Batman #48 & #49: The Best Man

I like what Tom King has done in comics. I truly like the way he tells a story. But he's got one major problem. He doesn't seem to know when a story doesn't need to be told. This is that story.

The easy reason for why it didn't need to be told is that we've seen this premise before. If Batman is happy, he stops being Batman. Got it. Understood! Thanks for making sure Batman remains grim and unbearable for the sake of hardcore fans who don't know the definition of whimsy. Anyway, Snyder, who retold the story most recently, took over a year to tell this story so at least I can say Tom King's version is shorter.

The hard reason for why it didn't need to be told will take a convoluted while for me to tell. So let me start with why I know why it needed to be restated as prologue to the wedding of Batman and Catwoman. Comic book readers, who know this marriage will never take and is just another big nothing in the life of a comic book character whose basic attributes and life situation can never truly change, needed to be reminded that they knew this marriage wouldn't work. We've had months of Bat this and Cat that lulling us into this fantasy world where Batman and Catwoman would suddenly be fighting crime together at night and ruining the sheets Alfred keeps bleaching by day. What a wonderful world this was going to be! So romantic and fun!

But then the Joker had to show up and shit all over it in the most disturbing way possible. If you're thinking the most disturbing way possible to shit on Batman's wedding is to shit on Batman's wedding, you're wrong by a factor of a spree killing in a church.

Oh, but before I continue with that thought, let me answer the question I keep hearing from all of my imaginary readers: "So, Grunion Genius, you're saying this story didn't need to be told but that the previous Booster Gold story did?" No, you fucking idiots, that's not what I'm saying. Christ, it's like I have to constantly hold the hands of your tiny brains when I say anything at all on the Internet so I don't have to hear your incessant and imagined stupidity! Obviously no comic book story ever needs to be told. But I don't want to get into the philosophical weeds where we keep getting back to the main question of how we tell the nature of reality through our meager and insufficient means of experiencing it. If I accept the Booster Gold story can be told, I suppose I need to accept that this story can be told. Except I don't want to. Which leads me back to the reasons why before you interrupted me.

But first let me interrupt myself! Way back when I was a virginal teenager (much different than today because now I'm a virginal adult), I remember having this distinct thought about a comic book series I was reading: "I hope I don't die before I can finish reading this story." I'd like to say it was something like Watchmen or Elfquest or even Crisis On Infinite Earths. But it's sad to say it was just as likely to have been Blue Devil or Blue Beetle or Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. The important thing to realize is that I was once an age where each individual story seemed important. I was passionately invested in any garbage turned out from month to month because I was invested in the characters. Back then, I didn't follow writers or artists or Gnostic visions brought on by the ingestion of psilocybin mushrooms. I just wanted to read more stories about Skywise banging Foxfur in a starry meadow. But I'm more sophisticated now! I mean more cynical! I mean more understanding of the way comic books work and how they never really get to the point of anything. They're just one meaningless drama after another as each writer takes a turn to express why they feel the character was important to them twenty years before they finally got a chance at writing that character. It turns out a lot of writers just want to say the same exact thing.

And that was my first and easiest to come up with reason for why this story didn't need to be told. My second reason was, essentially, that no story actually needs to be told so that seems to make my first reason moot. But it doesn't! Because if no story needs to be told then all stories can be told. Which means none of them truly matter. Which brings me back to the difficulty of expressing the point of this essay: Tom King didn't need to tell this story.

I think it's important to try to understand why Tom King thought he needed to tell this story though. Did you read The Sheriff of Babylon? I'm going to assume that you did. In it, Tom King seemed to be expressing the absurdity of this world in a truly serious and awful story about how war and the clash of cultures and greed and desire and need and corruption and all of the human accessories piled upon us to fuck us all, forever. It's absurd that so many people suffer from global conflicts that we all feel powerless to avert, as if they're a volcano erupting or a tsunami triggered by a massive earthquake. We're all swept up in unnatual disasters we treat as natural. What can you do? This is the way things are. We have a role and we must play our part. *shoulder shrug*

In The Sheriff of Babylon, we discover a group of people caught up in this existential farce. But we also see them trying their best to do the right thing. What can you do in the face of absurdity except to try to do your best? I mean aside from, like most people, to do their worst by making everybody miserable simply to get what they want. There is that choice, after all. That point will probably tie back in when I get back to Batman but my main point here is trying to highlight that, I think, the world cracked Tom King and he can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all as he treats it as deadly serious.

Take a look back at the Booster Gold story in the previous Batman arc. It's nothing if not a deadly serious situation told in an absurd fashion about one guy trying to do the best he can to improve that situation. That's also The Sheriff of Babylon (except the one dude is two dudes and a lady). That's also The Omega Men (except the one dude is a tiger man and a princess and a robot and an orphan and the worst Green Lantern (in his best role)). That's also Mister Miracle (except the one dude is one New God and his wife and baby). And then, there's Maude. I mean Batman.

Maybe I should sum up "The Best Man"? The Joker murders a bunch of people in church to get Batman's attention. He then defeats Batman so that Catwoman has to step in. This is when we learn that his main reason for this nonsense is to convince Catwoman to not marry Batman by killing her. Or maybe just convince her by almost killing her and then dying. Whatever his reasons (which, let's face it, are unfathomable because he's The Joker, right?!), the main point is to keep Batman sad and grim so that Batman will keep punching The Joker in the face.

Wait! I don't think I told that right! The Joker points out that if Batman is happy, he can't be Batman (as we saw in Snyder's story and all the others that I'm certain exist but I don't have time to research and I can't remember due to all those Gnostic visions). And if he can't be Batman, he can't stop the Joker from constantly killing people in Gotham churches. Not that Batman stops that anyway. I guess what Batman really does is stops the Joker from killing everybody in two churches (or killing everybody from two poisoned reservoirs (or killing everybody from two Joker-tainted Justice Leagues (or killing everybody from two massive gas attacks (or from killing everybody from two machine gun filled parades (or, well, you probably got the point twenty years ago))))). What is left ambiguous is whether the Joker wants Batman to stop him because, as Catwoman via The Riddler's logic points out, he's not really crazy and needs to be punished for what he knows are evil actions, or if The Joker just loves Batman and would miss him if he stopped being there to punch Joker in the face. What isn't left ambiguous is that the Joker convinces Catwoman of this by the end of the story. Batman says, "We don't know what the Joker wanted but he didn't get it." And then Catwoman laughs because, literally, what he wanted was Catwoman to laugh. Of course his main agenda was to get Catwoman to not marry Batman. But that, of course, is why Catwoman laughs at Batman's suggestion that the Joker didn't get what he wanted.

So that's the story! The Joker does a horrible thing while saying shocking stuff to Batman and then nearly kills all the main characters before Catwoman finally gets the joke. And after all these words, I haven't really stated why this story didn't need to be told (aside from the fact that it's been told and we, as comic book readers, already understand that Catwoman and Batman will not wind up in a happily ever after (since, you know, comic books don't have an after! They just have an eternal almost now).

The reason the story did not have to be told seems to be because it made me uncomfortable. It really is an unpleasant read. I can see the regular Internet critics who hate Tom King right now feeling justified: "He's trying to write funny dialogue in a deadly serious situation! What a hack!" But it made me think, "Has this version of The Joker ever been done before?" Sure, the Joker's made readers uncomfortable by killing randomly. He's made people uncomfortable due to his unpredictability. And he's made people uncomfortable by trying to suck Batman's dick. But has he ever made people squirm because of the things he's saying in a way they shouldn't be said? And then I thought, "Am I the Joker?"

Example: the Non-Certified Spouse and I were watching season one of Project Runway Junior. When Victoria gets kicked out, she says, "It's been such a great experience being around kids that all share the same passion." And I said, "What? Masturbation?" At that point, the Non-Certified Spouse looked at me as if I'd just shit all over Batman's wedding.

I don't know. I guess I just can't defend my own premise. The Joker's actions are absurd. Batman's reaction and the way he lets the Joker lead him to defeat is absurd. Catwoman's blasé attitude to Bruce possibly being killed and then bleeding out with the Joker is absurd. Is this a retelling of The Sheriff of Babylon in microcosm? Is Batman Christopher? Is Catwoman Saffiya? Are they just caught up in an endless man-made natural disaster called Gotham?

At the end of the first half, The Joker tells Batman to head toward love because all else is chaos. But his whole point is to end Batman's love. Is it because the Joker's love is chaos? Is he, finally, admitting he doesn't love Batman at all? If that's the case, I might have to scrap my original premise that this story didn't need to be told. Because I've grown tired of the Joker as Batman's disgruntled and rebuffed boyfriend. The whole idea that the Joker loves Batman has become a parody of itself. I think the Lego Batman Movie finally put the fork in that one. You can't keep alluding to it if everybody begins stating it outright. But what if Tom King is saying, "No, wait. The Joker doesn't love Batman. The Joker actually does love murder and mayhem and chaos. The Joker loves those things. But what are those things without an audience? It becomes masturbation if there's nobody there to witness it. And so, in that way (and that way only), the Joker needs Batman. He needs a serious and grim and the opposite of absurd witness to the chaos." If that's what Tom King is saying (and I don't know for sure because I haven't asked him because every time I'm at a con where Tom King is signing, there's a picture of me warning security to keep me at least fifty feet away from his table (I mean, seriously, you tweet at a guy a non-insubstantial number of times that you'd like to suck his dick in appreciation of all the great stories he's told and you get blacklisted for it!)), you know what? Maybe this story did need to be told. But if he's not saying that, fuck him! Just kidding! I mean, seriously, if he's not into getting his dick sucked, he certainly won't be into full coitus! Maybe he's been hinting around that what he really wants offered is a hand job? Hmm.

Rating: If you'd read my introductory paragraph and thought, "Grunion Guy is really going to let Tom King have it by describing why this story shouldn't have been told," you're now finding out you were wrong. What you should have thought when you read my introductory paragraph was, "Grunion Guy really doesn't know how to write essays, does he?" Because I liked this story. It was awkward and uncomfortable and disgusting and all the things the Joker should be. But it still shouldn't have been told. Because I like my Joker crazy and violent and chaotic. This Joker knows way too precisely exactly how fucking creepy he's being. And if this version of the Joker sticks around, we're all fucked.

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Batman #13

Bane looks like he just popped a boner and he's worried Batman's going to feel it.

Since DC has been putting the name of the story arc at the top of each comic book, I should just leave the comics in the stack until I've got a full arc to read. It makes it so much easier to follow the action. And to remember what Catwoman said in her letter while reading Batman's letter instead of reading Batman's letter a month later and thinking, "Didn't I just read a Batman comic book with a letter in it? Was that this story?" Being old is like an adventure in a haunted wood! You can't remember which way you came or where you're going or if you pissed yourself. Also there are ghosts or something. I just realized I needed to make the 'haunted' part make sense.

Batman has finally entered Bane's water closet to confront him. All the pieces of Batman's plan are in place so it's time to set it in action and break Bane's back. Not that Batman necessarily needs to get that violent but he did tell Bane he would break Bane's back if Bane didn't give up Psycho Pirate. And I didn't watch eight seasons of Super Nanny without learning that you must enforce punishments.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller has taken this opportunity to sneak into the Batcave and steal a bunch of Batman's files. Batman mentioned this in the Justice League vs. Suicide Squad as part of his reasons why Amanda Waller is so terrible and corrupt. Surprisingly, Alfred doesn't shoot Amanda in the face with his shotgun. That seems like a mistake. She's more definitely more dangerous than The Joker.

I probably shouldn't be aroused right now.

Bane begins to beat the shit out of Batman while also psychoanalyzing Batman. Doesn't Batman get tired of people thinking they know him so deeply? The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Alfred Pennyworth. It has to be tiresome. While Batman lets Bane beat him up, The Ventriloquist waits for his moment. Bronze Tiger shoots up with venom. Punch and Jewlee pretend to be incinerated in the Crematorium. And Catwoman masturbates furiously as she watches a naked Bane suplexes Batman. That could be me just projecting. Catwoman might just be watching casually.

Bane decides to help Batman relieve his suicidal thoughts by sharing his Xanax with him. His Xanax goes by the name Roger Hayden aka Psycho Pirate. I've decided to no longer care if it's Psycho-Pirate or Psycho Pirate. I'm just going to choose to go dash free.

So who is The Ventriloquist going to pretend to be when he finally starts talking? Since this is DC, it would make sense that he'd be Bane's Daddy. But since Bane's Daddy was like the evil cum of a million murdering psychopaths or something, he'll probably do Bane's Mother. I probably could have phrased that better.

But just before that happens (it must happen soon because these comic books are only twenty pages!), Bane has a tender moment with Batman. It's not the tender moment I was expecting that usually ends with somebody spitting into the sink and grabbing the mouthwash, but it's still a tender moment.

Which Batman totally kills! Jerko!

"I want to break your damn back" is apparently the code for everybody on Batman's Suicide Squad to get moving. It's not as efficient or alienating as "I will blow the fucking bomb in your head, you miserable pieces of shit!" but it works well in its own way. Bronze Tiger rips a grate from the floor (either for escape or for Punch and Jewlee to return). The Ventriloquist does some vocal exercises. Punch and Jewlee discuss having children (which is way tamer than what I thought they would be doing on their way to incineration). And Catwoman stands up and says, "Bat?" Oh yeah! That seems pretty vital to the plan. Good job, Selina!

Bronze Tiger fetches The Ventriloquist while Punch and Jewlee cover themselves in fireproof bubble gum and escape the prison via the incinerator outflow system. And then Batman gives Catwoman permission to break Bane's damn back. Which she totally does and Batman comes in his pants. Probably. No, not probably. Almost certainly.

And Wesker's role is finally revealed.

I really wish Batman had let him bring his doll.

I know The Ventriloquist has usually been portrayed as having some kind of dissociative personality disorder but he really fits being way out on the autism spectrum, right?

Before leaving through the hole in the wall Catwoman blows with the explosives in the handle of her whip where Punch and Jewlee wait for them in a bubble gum boat, Batman decides to make sure that Bane comes looking for him later.

Batman's just fucking taunting him now!

Batman rewards his Suicide Squad in not much the same way Amanda never rewards hers. The Ventriloquist will be sent to a place where he can get compassionate care. Punch and Jewlee will go back to Arkham but with a monthly fuck pass. And Catwoman gets a kiss. And maybe more. I think her reward comes next issue.

There's an epilogue where Bane cries out for Venom. So, you know, he's going to be a huge problem later. I hope he also calls out for his suit next because I've seen enough of Bane's ass.

The Ranking!
+1! I should apologize to the Suicide Squad for suggesting a few issues ago that Batman's Suicide Squad was better at getting its members killed than the real one. I just wanted to denigrate Amanda's Squad and remind people how nobody ever dies on it and it really doesn't deserve the Suicide moniker. I knew at the time Catwoman didn't really kill Punch and Jewlee! I know, I know! I sound like an Internet nerd backpedaling on things they've previously said. But I pointed out right from the start that Catwoman was, in no way, going to wind up being an actual murderer. Batman also doesn't think she is and he's the World's Greatest Detective. I will stake my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader reputation on it, just like I staked it on Harvest being a vampiric Red Robin returned from the 30th Century to do the Teen Titans right by starting NOWHERE. And you all know how that turned out! I was right about it, right? Pretty sure I was.

Batman #12

For some reason, this cover seems particularly apt tonight.

For people reading this in the future, I should probably explain that caption. For people reading it tonight, stop tittering over people deriving pleasure from being pissed on! Trump isn't that kind of pervert! He derived sexual pleasure from watching prostitutes pissing on a bed which somebody he hated slept in! That's a totally different and way more specific kind of fetish! Oh, so my explanation to the people reading this in the future where we've stopped pledging allegiance on the flag and instead piss into the mouth of an idol of our God Emperor: tonight was the night Trump Supporters finally began demanding that news be verified.

Last issue ended with Catwoman flying off the fucking handle and apparently going against Batman's plan to institute a plan of her own. One minor goal of Batman's plan was to possibly enable Catwoman to escape the death penalty. The main and only goal of Catwoman's plan is to make sure Catwoman escapes the death penalty and life imprisonment as well. So who can fault her with going out on her own limb? Plus she's a cat. Going out on dangerous limbs is something they tend to do. Tom King's Catwoman is way more cat-like than Ann Nocenti's Catwoman who, like, owned a cat or something.

This issue begins with a letter from Bruce to Selina. Or, more probably, from Alfred pretending to be Bruce to Selina. I can't stand how these comic books keep tricking me into reading letters! This is supposed to be a post-epistle modern age! Batman's letter begins by hinting at an intimacy that The New 52 tried to deny for five years. But we all knew it was there, just under the surface, bubbling with seminal and vaginal juices.

I want to say it's weird that seminal means relating to semen and also strongly influencing later developments but, I mean, that's what semen does. So it makes sense even if everybody titters whenever they hear the word used earnestly.

Before continuing this comic book, I should probably apologize to Trump supporters. It must be so hard for them to hear me bash Trump when they thought that I was a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer. Obviously their opinions on me have to completely change when I'm suddenly so biased by the lamestream media. As opposed to, you know, the other option. Which is that I'm still a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer and that maybe they've made a huge mistake. So, you know, sorry about that.

This is definitely written by Alfred. He still thinks of Bruce as being fourteen years old. Plus, Bruce probably would have written "would of laughed and laughed."

Batman describes his parents as stuffed shirts who only laughed at things like hobos slipping on banana peels and small business owners. They were keen on the ridiculous because they lived life surrounded by order and societal rules. I guess that's why they would have found Batman so funny. "Look at him, Darling! Thinking he can change things without power and money! He's so cute beating on the symptoms of the problems instead of tackling the actual problems themselves! He's almost as funny as that broken-necked hobo we saw last week!"

Who does Batman think he is? The Comedian?!

This story arc is completely disappointing me! I thought it was going to be all about Batman's Suicide Squad. Instead it's a Harlequin Romance told in letters! I guess that's my mistake for thinking the title, "I am Suicide," was about the Squad instead of love. Fool me once!

In his letter, Batman acknowledges how stupid and immature his life as the Batman is. He says he wants to laugh too but his laughter died all those years ago when Alfred didn't get him the therapy he needed and instead enabled him to pursue this ridiculous crime-fighting course of action. Unless this is Alfred writing the letter like I forgot that I was pretending to think. Then it also makes sense that Alfred just slipped into writing in his own voice when he says, "I want to laugh too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?"

Then the letter really starts getting mushy!

Meanwhile, the story underneath the letters, is just Batman beating up Bane's guards as he climbs to the top of the prison and then dives into the bay and then swims with sharks. I don't know where he's going! I guess this is all part of the plan! Maybe Wesker is going to start throwing his voice and pretending to be Bane. Then he'll tell all of Bane's guards to kill themselves and they'll all be, "Sure thing, boss!" Because henchmen are dumbies.

I should probably describe the mushy part of Batman's letter. He says that he and Catwoman share something between them which keeps them from laughing at the ridiculousness of their adult choices. Then Batman goes on to really seduce Catwoman by describing his suicide attempt at ten years old. It's pretty hot and sexy if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, I'm not! But I am into the part where he points out God is a dick so the world needs a Batman. I would say Batman confessed to being an atheist but being an atheist in the DC Universe isn't logical. There's too much evidence that there is a God. Batman's even been to heaven!

Also, Batman's suicide attempt? He admits that it's still an ongoing project.

See?! Catwoman's not a murderer! She's a fucking liar! And Batman is the World's Greatest Detective! And I'm the world's Grandmasteriest Comic Book Reader!

In the letter, Batman states he's going to set Catwoman free because he always finds the truth. He sees in Catwoman the same pain that drives him toward death and realizes she's eager enough to lie about 237 murders in exchange for death's embrace and an end to her pain. So instead of giving her that, he's going to force her to keep living with the pain because it's what he wants and what he needs! And Bruce Wayne always fucking gets what he wants!

For some reason, Batman was fighting his way to Bane's "throne" room when I thought he was hiding just behind a vent. I guess he was elsewhere when Catwoman went crazy and betrayed him. Probably setting up the real plan that relied on Catwoman going crazy and pretending to kill Punch and Jewlee. See, the other reason Punch and Jewlee were critical to Batman's Suicide Squad was that they're jesters and clowns and tricksters. Which means they're pretty good at legerdemain and making it look like blood spurts from their neck when Catwoman attacks them.

The main reason the reader can assume that the plan hasn't gone tits up is because The Ventriloquist has yet to be crucial to the plot. And yet Batman pointed out he's the most crucial bit. Bane has spent years underestimating Batman. You'd think he'd, just this once, realize that he's underestimated him yet again! I think Bane suffered some brain damage from all the years he spent on Venom. Or maybe all the years he spent having his head smashed into bricks by Batman.

The Ranking!
+1! This story about suicide is so romantic!

Batman #11

If you are a regular reader of this blog, I want to congratulate you for being a jenius.

Last issue was wasted. All it did was reprint an old letter from Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne! I'd mention the story that appeared behind the letter but it was mostly just Batman repeating over and over again that he's going to break Bane's damn back if Bane doesn't do what Batman thinks Bane should do. How many times is Batman going to force me to say this: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Batman?!" Fucking spoiled brat thinks he deserves everything his way. I suppose when you get everything you've ever wanted as a child and your family is rich as fuck and you have a waiter assigned to personally take care of every one of your needs, you must think your parents being killed is the greatest disaster to ever happen to anybody ever in the entire history of the world. So now Batman thinks he deserves everything he wants even more than he did when he was just a spoiled rich little white privileged cunt. What a tosser!

Today I had lunch with my niece who just recently turned eight. Other people were there but since I'm apparently her best friend, my attention is attuned to her the entire time. At one point, she was showing me how her fingers were sticking together because she was eating her pancakes with her hands. Not that she was pointing out the cause and effect. I just did that as part of the story. She just thought it was fascinating as opposed to disgusting that her hands were covered in syrup. I held up my hand pretending that my fingers were stuck together as well and she exclaimed, "They are not! Your fingers are not unique!" I told her, "Oh yeah? One of my fingers is unique!" And she said, "Really? Show me!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed because I couldn't be the one to teach her how to flip somebody off.

That had nothing to do with Batman but it was at the forefront of my brain so there you have it.

Oh! I forgot that I began that first paragraph with the intention of saying how this issue is the one I was looking forward to! We finally get to see Batman's Suicide Squad in action! That's got to be more exciting than a sappy love note from Selina to Bruce. Especially since his team features Punch and Jewlee (I keep wanting to type "Jewelee" but, apparently, Rebirth Jewlee spells her name differently).

Although maybe I'm wrong because this issue begins with a flashback to when Batman caught Catwoman.

You could say, "Good job on killing all of those child murderers. I have one more that could use some killing. You may have heard of him?"

The narrative returns to the present so I can get some of that sweet Batman's Suicide Squad action. But first, a little more sexual tension full of bat boners and cat juices.

Being with a 237 times killer is probably a huge turn-on. I mean in the context of having killed child murderers! Also, having The Ventriloquist watch is probably a turn-off. Probably.

Apparently Wesker, the Ventriloquist, is the key to Batman's entire plan. Remember when ventriloquism was all the rage and everybody was using it in their gothic horror novels? Hmm, you probably don't remember the 18th century and I doubt you've ever read Wieland. But you probably remember how Superman used to solve about eighty percent of his problems with super-ventriloquism! I bet Tom King wrote this entire story thinking, "You know what hasn't been a key plot point in comic books in a long time? Ventriloquism! Get to work, brain! Don't distract brain, penis!"

Wieland also featured spontaneous combustion way before Dickens thought he was cool using it in Bleak House. Dickens was such a hipster dildo!

While Catwoman and Wesker sneak in under the prison and head toward Psycho Pirate's cell, Punch, Jewlee, and Bronze Tiger march right up to the front door. Bronze Tiger has the hardest job of them all: having to listen to Punch and Jewlee practically fuck each other in front of them with their cutesy banter.

Bane sends a guard to let them in for some reason. I guess Bronze Tiger applied for a visa to visit Santa Prisca.

Catwoman and the Ventriloquist have a little Breakfast Club moment as they crawl around under the prison headed to Cell Block D. Is this entire story just a rewrite of The Breakfast Club? Five strangers (Punch and Jewlee are technically one person) stuck in detention together facing off against a raging bull running the place with constant narrative shifts in power as the day progresses? Wesker is the nerd. Punch and Jewlee are the basketcase. Bronze Tiger is the athlete. Catwoman is the criminal. And Batman is the princess. It totally works.

Must Bane always conduct business from his toilet of skulls?

Catwoman decides to screw up Batman's plan (unless Batman's plan was for Catwoman to screw up his plan! But I don't think so because Batman allowed his penis to distract his brain). So instead of rescuing Psycho Pirate while Bronze Tiger distracts Bane, she drops into Bane's "throne" room to reveal the entirety of Batman's plan. Which, basically, amounts to Batman breaking Bane's back for revengesies. Oh, and also getting Psycho Pirate to help Gotham Girl. Although that's beginning to sound a bit like Bush's WMD excuse for invading Iraq which he just wanted to do anyway. You know, for revengesies!

Catwoman slices Punch and Jewlee's throats and steps on Bronze Tiger's face. If Punch and Jewlee really die (which, I can't see why they shouldn't, being the perfect kind of D-list villain fodder for Batman's Suicide Squad which the actual Suicide Squad never remembers to put on their team) it means Batman's Suicide Squad has been more aptly named than any of Amanda's since The New 52 began. Catwoman offers Bane knowledge on how to break the bat if he'll give her a plane and money and help her disappear. That could also be part of Batman's plan because he really wants her to be free. But I don't think killing Punch and Jewlee would be part of his plan. Even though Catwoman actually kills them, I'm fairly certain that planning somebody's murder is one of the few rules Batman would follow in his Here Are The Various Reasons Why That Person's Death Was Not On Me Rulebook.

The Ranking!
+1! Fine. Here's my confession: I actually like this more violent, desperate Catwoman. It's way more catlike than the whole steals but doesn't kill thing! Cats are fucking murdering monsters! It's part of the reason I love them so much.

Batman #10

Batman's Suicide Squad has a better team composition than all of Amanda's squads since The New 52 began.

Batman has decided that he wants something that Bane has. Batman doesn't ask Bane politely. He just tells Bane that he's come for Psycho Pirate and if Bane says anything other than "Oh really? Great! Here you go! Enjoy!", Batman is going to take Psycho Pirate anyway. How is that acting like a superhero? I know Batman needs Psycho Pirate for a good reason. But it's his good reason versus Bane's good reason for keeping Psycho Pirate. Does Batman care about why Bane needs Psycho Pirate? Of course not. Batman lives in a world where whatever Batman wants, the world can go fuck itself while Batman gets it. And today, to Bane's up and coming regret, Batman wants Psycho Pirate.

While Batman is flying to Santa Prisca with his Suicide Squad, he's also reading a letter from Catwoman. I don't think he's actually reading it while he's flying the plane into Santa Prisca. It's just a narrative device where Tom King has decided that the reader needs a little background information on Catwoman and why she murdered 237 people. Spoiler: she actually didn't. I don't know for sure that she didn't but, come on! Even if she admits to it in the letter, she's admitting it for her own selfish reasons! I will stake my left testicle on it because my left testicle is the one I don't use. Also, if she turns out to be a murderer, I was only kidding about the testicle. I use it all the time and I'm not giving it up.

On the second and third page, Selina admits in the letter to the murders. "Why I killed them," she says. "Why I killed so many of them." But remember what I said! She's lying! She has to be lying or else Batman will never put his penis in her vagina and butthole and mouth ever again. And that is not a DC Universe that I want to read about.

I did Batman gather together a Suicide Squad if he's going to battle Bane's entire army all by himself?! He must be the distraction. Or he just needs to be on the inside when his plan goes into action.

As you can see from Selina's letter, she knows Batman's identity. So at least Rebirth got that much right! Plus having the reader believe Selina has murdered so many people helps them forget that she was written by Ann Nocenti. Then when they discover she didn't kill anybody, they'll be relieved and it will just seem like Batman and Catwoman are right back to their relationship they're expected to have.

Batman is captured and brought before Bane where he fractures the Bat's back. He would have broken it but he's not on Venom anymore. Also, he may have just realigned it. It's hard to tell from the visual. But I don't think realigning makes that loud of a KKKRAAAKKK. Bane then drags him to a hole in the floor and tosses him in. This is probably where the plan begins!

Selina's letter explains that the orphanage in which she grew up was bombed by a Khandaqi terrorist organization called the Dogs of War. She explains that they had 237 members and that now they had none. So apparently she killed all of those terrorists because they were child murderers. Okay fine. Who cares if she killed all of those people then? Not me! And I bet not Batman either! He might not kill but he has a way of turning his back on the right people being killed by the other right people!

Down in the cell, Batman realigns his back because it wasn't fractured, just severely dislocated. He escapes the pit and heads off to let Catwoman and the Ventriloquist into Bane's Prison Fortress. The entire while, he's reading that letter. Or remembering it. Or it's just that damned narrative trick to get the reader inside of Catwoman's head and to understand that Batman and Catwoman have shared romance and probably more. But it also expresses Selina's reasons for why it never works, not for long. But she hopes she's wrong.

I don't know if she can be wrong if she murdered 237 people! Even if they're terrorists! I mean, Batman would still probably have a relationship with her if she promised to never slit another throat. And I'm sure she could promise that. But can Batman promise to never make her feel badly for having murdered 237 people before he met her? A lot of guys couldn't handle that! I mean, 237?! Christ! I've barely murdered four!

The Ranking!
+1! I like that Catwoman's past is told through an epistle. It ties this story to her Valentine stories which, although not quite as Catwomany as I would have liked, were still the best Catwoman stories of The New 52. I'm also glad for the hints at a past romance between Batman and Catwoman, intimate enough that Catwoman already knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne. That's something that was missing from their relationship in The New 52. Batman not telling Selina his identity while he knows hers makes for a imbalance of power and trust that destroys any belief that they're truly intimate with each other. Fuck the 237 murders as long as I can have these two back to playing at whatever they're always playing at!

Also, I'm sure she's lying about murdering those people! It's not like any of those murders have appeared on panel yet, right?! She probably knows who did the murdering but Batman thought it was her and she loves him too much to tell him he's not quite the World's Greatest Detective.

Batman #9

Batman falls for Bane's Skull and Marshmallow Fluff Trap. No wait! I should have made a toilet of skulls joke! Dammit!

Remember when Lex Luthor became president? Just sayin'!

That previous sentence wasn't about this comic book! I just wanted to be clear because I'm sure some people read it and thought, "That's Bane on the cover, dumb-dumb! Not Lex Luthor!" I even mentioned Bane in the caption but the imaginary people I imagined didn't read the caption that closely which is why they were probably confused. I should probably stop imagining imaginary people since the ones I imagine are always so unbelievable. Mostly because over half of them had huge cocks.

Hey! Are we all glad the Monster Men story is over? I'm talking to the adults here! I know you youngsters love a good monster story, especially if it contains a few scenes of Spoiler pining over her dead beau and a few panels of Nightwing's tight and probably puckered asshole. I bet he doesn't even have any hair down there. Which probably means no dingleberries unless he's using really cheap toilet paper that manages to split and ball up just from the texture of the sphincter! Anyway, the adults are probably glad that they aren't reading a stupid monster story that didn't have any references to Shakespeare at all. At least I don't think it did. I don't remember any Kaiju in any of Shakespeare's plays. Although I never read Richard III, so I can't be completely positive there weren't any. Also, the Monster Men story might have been a rewriting of that one play where that one guy with the tiny dick didn't like the other guy with the big dick and so he psychoanalyzed him to death. Was that the plot of Titus Andronicus?

Anyway! Now is the time for the story we have all been waiting on pins and eggshells for: Batman joins the Suicide Squad! Oh man! My dick would be so hard right now if that had been a sexual statement! Instead, I'm just really excited to read this story!

"The only thing that can quiet the screams now is...a blumpkin!"

Bane has traded Hugo Strange a bag of monster creating beans for Psycho Pirate. Although isn't it Poison Ivy and Mongul who are doing the Jack and the Beanstalk story over in Trinity? Anyway, Bane decided Psycho Pirate could be his human Xanax prescription. Also probably Viagra. But Batman also wants that prescription for Gotham Girl! And I don't think Batman is the kind of guy who goes into a meeting with Bane with peaceful negotiations in mind. So poor, miserable, depressed Bane, who is only a product of his environment and nurturing (which were both awful and/or non-existent), is going to get his ass beat by a rich, privileged white man who had every expense at his disposal to soothe the pains of his youth.

I haven't even gotten to the Batman part and I think I'm already resenting him! Leave poor Bane alone!

Batman tells Alfred that he's going to join the Suicide Squad for a few issues and Alfred pretends to be surprised that Bruce is making an awful decision. Then Bruce lifts up the bust of Shakespeare to open the television entrance to the Batcave (I guess the clock entrance to the Batcave was cemented over. That revelation will be in All-Star Batman! I just know it!) so he can go get changed. Man! This story is already one times better than the Monster Men story because Shakespeare! I told you this was going to be an adult story!

Batman's first stop in his quest to save Gotham Girl is Arkham Asylum. He needs to visit Arnold Weskler, the original Ventriloquist. He's given up his buddy Scarface and become a model inmate in the asylum. Which is probably why Batman needs him for his Suicide Squad! Everybody needs a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet to fill the most important role on the team! That role is a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet who can die. The Suicide Squad always needs hit-eaters!

Weskler agrees to be on the team. I wonder whose ass he's going to put his hand up? What else is he good for?!

As Batman, Jeremiah, and Gordon walk to the next cell to recruit the next member of the team, they pass by cells containing Kite Man, Calendar Man, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and some guy named Mayo. I can't be bothered to remember the secret identities of all of Batman's foes! They also pass by a cell with a blonde woman who makes the Legion logo in the fog of her breath on the glass. So there's a Legionnaire lost in time inside Arkham? I guess that's where you stick people raving like lunatics that they've actually time traveled!

Another member of Batman's Suicide Squad is the clown girl who must be The Joker's Daughter since Harley Quinn is living in New York. Or on the real Suicide Squad. It's hard to tell sometimes! Another member is the spy and I guess that's Bronze Tiger! Not the stupid ass Bronze Tiger who appeared in Red Hood and the Outlaws and had the head of a real tiger! No! This is the good old fashioned Ben Turner from Ostrander's Squad! I keep wanting to call Ostrander's Suicide Squad the original Suicide Squad but then stop myself before nerds jump down my throat to correct me. But we all know Ostrander's Squad is the original modern Suicide Squad, right? He's in Arkham on vacation or something because Batman is glad to see him and he's happy to see Batman. Blumpkins all around!

Apparently the clown girl isn't The Joker's Daughter and I'm more relieved than you know! Unless you've read every single commentary I've written featuring The Joker's Daughter. Then you were probably thinking, "Oh boy! Tess sure is going to be relieved when he finds out he's wrong about The Joker's Daughter!" And I would then respond, "I wasn't wrong, jerk! I'm never wrong! I was just thinking out loud!" No, the clown girl is Jewlee! Of Punch and Jewlee fame! I've been hoping that they'd wind up on the Suicide Squad again! I'm so happy that Batman is recruiting them. He's way better at this than Amanda Waller! So far, two out of his three picks don't have popularity immunity to death!

And Punch as well! Another member who might die!

Punch drugged Gordon and took his place hoping to get his hands all over and up inside Jewlee. But Batman figured it out because he's a genius! And he needs Punch because Punch escaped from Santa Prisca prison to get back to Jewlee. So Punch can get them back in!

That leaves one more member of Batman's team! A member so dangerous that Jeremiah Arkham is shitting all over himself in an attempt to convince Batman that letting this inmate out would be a bureaucratic nightmare! Also possibly a bloodbath in Gotham if this inmate gets away from Batman's side. It's The Joker, right? It's got to be The Joker! I can't see how it's going to be anybody else! It has to be The Joker! I mean, it could be somebody like Amygdala or Sumo because they're big, muscular idiots who could help take on Bane. But everybody is being so mysterious, it has to be somebody way more shocking than those jerkos! Like the Joker! See how Joker is an anagram for Jerko! It's a sign!

What?! This doesn't even make sense! Those Watchmen really screwed up this timeline!

After thinking about it for three seconds longer than it took me to write the above caption, which would I rather have? A Selina Kyle who has killed 237 people or a Selina Kyle who had been written by Ann Nocenti for a number of years? I mean, let's face it. The one who's into murder is way less tainted.

The Ranking!
+1! Let's face it: Selina Kyle hasn't killed anybody. This is just one of those "Let's Shock the Shit Out of the Bat-Cat Shippers!" moments. Seriously, Batman could never justify fucking a murderer, especially one of that magnitude! I mean, he can justify fucking her once and then pretending that he didn't know she was a murderer! But Bruce and Selina have one of those relationships that DC will never totally abandon. I mean, they might have for a few years where they seemed to be suffering from a stroke because what else explains giving Ann Nocenti full control of Catwoman?! But this is Rebirth! Rebirth is all about giving shippers what they want! It's right there in the title: Rebirgiveshipperswhattheywantth! See? You probably didn't notice but now that I told you, you'll never not see it again! Anyway, Batman probably barely even needs her to help break into Santa Prisca prison! This is just a good excuse to get her out of Arkham where she doesn't belong because Batman knows she didn't murder all of those people. It was probably just Cat Tuberculosis or something! And once she's out of Arkham and the mission is over, Batman will be all, "Whoops! She got away! Darn it! Poo! I'm so disappointed with myself! No that isn't a boner in my pants and I'm sorry but I really have to go meet somebody on a rooftop now!"

Batman Rebirth #1

The Review!
I don't actually know if I like this book because I haven't read it yet. I really hope to like it. I go into everything with the expectation that I will enjoy it. Okay, not everything but then I don't count comic books I don't enjoy simply because I read all of DC's books, good or bad. So some of those I know I will hate. Although I do often pick up the newest Scott Lobdell book and think, "This is it! This is the one where Lobdell finally brings some passion to the characters! This is the one that will drive me to apologize to him for all of the nasty comics fueled by hours of reading his inane drivel!" Usually if I know I don't like something, I simply avoid it. I have no need to attack things I don't like simply because they're there. You know, like gun lovers who follow gun control tags on Tumblr. What fucking Douchéstorks those twerps are. Real lack of self-esteem jerkbros! Anyway, I feel like the majority of people who feel the need to express their opinions have replaced critical thinking with simply hating on shit. They think that deconstructing a work means pointing out why it's gross and problematic. I always felt one of the best times to deconstruct something was when it seemed inexplicable or terrible. That's when you pull out your Deconstruction Toolbox and get to work asking the question, "How can I find the silver lining in this?" Too often people just conclude something is trash because they initially didn't like or understand it. Or, and the internet has made this a widespread phenomenon, people simply react to a thing based on the reviews and word of mouth they've heard and/or read about that thing. No matter how entertaining it is when I tear out the asshole of a shitty comic book, just know that I'd much rather be enjoying the book. Also try and notice that I'm not above acting like something I'm thoroughly enjoying is garbage, if I think what I'm writing is funny. What I'm trying to say is my reviews should not be depended upon and are barely reviews anyway. Take this first paragraph as an example. It has nothing to do with Batman Rebirth #1! And my next paragraph isn't going to get us any closer to beginning the book either!

The Commentary!
It's that time of year here in Portland, Oregon, where I can once again enjoy reading comic books outside! I practically have to because I live on the top floor unit of an older house and the attic has no ventilation system. So it fills up with hot air so that the entire place is sweltering well into the wee hours. I often lie on the couch sweating profusely pretending that I have the flu so that something makes sense. The owner and property manager have ignored all of my yearly requests for a ventilation system in the attic. One day, I will burn those motherfuckers.

Tom King is the new writer on Batman and I'm pretty fucking excited about it. Not only because The Omega Men was my favorite DC Comics book from the last year (which reminds me! I still have to read the last issue! But first, I must read the Afterbirth books!) but because Tom King doesn't clutter up his comic books with fucking Narration Boxes! He lets the art tell the part of the story that the art is there to tell! Some people enjoy Narration Boxes but I think they're crutches for idiots who need everything spelled out explicitly. "Not knowing what Batman is thinking is too ambiguous for me! Tell me exactly why he's doing that thing he's doing! Don't make me interpret the story with my own mind! The universe has meaning!" Bah!

The issue begins with Alfred out picking avocados when Duke Thomas stops by to inquire about the Robin opening.

That's Alfred's serial killer hand! This is symbolic! It's picking the forbidden fruit! I think it's mostly forbidden because do avocados grow on the upper East Coast?

It's spring and Batman is battling Calendar Man because the issue is going to go through the seasons. That's also symbolic! Calendar Man isn't the generic guy obsessed with the calendar like he usually is. Is he usually like that? What the fuck is his gimmick anyway?! He always knows when the armored car visits the bank? He never misses a television show he loves? He never has to look stupid asking somebody, "What day is this?" According to Who's Who, he picked the calendar theme because his name is Julian Day. I mean, not really, but that's what I got out of it. Anyway, I think maybe Calendar Man is still the generic guy obsessed with the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking. How different could his gimmick get?!

Later it's summer! The perfect time of year to do one-handed pull-ups hanging from a helicopter pad hundreds of feet in the sky! I wonder if Superman is ever jealous that Batman's alter ego is a sexy motherfucker constantly getting laid while he chose a clumsy journalist who seems to be a closeted homosexual with a thing for Superman, judging by his op-eds.

Did I forget to mention Bruce is in tiny, tight-fitting shorts?

Lucius has managed to recover Wayne Enterprises from the government which seems like a good time for Bruce to almost realize he's a character in a seventy year old comic book whose stories get repeated every generation (with a modern update) for a new audience. I'm forty-four years old so I can barely watch most television sitcoms or movie comedies now because they inevitably draw from old jokes that I've heard many times before. But I guess they're not for me. They're for the younger people who have yet to hear all of this same old shit. But that's why I adore great writers who don't draw from the easy well of recycled material. Give me a new take on something and I'll suck your dick any time you come to Portland for a convention! Figuratively, of course! I meant it figuratively!

Probably.

Come fall, Calendar Man has his winter face on. See?! I knew he wasn't the same old gimmicky moron! I was like, "This is a modern comic book! No way can anybody get away with a Calendar Man who simply changes costume based on the season! Or commits crimes based on the days of the week (however that works)! This is a cosmic Calendar Man! A mystic Calendar Man! A Calendar Man that is in inextricably linked to the seasons!" According to Bruce, Calendar Man is speeding up the seasons. Um, what? Does that mean he's sped up Earth's orbit around the sun? Because that's the only way that's going to happen! I won't accept any other comic book reason for how it was Spring on Monday and Fall on Wednesday! That's just...well, it is a comic book. I suppose I can accept whatever it tells me. I mean, the cover has a guy in a bat mask, for Christ's sake.

Batman has a new suit for Duke Thomas. It's bright yellow so I'm guessing he wants Duke Thomas to patrol the city with him as a bullet magnet. Duke is all, "Cool!" Dum-dum!

Duke's first job as Batman's new Yellow Canary partner is to count to two hundred and forty. I hope he can do it!

Not only does he do it, he counts one hundred numbers over his target! Whoa!

Batman destroys Calendar Man's Super Season Machine while holding his breath for six minutes in freezing cold water. Calendar Man changing seasons without changing the Earth's orbital speed around the sun? No way do I buy it. Batman doing the impossible? Totally buy it! Batman rocks!

Calendar Man molts every winter and returns better than before. Duke asks how he and Batman can keep up with that kind of advantage! Batman doesn't say, "Look. He's fucking Calendar Man. He started as such a super shitty villain that he's going to have to Rebirth millions of times before he can even hold a candle to the Jeezlycrow Batman!"

The issue ends with Alfred discarding the forbidden fruit into the Bathole. See! I knew it was symbolic! The fruit is rotten because Calendar Man forced the change in seasons and the tree didn't have time to make a proper avocado! Much like the editors at DC forced things too quickly with The New 52 and had to eventually throw it all away! Maybe!

This issue isn't subtle with its meta-textual commentary on Rebirth and comic book companies' penchant for rebooting. Endless cycles repeating, characters being reborn and updating to be a better fit with the times, seasons passing in days because only twelve comic books come out in a year! Maybe that last one doesn't have anything to do with rebooting. That's just the weirdness of time in comic books. But it still manages to comment on time and continuity within comic books. Continuity is impossible to keep straight when you have six month story arcs where only a few days pass in one comic book while another comic book has three stories in the same time with many months passing. Time in comic books is fucked and if you're so die-hard that you have to make it all work, you're eating rotten avocados. Just let it go, man. Let it fucking go.

Superman #52

Fucking Lois! Stop making everything about you and your scoop! You're putting people's lives in danger for your stupid story!

The Review!

The Commentary!
I've changed my mind about waiting to read Rebirth! I'm going to read it after reading this, Lois and Clark #8, and Justice League #50. I doubt it will spoil any of the other New 52 books coming to an end. And if it does, I'm sure I already have those endings figured out, being that I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and all. I'd also like to get all of these read before the night is over, so I should probably just write about the comic book and not write about how I'm going to read the comic books. Especially since that information was so fucking boring.

New 52 Superman is currently engaged in the final battle of his life. Unless he gets to live to die in Rebirth. Or maybe he'll get to move on to Comic Book Purgatory with all the other failed characters who never had a chance. Some of them failed due to being stupid, while others (like New 52 Superman!) were written so poorly that the only merciful thing to do was to take them out behind the barn and shoot them in the face. The death of New 52 Superman is squarely on the shoulders of Scott Lobdell and Eddie Berganza.

The first half of this comic book is simply Superman and Impostor Superman punching each other while Imposter Superman continues to claim he's the real deal. I'm not sure the reason for this whole ex-con turned into Superman plot point. How does it relate to Doctor Omen and Chinese Superman and Superman's new power and the New Death of New 52 Superman? I suspect it's to set up the eventual return of New 52 Superman, just in case he needs to be brought back for some reason. If his FWASH Power releases sentient energy that is basically his memories and his personality, it can be used at a future point to return New 52 Superman to life. I don't know why anybody would want him back though. The DC Universe has plenty of Supermen to choose from and most of them are much more interesting than New 52 Superman. I'd rather have Electric Superman!

Impostor Superman beats up Superman and Supergirl and Wonder Woman and even Batman! But New 52 Superman isn't giving up the way he's already given up on trying to find a cure for his Kryptonite poisoning. He decides a good idea would be to take Impostor Superman into space. You know what? I have a better idea! What happened to Superman's usual go-to plan of throwing every problem into the Phantom Zone?!

New 52 Superman can't quite keep Impostor Superman in orbit so Preboot Superman arrives to lend a hand!

And maybe a dick? Is this position in the Kama Sutra?

Once they're all in orbit, New 52 Superman punches Preboot Superman in the face in the way Kryptonians apparently do to friends and new acquaintances. Somehow weak-ass dying New 52 Superman still has enough strength to knock out super, overpowered Preboot Superman with one punch! As a comic book nerd who is really fucking picky about what I will and will not believe, this strains the credulity of my comic book logic receptors! Have some internal consistency, comic book! In my version of this scene, New 52 Superman's hand would explode in a bloody, bony mess while Preboot Superman said, "What was that? I think a piece of paper hit me in the face!"

New 52 Superman uses his FWASH Power at the same time that Impostor Superman explodes from whatever chain reaction he was undergoing. New 52 Superman absorbs the explosion and plummets to Earth. But he doesn't die yet because Preboot Superman catches him so he can die in a more dignified way in Rebirth. Probably.

No wait! He gets to die here! He says goodbye to everybody and then turns into a man-shaped pile of ashes. I hope somebody remembers to throw those ashes into the sun so that Lex Luthor doesn't gather them up and turn them into something really entertaining.

After Superman dies, there's an epilogue showing a bunch of supporting cast members and their reactions to his death. Noticeably absent is Shay Veritas, Omniologist! And Krypto! Lois gets a full page because she's now writing Superman's biography. I wonder if DC Comics would let me write that! I know I could do it because Lois Lane is an awful writer and I've had loads of practice writing terrible things!

Superman #51

Why name your new group the Super League when the Super Friends currently isn't being used?! Also, what's with the '1' in the shield?

The Review
I guess this is the final Superman story before Rebirth because it's about Superman dying. That's not a spoiler because the first page is just Superman's face while he says, "I'm dying." That's the story! It's Superman coming to accept his mortality. He does it all wrong too. He gets angry but not because its not fair that he's dying but because he won't be able to save people. Like New 52 Superman cares about saving people! If he really cared, he would have let himself die years ago! Instead he's been a constant threat to Earth due to mind control, contracting the Doomsday virus, being turned into a magical slave, being controlled by the Joker, accepting Rao as Earth's Lord and Savior, and being fueled by Apokolips energy! I'm pretty sure I've forgotten some too! I'm glad Tomasi is handling this story because this first chapter comes off nicely, if a bit melodramatic with all the boo-hoo Superman is dying bullshit. I hope when all is said and done, he gives Batman the pleasure of killing him.

The Commentary
It's nice to see Tomasi's name on the cover of Superman this month but if Berganza is still the editor, I don't have any hope that the comic will suddenly be better. Now that the Truth story arc is over, I'd like to repeat that is was terrible. It was so terrible that I'm not even going to make up some kind of hyperbolic metaphor for how terrible it was, like seeing your grandmother, naked, eating a pile of dog shit. But I would like to remind everybody that there were actual comic book reviewers who love to get Warm Fuzzies from the mainstream publishers who defended the story, who championed the story, and who contorted all logic to support their ignorant and shitty opinion that the story had any redeeming qualities at all. It did not. It was terrible. No, no. It was turribal.

But comic books being what they are, we can now pretend that the Truth story never even happened! Because we've got a new writer and we're headed in a new direction. I hope!

This is the first fucking page. Page two had better be Superman with a big grin finishing his thought with "...for a triple chocolate milkshake!"

The second page is combined with the third page for one big panel that confirms Superman is dying. That makes two panels in the first three pages! Sadly, that isn't a record. I think Tony S. Daniels once managed making the first ten pages into one panel.

At least Krypto makes an appearance even if he's off to the side sadly looking on as his best friend determines why he's dying. The cause? One part Apokolips Fire Pits, one part Kryptonite Chemotherapy, and one part Beat Down by Rao. I guess this Superman is a combination of all those other Supermen who couldn't possibly have been this Superman at all. When the fuck did he have time to not have powers and yet still have powers for the Justice League battle with Darkseid? And I'm not sure I can suddenly pretend that the JLA comic book was taking place in the same universe as this comic book! This is just too much to wrap my head around! I suppose in a few years when all of these stories have been collected in trades and people can pick them up and read them in any order with no realization of the timeline they were published, it'll make more sense. Also, who really fucking cares?! I actually like this aspect of comic books where we can just pretend that everything makes sense if we really fucking want to. Mostly, fangenders never really want to. They just want to bitch and moan and whine and whinge on. But not me! I mean, at least not for long! I still like pointing out how stupid comic book continuity can be! But do I really give a fuck? No!

I'm lying. I really do care and I'm terribly pained about this right now.

On the other negative side, five pages in and the comic has delivered five panels of story! Woot!

Did I woot correctly? Are people still wooting? Is wooting still a thing? Should I have squeed there? Would that have been appropriate? Maybe I should have just meh'd all over the bed.

Idiot! You're raging against the dying of the light wrong! Who cares about the people you won't be able to save? You should care about how you'll never find out the ending to all of the serialized entertainment being produced!

Superman apologizes to Krypto for being so selfish and thinking about everybody but himself. That's selfish for Superman! Krypto is just worried that once Superman is dead, nobody on Earth will be strong enough to open his next bag of Krypton Kibbles.

I don't know why Superman is so worried about dying. The cover already reminded everybody of his go-to healing process! Just go sit inside the sun for awhile and you'll be good. I'm wondering why Superman hasn't visited Doctor Shay Veritas yet. She's a fucking Omniologist! She must know how to save his life! Because if it's a thing, she knows it! She knows omnithing!

Currently, Doctor Omen (who I'm going to immediately assume is Shay Veritas's nemesis and old college roommate) has discovered a way to access the Fortress of Solitude thanks to the damage it took during the merger with Stormwatch's Carrier (or Eye of the Storm. Whatever it is now) and the Justice League Watchtower. Superman detects the breach and decides to leave Krypto in charge of stopping it while he goes out and does some odd jobs.

Afterward, Clark decides to go flirt with Lana.

After they switch it up, Lana asphyxiates in space.

Clark tells Lana that he's dying and she doesn't tell him how to save himself. What use is she?!

Meanwhile some escaped convict from Shawshank thinks he's Superman. Is it time for another Reign of the Supermen story arc?

Later, Superman goes to see Lois Lane to ask her if she can write Superman's biography because Clark Kent won't be around to write it. I suppose if New 52 Superman dies, there's always Lois and Clark Superman left to take care of things. Plus that Superman who just escaped from jail. And probably a couple of electric Supermen somewhere. And a robot Superman. And a Superboy. And Supergirl. And Krypto. And probably Streaky and Comet and Beppo. The world should be fine!

Grayson #15

Is this Owlwashing Robins or Robinwashing Owls?

Just about every teenager in Gotham has decided that they're now a Robin. Probably one out of every hundred of them wants to make Gotham a better place. The other 99 are just Robin Scenesters that want to be a part of whatever the hell the We Are Robin movement is. It doesn't matter to me which ones are taking it seriously because the bottom line is that if somebody presents as a Robin, they're a Robin. Who gets to determine what's the right reason for dressing up as a Robin and running around at night pretending to be useful? I mean, who besides Damian, Jason, Tim, and Dick! And they only have the right to determine what makes somebody a Robin because Batman is on an emotional vacation with some woman named Julie Madison who is totally going to break his heart and awaken the bat within. But that won't happen for another couple of months so it's the Bat-kids who have to straighten out this Robin Revolution.

"First, let's work on making stupid and inappropriate comments while on the brink of death!"

Shouldn't Duke mention the weird perv who runs the Nest? I really think Alfred should be a part of this. And probably Batcow.

Dick has decided it's up to the original Robins to train all of these new Robins. He can't be serious! Surely all of these Robins aren't cut out for the job. He should let Damian punch all of them in the face before training begins so they know what they're in for. Not that they need to be prepared for being punched in the face. They need to be prepared for Damian wanting to constantly punch them all in the face and occasionally following through with his desires.

The first piece of equipment Robin School should invest in is a Lazarus Pit.

While Red Robin begins training the Robins in the art of Piñata Style, the comic offers up some flashbacks to when the Bat-kids were enjoying some hamburgers and making me super hungry for comic book hamburgers. They look so delicious! I wonder if I could get Mikel Janin to grill me some hamburgers. Would that be the same thing? Although I think their conversation is more important than the hamburgers. Dick's idea is to train the Robins so that they can see which ones are cut out for the job. Damian will scare the other ones back to their parents.

I hate to quibble but I always thought the summary of Robin was two words: child endangerment.

Jason Todd teaches some Robins how to steal tires off of cars. They don't have a Batmobile to practice on so they're sent to steal tires off of mob cars. That's less dangerous. I think. To get to the cars, the Robins all leap to their death off of a roof. Maybe jumping from a great height without dying was the first lesson Alfred Pedoworth taught them.

Granted, confidence is important. Although you know what other Robins had confidence? Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, and Troy Walker. RIP Dax.

Apparently I'm accepting these We Are Robin kids because I didn't need to look up Troy's last name (except to fact check that I came up with the correct name) and I remembered Dax was the one with the wrench and the Mohican.

Damian decides to point out that all of these kids are weak because they weren't born strong. That's a pathetic argument but then Damian is a ten year old who thinks he knows a lot more than he actually does. Dick disagrees with him politely instead of rolling his eyes and saying, "tt." Dick also points out that he wasn't born strong but had it given to him. The others think he's talking about how Batman gave him strength but he's probably alluding to how he was meant to be a Talon.

Izzy's got it! Being a Robin means getting beat to hell while saying stupid shit and asking, "Is that all you've got?!"

Dick battles Duke Thomas and finds out that Duke is almost as smart as Lex Luthor! He figured out that the original Robin must have been Nightwing and now this guy with no face must be Dick Grayson. It's a bit convoluted in that the main step in his logic is that "Nightwing looks like grown up Robin" but whatever. He's only one Lex Luthorian step away from realizing Bruce Wayne is Batman! Good thing Duke is only interested in being a Robin and not a member of the Justice League.

Red Robin and Dre go on an investigative mission, Red Hood and Dax go on a confidence mission, Izzy and Damian go on a suffering mission, and Duke and Dick hang out on a gargoyle together. The rest of the Robins are supposed to be training but they're probably just sitting around going, "Fucking bullshit. What does Izzy have that I don't? And fucking Dax, man?! So what. Fuckin' dick can change a tire. Big deal! This is bullshit."

It doesn't really matter what all the missions are because they're just all different ways to make sure everybody winds up in jail. Dick set everybody up so he knew they'd be safe while he figures out how to control this Robin Revolution and make it palatable for the Gotham Police and Commissioner Batman. The other Bat-kids might be pissed now but Dick needs them in jail with all of the other half-trained Robins. Dick Grayson really is a good replacement for Batman, isn't he?!

I wish I could come up with a good plan to stick my family in jail too!

Dick jumps off of the building leaving Duke to be arrested. He also mutters something about taking care of his family. Like how I'd like to take care of my family, right?! Also an Owl watches from the thirteenth floor of the building, wringing his hands and laughing maniacally.

Grayson #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you're into Robins then you'll enjoy this comic book. If you're weirdly into Robins like Alfred Pedoworth then maybe you should stop being a creepy motherfucker. Speaking of Alfred Pedoworth, he was the only thing noticeably lacking in this issue. The We Are Robin kids needed this moment where they're made "official" by the other Robins and brought into the Bat-family. But shouldn't Alfred have been monitoring this meeting? It's possible he's working with Dick in Dick's overall plan to get every Robin in history completely pissed off at him. That's probably why Batgirl wasn't a part of this; she's already gotten past being pissed at Dick and would have soured the bad mood (you know, by making it good! Maybe that's ripening the bad mood?). Now that every teenager in Gotham is in prison, Dick Grayson can do his job without interruption. Although if he thinks sticking Tim, Damian, and Jason in prison together while having Duke explain to them why they're there will somehow keep them put, he's got another think coming. Always the fucking optimist, isn't he? My guess is the jail cells at the Gotham Police Department are going to need to soon be rebuilt by Wayne Prison Construction and Skylight Repair.

Grayson #13

Time to start the seduction, Dick!

This issue begins with Dick Grayson naked. It's standard policy at Spyral to go over every inch of an agent who has an impressive and completely hairless body. During the exam, Helena assures Dick that Spyral cannot take control of his body via the Hypnos and they will work on preventing others from being able to hijack them. Lies! All lies! But Dick pretends to believe her so he can get Doctor Netz's hands out of his asshole already.

Agent One and Agent Thirty Seven have made up since they both had their asses handed to them by Agent Eight. They're back on missions together. This time they're after Tiger Shark. He's basically Mr. Burns in that episode where he sings "See My Vest."

If everybody knows Batman is dead, why is Gordon even bothering with the Honey Bunny Bat Armor?

The mission goes as easily as you'd expect when the bad guy is a guy named Tiger Shark whose entire goal is to fill his house with the skins and skulls of the most exotic and rare animals on Earth. Hopefully he'll somehow be shipped off to Belle Reve so he can die on a mission for Task Force X. He's exactly the type of villain they need to fill their ranks. He's even got enough of a personality to possibly keep him alive and turn him into a villain that everybody loves. The mission is easy enough that Dick spends most of his time speaking with Red Robin about Dick's new Spyral Nemesis, Agent 0 aka Luka Netz.

Red Robin has run a facial recognition program of his own creation to find that Luka Netz appeared in the background of a bunch of New 52 comic books over the last few years. Of course she wasn't really there! I checked! Too bad DC Comics doesn't have The Joker photoshop technology where they can break into my house and touch-up Batman #1 so that she's actually in the background in a cell! I stopped looking after that though so she might actually be in some Court of Owls scenes simply because, in those scenes, she'd simply be a black haired woman with an owl mask. She could be based on any old extra in a Court of Owls scene! She looks like she might be Lois Lane! Maybe she's just doing a lot of research on a Batman book.

Maybe Luka Netz is immortal just like The Joker!

Midnighter!

Meanwhile Helena calls a meeting with the heads of all of DC's covert organizations except for Checkmate because the meeting is to point out that she doesn't like Checkmate anymore. Any of the other organizations found to be helping Checkmate will be dragged out into the light by Spyral. Grifter is apparently one of the leaders of one of the groups. I don't know what groups still exist in the DC Youniverse but I'm sure they're organizations like Task Force X, Blackhawks, Black Razors, Stormwatch (which might just be the God Garden at this point), NOWHERE, AMMO, ARGUS, SHADE, The Crimson Men, and the Corvus Group. I'm probably missing a bunch.

Grayson drops a note to Midnighter to drop a note to the God Garden that something's afoot in Berlin so that the God Garden will open a God Door into Berlin causing Spyral to want to investigate which means Grayson gets his ticket to Berlin to seek out Luka Netz. The God Garden's agent is Ladytron. I don't think she matters. She's just a pawn with a nuclear uterus.

Midnighter has arrived to check out what Dick's up to but then just goes to a cafe for some cheesecake and coffee. Sitting at the cafe is Luka Netz reading some romantic twaddle! She's alerted to Ladytron, Dick, and Tiger who are battling each other in her secret lair.

Grayson #13 Rating: No change. This issue was rather flat after the previous couple of issues. Plus it forced me to read some Shelley. I didn't know it was Shelley when I began reading it but I did know that my brain was hurting. I don't really have much else to say about this issue. It was just one of those issues that was disappointing because it didn't compare to previous issues. It wasn't bad so I don't have any reason to insult it. That would normally fill up a few lines in the review summary. I guess you have to occasionally suffer through merely good issues if you want to keep reading a great comic book. Maybe if I'd met Tom King or Tim Seeley, I'd have endless amounts of praise for them and feel the need to attack anybody who criticizes them at all. But I haven't met them. And besides, those kinds of fans are fawning idiots and assholes without any clear perspective. I've met Scott Lobdell and I didn't let that sway my opinion on his writing ability!

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Grayson #11

Now kiss!

Lately, Dick Grayson has been killing spies from other covert organizations. Except it isn't actually Dick who's been doing the killing, as everybody knows. If you work in a black ops organization, you know that Occam's Razor can be thrown, carefully, out the window. It's turned on its head because disinformation is the main tool of the trade. So the most obvious conclusion is no longer the most obvious answer. The most obvious answer is the conclusion which the other black ops organization wants your organization to come to. So every single head of every single covert organization in the DC Youniverse who have demanded that Helena put a stop to these murders knows that Dick Grayson is simply a patsy. But they also don't care. If somebody wants to turn Dick Grayson into a scapegoat and Dick Grayson gets crucified, that'll probably end the murders of all the other spies anyway. And that's all that everybody really wants. Just a little peace and quiet and to not be murdered by some Dick Grayson look-a-like.

Currently, Fake Dick is beating the shit out of Agent One trying to get him to say aloud, "Dick Grayson is the traitor." But Number One is like the top spy ever (you can tell by the way he's called Number One) and he knows when he's being manipulated by a stinking Dick Grayson look-a-like. He'd rather die than betray Dick Grayson! No, wait, that's probably not why he's not saying anything since he kind of hates Dick right now. I think Agent One (Tiger to his friends) is just being stubborn and manly. Too bad he's going to be saved by the real Dick Grayson because being saved by an ex-Robin isn't manly at all. It's the opposite of manly which is a word I don't know because I don't think English has a word for "twelve year old male on the brink of puberty filling out a Dungeons and Dragons character sheet." I bet German has a word for it.

I bet Tiger is pretty embarrassed that he's losing a fight to Dick Grayson. Imagine how horrible he's going to feel when he finds out it's not even the real Dick Grayson! Although maybe that's more of a relief? At least you know the look-a-like probably never went by the name "The Boy Wonder."

That's because those pants don't fit right.

Dick Grayson's initial guess is that his look-a-like (that's such a poor word compared to doppelgänger, right?) is Clayface. That's a pretty smart guess! Being that they're in Italy and not Gotham though, it can't be right. My guess is that it's actually Dick Grayson's evil twin and this book is about to go old school soap opera on our chest and faces and a little bit in our hair.

Dick's speech to his look-a-like is particularly clever but since it spans two pages, any scan I make of it and resize to fit within the borders of my blog (hell, the pictures I size for Tumblr are still too big for Blogger (and most other people's Tumblrs since I expanded my main section's borders) will shrink the font down to a practically unreadable size. And then it just looks like I'm scanning in the pictures to admire Dick's face and muscles which I totally wouldn't do because I'm not gay for Dick Grayson. I'm not even College Gay for Dick Grayson. I need men who hit on me to have obvious flaws so I don't accidentally have sex with them.

Dick mentions how in these doppelgänger situations, just once he'd like the villain to be Killer Croc in a mask instead of Clayface. So guess what's going to happen twenty or so issues down the line? We'd better get a fucking Killer Croc in a mask story! Tom King and Tim Seeley have this writing shit under control and you don't set something like this up and not collect on the future payoff. I bet it'll be in the next annual, actually. And Dick will spend at least one full page just laughing his ass off. And I'll spend a full page calling myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and patting myself on the back.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Now I'm fucking pissed. I just read this page and now I'm steaming! I'm so fucking angry at everybody writing Superman and Batman and Green Lantern and...and...well, and just about everybody! You know, writing them like raging, humorless assholes who punch first and then punch later too! Dick Grayson has no super powers. He's not full of angst and rebellion and Daddy Issues and More Daddy Issues and sadness and despair and rage. He's actually enjoying fighting for justice and helping people. Go fucking figure. He's having a blast! Why isn't Superman like this? Superman cannot die. Why isn't Superman cracking jokes as he speed walks up to criminals trying their damnedest to harm him and failing miserably? Why doesn't Superman smile as he simply picks the villains up by the back of their underwear and hauls them off to jail? Why is Superman's life so fucking hard?! Dick Grayson is the only real hero in the DC Youniverse. Addendum: Dick Grayson and Maps are the only real heroes in the DC Youniverse. I guess Batgirl is having more fun too now that she climbed out from the shadow of Batman and moved across the river.

Fake Dick surprises Grayson by mentioning Barbara and Koriand'r. That kind of throws a wrench in his good times because now he knows this guy knows his friends and family. And Fake Dick has shown he doesn't mind killing to mess up Dick's day. So the joking might have to be put on the back burner for a little while. Now it's time to go Batman on this guy's ass.

Is he Jacques de Constamment, Acrobatics Teacher at Hadrians Finishing School For Horny Young Women?

Fake Dick begins questioning Dick Grayson's joyful, exuberant way of fighting and now I'm pissed again! Don't make him feel bad for being happy! Don't remind him that he couldn't think of anything funny to say when the Joker beat Jason Todd with a crowbar! How dare Fake Dick try to turn Grayson into a bitter old clone of Bruce!

Actually, Fake Dick is kind of funny too!

Is this the issue where people who hate that Dick isn't completely serious learn a lesson about why Dick's humor makes him a better crime fighter? I hope this is the issue that puts those people in their places! I bet those places are really boring and smell like sour milk. I bet those are places where people read things like Deathstroke and Twat Lobo and think, "Yo! Bad ass! Booyah!" I bet those are places where laughter doesn't exist! Man, I hate those places.

Fake Dick takes control of Dick's hypnos and begins telling him a bunch of garbage about how he's weak because he doesn't take anything seriously. Fuck you, Fake Dick! Not taking things seriously is my entire approach to life! It's why I hated Dick Grayson for years when he was whining and moaning on the Teen Titans. It's why, since coming back to DC at the start of The New 52, I discovered that I love Dick. He quickly became my favorite character because he enjoys himself! And Batman fucking respects him and--Goddammit--he looks up Dick Grayson! Batman fucking knows Dick was a better Batman than he could ever be because Dick wasn't compelled by an obsession to do the job. I hope Dick Grayson defeats this impostor with jokes!

I hope nobody quotes me out of context with that "I discovered I love Dick" quote.

Fake Dick says the magic word to shut down Dick Grayson and his hypnos. He collapses just as Tiger sits up and rips the hypnos from his eyes so he can see who Fake Dick really is.

Surprise! It's a girl!

Alia and Tiger have a chat that the readers are not privy to. The next scene begins with Tiger and Dick being debriefed by Helena. Tiger tells the story exactly how it happened right up until the point after he ripped out his hypnos. That's when he leaves his ex-partner out of the story and claims that Fake Dick was Maxwell Lord, head of Checkmate. At that point, Dick resigns. His mission has been over for awhile now and he has no interest in playing spy games where a bunch of spy organizations just continuously compare dick sizes. Plus, he's not all that enthralled by the thing where Spyral can make him do whatever he wants through his implants. Time to get Batman back on the horn and get the fuck out of Spyral and Hadrian. Dick calls Bruce one last time just to tell him that he's coming home.

The person behind driving Grayson away with this entire Fake Dick thing is--big surprise--Otto Netz's daughter, Doctor Netz. Doctor is a weird first name but whatever. And apparently she has a sister with the weird name of Agent Zero Netz. They're the ones really controlling Spyral and the reasons why Dick will probably be pulled back in. But first, Dick needs to tell everybody in Gotham that he's still alive! Nobody has to be sad anymore!

Not that anybody really seemed very choked up about Dick being dead. I mean, maybe one or two panels where a few people cried but not much more. I think he'll be met by mostly a bunch of shrugs.

Grayson #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The main problem with telling people that a comic book is the best comic book a company is publishing is that most people don't fucking care unless the book stars a character they're already huge fans of. It's why Marvel tends toward having a lot more super hero books in the top twenty. They have way more iconic characters, especially since their movies made a bunch of their B-list heroes into big names. And I'm not talking about the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm talking about Iron Man and those other Avengers that aren't Spider-man or The Hulk or the one with the hair. DC Comics has put most of their time and effort into Batman and Superman with the other Justice League members getting a bit of a lift but generally just when they're all together. So if I say, "Dick Grayson is the most entertaining DC comic on the racks right now," anybody not into Dick or Nightwing or Robin will just ignore the suggestion and miss out on a really great comic book. I hate that we comic book fans are so into following characters. I get why people like characters and choose to invest all of their time and money on their favorites. But I also wish that comic book fans would be more willing to branch out and pick up a book that's getting great word of mouth just because it's a good fucking story. I get that Grayson isn't quite in trouble in this case because Dick has his fans. But I hate that The Omega Men is so Goddamned well written and yet it's going to keep selling like shit because most people are simply going to scoff at it. And yet--and this drives me crazy--we will continue to buy a book with our favorite character in it for years even when it's a piece of shit! As fans, we need to stop blaming the shitty quality of comic books on the publishers and start looking in the mirror. But not my mirror. I do everything right! I supported Demon Knights and All Star Western while y'all were buying Ann Nocenti's shitvomit Catwoman and Scott Lobdell's puppy massacre Red Hood and the Outlaws. Please support this book and if you like it, just realize that The Omega Men is also written by Tom King. It might not be a coincidence that both books are killing it.