Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #7

Oh, hello figment of Olive's imagination aka I was right from the beginning.

The Review!
Olive learns that her roommate isn't Amy the Roommate at all. She's a ghost named Amity Arkham, one of Olive's distant relatives. Or, according to Batman (and me, really!), Amity Arkham is just a delusion. It's weird that Olive's mental illness manifests in the exact same way her mother's did. Batman might be the World's Greatest Detective but he isn't really the most caring or sympathetic man when it comes to the mentally ill. Apparently the AA symbol all over the school stands for Amity Arkham instead of Wayne Manor (that makes sense if you saw the symbol. It also could be a W and an M! In fact, it looks a lot more like a W and an M.

Anyway, Pomeline discovers her ancestor was best friends with Amity who was Olive's great to the nth degree grandmother. It seems a bunch of people ruined Amity's life and Amity is still angry about it. So she begun a career in possessing her descendants and giving them the power to burn Gotham to the ground. But that stupid Batman keeps stopping that from happening! And before Batman, I bet the Court of Owls stopped it from happening. Or maybe Jonah Hex. Or Booster Gold. Possibly even a Cobblepot or two.

I don't think anything else pertinent to future issues took place. Oh, the Scottish teacher has been secretly meeting with Batman to fuck in the barn and gossip about Olive. Also a few of the kids said "Oh my crap!" in that way they usually do. Plus Colton found a ton of treasure so he'll probably stop stealing everything now that he's rich. Oh, and most importantly of all, Pomeline did not get naked.

The Ranking!
No change!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Lost Boys #6

Fuck The Lost Boys. I want a Young Guns comic!

The Review!
The vampires dies, the heroes go on with their lives, and there's the scene at the end that assures the readership that it isn't over yet. And also that Keifer Sutherland's character will continue to be the star baddie. The end!

The Ranking!
-3! I really thought I would be interested in this series. Not because it was The Lost Boys but because Tim Seeley was writing it. But I guess even Tim Seeley couldn't get me interested in this franchise. I only liked The Lost Boys for that short time that I thought the movie took place in Santa Clara, my home town. I wanted to live in the murder capital of the world too!

Super sonS #2

How come sidekicks aren't constantly getting hauled in by local police for crimes like loitering and being young in public?

This issue has a prologue just like the first issue. And just like the first issue, it's about that kid who's a big jerk and lives in a movie studio. This prologue reveals he can become three jerks at once. He does that so he can murder his mother, father, and brother all at the same time. Too bad he couldn't become four jerks because his little sister makes a run for it while he makes sure the readers know his superhero name is Kid Amazo. Not that he's actually a hero. Most of them don't murder their family. They wait for the family to be murdered and then they become a superhero. I think if you do it the other way around like Kid Amazo, you're most likely a super villain.

Speaking of getting hauled in by the local police for youthful indiscretions, Damian and Jon have just been caught trespassing on the side of LexCorp's building by Lex Luthor. Being that he's still confused by The New 52 and Rebirth and Infinite Crisis and Zero Hour and all the rest of DC's universes that have come crashing down into the brains of every DC character in an effort to satisfy every fan except the most obsessed and virginal, Lex Luthor doesn't recognize Superboy or Robin.

Damian drops Superboy off the side of the building so that he can escape. He winds up on the roof and breaks into LexCorps to explore an unmarked level in the schematics he memorized. On the ground, Superboy kicks Luthor in the face and gets away. The only reason Luthor is having trouble battling a child is because he's supposed to be a good guy now. Normally, he would just shoot the kid in the pancreas and rifle through the kid's velcro wallet.

No wait. He catches him. How could I have ever doubted the world's smartest man?

I bet the world's smartest woman is Doctor Veritas the Omniologist. I know I shouldn't acknowledge her existence since she was created by Scott Lobdell but I can't help it. I'm compelled to remember the stupidest things ever written in comic books.

It looks like it won't be long before Jon isn't allowed to play with Damian anymore.

Damian and Jon get away while Lex tries to disarm a bunch of fake bombs Damian set up as distractions. I guess Lex Luthor isn't the smartest guy on Earth! He's not even the smartest adult in the room. It takes some doing to not be the smartest person in the room when you're the only person in it. But I've been there. Sometimes I sit in my office after typing a comment about how I'm going to suck Tom King's dick to thank him for The Omega Men and then Mark Russell walks in on us and is hurt that I'm not sucking his dick for Prez and I think, "I'm not the smartest guy in this room, am I?" I should hang my college degree on the wall so I can at least feel smart due to paying loads of money to read books for four years without somebody yelling at me to get a job.

Damian's plan was to steal Lex's security footage so he could get a glimpse of the person who broke into LexCorps a few nights ago. It's Kid Amazo! That probably shouldn't have sounded like such an exciting revelation. What did you think all those prologues were doing at the beginning of these comics? Obviously it was going to tie in to Damian and Jon's story!

When is Damian going to invite Superboy to join the Teen Titans? Is he too young to get a hand job from Starfire?

Using some of Superboy's skills and some of Damian's skills, they determine the kid who broke into LexCorps was fourteen year old Reggie Meyer from Providence. The kid still has his powers from The New 52 Amazo Virus. That's why he can split into multiple versions of himself. I guess that means it's time to track him down.

Clark and Lois totally know Jon is missing by now, right? They're farm parents! They have to look in on their kid sleeping four or five times a night to smile lovingly and sigh.

Oh come on! Starfire is at least 34! At least she's as horny as a 34 year old.

Robin and Superboy find Kid Amazo's dead family. Superboy thinks they should call their parents but Robin is all, "No way! Fuck him! Did you hear what I just said? I said fuck! Nobody can stop me from swearing!" But Superboy doesn't listen. He leaves the scene of the crime and runs into Kid Amazo's kid sister in the woods nearby. He promises to help her while Robin continues to look for clues. Meanwhile, Batman and Superman have stopped by to say "-TT-" and "Your mother is worried!", respectively. Did I use respectively correctly? It's not like anybody would have been confused about who said what anyway.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm really upset for Superboy that Robin didn't invite him to the Teen Titans simply because he's not a teen. There's no way Starfire is a teen. Unless the planet Tamaran has a much longer orbit than Earth. I suppose she could be fifteen by Tamaranean reckoning even if she's definitely no less then 34 in Earth years. I'm also surprised nobody has killed an animal yet. Maybe Patrick Gleason is the one who has a boner for murdering animals. Hopefully Batcow won't be forgotten. Maybe she'll eventually go to live on the Kent's farm! I know they were the Smiths. But I figure since the Blue and Red Electric Superman and Lois Lane have merged, and Mr. Mxyzptlk has fixed Superman's identity problem, they'll go back to being Kents.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Justice League of America #2

Vixen isn't struggling to get away from the chains so much as to get away from Lobo's boner.

Batman surrendered himself to Lord Havok at the end of last issue to save The Atom. I'm not sure what Batman's thought process was behind this decision. It's not like Lord Havok is going to go, "Oh! Cool! Hey, Extremists! Now that we have Batman, let's go back to our destroyed world. This totally worked out better than I expected!" I know what Batman's thought process definitely wasn't: "This will buy time until the real Justice League gets here!"

Am I the only one who wants to Photoshop Lord Havok's cock in Ryan's hands?

I had to put the comic book down to eat a bunch of pineapple chunks so to pass the time, I Googled pineapple on pizza memes. I don't care if people like pineapple on pizzas or if people don't like pineapple on pizzas. What I really hate is people acting righteously indignant while defending their personal preference. What is it about this battle that gets people so passionate? If somebody wants pineapple on their pizza, why should you give a fuck? Were you planning to try to mooch some slices, you dirtbag? I, for one, don't understand why anybody would put any kind of limit on what can go on a pizza. Stop trying to put limits on living, you fascists!

Okay! I'm done eating my pineapple and I'm hardly sticky at all!

Lord Havok agrees to let the Justice League of America live (not that Lobo was going to have any problem doing that no matter what happened) when Batman agrees to join The Extremists to help them save the world. But then an Extremist named Dr. Diehard flips the fuck out on Lord Havok. He's all, "Letting people live isn't extreme at all! This team sucks!" I bet Lord Havok teaches Dr. Diehard a little something about extreme measures (and also how apt Dr. Diehard's name is) on the next page! It would make sense to kill him since there are way too many characters to keep track of. Not that killing one will help clear up the panels much but at least it's a start. Also, Batman will have to rescind his offer to join when he realizes they kill.

I was wrong. This happened on the page after the next page. I wonder if anybody is going to make a joke about Dr. Diehard's name?

Based on the above panel, I think Lobo is ready to join The Extremists.

Are The Extremists supposed to be based on Marvel characters? Is Dr. Diehard Magneto? Is Lord Havok Dr. Doom? Is Gorgon Doctor Octopus?

After Diehard dies, The Extremists teleport to Kravikoras, the capital of Kravia. That's another one of those fake DC countries like Markovia and Qurac. It's where Lord Havok was born (but on his own Earth, of course -- Unneeded Clarification Tess!) and it's where Lord Havok intends to begin saving the world. I suppose saving the world means killing anybody who doesn't say, "Yes sir, Lord Havok, sir! Right away, sir!" Although he might as well just quit now that he let Batman know of his existence and then left Batman alive. That's always the big mistake the Villain of the Month makes. It's always "I'll would kill you but right now I need to wash my hair!" Just kill the hero, dum-dum! If villains would correct that one mistake and just kill the heroes when they have them up against the ropes in the first arc of every fucking story, the villains would be ruling the world right now! Never give the heroes a second act!

The women of the JLA stay behind in Saratoga to help clean up while the men go back to The Sanctuary to relax. I don't mean to suggest that The Ray is a woman because he's gay. I really just wanted to gloss over the fact that he stayed in Saratoga too so that I could advance my agenda to show that Steve Orlando is totally sexist. Maybe I can pretend Steve Orlando is suggesting that The Ray is a girl! Then I can advance my agenda to prove that Steve Orlando is homophobic too! There's nothing more satisfying than tearing down an ally with hot takes purposefully misconstruing a situation!

The Ray tracks The Extremists to Kravia so that they can continue their fight. At least this time, they won't be destroying an American city! Although, is it really okay for a team called Justice League of America to invade another country without proper visas and passports? They might be trying to save the world but is that enough reason to bypass bureaucracy?

That sounds like Guardian of the Universe talk!

That's Death Bat in the previous panel, by the way. Before the JLA can kick her ass, she's rescued by the Kravian military. Apparently they've arrived to shove that bureaucracy I mentioned down Batman's throat. The Extremists are now citizens of Kravia and under its protection. The JLA are kicked out of the country but at least they saved a bunch of refugees who refused to succumb to Lord Havok's rule. Now Lord Havok has his own country to rule where he sees himself as the only real hero of Earth. He's feeling more and more like Doctor Doom every page.

The neighboring country of Gardevia (See? It's like a garden! It's peaceful and powerless and weak!) don't want Batman's band of refugees. They've already heard about Lord Havok taking over the rule of Kravia and how he brought peace. It might be peace through authoritarian power and murder but it's still peace, right?! So they don't want any part of Batman's violent plans. But the Justice League of America just ignore the general and get busy making their own plans to help the people of Kravia win back their country.

Batman still doesn't call Superman.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is already the best comic book DC Comics sells. Although that's only because Real Deal Lobo is part of it. And he wasn't really in this issue too much. And the art wasn't too good either. I hate to point out that a comic book with Lobo in it isn't living up to Lobo's reputation so I won't say anything more.

Batman #19

Two-Face flipped his coin and discovered he had to use a water pistol from now on.

Batman has to keep Bane away from Arkham Asylum for five days while Alfred watches over Gotham Girl's treatments from Psycho Pirate. So why does Batman lead Bane straight to Arkham after their fight last issue? Probably because Batman guessed Bane would go there even if Batman didn't go there first. That Batman is a pretty smart cookie! And delicious, too!

For some reason, the inmates are wandering free in Arkham so Bane has to listen to each one rant as he stomps by. First up is Maxie Zeus who quotes Dante for some reason. Unless it's Milton. Or Shakespeare. What the fuck do I know? It could be Dr. Seuss for all my literature degree is worth!

Oh! I just figured out why he's quoting Through The Inferno and What Dante Saw There! It's because he's quoting that shit that's on the gates of Hell. I mean, I knew that's what he was quoting. What am I, not a literature major who took a few too many mushrooms during his college years? As if! I just realized I could answer the "for some reason" part. When I wrote that sentence, I was just breezing through the review so I could play some Overwatch. But then I stopped myself and I said, "Myself? Why are you even bothering writing about this comic book if you're not going to take the job seriously? People on the Internet who didn't want to spend $2.99 on a Batman comic book want to read a fairly clear and concise summation of this story (probably so they can pretend they read it and then regurgitate all of the clever things I say about it to their stupid friends who should be fucking reading my blog as well. They wouldn't be such suckers if they were!). So that's when I was all, "Oh! Bane is metaphorically entering Hell! How clever of you, Tom King!" That last bit about Tom King should be read sarcastically while making a mental note to not hit on Tom King when you next see him at a convention (unless he does something better than this trite Dante bullshit later in the issue).

Batman and Bane enter Arkham at precisely 12:00 AM so that this story can be called "Day Four" even though it takes place right after the fight between Batman and Bane during "Day Three." See how clever Tom King is? You can read that sarcastically if you want. I'm not really sure if it was sarcastic or serious. It's hard to keep track of what you really think when you're as facetious as I am about everything in life. What do I really like? What do I really hate? I have no clue anymore.

The next inmate Bane runs into is Two-Face. At least he doesn't begin the conversation with, "Call me One-Face!" Ha ha! That was terrible! Was it David Finch who wrote that line? What an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, I noticed Cullen Bunn's stupid name on the next issue of Trinity. It looks like I'll be dropping that piece of shit soon! I hope he at least has an editor who is willing to tell him when he is writing Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman incorrectly. Because that no-spine Brian Cunningham certainly didn't have the cojones to point out that Cullen Bunn obviously didn't understand the character of Aquaman (like the simplest character to understand! He swims and speaks with fish and is boring). In fact, Cunningham backed Bunn on the idiotic decision to make Aquaman a space traveler with every super power he could think of! And nobody on that book seemed to mind that Aquaman's new costume made him look like he was constantly running around with an erection. On the plus side, I did guiltily masturbate quite a bit to that comic book! Usually I like to look at or think about naked women when I masturbate. But Aquaman's penis was so stiff and throbbing that it totally got me sexually excited thinking, "That's probably going to go into Mera's vagina and/or butthole!" I may have also thought it would go into a dolphin's blowhole. Never mind if that got me excited too.

No no no! That's not how Two-Face makes decisions at all! Somebody give him a fucking quarter!

Bane simply punches Two-Face twice: once in the gut and once in the face and once in the floor. No wait. He hits him twice: once in the face and once in the floor. No wait! The fight lasts three hits! Bane hits Two-Face in the gut then he hits Two-Face in the face then Two-Face hits the floor! There it is!

Next Bane encounters Solomon Grundy and Amygdala. Why is Solomon Grundy in Arkham? Doesn't SHADE have a monster prison? I think he'd be better off in Belle Reve.

I just realized Batman let out all of the inmates and Bane just kicked the door down when he entered Arkham. I don't think Bane has been shutting and locking doors behind him as he goes. I think Batman's going to have another Knightfall on his hands when this ends. Except it'll be backwards where he gets his back broken by Bane first and then has to hunt down the rest of the inmates.

Whenever Bane meets a new inmate, they're all, "I am a thing!" Then Bane responds, "I am a thing!" I'm beginning to think somebody broke Tom King and he can only write first person declarative sentences now. That's why all of his Batman stories have begun that way. I am Gotham. I am Suicide. I am Fucking A Cat On A Roof. I am Bane. See?

Once Bane gets through that door, Scarecrow, I think the word you'll be thinking of is agraphobia.

Scarecrow sprays Bane in the face with his fear spray (almost certainly made out of urine and toilet water). Bane manages to strain his way through the fear to declare, "I don't have nightmares! I give nightmares!" Well, we know if Tom King ever stops writing comic books, he can make some money punching up B-grade action movies.

Meanwhile, Alfred is ranting and raving in much the same way I've been doing here. He's beside himself when he discovers Batman let the other inmates out and even armed them. Batman's all, "I didn't have a choice!" And Alfred is all, "Call the fucking Justice League!" Right?! That's what I said last issue! He's totally wasting Superman's time and talents asking him to babysit the Robins. Batman should have asked Superman to sit on Bane!

Bane has to work through nearly twenty-four hours worth of inmates or else he'll get to the final confrontation with Batman too early. Next issue can't happen until we get back to midnight! So after Scarecrow, Bane battles his way past Mr. Freeze, Firefly, Black Spider, Flamingo, Man-bat, Zsasz, Mad Hatter, Dr. Phosphorous, Hush, Copperhead, and Calendar Man. I'm surprised he didn't have to fight through the Ten-Eyed Man and Kiteman as well.

Oh! I get it! He's doing the Reverse Knightfall! Bane will be exhausted from battling all of the Arkham inmates so that Batman can easily break Bane's back (again)! Or maybe Gotham Girl will be cured when Bane finally gets there and she can break Bane's back (at the cost of a few weeks from the end of her life, of course!).

Bane finally comes to the door that's been waiting to imprison The Joker behind it. It currently holds Alfred, Batman, Gotham Girl, and Psycho Pirate. But it has a lock! Instead of smashing it the Bane way, he fetches The Riddler to figure it out for him. Riddler disengages the lock just in time for an 11:59 PM David Finchian double splash page of Batman facing off against Bane. The final fight is nigh! Dante said that too, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the first page of the next issue is Batman knocking Bane out in one punch. Then King can spend the final nineteen pages on fixing Gotham Girl who will probably be excited to go shopping for some new clothes which she'll have to try on which means she'll have to take off the clothes she's currently wearing! I may dislike most of David Finch's art but I know he loves to find any reason at all to draw a nearly naked woman! And his women all look like girls so even if Gotham Girl is a bit too young to be ogling in her underwear, how am I supposed to know? David Finch draws all adult women as if they were fifteen years old! The guy has issues!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Mother Panic #5

I know wild rats are vermin that often carry disease on their beshitted fur but they're so fucking adorable I want to hug them!

I had a rat in high school and a gerbil in college (the answer to your inappropriate question is no). If it weren't for how lazy I am, I'd currently have either a couple of rats or a couple of gerbils. But you really have to make a daily effort to keep their cages clean so your house doesn't smell constantly of rodent piss. Gerbils aren't as bad as rats but it's still more work than I'm willing to do. Plus my cat Pelafina is a mouser so I'm fairly confident I already know how my rodent friend would eventually die: listening to me yell "Pelafina!" and sort of giggling at the same time because it would be cute the way my cat was mauling the rodent, and I don't think anybody deserves to be laughed at as they're being ripped to shreds.

I hope Shawn Crystal is the new permanent artist on this book because I'm in love with the art now. It definitely brings the mood down from pretentious art story about a girl whose father let his friends rape her so she had to murder him which caused her to be imprisoned in a boarding school run by sadistic nuns who experimented on her and turned her into a whacked out superhero who sees strange visions when she brawls. It feels much more lighthearted now!

You know what I haven't done in awhile? I haven't proven my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader credentials! Let's get that out of the way immediately.

Remember what I suggested this guy's name should be last issue? The Plastic Pauper! Say it together now: Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Okay, now that I've covered the most important part of this blog (stroking my ego), I can get to the boring bits (plot, characterization, Mother Panic's superb ass (I didn't scan the picture of it last issue but it's better than Nightwing's)).

Somehow Jody Houser forgot to use the term "uncanny valley" when describing The Plastic Pauper last issue. That's a shame since Ann Nocenti used it as often as she could in every incorrect manner possible. See, Gather House did so much plastic surgery on The Plastic Pauper that they made him looks so beautiful he looks fake and nobody can stare directly at him. So maybe this is less like the uncanny valley and more like the valley past the lake and over the mountains where nobody visits because it's unheimlich unheimlich. Jody didn't use unheimlich last issue either so I thought I'd use it here.

Violet's mom has made some new rat friends. They come by to chat with her and share their food. But Violet doesn't know about them yet. She just thinks her mother is talking to the roses which is just crazy. If she knew her mother was talking to rats, she'd be less concerned because that's totally normal behavior.

I'd like to get my bats in that belfry.

I'm trying out a bunch of new phrases that mean "I want to do it!" "I'd like to blow bubbles in that milk!" "I'd like to carpet bomb that Dresden!" "I'm going to clog that toilet!" "I'm going to punch that Nazi so hard!" "I'd love to play Global Thermonuclear War with that WOPR!"

After going out on the town to remind everybody that Violet Paige totally isn't Mother Panic, just in case anybody was wondering, Violet goes out with The Plastic Pauper the next night to take out their next target, Ashley Layton. He's just another on the list of people who ruined their childhoods. I might need a new name for The Plastic Pauper because he keeps spouting Alice in Wonderland shit. What is with super villains in Gotham being obsessed with Wonderland? Is Gotham a metaphor for Wonderland that I've totally missed all of these years and have never seen any evidence for at all? I mean aside from all those villains. Maybe the Gotham Public Library only had three books: Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, and The Autobiography of Bruce Wayne: Totally Not the Batman.

The Plastic Pauper wants to snipe the fuck out of Layton's child. But Mother Panic is all, "Whoa! I think you got the wrong idea about me and my ass, buddy! I'm trying not to get my jaw broken by Batman here. If you hadn't heard, Batwoman and I are practically finger-bang buddies. Killing a helpless child will probably get my fingers 69'd from that sweet vagina. 69'd? Oh! 86'd!"

Oh! The Plastic Pauper isn't just obsessed with Alice. He's into all the fables and children's stories too. So maybe I can call him the Pretty Pederast?

Back home, Violet's mom takes some cake to the basement to share it with Ratcatcher (or his loser brother?) and his rat buddies. I guess the shot at the end of the last issue that showed he was staying in the Pike Hotel was supposed to make me shout, "Oh! That's where Mother Panic's mom is staying!" But it didn't because who remembers shit like that from month to month?

In the back-up story, Miss Stoner, the producer for Cory Edgars (the right wing anti-Batman radio nutjob), meets a man with no eyes who tells her that Batman once saved his life. Maybe his eyes are on his fingers! If so, they're now full of bacon grease because he was feeding his dog bacon. Anyway, he wants to help Miss Stoner stop Cory Edgars from destroying all vigilantes which includes her dad, Odd Man. This back-up story is always just two pages long so that's all that happens.

The Ranking!
+1! This really is a much better comic book now that I'm in love with the art!

Mother Panic #4

I already believed this comic book was pretentious. This cover just confirms it! Just look at the name of that one creator: Jean-Francois Beaulieu! Who has that many vowels in their name?!

Almost immediately, I'm sorry I called this comic book pretentious.

Classic working class comeback!

Mother Panic's first nemesis was Gala, an artist. See why I thought it was pretentious? Art?! Pshaw! That's fancy boy stuff! And fancy girl stuff, too, I guess. But all girls are fancy when you get a peek under their skirt. Woo hoo! So fancy! But this nemesis looks like he's going to be more down-to-earth. Because who doesn't like a good "YOU'RE A WHATEVER!" burn? I use it all the time. Clerks are always, "That'll be $3.50." And I yell, "You're a $3.50!" Boom! Taken down a peg! That'll teach you for thinking you're better than me with your sick ability to handle money and do sums and tell nickels apart from dimes. La dee flippin' da!

So this mystery guy (I bet his super villain identity is The Playground Rascal!) is probably a Trump supporter. He already had that sick white working class put-down and he pulled a fire alarm! Who pulls fire alarms except stupid people who haven't studied for their money handling and doing sums final?! Although he also uses a cane with a skull on the handle which might mean he's a hipster villain. Double although, a woman looks at him and has a mental breakdown so he must have a working class face. You know the kind of face! The kind that isn't great to look at and, if you happen to stare directly at it, you think, "Minimum wage."

Wow! Now who's sounding pretentious! Probably not me! It was the way you read it and not the way I wrote it, you pretentious douche!

The Playgound Rascal blows the fuck out of the Rosemary Layton Memorial Wing of the Gotham Museum of Science and Other Fake News.

This hipster douchebag is upset for some reason. I guess he likes science. Or memorial wings. Spicy!

Mother Panic in her civilian guise goes on a talk show to do the whole I'm a drug-addled gigolo who likes to take her tits out in public and fuck other women raw shtick. She stole that from Bruce Wayne! While she's on the show, she decides to have a popular Tumblr opinion about Batman.

I an not happy about comic books being so socially conscientious! Don't fucking tell me your hot (well, lukewarm) take on Batman. Instead of judging Batman by his worst written stories, how about coming up with your own story about Batman and how he rationalizes the way he does things? I'll only be happy if Jody Houser allows Batman to change Mother Panic's judgmental view on him.

These words are just Violet Paige's act to get people to hate her so they don't think she's also a vigilante superhero. She probably secretly admires Batman and has all of his action figures on a shelf in her closet.

The other guest on the show is the Ashley Layton, the hipster douchebag. Violet recognizes his voice as he passes by. It turns out he's the guy who suggested to Violet's brother that she be sent to Gather House boarding school after she murdered her father. That's the place with the nuns who taught Violet how to be the superhero, Mother Panic! I guess she's not super happy about that so she decides he needs to be punished. I bet she pulls a thread on his sweater vest and unravels it a little bit. Ooh, he'll be so angry!

P.S. I really like the art in this issue. It might even make me like the comic book about thirteen percent more. End of P.S.

Don't tell me I'm using P.S. wrong! I know what I'm doing! This is just the Post-Post part of the commentary. Duh!

Violet goes to investigate Ashley Layton's software company. After breaking in, she encounters The Playground Rascal. I think I should rename him now that more of his character has been revealed. Apparently somebody gave him so much facial reconstruction that his face doesn't look real. It's why that woman was so terrified to look at it earlier. I bet somebody uses the phrase "uncanny valley" at some point! They might even say unheimlich!

I forgot to rename him in the last paragraph! He's The Plastic Pauper! Or maybe Fancy Lad! Hmm, maybe I'll just wait to find out who he really is. The main thing Mother Panic learns is that he also went to Gather House and he also wants to make them pay. So maybe he's Mother Perfect Face? Together, they blow up Layton's building and go home to reminisce about their terrible childhood.

Meanwhile, The Ratcatcher (or Ratcatcher's brother?) moves into the basement of the Pike Hotel. That'll probably be important later.

Double meanwhile in the back-up story, the producer of the Right Wing Radio Host who wants to put an end to Batman by making everybody hate him (which totally shouldn't work but, as we've seen recently in reality, totally works on the feeble minded and stupid). The producer wants to stop him but she doesn't know how. Luckily her father was a superhero named Odd Man and he still has the suit! It'll probably fit her or else this back-up story is going to be terribly boring.

The Ranking!
+1! That increase in the ranking is simply for the art. It's got the kind of personality I like my art to have! It's practically the exact opposite of David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. Their art is for the unthinking masses who love men with fish lips and women who look twenty years younger than they actually are. The art in this comic book is for smart, sexy, good-looking people who probably write comic book blogs.