Thursday, January 14, 2016

Martian Manhunter #7

Oh mighty question mark! You make a simple statement into a startling revelation!

J'onn J'onzz has thrown in with Mars. He's betrayed his adoptive planet and decided Mars is the place for our universe. Beautiful, glorious, too small to retain its own atmosphere Mars! What a jewel! A joy! A terrible place that thinks putting zucchinis in cookies is a fun idea. Fuck Mars. Fuck it right in its Olympus Mons!

J'onn may have chosen for Mars to live at Earth's expense. But not every aspect of him agrees with the decision.

There's not really enough difference between "hunter" and "killer" for this line to come off as anything but silly.

Nobody needs to explain to me that killing doesn't always come at the end of a hunt. Sometimes people hunt for meaning! Or other things. But you know what I fucking meant, didn't you? Didn't you! You didn't need to ever utter the word "actually" except to irritate the shit out of me.

Speaking of both silly lines and irritating the shit out of me, I watched Halley Berry's Catwoman for the first time yesterday. Me-ouch! Oh man! If I had been a movie critic at the time--not a serious one, mind you! One of those hacks that simply tries to come up with some positive, pun-induced message about how fun the movie was--"Me-ouch!" would have been a good tagline! Of course it wouldn't have made the poster so I would have been doing it wrong. And I'm sure half of the writers came up with "It's Purrfect!" before even viewing it. Also it was not purrfect or anything close to it. The acting was atrocious. The CGI was awful. The dialogue was a disaster. I don't even think it took place in Gotham! And who was this Patience person? I kept waiting for the real Catwoman to appear and reveal that Patience was the villain! It was a truly terrible experience. And...oh yeah! The line that made me punch myself in the face to see if I was awake and, if I was, I might knock myself out. In the final battle, Sharon Stone says, "Game over!" And Catwoman says, "Guess what? It's overtime!"

Go ahead, those of you lucky enough to have never seen the movie. Take your time drinking in the awfulness of that exchange and how it made it into a movie script. How come Halle Berry gets all the horrible superhero lines? She was also the one in the first X-men movie to deliver that line about how toads being struck by lightning differs very little from when it strikes everything else.

I'm a bit ashamed to say I rated it 5 Stars on Netflix. I rate everything I watch 5 Stars just so that I know I've watched it already.

On the positive note, Catwoman stopped the evil make-up conglomerate from making women's faces fall off!

Um, anyway, J'onn fights with himself for a bit and then rushes off without explaining anything. So now the other aspects of himself need to figure out how to save Earth because is still exists. For now!

You liar, Mister Biscuits. You were homeless.

Since the Living Mars has returned to the solar system, it's no longer a dead world and actually full of angry Martians. They attack because they're not as into poetry and love as I seem to remember them being. Maybe they're violent because their planet is sick and it's still probably going to die. But this time it's taking the Earth with it.

Luckily the Martian Manhunter Body Parts Gang know the leader of the Martians: it's little Alicia! She survived the Blood Magic Ritual and aged twenty years and become a general in the Martian Military! Somehow. I guess the only explanation I need is "Blood Magic Ritual."

She's also not as sweet as she once was.

Martian Manhunter #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story feels like it's gone off the rails. I thought it was a pleasant read when J'onn was confused and trying to find himself and figure out why he was on Earth. I suppose this is still part of that story. Except now instead of a man (martian!) trying to find himself and his place in his adoptive world, it's a time travel space opera revolutionary war story. I'm as confused as Mister Biscuits! And I'm all out of biscuits!

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