Sunday, January 3, 2016

Batman Beyond #7

I was completely betrayed by the "The End" at the end of last issue. Because this doesn't look like "The End" at all!

"A New Dawn" sounds like the kind of thing people say when they awaken to hope. But who are the dolts living in this shithole of a future DC Youniverse suddenly excited to carpe diem the hell out of their lives? Most of the world is dead and Gotham will be soon! I don't know how it isn't already! Somehow Gotham has continued to exist for thirty years without any outside assistance. Am I supposed to believe that Gotham has always been a self-sufficient community without any kind of commerce with the outside world? Okay, fine! I believe it! Why do I ever question comic books on any kind of reality when their first and most important premise is that super-powered people exist? I think I'm the dolt!

The issue begins with Tim Drake dramatically proclaiming that Batman is dead. That would be a good place to end this series! I could just close the cover, put the comic book back in the mylar, and pretend that the series is over. They're giving me an out! All I need to do is crush my overwhelming need to finish reading this book and walk away! It's just that I also have this powerful belief that aneurysms are caused by denying yourself those things your brain is screaming at you to do. So for my own health, I'm going to have to finish reading this. At least it can't be as boring as Cyborg, right?

Tim is failing to rebuild the Batman Beyond suit with Batman's notes and schematics. It's only when he remembers Batman was a paranoid asshole that he discovers the secret to reading Batman's notes.

You have to be smart to work with Batman! How else can you run every sentence he says through this code while also trying to keep the Cluemaster Code straight in case he's using that and I'm sure he has an anti-Superman code he uses when that fucker is around. I usually can't even follow the explicit thing he's saying let alone try to decode it all at the same time! He must have some kind of visual cue for the Batfamily so they know when he's slipping into a code. Like staring angrily or staring angrily in a different way.

While Tim fixes the Batsuit, Matt McGinnis is scouring the Neo-Gotham underground for information. He's trying to find out where the cyborg arm of Green Lantern was created. Maybe he's trying to figure out where the battery for the Green Lantern ring is because it probably still needs to charge every 24 hours. And he can't become McGreen Lantern without a battery for the ring he stole. He learns it came from Metropolis but doesn't get any specific details. That's fine because who wants the story to move at a decent pace? I prefer to have 80% of my comic book wasted on characters asking questions that are never answered.

Tim rebuilds the Batsuit but he still hasn't gotten A.L.F.R.E.D. up and running. Has the comic book ever said what that stands for? The ALF part is easy: Artificial Life Form! But the RED has me stymied! Probably because I keep reading the ED as erectile dysfunction. Anyway, since the Alfred AI is still offline, Barbara Gordon is going to be his Penny One.

The new Batsuit works and Barbara is suitably impressed enough to ask Tim to live with her.

No wonder Gotham was such an awful place! The villains ruined everything fun about life: cats, jokes, riddles, puppets. Okay, maybe not puppets.

Tim tests out the combat capabilities of the new suit by finding some Jokerz to beat up. Everything goes well and the Joker he knocks off a motorcycle at full speed doesn't die because he's Batman! He doesn't kill, remember? And knocking people off motorcycles isn't that dangerous if you know exactly where in the head to concuss them with a batarang! Duh!

Tim moves in with Barbara and her cats, Dick and Not Dick. That must be their names, right? It's awkward because Barbara has gotten old while Tim gets to remain young. That has to be annoying. I bet most people wouldn't mind if a virus suddenly destroyed everybody younger than the age they currently are so they wouldn't have to be reminded that the world goes on without them. Especially the babies. Not that I really wish all babies would catch a virus and die! That's a disgusting thought that only disgusting people think! *Wink!*

Later Tim discovers that Matt has disappeared. We know he's gone off to Metropolis to find a Green Lantern Battery! But Tim doesn't know that yet. Hopefully he'll have figured it out by the beginning of the next issue so I don't have to read five pages of him doing detective work. Why do people always want to see Batman do more detective work and less punching people?! How about a compromise! A little more detective work, a little less punching people, and a whole lot more sex with Catwoman. Deal?

Batman Beyond #7 Rating: No change. I wasn't bored by this issue! It wasn't super exciting but I'll take "not being bored" over "Futures End Still Isn't Fucking Over Yet?!" any day! Hopefully the visit to Metropolis will be uncover new bad guys that have nothing to do with cyborgs or robots. I guess I'll accept mutants because what else is there in dystopian future fiction?!

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