Thursday, December 31, 2015

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7

This issue is off to a promising start!

That caption up there? I hate it. I hate saying things that people say. But how is anybody going to understand me if I say things people don't often say? Which I often do! Then the person reading my blog sits there on their core strengthening balls with their mouths agape thinking, "Why am I reading this bullshit when I could be Candy Crushing my way to literal enlightenment?!" Is that something people say? I do sometimes like to type things that people say but only when I'm trying to write a believable hypothetical character. And speaking of believable hypothetical characters, let's take a look at the exact opposite of that with our guide, Scott Lobdell!

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Justice League #47

Is this a redesign of Finch's Wonder Woman costume? I miss the "V for Vagina" skirt.

It's almost as if Geoff Johns has created an entire DC Universe to play in that's his alone. Nothing he writes in this comic book has anything to do with any of the other comic books in the DC You. Damn it must feel good to be Chief Creative Officer!

Previously, the entire Justice League became gods. I mean, if you think of the entirety of the Justice League as the white males because certainly Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Power Ring didn't become gods. I think Hal Jordan didn't become a god either because he refused Mother Box's seductive offer. He was all, "Mother Box? Are you trying to seduce me?" And Mother Box was all, "BOOOM!"

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he's headed to Gotham to tell Batman that he's going to develop clots in his legs if he doesn't get out of the Batchair occasionally and walk around. But Batman is suddenly obsessed with sitting. It's like his ass is tapped into the universal internet and he's going to use it for justice. Okay, maybe not for justice so much as for sating his own curiosity, which is totally close enough. If you're Batman.

Why don't you mind your own fucking Bat-business, Hal?

The Batchair lets Batman know that Superman is being a huge dick and Batman doesn't respond with "I could have told you that, you stupid know-it-all chair!" Because Batman is currently trying to slap Wonder Woman around because she said she doesn't love him and also he noticed with his supervision that she was sexually aroused by Steve Trevor.

I know it's funny to laugh at Superman because he's often a dickhole but usually he's a well-meaning dickhole and most of his dickholery is due to being a somewhat naive farmboy. But lately he's been a different kind of dickhole. Lately he's been Earth's biggest enemy because he's constantly being mind-controlled or possessed by magic or infected with Doomsday Spores or getting his power stolen by bad guys to use against a xenophobic and mostly racist populace. Now he's been fundamentally changed by absorbing the power of Apokolips so that he's not even a pale shadow of his former self. Now he's just the villain that everybody on Earth-You already believes he is. Good job, Superman! I hate saying it but Batman was fucking right. The world is better off without you. I hope Ben Affleck kicks your ass in the upcoming movie.

While Diana tries to calm down her soon to be ex-boyfriend, Mister Miracle's Mini-Justice League are infiltrating Belle Reve so they can interview Ultraman and Superwoman. But their plan is going tits up because Jessica can't control Volthoom, her power ring. And Owlman is probably right around the corner biding his time! And Ultraman may have a small rock of Kryptonite ready to grind up and snort for one last burst of power. Since this comic book is akin to a blockbuster movie, a whole shitload more things need to go wrong before the good guys can win through. I hope somebody gets space madness next issue.

Wonder Woman is able to pacify Superman with her lasso before Green Lantern and Batman arrive.

Batman annoyingly finishes his thought on the next page which is "You're dying."

Who cares? Superman doesn't have to worry about dying because The Flash is now death! And why would The Flash kill his buddy Superman?!

The next shit to be dumped unceremoniously on the fan is the Anti-Monitor finally getting his act together. He was out of it for a little bit so that the Justice League members could tell their godlike new origin stories. But now the Anti-Monitor has returned and he's dying to sit in the Batchair. Also Cyborg is possessed by Grid just like Jessica was possessed by Volthoom. Superwoman blasts Mister Miracle and Big Barda with her Death to New Gods Vision while Ultraman's crying ass limps over to Superwoman's cell. That means only the one other living member of the Crime Syndicate is missing!

I knew he was fucking lurking around a corner. Creepy motherfucker.

Justice League #47 Rating: No change. There's a lot of flash-bang bedazzle going on in this comic book but The Darkseid War plot is just barely crawling along. Except technically that plot ended almost immediately because Darkseid died issues ago! Since then, it's all been set-up to get the Justice League ready to battle their--apparently--greatest foe ever: The Anti-Monitor! The League needed some power upgrades and some allies who were defeated by the Anti-Monitor once already. Johns was smart to bring in the Crime Syndicate because now the Anti-Monitor will be battling some people he can kill. My guess is Ultraman, Grid, and Volthoom will die in the coming battle. That way Jessica can stop having to fight her ring (although a piece of him will come out at a later date when more drama is needed!). And nobody cares if Grid never returns. Ultraman is the wild card because it's always nice to have an evil Superman that snorts Kryptonite hanging about in the DC Youniverse. But he's really not needed since Superwoman's baby's father is Owlman. I'm guessing this story arc ends in Issue #50? Will there be another company-wide reboot at that time?

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Distractedbyshinyobjects said once around the time I was a better writer than I currently am: “I also hate Scott Lobdell’s writing. But your reviews of his books are superlative comic book criticism.” That was probably before my hatred for Lobdell's writing had turned my brain into jelly and I stopped even trying to offer salient points of criticism. If you’d like to support me, please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Batman and Robin Eternal #13

I wish I had a mark of Cain!

Who doesn't want a mark of Cain?! If I'd had a brother, I would have totally murdered him so that I would fall under God's protection too! Lucky Cain! Not only was Cain given God's protection, he was also driven out from under God's sight so that he didn't have to worship him! So he got out of going to church too! And that's just the beginning of the gifts Cain got! Cain was also "cursed" to not be able to do farm work! I wonder how many people you have to kill to be cursed to not have to do any labor at all?! Can I just declare that I did something so bad that I'm cursed even worse than Cain the way Lamech did?! "Oh shit! I totally took God's name in vain like a billion times! I'm cursed seventy-thousand fold more times than Cain. Now I need to go on disability!"

Maybe the assumptions I just made about The Bible are part of the reason the church didn't want any old stupid piece of shit peasant reading and interpreting it on their own. How angry must the church have been at John Wycliffe when he first translated the Latin into English and they began hearing the same stupid questions from ignorant dolts over and over again. Questions like "Where did Cain's wife come from if it wasn't totally his sister and since I haven't read Leviticus all the way through because--let's face it, guys--it's ficken boring, it's totally okay to bang my sister because it had to have been Cain's sister, right? Can you give me an answer quickly because the tip is almost in and I don't want to go to hell in...oh god yes it was worth it!" Also "How angry must the church have been at John Wycliffe?" is totally a question that can be answered because they were this angry at him: 44 years after Wycliffe died, the Pope ordered his bones dug up, crushed into powder, and tossed in a river. You might be thinking, "Holy shit! That's horrible!" But look at it from the church's point of view: now people like me are reading The Bible and pointing out how silly it is. I would never have taken the time to learn Latin just to make fun of The Bible!

Too bad for the Church (capital "C" because it's the one that killed millions to keep itself all powerful. We know which one that one is, right? *huge manga wink*), desecrating Wycliffe's body wasn't warning enough for the many people over the following centuries who continued his work of making The Bible accessible to the masses. It's a long list of people banished, excommunicated, burned at the stake, martyred, and discredited in an effort to keep people from realizing that the story of Abraham and Sarah scamming Pharaoh out of his donkeys in Egypt was repeated at least two more times but in different places and with Isaac and Rebecca as the con-artists. Oh, they were also trying to keep people from knowing a lot more than that! The things in Genesis that make no sense according to Church Doctrine is just the tip of the conspiracy. The part I'm most angry about is where Onan's sin is said to be attributed to spilling his seed on the ground when the real issue is that he broke a contract. Isn't that always the way though? Let the corruption of big business off the hook while blaming the few and simple pleasures of the common people.

I should find some illustrated Bible comics and do commentaries on those! That would be fun! Until then, maybe I should stick to Batman and Robin.

Cassandra Cain begins this issue by reprogramming an ARGUS spy plane to fly over Mother's nursery, stowing away aboard it, and then bailing out when it flies over a Russian pit to Hell. The ARGUS pilots recognize the pit because James Tynion IV was all, "I once heard about how a Russian diamond mine dug too deep and let loose Durin's Bane which killed them all but not before one of them recorded the sounds of the damned because the pit reached Hell unless that was a totally different thing but anyway I'm going to mention it in a comic book because it's so fucking cool, Scott!" And Scott Snyder was all, "Mmmpphhh-ffumffle-mmmbble-fummfffle!" I don't know what that means because Google Translate doesn't have an option to translate "James Tynion's Dick In Your Mouth" into English.

I kid! I know Scott Snyder is a happily married heterosexual who only spent a small fraction of his life dressing up as Disney characters and hanging out in the men's showers at Disneyworld. Besides, if I was really being serious, it would have been James Tynion IV sucking Scott Snyder's dick because Snyder is the one that was hired by DC for his ability and it was James who was hired because of whose dick he knew.

I hope Snyder and Tynion never read this! Or if they do, I hope they have as good a sense of humor as Sterling Gates and not as poor a sense of humor as Cullen Bunn.

Oh! Pictures! I should distract everybody with pictures after that doubly horrible start to a comic book review!

Is Mother supposed to be an accurate representation of all mothers because she's almost exactly like my own!

This is the part where everybody has to forgive me for all of the horrible things I constantly say because they realize I was raised by a horribly manipulative woman who constantly showered love upon every child around her except her own! That's why my heart is a shriveled piece of turkey jerky! Unless it's like that because of all the horror movies I watched and horror books I read and all those things I hid under the front porch.

Oh! Look at this! I don't know which one to rub my dick on first!

You've got to think that after nine seasons and two movies, maybe the truth isn't fucking out there after all, hmm?

What the fuck is television trying to do to me?! I don't have this much time! I'm going to have to give up comic books if television is going to spend this much time turning them into shows.

Cassandra Cain has come to save Mother's children before they're all purged in the move. While she runs about, she remembers learning how to hug a person. She hugs The Sculptor who is appalled because Cassandra wasn't made for hugs. That's Wonder Woman bullshit. At that moment, The Sculptor should have known that Cassandra wasn't right for The Orphan's project. I would be better suited because I not only hate hugs, I also hate shaking hands and nearly every other form of human contact ever invented by humans who, for some reason, need more themselves!

Cassandra does not find any children. But she does find her father, The Orphan! He's got a new bionic arm and possibly a new foot since Harper mentioned he'd lost his leg even though that was probably just her misremembering what happened because the writer of that script didn't really fucking care about the comics written by the other writers.

Cassandra is captured and dumped in a pit full of the corpses of Mother's murdered children. So I was totally wrong that the comic book wouldn't lie to me last week and try to make me believe something that wasn't true! I totally and completely fell for it and super believed that Cassandra had just murdered all of the children! How could I be so dumb?! How could anybody be that dumb as to believe that Cassandra had killed the children or that Batman had murdered some kid's parents?! I mean, who am I? Dick Grayson?

The Orphan reminds Cassandra that the death of these children is on her shoulders because she left Mother and ran to tell Batman. But Batman was too busy battling The Joker so he had to give his Batgum to Cassandra to give to Dick if he died. Which he kind of did. But first he had a message of hope for Cassandra that ended with this vile act.

Ugh! Batman is so fucking touchy-feely!

Cassandra attacks The Orphan but before she can prove to him that she's a better fighter, Dick and Harper show up to help out. Cassandra hugs Harper because she's weak and then a hologram of Mother appears to set up the cliffhanger ending!

Look at it this way, Orphan. You've now earned a chance to redeem yourself now that Mother's betrayed you! Die with the thermonuclear device as you delay it long enough for your daughter to escape and we'll all pretend that the murder of thousands of children and their parents can be forgiven!

Batman and Robin Eternal #13 Rating: No change. I'll say this about this weekly in comparison to the Batman Eternal weekly: at least each week seems to be giving up a piece of the story. Batman Eternal was all about red herrings and rungs in some bad guy ladder leading up to Lincoln March (or, um, the actual villain who wasn't Lincoln March if you haven't read it yet and don't want it spoiled. It was totally somebody else and not Cluemaster at all). It's been a bit of origin overload the last few weeks but at least it all has to do with the main plot of Mother trying to take over the world and Batman trying to beat her by pretending to order a personalized Robin and Cassandra being at the center of it all. And now as I say that, next week will probably be an issue where Alfred deals with getting Titus neutered.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As ConfusionGrows said once about some comic book I actually quite liked for some reason (probably because I was on Vicodin): “If Tessatechaitea says this much good about a comic it must have something going for it.” I think the subtext of that is that I'm usually a huge asshole. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Gotham Academy #13

I'm considering getting drunk.

I'm not really in the mood to read more comic books tonight but I'm not really in the mood to do anything else either. I tried playing a little more Temple of Elemental Evil but Zuggtmoy kicked my ass and then I made a deal with Hedrack not to fight but as soon as the conversation ended, he was all, "Hey! Let's fight!" Fucker. I'm going to get drunk and kill you, you piece of shit! But first I guess I'll read this Robin War tie-in.

This issue is called "Robins vs. Zombies" and I already know what's going to happen because Riko spilled the beans all over the other Robin War comic books. A Talon is going to enroll at Gotham Academy and nobody is going to let him sit with them at lunch because Gotham Academy doesn't really have an undead clique. And Maps was probably busy writing a dungeon crawl for her role playing game, Serpents and Spells, or else she totally would have invited the zombie to sit at her table.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Gotham Academy #12

Why isn't the main character on the cover?

Hopefully at the one year mark, we'll get an ending to the Sybil Silverlock story. Then Olive can get serious about her school work and Maps can take over the lead. Unless that jerk Riko thinks she's going to get the lead! If she winds up at Gotham Academy for good, she'd better know her place! Maps is the leader of Pizza Detective Club and she's more of a real Robin than Riko ever will be! Maps had the approval of two separate Robins before this stupid We Are Robin movement even began!

While Maps and Olive were off looking for clues as to the identity of Calamity, Kyle Mizoguchi disappeared. Now Maps is upset because that was her brother but Olive is probably sort of glad because he was her ex and it's always easier when your ex just mysteriously disappears and you can breathe easy knowing you'll never run into them again.

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Batman #47

Will Batman ever learn that roughing up The Joker merely results in a clown erection?

I haven't quite figured out this Mister Bloom story yet. Mister Bloom must be Commissioner Gordon's nemesis in much the same way that the Court of Owls were Batman's nemesis. Snyder went all in with Gotham City itself being one of the major character's in this comic book rather than just the setting. Batman's main nemesis was The Joker for more decades than I can count (without a calculator, of course! I'm great at counting with a calculator!). But when The Court of Owls came along, I believe they easily replaced him. I'm not going to debate the matter with anybody who disagrees with me because they'll win the debate so fuck them. They'll never outdo The Joker on personality and likeability and stupidly insane Bat-traps. But they struck at an aspect of Batman that has rarely been touched on: his absolute love affair with Gotham. It's no wonder Catwoman can barely crack the surface on this guy when he's got such a hard-on for the city. The Court of Owls provoked jealousy from Batman because he realized that he might actually be Gotham's extra-marital affair and not its spouse. To find out that not only did he not know something about Gotham but to learn that the thing he didn't know knew Gotham better than he ever knew it fucked him up. I'll always love the Court of Owls for that reason alone. They'll always have a piece of Gotham's heart that Batman will never have access to and it drives him fucking crazy. But what can he do? They're basically an entity that has existed alongside Gotham for its entire existence while he's just a thirty-something year old man. I suppose he can over-identify with his Wayne family roots the way that fucking Dumas guy has over-identified with his family on Gotham but Batman has too many other things to obsess about on his calendar.

What I'm trying to get at is how does Mister Bloom relate to Commissioner Gordon in the same sort of way that The Court of Owls related to Batman?

I'm just not sure. I don't know enough about Commissioner Gordon to truly understand his conflict with Mister Bloom. It must have to do with "growing" ideas for helping the city. Gordon wants to make Gotham a better, safer place to live as much as Batman does but he wants to do it by the book. He believes in people doing their jobs to the best of their ability which feeds the best interests of the city. What does Mister Bloom want? A more chaotic city? Planting seeds in people so that they grow wild and rise up against the best interests of Gotham? I just can't catch the thread of thought that lead Snyder down this path. It must be an issue that doesn't matter to me so I just can't see it. Now if Commissioner Gordon were battling Mister PiƱata, I'd totally understand what was going on because it would be about hidden candy and how a person beats the crap out of something to get at that candy!

Stupid name for a card game, Harvey, but I get the sentiment. Gotham will always be a major factor in Snyder's stories!

Commissioner Batman is currently battling the Honey Bunny Bat Armor because it's always a treat for fans to see superheroes fighting each other. Fighting themselves? Although who's really worried about Gordon losing this fight? The Honey Bunny Bat Armor has become immobilized within a page or two of every appearance it's ever made in a comic book. So this battle should be over fairly quickly so Gordon can deal with Mister Bloom. Except Mister Bloom will have probably fled because this story can't resolve for a few more issues.

Or not. Mister Bloom actually sticks around to finish Gordon off. Not keep him alive to humiliate him. Or to tell him his entire plan.

Well, maybe he could tell him just a little bit?

Is this it? Does Mister Bloom represent the inevitable changes of any city? And Gordon represents the longtime resident weathering the change and minimizing its negative effects on a city he's loved for so long? In that way, Mister Bloom isn't evil at all. He's natural and quite flexible. He represents the evolution of a space over time. Growth. But he's growth out of control. He's apartment buildings with no parking rising up in every place a contractor is able to knock down a hundred year old home that used to house only a small handful of people so that now the streets are overflowing with parked cars. He's failing infrastructure ignored for superficial improvements to attract an influx of new residents to fight for limited job opportunities. He's gentrification lauded for improving poorer areas while really just spreading the problems about to different parts of the city while young, upwardly mobile slackers learn how to DJ. Gordon is simply fighting for the livability of his city. Mister Bloom and his seeds give no thought to Gotham. It's a plan that doesn't give a fuck about Gotham. It's a plan that no Batman can abide.

Commissioner Batman's blocker kicks in at just this moment to cancel out Mister Bloom's powers. His seeds are destroyed. His powers are gone. It might be time for Commissioner Gordon to do a little gardening.

Meanwhile Bruce Wayne shows up outside the Iceberg Casino to help Duke escape from The Penguin. I guess he's pretty serious about helping these wayward youths. And we learn that Duke didn't just figure out Dick Grayson's identity. He's figured out Batman's as well.

I was hoping Damian would have this moment but I'll take Duke's version. Fuck yeah, I will.

Alfred is going to be pissed.

Mister Bloom has been caught but not for long. Gordon can't do it all himself (even if he has Daryl and Julia Perrywonth helping). He needs Bruce. So Mister Bloom escapes with the help of dozens of other Mister Blooms. And Bruce is forced to acknowledge the secret he's been denying so he could keep banging Julie Madison without interruptions. But just before he says it out loud. Just before he says it--that line which my best friend once uttered after nearly drowning because he suffered a concussion while jumping off a railroad trestle into a river and I asked him if he knew who he was and he answered, "I'm Batman"--an old friend appears.

So what's The Joker been up to? Did the Dionesium fuck with his brain too? Has he been doing open mic nights at the Iceberg Lounge?

Batman #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is why you continue to trust writers that have always rewarded your trust. Even if you weren't into Commissioner Batman, you can't just drop a book that Snyder and Capullo have been killing it on since The New 52 began. I mean, sure, you can! But then you just have to pick it up again when somebody tells you fucking hard the story rocked them a few months later! Granted, the least interesting parts of this book were about Commissioner Batman! The real story that everybody has been interested in has been taking place in the background. But holy fuck is that story compelling! This is the kind of shit I was eager for at the end of last issue! Revelations that leave me wanting more rather than trying to leave me wanting more by continuing to not tell me anything! This fucking book right here is the way to keep people coming back! Can writers make revelations like this every issue or will they spontaneously combust from the sheer awesomeness of it all?!

Monday, December 28, 2015

Prez #6

I'm all for Corndog Girl on the twenty dollar bill.

Some people have been wondering why I put my reviews behind a pay wall so I thought I'd answer them now. Because they're worth it. Oh, and actually they're not--and never have been--real reviews. I'm not concerned with pointing out how the letterer perfectly captured the feeling of a vampire growling out sex commands. Or how the colorist created a cheerful and bright tone which contrasted poignantly with the sorrow and despair of the characters in the book. Occasionally I'll point out how David Finch somehow fucked up so badly that he put six fingers on Wonder Woman (not hyperbole!) or I'll defend Rob Liefeld's ability to draw feet by pointing out they're just as good as everything else he draws. I definitely do concern myself with the writing though. But is that really much of a review when I'm discussing a comic book? That's probably not even 50% of the final product! So, no, I am not writing reviews. I'm writing spontaneous essays based on whatever the fuck digressions the comic book's plot points send me spiraling into. If you're into reading fucked up ephemeral tidbits loosely based around DC Comic books, you might actually be interested in getting your ass behind the paywall. If you're not, well fuck it, right? You've got an infinite amount of free internet to peruse at your leisure. Hell, even most of the porn is free!

But if you're interested in discovering just how big my crush on Corndog Girl is, you might want to keep reading!

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All Star Section Eight #6

This could have ended DK III before it begun thus saving me a load of money.

I probably won't have much to say about this comic book. I never really have much to say about All Star Section Eight. It's Ennis and McCrea having a goof about superheroes. Again. Although Superman stars in this one and Ennis gets Superman. Which is weird when you realize Garth Ennis doesn't really give a shit about superheroes and seems to find them patently ridiculous. And yet he's one of the few writers who consistently does a good job writing Superman. Probably because he doesn't view Superman as his superpowers but as his heart, motivation, and ultimate kindness for all people. Weird how that concept frustrates so many writers.

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Gotham by Midnight #12

The orgy from last issue's cover has gone horribly awry.

At the end of the last issue, The Spectre was about to get laid. It's about time. That angry asshole has really needed it. But who wants to fuck an angry asshole, right? That's why they get angrier and angrier until their testosterone builds up to lethal levels and they go on a shooting rampage. That isn't a joke. It would be a pretty shitty joke if it was! Angry assholes who can't get laid and somehow think they're nice guys are the most dangerous people in America (after cops (who might also be angry assholes who aren't getting any sex)). America would be much safer with a well-regulated sex industry and a softening of the stigma of "having to pay for it." What's wrong with paying for sex anyway?! It's not like guys who see women as objects are going to stop seeing women as objects because other people tell them it's wrong to do so. It's better they have sex with a professional who only has to deal with them between payment and coming than have them harassing amateur objects in bars and clubs and libraries and on the street and in coffee shops. Why would any guy who sees women as objects want to spend any time wooing an object anyway? No wonder they're so angry! If I knew I had to somehow charm my torch lamp by convincing it I wasn't the insane monster I really was just to get it to light up my room every single day, I'd get more and more pissed, week after week! Stupid torch lamp! I control you! You have to do what I want by giving me what I need!

Also have they not heard of masturbation? It's great! Now I want to read a comic book where The Phantom Stranger walks in on The Spectre jerking off.

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Sunday, December 27, 2015

Gotham by Midnight #11

Gotham By Midnight has finally stopped being about the Spectre and turned into the late night adult television channel it sounds like it should be.

Last commentary I completely skipped doing a proper commentary and instead wrote an offensive screed by Death Rock. I guess I was in the kind of mood to simply say "Fuck the world." It happens sometimes. Plus it was less offensive than it actually seemed on the surface. I sometimes wonder if the people who say my writing isn't subtle are missing the subtlety in my writing?! Anyway, it was entertaining and made fun of Bon Jovi which goes a long way to making it palatable. And I made sure to point out that the soundtrack to Young Guns II was the best thing Jon Bon Jovi ever did. I hope the rest of his band doesn't feel hurt by that. I mean, Runaway and Love is a Social Disease are pretty good too! This week I'll actually try to discuss Gotham By Midnight since I'm going to read the last two issues in succession.

You know what comic book I just realized I want to read because my subconscious kept adding to the name of this comic as I typed it? Gotham By Midnighter! You think Batman's books contain a lot of fuckfighting?!

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Twat Lobo #13

Twenty years ago, I'd have rooted against Hal Jordan. Not today!

Well Twat Lobo! You had a good run. I mean, it wasn't exactly "good" at all, really. It was practically the definition of horrible. But keep your chin up! If you ignore all of the critics who were completely right in saying this was a bad comic book, and disregard the constantly plummeting monthly sales, you were actually fairly successful! Some people who wanted to fuck you decided to ignore the shitty writing and awful dialogue and tone deaf rape scenes so that they could laud the series. And fans of whatever Cullen Bunn has written that has apparently been good--I wouldn't know what that was since none of it has been at DC--have also managed to convince themselves that this series was a truly novel horror title. And I think it was loyal Lobo fans who don't have it within themselves to criticize any version of the Main Man who thought maybe this was a parody of James Bond? Plus if I had to choose the best book of all time and it was between Cullen Bunn's Twat Lobo and Ann Nocenti's Katana, you'd win hands down, Twat Lobo! So anyway, what I'm trying to say is you had a successful run if you squint a bit and lie to yourself and manipulate all of the data and ignore reality. Congratulations!

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Saturday, December 26, 2015

Robin, Son of Batman #7

Damian is my hero.

Damian Wayne is my hero because he doesn't suffer bullshit gladly. I understand people of less than or average intelligence are desperate to claim niceness as a quality far more important than intelligence but it drives me nuts. Do we have to lie about so much for the purposes of being nice that we become saddled with dozens of crappy traditions that nobody really wants to take part in?! I just mentioned on Facebook that my favorite Christams tradition is shredding the photos of my friends and family's children two seconds after I've glanced at them. Yes, this statement is hyperbolic. Usually I just throw them in the "to be shredded" basket. But why is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I acknowledge the truth of what I do with pictures I don't really give a shit about? Is there an appropriate amount of time I'm supposed to pretend to cherish them before I destroy them forever?! Or are my friends and family seriously asking me to hang on to these pictures until I die?! They must know that nobody fucking wants this shit cluttering up their lives, right?! I can understand this tradition when things like fucking social media, email, and texting didn't fucking exist. But now I see pictures of your stupid fucking kids every day! Why do I need a hard copy of them?!

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Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

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DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1

Ugh. Look at those nasty greasy fingerprints already smeared all over this thing.

I am not going to do a proper commentary on a 100-page super spectacular. How much free time do you think I have?! Also, I'm fairly certain those disgusting fingerprints were from the jerk at the local comic book store who bagged this thing before I bought it.

Stop pissing in the water and do something to fucking help, Aqualad!

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Thursday, December 24, 2015

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1

Does Wonder Woman have a fanny pack to go with those bicycle shorts?

This is another tiny comic book inside of DK III: The Master Race. It's not as tiny as The Atom comic book so it's not as cute. Also it's bright red and Wonder Woman seems to be threatening me with her lasso so I'm a little bit scared of it. At least this commentary will be (bicycle) short(s).

This tiny comic book is meant to show that Lara Kent is rebellious enough to side with the Kandorians in the up and coming race war. She identifies with her father and his people more than her mother and the mortal Amazons. Plus she's simply a teenager who thinks she knows better than everybody around her. I know teenagers scoff when they're told they don't know as much as they think they know and they should. It's what they all do no matter how unique or intelligent they think they are. Adults simply have to accept it and constantly be exhausted by it because we know, having already lived through it, that eventually they'll look back on how arrogant they were and simply shake their head. Wonder Woman does a decent job of explaining the phenomenon in this comic book but it's still not something that can easily be explained to a person in the throes of teenagedom. It's not that as an adult you suddenly know everything. It's just that as an adult, you eventually reach a place where you don't know everything and so your opinions (that seemed so crystal clear and correct and obvious when you were a teenager) are softened and you allow yourself the capacity to doubt yourself.

No wait. I've completely mucked up the previous paragraph because I know plenty of adults who are complete and utter asshats who think they're the brightest fucking star in the sky. It's not about age at all. It's simply about maturity. Some teenagers ((imagine five thousand "very"s here) few) have the maturity that some adults (way more than it should be) lack. Age doesn't matter. People are arrogant assholes all across the spectrum. Just look at the bright side, teenagers. Your lack of maturity and arrogance is a price you pay for being inexperienced. You have the potential to look at your flaws and change. Most adults who maintain their lack of maturity well into adulthood have seemingly lost this ability, entrenched in old fashioned ideas like dinosaurs sinking in a tar pit of bitterness and anger.

I'm lucky that I actually am as smart and always correct as I think I am!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: It was a free comic book! Just fucking enjoy it. I mean, technically it wasn't free because you had to pay six dollars for the comic book that it was inside of. But just let the illusion of its freeness embrace you and stop being such a stickler! Jesus. Look at me! Asking the internet to stop being such a stickler! Who am I? Sisyphus?!

DK III: The Master Race #2

Merry Christmas!

I didn't mean for that "Merry Christmas" to sound as aggressive as it probably sounded. But I can't help that Christians have made wishing somebody a Merry Christmas a passive-aggressive act. I'm an atheist who grew up in an areligious household and we celebrated Christmas because we loved getting together as a family for whatever reason. Pretty much my entire life, if somebody wished me "Merry Christmas," I'd say it back to them. If they said "Happy Hanukkah," I'd say "Happy Hanukkah" back to them. Repeat the previous sentence structure with "Happy Holidays" or whatever you've got. I never thought to answer a cheerful holiday greeting with "I'm not Christian" or "I'm not Jewish" or "Fuck you, you libtard son of a bitch!" But Christians, in their effort to seem completely persecuted by the American government and its complicit citizenry, have decided that they're being brave and rebellious by saying "Merry Christmas." But what they've actually done is turned the phrase into a "Fuck you" which seems kind of against the spirit of the season. I'm just happy this time of year because the days are beginning to get longer and I fucking look forward to once again seeing some Goddamned sun up here in the Pacific Northwest!

I should probably be at the store and not reading comic books because I'm always ill-prepared for stores closing over the holidays. I usually wind up eating burritos from 7-Eleven because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep actual food in this house!

The issue begins with the current Batman being hauled into a police car while screaming that Bruce Wayne is dead. The current Batman is a young girl who is probably named Carrie Kelley but fuck if I know what transpired in DK2 because I never read it. That probably means it wasn't worth reading, the logic being that I only read things worth reading. Clearly that logic is false not because it's obvious that I can't have the time to read everything worth reading but because I've read things written by Scott Lobdell which proves I also read things that are a complete and utter waste of everybody's time.

In prison, Carrie tells the story of how Bruce Wayne died to Commissioner Glasses.

Bruce spent three years dying from injuries received from the villain of DK2. I think.

As a cynical bastard, I want to say that we all die alone and who the fuck cares, at the end, one way or another? But having been there for my cat Judas during his final moments, kneading bread dough and purring as I scratched his head, I know it matters.

Excuse me while I compose myself.

Meanwhile Ray Palmer and Supergirl have taken on the task of feeding and watering Kandor.

Actually, Kandor is expanding too, dum-dum. Otherwise it would appear to be shrinking.

If time travel were possible and a human traveled back in time, would that human appear as a giant to the other humans of the past? Due to, you know, having expanded with the universe?

Ray Palmer hasn't just taken over the care of the Kandorians, he's also looking to make them bigger. Because what the world needs is a bunch of supermen that weren't raised by human farmers to believe that he wasn't any better than anybody else. What the world needs is a bunch of normal sized Kandorians bitter at having been kept captive for years! What the world needs is a race of beings who think they should be the masters of everybody else simply because they have the power to make it happen! Am I still talking about the Kandorians or did I slip into social criticism?

Anyway, I think we've found the Master Race from the title.

On the way to Blackgate, Carrie whistles up a missile and blows her transport clean open.

The new Batmobile is a tad bit aggressive.

Carrie Kelly escapes in her fat Batmobile while Ray Palmer has made a huge mistake.

Maybe in The Dark Knight Universe, Gob Bluth said "horrible" instead of "huge."

Quar turns The Atom's enlargement ray back on Ray and switches it to "reduce." When The Atom becomes tiny, Quar's son Baal steps on him. I know the sound effect "CRUSH" was made but that probably just means Baal crushed the mechanism which Ray shrunk out of. The Ray is always pulling this kind of shit where he fakes his death by going super small.

Ray Palmer's first mistake was helping a guy named "Baal." Everybody should always assume that they're in a work of fiction where names foreshadow shit. So if some guy named Baal asks you for help, you should probably say "No thank you" before signing your name to that contract he's proffered.

Carrie Kelly heads back to the Batcave where Bruce Wayne waits for her. Oh that cheeky girl! I don't know why they needed everybody to believe Bruce Wayne was dead when everybody already sort of believed it anyway (right?) but the ruse probably won't last for long since Batman and Robin are going to be battling a lot more than one Superman soon.

DK III: The Master Race #2 Rating: No change. This is a Batman comic book that just got to Batman two issues in. I guess that's okay because it's also just as much about the Dark Knight World as the Dark Knight itself. Plus it did have Batman except it was Carrie Kelly Batman which is a fine Batman that I have nothing against! Except now that the real Batman was introduced, I feel cheated that the first issue tried to force me to accept Carrie Kelly as the hero of this story! I think I'm on the side of the Quar and Baal because they didn't lie to me! Sure, they lied to Ray Palmer but that's what he gets for believing in the purity of science for its own sake and disregarding the dangers inherent in playing God!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.


Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Justice League #46

Was there not one female Looney Tunes character that wasn't a knockoff of a male character? Was Tweety female?!

The Justice League have all turned into Gods except for Cyborg because nobody believes in a God of Computers. That's just silly. And Wonder Woman is already a God which is why she didn't get her own special comic book and not because she's a woman at all. I mean, you'd think giving one-shots to all the white males while leaving the black guy and the woman out might be seen by some in an unfavorable light. Although most people might just view it as DC Comics' Regular Policy of not giving a fuck about anybody but white male readers even though they spent all that money screaming at us about how inclusive they're now being because this is the DC YOU, GODDAMMIT! But that's just the cynical way of reading events while purposefully ignoring the facts. Simply put, Wonder Woman is already a god which would make it impossible for her to become another god. And making a God of Computers is practically a paradox if you don't think about it at all and just shut up already.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman Godsplaining things to the reader. "Gods aren't always born! Sometimes they're made! Now I'm going to use a clay analogy because WINK! GET IT?!" She then goes on to tell the tale of Queen Ino who was transformed into a god on the day she committed suicide. This story parallels the Justice League's current situation in that it tells the story of a mortal becoming a god. The point of the story to Wonder Woman?

Technically, there still would have been an Odyssey except it would have been different and probably much shorter. Technically technically, without Homer there would have been no Odyssey.

Forget what Wonder Woman is saying. I think what Geoff Johns is saying is "I'm writing the next fucking Odyssey, bitches!"

The current battle on Earth is taking place between Wonder Woman, Mister Miracle, Cyborg, Steve Trevor, and Power Ring on the good side and Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and that New God assassin with the name that begins with "K" that my brain is selfishly keeping for itself on the bad side. I suppose it will prove to be super exciting minus the bit where Steve Trevor is killed instantly.

Although--let's face it--watching Steve Trevor killed on-panel will be pretty cool.

Kanto (that's his stupid name!) manages to stab Mister Miracle in the side with a magic knife because being the universe's greatest escape artist isn't quite good enough if you're facing the universe's greatest assassin. Although even when Mister Miracle has no hand in it, he manages to escape. This time he gets lucky because Big Barda appears saying, "There you are! Are we finally going to have a New 52 relationship that isn't bullshit Earth-2 garbage that makes no sense and pits us against each other because Dan Didio has issues with positive portrayals of relationships?!" She then precedes to hand Kanto his asshole on a silver platter. That's a cute image, right?

Ah yes! This dialogue is reminiscent of the best lines from the great Greek tragedies!

Whenever a writer uses the "VERB THIS!" one-liner, I always read it as "I am on a deadline and cannot spend time thinking up a clever retort so I will just insert this piece of placeholder writing and come back later to punch it up but I'm really just kidding myself because I'll never have time to fix it and it's going to print like this and I should be fucking embarrassed."

Mister Miracle introduces Steve Trevor to Big Barda as "his wife." Way to make it all about you, prick. She has her own fucking first name! It's "Big"! Try using it next time!

So after Big Barda defeats everybody except Lashina in about two panels (Lashina needs to be conscious to say something totally bitchy, of course), this happens:

Which is followed by this:

Which is basically a pantomime of "Superman just got fucking dumped and Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor are going to be banging the shit out of each other in an alley in about thirty minutes."

I say "Superman just got fucking dumped" as if Superman hasn't already broken up with Wonder Woman because this Justice League continuity is totally different from the other DC Youniverse continuity. And if it simply takes place at some point before the current DC You continuity then maybe it explains the real reasons behind why Superman broke up with Wonder Woman. Because he superhears Wonder Woman coming her brains out thirty-three minutes from now.

Lashina tells Barda that she's going to tell on Barda to Granny Goodness while Darkseid's smoking remains lie in the background. Lashina doesn't say, "I totally get it, Barda! I loved my freedom too when I was a member of the Suicide Squad! Go and be happy with Scot Free! I will envy you every day and probably take your huge barbed dildo since you won't be needing it anymore, right?"

Lashina and Barda exchange harsh words while Cyborg is all, "I think I'll stand on this overturned bus in the background. Does that look cool? I look totally cool now, right?" Kalibak interrupts the threats and posturing by making everybody uncomfortable watching him cry over his father's corpse. He decides that they don't need to fight the Justice League. It's time to go on an odyssey and hunt down the Anti-Monitor!

Meanwhile, Metron is trapped in the Rock of Eternity because some Batdick thought it was his right to simply take one of Metron's most prized possessions. This would be part of my evidence for the trial Batman vs. Justice in which I make the argument that Batman only uses his supposed obsession for justice to selfishly do whatever the fuck he wants and to make loads of money as Bruce Wayne by buying property in poor neighborhoods at a steal and then cleaning up those neighborhoods and gentrifying the shit out of the neighborhood now owned mostly by Wayne Enterprises.

Apparently Superwoman was starving on Earth-3. Wasn't she worried about the health of her Batbaby?

Wonder Woman is thinking about the Crime Syndicate because their world was destroyed by the Anti-Monitor. So it's time to go ask Superwoman some questions.

Oh yes. Breaking into a government facility for justice is always better than trying to point out to bureaucrats how the fate of the world hangs in the balance and maybe Wonder Woman might be allowed a moment with Superwoman and her lasso in this instance. Seriously. I wasn't being sarcastic. Fucking bureaucrats are assholes.

Mister Miracle points out that if the Justice League needs to get in somewhere, he can get them in. Meanwhile Cyborg stands in the background with his shoulders slumped, a small teardrop over his forehead, and exhaling a puffy cloud of breath. I suppose it's better to rely on people who have used BOOM Tube technology their entire lives but I'm sure Cyborg would at least appreciate being acknowledged.

Cyborg, Power Ring, Big Barda, and Mister Miracle go on the mission to speak with Ultraman and Superwoman. Yeah. That makes sense. Leave the person with the polygraph lasso behind when going to get information out of hostile individuals.

Wonder Woman probably chose the away team so that she could be alone with Steve Trevor and that alley.

Whew! I'm glad he didn't have to superhear the banging. But he did superhear Wonder Woman say she doesn't love him. That's probably the seed of why he ended it before she could. Poor baby.

Superman decides his best move is to grab Steve Trevor by the head and threaten him. He really is naive, isn't he? That move just put Wonder Woman firmly in Steve Trevor's pants. I mean camp.

Batman is currently still obsessing over The Joker because what else can he do with a chair that gives him all the knowledge of everything? This totally isn't proof that he's a selfish twat incapable of actually caring about helping the world. It's all about him, isn't it?

The Flash is still racing Death.

Shazam is flying around space.

Green Lantern is headed to Gotham to talk Batman out of becoming BatParallax.

Lex Luthor is plotting.

Grail is recovering the anti-life equation from the Anti-Monitor so that he becomes meaningless to the story. This is my second reason that I just came up with for thinking Darkseid is dead for good. Grail will become the next ruler of Apokolips when this is over! This is the DC You, dammit! It's time a woman was the ultimate evil in the universe! Except that Grail's last words as she cuddles the anti-life equation are "Because death is too good for Darkseid." She's both not very good at being a huge super villain and awesome at it all at the same time! Because this is exactly how the greatest super villains sabotage their own plans! So see? Awesome and not very good at the same time!

Justice League #46 Rating: No change. I almost gave this comic book an increase in rankings and then remembered that Wonder Woman sent the exact wrong team to Belle Reve. She chose the team so poorly that they BOOM Tubed outside of Belle Reve because they have no idea exactly where Ultraman and Superwoman are being kept. Who might? Oh, that's right! Steve Trevor! So the person with the knowledge of where they need to go and the person with the tool to get information out of the people they're trying to find are the two people who didn't go on the mission. She should have picked Cyborg to take them since why is she trusting Barda and Mister Miracle with the fate of the world?! And here's a thought that maybe makes the entire trip to Belle Reve a waste of time: just fucking ask Power Ring's ring, Volthoom! I'm sure Jessica could trick it into revealing something. Or perhaps it would just like to give all the information it has on the Anti-monitor because it has a strong sense of self-preservation, right?! Another point that irked me even though I'm generally enjoying this entire story is that Grail was given the title "Goddess of Anti-Life." That's just stupid in a way that makes me not want to explain how stupid it is because it's so stupid I don't want to think about it anymore plus I'm lazy and it's easier to not come up with a reason. Oh! I'm not at all bitter or jealous that Geoff Johns insinuated he's a modern Homer at all and that nobody has ever called me the Internet Blogger's Answer to Herman Melville.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As King Beauregard says about me: “[Y]ou have interesting things crawling around in your head.” How does he know that?! Now I'm going to feel movement in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot! I probably need to find good quotes about my site from people other than just King Beauregard and Gail Simone! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1

Oh is the Darkseid War still happening?

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1 Rating: Compared to most of the other Darkseid War tie-ins, this one was really good. Like the other one I liked (Green Lantern, I think? It's been so long since I read it!), this story was really driven by the character of Lex Luthor and less by the awesome spectacle of the event transforming the character into a god. I could have done with less Luthor ass and cock though.

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