Monday, November 30, 2015

Titans Hunt #2

Let him go! Bismillah! We will not let him go! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh mamma mia, mamma mia! Mamma mia let me go!

Titans Hunt #2 Rating: No change. It's not like I should have expected anything different from a Teen Titans comic book. It's always all about the team. It's all about their fucked up lives and incestual relationships within the group. It's always about their mistakes and how they fix their mistakes and how they completely ignore everything in the world that doesn't begin and end with one of them. It's always about their nemeses who want nothing more than to destroy the Titans and so the Titans are always just fighting for their lives and hardly ever fighting to make the world a better place. It's always simply about themselves. Just like every other fucking teenager that ever lived! Unlike Batman and Superman who are adults and they're always fighting enemies who are trying to get revenge on them for constantly putting them in jail and...well, those were bad examples of adults. Adults usually fight to make the world a better place for themselves. So that' I think? Hmm. Can I start over before I have to apologize to teenagers?

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on Titans Hunt #2 over at Patreon!

New Suicide Squad #14

Doesn't this look like a wacky road trip of fun?

New Suicide Squad #14 Rating: No change. Still nobody died! What the fuck, Suicide Squad? Why are you fucking teasing me like this?! Fourteen issues plus an annual and this book has yet to kill anybody on the team! What pisses me off the most is that every issue begins with the introduction that states "Officially, they are called Task Force X. Unofficially, they have a more accurate name...Suicide Squad." It isn't accurate at all! Is there a dictionary in the offices at DC? I want somebody to go pick up that dictionary and look up the word "suicide"! Also look up the word "boomerang" because I don't think they understand what one is or how it works. Most of the time when you use the boomerang as a weapon, you don't charge the kangaroo, get right in its face, and hurl the boomerang as hard as you can so you inevitably completely miss while also getting kicked in the junk by the kangaroo. At least I don't think that's how you use one. The only boomerang I've ever thrown was one of those nerf ones that doesn't actually look like a boomerang but it still comes back when you throw it. Unless you threw it right at your sister's face and then it never comes back because your stupid mom locks it away in a drawer.

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on New Suicide Squad #14 over at Patreon!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Arak! (as seen in Telos)

Full Name: Arak Red-Hand (Bright-Sky-After-Storm)
Occupation: Shaman
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: He-No, the Thunder God (father), Star-of-Dawn (mother)
Group Affiliation: Quontauka Indian tribe, ally of Carolus Magnus
Base of Operations: 8th Century Europe, Asia, and America
First Appearance: WARLORD #48
Height: 6' Weight: 190 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

Among the last surviving members of the Quontauka Indian tribe, Arak was taken by the Vikings to medieval Europe, where he journeyed with his captors until setting out on his own.

With his own natural strength and his powerful otomahuk, Arak battled in the defense of the court of Carolus Magnus (also known as Charlemagne) in what has become Central Europe.

Searching to return to North America, Arak was slain in battle and his spirit rose to meet He-No, the Quontauka's God of Thunder, a spirit-being who is also his father.

Resurrected on Earth, Arak is now a mystical Shaman surviving in a world only beginning to understand science [For the majority of Americans, that would seemingly be the 21st Century.].

The extent of his Shaman abilities still unknown, Arak relies principally on his keen hunter's instincts, his great strength, and his mastery over both otomahuk and sword.

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on Telos #2 over at Patreon!

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on Lost Army #6 over at Patreon!

Harley Quinn #22

I feel a bit uncomfortable now. Is this comic book making light of domestic terrorism?!

Harley Quinn #22 Rating: No change. This comic book really doesn't hold my interest. It's the main reason why most of my commentaries on the Harley Quinn books are so short. I'm usually thinking about playing more Call of Duty or eating a huge slice of carrot cake or finally getting around to rewatching Wizards and Warriors for the first time since it aired on television in 1983. What I am not thinking about is how intriguing the plot of the comic book is or what themes might emerge if I looked closer at all the cock, beaver, and poop jokes. Normally I'd really be up for delving into cocks, beavers, and poop! But this comic book is skirting Giffen/DeMatteis territory. That means it's recycling the same jokes over and over again while keeping the main story as stale and predictable as possible. But I do love Chad Hardin's art!

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on Harley Quinn #22 over at Patreon!

Friday, November 27, 2015

Action Comics #46

Ain't these two just a couple of stinkers?

So there was a panel in the last issue of Action Comics that somehow slipped past me the first time I read it without a huge digression. My digression might not be as huge now but I'm going to pull it out anyway. That sentence was typed with a straight face.

What the fuck, Clark? What in the fucking fuck?!

So Clark Kent knows that Hiro is one of the worst kinds of criminal imaginable in a capitalist society and he's doing nothing about it? How many entrepreneurs and eager young inventors has Hiro ripped off and Clark thinks it's okay to give him a pass? Forget that Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is a journalist! Well, he was. This alone proves that he's the shittiest journalist ever who doesn't give a shit about people in the way that Clark Kent and Superman used to give a shit about people. I guess it's okay to avert your eyes to Hiro's crimes because Hiro has helped Superman defeat bad guys who actually punch things. Those are, apparently, the worst kinds of bad guys ever! White collar bad guys like Hiro though? Totally cool. No big deal. Steal people's ideas and make millions of dollars off of them. Where's the harm, right Clark?

Fuck you, Clark Kent! And by "Fuck you, Clark Kent", I actually mean "Fuck you, Greg Pak." But I didn't want this to devolve into personal attacks!

Last issue, Superman tracked some Supremacist bad guys (unlikeable bad guys who need to be stopped unlike helpful, likeable bad guys who make millions off of their toys) to their wrath factory. In doing so, he's been infected with the angry black tar.

Oh boy. More angry Superman.

I suppose Superman was called a Boy Scout for too long and it rubbed people at DC the wrong way because they decided "Boy Scout" was being used in a derogatory manner (which--come on!--it totally was). Most thinking people proud of the character they were presenting to the world would have shrugged their shoulders and thought, "Fine. Superman isn't for you. But some people love Boy Scouts! Really, really, really love Boy Scouts! You know the people I'm talking about." But instead, the DC Powers That Be would rather be thought of as cool and hip. So their reaction was more like, "Oh? Oh? You don't like Superman like this? He's too gay, right? So gay! And by 'gay' we totally mean 'lame' even thought we're not supposed to use it that way anymore but it's still kind of cool and rebellious to use it that way and the type of people who hate Boy Scout Superman are the type of people we want to like Superman and they're the type to still call lame stuff gay! So, um, how about angry Superman who is angry and beats people up even when there's no need to beat them up? People seem to like Batman and Batman does that a lot! So maybe if we just wrote Batman but put an 'S' on his chest and called him Superman, would that make the jerks we want to please happy?! Let's try it! And while we're at it, can we institute a policy that all women at future office parties have to wear short skirts and no underwear?!"

I just realized at the end of that DC Powers That Be quote that I was really just writing my version of Eddie Berganza (which is probably a spot on impression of the real one!).

So some security robots show up to murder Superman and all of the test subjects including Lee Lemaris. Was that her name? Was she a mermaid?

I guess the angry black tar has made him more powerful? Or is this just his regular old non-powered power levels? I'm so confused by his abilities right now!

Superman defeats this batch of Supremacists and the police vocalize their appreciation of Superman doing their job for them. They would have to be idiotic jerks not to appreciate it! They're still getting paid and they didn't have to risk their lives? Superman is a cop's best friend! Although they might look bad because a vigilante did their job for them. But they'll be okay. Gotham cops suffer through that indignity on a daily basis.

Superman leaves the people he freed to be picked up and experimented on by John Henry. But it's okay that they'll be test subjects this time because they're not free to live their own lives at the behest of good people! It's totally different! Superman heads out to find Wrath so he can destroy this story arc and get his powers back! And hopefully let his hair grow out a bit because that buzz cut is not working for him.

Superman can now phase through shadows. Maybe he'll get to keep this power for awhile because remember how popular Superman was when he was made out of electricity?! People still clamor for those days! In ten years when Superman is an overpowered Boy Scout again, people will sit on their porches drinking Mint Juleps while daintily dabbing watermelon juice from their chin and sigh, "Remember tha days when Supahman was angry and could walk through shadows?" Then they'll sigh and go back to reading the new Batman by Scott Lobdell.

While in the shadows, Clark and Wrath are able to talk with each other. Wrath explains to Clark that the plan is to infect everybody with the angry black tar makes them feel more alive and can be used for good! Clark points out that maybe she should have called herself something other than "Wrath" if she wanted him to believe her plan was benevolent.

Lee follows Superman because Greg Pak seems to think Superman needs a powerful female and/or a thieving Asian sidekick on every adventure. That's fine. I just wish he didn't think Superman needed to have no powers, a haircut, and an angry attitude.

Superman is an undeadaphobe.

That's a pretty strange conclusion to jump to, Superman. Undead are easy vessels for Wrath to fill? Why would you think that? Frankenstein is a fully fleshed out personality just like every other unundead person you've ever met. Why should Frankenstein be easy to fill simply because he's an animated corpse? Seems like a prejudiced response to me!

Wrath appears to Lee to comment on the battle between Superman and Frankenstein. She points out that Superman isn't angry and brutal because of the angry black tar. The angry black tar just reveals the anger and brutality that was already within him. Normally, I'd argue that Wrath was a huge liar and that her underpants were on fire and that I couldn't wait until they burned away so I could get a glimpse of her secret bits. But Superman has been acting like a completely psychotically violent nutjob practically since The New 52 began. This angry punching persona is his natural state! And, judging by Dark Superman in Justice League, it's what everybody wants. I wish I were infected with angry black tar so that I could just give in and accept newfangled jerko Superman just like everybody else! I wonder if black tar heroin is the same as angry black tar? Even if it's not, it will probably stop me from caring about DC ruining Superman.

You can tell this is the angry bad Superman because of the tar goatee.

Action Comics #46 Rating: No change. Greg Pak continues to display his ignorance of Superman as a character. I suppose it's not his fault. He's writing the Superman the idiotic masses seem to want. He's less powerful so nobody has to worry about Marvel Fans pointing out how ridiculous his power levels are. He's angry so nobody will ever call him a Boy Scout again. He got a hair cut just in case people were making fun of his infantile spit curl. He's constantly battling by the side of a minority just in case people try to point out how overly white and male his adventures are. He's wearing a shirt and jeans so nobody is debating whether underwear should be worn on the outside or the inside. I guess those are the fixes Superman needed? And so what if he's not heroic anymore? Who cares if he's constantly battling personal problems and doesn't have time for anybody else? Who cares if he's not an inspiration to people to better themselves and fight for truth and justice and...well, maybe not exactly the American way since that way is violent and imperialistic. Who the fuck cares, right? I mean besides me.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1

Why is roided out Billy Batson wearing a Superman costume?

If I were The Atom, I would win every battle because I would make sure everybody knew my go-to move. I'd shrink down to microscopic size so that nobody could find me. I'd enter into the person's urethra. Then I'd explode into my normal size. I suppose that would probably kill any females so I might have to think up a different move to get them to surrender. Although I can't be sure because I don't really know how pee leaves a woman! I mean, I know it sprays out of them in such a way that it gets underneath the front of the toilet seat which they never lift so they don't realize just how disgusting they are until some guy leaves the seat up and then they see the mess and blame it on a guy. This is easily proven if you're a woman. After peeing, lift up the toilet seat and watch as your pee drips down the back of the toilet because it sprayed all over the bottom of the ring! How do you manage that?! You're sitting right there with everything practically already in the toilet! At least guys have an excuse because they have to aim about a foot away and also sometimes their urethra's opening is all gummed up from dried semen and it sprays all funky. Oh, also guys are fucking careless jerks who sometimes try to multitask while peeing and don't realize their penis isn't pointing exactly in the right direction. Although it's a lot more complicated than women realize! You try peeing with a fire hose! Especially a really small fire hose that practically points straight at the toilet tank! I mean, um, a really big fire hose that's totally too hard to control because it's so big and girthy and satisfying!

This is a tiny comic book! That means it needs a tiny review! And since changing the font size is too much work, I'll just keep this review short! Short is a synonym for tiny!

This tiny comic book begins with The Atom feeling sorry for himself in such a way that he shits all over science by showing how emotions don't obey general relativity or special relativity or any kind of relativity at all except maybe the relativity of love stinks. The great scientist J. Geils discovered that equation. J. Geils also pioneered the science of pissing on walls and freezing frames. And yet somehow, J. Geils has never earned the Nobel Prize.

Ray says a lot of things that sound like things Brian Azzarello loves to write. He likes to write...not quite puns so much but...well, I don't know. You can tell he loves words and their inherent ambiguities and double or triple meanings. He's a wordsmith in the most annoying way! Like Keith Giffen is a Dialogue Knotmaster. They don't make reading their stuff easy! I mean, this stuff by Azzarello is definitely easier to read than when Giffen is really going gangbusters at Giffening some nutty dialogue. So I guess I'm giving Azzarello a compliment? Maybe?

Lara Kent (unless she took her mother's last name which would make her Lara Woman) stops by with a jar full of miniature people and a favor to ask on their behalf.

I had to scan this page to see if the Kandorian actually had some tiny writing but it was only scribbles.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1 Rating: I'm not rating this! It's just supplemental to The Master Race comic book! It's totally adorable and a cute way to tell a story parallel to the main story. I said that I wasn't sure if DK III: The Master Race was worth more than $4.50 but now I have to admit that it's well worth the six dollars because it had a cute little free comic book inside of it! Everything is better when it has something inside of it that you weren't expecting! Unless that surprise is a fetus and that something is your significant other.

Dark Knight III: The Master Race #1

I touched up the cover because it's already covered in Thanksgiving fingerprints.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Here's a free review for all the cheapskates! Thanks to all the non-cheapskates too! You'll get a little something extra special coming up!

Some people will dispute my choice to call this "Dark Knight III" when it obviously just says "DK III" on the cover. But my brain will not allow me to see "DK" as anything except Donkey Kong so I'm willing to brave the slings and arrows of insufferable internet bastards who are also, thankfully, imaginary.

It's been a long time since I've read The Dark Knight Returns and I'm not sure I've even read Return of The Dark Knight Strikes Back so I hope I can follow this series. Here's a refresher for the two or three people who know even less about the series than I do! You'll be thankful for my always pithy insights to the previous books. In the first series, Batman and Superman fought and Batman somehow didn't turn into a pile of ashes. There was a female Robin. The government didn't like Batman. I think? Gangs of goggle wearing weirdos were running amok. Did The Joker and Batman ride in the Tunnel of Love? Was that part of that series? Man, maybe you should ignore my pithy insights because I think I might be using pithy incorrectly.

I'm fairly certain I never read the second series. So I'm totally set to read the third part of a trilogy I can't remember and haven't read all of!

The issue begins with a kid being chased by cops in the Narrows. You might be thinking it's a white kid because I just said "kid" and you're a racist asshole who assumes if I don't put a racial modifier on "kid" than the kid must be white. But he wasn't. That's probably why the cops were chasing him. Look, we all live in America. No, no. Don't argue. If you don't live in America, you just think you don't live in America because America is like a violently patriotic sneeze-fit mist covering the world. It's an idea that has permeated the logic of everything, making us all see through red-, white-, and blue-tinted glasses. I didn't specify that it wasn't a curse. I'm just saying it's the way things are. Anyway, we all live in America. Shh! Shh! Don't argue because then I'll just have to say it again so I can get to my thought. And living in America, we all understand that if you're black, you're already a suspect. If you don't believe that then you're desperately living in a state of denial rivaling that of parents who think their daughter broke curfew because she "fell asleep watching movies on her boyfriend's couch." Hey parents? They were fucking. The kids were fucking and that's why they got home late. Deal with it. Anyway, nothing proves the point more that black Americans live in a state of perpetual suspectness more than the fact that unarmed black men are regularly shot by police while white men with assault rifles can march around freely in public citing open carry laws. I don't see any police giving black males the benefit of the doubt when they're walking around with an object that might be a gun if you squint a little bit and are a racist cop.

Some people defend cops citing that their job is dangerous and they need every means at their disposal to protect themselves. But that doesn't mean it's not racist that part of the means of protecting themselves is shooting black males at the drop of practically anything because the cops fear black males. That's racist. Believing that black males are more likely to commit violent crimes is also racist which perpetuates the fear of black males which causes more of them to get shot by police because police think they're all up to no good and can kill with wallets or cigarettes or just...I don't know... laser eyes. Do black males have laser eyes? If they had laser eyes, I might defend the police. But I'm fairly certain black males do not have laser eyes.

Anyway, this kid snaps some pictures of Batman beating up the cops about to shoot the kid.

That'll do, Batman. That'll do.

Oh wait! It's the pig that's told "That'll do" and not the guy slaughtering the pig! I always get Babe mixed up with eating bacon. You know where you went wrong, pigs? You should never have developed a body that contains so many different tastes in it! Bacon. Ham. Pork chops. Cracklings! You're a white trash buffet on legs! You really should have evolved to taste like vegetables. But then I guess mankind would never have welcomed you into his barnyard to eat the corpses of his victims, would he?

The kid's photos go viral which must mean they infect a lot of people and make them sick. Which they do! Everybody is upset seeing Batman beating up cops. I don't see anybody saying anything clever like "Well, I guess the Bat watches the watchmen from his bat tower of bats!" I wish I were clever so I could come up with examples of clever things people might say. People should be grateful that Batman is keeping cops in line but I guess nobody wants a mysterious masked man taking the law into his own hands when they have unmasked cops doing that already.

For the record, I'm pro Batman beating up cops in a comic book. I'm sure he has a good reason because this is a contrived plot written by writers who I trust to have an interesting story in mind. It might not be a good story but it will probably be coherent and interesting. If Batman were beating up cops in a Lobdell comic book, I might not be in favor of that. Mostly I wouldn't be in favor of Lobdell writing another comic book. Haven't we been tortured enough?

Meanwhile in the Amazon (maybe?)...

Why isn't there lightning behind the Minocentaur? There should be lightning.

A Minocentaur! That sounds like a job for Wonder Woman! Which it totally is. I wonder if Wonder Woman ever gets tired of having to be the hero to battle anything mythological? It's as if her ultimate nemesis is a twelve year old boy with dozens of dice stuffed into a purple Crown Royal bag tied to his belt loop.

The Minocentaur reminds me that it's Thanksgiving and I'm all prepared for my annual Thanksgiving tradition which I've been partaking of whenever I could since I was just a small boy! I have a bag of nacho flavored chips, a can of bean dip, and two Ray Harryhausen movies saved to my DVR! When I was much younger and Thanksgiving took place at my grandparents' house just a few houses down from my mom's house, I used to walk over early and sit in the living room watching Jason and the Argonauts or The 7th Voyage of Sinbad while my grandmother cooked and family slowly trickled in. Thanks to the resurgence of broadcast television stations showing old television shows and movies, I now have both of those movies saved to my DVR and it's time to watch them while stuffing my face! That's what Thanksgiving means to me! I love you, Grandma and Grandpa even though you're just memories in my head! You were the best!

Wonder Woman goes meta for a bit and talks about comic book heroes and how the story is always about the heroes saving people who eventually turn on them like xenophobic, fearful rat bastards. But the heroes continue to save the worthless sputtering fools because that's what has to happen in a comic book or nobody is going to continue to buy them. At least not super hero comic books. There has to be a minimum amount of heroics and punching or a super hero comic book just becomes an indie comic book and then the writing has to be intelligent or nobody will buy it. At least with super hero comic books, the writing can be (and usually is!) complete shit and people are still willing to buy them because "LOOK AT DAVID FINCH'S ART OMG! I COULD MASTURBATE TO THESE WAY TOO YOUNG LOOKING WOMEN ALL DAY LONG!"

Speaking of masturbating! Here's Wonder Woman's naked boob! Sure, she's using it to feed a baby just like boobs are intended but look at it! It's naked!

The above scan is probably some kind profound commentary on life and death but I was too distracted by the nipple to form any coherent thoughts on the subject. Death. Life. Whatever.

Some of you might be wondering what else I'm going to eat on Thanksgiving besides chips and bean dip, right? So I'm cooking a Tofurkey loaf which will probably offend a lot of sensibilities but you shouldn't judge because look at what judging constantly has done for me! I'm just a bitter, cynical tofurkey eater. I will also be eating broccoli and waffle fries! I think the "Tofurkey Feast" also came with some brownies or something. Speaking of the "Tofurkey Feast," the package was a little bit depressing. It comes with some Tofurkey Jerky (god, I hate that I'm eating this product now!) that is stuck together to be used as a fake wishbone. The package tells the purchaser to "find a friend" to pull the jerky apart. It doesn't say "Grab a beloved family member and have fun!" No. It pretty much says, "Pause your Ray Harryhausen movie, leave your pathetically empty domicile in which you are planning to eat an entire Tofurkey Loaf all on your own, and hunt down a 'friend' so you can enjoy at least fifteen seconds of human warmth and compassion on this day! Enjoy!"

Wonder Woman heads back to her home in the Amazon because that's where Amazons should live! Not on some Greek island! It's right there in the name! Her child is named Jonathan because it's probably named after its grandfather. She also has a daughter named Lara who is named after a mermaid or maybe Superman's mom or something. What am I? A Superman scholar?! This is supposed to be a comic book about Batman!

Lara is currently bothering her father in his Fortress of Solitude because she doesn't know what words mean. It's not the Fortress of Drop In Anytime! Give the guy some privacy!

It's at this point in the comic book when I find a little surprise! It's a tiny Atom comic book inside a regular-sized Batman comic book! It's so adorable! Am I supposed to read it now?! I guess I should save it for my next commentary! Even though this is super adorable, don't think I'm not angry that I have yet another comic book to write about! More work?! Dammit! This is supposed to be America's favorite holiday! Right after the one where you get to blow stuff up and cause forest fires. I think that one's more popular although the food is way shittier. How can somebody love the 4th of July better than Thanksgiving when you're probably eating goddamn hot dogs and overly cooked Father burgers!? Gross!

Before continuing on reading this comic, I carefully remove The Atom comic book and then remove the little glue strips that helped hold it in place so that the tab it was stuck to doesn't stick to the facing page. Look at me! I'm a good comic book collector! I mean, I'm not a saint or anything. I don't use backing boards at all! Oh, shut up! You and your backing boards can go fuck a hobo! No offense, hobos.

INTERMISSION! For me, not for you. You can keep reading if you'd like but I'm going to go eat! Happy Thanksgiving! Even to y'all who aren't in America because remember that mist? Celebrate with us, dammit!

So, I was watching Gotham either last week or the week before (every episode just sort of washes into the other like water colors I'm pissing on) and Lee decided to tell Gordon how to ease into something. She uses juggling as an explanation. She explained that first you learn to juggle with two balls and then you add another. WRONG! Juggling two balls is completely different than juggling three balls! It's a completely different skill, you stupid whore! And I mean "whore" not as an insult (the stupid part was the insult) but as a mention of her previous character work on Firefly. Juggling an even amount of balls (or pins (or kittens)) is a completely different skill than juggling an odd number! Duh! Oh, I think that was a Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy! I think that needs a theme song.

Okay, now that I've eased myself back into the commentary after stuffing my face (just like going from two balls to three while juggling!), I'm ready to talk about Superman's role in Donkey Kong III: The Master Mario Kart.

His role is an ice cube maker.

While visiting her father and trying to work through some really serious Daddy Issues, Lara finds Kal's pet Kandorians starving in their jar. I was worry about pets whose owners die or disappear without anybody knowing that they should check on the pet and take care of it. It must be so lonely waiting for your monkey friend to come home and it never does. Then it must be really lonely and painful as the monkey friend with the helpful thumbs that can actually get at all of the food never bothers to return. Everybody who has pets should have a plan in place to take care of the pets should something devastating happen to them! Then I won't feel randomly sad when I think about it! Jerks.

I just finished watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and I was happy that they brought up the idea of everybody pleading not guilty by reason of mind control in every single court case that will ever happen until the end of time once mind control becomes a standard thing. I've only mentioned it about a dozen times during that Doomed Superman story arc as well as, I'm sure, multiple other places.

Back in Gotham, Batman beats up some more cops. That's what they get for chasing him! Haven't any of them been paying attention? He's better at police brutality than the police are! At least until one of them gets a lucky shot in that knocks Batman down so they can start beating the shit out of him with their batons. Please! As if Batman can be hurt by nightsticks! That's like spanking a fifteen year old! You're only punishing yourself because the fifteen year old isn't going to be hurt but they're certainly going to resent you! And have you ever lived in a house with a resentful teenager? I mean one that wasn't you? It's practically impossible!

The current commissioner arrives on the scene of the mass taste of their own medicine and manages to cuff Batman since he's exhausted, beaten, and probably shot in a couple of places. Like the side of the head and maybe an extremity and possibly the vagina.

Yes, this Batman has a vagina. It must be Carrie.

Before passing out, Carrie mentions that Bruce Wayne is dead. Ha ha!

DK III: The Master Race #1 Rating: I enjoyed this! It's like a comic book that's a comic book which means more than it sounds like it means! But I don't have to explain myself. I'm tired of everybody having to explain themselves! If only we had a way to silence the people who don't understand things so we can have discussions that don't need to constantly be footnoted and explained and aren't interrupted by morons Googling the definition of some not-even-obscure word you used! Whoops! I'm getting ranty for no reason! I meant to say that this comic book might be saying that women are the Master Race (even though that's not a race! Just stick with me on this!) since the Commissioner, Batman, Superman, and even Wonder Woman are all women in this comic book! Oh boy! I bet all of Frank Miller's misogynist fanboys (I like to use "fangender" but in this case I think it's safe to say "Frank Miller's fanboys!") have just lost their erections! I bet they were all "Womens?! In comic books?! Ptui! Where's all the beefcock?! I mean beefcake! I mean rugged, heroic white male role models?!" I suppose all the women in the comic book are white though so maybe everybody's first reaction to the title, "The Master Race", was spot on! This comic book may not be worth the six dollars it costs to every Batman fan but it was definitely worth the $4.50 that I paid for it! Local comic book store discounts for the win! Happy Thanksgiving, America and American-Mist-covered countries to boot!
<> Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!

Batman and Robin Eternal #8

It's a good thing I have an extremely healthy and not at all demented, weird, or scary relationship with my mother or else this commentary would be a disaster.

This issue begins several years ago when Bruce and Dick were visiting Prague to see the ballet "Giselle." They were also busy searching for Scarecrow and--for reasons too incomprehensible for this World's Worst Detective (me!)--seem to believe that Scarecrow has decided to take in a ballet. Bruce is probably doing that thing he does on a daily basis where he lies to his sidekick. "Sure, Dick! Scarecrow loves ballet! He's definitely going to be here if he could get tickets! Why don't you sit through the entire ballet while I go look around for hot chicks?" Then Dick was all, "Yay! Culture!"

No bipeds allowed!

Bruce Wayne runs into Mother in the past just as Dick Grayson runs into Mother in the future! I mean, not at the same time but on the same page. Comics are weird.

Harper and Cassie are busy battling ballerinas which is a phrase I don't get to use as often as I'd like. Although their radio communications sound like maybe they're up to something else?

Dick? Dick?...Cooch!

Mother must think she's talking to Jason Todd because she plays on Dick's low self-esteem to try to get him to come over to her side. But Dick doesn't have low self-esteem. What he actually has is a tight ass and a big cock. You have to have a big cock to have the kind of confidence Dick Grayson displays. When I see a really confident woman, I always think to myself, "She must have the biggest penis in the room." Then I try to imagine what a lady penis looks like. You'd think I'd have seen one by now but when you enter "lady penis" into a search engine, you just get pictures of regular guy penises but on ladies. I'm certain at least one other set of genitalia exist! I also asked Lord Google to show me some images of "cooch" because I think that's slang for "lady penis" but it didn't really help. Instead it just gave me back images like this:

And this!

And this too!

Interneting is hard!

Harper drops a huge chandelier on a bunch of ballerinas and probably kills them. No way is she as good as Batman at judging how much damage a person can take so that they won't die while Batman's still on scene. And even Batman would have a hard time guessing that dropping a chandelier on a dozen ballerinas from fifty feet up wouldn't crush any skulls or lady penises.

Mother tells Dick that Batman was looking for a less wussified Robin when he and Dick came to Prague. Dick asks her which Robin she gave Batman as if he doesn't already know! It's obviously Jason Todd! Except, of course, it will be none of them. But Mother is just doing what Mother's do best! She's sowing the seeds of discord among siblings and being super passive-aggressive while doing it! My mom, while showing the Non-Certified Spouse pictures of my cousin Jason from years ago, said, "He was so adorable. He was like the son I never had!" I was sitting two feet away, Mother! Jesus Christ! And you probably still wonder why we didn't talk for four years that one time!

Back in the past, Bruce Wayne simply asks Mother for a bride while placing a tracker on her coat. He doesn't ask for a little boy at all because that would be disgusting! He simply wants a woman with a tragic history that was used against her to turn her into a willing and obedient sex slave!

While Cassie and Harper continue to be part of the murder ballet, Mother makes Dick an offer that he'd better accept because I want answers more than I want to see Cassie and Harper survive. Call me selfish all you want! It's nothing my Mother hasn't already said hundreds of times!

Go with Mother! Trust your sidekicks! That's what Batman would do! Unless the "trust" part was really just "Well, I can get another one if one of them dies."

Dick chooses Cassie and Harper. Idiot! That's why Batman needed a different Robin! And then Cassie runs off because Harper pulls her hair. I'm sure that's Dick's fault too.

Meanwhile in Gamorra, Jason Todd and Tim Drake track down some tech guy who's tripping on Scarecrow toxin. I guess that crap will be explained next week.

Batman and Robin Eternal #8 Rating: No change. Not much was learned this week because Dick fucked up and didn't go with Mother. I guess he didn't have much of a choice. The batch of sidekicks he works with are all so traumatized by every little thing Batman ever did to them, they're always looking for Batman's faults in everybody else. So if Dick had gone off to find out Mother's secrets, Harper and Cass would have been pissed that he left them the way Batman would have (although Batman hasn't ever worked with Cassie (that I know of!) and Batman ditched Harper every chance he got so he wouldn't have to train her). And since he stayed to help, they were all, "We had it covered, jerko! Don't you trust our abilities!?" Okay, they weren't that upset about Dick's help. Cassie may have been since all she can say is "Mother," I don't know how to interpret that word in this situation. I can't wait until Issue #24 when the first secret of the story will finally be revealed!

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Batman and Robin Eternal #7

Why is the air in Prague full of knives and throwing stars? Climate change?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: "Throwing Stars" are also called "shurikens" or "ninja stars" or "murder snowflakes."

This issue's script is by Genevieve Valentine so I expect it will suddenly be a mafia story whose theme revolves around an Elizabethan love letter. That means things are going to get weird between Bruce and Dick, doesn't it? I suspect Crane's Fear Toxin will play a large part. Also Batman's penis.

Years ago, Batman designed a Batcave in Prague. Years later, Dick, Cassie, and Harper are hanging out in it. It's less a Batcave and more a Batossuary. But I think that's standard in Prague. Fully seventy percent of all buildings in Prague are actually ossuaries. That's another fun fact from a twelve year old boy! Would you like another?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: Pegasus is not a race of winged horses, you stupid fucking moron. It's a unique creature born out of the blood of Medusa's decapitated face. Duh.

Sometimes fun facts from twelve year old boys can be a little aggressive. There's also a greater than even chance that they're wrong but don't argue with a twelve year old boy about it because most of them are stubborn assholes who have no concept of "being incorrect."

Who lost a foot? Orphan lost a foot? Didn't he lose a hand? Have I been wrong about anatomy my whole life?!

While Harper and Cassie go on a secret mission to protect a ballerina, Jason Todd and Tim Drake visit an island that I didn't think existed anymore: Gamorra. Didn't Black Canary blow it up with her Canary Cry? Has there ever been a lamer name for a super power that can blow up a person's head? Maybe I shouldn't ask that. Super hero comic books have existed for over seventy-five years, most of which was Golden and Silver Age stories full of lame and ridiculous things. Modern comic books aren't much better! I don't think adding grim grittiness really improves them at all. They just cause twelve year old boys to start using the word "fuck" a lot more.

Tim is trying to solve a mystery but Jason just wants to talk about Tim punching Dick. Hey, English speaking countries? Can we retire the name Richard? Or, at the very least (the extremely very least!), stop using Dick as a nickname for Richard? How mature must a person be to embrace the name "Dick"?! And how do they find friends who aren't constantly making jokes about their name? I'm just too immature not to become completely distracted after typing a sentence like "Tim punching Dick." How does one ignore that?! And DC Comics doesn't help matters when I'm reading about Dick Grayson because DC Comics only knows how to print capital letters! So "Dick" and "dick" just become "DICK" which sometimes causes confusion! How do I know when Batman is calling Grayson by name or just angry with him?!

Tim admits to being a robot and Jason admits to being an alcoholic. It's a really great bonding experience that--for once--doesn't involve DICK at all.

Cassie is happy to have some airflow around her vagina. That leather suit she seemingly never gets out of must smell horrible.

Just to derail any notions that the above caption was a "vaginas smell" joke, I'd say the same thing about a guy wearing a leather suit constantly. Sweaty ball syndrome happens in light, airy pants; I can't imagine how awful it must be in leather pants. It's probably like the most vile stew imaginable. On other people, of course! If it's your own body and your own sweaty leather suit, you'd probably stick your nose deep in the crotch after taking it off and inhale a nice big whiff! Being comfortable with your own bodily smells (more than comfortable, really! Enjoying them is closer to the truth) is probably proof that a person can learn to enjoy the taste of any food. I have no doubt that all of the smells coming off of my body would be disgusting if I couldn't smell for my entire life and then tomorrow I suddenly could. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! But after just a few years of constantly farting on yourself, you acclimate to your distinctive farty stench. It's the same way with food! If you eat something enough, your sense of smell begins to accept it and stops trying to make you throw up every time you try to put it in your mouth. Now it sounds like I'm talking about DICK again!

At the ballet, Cassie repeats the only word she apparently knows: "Mother." She says it because the prima ballerina looks like Mother. I think. Cassie doesn't really explain herself.

Dick Grayson follows the tracer put on Orphan and winds up at the ballet as well. He finds the tracer but no Orphan and realizes it was a trap! It's refreshing to see a hero fall into a trap unexpectedly rather than having to be so smart that they know something is a trap but then jump into the trap anyway because "It's the only way!"

The entire ballet turns on Harper and Cassie and rush the audience. The rest of the audience goes, "Well, this is different! Bravo! Or Brava! One of those!" Backstage, Dick meets Mother. I think. Apparently he's met her before. Probably years ago when he and Bruce attended Giselle which I'd know was also a ballet if that stupid fucking twelve year old boy actually knew some facts about things that mattered. Does ballet matter?

Batman and Robin Eternal #7 Rating: No change. Mother is super old (you can tell because she's a comic book female with actual lines on her face) which means that she's been in business for years. Has she been in business long enough to have been behind Bruce's parents' murder?! Did he somehow get away from Mother? She had to have been doing this long enough for Bruce's peers to have wives who grew up with Mother. Anyway, this reminded me that Batman supposedly murdered a couple to orphan their daughter in Egypt. Obviously that's some kind of misleading bit to shock the audience into thinking Batman was up to some vile crap or mind-controlled. But I wonder if the way Mother keeps this whole sex slave organization secret is to have her customers commit a murder to orphan a child when they purchase an older model brainwashed orphan. That keeps the stock fresh! So if Bruce wants to infiltrate Mother's organization by seeming to be interested in buying a bride of his own, he would have to pretend to orphan a child himself. None of that has anything to do with the comic book I just read but it was all about Cassie wetting herself over ballet and I didn't really have much else to say about that.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Batman Europa #1

Is this the Jim Lee Didn't Make His Deadline So Just Print Whatever He's Done So Far Variant?

I have no idea what this comic book is about but it says Batman on the cover so I was obligated to buy it. Plus it's a Joker story! This will probably be one of those stories that will define the Batman/Joker relationship for the current generation of comic book fans in much the way all of those other super important Joker stories defined it for previous generations. You know those stories? The ones I can't think of right now? I think one had a smiling goldfish or something? And one of them redefined Batgirl pretty seriously. And one of them was Cesar Romero! And one of them was voiced by Mark Hamill! And probably some other ones that you're screaming at your computer screen right now and adding, "Grandmaster Comic Book Reader my grandmother's asshole!" You're so filthy!

This issue begins with an ending because that's totally clever and post-whatever. It's the kind of thing a writer comes up with while sipping his white mocha with a hint of raspberry and staring at the ceiling of his non-Starbucks local coffee house while chewing on the end of a pencil that the writer only uses for thinking. Then the writer goes, "A-ha! I've got it! I'll begin the story by saying, 'This is how the story ends!' Fucking brilliantly clever! Over the top! Grade the best! Where's my pat-myself-on-the-back machine?!"

When I turn the page, The Joker and Batman had better be engaged in really rough sex because I'm pretty sure that both Batman and Joker knew their relationship would, at some point, end in violence.

Batman mentions that he can hardly breathe and The Joker is laughing. Apparently they're both dying but I'm not sure if it's because they were fighting or fuckfighting. Crossing my fingers for the fuckfighting twist!

I will give all of my money to Azzarello and Casali if Batman and The Joker kiss passionately on the next page!

Dammit! I have to keep my money!

What Batman/Joker story has yet to be told that this four issue miniseries was too important not to publish? Does everybody have to write a "Last Joker Story" or a "Last Batman Story"?! It must be a rite of passage. And since Batman will never die because DC Comics loves money (who doesn't?!), everybody gets to write their take on a final Batman story. And usually that story includes The Joker because he's Batman's funhouse mirror image.

The Batman and Joker dying part was one of those false starts comic books love to use because they know most comic book readers will grow bored with a story if they don't feel anchored to a scene deeper in the story. Now after reading the part about Batman and Joker dying, readers will feel comfortable as they plod steadily along thinking, "Oh boy! Oh boy! I can't wait until that part where Batman and The Joker are about to die! It's so exciting! When it happens, I might pump my fist in the air and yell, 'Yeah!' Then I'll find somebody to high five and point out how awesome the moment was because I knew it was going to happen and then it happened and I was all, 'I knew that was going to happen!'"

The real beginning is a fight between Batman and Killer Croc. And even though Killer Croc is far stronger than Batman, Batman beats him down yet again. Because--as Batman points out early so readers don't sit there thinking, "Wait a second! How come Killer Croc isn't breaking every single one of Batman's bones with every punch? This isn't very realistic at all!"--Killer Croc has no skill! He's just a brawler without any experience! He punches like a guy who needs a coach to teach him how to punch.

But Batman barely wins because there's something wrong! No way! What could be wrong with Batman?! I bet it's food poisoning. Alfred is fired.

It turns out it isn't food poisoning. Or, if it is, Alfred doesn't want to be fired at all so he made up a fake virus called Colossus that will kill Batman in one week. That should distract Batman long enough for Alfred to clean up the kitchen.

No way this virus hasn't given Batman diarrhea. And no way Killer Croc didn't hit Batman hard enough to have an accident. Batman definitely shit himself earlier.

Alfred suggests that the virus must be from The Joker and that it originated in Berlin. The kitchen must really need to be hosed down!

Batman travels to Berlin and sees everything through the lenses of World War II and the Cold War. Hey, Batman! The wall fell twenty-six years ago! Maybe the Germans are tired of everybody seeing Nazis around every corner and Soviets lining every Straße in the east! Why can't Americans move past equating Germany with World War II? Yes, Berlin was a divided city that defined the Allies utter failure in resolving the war and freeing all countries from tyranny. I guess as long as the European countries that Americans could name were free, the war was over and everything was good! Plus, I don't think you can be a sane country with a perfect record and decide, "You know what? Let's go to fucking war with Russia to make sure Eastern Europe remains free!" You really have to consider your perfect record up until that point. And looking back on it, it was probably a good decision because America had another two or three decades to bask in their undefeated status before bringing home the loss from Vietnam. Korea was, at best, undecided but undecided enough for America to talk it up like a win.

It's actually too bad America lost the Vietnam War because after that, we had nothing to lose. We could get into conflicts willy-nilly and not give a shit how much of a boondoggle the war would become because we weren't risking our perfect record! Stupid Vietnam!

Batman's detective work in Berlin amounts to following a low level criminal around the city. He winds up in the east side of Berlin because that's obviously going to be the wurst neighborhood. Ha ha!

Alfred's instincts didn't cause this, World's Lamest Detective.

Batman continues with his history lesson of Berlin and what the city means. I think the point is that Berlin is two cities in one. Most notably West and East although historically Cölln and Berlin. Get it? Two halves of one whole! Like Batman and The Joker! West Berlin is rich and prosperous and sort of pretends to care about Easterners while East Berlin is full of death and gas and morbid laughter! I think. That's what my shitty American text books say.

Batman tracks down The Joker by beating up a bunch of Germans. When did the title "World's Greatest Detective" begin to mean so little? Instead of doing actual detective work, all Batman does is beat the shit out of people to gain information!

Batman discovers that The Joker is sick with the same virus. Which can only mean one thing--if I'm doing my mental arithmetic correctly: Batman and The Joker had sex!

Or, um, this other stupid thing that isn't as good.

Batman Europa #1 Rating: This was decent but not much better than any average comic book. Maybe if I were more visually stimulated (which I should be seeing as how I'm reading comic books!), I'd think it was better. Who knows?! Time to speculate on how this series is going to end! Batman and The Joker both have the same deadly virus! But I bet it isn't the same at all! I bet each virus is actually the cure for the other! So the way to save Berlin was to bring down the wall for a unified city! So the only way to save Batman and The guessed it! Unsafe anal sex!

Batman Europa #1

Is this the Jim Lee Didn't Make His Deadline So Just Print Whatever He's Done So Far Variant?

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Constantine the Hellblazer #6

Homophobic zombies are the worst.

I feel like "homophobic zombies" is a redundant phrase. Before the theme of zombie movies became the less than subtle "humans are the most dangerous monsters," wasn't the theme usually something along the lines of the loss of critical thought multiplied by apathy and increased by the power of selfish desires turns people into unthinking creatures driven by consumerism, prejudice, and fear? Wait. Are we currently living in a zombie apocalypse?! That's too bad because I don't own a shotgun. My only weapon is this blog and that's just fucking pathetic. And now I'm asking people to pay for it! Christ, who do I think I am? Christ? Although for just one dollar per month, you can enjoy being blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words on a daily basis! You know what? It's probably a good thing I don't own a shotgun.

Has anybody tried defeating zombies with Pop Rocks? I don't know how it would work but I think I've grabbed hold of the tail of some fantastic scheme!

This story has nothing to do with Pop Rocks but you'll realize why I thought of it after I tell it. One time, I was on LSD while at the Great America amusement park in Santa Clara, California. My friend Mike and I were walking up to stand in line for The Demon (standing in line for a roller coaster while on LSD is like a sine wave ranging from overwhelming hilarity to soul-crushing paranoia). A small boy was standing around the front of the roller coaster where you enter. As I passed him, he looked up at me, held out a long sparkling plastic package and said, "Want some Fizz?" My eyes grew huge, I held out both hands as if I were pleading for alms, and said, "Yes. Please." Fizz, if you've never had it, is a hard candy with a center that fizzles like burning gunpowder when it hits your tongue. Except it isn't painful like I imagine a mouthful of burning gunpowder would be. If I were of a religious bent, I would claim that boy was a small miracle sent from heaven to provide me with an experience I didn't know I needed while tripping balls. I would probably also be really fucking annoying and use the word "blessed" way too fucking often. I would also need to look up the definition of the word "miracle" and stop using it in cases that most obviously aren't. I'm glad I'm not of a religious bent!

Constantine isn't religious either although I think maybe he should be. He does deal with demons and angels a bit too much for him to logically be anything but a believer. He might be a self-hating agnostic though.

The issue begins with Constantine dealing with a health and safety violation in his apartment building.

I feel like this would be less annoying than a tenant living with a dog.

The little girl turns out to be Walter, an ex-Arch-Duke of Hell. He figured Constantine would help more quickly if it were a little girl in trouble. Walter has been spending his time on Earth rescuing cats and getting them set up in nice apartments with subservient ape roommates. Constantine compliments Walter by calling him the most boring demon he's ever met.

Since I don't have anything horribly nasty to say about this comic book after the first four pages, I'll tear into Scott Lobdell for a second. If this were a Lobdell comic book, the first four pages would have been spent reminding everybody who the characters were and repeating the last four pages of the previous comic book (although sometimes changing things because he had a new idea in the interim between writing his scripts). I get that "every issue is somebody's first issue" but he takes it to the extreme. I suppose if I wrote comic books as poorly as Scott Lobdell does, I'd expect the only people reading each subsequent issue would be new readers because who the fuck would read a second issue after wading through the crap tsunami of my horrible story? Oh, um, the reason I brought up Lobdell is because the first four pages of this comic book are more entertaining than the entire run of Doomed. Oh, sure, I've seen some people praise that comic book. But those "people" are only defined as "people" by the narrowest of margins.

Now see what I mean about being "blasted in the face by my carelessly offensive words"? Any of you morons who enjoy Lobdell's writing are now suffering from my word flak.

I may be a plebe for watching shitty television shows but at least I've never damned anybody's soul to Hell! I don't think.

After John gets his fill of sitting around his house naked and causing me to think about how I will never again sit upon somebody else's furniture, he checks his Craigslist...I mean, "Kregslist" ad to find sixty four people seem to be in need of an exorcist. When Constantine mentioned he was going to pay his rent legitimately, I thought he meant he was going to go work as a line cook for a bit. I'm not sure an advertisement on "Kregslist" to do exorcisms counts as real work. Okay, maybe it does count in the comic book world and/or Portland, Oregon, but normally I'd just assume it was a scam.

Constantine accepts a job to exorcise some demon named Gordred out of a young boy. I'm sure just using the phrase "young boy" causes all of the latent pedophiles to giggle uncontrollably after which they rush off to troll women on the internet because they view all women as protective mothers which threatens their ability to destroy youthful innocence. In other words, misogynist trolls are all pedophiles. Quid pro exacto quorum.

I should probably learn the actual Latin used as the punctuation for an argument proven demonstrably instead of just making things up. Maybe it's "sum emptor caveat"?

I hope I didn't accidentally send anybody's soul to hell after writing out all that Latin! I'm pretty sure spells only work if the caster spouts a bunch of Latin.

Constantine solves the first exorcism of sixty-four because he knows the demon inhabiting the kid. They go out for a drink and then he moves on to some other cases.

No! Keep it as a pet! Constantine, you need a raccoon pet! I need you to need a raccoon pet, you tosser!

Constantine brings a raver down off of demonic molly, clears out a Karaoke joint of unwanted dragons, finds a family whose faces were stolen, fixes Nightvale's Dog Park, and repairs a washing machine before finally winding up in Central Park to find out some important information from a gargoyle named Bartleby. I think they meet at the fountain where Death took that kid playing soccer that one time.

Bartleby points out that Constantine is going to be forced to help the city whether Constantine wants to help New York or not. I guess some Ghostbusters shit is going down and Constantine is the only one who can save New York. I suppose other magic heroes could save New York but they don't have their own comic books, do they? Lazy bastards.

I really wish Madame Xanadu would get her own book so I could publicly vent my vile hatred for her. Maybe I'll buy her old series just to rant and rave. That fucking barn owl Xanadu pisses me off so much!

John's night ends with him running into Oliver hanging around his apartment with a big bag of curry. Mmm, curry. Mmm. Mmmmmmmm. Um, I think this comic book is over now. Something came up that I need to do! So, um, Constantine decides maybe fucking Oliver won't be the worst thing in the world since he's gotten people killed so many times before, what's one more? Especially if that one more can make him wail like a banshee who is coming because it's being fucked in the ass while getting a rough, ball-slapping reach around.

Constantine the Hellblazer #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. A real comic book reviewer would explain to you why the comic book they just read is better than a lot of other comic books they tend to read. No, wait. A real comic book reviewer would, in most cases, say a bunch of nice shit about any comic book they've read, especially if it were written or drawn by a professional whom they've met and with whom they feel they have some kind of rapport. But I'm just this stupid asshole who enjoys hearing myself type. You get what I mean. So I don't know how to express why this book is so much better than...let's say...Cullen Bunn's "Lost Army." I mean, I could tell you why that comic book is crappy crap of a...well, just smear crap on a bunch of words and that pretty much describes it. What I might be getting at is that when a story forms around a well thought out character, the comic book tends to be better than when a character is made to fit within the confines of the plot. Like Cullen Bunn's "Aquaman"! That isn't an Aquaman story at all, so it doesn't work. It's also possible that I just don't like anything I've read by Cullen Bunn and so I decided to use this space to criticize his writing. Yes, that's also possible. Who knows, really? Ultimately my intent doesn't matter because the reader is so fucking important that apparently whatever the reader concludes with their tiny minds is what matters. Pshaw! I mean, unless that reader is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! And then the Reader is more important than the Writer! Whew! I almost wrote myself into a corner there. Nice save, me!

If you enjoyed this review and want to help support me so I can keep justifying spending time doing these things, how about supporting my Patreon? If you support me, I'll try not to insult you personally. I promise I didn't just keep my fingers crossed as I typed that.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!

Enjoy my unabridged thoughts on Justice League United #15 over at Patreon!

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Batman Beyond #6

Shoulder mounted missiles are the couture of the haute in the future.

I haven't watched any movies lately so I'm not going to review a movie. But if my niece's book which she told me about tonight eventually gets made into a movie, I'll review it here. The working title of her book is "Tess Makes Me Barf." It sounds fascinating!

I wonder what other people make my niece do since I make her barf and she's explicitly stated that I'm her favorite person. She must really be hard to please!

Currently in Batman Beyond, Tim Drake has decided it's time to go to the moon and kick Brother Eye in the robot balls. The only way to get to the moon now is to take a ship built by The Court of Owls. Unless it's some other way since I'm really only guessing. I should probably just read the comic book instead of guessing to get it over with since this is now the 54th issue of Futures End which I was completely bored of by around issue sixteen. I'd much rather be playing the new Call of Duty or creating a new board game called "Alleyways and Gangsigns." I don't yet know how the game will be played but I dreamt the name so I should probably create it.

I don't know why I guessed Tim would fly a ship to the moon. That's such an archaic from of travel! It turns out Bruce used the Court of Owls building for Teleporter storage. And since Brother Eye's headquarters is the Justice League satellite crashed on the moon, Tim now has instant access to Brother Eye's balls!

As long as you've got the Bat-lube, Tim.

The rest of the comic book is the final battle with Brother Eye. Inque drips inside of him and shorts him out and, for some terrible reason, his entire consciousness/program is housed inside the body he made for himself with no way out. So Inque sacrifices herself to make sure the entire headquarters on the moon explodes while Tim teleports back to Earth with her daughter. Basically Brother Eye could have been defeated at any time over the last thirty years had somebody just thought to throw a glass of water on him. Which means this series was just a retelling of The Wizard of Oz. Tim winds up in a strange land terrorized by a wicked robot and his flying cyborgs only to defeat them all by throwing water on the bad guy. I suppose this was also the ending of Signs too! From now on, I'm always keeping a glass of water by my bedside table in case an intruder ever breaks in and then SPLASHO! Water right in the face! Apparently it's the greatest weapon in the world.

The final page of the comic book has Tim forgetting to tap his heels together and say that thing about no place being like home (because home is usually way shittier than every other place a person can be). Instead he's all, "I guess this is home! Boring!" And Babs is all, "I can make it less boring for you. Meaning sex. I will have sex with you. Constantly." He doesn't throw a glass of water on her so I guess he's into it. And then the issue ends with a fairly definitive "The End." Does that mean what I think it means?! Is this really the final issue of this series?! I don't see anything online about the series being cancelled although I did find a bit about Lost Army being cancelled which has me thrilled! I wonder if I can get Sinestro cancelled too?

Batman Beyond #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. What a major let down! What a boring bummer of an ending! DC Comics basically just published fifty-four issues of Futures End where Brother Eye completely took over everything and beat all of the world's greatest heroes and destroyed the world! Nobody could defeat him because he was so powerful! And then he's defeated because his inner working got some liquid on them. Why did nobody think to spray him with a hose earlier? It's not like I was expecting an incredible ending to this story since the story itself has been just a little bit better than completely boring. Here's a suggestion to comic book writers: come up with your story before taking on the job of writing a monthly title. I'm sick of writers having no clue what they're doing so that their stories meander from plot point to plot point with no direction. As writers, stop thinking that you're good enough to figure out the story as you go along because it isn't working at all. Most of you are not that good at writing to just wing it. Come up with a fucking plan and write your ass off. I blame the editors too. Stop being lazy assholes and force writers to actually have stories they want to tell.

Bombshells #4

There is subtle and then there is Harley Quinn straddling a chubby bomb.

A brief period of time existed where I could look at this cover and ask, "How many kids today know about Doctor Strangelove?" But that time is past because the internet has made all information available to all people. And since kids are no longer allowed to go outside because it is dangerous and full of people who eat Subway sandwiches, they have plenty of time to sift through all of the knowledge of mankind. Some old fuddy-duddies (who aren't me at all because I am totally hip and with the grooves) probably think kids today are dumber than previous generations because they have so many forms of mindless entertainment at their fingertips (I'm not talking about video games; I'm talking about their stupid friends they're constantly texting). But kids today probably know a little more about everything than kids of any previous generation. You can't help but accidentally learn things when you're Googling for porn on the internet. Because eventually your lusts are going to be sated and then you're going to just randomly putter around the internet, going from one topic to another as link leads to link and YouTube video leads to horribly misogynistic comment boards. Although sometimes it just seems young people are all learning the same stupid garbage from each other so that they all spout the same trite bullshit that they think constitutes deadly philosophical mic drops. But really it's just regurgitating crap they heard in an echo chamber. The internet may allow for people to pick up lots and lots of trivia but it doesn't often allow for cultivating a unique perspective on the world.

[[MORE]] I should know! I wrote about half of the content on the internet! And ain't nobody learnin' nothin' profound from my idiotic rants!

The point I was trying to get at is that most people buying this cover probably realize it's an homage to Doctor Strangelove and not just Harley Quinn coming her eyes out on top of a huge dildo.

This issue begins with Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They didn't get a story last issue which was fine with me because they don't interest my libido as much as Batwoman and Mera do. I mean, I'm not really a fan of their personalities in this comic book. They're just way too...blonde!

That blonde comment was not a comment about their intelligence. It was a comment about how I'm not sexually attracted to blonde women and also how I understand that "hair color" is the most important aspect of a woman's character.

Since Starikov and Stargirlikov work for the Russian military, nobody is surprised that they are being lied to and used for propaganda purposes.


My favorite thing about propaganda is how most people find it so easy to identify when somebody else is falling for it but they never realize or admit to being manipulated by it themselves. You don't have to be stupid to fall for propaganda. You just need to like having your genitals stroked. If you believe in anything strongly, you will eventually succumb to some form of propaganda that feeds on your bias. The only solution is to stop believing in everything. It's the only way to be sure you're not being manipulated!

Disgusting! I'm glad I live in America where this kind of thing never happens.

The second story takes place in Arkham in London. Inside, Doctor Harleen Quinzel goes mad when one of her patients does a spot-on Joker impression. It's also Christmas which means Harley gets to dress up like an elf and terrorize everybody with Christmas tidings and her bosoms.

I think this was hardcore pornography in the 1940s. It's also possible that hardcore pornography was hardcore pornography in the 1940s and I'm simply suffering from the idea that past generations were more innocent and childlike than modern ones.

Harley tries to bang all the women in the bar but the servicemen get pissed because their dicks haven't seen vaginas since they were...well, they probably have never seen vaginas! But now they're surrounded by vaginas engorged with patriotism and they were sure they were finally going to have a good tally wack! A brawl starts but Harley manages to escape in the arms of a brash American pilot named Hal Jordan.

Hal takes Harley to the airfield where he learns that pants means underwear and fanny is a lady's private parts. He's also knocked unconscious and his plane is stolen. Harley flies around London dropping gifts and singing Christmas carols until she eventually--I'm assuming--crashes.

The final story is about Wonder Woman and Mera and Steve Trevor's penis. Hopefully it's mostly about Mera but I won't mind if they linger on Steve Trevor's penis for an uncomfortable amount of time. I am disappointed that Bunny Constantine isn't going to be making an appearance this issue.

No. He told them you wouldn't stop pawing at his crotch.

Wonder Woman learns that people are assholes. But she's willing to put up with them if it means she gets to enjoy more of this "penis" she'd never knew she needed! While Wonder Woman thinks about a new line of candles that will sell like crazy on Paradise Island, the soldiers bring in some Nazi prisoners. One of the men tries to murder the prisoners but Wonder Woman comes to his defense. She points out that the man has surrendered and that this is not the battlefield. She stands up for justice and order and maybe compassion although if she has compassion for a Nazi she's the grossest person ever.

You tell her, Doctor Tumblr!

I bet Wonder Woman is only defending this Nazi because she believes in the right to kill Jews! There's absolutely no way she could be defending this Nazi for any other reason at all! It's like all those cis-het white males who only want to defend the freedom of speech so that they can use whatever slurs they want whenever they want to and for no other reason at all!

Remember that earlier part about propaganda? If you look up the definition of "propaganda," you'll find a picture of Tumblr next to the actual definition of propaganda! It must be nice to spout righteous fury to make the world a better place while actually making it worse with your shrill, unsubtle arguments that are simply suited to turn other people into monsters and not actually think about anything critically. It must be nice to boil every argument down to "if you don't agree with me, you're gross." Sometimes you can be wrong even when your intentions are demonstrably good. Although the extreme liberal voices and arguments are far better than the "traditional" conservative voices. You need people trying to swing the pendulum of social movement as far to the left as possible because the pull back is going to keep it from moving the whole way. So if you only have rational arguments saying "The pendulum would be fairest if it were moved right here!", the pendulum would only move a fraction of the way to that spot. But if you have people saying things like "The pendulum needs to move way up here so that cis-het white male tears flood the nation!", you'll generally get the social justice pendulum moved much closer to the spot where the majority of compassionate people think it ought to be.

If you're thinking that the "social justice pendulum" can't move too far to the left in favor of social justice, you might not be thinking clearly. Because too far to the left lies madness! That's where people make arguments that free speech is a tool of the patriarchy and the world would be better if we had laws censoring what people can say. That's a terrible place to be no matter how free everybody would be from hearing or reading words like "nigger" or "tranny" or "retard." And nobody arguing for freedom of speech is doing so just so they can use offensive words willy-nilly! Well, most people aren't. I have a feeling that if somebody is a liberal and is arguing for freedom of speech in all cases, they're not doing it because they want to be an offensive asshole. Now if a conservative is arguing for freedom of speech, by all means call that person an offensive asshole! Because they're probably trying to get people to stop saying "Happy Holidays" because it's not "Christmas" while also arguing their right to replace saying "nigger" with saying "thug" while winking.

The issue ends with me probably putting my foot in my mouth because everything I type will be misunderstood because I can't explain how every person reading it and thinking I'm a stupid jerk is just reading it incorrectly! I mean, the issue ends with Wonder Woman being threatened with execution if she doesn't follow orders! That probably won't end well for the American military.

DC Comics Bombshells #4 Rating: No change. Marguerite Sauvage didn't do any art for this issue so I'm disappointed because two-thirds of the reason I love this comic book has to do with Batwoman drawn by Sauvage. Oh, and Batwoman wasn't in this issue! The stories this month were average and not very titillating. Although the part where Harley Quinn knocks out stupid Hal Jordan got me a little sexually excited. Mostly because I love seeing Hal take a beating. If I could make a suggestion, Marguerite Bennett, without sounding like a guy telling a woman how to do things correctly: less Supergirl and Stargirl and more Kathy Kane and Amanda Waller! Also more Mera! Maybe also more bikinis and lacy underwear! And more Bunny Constantine! Much, much more of that!