Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

The Secret Six have gone off with Etrigan to open the White Gate while the Enclave of Magic are trying to keep the White Gate closed. The Secret Six fucked everything up last issue so maybe Faust's group can fix things this issue.

I first read Swamp Thing's dialogue as "they're coming on everyone". Possibly because he looks like Zatanna's fucked up blow up doll here.

Back under the ocean, Ferdie reveals that he's got whatever power Ambush Bug has. Not teleportation! That one where he can speak directly to the reader. I don't know if he knows he's in a comic book or not but he definitely thinks he's in a Grant Morrison story. His power doesn't extend to hearing the reader though because I just asked him what the secret was and he didn't answer. I did show him my dick though.

He's totally into it.

Porcelain smashes the first Alabaster Uncircumcised Cock Statue just before the ocean rushes in. But Lord Arion's fish people cast a spell which teleports the Secret Six to safety. Catman flirts with Aquaman just before he's magically snatched away but Arthur is too dense to get it. Although his new uniform makes him look like he understood. Because it looks like he has an erection. Does nobody at DC care that Aquaman's makeover makes him look like he's constantly sporting a massive boner?

Arthur does try to warn Catman not to smash the other alabaster phalluses because it'll just let all of the Great Old Ones into their dimension. At this point, I don't think the team cares. They're just going to have to battle a bunch of ancient immortal all-powerful gods after they've saved Black Alice. They can probably handle it.

The next alabaster phallus is in a fancy dress party in some place called Perdition.

Strix shows that the Bat-Family policy of killing Talons might need to be reworked. Not that I didn't think that already! But how could any of them think they haven't just committed murder after seeing Talons display sentience and individual personalities?

The Six meet an orphan girl who shows them the way through the abandoned town and into the mine where the party is being held. No part of that previous sentence inspires confidence in the situation.

It turns out there isn't a party. Everybody just needed to dress fancy because this town is lost in time and people used to dress fancy when they knew somebody else might see them and then gossip about how awful their clothes were. It also turns out everybody in the town has died of starvation. They're still hanging about as ghosts because the mine is full of an ancient god affecting the local reality. It's name is Maggie and it asks the Secret Six to help free it by breaking its alabaster phallus. That might make the Six rethink their position on opening up strange portals.

Swamp Thing arrives to try to warn them as well but if the huge ancient god's declaration that it will end the universe when it's freed didn't sway them against destroying the White Gate, what argument can Swamp Thing come up with?

The alabaster phalluses aren't as phallusy as they were last issue.

Chaos is my jam too, Etrigan! This is my Work entry on Facebook: "Works at destroying the calm and embracing the chaos." I knew Etrigan was my favorite for a reason! Actually for several reasons. None of them pervy.

Ralph Dibny shoves the alabaster phallus into the head of Maggie, mortally wounding it. So I guess their plan is to just deal with the gods that wind up being unleashed. I doubt the other ones will be as easy to kill as Maggie was.

While the Six were off doing their mission, Scandal and Rag Doll were having adventures in babysitting with Black Alice. They battled some sphinxes and...well, that's all that happened, really. But Black Alice woke up and was told by Scandal that if her friends succeed in saving her, the world will end. So Black Alice decides she needs to die and asks Scandal Savage to kill her. I think she's asking the wrong Savage.

Secret Six #9 Rating: No change. None! I mean, some stuff happened and most of it was entertaining. And the art looked really nice. And something about the letterer because you have to mention the letterer in a proper review. Also the colorist! There were colors! Lots of them! It made the book not boring like all black and white comic books. So boring! Did anybody ever try to read Cerebus?! Pee-yuke! So black and white! And Elfquest was terrible until the colors were added! Although the colors that were added in the Father Tree Press editions were never as good as the colors in the Starblaze Graphics editions! I don't think color matters when it comes to the letterer though so if you're a Letterer Fucker (that's a person who is such a fan of letterers that they love to fuck them at conventions), Cerebus is probably a pretty good comic book! Although Dave Sim is the writer, artist, and letterer so you won't be fucking him because the last time I heard, he was celibate. He doesn't even masturbate! It's against his religion which is Christjewslam or something. Um. Anyway. Ten stars!