Thursday, December 31, 2015

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7

This issue is off to a promising start!

That caption up there? I hate it. I hate saying things that people say. But how is anybody going to understand me if I say things people don't often say? Which I often do! Then the person reading my blog sits there on their core strengthening balls with their mouths agape thinking, "Why am I reading this bullshit when I could be Candy Crushing my way to literal enlightenment?!" Is that something people say? I do sometimes like to type things that people say but only when I'm trying to write a believable hypothetical character. And speaking of believable hypothetical characters, let's take a look at the exact opposite of that with our guide, Scott Lobdell!

I don't know why he says "nien." Was he going to talk about Nien Nunb?!

Speaking of Nien Nunb, today I saw Star Wars Episode VII: Episode IV But Against A Bad Guy With Big Ears. Don't worry, I won't spoil it for anybody who hasn't seen it already (even though if you're on the internet, you've probably already seen it because you're obviously a huge nerd). I just want to say this about Kylo Ren: I totally get why you're wearing the helmet, dude. I mean, Darth Vader wore the helmet because it was some form of life support. Sure, it made him look bad-ass as well which, understandably, is why you, Kylo, are wearing the mask. Because underneath that mask you're just a huge dork who couldn't stand being told what to do by his parents and moved out to live with a bunch of other nerds that were big time into playing Magic the Gathering (that's a dorky metaphor for The Dark Side).

About twenty years ago now (yeesh!), I went to play Magic the Gathering at a coworker's house with his equally nerdy roommates. It was a huge mistake. I have a feeling they had one guy read the rules and that guy probably always scored about third grade level on comprehension tests in high school. The whole fucking game was house-rules and they didn't even know it! They just trusted this dimwit to explain the rules to them as he understood them (which wasn't very well). I gritted my teeth through a few games with them and then left them to play their super exciting decks that were all 50% lightning bolts. Fuckers.

This issue is called "All's Fair in Love and Robin War!" and I don't know how I got through typing that without busting my guts laughing. I might have shit myself but there were other factors to consider there and I, most likely, can't blame it entirely on Scott Lobdell.

Do you think Eddie Berganza actually finds these scripts funny or does he just pretend to read them as he jerks off under his desk watching cosplay videos?

Roy Harper built a holographic arrow com. Did you see that? I scanned it in so you could see it and read it. Did it pain you as much as it pained me? If not, look at it again! Look! It's an arrow standing on end with a holographic image coming out of the tip! Why?! Why does that have to be arrow-themed?! It makes no fucking sense! He's Arsenal! He's a Rockabilly Genius! Why didn't he make some Holographic Pants Cuffs?! Or Holographic Hair Grease?! Or Holographic Banjo Versions of AC/DC Songs?! He does know he can drop the arrow-themed gimmicks, right?!

Jason Todd doesn't want Roy Harper and The Joker's Daughter interfering in the Robin War. And since they never show up in The Robin War, my guess is that they don't interfere. But they probably get into some other kind of trouble! Really stupid trouble! The stupidest fucking trouble ever!

Is this stupid enough for you?

If I were looking for orphan boys in their early teens, I'd probably hit up an orphanage. I certainly wouldn't attack a circus because what would orphaned teenage boys be doing in a circus? Circuses are family gigs!

Roy takes out Phosphorous Rex with an Asbestos Foam Arrow because he's not allowed to kill anymore. But Jason Todd didn't say anything about forcing a guy with a fire head to breathe in filaments and fibers of asbestos so that he winds up getting lung cancer in thirty years! What is asbestos foam anyway? I realize you can make it into a fiber but a foam?! That seems to be pushing the limits of my credulity! Although I wasn't a science major so I'll allow it this time.

Roy then takes out Siam with a goo arrow that he calls a goo gun because he's a Rockabilly Genius. I was going to say "because he's not very smart" and then I remembered he was a Rockabilly Genius so that must be the reason he thinks an arrow is a gun.

He doesn't take out Big Top because Joker's Daughter needs to prove herself to Roy.

Fat villains only have this one move.

The Joker's Daughter saves Roy by nearly killing two of the members of The Circus of the Strange. She then pulls a shotgun out of her skirt to finish off Big Top but Roy stops her with a taser arrow. Later she points out how she wasn't actually going to kill anybody although she did smash a wheel into Big Top's skull and pierced the abdomen of Phosphorous Rex with the rest of the wheel. And then there's the matter of how she was running around with a shotgun stashed in her underwear. She might be a little bit too crazy to not kill no matter how much she says she doesn't want to. But this is the team for her because they "kill" villains constantly! It's just that Red Hood and Arsenal's victims always wind up alive at the end of the comic because they somehow survive the bullets and arrows in their brains and spines.

Roy decides to give Joker's Daughter a chance at redemption. Immediately after that, he and the Joker's Daughter are dragged under the streets of Gotham by lava zombies. It's no big deal. The Joker's Daughter recognized them and everything. They're probably just inviting them down for tea. I just hope that some asshole in Hollywood doesn't somehow think they'd be great in a movie leading to Scott Lobdell making more money on his shit ideas. I saw the trailer for Age of Apocalypse today and immediately got depressed. People still remember that shit fondly, don't they? If any of y'all out there do and you haven't read it since it was out, I'd recommend leaving it be. I've been revisiting the 80s New Teen Titans recently which I always remembered fondly and it is garbage. Mostly. I've gotten to the Who is Donna Troy? story arc and some things seem to be improving a bit. Maybe it's all the bits where Danny Chase was left behind!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7 Rating: No change. This was my worst New Year's Eve ever! Why did I think reading a Scott Lobdell book was a good idea?! Oh! I know why it was a good idea! Because the new year can only get better after the ending to this year! Thank you, Scott Lobdell, for lowering the bar! Happy New Year everybody!

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