Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!