Thursday, November 16, 2017

The Flash #33


There's a whole voyeuristic shit eating fetish thing going on here that I don't want to think about too deeply.

Why am I reading another issue of The Flash? Because I'm an idiot who can't get enough of these Dark Nights Metal Tie-ins. Speaking of Dark Nights Metal, which is the real title of the series? Is it Metal? Is it Dark Nights? Is it Dark Nights Metal? Maybe it's Tie-in?! Whatever it is, I'm completely hooked. Not because it's gripping entertainment but because I lack the willpower to stop doing things that are harmful to myself.

The issue begins with Barry Allen Narration Boxing "My name is Barry Allen. I'm The Flash." You know, in case this is the first ever issue read by a seven year old immigrant child that was raised in the back woods of a country that is so seventh world that it has yet to be inundated with superhero pop culture. I know that seems far-fetched since 70% of the world economy depends on superhero pop culture but one should never assume everybody knows the titular character's secret identity and how that character often thinks to himself, "I'm me! And as me, I'm also The Flash!" Imagine how poor the world would be without all the blockbuster superhero movies. It's a good thing the cool kids finally decided that comic books weren't for the kids whose heads were constantly almost being flushed down the toilet for unknown reasons. There are adults today who are of a generation that can't even fathom how uncool it was to like comic books or science fiction or Dungeons & Dragons. Although they still think they're being "nerds" or "geeks" by liking the things that were once cause for ostracism and permanent banishment from most human contact (of the non-violent kind, of course). I don't mind them claiming those titles; it's just I don't think they have any idea what it was really like to be on the front lines of enjoying the things they enjoy today while not having their underwear most of the way up their ass and piss in their hair. Of course, now the young kids have other things to worry about. Like saying the wrong thing in front of that one "friend" who will instantly ostracize and permanently banish them from life entirely. Back in my youth, you might get a little banged up for not conforming to the social norms but today, you're just fucking done. And well you should be if you professed enjoyment for something your self-righteous, raving, Jim Jonesesque friend thought was problematic. Keep that shit to yourself, you monster.

I just realized another reason I read terrible comic books! They're a great distraction from our Brave New Shithole World! Thanks, Butthurt Angry Xenophobes! You sure showed them liberals! Y'all are like the heroin-addled downstairs neighbor I had years ago. One day, he had a big blowout fight with his girlfriend with lots of yelling and breaking of things. At one point I heard his girlfriend say, "You're too stupid not to break your own things!" So I guess he really gave it to her good by breaking his own stuff. Just like working class Trump voters!

If you don't want to hear anti-GOP political commentary in your comic book reviews, might I recommend the Weird Science blog? It has the added bonus that their reviews are actual reviews and not just the insane ramblings of a housebound misanthropist. Sure, they're bland and come from people who desperately want to be a serious part of the comic book community so they'll never say anything too harsh about the writing or art of a comic book, even when it's as terrible as Neal Adams' recent Deadman. But they won't call you stupid simply because of your political leanings! At least I don't think they will. I could be wrong. It's not like I've ever read more than a handful of their reviews. But I've read enough to declare the site my nemesis! I should probably interact with them more but they hurt my feelings the last time we had a conversation. One of their zealot followers threatened to slap me with his eight inch penis! And he made sure that I knew his penis is eight inches flaccid! I always knew that tough guy Internet comment monkeys must have the biggest penises. How else could they be confident enough to deliver their scathing rejoinders?!

After Barry identifies himself so that an audience that doesn't exist knows that the red Narration Boxes with the lightning bolt next to them are Barry's thoughts (and that Barry is The Flash because that might also be confusing), he explains that he's currently racing Superman and that Superman has to win. That's a lie. I mean, it's either a lie or poor writing and I don't want to hurt Joshua Williamson's feelings (any more than I may have already by saying his writing is mediocre and generally boring). So let's say it's a lie. Maybe it's an exaggeration of a half-truth so that The Flash can subtly suggest that he always beats Superman when they race. Why wouldn't he?! He's known as The Fasterest Man Alive! Why wouldn't Superman's lawyers shut that shit down if Superman were faster? I suppose, in the same way Superman is smarter than Batman but he lets Batman think Batman's smarter, Superman is just a good guy who enjoys letting his friends shine.

So they aren't racing. That's what I'm trying to say. They're both going really fast because The Flash needs to fling Superman into the Dark Universe. Mind you, nobody has ever willingly traveled to the Dark Universe before this. But when has not knowing how to do something that's never been done stopped a superhero from doing the impossible? Everybody knows that if The Flash just runs fast enough, he can justify any plot point. So that's what happens! He runs super fast and then Fastball Specials Superman into the Dark Universe.


Afterward, The Flash gives Steel the "I have a huge boner" eyes.

After Superman disappears into a black hole which certainly leads to the Dark Universe because reasons, Gorilla Grodd attacks the city. But it turns out it's not Grodd at all but a hungry person who just needed to eat a Snickers. It's a weird moment but it's good to see superheroes actually doing some good and helping regular folks for a change.

Steel contemplates fucking the Anti-Monitor's giant butt plug but The Flash argues against it. It's too dangerous! He points out that Batman fiddling with it is why they're in the mess they're in. I'm not sure they can really blame Batman though. Didn't they read Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1? Batman was manipulated by Barbatos for his entire life. I bet Barbatos even manipulated the radiation around Thomas and Martha Wayne so that Martha only had one viable Bat-egg and Thomas, one viable Bat-sperm.

The other members of the Justice League are all on missions to find Nth Metal. Remember when that happened in Metal? It was just before Detective Chimp was murdered by BatJoker. I know that Detective Chimp never dies on-panel but what other result should readers expect?! That maybe Detective Chimp jerked off all the Bat-monsters so he'd be spared? I suppose that's something that would take place off-panel, so I can't argue against that being what happened. Also I don't want to argue against that being what happened.

It doesn't matter what the other Justice League members were doing because they all get sucked up in Evil Boom Tubes. I'm sure they'll get back to their missions in the next issue of Metal. But for now, they need to fight some of the Bat-monsters to a stalemate so it seems like Metal is full of more action than it really needs.

I'd like to scan a picture of some of the big battles that take place but I can't because they don't exist. Okay, one exists. Doombat and Cybat beat the shit out of Steel and send The Flash into a dark room. The other Justice League members also find themselves in this room. This is probably the hell that the bats must get out of. And by bats, I don't think the title refers to the Batmonsters. I think the bats refer to the Justice League members who aren't Batman. It makes sense because fuck you. It's a clever take on a known phrase! People read it and go, "Oh yeah! I've heard people say that! It was even a Meatloaf album!"

The hells they wind up in are different versions of the Batcave where they're all individually attacked by the Batmonster inspired partly by each of them. And that's where the issue ends because this was all prologue to the big action scene. And in comics, the big action scene is the only reason people keep reading them! So exciting!

The Flash #33 Rating: 4 out of 10. It might earn a higher score if it had left out all of that Narration Boxing. A writer's use of Narration Boxes tends to make it so the writer doesn't need to write a script for a comic book. They just write the plot out through the character's rendition of what happened and leave it like that. It's also the way a writer can force a theme into the story's unwilling orifice. So The Flash, through Narration Boxes, tells a story about how he races Superman. Then that leads to him saying that Batman always advises him to run faster which leads to the big twist conclusion where The Flash points out that he's hearing Batman again but he's telling him there's nowhere to run! It's classic Flash storytelling! Just mention running as much as you can and equate it to whatever the fuck else is going on. Then finish it off by saying, "See? See what I did there? Clever, right?!"

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1


It turns out he's not in Purgatory at all but on a corporate island retreat full of Volkswagen buses.

I'm exhausted by the Internet. The world was already a terrible place when I simply assumed most of the people living in it were idiots. But then the Internet had to come along and prove it! Thanks a lot, Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and Blogger! Giving everybody a voice always seemed like such a perfect way to level the playing field. Instead it's collapsed the playing field into a dense black hole composed of the opinions of the truly stupid where no truth can escape.

I know what you're thinking and you'd better stop thinking that! My site is an ironic parody of a postmodern satire! My thoughts are supposed to be stupid! But then that causes its own problems because I wind up getting comments from people who wouldn't know ironic parodies of postmodern satires if an ironic parody of a postmodern satire showed them its dick. Which my ironic parody of a postmodern satire wouldn't do, by the way! I always wait until a woman shows me her vagina before I run screaming from the room to rock in a corner mumbling, "This is not happening. This is not happening." I don't even show my dick to my doctor until I absolutely have to. Which is a problem in itself! Hasn't my doctor heard that rocking in a corner mumbling "This is not happening" means no? Why would my doctor have to look at my dick anyway? I've never heard of dick cancer before! And I don't want to so don't post any links to the dick cancer Wikipedia page!

Did I sound smart by calling my blog an ironic parody of a postmodern satire? I hope it actually means something intelligent and isn't some kind of double negative statement that simply winds up sucking its own dick. Like a horny algebraic Ouroboros!

This is how Batman Lost begins:


J. Jonah Jameson? Batman really is lost!

For some reason, a little girl named Janet calls Jonah "Bruce." Instead of raving about Spider-man, he decides to read her a story about Batman. The story is supposedly Batman's first story, historically, but it winds up being Batman's first story, chronologically. It's about Batman's trip to the ancient past where he established a tribe that would ultimately cause the end of the world. Hawkman tried to stop him but Hawkman is terrible and can't stop anybody. I mean, he might wind up being the big hero in Metal. But that's okay because Metal is already so stupidly unbelievable (even in comic book terms!) that Hawkman saving the day won't have a detrimental effect.

Bruce is confused by his first story but he has somebody to help narrate it for him: somebody who looks like one of the Endless poorly cosplaying Batman. It's also possible she's the Queen of the Owls since she's wearing goggles that look like owl eyes made from a carton of eggs by a kindergartener and she's wearing an owl pellet around her neck. Bruce is all, "But this story is not the story that I'm currently storying!" And Delight is all, "Don't you know how comic books work, dumbie?! Every story gets taken out of context and reshaped by another writer to get tons of fangender love. They're always all, 'Remember this story from so long ago? Well this is what it really meant in the context of my new and awesome comic book idea!'" Then Batman makes a fart noise and Delight chuckles.

Batman sees a wolf's head and screams. He finds himself in the far future where a tribe of Robins spend their lives discussing whether or not Batman was good for them. Did he make their life better? Was he abusive? Was he just another piece of the patriarchy cursing them with his rich white privilege? Why did he have to be so mean to the mentally ill? Why was Batman, in any sense, the hero of the story when the sidekicks were the angst mirrors for the teenaged readers? Wasn't Tynion's vision of the Bat-family the best because it made Batman look like a huge asshole, even though it made Tim Drake even more boring than he's always been (no matter how impossible that might seem)?" But Batman, knowing he's just trapped in the Dark Multiverse and hallucinating, doesn't take any of the Robin's shit seriously. So, you know, like the regular universe.

Actually Batman arrives in a world that was ruined because he refused to kill people and Damian has become Hawkdevil. I guess the Dark Multiverse wants Batman to seriously consider killing so that maybe Batman will turn the regular universe into a Dark Multiverse and then the Dark Multiverse won't be relegated to the back of the map like a Dairy Queen advert.


Batman's dream takes a wet turn.

For some reason I fell asleep after this page. You'll have to be content with "for some reason" because I don't want to overwhelm you with my masturbation rituals.

Anyway, Batman sees more worlds that never existed because it's easier to pretend that this Metal story can be extracted from the comic book history of Batman if Snyder tells you about the worlds that would be created by Batman's fears rather than showing how the past stories all have hints that lead to the Metal story arc. It's not a bad issue but it's certainly not the kind of reshaping of past stories that makes you think, "Aha! That totally makes sense in the new context! Brilliant, Morrison!"

Batman Lost #1 Rating: It's one of the better Metal tie-ins but it still feels like Snyder and company are trying too hard to justify how Metal works in the context of Batman's comic book legacy. Instead of getting concrete examples of past stories that lead the reader into thinking that Metal fits seamlessly into Batman's history, the reader gets Barbatos explaining that he totally Harvested Batman from day one. So instead of showing how Batman was manipulated by recontextualizing some of his stories, instead the writers choose to simply have Barbatos say, "I manipulated you at every step of the way. Remember that one time you thought you were a great detective? I convinced you to be that! Remember that time you did that other thing that I'm not explicitly mentioning? I was responsible for that! From the dawn of time when I first saw you until this moment, it was all a plan to free me from the Dark Multiverse! Harvest-Schmarvest! I'm the greatest fucking man with a plan to ever exist in the DC Universe!" But if you aren't an overcritical asshole who apparently doesn't find any wonder or charm in comic books anymore, you might really enjoy this Metal Tie-in!

Thursday, November 9, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Five


I've probably dragged this out too long, haven't I?

The next story is called "Stray Arrow" and I should like it since Green Arrow is murdered in it. But I just found it confusing! Black Canary kills a guy who sexually assaults her and then later she kills Green Arrow for not attempting to sexually assault her. It's so confusing! It's a good thing the story was written by a man or else I would assume women sometimes want men to sexually assault them and sometimes don't want men to sexually assault them and if the man guesses wrong, he'll be killed. Although would that be all that bad? Oh wait. Yeah, it would. Because men already act like women want to be sexually assaulted all the time! If they thought they might die if they didn't sexually assault a woman, things would only escalate.

I think men would have less of a problem with sexual assault if they realized that the things they wish women would do to them are not the things women want in return. Like, I was at a party one time and this woman followed me into the bathroom (oh! That reminds me of another time I was at a different party and a different woman followed me into the bathroom! Is this some kind of secret horny woman ritual?!) and proceeded to stick her hand down the front of my pants. As a guy, I didn't think, "Oh whoa! I'm being sexually assaulted!" No, I thought, "Oh whoa! My penis is being touched!" See? That's the problem with guys. They often can't even tell when they're being molested because having your penis touched by somebody new feels amazing!

The other time I was followed into the bathroom, I fought her off. Not physically, of course! Why would I punch a sexy woman in overalls who was just trying to get a look at my penis?! I just evaded the subject (the subject what her mouth would do to my penis) because my cousin (who was also at the party) brought her there as his date. Later she followed me into a second bathroom and I still didn't succumb to her succubussy temptation! Man, do I regret that decision now! Although my cousin did get crabs from her, so good choice, young me! Although would I have really caught crabs from a blow job? They don't live in the mouth, right?! And I don't remember her having a mustache.

Another time, I was at a bar in Los Gatos and this woman at the bar kept making eyes at me. After last call when everybody was standing up to leave, she tackled me into the back room and collapsed on top of me in a booth while trying to suck out my entrails through my mouth. Hitting on men sure is easy for women because men are such horny beasts! Women can do whatever they want with us and we're, generally, just going to go, "Oh whoa! Get ready, penis!" I suppose it would have been different if she shoved me down face first and proceeded to stick a pool cue into my asshole. I probably would have considered that assault, depending on whether or not she used lube.

But men should never mistake these kinds of moves for moves they can pull on women! I know it's hard being a guy who women don't want to constantly maul (I mean, I assume it is? Because how would I know?! I'm like a big fat salmon at the starving bear convention to these ladies!) but you still can't be sexually aggressive. You just have to be patient until a woman decides she wants your disgusting dick touching her soft, supple flesh. Just remember that sex is always the lady's choice. And most ladies, even when they're hungry, don't want to eat pizza out of a dumpster. So stop looking and acting like dumpster pizza. And if you can't help looking like dumpster pizza because you got the shitty end of life's looks stick, you're going to have to...well, I don't fucking know what. This isn't an advice blog! I suppose there's somebody out there for you. Men aren't the only ones who occasionally look and smell like dumpster pizza. Go find a dumpster pizza woman. But you still have to wait for her to make the hand down the front of the pants move!

Man, I should teach a college course on relationships! I'm almost 100% certain that nothing I just wrote was offensive at all and possibly the most mature and responsible thing I've ever written!

It was definitely more sensitive and less tone deaf than that "Stray Arrow" story!

The next story is about Two-Face and is called "Unmasked." It's written by Wrath James White which must be a pen name, right? Who names their kid Wrath?! I'm not even sure I want to read his story now! Wrath! How ridiculous!


The artist has a tough time drawing men with their arms down.

This story basically winds up telling the same story as the Batman story! The supposed hero winds up being the villain and we learn some kind of lesson in the revelation of that absurdity! Nobody knows their true nature or something. We're all monsters underneath the make-up of civilization! When we least expect it, we'll find ourselves cutting the faces off of innocent people. Man, now I'm afraid of myself.

"Stray Arrow" and "Unmasked" Ratings: They were so bland that I can barely even remember reading them and I just read them like five minutes ago! Maybe I'll read the Billy Batson one before I decide to do a Part Six just to see if it's interesting enough to talk about. As if I ever actually talk about the stories I read! Ha ha! Why do people think I write comic book reviews?!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Four


This comic book can't compete with the horror I saw on the Internet just mere moments ago.

I'm not sure if I should reveal the horrific thing I saw because it might provide too much insight into my petty and jealous nature! Oh, what the hell! I once admitted to masturbating into the bathroom sink on this blog so why not admit this? Not that that masturbation story was true! It was totally one of those times I was lying to keep the reader guessing as to what I'm actually capable of!

Anyway, I was looking for ammunition in my war and decided to check out my Nemesis Comic Book Blog's Patreon page and discovered this:


This is proof that God exists and he hates me, right?

I realize that their Patreon is for their Podcast (probably terribly boring if their reviews are any indication (but I've never listened so, once again, my petty nature is showing! (I mean, do they masturbate on mic or something? What's the draw?!))) and I'm constantly pointing out how nobody gives a shit about written material anymore. But I guess people will listen to practically anything? Looking at the numbers, you're probably wondering how much people are willing to pay these guys every month. They've got about thirty people paying twenty dollars per month to hear their podcasts. That's the kind of money people pay to care for abandoned dogs, Shriner Kids, and starving Africans! Who would pay that kind of money for podcasts? My guess is these guys have a lot of Aunts and Uncles who don't know the value of a dollar.

Man, now I look like an envious jerk! I never wanted anybody to see that side of me! I mean, really, I'm happy simply knowing that my lost foreskin has more interesting things to say than these guys. I think. I mean, I haven't seen my foreskin since I was an infant. But I'm sure it's gone on to do great things. I bet it's the sidekick on some podcast that delves into the deeper, darker themes inherent in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines.

Speaking of Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, I haven't mentioned that I'm reading the Garth Ennis mini-series. The only thing I have to point out is how Pig One sounds like (and is an anagram of) Pigeon. Stop that Pig One, stop that Pig One, stop that Pig One. HOOOOOWWWWWW?!

Do you get that kind of insight in that stupid podcast? Hmm, you know what? I bet you do. I need to be more cleverer!

Anyway, now I'm too depressed to even continue warring with these guys. Besides, judging by their retorts in our recent Deadman #1 battle, they're just not on my level. I waste enough time doing idiotic shit anyway. I'd rather play Call of Duty than read more inane responses from those guys.

The next horror tale that doesn't involve my pride is called "Blackest Night." Sure, a story about what just happened to my pride could probably use that title. It might also use the title "Blogger Found Dead in Apartment After Discovering Incomprehensible News." I mean, I hope it doesn't use that title. We'll just have to see how the rest of the night progresses.

The story begins with John Constantine blowing his brains out. So that's two people shooting themselves in the face in the space of a few pages. This comic book is more depressing than horrific. Although I guess the two go hand-in-hand since I feel pretty fucking depressed after that horrific shit I told you about previously.

Things really have to be bad if Constantine has run out of tricks. Hal Jordan seems to be the last non-zombified human left but it's only a matter of time before he changes since he's been bitten. He probably hasn't changed yet because his will is so strong. That's the kind of insight I bet that podcast doesn't...no wait. I just realized that's about the first thing anybody learns about Green Lantern other than that his uniform is green. Most people probably don't know why he's a member of a space organization that uses an antique Earth lantern as the model for their power batteries. It's a good litmus test for whether or not I'll get along with somebody. If one of their first questions is "What the fuck is up with that stupid lantern?" then I'll probably get along with them. Although "getting along with somebody" is basically just me not immediately telling somebody to fuck straight off. It'll probably take a few more opinions from them before I smell how fucking stupid and boring they are.

Hal Jordan's ring finger was bitten off by The Flash so Hal has to eviscerate zombie Flash to get it back. After he goes through all that trouble to get his ring back so he can save the Earth, the Justice League headquarters on the moon blows up and he dies. Everybody on Earth dies. The end!

Blackest Night Rating: I'm sure glad most comic book editors don't allow the writers to kill the heroes every issue or else this is how they'd end every story. They'd create a story which they were incapable of figuring out an end for and then just kill everyone. I guess it works? This is a horror anthology, after all. And what's more horrible than a story that doesn't have a decent ending? Stephen King made a career out of it!

Now I feel bad for burning Stephen King! What did he do to deserve my anger?! Aside from writing The Tommyknockers, that is.

DC House of Horror #1, Part Three


How is Wonder Woman playing the fiddle horrific?

I probably don't even have to finish reading the rest of this book. I certainly don't need to comment on it. Judging by the first two, it's just going to be six more stories of heroes being not heroic. Which, now that I think about it, isn't any different than the heroes in DC's canonical universe! Here's how about 95% of all of DC's stories go: a villain decides to get revenge against a hero by killing loads of people or maybe just one of the hero's friends or maybe just some animals in the zoo. I mean, it could be anything. But the main point is that the villain's sole motivation is to hurt the hero. The hero saves his or herself while destroying lots of property and probably not saving a few people's lives. Somebody has to die or else the reader wouldn't feel any tension. Afterward, the hero says, "You're welcome for me saving the day!" The people cheer, less and less after each attack, until finally somebody with a microphone starts talking about how dangerous the hero is. That person is usually seen as a paranoid asshole or a conniving politician or just another villain trying to take down the hero. But that person is also usually right because DC's heroes are almost exclusively using their powers just to save themselves. So far this House of Horror anthology has just taken out the middle man villains! Clark is unable to save Ma and Pa Kent from himself and Wonder Woman manages to not be able to save a bunch of civilians from herself. Not being able to save victims from themselves is practically the same as not being able to save victims from the villains who are attacking the heroes.

The third story is called "Crazy for You" and it's about Harley Quinn. She's not really a hero but we've all been pretending she is because people like her so much. It's like how Lobo is working for Justice League America now. If a villain gets popular enough, they always have to change sides because you can't have a comic book celebrating a character murdering tons of innocent people. I mean, you can! But I think Marvel and DC haven't fully realized the extent of their power ever since they 69ed the Comics Code Authority. I mean 86ed! Maybe 69ed as well. If they did that, who would know since it wouldn't be published for breaking the Comics Code Authority's rules.


Please nobody masturbate to this.

The story is about a guy from the pre-Comics Code Authority days who murders the fuck out of his girlfriend and probably cuts up her eyes in some really graphic close-ups. They loved that shit back then! After he's done it, he begins to hallucinate Harley Quinn and her sexy euphemisms. She's all, "Whose beaver did she stuff to get your Mike Cock in a ruffle?!" Then she scissors Poison Ivy for three pages straight.


The implication that vanilla is boring is bullshit. Has she ever tasted vanilla?! I rest my case!

I've been rewatching The Flight of the Conchords recently and I think Jemaine Clement might be my most favorite person in the world. He's just adorable. Also, that bit where Bret goes into the Boom song and he tells Koko that she's so hot she's making him sexist? Fucking brilliant.

Instead of reviewing comic books, I should just remind people of moments in television shows that I really loved. Like that time the Native American kid was impressed that Bobby Brady put beans in a flashlight? Fucking awesome.

Chuck, the guy who killed his wife, remembers how he met the ghost of Harley Quinn. He saw her naked in the shower which caused Harley Quinn to fall in love with him. I wish a hot naked ghost would fall in love with me. But no! I just get ugly, half-decomposed monsters. There's only so many times you can jerk off to one of those doing a sexy dance in the living room.

The story ends with the reader realizing that poor Chuck is going to be tormented by sexy Harley Quinn's ghost for the rest of his life. And he's upset by this! What is wrong with him? Harley offered to strip for him right in this comic book and he flips the fuck out. I guess he's gay. That's probably why he killed his wife. What a totally gay thing to do.

The next story is called "Last Laugh." It stars Batman and, presumably (judging by the title), The Joker. I hope it ends with somebody sucking somebody else's you-know-what. I meant for that to represent the butthole but I just realized most of you probably thought penis. I'll be more clear in the future.

The story begins with Bruce Wayne thinking about that Confucius saying about a man seeking revenge needing to dig two graves. Bruce concludes with "So that man with revenge on his mind...what does he do? He gets himself a big shovel." Spoken like a guy whose never done any physical labor in his life! He thinks a regular shovel is only good for digging one grave!

Bruce is loading a gun when The Joker's voice begins tormenting him. I'm suspecting that the revelation will be that The Joker was always just another side of Bruce Wayne and Bruce finally realized it. So now he has to eat a bullet to save Gotham.

I just finished the story and that's it exactly. When was the last time I called myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? Why doesn't anybody else call me that? Don't they see my greatness?! Fucking peons! I'll ruin you all! Starting with the peasants at Weird Science! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Whoa. What just happened? I hope this doesn't mean I have to eat a bullet now too?

Crazy For You and Last Laugh Ratings: These two stories were better than the previous two stories. At least the Batman one took a premise and made a pretty nice little tale out of it. It's not like we haven't seen that premise before. I think Buffy did one where some demon tried to convince her she was crazy and just fantasizing about being a vampire slayer. And I can't remember the other times we've seen this but I've mentioned them before when my mind worked better. Back in the mid-90s, I began a book about Christopher Robin in a mental institution and all of his stuffed animals were also inmates. You know what I'd like to see? A dark version of H.R. Pufnstuf. H.R. Giger Pufnstuf! Anyway, the Harley story was pretty good because it made me imagine having a sexy ghost around all the time. But it sort of ended like the writer didn't know how to end it. It was less a story and more a moment in the life of Chuck's spiral into madness.

Monday, November 6, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Two (AKA A Review of Netflix's The Mist)


It looks like Batman is fucking Flash while Flash fucks Green Lantern while Green Lantern, covered in semen, jerks off a candle.

Netflix seems to have purchased everything Stephen King ever did and they're churning it out en masse for people with little regard to quality. Maybe I'm beginning this review too harshly since I've only watched Gerald's Game (which wasn't terrible and actually a bit interesting since I always thought of it as the one King story that could never become a movie because the main character spends the entire time dehydrating in bed) and The Mist (which was terrible and I'll get into the whyness of it in a second). I think the last Stephen King book I read was the final chapter of the Gunslinger Saga. Up until then, I believe I'd read every book of his published aside from Danse Macabre (which I just recently finally read). It's possible I didn't read a bunch of his novels that weren't related to the Gunslinger Saga near the end of that series' run. What I'm trying to say is that there was a definite time in my life when I was a fan if not a complete fangender. It may be the book I've reread the most even though it never makes my list of top books. I love it to death but I think using the analogy of a sewer gang bang to transition the main characters from childhood into adulthood so they could escape the grasp of It might have soured the enough to keep it from ever being a top ten favorite. I'm glad they excluded that bit from the movie. I'm pretty sure it wasn't in the TV mini-series as well but I can't remember it enough to be sure. I do remember that prior to the series airing on television, I had all the little TV Guide advertisements for it posted on my wall. But this isn't about my relationship with Stephen King. This is about DC House of Horror #1. Just kidding! It's mostly going to be my thoughts on Netflix's The Mess! I mean The Mist!

The Mist is a mediocre experience at best and an awful waste of time at worst. Not only is it poorly written; the writers make some of the worst, tone-deaf character choices in the current social climate. While I'm entirely for a world where we can watch a television show and the bisexual guy can be the demented rapist while the popular quarterback is the misunderstood martyr, we're not quite in a climate of equality where that's just another possible twist to the plot. Even if the bisexual kid didn't turn out to be the monster (I'd have put a spoiler warning here but you'll know the kid is the monster halfway through the first episode. Unless it was the second episode. Anyway, it's not as big a surprise as, I think, the writers wanted it to be), it says something about the way we see in stereotypical ways that the story expects us to believe the high school quarterback is a total date raper. Oh, and for good measure, the homophobic football player? Self-hating gay.

So the character choices are poor from a purely casual viewing standpoint. But when you notice Harvey Weinstein's name listed as an executive producer in the credits, the entire show takes on an even darker and more disturbing tone than I think anybody involved in the project realized. Let me explain.

The show is purportedly about a young girl of sixteen who gets drugged at a party and raped. Immediate suspicion falls on the high school quarterback who has shown interest in her and who is the only person onscreen shown giving her alcohol. What you realize by the end of the series is that the show wasn't about this girl at all. The main arc (which, I suppose, can be argued since the show does tend to have quite a few arcs, being that it's a large cast) winds up being about the high school quarterback, a male who was accused of rape and judged by the entire town even though he winds up being innocent. And what happens to this town that has rushed to judgment? A fog of confusion descends upon them, befuddling their ability to see the truth and act rationally. Everybody who blames the righteous guy who was accused of rape gets their comeuppance in the end. Mostly they're just made to look like assholes but some of them die horribly! Ha ha! In your face, society that doesn't understand how big shot executive producers and high school quarterbacks are almost assuredly innocent of any accusations of rape!

Not only is the high school quarterback innocent, we see that nearly everybody else in town is a terrible person. The mist exposes the hypocrisies inherent in all the people who would judge a person accused of rape before the DNA proves that it was the bisexual freak that nobody likes who did the raping. Obviously! Nobody likes that guy! Even the guy who fucks him doesn't like him!

I believe the show tries to avoid the whole fake rape accusation motif by never actually having the teenage girl accuse anybody specifically. She just knows she was raped after she wakes up from being drugged. But the whole town suddenly knows, somehow, that she fingered the high school quarterback (not like that, you sick perverts!) and they all turn on her. But, as far as I can remember, nobody ever blames him. The town just assumes he's the guy she's going to blame because, well, he's the high school quarterback! Who's more rapey than that?! I believe the bisexual kid is the one to say he witnessed it but he never really gets to tell the cops because the mist begins eating them all before he can give an actual statement. But even if the writers can stick a finger in our faces and say, "No! No! We did not write a show where nobody believes the victim! We wrote a show with a big twist and an evil villain who framed the quarterback so well that the town couldn't believe any other story other than the raped girl was a big fat liar!" Then the writer would look confused by their own plot synopsis and, hopefully, retire to manage a convenience store.

That's the worst part about the show. But there are many other terrible plot points. The mist itself is bullshit. The characters spend a good chunk of time inside the mist without any ill effect. And when they do, it turns out the mist is just a metaphor for the internalized guilt of whatever the character is feeling guilty about, or maybe it works on there fears too. Or something. It's hard to tell. I don't think the mist, as a character, was written any better than any of the other characters. It simply becomes a way to scare the shit out of the townspeople so that the viewers can see that the true monster is ourselves. So Senator Clay Aiken strangles the mother of a child that was killed for wanting to hear a stupid story about a stupid owl and the sheriff locks people in a church and burns it down and the crazy bird lady sends people on a misguided quest to become atheists and the pastor tries to force everybody to believe in God and the doctor wants to experiment on people and the brother wants to talk about how often he fucked his brother's wife before they were married and the bisexual kid's father wants to punish his kid until he's heterosexual and the mother of the raped girl is jealous of her daughter's love for her father who isn't actually her father anyway because her father is the cop which makes the high school quarterback her half-brother. Jesus Christ! I can't believe I watched this whole show!

At least I think I watched the whole thing. It ends with everybody still in the mist and realizing that the local government military organization is dumping people into the mist to feed it. Because the military is always behind any shit that goes wrong and wipes out the world. Who else has the money and power to cause this kind of destruction? Just once, I wish it would turn out to be the Girl Scouts.

The Mist was once made into an interactive fiction game which was terrible but still better than this. The worst part about the game was that many of the puzzles that needed to be solved were just giant bugs coming out of the mist that needed to be dealt with. I remember playing the game until I was stymied at every turn by a creature I couldn't get past. I thought, "If I only had a weapon, maybe I could get by some of these creatures!" So I went into the administration office and simply typed "TAKE GUN." And bingo! I had a gun! I'm not sure if the gun was ever clued in anywhere or you just had to inquire about a gun on your own. I've never revisited the game because after that, it was a simple matter of shooting everything to escape. I think I even shot the crazy lady running about the grocery store gaining a large mob of followers. I don't think that ended well but it was satisfying.

In conclusion, The Mist was terrible and I watched it all.

And so on to the comic book!

The second story is called "Man's World." It's about Wonder Woman and it's also plotted by Keith Giffen but written by somebody else. The writer is Mary Sangiovanni whom I don't recognize. The artist is Bilquis Evely whom I do recognize but know nothing about. The story is probably about what would happen if Wonder Woman came to our world to kick ass and chew testicles. Is that horror or would that simply be justice?


Here, a woman smells her fingers for some mysterious and sexy reason.

I'm sorry for that previous caption! The only reason I said it was probably sexy was because she is a woman and I'm objectifying her. I smell my fingers for decidedly non-sexy reasons all the time!

If anybody is interested in my life away from my blog, you can visit me intellectually debating the guys at the weird science comic book review blog on their review of Deadman #1. I'd forgotten that they were supposed to be my nemeses! But I remembered! Oh how I remembered!

The woman smelling her fingers has been possessed by Wonder Woman because she took part in a Milton Bradly sponsored seance.


See?! You probably thought I was being facetious about the chewing testicles part! It's a known fact!

It's too bad I just scanned two images so closely together because the next page contains a nipple and a bare butt! The nipple is in shadow but you can still see the shape of it! I don't know why I'm using an exclamation point for that revelation. Back in the pre-Internet days, it would have been a glorious find for a young kid. But now, it's as tame as if the panel depicted a basket of kittens.

The girl possessed by Wonder Woman kills all of her friends and everybody she meets before getting home and killing her abusive father. She also says a bunch of stuff in Greek. I bet she's saying things like, "I'm here to kick ass and chew testicles! Mmm! So good!"

Nope. I was wrong. The first thing Wonder Woman says after possessing the girl is "Where am I, witches?" Then she kills the witches. Later after her killing the girl's dad, she says, "The world of man is Hell. It is going to be a glorious war."

Man's World Rating: Are these stories horrific? I guess so. Imagine if Superman were a confused toddler scared out of his wits when he arrived on Earth? He probably would kill everybody by accident in his fits of terror. And Wonder Woman suddenly coming to man's world without any context except what she's been told about why the Amazons can't leave the island? She'd be ready for some serious clean up! And she only killed the women at the beginning because they were obviously witches. Some women, you just can't trust. So you get what we had here in this story. I don't like it any more than you women.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part One


Is it really appropriate for DC to release a horror title when we're living in America in 2017?

Some of you across the globe may have noticed that we Americans have a gun problem. You might be thinking, at times (like every day when The Fake News reports a mass shooting in America), "Why don't they do something about that problem? Don't they like not being shot while out in public?" I wouldn't blame you for coming up with such a naive thought about such a complex problem! I mean, you can't just not let people have as many guns as they want! That would be anti-freedom. And if there's one thing Americans love more than praying they don't get shot when they go out for coffee, it's freedom! Occasionally you'll hear some Americans express the opinion that maybe we shouldn't allow people to own so many bullets and the machines that hurtle those bullets through the air at deadly velocity. But those voices can't really do anything about the problem. You see, we're not just a country with a gun problem; we're a country in a hostage situation. The people who own guns and want more guns and think guns should be everywhere so we're safer won't engage in any kind of debate about the problem. Why should they? They have a gun and you should just shut your fucking mouth, you snowflake. Besides, you haven't heard their side of the argument yet or else you'd stop wishing for better gun control. So stop being naive until you've sat down and heard why we need guns. I'm going to explain it to you. After you read this, you'll go away thinking, "Oh yeah! That makes sense! I wish my country had easier access to guns! Go guns!"

First off, you might have heard about the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to sit on a throne of guns while we eat off of a television tray made of guns and pick our teeth with even smaller guns when we're done. And even though we have the freedom of speech, you don't have the right to tell me I'm an asshole for living in my house of guns with my car made of guns that's powered by bullets. And more guns, probably. I suppose, maybe, if I'm being intellectually honest with you, you sort of have the right to say that since it's also in the Constitution. But I can probably shoot you with my gun for saying that, especially if I'm in Florida because I'm just standing my ground and I felt threatened by your hate speech. Or maybe you didn't say anything and you just rolled your eyes when I said "Woo boy! Guns!" That was threatening too and I have the right to shoot you with my constitution. I mean gun. So right off the bat, your argument about gun control is invalid because the Constitution. But I'll explain the situation some more for you stubborn cretins who haven't read the one small section of the Constitution that I understand and that you can't take away even though it's called an Amendment and I have a vague notion that some of our Amendments have themselves been amended to make the country better.

But let's get to the meat of the problem. People who don't like guns are snowflakes because they're scared of something that can't actually kill people all by itself. What do they think a gun is, the doll from Child's Play? Like it's going to get off the throne of guns that I made for it and shoot them in the face! It's fucking ridiculous. They're too scared to own a gun to protect themselves from the blacks who are the ones who make guns kill people. I mean, if I was forced to get rid of my guns, how would I protect my family from the blacks who are all in gangs and are constantly shooting up Chicago and each other? How would I protect my VCR and my collection of antique guns? If guns were outlawed, only blacks would own guns! I mean outlaws! Having to protect myself from the inevitable home invasion is the main reason to own a gun. And if we as a country have to deal with mass shootings every single day so that I don't have to feel unsafe due to the constant crush of my daily racist thoughts, that's just the price we as Americans have to pay. Besides, I'll have a gun in a situation when things go to shit and I'll save the fucking day with my gun! Which, again, is why we all need guns! Sure, I have to occasionally squash down the desire to pull it out when a customer service representative at a non-gun store gets smarmy with me but it's not like I'll ever let my rage get out of control like that. I pretended to take a gun safety class, after all!

Aside from the criminals who are probably going to steal all of my shit if they knew the government had kept me from buying an AR-15, we also have to worry about the government in this country. Right after they take our guns away, they're going to send us all to death camps and force us into gay marriages. So I need my gun to keep my government honest! They sure as shit had better pass all those laws that help out the rich while my family suffers or my local militia is going to give them what-for! Maybe not immediately because half of them might be drunk on Budweiser and the other half are probably locked in the bathroom having severe meat shits from our terrible diets. But we'll march in the public with our guns waving and our flags, um, waving and them cops won't do shit because they're cowards. I mean, they're great people who keep us safe from the blacks. But they better not try to take my gun, the fascists!

Another reason we need so many guns is Obama. Did you hear about how he fucked up our country for eight years? And then Hillary! And the Benghazi emails! That's why we need so many guns.

So in conclusion, the people who need make gun control a reality in this country are the people who want to use and keep their guns. They control the narrative and they're the ones who should be demanding that these mass shootings end. But they won't do it. Not because they're snowflakes or whiny babies or can't feel safe without a death machine by their beds or any other reason that might make them look less like a rational adult who can handle life's problems without having to utterly destroy something. No, it's because they're protecting us all from the evil government. And so what if the government hasn't been the ones shooting innocent people on a daily basis and it's been the citizens who can get a gun as easy as they can get gum. I bet if guns were taken away and all the mass shootings by citizens stopped, the government would take over and do even worse mass shootings. So see? We need the guns and we won't give them up no matter how much wringing of their garments and demands for gun control the people who don't give a shit about guns and never think about guns on those few days of the year where just the right amount of people have been shot so that none of the shootings make the Fake News. Those people are hostages to the people who must have guns out of fear of the evil government or the out of control criminals (who are less likely to be black or Muslim or Mexican than white but that also is part of the nonsense of belief kept in the minds of the fearful...I mean brave gun owners).

People who refuse to even consider any kind of gun control don't give a shit about mass shootings but they're the ones who should, and the only ones who can get something to change. They're the ones who should be having the discussion because if they want to keep the right, they should come up with the plan for a safer America that doesn't sorely infringe on their gun ownership. What more can a non-gun person do but say "Do something! Anything!" They can't force them to give up their guns because they're outgunned! Instead, we're all hostages. Because the gun owners think that if a mass shooting erupts around them, they'll have a gun and stop it and they'll be safe no matter what. Basically they blame the victims for not being armed. So they shrug and think more guns are the answer and all the people who get shot in a shooting are dumb sheep who should have known better. They'll willingly trade the safety of people who don't carry a gun for their right to carry a gun. Even if that argument is pure bullshit and they'll never fucking stop a mass shooting no matter how many times they've imagined the scenario in their mind while jerking off with their guns.

Commercial break.

Now that it's after the commercial break, I'm a new program with a different voice and I'd like to apologize to African Americans for accusing you of wanting to steal my VCR. That was satire in the voice of an NRA Snowflake who totally thinks all gun crime is black crime. I know you don't really want my VCR. I don't even want my VCR. I mean, also, we know who the actual criminals are because they know they can get away with it. Especially now that the media and Hollywood have, for decades, ensured that police view black people as gang members and thugs while white people are just trying to find love in the wackiest situations.

Anyway, that's my social commentary for the month! I should comment every time there's a mass shooting but how much time do you think I have?! It would seriously cut into my Call of Duty time! And before you say something about Call of Duty somehow contributing to gun violence, I'd like you to know that I only run around the Call of Duty maps beating people to death with a shovel.

I should probably read this comic book now. But I only have time for the first story so I'll break this one up into parts.

The first story is called "Bump in the Night." It's written by Edward Lee who I don't know. It's drawn by Howard Porter who I do know and enjoy a lot! So even if the reading part of my brain is all "This writing is atrocious!" at least the seeing part of my brain will be all "Oh yeah! That's the stuff! Not the really good stuff that me and the ears really like. You know that stuff? The stuff with the women and the butt things and the moaning? But this will do for now!"

Oh, Keith Giffen is responsible for the plot. That probably means the script went something like this:

Ma Kent: "Opinion that is a bit opaque."
Pa Kent: "Response that doesn't quite make sense."
Ma Kent: "Comment that's interrupted by..."
Pa Kent: "Exclamation of frustration!"
Ma Kent: "Trying to clarify things for Pa."
Pa Kent: "Stubbornly maintains misinterpretation of Ma's original comment."
Ma Kent: "Exhausted!"
Pa Kent: "Remains proud of his ignorance."

I'll have to read the conversation three or four times before I feel I've grasped what it's about before moving on to the next confusing exchange between characters.


I don't know what "jack their jaws" means but I know what I want it to mean!

That's Pa Kent lying dead in the field. This is an Elseworlds Horror Story as you can tell by the cell phones being used by Ma and Pa Kent. Also that Pa is dead. He seems to have been killed by whatever came out of the ship that crashed in their field. My guess is that it wasn't baby Kal. Maybe this is an Alien/Superman crossover!

Martha is attacked by whatever was in the pod. It seems to be an overly cooked Superboy. At one point, as Ma is running from the creature, she thinks, "I promise I'll never rag about guns in the house again." See?! Americans also need guns to protect them from creatures from outer space! If guns were outlawed, only super strong creatures from out of space who can't be killed by guns would have guns!

After killing Martha, Toddler Clark who can only scream in Kryptonian letters flies off to destroy the world. I guess this story was a thought experiment. It's lucky Clark was only a baby when he got to Earth and could be raised and molded by loving parents because look what would have happened if he'd arrived when he was two! What a fucking monster!

Bump in the Night Rating: If you like seeing beloved characters killed by their cherished child, you're a sick fuck. Also, this story is for you. I wish there had been more guns.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Deadman #1


If you turn off your lights, this cover will glow in the dark.

By buying this comic book, I have committed a grievous sin. How do I justify purchasing this book written and drawn by Neal Adams when The Coming of the Supermen, also written and sort-of drawn by Neal Adams, was possibly the most terrible comic book I've read since September 2011? It was so bad that I blacked it out and I often forget to mention it as the worst comic. Other comics may have been drawn worse or edited more poorly or had substandard writing. But none of them had all of them put together! The worst part is that I feel bad saying that about Neal Adams and his work. He's just an old man who peaked decades ago and here I am shitting all over his modern work. Technically you can hardly tell that I'm shitting on it because who can tell two different shits apart, really? I suppose somebody might walk by and think, "Look at the way some of that shit is sitting awkwardly on top of that other bit of shit. I bet that's two pieces of shit and not just MC Escher shit!" It's not like my saying Neal Adams' last work at DC was terrible makes what he did any more or less terrible. Somebody with eyes and an ability to read and the stomach to purchase The Coming of the Supermen can experience exactly how terrible it was without any input from me! And yet here I am purchasing another new comic book completely written and drawn by Neal Adams. Well, that's what the cover says, at least. I'm sure the interior credits will mention some people who helped out. If not in this first issue, by the third at the very least.

So why am I encouraging DC to hire Neal Adams? Because I like Deadman, that's why! Plus I guess I sort of feel DC is doing the right thing by hiring older writers and artists. I mean, they could just retroactively give them a piece of the profits on characters they created. That would solve two problems in one move! The writers who were screwed out of any percentage of characters that became a windfall for the company get their money and I don't have to read any of their shitty new bullshit!

This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon inspecting nuclear sites in Japan. Why? Did I miss something in James Gordon's history that made him the ideal candidate for this job? Seriously though, did I? Because I don't understand how this could come about! It's possible it will be explained on the next page but who has the patience to wait for an explanation that far in the future?! I want to know why I'm so Goddamned confused right now! I mean aside from the simple confusion of trying to read a modern Neal Adams story.


When Neal Adams writes and draws a comic book, I wonder if he writes or draws first? I don't think it matters.

That scan is from page two. So two pages in and I've already got dozens of questions. The main one is how come James Gordon asks "Who're you?" when he sees his doppelgänger rather than "Should I get my dick out?" The next major question is why is James Gordon so into Japanese nuclear power plant seals? It doesn't say anything about his interest in them in his Who's Who entry. I'm least curious about who the second James Gordon is. I guess that's what happens when you take Commissioner Gordon out of Gotham and have him gallivanting about the planet working jobs he has no reason to be working. No wonder the nuclear reactor at Fukushima melted down. Maybe get some actual scientists and engineers in for inspections next time, guys.

Also touring the reactor? Boston Brand and the man who killed him. Separately, of course! Brand's assassin, Hook, has infiltrated the reactor with his team of eight henchmen. I don't know why they've come along since Hook screams at them that James Gordon, the target, is his. I guess they're just supposed to wander around looking for him. Boston Brand has come because Hook is here and he thinks this is his chance to kill him. I wonder if Neal Adams had a short story sitting around about a takeover of a nuclear reactor and he decided to use it for the basis of the Deadman script when DC contacted him.

I wonder if DC even contacted him? Maybe Neal Adams calls daily asking if they'll let him write a series. And since Deadman wasn't really being used, why not give him a chance to make him really popular again? Or completely ruin him, which is more likely.

Neal Adams gets tired of writing the already incomprehensible story of Gordon's trip to Japan so Deadman has a flashback to another time he failed to kill Hook.

I probably shouldn't even be writing this review if all I'm going to do is shit all over an old man. It's going to be really embarrassing when the old man recognizes me at a con and kicks my ass.

At one point, the Narrator called Boston Brand "Casper" and I got really confused for awhile. But that's not as bad as how confused I was when the Narrator explained how the Hook killed Boston but was accused by the League of Assassins of failing to kill Boston even though he obviously did kill Boston. It seems to have something to do with Boston Brand having a twin brother and a strongman named Tiny?

I'm not sure Neal Adams cared or understood Boston Brand's origin story. The gist of it is that Boston Brand needed to kill The Hook for some kind of karmic justice. But The Hook was killed by somebody else and so Deadman never found peace. In this one, Adams has introduced (or regurgitated) a bunch of elements to explain why The Hook would be killed by the League after succeeding in killing Boston.


Is it funny? Is it?

Deadman watches Hook's body drop into some water through a trapdoor. There is a large splash and Deadman thinks, "Splash?! Yeah . . . this will never be done. Sensei . . . teacher . . . lives up to his name. Disposed of Hook's body. Very efficient. League of Assassins . . . any cold-blooded killer could learn a lot from these monsters. And now a new assignment, busywork for Hook." It's like reading an Ann Nocenti script on acid! And I mean both that Nocenti wrote the script while on acid and the reader read the comic on acid in that analogy! My best interpretation of the moment as a whole is that Deadman has been awestruck by the idea that somebody would hide a body after killing it, thus thwarting justice! As for the "this will never be done" part, I have no idea what he's talking about at that moment. Did he want to fuck Hook's corpse? Who can tell? That's one possibility as likely as any other! And then it ends with Deadman simply ignoring everything he just thought about Hook being dead and stating that Hook (who he just mentioned was super dead and disposed of) now has to do the League's busy work by killing James Gordon. What the fuck now?

I suppose I should just forget all of that and just get back into the present story. Deadman wants revenge against Hook who is still alive even though the flashback showed how dead he was. That's the motivation. Although I still don't know the motivation for Gordon inspecting Japanese nuclear facilities or Hook's need to kill Gordon outside of Gotham. Oh! And I can't forget the sudden appearance of James Gordon's evil twin brother!


Fine. Here's one win for Neal Adams. I always enjoy a good bowel movement reference, no matter how absurdly or awkwardly placed in the dialogue.

Because Batman is on the cover and Evil Twin James Gordon recognizes Deadman when he possesses a Japanese worker, I have to assume Evil James Gordon is actually Batman who caught wind of this assassination plot and showed up to thwart it. Or maybe he didn't know about the plot at all and he was just as curious as I am as to why James Gordon has suddenly become an expert in Japanese nuclear reactors.

Evil Gordon reveals himself to be Batman. He's on the trail of whoever hired Hook to kill Gordon and he claims it wasn't Sensei because Batman killed Sensei himself. You heard me! Deadman was similarly shocked by the revelation! Batman killed a man! And proudly admitted it! What could possibly be going on?! I mean other than Neal Adams not giving a fuck and the editors being told to just lay off the script and let the man have his fun?


Sensei didn't slip between your fingers! When were you ever trying to kill Sensei?! You were just trying to stop him from killing Hook. This doesn't make any sense at all!

It turns out Batman didn't kill the Sensei but admits later that the Sensei is as good as dead. I don't know why Batman couldn't have told Deadman the stuff he tells him later. I suppose it's because Neal Adams doesn't really fucking know where the story is going. Anyway, Deadman gets a clue to head to Hong Kong in search of the Sensei. I guess the Sensei is the one Deadman wants to kill now since he put out the hit on Boston Brand. I mean, technically he didn't because Hook got to choose his own target and chose it from a poster, as stated earlier in the story. But Deadman doesn't seem to want to kill The Hook anymore. He could have back in the nuclear reactor but instead decided to yell at Batman for a bit and leave the assassins unconscious on the ground.

Deadman #1 Rating: This comic book is as good as a shit flavored scratch and sniff sticker. I still don't know why James Gordon was inspecting nuclear reactors. It's not like the battle against The Hook needed to take place there. Couldn't Neal Adams have come up with a place that made more sense? Like maybe a visit to the proctologist? Or a Police Commissioner's convention? This is going to bother me for weeks.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1


"I have no penis!"

I probably don't really need to read this, do I? I almost certainly won't have anything intellectual to say about it. And don't think I don't hear the snickering after that line and the mumbled "You never do!"s! I also don't want to hear any criticism of the structure of that previous sentence! It communicated what I wanted to communicate and that's all that matters! I think I've run out of my daily allotment of exclamation points. I wasn't being calm in that previous sentence; it's just that — if you were paying attention — you'd remember that I ran out of exclamation points. But that's okay because now I'm going to use a bunch of semicolons and em dashes[exclamation point]

I would also like to clarify — before the Actually Nerds show up and shit down my everything — I realize Devastator has tights on in the cover and maybe — just maybe — he has an incredibly flat and minuscule penis. It's also possible that Doomsday lost his penis to one of his resurrections because he was kicked in the junk to death and needed to be reborn so that that would never happen again. Now the Actually Nerds are going to say something like, "Then why wouldn't he just lose his testicles?!" Well, maybe he did just lose them! But then maybe some hot alien lured him to his death with a blow job and his body was all, "Get rid of the penis so that that never happens again!" Now the Actually Nerds are all, "If he already lost his testicles, why would he be interested in a blow job?!" Well, you know what? I don't have all the fucking answers! If you want to go around simply being contrarian for the sake of how smart you think it makes you look, go ahead! But know this: nobody likes you! Also, I seem to have gotten a new shipment of exclamation points!

Here's an interesting and unsurprising fact about this issue: James Tynion IV wrote the script even though he wasn't credited on the cover. My guess is that Frank Tieri wrote a script but for once in their stupid lives, the editors rejected it. For once, the editors picked up a script that was delivered on time, actually read it, thought it was terrible, and didn't shrug their shoulders and think, "At least we'll make the deadline, Lobdell!" For once, their laziness didn't win out. My guess is that half of Frank Tieri's script was Batman calling Superman a fag and even though the editors were entertained by it and found themselves muttering under their breath, "Ha ha. Fag," they realized the shit would hit the fandom. They needed to call Scott Snyder for some last minute help. Not because Snyder would write the script. No, they just needed him to release Tynion from the Gimp Oubliette in his backyard.

I suppose people read online comic book reviews to either learn about what happened in a comic book they don't want to pay the exorbitant cover price for or because they want to know if it's worth picking up. I doubt many read them to hear what the reviewer thinks will happen in the comic book before the reviewer even reads it. But I'm sure there are one or two people out there who find my thoughts interesting. It would be nice if I could say three or four people but fuck you, Mom and Dad! I am too a failure! I mean a success!

My guess is that Batman the Devastator came into being when Batman realized the only real way to ever stop Superman if he goes rogue is to become the one thing that has a history of sort-of killing Superman: Doomsday! It's a good thing I'm not Batman because I enjoy whimsy and randomness so much that I'd just go for shoving Red Kryptonite in Superman's face to see what happens. In the real universe, Batman realized becoming Doomsday was a stupid idea because then he'd kill Superman and go on to kill the rest of the people on Earth. But in the Dark Multiverse, Dark Batman was all, "Yes! I know I vowed to never allow any other rich kid suffer the trauma of their parents' death but it's not like Jon Kent is rich! He's just a dumb farmer's kid. He'll get over his father's death way easier than a sheltered little mama's boy who never had to experience any harshness from life! So I can probably kill Superman and not really go back on the vow I made when I realized the world wasn't all day trips to the bank to look at my father's money." So Dark Batman injects Doomsday DNA into his butthole and WHAMMO! Batman the Devastator! Then the rest of the story is just like the other Metal Tie-ins. Batjoker appears and recruits Devastator who goes to Earth-Main-Earth's Metropolis to completely destroy it. Then Doctor Fate shows up and Superman goes to Bucky the Chimp's bar and...well, you've seen that part of the story.

So the plot of this issue was written by Frank Tieri while the words are Tynion's. How much did Tieri get paid for basically telling the same story that has been told in all the other issues? "Here's the plot, guys: Batman has a bad thought which turns the Batman of a Dark Universe Earth into that Devastator guy. Things go wrong when Batman decides killing is okay! But then he realizes he can't save the world because the world is ending when Batjoker appears and takes him to Earth-0. Then, um, well, you know. Just end it like the others ended. Doctor Destiny appears to save the day or whatever. Then maybe Batman can put some gay magazines in Devastator's backpack to make him look gay. Ha ha!"


I would like to say I was surprised by this Finch...I mean Daniel double-page spread but Tumblr's confusiongrows already spoiled it for me. Also, it's Tony S. Daniel. Was anybody actually surprised by it?

I bet Tony S. Daniel can get a decent amount of money for the original art of this double-page spread because it features Lobo. Also it features Batman and Doomsday, sort of. Plus over thirty percent of it is snow and who doesn't like snow?!

At the end of this battle, Devastator throws Lobo into the sun. I think. I mean, it's not like they spend twelve to fifteen issues showing Lobo travelling through space before he winds up flying into the sun. Devastator just tosses him into the air and the next panel it looks like Lobo is about to hit the sun and then the next panel Lobo is saying, "Frag it all." But Lobo's hair and face aren't on fire in the third panel so maybe that panel is just Lobo about to leave the Earth's atmosphere as he realizes what's going to happen in about, um, two years maybe?


I just decided that I don't give a fuck about this movie. Unless, of course, the Mercedes is acknowledged as an actual member of the League.

I hope Volkswagen gets to be a member of the X-men next year.

Later, when Devastator is telling Lois the story about how he killed Superman on Earth-Negative-One, Tony S. Daniel gives us another double-page spread. This one has far less snow in it. But it has a lot of dust! That's practically snow. So if any of you snow lovers couldn't pick up the original art of the first page, I'm sure the dust on this page looks just like snow in pencil!

You know the rest of the story even if you haven't read this one. Or any of the tie-ins since the story is so basic. Batman decided to ignore his no killing rule and everything went to hell. I guess this one is a bit different in that Superman is the one who stopped being sane. But Batman still kills in it!

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1 Ranking: The premise of this issue is that everybody gets lazy because Superman promises to keep them safe. That's the usual complaint against Superman. People stop protecting themselves or their world because Superman is always there to save the day. This is the kind of extrapolation that relies on believing that everybody on this planet are pathetic, lazy idiots who need looking after. I resent it! Why can't we believe other people are strong and smart and...oh wait. I forgot Donald Trump was president of the United States. Never mind.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1


Is that Deathstork's Godslayer sword?

On one hand, I should be thrilled to see Tomasi's name on one of these Batman the Adjective books, especially since the next one has both Tieri and Daniel's names on the cover. But I know Tomasi has a history of writing shit stories based on editorial edicts. I get how he wouldn't care about writing a story that isn't his own. I can see how writing a crap story based on an editor's crap ideas probably makes him feel good about sticking it to the man. Why can't they do like he did and stop editing to become a writer if they're so fucking great at coming up with stories?! My main problem with his rebellion is that the readers become collateral damage. Now I also have to read Tomasi's "just enough to cash a paycheck" story?! Well, I suppose it's better than being subjected to Batman the Merciless written and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

No fucking way. What am I saying?! I would love to mock that fucking book!

Batman the Merciless's origin story takes place on Earth-Negative-Twelve. According to the Multiversity Guidebook, Earth-12 (not Earth--12! (which also shouldn't be confused with Earth—12! (that's Earth with an em dash before the 12 if you couldn't figure out what makes it different from Earth-12!))) is where Batman Beyond takes place. It doesn't look like that's the case for Earth-Negative-Twelve. Although it's possible because what do I know about Batman Beyond except that it had so many recent terrible versions that I've grown to hate it more than I hate the regular DC Universe.

Some of you might be thinking, "How can you review DC Comics if you hate the DC Universe?" I'm much too polite to respond to that since my response would be "Fuck you! It's my choice to waste the precious moments in my finite life screaming and ranting like a lunatic because I wasted more money on total garbage!"

I mean, I kid, DC! I kid! Your universe is fantastic and imaginative! The people running DC must have a great imagination if they can somehow imagine Neal Adams is going to write and draw an entertaining take on Deadman. Did they read the last thing they let him write, The Coming of the Supermen? It was a total mess! It wasn't even sensical enough for me to use the term nonsensical! It was so far past nonsensical that anybody saying it had come back around to sensical are idiots because it was super nonsensical!

I kind of can't wait to read Neal Adams' Deadman now!

Before Wonder Batman came to Earth-Main-Earth, he was just plain old Batman battling Ares, the God of War. Everybody was dead except Batman and Ares. And since Ares was still one of the last two people left alive, it meant the two couldn't live in peace.


I suppose we should all be tolerant of cowboys but can't you at least make them wear the proper uniform for their current job?

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1 Rating: Apparently I didn't have anything more to say about this story because I've just finished reading it. It was just like all the rest! Batman on a Negative Earth decided to drop his rule against killing and becomes a self-deluded monster. Then BatJoker convinces him to travel to Earth-Main-Earth where he can continue to act like an asshole. While the dialogue and characters were better written than in the previous Dark Nights tie-ins, the story was just as bland. I couldn't even figure out what bad thought of Batman's created this Negative World. It couldn't have been when he decides to wear Ares' helmet to save the world because that's exactly something Batman would do without a second thought. Maybe it was when he killed Wonder Woman after putting on the helmet. That's not a great thought, right? I suppose Batman was at a buffet somewhere and Wonder Woman took the last cup of pudding with Vanilla Wafers and he thought, just for a brief second, about killing her for it. That's when Earth-Negative-Twelve came into existence!