Sunday, July 31, 2016

Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

But Hal Jordan missed all of that because he was off trying to find the Green Lantern Corps for some reason! I guess because he thinks of himself as a leader so he needs people to lead. Plus he had a brand new cool Green Lantern ring that he made all by himself and he desperately wanted to rub it in Guy Gardner's smug face.

Joween, Joween, Joween, Joween!

Hal Jordan has come to the planet Joween because, I assume, somebody stole somebody's man. Although is that really theft when the man has a will of his own? I mean, if my sexy lamp decided it wanted to light up somebody else's life, should I blame that somebody else or should I blame my sexy lamp?

I was pretty close with the guess about a man being missing! Except it's a lot of men that have gone missing. And women! And other entities gendered in a way that I can't comprehend being that they're aliens and probably have all sorts of different kinds of genitals that I wouldn't understand. I barely understand the genitals we have here on Earth!

While Hal beats up on leads to get more leads to beat up on so that he might eventually find his lost Corps, Sinestro stands on the balcony of his Recreational Vehicle waiting for the Parallax Viagra to kick in.

He's talking about sex with Lyssa. I think.

Somehow and somewhere, in some title I was apparently not reading, the Sinestro Corps have taken charge of the entire universe. I guess when Earth embraced the Sinestro Corps after it saved them from the Pope of Autism, it was representative of the Sinestro Corps being accepted by the entire universe. That's understandable because the Earth is really all that matters in the DC Universe. They're also the most stubborn, so if they can accept the Sinestro Corps as their saviors, why shouldn't the rest of the universe?

Sinestro's plan, now that the universe is in order, is to make everybody in the universe fear stepping out of line. That seems like reasonable. It's the only reason I don't go out and burn cars every night. I fear what would happen if somebody else decided to go out and burn cars every night! And while logically I know that my not burning cars is not preventing other people from burning cars, it still feels that by not burning cars myself, I'm somehow holding other people to the same terms. Think about that! That tacit agreement to not go around destroying everybody else's shit is the only thing holding civilization together! It's not the cops or the government or a religious moral code. It's just this vague hope that everybody else just toes the line along with you! It's why old people find teenagers so scary! Because they know teenagers care more about fun than getting along! Also because teenagers don't usually own their own property so what do they care if a bunch of cars burn? Oh man. I'm starting to fear teenagers!

Did I mention how Parallax looks like he's just an metaphor for Sinestro's manhood? Okay, I was pretty sure I'd mentioned it somewhere before. But, being Rebirth, I should point it out again. Parallax is just Sinestro's junk manifested into fear.

The scene shifts back to Joween where Green Lantern learns that the other Green Lanterns just disappeared into thin air a few months ago. I'm sure when he finds them, it'll be like the final scene on the beach in Goonies. "It was terrible! We were just going about our business when suddenly a pitch meeting of a half-assed idea caught us up in its gravity!" "I was minding my own business when suddenly I was being written by a hack in another universe!" "The octopus was the scariest part!"

While he's interviewing the brigands, Hal has an attack of Willpower. Or Fear. Or Diarrhea. That's the brown spectrum. Ba da dump!

Lyssa has to stand this way because the front of her outfit is Teen Plus Rated.

Soranik is surprised to see her father come around the corner looking forty years younger with a massive erection. Lyssa is all, "Daddy is feeling better! Which means Mommy will be soon!" No, seriously. She actually said that! That wasn't me paraphrasing! Those were the actual words she used! Oh, except for the Mommy line. I did add that. But the Daddy line was all hers!

Sinestro goes on and on about Sinestro's might which I guess I'd expect from somebody who thought they'd never get it up again. The members of the Sinestro Corps cheer his raging hard-on as he tells them about his renewed strength and power. But the only way to keep strength and power, he warns, is to use it! That's when Lyssa floods her shoes and collapses in a huge orgasm.

Venditti must be thanking all the gods of writing that Trump is happening right now. Allegory!

Soranik isn't happy about this turn of events because she was led to believe that she was going to be leader. Sinestro was supposed to die and she was supposed to use fear to instill order! I don't know how she would have done it any different though. Maybe the way I mentioned earlier. Just a low level fear jolt spread across all the residents of the universe so that they're too timid to cause trouble. That's different than what Sinestro plans to do only by degree, of course!

I really have a hard time remembering the name of any Sinestro Corps members whose outfits don't reach down to just under the top of their vagina so I'll just describe them. Triple Scoop Face and Skull in Jelly have arrived at Joween (Joween! Joween JOWEEEEEEEEEN!) to instill some fear. They don't realize that the fear tables are going to be turned against them when Hal Jordan steps out of the shadows and sprays his green spew all over them. The Yellow Lanterns are all, "*BBRRRRRRPPPPP*" and "*SQQQUUUIIIISSSSHHHLLLLEEEEZZ*", respectively, as they shit themselves.

Elsewhere in the universe, the Green Lantern Corps finally escape the shitty Lost Army bullshit they were shit shittily into. Normally I wouldn't point out that I feel any emotion at all because I almost certainly don't but I did smile at the double page spread of their arrival. I guess sometimes double page splashes are effective!

The Review!
Is this all it took for me to finally get back on board the Green Lantern Express as it barrels down the tracks to smash into the universe which Sinestro has maniacally tied to the tracks while twirling Lyssa's pubic mustache? I'm not good with analogies. Or metaphors. Or whatever that was I just attempeted. How about I just say I'm enjoying the DC Rebirth comic with the worst title, Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps? It shouldn't be any surprise though because I liked Venditti's Green Lantern when Hal was all by himself. Robert gets Hal and I'm hoping he gets Guy and John and Kilowog too! Oh, and he also seems to get Sinestro! Because this is a Sinestro I can appreciate! I think I can appreciate him because he's the villain who thinks he's the hero who simply appreciates order at any cost and not just that he's not being written by Cullen Bunn. I mean, that's a plus, but I like to believe that I've got some unbiased critical thoughts!

Nightwing #1

"Nightwing" is a palindrome for people with a serious speech impediment.

The Commentary!
"Nightwing is a palindrome" isn't as sexy as it sounds if it sounded to you like "Nightwing is a pal in Rome." That's probably a euphemism like "from the other side of the shore" or "whitewashing the kidneys." This beginning isn't as off-topic as you're probably thinking it is because, as we saw in Nightwing Rebirth #1, DC Comics has finally decided to let Dick Grayson out of the closet! He is now as gay as every fanfiction writer has been portraying him! Okay, maybe not that gay yet. I mean, he hasn't tasted every dick and male asshole in the DC Universe just yet! Give him some time! Rebirth just began last month!

I know I always say "I know what you're thinking" (even though I rarely actually know (unless what you're thinking is, "Gee, Tess, you're kind of an asshole!")) but this time I think I really do know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "I would say Nightwing is bisexual and not actually gay because remember Starfire and Batgirl and Raya and Helena?" Wow, now that I list all the women he's been with, I'm impressed! Four women! Of course, he only did mutual masturbation with Batgirl, so I'm not sure that counts. Um, anyway, getting back to Dick and his penchant for it, I'm fairly certain Nightwing Rebirth #1 was all about him coming out of the closet and, in so doing, revealed that the women had all been trendy facial hair. Although he's probably going to do it to a lot of ladies in this comic book, so I should just go with the bisexual angle. It's going to be hard to keep defending the Nightwing is gay claim if he just bangs woman after woman and we never even see him kiss a guy. Which we won't because DC Comics likes claiming characters are gay but rarely let's them do anything about it¹.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Detective Comics #937

Republicans are going to be all, "I hate Batman because he cut up a flag!" But they'll also be, "I love Batman because he beats the shit out of thugs! And you know what we mean by thugs! We're the party of racism!"

The Commentary!
I would say that I hope I didn't offend any conservative readers of my blog with that initial caption but I doubt I have any conservative readers. Also, I don't care about offending them. If a person can't see how Reagan's tax cuts led directly to the destruction of the middle class, that person isn't worth a moment of my time. If a person doesn't think everybody deserves health care simply because they won't be able to cut in line for their heart transplant they need because they ate too much blended goose liver, they're not worth acknowledging as human beings let alone Christians (which they probably think they are and the only reason I mention it. What the fuck do I care if somebody is a Christian?). If a person is annoyed that I'm painting Republicans with a wide brush and they've now gotten some paint on themselves, they should probably think about the people they've with whom they've allied and whether or not their vision of America is the one moving into the future or the one pouting in Time Out because they refuse to not be fucking dicks. What the fuck do I care if I offend them? It's not like they're going to support my Patreon anyway. I mean, even liberals won't do that! And they pretend to care about art!

Yes, this is art, asshole! What more do I need to do? Shit on a picture of the Virgin Mary?!

The issue begins with some of Colonel Kane's Batmen inventorying Batman's utility belt. This is a perfect chance for some really good sex jokes! "Item 40: Stank ass Bat Ben Wa Balls. Item 41: Metal rod for sounding. Item 42: Bigger metal rod for sounding. Item 43: Even bigger metal rod for sounding." Instead they just find the normal stuff: laser cutters, rebreathers, lockpicks, Kryptonite, gerbils. I don't know how he fits it all in that belt! Although the bigger mystery is why does he even need a belt anyway. It's not like he wears pants.

The Batmen find a piece of Kryptonite in Batman's bat belt and now I'm wondering how he could have even conceived Damian with that hanging around his testicles. I knew Talia was fucking lying! Damian's real father is probably Java.

Batman is currently hanging about in some kind of high tech pillory device.

The General? Is that why Colonel Kane started his own army? To give himself a promotion?

Batman spits out his Smoke Screen Tooth which is something I didn't know he had. Then he pulls his extra Batarangs out of their special hiding place. You can probably guess the hiding place if you knew the definition of "sounding." And just like that, Batman escapes his prison! But before he knocks out both guards, he leans he's being held in "The Cave." Christ. Leave it to the military to rename something to make it even more boring.

Batman makes it to the main part of the cave and looks down on at least seventy infringements on his trademarks. Also hanging from the ceiling is an obvious American flag knockoff. Why so many red and white stripes?! And why is the first stripe under the blue field of white stars red?! I'm not even a Republican and I think this is a gross injustice! Mostly because it's so easy to type "flag of United States" into Google Images for a reference! This is just lazy!

Meanwhile, Batwoman and the Batkids have begun their first live action exercise in the field. Is that a thing military people say? I bet I fucked it all up, right? I suppose I could ask Lord Google but what am I? Not lazy and not a hypocrite?! Yeah, right!

Suddenly they're attacked by Doomsday! No, wait. That's just the Snickers advertisement. Never mind.

So the first subway system was built hundreds of feet underground? What a pain in the ass to walk down the stairs to that!

Rather than rebuilding a completely new subway system, wouldn't it be cheaper to order smaller subway trains? It has to be cheaper than building a new subway line! Also, don't you think they would have figured out the tunnels were too small almost immediately? Do you actually finish an entire system before ever putting a car on the tracks? Once again, I suppose I could research building subway tunnels! But I'd rather just rely on believing that they would have some kind of trains on the tracks to transfer materials further down the lines. And wouldn't somebody working the job probably have some experience building subways in other cities? And wouldn't that person maybe notice the railed cars used to deliver supplies to build further down the tunnel didn't fit quite like they usually did? And wouldn' know what? I just remembered I'm reading a comic book! I think I'm supposed to just think, "Holy shit! What an awesome idea! A Bat-Subway! Fuck yeah, motherfuckers! CHOO CHOO!"

So I guess Tim Drake is so smart that he skipped right past building model trains into building hypothetical rail gun trains. Did he do it all himself? I'm not sure I'd trust a train built by a 16 year old who doesn't sleep (his own words!). Take a nap and get back to me, asshole.

Tim did manage to figure out where The Cave was by being a genius though, so I can't be too rough on the little squirt. Plus he's fucking Spoiler. Way to go, brah! This is the part where I high five somebody else with a penis and we both pretend that we have big, mighty penises and have never cried over a girl before.

Back at The Cave, Batman notices some articles about Batman being seen around the world. How the hell did his Bat-computer not alert him to these sighting prior to this? Batman just hasn't been himself since the dionysium healed all of his childhood trauma! I'm not sure he cares about justice as much as he used to. There's only one way to get him back on track: let him have sex with Batgirl and then let the Joker cripple and rape her. I can't see any way around it! He needs to seriously suffer and what better way than by making Batgirl suffer, first through the betrayal of a parental figure pursuing a sexual relationship with her, and then through the trauma of answering the door and finding a fucking clown standing there. Oh, also the gunshot and the probable rape. That shit will really hurt Batman bad!

While wandering about The Cave, Batman takes down an IT dork and begins trying to extract information from the nerd.

An army of Batmen?! Trademark infringement #71!

This guy is yet another teenage genius. Every time DC Comics introduces another teenager who is a "genius" and can do incredible things that nobody could ever possibly do, I just picture a million hands reaching out from DC Headquarters to masturbate every teen reader in the world.

Odysseus here tells Batman that this Batmen Army Project has been going on for over two years. Too bad Batman was so busy building playgrounds for the underprivileged Gotham kids. Now he's got a huge mess to clean up because these are real soldiers killing real enemies all under the name of the Batman. Shit, Batman is going to get so rich from the lawsuit.

Odysseus stalls long enough for Colonel Kane (Uncle Jake to Batman!) to arrive and have a family meeting with Batman.

The League of Shadows sounds an awful lot like the Court of Owls!

Before Batman can be shot in the head, Batwoman and the Batkids arrive to save the day! Except the day will have to wait to be saved for two weeks because that's the end of the issue.

The Review!
Aside from the League of Shadows idea being a nearly exact replica of the Court of Owls idea, I'm being entertained by this comic book. Also aside from the sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the other sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the name of this issue being "The Great Escape" and yet nobody escaped. I think those are my only issues with the story. Maybe the whole Bat-subway explanation too. But other than that, the two pages that didn't have any of that stuff on them were great!

Action Comics #960

Superman has plumber's butt on his chest.

The Commentary!
Actually Nerds are really actuallying me to the point of distraction! The worst thing about an Actually Nerd is that they think they're the only ones who can make jokes. God forbid you dare try to fucking make a joke around an Actually Nerd! Unless, I suppose, your joke relies on heavily researched and annotated material. They also generally believe they're the only ones who have ever really thought their own opinions through so it's not rare to find an Actually Nerd is also a Devil's Advocate. Don't they know how fucking insulting it is to think a forty-four year old person hasn't been made constantly miserable by thinking and rethinking their life's decisions or their personal ethics or that one time they were taking a shit when the comic book store called to set up an interview for the job and they completely missed their chance?! My whole fucking life could have been different!

I don't mind Actually Nerds in person because they usually get the hint that I don't want to hear their fucking master's thesis on whatever facts I twisted for the stupid joke I just made due to my constant jerking off motion while they speak and by the amount of times my eyes roll back in my head. If they don't notice those things (like if the Actually Nerd is blind), I'll groan really loudly and say, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" But on the Internet, my only recourse is to reply to them with some horribly sarcastic and snarky response which they'll completely miss the point and probably Actually that as well.

I've decided the only way to avoid Actually Nerds is to stop having opinions. And since I can't stop having those, I guess I just have to deal with them.

This issue begins with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) watching Superman battle Doomsday. It's some kind of test he dreamt up to see if Superman will ever choose to use his brain over punching conflicts into submission. After Superman's encounter with Eradicator in his self-titled comic book, I think we know the answer to that quiz.

Or maybe not! Because maybe Superman won't have to defeat Doomsday this time. Maybe Lex Luthor or Wonder Woman will!

Tyler Kirkham definitely went to the same art school as David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I think it was called "School of Art and Design and Drawing Women (Fourteen Years or Younger Only)".

Let me "Actually!" myself! Actually, maybe she doesn't look that young here (although maybe she does!). It's just so similar to Finch and Daniel because her face is so smooth and her eyes so shiny and her lips so full while Clark's face is lined and his lips are practically non-existent. I'm sure his eyes would be dull as well but you can't really see them. It's like these artists at DC have never seen a man underneath good lighting and have only ever seen women under the best lighting direction in the world.

On second thought, Wonder Woman totally looks like a teenager in that scan. And Clark Kent looks like an Actually Nerd.

Wonder Woman wastes time telling Clark Kent to get medical attention when she could be stopping Doomsday. Isn't this always the way? A woman is trying to get shit done and a guy is all, "But what about me?! Take care of me! Can I call you Mother?"

I keep telling people "NO!" as well but they still insist that I pay bills, pay rent, take showers, eat, not scream at people on the streets, make an effort. It's exhausting!

Wonder Woman tells Kent that she'll get to the bottom of his existence because "the dead don't come back to life." When did she start believing that?! She knows Hades personally! She knows people can come back to life! I think what she's really saying is, "I will get to the bottom of this later and by "bottom of this," I mean your penis in my vagina."

Meanwhile, Superman continues to fight Doomsday. I can't decide if Doomsday looks cool with all of those stony protrusions or if he just looks like an out of control Amish man. Somebody put a wide brim black hat on him.

I hate the spoken phrase "black hat." Is it a hat caught in a high tree top? Or a cat?! How can you tell without cheating and looking at the lyric sheet! I also hate the spoken phrases "black eyes/black ice/black guys"! I thought my grandma was completely racist for years when I'd go drive somewhere in the cold. "Watch out for the black guys!" I kept thinking she was saying!

Somebody forgot to put in the pussy drying up sound effect.

Last time Preboot Superman fought Doomsday, he relied on his fists and he died. This time, Superman thinks, "What if I rely on my fists?!" I think maybe he has brain damage from the last time he fought Doomsday.

Wonder Woman looks so young here that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about that pussy drying up comment.

Superman decides that maybe the punching isn't the best idea. So he decides to smash buses over Doomsday's head. I guess that's technically a different tactic. Lex Luthor hasn't made an appearance yet because he's evacuating the city which takes a long time. Superman finally realizes that maybe it would be easier to take Doomsday out of Metropolis! I can't wait until he realizes he should call the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Back at the Super-Smith farm, Jon screams his fool head off and Doomsday hears him. Doomsday, apparently a pedophile, takes off through the sewers to go get him a piece of Superman's son. If you were molested by an unstoppable alien creature designed to destroy everything in its path, I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories.

For some reason, Clark Kent is still hanging around taking notes so he can write up a big story about the fight that nobody will read because they all watched the fight live on television. What is Clark Kent going to bring to the experience with his lousy words?! Will he have some insightful take on the experience that would make reading The Daily Plaent worth being bored to tears? I wonder if I should ask myself the same question! Why would anybody want to read my thoughts on a comic book that they can read themselves?! Oh shit! My pussy just dried up!

It is ingenious since the "in" prefix can turn the word into its opposite meaning! Luthor is so bad at science!

This is why people don't believe in evolution. Because they don't actually understand evolution. Although if I'm being fair to the imagined comic book concept, I suppose Doomsday's creator's plan could work but I have to wonder why he needed his "baby" to die over and over again. Instead of sending Doomsday into a harsh environment to discover he could only live without water for three days and, only after that discovery, genetically programmed Doomsday's system so that it could survive without water for four days, couldn't he have just created a Doomsday that never needs water right from the start? If he were an imaginative person, he could have created a creature that was invulnerable, immortal, super strong, and could make people cry by performing Othello. The scientist didn't need to put Doomsday through all that torture! It's not like Doomsday dying somehow changed his DNA! It was just to give the scientist an idea of what to program for and against!

Unless I'm totally understanding the Doomsday situation incorrectly! Maybe I should just pretend evolution is exactly like creationism and move on.

I've never died once and I hate all life too!

Basically Doomsday reproduces asexually but only after he dies and with the added benefit of somehow gaining new traits that prevent him from dying in the way he died previously. That's way too fucking complicated and sadistic. Doomsday's dad really should have just gone with the whole invulnerable and immortal thing.

For some reason, Doomsday hates Kryptonians more than anybody else (except maybe Booster Gold). I guess his creator was not only a sadist but a racist as well.

Superman and Wonder Woman fly off to make sure Jon and Lois are okay. It gives Lois and Diana a chance to meet so that Lois can say, "Where we come from, Wonder Woman and I are friends. Close friends." Whoa! I know what an emphasis on "close" means in this context! Now I can't wait for the new comic book, "Lois Lane, Wonder Woman's Close Friend." Is it just a coincidence that "close" and "closeted" are spelled so similarly?

Doomsday shows up to punch Wonder Woman in the face as Lois and Jon drive off to safety. I guess next issue is the big battle. But how will Superman win if Doomsday just dies and comes back and is all, "You can't punch me to death now, Brah!" Then Wonder Woman will have to choke him to death with her lasso and he'll come back and be all, "You can't choke me to death with your lasso now, Brah!" And Superman will be all, "You know what that means, right, Doomy? No danger to you during autoerotically pleasuring yourself! Have at!" Then Superman will hand Doomsday a rope and Doomsday will disappear inside of a closet and never be heard from again.

The Review!
I own the Death of Superman issue but I don't remember reading it. Which is a shame because I know I opened the bag it came in and read it. I should have just read my friend Upright's copy! If I did remember reading it, would this story be more exciting? Would I appreciate the dramatic tension more? Or would it still be just another boring fist fight that I'm being told might be the death of Superman so that I'll think it's more exciting than it really is? I wonder if Dan Jurgens was just killing time on the last few scripts as he tried to think of a way Superman could defeat Doomsday using his brains instead of his fists. My main problem with this comic book is that I know it isn't written exclusively for adults because the only scene I really want to see is the one where Wonder Woman chops Doomsday's dick off.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

Green Arrow #3

I predicted this is how Green Arrow would die.

The Review!
How did Benjamin Percy finally find a way to make a readable Green Arrow comic book? Especially when he seemed so intent on making the worst Green Arrow comic book? Okay, so maybe that was a bit hyperbolic. It's hard to write the worst Green Arrow comic book when Ann Nocenti wrote it for awhile. It's not like this book doesn't have some issues. But why would I concentrate on the problems when everybody is constantly concentrating on the minute, insignificant problems of everything always? Would I do that because I know people are used to me doing that?! No way! This is Rebirth! I'm way more positive now because the DC PR Machine has told me to be! Things are turning around! Things are getting better! Legacy characters and love are back! I guess. I don't know. I'm not a big picture kind of person! Maybe that's why I usually concentrate on the minute, insignificant problems that even pop up in comic books I like. Anyway, DC Comics is finally delivering a Green Arrow comic book that fits the character and is being handled adeptly and has even introduced a villainous organization that makes fucking sense. Although I'm still weary about this book because Benjamin Percy is the writer who wrote a number of Green Arrow stories during The New 52 to help remind everybody that racism was bad and that no white people can understand that until they've become a werewolf for a week or two.

The Commentary!
Recently, Green Arrow had lost all of his money and been declared dead¹. It seems like writers believe Oliver's money and standing are too much of a safety net so they find a way to remove them. Or maybe it's just too much of a hassle to have to deal with both halves of Ollie's life, although he normally just ignores the business half of his life so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe it's thematic but who has the time or intelligence to delve into themes?! I'm too busy trying to seem busy and too dumb to understand the different between theme and plot. I think it's the spelling!

Green Arrow is currently breaking into Queen Industries corporate headquarters because he knows the CFO² is somehow involved with the Moloid Slave Trade in Seattle. The best way to break into Queen Industries is to buy a ticket to ride up the Space Needle, evade all of the guards on the lookout for terrorists who would love to blow up the only recognizable landmark in Seattle, somehow get outside of the revolving restaurant to stand on top of the Space Needle, shoot an arrow with a rope to Queen Industries, and then laser through the glass! After that, it's just a matter of evading the guards until he finds whatever it is he's looking for! Or if he can't evade the guards, he can knock them out with the harshest, scariest sounding drug he could develop.

That assault rifle looks an awful lot like a flashlight!

Queen Industries has the craziest technology to keep the building safe. Probably because they need to protect stuff from the Green Arrow who keeps breaking into their offices for some reason.

Green Arrow eventually gets to the office of his CFO³ where he runs into demon-faced demons with flame throwers and untied boots⁴. I hope Green Arrow has some Exorcism Arrows or else he's in trouble! I mean, he's already in trouble and will probably be in even bigger trouble even if he has Exorcism Arrows because how many can he shoot before ten flamethrowers turn him to ashes? Maybe he'll do a back flip over the flames or something!

Meanwhile in Italy, John Diggle is diggling things up! That's his new catchphrase, probably. "I'm here to Diggle you up!" He can use it when killing somebody and when fucking somebody! I'm giving that one to Benjamin Percy for free because he seems to be having trouble finding a good voice for Diggle. I think it's because Percy's White Guilt can't allow him to presume to speak for an African-American character. At least I think Diggle is African-American. He just looks like a bald white man looking for a disco in this comic book.

Diggle is searching for The Ninth Circle to avenge the death of his Fremesis, Green Arrow. He's followed some leads to find the guy who can lead him to The Ninth Circle, a guy named Virgil. Okay, Percy. I fucking get it. You read The Inferno and you decided you would cheapen the entire thing by using it as a motif in your lousy comic book! Why does everybody love to reference the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy but nobody ever bases their criminal organizations or names their superheroes after Purgatorio or Paradiso! Maybe that's Dante's fault for making those parts so boring. Perhaps if he'd put more people head down in burning shit in the latter two parts, more people would remember them.

Before Diggle can have a proper conversation with Virgil about The Ninth Circle, the scene shifts back to Green Arrow who is already battling the demons in the foyer of the office of his CFO⁵. Since he has yet to be burned to ashes, I'm going to assume he did a back flip to get out of the elevator. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Oh wait! Apparently the conversation between Diggle and Virgil takes place in the text overlying the visuals of Green Arrow battling the demons. I probably should have read a bit of the page after turning to it instead of just jumping right back into my commentary so that I could call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Not that any of this was any kind of a mistake! Just call it youthful enthusiasm! Or immature enthusiasm since the "youthful" is long fucking gone.

Oliver should do this with Boxing Glove Arrows and then punch three guys at once!

Diggle learns from Virgil that The Ninth Circle is a bank! Of course it is! Benjamin Percy, you sly devil! I knew you had a message hidden behind the demons, masks, and lousy Inferno references! I knew you were still fighting the social justice fight! Fuck the banks! Fuck them right in their ATMs!

But seriously! This is a good idea not just on a "The Man is the biggest bad guy of all!" level. Because Percy grows this idea out of that question that all good and loyal comic book readers ask on a near constant basis: if super villains have the kinds of funds available to them to build death stars and power draining ray guns, why the fuck do they need to rob banks?! Apparently to pay back the loans they took out from The Ninth Circle to fund their technology and research! And who better to run an evil bank than the CFO⁶ of Queen Industries!

Percy sets up this scenario to make it seem like The Ninth Circle is the most powerful behind-the-scenes organization in supervillaindom. But I know of a business that probably makes even more money than they or the Court of Owls make!

Supervillain Mask Makers!

Broderick doesn't actually run The Ninth Circle. He's just a board member! That's good because Broderick would be a boring choice for leader of The Ninth Circle. The only superpower he has is knowing how to use a slide rule.

Before Green Arrow can kill Broderick, Shado arrives to rekill Green Arrow. Emiko is probably going to be in serious trouble after this battle. The battle is taken through the window and outside the office because Green Arrow blows up the office. Only he and Shado make it out before the explosion. Broderick may or may not have lived. It doesn't really matter since he wasn't the CEO⁷ of The Ninth Circle.

While reading this comic book, did you also find yourself wondering, "Where are Black Canary's gams?!" Well, they eventually show up roughing up the dock worker on Green Arrow's payroll so that she can stowaway with the Moloids' kidnapping victims. That means she'll soon be on the most ostentatious ship ever sailed into the Puget Sound! And that's pretty ostentatious because Bill Gates lives up there. I think.

I guess Broderick did survive. And if this guy's the leader of the Ninth Circle, I'm not any more impressed than if it had been Broderick. But I'm even more impressed by whoever makes their masks!

While trying to escape from Shado, Green Arrow winds up arrested by the police for bombing Queen Industries. Can't he just reveal his identity and be all, "I own that place! I can bomb it if I want to!"?

The CEO⁸ of the Ninth Circle decides to declare Shado his enemy because he's an idiot. So now Shado can just go join up with Green Arrow and help destroy the Ninth Circle. She used to be honor-bound to serve them but now she has no loyalty to them at all. Even though Emiko is still honor-bound to them, I think that just gives Shado added incentive to destroy them. Emiko, trying to keep everybody calm so she can eventually help destroy the Ninth Circle from the inside, points out that they can trap Green Arrow because they have her and Black Canary as bait. They don't have Black Canary yet! But she's on the way to their crazy big ship that nobody seems to notice. I guess because fog or something?

²I don't know what that stands for! Crazy For Oral?
³I don't know what that stands for! Cozily Fondling Orphans?
⁴I guess flaming demon fingers make it hard to tie your shoes.
⁵I don't know what that stands for! Cockblocking Foreign Oligarchs?
⁶I don't know what that stands for! Cheap Fucking Organizer?
⁷I don't know what that stands for! Cookies Equal Oreos?
⁸Fine! I admit it! I actually know what this stands for! Chief Evil Officer!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

Batman #3

Why was Batman hanging around inside a building on his motorcycle? Fucking dick.

The Commentary!
Hopefully David Finch convinced Tom King to write some scenes with women in them this month. It's like Tom King doesn't understand the importance of the male gaze in comic books drawn by David Finch! It's exclusively why people enjoy David Finch's art! Nobody thrills to David Finch's depiction of fish-mouthed men somehow skulking in the shadows of a fully lit room! Finch fans want half-naked women with belly buttons showing through their dresses! They want to see Finch infantilize women by drawing them to look like fourteen year old girls! Simply put: David Finch fans want The White Rabbit! Bring her back, Tom King, and forget trying to be hip and groovy by bringing in Kite-man! Unless of course, being Rebirth, you can bring in Kite-woman? Maybe she never plans enough time to get ready for the big heist and has to rush out in a towel! I bet David Finch is already whipping out his paint brush¹ for that story!

I know I usually lather up Tom King's erect phallus with enough of my own spit for a hundred DNA tests but I suddenly find my mouth as dry as a Republican wife's pussy as she listens to her husband, once again, misunderstand the tax code as I read the first few pages of this issue. How many times do I have to read an alternate version of the alley scene where Tommy and Mary were killed? How many hours per week does Batman spend in Crime Alley waiting to stop future competition from being created? I would understand the need for this scene if the family were composed of three women in towels and the mugger was another woman in a towel and maybe one of the towels was ripped off like Martha's pearls! That would be artful! But this? This is just rehashed hash! I've seen it before and I'll see it again because Batman can't fucking get over it. Why must I suffer because Batman won't go to therapy?!

It's also possible I should simply trust that Tom King is going somewhere spectacular with his alternate Crime Alley scene because he rarely disappoints! But that's intelligent person talk! I'm an internet reactionary who hops on Twitter at the first hint of a coherent thought to dismiss anything and everything! I don't have the strength of character to read something by a well-regarded artist and admit that the fault might not be in the writing but in my own understanding of it. Obviously my five minutes of reading something that took many more hours to construct is the correct opinion of the thing! How could it be any different?!

Batman calls for an ambulance to check out the family that was mugged and then gives them some Bat-advice.

I would also add "Don't let this mugger take away your love of walking down poorly lighted streets at night in a crime-ridden area of Gotham!"

Is that why Batman became Batman? Because villains are a cowardly lot and he likes to make them scared so they get the opportunity to fight the fear and become stronger?

The story about wanting to be part of the piss and smoke which opens this comic book is being told by the father of the family Batman saves. He just happens to have a son and a daughter who look an awful lot like Gotham and Gotham Girl. That probably isn't it though because what are the odds that Gotham was created in the same alley that Batman was created in? Oh, you know what? They're pretty good since this is a fabricated and contrived² story!

The person Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents are telling their story to is Matches Malone. They think he's with the FBI and not a gangster like he usually pretends to be! So they tell him all of their childrens' secrets, especially the one about how they were overseas and needed a shitload of money for some mysterious purpose that probably involved Dr. Jace. When they returned, Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly appeared! And remember, Batman doesn't believe in coincidences³! At least not in certain situations. So I guess he sort of believes in them sometimes.

Before Matches Malone leaves Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents, he breaks down crying, falls on his knees, and hugs their mother, burying his face in her matronly bosom. Except he does it in the Batman way by saying, "You are nice people. You remind me of nice people I once knew. It is nice. And emotional. I must go now!"

Meanwhile, The Monster Men are Coming!

Leaving the Gotham Kids Estate, Batman is told by Alfred that a suicide bomber has blown up the middle of a bridge during rush hour. So Batman must be quickly off to the scene of the catastrophe!

Why is this even a thing that is needed? Who thought this was clever? Why are dumb things constantly turning up in my comic books? Oh wait. Haven't they always? Have I...outgrown comic books?!

I guess Matches Malone never gives anybody a lift in his car because what do you say when somebody asks, "Why is there a motorcycle in your car?"

Over at the explosion, Gotham tries to keep the bridge from collapsing by holding it underneath while Gotham Girl watches holding one small child. I guess her job is watching for signs of Batman. Although I don't know how he's going to help keep the bridge from collapsing. Throw a Batarang and shoot a Bat-grapple? Maybe inside of his Bat-cycle is a Bat-plane that sprays Bat-glue?

Turns out my speculation wasn't far from the truth. Except the Bat-plane arrives on its own and Batman shoots a number of Bat-grapples to secure the bridge to the Bat-plane. No Batarangs or Bat-glue⁴!

While Batman saves the bridge, Hugo Strange tells another story that's the antithesis of the story told by the parents of the Gotham Kids. The Gotham Parents' story was all about how the piss and smoke tastes good and enables a person to be better somehow. It isn't explained well in their story because being beaten down by the city you live in, pissed on and covered in the retching smell of smoke, doesn't make for an easy explanation as to how it helps improve a person. I guess it makes a person want to improve the city because maybe the piss and smoke isn't as good as it seems? But Hugo Strange's story about living in a city that's constantly falling and breaking down makes the populace feel like they're constantly falling and breaking down makes a lot more sense! Hugo says that to survive that kind of world, the residents of Gotham simply live in denial, or to embrace the horror of their city and join it. So what Hugo is saying is that Gotham City is existentialism? And he wants to bring--what?--faith to Gotham? Basically, his Monster Men are supposed to make people declare, "I am not Gotham!" That's because that fits in with the theme of people being Gotham, see?! Like Batman, Hugo Strange wants the people of Gotham to face their fear, be brave, and stand strong. He wants them to stop accepting the piss and smoke of Gotham and realize that they don't have to identify with the shithole. They can look at Gotham and say, "Fuck this shit. This shit should be better!"

I think I might be with Hugo Strange! Except I'm sure his plan involves killing thousands of people with his Monster Men while Amanda Waller signs his checks. Although how is Hugo's plan going to work when there's also an Army of Batmen at work in Gotham? Won't the Batmen Army just cancel out the Monster Men invasion while the Bat-family sits back and watches?

So what? Batman is just going to leave the Bat-plane like that until it runs out of fuel and everything collapses?

After Batman leaves to do research, another explosion takes place in the city. When the Gotham Kids arrive, they discover Hugo Strange waiting for them with Psycho Pirate. Great! Now they're going to discover why Batman really hates heroes with super powers! Because those powers are constantly being manipulated by villains and used against the populace they're supposed to protect! I hope Batman already has a plan to take down the Gotham Kids! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he does!

The Review!
My mouth is a little bit wetter than it was at the beginning of this commentary, so I might be able to spit on King's dick a few times to get it lubed up for my butthole. I've never been too interested in Hugo Strange but this story seems to be the kind of thing he was made for. He's psychoanalyzing the city of Gotham for Amanda Waller in an effort to discover the proper therapy to cure it of its mania, depression, violent tendencies, and god complex. If that seems a bit too abstract, Hugo also gets to do the same thing to a hero named Gotham. That should make the allegory more palatable, I think. And while Hugo Strange might have the ability of manipulating people through therapy, he doesn't quite have the chops to simply mind-control some super kids. So getting him to manipulate Psycho Pirate to manipulate the Gotham Kids is a nice touch. Although isn't that how Psycho Pirate is always used? He's such a spineless coward without any emotions of his own! The Medusa Mask made him its slave and now he's just a quivering blank slate to be chalked upon by villains smarter and stronger willed than he is. So, you know, I'm still enjoying Batman! Ptui! _______________________________________________
¹Yes, that is indeed code for his penis.

²I don't mean contrived in a derogatory sense!

³According to Justice League Rebirth #1!

⁴At least not this time!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Justice League #1

Who can even stand against this team? Two Green Lanterns! A god! A Kryptonian! A speedster! A shapechanging computer! The Jeezly-Crow Batman! And a wet guy!

The Commentary!
The issue begins with a splash page of Wonder Woman that Greg Rucka wouldn't approve of because her underwear is showing. It's mostly a waste of space but I'm pretty sure it's in Tony S. Daniel's contract that he get to draw at least one large picture of a female in every comic book he works on. Wonder Woman is riding the Bolt of Zeus through the sky to remind everybody that it's her new weapon. I think she got it in Bryan Hitch's JLA comic book which never had a conclusion and probably never will because at this point, who the fuck cares? It wasn't even as great as all of the other comic book reviewers thought it was! Even if I thought it was good (which I don't think I did!), I was wrong if I did indeed do. Or whatever.

Anyway, I guess Bryan Hitch didn't like the idea that Wonder Woman could fly on her own or that she had an invisible jet. He needed her to fly around on the awesome weapon he created for her. I think that means Bryan Hitch isn't actually writing the character of Wonder Woman in this comic book. He's just writing the Bolt of Zeus.

On the second and third page (which is all just one gigantic image because Tony S. Daniel), Wonder Woman strikes the ground with the Bolt, blowing up tanks and soldiers all around her.

Who thought allowing Bryan Hitch to write a Tony S. Daniel drawn comic book was a good idea?! Bryan Hitch is a lazy writer and Tony S. Daniel loves to draw double splash pages. You know what that equation adds up to? Less motherfucking story, motherfuckers! But as long as Tony S. Daniel fans get to look at majestic two-page spreads full of action, I suppose everybody¹ is happy! On the upside, the two pages of image are only marred by one tiny Narration Box because the only work Bryan Hitch plans on doing to earn his check is cashing it.

War is a half-naked woman riding a bolt of lightning out of the sky to scold you with barely comprehensible phrases!

Wonder Woman explains to the Russians that she has given them every opportunity to start believing the things she believes. But since they believe other things and those things involve tanks and bullets, she's decided to kick all of their asses. I don't want to get my ass kicked by Wonder Woman! I hope I believe everything she believes too!

I can't believe Wonder Woman's attack on the Russians was sanctioned by the Justice League. At least not without Batman pulling one of those moments where he quits rather than be a part of international disputes. This must just be part of her job as the God of War. Plus Tony S. Daniel wouldn't draw this comic book without at least seven full pages of Wonder Woman action.

While Wonder Woman is teaching the Russians what happens when they don't toe her line, the entire city is shaken and destroyed.

He must not understand English very well since "killed us all" includes him and he's not dead. "Dumb Russian! Learn proper English!" typed the person who only knows one language.

This issue is called "The Extinction Machines" and it's Part One of a series that will probably never end because Bryan Hitch never finished JLA and now I don't trust him to finish anything at all. Extinction sounds pretty bad! It's a good thing the Justice League has all of those great members on the team as well as Aquaman.

The disaster Wonder Woman just witnessed is happening all around the world with death tolls probably in the millions. I just wrote a short bit called "Stranger Things: What About Barb?" where I discussed the reasons for my distaste of epic disaster movies with which Hollywood seems to be so in love. The problem with them is that the audience roots for a small number of people to survive a disaster in which hundreds of thousands die. Why should I fucking care about the arbitrary story of a couple of good looking people when regular folks are dying in the background of every single scene? Why would I want to celebrate at the end of a two hour cinematic experience where I just watched thousands of people killed? What's there to be happy about that the handful of main stars survived the near apocalypse? And why the fuck do I give a shit about the Justice League if their help amounts to saving just a small percentage of people caught in the disaster?

Although after typing all of that, Simon and Jessica do a pretty fucking good job of keeping the people of Beijing safe. So I guess that's one city where the League did a great fucking job! Although should I really put give congratulations to the Justice League? This was more of a Green Lantern Corps save! If only there were more Green Lanterns on Earth, the world could breathe a sigh of relief!

Even if I decide to believe that the Justice League saves every life, as shown during Flash's bit in San Francisco where he doesn't let one person down, I still have a horrible, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about how much work is going to go into reconstruction! Even Atlantis is falling apart since they don't have any heroes available to save them².

In Hong Kong, the residents steal the power from Simon and Jess's ring because Green Lantern Rings are the most unreliable gadgets in the universe. They're just so powerful that the enemy always has to remove their power. Although who cares if Jess's loses power since she can't even make constructs yet! What a waste!

Everywhere around the world, people have begun speaking in a red voice about being part of The Kindred and stealing the powers of the Justice League. Fuck. I knew Bryan Hitch wasn't here to do any writing! Can we stop having stories where the heroes have their powers stolen?! It's the weakest, least imaginative way to turn the tables on the Justice League and it's been extremely overused in the last five years alone.

Batman finally checks in from Gotham because he's got a bit of a situation that he doesn't recognize for some reason even though he and the team just recently battled Space Lice quite similar to this.

If only Batman had Freeze Breath!

While the Green Lanterns and The Flash get their powers stolen, Aquaman gets his words stolen because his powers are silly. Then Atlantis crumbles into a chasm at the bottom of the sea and Wonder Woman points out that The Kindred can't win because she has friends. Super friends³!

The Review!
It's hard to have a Justice League book without an otherworldly invaders threatening the lives of everybody on Earth. Even Geoff Johns can't get around that, what with his Darkseid's Invasion and his Crime Syndicate's Invasion and his Darkseid's Invasion II. And that's what Bryan Hitch is giving us with the new Rebirth Justice League. I thought maybe they would be battling the Watchmen in this book but I think that's been saved for whatever book Wally West is in, right? And who would give that huge of a continuity plot to Bryan Hitch and Tony S. Daniel to fuck up?! Does DC even believe this comic book will get past Issue #8?! I predict the story will bleaker and bleaker and then Bryan Hitch will walk away from it around Issue #5. I also predict Wonder Woman will have a shower scene in an issue or two. What I don't predict is that my interest will wax at all on this thing. It's just another standard alien invasion, Justice League members lose their powers, possible end of the world Justice League story. Haven't we seen every variation of this plot yet?
¹By "everybody," I actually just mean Tony S. Daniel fans.

²Just Aquaman.

³Although some of them aren't as super as they used to be.

Superman #3

I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey Rebirth #1

My male gaze is so hard right now.

The Commentary!
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.

I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!

Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.

Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.

After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.

Great! More Batgirl imposters! Can't she battle anybody at all who isn't trying to be her? Like she's so fucking special!

Batgirl seems surprised that, yet again, somebody is pretending to be her. Or at least a version of herself that she used to be. She says, "I guess in my case, the past is apparently prologue." Isn't that the case in everybody's case? I mean, my past came before now and I think now is the main story, so the past must be the prologue. Unless this second is just the prologue to my sudden fame and fortune! And then my past is apparently pro-prologue!

Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.

The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.

Oh, so we're going to pretend that she didn't work for the Suicide Squad first? Are we just erasing Ostrander's creation of Oracle from DC History? Way to go, jerkbros!

Don't worry, John Ostrander! I still remember that you created Oracle no matter what everybody else is being told to believe!

Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.

Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!

Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!

I hope nobody notices the clock never moves past 8:29 and realizes there must be no gears behind it which could only mean it's the lair of a superhero!

Black Canary decides to help under the name of the Birds of Prey but just for one night! She doesn't want a repeat of the last time where they were called Turds of Prey by that hilariously snarky but super intelligent and perceptive critic. Their first step is to track down the person passing around the information from Oracle to the mob bosses. Their second step should be killing Batgirl so nobody else can steal her memories and cause all this fucking trouble.

Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.

"That's it! Everybody get naked!" No?

Helena makes sure Black Canary and Batgirl know that Helena knows their names. That should make them trust her! They won't think she's Oracle at all now!

Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!