Monday, February 29, 2016

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Green Lantern #1

Rock God!

This is a weird little story. It's a Hal story. But it's also a not-Hal story that might have its roots in other Green Lantern stories that I've never read. It seems Green Lantern isn't human? He's some thing called a Moppet that pretends to be Hal Jordan? Or something.

Anyway, Hal gets his ass kicked because he doesn't know how to deal with or treat women, especially ones named Carol. But the story ends one panel too soon so that the readers think that Hal Jordan is out of the fight. But seriously? You cannot defeat Green Lantern by cutting off the hand with the ring on it and throwing it into space! That ring is too smart to be fooled by that! Although maybe Hal's ring isn't. It's so used to him just punching stuff that it probably wouldn't notice that the fist had been disconnected from the brain.

DK III: The Master Race #3

The Key to the Fortress of Solitude? This story obviously takes place in a universe of which DC Comics is ashamed.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

These may be fictional versions of fictional characters but they're up there among the best portrayals of Batman and Superman I've read. Sure, they've only appeared for one issue and things could go downhill quickly but I liked them this issue. I genuinely liked their characterizations here.

Batman acknowledges his faults and praises Carrie's work as Batman and/or Robin. He's still Batman so of course he doesn't tell her and only gives her warm fuzzies while she's sleeping (or, you know, pretending to. Probably because she knows she won't get praise while conscious. And Batman probably knows she's pretending but tells her anyway because it's some kind of game where they all save face by acting like idiots instead of honest people who care about each other). Batman knows he's needed. He knows Superman is needed. He knows they need help to save the world and he's not willing to be that version of Batman everybody seems to love. You know, the one where Batman does everything himself and staunchly refuses help but acquiesces readily when Batgirl waggles her finger at him.

Superman has taken a time out from the world because he and Batman almost destroyed it. Some people might look at this version and think, "What a puss! Superman would never abandon the world! So dumb!" But think about it. This is what I've been asking Superman to do for nearly four years now! He cannot save the world if he's constantly the most dangerous thing in it. And while I hate that modern writers have treated him as a dangerous weapon, I accept that all the stories being told simply prove that he's too dangerous to run amok on Earth. He's constantly mind-controlled or turned into Doomsday or having his powers stolen and used against him or being turned into a magic slave. Encasing himself in solid ice and locking himself away (I'm sure the front door was locked before his daughter came by to steal Kandor) was the only way to protect the Earth from himself. Right up until he knows that the Earth is in danger because of his pets and he steps up to take responsibility. The DC Youniverse could do worse than this Superman trapped in ice. Oh wait. It currently is doing worse than that.

The Kandor threat is a nice touch because even if I'm tired of bad Kryptonians coming out of nowhere to attack Earth, it's a believable setup to have a handful of villainous Kandorians out of a whole city full of them. Having Wonderman (Supergirl's daughter! She took her mother's first name and father's last name. At least in my imagination) turn against him works because she's got Daddy Issues due to Absent Father Syndrome.

Why is it older Batman is always so much better than late twenties/early thirties Batman? Oh wait. I know the answer to that! I just won't say it because I don't want to offend people in their late twenties and early thirties by performing clique maintenance!

Deathstroke #15

I don't recall the Morlocks having S's painted on their chests.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

It's as if DC Comics knows all of Deathstroke's fans are imbeciles who will buy any piece of shit story with which he's associated. But they also know Deathstroke's fans who will put up with infinite levels of shit writing are a limited resource so guess who shows up at the end of this book to pull in more idiotic fans? Red Hood! They already milked the Harley Quinn fans (guest starring in two different stories in the first year!) so they've probably learned lesson.

If I had any indication that this comic book wasn't taking itself as seriously as I'm pretty fucking sure it's taking itself, the reveal of Lawman would have been on my top hilarious moments list of whatever year this is. I suppose intent doesn't really matter, right? It was still hilarious! Holy shit, Lawman is a character in the wrong decade! And what's with his kidnapping of Rose Wilson who doesn't give a shit about her father (although she might now that a new writer is on the book. Deathstroke's continuity doesn't usually survive changes in the writer)? I suppose it really only matters how many shits Slade gives for Rose. But that's also been shown to be practically zero no matter how many times Tony S. Daniel wrote captions where Deathstroke was all, "I love my children Tulip and the boy, um, what's his name?"

Most of this issue is Deathstroke and Mercy dealing with a bunch of Bizarros by technobabbling up a solution. It might have been a successful moment for people who are sexually aroused by Bizarros without shirts but otherwise it may as well have been cut from the story. Although then the book wouldn't have a plot or any reason for non-Deathstroke fans to buy it. Every issue's cover should just be a picture of the guest star with a black background because every issue is just about showcasing another DC character simply so somebody will buy the issue. Next issue's cover is bound to be Red Hood standing over an unconscious Deathstroke so that all of the Red Hood fans will drop their boners and pick up next month's issue.

P.S. The art was not good.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

The Coming of the Supermen #1

This book sounds filthy.

Is this a joke comic book? Was Neal Adams purposefully hired to write a Superman comic book that reads like a low budget porn? As opposed to a high budget porn which is only a theoretical thought experiment. I'm not simply asking this question because the title causes every immature person reading comic books (i.e., all of them) to glance over at the place where their friend would be if they had one and titter like a moron. I'm asking because the Parademons invade by saying to "Hit it hard for Darkseid!" And Lois Lane, looking like she's got both of her hands halfway up inside of her, screams, "Something big is emerging from that so-called 'boom tube'". It's little turns of phrase that I might ignore if the comic book hadn't been called "The Coming of the Supermen" like when Lois asks "Did they come in ships?" and I spit fizzy water all over the comic book (because I'm a comic book reader and thus immature).

The title is spelled out with semen.

I see Tony Bedard helped with the script but didn't get a credit on the cover so maybe he decided to undermine the entire project with his filthy sex talk. Neal Adams is from a time when nobody raised an eyebrow when Batman was given a sidekick named Dick so of course he didn't notice how disgusting Bedard was making his Superman story.

Lois, dressed as if Dan Jurgens designed her outfit and did her hair, begins the story by reminding everybody how she broke the story of Superman because she's the fucking greatest. And now she's breaking a new story about more Supermen coming to Earth. It makes her so wet that she begins masturbating on camera as she reports Parademons invading the backdoor of Lex Tower (which looks like a huge cock and balls). Kalibak is leading the invasion so don't be surprised if I insert a yawn or two into my commentary as I go along.


Just practicing! I'm not bored yet! I'm still sort of turned on by Lois's look as she reported Apokolips's penetration of Lex's stronghold.

Yes, Lois, yes! Rub it right out of existence, you horny bitch!

Before I get too far away from that part where I basically called Neal Adams an old man, I want to apologize. He's doing the art so there's nobody else to blame for the sexual imagery he's laying down in conjunction with the ribald dialogue. For example, the picture of Lois losing her uterus while watching things emerge from a huge tube. Another example--which I'm not scanning because I'm sure you all have a copy of this comic book beside you since you were at the comic book store and were all, "Oh look! Superman in his red underwear! Suck it, New 52!"--is when Kalibak lands and ejaculates all over Lexcorps' security guards with the power axe emerging from his crotch. It even makes the same sound as a penis ejaculating after weeks of withholding its sticky treasure: CHOOOM!

This shit is fucking filthy. Who do I write to at DC to complain about this not being written earlier?

The new Supermen arrive to fuck Kalibak (I'm guessing based on the tone of the comic book so far!). Every single one of the new Supermen look exactly like the kind of porn actor hired to do porn versions of Hollywood movies simply because they kind of, vaguely, look like the star of the original movie while also having a fat cock. Lois continues to report the action live as her vagina steams up the camera's lens.

Lois is all, "These men may be wearing Superman's uniform and delivering pizza and have huge fucking bulges but they're no Superman! Where is the King of Krypton, the Prince of Pussy Pleasing, the Master of Mutual Masturbation? Well, people at home watching this broadcast because you love the way my tits look in a suit and not for the reason you should be watching this which is because I'm the best fucking reporter this world has ever seen, Superman was last seen somewhere in the Middle East! I'd be more specific but since I'm mostly broadcasting to Americans, why confuse you all by mentioning countries you've never heard of?"

Superman is currently laughing about a puppy about to get the shit blown out of it in that Middle Eastern location that really doesn't need to be any more specific than that because the readers get what that means, right? "Middle East." It's what a certain percentage of my family members on Facebook would refer to as a "non-Christian shithole". Well, if anybody would know anything about Christian shitholes, it's them! Superman only decides to save the puppy when the puppy's boy is in danger. I know it's been said before and I really hate repeating what everybody and their no-love-from-Superman dog has said but Superman really is a dick.

Superman doesn't like to get political so he flat out lies to this kid. "Oh silly Rafi! War is everywhere and it's only because a few people want it. Huge swathes of Americans aren't constantly saying how this area should be turned into glass, no matter what you've heard or is actually true! I mean, some people don't even have a dog and you're complaining about losing everything else? Stop being such a jerk, Rafi!"

A huge demon appears to tell Superman to adopt Rafi and his dog. I think the demon might be a certain prophet but having never seen an artist's depiction of him, I can't be sure. The dog's name is Isa which is Jesus in Islam which probably means something but I'm getting distracted by possible religious themes in what is almost certainly a porn parody. Somebody else can write about the end times religious shit going down here.

You're getting a little too on the nose with your religious commentary, Adams. How about talking about the Supermen coming some more? Loads and loads more!

Superman asks the demon his name while mockingly referring to him as Mister "Messenger" so I think I was probably right about the demon being Neal Adams' depiction of Muhammad (you know, the Messenger of Allah). Rafi says of this messenger, "I know he looks scary, Superman, but he does not feel scary." If anybody else is interested in a reading of The Coming of the Supermen's religious undertones, go find some other critic that wants to sound smart. I'm getting back into all of the porn stuff as soon as Superman heads back to Metropolis. And I hope I don't get Neal Adams in trouble for suggesting that he drew a caricature of Muhammad! That's just my silly and questionably intelligent opinion.

She means they don't quite fill the red underwear.

It's nice to see that in the DC Youniverse, nobody in the media is afraid of causing widespread panic by showing people the truth of what's happening in their world. An attack by Apokolips? Oh, no big deal. That just means big ratings for Lois Lane as she somehow gets cameras on the scene showing every angle while also interviewing Lex live at the scene and using the entire event for self-promotion. I'm sure nobody in Metropolis is terrified that they're all likely to die in yet another invasion. At least this one seems centered around Lex Luthor so maybe now everybody will come out against Lex and blame him for making Metropolis unsafe.

Clark Kent leaves Rafi and Isa with Jimmy Olsen as he goes to help stop Kalibak's raid on Lex Luthor's back door. Superman chases off Kalibak and the Parademons. Before he can speak with the other Supermen, he's taken on a "journey of the mind" by his Middle Eastern Demon Friend, Mu. They head back ten thousand years into the past to spy on the ancient Egyptians. I guess this is going to be some Ancient Aliens bullshit now. Nobody has done anything vaguely pornographic for some pages now! I'm really becoming disappointed (i.e., flaccid).

In Ancient Egypt, Superman learns that the Egyptians followed a different god of which no evidence exists because fucking anthropologists must suck. His name is Yuga Khan! But that's all the demon can reveal because he has limits on what he can tell Superman. The limits make no sense because it's easier to write a mystery with a shackled guide. "I can only tell you enough to keep the reader interested but not tell you everything so you can save the world! At least not until we've raked in all the cash. That'll happen around Issue Five. People still around for Issue Five will probably stick around for Issue Six so we can over-explain the mysteries then."

The Coming of Supermen #1 Rating: 24 out of 50-something. I hate a lot of things about comic books. But one thing I sort of love about comic books is when old school writers come back and write a comic book that's more like current comic books but retain much of the old school feel. Len Wein is doing that in Swamp Thing and Neal Adams captures some of that here. It has the look and feel of a story from the Silver Age but without all of the fucked up nonsensical written-to-children craziness you might find in those older books. Okay, it's got some of that. But in a modern way that makes it less eye-rollery and more nostalgia-massagery. It gets a little silly but that's because Adams isn't taking it too seriously which is a failing of many modern superhero writers. Like the Supermen who are coming. They're played as kind of idiotic but in an innocent way and not in a way that makes them the butt of the joke (yet!). I don't think I want all of my Superman comic books to have this tone but there's definitely room for one or two like this (especially since a quarter of DC's books star Superman). Although this story takes place in the eighties, right? So that's fucking weird!

Friday, February 26, 2016

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!

Batman and Robin Eternal #21

Tony S. Daniel hits on a way to make a young girl not look like an older woman who he's drawing like a young girl: tomboy her up!

Rating: No change.

This is the issue that says things that have already been said in lots of other comic books in other places. Once again, a Batman villain has gone through the same kinds of things that young Bruce Wayne went through but--surprise, surprise!--they turned into a jerk! But Mother gets to parallel Batman maybe even more than most of the others because she went the Batman route and began training young people traumatized by life to follow in her footsteps. So now the mirror can be held up to Batman's sidekicks so that readers can stop pointing out how awful putting children in danger is and they can go, "Oh! Batman is doing the right thing! Um, at least compated to what Mother is doing!"

The Harper Row aspect of the story just seems like somebody spoke up in an editorial meeting and asked, "Why is Batman so adverse to training Harper Row when he's taken in so many other kid sidekicks? Sexist!" But now we see why he kept turning her away! Because he was trying to deny that Mother had any influence on Harper's life at all. He was also trying to do to Harper what Alfred has been doing to Bruce in the recent issues of Batman. Deny them their destiny just so that they can be boring prats! Or something. I might have gotten the point of it all wrong.

I'm just about to the "A Lonely Place of Dying" in the 80s New Titans comic books but I won't be reading it. Too bad because it would be interesting to reflect on Batman and his sidekicks through the lens of that story. The reason I won't be reading it is complicated and...well, okay it's not complicated but I'm not going to go into it here so it'll seem more mysterious and less boring than it really is.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Bitch Planet #7

Why was this President Bitch Part One?! Where was President Bitch?! I think I spent too much time on the shower scene! You know, absorbing its feminism! Don't believe that I spent all that time on the "exiting stasis" scene! That's a dirty filthy lie! It takes way bigger dicks than that to get me to pretend I'm not heterosexual!

I don't remember who Whitney was because I'm old and can't remember books from month to month. Especially when the last time I read an issue of this book's main story was back in December. I sort of think I've got it figured out based on context. At least I remembered who Shithead was! That guy is hilarious! He's all, "Look at me! I'm peeping on naked women! Oh no! The naked women are kicking my ass! Eeep! Now I'm being forced to work with them and spy on all the men! Ack! I'm Non-Compliant!"

All the words in the back of the magazine probably make some really interesting points but there weren't enough naked lady pictures to space out the words so I totally didn't read any of it. Although I probably should because that letter from that guy claiming he was totally into equality and then shat all over feminists and expected to be congratulated was comedy gold! I wonder if he meant to send that to Penthouse Forums?

Bitch Planet #6

Meiko's father's name means "truth" and her mother's name means "dream". Discuss!

I don't know what Meiko's name or her sister Mirai's name mean because I don't know all of the Japanese words! I know Makoto because that was Sailor Jupiter's name and I know everything about the Sailor Scouts including their blood types. And I know yume because I love dreams and dreaming and dreaming about dreams. I love dreams so much that there's that flashback scene in the Cowboy Bebop movie (I think it was the movie and not one of the shows (wait, was there a movie?! Um, anyway)) where whats-his-name remembers somebody dying or passing out in the rain or something? The dying character speaks but you don't hear what the character says. As I watched that scene, I actually read the cartoon character's lips and said to the Non-Certified Spouse, "He said dream! Yume!" Later in the show, the scene is replayed and that's what was said. I'd like to continue patting myself on the back for reading a cartoon character's lips (even though I really only could have guessed "yume", "risu", or "shiri") but I think I should probably point out that that was some spot on fucking animation!

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Wonder Woman #49

This is the least subtle comment on the patriarchy I've ever seen on a comic book cover.

So it turns out that I still have enough time in my super busy life of leveling up in Call of Duty and getting my ass kicked playing Blood Bowl to do a few long form comic book commentaries every now and then. I couldn't resist doing one on an issue of Wonder Woman actually drawn by David Finch because he isn't as good at art as all of the comic book fans ever think he is. Am I that naked kid in the Emperor's New Clothes? Wait. The kid was the naked one, right?

Um, basically I realize I'm eager to do at least one per week. The question is which comic book do I write about each week? Well, that's up to you, the people! I mean the smart people. Stupid people reading this don't get an opinion. Just send me a note in some way letting me know which comic book in each coming up batch you'd like me to eviscerate and the one with the most requests will get a proper write-up. Or improper write-up. You know, whatever the fuck it is I do in these things.

According to the cover of this issue, women should be taking care of babies while men (symbolized by the screaming penis behind her) rampage about the land, penis in the lead, destroying civilization. That seems about right. The difference between men and women isn't that women don't like sex as much as men do. The difference is that women have standards and won't fuck anything that comes near them with an erect phallus. Some nights they will! But those are dangerous nights because you fuck a guy who isn't used to being fucked and it's like feeding a stray cat. That pathetic loser will never leave your back door no matter how many times you squirt him with the hose. When a woman just wants a good fuck, why do you think she'd go for a guy who looks like he has no experience with vaginas? She's going after some guy who thinks he's using her for the night because he'll probably be good in bed and he'll definitely not bother her the next day when she just wants to get on with her life. The proverbial "nice" guy isn't sexually shunned because he's too nice (mostly because he usually isn't). It's because he obviously (even on the most shallow of levels) has nothing to offer a woman who craves a fucking orgasm. Nice guys do know that women aren't just looking to let a guy rut on them for ten seconds before making a stupid face and apologizing profusely, right? They want to be fucked! F-U-C-K-E-D! Brains melting inside their heads because they've got three fingers inside them, a thumb on the clit, and a tongue in their asshole. Teaching a guy to be good at sex is like training a monkey you don't want in your fucking house because it eats all of your food and won't get a job and makes you drive everywhere while never paying for gas because it blew all of its money on Monkey Magic the Gathering cards.

This is the part where I pretend I'm one of those guys who are really good at sex and not that monkey because I don't know anything about Magic the Gathering due to fucking so much. I don't tap mountains! I tap ass! Did that make anybody wet?

Because he's a lazy man!

Zeke is actually Zeus and everybody knows it but they're still treating him as if he's a fragile human toddler. If Zeus suddenly shakes like he's having a seizure (even as a baby), it's probably because he's having an orgasm. The only weird part is that he isn't raping somebody as a toddler. It's pretty much his only hobby. It's weird to think how many rape stories I read in elementary school because I was so interested in mythology. In the seventies, I don't think anybody cared what kind of books were in the elementary school library. Although I went to Haman the Satanic Elementary School, so I shouldn't be surprised that along with all of the The Wizard of Oz books and dozens of mythology books, I also checked out The Amityville Horror from it. Go Haman Satanic Eagles!

Hera believes that Zeke is sick because Mount Olympus is in chaos. It's in less chaos than it was while The First Born was loose but it's still in some chaos because the God of Peace has decided that Peace is bullshit and means nothing without war. So, yes, the God of Peace is desperate for no peace at all because she's cuckoo. Hera has no solution to save the baby but she knows somebody who probably does! No, not the God of Doctors (probably because he's a male and also he has really creepy feet)! Gaia, the Mother God of All Mothers! Who better to take care of a baby than the ultimate woman! See? Just like how I interpreted the cover!

Gaia's temple is deep within the earth because vaginas.

Gaia ignores Wonder Woman's prayers because Wonder Woman isn't offering anything in return. She's just all, "I've never acknowledged you ever in my entire existence but now I've heard that you can solve a problem I have so here I am praying to you!" And when Gaia doesn't answer her prayer, Wonder Woman begins to vandalize the temple by punching the statue of Gaia and chipping it. Is that how she thinks you ask for favors from gods?! You demand them and when your prayer isn't answered, you threaten and insult them?! Why does Gaia suddenly owe Wonder Woman anything? I don't hate a lot of people but I really hate people who believe their needs are so important that everybody should get on board with them or else they're dicks. Also, I actually hate a lot of people and that bit about how I don't was a lie.

Wonder Woman encounters Hecate which was one of my favorite Magic the Gathering cards.

Okay, it was actually Hecatomb and I was remembering the name wrong. Probably because I was having so much sex in the nineties and not attending Magic Tournaments at the Red Lion in San Jose at all.

Hecate offers to help Wonder Woman for a price. That's more like it! Why would anybody do anything for anybody else for free?! That's fucking nuts. Hecate wants a few of Hera's precious orbs she keeps in her scrying pool which is the weirdest way to describe eggs and ovaries I've ever heard. But Wonder Woman is all, "I won't steal them! I'll be rational about it!" And Hecate is all, "You can't be rational when dealing with the gods! Haven't you noticed Hera is married to a toddler and the Goddess of Peace is a war monger and you're the Goddess of War and you're just trying to hug everybody? None of it makes any fucking sense! Here, let me show you!" She then goes on  to show Wonder Woman a vision of Hera acting suspicious. Which, of course, Wonder Woman simply takes as a true vision! Why are heroes in comic books always willing to believe anything anybody tells them?! What a bunch of gullible hicks!

"I am not the Goddess of Lies! I'm the Goddess of other things that totally don't make me seem suspicious and evil like Witchcraft and Necromancy! I also look like a lizard and did you ever hear that I tried to kill your mother but only made Derinoe old and bitter? Or something like that. I mean, if you've heard that, it was obviously a lie and told by somebody with a total anti-necromancy agenda!"

What follows is a scene where Diana dives into Hera's scrying pool which is a long, wet tunnel and then harvests Hera's last three orbs. It's totally clinical and not as sexy as I was hoping it would be after realizing that Diana was going to have to explore Hera's secret sanctum.

After harvesting Hera's orbs, Diana discovers a secret staircase leading down into Olympus. That's where she's attacked by the giant penis man on the cover! He was probably attracted to the orbs! He knocks out Diana and hauls her off to do whatever angry giant penises do to unconscious women. I wouldn't know having never pledged a fraternity.

Wonder Woman #49 Rating: No change! Seriously, no change! That's not a recommendation though because that's no change in rank of a comic that's ranked 40 out of 52 DC Comics (or somewhere near enough to 52 for me to not give a shit about the exact number). David Finch's art was at the level that would cause people to look at it and think, "He's really good and probably doesn't screw shit up all the time!" But mostly that's because he only drew a couple of panels with men in them. He likes drawing women and spends a lot of time getting them right, especially when they're wearing almost no clothes the way Hera was. I did like how everything in this book was a metaphor for genitals and reproductive organs though. Except for Zeke. He's just a metaphor for out of control lust and rampant fucking. Which, now that I think about it, is what all toddlers are metaphors for!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Doctor Fate #9

Is this story going to be about police brutality? About the animosity the public feels for overly authoritarian police? A good cop facing hard decisions? Please just be about something! ANYTHING!

Rating: No change.

This comic book would do well to drop Khalid's Narration Boxes altogether. The main problem with the comic book is that Khalid is constantly hesitating or second guessing his situation which slows the plot to a crawl as Khalid does nothing. The Narration Boxes are simply enabling that horrendous aspect of his character! Although I can't say the comic book would be any better with panel after panel of silence as Khalid just stares at the problems in front of him and does nothing to help.

Okay, sometimes he does something to help! But it's just boring magic where he points and makes some mystic yellow waves and shit gets better. Writing magic characters is easy!

At one point he says--and I'm paraphrasing--"Positive statement...not!" Oh how not at all clever that is! Not! No wait. No not!

Doctor Fate spends most of his time flying around looking for the neighbor who wants to fuck him but he refuses to fuck. It's pretty exciting how he wonders how his powers work and then finds out how his powers work and then uses his powers to do the thing he wanted them to do. I learned a lot about the writing process and how apparently you don't really need to tell an interesting story to get a job working at DC Comics.

Batman and Robin Eternal #20

Dick wins the orgy! Obviously.

Rating: No change.

I have this recurring dream where I'm at an all-girl school for young assassins and I'm also young so it's not creepy because dreams are what they are. They all want to have sex with me and they keep tickling me which is weird because I actually would like to have sex and not to be tickled. But I'm wearing sweat pants and I'm overly concerned about getting an erection because I guess my dream self is an idiot and thinks it'd be embarrassing if all the girls who wanted to have sex with me saw I was physically excited about it. But the tickling quickly becomes girls just trying to grab my cock through my sweats. At this point, I really just have a super strong urge to pee and the young women attacking me are just getting on my nerves. At about that point, I wake up with a full bladder and feeling really annoyed at my dream self for not getting laid.

Maybe that wasn't a recurring dream but then why should I tell you the parts of my stories that are false? I did have some of that dream last night for real though. It's just I added the all-girl school assassin thing for some reason I can't think of at the moment. It was just one woman and I don't remember if she was somebody I knew or probably just Gillian Anderson.

One time when I was in my teens, I was at the ice skating rink and this girl with large breasts kept hanging on the back of me. I was wearing sweats which meant that I wasted most of my money to ice skate because I had to sit down the entire time. It was totally worth it. I think she even joked about going outside in the bushes with me but I couldn't stand up without everybody in the rink knowing that I really, really wanted to be in the bushes with her. I think maybe the embarrassment of other people knowing I was physically aroused kept me from a lot of super awesome sexy time action when I was younger. Stupid inhibitions! Why should I have cared what anybody thought?! I could have gotten a handy in a bush outside the mall!

Sometimes I forget I'm supposed to be reviewing comic books.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Black Canary #8

Is it bad that I kind of want Dinah to die so that Bo Maeve takes her place?

Rating: -1 Ranking.

Have you ever read something that completely resonated with you and you just sat contemplating the work after you were through, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted? You just couldn't believe how somebody else somewhere out in the vastness of space and time was able to connect so completely to you that you were absolutely overwhelmed?

This isn't that. This is just a story about how Dinah is the heir to the Five Heaven Palms ultimate ninja move and how her aunt totally wants control of it. I've never been heir to anything unless you count my dad's fucked up sense of humor and my mother's extreme paranoia. But hey! Vixen is in this so I guess she recovered from that time New York fell on top of her in Justice League International!

I probably wouldn't have lowered the rating on this issue since it was simply regular old mediocre but the art was poopy. It reminded me of poop.

Oh, that was mean! I was being mean! The art just didn't agree with me! Maybe it was my lunch that didn't agree with me and I was just in a mood. I'm sorry for being mean, Sandy Jarrell. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work! I mean, "good" for other people because it wasn't good for me. It was close! The word I would use to describe your art had two "o"s in it as well!

Bombshells #9

Bah! Misogynist propaganda!

Rating: No change.

This comic book isn't as sexy as the cover might have caused you to think it was. Huge manga wink!

Supergirl and Stargirlikov looked super cute in the last section of story. I was all, "This book is kind of entertaining but something is really missing!" And then the last few pages happened and the characters were super cute and I was all, "Oh yeah! That's what was missing! My boner!"

Some people probably review this comic book and point out its feminist qualities but let's face it! The real selling point is cute women wearing barely any clothes! Isn't it great how the male slash lesbian gaze can debase anything!?

I know, I know! I should approach comic books more seriously! How dare I make immature jokes about comic books! This shit is serious shit and shit! So I'm going to stop being an ass and present my favorite part of the story!

"Hey seal, smell my finger!"

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Earth Too: Society #9

Guess what?! Everybody on Earth-Too fears heroes as well!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I get that the part where Lois Lane begins writing the new Earth-Too constitution with "In God We Trust" and then crosses it out is symbolic but it also makes Lois Lane look like a fucking dope. Why would that thought--beginning the new constitution with that phrase--even cross her mind?! Unless she's leaving that bit in! So she writes "In God We Trust" and then continues after a double-spaced gap with "Ha ha! That's how people saw the old world, right? Trusting the gods. Putting their faith in something other than themselves. But now we're on a different world. A new world. One created not by any god but by an interdimensional Machiavellian robotic monster! Which ultimately means the destiny of this planet must be shaped by those now living on it. It is up to us to trust ourselves, and to trust each other, to make this world a place where we can live in peace, prosperity, and the pursuit of sappiness."

And boy howdy do the people of Earth-Too need that speech! They're all fucking still living with the expectations of the Old World (you know, Earth-2!). They've just arrived on a new planet with only the technology and materials of the spaceships that brought them here and they're already trying to power the planet with oil and natural gas and shit dug up out of the earth! Hello! Your planet has two suns! TWO! Start upcycling your stupid spaceships into solar panels, you morons! Better yet, have Green Lantern make some for you with his magic, scary godlike powers! Oh, and isn't Mister Terrific down there? I hear he's the third smartest man in the world! He can build some shit to use the suns as a power source, right? Get those fucking Mister Terrific Balls in production already!

Earth-Too has about three million people on it and they're fighting over land rights. Are you kidding me?! If Green Lantern were a real hero, he'd just move the first city that becomes aggressive with another thousands of miles away to a new stretch of useless land (because apparently all the land is fucking useless). Who cares if somebody calls him a god or a fascist or a faggot? Okay, that last one was out of line. But still, who cares?! He can save lives and teach lessons!

I was hoping this was going to become a Justice Society book where the heroes all sit around a table and listen to Hawkman scream his fool head off about some non-traditional something bugging his bigoted ass. But instead it's about a bunch of heroes trying to build a new world in the face of a populace that are scared assholes without any fucking common sense. I hope the whole place blows up by issue thirteen.

I should also mention that whatever weird breeding program Fury has begun that's creating Amazons is also giving them some kind of weird hip dysplasia.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9

It's kind of unbelievable that this is an Ed Benes cover because The Joker's Daughter hardly has any boobs hanging out everywhere.

The first thing I thought of when I saw this cover was that it's a good thing Jay and Roy are fighting zombies because they're allowed to kill them without everybody getting all sourpuss faced at them. But then I realized something else: way too many stories these days deal with why the main character kills or doesn't kill (usually doesn't!). Can we all just accept that Batman isn't going to fucking kill anybody and stop having stories where he has to explain why he doesn't? Or he has to prove to a bad guy who thinks not killing is a weakness that the bad guy is wrong? The same goes for Superman! How often does a bad guy pipe up with some shit like "I've got the upper hand because I will actually kill and you are a right puss from Pusspuss, British Columbia!" You can tell my imaginary bad guy is stupid because he thinks Superman is Canadian!

Can DC just put up a poster in their offices with a list of things that we can all just take for granted? Let me start the list! Everybody else can add their own!

Things To Be Taken For Granted In Every Iteration of the DC Universe!
1. When the Metal Men are not in operation, Doc Magnus likes to stuff the Responsemeters up his rectum.

Let's build on this list, DC Fans! Not Marvel Fans allowed! You'll just make a mockery of it!

Currently in Red Hood Loves Arsenal's Junk, the Roy and The Joker's Daughter were kidnapped into Ann Nocenti's Nethers! Jason Todd has followed in the hopes of rescuing them (or at least The Joker's Daughter. Fuck Roy!). Things are going to really get crazy and interesting because the best writer at DC Comics is on the job: Scott Lobdell!

I wonder how much money Scott Lobdell is making off of the Age of Apocalypse X-men movie. He must get some kind of royalty, right? Wasn't he a big part of that garbage which is basically just more of the same from the X-men? Humans versus Mutants with a little Mutants versus Mutants because only good Mutants can stop the Bad Mutants from proving the fears of the Humans true! The Humans are just cowering, lower evolved garbagesicles.

I know! Because Scott Lobdell likes to play his scripts by ear so he changes the plot every month when he gets a new idea! Not that he had an old idea on where his old story was going. That's for pretentious writers who like to have themes and points to their stories! This is just a fun rollicking roller coaster ride of Roy Harper's Narration Joking and Jason Todd's constant whining about how dumb his partner is (while also acknowledging his big heart!).

This story is called "Harmed and Dangerous" because ha ha ha I can't breathe so funny.

Jason Todd is currently putting bullets in a new gang of bad guys who had a really witty name that I can't remember now. Hopefully Lobdell will reintroduce everybody during the first five pages that he always saves for recaps via the main character's super snarky and hilarious narration!

Oh yeah! They were the Iron Rule which isn't as witty as I remember it being. Maybe I'm just not getting the pun! Is it like the Golden Rule but harder?

As you can see, much like the Teen Titans, the Iron Rule takes care of its own. That's the most important thing to both groups! No wonder the Teen Titans seem like bad guys now. They really should start making helping people their first priority or at least move from a Superhero Comic Book to some kind of existentialist Indie rag about how hard it is to be a teenager.

Jason Todd makes sure to think about how he's going to defeat the Iron Rule by treating them as a single organism (something Ducra taught him!) so that when he defeats them the same old way (by punches and bullets and probably some kicks), it'll seem like it was a well-written answer to how he overcame this new problem.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper needs to get some Narration Joking in so it's his turn for a few pages. I forget what he was up to because I probably hated it. He's discovering an old stadium which is now underground because this area was flooded a hundred years ago and you know how when building are flooded they soon sink under the ground and into caverns so that they're not flooded anymore and the water stays above them and it's all very heady geology that's tough for a lot of people to understand so I'll stop explaining it.

No! Don't do it! It's not worth your sanity!

Roy stumbles upon Joker's Daughter being held captive by some asshole whose face she burned a grin on way back in that Catwoman series previously mentioned. That asshole's plan is to knock down a few pillars and cause Gotham to collapse into the Nethers. Which totally doesn't make any sense because the space is so huge that Gotham should have simply collapsed into it a long time ago. I hate the Gotham Underground. I like my comic books to be unbelievable but there's a line! And that line is almost always crossed by Ann Nocenti!

The Iron Rule were paid by Charon to kill everybody in the Nethers which makes less sense than anything else since Charon is going to bring Gotham down on their heads anyway. Speaking of which, he's going to bring it all down on his own head as well. I don't think he's thought his plan through very well. I also still don't know why he needs The Joker's Daughter. It's possible he mentioned it previously but why would I waste any brain matter remembering shit Lobdell wrote?

Jason Todd's battle with Iron Rule isn't any sort of epic. They get the upper hand. Then Jason Todd gets the upper hand by pointing out that he's following the training of Ducra and letting his body be the weapon. But then that totally fails even though it's not supposed to and he's caught by the Iron Rule. But then he somehow winds up on a ledge above them while one of the Iron Rule says, "That was some toss." I don't know who tossed him. I don't know what happened. But I do know that Jason Todd didn't survive this battle by his own skill. He might as well be dead because he's terrible at superheroing.

The Joker's Daughter tries to kill herself when she kills Charon by throwing him into the lava. But Roy saves her with a Save Somebody's Life Arrow and then it's time for the feelings even though this comic book gives me no reason to feel anything for any of these characters except irritation and annoyance.

Oh! Oh! I'm a stupid fucking fan who feels every feeling for Jason Todd because he's such a precious baby fluff and I can't tell when he's being written horribly because I've projected every one of my own issues onto him and he must be kept safe in the way that I like to believe I wasn't (even though I totally was and am really just blowing life with my parents way out of proportion)! Boo hoo! Heroics!

The story ends with Joker's Daughter leaving the rotting Joker face with the lava people and Roy thinking about his last mercenary group he ran until they went rogue: The Iron Rule! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9 Rating: No change. Here's how a Scott Lobdell book about youths goes: Lobdelled first page, title that's a bad pun and/or song title, snark, snark, snark, terrible jokes, terrible jokes, more irritating snark, bad joke, bad joke, snark, snark, killing that winds up not being killing because the Boys have changed their ways, bad snarky joke which irritates, moment where Jason Todd sees something in somebody else and wants to save them, moment where Roy Harper uses his experience as an alcoholic to help out, feeling of guilt and shame. Oh wait. That feeling of guilt and shame is just me after I'm done reading the comic book.

Don't forget to add stuff to the list of shit that should be taken for granted in the DC Universe, okay?

Friday, February 12, 2016

Batman #49

Get ready to be disappointed!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I've really been down on DC's comics lately! It's possible that when I thought I was really enjoying certain comic books, I was really just enjoying my own writing about those comic books! Christ, what an ego on me! And though I'm going to be a little bit harsh on Batman right now, it's because I've liked it a lot for most of the last forty-eight issues! Now it's time to point at its failings and call its mom a whore.

Maybe that's going too far. I guess I'll just laugh at its faults.

Everybdoy knew that Bruce Wayne's return to Batman was going to be disappointing so nobody was disappointed with that aspect of this issue! Probably. Maybe some weirdo, average intelligence nutjobs liked how Bruce got his Batman back this issue. But for most of us, it was kind of crap, right? I mean, I suppose the entire Joker story began with the explanation of the deus ex machina, so I shouldn't be surprised that it finally arrived to play its part. But really? A machine that stored Batman's brain from just before he and The Joker "killed" each other? I suppose I have to believe it and not be too critical because I'm reading fucking superhero comic books. You win this round, Snyder!

[[MORE]] No wait! I don't have to totally roll over and take it in whatever orifice Snyder wants to put it (probably the butt since I said "roll over")! I have a right to complain! Nobody likes when a story pushes the fucking reset button and yet that's what just happened here. It may as well have been a fear-gas induced dream! Bruce might as well have been in a coma since the end of Endgame and his life with Julie Madison was just the fevered hallucination of a nearly brain dead mind! It would be so easy to just pretend the battle with the Jokerized Justice League and everything that followed (Commissioner Batman, the death battle with Joker, and Regular Joe Bruce) never fucking happened! It would be but Snyder screwed us. He fucking screwed us by cutting off Alfred's hand. Now every time we see Alfred's stump, we have to accept that this entire story actually happened!

Although maybe we can just accept part of it, right? Endgame could have happened right up until the end when Gotham City fell on top of The Joker and Batman. Then Bruce was hauled up and has been in a coma dreaming that Gordon was a robot. Of course we'd have to believe he was dreaming Red Hood Loves Arsenal and Batgirl and Batman Loves Superman as well! But that's okay! I think there's enough latitude for anybody to believe anything they want to believe! Because I certainly am not going to think of this Brain Transplant Machine as something that actually happened to Batman! I'd rather believe that the Adam West Batman series was a faithful recreation of Bruce and Dick's first year fighting crime in Gotham!

Anyway, that's my only problem with this story. I mean, my only problem is practically the entire thing. But it's something I can live with! Mostly because I have to. Also because it's just a fucking comic book and it doesn't affect my life in any way at all.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Constantine the Hellblazer #9

Typical laundrymat.

Rating: No change.

I don't feel like I learned anything from this issue. Some people lied to John and then John lied to some people. That's the kind of wacky thing that's always happening in the pages of this comic book. Also there were a bunch of demons that wanted to take John's soul. Lucifer Morningstar was almost mentioned by name which means He's almost canon in the DC Youniverse! Not that everything isn't already canon thanks to Convergence. I think. Maybe that's wrong. Anyway, Constantine winds up in--SPOILER!--Faerie! That probably means he's going to have sex with lots of elf girls and boys and maybe sentient mushrooms too. And by "girls" and "boys" I mean faerie men and women but they're so fey that you can't call them "men" or "women"! They have to be referred to as girls or boys or mushrooms.

Catwoman #49

Killer Croc should be masturbating.

Rating: -3 Ranking.

Let me get this straight. The Penguin keeps his files he uses for blackmailing people on a flash drive inside an inaccessible location. And that inaccessible location is inside a fake diamond that's known as "The Job" to burglars and jewel thieves. Catwoman calls this "hiding in plain sight" instead of what it really should be called: fucking lunacy. But wait! There's more!

Catwoman does not discover that this diamond is fake because she has all sorts of super techno-goggle powers now. She doesn't realize it's fake because she's an expert at identifying precious gems and jewels. She doesn't realize it's a fake because she's had some experience with Black Diamonds not too long ago. No. She realizes it's a fake because Penguin and her client keep referring to it as an object. I'd quote Catwoman exactly and say they kept calling it "the object in question" but fuck me if I remember anybody calling it that exactly. Maybe Penguin did it last issue. Anyway, that's sort of the point. Even if that was her clue, not enough people have been awkwardly talking about the Frost Diamond as if it's not a fucking diamond.

Also the dialogue is terrible, especially when Tieri tries to write current Batgirl's attitude and lingo. I'm better at it and all I do is have Batgirl talk about how desperately she needs a cock inside of her. Which she probably totally does no matter how much DC Comics tries to pretend women don't like sex. Here's a secret: they do! Just probably not with you if you're a guy and you're into comic books because you are probably terrible at it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #3

Does this series really need to be six issues long? Couldn't it have just gotten straight to the fight between Batman and Shredder?

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I would have enjoyed this issue more if Alfred had blown the head off of one of the turtles with his shotgun. There are four of them! There have been four of them for thirty years! Isn't it about time one of them is killed? How about all of them! I think they should be replaced by four new turtles: Gertrude, Ernest, Pablo, and F. Scott.

Shredder comes off as a cheesy GI Joe villain whose just the baddest ass in the room for the sake of having a baddest ass in the room. He just set foot in Gotham and he's instantly ready to control it completely because Batman's regular villains are slackers and madmen. And cowards, I guess, judging by The Penguin's subservient attitude.

Batman Loves Superman #29

Relax, Batman. He's just looking for clues.

Rating: +3 Ranking.

Hey kids! It's a Batman and Superman team-up book that's actually well done! Superman is super! Batman is batty! Twat Lobo isn't quite the twat he was while being written by [NAME REDACTED], the [CENSORED] writer ever! In fact, this is Lobo's best appearance yet! His second best appearance since 9-11 (the DC Comics Fans version of 9-11: September, 2011! When The New 52 began!) was in Stormwatch but that's because Jim Starlin doesn't know how to write good or bad. He just writes stuff he's written before and sometimes it winds up being decent and/or another version of Warworld.

I don't know why Robin is doing smack on the cover because that part isn't in this story but it's probably good they left it out because it would just be confusing. I wonder if Neal Adams had his semen added to the ink used on these covers? I licked this one but couldn't taste any difference.

Batman and Robin Eternal #19

Girl school gone wild.

Rating: -2 Ranking.

Girl school gone wild. Did you read when I wrote that part? Well that's all I have to say about this issue! Okay, that's a lie. As anybody who has read anything I've written about comic books in the last four and a half years knows, I always have too much to say about everything. So the other thing I have to say about this issue is the best part about it was the callbacks to Grayson. But that wasn't enough to make this an interesting issue of Batman and Robin Eternal. I didn't subtract two rankings because this was a bad comic book. I subtracted two rankings because I hate when weeklies throw in an issue that doesn't really advance the plot or add to the story. This issue exists simply to reveal the Spyral satellite and to get from Point A to Point Harper Trying To Kill Cass.

My favorite part was the part that won't be acknowledged and possibly didn't happen. It's the part where Dr. Netz took Tim Drake into the supply closet to fuck him while he was loopy on Fear Gas.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3

This pseudo-X-Men story even has a Sentinel!

This comic book series asks the big question that nobody really wants a fucking super hero comic book to ask but it won't shut the fuck up about it. It's like a two year old constantly asking question after question! If you want to know when five hours is up so I'll let you out of the closet, learn to tell time, you parasite! Um, anyway, the question being asked is this: What if our heroes were scary and out of control monsters instead of loving and peaceful gods like the ones none of our religions are actually founded on? You know how you're supposed to love and fear God at the same time? That also makes him a monster, right? How can one feel safe when the person supposed to be keeping them safe also scares the shit out of them? Do we really want people like that in power? That's a rhetorical question because apparently most people in America want monsters in power. But I digress so let me start a new paragraph.

At some point in the modern age, writers decided to let reality intrude in comic books. No longer could stories be about a heroic figure that exemplified goodwill and compassion whom everybody trusted implicitly. Perhaps that gray (or grey) area had always been there because Stan Lee was all, "What if the Fantastic Four had real problems?! Kids would be way more into that than those gay characters at National Comics! Or DC, depending on what they were called at the time. Who knows? I'm just a fictional version of Stan Lee who forgot that 'gay' had a very different connotation in whatever decade I'm supposed to be in while saying this! Not to mention that it's way inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult in whatever actual decade the person is in who is reading this right now! Unless 'gay' makes a huge comeback as an insult in the next century after the Homoerotic Wars of 2115! Hopefully the internet survives that long and isn't destroyed by trolls and anti-trolls and anti-anti-trolls!"

I forgot what my point was again.

Oh yeah! At some point, comic book writers felt like they were destroying any suspension of disbelief if they didn't acknowledge all of the grey (or gray) areas that would exist if a superhero were in the real world. And from there, every single story became some version of the stupid fucking absolute power corrupts saying. You know the one. I think it was from the preface of The Art of War by Richard Marx. This story is kind of like that. What if the Justice League were here to help save the world from threats but they were so fucking scary that nobody realized they were actually trying to help? A vampire?! A super strong woman capable of stepping over a puddle on her own and opening her own doors?! A Mexican-immigrant that didn't need a helping hand from liberals?! Holy shit! I need a new pair of underwear already!

You know what was really scary? Dr. Phibes Rises Again! It was on last night when I got home from work and I think it was a horror movie? Or a comedy? Or one of those Abbot and Costello/Universal Monsters mashups? I couldn't really tell because it was making me laugh when I think I was supposed to be horrified.

The other problem with this series (at least in the first two issues) is that it just felt like an X-men versus the Brotherhood of Evil story. A bunch of super powered people fighting to determine which super powered people's attitude toward normal people would win out. Are they their saviors? Are they their superiors? Are they supposed to protect them or enslave them?! Do they act condescending and patronizing constantly or just sometimes? Well, the Brotherhood of Evil was mostly destroyed at the end of Issue Two but now the Justice-Men have to battle a Sentinel with the mind of Alpert Magneto inside of it. And all the while, Lois Lane is writing a scathing article about the Justice League. I would have said "expose" instead of "article" but I can't be bothered to figure out how to do an e with an accent on it.

Come on, Wonder Woman! Do you think you should judge everybody by who they were fifty years ago?! People can change! Look at me?! I'm no longer a non-existent nothing! I've developed into an actual human being with sentience and existence and the ability to fill up space and waste time! Go me!

As the Justice League battle Imperiex the Sentinel, Lois Lane describes the battle in her story. Somehow she has access to reports on the battle from people who also weren't at the battle and she admits in her article that she doesn't even know if the events she's describing actually happened. Some fucking reporter! You know Clark Kent never hedged about the veracity of his Superman stories! He was a great reporter!

Imperiex's plan is to download his consciousness into every single living person on Earth so that everybody will get along and have a good time. I suppose that would work although it seems to be the comic book fascist go-to plan! Assimilation equals paradise! Doesn't Imperiex realize how boring it will be if he is everybody? He'll never again feel the excitement of another person reaching down the front of his trousers for the first time because he'll be that person and he'll know it's coming and he's done it so many times before that it won't ever be the first time again! Not that I'll ever experience that feeling again either unless somebody surprises me and does it without my consent. Wink, wink. The winking was my consent but not really consent because I can't be a party to asking somebody to do that because I'm in a committed relationship!

Imperiex hypnotizes the Justice League and uses them to battle the humans while he begins downloading his consciousness. So the Justice League kills a bunch of innocent people who are trying to defend the world. This is more of that crap that happens in modern comic books that shouldn't fucking happen because it ruins the ultimate reason for having superhero comic books in the first place. If the populace believes the heroes are a threat to mankind while the heroes deny that they're dangerous because their intentions are good but then become mind-controlled and threaten the populace, the heroes are a threat to the populace! They can't be both heroes and villains and still simply be heroes. Once they're used by a villain to kill a single person, the hero is a danger to the world and needs to take responsibility to protect the world from themselves. I'm not interested in tainting heroes like this. If people really enjoyed stories like this, newspapers wouldn't be tanking all over the country. Because they're all about people in authority failing the people they're supposed to be helping! Did you get that in my previous statement? Did I need to explain myself because I felt I needed to explain myself. I just don't trust that anybody reading anything on the internet is smart enough to understand anything they're reading. Oh, I know they'll purposefully misunderstand anything they can so they can rant and rave about whatever fucking issue they're dealing with! But do they have any actual reading comprehension at all? I tend to err on the side of "they don't."

Anyway, Wonder Woman's Mother Box saves the Justice League from Imperiex's mind-control and then Boom Tubes the combatants to Pripyat where they could destroy as much property as they wanted without anybody getting hurt. If by "anybody" you mean human beings. I'm sure lots of wildlife were killed. Although who cares because they were probably mutants and evolutionary dead-ends anyway!

Should a reporter be this cynical, sarcastic, and biased?! I mean, I know critics should be that way! But Lois Lane is a respected reporter and not me!

There's more fighting. Lots of fighting. Punches and shit. It all comes down to fighting! But not just fighting individually! They need to work together! They need to become the Justice League! And later, Lois Lane will write a poorly researched article (I suppose she's just writing an "editorial" but then why am I reading it?!) about the events so that everybody gets riled up against the Justice League. Or so she can prove that she wasn't fooled if they ever do go rogue. She can point back at this horrible article she wrote when they first appeared on the scene as the Justice League and scream, "See?! See! I warned you! I warned everybody! Pay attention to me!" But nobody will pay attention to her because they'll be fleeing for their lives as the city is destroyed around them and Lois Lane's "I told you so"s.

Lois Lane's article quotes from some government testimonials given by the Justice League after the battle. They're interspersed with Lois Lane's written eyerolls and jerking off motions.

The Justice League defeats and kills Imperiex. After that, the United States government invades Russia to pick them up.

Who are the real monsters?! Probably critics like me!

Lois Lane does makes some good points at the end of her story although by then I'm mostly disappointed with her bullshit. It's about how superheroes should not be running around solving every problem with violence. Hey! I totally agree with that! But Lois Lane doesn't have to tell the reader that! She needs to direct her comments to the Superman editorial staff! Tell them how Superman shouldn't be punching everybody in the face! Tell them how he's so powerful and invulnerable that he doesn't need to resort to violence! Almost every encounter should be Superman walking right up to the bad guy, taking them by the scruff of their neck, and hauling them to prison. But writers think that kind of story is too boring! So Superman has to constantly encounter creatures more powerful than he is even though he's supposedly the most powerful person in the DC Youniverse. The real problem is that most of the writers on Superman (and all of the editors!) are lazy and unimaginative slobs who have no fucking idea what Superman represents.

And then Lex Luthor becomes the Charles Xavier of the Justice-Men!

Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3 Rating: It wasn't horrible. It just happens to be a story I don't want to read in comic books anymore. Can't writers just use the X-men when they want to write a story about the populace's xenophobic fear?! I'm almost never in the mood for a story about how heroes might be perceived in the real world. How about we just all agree that the good heroes are good heroes and the only people who hate them are bad guys and their henchmen? I'm okay with suspending my disbelief for that to be a regular part of the DC Youniverse. I mean, I guess Batman can be feared by everybody because that's kind of the point of Batman. He's a bogeyman but only if you step out of line. But some people will still be scared because they aren't sure what Batman would consider stepping out of line! But can't Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and The Flash be seen as the heroes they constantly are? I guess not when they're always being mind-controlled and turning on the populace. Which, now that I've mentioned it, can that be stopped as well? Stop giving the populace of the DC Youniverse good reason to fear them! Christ, people. Do I have to go down to your offices with my yardstick and start slapping asses?!

Friday, February 5, 2016

Black Canary #7

My favorite character of this title didn't make the cover?! Where's Bo Maeve?!

Rating: No change.

Get it?! This comic book was all about defeating a monster with sound but it was totally silent! Intellectual! I'm going to write a story that's all about how powerful words can be right now!

by Grunion Guy


The end!

Laptop drop! Grunion Guy out!

Batman Beyond #9

I'm still pretending this is Terry McGinnis.

Rating: No change.

Sometimes it feels like an issue is really light on plot because it's just moving the characters to some big reveal. That's what happened in this issue! Except the big reveal was just some guy I don't recognize because I was never into Batman Beyond! So I got to the last page and thought, "It's Sinestro! But why are they calling him Doctor Cuvier?!"

This book has been better than the initial finishing off Brother Eye story arc. But it really needs to keep pushing the envelope because another issue like this and I'm going to be completely bored of it again! Come on, Dan Jurgens! Don't you know any plots from Knight Rider or The A-Team or Riptide?!

It is kind of weird that DC Comics is making Robot Dan Jurgens whose memory cards haven't been updated since 1986 write the comic book about the DC You's future!

Batgirl #48

Great. Grump Canary is back.

Rating: No change.

Dear Diary,
I am such an idiot! I'm not talking about my loss of memories or, even while amidst this memory problem, believing my memories over my friends when it came to trusting my "best friend from summer camp" Greg, or stealing Tess's "Grump Canary" nickname by calling Black Canary a "world famous grump! I'm talking about getting Luke to put on more clothes in a wager I won! Why didn't the wager involve getting naked?! God I'm horny!

Luckily this Fugue guy has only been sleep-creeping into my room at night to steal my memories and make new ones. I think. Oh god! What if he stole my memories of all the hot sex I've had over the years?! Maybe I'm not as virginal and pure as I thought! I mean, I wouldn't be angry if I was really a total slut. I'd be angry that I didn't have any memories of being a total slut! That would be Grade-A flick material!

Can you believe this guy calls himself "Fugue", Diary? If I were him, I would have called myself Fermata! Or Doctor Absent-Minded! Or Mister Sleep-creep!

Fugue has really messed with my self-esteem too! Why is he coming into my bedroom at night and stealing my memories when he could be touching the cutest butt in Gotham?! Not that I want him to! Gross! But, you know, it would be nice to know I was so hot lying their in my sexy Bat-Pajamas that he couldn't help staining the inside of his Fugue costume.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Detective Comics #49

Come on, Jim. It's not that hard to learn to throw a boomerang.

Rating: No change.

There's a moment in this issue where Harvey begins spewing facts about Alan Shepard and I've never been more annoyed with him! I suppose it's a real thing where people memorize the most detailed and boring minutae of things they're interested in. I suppose that's a thing because I know people often aggravate me with their incessant details about shit so that I'm impressed by their knowledge. I'm glad I've never had a brain for that level of detailed memory of things. I'm way too smart for that! I spend all of my memory on insults to scream at nerds who won't stop vomiting lousy facts!

Maybe I'm just upset that my brain has never managed to hold onto detail very well. It remembers things in context when the memory is needed. Or it remembers tons of general shit about a lot of other general shit. Like I could tell somebody that Alan Shepard was the first American in space but I always forget that he was a chimpanzee. You'd think I'd remember that part because it's the more interesting piece of that story!

The theme of this story is be careful who you let live in your city because they might find an inappropriate outlet for their artistic installations and begin flooding the art scene with redundant garbage meant to shock and titillate the public.

Batman Europa #4

This book ends exactly how we all knew it would with Batman and The Joker exchanging bodily fluids.

Rating: No change.

For some reason, Bane was behind this entire virus thing. Why? I don't know! I'm not smart enough to figure out shit like that! Bane wanted to prove to Batman that he can't live without The Joker by making them run around Europe together for a week. It seems like a lot of work to teach Batman something he already knows.

I don't think Bane went far enough. It's obvious The Joker and Batman are engaged in an intimate relationship that nobody else can penetrate. If I were Bane, the cure would have been in their semen. It's only fitting and it's possible Azzarello and Casali wanted the reader to go there themselves since they obviously couldn't write that particular ending. It definitely reads like Batman and The Joker have to fuck each other to live. I guess that's why Bane sent them on their romantic tour through Europe. It was to get them in the mood. And how better to accomplish that then walking through Rome at night? That's fucktown, baby! Probably.

I guess they're also in Rome because Rome has history and is called The Eternal City and is half ruin and half modern architecture. So it's Batman and The Joker and their history together. Plus it's romantic.

Overall though, I didn't really see the need for this story. So Batman keeps The Joker alive because The Joker, in a crazy way, gives Batman a reason to live. Is he really that depressed still?! Didn't DC Fans already know this from that other Joker story? You know the one I'm talking about? You know? All of them?

Action Comics #49

What the fuck?! Is this month's variant "Neal Adams' Disturbingly Fetishized Wank Covers"?

Rating: No change.

Superman finally gets his powers back although the kryptonite chemotherapy didn't fix his hair. It also gave him weird extra powers because that's par for the course whenever Superman writers go through one of their "Superman is too powerful" phases. He always comes back with new powers that should have just been given to a brand new superhero who wouldn't sell and then just disappear slowly over time like practically every character created in the Bloodlines Summer Annual Extravaganza.

This story had about as much plot as Grayson #16. Both issues really didn't cover a lot of ground. But while Grayson #16 was fun and entertaining and worth reading, this was a pile of horseshit. Unless horseshit has beneficial properties like making people laugh when the marching band squishes through it during a local parade. Okay, that's pretty entertaining and better than this book so maybe I should compare it to something else. Like maybe getting your genitals caught in your zipper.

Vandal's ten thousand year old plan relies on stealing the Fortress of Solitude in the final moments which totally makes sense since that totally existed ten thousand years ago. Also he shout a powerful laser into Jupiter. So he's either turning Jupiter into a star like in 2010: A More Confusing Space Odyssey or he's digging out the remnants of Shoemaker-Levy because maybe that was the comet that gave him his powers. I hope it's that one! I wish I could go into Harvey Bullock detail about Shoemaker-Levy but the best I can do is come up with the name without Google's help! I don't even remember the date it hit Jupiter but I was in my early twenties and having sex regularly! That's clear because I always yelled "Here comes Shoemaker-Levy, baby!" whenever I orgasmed.