Sunday, January 31, 2016

Batman and Robin Eternal #17


Rating: No change. Surprise, surprise! Guess what it took seventeen issues to get the reader to say, "Doi!" Batman didn't shoot a kid's parents that night in Cairo! What a twist! I'm still shaking off the shock of that revelation! I'm all like, "How could a comic book portray an event so inaccurately? Why would comic book creators want to fool me into believing something that would never, ever fucking happen in the whole history of the fucking canon DC Youniverse had happened?! Do they hate me? Are they purposefully fucking with my mind? Am I stupid enough to keep giving them my money so they can pretend to tell me a story that is shocking beyond belief only to eventually get around to sort of muttering under their breath, 'Oh, um, yeah, about that. I sort of, you know, lied.' Bastards!"

I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat about future revelations like how Cassandra was supposed to kill Harper's parents or how Jean-Paul Valley is a huge disappointment to the readers. I mean to Mother. Maybe we can just get to the final page where Dick hugs Bruce before they go into the Batcave to touch tips.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #1

The title of this comic book is too long.

Rating: About 20 of about 52.

For just one dollar more than most comic books, you get two stories that are pretty much better than a lot of the monthly shit on the shelves. It's also possible that because I've been infatuated with Deadshot since Ostrander's Suicide Squad and with Katana even longer since Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders, I might be going easy on this comic.

Deadshot is portrayed just about how I expect him to be portrayed. He's fairly apathetic, has a--somewhat tone-down--death wish, and understands exactly how far he can push Amanda Waller's buttons before she reins him in. Also, he has family issues. Usually they're about his daughter but apparently they're about his father this time. Don't worry if you're thinking, "But...but...his father?! I read the Villains Month book and that doesn't make any sense!" It's a fucking comic book. Comic book history is only as true as the current writer and the story that writer wants to tell. It's all explained really neatly so that the reader will nod in agreement and say, "Yep! That totally makes sense!" I mean, you know, it's pointed out that he's a liar.

The Katana story has a whole bunch of throwbacks to Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders which is understandable since it's written by him. We get to see Markovia, Kobra, Dr. Jace, and the kitten that Katana will probably eventually give to Halo. I mean, maybe not that last part but whatever. Fuck you.

Speaking of the cat! I'm not sure where Barr is going with that aspect of the story unless he simply threw it in to tie this Katana run to Nocenti's Katana run because holy fuck was it a weird enough sidebar to have been a Nocenti moment!

Anyway, I hope the little girl who decides to help Katana becomes Halo because Halo is seriously needed in the DC You. I think I called Dr. Jace appearing in some other comic book for the first time and then was disappointed when it wasn't her. But now that she's back, I'm guessing Halo has to be next! Except they're in Markovia so fucking Geoforce will probably appear first. Ugh!

Daredevil #3

Why does Marvel have three places for the number of the issue? As if they'll ever allow a comic book to have that many issues ever again!

Rating: No change. I still think this comic book is an allegory for masturbation. Blindness, an obsession with hands, the fact that it makes me masturbate, the title anagrammed to "Dread Evil". Totally about masturbation.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Doctor Fate #8

:( is right.

Rating: -2 Ranking. This may be the most boring comic book to ever make it to issue #8 ever! EVER! It's not even interestingly bad enough to make fun of. It's just a boring waste of time about a character who continues to believe he's dreaming or tripping or going crazy. Although he had two different mystic people (maybe three?!) tell him he's not going crazy and that he needs to do the will of Allah or God or Yahweh or Bast or whatthefuckever. He does do some heroic shit but--as I've mentioned a boring number of times--it's fucking boring. I might as well be reading a comic book about a guy cleaning toilets and bitching about how he has to clean toilets all day. I don't know if it would be more entertaining but at least I'd know what to expect from a comic book called Janitor Johnson. When I pick up a Doctor Fate comic book, I expect magic and adventure! Instead I know what I get. How many times do I have to say it?!

Batgirl #47

Dear Diary! Today I didn't die when I drove my motorcycle off of a roof!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This is the first time in a long time I've read Batgirl without being in Batgirl's Diary mode and I'm wondering how much of my enjoyment of the comic book was actually just the enjoyment of myself? Not like that, pervo!

It's not that I don't like the comic book! I really do. But I think I've overliked the comic book because I'm so in love with my Batgirl Diary entries! Judging this issue on its own merits alone, it's a bit repetitive for my tastes. Babs has another guest crashing on her couch (who totally isn't the bad guy stealing her memories at all because that's too expected!). Babs seems to be betraying herself like when here Oracle AI got out of control. Babs has another talk with her father where her father pretends not to know she's Batgirl. Frankie gets upset with Babs about whatever. Like it matters at this point.

And apparently all the guys in the DCYou are mega-gross assholes that deserve to be physically assaulted. Yet again we have a comic book with a female lead where a woman gets hit on by some lecherous douche and subsequently gets beat down. Don't worry that he was just trying to stop Batgirl and Spoiler from breaking the law. Who do the cops in Gotham think they are? Vigilantes can do whatever they want and justify it accordingly! Especially if the guy they're justifying all over just propositioned Spoiler by inviting her to the police locker room. Ew. Spoiler was right. Mega-gross! Not so much the propositioning but that location? Disgusting!

The issue ends with some guy changing Babs' memories while she sleeps and then grinning at the reader like some creepy motherfucker. You know what? I thought about it and it's probably Greg, the guest on the couch. That guy likes to steal women's panties. Probably because he's a male in the DCYou.

The Legend of Wonder Woman #1

I'm already confused by this.

Rating: 22 out of 52 or something. I would have enjoyed this issue without all of the narrative stuff at the beginning but I guess the whole Diana is Zeus's daughter and the Amazons are rapists stuff needed to be sent back down to the People Got Angry At These Ideas Department. That's really okay because they were part of Azzarello's Wonder Woman run and anything he needed for his story doesn't matter anymore because now Wonder Woman is being debased by the Finches and everything is totally different now.

Hippolyta is a pathetic wretch who somehow can't find any meaning in her life without having a child of her own. You're a fucking queen! Every Amazon is your child! You shouldn't need a lump of animated clay to make you feel your life is worth living. Stop being so selfish! Although I do like that when the moment comes and a soul enters into some wet sand to create Diana, the story leaves it vague as to where that soul came from. Is Diana the reason that darkness is now invading the island? Did Hippolyta accept a soul from some monstrous power?! Is Diana the daughter of Cthulhu?!

The story becomes far more entertaining once Diana becomes eight or ten or, if this were David Finch's art, twenty-eight.

Regular Artist Depiction of Wonder Woman at ten or David Finch Depiction of Wonder Woman at twenty-eight?

The story becomes a Dungeons and Dragons Adventure which really appeals to the twelve year old boy that I will forever be (except now with much better hygiene and the understanding of that joke about why the Go-Gos can't get pregnant).

I look forward to the issue when Diana is in Degrassi Amazon Junior High and has to shower for the first time with her classmates. I mean Degrassi Amazon High School! I mean Degrassi Amazon Community College!

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Harley Quinn #24

This cover is getting ahead of itself.

Rating: -1 Ranking. More of the same. Simply being a Harley Quinn comic book doesn't mean it shouldn't also be interesting! Look. We all know this book is going to sell like Harley Quinn Cakes no matter what it's like. But I have a feeling DC thinks that a compelling story and funny jokes wouldn't really increase its sales, so why bother? At least this issue isn't just some beaver jokes, a cock named Mike because hilarious, and lots of chaotic violence! It also has dogs humping things and women flashing their boobs while guys get their heads blown off by shotguns! Now I'm not sure what got me titallated and I'm super confused!

At least the next issue seems interesting because The Joker guest stars! Continuity nerds might want to take a sedative before reading it.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Detective Comics #48

These adult coloring books are the most bullshit fad and a fucking absurd waste of time!

Rating: No change. Gotham's newest menace should just get into adult coloring books because he's really into wasting an absurd amount of time himself! He's killing Gotham's regular heroes by dressing them up in the guise of heroes from the past in authentic outfits. But wait! That's not all the work he's putting into his crime! He's also dressing like the old timey hero he's killing and only speaking in quotes by them! This guy is running on a level of crazy that simply exhausts me! Tell riddles! Play pranks! Fetishize plants! Fuck a puppet! I can get behind that shit! But doing this much research, sewing, and memorizing of quotes? Ugh! It's just not worth whatever statement this maniac is trying to make! This fictional character just put more effort into murder than I've put into making something of myself! I need a nap after reading this book!

Batman #48

Say goodnight, Commssioner Batman!

Rating: +1 Ranking. There's a lot of talk about gardeners and gardens in this issue because Snyder's analogy finally came to a head and popped. I guess gardening is war and so when you try to garden, the garden gets angry. Or something. I wouldn't know since I like my backyard to have a natural, chaotic look. I'm more like Batman than Commissioner Batman so I don't have any horrible monster plants moving in to teach me a lesson about trying to force too much order on what is a naturally chaotic system. Or, you know, something.

My favorite part is also, on a theoretical level, my least favorite part. I loved the idea of The Joker finally being happy because he has no Bat-obsession to eat away at him. It's kind of heartbreaking to see him plead with Bruce Wayne to leave the Bat behind because The Joker knows what that means for him. He'll go back to being crazy. Which is my least favorite part which ties in with the whole Mister Bloom rising up because Commissioner Gordon took over.

I hate that it's simply an accepted fact that Gotham will always balance in some horrible way. Batman rises to help keep the city safe so The Joker appears to make the city less safe. Commissioner Gordon and the Powers Company ratchet up the level of political and corporate policing and so a wild monster like Mister Bloom appears to effectively counteract it. The message seems to be you can't even attempt to improve the city because some force is going to fight back just as hard to fuck it up. I suppose that's why The Court of Owls work! They understand Gotham's mystical property of maintaining perfect equilibrium and have come up with a system to manage it to the best of their abilities. Maybe they really should just run Gotham?

How about those last few pages, eh? I think maybe it's just time for Alfred to retire. He obviously can't handle this shit anymore.

Batman and Robin Eternal #16

It's filler time!

Rating: No change. Did something happen in this issue? I don't think anything happened in this issue. You were probably supposed to realize that this issue didn't matter when the credits page was layed out differently than all the previous ones.

I mean, of course stuff happened! It's called hyperbole! It's a way of saying "Nothing happened that I fucking cared about and so the issue wasn't important to me and by saying that nothing at all happened, I intellectually justify my personal lack of connection with the material!" If you're a Jason Todd fan because you're a horrible person with some kind of mother complex who needs to cradle him against your bosom and squeeze the cares into him, you might appreciate a plot-oriented reason for him to change his ways. Or maybe you hate that because you like him being a pathetic, lost, unloved dickhole? Whatever the case, I guess it doesn't matter since, at the end of the day, we all have to suffer through DC's decision to back Scott Lobdell's version of Jason Todd. I really do feel sorry for Jason Todd fans! I feel even sorrier for Jason Todd fans that actually think Lobdell is doing a good job! Although I won't make fun of them because it's never cool to make fun of people with obvious traumatic brain injuries.

Jean-Paul Valley didn't die this issue so that's another negative comment on the story. Stupid Valley. I hate him.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Green Lantern #48

Hal and Sinestro compare penises.

Rating: No change. A whole lot of people scream "Sonar!" this issue. So if you were looking for a place to read the word "sonar" over and over again, I recommend picking up this issue. It's fantastic word porn if the only word that gets you off is "sonar."

At one point, Hal discovers that the Modoran terrorists' heads explode when they scream "Free Modora!" in Modoran. He instantly does not fly to Modora, buy a Modoran phrasebook, practice the phrase "Free Modora!" for a few hours, create a massive light bullhorn, and yell "Free Modora!" in Modoran into it. I don't think he really cares about stopping Sonar.

Parallax tries to recreate Oa but only manages to make a big turd. Speaking of big turds, I'll spare you my recent bathroom travails! Oh man. I can't believe I survived! How unfair is it to have opiate constipation when I've only ever had a couple of Vicodin across my entire life?! I'm not even sure my Cousin Jason has ever forced out such a massive crap and he broke (not just clogged!) a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just his movement (you know, sans paper!)! I admire that man!

I can't believe it was this comic book that reminded me of a huge shit and not Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Green Arrow #48

I forgot to draw a penis on Ollie.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Oliver Queen is ashamed of being white and rich. Therefore he decides to get a disease so he can experience what it's like to be sick and abnormal like people who are not white and rich. Now people will look at him differently which will teach him empathy which is something rich white people can't develop any other way. Now he feels good because people see him as a monster!

Hey Ollie! Being rich and white already made people see you as a monster! You didn't need a degenerative disease for that to happen! You know what actually separates you from the disenfranchised? You have the resources to cure your stupid disease when you get tired of having it! Asshole.

So now Green Arrow is a werewolf because it makes him more interesting, I guess? Just like Aquaman was given every single power in existence because he was way too boring too. And Superman was more powerful than he should be so now he's a weak piece of shit. And Batman is dead (or at least might as well be). Wonder Woman is still basically Wonder Woman but she's being written and drawn by a husband and wife team who I'm not totally convinced aren't misogynists. In other words, DC Comics hates their heroes and will do anything to make them not them.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Constantine the Hellblazer #8

This cover is aesthetically comforting.

Rating: +1 Ranking. At eight issues in, if you haven't realized that this version of Constantine is nearly just as good as the Vertigo version of Hellblazer and nothing like the shitty pale New 52 imitation Constantine then I'm now letting you know that you've missed eight issues of really fucking good Constantine stories. Did that make sense? Fuck it. Who cares. I'm not retyping a whole goddamned sentence simply because it might not be comprehensible! I'm dying here!

I mean, not that I'm dying of any impending disease or anything. I'm just dying in the way that we're all dying and every second of life is precious! So I'd rather be misunderstood than waste more time trying to get people to understand me! I know what I meant! I think. I mean, sometimes I confuse myself which seems odd because I only have one brain and you'd think that it would just understand itself without language or anything, right? Like, say, it obviously wants me to have sex with women because that's what The Bible says but then it's all, "Look at the cock outline in that guy's pants!" That's confusing, right?! Then I have to tell it, "Look, brain! Sexuality is a choice and we've chosen to be heterosexual because it's Jesus's favorite way of fucking! So stop picturing all of the cocks in your mouth."

That was all a lie. I just made up a lie because I want to be cool and you can't be cool being a white, cis-het, middle-aged male genius on Tumblr. Emphasis on the "big cock." I mean "genius." I lied again but I won't tell you what I just lied about because then you'd know my cock isn't that big.

Catwoman #48

This cover tells the potential customer everything they need to know about the book. It's Catwoman starring Catwoman. That might make Catwoman fans think, "Oh! I should by this!" But don't miss the other super secret information on the cover about Frank Tieri! That part says, "Don't buy this."

Rating: No change. This isn't really as bad as I was expecting with Frank Tieri writing it. The downside of that statement is that I expected a bordering on racist, possibly homophobic, almost certainly misogynistic story! So when it turned out it wasn't those things and it's just a bland story that's been told hundreds of times before in barely varying ways about a burglar who is double crossed and then has a hit put out on her, I was pleasantly surprised! Good job, Tieri!

Although the part where Tesla tells Selina she looks like Michelle Pfeiffer made me wince as I imagined the "I'm-too-fucking-clever-for-comic-books!" smile which most assuredly spread across Frank Tieri's probably really handsome and striking face (I decided to look him up since I've never seen him before and he looks like a combination between Brian O'Halloran and Henning Wehn). That part only got weirder as Inaki Miranda decided to draw Oswald Cobblepot like Danny Devito!

One more thought on the beginning of this book! Catwoman mentions how burgling in New York is dangerous because the cops are apt to just shoot you rather than do paper work. If that's the case, why did she hang around at the end of the last issue and risk being killed when she easily could have jumped back out the window which is what she did anyway after things became way more dangerous? I think Selina Kyle might be dumber than she was two months ago!

Earth Too: Society #8

In this issue, Hawkcop lives up to the nickname I gave her.

Rating: +2 Ranking. It's much better than it was. I still have a lot of problems with it but they're all based on the believability of the science fiction account of building a new world. I'm also not clear if Abnett understands that the "terraforming" was done by Green Lantern and not the science of the Earth-Twofers or if I've completely forgotten how Earth-Too was terraformed. I'm pretty sure it was totally Alan but when Green Lantern begins investigating a bioweapon that could have been a resut of the terraforming, he doesn't speak up and say, "Oh, my bad!" Dick. Maybe the multiple failed terraforming events using the Earth-2 Data corrupted the world.

One of the main conflicts between the city-states of Earth-Too is over power and resources. Green Lantern doesn't want the world erupting into war over limited resources and struggles over powering the cities so I don't know why he isn't creating those resources since he created the whole entire fucking ecosystem. Get to work, asshole!

Kendra is a Hawkcop through and through. She expects people whose home she's invaded to answer her questions while she shoots at them. What a fucking rectum.

My favorite character right now is The Sandman because he's not a fucking hypocrite. I also hope Val-zod regains his pacifistic nature. I need a Superman who is compassionate and not a Superman who punches things until they're quiet and he can go back to writing articles about how awesome he is and then sign a different name to them.

One last thing: are the women of Earth-Too suffering from some kind of vitamin deficiency or are they all knock-kneed because Jimenez is more concerned about the amount of negative space he creates beneath their vaginas than drawing them correctly?

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #2

Michaelangelo leaps like Nightwing.

Rating: No change. This comic book has Batman so Batman fans will probably like it. This comic book has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans will probably like it. So far, it doesn't have a story that matters if you're not a fan of those things I mentioned. It would be more interesting if it guest starred Banksy.

Batman Loves Superman #28

I get why Batman is surrounded by bats but why is Superman covered in pigeons?

Rating: +3 Ranking. Holy shit! A comic book that's simply about Batman and Superman having and adventure and working together! A comic book about Batman and Superman that doesn't need dozens and dozens of Narration Boxes to explain the theme! A comic book about Batman and Superman that's actually about Batman and Superman! Bruce Wayne is in the costume! Superman has his spit curl! Alfred Pennyworth has two hands!

Okay, that's probably bugging a lot of people. But who the fuck cares? I'll take this over all of the Commissioner Gordon and Powerless Superman crap that's been going on across the last year. Although I'm actually enjoying the story over in Batman because much of it is focused on Bruce Wayne. But Commissioner Batman in previous issues of this title?! Pee-yuke!

Oh? And Lobo's appearance? That's how you fucking write a Lobo comic book! Although I was a bit confused because he was being raped or filling half the page in Narration Boxes or apologizing for not really apologizing.

Gotham Academy #14

This year book was put together by amateurs.

Rating: No change. This issue is frivolous fun. It's one of those books where it's a bunch of stories collected together in one place instead of one big story. Most people have a word for that kind of thing. You could even find it in the dictionary if you had any idea where to start. Or you could just read the entire dictionary straight through until you found the word that described what I just described about stories in a collection. The word has something to do with getting crap for free and then maybe also a synonym for a stack and then the lower part of a person's leg!

I wonder if I should buy a dictionary? Do they come in calculator form?

Friday, January 22, 2016

Action Comics #48

Just give him his fucking powers back instead of sticking him in an idiotic space suit some pulp hero from the 50's would have worn.

My band has landed their second gig tonight! Technically the first gig was cancelled and this gig is just the rescheduling of the first gig. Technically technically, the second gig is just a party that every member of the band has been invited to. Also I don't have a band. It was just a dream I had.

I do intend to mostly stay away from these long form commentaries but occasionally a comic book will start off so poorly that I either write about it or scream at the walls incoherently as I turn the pages super aggressively and curse every god that other people believe in for the existence of Greg Pak.

I admit I'm probably letting my temper get the best of me and that the beginning of the comic can easily be explained by somebody who doesn't want any excuse at all to rail against the state of writing in mainstream comic books today. Like I suppose that enough time has passed for the Justice League to have journey off to the edge of the solar system in their ship with a Faster Than Light drive, discover the anomaly (anomoly! Remember how it was spelled that way in the annual?!), and chase it back to Earth where it crashes into the Watchtower as they dock with the Watchtower at the same time. Or something. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. The only thing that matters is that the entire Justice League have now been rendered helpless by some Supremacists whose weapons can apparently drain any type of super power from any hero. It drains Superman's solar power which is a product of his physiology. It drains The Flash's power which is a product of the Speed Force. It drains Power Ring's power which is a product of alien and alternate dimensional technology. It drains Aquaman's powers which are just his natural abilities. It drains Cyborg's powers which are the product of the Technosapiens or Apokolips or wherever the fuck they're currently from. It drains Lex Luthor's powers which is probably the most understandable since he's just in a suit probably powered by kryptonite. They don't drain Wonder Woman's powers though because she's a god and that would be ridiculous if they could drain a god's powers! Sheesh!

Oh, but they do have a neck brace which nullifies the powers of Greek and Roman gods.

Vandal reveals himself to Superman and explains that he's now got the powers of all of the Justice League. Superman decides to enter reporter mode and get some answers! So he asks Vandal, "What the hell are you planning?" Oh! I hope that works! Maybe Vandal will even explain to Superman how he can be stopped while he's going over all of the details of his plan!

Oh, I just noticed that Vandal also has Hal Jordan captured. I guess that makes sense since Hal finally came back to Earth to battle Sonar. No it doesn't. I'm just trying my best here.

Anyway, Vandal refuses to reveal his plan to Clark. Good try, Kent! Now threaten him a bit and then go get Steel's experimental super suit and go be Superman even without powers! Show everybody that it isn't your powers that make you Superman! It's your gumption! It's your homespun charm! It's your never give up until the cows are back in the barn attitude! It's your playing doctor with a close cousin at a young age determination! Vandal Savage can't win because he didn't grow up on a farm with loving parents! But guess who did?!

"I'm not going to tell you my plan! But I'll hint around enough so that you understand it! I want you to see how I'm better than you! An evil jerk is better than Superman! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Vandal Savage begins bombing Metropolis because it's always nice to watch Superman fail to save people. Clark just has to bend over to pick up his glasses and put them back on so he can see all of the people dying that he can't save. Wrath is out of her box which seems unlikely seeing as how she failed Vandal and now she's criticizing his choices. Put her back in her stupid box! The only kid worth a damn is the fake robot one, Hordr_root!

After bombing Metropolis, he explodes a bunch of angry shadow bombs over the city. Because Wrath's plan was apparently Vandal's main plan. Make everybody into angry shadow monsters because profit!

A little help? He needs to be saved just like everybody else!

Yay! A team that can actually get a job done! At least right up until they also get their powers stolen by Supremacist weapons. Doesn't it seem like an awful lot of DC's comic book conflict stems from super heroes somehow losing their powers? Or their powers being ineffective against an enemy? Why can't any writers imagine more creative ways to challenge the heroes?

A plane crashes or something. I think it's the origin story of the first Black Mass Superhero. Maybe. I don't know. It's just interrupting the story! Although maybe it'll be a better story than the main story? Maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

Superman convinces Steel and Lana to let him use the super suit they've been working on that will kill a normal human wearing it in about fifteen minutes. So Superman will be dead in a few hours. I'm not sure why they're putting a death trap on Clark Kent and sending him out to stop Vandal Savage. Shouldn't the Justice League United call in Martian Manhunter? Or just, you know, got up against Savage without Superman? Or is the big twist ending going to be that the only person that can ultimately defeat Savage is one that doesn't have super powers! And Batman is currently indisposed.

Justice League United guest starring The Atom and Superman infiltrate the Carrier and begin their attack on Savage's henchmen. But it's Superman who has to save the day! The guy without powers who is also dying. He's the guy everybody is counting on! Christ. At this point, I'm more apt to bet on Green Arrow saving the day.

I fucking told you to keep her in the box! Idiot!

And now, even though it made no sense, we see why Wrath was allowed out of the box Vandal had stuffed her in after she failed. Because she had to play the Darth Vader to Vandal Savage's Emperor Palpatine. Unless that's spelled differently. It doesn't really matter though. Wrath is out of the box. The Justice League are back from their journey through the solar system. Justice League United are called in to be assistants to a useless ex-reporter. The Justice League have all had their powers stolen because that's a thing any old technologically advanced weapon can do. I think there must be a mathematical formula that exists to justify plot holes in comic books. Something like the amount of punches added to the number of Boob/Butt Showcases divided by the number of explanatory Narration Boxes equals number of plot holes the audience will forgive.

Wrath causes an explosion or something but Hordr_root appears or something and Wonder Woman and Superman appear outside the Carrier or something and the Justice League United are incapacitated immediately or something. Oh! I realize what happened! There were only a few pages left in the comic book so all of the heroes had to be put down before it ended. Now Vandal has all of the Justice League and all of Justice League United powering his Doomsday Weapon while Superman and Wonder Woman have died because they crashed to Earth after falling out of orbit. Well, maybe Wonder Woman survived. But Superman in just an advanced version of a Metallo suit crashing to Earth? No. He's definitely dead.

Action Comics #48 Rating: -2 Ranking. Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder's control over this story is analogous to a kitten's control over its body when it's suddenly attacked by a piece of string. Although it's far less entertaining. What I'm saying is I should have spent my $3.99 on adopting a kitten and a piece of string.

Edge of Oblivion #1

What's Kilowog been smoking?

Rating: 20 of 52 or so. Thankfully, Edge of Oblivion mostly ignores the events that took place in Lost Army. All of the main points are still valid. The Corps are stuck in another universe that's dying. They're hanging out on Mogo. A bunch of them are still lost. But so far there was no mention of the Peak Light Problem that's killing the universe, no sign of Relic, no Krona, and no Light Pirates. Some of that stuff might come up but it's taking a back seat to a new conflict.

The Green Lantern Corps are still trying to find a way home but now that have a New 52 Mosaic planet to take care of as well. But it isn't only good, well-meaning refugees on this Mosaic! No way! That would be boring! There are also some fish killers who murdered Mukmuk! Which seems kind of cruel and unecessary. Why kill the fish guy?! Fucking Tom Taylor is racist against fish, that's why. Jerko.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Doctor Fate #7

This comic book will be more interesting if it focuses on this cast of characters now ruling Egyptian Hell.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Seven issues in and Khalid still thinks he's dreaming. At least he finally defeated the stray dog and his pet cat is declaring that he needs to fucking accept his fate already. Get it? Because he's Doctor Fate! And yet he's denying his fate! And he's actually just a medical student!

I'm actually kind of hoping he is dreaming and this series will just end when somebody finally fucking wakes him up. Maybe it'll be his horny neighbor sleep creeping on him! Oh man! I'm actually excited about next issue now!

Batman Beyond #8

Just think of this as Batman Beyond #2 and forget about the first six issues which were really just the end of Futures End!

Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that the Futures End story is behind us and Brother Eye is dead, this comic book room to become interesting. It's like an Elseworlds version of Kamandi except with a lot more non-animal humanoids living in the world. Matt McGinnis gets to be the new Kamandi unless he's actually going to meet the old Kamandi in Metropolis-That-Was. Although Kamandi lived further in the future so just forget all of that crap since Matt is going to become the new Green Lantern instead. I'm still not a fan of Tim Drake but since I don't have to look at him because he's always in the Batman Beyond mask, I'm just pretending he's Irwin Schwab.

Lois and Clark #3

This cover may have gotten ahead of the story.

Rating: +1 Ranking. The Preboot version of Superman is the best version of Superman in the DC Youniverse right now. He's also the Superman whom Batman would probably be most afraid of if Batman even knew about him (I'm sure Batman knows about him, right?!) since this Superman works in secret and takes the law into his own hands. He's got a prison beneath a mountain full of dangerous aliens and evil monsters (if you want to visit, the secret code to get in is BIBLE upside down on a calculator. Hmm, so maybe he's the worst version?). Batman would hate an actual hero fighting for justice on his own terms without having to listen to Batman constantly tell him the right way to do things. How dare Superman choose the kind of justice this Earth deserves?!

Of course, not having to listen to a whole host of disparate Justice League voices actually makes this Superman effective. The only problem is that he doesn't really have a backup system in place to stop his prisoners from destroying the world once they guessed the code to open the prison. Good job, Superman! You fool! You should have consulted Batman!

I hope Sheba, the female version of Lobo created by Rob Liefeld, is in Preboot Superman's prison!

Bombshells #8

This cover needs more Mera.

Rating: +1 Ranking. If you like "feminism", you'll love all the, um, "feminisms" in this comic book! Wink! What is wrong with Men's Rights Activists and their stance against feminisms?! Don't they know that with more comic books with strong female leads, they'd get more feminisms in scanty outfits?! Dum-dums! I bet if the Equal Rights Amendment had passed in the seventies, women would be allowed to go topless now! Stupid jerko 70s politicians!

Daredevil #2

Tenfingers is overcompensating for something.

Rating: It's okay. It's a bit on the boring side because Daredevil's nemesis is just some gang leader with too many fingers on each hand. I guess he has some magic powers that he stole from the Hand Ninjas. I guess that's clever? Why is there a hand theme in the Daredevil comic book? Is this a masturbation analogy? Hands and blindness? I bet Daredevil's next battle will be against Harry Palms, Defense Attorney!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #6

That pussy can lick itself! Rimjob shot! If you like those jokes, you'll love this comic book.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Enough Harley Quinn! Enough! It's too much! Especially when it's six issues of the same joke over and over again! Go back to publishing four issue miniseries! Creators obviously don't have enough ideas to fill six issues! Examples: This! Bat-mite! Bizarro! Lost Army! Doomed! Okay, those last two were never meant to be six issue miniseries. But that's even worse! They were supposed to be ongoing titles and they didn't have enough ideas for six issues! Of course Prez could have kept going because the writer of that book, old what's-his-name, actually had shit to say! Here's what Scott Lobdell might as well have written for the script of Doomed: "Is this where I endorse my paycheck? How about here? Is the money in my account now? I'm a comic book writer! Whee!" And here's Cullen Bunn's DC scripts: "Work for hire so I don't care! Work for hire so I don't care! Wipe my dick on the script and nobody notices it's the most interesting part of the story!" That's sung to the tune of Fascination Street by The Cure. Maybe.

If I have to read one more joke about a woman's vagina and what it does when the woman is aroused that isn't written by me, I'm going to, well, probably get aroused myself. Enough Harley Quinn already!

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Black Canary #6

I'm glad they emphasized the word "cry" or I might have missed the pun!

Rating: -1 Ranking. Bo Maeve should have won the Battle of the Bands because I like her better than Dinah. Is that a fair way to judge a Battle of the Bands? I suppose since I couldn't actually hear any of their music, it's as good as any other reason to declare her the winner. The only reason I dropped the ranking on this book is because it ended with some Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey time travel nonsense which made me realize that this story is just a rip-off of that movie except that Ditto is easier to look at than Station.

Okay, maybe it's not an exact rip-off! But it does have an alien and a battle of the bands and some kind of time travel so it's close enough for me to stake my reputation on claiming it's full on plagiarism!

Deathstroke #13

Harley Quinn is only on the cover to remind Harley fans to buy this issue since nobody else will.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Deathstroke's vacation to Belle Reve proves to be a wild goose chase (I should probably look up the etymology of that cliche if I'm going to use it. Is it because wild geese are impossible to chase down? Or is it because you can't chase a wild goose because the motherfucking goose winds up chasing you and breaking your fucking arm with its insane wrath? What are they so angry about?!). You can read the trip to Belle Reve as part of the overall planned plot or you can read it for what it probably was: the whim of a crappy writer. What it almost definitely was was a ploy to sell more copies by bringing Harley back into the story. What it almost certainly isn't is Slade Wilson showing signs of caring for his daughter Rose. His life would be better if he just stopped trying to convince himself that he loves his kids. He really doesn't. He still thinks he named his son Jericho.

Slade's really nemesis has yet to reveal himself but he's forcing Rose to work with him so that they can break Slade. Yes, you read that right. Yet again another villain who doesn't so much want to kill his adversary but break him. Always with the fucking breaking people! Why is "breaking" someone more satisfying than killing them?! Just fucking end them when you have the chance! Stop dilly-dallying!

That would not be a good name for a group of super-villains: The Dilly-Dalliers. Apt, maybe, but not good.

The Flash #47

Zoom runs like a five year old.

Rating: -2 Ranking. This is 22 pages of Zoom and Flash punching each other while Zoom explains what the previous story arc has been about. In the end, The Flash beats Zoom because he realizes Zoom isn't fast at all; he just slows down time. What the fuck is the difference?

The Flash has his A-ha Moment when Zoom tries to beat him to death with a clock. That's when Flash says to Zoom, "Did you study the Hafele-Keating experiment?" He then goes on to explain the experiment while punching Zoom forgetting that Zoom is from the year 2463 and probably knew about time dilation from the Time Dilation Cars they drive. Or the Time Dilation coffee makers. Or the Time Dilation Playstaion 65.

Ultimately The Flash beats Zoom by just screaming "NO!" really loudly and then suddenly having the ability to beat Zoom. And somehow Barry is able to come up with the evidence to prove Zoom killed Nora which will free his dad. But will he be able to come up with the evidence that his dad didn't shoot and murder that stupid security guard who runs into buildings when fire alarms go off from an earlier issue? Enh, everybody probably forgot about that right, Except maybe that poor guard's family!

In the end, The Flash's reputation is still ruined for stupid reasons that still don't make any sense no matter how many articles Iris publishes with the headline: FLASH! MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!

Justice League 3001 #7

The Scullions are modelled on Lex Luthor, aren't they?

Rating: No change. I was going to drop the ranking because Giffen and DeMatteis always do this and it's disconcerting. Issue after issue of wacky hijinks and recycled jokes until WHAM! Everybody dies! Tragedy! Not a joke to be seen! Grim dialogue! Funereal mood! Guy slapping Ice! They might want to take something for their bipolar writing condition.

But then the drop in rankings was balanced out by the new direction. The Justice League still exists with basically all the same members (they've got a super, a bat, an amazon, a lantern, a speedster, and Fire and Ice) but it's now an all female cast. All the guys were killed off. Except Guy. Guy's still a guy but with a woman's body. Except he also isn't since he's being subsumed by the female personality inside the body his DNA was mixed with. So technically she's the one who slapped Ice.

Anyway, the guys probably aren't all dead anyway. Superman was the only one seen being killed, so they'll probably all reappear as the new all male Super Budddies.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Teen Titans #15

But I already ended the Robin War by reading Robin War #2!

An old man in a dusty cowboy hat sits on a park bench. So skinny and frail, his dusty jacket and faded jeans hang off him like he were a wire hanger. He seems sort of folded up on himself as he mutters and spits. He glances up for a second, tears plainly seen streaking down his face. "I miss mah fuckin' horse," he mutters. "Fif'een years she been with me. Going where I gone. Nuzzling mah shoulder when I cain't hardly stand ta look mahself in the mirror. Fuck. Fuckin' miss her, is all." He spits and scuffs his boot across the pavement in front him, tracing some kind of symbol only he recognizes. "It's jus' I ain't got room in mah life for many people, see? So she was important. So important. My bes' friend, I reckon. Might seem sad to some but then mos' persons let lotsa other persons inta their life. I ain't never been lonely nor needed nobody much, reckon. She were all I need, I guess." He spits again and reaches his right hand across his midsection to scratch somewhere beneath the layers of dust and clothes. "Trail jus' don't have the allure it use ta, ya know? It were already tough goin' ever' day even with her by my side, leadin' me on cause she always knowed there be good grass somewheres up ahead. Even if I doubtin' it, she never did. Cause dere always were. Never fail. But what was there ever fer me, see? I never thought to look. Where were I goin' aside from gettin' my horse ta the nex' green patch? I jus' got no more reason ta move on. At leastways, I got no hurry, I reckon. The trail always gonna be temptin' me but it jus' ain't never gonna be the same. And I ain't got no reason to fuckin' hurry, see?" He pauses and looks down as his hands seem to wrestle with each other. He sniffs and his body hitches and he begins to sob.

"It jus' ain't fuckin' right. What I'da gave fer jus' a another year, mayhap. Another few miles. Another few pastures. What good am I now without my best friend?" He wipes at his face and the dirt and dust on his hands turns dark and muddy. He beats his hands against his jeans a bit and coughs from the cloud of unsettled dust. "Well, Francis, better get on, I guess. Cain't sit hyar feelin' sorry fer my old bones forever, hunh? You've lost horses afore, ya know ya did." He reaches out to grip the armrest and begins to pull himself up to a standing position. He wobbles uncertainly for a few seconds before finally standing as erect as he'll ever be. A short and surprising laugh scratches out of his throat and he says, "Mayhap, mayhap. But never lost a horse like that one. Soulmate, I s'pect. Ha! Gettin' too fuckin' sentimental in my old age." He glances up and looks you right in the eye. "It's been good, ya know? Sharin' the trail with you. Real good. But I think we outta part company hyar. I jus'...well, I jus'...I guess my heart's jus' too broke to keep on this hyar trail. Gonna find a new way, reckon. You take care, see?" He smiles, you think, then turns and totters away down the path. He stops after a few feet and pats the pocket on his beige duster while mumbling something incomprehensible. He reaches into the pocket, snorts, and tosses a carrot to the side of the path before lighting out for a new territory.

Teen Titans #15 Rating: You know how I feel about this comic book. It's awful. Anyway, that's about all I've got in me. I want to thank everybody who read these commentaries and understood how truly not serious any of it was. For those who didn't get the joke, fuck off. Kidding! No, I'm not. Seriously, fuck off. I'll still be around reading comics and posting stupid panels to Tumblr, I'm sure. But I've got other shit to do and it's time to just let this project go. Thanks for commenting, commenters! And a special thanks to Artya, wherever he wound up, for...well, for whatever. Being the first, I guess.

For Judas. Thanks for hanging out with me while I read comics, buddy!

Bombshells #7

Quietly thinks disgusting thoughts because whistling would be inappropriate.

Rating: +1 Ranking. How many synonyms for cute are there? Like five? Use all of them for this. And I'm not just being patronizing to all the little Batgirls in this comic book. I'm also being patronizing to the Batboys. Adorable! Oh! That's six synonyms!

Cyborg #6

Cyborg is looking down to make sure his peener looks normal. And by "normal," I mean "super fucking huge and delicious.

Rating: No change. The initial story arc has been so boring that I've overused the word "boring" in all of my reviews. That doesn't mean there wasn't a point to it. It's just that a story could have been developed to deliver the message: Cyborg definitely has a penis. Although Cyborg just became comfortable with being a walking soda machine and now he can look human again if he wants. But looking human isn't special and I think Cyborg has become accustomed to standing out in a crowd. So now he's got to get used to being just another boring person! Although a boring person who can regrow his penis if he loses it inside of a vagina with teeth. Some vaginas have teeth, right?

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Superman Annual #3

Does Superman have to battle Vandal Savage in every single Superman title?

Vandal Savage gets a bit of an origin story here. It turns out the comet that made him immortal was deflected by Im-el of Krypton thousands of years ago. The Krypton scene does what comic books are supposed to do! It tells the story through pictures and dialogue. It's like a little play on paper. So I get caught off guard when the scene on Earth 50,000 years ago is full of Narration Boxes. Who knew fucking cavemen were so verbose?! Christ! I didn't realize so many words existed back then!

Keep reading

Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

Keep reading

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Justice League of America #6

Hey DC? You do remember that Batman is the only one of these characters without any kind of physical powers, right?

I'm sick of Batman being the most invulnerable hero in the DC Youniverse. Don't try to defend him, you assholes. You know it's true! I get the argument that because he doesn't rely on super powers for his own safety, he's more on his Bat-toes than everybody else. But even Bat-toes can't keep you from being shot in the face forever. How many times has this dick been punched by Killer Croc without anything but Alfred's shaky, arthritic stiches? This guy is unkillable for a reason that has nothing to do with his training and it certainly has nothing to do with super powers giving him invulnerability or regeneration. What's the real story, DC? Batman sold his soul to the devil, didn't he?

I don't even remember what was happening in this comic book because it had a Martian Manhunter interlude. I think they had just killed Darkseid and had become gods, right?

It begins with Aquaman finally coming to his senses and kicking the missionaries out of Atlantis. Fuck missionaries. Don't try to defend them! They're manipulative bastards trading goodwill and charity for the destruction of other people's cultures! Stop trying to convince everybody else of the lies you were too gullible to disbelieve!

But it's too late. The Atlanteans have become as brainwashed as a child born to ignorant parents perpetuating a false paradigm of reality.

The same shit is going down in Themyscira although at least Rao's missionaries are meeting heavy resistance there. They were prepared for armed conflict with Wonder Woman's boyfriend's in-laws.

Meanwhile in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman utters the variation of a phrase that no comic book character should ever utter because it means they're going to get their ass kicked immediately thereafter: "Is that the best you've got?" It's never the best they've got. They always have something better for just after some idiot asks that question. Superman learns his lesson and Rao stands over Clark's unconscious body and pisses in his mouth.

The Flash is still in 1961 because he's pro-fucking-up-everything-through-time-travel.

The Justice League can never just stop a bank robbery. Or a simple alien invasion. Or World War III. No. The fuckers always have to save absolutely everything all at once.

Flash hears a bunch of the usual comic book nonsense that characters spout when a writer can't be bothered to write a story stemming from motivation, cause, and effect. Instead this guy Vincent knows with some certainty thanks to some singing rocks that the end of everything is going to take place and he's trying to learn how and why it will come about so he can stop it. Vincent has now told Superman and The Flash about his certainty and they seem to believe him so now they're on the case to save forever! I think a step in the right direction would be punching Vincent in his throat so that he collapses and dies and stops fucking with the timeline since he's lining everything up to cause the end of forever so he can study how it comes about so he can stop it from happening. See how he needs to be stopped?

The Rao Missionaries complete their mission which was less brainwashing morons and more finding the location of Olympus so that they could send a dozen suicide bombers there to kill Earth's gods. Apparently the only god they recognize on Earth is Wonder Woman. Take that, Jesus and Allah and Thor and Ganesha!

Aquaman accidentally hitches a ride to Olympus and is blown up alongside Wonder Woman. Hal Jordan is still 250,000 years in the past and light years away from Earth where he's found another division of the Infinity Corporation. So I guess Batman is the only Justice League of America member left to save the day. Like the cover. Like always.

Justice League of America #6 Rating: No change. This issue would have been better if I hadn't had to wait so long for it and the story hadn't been interrupted by a story that belonged in the Martian Manhunter comic book. It's probably worth the cover price but only because most comic books cost $3.99 now. I don't actually think any comic book is worth that price but then what do I know about money? It seems expensive but some comic books from thirty years ago were $1.75 (due to Baxter paper and no ads!), so that isn't that much of a raise in price, is it? Although if you consider that Infocom was selling their text adventure games for $50 a pop and video games now cost $60 with a lot more work put into them, it seems like a royal buttfucking for comics to cost twice as much with less pages! Thanks a lot, comic books!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

Oh! That's a good one, Romantic Batman: "spending time in a wheelchair down by the Seine."

Batman is currently falling off of Notre Dame. But we can ignore that part since it will happen again later after the story starts at the beginning. But first, Batman needs to tell us a little bit about Paris! Listen carefully because if the facts he gives us match the clues, Trojan Horse Sandiego just might be hiding here in Paris! Although that's unlikely because the comic still has one issue to go. I bet the last city will most definitely not be Lisbon.

Surprise! This time The Joker is going to do the book report on the city! Don't worry. I'm not going to repeat what he says. You all know everything you need to know about Paris anyway. The Joker just tells us everything we already knew! Like how they speak French and how they have this thing called the Metro that smells like piss and how every Parisian spends his day at a corner cafe thinking existential thoughts. It sounds fantastic!

Currently the Demented Duo are wandering around the catacombs on their search for Nina and Trojan Horse who's holding her captive. They're also still looking for the cure although if I had to guess, the Trojan Horse will tell them they've had the power to cure their own virus all along! All they have to do is kiss! I don't mean that sexually. I mean it in the figurative and forgiving sense. These two don't need a virus to be killing them. Their relationship is the virus that will eventually be the death of them! The only cure for that? Friendship! And kisses! Deep, long, sultry kisses!

Was this an anal sex joke from Batman?

Obviously this entire story was built around the relationship between The Joker and The Batman with the cities as metaphors for that relationship. So Berlin is a city once divided but later made whole. Batman and Joker must reconcile or they will die. Next was Prague, a city of intellectuals and artists crushed by war. Batman, the intellectual, and Joker, the artist, unable to accomplish anything because their resources are being consumed by their lifelong battle. Now Paris, the city of romance! The two must become much more intimate to save themselves. They must trust each other, caress each other, slowly slide each other's underwear to the soft carpet of a lonely corner apartment overlooking the Champs Elysees. I don't know what the last city would be because I'm American and don't know any European history. It'll probably be either Geneva or London. Geneva because Batman and The Joker need to make peace if they're going to live. London because it's an easy city to write a book report on.

The Joker leads Batman to his own Parisian Clown College under the streets of Paris, Le Cirque du Roi des Clowns. Apparently the people of Paris love The Joker. They love his art, the bunch of surrealist, existentialist bastards.

The Joker and Batman wind up in their corner apartment and Batman ejaculates a Batgrapple across the way to an apartment where they find the man behind the automatons dead. But then the polished bells of Notre-Dame begin to ring and they're off to investigate!

They're getting more and more intimate!

The couple finally confront the villain who infected them inside Notre-Dame. He's wearing a bat costume and Joker make-up because he's nuts. Or is he? I was just going to begin pondering who would want to see Batman and The Joker dead and I realized the answer is "Who wouldn't?!" This guy could be anybody living in Gotham who has had to live through Joker attacks year after year while coming to the realization that The Joker doesn't attack other cities because The Joker is obsessed with Batman. Without Batman, The Joker goes away. So why not kill them both since they're both fucking the citizens of Gotham?

During the battle, the story passes the moment that the comic began with Batman falling to his death. But now, The Joker uses Batman's Batgrapple to save Batman's life. How intimate is that, right? How loving! How sweet and caring and romantic! It's like a fairy tale!

The Batjoker gets away and Batman finds that Nina is dead. She choked on burning coals which is a clue to their next destination: Rome! I don't know why they need to go to Rome. Because it's the birth of Western Civilization as well as the first place where humans discovered Western Civilization isn't immortal? Birth and death? Culture and decay? Something about Christianity?!

Batman Europa #3 Rating: No change. I'm still not super keen on Batman palling around with The Joker but I guess I blame the virus and the fever and the fogginess they cause. The art is interesting and crazy and the story is interesting enough. But Azzarello's dialogue which I'm usually a huge fan of seems stilted and awkward. It's almost as if he's trying too hard to write Azzarello dialogue. Which maybe is the case if Casali is writing the dialogue in parts and he's trying to mimic Azzarello? I have no idea how the writing chores have been split between them. Still, I don't think the DC Youniverse really needs any more Batman/Joker team-ups after this. Batman really should have punched him in the throat at the end of issue one and called in some backup. Maybe bring Alfred in to dress like The Joker! I don't know why that would be needed! I just like the idea!