Justice League 3001 #3

Is it her last laugh because this book was cancelled already?!

Just to get a glimpse of the extravagant lifestyle I'm used to leading, I'm currently sitting in my boxers in front of the air conditioner eating a chocolate chip and sea salt cookie while drinking iced green tea. But I'm also sitting next to a stack of over a hundred old Teen Titans comic books by Marv Wolfman which I'm going to reread, just in case you thought my life was all relaxation and good times.

Last issue, Supergirl's bum came back into my life. Although it's her Preboot bum which I don't think is as alluring as her Reboot bum. She solved the Starro crisis on Wodin Twelve for the Justice League 3001 team which leaves them free to begin a new story arc this issue. This probably doesn't belong in this paragraph but I just wanted to remind everybody (especially the people at DC Comics) that Ambush Bug made a cameo in Justice League 30001 #1. So let's see more of him, okay?

The solution to solving the Starro crisis was for Supergirl to find Starro Prime and have Starro Prime point out that the people of this world were saved by becoming slaves. And while the Justice League argue and scoff at this explanation, they seem to accept it enough that they all head back to Camelot Nine leaving Wodin Twelve exactly the way it was. Sometimes problems are too complex to solve them with punching things. When that happens, the Justice League are not the team for the job, so they just move on to one where punching is helpful. Until that next problem comes along, the team stand around and recycle old Giffen and DeMatteis jokes from previous issues. Remember how Clark thinks he's the best? It's so funny to be reminded of that aspect of his character again! Wait, did I say "aspect of"? I think I meant "whole entirety of".

I wish the heroes could be as coldly logical as Starro the Bureaucratic Conqueror has become.

In the very next panel which I hadn't read until after scanning the above panel and commenting on it, Guy Gardner asks Ariel Masters if she wants him to punch out the Starro representative. Oh, Justice League 3001! Never change! Not that I'm concerned they would change because then I'd plead with them to change. But since I read the names of the writers on the cover, I already pretty much know what to expect from this comic book and its cast.

Ariel (who is actually Evil Lois Lane) makes Guy Gardner responsible for the Starro diplomat. Guy Gardner makes it perfectly clear--right up front and everything!--that he won't have sex with it. Even though it's in a perfectly viable female body. What would it be like having sex with an overarching consciousness spread out over millions of worlds across the universe?! I bet it would be disappointing.

Meanwhile, Clark and Bruce visit Takron-Galtos for some reason. Maybe they want to visit the Super Buddies. Or maybe they just want to spend a little time on their old home planet. Or maybe they just heard really good things about Ralph & Sue's Bar & Grill?

How did Ralph and Sue survive the last thousand years?! Or is this like the Fake Blue Beetle guy. Did some jerk just find a bottle of Gingold lying around and decide to open a ridiculously themed restaurant?

Since Clark and Bruce are on Takron-Galtos, it's time to check in on the Super Buddies! They're busy battling Giant Turtle-Man. Although being a prison planet, I'm not sure what good fighting crime is here. Do criminals who behave badly on this planet get sent into solitary? Maybe solitary is the moon. Or it's what they've begun calling the sun.

Tiny Green Lantern and Barry Allen Flash arrive to micromanage the Super Buddies battle with Giant Turtle-Man. I thought Barry died. Twice! I guess if he died twice, he can come back around to die a third time. I'm sure it'll be explained eventually, maybe in a goofy Fun FAQs at the end of the issue. Or it was already explained and I just forgot about it because I was too busy thinking about how quickly Barry Allen probably has sex.

Apparently the Super Buddies have been tasked with cleaning up the prison planet so that it can be recolonized. Wouldn't it be easier to hire Lobo? He has experience with this kind of thing. Plus it would be nice to have Real Deal Lobo back in the DC Youniverse. This comic book is allowed to bring back Preboot characters, so I'm sure he'll make an appearance eventually. I mean, they just introduced Jimmy Olsen as the Giant Turtle-Man while I was typing that thing about Lobo.

Clark goes back to Camelot Nine but Bruce sticks around to encounter yet another hero returning from the twenty-first century. Or almost encountering the hero, anyway.

I hope it's Lobo in a Batman costume!

The book finishes with Guy not expressing his full emotions and deepest feelings and Supergirl exasperated with Teri Flash. So basically situations and jokes we've all read from Giffen and DeMatteis previously. Although Guy does have one moment where he pushes the Starro representative down the stairs and subsequently feels bad about it which made me laugh. And after reading Giffen and DeMatties comic books with the same jokes repeated over and over again for nearly thirty years, I'd say one laugh out of a twenty page issue is pretty good!

Justice League 3001 #3 Rating: No change. I like to rib Giffen and DeMatteis for repeating the same jokes over and over again because it's true. They do that. A lot. But I'm going to give them some credit for what they're doing with this series. I love the Elseworldsness of it all. They can introduce any character from DC's past at any time and force it to fit the story. Preboot Beetle, Booster, Ice, Fire, Etrigan, and Darkseid all exist alongside resurrected versions of the main Justice League members. And those guys were introduced that way because it was before the series really seemed to have received the go ahead to bring back Reboot characters. So they're resurrected in new bodies with faulty memories which allows them to be past versions of the characters but with only the pieces of their histories intact which Giffen and DeMatteis want to use. I suspect that the main reason this comic book exists is to give Giffen and DeMatteis their own little playground where the editors don't really have to be bothered by them. I picture Giffen in the DC Offices just screaming, "CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS?" And now he can do that! And that! And whatever he wants! And nobody has to listen to his weird fucked up pitches anymore.