urchin who would make a better Wonder Girl than that awful Cassie over in Teen Titans! Before Diana can learn her name and give her an outfit, Aegeus and his flying horse (that isn't Pegasus because Pegasus is dead) attack. But he's no better at shooting arrows now than he was last issue.

Eww! That's kind of creepy if she means Aegeus was still breastfeeding at fourteen. I must be parsing this statement incorrectly!

Aegeus eventually gets a lucky shot when Diana thinks he's down for the count and hits her in the shoulder with one of his magic arrows. It causes Diana to bleed from her eyes and, once more, mention how Aegeus won't escape so easily as he easily escapes. Diana collapses in a heap of blood so that she can wake up being cared for in the street urchin's cardboard box next issue.

Wonder Woman #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than previous issues. I'm going to assume it's because David Finch wasn't a part of it. It's probably just my intuition and not evidence-based at all that I believe Meredith Finch writes better when her husband isn't standing over her shoulder asking for more scenes where he can showcase Wonder Woman's boobs. This feels a bit derivative of Azzarello's run but that's a good thing. I don't mind if Wonder Woman is mostly caught up in the lives of the gods and the other Amazons in her own book. She can save the world over in Justice League. I just want to see her helping other people because it's the right thing to do. I have a feeling she's going to wind up hugging Aegeus and stroking his head and telling him he's well-loved. Then he'll weep and renounce being a dick and become a minor character in this comic book. And maybe his Pegasus is actually Pegasus returned. I said back when he died that he had a strong chance of coming back quickly since young girls and boys love winged horses. Pegasus can't die with all of that junior high school worship taking place. Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic about the direction of this book right now. I would love to have a well-written Wonder Woman in a comic book I'm buying. I have no idea how things are going over in Sensation Comics since I don't pick that up, what with it not having been a New 52 book and all that jazz.