Sunday, January 31, 2016

Batman and Robin Eternal #17


Rating: No change. Surprise, surprise! Guess what it took seventeen issues to get the reader to say, "Doi!" Batman didn't shoot a kid's parents that night in Cairo! What a twist! I'm still shaking off the shock of that revelation! I'm all like, "How could a comic book portray an event so inaccurately? Why would comic book creators want to fool me into believing something that would never, ever fucking happen in the whole history of the fucking canon DC Youniverse had happened?! Do they hate me? Are they purposefully fucking with my mind? Am I stupid enough to keep giving them my money so they can pretend to tell me a story that is shocking beyond belief only to eventually get around to sort of muttering under their breath, 'Oh, um, yeah, about that. I sort of, you know, lied.' Bastards!"

I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat about future revelations like how Cassandra was supposed to kill Harper's parents or how Jean-Paul Valley is a huge disappointment to the readers. I mean to Mother. Maybe we can just get to the final page where Dick hugs Bruce before they go into the Batcave to touch tips.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Batgirl #47

Dear Diary! Today I didn't die when I drove my motorcycle off of a roof!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This is the first time in a long time I've read Batgirl without being in Batgirl's Diary mode and I'm wondering how much of my enjoyment of the comic book was actually just the enjoyment of myself? Not like that, pervo!

It's not that I don't like the comic book! I really do. But I think I've overliked the comic book because I'm so in love with my Batgirl Diary entries! Judging this issue on its own merits alone, it's a bit repetitive for my tastes. Babs has another guest crashing on her couch (who totally isn't the bad guy stealing her memories at all because that's too expected!). Babs seems to be betraying herself like when here Oracle AI got out of control. Babs has another talk with her father where her father pretends not to know she's Batgirl. Frankie gets upset with Babs about whatever. Like it matters at this point.

And apparently all the guys in the DCYou are mega-gross assholes that deserve to be physically assaulted. Yet again we have a comic book with a female lead where a woman gets hit on by some lecherous douche and subsequently gets beat down. Don't worry that he was just trying to stop Batgirl and Spoiler from breaking the law. Who do the cops in Gotham think they are? Vigilantes can do whatever they want and justify it accordingly! Especially if the guy they're justifying all over just propositioned Spoiler by inviting her to the police locker room. Ew. Spoiler was right. Mega-gross! Not so much the propositioning but that location? Disgusting!

The issue ends with some guy changing Babs' memories while she sleeps and then grinning at the reader like some creepy motherfucker. You know what? I thought about it and it's probably Greg, the guest on the couch. That guy likes to steal women's panties. Probably because he's a male in the DCYou.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Batman #48

Say goodnight, Commssioner Batman!

Rating: +1 Ranking. There's a lot of talk about gardeners and gardens in this issue because Snyder's analogy finally came to a head and popped. I guess gardening is war and so when you try to garden, the garden gets angry. Or something. I wouldn't know since I like my backyard to have a natural, chaotic look. I'm more like Batman than Commissioner Batman so I don't have any horrible monster plants moving in to teach me a lesson about trying to force too much order on what is a naturally chaotic system. Or, you know, something.

My favorite part is also, on a theoretical level, my least favorite part. I loved the idea of The Joker finally being happy because he has no Bat-obsession to eat away at him. It's kind of heartbreaking to see him plead with Bruce Wayne to leave the Bat behind because The Joker knows what that means for him. He'll go back to being crazy. Which is my least favorite part which ties in with the whole Mister Bloom rising up because Commissioner Gordon took over.

I hate that it's simply an accepted fact that Gotham will always balance in some horrible way. Batman rises to help keep the city safe so The Joker appears to make the city less safe. Commissioner Gordon and the Powers Company ratchet up the level of political and corporate policing and so a wild monster like Mister Bloom appears to effectively counteract it. The message seems to be you can't even attempt to improve the city because some force is going to fight back just as hard to fuck it up. I suppose that's why The Court of Owls work! They understand Gotham's mystical property of maintaining perfect equilibrium and have come up with a system to manage it to the best of their abilities. Maybe they really should just run Gotham?

How about those last few pages, eh? I think maybe it's just time for Alfred to retire. He obviously can't handle this shit anymore.

Batman and Robin Eternal #16

It's filler time!

Rating: No change. Did something happen in this issue? I don't think anything happened in this issue. You were probably supposed to realize that this issue didn't matter when the credits page was layed out differently than all the previous ones.

I mean, of course stuff happened! It's called hyperbole! It's a way of saying "Nothing happened that I fucking cared about and so the issue wasn't important to me and by saying that nothing at all happened, I intellectually justify my personal lack of connection with the material!" If you're a Jason Todd fan because you're a horrible person with some kind of mother complex who needs to cradle him against your bosom and squeeze the cares into him, you might appreciate a plot-oriented reason for him to change his ways. Or maybe you hate that because you like him being a pathetic, lost, unloved dickhole? Whatever the case, I guess it doesn't matter since, at the end of the day, we all have to suffer through DC's decision to back Scott Lobdell's version of Jason Todd. I really do feel sorry for Jason Todd fans! I feel even sorrier for Jason Todd fans that actually think Lobdell is doing a good job! Although I won't make fun of them because it's never cool to make fun of people with obvious traumatic brain injuries.

Jean-Paul Valley didn't die this issue so that's another negative comment on the story. Stupid Valley. I hate him.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #2

Michaelangelo leaps like Nightwing.

Rating: No change. This comic book has Batman so Batman fans will probably like it. This comic book has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans will probably like it. So far, it doesn't have a story that matters if you're not a fan of those things I mentioned. It would be more interesting if it guest starred Banksy.

Batman Loves Superman #28

I get why Batman is surrounded by bats but why is Superman covered in pigeons?

Rating: +3 Ranking. Holy shit! A comic book that's simply about Batman and Superman having and adventure and working together! A comic book about Batman and Superman that doesn't need dozens and dozens of Narration Boxes to explain the theme! A comic book about Batman and Superman that's actually about Batman and Superman! Bruce Wayne is in the costume! Superman has his spit curl! Alfred Pennyworth has two hands!

Okay, that's probably bugging a lot of people. But who the fuck cares? I'll take this over all of the Commissioner Gordon and Powerless Superman crap that's been going on across the last year. Although I'm actually enjoying the story over in Batman because much of it is focused on Bruce Wayne. But Commissioner Batman in previous issues of this title?! Pee-yuke!

Oh? And Lobo's appearance? That's how you fucking write a Lobo comic book! Although I was a bit confused because he was being raped or filling half the page in Narration Boxes or apologizing for not really apologizing.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Action Comics #48

Just give him his fucking powers back instead of sticking him in an idiotic space suit some pulp hero from the 50's would have worn.

My band has landed their second gig tonight! Technically the first gig was cancelled and this gig is just the rescheduling of the first gig. Technically technically, the second gig is just a party that every member of the band has been invited to. Also I don't have a band. It was just a dream I had.

I do intend to mostly stay away from these long form commentaries but occasionally a comic book will start off so poorly that I either write about it or scream at the walls incoherently as I turn the pages super aggressively and curse every god that other people believe in for the existence of Greg Pak.

I admit I'm probably letting my temper get the best of me and that the beginning of the comic can easily be explained by somebody who doesn't want any excuse at all to rail against the state of writing in mainstream comic books today. Like I suppose that enough time has passed for the Justice League to have journey off to the edge of the solar system in their ship with a Faster Than Light drive, discover the anomaly (anomoly! Remember how it was spelled that way in the annual?!), and chase it back to Earth where it crashes into the Watchtower as they dock with the Watchtower at the same time. Or something. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. The only thing that matters is that the entire Justice League have now been rendered helpless by some Supremacists whose weapons can apparently drain any type of super power from any hero. It drains Superman's solar power which is a product of his physiology. It drains The Flash's power which is a product of the Speed Force. It drains Power Ring's power which is a product of alien and alternate dimensional technology. It drains Aquaman's powers which are just his natural abilities. It drains Cyborg's powers which are the product of the Technosapiens or Apokolips or wherever the fuck they're currently from. It drains Lex Luthor's powers which is probably the most understandable since he's just in a suit probably powered by kryptonite. They don't drain Wonder Woman's powers though because she's a god and that would be ridiculous if they could drain a god's powers! Sheesh!

Oh, but they do have a neck brace which nullifies the powers of Greek and Roman gods.

Vandal reveals himself to Superman and explains that he's now got the powers of all of the Justice League. Superman decides to enter reporter mode and get some answers! So he asks Vandal, "What the hell are you planning?" Oh! I hope that works! Maybe Vandal will even explain to Superman how he can be stopped while he's going over all of the details of his plan!

Oh, I just noticed that Vandal also has Hal Jordan captured. I guess that makes sense since Hal finally came back to Earth to battle Sonar. No it doesn't. I'm just trying my best here.

Anyway, Vandal refuses to reveal his plan to Clark. Good try, Kent! Now threaten him a bit and then go get Steel's experimental super suit and go be Superman even without powers! Show everybody that it isn't your powers that make you Superman! It's your gumption! It's your homespun charm! It's your never give up until the cows are back in the barn attitude! It's your playing doctor with a close cousin at a young age determination! Vandal Savage can't win because he didn't grow up on a farm with loving parents! But guess who did?!

"I'm not going to tell you my plan! But I'll hint around enough so that you understand it! I want you to see how I'm better than you! An evil jerk is better than Superman! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Vandal Savage begins bombing Metropolis because it's always nice to watch Superman fail to save people. Clark just has to bend over to pick up his glasses and put them back on so he can see all of the people dying that he can't save. Wrath is out of her box which seems unlikely seeing as how she failed Vandal and now she's criticizing his choices. Put her back in her stupid box! The only kid worth a damn is the fake robot one, Hordr_root!

After bombing Metropolis, he explodes a bunch of angry shadow bombs over the city. Because Wrath's plan was apparently Vandal's main plan. Make everybody into angry shadow monsters because profit!

A little help? He needs to be saved just like everybody else!

Yay! A team that can actually get a job done! At least right up until they also get their powers stolen by Supremacist weapons. Doesn't it seem like an awful lot of DC's comic book conflict stems from super heroes somehow losing their powers? Or their powers being ineffective against an enemy? Why can't any writers imagine more creative ways to challenge the heroes?

A plane crashes or something. I think it's the origin story of the first Black Mass Superhero. Maybe. I don't know. It's just interrupting the story! Although maybe it'll be a better story than the main story? Maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

Superman convinces Steel and Lana to let him use the super suit they've been working on that will kill a normal human wearing it in about fifteen minutes. So Superman will be dead in a few hours. I'm not sure why they're putting a death trap on Clark Kent and sending him out to stop Vandal Savage. Shouldn't the Justice League United call in Martian Manhunter? Or just, you know, got up against Savage without Superman? Or is the big twist ending going to be that the only person that can ultimately defeat Savage is one that doesn't have super powers! And Batman is currently indisposed.

Justice League United guest starring The Atom and Superman infiltrate the Carrier and begin their attack on Savage's henchmen. But it's Superman who has to save the day! The guy without powers who is also dying. He's the guy everybody is counting on! Christ. At this point, I'm more apt to bet on Green Arrow saving the day.

I fucking told you to keep her in the box! Idiot!

And now, even though it made no sense, we see why Wrath was allowed out of the box Vandal had stuffed her in after she failed. Because she had to play the Darth Vader to Vandal Savage's Emperor Palpatine. Unless that's spelled differently. It doesn't really matter though. Wrath is out of the box. The Justice League are back from their journey through the solar system. Justice League United are called in to be assistants to a useless ex-reporter. The Justice League have all had their powers stolen because that's a thing any old technologically advanced weapon can do. I think there must be a mathematical formula that exists to justify plot holes in comic books. Something like the amount of punches added to the number of Boob/Butt Showcases divided by the number of explanatory Narration Boxes equals number of plot holes the audience will forgive.

Wrath causes an explosion or something but Hordr_root appears or something and Wonder Woman and Superman appear outside the Carrier or something and the Justice League United are incapacitated immediately or something. Oh! I realize what happened! There were only a few pages left in the comic book so all of the heroes had to be put down before it ended. Now Vandal has all of the Justice League and all of Justice League United powering his Doomsday Weapon while Superman and Wonder Woman have died because they crashed to Earth after falling out of orbit. Well, maybe Wonder Woman survived. But Superman in just an advanced version of a Metallo suit crashing to Earth? No. He's definitely dead.

Action Comics #48 Rating: -2 Ranking. Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder's control over this story is analogous to a kitten's control over its body when it's suddenly attacked by a piece of string. Although it's far less entertaining. What I'm saying is I should have spent my $3.99 on adopting a kitten and a piece of string.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Batman Beyond #8

Just think of this as Batman Beyond #2 and forget about the first six issues which were really just the end of Futures End!

Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that the Futures End story is behind us and Brother Eye is dead, this comic book room to become interesting. It's like an Elseworlds version of Kamandi except with a lot more non-animal humanoids living in the world. Matt McGinnis gets to be the new Kamandi unless he's actually going to meet the old Kamandi in Metropolis-That-Was. Although Kamandi lived further in the future so just forget all of that crap since Matt is going to become the new Green Lantern instead. I'm still not a fan of Tim Drake but since I don't have to look at him because he's always in the Batman Beyond mask, I'm just pretending he's Irwin Schwab.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Teen Titans #15

But I already ended the Robin War by reading Robin War #2!

An old man in a dusty cowboy hat sits on a park bench. So skinny and frail, his dusty jacket and faded jeans hang off him like he were a wire hanger. He seems sort of folded up on himself as he mutters and spits. He glances up for a second, tears plainly seen streaking down his face. "I miss mah fuckin' horse," he mutters. "Fif'een years she been with me. Going where I gone. Nuzzling mah shoulder when I cain't hardly stand ta look mahself in the mirror. Fuck. Fuckin' miss her, is all." He spits and scuffs his boot across the pavement in front him, tracing some kind of symbol only he recognizes. "It's jus' I ain't got room in mah life for many people, see? So she was important. So important. My bes' friend, I reckon. Might seem sad to some but then mos' persons let lotsa other persons inta their life. I ain't never been lonely nor needed nobody much, reckon. She were all I need, I guess." He spits again and reaches his right hand across his midsection to scratch somewhere beneath the layers of dust and clothes. "Trail jus' don't have the allure it use ta, ya know? It were already tough goin' ever' day even with her by my side, leadin' me on cause she always knowed there be good grass somewheres up ahead. Even if I doubtin' it, she never did. Cause dere always were. Never fail. But what was there ever fer me, see? I never thought to look. Where were I goin' aside from gettin' my horse ta the nex' green patch? I jus' got no more reason ta move on. At leastways, I got no hurry, I reckon. The trail always gonna be temptin' me but it jus' ain't never gonna be the same. And I ain't got no reason to fuckin' hurry, see?" He pauses and looks down as his hands seem to wrestle with each other. He sniffs and his body hitches and he begins to sob.

"It jus' ain't fuckin' right. What I'da gave fer jus' a another year, mayhap. Another few miles. Another few pastures. What good am I now without my best friend?" He wipes at his face and the dirt and dust on his hands turns dark and muddy. He beats his hands against his jeans a bit and coughs from the cloud of unsettled dust. "Well, Francis, better get on, I guess. Cain't sit hyar feelin' sorry fer my old bones forever, hunh? You've lost horses afore, ya know ya did." He reaches out to grip the armrest and begins to pull himself up to a standing position. He wobbles uncertainly for a few seconds before finally standing as erect as he'll ever be. A short and surprising laugh scratches out of his throat and he says, "Mayhap, mayhap. But never lost a horse like that one. Soulmate, I s'pect. Ha! Gettin' too fuckin' sentimental in my old age." He glances up and looks you right in the eye. "It's been good, ya know? Sharin' the trail with you. Real good. But I think we outta part company hyar. I jus'...well, I jus'...I guess my heart's jus' too broke to keep on this hyar trail. Gonna find a new way, reckon. You take care, see?" He smiles, you think, then turns and totters away down the path. He stops after a few feet and pats the pocket on his beige duster while mumbling something incomprehensible. He reaches into the pocket, snorts, and tosses a carrot to the side of the path before lighting out for a new territory.

Teen Titans #15 Rating: You know how I feel about this comic book. It's awful. Anyway, that's about all I've got in me. I want to thank everybody who read these commentaries and understood how truly not serious any of it was. For those who didn't get the joke, fuck off. Kidding! No, I'm not. Seriously, fuck off. I'll still be around reading comics and posting stupid panels to Tumblr, I'm sure. But I've got other shit to do and it's time to just let this project go. Thanks for commenting, commenters! And a special thanks to Artya, wherever he wound up, for...well, for whatever. Being the first, I guess.

For Judas. Thanks for hanging out with me while I read comics, buddy!

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Superman Annual #3

Does Superman have to battle Vandal Savage in every single Superman title?

Vandal Savage gets a bit of an origin story here. It turns out the comet that made him immortal was deflected by Im-el of Krypton thousands of years ago. The Krypton scene does what comic books are supposed to do! It tells the story through pictures and dialogue. It's like a little play on paper. So I get caught off guard when the scene on Earth 50,000 years ago is full of Narration Boxes. Who knew fucking cavemen were so verbose?! Christ! I didn't realize so many words existed back then!

Keep reading

Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

Keep reading

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Justice League of America #6

Hey DC? You do remember that Batman is the only one of these characters without any kind of physical powers, right?

I'm sick of Batman being the most invulnerable hero in the DC Youniverse. Don't try to defend him, you assholes. You know it's true! I get the argument that because he doesn't rely on super powers for his own safety, he's more on his Bat-toes than everybody else. But even Bat-toes can't keep you from being shot in the face forever. How many times has this dick been punched by Killer Croc without anything but Alfred's shaky, arthritic stiches? This guy is unkillable for a reason that has nothing to do with his training and it certainly has nothing to do with super powers giving him invulnerability or regeneration. What's the real story, DC? Batman sold his soul to the devil, didn't he?

Keep reading

Friday, January 15, 2016

Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

Oh! That's a good one, Romantic Batman: "spending time in a wheelchair down by the Seine."

Batman is currently falling off of Notre Dame. But we can ignore that part since it will happen again later after the story starts at the beginning. But first, Batman needs to tell us a little bit about Paris! Listen carefully because if the facts he gives us match the clues, Trojan Horse Sandiego just might be hiding here in Paris! Although that's unlikely because the comic still has one issue to go. I bet the last city will most definitely not be Lisbon.

Surprise! This time The Joker is going to do the book report on the city! Don't worry. I'm not going to repeat what he says. You all know everything you need to know about Paris anyway. The Joker just tells us everything we already knew! Like how they speak French and how they have this thing called the Metro that smells like piss and how every Parisian spends his day at a corner cafe thinking existential thoughts. It sounds fantastic!

Currently the Demented Duo are wandering around the catacombs on their search for Nina and Trojan Horse who's holding her captive. They're also still looking for the cure although if I had to guess, the Trojan Horse will tell them they've had the power to cure their own virus all along! All they have to do is kiss! I don't mean that sexually. I mean it in the figurative and forgiving sense. These two don't need a virus to be killing them. Their relationship is the virus that will eventually be the death of them! The only cure for that? Friendship! And kisses! Deep, long, sultry kisses!

Was this an anal sex joke from Batman?

Obviously this entire story was built around the relationship between The Joker and The Batman with the cities as metaphors for that relationship. So Berlin is a city once divided but later made whole. Batman and Joker must reconcile or they will die. Next was Prague, a city of intellectuals and artists crushed by war. Batman, the intellectual, and Joker, the artist, unable to accomplish anything because their resources are being consumed by their lifelong battle. Now Paris, the city of romance! The two must become much more intimate to save themselves. They must trust each other, caress each other, slowly slide each other's underwear to the soft carpet of a lonely corner apartment overlooking the Champs Elysees. I don't know what the last city would be because I'm American and don't know any European history. It'll probably be either Geneva or London. Geneva because Batman and The Joker need to make peace if they're going to live. London because it's an easy city to write a book report on.

The Joker leads Batman to his own Parisian Clown College under the streets of Paris, Le Cirque du Roi des Clowns. Apparently the people of Paris love The Joker. They love his art, the bunch of surrealist, existentialist bastards.

The Joker and Batman wind up in their corner apartment and Batman ejaculates a Batgrapple across the way to an apartment where they find the man behind the automatons dead. But then the polished bells of Notre-Dame begin to ring and they're off to investigate!

They're getting more and more intimate!

The couple finally confront the villain who infected them inside Notre-Dame. He's wearing a bat costume and Joker make-up because he's nuts. Or is he? I was just going to begin pondering who would want to see Batman and The Joker dead and I realized the answer is "Who wouldn't?!" This guy could be anybody living in Gotham who has had to live through Joker attacks year after year while coming to the realization that The Joker doesn't attack other cities because The Joker is obsessed with Batman. Without Batman, The Joker goes away. So why not kill them both since they're both fucking the citizens of Gotham?

During the battle, the story passes the moment that the comic began with Batman falling to his death. But now, The Joker uses Batman's Batgrapple to save Batman's life. How intimate is that, right? How loving! How sweet and caring and romantic! It's like a fairy tale!

The Batjoker gets away and Batman finds that Nina is dead. She choked on burning coals which is a clue to their next destination: Rome! I don't know why they need to go to Rome. Because it's the birth of Western Civilization as well as the first place where humans discovered Western Civilization isn't immortal? Birth and death? Culture and decay? Something about Christianity?!

Batman Europa #3 Rating: No change. I'm still not super keen on Batman palling around with The Joker but I guess I blame the virus and the fever and the fogginess they cause. The art is interesting and crazy and the story is interesting enough. But Azzarello's dialogue which I'm usually a huge fan of seems stilted and awkward. It's almost as if he's trying too hard to write Azzarello dialogue. Which maybe is the case if Casali is writing the dialogue in parts and he's trying to mimic Azzarello? I have no idea how the writing chores have been split between them. Still, I don't think the DC Youniverse really needs any more Batman/Joker team-ups after this. Batman really should have punched him in the throat at the end of issue one and called in some backup. Maybe bring Alfred in to dress like The Joker! I don't know why that would be needed! I just like the idea!

Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

This issue begins with Batman battling a giant robot in Prague! Dammit! I missed like half the fight because the comic book started in the middle of it! That pisses me off because giant robots fighting is my favorite thing to read about in comic books! Plus Batman mentions the robot already defeated The Joker! I would be super angry right now if I didn't know that comic books love pulling this trick and the story will flashback to sometime before the giant robot fight so that I can read the entire thing.

Batman begins giving an oral report about Prague on the third page. What the fuck am I reading? An educational comic book?! Did DC Comics get government money to publish a comic book that teaches middle-aged men about international cities?! Look, sirs! I do not need to know about Prague! They probably don't even speak English there! I guess I have to know about Prague so I can understand how the city is a metaphor for the relationship between Batman and The Joker! Bah.

The worst part of this entire experience is that I now have the theme song for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? stuck in my head! Fucking Rockapella.

Read this history! It'll probably be important later!

Batman and his new friend Nina have arrived on the last day of Masopust which sounds dirty but is just Pragueish Mardi Gras (which sounds dirtier!). People are in Kill Bill costumes and V for Vendetta costumes and Doom Patrol costumes (although it's probably really an Invisible Man costume) and a bunch of other costumes that don't have "sexy" in front of them because they're doing it wrong. I think Nina isn't supposed to be in costume but she looks like she's in a variant of a Carmen Sandiego costume.

Nina's attacked by Clockwork Men while trying to lure out the person who infected The Joker and Batman with the virus that's killing them and forcing them to work together. Although I don't think The Joker is taking it seriously. Still, he helps Batman battle the Clockwork Men to the beginning of this comic book.

Nina is taking by the Trojan Horse (he's the big villain!) while The Joker is sucked into the chest cavity of the giant clockwork robot Batman was fighting at the beginning. So I guess the story has sort of caught up to the beginning. Now Batman just has to beat the clockwork giant so he can find the clue to the next city to be investigated. Hmm. This really is like Carmen Sandiego.

Batman and The Joker defeat the giant robot and I'm wondering why the story didn't just continue from page two or begin at page three. That intro served no purpose! I mean, it got me excited for a giant robot fight but then the giant robot fight was disappointing and lackluster and now I just wish the first two pages had been left out. Anyway, the Dysfunctional Duo find their next clue.

More often than not, employees of DC Comics spell "cemetery" incorrectly.

And off to Paris they go! Whee.

Batman Europa #2 Rating: No change. I don't see the appeal of this comic book series. Batman and The Joker working together is silly. As if Batman couldn't get Wonder Woman or Superman or The Flash on the case with him while locking up The Joker on the Justice League Satellite with Cyborg pumping him for information. Hell, doesn't Batman know enough scientific geniuses to cure this virus himself? After all the lives The Joker has taken, why would Batman put up with this whole partnership thing? I'd imaging Batman can hardly stand to look at the psychopath! I guess Batman really does have strong feelings for The Joker. I hope the final page of this series is like that first scene in New 52 Catwoman #1! Joker can be stripped down to his hilarious polka dot briefs as he lays across Batman's bear chest, still glowing from his mindbending Bat-orgasm. It really might be leading that way because they're headed to Paris next! Isn't that the romantic capital of the world? I mean, after Lodi, California, of course.

Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

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Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

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Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

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Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

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Thursday, January 14, 2016

Martian Manhunter #7

Oh mighty question mark! You make a simple statement into a startling revelation!

J'onn J'onzz has thrown in with Mars. He's betrayed his adoptive planet and decided Mars is the place for our universe. Beautiful, glorious, too small to retain its own atmosphere Mars! What a jewel! A joy! A terrible place that thinks putting zucchinis in cookies is a fun idea. Fuck Mars. Fuck it right in its Olympus Mons!

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Robin War #2

If the cover is page one, page two is a pile of dead Robins.

Hey DC! Don't have a story arc where a bunch of undead assassins give Batman and the Batfamily a tough time and then expect me to believe that a bunch of amateur kids are going to stand up to them! Even if those kids have had three hours of Bat-training! Although if Damian is the leader of the Talons and he tells them to self-destruct but to make it look good, I can believe that. While some stories have proven the Talons can be as smart as they were while living, I have to believe that they're mostly just dumb automatons that can't be "murderered"; they can merely be "put out of their misery."

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Seriously. Keep reading. We've got a new system!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Batman and Robin Eternal #15

Great! A battle between two of my least favorite characters!

I'm going to try something different because I'm still trying to organize my 2016 writing life. Current Patrons of my Patreon will probably want to read this bit because it pertains most to them: I'm going to return to doing all of my commentaries for free. But they will remain on Patreon as a place where people can choose to support me or not. You probably didn't see it but that "not" was infused with all kinds of judgy side-eye! Ha ha! No, no! Just kidding in the way I always kid which is not really but I don't want everybody to feel uncomfortable so I'm laughing awkwardly now and rushing to the kitchen to get hors-d'oeuvres (when will I ever learn how to spell that word?! Christ! I use it enough in all of my catering fanfic). I'll figure out a way to reward monthly contributors although do I actually have the capability of producing something that somebody would consider a "reward"? Probably not. The main reason I'm doing this is because I love writing commentary on comic books. I also love to be paid for them. But I do so many that I need to stop stressing over how spectacularly awesome every one turns out since I know people are paying to read them. If people are just paying because they know putting some coins in the hat as they pass by my emaciated and shivering and not drunk at all body (well, not too drunk) is just the right thing to do then I don't mind pumping out a bunch of shit commentaries just to fucking knock down this ever growing pile of to-be-read comic books!

One thing contributors will get will be copies of my cribbage role-playing game, cRPGe!, when I finally finish it. And, after finishing the introductory book and module, they'll receive any other modules for free as well. Everybody else will have to pay for them via Kindle or some weird website that does PDFs on demand or--and this isn't actually going to be an option so why am I saying it--printed up and sent out by my own hands! Ugh. That sounds awful. Why do people put themselves in positions where they have to do things that don't involve sex, food, or video games?

This is the place where I put the "Keep reading" link which will send you to the Patreon page to finish reading the now free commentaries. Unless you're already on Patreon. Then you'll just continue to the next paragraph without any interruptions.

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Harley Quinn #23

Blood in the water? Whut.

I want a job writing the captions on the covers of comic books. Apparently you don't need to make any sense at all. "Hey, it's a shower scene! There's water in showers! And Harley is going to beat the crap out of a lot of people in the shower! And there's blood in people! Oh! 'Blood in the water!' Nailed it!"

I should apologize to whoever came up with "blood in the water" because I've been trying to think of a better caption for the cover and I can't do it. I mean, I can do it! I can think up a whole bunch of them! But every single one can easily be purposefully misinterpreted by fascist youth bullyboys as being a prison rape joke. So I'll just quietly go on to reading the comic book rather than listing my hilarious captions because I don't have the time or the patience to be Youthsplained to by humorless internet youths making the world a better place through bullying.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Superman: American Alien #2

I always suspected Clark Kent was hiding a murder rap in his sealed juvenile files.

I'm pretty sure if I had grown up with super strength, I would have killed at least a half dozen people. All completely by accident of course! One dead while playing goalie during a game of street hockey. One dead from spinning him on a merry-go-round at the park. One dead from a line drive during phys ed. Neighbor killed by super semen exiting my penis like rocket propelled buckshot. It'd take a lot of trial and error to gauge how much strength to put into every activity. How many amputees were running around Smallville after high-fiving Clark down at the bowling alley?

The last issue was called "Dove" even though it didn't have anything to do with peace and had everything to do with unwanted erections. What do doves have to do with erections? Am the story of Noah and the flood supposed to turn me on? Oh! I bet it was called "Dove" because Superman learned how to fly. Well, this issue is called "Hawk" because Superman is going to learn how to fly again! Or catch field mice and unleashed chihuahuas.

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Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1

I'd prefer it if they were called Teenage*D* Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out right around when I began collecting comic books. I did not pick up an issue because I could not predict the future. Also I don't think I knew it existed until sometime in its third or fourth printing. And even then, I really wasn't interested in owning it. I mean, did you see the weird colors on the cover? So amateurish! Or artsy? What did I know?! I was thirteen! I thought great art was the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. But since that time, I've learned how to invest in comic books! If an independent comic books comes out and one of the creator's names ends with "man", the book is going to be valuable! I may have missed the Eastman pile of money but I didn't miss the Kirkman pile! I hope The Walking Dead does a crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

I think I read my cousin's copies of the first three or four issues of the original Turtles but I don't really remember much of it. I remember the little regular baby turtles around the radioactive puddle before they transformed and that's about it. And even that might be a false memory! And I was too old to think the movie Turtles were cool when they came out so I really don't have much experience with them. I know they were a parody of Daredevil, they loved pizza because Domino's is the only joint shitty enough to deliver to a sewer address, and Donatello is the one with the purple sash and the stick. That reminds me! I did play quite a bit of the arcade game and I always chose to be Donatello.

The story begins with a scientist telling Batman bullshit stories about the Ninja Turtles. The Foot Clan attacked her place of work and stole a generator that could power the world and/or a super weapon. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to stop them. They at least stopped the Foot Clan from killing the scientists but did the scientists thank them?! No! They just called them ugly monsters with uncontrollable adolescent erections and then called Batman in to destroy them. Batman, being a great detective, decides one eyewitness's assumptions of her perceptions is the only lead he needs and he promises to stop those gross Wereturtles.

If I were a pizza delivery person, I would not deliver to a seedy location without an actual address. Also, I would deliver pizza in a car instead of walking.

Batman goes over the clues to all of the crimes involving stolen technology in Gotham recently and he's flummoxed because the bad guys don't seem to be attacking him directly or trying to simply fuck up Gotham in retaliation against the Batman. They've actually got a criminal agenda that doesn't involve him at all! It's totally fucking crazy. Who do these criminals think they are?! Batman concludes that they're either stealing the technology to build something to use against him later or else maybe they're new at the crime game in Gotham and they don't realize that it's all supposed to be about Batman. So rude. But he'll teach them!

Batman surmises they'll attack Wayne Enterprises next because his company has the best stuff.

I hope Batman and April O'Neil fuck.

Killer Croc plans on stripping the Batmobile while Batman is beating up turtles. Croc knows where the Batmobile is because he has the Where is Batman?! App available for eighty thousand dollars at the app store. That seems like a small price to pay to follow Batman back to his lair and loot it. So why does Killer Croc only want to loot the Batmobile?! And where did Killer Croc get eighty grand for the app?! Shouldn't he have spent the money on supplies for his army of homeless masses?

Killer Croc runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' lair so he'll probably miss out on looting the Batmobile. Unless Batman takes too long beating up hundreds of Foot Clan Ninjas. There are always hundreds of them, right?

I hope The Predator and some real Aliens show up in this comic book too!

Batman beats up most of the Foot Clan but he doesn't get any new clues because Shredder appears and kills all of the clues before Batman can beat them almost to death. Actually, Batman does get one clue! One of the Foot Clan mentions "the turtles," so now Batman knows he's looking for...well, okay, that clue is kind of confusing. He probably still doesn't know what he's looking for. Although Shredder told him that if he just butts out, Gotham will be fine. Shredder doesn't realize that Batman has one superpower and it's the power to not butt out ever and most especially when somebody tells him to do so.

It's a good thing Batman has more luck on his side than World's Greatest Detective Skills and so he just happens to learn the meaning of the clue when he heads back to the car.

And one large rat! Don't forget the rat!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1 Rating: This is a novelty comic book! I'm not going to lower myself to rating and reviewing novelty comic books! What am I? A clown?! I will read next issue though! I bet Batman kicks the asses of all of the turtles but is fatigued enough for Master Splinter to beat the shit out of him. Then Master Splinter, being a kind and compassionate rat ninja master, will take Batman back to the Turtles' new underground lair where he'll tend to his wounds and revive him. Batman will hear the Turtles talking like teenagers and realize that they're heroes like him! Well, not like him. More like Daredevil. Although Daredevil is a lot like Batman. So maybe they are like him.

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

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Monday, January 11, 2016

Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

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New Suicide Squad #15

I'm not bragging when I say I could draw a better cover because this cover is crap and I draw slightly better than crap.

Deadshot, Boomerang, Harley, and probably Parasite have decided to work with Amanda Waller because she's offered them their freedom if they help her destroy Vic Sage. She must have been crossing her fingers when she made that deal because the Suicide Squad movie is just on the horizon and it stars Harley, Deadshot, and Boomerang. So fans of the movie are going to be expecting those characters in the Squad in the coming year. Although they might be surprised to find Floyd Lawton looks less like the Fresh Prince and more like Pornstache.

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Sunday, January 10, 2016

Green Arrow #47

Sticks and stones would make more sense if Tarantula's super power had something to do with rocks.

Today, Matan4il responded to something I said on Tumblr with "Uh...tessatechaitea, were you being sarcastic and I missed it?" Then the person went on to explain why I was an idiot if I wasn't being sarcastic. You really have to appreciate how the humorless are sure to begin responding to something by taking a shot at you. I get the tone of your question, Matan4il! I hear you calling me a fucking idiot who is too stupid to get sarcasm right! Obviously it's easier to point out how stupid somebody is being than checking the person's blog to see the tone of it before making a judgment. Although it is much easier to assume I'm a dolt and then ask me to clarify thus pulling me right into your stupid fucking issues. I'm sorry for entertaining myself in a public forum! It won't happen again!

It especially won't happen while I'm reading Percy's Green Arrow. I certainly won't be having any fun while reading this garbage.

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Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

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Friday, January 8, 2016

Swamp Thing #1

I recently mentioned that "The Anatomy Lesson" was when the Swamp Thing finally became interesting and relevant. So it's a shame that Alan Moore isn't writing this mini-series. Instead, I'm going to have to put up with Len Wein on scripting duties. Seriously?! What does this guy know about Swamp Thing?! Oh sure. He created the character. But who cares?! Rob Liefeld created Deadpool too! But can you imagine Liefeld writing Deadpool as the character he is today?! It would be a disaster! Now imagine if he were drawing it as well?! Hmm. Hey, Marvel Comics? I know you're not reading this because nobody in the business reads this. But just in case you accidentally are reading this because you thought it was an important piece of journalism by Comic Book Resources or one of the other shit comic book websites, could you get Rob to draw and write a Deadpool mini-series? I'd really appreciate it because I could use a good laugh.

Liefeld and Deadpool probably isn't the best analogy to Len Wein and Swamp Thing because Len Wein is respected in the comic book business. But he is older and I'm always a bit worried when I'm reading something written by somebody returning to their halcyon younger days. Remember how Marv Wolfman sucked his own asshole dry in the Trigon Villains Month book? And I hate to say this because I loved his Suicide Squad run more than I love my own mother, but John Ostrander didn't really big much of a passing game to his Others scripts. And by "passing game," I don't mean American football. I mean passing as in grades and he didn't get an A at all. Or any of the other letters that aren't F.

But I'm hopeful! Hope is all I've got! And Faith! And Demeter! Although Demeter hates when I only tip her in ones so I tend to sit at Hope or Faith's stage.

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Thursday, January 7, 2016

Batman and Robin Eternal #14

Fish mouth. Left Batleg way too fucking long. Weird, incomprehensible smoke wafting out of an object. Just enough style and competency for Fangenders to rave about it. Must be a David Finch cover.

The internet is so full of free shit that nobody should be surprised when people feel entitled to it all for free. So I'd like to thank the people who are supporting me for doing something which I love to do but really can't see doing for much longer if it doesn't provide income. I guess I spend a lot of time playing Call of Duty and masturbating for free but I'm uncomfortable turning those hobbies into revenues sources. For one, I'd really have to bone up on my trash talk on Call of Duty. I suppose all the things I say to myself after masturbating would work! "You suck! You're garbage! You should just kill yourself, you pathetic, lustful, hellbound monster!" Well, most of it would work.

Anyway, the reason I decided to use Patreon for revenue was because most sites probably won't mind me criticizing a comic book but they might think twice about me criticizing a writer's mother's vagina and the writer's father's malformed penis (the writer I'm talking about knows who he is). The other option which most people use is advertising. Fuck advertising. For one of the few really popular sites on the web, I could see advertising working just fine. They could pick and choose who they want to advertise with them. They'd have total control. But as small blog on the web, I feel like I wouldn't have enough control over the ads that would appear on the site. Besides, Google wouldn't let me use their advertising service because, apparently, their advertisers don't want to show up on sites that are adult. I'm not using "adult" as a euphemism for "porn." I mean "adult" as in writing that speaks frankly about things adults talk about. And by "adults" in that last sentence, I mean "most likely non-American adults because American adults are fucking prudish, childish grownups."

I'd still like to provide my "reviews" for free but it's a compromise I have to make so that people who pay get something more than people who don't pay. Because I prefer receiving one dollar over a bunch of likes and reblogs. What kind of capital is that?! What is the exchange rate on reblogs?

When this site began, it was mostly to get me writing daily and to help me remember the comic books (and to get more out of them than a quick ten minute read and done). Then I thought maybe I could build an audience for when I write something real. Then I realized I was writing something real a couple times a day every single day and it was how I wanted to spend my time writing. So now I'm asking for money. It may or may not be internet blasphemy but it's the choice I've made. You'd think it would be supported when you see the hundreds of thousands of reblogs on posts about how artists should get paid for their art. But, of course, those are reblogged by people who don't actually want to be the ones paying for the art they want to consume; they're by people who want businesses to pay for the art that they want to consume for free. You know what? Fuck those shits. Although here's a free Batman and Robin Eternal review for them (and everybody else!) to enjoy!

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Constantine the Hellblazer #7

Worst picnic ever. Which is pretty bad because picnics are shit.

Do Millennials know what picnics are? Are they even allowed to go outside? Do they want to?! I mean, obviously they want to get outside of their parent's supervision which means going out of their parent's house. But that's just to get inside somewhere else, right? Outside is boring and gross and probably Islamophobic. Not that I ever really wanted to go outside much in the eighties once I got my Apple IIe computer. But I sort of had to go outside to hang out with my friends because we weren't tethered by a mass of devices which provided instant communication with each other. We had to drag our asses somewhere else to speak face to face. It was awful! Although all the girls I had crushes on were friends of my female cousin so I always wanted to be at my aunt and uncle's house anyway. And all the biking I did riding BMX bikes up from the valley to the top of the Santa Cruz Mountains and, occasionally over the other side into Santa Cruz, I didn't really want to do! I mean, it made me fit and gave me a body that women wanted to have sex with, so that was a good thing. And it allowed me to spend time with my friends who loved the torturous ride up the mountain. And I did love the ride down the mountain even if it almost cost me my life on a couple of occasions! But all that exercise and outdoor air and weather and sun and crap?! I'd rather have been home playing an Infocom game or the new Wizardry!

This issue is called "Twisted Anatomy" which is probably some kind of sly wink at the time Swamp Thing became a character worth reading. I'm not going to argue with anybody who thought Swamp Thing was a good comic book before Alan Moore's "Anatomy Lesson" because you're wrong and I don't want to waste my time. Just suck up the loss this time and shake my hand and congratulate me on winning this debate and we'll get back to Constantine.

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