Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Batman Loves Superman #27

Red Hood is a dandy shooter.

I just ragequit the Origins Magic the Gathering game on the Xbox One because fuck you, Wizards of the Coast. You completely ruined the fucking game with this expansion. When I'm defeated by a deck and you give me the option to replay the deck or play a new opponent, don't you think the new opponent should have a different fucking deck?! Apparently you don't because the artificial intelligence in your expansion only uses about 15% of the new cards. In ever fucking deck it plays against me. It's fucking boring. I guess I'll just never play your stupid nerdy game again and go play something cool. Like Bloodbowl! Seriously, the new Bloodbowl game is pretty fucking terrific. Good job, um, whoever made it! It takes me right back to the days when no female would let me get my unclothed dick near them!

So, Batman Loves Superman, right? It's such a terrible comic book!

This is how you start a proper review! I'm putting my cards right out there on the table for everybody to see. Don't think I'm one of those intellectuals who claim they're reviewing comic books in as unbiased a manner as possible to keep fans informed. No, I'm pretty biased. To be fair, it's experiential bias! I'm not just hating Batman Loves Superman because I see Greg Pak's name on the cover (although that's part of it!). It's just that when you've been kicked in the balls every time you pick up a comic book with Greg Pak's name on the cover, you start to become weary of picking up comic books with Greg Pak's name on the cover! At least most people do. Apparently I have a thing for figuratively getting kicked in the balls.

Since Superman is going through a bullshit phase right now (he goes through them every ten to fifteen years. Usually when the editor on his comic book is the smelliest piece of shit in the dog park) so it's time for a flashback! The flashback is all, "Hey guys! Remember when Superman was heroic! Remember when people loved Superman? Wouldn't you rather be reading that comic book?! Well, here's a brief glimpse of what this comic book could be but isn't because Eddie Berganza is a douchfart." Gordon is having the flashback and narrating it for the imaginary audience he and every other fucking comic book character constantly speak to. They're all weird fucking idiots. The only normal ones are Deadpool and Ambush Bug because at least they're talking to the actual audience! Gordon is just thinking in his head as if he's narrating a biopic about his boring life as a Commissioner of Gotham.

He knew Jimmy Olsen was in trouble because Jimmy Olsen is always in fucking trouble! Also super-hearing, probably.

Batman also makes an appearance in the flashback. Not Commissioner Batman! The real Batman! The one everybody misses! Well, not everybody. Some people are still pouting and writing nasty notes about The New 52 on the insides of bathroom stalls. Some people have prematurely aged into disgruntled old farts who can't stand change because boo-hoo! I miss my fucking characters I grew up with! Why can't everything always remain the same?! Cry babies.

Gordon was having the memory so he could realize that he and Superman don't trust each other. He also wanted to point out that Superman is currently a huge loser.

I hope "threated" means "promised everyone lots of candy."

Don't think I'm going to let the above scan off the hook with a simple slap on the back of the typo! I think we owe it to ourselves to have a good chuckle over Greg Pak's science! Vandal Savage stole an artificial sun to power a Nazi Super Weapon. But he needs uranium to power the sun! Ha ha! Why would a sun need a power source other than the hydrogen and helium burning within it? Uranium is star waste material, not star fuel! Fusion is different than fission! I'm not even a scientist and I know this scenario is stupid!

Unless not being a scientist means that I've completely misunderstood the scenario which means somebody else is stupid.

Yeah, but it's a small star. And it's powered by uranium. Mister...um...Grayson?

Superman happens to continue Gordon's memory because that's how thoughts work. They spread from one person to the other like herpes. Haven't you ever begun to whistle the same song as a person near you without any explanation for how it happened except for maybe because the song was playing on the radio in the car you were both in and it had just got to the part where the singer starts to whistle? Spooky!

Superman is all, "Trust! It's this thing I used to have with Batman! But I don't have it anymore with RoboBatman! And my hair looks awful! Last time I get it cut at Bishop's!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman are all, "We have to trust each...jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Superman's plan was not to attract Vandal Savage's attention because then he'd kill them. But I guess he has a new plan because he and Batman use Vandal's teleporter to attack him on his ship, The Valkyrie.

Friends? What friends? Who said anything about friends?! The only other person I see is Commissioner Batman and they certainly aren't friends! I learned that from the flashback sequences!

Over the next few pages, I count thirteen words that end in -oom! That means a fight is taking place! It's super -oomy!

Apparently the plan was to destroy the Navigation and Engine Rooms on Vandal's ship. I don't know how they knew the teleporter went to a ship or where they got the layout of The Valkyrie to help with their sabotage but it probably had something to do with Batgirl. When Vandal -ooms them one too many times, they escape through the teleporter while leaving a grenade behind to blow it up. I suppose they could have blown up the teleporter in Siberia but then we would have missed out on all of the -ooms.

Vandal arrives to find the miners have killed Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. I guess I'll cancel my subscriptions to Grayson and Red Hood Loves Arsenal on Wednesday. Vandal's men, using technology that they somehow know how to operate even though they're thousands of years old and they probably don't even know which way to put batteries into gadgets, discover Clark and Gordon are hiding in the ice a few miles away. Time to fuel up the sun by shoving uranium into it so that they can fire the Nazi gun and kill Superman and Batman!

The real plan was to trick Vandal into sitting in the Nazi Super Weapon and firing the gun which has been rewired to the engines because that's a funny prank! Vandal goes shooting off into space where he would never harm anybody ever again and probably meet Lobo and fall in love. Except for the one flaw in the plan which everybody thought of but nobody mentioned because they didn't want to jinx it. Vandal Savage, having super strength, breaks out of the hull to escape. Instead of escaping safely though, the ship -ooms him into little bits. Theoretically! Obviously he really just flew off into a snowbank where he'll freeze until he's ready for another story arc. Unless he isn't finished with this story arc? I figure this one has about three more issues since Action Comics and Superman have that many too, right?

He's not dead because he's immortal. And he didn't teleport because Superman blew up the teleporter. He's probably in the Phantom Zone.

Commissioner Batman realizes that everybody is tired of Batman and Superman bickering so he takes off his helmet and introduces himself to Clark. Then he says loudly, "Well, I have to go now! I'm going to drop in on a surprise visit to my daughter in Gotham!" Then Batgirl shits herself because it takes a long time to swing home from Siberia.

Batman does not fight for vengeance! You take that back! That's Midnighter you're thinking of! And also Batman written by shitty writers who really wanted to write Punisher stories.

Batman Loves Superman #27 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't horrible even if I was laughing at how stupid it was! Did I just contradict myself? Oh, who the fuck cares! It was better than some others but still filled with stupid plot elements. And the art was mostly poo.

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