Action Comics #974

I have the "Can you spot the hidden Batmobile?" variant cover by Gary Frank.

Superwoman Lana Lang is currently dying. Superman realizes that no doctor on Earth can help her because Earth doctors suck so much. It's like he was rocketed into the fucking stone age! Stupid fucking Earth doctors. But Superman knows how he can save her! He's taking her to the Fortress of Solitude because it's her only hope.

Now wait a Goddamned second, Superman! You have the technology to save people who Earth doctors can't save and you're keeping it just for your friends and family? Shouldn't you be giving away this technology for free?! I'm probably jumping to conclusions. I'm sure Lana's only hope isn't that Superman has a machine that can cure any mortal illness. It's probably just a machine that can cure people dying of having too much super power. So, you know, it wouldn't work on normies anyway. Wink, wink. I mean, I just had something in my eye and wasn't winking at all to make sure you understood that Superman just doesn't want to help regular Earthlings.

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Lois Smith has turned Clark Kent's stalking around on him. So now she's stalking him stalking her. Eventually Lois got tired of walking around the block over and over and over again. So she accepted a dinner date with Clark Kent so she could do some undercover investigations of him. Hopefully literally under the covers, amirite?! It's not cheating if the person is a doppelgänger from another world. Also not cheating: having sex with your own doppelgänger from another world!

Here's my theory explaining the mystery Clark Kent: he's a robot that was built in the eighties and doesn't have any ports to update his memory files, so he's permanently stuck in 1986. No wait. That's my theory explaining Dan Jurgens!

While Clark Kent and Lois Smith check into a seedy motel, Superman decides Lana Lang can be saved by sticking her inside Kryptonian Battle Armor. Is that where he recovered from his battle with Doomsday? Or was he just comatose in a coffin? I might be able to remember it if The Death of Superman hadn't been thirty years ago. And also if I had read it.

Superman is alerted to intruders at the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude but he ignores it. It has automated defenses and it's not like anybody has ever broken in before. At least no more than one or two people, anyway. Things should totally be safe. It's not like there's a history of somebody inside the Fortress being taken over by Blanque who forces them to release him? That was sarcastic. Also, it's happening again!

Back in Metropolis, Clark Kent asks Lois Smith to marry him. When did he suddenly get the idea that Lois was interested in him? He's suddenly obsessed. Which means he's being controlled! Or maybe that photo album that he left at the door of the Smiths in Superman #18 (which I only read up until that point before I realized I should probably read this) was a photo album of Preboot Superman's wedding that fell through time and landed at this Clark Kent's feet. So he, obviously, believed it came from the future and that meant he and Lois were meant to have sex!

When Lois refuses to see things Clark's way, he goes from mild mannered nice guy to obsessed misogynist stalker. You know, just like all the guys who call themselves nice guys wind up doing.

Clark follows Lois back to her home in Hamilton County. She doesn't notice because Metropolis taxis go out to her farm all the time, probably. It's either that or she didn't notice and who the hell would think Lois Lane wouldn't notice being followed?! Not me! Standing outside the house, Clark Kent sees that Lois is married to a look-a-like and they have a kid together. He flips the fuck out and decides he's going to destroy them all. Because that's a thing nice guys do. Just research GamerGate! All those guys who constantly threatened women through all that? Almost assuredly think of themselves as nice guys. Apparently their definition of a not nice guy is an attractive guy with whom women want to have sex. A nice guy is a guy women don't want to have sex with because they're not attractive and they obsess over Magic the Gathering and they live with their parents and they show no outward sign of being responsible for their own lives or future. But they're nice! Up until you refuse to have sex with them, of course. But that's understandable, right?!

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not really enjoying Action Comics much at all. But it's going to hit Issue #1000 some day and I want to be around for that!

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Action Comics #972

Touching butts is extremely sexual to Kryptonians. And to Earthlings, really.

The Review!
Look, I'm fucking busy. Not busy in the way most people think when they hear the word busy. I'm not busy saving lives or doing work or prioritizing important issues in my life that would probably make me a happier person overall. No, I'm fucking busy fucking around. My days are full of leisure hours because I've decided leisure is better than stress. I endure just enough stress to support maximizing my leisure hours. And I don't just sit there thinking, "Christ. I'm fucking bored. Why do people live so long?" I mean, sometimes I do wonder why people live so long but mostly that's due to the constant erosion of our senses of wonder and our capacity for passion until we're just vapid hunks of intellect that can't be bothered to emote anymore. But mostly, I don't feel boredom because I pack so much time wasting into my leisure time! Even explaining this shit is intruding on all the time wasting I had planned! And since I have so much time wasting to get to, and because it's bugging the fuck out of me that I'm still reading these comic books that came out months ago instead of reading comics the week they come out, I'm going to try my best to stifle my digressive nature! I'm going to get right to the review of the comic book which I'm going to read before even writing the review instead of writing the review as I read it. Even now, I'm stifling the urge to digress about how I just pointed out how I was going to stifle my urge to digress!

Okay. I'm reading now! You just fucking wait until I'm finished. I am not going to interrupt my reading, no matter how many times Superman does something ill-conceived!

I'm not even going to make a pants shitting joke here!

I'm not done reading the comic book yet but I can't just stand by and not mention a stupid plot point. L'call and Zade are hunting Lex Luthor. Even when Superman defends Luthor, they say things like "Out of the way" and "You aren't our target." So presumably, they don't give a shit what happens to Superman. Later, Lex and Superman come up with a plan to evade Zade and L'call: split up! Their reasoning is that it will force Zade and L'call to split up. Wrong. It would just mean Zade and L'call get to hunt down Lex Luthor while Superman hides in a bush.

Of course comic books being what comic books are (generally poorly constructed plots by average writers who have to deal with editorial interference and tight monthly schedules which result in stories that constantly reuse old comic book plots, tropes, and clichés), Zade and L'call split up.

Of course it helps if you have super-cunning, super-speed, and super-agility.

What would have been cunning? L'call and Zade shrugging their shoulders over Lex and Superman splitting up and both just going after Lex!

Okay! So, what is this issue about and what does it attempt to do? Aside from the usual bits where Superman is shown to still be Superman even without his powers, or that other bit where an antagonist isn't killed by the protagonist so it causes the antagonist to completely rethink their entire belief system, it does a nice job reworking the relationship between Lex Luthor and Superman. It reframes New 52 Lex Luthor for the audience. Superman has never known this Lex to be a super-villain. And aside from Lex being in prison with a scar across his face in He Who Shall Not Be Named's run of Superman, DC hasn't given readers any proof that Lex is any more of a criminal than any other ethically challenged corporate CEO. In seeing how some aliens have already convicted Luthor for crimes they suspect he'll commit, Superman realizes how wrong is his assumption that Lex will inevitably do something terrible. So Lex and Superman bro-hug it out and decide to start over. Superman is no longer suspicious of Lex and Lex no longer has an anti-hard-on for super-powered aliens. We'll see how that eventually plays out, of course, but I like the idea of Rebirth starting out with a neutral relationship between Preboot Superman and New 52 Lex Luthor. This is actually doing right what The New 52 should have fucking done previously. Instead of that stupid fucking scar-faced Lex Luthor who was in the only prison that could hold him because Superman dared him to make a prison that he couldn't escape from. You-Know-Who wrote that stupid idea and then never followed up with the obvious reality of that idea: Lex Luthor would have built a prison that seemed like he couldn't get out of but he could leave any time he wanted.

Anyway, no change on the ranking or anything. Because even if I liked some aspects of this, I still hated the oft-used plot devices and the bit with Clark, after having met Jon, storm away thinking that Lois is lying to him (which she is! Surprise!) and the ending where the guy who saw Superman's future is all, "Oho! Superman is going to have a lot of shit to worry about so keep buying this comic, boys and girls!"

Action Comics #970

Guilty! The end.

• Superman has rushed through a portal to another world in order to save Lex Luthor. Hopefully this other world has a yellow sun and not a red sun or he's fucked. Superman really needs to be a lot more careful when he travels away from Earth. Batman is probably better prepared to travel to other worlds than Superman. Hell, Aquaman is probably better prepared!

• Superman is still considering L'call's words that Luthor should be killed based on his future crimes. Is this some kind of Last Temptation of Kal-el thing going on? "Just do nothing, Superman!" whispered the devil who wasn't actually the devil but maybe a snake or a small bird or something. "All your troubles will be laid to rest if you simply ignore one man's death!" And Superman is all, "Take this cup away from me! For I don't want to taste its poison! Feel it burn me, I have changed! I'm not as sure as when I started!" Then George Carlin appears in a phone booth and says, "The clock in Metropolis is always ticking!"

• Superman attempts to break Lex out of jail on L'call's planet because fuck all these people who don't follow the laws of the United States of America, the most democratic and free country to ever...shit. I can't fucking say that anymore, can I? I mean, not that I ever said it anyway since it's disingenuous to say the United States is more democratic and free than multiple other countries around the world that have always done those things so much better. But poor Superman! How is he going to fight for truth, justice, and the American way when the American way no longer includes truth and justice?!

Superman's point is a lot like the conservatives' argument in favor of Trump. Except instead of "these premonitions of yours don't count," they're screaming, "Facts of what Trump is doing don't count and evidence of his inadequacy hardly counts! It doesn't matter that a small piece of my soul dies every time I have to defend something stupid he says because you lost, loser! Also any invasion in the Middle East isn't proof that he's fascist. That's just being sensible."

• I could also be less hyperbolic and more receptive to the idea that the way Superman is treating this problem is absolutely the way conservatives think they're treating Trump. To them, he hasn't done anything horrible yet! How can people be criticizing him so harshly?! They're all paranoid and crazy! Of course to think that way, they need to be ignoring an awful lot of evidence that Trump is tearing apart the government with almost certainly unconstitutional executive orders while doing everything he can to stifle the judicial branch of our government. Yes, I agree that he has yet to invade Mexico, you super-debater. Yes, I agree he hasn't committed genocide. Yes, I agree he hasn't gotten the trains to run on time. But if the lack of transparency and the blatant power grabs and his choices of cabinet positions of people who are either against the department or don't know a thing about it don't cause you any kind of intellectual concern, you might want to begin expressing to the rest of us what you really find compelling about Trump. I mean, unless those reasons make you look like a terrible person.

• L'call decides that Superman needs to see what happened to his planet and why he must kill Lex Luthor who had nothing to do with the death of his planet. Guilty!

• L'call is all, "See? See how terrible Hitler was? I mean Darkseid! And he's dead now but Donald Trump...I mean Lex Luthor will be the next Hitler! I mean Darkseid!" And Superman is all, "I don't see it. You can't impeach him. I mean kill him." And Dan Jurgens is all, "This is a good analogy, no?!"

Oh! I stand corrected. The Daily Planet is investigating Geneticron's disappearance!

• Back on L'call's home planet, the trial is underway. No wait! It's over already. Everybody said guilty. Even Superman. I guess Lex has to die.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic took twenty pages to tell the same story I told in three words in the caption for the cover!

Action Comics #968

I think I accidentally got the gay porn parody of Action Comics.

We're entering a new age of anti-enlightenment so I think I need to get with the times. Sure, some people who have encountered my comic book commentaries probably already suspect I'm anti-enlightenment. I do make light of an awful lot of terrible things that nobody should ever be flippant about. But that's just because I'm more broken than the lot of them. They care so much that they can't stand to read facetious comments about terrible injustices. They still have a heart and are still capable of feeling things. Probably because they're all so young and passionate and still believe that the world can become a Utopian dream. But I'm old and bitter and don't give a shit about anything except my cat Judas which death took from me two years ago, leaving me bereft of any joy or hope. I'm a husk of a human being because forty-five years is apparently too long to live. Not that I want to be dead! Fuck no! I want to live until dementia kills my ego and understanding of actual death. Then I can die! I just mean after forty-five years, there's not much left to give a shit about that hasn't had the luster worn from it by the not-really-as-slow-as-I'd-like crawl of time. And you know what's hard to do when you don't give any shits about anything at all anymore? Critical reviews of pop culture! Apathy isn't exactly the best tool to bring to a discussion of popular entertainment! You need passion for the medium! You need a love of the characters! You need to care about fictional relationships and intense drama and twisting plots! You need to have an issue through which to perceive the stories being told to their current audience! But I have no issues! I'm a cipher!

I don't bring up my dark, cynical, uncaring bastardness to brag. I just thought it would show how I'm in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to writing about comic books. Some people are passionate about representation and can pick up any comic book on the shelves and discuss it through that lens. Some people care about feminism, or racism, or being an awkward teenage girl who can't get laid no matter how hard she tries because she's just on the other side of ugly. I might have cared about some of those things when I was younger. At this moment, my right foot is currently resting on a box full of college essays on those kinds of things. I wrote humorous essays in college too and, I suppose, those are the things that really stuck with me. I definitely got the most attention from professors for the funny stuff since they all seemed relieved that somebody in their class wasn't taking everything so fucking seriously. And, I guess, maybe that's my thing, right? Not caring. Not giving a shit. Embracing the farce of it all. Maybe it's really my time to shine because, historically, America is as close to a complete farce as it's ever been. I think maybe it's time to fire up my hate engine again. Especially because I remembered the following question from Anonymous and thought, "Hatred for my hobby was always a good angle, wasn't it?!"

Anonymous asked: Am I the only one who secretly wants you to hate almost everything you read? The reviews are normally more entertaining when you do, I find it to be true indeed.

Although what kind of an asshole ends a sentence with "I find it to be true indeed"? What a fucking dick.

Here's another piece of Anonymous mail I once received and my response:

Anonymous asked: You should consider Li'l Gotham for your backlog :)

You’re a backlog!

That elementary school response has brought me so much joy! Which is the most minuscule increment of joy that one can feel since I said that thing earlier about not feeling joy and I should probably continue to pretend, for at least this commentary, that I wasn't lying!

So I should probably get back to being extremely hateful! But not in the way Trumpland citizens are hateful! I mean in the way where I hate everything that is stupid and dumb and maybe not really poorly written but I'll make it seem that way anyway! My hate game is strong!

Before I get started, I want to clarify why I hate Donald Trump. It's because he's dumb. He's an idiot. He opens his mouth and nuggets of shit, not wisdom, dribble out. When people defend Trump, I can write them off as stupid as well because I think, "How do you not hear his stupidity in every word he says? In every Tweet he Twits? He's a goddamned moron." I've written off a lot of people in the last few months!

Here's Superman making an area unsafe and screaming at a nearby family to fuck off because they're in an unsafe place. What a dick.

Superman crashes into the helicopter of a pilot who gives Superman tours. Then Superman smashes Zade into a nearby trailer truck. The helicopter pilot says, "I am so fired." Why?! Why the fuck would you be responsible for Superman smashing up the heliport? Unless the pilot knows he's fired because he went against his boss's orders and didn't buy Superman Insurance. But who lives in Metropolis and doesn't buy Superman Insurance?! I bet Lex Luthor has made a killing on offering that shit! Mostly because he only pays out on a quarter of the claims. Superman Insurance doesn't pay out if the person Superman was battling smashes your shit. You have to read the fine print!

Although, really, the person who should have the insurance is Superman. If he were driving and he crashed into a helicopter and a truck and then another truck and then a building, Superman would be responsible for the damages! I suppose somebody could make a pretty good case that the alien is responsible but good luck getting him to pay up! The lawyers would go after Superman. If Superman paid for insurance that would guarantee innocent bystanders were compensated for damage and injury from his protecting the city, I'd complain less about Metropolis getting destroyed while Superman fights an alien whose only reason for being in Metropolis was to fight Superman.

See?! I knew I got the gay porn parody!

Superboy decides to get involved even though his father told him to stay put. If Superboy keeps acting this way, Clark and Lois are going to have to find him a Kryptonite babysitter. And I don't mean Metallo! I just mean, you know, a huge chunk of Kryptonite on a hand-truck that Lois wheels up from the lead-lined basement and into Jon's room. That should keep him put.

The editor, Mike Cotton, must edit this book while stoned. On one page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. Then on the next page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. You might see, by the similarity of my statements, how that was probably redundant. And it's redundancies like that which editors are supposed to be looking out for! Who edits the editors?!

Meanwhile, Lex is attacked by L'call the Godslayer and shits himself.

BRIPT is the sound effect of pants being shat in, right?

Lex Luthor shoots missiles at Godslayer but Godslayer teleports away to reappear behind Lex. But right before Godslayer teleports to dodge the missiles, he says, "Blasters. A 42-degree firing angle." I guess he's autistic and can't help calling out the angles of things because noticing the angle of the blasters means nothing when you're just teleporting out of the way.

Meanwhile Superman continues to fight Zade who introduces himself to Superman so that Superman won't forget him. Well, at least that means he's not going to kill Superman. That should allow Superman to relax.

Although this statement probably just made Clark's asshole repucker.

Just before Superman finds out what Zade's thing does, Superboy drives a truck into Zade. This defeats Zade because Superman apparently punches like a Kryptonian girl on a planet with a yellow sun. How is driving a truck into Zade more powerful than Superman punching Zade in the face? Superman punched Zade's arm earlier to make Zade let go of his throat and it didn't work. But a fucking semi-trailer truck smashes into him from the back and Zade is knocked out? I'm going to simply believe that Zade's ass is his Achilles Heel.

I didn't know (and still don't really know!) if it should be Achilles' Heel or Achilles Heel. I can see arguments for both so maybe it depends on usage. If the heel is actually the one that belongs to Achilles, then the apostrophe. But if it's just the phrase meaning a weakness that can lead to somebody's downfall, no apostrophe would be needed because the Achilles is just an adjective describing the kind of heel! The reason I mention this quandary is less about transparency and an exciting behind-the-scenes look at my writing but because when I was on the Wikipedia sight for Achilles' Heel, I checked out one of the past edits for "possible vandalism." Before reverting the article to its previous state, the "possibly" vandalized bit read this:

An '''Achilles' heel''' is a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall. While the mythological origin refers to a physical vulnerability, idiomatic references to other attributes or qualities that can lead to downfall are common. A large penis penetrated his heel killing him.

I don't know what the Wikipedia definition of "possibly" is but I think they're being overly cautious in its usage!

Superman leaves Zade without restraining him because he has never once really listened to any advice Batman has given him. Before he can stop Godslayer, Godslayer shows Superman an image of the future where Lex destroys an entire world. As if that's proof that Lex actually did it! I once drew a picture of me fucking my friend's mom and showed it to him and he rightly didn't believe I actually did it! And there's no way Superman is dumber than that friend of mine.

Superboy doesn't stay hidden well enough and Clark Kent catches a glimpse of him. I think he smells a Pulitzer! "Lois Lane Has Secret Bastard With Superman!"

I just remembered that there's already a Godslayer in the DC Universe! It's the knife that turned Barbara Ann Minerva into Cheetah! I wonder if they're related?

Superman gets stabbed in the shoulder and shot in the face before almost being beheaded. But Superboy stops Godslayer by whining "No! He's my dad!" while Clark Kent scribbles in his note pad and tries to hide his boner.

Godslayer and Zade scoop up Lex Luthor and teleport away to put Lex on trial for future crimes. If there were actually a way to tell future crimes, I'd want to be a Time Cop. Then anytime anybody made my life miserable, I would pretend to consult my Prediction Spheres before looking at them and saying, "Ah! A genocider!" Then I'd put them to death immediately and explain to all the witnesses that he might not be the only genocider in the area and maybe somebody wants to speak out against my actions, hunh?! Then when my Sergeant tries to reprimand me by saying there's no future evidence that the person I killed was a genocider, I'd be all, "Of course not! I killed them before they could become one! Why would the Prediction Spheres tell us old future news?! Duh!"

Clark notices Superman is upset about Lex's kidnapping and brings up the philosophical quandary about whether or not you'd kill Hitler as a baby to save millions of lives. Anybody who would do that is practically Hitler themselves! How could somebody kill a baby?! Especially when you'd have to live with the knowledge that you killed an innocent baby that never did anything to anybody (at least not yet). If it were up to me, I'd go back in time and give Hitler's mother an abortion!

Clark Kent votes for forgetting Lex was kidnapped and probably killed and to just go on with their lives and, by the way Superman, could you answer a question about that kid who says you're his dad?

The Review
No change. I guess this issue was better than the previous issue and definitely much more betterer than the issue before that! Next issue might be even better if it's just twenty pages of Clark Kent and Superman arguing the pros and cons of killing Baby Hitler and maybe how they'd go about it! At least Superman finally sees how this Clark Kent is different from him. He's a bloodthirsty maniac hungry for the blood of newborn babies! He also doesn't mind if Lex is killed for crimes he may never commit. I hope Clark Kent turns out to be a decently educated Bizarro.

Action Comics #966

Did Superman just get done fucking that cloud?

I'm not terribly excited about reading this issue because that header, "Lois Lane, Back at the Planet," doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Last issue was about that and it had no action in it at all. Maybe that's why Superman is trying to obfuscate the title.

I don't know if the issue begins with Superman throwing Superboy toward the house at hundreds of miles per hour or Lois Lane imagining that her husband thinks that's a good idea. The stupid kid got a concussion falling out of a tree! Should Superman really be throwing Jon at high velocity and hoping his kid doesn't smash into the ground? I'm just going to assume that this is Lois's fantasy and not something that really happened.

Earlier, Preboot Lois broke into Lois's apartment and she was caught by Superwoman. Not Lois Lane Superwoman since she's dead. She was caught by Lana Lang Superwoman.

No, she admitted she is her! Why doesn't anybody listen anymore?! Thanks, Trump!

Before Preboot Lois and Lana get into a super hot fight, Superman shows up to throw cold water on me. I mean them. That's when Superwoman drops her disguise and says, "Surprise! It's me! Clark's first handjob!"

After Lana's revelation that she and Lois Lane received super powers when New 52 Superman died, Preboot Lois logs into Lois's computer and instantly finds a video message from Lois to Preboot Lois. I would complain about how computers don't work like that but I should probably be thankful I didn't have to read two pages of Lois searching through Lois's laptop for pertinent information.

Jeez, Lois! Who said you had the right to reveal Lana Lang's secret identity?! First she nearly destroys Superman by blabbing his secret identity, and now she could have ruined Lana too!

The rest of the message will probably be, "Now that I'm dead, you should take over being me! And when you do that, try to stop mentioning that there was ever another Lois. Pretty soon, everybody will completely forget this dual Lois and Clark nonsense!"

Before Lois gets to the part where Preboot Lois should take over her identity so that nobody is sad, she decides to freak them out by implying that her sickness brought on by her superpowers might be a sickness that could kill anybody with superpowers! Great reporting, Lois! Could you at least wait until you have some evidence or solid sources before you freak everybody out! You probably just got Super-Cancer from inhaling the cremated remains of a Kryptonian. It's probably a lot like inhaling asbestos. Those Superman bits in your lungs are just going to lodge in there forever, and probably just get stronger and bigger the longer you stay in the sun.

How?! I thought Lana was supposed to be a super genius!

Preboot Lois Lane takes over for dead Lois Lane and everything is one step closer to forgetting The New 52 ever happened! Now if Superman can just take care of that extra Clark Kent, he can get back to working for the Daily Planet too! Then in a few years, everybody will be all, "The New Fifty What?"

There's an epilogue that features that guy whose roommate is a miniature Apokolips with Superman's symbol burned onto it. He summons a big beast of a man named Zade. I think they're intergalactic police and they're hunting Superman because he's a murderer. I don't know which Superman they're hunting though. Probably the Lex Luthor one. He seems like the most murdery of them all.

The Review!
If I'm just a reader and I'm completely sick of these stories that are simply packing away any evidence of The New 52, imagine how tired the writers must be! This shit is boring. Dan Jurgens just had to expand the editorial mandate "Put Preboot Lois back at the Daily Planet" into forty pages! I suppose Dan Jurgens could have had fun with it and made some crazy, whimsical, nonsense story reminiscent of Action Comics in the sixties. But instead, he decided to treat it like work and trudge from Point A to Point B in the most boring and obvious way possible. Hopefully he comes up with a more enjoyable story about the death of Clark Kent and Preboot Superman's usurping of his life.

Action Comics #964

This issue, Superman and Clark Kent fall into a vat of Red Kryptonite!

The Review!
Superman discovers, through the use of alien gadgets that are probably harmful to human cellular structures, that Clark Kent is really just Clark Kent. He's the human version of Superman without any of the super. Pretty much every other detail of his life is the same as Preboot Superman's life as Clark Kent. That would mean that one of the main differences between The New 52 Earth and the Preboot Earth is that New 52 Superman never actually had a secret identity. Which seems weird because why would he pretend he's Clark Kent to the woman who was putting three fingers up his ass as she sucked his cock?

You know what? I could go on like this for pages (theoretical pages since this is the Internet) pointing out all the ways that it doesn't make sense. Or I can just accept Clark Kent's story at face value! This Earth had a Clark Kent and a Superman who looked exactly alike and had the same fingerprints. I suppose I can believe that Superman was pretending to be Clark Kent for five years while Clark Kent vacationed in the Colorado mountains and Superman was simply lying to everybody about everything. I suppose it's not that hard to realize this is Dan Jurgen's way of offering the audience a premise that blatantly makes Scott Lobdell's run on Superman broken which means it can be thrown out entirely! The Rebirth version of New 52 Superman simply wasn't Clark Kent and that's that.

At least now when Clark Kent writes editorials where he completely sucks Superman's dick, it's less awkward than when Superman was actually writing those articles about himself. Although if Clark Kent isn't Superman, who the fuck cares about him? He can fuck off completely! Especially since Clark Smith has an interview with a local paper in Hamilton County! Although I'm now looking forward to the comic book "Superman's Pal Clark Kent's Pal Jimmy Olsen!"

After discovering the "truth" and returning Clark Kent to Metropolis, Superman discovers the Geneticron building has disappeared. Probably because it had all of the evidence that Clark Kent is actually a clone that somehow only retained the Clark Kent memories. Superman did get some information that Geneticron not only had the Doomsday clone that was released on Metropolis, it also had another unidentified body. That was probably released that day as well so it could get the scoop on the Doomsday story.

The issue ends with some guy in a red cap returning to his hotel room where he's living with a miniature version of Apokolips with a Superman tattoo on its chest. The guy in the red cap tells his roommate, Apokolips, "The only answer is death!" It looks like he's going to be an annoying twat in an upcoming issue.

The Ranking
0! Hey DC! Just let all of the bullshit be true because nobody wants a Clark Kent clone running around the DC Universe. Remember what happened to Spider-man when his comic book decided clones were a good answer to every fucking mystery? I don't really remember but I don't think it was great. Maybe that's why you had Geneticron disappear! Just get the one perfect clone and get rid of the process so hack writers can't use it to solve all of their plot problems.

Action Comics #962

The Review!
The problem with Superman stories where he battles somebody who is physically stronger than he is (because far too many people think that's the only way to make somebody a threat to Superman) is that Superman has only two options of truly dealing with those threats. Kill them or put them in The Phantom Zone. He rarely kills the threats unless they're non-sentient aliens (and sometimes he doesn't even kill those! Wuss!) so it's usually The Phantom Zone answer. Which means any story in which Superman battles a physically superior foe winds up being the same comic book story with the same conclusion. The only difference is the palette used by the colorist for the costume of the bad guy. What I'm trying to say is Superman stories where he beats the shit out of the enemy are boring and say nothing at all about the Man of Steel. I think we already know he'll give his life to save the world. But what else will he do to save the world? Will he cheat on Lois? Will he lie to his son? Will he prank Batman?! Let's explore some other avenues of this motherfucker's personality, please!

The Commentary!
Apparently I never have to listen to Les Misérables ever again because I listened to it in its entirety last week and now all of the fucking songs are stuck in my head and will not get the fuck out. It's like being haunted by a bunch of sad sacks and angry men! At this point, I'd welcome demon possession to simply put an end to this torture!

Maybe reading comic books will distract me in much the same way it distracts me from contemplating the impending grave.

Superman is still battling Doomsday in that particular way which got him killed last time. So you can probably guess how this fight will end! Superman is not a smart man. I guess then he'd be called Smartman. Luckily for Average-Intelligenceman, The O League has arrived to deal with Doomsday. While watching the battle in safety aboard the Watchtower, Wonder Woman calls Doomsday "the ultimate weapon." Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that the "ultimate weapon" wears green cargo shorts?

Too bad the members of The O League are about as smart as Superman.

You have a ranged weapon, idiot! Why did you get within Doomsday's reach?!

By the way, you don't have to answer that question in the comments with some guessed at explanation of how The O League soldier's Shove Gun works. It was simply a rhetorical, jokey question. Not everything you read on the Internet needs a response, especially when it's a joke about a comic book and your answer is nothing more than your own guess at comic book logic. In fact, don't answer any questions I ask in my blog because there is a 99.9% chance that I either already know the actual answer or I am just making a joke, or I just wish I were dead already.

"I am the master of hundreds of workers they all look to me!" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Dr. Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s O League starts getting killed one by one by Doomsday. I bet Doomsday has been killed like this before so now he's immune to it!

Up on the Watchtower, Lois asks Wonder Woman who would be crazy enough to want Doomsday as a weapon and Dr. Oz, watching from his Cockpit of Media Mastery, feels the need to defend himself to nobody by answering her question. That makes me think he actually is crazy! Some person I assume I played on Call of Duty messaged me last week telling me to sell my game. I think the argument was that I was terrible. I have no idea who the person was but it was either one of two things that got his goat: I kicked his ass or he kicked my ass one game and decided to taunt me because my stats make me look amazing (I am!). So I just responded with "Virgin?" because I am an articulate genius who knows the exact right thing to say to somebody to make their head blow up. He responded with "Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it. But I'm married to a gorgeous and sexy woman! I have kids and a great job making over 100k/yr. maybe there is someone out there for you though... Keep searching and I'm sure you'll find HIM!!" Wow! His life is really going great! Although, I mean, sincerely...if your life is that great, do you really need the feel to berate a person on the Internet for no reason and then feel the need to justify your existence to that person when they respond to your nonsense? Although calling me gay at the end was a great burn!

After all of Ozy's soldiers have been killed, Superman goes back to Plan A: punch Doomsday to death and then die as well. Although you would think Dan Jurgens has had enough time now to come up with an ending to this story that doesn't involve merely fisticuffs. Because we've already learned that Doomsday can't be killed by anything that killed him previously. And one of those things was Superman's fists! Unless what really killed Doomsday during The Death of Superman story was Booster Gold's face smashing repeatedly into Doomsday's fists.

Ew. Somebody outside is coughing up both lungs, their liver, a kidney, and possibly their pancreas. I think I'm now sick just from hearing that.

Superman makes mention of his plan in bits and pieces. He points out that Step One is to get Doomsday away from Metropolis. Apparently Step Two is to get Doomsday even further away from Metropolis. Hmm. I wonder what Step Three is going to be?! My guess is it's either "Get Doomsday even further away from further than Metropolis" or "Die while punching Doomsday in the face."

"You're here...that's all I need to know! And you will keep me safe..." SHUT UP! "...and you will keep me close..." SHUT THE FUCK UP! "...I'll sleep in your embrace..." AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

This issue is called "Path of Doom: Conclusion." It's the "conclusion" part of the title that's my favorite part!

The third part of Superman's plan is to open the door to his Himalayan Fortress and invite Doomsday inside because Superman has anti-Doomsday weaponry inside. I guess activating the deus ex machina is always a better plan than punching yourself to death.

This might be the most passionless and dull I've ever seen Wonder Woman! "Clark say stay! Me stay! Watch die from here!"

Jon convinces Wonder Woman that his name isn't stupid without the "h". It's a totally acceptable version of John! Then he asks her to go help his dad and Diana shrugs and says, "Whatever. Me go, me guess."

Diana teleports into Clark's Himalayan Fortress and begins beating Doomsday with her shield. Is that some kind of metaphor I'm missing out on? "The best offense is a good defense but used as offense"? Hopefully Superman accepts her help and gets his deus ex machina up and running instead of arguing with Wonder Woman about why she left Lois and Jon unsafe miles over the Earth where nobody can harm them.

Superman's ultimate plan--which he eventually pulls off--is to send Doomsday to The Phantom Zone. Damn! It's been so many issues of Superman punching things in the face to quell them that I forgot that his favorite Plan A was to send shit to The Phantom Zone. Can't solve a problem? Send it to The Phantom Zone! I wonder how many loads of dirty dishes and piles of dirty laundry are scattered about The Phantom Zone? I think I if I had a Phantom Zone Gateway Generator, I would probably jerk off into it a lot. I wonder how angry Zod would be after escaping The Bukkake Zone? At least his skin would probably look nice.

Oh damn. You better nip this shit in the bud as soon as possible, Lois.

Back in Metropolis, Lex Luthor is busy saving children. It's a total waste of time because Jimmy Olsen isn't around to snap any photos. But Clark Kent is there with his sleeves ripped off looking super muscular. Ugh. If this Clark Kent isn't actually Superman than I don't accept his massive pecs and rock hard abs and rippling biceps and throbbing cock. Oh wait. That's my throbbing cock.

Superman and Lex leave Clark Hunk to go speak in private on the top of the Daily Planet Building. They decide to call some kind of truce where neither of them really trust the other and both of them are going to dig into each other's backgrounds until they feel a tentative peace with each other. So it's exactly like Batman's relationship with Superman.

The epilogue to the story shows Dr. Oz has captured Doomsday during his transmission to The Phantom Zone. Maybe he's starting a collection of all of DC's villains. Dr. Oz's Who's Who Zoo.

"By the passion and the flame...empty chairs and empty tables where..." HOLY FUCK DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TREPAN?!

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #6

Guest Starring Pamela Ivy's tits!

The Review or Whatever!
There comes a time in every houseplant's life when they must venture forth into the real world and make their own way. Sometimes their leaving is a natural consequence of maturity, time, and not feeling too embarrassed to try to bring other plants home to fuck in their parent's house. And other times, plants are forced out of the house by an amoral scientist turned monstrous plant that has come round to suck out their stem cells. Get it? They're plants and they have "stem" cells! Ha ha!

Besides Pamela Ivy's tits, Swamp Thing also makes a guest appearance! Why? I don't know! He doesn't do much except tell Poison Ivy her plant children might be evil jerks. And they just might be! But that story will have to never be told because the story ends with Pam's children heading south to wreak havoc on the South. Or maybe they're in search of the Swamp Thing's fat cock. Either way, we'll never know because there's no way this book was popular enough to get a sequel. It was terribly boring. It felt like a rejected script for Murder, She Wrote. I really expected that show to be punk rock because who comes up with the title of a television show that shoves a comma in the middle of it? I don't mean shoving a comma in a title like Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place! That comma isn't doing any work. But Murder, She Wrote? That comma is a fucking star.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #5

Kids are the worst. No wait. Parents are the worst and kids just a symptom of their worsitude.

The Review or Whatever!
Poison Ivy's plant daughters have a night on the town in a story that somehow wasn't called "Paint the Town Green"! Or the strip club anyway because the three Poison Ivy Sporelings manage to sneak out of the house to explore Gotham and wind up in a strip club. Everything you want in a female lead comic book is right here in the pages of this comic book! Hot ladies throwing their arms in the air while dancing to music! Adorable ladies screaming things are awesome because they're full of passionate intensity! A man touching a woman without her permission and getting hurt. A riot at a strip club. Police getting bested by six month old girls. And a harsh mother figure demanding that girls lock themselves up in a tower for their own safety! The only thing missing was the kissing!

I think what this issue was actually about was the anxiety of being a parent. The anxiety wasn't quite as anxious as the anxiety in Eraserhead but then that's not a fair comparison. I never wanted kids and Eraserhead made me feel super anxious for something I knew I was never going to have to deal with! Luckily for Poison Ivy, her children were not vomiting potatoes. Unluckily for Ivy, her children have grown into adults in just six months. Somehow they've matured and learned just as much as an eighteen year old would know as well. I guess they binge watched a lot of Netflix in those six months.

By the end of the issue, the girls are back in their locked tower and Ivy is being attacked by an evil scientist who has also been touched by The Green. Isn't that how it always is?! You can't just have one scientist accidentally turned into a walking plant god! You've always got to have another, more jerkier version transformed alongside you. Typical. So this guy Doctor Grimley is Poison Ivy's Floronic Man. Unless it's different somehow. He wants Ivy's daughters (or just the one he made, Thorn) and he plans on having them! I don't think he's going to be successful although I hope Ivy and her daughters get a moment to hug before the girls all die of old age while saving the world at the same time next issue.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Wonder Woman #51

What is it with Wonder Woman posing with allegorical penises on the cover of her comic books lately?

The Review!
Zola dies at the end of this issue. That's not a spoiler because I don't know if she's really dead or not. Plus I don't think anybody needs to read the rest of this issue only to eventually get to that revelation. The story spends a lot of time reminding the reader that Wonder Woman loves too well and that parents can sometimes fuck up their children. But none of that matters because everything that gets Wonder Woman to contemplate love and children and parents was a lie. By the end, Wonder Woman can forget all of the philosophical bullshit she's been contemplating since she met Hecate because Hecate turned out to be an evil liar. Although maybe it's still pertinent to the theme since Hecate was supposedly working for Gaia and thus is an allegory for how mothers manipulate their children. Fucking mothers! What jerks! Meredith Finch sure nailed that one in a totally not sexist way at all! It's also possible I'm projecting my own childhood onto the story at this point. Anyway, Wonder Woman learns that maybe she shouldn't trust people she doesn't know and has no reason to trust instead of not trusting the people she loves and trusts. I think there was some lesson about monsters being the most human of us all as well but it was so trite that I barely noticed it. This continues to be a pretty sexist comic book about the greatest feminist icon in comic books. What the fuck is DC thinking?! Just go read The Legends of Wonder Woman instead if you care about Wonder Woman at all.

The Commentary!
Wonder Woman is currently on a quest to save Zeus. Why she wants to save the symbol of the patriarchy, I don't know. No, wait, I do know! It's because he's currently a cute little toddler which is the one form he's ever chosen in which Wonder Woman is pretty sure he can't rape. Plus he's so cute and googly and drooly! To save the Patriarchy, Wonder Woman must help the Matriarchy. So she's on a quest to rescue all of Gaia's children. Apparently Meredith Finch decided the greatest role of Wonder Woman's life would be as an au pair to the Olympians.

Wonder Woman is currently in Tartarus to free the Hecatonchires when she remembers the last time she visited when Slade freed Iapetus. Oh, sorry. She still remembers the titan being named "Lapetus." I guess Meredith has decided to stand in solidarity with her husband who completely fucked up the Titan's name in Douchéstork.

Wonder Woman doesn't mind freeing these monsters from their prison because she's learning that not all creatures who look like monsters truly are monsters! What a fucking revelation! Although she's now gone too far to the other side and seems to believe that all creatures that look like monsters aren't monsters. So I hope she's surprised when she finds out the Hecatonchires are just super grabby assholes.

Wonder Woman continues to insist on thinking of Zeke as somebody separate from Zeus. That's mostly so she can keep up the theme of children being damaged by the conflict between their mothers and fathers. But since Zeke is also Zeus, it seems a bit of a stretch to keep thinking of him as being hurt by Zeus.

Wonder Woman runs into Zombie Zola and Dead Baby Zeke in Tartarus because it likes to torture people. Tartar must mean torture because tartar sauce is disgusting.

Zombie Zola accuses Wonder Woman of killing Zeke because Wonder Woman didn't save Zeke fast enough. That's a tried and true philosophy in DC Comics! If somebody failed to save somebody else, it's always the fault of the failed savior and not the person who actually caused the problem in the first place. So good job, Tartarus! You're just like every other jerk in The New 52 stemming back to that cop in Gail Simone's Batgirl #1 who pointed her pistol at Batgirl instead of the bad guy and blamed her for the death of some other person. I don't remember all the details! And I can't go back to remind myself because I took a black Sharpie and blacked out the offending panel.

Wonder Woman remembers being teased and called Clay by the other Amazonian girls. Dang Hippolyta and her lies! Diana suffered because of her mother's actions! Ew! I'm so angry at parents right now! They ruin everything! Except for those parents holding up their toddler at an outdoor concert which everybody on Tumblr tagged as "Parenting. You're doing it right." I guess those were good parents and they weren't harming their child at all by turning it into an accessory.

Diana runs into Superman next and remembers how she's always wanted to be a mother! Of course! What woman doesn't constantly yearn for motherhood! Even Wonder Woman can't escape the call of her uterus!

I can't stand stories or articles or people who cannot believe that some people simply do not want children. There's too much projection going on in society. Just because you couldn't imagine a world without your precious shitty bundle of noise, it doesn't mean everybody else would feel the same way about having one. I've never wanted a child for any reason ever. Got a reason for wanting a child? I don't have that reason. Got a reason for not wanting a child? Just add it to the list of mine. Don't fucking care. Some people think I have some kind of obligation to be a father. I admit, I'd be a great father. Probably. I mean, I'm the best uncle and although there's a vast chasm between those two jobs, I'm fairly confident that if I had accidentally become a father at some point, I would have done the job well. But being fairly responsible in my choices, it has never happened (almost once! But, thank Jesus, he took care of that problem on his own! Who needs doctors when Jesus provides the most spontaneous abortions of anybody ever?!). But even if I were a great father, the Non-Certified Spouse, who doesn't want children as much or more than me (I only say "more" in that I don't want them at all and she doesn't want them at all even more somehow. It's weird math and I don't have a calculator with the proper buttons to explain it correctly), would be a terrible mother. Just awful. I don't think she'd be offended by my saying she would just completely suck as a mother.

Next Hera runs into the Mother of Olympus because the theme! Remember the fucking theme!

This is really Hera. Really, really!

Characters in comic books constantly mistrust the people they've grown to love and trust as soon as some Iago whispers any fucking thing in their ear. Everybody loves too well! Is this something people actually deal with on a constant basis? I'm guessing they do since Othello remains a popular story even though I read it and thought what I think every time I read the same ploy in a DC Comic book, "Why the fuck is the protagonist believing somebody they barely know over somebody they completely trust?!" I think I'm too full of esteem to understand that this is a thing. What's really going on is the bad person tugs at a string of self-doubt already inherent in the hero and carefully pulls it until everything unravels. So Wonder Woman already mistrusts the Olympians so when a stranger tells her somebody she loves is in danger from the Olympians, she decides to fuck everything up. Another option would have been asking the people she trusted if any of it was true. But, of course, she had to save Zeke in secret for plot reasons.

Anyway, now Wonder Woman knows she was set up by Hecate! Hecate is in for it now!

Is Batman as afraid of Wonder Woman as he is of Superman? Because Superman can destroy the Earth if he's possessed or magically controlled or given Joker Venom or infected by the Doomsday virus or mind-controlled. But Wonder Woman simply needs to have her emotions manipulated and WHAMMO! She's turned against everybody! That statement may be sexist but it's not my sexism. That sexism is courtesy of Meredith Finch and this story of hers!

Wonder Woman and Hera escape from Tartarus but find it was too late! While they were gone, Hecate escaped with Hera's "orbs", Zola has died, and Zeke is missing! Whoops!

Poison Ivy #3

Poison Ivy is about to breastfeed this man.

Rating: Worth reading if you're a Poison Ivy fan. I think. I mean, obviously Poison Ivy fans are going to pick this book up. And if they love Pam, they'll mostly ignore the plot. I'd say the next issue should be fun because Poison Ivy will be working with Catwoman. But in an earlier issue, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hung out and it was a total cock-up. They wound up yelling at each other and deciding to take a break from their relationship. I don't think that's something Poison Ivy fans would find worth reading! It was probably infuriating! I know I hated it when DC decided to make Power Girl and The Huntress enemies in one of those horrible Earth-2 books. And what about that movie at the theaters right now? Where Batman and Superman are battling! Why are so many characters in the DC You not allowed to have a friend?!

• Poison Ivy has recently hatched a few babies from a plant. I would love to say I didn't think there was a market for this but I grew up during the Cabbage Patch Kids craze. I know this market is insatiable.

• Some other stuff was going on but I can't remember what it was because I haven't been finding this story very interesting and I haven't been keeping careful notes on the comic books I've been reading the last couple of months.

• How do you take care of a plant baby? Splash a little water on it and leave it out in the sun?

• Poison Ivy is proud of her hybrid babies instead of disgusted. I find that an odd reaction because I'm disgusted by all babies.

• The babies might not be where Poison Ivy rakes in the cash. She also developed some Plant Nannies to take care of the babies. Now those would probably sell out in minutes! Just shove your baby in a flower and leave it for the day? Who wouldn't want one?

• Poison Ivy murders the guy who's been sexually harassing her at work. Apparently you can't have a female lead in a DC Comic without having her kill or beat the shit out of some sexist pig. Pretty soon there won't be any guys left in the DC You!

• Ivy needs to get into a secret lab at her work because somebody stole her research plans. Somebody is always stealing her research! She should stop working for the man and just start her own business. Catwoman can fund her.

• Speaking of Catwoman, she arrives to help Ivy break into the lab. Too bad she pissed off Harley in a previous issue. The whole gang could have been back together.

Doomed #6

I don't know what these monsters are but I hope they win.

Now that this is the last issue of Doomed (I hope?), how long before Doomed becomes a regularly appearing guest in Red Hood Loves Arsenal? How proud do you think Scott Lobdell is with the creation of this character who is basically Spider-man with all of Spider-man's supporting cast? Alpha Centurion has already moved on to the Teen Titans because that book didn't already have enough awful characters that are all being under-utilized. I suppose if a writer doesn't have a story, it's always convenient to just bring in more heroes to battle the regular heroes in the book. Nobody thinks of it as overcrowded! It's just more possibilities for a buyer of comic books to see that their favorite character is in the story! So a lot like Doomed which needed to bring in Wonder Girl and then Superman to make sure somebody was still going to purchase the last couple of issues. Certainly not many people who read the first few issues planned on buying them.

See? Even Scott Lobdell knows the only people picking up this book are new to it and have no idea what Reiser looks like!

I'm glad Reiser thinks of himself as brilliant because I'm absolutely certain that nobody else would. What kind of an idiot puts on a hazmat suit to clean out a room used for quarantines at STAR Labs and decides to remove the helmet because it's too stuffy? That's the kind of thing an idiot would do. I hope my sister appreciates how I chose to use "idiot" in the last sentence rather than "my sister." I just figure not enough people reading this know my sister so they might have been confused by the sentiment.

The monster attacking Superman, Doomed, and Alpha Centurion is called Mother Herd. It doesn't have any breasts so it must be reptilian. Or avian. Or amphibian. Or...you know what? It's just not a mammal! But according to the cover, the bumps on its back are probably all of its little offspring. It's like one of those horrible spiders that carry all of the little baby spiders on its back which--considering I ever accidentally stumbled upon one of those or found one *SHUDDER* crawling on me--would instantly drive me insane. I like spiders. I let spiders live in my house. Sometimes I catch them and put them outside. But they still creep me the everloving fuck out. Especially when you feel something on your skin and look over and the spider is all, "Hi! Hi! I'm here! I'm on you! Whee! Isn't this pleasant?!" Then the spider is greeted with "AAARRRRRGLLEEE SPLARGGGLE!" as every muscle in my body explodes into action and I become an epileptic octopus.

Oh wait. Alpha Centurion is neither an Elizabethan nor a Roman. He's Thor. That fits in with the whole homage to (and not stolen at all) Spider-man theme going on here.

The art is horrible this issue.

Javier Fernandez must have gotten the script for this month's issue and thought, "Wait. I thought this was already cancelled?! I don't have time for this shit!"

I suppose I should also blame the colorist since Ulises is probably responsible for giving Superman the plastic Count Dracula wig.

Doomed-man sits back and watches Superman and Alpha Centurion do most of the fighting. That way, Scott Lobdell can fill the entire comic book with Doomed-man's thoughts. He can't speak in a comprehensible language so instead he Roy Harpers up the joint. That means he stinks it up while thinking stupid shit that sounds like he's spinning commentary on the shittiest movie ever made. Dumb people appreciate that kind of comic book writing. Without the Narration Boxes, things might get ambiguous. And you know what they say about ambiguity! It's the Twitter Mob's Playground!

Doomed-man begins to empathize with the monster because he knows what it's like to be thought of as a monster even when you're not. Hmm. I wonder who else in this group might empathize with that? Who else in this group has constantly been harassed by people thinking he's a monster? And what asshole writer thought it was an appropriate way to write him and the people of Metropolis? That was a clue!

It's Superman! Superman is the one I was talking about! Who did you think I meant? Alpha Centurion? Oh, you!

So basically this might be the only story Scott Lobdell knows how to write. Hero is hated by everybody and must learn to deal with it. He did get his big break writing The X-men and that's about 98% of all X-men stories.

But now this book is about Doomed-man and not about Superman. So even though Superman has been going through the things Doomed-man is now going through, Superman won't be the one to think that maybe Mother Herd is just being judged unfairly. No, now Superman will be a perpetrator of prejudice and ignorance! It's up to Lobdell's new main focus to show that not everybody who looks like a monster actually is a monster. The reverse is also true! Scott Lobdell doesn't look like a monster but would you want him under your bed or in your closet anyway?

Oh no! Aunt May's dog thinks it's a dalmatian and is running towards the danger!

Mother Herd throws a ship on top of Superman which causes him to almost drown. But Doomed-man picks it up and saves the day! He also decapitates Mother Herd with it. I guess the empathizing wasn't very serious. It was just to show that Doomed-man cares more than other heroes who simply begin throwing punches at anything that looks different from them.

Superman is out cold long enough for Alpha Centurion to turn his heroic rage against Doomed-man since Doomed-man, you know, looks like a monster. Even though he, you know, helped defeat Mother Herd. I feel like Scott Lobdell has been beating me about the head with a battleship throughout this whole series. "Don't judge a book by its cover, guys!"

Luckily Superman gains consciousness in time to stop Alpha Centurion. That's also when Doomed-man finally finds the ability to speak. I guess so that somebody will still want to use him in a later book. If he couldn't talk, he might just go the way of Skitters and never appear again. And even though Superman saved him, Superman still believes he needs to take Doomed-man in to STAR Labs because he's a danger to other people.

Maybe somebody who isn't running around with possibly the most dangerous virus in the solar system can make that argument. You though? You go to STAR Labs Prison.

Oui Oui appears and finally shows that she likes Doomed-man. Superman points out that he also has a dog so he's going to let the guy with the contagious Doomsday virus go about his business infecting everybody he coughs on. Totally got to watch the backs of your fellow dog lovers, you know?!

Oh sure. That sounds like a better plan than getting Reiser the medical treatment he needs. Let him be a hero until he fucks up and then make him disappear. Is this Batman in a Superman mask?

I hope this comic book doesn't end with "Not the end!" because I don't want to have to scan another picture just to prove that I knew it would end with "Not the end!"

Whew! It doesn't end that way. But it does end mentioning how Doomed-man will be in Teen Titans #14. Why am I still reading that comic book?! It just keeps getting worse and worse!

Mary Jayne did not make an appearance in this issue. I think Superman may have killed her.

Doomed #6 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell does not have characters guest star in his comic books so that he can utilize the things that make those characters great to make his stories better. No, he just brings them in so that they can say something horrible or awful and stupid which the main character of his book can point out is horrible or awful or stupid which makes his main character look better by comparison. In this issue, Superman does not offer to help Doomed recover in any way. He just shrugs and points out that the virus is incurable. Then he lets Doomed go about his business instead of trying to get him medical attention for the virus that is turning him into Doomsday. So what if Doomed can now speak in the Doomsday form. He's still becoming Doomsday! That could be a catastrophe! But Superman trusts that this kid has got things under control instead of helping the kid to find a cure or, if that fails, helping the kid to control the virus inside him. No, instead Superman decides to let him go about unsupervised and threatens to make him disappear if Doomed ever does anything wrong ever again. Superman! What a guy! Also I'm glad this comic book has ended and please do not put Scott Lobdell on any more comic books, DC. Just let Red Hood Loves Arsenal run its course and let old Scotty fade into obscurity! Or take him back around the barn and deal with him. He's your dog now!

Doomed #5

Wouldn't that be great if this kid did turn into Doomsday and killed Superman again? And it was all written by Scott Lobdell?!

Remember when The New 52 was too new and fresh to have any serious errors in its past? The only thing readers could roll their eyes and scoff at was how nobody at DC Comics knew the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica! Now DC Comics has collected so much baggage (full of turds, of course) over the last four years that it's practically crying out for the next big company-wide reboot: Eternal Crisis on Infinite Multiverses! Or--and this might be a better idea because it only involves one step to fix everything--DC could fire Scott Lobdell! Okay, that wouldn't actually fix everything. Greg Pak is still over there ruining the Superman part of the franchise (although if I want to feel charitable to Greg Pak, I suppose I could blame Eddie Berganza for that failure since every book he edits is a big enough turd to clog a Las Vegas hotel toilet). And Cullen Bunn spends most of his time taping dingleberries to pieces of paper and handing them in as his Lobo scripts. And let's not forget Tony S. Daniel although you probably wish I would have let you forget Tony S. Daniel. Sorry! Looking at the ten worst comic books that DC publishes, they're written by those four guys! Oh, and Will Pfeifer. I think I was kind of letting him off the hook because he's just making "snow" angels in the filth that Lobdell left behind.

This issue begins with Superman Narration Boxing while he's about to be smooched by Doomsday. It's a totally Lobdelled first page in that it's a boring image with lots of Narration Boxes. Most writers try to start off their comic books by catching the reader's attention and making them interested in turning the page to find out more. Lobdell would rather make the first page as boring as possible so that the reader can eagerly look forward to more interesting pages as they work their way to the final page where they realize the interesting pages are in different comic books.

I'd ask who thought it was a good idea to let Scott Lobdell write Superman again but I already know it was that jerk Eddie Berganza. One time at a comedy open mic night, one of the "comedians" spent his entire time on stage wishing that I would get cancer, so I know how funny it is to wish cancer on someone (even if the guy stole his entire "I hope you get cancer" two minute act from Howard Stern who did that bit for like ten years). I mean, I would never wish a horrible disease on anybody no matter how good the act is. But I think I can wish that Eddie Berganza would win the lottery and choose to retire from comics! Now I just need to find a Wiki-dictionary where I can change the definition of "lottery" to "the act of getting hit by a bus."

Can't comic book editors return a script to a writer and say, "No. This is bad. Do it over"? I'm going to ask Gail Simone!

Superman is explaining Doomsday to Mary Jayne. Except Superman doesn't know what he's talking about for some reason. I'm not sure what that reason is. I mean, he's Superman. He should be at least somewhat intelligent! But instead he's all, "If Doomsday is killed, somebody else becomes Doomsday because that's a thing now! I totally know because I was in this event called 'Doomed' which was different than the comic book we're in now. But since I was Doomsday, you just have to believe that I know what I'm talking about! And I'm here because I broke into STAR Labs because I can't use my Fortress of Solitude which is in either the Arctic or the Antarctic and I probably haven't stolen all of Batman's Batcomputers yet, I guess. So I needed STAR Labs' computers for something inconsequential and I just happened to walk around the right corner and find you researching Doomsday! Now I'm here to help!" And Mary Jayne is all, "Please don't kill me!" That's a typical reaction to Superman in all of the poorly written DC Comics because suddenly nobody trusts him because they just realized he's an alien after knowing he's an alien for years.

Mary Jayne spills Peter Parker's secret to Superman and Superman leaps over to talk with Peter. Hopefully Roman doesn't decide to turn into the Gladiator or whatever and beat on Superman because Superman is an alien.

While Clark and Peter hug, Roman gets a cramp that will turn him into Alpha Centurion or whatever. It had to happen because somebody has to start a violent misunderstanding.

Of course he is, Clark. He's a teen character written by Scott Lobdell. That means he's better than adults at all the stuff.

Peter decides he can't trust Superman because...well, do I have to keep explaining how awful writers don't know how to write Superman? So everybody just mistrusts him which completely subverts the whole reason for him. He's supposed to be a beacon of hope. Instead, he's become a monster to fear. I suppose Peter can blame his Doomsday Virus on being such a mistrustful jerk but he was just scanned by Superman and he's fine! So it's really just the same thing that makes everybody else in the world an asshole: fear. Which, remember, is stupid because only stupid morons fear Superman and I'm sick of reading stories where people fear Superman. Boo! Hiss!

After Doomed-Man punches Superman, he flees. But Superman catches up to him and says, "You have one chance! Let me help you!" And this time, Peter is all, "Okay! I totally trust you!"

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FUCKING BULLSHIT GODDAMN PIECE OF FUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCK! If somebody gave me a time machine to go back in time to kill Baby Hitler, I would instead use it to go back in time and murder Tom DeFalco. Sorry, Tom. I suppose I could kill Baby Scott but he's not the real villain in his own story. He was just a guy who couldn't write who had the tenacity to keep trying and the sociopathic ability to spot a weak editor that would actually allow him into the business. Seriously, if you ever want to take the time to hear how Scott Lobdell got his big break in comic books, click on the first linked footnote in his Wikipedia page. Basically he got into comic books because Tom DeFalco was too fucking lazy to do his job.

I hope I don't get arrested for Thought Time Crimes now!

Anyway, Peter has to turn into Doomed-Man and punch Superman (even though he trusts Superman three seconds later) because Alpha Centurion has to come upon Superman hanging out with Doomed-Man. Now Alpha Centurion has a good reason to misunderstand everything and commit violence against Superman!

See?! Who doesn't know Superman is from Krypton! And they've known forever! But they're just now afraid of him for being an alien! I wonder if all this time the idiotic populace of the DC You just thought Krypton was a nation in Russia?

I wonder why Alpha Centurion speaks like a modern person who's trying to sound like an Elizabethan thug? Were most of those guys Romans?

Alpha Centurion beats the crap out of Doomed-Man for a bit. Doomed-Man equates Centurion's hitting power to that of a mountain if it had fists. So he's pretty strong if he can knock Little Doomsday around. But not stronger than Lost-His-Powers Superman because Superman grabs them both by the fists and stops them from fighting. Once again, Superman's current power level is determined by what he needs to accomplish in the plot.

Actually they weren't tearing up the city. They were just destroying a single ship. A ship which you, Superman, first threw Doomed-Man into anyway. So it was already broken before they began fighting.

And then a fifty foot tall monster erupts out of the ground so that the heroes can finally work together.

Doomed #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. Wasn't this some kind of Marvel formula in one of the earlier decades? Two heroes have a misunderstanding that erupts into violence. They battle for a bit saying things like "No time to explain!" and "J. Jonah Jameson's editorial said you were an asshole!" before they both realize they're actually hunting the same villain. Then they team up to defeat the villain and they become good friends until the next time a writer is feeling lazy and needs an easy conflict for his story. Maybe that's just a normal plot contrivance and I shouldn't blame it completely on Marvel. If it was a Marvel idea, DC stole it like they steal everything Marvel does, according to Marvel Fangenders. This story was so formulaic that it was almost competently written! How could Scott Lobdell fuck up a story that he's written about five hundred times already?! But being Lobdell, he screwed it up anyway. I mean, since when do Roman's speak like Elizabethans?! Aside from Spartacus, of course.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Doomed #4

Poor Wonder Girl! She thought she was free from being written by Lobdell!

Last night I put away my huge stack of comic books from the last few months. I also reorganized the six short boxes which housed the current DC titles (along with a bunch that had been cancelled since last I put comic books away). I used two of the boxes to to hold cancelled titles and four of the boxes for the current titles. When I was done, I was left with a stack of comic books twice as tall as when I had begun! I think I broke some laws of physics last night!

Before I begin commenting on Doomed, let me present a cheat sheet for how I'm discussing it so that anybody reading this isn't confused. This is obviously Scott Lobdell's DC version of Spider-man. So I'll be calling the main character Peter and his monstrous alter-ego, Doomed-man. The girl he works with at STAR Labs is Mary Jayne (I think her real name is Jayne?). The homeless girl he almost had sex with is Gwen. And his old, decrepit aunt is, of course, Aunt May. I just wanted everybody to understand this so they didn't accidentally think I was doing reviews on Marvel comics which would negate my exclusivity contract with DC Comics and kill my Mountain Dew endorsement deal.

The comic book begins with Doomed-man being punched over and over again by Wonder Girl. The action scene is ruined by Doomed-man thinking too many poorly written thoughts to himself. He thinks things like "That hurt. A lot" and "This girl is hardcore" and "She punches like she's got two battleships taped to her wrists!" That last one was so clever that it needed an exclamation point. What kind of horrible, awful, sexually harassing editor who loves to blackmail people would allow this kind of shoddy writing to make it to publication?

This would reflect poorly on Wonder Girl's character if she had even just once since The New 52 began acted heroically.

This scene began with a "NOW" caption so I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to read the situation that led up to this battle that means nothing. Why are Wonder Girl and Doomed-man fighting? No reason! It's not like it's going to move any kind of plot along because the fight between them is, most likely, the entire plot. So sit back and enjoy a bit of story which probably took less time for Scott Lobdell to write than it takes for Eddie Berganza to come in his pants while rubbing up against women at the crowded office Christmas party.

The flashback comes (just like Eddie on a crowded subway!) just as the fight between Doomed-man and Wonder Girl was not getting any more interesting. One half hour earlier, Peter decided it would be a good idea to ring Aunt May's doorbell while still looking like Doomed-man. I bet he gets hit with a purse! Or a broom!

Doomed-man doesn't actually reveal himself to Aunt May. He chickens out at the last instant and heads over to the abandoned amusement park. Metropolis sure has a lot of abandoned places to not bring your kids. A zoo last issue and now a park. I bet the Collateral Superman Damage Insurance was just too expensive and shut a lot of places down.

Don't worry, Peter. You'll only have to put up with this crap for a couple more issues. And then you'll cease to exist because who the fuck is going to care about this character ever reappearing in the DC Universe?

Doomed-man blows his load and creates a huge crater in the abandoned amusement park. Since his transformations take place when he gets sexually excited, it only makes sense that he turns back into Peter after he orgasms. He passes out in his "webstuff" and is then approached by Gwen. She speaks "monstre" to him (that's the stupid name of the stupid language that Peter suddenly knows how to speak as Doomed-man) and he transforms back into a naked boy.

This is about par for Wonder Girl's characterization since the Reboot. So unlikeable!

At the end of the last issue, The Elite arrived to help take care of the Metropolis Monster. But being that Scott Lobdell simply begins writing new stories every month instead of continuing the stories from the previous month, he's now decided he only wants to write Wonder Girl in this issue (Alternate Theory: Eddie Berganza was too busy groping women to do his job). So the explanation for Kid Flash and Power Girl not appearing in this issue? Wonder Girl "ordered them away." And never you fucking mind where she sent them! What does that have to do with the plot of Doomed-man fighting Wonder Girl? That's just extraneous bullshit that doesn't add drama or tension.

Other people who take off their containment suits while scrubbing down a quarantine room full of weird ass shit do fucking deserve it. You know, like you do. Totally fair. Asshole.

As Peter tries to cover up his shame (his nakedness, not his horrible characterization), Wonder Girl breaks through the roof and says, "You're going down, Monster Man." Of course it triggers his transformation. Seriously, if a beautiful woman smashes into the room and says something like that to me, I'm going to go full boner too! And so the comic book returns to where it started. It should have never started there in the first place. Just fucking start your story from the beginning if you're going to tell the whole story anyway. The only reason to begin in the middle is because you're going to continue from the middle.

Doomed-man saves Wonder Girl from being crushed as she tries to kill him which is the tired old way of showing the hero that the person they're fighting isn't a bad person at all. Wonder Girl lassos him with her Baby Lasso of Truth and he turns back into a human boy. Good thing because that erotic asphyxiation stuff can be really dangerous and awesome feeling.

Wonder Girl tells Peter that with great monstrosity comes great responsibility. Then she gives him Red Robin's phone number so that asshole can deal with him. And then she leaves!

On the final page, Mary Jayne discovers that the head of Doomsday was the last thing in the quarantine room (which she's still calling a Clean Room because she's a stupid fucking jerko). And then Superman shows up because he doesn't have any respect for private property and he doesn't know how to knock and he may actually be looking for some heavy anal fisting action because he's got red handkerchiefs hanging out of his pockets.

Doomed #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. The point of this issue was for Wonder Girl to sympathize with Doomed-man because she's like him with her invisible hate armor which turns her into a monster as well. But she's learned how to control it and has decided she's not a danger to anybody anymore even though she's a completely selfish asshole. When she discovers that Doomed-man is just a kid named Peter Parker who can't control his powers, she tells him he's going to be okay and allows him to run free in Metropolis. Yay for sympathetic bonding that leaves the entire population of Metropolis at risk! Somebody didn't learn anything about great responsibility and great power! It's one thing to trust him if he can control his powers. But to leave him alone without any help is completely irresponsible. But Scott Lobdell doesn't give a shit about the world the characters live in. He just wants to have two teenagers trust each other and have faith in each other and to point out that the adult world is bullshit, amirite?! Fuck those STAR assholes! They're exactly like NOWHERE! High five! Seriously though. This almost could have possibly been a decent issue if the characters weren't being written as if they live in a vacuum. I hope Doomed-man destroys Metropolis next issue.