Sunday, July 31, 2016

Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

Nightwing #1

"Nightwing" is a palindrome for people with a serious speech impediment.

The Commentary!
"Nightwing is a palindrome" isn't as sexy as it sounds if it sounded to you like "Nightwing is a pal in Rome." That's probably a euphemism like "from the other side of the shore" or "whitewashing the kidneys." This beginning isn't as off-topic as you're probably thinking it is because, as we saw in Nightwing Rebirth #1, DC Comics has finally decided to let Dick Grayson out of the closet! He is now as gay as every fanfiction writer has been portraying him! Okay, maybe not that gay yet. I mean, he hasn't tasted every dick and male asshole in the DC Universe just yet! Give him some time! Rebirth just began last month!

I know I always say "I know what you're thinking" (even though I rarely actually know (unless what you're thinking is, "Gee, Tess, you're kind of an asshole!")) but this time I think I really do know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "I would say Nightwing is bisexual and not actually gay because remember Starfire and Batgirl and Raya and Helena?" Wow, now that I list all the women he's been with, I'm impressed! Four women! Of course, he only did mutual masturbation with Batgirl, so I'm not sure that counts. Um, anyway, getting back to Dick and his penchant for it, I'm fairly certain Nightwing Rebirth #1 was all about him coming out of the closet and, in so doing, revealed that the women had all been trendy facial hair. Although he's probably going to do it to a lot of ladies in this comic book, so I should just go with the bisexual angle. It's going to be hard to keep defending the Nightwing is gay claim if he just bangs woman after woman and we never even see him kiss a guy. Which we won't because DC Comics likes claiming characters are gay but rarely let's them do anything about it¹.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Detective Comics #937

Republicans are going to be all, "I hate Batman because he cut up a flag!" But they'll also be, "I love Batman because he beats the shit out of thugs! And you know what we mean by thugs! We're the party of racism!"

The Commentary!
I would say that I hope I didn't offend any conservative readers of my blog with that initial caption but I doubt I have any conservative readers. Also, I don't care about offending them. If a person can't see how Reagan's tax cuts led directly to the destruction of the middle class, that person isn't worth a moment of my time. If a person doesn't think everybody deserves health care simply because they won't be able to cut in line for their heart transplant they need because they ate too much blended goose liver, they're not worth acknowledging as human beings let alone Christians (which they probably think they are and the only reason I mention it. What the fuck do I care if somebody is a Christian?). If a person is annoyed that I'm painting Republicans with a wide brush and they've now gotten some paint on themselves, they should probably think about the people they've with whom they've allied and whether or not their vision of America is the one moving into the future or the one pouting in Time Out because they refuse to not be fucking dicks. What the fuck do I care if I offend them? It's not like they're going to support my Patreon anyway. I mean, even liberals won't do that! And they pretend to care about art!

Yes, this is art, asshole! What more do I need to do? Shit on a picture of the Virgin Mary?!

The issue begins with some of Colonel Kane's Batmen inventorying Batman's utility belt. This is a perfect chance for some really good sex jokes! "Item 40: Stank ass Bat Ben Wa Balls. Item 41: Metal rod for sounding. Item 42: Bigger metal rod for sounding. Item 43: Even bigger metal rod for sounding." Instead they just find the normal stuff: laser cutters, rebreathers, lockpicks, Kryptonite, gerbils. I don't know how he fits it all in that belt! Although the bigger mystery is why does he even need a belt anyway. It's not like he wears pants.

The Batmen find a piece of Kryptonite in Batman's bat belt and now I'm wondering how he could have even conceived Damian with that hanging around his testicles. I knew Talia was fucking lying! Damian's real father is probably Java.

Batman is currently hanging about in some kind of high tech pillory device.

The General? Is that why Colonel Kane started his own army? To give himself a promotion?

Batman spits out his Smoke Screen Tooth which is something I didn't know he had. Then he pulls his extra Batarangs out of their special hiding place. You can probably guess the hiding place if you knew the definition of "sounding." And just like that, Batman escapes his prison! But before he knocks out both guards, he leans he's being held in "The Cave." Christ. Leave it to the military to rename something to make it even more boring.

Batman makes it to the main part of the cave and looks down on at least seventy infringements on his trademarks. Also hanging from the ceiling is an obvious American flag knockoff. Why so many red and white stripes?! And why is the first stripe under the blue field of white stars red?! I'm not even a Republican and I think this is a gross injustice! Mostly because it's so easy to type "flag of United States" into Google Images for a reference! This is just lazy!

Meanwhile, Batwoman and the Batkids have begun their first live action exercise in the field. Is that a thing military people say? I bet I fucked it all up, right? I suppose I could ask Lord Google but what am I? Not lazy and not a hypocrite?! Yeah, right!

Suddenly they're attacked by Doomsday! No, wait. That's just the Snickers advertisement. Never mind.

So the first subway system was built hundreds of feet underground? What a pain in the ass to walk down the stairs to that!

Rather than rebuilding a completely new subway system, wouldn't it be cheaper to order smaller subway trains? It has to be cheaper than building a new subway line! Also, don't you think they would have figured out the tunnels were too small almost immediately? Do you actually finish an entire system before ever putting a car on the tracks? Once again, I suppose I could research building subway tunnels! But I'd rather just rely on believing that they would have some kind of trains on the tracks to transfer materials further down the lines. And wouldn't somebody working the job probably have some experience building subways in other cities? And wouldn't that person maybe notice the railed cars used to deliver supplies to build further down the tunnel didn't fit quite like they usually did? And wouldn' know what? I just remembered I'm reading a comic book! I think I'm supposed to just think, "Holy shit! What an awesome idea! A Bat-Subway! Fuck yeah, motherfuckers! CHOO CHOO!"

So I guess Tim Drake is so smart that he skipped right past building model trains into building hypothetical rail gun trains. Did he do it all himself? I'm not sure I'd trust a train built by a 16 year old who doesn't sleep (his own words!). Take a nap and get back to me, asshole.

Tim did manage to figure out where The Cave was by being a genius though, so I can't be too rough on the little squirt. Plus he's fucking Spoiler. Way to go, brah! This is the part where I high five somebody else with a penis and we both pretend that we have big, mighty penises and have never cried over a girl before.

Back at The Cave, Batman notices some articles about Batman being seen around the world. How the hell did his Bat-computer not alert him to these sighting prior to this? Batman just hasn't been himself since the dionysium healed all of his childhood trauma! I'm not sure he cares about justice as much as he used to. There's only one way to get him back on track: let him have sex with Batgirl and then let the Joker cripple and rape her. I can't see any way around it! He needs to seriously suffer and what better way than by making Batgirl suffer, first through the betrayal of a parental figure pursuing a sexual relationship with her, and then through the trauma of answering the door and finding a fucking clown standing there. Oh, also the gunshot and the probable rape. That shit will really hurt Batman bad!

While wandering about The Cave, Batman takes down an IT dork and begins trying to extract information from the nerd.

An army of Batmen?! Trademark infringement #71!

This guy is yet another teenage genius. Every time DC Comics introduces another teenager who is a "genius" and can do incredible things that nobody could ever possibly do, I just picture a million hands reaching out from DC Headquarters to masturbate every teen reader in the world.

Odysseus here tells Batman that this Batmen Army Project has been going on for over two years. Too bad Batman was so busy building playgrounds for the underprivileged Gotham kids. Now he's got a huge mess to clean up because these are real soldiers killing real enemies all under the name of the Batman. Shit, Batman is going to get so rich from the lawsuit.

Odysseus stalls long enough for Colonel Kane (Uncle Jake to Batman!) to arrive and have a family meeting with Batman.

The League of Shadows sounds an awful lot like the Court of Owls!

Before Batman can be shot in the head, Batwoman and the Batkids arrive to save the day! Except the day will have to wait to be saved for two weeks because that's the end of the issue.

The Review!
Aside from the League of Shadows idea being a nearly exact replica of the Court of Owls idea, I'm being entertained by this comic book. Also aside from the sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the other sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the name of this issue being "The Great Escape" and yet nobody escaped. I think those are my only issues with the story. Maybe the whole Bat-subway explanation too. But other than that, the two pages that didn't have any of that stuff on them were great!

Action Comics #960

Superman has plumber's butt on his chest.

The Commentary!
Actually Nerds are really actuallying me to the point of distraction! The worst thing about an Actually Nerd is that they think they're the only ones who can make jokes. God forbid you dare try to fucking make a joke around an Actually Nerd! Unless, I suppose, your joke relies on heavily researched and annotated material. They also generally believe they're the only ones who have ever really thought their own opinions through so it's not rare to find an Actually Nerd is also a Devil's Advocate. Don't they know how fucking insulting it is to think a forty-four year old person hasn't been made constantly miserable by thinking and rethinking their life's decisions or their personal ethics or that one time they were taking a shit when the comic book store called to set up an interview for the job and they completely missed their chance?! My whole fucking life could have been different!

I don't mind Actually Nerds in person because they usually get the hint that I don't want to hear their fucking master's thesis on whatever facts I twisted for the stupid joke I just made due to my constant jerking off motion while they speak and by the amount of times my eyes roll back in my head. If they don't notice those things (like if the Actually Nerd is blind), I'll groan really loudly and say, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" But on the Internet, my only recourse is to reply to them with some horribly sarcastic and snarky response which they'll completely miss the point and probably Actually that as well.

I've decided the only way to avoid Actually Nerds is to stop having opinions. And since I can't stop having those, I guess I just have to deal with them.

This issue begins with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) watching Superman battle Doomsday. It's some kind of test he dreamt up to see if Superman will ever choose to use his brain over punching conflicts into submission. After Superman's encounter with Eradicator in his self-titled comic book, I think we know the answer to that quiz.

Or maybe not! Because maybe Superman won't have to defeat Doomsday this time. Maybe Lex Luthor or Wonder Woman will!

Tyler Kirkham definitely went to the same art school as David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I think it was called "School of Art and Design and Drawing Women (Fourteen Years or Younger Only)".

Let me "Actually!" myself! Actually, maybe she doesn't look that young here (although maybe she does!). It's just so similar to Finch and Daniel because her face is so smooth and her eyes so shiny and her lips so full while Clark's face is lined and his lips are practically non-existent. I'm sure his eyes would be dull as well but you can't really see them. It's like these artists at DC have never seen a man underneath good lighting and have only ever seen women under the best lighting direction in the world.

On second thought, Wonder Woman totally looks like a teenager in that scan. And Clark Kent looks like an Actually Nerd.

Wonder Woman wastes time telling Clark Kent to get medical attention when she could be stopping Doomsday. Isn't this always the way? A woman is trying to get shit done and a guy is all, "But what about me?! Take care of me! Can I call you Mother?"

I keep telling people "NO!" as well but they still insist that I pay bills, pay rent, take showers, eat, not scream at people on the streets, make an effort. It's exhausting!

Wonder Woman tells Kent that she'll get to the bottom of his existence because "the dead don't come back to life." When did she start believing that?! She knows Hades personally! She knows people can come back to life! I think what she's really saying is, "I will get to the bottom of this later and by "bottom of this," I mean your penis in my vagina."

Meanwhile, Superman continues to fight Doomsday. I can't decide if Doomsday looks cool with all of those stony protrusions or if he just looks like an out of control Amish man. Somebody put a wide brim black hat on him.

I hate the spoken phrase "black hat." Is it a hat caught in a high tree top? Or a cat?! How can you tell without cheating and looking at the lyric sheet! I also hate the spoken phrases "black eyes/black ice/black guys"! I thought my grandma was completely racist for years when I'd go drive somewhere in the cold. "Watch out for the black guys!" I kept thinking she was saying!

Somebody forgot to put in the pussy drying up sound effect.

Last time Preboot Superman fought Doomsday, he relied on his fists and he died. This time, Superman thinks, "What if I rely on my fists?!" I think maybe he has brain damage from the last time he fought Doomsday.

Wonder Woman looks so young here that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about that pussy drying up comment.

Superman decides that maybe the punching isn't the best idea. So he decides to smash buses over Doomsday's head. I guess that's technically a different tactic. Lex Luthor hasn't made an appearance yet because he's evacuating the city which takes a long time. Superman finally realizes that maybe it would be easier to take Doomsday out of Metropolis! I can't wait until he realizes he should call the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Back at the Super-Smith farm, Jon screams his fool head off and Doomsday hears him. Doomsday, apparently a pedophile, takes off through the sewers to go get him a piece of Superman's son. If you were molested by an unstoppable alien creature designed to destroy everything in its path, I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories.

For some reason, Clark Kent is still hanging around taking notes so he can write up a big story about the fight that nobody will read because they all watched the fight live on television. What is Clark Kent going to bring to the experience with his lousy words?! Will he have some insightful take on the experience that would make reading The Daily Plaent worth being bored to tears? I wonder if I should ask myself the same question! Why would anybody want to read my thoughts on a comic book that they can read themselves?! Oh shit! My pussy just dried up!

It is ingenious since the "in" prefix can turn the word into its opposite meaning! Luthor is so bad at science!

This is why people don't believe in evolution. Because they don't actually understand evolution. Although if I'm being fair to the imagined comic book concept, I suppose Doomsday's creator's plan could work but I have to wonder why he needed his "baby" to die over and over again. Instead of sending Doomsday into a harsh environment to discover he could only live without water for three days and, only after that discovery, genetically programmed Doomsday's system so that it could survive without water for four days, couldn't he have just created a Doomsday that never needs water right from the start? If he were an imaginative person, he could have created a creature that was invulnerable, immortal, super strong, and could make people cry by performing Othello. The scientist didn't need to put Doomsday through all that torture! It's not like Doomsday dying somehow changed his DNA! It was just to give the scientist an idea of what to program for and against!

Unless I'm totally understanding the Doomsday situation incorrectly! Maybe I should just pretend evolution is exactly like creationism and move on.

I've never died once and I hate all life too!

Basically Doomsday reproduces asexually but only after he dies and with the added benefit of somehow gaining new traits that prevent him from dying in the way he died previously. That's way too fucking complicated and sadistic. Doomsday's dad really should have just gone with the whole invulnerable and immortal thing.

For some reason, Doomsday hates Kryptonians more than anybody else (except maybe Booster Gold). I guess his creator was not only a sadist but a racist as well.

Superman and Wonder Woman fly off to make sure Jon and Lois are okay. It gives Lois and Diana a chance to meet so that Lois can say, "Where we come from, Wonder Woman and I are friends. Close friends." Whoa! I know what an emphasis on "close" means in this context! Now I can't wait for the new comic book, "Lois Lane, Wonder Woman's Close Friend." Is it just a coincidence that "close" and "closeted" are spelled so similarly?

Doomsday shows up to punch Wonder Woman in the face as Lois and Jon drive off to safety. I guess next issue is the big battle. But how will Superman win if Doomsday just dies and comes back and is all, "You can't punch me to death now, Brah!" Then Wonder Woman will have to choke him to death with her lasso and he'll come back and be all, "You can't choke me to death with your lasso now, Brah!" And Superman will be all, "You know what that means, right, Doomy? No danger to you during autoerotically pleasuring yourself! Have at!" Then Superman will hand Doomsday a rope and Doomsday will disappear inside of a closet and never be heard from again.

The Review!
I own the Death of Superman issue but I don't remember reading it. Which is a shame because I know I opened the bag it came in and read it. I should have just read my friend Upright's copy! If I did remember reading it, would this story be more exciting? Would I appreciate the dramatic tension more? Or would it still be just another boring fist fight that I'm being told might be the death of Superman so that I'll think it's more exciting than it really is? I wonder if Dan Jurgens was just killing time on the last few scripts as he tried to think of a way Superman could defeat Doomsday using his brains instead of his fists. My main problem with this comic book is that I know it isn't written exclusively for adults because the only scene I really want to see is the one where Wonder Woman chops Doomsday's dick off.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

Green Arrow #3

I predicted this is how Green Arrow would die.

The Review!
How did Benjamin Percy finally find a way to make a readable Green Arrow comic book? Especially when he seemed so intent on making the worst Green Arrow comic book? Okay, so maybe that was a bit hyperbolic. It's hard to write the worst Green Arrow comic book when Ann Nocenti wrote it for awhile. It's not like this book doesn't have some issues. But why would I concentrate on the problems when everybody is constantly concentrating on the minute, insignificant problems of everything always? Would I do that because I know people are used to me doing that?! No way! This is Rebirth! I'm way more positive now because the DC PR Machine has told me to be! Things are turning around! Things are getting better! Legacy characters and love are back! I guess. I don't know. I'm not a big picture kind of person! Maybe that's why I usually concentrate on the minute, insignificant problems that even pop up in comic books I like. Anyway, DC Comics is finally delivering a Green Arrow comic book that fits the character and is being handled adeptly and has even introduced a villainous organization that makes fucking sense. Although I'm still weary about this book because Benjamin Percy is the writer who wrote a number of Green Arrow stories during The New 52 to help remind everybody that racism was bad and that no white people can understand that until they've become a werewolf for a week or two.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

Batman #3

Why was Batman hanging around inside a building on his motorcycle? Fucking dick.

The Commentary!
Hopefully David Finch convinced Tom King to write some scenes with women in them this month. It's like Tom King doesn't understand the importance of the male gaze in comic books drawn by David Finch! It's exclusively why people enjoy David Finch's art! Nobody thrills to David Finch's depiction of fish-mouthed men somehow skulking in the shadows of a fully lit room! Finch fans want half-naked women with belly buttons showing through their dresses! They want to see Finch infantilize women by drawing them to look like fourteen year old girls! Simply put: David Finch fans want The White Rabbit! Bring her back, Tom King, and forget trying to be hip and groovy by bringing in Kite-man! Unless of course, being Rebirth, you can bring in Kite-woman? Maybe she never plans enough time to get ready for the big heist and has to rush out in a towel! I bet David Finch is already whipping out his paint brush¹ for that story!

I know I usually lather up Tom King's erect phallus with enough of my own spit for a hundred DNA tests but I suddenly find my mouth as dry as a Republican wife's pussy as she listens to her husband, once again, misunderstand the tax code as I read the first few pages of this issue. How many times do I have to read an alternate version of the alley scene where Tommy and Mary were killed? How many hours per week does Batman spend in Crime Alley waiting to stop future competition from being created? I would understand the need for this scene if the family were composed of three women in towels and the mugger was another woman in a towel and maybe one of the towels was ripped off like Martha's pearls! That would be artful! But this? This is just rehashed hash! I've seen it before and I'll see it again because Batman can't fucking get over it. Why must I suffer because Batman won't go to therapy?!

It's also possible I should simply trust that Tom King is going somewhere spectacular with his alternate Crime Alley scene because he rarely disappoints! But that's intelligent person talk! I'm an internet reactionary who hops on Twitter at the first hint of a coherent thought to dismiss anything and everything! I don't have the strength of character to read something by a well-regarded artist and admit that the fault might not be in the writing but in my own understanding of it. Obviously my five minutes of reading something that took many more hours to construct is the correct opinion of the thing! How could it be any different?!

Batman calls for an ambulance to check out the family that was mugged and then gives them some Bat-advice.

I would also add "Don't let this mugger take away your love of walking down poorly lighted streets at night in a crime-ridden area of Gotham!"

Is that why Batman became Batman? Because villains are a cowardly lot and he likes to make them scared so they get the opportunity to fight the fear and become stronger?

The story about wanting to be part of the piss and smoke which opens this comic book is being told by the father of the family Batman saves. He just happens to have a son and a daughter who look an awful lot like Gotham and Gotham Girl. That probably isn't it though because what are the odds that Gotham was created in the same alley that Batman was created in? Oh, you know what? They're pretty good since this is a fabricated and contrived² story!

The person Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents are telling their story to is Matches Malone. They think he's with the FBI and not a gangster like he usually pretends to be! So they tell him all of their childrens' secrets, especially the one about how they were overseas and needed a shitload of money for some mysterious purpose that probably involved Dr. Jace. When they returned, Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly appeared! And remember, Batman doesn't believe in coincidences³! At least not in certain situations. So I guess he sort of believes in them sometimes.

Before Matches Malone leaves Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents, he breaks down crying, falls on his knees, and hugs their mother, burying his face in her matronly bosom. Except he does it in the Batman way by saying, "You are nice people. You remind me of nice people I once knew. It is nice. And emotional. I must go now!"

Meanwhile, The Monster Men are Coming!

Leaving the Gotham Kids Estate, Batman is told by Alfred that a suicide bomber has blown up the middle of a bridge during rush hour. So Batman must be quickly off to the scene of the catastrophe!

Why is this even a thing that is needed? Who thought this was clever? Why are dumb things constantly turning up in my comic books? Oh wait. Haven't they always? Have I...outgrown comic books?!

I guess Matches Malone never gives anybody a lift in his car because what do you say when somebody asks, "Why is there a motorcycle in your car?"

Over at the explosion, Gotham tries to keep the bridge from collapsing by holding it underneath while Gotham Girl watches holding one small child. I guess her job is watching for signs of Batman. Although I don't know how he's going to help keep the bridge from collapsing. Throw a Batarang and shoot a Bat-grapple? Maybe inside of his Bat-cycle is a Bat-plane that sprays Bat-glue?

Turns out my speculation wasn't far from the truth. Except the Bat-plane arrives on its own and Batman shoots a number of Bat-grapples to secure the bridge to the Bat-plane. No Batarangs or Bat-glue⁴!

While Batman saves the bridge, Hugo Strange tells another story that's the antithesis of the story told by the parents of the Gotham Kids. The Gotham Parents' story was all about how the piss and smoke tastes good and enables a person to be better somehow. It isn't explained well in their story because being beaten down by the city you live in, pissed on and covered in the retching smell of smoke, doesn't make for an easy explanation as to how it helps improve a person. I guess it makes a person want to improve the city because maybe the piss and smoke isn't as good as it seems? But Hugo Strange's story about living in a city that's constantly falling and breaking down makes the populace feel like they're constantly falling and breaking down makes a lot more sense! Hugo says that to survive that kind of world, the residents of Gotham simply live in denial, or to embrace the horror of their city and join it. So what Hugo is saying is that Gotham City is existentialism? And he wants to bring--what?--faith to Gotham? Basically, his Monster Men are supposed to make people declare, "I am not Gotham!" That's because that fits in with the theme of people being Gotham, see?! Like Batman, Hugo Strange wants the people of Gotham to face their fear, be brave, and stand strong. He wants them to stop accepting the piss and smoke of Gotham and realize that they don't have to identify with the shithole. They can look at Gotham and say, "Fuck this shit. This shit should be better!"

I think I might be with Hugo Strange! Except I'm sure his plan involves killing thousands of people with his Monster Men while Amanda Waller signs his checks. Although how is Hugo's plan going to work when there's also an Army of Batmen at work in Gotham? Won't the Batmen Army just cancel out the Monster Men invasion while the Bat-family sits back and watches?

So what? Batman is just going to leave the Bat-plane like that until it runs out of fuel and everything collapses?

After Batman leaves to do research, another explosion takes place in the city. When the Gotham Kids arrive, they discover Hugo Strange waiting for them with Psycho Pirate. Great! Now they're going to discover why Batman really hates heroes with super powers! Because those powers are constantly being manipulated by villains and used against the populace they're supposed to protect! I hope Batman already has a plan to take down the Gotham Kids! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he does!

The Review!
My mouth is a little bit wetter than it was at the beginning of this commentary, so I might be able to spit on King's dick a few times to get it lubed up for my butthole. I've never been too interested in Hugo Strange but this story seems to be the kind of thing he was made for. He's psychoanalyzing the city of Gotham for Amanda Waller in an effort to discover the proper therapy to cure it of its mania, depression, violent tendencies, and god complex. If that seems a bit too abstract, Hugo also gets to do the same thing to a hero named Gotham. That should make the allegory more palatable, I think. And while Hugo Strange might have the ability of manipulating people through therapy, he doesn't quite have the chops to simply mind-control some super kids. So getting him to manipulate Psycho Pirate to manipulate the Gotham Kids is a nice touch. Although isn't that how Psycho Pirate is always used? He's such a spineless coward without any emotions of his own! The Medusa Mask made him its slave and now he's just a quivering blank slate to be chalked upon by villains smarter and stronger willed than he is. So, you know, I'm still enjoying Batman! Ptui! _______________________________________________
¹Yes, that is indeed code for his penis.

²I don't mean contrived in a derogatory sense!

³According to Justice League Rebirth #1!

⁴At least not this time!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Justice League #1

Who can even stand against this team? Two Green Lanterns! A god! A Kryptonian! A speedster! A shapechanging computer! The Jeezly-Crow Batman! And a wet guy!

The Commentary!
The issue begins with a splash page of Wonder Woman that Greg Rucka wouldn't approve of because her underwear is showing. It's mostly a waste of space but I'm pretty sure it's in Tony S. Daniel's contract that he get to draw at least one large picture of a female in every comic book he works on. Wonder Woman is riding the Bolt of Zeus through the sky to remind everybody that it's her new weapon. I think she got it in Bryan Hitch's JLA comic book which never had a conclusion and probably never will because at this point, who the fuck cares? It wasn't even as great as all of the other comic book reviewers thought it was! Even if I thought it was good (which I don't think I did!), I was wrong if I did indeed do. Or whatever.

Superman #3

I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey Rebirth #1

My male gaze is so hard right now.

The Commentary!
The New 52 Birds of Prey was a really terrible book. Apparently Gail Simone called it "The Birds That Craps." That seems a little too witty for something Gail Simone would come up so I tend to believe Gail Simone when she says she never called them that. Although I think Gail Simone should apologize anyway instead of "Fact Policing" people. How dare she tell somebody that they believe stupid things that couldn't possibly be factual since who would know better than Gail Simone if she said it? That's a bit presumptuous! I did call the New 52 Birds of Prey "The Turds of Prey" though because I'm as hilarious as a twelve year old farting during music class.

I kind of hope this comic book is terrible too so that I can call it Batgirl and the Turds of Prey! Ha ha! Still funny!

Batgirl begins this issue by pissing me off. She's all, "I'm back from training overseas! Read it about it in my solo comic book which comes out tomorrow! I don't know why DC didn't schedule that book to be published before this book! I guess because DC is full of dum-dums!" Okay, maybe part of that quote was from the Editor, Chris Suckerfuck. I made up the last name because Chris was too stupid to put his or her last name in the Asterisk Information Box.

Batgirl shows off her new overseas training by explaining to herself (who else would she be Narration Boxing to? Not the reader, certainly! That would mean schizophrenic!) why she's using the different moves she's using. She explains why she kicks a guy in the jaw: because she stepped in dog shit earlier and she finds it funny. She explains why she punches a guy in the tits: because most men are self-conscious if they have flabby pectorals and she finds humiliating them funny. She explains why she sweeps the leg of another thug: because Sensei Kreese said to.

After beating up the thugs, Barb snoops around on one of their phones because she doesn't have to worry about search and seizure laws. It's the best part about being a vigilante! I mean, after all the sweet poontang. Not that Barbara Gordon is taking advantage of that perk. She thinks she's too smart to have a penis inside of her. And she probably is because who wants to fuck somebody dumber than themselves? I can barely talk to people dumber than me although that doesn't stop me from talking with the Non-Certified Spouse's sister. Oh! Burn, Lindsey! You loser! But seriously! Who wants some troglodyte poking around in their lady caves? Barbara Gordon is so smart she'll never find anybody to have sex with. Especially since she kind of ruined her relationship with Lucas Fox who might have been at least close enough to her intelligence to bang. So I guess she's going to have to stick to her Bat-Back-Massager and her Bat-Bathtub-Tap.

Great! More Batgirl imposters! Can't she battle anybody at all who isn't trying to be her? Like she's so fucking special!

Batgirl seems surprised that, yet again, somebody is pretending to be her. Or at least a version of herself that she used to be. She says, "I guess in my case, the past is apparently prologue." Isn't that the case in everybody's case? I mean, my past came before now and I think now is the main story, so the past must be the prologue. Unless this second is just the prologue to my sudden fame and fortune! And then my past is apparently pro-prologue!

Because this is Rebirth, Barbara Gordon needs to straighten out her history for all of the continuity nerds dying to learn which stories they've read have now been relegated to the dustbin and thus were a huge waste of time. Too bad for a lot of people, one of those stories wasn't The Killing Joke. Since that's the one that got the wheelchair rolling on the whole Oracle thing, I suppose it has to be the first major story declared canon in Batgirl's Rebirth.

The Joker shot Barbara Gordon in the spine to make Gordon and Batman feel bad. I suppose he wanted Barbara to feel bad too but he didn't really know her that well, so he just shot her in the spine and left her for dead (after taking naked pictures of her) before taking her father to the amusement park to sodomize him while little people in fetish leather danced around singing. I don't really remember The Killing Joke that well but I think I got the gist of it. Barbara wound up in a wheelchair and since, according to Babs, Gotham wasn't made for the disabled (only the mentally ill apparently!), she decided to help fight crime with her brains! And a computer too! Mostly the computer.

Oh, so we're going to pretend that she didn't work for the Suicide Squad first? Are we just erasing Ostrander's creation of Oracle from DC History? Way to go, jerkbros!

Don't worry, John Ostrander! I still remember that you created Oracle no matter what everybody else is being told to believe!

Anyway, the Birds of Prey were formed (probably the Preboot Birds and not the New 52 Turds. Might as well use the well written history and not the confusing mess by Swierczynski) until Barbara regained the ability to walk through experimental brain surgery. Then Dinah flounced off annoyed, went on tour, ruined the careers of several musicians and even more venue owners, and then quit music forever to go fuck Oliver Queen in Seattle. I guess she only does that on the weekends though because she needs to spend the weekdays with the new Birds of Prey in Gotham.

Bo Maeve and the old Black Canary band are back in town to play Burnside so that Burnside Tofu doesn't go out of xerox. That's my clever way of saying "out of print" for a fanzine! Totally genius commentary on the punk lifestyle of the zinesters! Because of Bo's word balloon during the concert, I don't know if Black Canary kept the name Black Canary or changed it to Black Tuna. Oh fuck how I hope they changed it!

Barb finds Dinah at the concert and brings her back to her place. Ohhhhh, my male gaze is getting excited!

I hope nobody notices the clock never moves past 8:29 and realizes there must be no gears behind it which could only mean it's the lair of a superhero!

Black Canary decides to help under the name of the Birds of Prey but just for one night! She doesn't want a repeat of the last time where they were called Turds of Prey by that hilariously snarky but super intelligent and perceptive critic. Their first step is to track down the person passing around the information from Oracle to the mob bosses. Their second step should be killing Batgirl so nobody else can steal her memories and cause all this fucking trouble.

Meanwhile, The Huntress (the new Helena Bertinelli version and not the old version. Although this is Rebirth so just forget about all of the versions except for this one) is killing mobsters and the next one on her list is the one the Birds of Prey are going after. I bet this is how they meet! I hope Helena gets her chocolate in Dinah's peanut butthole.

"That's it! Everybody get naked!" No?

Helena makes sure Black Canary and Batgirl know that Helena knows their names. That should make them trust her! They won't think she's Oracle at all now!

Meanwhile, Oracle sits in front of a bunch of computer screens just like every other villain in Rebirth has done so far. I guess he's just another Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

The Review!
I don't know what to think about this comic book yet. This is obviously just the part of the story where the members of the future Birds of Prey are simply being gathered in one place so that they can say, "Hey! We should all be members of the Turds of Prey again! Nobody tell Katana! We don't want her murdering hundreds of people when she blows up another hotel like last time!" The main reason I'm not sure about it is that nothing really happens. Comic books tend to spend way too much time on prologue. They should just get right to the part where these three come together hunting the same person and start from there! That should be Page One! But instead I have to read all this bullshit about how they formed. I don't like the getting to know each other bullshit! I like the bullshit where they're already good friends who don't mind walking around the apartment in front of the others in their panties!

Monday, July 25, 2016

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Harley Quinn #29

Issue #29?! I ran out of things to say about Harley by Issue #11!

The Review or Whatever!
I figured out the main ingredients to a Harley Quinn comic book last issue! I know, I know! How the hell did it take me nearly thirty issues to figure out what makes this book tick?! I suppose I was distracted by one of the main ingredients: lots of half-nude panels! This one starts off strong with the near nudity right there on the cover! Okay, so it's just a bit of breast smashed against a window. But you know what seeing a bit of breast means to a twelve year old boy¹? Plus the image of Harley as a gigantic robot on the first page is so sexy that I just fucked my toaster². Another main ingredient of a Harley Quinn comic book is loads of innuendo. Consider innuendo the onions of a Harley Quinn meal. If prepared right, they'll highlight the flavors and bring it all together. But if you fuck up, you've got food that tasted like an onion farted on it. While reading this issue, I will almost certainly wind up with innuendo fart breath. On the first page alone, you have a picture of a rooster named Mike which is a totally great dirty joke if you're just the right mix of mature and immature to understand it, and picture of Harley's beaver. That's an innuendo because she has a real beaver. It's stuffed³. And the main ingredient of a Harley Quinn comic which can successfully bring all of the other ingredients together: hinted at sex with Poison Ivy! I'm pretty sure that's the main reason fans read this book. Because they get some in canon material to help them jerk off⁴ to their Harley on Poison Ivy action. Oh! I almost forgot the spices! Sprinkle in a whole bunch of Holee Wordarollees and you're done!

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Harley Quinn #28

Even if Harley survives the explosion, she's probably going to lose her left leg.

The Review or Whatever
Somebody was trolling everybody concerned about Melania Trump's "ghost" writer for her speech at the RNC. They created a fake Twitter account for this "Meredith McIver" who probably exists but is really just a scapegoat for whoever actually wrote the speech plagiarizing Michelle Obama (whoever actually wrote it had to have been some joker sabotaging Trump. I picture the person just sitting back and smiling a goofy grin as Melania read Michelle Obama's words as a room full of Republicans applauded). This person was vehemently defending obviously photoshopped pictures of her with Trump and it was truly hilarious how people kept arguing with this "Meredith" about the reality of such obviously fake pictures. This person even had a poorly faked picture of Meredith standing outside 10 Downing Street with Piers Morgan.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #3

This comic book was created to increase the number of half-naked cosplayers at Comic Con.

The Review!
Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys is a comic book about Harley Quinn's Gang of Harleys. They all dress in variations of Harley's outfit but are a more diverse group of characters than just white bisexual female clowns. It might be a good comic book for representation if it wasn't being written by Frank Tieri and Jimmy Palmiotti. I haven't done the research but I'm going to assume they're both white heterosexual males. I think this comic book is suppose to be funny but it's just annoying and I'm still going to read it through Issue #6 because I guess I hate myself.

The Visual Commentary!

Because this is all I have the patience for with this Gang of Harley shit.


Why is there Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in the freezer of an Indian restaurant?

Earth Too: Society #14

Oh fuck. The Wonders all just came together in peace! Why are they at each others' throats this time?!

The Review!
More than any other book published by DC Comics, this one is exhibiting all the flaws of editorial process. At first it seemed like Earth-Too, the revamped Convergence world (I think? It doesn't really matter. Don't think about it too hard), was going to become an exact replica of Earth-2 so that we could get back to Justice Society of America stories. But then something happened behind the scenes which changed that idea and so nobody on Earth-2 was able to use the Genesis Machine and Bruce's cube of coded information. Earth-Too was going to proceed with a new story about how the Wonders were going to help remake the world in the face of shortages and border skirmishes and culture conflicts. But with Rebirth, it looks like the editors want Earth-2 back! So guess what story is taking place? That's right! It's the Genesis Machine story yet again! Except instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin, we have Ultra-Humanite trying to steal it. But I'm sure, according to this cover, we're still going to have the heroes fighting among themselves for the future of this planet. Will it continue to be Earth-Too or will it once again become the Earth-2 everybody's grandfather misses? I'm guessing, since this story is getting a second chance, it will end differently this time and we'll be left with Earth-2.

The Commentary!
Earth-2 Dick Grayson has been a horrible father. He wasn't able to find his kid for about thirty issues of Earth-2 and then after Convergence, he all but gave up on finding him. That's too bad because he was around to be found! It's just a sentient white-haired ape got to him first! Now Dick Grayson's kid is an instant teenager with super powers and severe Daddy Issues! He's going to fit in great in the DC Universe.

Since Tornado Lane failed to write a constitution of the world, the Wonders now need to come up with a means of governing that everybody will accept. Except that's not possible because the only way Wonders know how to decide things is with their fists. But usually while they're beating each other up, they're attacked by a real threat which leads them to all agree on punching that person together. So Ultra-Humanite will probably be the one to unite the Wonders and bring about world peace. And then I guess somebody will accidentally knock the Pandora Vessel off of a table and recreate Earth-2?

Oh, excuse me. It's the Pandora Casket this issue.

If I remember correctly (and I'm not claiming I am because my memory sucks and I hate remembering anything about any New 52 Earth-2 comic book anyway!), The Huntress was all for terraforming the world with the Genesis Machine and Power Girl was against it. Well now Power Girl is all for terraforming the world with the Pandora Vessel--excuse me!--Casket because why not? They tried things the non-destroying-the-world-to-replace-it-with-an-old-one way and it didn't work. Let's try destroying the world and see if that's any better!

Dick Grayson wants to return the old world so that he can be reunited with Babs and the son he lost eight times and finally decided to just stop looking for. But will that be any better than not having him? He'll spend every minute thinking, "But is this really Babs? Is this really my son? Or just pale imitations of people I couldn't really get intimate with anyway?" That way lies madness! Especially if the new Babs decides she doesn't like not-new Dick! Then he'll have lost her twice!

Meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite's Humanites begin their attack on Neotropolis. How can it fail? The Humanites are mostly composed of five and six year olds instantly aged to teenagers and given super powers. The Wonders are experienced fighters who have had years to hone their battle techniques! Although being older also means the Wonders have lost most of their passion, so maybe the Humanites will win the day on pure youthful exuberance and idealism! Oh to be young and credulous again!

Of course the youngsters get the upper hand! I was just listing the reasons why they really shouldn't win. But we all knew they would beat the Wonders in the first half of the story because that's how comic book stories work. After the defeat, the heroes rally together and rise up against overwhelming odds to save the day! I mean all of the heroes that are left.

Yeah! Nothing can cut steel! It's a known science fact!

All the battle stuff is your typical battle stuff so I should get to the big surprise twist ending that nobody saw coming. Firepattern is the last Humanite left after battling Fury and is about to get the Pandora Vessel--Fuck. Sorry again!--Casket when he sees a battered, broken old man leaning on it telling jokes about over his dead body or something. Firepattern is all, "Daddy?!" And Dick Grayson is all, "What? Of course I'm not your dad! You're like sixteen years old! I would have had to have fathered you at ten! Get out of here!" No wait! He doesn't do that at all. He's just all, "John?! I finally found you! I'm the hero dad!" And then the series doesn't respectfully die but continues next month.

The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."