Sunday, January 10, 2016

Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

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