Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1

I'd prefer it if they were called Teenage*D* Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out right around when I began collecting comic books. I did not pick up an issue because I could not predict the future. Also I don't think I knew it existed until sometime in its third or fourth printing. And even then, I really wasn't interested in owning it. I mean, did you see the weird colors on the cover? So amateurish! Or artsy? What did I know?! I was thirteen! I thought great art was the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. But since that time, I've learned how to invest in comic books! If an independent comic books comes out and one of the creator's names ends with "man", the book is going to be valuable! I may have missed the Eastman pile of money but I didn't miss the Kirkman pile! I hope The Walking Dead does a crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

I think I read my cousin's copies of the first three or four issues of the original Turtles but I don't really remember much of it. I remember the little regular baby turtles around the radioactive puddle before they transformed and that's about it. And even that might be a false memory! And I was too old to think the movie Turtles were cool when they came out so I really don't have much experience with them. I know they were a parody of Daredevil, they loved pizza because Domino's is the only joint shitty enough to deliver to a sewer address, and Donatello is the one with the purple sash and the stick. That reminds me! I did play quite a bit of the arcade game and I always chose to be Donatello.

The story begins with a scientist telling Batman bullshit stories about the Ninja Turtles. The Foot Clan attacked her place of work and stole a generator that could power the world and/or a super weapon. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to stop them. They at least stopped the Foot Clan from killing the scientists but did the scientists thank them?! No! They just called them ugly monsters with uncontrollable adolescent erections and then called Batman in to destroy them. Batman, being a great detective, decides one eyewitness's assumptions of her perceptions is the only lead he needs and he promises to stop those gross Wereturtles.

If I were a pizza delivery person, I would not deliver to a seedy location without an actual address. Also, I would deliver pizza in a car instead of walking.

Batman goes over the clues to all of the crimes involving stolen technology in Gotham recently and he's flummoxed because the bad guys don't seem to be attacking him directly or trying to simply fuck up Gotham in retaliation against the Batman. They've actually got a criminal agenda that doesn't involve him at all! It's totally fucking crazy. Who do these criminals think they are?! Batman concludes that they're either stealing the technology to build something to use against him later or else maybe they're new at the crime game in Gotham and they don't realize that it's all supposed to be about Batman. So rude. But he'll teach them!

Batman surmises they'll attack Wayne Enterprises next because his company has the best stuff.

I hope Batman and April O'Neil fuck.

Killer Croc plans on stripping the Batmobile while Batman is beating up turtles. Croc knows where the Batmobile is because he has the Where is Batman?! App available for eighty thousand dollars at the app store. That seems like a small price to pay to follow Batman back to his lair and loot it. So why does Killer Croc only want to loot the Batmobile?! And where did Killer Croc get eighty grand for the app?! Shouldn't he have spent the money on supplies for his army of homeless masses?

Killer Croc runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' lair so he'll probably miss out on looting the Batmobile. Unless Batman takes too long beating up hundreds of Foot Clan Ninjas. There are always hundreds of them, right?

I hope The Predator and some real Aliens show up in this comic book too!

Batman beats up most of the Foot Clan but he doesn't get any new clues because Shredder appears and kills all of the clues before Batman can beat them almost to death. Actually, Batman does get one clue! One of the Foot Clan mentions "the turtles," so now Batman knows he's looking for...well, okay, that clue is kind of confusing. He probably still doesn't know what he's looking for. Although Shredder told him that if he just butts out, Gotham will be fine. Shredder doesn't realize that Batman has one superpower and it's the power to not butt out ever and most especially when somebody tells him to do so.

It's a good thing Batman has more luck on his side than World's Greatest Detective Skills and so he just happens to learn the meaning of the clue when he heads back to the car.

And one large rat! Don't forget the rat!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1 Rating: This is a novelty comic book! I'm not going to lower myself to rating and reviewing novelty comic books! What am I? A clown?! I will read next issue though! I bet Batman kicks the asses of all of the turtles but is fatigued enough for Master Splinter to beat the shit out of him. Then Master Splinter, being a kind and compassionate rat ninja master, will take Batman back to the Turtles' new underground lair where he'll tend to his wounds and revive him. Batman will hear the Turtles talking like teenagers and realize that they're heroes like him! Well, not like him. More like Daredevil. Although Daredevil is a lot like Batman. So maybe they are like him.

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