Teen Titans #14

Here we go again!

The Titans were shattered previously when some of them didn't want to follow Red Robin and decided to join Manchester Black. They shattered even more when Red Robin decided to help the murderer Superboy escape justice. But then they were kind of getting back together last issue when Red Robin convinced the Titans that Titans stick together no matter how stupid one of them is acting or how many laws a member breaks. So now they're instantly shattering again? Is that all this comic book wants to be? Teens bickering with each other before making up only to bicker some more? What happened to the first story arc which wasn't very good but at least had the Teen Titans becoming beloved heroes of New York. Why is that a horrible status quo? Why do heroes need to be hated by the people they're trying to help and protect? I think Eddie Berganza has a box full of three by five cards with one or two line synopses of each comic book he's editing to make sure writers are sticking to the plan. The Teen Titans' card must read "Teenagers have problems with authority and also adults so these characters should be totally unlikable." Notice how I spelled "unlikable" like an American instead of my preferred way of spelling it "unlikeable" like the British (and probably anybody else using English) because Eddie Berganza wrote the card and he's not British. I mean, I'm not British either but I don't have to try to accurately portray myself. That just happens automatically.

Last issue, the Titans were arrested by Alpha Centurion. On the plus side, the Titans were arrested for breaking into a prison and helping an escaped convict. On the minus side, Lobdell's version of Alpha Centurion has become a part of this comic book. On the super-duper I've-totally-been-betrayed-and-lied-to-by-DC-Comics-because-his-name-wasn't-on-the-cover minus side, Scott Lobdell is listed as a writer.

No, he wasn't right. You can't just make what he did right by having another hero say he was right. Fuck you, Lobdell and Pfeifer.

Red Robin decided Superboy was innocent and took the law into his own hands by keeping him out of the justice system. How would Batman feel about that? Batman breaks the law all of the time as a vigilante but ultimately he leaves the justice to the police and the courts. He didn't break Gordon out of prison in Batman Eternal even though he knew Gordon was being setup from the beginning, did he? No, seriously, did he? I don't remember! I'm fairly certain he didn't and I hope he didn't because my entire point rests on that being true! Red Robin should have left Superboy to the court system. So helping his friend wasn't right. It especially wasn't right because Superboy confessed to killing the Musliens! Red Robin was wrong in every single way! And now Alpha Centurion is telling Red Robin he did the right thing? Bullshit.

Every other time I've said I've hated Scott Lobdell before this moment was hyperbole. But I think I really do hate him. My heart grows dark. I've lost all faith in his potential. And I feel sad because I've now decided he's the absolutely worst person and nobody likes being his friend although some people pretend to be because he has enough X-men money to pay for lunch.

Don't forget how they were harboring a fugitive!

Red Robin blames the anti-Teen Titans sentiment on the anti-young vigilante movement happening in Gotham. Way to deny responsibility for your own criminal actions, douchebag! And not only that, he's only now weighing the consequences of involving the other Titans in his prison break. Most of them could be seriously fucked if simply by being arrested and fingerprinted. I guess that's a good enough reason to, once again, ignore justice and take matters into his own hands! Do whatever you want, Red Robin! If Batman taught you anything important, it's that you're above the fucking law! Being arrested is for bad guys! And "bad guys" is defined and determined by you!

Fuck yeah! Anarchy! Down with the system! Youth revolution!

Before this moment, Red Robin points out how the Teen Titans have messed up because they're kids who maybe don't know everything (except what's right! Remember, they know what's right! Not you!) and that sometimes they make it up as they go along. So basically he's telling the View Tube Reporter that the Teen Titans are going to do whatever they want no matter what anybody thinks about it. Sounds like the Teen Titans may as well be super villains.

So now we have Red Robin pointing out that the Teen Titans are doing the right thing (even thought they weren't). And since Alpha Centurion told Red Robin he was right earlier (even though he wasn't), I'm starting to suspect that maybe they're right! How did I not see it? Their actions have been totally justifiable in ways that can't be misconstrued at all! I'm such a dum-dum! Hopefully the judge will have been told eighteen different times that the Teen Titans were just doing the right thing so he can set them free without having to go to trial.

Or the Titans can just break out because fuck everybody! They'd be right to do so!

Stupid guard! Now the Titans are going to feel justified when they beat the shit out of you and break out of custody!

It must be nice, as a writer of complete bullshit, to be able to shift the blame from the Titans to a bunch of assholes who are against teen vigilantes. From this point on, the story will probably begin to ignore all of the wrong things the Titans did and concentrate on the irrational hatred growing among the horribly paranoid, ignorant, and angry populace of the DC Youniverse.

The comic book gets even worse when Spider-man...I mean, Doomed-man arrives to break the Teen Titans out of the prison vans taking them to prison. I mean a different prison than the one they broke into which is the one that houses the superheroes. I mean supervillains. Doomed-man is looking to save Wonder Girl because she once saw him naked and he liked it.

The Teen Titans decide to use this moment to escape rather than pay for their crimes. I can't blame them! Who wants to deal with consequences?! Fuck consequences! That's why I cheered about the youth revolution earlier! But the Titans don't just have to get past Alpha Centurion! They'll have to get past the entire Pax Galactica!

Goddammit! Enough with Scott Lobdell's pseudo-Roman space beings!

Lobdell was probably sitting around wondering why nobody was using the great Pax Galactica characters he created so he had to remind everybody that they existed. If they get popular enough, maybe they'll be used in a movie and he'll get some royalties! Maybe they'll even get action figures and Heroclix figures! Probably not though because they're ass.

Red Robin knows the Teen Titans can work together so he commands them to work together good! And they do! They do all of the working together there is!

Yes, by all means, please do the math. But do not try the science. Please do not science the shit out of Beast Boy's sudden and inexplicable increase in mass.

You know what? I think I know what happened here! I understand why the mix-up! Last time Straith appeared in Action Comics, he said, "Needless to say, I come in peace!" I pointed out how that wasn't needless at all! It was a very much needed thing to say! But he might still believe it's a needless thing to say so he didn't say it this time! The Teen Titans really could have heard it though because they don't realize he's come in peace. And that's why these kinds of misunderstandings take place!

Also they're trying to break out of police custody! That's probably a reason too.

After the battle, the Teen Titans teleport back to the Robin's Nest in Gotham City. They'll hide out there for awhile until everybody forgets that they're awful people and they can go back to being superheroes.

He's right there. He just turned on the television for you, dum-dum.

Lobdell must have had to write in the Red Robin goes off to fight the Robin War epilogue at the last minute and wrote the dialogue for the previous page without noticing that Red Robin was in the scene. Probably because he was jerking off to Power Girl's ass. From now on, I'm going to be like Power Girl! Whenever a whole roomful of people are looking in one direction at something, I'm just going to stand backwards and watch over my shoulder. Seems appropriate.

Teen Titans #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. This comic book is awful. It was awful before Scott Lobdell was asked to come back and now that he's back on it, it's awfullerest. I suppose the cover was meant for whatever Will Pfeifer had in store before DC Comics told him his book was shit and that the only way to make it better was to make it shittier. You do that math on that one!