Friday, January 1, 2016

Daredevil #1

I really should be reading Vision over this comic book but I'm horribly out of touch with everything.

Here is what I know about Daredevil: he's a blind lawyer who lives in Hell's Kitchen who once banged Electra. Unless it was Electra who banged Daredevil. I just want to make it known that I don't care who the object of the banging was as long as there was banging. As far as the second person on the cover goes, I have no idea who that is. Daredevil's new sidekick, Stripes?

The first page explains everything the new reader needs to know about Daredevil. It says, "I am Matt Murdock. I am Daredevil." Oh, that was another thing I knew about Daredevil! I knew his name! He should go into court wearing a shirt with two big overlapping "M"s on it. Then he could wink to the jury and say things like, "Am I winking? I feel like I'm winking. If I'm not winking, imagine that I'm winking because I'm trying to wink and it really feels like I'm winking but I can't really tell, you know?" Then the hottest member of the jury will be all, "Oh yeah, buddy. You're winking!" If you couldn't tell by the way I wrote that sentence, the hottest member of the jury was a man and Matt Murdock was totally into it. He was all, "Matt Murdock? More like Matt More Cock, am I right?!"

I'm sorry if I've already offended any gay blind lawyers! And also I'm sorry if I've offended any DC Fangenders because, as you may have noticed, this is a Marvel book.

On the second page, Daredevil reminds me of the other most important thing about him! I can't believe I forgot about it because it used to be on every fucking cover of every fucking Daredevil book published when I was younger: he's the man without fear! Like Hal Jordan!

"Am I teabagging these thugs? Somebody tell me if I'm teabagging them! Is this how it's done?!"

Some gang working for some guy named Tenfingers have just thrown a kid named Billy Li (Billy's parents were obviously wise acres) off the Manhattan Bridge. You might be familiar with that name because it's in New York. New York is the universe where all of the Marvel stories take place. The reason I mentioned Billy is that Daredevil dove off the bridge to keep Billy from drowning. Now all of the gang members are worried that Daredevil has managed to waste their time and that Tenfingers won't be happy about it.

What kind of gang leader name is Tenfingers? It's not like it's something fucking special! I could be Tenfingers! Although I'm not because I wouldn't choose a stupid fucking name like that. I'd probably call myself One-Face or Two Kidneys! This is where a lesser comic would throw in something ridiculous at the end of the list, like Five Dongs or Four Testes! But I'm more refined than that and I'm trying to take my reviewing job more seriously in 2016. I want be more like other reviewers where I flaunt my intellect and writing skills and avoid being silly and whimsical. Save that shit for whenever it's more appropriate. Like maybe at a speech during your Godson's baptism or your best friend's marriage that everybody already knows is doomed to fail.

This is the part where Daredevil deals some justice outside of the courtroom!

I wonder how long it'll be until he battles Spider-man in a big mix-up?!

Tenfingers' gang is too numerous for Daredevil to deal with on his own so his sidekick helps out. His sidekick is invisible and his name, you know what. By saying his name, I'm going to tank this commentary right back down into Stupidville because nobody will believe me for one second that Daredevil's sidekick is named Blindspot. Ugh. I feel like I should call up Charles Soule's parents and apologize for the embarrassment their son has just caused them.

I probably shouldn't call Charles' mom because I don't even know if Charles Soule invented Blindspot. Asking Lord Google, it appears Blindspot is female and has been around for over a decade. I guess Charles Soule is just too clever for his own good. I bet he cracked himself up teaming Blindspot with Daredevil.

Shit, I don't even know if it was Soule's idea! For all I know, Daredevil and Blindspot have been lovers for over a decade! Although I bet they've both battled Spider-man!

Daredevil uses the masculine pronoun when admiring Blindspot's technique so I guess Daredevil's super-senses aren't any good determining gender.

I guess Daredevil used Blindspot's power to make everybody forget about him or something he did or the late age he was when he finally got laid.

Apparently Foggy is the only one left who knows Matt Murdock is Daredevil. And he's not happy about it because he can't use the information to get laid anymore.

It turns out Daredevil was protecting Billy Li because Matt Murdock needs Billy Li to testify in court against one of Tenfingers' lieutenants. Also Matt Murdock is now a prosecutor for the universe of New York. Is this where I'm supposed to get smart and start discussing how symbolic it is that Daredevil is a prosecutor rather than a defendant? Or do I write what I'm honestly thinking about which is how big is Daredevil's penis?

While Matt Murdock makes plans to bring down Tenfingers' gang, Tenfingers makes a plan of his own! Although is "kill everybody in my way" really a plan? That's just status quo!

Tenfingers still doesn't make sense because he's Twentyfingers! And that's Blindspot behind him so I guess this Blindspot is a guy.

I'm only reading one Marvel comic book (sort of! But I won't get into the sort of here because it messes up what I'm going to say next) so I'm not going to rate it. That would be a waste of time because it would be #1 out of 1 comic books! It's the best and worst Marvel book I'm currently reading! Although I have a feeling Tom King's Vision is way better. Stupid me! I should be reading that!

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