Sunday, January 3, 2016

Midnighter #7

He can't be having the fight of his life in issue seven! Why bother buying any more if they're all going to be less exciting?

The cover probably means "the fight of his life up until this moment" even if it doesn't say that. But that's also trouble in the comic book world because that means the next fight will have to be even bigger and scarier and more life threatening or fans are going to be disappointed! If I were designing the covers of comic books, I would say stuff like "This is a pretty exciting fight but it could probably be better!" and "Midnighter fights a fight!" I wouldn't want anyone reading this book only to think, "I've previously read a fight of Midnighter's that was way more of his life than this!"

The fight mentioned by the cover is against Prometheus, Midnighter's boyfriend. Or probably ex-boyfriend at this point. You might remember Prometheus from such classic tales as "Rock of Ages" or "Prometheus Unbound" and--odds are being that this is a comic book--probably one called "Past Tense," "Future Imperfect," or "Gorilla Warfare."

This issue is called "Prometheus" which is bad news for Midnighter because 80% of the previous issues were called "Midnighter."

Prometheus tells Midnighter his origin story which is a twisted reflection of Batman's origin. Parents gunned down but by the police instead of a mugger. Inherited a lot of crime money and underworld influence instead of less criminal money (depending on how strong your views that capitalism is crime) and societal influence. Prometheus traveled the world to learn everything he could to accomplish his quest to destroy justice just as Bruce Wayne...well, I'm certain you're familiar with that story.

Oh! Oh! I bet his mind programmed their weaknesses too! Like how Batman is Batman's weakness? Pussy?

That caption was vulgar but it was also a Catwoman joke. If you realized it was a Catwoman joke, you're among friends here! If you were angry at the vulgarity hinting at possible (probable?!) misogyny then you might need to recalibrate the way you view things while reading my commentaries. I'm not as gross as disgusting as you might first think! Sometimes I'm fairly clever! Like how I called Catwoman "pussy"!

I've told this story before but I've written so much bullshit, you might have missed it the first time! When I was a little kid (in single digits, probably!), my cousin Jerry who was four years older than me had Steve Martin's Wild and Crazy Guy album. We used to listen to it in the family room at my grandparents' house while my Grandmother puttered around the kitchen or dining room which connected to the family room. At one point, Steve Martin says, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!" And then he acts disgusted by the crowd's reaction and says, "I was talking about her cat!" I used to laugh hilariously at this bit without ever knowing that pussy meant anything but cat. So, yes, I didn't get the joke and I was still laughing at it. But then Steve Martin is a funny guy! I sometimes wish that I'd asked my grandmother what she thought of that. She never said anything or chastised us which I think was the exactly appropriate reaction. If she had said something about how we shouldn't be listening to it or that it's disgusting, I would have worked out what it was and a little bit of innocence would have died. Instead she let us be kids by realizing we didn't fucking know any better!

If you're skeptical about a small child figuring out what pussy meant simply because a parent might tell him it's gross, listen to this story! In second grade, our class designed paper airplanes and went out to the playground to fly them. Mine kept crashing immediately and so I said, "My plane sucks the big one!" Who knows why I knew that phrase but I did! And my teacher, Ms. Marshall, was shocked! She scolded me for using inappropriate language and made me sit on the bench while the other kids flew their planes. I spent that time putting together what "sucked the big one" could possibly mean. Well, it didn't take long to figure it out. Which also led me to ask my older cousin questions like "People suck those things?! What for?!"

Midnighter fights back and gets the upper hand. It's a good thing there was a full month between the end of the last issue and the beginning of this one so I can forget exactly how beat up Midnighter was. At this point, it seems reasonable that he's in great condition and full strength!

Prometheus decides to debate while fighting because that must be one of the fighting styles of the thirty people he's gone up against. Definitely not Batman though because Batman just says things like "TT" and "hurr". It's probably a villain since they can never shut the fuck up while fighting. As, you know, Prometheus is demonstrating right now.

I don't think Midnighter kills to punish people for killing. I think he both simply likes killing and also likes making innocent victims feel better by learning that the assholes who hurt them got what was coming to them, Midnighter style.

Midnighter shoves a doorknob into Prometheus at one point (not like that, you pervert) simply so he can shout "Door!" He's planning something with his portal technology! Maybe he already opened a tiny door in Prometheus's small intestine and it's leaking shit all up inside Prometheus's chest cavity now! He's making him literally full of shit since he's obviously so figuratively full of it!

Dammit. Now I want that to be what's going on.

Hey dum-dum! You don't think the God Garden has the technology to recover memories from disembodied brains?!

Midnighter smashes Prometheus's skull and turns to walk away. That's when Prometheus pulls out his precious Cosmic Key and teleports to safety. Hmph. Some fight of his life! I mean, it was a fight, sure! But Midnighter was never in any danger! Except maybe of being bored to tears by Prometheus's lousy philosophical arguments!

Later in Oakland, Midnighter's friend Jason gives him the good friend break-up speech. "It's not your fault! They were an asshole! Don't waste your time on garbage like that!" I usually like to give that speech to my friends when they're still super excited about their new relationship! Mostly so I can say "I told you so!" when they inevitably breakup! It was also my Best Man's speech at Doom Bunny's wedding! It might not have been the most appropriate toast I've given.

Oh yeah! In the ruins of the house Prometheus built just to kill Midnighter inside of, Midnighter found an old picture of himself as a young kid. He took it with him because he had a cute plan for it.

That's so sweet! Or is it creepy? Inappropriate, maybe?!

Meanwhile Deadshot raids a Spyral location to recover something called The Perdition Pistol. It may or may not be the thing that shot the Body Snatcher Bullets in the Midnighter Sneak Peek. It probably isn't but I thought I'd remind everybody that I remember things. Sometimes. Deadshot kills a lot of people so it looks like, at least in this comic book, he's back up to snuff. Or whatever.

Midnighter #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book just keeps getting better even though there wasn't any gay sex in this issue. At least, I don't think there was any gay sex in it. Having never had sex--I mean, gay sex, of course!--I wouldn't know it if I saw it! The closest I ever came was when this guy Michael leaned over me topless and asked, "Have you ever been with a man?" I said, "No." He responded with, "Do you want to be?" That's when my life completely changed! I mean, obviously if I had said yes, my life would have been totally different. So when I said no, my life completely changed from the one where I could have been having loads more sex than I'm having now! Stupid un-experimental younger me! Um, buy Midnighter! It's gay-reat! Was that patronizing? I didn't mean for it to come off that way! In my next review of Grayson, I'll end with "He's gre-straight!" That'll make up for my insensitivity!

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