Sunday, January 10, 2016

Green Arrow #47

Sticks and stones would make more sense if Tarantula's super power had something to do with rocks.

Today, Matan4il responded to something I said on Tumblr with "Uh...tessatechaitea, were you being sarcastic and I missed it?" Then the person went on to explain why I was an idiot if I wasn't being sarcastic. You really have to appreciate how the humorless are sure to begin responding to something by taking a shot at you. I get the tone of your question, Matan4il! I hear you calling me a fucking idiot who is too stupid to get sarcasm right! Obviously it's easier to point out how stupid somebody is being than checking the person's blog to see the tone of it before making a judgment. Although it is much easier to assume I'm a dolt and then ask me to clarify thus pulling me right into your stupid fucking issues. I'm sorry for entertaining myself in a public forum! It won't happen again!

It especially won't happen while I'm reading Percy's Green Arrow. I certainly won't be having any fun while reading this garbage.

Wait. When did this happen? Did I miss the issue with the love story in it?!

Green Arrow has been captured by the Bone Hunters and thrown in a dungeon with his dog George. He helped Tarantula and her cousin escape even though she seemed to admit that she brought him there to trade away his life. George was captured because his bones are worth more than the normal dog bones for some reason. I think he's part werewolf or something. There was an origin story about it. I've forgotten it completely.

Tarantula decides she needs to save Oliver because they fell in love on the road trip. Or while they were captured. Or while they were arguing constantly. I'm not really good at reading signs so I don't know when they actually fell in love. I still thought they barely liked each other!

While I'm still confused from the sudden romantic subplot, Percy decides to shove in an origin story for Jefe, the leader of the Bone Collectors. Is the guy really interesting enough to need a backstory? Do I fucking care about this guy? I barely care about Green Arrow!

Working around drugs gives you cancerous semen?!

Jefe saved his child by praying to a Mayan god of death named Ah Puch. He taught him the medicinal properties of bones. Not only did his bone medicine cure his baby, it also proved the most addictive drug in the world. And so he sold it on the street and made billions of dollars and lived happily ever after. Until the day he overstepped his power and kidnapped Green Arrow and his dog George to use as powerful Day of the Dead sacrifices. If only powerful people had some way of knowing when they had enough so that they could continue to live happily ever after. Why can't they see retiring is a good thing? Doing nothing is awesome! There should be an off switch on ambition. Hell, in my case, I need an on switch for it!

"Scientific statement. Unscientific statement that some people might believe. Third completely nonsense statement that now sounds somewhat factual."

I suppose "ore of life" might be a metaphor for stem cells but I'd have to understand poetry to know for sure. I would think the testicles or the ovaries carried the actual ore of life but then maybe I'm too literal for this poetry nonsense!

Green Arrow responds to his upcoming sacrifice by saying, "You want my bones, but I'd rather give you the finger." I think it would have worked better if he said "a finger" but what do I know? Poetry, remember?! Bad at it, I am!

Jefe explains that bones are powerful artifacts and then brags about all of the different bones he has in his collection. He's rather vague about most of them. You'd think he'd cherish his collection a little more by announcing which kings's bones he had, or the names of the demons and murderers, or the name of the chieftain killed by the lion whose bones he has. He even says he has the bones of the dog who traveled with Lewis and Clark but refuses to give him his name, Seaman. Isn't part of the power within the bones due to their names? Maybe I've been doing magic wrong my entire life! It's possible since I learned everything I know simply by listening to Blizzard of Ozz ten thousand times.

Just before Ollie is sacrificed, he realizes that people will do anything for love. Except for that one thing. I never did know what that one thing was. I have a feeling it involved the anus. Speaking of Meatloaf, have you ever been to karaoke when somebody decided to sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"? That fucking song should be outlawed at karaoke joints. It feels like it's twenty minutes long and it's super repetitive! Audience members should be allowed to walk up on stage and kick people in the crotch when they choose karaoke songs that last more than four minutes. I almost said three but I thought I'd be generous in my make-believe laws.

Oh yeah! Also just before he's killed, Tarantula saves him from getting killed.

Maybe the one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love was say he was sorry.

Apparently Jefe's henchmen are zombies which is why it was okay for Green Arrow to kill them. Although did he know that beforehand? How did he know that? I think I keep missing things that are important to this story!

Because Jefe isn't able to make a sacrifice to Ah Puch, Ah Puch takes the life of his son who rots away in seconds. Pissed off, as he should be, Jefe renounces Ah Puch. It's a really poorly thought out decision that he shouldn't have made while not thinking clearly due to his son's death because Ah Puch sends all of the Death's Head Moths to devour him. It's gross.

This is even grosser.

Green Arrow #47 Rating: -1 Ranking. Where did this love story come from? Am I just supposed to assume that when a man and a woman spend any amount of time together, they automatically fall in love? I guess that scene at the border crossing where Ollie jokingly says they're on their honeymoon was all it took for Tarantula's heart to get all aflutter? Maybe all the times I read the sound effect "flutter" in this comic book, I mistakenly ascribed it to the Death's Head Moths' wings when it was actually the lovers' hearts! DC has broken up a lot of believable relationships and given us a lot of unbelievable ones. This one might be even worse than the love story of Wonder Girl and Superboy. I said might be!

No comments:

Post a Comment