Red Lanterns #9

I can't tell. Is Bleez still sexy even as a decaying zombie Lantern?

Bleez and her rebellion Red Lantern Corps have gone to Sector 876 and the planet Sarff Minor to begin their Cosmic Vengeance Program. She and her Corps destroy a race of beings that have been terrorizing other defenseless races on the planet. Bleez is hoping that Atrocitus will hear of this success and leave Ysmault to confront her. But she doesn't realize that Atrocitus has his own problems.

Last issue, Atrocitus and the loyal Red Lantern Corps were growing sick because the Red Lantern Battery was poisoned. The Red Lanterns blame Rankorr, the new Red Lantern from Earth who got his Master's Degree in English Literature which probably explains why he can speak like a normal person instead of spitting red vomit everywhere. Now it's Rankorr versus half the Red Lantern Corps. But Rankorr has an advantage: he can actually use the Red Power Ring to make constructs from the Red Vomit!

They do now! You're obsolete, Zillius!

Atrocitus appears to stop the fighting before 3 or 4 pages of comic are wasted on useless in-fighting. He claims the Red Lanterns are dead because the Red Battery has been destroyed. Hopefully he just means that metaphorically. You know? The old way of doing things is dead and now they need to learn a new way of surviving. Right?

Dex-Starr with Atrocitus' crotch.

While Atrocitus calls Zilius a fool, Bleez and her Revolutionaries arrive on Ysmault to overthrow Atrocitus because she got tired of waiting for Atrocitus to come to her. I guess when you're full of rage, waiting 30 seconds makes your head explode. Rankorr watches the fight in disbelief. To him, a human, these are all monsters and the fighting is horrendous and gory.

You know something? The Red Lanterns are a fucking mess. But I imagine a comic book title based on the Star Sapphires would be just as bad. Except instead of having every member constantly trying to kill every other member, it would just be panel after panel of hugs and compliments. This whole idea of having Galactic Security Forces that run off one single, specific emotion is just a terrible idea every way you look at it. Even the Green Lantern Corps has always had serious issues with the Power Rings choosing people with great Willpower yet no common sense (G'nort), no humility (John Stewart), no compassion (Guy Gardner), and no intelligence (Hal Jordan). Okay, maybe I got some of those names and faults wrong. I'm no Green Lantern scholar! But I think I made my point. Maybe.

While The Red Lanterns are fighting, the planet itself begins to tear apart. Rankorr seems the only one with his wits about him and tries to get the madness to stop. Because humans are, you know, different and special. Somehow.

I was low balling the time Bleez was off-planet with the 30 second line but it doesn't seem like I was off by much by Bleez's own admittance.

The Red Lanterns stop fighting once Atrocitus shows them the decaying Red Power Battery. They are all doomed a slow death unless they can fix the Power Battery. But they can't do that until they know why Abysmus, the creature that poisoned the battery, was brought back to life and by whom. Atrocitus tells the Red Lanterns that they must abandon Ysmault and search for a cure for the battery. Bleez thinks they should go after the Star Sapphires. Atrocitus is going after Abysmus. And the others, well, I don't know. I guess they'll follow who they follow. But The Red Lanterns seem to have abandoned their plan as Cosmic Punishers. Instead, they have a more personal mission to attend to.

This comic needs more Dex-Starr.

Red Lanterns #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has been all over the place. I guess Red Lanterns don't find it very easy to focus on anything. But this comic has been all prologue to stories that never develop. It's like a kid who just can't pay attention. First Atrocitus wanted to get his team under control so he gave Bleez intelligence. Then he couldn't trust Bleez so he gave more Red Lanterns intelligence. Then he wanted to have the Red Lanterns become bringers of vengeance on those who deserved it. Then Krona disappeared and Abysmus showed up. Then Bleez really was rebelling even though she wasn't before and it was just Atrocitus being paranoid. And then the Power Battery was poisoned and everything, even the rebellion, went out the window. And now, just now in Issue #9, it looks like The Red Lanterns are ready to get moving. It's like they've been packing for a camping trip and everyone is finally in the car and ready to go. Fuck. Finally! Let's see some action, Milligan!

Animal Man #9

Animal Man's covers suck.

Last issue ended with Animal Man killed by crows and other crazy Rot Animals. But it's not that easy to kill somebody that has access to the Life Web. He probably just allowed his essence to drift out of his body and across The Red. He'll figure out how to get a new body later.

Animal Man remembers the time he once dreamed about meeting Grant Morrison. Most of Buddy's life has always been very dream-like and crazy though, so I wonder how often he remembers something and believes that it was a dream? Like now. He's currently floating through the bloodstream of The Red. It's hard to tell exactly what's happening since comic books offer static panels. So he's either coming apart or being put back together. Or he's a tiny creature along with other dead animals floating through The Red which looks like a person coming apart. Or being put back together.

Whatever going on, Animal Man thinks it's weirder than meeting Grant Morrison. I doubt that's true even for someone who wasn't written by Grant.

Buddy's family are headed into Texas in search of The Swamp Thing. Now that Swamp Thing has taken care of The Rot (or at least put it down for the time being), maybe he can help destroy The Rot in The Red as well. And Swampy will probably end up fighting Rotten Buddy Baker.

Meanwhile, in the Bone Orchard, Buddy Baker is discovering that he is, indeed, dead.

What's wrong with being reincarnated as a slug? Don't judge, hater!

I wish Buddy wasn't connected to The Red. I wish he was connected to The Crayola Corporation. Then maybe some of the backgrounds in these panels would be worth looking at. I'm tired of all these red panels with the occasional bone or sinew piled about. Let's see something beautiful! I noticed Travel Foreman isn't doing the art on this issue. I wonder what happened to him? Maybe he had to go draw some really flat, boring backgrounds for the government.

On the road, Maxine wants to enter The Red to look for her dad since she's can't feel him anymore. And Socks the Cat thinks they should keep traveling east to find the Swamp Thing. But Ellen Baker has decided that they aren't going to do anything weird ever again! So I don't know where they think they're going if not to find Alec Holland.

And then The Rot finally makes some fucking sense!

Even in a comic book, a dead raccoon makes me sad.

This is what I've been bitching about in past commentaries of Animal Man and The Swamp Thing! The Rot needs The Red and The Green! They all need each other! Hopefully the things that have been making The Rot seem evil have simply been other beings using The Rot as their method of attacking people like Alec Holland and Buddy Baker. I'd much rather see The Rot as a third elemental form that protects the whole life process like the elementals for The Green and The Red. I don't know that that will happen. But it would be more interesting than playing The Rot off as evil.
But after Rotten Buddy enters The Rot, he meets up with his two other Rotten Brothers. They're big goal is still to take Maxine for their own. Perhaps their intentions shouldn't be categorized as evil though. Maybe they're just seeking to keep a better balance between the three. Perhaps Maxine will make The Red too powerful and The Rot would rather that they be more powerful. Except as I explained in Swamp Thing #9, the balance of power between the three will continually shift due to the relationship between the three! Even if The Red somehow becomes too powerful, it can't sustain itself. The Red feeds off of The Green and The Green feeds off of The Rot and The Rot feeds off of The Red (and The Green but more so The Red). The Red gains power and devours more of The Green. The Green runs low and The Red dies off, giving more power to The Rot. More Rot means more Green which can feed more Red! Cycles, bitches, cycles!

Back to Buddy Baker in The Red, the Shepherd of the Bone Orchard gives him a bit of a history lesson as they travel to see The Totems so that Buddy can get his body back. The creatures like The Shepherd were lesser servants to The Red. Not quite avatars like Buddy and Alec Holland are but more like Buddy Baker himself. When they died, they chose to serve The Red in other ways. But since Buddy needs to continue to help Maxine, he's probably needed more in a living body than serving in The Red, so I imagine he'll get his life back. But the Shepherd also mentions why Maxine is important.

This is making more and more sense all the time! Or it's at least making the kind of sense I wanted it to make!

It looks like the Avatars and the Lesser Servants of The Red, The Rot, and The Green are the metaphors for the three realms fighting for balance. And that means The Rot isn't evil. And I hope The Rot gets a non-evil avatar instead of relying on Sethe or The Rot Queen or William. I'd like one with a comic title of his own to match Swamp Thing and Animal Man. One with an Avatar that is trying to do good and keep the balance. Also, because the balance is a constant struggle, I imagine Alec and Buddy will have a few confrontations of their own.

And then back to the Baker Clan and their travels. And it looks like the thing they didn't know they were looking for that will help them out found them instead. And it goes by the name of John Constantine.

Yay! John Constantine can cure anything! Possible side effects include: death, second hand smoke, evisceration, demon attacks, apocalypses, and being called a wanker.

Animal Man #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I've been wanting to enjoy Animal Man much more than I've actually been enjoying it. I've liked the Baker interactions and Buddy trying to keep his family together. But The Rot has just been bothering me. And I remember the old run in the nineties and just haven't been satisfied with this run. Until now. I'm really glad that Jeff Lemire has begun to portray The Rot a bit differently than the evil, out of control version in The Swamp Thing. Being out of control and needing balance restored is a great way to look at what's going on in The Swamp Thing. But with Sethe and William and The Queen of Rot all being portrayed so evilly, it just hasn't felt right. But Lemire looks like he's addressing this here! I was really happy to read the page where The Rot enters into the dead raccoon. That rang true to what is going on between these three realms battling for balance. And of course all three realms are going to vie for the upper position as long as they can, right? It's instinct! So a storyline that pits Alec against Buddy should be up and coming. And it should be great! It better be! I'm expecting a lot out of Snyder and Lemire.

Green Arrow #9

This is how Green Arrow should always fight! Guns that shoot little green arrows! He didn't fucking name himself Green Bow! So these guns still work for him! And it's so much more believable than running around shooting a bow and arrow at super powered enemies!

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark begin the issue spooning. They're taking a break from the hunt they're on. I kind of forget what they're hunting. Green Arrow says they're taking a break from "a bear hunt" so perhaps they're after the giant polar bear that is supposed to be King Leer's next body. Unless I made that part up in my last commentary. Fuck, why am I such a liar? I can't believe anything I say and these blogs are supposed to help me remember what's going on in each comic month after month. If the Blackhawks ever continue their story, I'm really not going to remember what's going on in their world since I just made up everything that happened in the last issue.

Green Arrow wakes up to the sound of guns cocking. Hee hee. He's got ears like Clarice Starling. He manages to take out the Natives shooting at him by shooting his tiny arrow guns back at them.

Does Green Arrow have a history of using pistols? Because I just pulled out my own gun (Hey! I'm American! I've got tons of them!) and tried holstering it like this. And I shot myself in the fucking testicle.

The Natives were shooting at Green Arrow because they thought he was King Leer. Not because he looks like him but because King Leer's deer were parked outside. And the best way to kill somebody you want dead is to randomly blast holes in the side of a house you suspect they might be inside. The Natives don't like Leer because he's ruining the land and destroying the game. Green Arrow, being green, wants to help restore the Native's land.

Bullshit! You just aimed through the bullet holes in the side of the wall believing the trajectory would lead your arrows straight to the victims! You couldn't know if you were going to kill or injure or just fucking miss with every shot!

After Green Arrow lies to the Natives since he really just got lucky that he didn't kill any of them, he patches up their wounds and gets some information out of them. They lead Oliver to the mine that's ruining the land. Cordelia Skylark is beginning to get sick because she's been separated from her sisters for so long. The Natives think Green Arrow needs to infiltrate the mine and stop the destruction. Yeah, yeah. He'll probably get around to that soon enough.

Back at King Leer's Castle, a program for breeding mutant armor-covered lemmings is busily under way. The dwarf questions if this is a profitable program and King Leer just bleats out some Shakespearean bullshit. He sends Regan Skylark to find Green Arrow and steal him away from Cordelia Skylark.

Won't this just make Goneril Skylark sick from separation while Cordelia gets better the closer Regan gets to her?

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the local town where one guy runs everything. And this one guy is a gigantic asshole.

So when male writers write women in comics, they make them overly sexy cum dumpsters. And when women writers write men in comics, they make them sex obsessed pervert assholes. Seems about right!

Inside the bar are a bunch of other town assholes and a great big scene that I'd have been embarrassed to write. It basically goes like this: Green Arrow enters the frontier town. Locals hate new people. Green Arrow spits for some reason (bad beer? Why is Green Arrow drinking beer anyway? Wouldn't that take him off his aiming game even if just a tad?). Spitting is a reason to hang the new person. Fight ensues. Locals brag about being tough by spouting tall tales. Green Arrow kicks their asses. Green Arrow strikes a deal with them to kick out the miners and get their gold back. Locals now respect Green Arrow because he kicked their asses. They agree to his deal. And why the fuck does Green Arrow want that Polar Bear back?!

That summary doesn't do justice to how horrible that scene I just read was. The locals are terrible caricatures. Green Arrow is drinking alcohol before going back into the snow without protection and to fight people where he'll need all his wits about him. And he's going to now be using dynamite.

Hell no. Believe me, crazy don't make up for cute.

While Green Arrow is at the bar, Regan Skylark enters Cordelia Skylark's room upstairs and injects her with something that instantly paralyzes her. Somehow it makes it so she can't speak but she can still breathe. I'm not sure how that paralytic works. But then, I'm not a doctor! I'm just an asshole! Anyway, Regan shoves Cordelia under the bed so that she'll have to listen to Regan Skylark fuck Ollie's negligible brains out.

And they're apparently fucking on a futon with no mattress while Cordelia has to watch between the slats. Oh, and she also gets to cry because that one lone tear is always the only thing a completely paralyzed person is allowed to do. Something always makes them sad so that one single tear can fall. Pathos!

I'm not sure how getting drunk and spending the afternoon rutting in the hotel fits into the plan, but then I also don't remember why they're trying to get their polar bear back either. So I'll just assume I haven't been paying attention and believe that the steamy sex had to happen. And the drinking!

I should develop a drinking game for reading The New 52. Anybody got any ideas? Then I'll write all of my commentaries while playing the drinking game sitting alone in my office! But if I have to play it on work nights, that could cause a problem when I begin running people over with my floor buffer.
Another meanwhile, Naomi is arriving in town via some kind of air transport. I don't know what kind of transport because the panel is a view from inside the cockpit not because I'm a stupid moron who can't tell the difference between a plane and a helicopter.

The next morning, Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the mines. I guess after the wild sex, Green Arrow fell immediately to sleep while Regan Skylark put Cordelia Skylark back into bed and then headed back to her father. And Cordelia doesn't remember anything about the previous night which Regan warned her would happen. Which just seems weird than that Regan wanted Cordelia to hear them having sex when she wouldn't remember it. Green Arrow follows a route through the mines given to him by Regan although he thought it was Cordelia. And it leads him right into a trap!

Why is he fucking surprised? Ollie, you're an idiot.

Ollie battles King Leer. Green Arrow uses a gun, of course. King Leer just punches the shit out of Ollie's stupid face. If I sound a little bitter, I am! Green Arrow betrayed me! I thought the comic book was getting better but this issue has just sucked Grifter style. Green Arrow never even used a bow! What the hell is that about?

Anyway, Green Arrow is losing the fist fight when the dynamite blows. I guess he had the locals set it up on the top of the mountain while he was busy fucking the Skylark. I guess that was where the fucking came into the plan! He needed to waste some time while the locals set up the dynamite. So the top of the mountain collapses in on the huge cavern that was the mining operation. After the top blows off, Naomi's helicopter is waiting with a ladder to rescue Ollie. Perhaps Naomi met with Ollie while he was drinking in the bar and they planned this escape. Ollie hops on the ladder and offers to rescue Cordelia Skylark except he also breaks up with her at the same time. Since Ollie won't have her, Cordelia chooses to dive into the trap door which her father climbed into and declared that the daughter that loved him most would follow him into it even though it was about to get buried under the mountain rubble. Goneril and Regan said, "Fuck that!" and decided to ski down the side of the mountain to safety. So I guess Cordelia Skylark does love daddy best and he knows it before it's too late! Which makes this story a tragedy because he's a goddamned douche-possum.

Green Arrow finds himself rescued but continues to kick himself for the rash decisions he made because he found himself fucking triplets. He thinks, "I made some mistakes. I think they're going to haunt me." Moral of the story: When you're only on Issue #9 and you've already tried out three different writers, you're going to get fucking cancelled, asshole.

Green Arrow #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. Wow. After all that, I almost typed, "No change." And then I remembered some of the Narration Boxing Green Arrow did on the last two pages. "Didn't the Buddhists say don't get attached to things?" "She tells me there's a new arrow in town." Wait, what? What the fuck did I miss? "But I forgot my bear." What was up with that fucking bear?! If I could only remember, maybe the entire storyline would make sense! Eat it, Green Arrow! I am sick to piss of you. Look? I'm not even making sense I'm so tired of your dumb crap.

Action Comics #9

What is Earth 23 like? I'm excited to find out!

Let me start by saying I think the Little Man might be Mr. Mxyztplk of the New 52. I mentioned it in different non-Action Comics commentary, so I thought I would put it out here while I'm thinking about it. Also, the last story finished the big initial storyline and this one takes place on an alternate Earth, so I probably don't need a recap.

Can't a man hate black Superman for reasons other than his skin color? Like his annoying need to stop criminals? Stop snitchin', bitch!

Superman of Earth 23 handily defeats Lex Luthor on page one. Lex Luthor nearly has a stroke trying to convince Superman that he hates Superman because of everything about him and it's not about his race. Poor, misunderstood Lex Luthor. He doesn't hate Superman because he's black. He hates Superman because he's from Krypton! That's a totally different kind of racism. Get it right!

Superman investigates Lex's lair to see what he was up to and finds a giant cube which serves as a gateway between dimensions. This sounds like another object that is going to completely screw up DC Continuity!

"All right, Mister Morrison! Pull over and show me your writer's license. Do you have Didio's permission to fuck up continuity?"

While investigating the giant cube, some dimensional travelers step out of it.

These are alternate versions of Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and Clark Kent. Well, they were alternate versions of Jimmy and Clark.

Lois and her now burned up freedom fighters are dimension hopping looking for help to stop some great evil from their Earth. Superman 23 believes that he can help them. Or her since the others have fried to a crisp. Or nearly. Clark is still clinging to life.

What happened? How did they come to Earth 23? The three friends developed a machine which could amplify their thoughts and create real objects. The power of their machine was not great enough for these objects to last though. And they wanted to create a Superman to solve all of the world's problems. So they needed funding. They went to Overcorp.

It's Mxyztplk! Is he in every world?

What they created was the ultimate product. The symbol ended up on everything. Everybody wanted to be associated with Superman. Everything became branded with its symbol. So Lois and Clark and Jimmy ran. They used their machine to jump from one reality to another. But the Superman of their Earth pursued them.

Is this why Tiny Titans was cancelled? This Superman destroyed their world?

Before Superman 23 destroys Superman Brand X, Superman 23 gets a call from his assistant about an intense situation in Libya. See, Superman 23 is also the president of the United States. But he can't deal with politics while he's saving the world! So he sends in his Brainiac double to keep peace on the world stage.

He doesn't actually look like that. Although there are probably people like David Icke of Earth 23 who catch glimpses of him like this and report it and they're called crazy and conspiracy theorists. But look! It's real! And only they know the truth!

Superman 23 and Superman Brand X blather and dance until Superman Brand X gets the upper hand and knocks Superman 23 across the room. That's when Luthor steps in with his "I told you so's".

In Swamp Thing #9, I posted a Young Ones pic. And now Lex Luthor uses the phrase, "Fascist Bully Boy," which I learned from The Young Ones.

With Luthor's help, Superman overpowers the Superman Brand. He traps it in-between wavelengths in Luthor's Transmatter Array (the thing it came out of in the first place). The fight is over. But since it's been trapped between wavelengths in some machine that allows people to go from one Earth to another, I imagine this Superman Brand X will wind up on Earth 1 sometime in the future. And Superman 1 won't have any idea what it is or how to defeat it. I imaging that's the main reason this story was told. It's the origin for a future Superman enemy.

The back-up story is a nice story about Superman 23 and his role as America's president. As Superman, he disables Qurac's Firestorm programs while discussing the situation with Qurac's president on his Bluetooth. After the mission is complete and the phone call is ended, Wonder Woman 23 has a few philosophical issues with Superman 23 being president.

For all you racists out there, you can still like Batman on Earth 23. He was white.

Action Comics #9 Rating: No change. I enjoyed both stories in this comic although I may have liked the backup story by Sholly Fisch a little bit more. Both stories dealt with the idea of a great power overstepping its bounds and going from a protector to a fascist. It's what Luthor has always seen in Superman and feared. And it's the question Wonder Woman is pondering at the end of the backup story. What is it about Superman that keeps him from crossing that line? And if he ever does cross it, will he know it? Will he make excuses for his abuse of power? Or will his Justice League friends keep him balanced?

Swamp Thing #9

The Queen of Rot reminds me of Beetlejuice.

This Beetlejuice!

The Queen of Rot does not feed. She keeps putting Swamp Thing right up next to her gigantic teeth but never takes a bite. Swamp Thing wants Abby to listen to him but she says no and all the misshapen beasts say no and Abby's little brother says no but the Queen of Rot still doesn't eat him. She crushes him a bit and smashes him into the ground and continues to beat on him but still she doesn't feed. Why won't she feed?! End it already! Bite off his head and stop listening to him! But she doesn't and finally, the tables are turned!

Take that!

Yes, Swamp Thing gets the upper hand with a second grade playground retort. Here's the Queen of Rot's reaction to being told to wake up:

The Swamp Thing has a powerful way with words! Just like the People's Poet!

"What do you think you're doing, PIG? Do you really give a fig, PIG? And what's your favorite sort of gig, PIG? Barry Manilow? Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?"

The Swamp Thing continues his verbal attack by reminding the Queen of Rot everything that makes Abigail Arcane special. Like canned peaches! But all of this is just showmanship. The Queen of Rot is actually freaking out because Alec put Orchid seeds in the peaches he fed her earlier. And now he's manipulating them through The Green to break down her transformation into the Queen of Rot. It works and the Queen of Rot transforms back into Abigail.

Sethe (remember him?!) decides that he's finally going to have to lift a finger to destroy the Swamp Thing. His minions couldn't get it done. William Arcane couldn't do it. The Queen of Rot couldn't do it. So he finally takes the job on himself like he should have done in the first place because he nearly defeats Alec Holland in just a couple of pages. But then Abby Abigail (now possibly The Black Orchid?!) stands up to defend Alec.

This doesn't remind me of anything. Sorry.

Abigail uses all of the power The Rot has given her over the years to simply take Sethe apart and break him down into dust. And they lived happily ever after.

Except you know they didn't really.

William Arcane is left to weep over the ashes of Sethe. But Sethe isn't completely gone. William can still, just barely, hear his voice. And Sethe gives William a heads up about next month's story.

"Anton Arcane!"

This is another comic book statement I can't abide: "It was all part of the plan!" No, it wasn't. I'm pretty sure the plan was super different and didn't involve Sethe being turned to dust and losing Abigail, the Queen of Rot, to the other side. Now, I'd believe that this was Plan D or Plan E, maybe. "Well, we've always got Anton Arcane if things really fucking go to hell." But I highly doubt the plan was to nearly die so that they'll feel safe and then spring Anton Arcane on them! Ha ha!

Seeing how Sethe nearly killed The Swamp Thing, it seems like a good plan would have been to just kill The Swamp Thing. Simple! Stupid evil is always so stupid.

Let's check the Who's Who to see what may be in store with the return of Anton Arcane.

Anton is the human in the first two panels and, I think, all three in the last panel.

Anton Arcane was a regular mortal who served in World War I. He became obsessed with becoming immortal when he encountered the Swamp Thing as the Swamp Thing was time traveling. The ridiculousness just gets better though! He served in the trenches of World War I with Hitler! But Hitler didn't like him because Anton was more ambitious than he was. So Anton eventually became immortal. But then he died because he wasn't invulnerable against falling out of windows. But then Hell couldn't hold him so he came back. But then he died again. But then he became a demon. But then he came back again. And then he died again. And now I think he's coming back again! Unless all of this shit is irrelevant because this is the New 52!

Swamp Thing #9 Rating: No change. I'm actually sort of relieved that this initial Rot storyline is over. The art and layout were not appealing and, at times, just plain confusing. And I don't really like the idea of The Rot being set up as the evil while The Red and The Green are somehow good. They're all just parts of the life cycle and work together. I guess the moral is that none of them should be any stronger than the other and they're constantly battling for balance. So when The Red becomes too powerful, you have large number of animals taking over a space. This will tend to drop the amount of plant life and then starvation and disease will set in (The Rot). With the dying off of creatures from The Red, The Green will become more powerful thanks to the nutrients provided by The Rot and balance will once again be restored! The constant struggle between them seems like a good story idea. I simply don't like the characterization of The Rot as evil. Plus, this story is probably a much better read in a collected format.

Detective Comics #9

Hopefully this comic takes place after the action in Batman #8!

Or maybe it won't matter! Hopefully it's just an issue with the inmates of Arkham versus the Talons!

This issue is narrated by Doctor Arkham (I forget which Arkham is the modern one. Jeremiah? That doesn't sound very modern. Mackenzie Arkham?). The first statement he makes is that Arkham Asylum is the safest place in the world. Sure it is! Because the loonies and madmen are constantly getting out of it! Arkham feels secure inside the Asylum even though his name turned up on the Court of Owls' hit list. Cash, Arkham's chief of security, isn't so sure. I hope this guy Cash goes toe to toe with the Talons and protects Arkham. It would be interesting to see a non-super hero person who has a job in security actually do his job well even against the craziest ninja undead foes.

While Jeremiah Arkham is checking in on The Black Mask (The Black Mask sort of derived his powers by being bitten by a rabid raccoon! That's almost a radioactive raccoon! His False Face Society of Gotham had a really terrible motto: "Know that he mask destroys one identity while creating another of deeper drives and greater power." Lame! This information brought to you by Who's Who, the 1990 edition), the power goes out. The Talons have arrived!

That was the worst Talon of them all! Taken down by a Doctor!

But just as the Talons think they've got Jeremiah, Batman swings in from somewhere while a bunch of his freeze grenades go off at the same time, slowing down the undead Talons but only causing a slight discomfort to Doc Arkham.

The Night of the Talons clock says 8:51 PM. I think Alfred's message to the Bat Family went out at 7:40 PM. That means it took Batman about an hour to defeat the Talons in the Batcave while wearing his Batman Suit of Armor. Will that story be told somewhere else? Probably. But now I'll know that Batman survives and it won't have any tension!

Batman stalls the Talons and tells Arkham to run to one of his various secret hidey holes. Cash, the security guard, protects Arkham long enough for Arkham to get away. But he doesn't do as great a job as I'd have liked him to.

I guess that's all guards at Arkham are known for: taking a punch.

Arkham decides that his only hope is The Black Mask! With all of the crazies to choose from, I don't know why he's choosing a guy I know nothing about! I mean, I knew nothing about until a few minutes ago when I read his Who's Who entry.

Akrham gives The Black Mask his Black Mask so that he can become his alter ego. I don't know if that now comes with super powers or not. In the 1990 Who's Who, he really just seemed to wield a machine gun and a high charisma. Arkham (or somebody on the ward) also opens all of the cells. Arkham has another riot on its hands! But this one might be for a good cause.

Clayface emerges from the cell behind Batman and saves Batman's life. I was once in a brawl similar to this! I was at a bar in Santa Clara with a few friends. This bar was the first place I'd ever seen a whole dance floor of people doing the Macarena. We walked into the club and I saw everyone on the dance floor doing the exact same moves and I thought, "How the hell are they doing that?!" Anyway, this one time, my friend Paul noticed an ex-girlfriend of his was there with another guy. He was pissed and kept staring at them. The other guy didn't like Paul staring at them so an altercation ensued. This other guy had friends as well and when they stepped in to outnumber Paul, I stepped in to pull them off. Paul and the other guy went down and I tried to pull Paul back up. As I turned around while standing, one of the guy's friends was hauling back his fist to crack me in the face. Just then, Jimmy Arthur stepped out of the crowd and grabbed the guy's arm and pulled him back. Saved by the giant brute Jimmy Arthur! Now, Jimmy Arthur was the guy who I'd hit with my skateboard a few months before that. That story is here So this scene in Detective Comics is just like that moment in my life!

Batman, of course, represents me!

Batman seals everyone into the cell block so they can be sorted out by the GCPD later. He heads off to find Arkham but finds The Black Mask instead. And I guess the Black Mask's high charisma means he has the power of suggestion.

Dude! Batman! That might not have killed him but he's just a normal guy! Batman just gave him a partial lobotomy!

Batman gets to Arkham and hauls his butt out of the Asylum. It's 9:49 PM as Batman is leaving and he plans on dropping Arkham off with Dick Grayson on his way to find Lincoln March and the Birds of Prey (Birds of Prey #9 & Batman #9!). So now I know Batman survives his fight in the Batcave though I haven't seen how that fight turns out (maybe I never will!) and now I know Nightwing survives his battle with William Cobb Talon! Sheesh, DC! You can't even do crossovers without spoiling every single issue!

That's the end of the regularly scheduled feature. The backup story is about Two Face (ONE FACE!).
Oh yeah! Isn't this the second part of the previous backup story? I better look at last month's commentary to refresh my memory! Okay. Dent is supposed to meet with some other lawyer that's been a pain in his ass. They meet. The pain in the ass wants to work with Harvey. Harvey agrees. Harvey goes to find the guy blackmailing the pain in the ass. The word ugly gets thrown around a lot. Five times across two pages, I think. And then a bunch of people die and Harvey is captured by some samurais. I guess I have to read a third part to this story I don't care about but am paying an extra dollar for. What a stupid sucker I am!

Detective Comics #9 Rating: No change. I think this comic would have been worth a +1 if it were still $2.99. And then only because I have it rated so low, it doesn't have to be spectacular to move up the charts. But it costs $3.99 so fuck you, Tony Daniel and DC Comics!

Batman: The Dark Knight #8

I asked in another commentary why Batman has so many Wonderland foes. And now we get to see them all together! Maybe Finch and Harris will "make up" some new ones. I put make up in quotes because I really meant steal or plagiarize or borrow without asking.

This is my last issue of the New 52 until I'm technically caught up. Technically because it's currently May 31st and the only comics left in the stack came out in this May! Technically because that means I still have 50 regular issues and 2 Annuals left to read (I'm actually caught up on Batwing and Justice League International. This probably means I'll rush through the commentary on this one. Except it's about Wonderland, one of my favorite places, so maybe that won't happen.

First off, the cover gives credit to David Finch and Richard Friend. But that's all they did was the cover. The interior pencils are by Ed Benes and the inks by Rob Hunter and Jack Purcell. Just one of many editorial fuck ups on DC's part.

Commissioner Gordon calls Batman to take a look at a crime scene before the regular police get their hands on it. It's in the subway and dozens of corpses litter the platform and the train. And they all apparently killed each other and/or themselves.

Gordon continues to be hassled by Forbes, the idiot in Internal Affairs. Forbes has gone to the mayor and requested that Gordon undergo a psychological evaluation and Mayor Hady agreed. Gordon is a little bit pissed about it.

So the two parts of the story are tying together neatly with the title of this issue, "The Madness."
The Gotham subway is full of old closed-off tunnels which Batman has decided to investigate. The first foes he encounters are Tweddle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum prepare to have a battle.

Batman has entered Wonderland and they're all mad down there. Although, technically, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum roam the lands behind the looking glass. The Tweedles are acting loonier than usual so Batman decides they're under some for of mind control just like the passengers of the subway. Alfred, who is in radio contact with Batman, fears what this might mean for the rest of Gotham. And no sooner does he voice his fear, then he sees evidence on television that other people are being affected by the Madness.

Wouldn't Batman be investigating the subway much later than a press conference would be scheduled? This timing seems fishy and contrived!

And across Gotham, Gordon has already been scheduled to visit the shrink. Now that's really really convenient! Really!

Batman chases Dum and Dee back to their headquarters where he encounters the next Wonderland resident.

Who else when Mind Control and Wonderland are involved? And the cover highlights his participation.

The Mad Hatter has the Tweedle boys positioning a radio transmission dish over Gotham. The Hatter is spreading his madness and Batman, well, Batman stops it. With a little help from Gordon who arrives in a helicopter in time to distract the Mad Hatter. Yeah, he does it that easily. Just, you know, stops the Mad Hatter.

And that's the whole story! A story just to showcase more Wonderland villains because the White Rabbit has been running around Gotham for the last 8 issues. It also, sort of, compares Gotham to Wonderland. Are the people of Gotham prone to violence, crime, and madness simply because they live in Gotham? Were the residents of Wonderland mad because of the influence of Wonderland? Or is the madness already there in the heads and hearts of the people, just waiting for something like The Mad Hatter to tip them past the breaking point.

Who cares? The Mad Hatter is a big jerk that caused a bunch of people to kill themselves and then Batman knocked him off of a building. Batman seems awfully careless with the lives of villains in these Dark Knight stories. Is that why they're Dark Knight stories? Is he supposed to be a bit more ruthless in these than in the others? This story was also just filler until the Night of Owls story in Issue #9.

Batman: The Dark Knight #8 Rating: No change. So this is the comic where the creators pull an emotion or a state of being out of a hat and then write a story based on that?

"Fear!" "Oh! Oh! I can fill seven fucking issues on that! Easy!
"Madness!" "Oh! Wonderland characters! One issue story!
"Impotence!" Yes! More White Rabbit cameos! Four issues!