Friday, November 15, 2019

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Six, "The Dumbest Guy in the World"

I'm going to shit all over Rod Serling a lot while watching episodes of The Twilight Zone so I should probably say this as soon as possible (which could have been sooner, I suppose. Like in my review for Episode One?): I love The Twilight Zone and I think Rod Serling wrote a fuck-ton (real Queen's measurement in the UK) of memorable and poignant stories. He covered just about every important feeling a person might go through across all times of their lives. It's like he sat down and just began listing human concerns and then wrote stories about each one (sometimes he wrote 50 stories about one of the items (like feeling lonely)). It's just that sometimes he didn't quite hit the mark. Sometimes his stories suffer from the need for a twist ending or a big surprise comeuppance to the protagonist. This episode, "Escape Clause," is a good example of Rod Serling choosing to write a story about mortality and completely fucking the whole thing up because, at some point during the writing process, he thought, "What if you got sentenced to life in prison while being immortal? Ha ha! So good!"

This story is about a guy who fears death so much he barely gets out of bed and never stops complaining that he might be dying. So the devil is all, "Hey! I bet I can get this guy to sell his soul for immortality!" And the devil is right! But not just immortality: invulnerability and the absence of aging! And all for just his measly soul! The deal is so great that the scared bastard goes for it! The devil even allows him an escape clause so that if he eventually lives so long that he finds himself engulfed by a bloated star, he can call on the devil to let him die and the devil will kill him peacefully.

After the deal is finalized, you expect the story to maybe allow multiple time jumps to see how this poor bastard is dealing with immortality. Maybe see the death of his wife and other loved ones. Or maybe have him experience terrible war on a global scale. Maybe have him suffer as the last man on Earth living in a bleak and radiated landscape. You might expect something like that. But what you probably don't expect is for this guy who was once afraid of living to begin throwing himself in front of buses and subways and trains just to feel a little excitement. See, it turns out that life apparently isn't worth living if you don't have the risk of death! I guess? Who the fuck knows! It's totally out of this guy's character to suddenly feel he needs to risk everything for any kind of enjoyment from life. Up until the deal, he was just wasting his whole life in bed afraid of dying.

Instead of being immortal for thousands of years before becoming weary of life, this fucker grows bored with life in the span of a few weeks. A few weeks of knowing he can't die and suddenly this guy is tired of life? He can't find any sort of excitement without the risk of death? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Can he even read a book or go to the movies? Do those things bore him unless somebody releases a bunch of venomous cobras in the room with him? Can he go to dinner without also playing Russian Roulette between servings? Am I supposed to believe that this guy got off on thinking he was going to die so choosing immortality was the worst decision of his life? "I can only come if I think I might be dying, baby!"

This guy is so fucking dumb that after his wife accidentally falls from the roof of their fifteen story apartment complex, he confesses to murdering her. His plan is to see if surviving the electric chair will finally give him a thrill. I don't know what this idiotic bastard was thinking. When he survives, everybody will just shrug and let him go his own way? Is that how the death penalty works? If the method of execution fails, you get your freedom back? Because this stupid dolt never even considers that he's going to wind up spending life in prison. He doesn't even get the chance to be electrocuted because the judge simply sentences him to life. Ha ha! Big twist ending! Now this fucker is really going to be bored!

But wait! There's more! This guy who was terrified of dying in just forty years decides to take the escape clause a few weeks after becoming immortal because he's bored. Well you know what Piebald says (and other people, like parents and teachers and shit): "If you're bored, you must be boring too!" And this guy is! He's afraid to die and then all he can do after getting immortality is to try to die and then after realizing he can't die, he chooses to die. Fuck this guy. Man, I can't stress that enough! FUCK. THIS. GUY.

FUCK HIM! I hate this motherfucker! And by extension, I hate Rod Serling too! He really fucked up this episode! Who the hell thinks life is only enjoyable because of the risk of death? This motherfucker could have went on a wild sex and drug spree! He could have gotten his excitement by trying loads of new things! Fuck, he could have just decided to eat every single different thing on the planet! He could have tried murdering children, just for the hell of it! He could have hiked the bottom of the oceans! He could have purchased a sprawling estate in Germany with all of the insurance money he was getting from the accidents he was faking and created the first Human Centipede! This fucker had no imagination and I'm glad the devil took his soul and killed him.

Man. Fuck that guy.

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Justice League Dark #16

The next Wonder Woman series should just be Wonder Woman tying up Republicans so they'll finally tell the fucking truth about something.

Could you imagine Lindsey Graham or Mitch McConnell having to deal with the Lasso of Truth? Has Wonder Woman ever accidentally killed anybody with her lasso because they were so full of lies that their head exploded having to finally confront reality?

Fuck Republicans.

One thing that brings me great joy in this world is how conservatives can't enjoy the best of popular culture because it all leans toward justice and equality, and they have to ensconce themselves in twenty-four hour news cycles of outrage to feel good about their petty, selfish lives. Seeing them tell a comedian to stick to comedy on Twitter makes their previous cries of "Snowflake!" so psychologically delectable. I'm like a vampire feeding on their lack of self-awareness.

Last issue, Republican Eclipso was trying to get into the head of Kent Nelson by spewing filthy lies with his big fat square Hannity head as Wonder Woman traveled astrally to the moon to speak with some dead witch. This issue begins with Zatanna casting a spell that would really help improve Fox News.

Oh! I should have Photoshopped Sean Hannity's face onto Eclipso's.

Speaking of lack of self-awareness, my high school friend, Soy Rakelson, used to quote Yeats' quote from "The Second Coming": "The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity." Which was a weird thing to quote because he was the one full of passionate intensity while I was all, "Are we going to get this Cyberpunk game going or are you going to try to trap me in one of your theological mind traps again?" Maybe he was just complimenting me!

Eclipso reveals he doesn't need a mouth to talk. But then he makes himself a new mouth anyway because, like, it's easier to talk with a mouth, I guess?

Why am I suddenly horny?

Apparently Wonder Woman is in the collective unconscious and not just on the moon. I don't remember Jung saying that the collective unconscious is where witches go when they die. But then maybe I didn't read the whole book because I fell asleep while reading it and then dreamed that I'd finished reading it and then woke up and thought, "That was probably good enough, right?"

The collective unconscious is haunted by flame-headed Sgt. Pepper.

How do you think Wonder Woman keeps her boobs from flopping out? Probably magic, right?

If this isn't a visual representation of menses then I'm a virgin.

What that caption is saying is that it totally is a visual representation of menses and that I've had loads and loads of sex. With a partner even! Human!

If this isn't a visual representation of an ass and vagina then I'm a virgin? Whatever. I'm definitely still horny.

How the fuck did Simon Bisley get ousted at DC for drawing a penis in Lobo's musculature but this porn-laden issue was acceptable?!

Oh, that's Man-Bat's new form, by the way. The scariest ass and vagina you've ever seen! Which sucks if it's the first one you've ever seen. But this being the Internet age, it would be pretty sad if you hadn't seen one yet. Can anybody send me links to some pictures? Or at least tell me how to disable Google Safe Search?

Detective Chimp, Lame Doctor Fate, and Swamp Compost need to figure out how to stop mutant Man-Bat before he fucks up the whole Eclipso seance. According to the cover, they're going to destroy him but lose their hats and one arm in the process.

Meanwhile on the moon, the artist is plagiarizing Sailor Moon R

Just seeing this image causes "Moon Revenge" to begin playing in my head.

Flame-headed Sgt. Pepper (or "Circe" as some people call her) begins telling the origin story of Hecate. Somehow, Hecate was more powerful than God or something. She was the light of the moon but she had no opposite but you have to have an opposite or there is no balance! That's just stone cold logic. Her real opposite was The Upside Down Man. But since he was trapped in some other dimension, other powerful gods created Eclipso to keep Hecate in check. Circe has taken Hecate's power and now she's going to wield Eclipso's power as well by using the Black Diamond. Then nobody will be able to stop her because she will be all balance! That totally checks out, right? Has Tynion rationalized magic enough for you so that you don't roll your eyes and make jerk off motions about his plot? I was just beginning to think, "This is fucking ridiculous!" But then he explained it so logically and rationally that now I'm all, "This is fucking brilliant!" I love when magic has all the magic taken out of it!

Maybe James Tynion IV is the yang to Snyder's yin! It's the only way either one can exist!

Constantine shows up to help Detective Chimp figure out what's going on. Or maybe he just shows up to drink with him. Has there ever been a Constantine/Detective Chimp team-up series? Because these guys would probably make an entertaining team.

Wonder Woman fucks up and Circe takes over her body, leaving Diana trapped in the collective unconscious. It should be easy to get a message to the others from the collective unconscious, right? Once Circe takes control, Doom takes over the world and everybody is fucked. Next month, every comic should be labeled "Doom Risen," I'm guessing.

Justice League Dark #16 Final Thoughts: I was about to start typing when my cat Gravy jumped in my lap so I guess I'm done here!

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

The Terrifics #21

I don't believe Metamorpho could be affected by the Anti-life virus.

I'm four episodes into doing reviews¹ of The Twilight Zone series and I just realized Hulu is also currently airing The Outer Limits and Alfred Hitchock Presents. Should I do reviews of all three series at the same time, episode by episode?! I'm really² conflicted about this. I suppose it would be fairly easy to do all three at the same time since my reviews¹ don't actually take a lot of time to write. I mean, they're still great and worth reading because I only speak the truth³. If you disagree with me, you might want to do some soul searching to figure out why you're such a Goddamned liar.

Last issue, The Terrifics turned into Voltron4 so they could travel from the 1980s to 1960s. This is a comic book so that sentence makes sense without having to read it more than once.

Voltron was a syndicated cartoon shown daily on weekdays and not a Saturday Morning Cartoon, Mr. Saturday Morning Cartoon Himself.

I suppose time travel is confusing so I shouldn't be surprised that I'm confused but maybe I'm confused?

Let me preface my rant about this panel with this statement: I know next to fuck to nothing about cars. But, thanks to a few family members' obsessions with them, I do know a little something about Corvettes. I think.

These two panels first struck me odd because the speaker is excited about seeing "an '81 Corvette." Obviously car people know how to tell the difference between the yearly models of many types of cars. But I can't help thinking, "Who the fuck notices, specifically, an '81 'Vette?!" Maybe it's a fault with my severely lacking ability to recognize cars but if I saw an 80s Corvette, I'd probably be able to tell it was from the 80s but that's about it. Then due to time travel, the car, in the next panel, has already changed from an '81 Corvette to what I'm guessing is supposed to be a Sixties Corvette. Because we're traveling from the 80s to the 60s. But that's a fucking '56 or '575! Am I wrong?! Wouldn't a 60s Corvette have the dual headlights? I understand that a 1957 Corvette would still exist in the 60s but that would sort of ruin it as a marker of time travel by turning it from an '81 to a '57. But then again, this is a time travel story! So maybe I should follow the clues that the artist and writer are giving me and just think, "Oh! I guess they're in 1957 now!"

I bet when I turn the page, something somewhere will simply state, "The Terrifics are now in 1957! Whoa!", and all my fucking ranting will be for naught. So, like usual.

Judging by the looks of The Terrifics on the next page, I think I'm supposed to believe they're still in the Eighties and that the Corvette pictured is supposed to be an '81 Corvette? No, no! That's too much to swallow! But I can't stop thinking about it! Is it an error?! Is it a visual representation of the year in which The Terrifics find themselves? Is it....

That's not a monster! That's an insemination machine!

I can't tell what year the insemination machine is from because I've never needed to use one, old or new. Being that it's a giant robot monster, it could be from anytime in the last half of the 20th Century.

During the giant robot battle that's exciting because it's a battle between giant robots, Plastic Man crashes into a venue that definitely pins the time period down to the 80s: a dance club slash arcade slash pizza joint6. Just in case you weren't sure that that screamed "EIGHTIES!", there's a poster on the wall that says, "80's!"

The rest of the issue is just a lot of fighting. Lots and lots of fighting. With Rocket Reds and evil Plastic Men instead of giant robots. I think Gene Luen Yang grew bored of writing 80s references and just turned the rest of the issue into filler to get to the 70s. In the 70s, The Terrifics turn into the Scooby Doo Gang and then the Legion of Doom take over the multiverse.

The Terrifics #21 Final Thoughts: I'm still disturbed by the Stephen Segovia's drawing of a 1981 Corvette. I've stopped reading comic books for far slighter errors than that. Luckily for all the creators involved, not reading this comic book means I need to actually remove it from my pull list which means speaking to the local comic book clerks and probably looking them in the eye for a few seconds. I might not be up for that this week and then I'll forget and before you know it, I'm reading the next issue of The Terrifics.

¹ I don't actually write reviews. I vomit genius opinions in vulgar language such that people who think they're smart read them and think I'm an idiot and people who aren't smart read them and think I'm a pretentious twat. It's a curse!
² Not really.
³ I only speak the truth! I only speak the truth! I only speak the truth! I only SPEAK THE TRUTH!
4 I spent so long trying to find an alt code for a superscript numeral four that would work in HTML that I forgot what this footnote was supposed to be. I could not find one so I'm using the HTML SUP tag instead. That's why the 4 looks like a superscript number with gigantism.
5 I'm assuming the two vertical lines coming off of the wheel well are the signature body indentation which is usually painted white and gives that particular Corvette such a distinctive look.
6 You know. Just like we spent all of our time at in the 80s. All of us. All the time. It was totally a thing.

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Five: "The Pain from an Old Wound"

The night before Donald Draper pitched his ad campaign for Kodak's new slide projector, "The Wheel," Don must have watched the fifth episode of the first season of The Twilight Zone entitled "Walking Distance." The episode's theme revolves around nostalgia which Donald Draper defines as "the pain from an old wound." The main character gives himself an old wound (which he didn't have before being overcome by nostalgia) by harassing his younger self until that younger self falls off the carousel. "The Carousel" is what Don Draper decides to rename Kodak's "Wheel." The story is about a man time traveling back to his youth and Don Draper describes "The Carousel" as not being a spaceship but a time machine. He obviously plagiarized his entire pitch from "Walking Distance"!

The main character, Martin Sloan, has become weary of the world at age thirty-six. It's probably because he looks like he's forty-six! I mean, Gig Young, the actor playing him, was definitely forty-six. Which is sort of hilarious coming on the heels of the previous episode about an elderly actress (in her forties elderly! You know, Women Elderly) who still looked terrific but, being forty-one, was slated to forever play mothers for the rest of her career. Why couldn't she play a 31 year old woman going through a mid-life crisis? At least she still looked the age as opposed to Gig Young who definitely did not look thirty-six. Although didn't thirty-six year old men just look older in the mid-20th century? When did men stop looking like men? It was the hippies, wasn't it? When I picture a man in my head, I think of somebody like Don Draper or Fred Flintstone or, as it happens, Gig Young. I mean, I wouldn't have pictured him before learning who he was because of this episode. But now I do! He's totally what I think a man looks like. Maybe military service does something to the DNA or bone structure of the male body to make them appear more manly? Or maybe just doing manly things gives them an air of manliness that most modern men just don't project?

Anyway, this super old thirty-six year old has become tired of adulting. Not that he'd ever use the term "adulting"! The only people who use that term are most definitely not men. Or women. Did I unironically use the term just now? Who can tell? I'm not a fucking adult! I can't tell when I'm being serious or cynical or earnest because I've never had to cower in a foxhole wondering if my movie screen was about to suddenly go black while the world moved on without me in vibrant technicolor. I'm just a lazy Generation X fuck that has had everything handed to him on a middle class silver-coated platter. I don't fucking know how to actually feel anything. Our entirely lives have just been a terrifying Cold War joke where the Post-Cold War punchline never came. How the fuck were we ever supposed to feel anything when we were shown The Day After as children?! Sure, generations now have to worry about Climate Change but at least that's a long, slow decent into the Mad Max era. We had to deal with the psychological trauma of the end of everything in an actual blink of an eye while those fucking Boomers and the Greatest Generation really taught us about cynicism by casually living in that terrifying world that they fucking created! And how did they deal so nonchalantly with that shit? Probably because they once lost all feelings by having to cower in a foxhole wondering if their movie screen was about to suddenly go black while the world moved on without them!

Whoa. Man. Maybe I am an adult.

So Martin Sloan walks back through time and winds up talking to Richie Cunningham who is all, "You're not Marty Sloan! I know Marty Sloan and you're not him! Don't touch me! I'm so terrified I'm going to leave my marbles in the street!" And then Martin Sloan sees his younger self carving his name on a bandstand like he did when he was eleven. After that, he goes to his old house and talks to his mother and father who think he's a mad man. Then he runs into a kid with a hot rod and the kid is all, "It's a 1934! It just came out last year!" And that's when Marty McSloan is all, "Holy fucking shit! I've traveled through time!" I'm glad The Twilight Zone doesn't want us to think all of the main characters are geniuses. Or even of mediocre intelligence. I mean, what a fucking dum-dum!

Later, after Martin Sloan scares the shit out of his younger self so that his younger self falls off of the carousel and catches his leg underneath the ride (causing Martin Sloan to suddenly have a limp), he tells his younger self, "I didn't want to scare you! I didn't want to be creepy! I just wanted to tell you that you should appreciate being young! That's what all young people need to hear or else they won't enjoy it! They need to hear it from me, a lost old man! Enjoy your youth! I mean, I can see you were enjoying it until I came along. But I really want you to understand that you must enjoy it! Stop enjoying it so much and listen to me! You have to enjoy it! OH GOD, YOU JUST HAVE TO!"

After that, Marty's father comes along and is all, "Hey, dude. Get the fuck out of here. You're ruining your childhood. You had your time. Now maybe go enjoy being an adult. Get a drink. Fuck some broads. Gamble. But, shit dude, stop looking backwards, you maniac." And Marty is all, "Hey yeah! Maybe when I get back to my present, I'll remember to enjoy carousels and cotton candy and climbing trees!" And his dad takes a big hit off five cigarettes while he scratches at the VD eating away at his crotch and he says, "Yeah, yeah. Go enjoy that stuff, you nerd."

Marty returns to the present feeling better than he's felt in a long time. He really learned a lesson by his inadvertent trip to the past! And that lesson was to not wish to be young again but to make the best out of every day you have. Sure, it's the opposite lesson that Miss Trenton learned last episode. But maybe there are different lessons to be learned by men and women? I don't know! All I do know is that this episode did not make me feel wistful or nostalgic in exactly the opposite way the scene from Season One, Episode Thirteen of Mad Men, "The Wheel," did make me feel.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Four, "Kick the Can, Rough Draft"

Rod Serling sat in his leather chair in the den, fingers poised above the keys on his IBM 286 or whatever was available in the late fifties. Probably an IBM 86! What am I, a historian? He sucked on his cigarette and then sucked on another cigarette that was in his other hand and then sighed, "Man, I love smoking! Maybe I should write a story about smoking?" He looked up at the corner of the room in thought and did not think about corners of rooms the way H.P. Lovecraft thought about corners of rooms. Serling didn't even think about the corner of the room at all. He just looked through it the way a person in the late eighties tried looking through stereoscopic pictures to see the 3D image hidden within. "Let's see. I've written about loneliness and the fear of death and the fear of death in the Old West. What should I write about now?" He took another hit from his cigarette and then another hit from his other cigarette and then shouted, "A-ha! I'll write about the longing for lost youth which is totally different than the fear of death!" He then preceded to click and clack at his IBM typewriter invented by Sir Reginald IBM while each cigarette bobbed and weaved, still gripped between the middle and index finger of each hand. But backwards or something so he didn't burn the pages he was writing.

The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine
By Rod "The Rodster" Serling


Old Broad: "Oh, how I love the movies I made twenty-five years ago! I was so young and beautiful! And my costar was so beautiful and exactly the age that I am now! Why oh why do women ripen so quickly and then over-ripen even quicklier?! Twenty years later, I am still vibrant and beautiful but I have a few crows feet around my eyes and thus my career is over even though I'm now the age of my favorite leading man whom I will meet with later, revealing that he's now like seventy or eighty years old which is the age men finally become unattractive! Also he'll have terrible glasses that make him look like a nerd or Batman's butler."

Older Broad (if you can believe it!): "Miss Trenton? Miss Trenton! I've brought you some tea! Where are you? Oh! OH! Are you in the movie screen?! OH MY GOD! Oh, no. Not yet. You were just behind the movie screen. My, you gave me a fright! Oh, I'd better get the door now!"

Colonel Cathcart: "Hey, baby! Where's Barbie? Hey Barbie, baby! Have I got an audition for you! You're not old news at all! Don't live in the past! Don't worship at the teat of nostalgia! Don't mix your petit fours, baby! It's the part you were born to play!"

Old Broad: "Is it a mother? I won't play a mother!"

Colonel Cathcart: "Oh. Well then forget it, baby! That head of the studio probably wouldn't like your feminist attitude anyway!"

Old Broad: "Well, he's twenty years older than I am now. But just wait until another twenty years and people stop taking him seriously because he's become an old dried up fig too!"

Colonel Cathcart: "Youth is cool! But you should get some sun because you can't get youth! Especially not by sitting in the dark watching your old movies 24/7! Um, baby!"

Old Broad: "Oh yeah? I'm gonna wish and wish and wish and I'll become young again! And I won't even have to run around the stupid yard kicking stupid cans in a story that used this theme way better! Probably because The Rodster got so much better at writing stories after all of the cigarettes he lovingly smoked. Smoke Chesterfields!"

Older Broad: "Now that Archie Bunker's friend has left, I'd better get Miss Trenton more tea! Miss Trenton, Miss Trenton! Where are you? Not in the chair. Not on the couch. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MUST SCREAM AS IF A BEAR WERE ATTACKING ME NOW!"


Colonel Cathcart: "She's young and in the movie with all her young friends now? By golly, baby! Wishes! Way to go wishes! They work, I guess? You know what I'm wishing for now, older broad?"


Colonel Cathcart: "Let's go fuck with my huge penis now, older broad! Oh wait! What's this?! Look! Look here! The underwear she kissed and threw at me in the picture! It is on the floor here! In reality! What is going on?!"



Those asterisks mean I'm exiting the story about Rod "The Rodster" Serling and now I'm speaking in my own voice! I just wanted to say something about this episode that sounds super smart and potentially sexy. I guess the moral of this story (since we have to examine morals in all episodes of The Twilight Zone, don't we?) is that wishes probably don't often come true but maybe if you waste your entire life wishing for more life, maye your wish will come true! You never know unless you try! So forget about living the thirty years after your 25th birthday which are all just garbage because you're getting older and fatter and grosser. Instead, sit in the dark and wish to be 25 again! But don't wish to be 25 so that you'll start aging again! That would be dumb because then you'll just have to waste your new life wishing to be young again! No, you have to become either super young by playing Kick the Can so you can live it all over again (and don't be the dumb jerk who doesn't believe in wishes or you'll die lonely and bitter and soon!) or you have to become 25 forever by wishing yourself onto a movie screen. I don't know if your life only then plays when somebody runs the movie or what happens to your consciousness when the movie stops. But according to the dirty underwear left behind, I guess you're living in some alternate timeless dimension in the same place or something? With all of your imaginative young friends? Anyway, the moral is to believe in wishes and not to believe in actually doing shit before you die. Keep wishing for things to be better while everything falls apart around you! Hey, it might work! Baby!

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Second Coming #4

One day, I will be the guy missing his middle finger.

I was actually intrigued and interested in Watchmen until that third fucking episode. Silk Spectre's phone call to Mars was the worst joke I've ever heard. Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if she finished the phone call by saying, "I don't know why I keep calling you to ramble about stupid bullshit." But no. She says, "I don't know why I keep calling you to tell you jokes." What you fucking told Jon was not a fucking joke! Hey, Lindelhof! Maybe don't write your "jokes" yourself anymore. I get that the stories she had sort of had joke set-ups. But you know what jokes need? Punchlines! And, no, a punchline isn't fucking up the first joke and then surprising the audience by having the second joke just become part of the first joke! At best, she was telling a Shaggy Dog story because it was definitely pointless and rambling. And it was the kind of Shaggy Dog story that isn't a joke because there was no fucking punchline! I suppose maybe you wanted her to tell a parable and we, the audience, were supposed to suck in our breaths and look at the other dimwit watching this show seated next to us and say, "Whoa! She's not telling a joke! She's really talking about herself! And her relationship with her father! And her ex-lover Nite Owl! And her other ex-lover Doctor Manhattan! And that other guy! The Jeremy Irons' character! Profound!" But mostly we all just sat there not looking at the person sitting next to us because most of us watched this in the dark, alone and ashamed. And we didn't say those things not because there was nobody to say them to but because there's no possible way we would have thought them. I know I thought, "Shut the fuck up! Why are you doing this?! This is fucking stupid! Stop talking already! Can this show just be that background cartoon about the real Watchmen now?!"

And, yes, I'll probably keep watching. I am nothing if not a hate-watcher of popular media.

But enough about media I hate-watch. How about some media that I love-read?

Sunstar has lost Jesus Christ because Jesus Christ was arrested for being an annoying know-it-all vagrant. Man, I wish being a know-it-all were an arrestable offence! I bet my karaoke place would be less full of hipsters every night.

Sunstar enlists Night Justice and Lady Razor to help find Jesus Christ. Row-Bot decides not to help because Row-Bot is an atheist and also because if Row-Bot had too much panel time, the readership would be clamoring for a Row-Bot series. I mean, Row-Bot has only been in six panels in the first five pages and I'm already writing an email in another browser window demanding more Row-Bot.

Row-Bot will never get their own series because the people they rescue will have to sit on Row-Bot's face. Inappropriate.

Now I can't focus on anything except Row-Bot. I'm glad Mark Russell saved Row-Bot for this comic book instead of creating Row-Bot in a DC comic book and giving DC the rights to Row-Bot. Maybe Ahoy Comics now have the rights to Row-Bot but what is a small publisher going to do with those rights? Best for a publisher to just give the creator all rights so that the creator will keep their best ideas to publish with that publisher. Do DC or Marvel ever wonder why a publisher like Image Comics constantly publishes comics of greater artistic merit than they do? The days of giving your work to one of the Big Two simply for the prestige of publishing with them are long gone. If a publisher wants a writer to put forth their best effort, they've got to wine and dine those assholes.

Hopefully in a future issue, Jesus will try to walk across some water and He'll find He's lost the talent. But He never learned how to swim so He'll begin to drown! But then Row-Bot will save the day even though they're an atheist. They're still a hero even if they don't believe in the person they're saving!

Anyway, Jesus gets out of jail before he's Gomorrahed by his cellmate Pinecone. And then God meets Satan in a cafe in Berlin to discuss what they're going to do to keep the world from killing Jesus. Again!

Second Coming #4 Final Thoughts: I know I probably should have discussed more of this comic book than Row-Bot. But I don't like discussing comic books that are smarter and more earnest and kind and pretentious than I am. What am I supposed to write about when Jesus says profound and insightful things? I can't make them more profound and insightful by making a dopey comment about them! This is the kind of comic book that people should just read and stop trying to find out what it's all about by reading online reviews by people who are too dumb to appreciate anything in the story except a stupid robot/rowboat pun!

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Justice League #34

If Doom wins then how come this issue isn't subtitled "Doom Risen"?

Ugh. How long has this Doom event been fucking going on?! My advice to Snyder: next time, make Lex Luthor smarter so his plan comes to fruition quicker!

Some of the Justice League are in the past hiding in Atlantis with the Justice Society as a captured Poseidon tries to destroy it. They need Vandal Savage's help to get the totality to the future so John Stewart convinces him by yelling, "Oorah!" Hourman and Alan Scott jizz their jeans over his masculinity and decide that maybe a negro member of the Justice Society wouldn't be such a bad thing. You might think I'm letting my cynical view of the world reinterpret the scene in a fairly unforgiving way but I assure you it doesn't come across much better than that. I wonder how they'd feel if John Stewart had convinced Vandal to help them using architecture metaphors?

Did I accidentally pick up the extra-gay version of this month's Justice League?

I think I accidentally stumbled into a new way for DC to make money. Forget variant covers and foil card insert. Why don't they put out extra-gay issues?! They could call one version the "Extra-Straight" version and the other version the "Extra-Gay" just so we don't get into the weeds arguing about why one is called the "Normal Issue." Although I think if two comic books existed that were slight variations of each other and one was the "Extra-Straight" version and one was the "Extra-Gay" version, it would totally be more gay to buy the "Extra-Straight" version. It sounds like that one is going to be full of shirtless men wrestling in totally non-boner inducing ways that are actually super boner inducing.

If DC won't take my super great moneymaking idea that will wind up selling a billion issues of Harley and Poison Ivy #1 (Extra-Gay version) then maybe I can trademark the idea of "Extra-Straight" comic books and sue all the Comicsgaters producing comic books. Do Comicsgate comic books have copy on the covers in huge fonts that say things like "No Gay Characters!" and "If a Character is Black, It's Totally Plot Related!" and "This Won't Pass the Bechdel Test. AT ALL!"?

I think I'm making Comicsgate comic books sound more interesting than they really are! I bet most of them are boring super hero punch ups where characters occasionally reference Pepe the Frog and fly through the air in a pose like they're heiling Hitler.

Back to the plot, is Barry Allen really interested in wearing his hair long? Why am I suddenly finding him interesting? I almost wrote "more interesting" but, you know, it's Barry Allen. The most interesting thing he ever did was appearing out of nowhere during Crisis on Infinite Earths and disintegrating.

Unless Barry was actually asking John if John thought he could rip Vandal's hair off of his head. Although that interpretation makes Barry more interesting as well. What I'm saying is this is the most interesting panel Barry Allen has ever been a part of.

Meanwhile in the future (if that makes any sense at all), Kamandi has gathered up heroes from various futures to RRHAAAOOOR! I'm told by editorial that "RRHAAAOOOR" means "kick some ass" in panther. How come it's usually okay to swear in a foreign language in an all ages comic book?

One of the "heroes" he brings is Lobo. So Brainiac is fucked.

An easy way to tell if a comic book fan is a psychopath is to gauge how angry they get at two things I love to write (largely for that reaction): Deathstroke is a pedophile and Lobo is the most powerful and most fuckable and greatest character to ever come out of DC. Along with websites that track known pedophiles in your neighborhood, I think we should also have a database of people who get irate at the idea that Deathstroke is a pedophile. They go fucking crazy defending a fictional character's reputation over something not worth defending! I might agree they have a point that using the term "pedophile" is misleading at best. He's more of a statutory rapist! But even that gets their Quixotic gears turning. Yes, I'm comparing myself to a majestic windmill.

The Lobo thing doesn't get people so incensed but it does bring out a lot of actually nerds who don't understand how much fun I'm having with my hyperbolic love of such a one trick character. My favorite thing about Lobo is that he looks cool in a way that doesn't look cool at all. How did they do that?! He's a hot clown! He's a MILF: mechanic I'd like to fuck! He's so over-the-top that I can't understand people who try to take him seriously. He's the greatest joke DC has ever played on their readers and I love him unironically. Also, you know Lobo leaves you satisfied after he fucks you. And I don't think it matters if you're female or male or space dolphin. He's gonna give it to you fucking good.

Twelve year old me would totally jerk off to this picture.

The pieces of the Totality are secured and all the Starmen throughout time are linked together psychically. It's their last chance! Perpetua is about to be defeated! I will ignore the cover and pretend that everything is going to work out and that Hawkgirl isn't going to fuck it all up with her desire to bash Luthor in the back of the head with her mace. Hopefully J'onn J'onzz will finally assert his will and get her back on track. Or else the multiverse is doomed! You know. Like Luthor has been trying to explain for forty-five issues.

Welp. Kendra fucked it all up. Perpetua is risen. All hail Doom.

Justice League #34 Final Thoughts: Okay, fine. The big plan failed and Doom won and Perpetua can now manipulate the multiverse however she wants. But there's one thing she forgot to do before declaring victory: she didn't kill Batman. What a fucking amateur move! The first villain to actually begin by killing Batman will be the first villain to completely take over everything. I guess that's why The Joker is the smartest villain in the DC Universe. He's doing the real work.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Wonder Twins #8

The British version of Polly Math isn't as clever because her name is Polly Maths.

Only one lesson ever made an impression on me in high school. In Physics, Mr. McFarland had a bonus question on a test. It had three examples of the trajectories and exchange of force between two billiard balls. The math was correct on all three examples and the question was, "Which one is actually correct and why?" The answer to the "Why?" part of the question Mr. McFarland was looking for was simply this: I've observed it. So while the math on the other two examples was perfectly fine, they were ways billiard balls never actually react. So when somebody talks about something like string theory and how it's a mathematical model that provides a theory of everything, I think about Mr. McFarland's bonus question. The math may be right but what does that matter if we can't see what the billiard balls are doing?

I'm definitely not being anti-science! I'm totally pro-science! I'm anti-math! Stupid numbers. Think they can solve everything! But they're as bad as alchemy. Have you heard about three being a magic number? Magic! Fucking math is all made up hocus-pocus nonsense, I tell you what. We think it's some kind of universal constant but remember "Little Twelve Toes"? That taught me that we can't even use math to communicate if we wind up meeting aliens with a different amount of fingers and toes than we have! I mean, I guess the people who understand math and who also write songs for children's television would understand them. But I just learned that aliens only visit hick kids who pretend they get the concept of a base ten number system!

Maybe I'm a poor example of a person who was meant to understand the math in Schoolhouse Rock songs. Hell, I didn't even get the point of "Conjunction Junction." I just liked singing about trains!

Please don't reply trying to explain any of this stuff to me. I play a guy far dumber than I actually am on this blog. Well, maybe not "far" dumber. But somewhat dumber! Which is the opposite of what hoity-toity Mark Russell does! I bet he's not as smart as he seems to be! Although it's tough to pretend you're smarter than you actually are. So it's possible he's a genius who also cares about making some kind of difference in the world, even if he is only writing funny books about the God-awful Wonder Twins.

I also don't want to hear people defending the Wonder Twins because I may or may not have always liked them although I definitely have never jerked off to any of them and that precludes Gleek.

I thought aging was waking up every morning because you didn't take enough pills the night before.

The worst part about aging is being too dead to see the youth who made fun of you for being old grow old and die themselves.

The sad old 48 year old guy typing this wants you to know that the sad old 48 year old guy in the panel is the principal of Zan and Jayna's high school. The librarian is also a sad 48 year old guy except not a guy and maybe not sad. She probably fucked the principal in high school though. This is probably a love story. Not one of those love stories that ends happily. More like one of those love stories where some lonely jerk goes to their 30th high school reunion and tells the person they had a crush on in high school that they never stopped loving them and the person they confess to says, "Did we know each other?"

I'm beginning to think I shouldn't be as proud as I am to guess where comic book plots are going. I'm fucking pathetic.

Don't worry. Principal Adultman doesn't admit to being a chronic sleep-creeper in the panel following the previously scanned bunch. He just says, "I'm a principal!" Although I totally would have been intrigued if he had said, "I was a sleep-creeper!" I would have thought, "Gross! What a jerk," and not, "Oh! I hope we get a flashback!" Because I'm a decent person who now knows sleep-creeping is wrong.

Principal Adultman wants to cancel his 30th high school reunion so he doesn't have to interact with Librarian Lost Love. I guess he's afraid they might play The Cure's "Last Dance" during the reunion which was playing the first time he finger-banged the librarian.

The principal confesses his love for the librarian and his subsequent failure over the years to get over it on the open school announcement microphone. So now the librarian knows things are even more awkward than she realized! Now she has to start preparing her speech about how there's no way he can love her because he doesn't know her and even if he thought he loved her in high school, she didn't love him. She couldn't love him because she didn't even know who she was or what she wanted and should she have to live with the unintended consequences of one moment where she really wanted to fucking cum on some guy's warm hand for the rest of her lives simply because that warm hand belonged to some schlub?! Maybe she's the type of person who doesn't prepare speeches and she'll just tell him to fuck off and get a life. Although she's a librarian so I think speeches probably excite her as much as the album Disintegration does.

Somewhere in the high school reunion drama is a story about Polly Math and her inability to forgive Jayna for putting her in prison and failing to save her dad from eternity in The Phantom Zone. But I don't think that's as important as that old guy still pining for a woman who forgot about him decades ago. Polly escapes prison or something. I don't know. I just skimmed those pages to get to the final embarrassing confrontation between Principal Adultman and Librarian Lost Love that Jayna is unwittingly setting up. She thinks she can prove people will always forgive each other. Ha ha! What a child!

Bah. Stupid Jayna being right.

Wonder Twins #8 Final Thoughts: I guess Mark Russell doesn't trade in cynicism. He's all about earnestness and optimism and hope and shit. Hey, I get that! It's totally the stuff I would aspire to if I wasn't such a lowly, scum-sucking piece of crap. But I'd still prefer for Librarian Lost Love to have been a bit mean. He treats her like a failed conquest for thirty years, making as if she's the reason his world has fallen apart and his time at work has uncomfortable moments, while she was just going on with her life as he grew smaller and smaller in her rear view and he expects her to do the heavy lifting of forgiveness?! Fuck that dude! Although, I suppose, if he didn't matter to her as much as I suspect he didn't matter to her, it's easy enough to just say, "Sure! You're forgiven. Now can you stop making things so awkward, you immature turd?" Anyway, I guess Polly is going to forgive Jayna soon because they're going to team up to save Polly's dad.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Metal Men #1

I only purchased this series so I could discuss how Doc Magnus loves shoving his responsometers up his ass.

Doc Magnus is gay, right? I'm not suggesting that gay people love to shove sentient spheres up their asses! That's just a Will Magnus kink. I'm just asking because I don't know that it's ever been verified canonically although all DC readers know he must be. Platinum has been trying to fuck him for decades and he's always responding, "No time, no time! This pipe won't smoke itself!" Plus, he had the opportunity to build five sexy female robots and one gay one that he'd constantly have to fight off but instead he did the opposite. Plus he's dapper and even though that's probably a stereotype that gay men are better dressers than straight men, I have to admit that I'm not dapper at all. And I would have sex with Platinum in a heartbeat! That doesn't mean it would take a heartbeat for me to consent to having sex with her. It means I would blow my load in a heartbeat if she consented to have sex with me. And, yes, I know she's a robot. And a fictional character. And a drawing. I'm just a very sexual being who isn't embarrassed to say, "I would totally fuck a cartoon character. Especially one named Erin Esurance or Shego."

I just recently reread the Metal Men series from 1993, which was only four issues, and I don't remember being blown away by it. So why did I pick up this one that's going to go for twelve issues and written by Dan DiDio? If I had a therapist, we'd spend a few sessions on why I do so many things that make me hate myself.

Dan DiDio. Di "D" io. Dan DiDDDDDDDDio.

He's talking to the responsometer shoved up his ass.

If I had a conversation with something shoved up my ass, it would go like this: "Mmmm. MMMMM. Oh. OH! Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah."

Sorry about that mental image. Oh, you didn't have a mental image until I mentioned the mental image? Sorry about that too.

As I was waiting for the above panel to scan, I rewrote Eclipso: The Darkness Within in my head where it ended with Doc Magnus shoving the black diamond up his ass and Eclipso being destroyed.

Oh! I just remembered what the 1993 Metal Men series was about! It was how the Metal Men weren't actually robots but the souls of Doc Magnus's friends transferred into casings made up of different pure metals! Doc Magnus is a monster! And, again, not because he shoves responsometers up his ass. That's just his Goddamned kink.

Some scientists. These gears will never turn!

I should probably blame the artist for the terrible gear layout instead of Doc Magnus. But isn't every bit of visual representation in this book reflective of Doc and his Metal Men? Of course it is!

Doc Magnus is angry at having gotten so many awards for building the responsometer. I'm sure it has nothing to do with somebody leaking why they were really invented and what he does with them. He's ranting at a Metal Person that I don't recognize. She looks like some kind of maid or nurse or nanny from a 1940s cartoon. Except made of metal. Maybe her name is Nth.

Meanwhile in Challengers Mountain, some frackers drilled into a pit of liquid Nth Metal. It doesn't look anything like Doc's psychiatrist robot so maybe she's Palladium. Although she looks more like a Ruthenium.

Doc remembers telling the Metal Men where they came from and it has nothing to do with implanting the souls of his coworkers and friends into machines. Instead, each of the robot's emotions are derived from Magnus as he put a little bit of himself into each creation. Apparently the greatest part of him he implanted in them was his low self-esteem because every year or so, they rise up and question him about what they really are. Geez, Metal Men. You're fucking robots with a fairly sophisticated but not perfect artificial intelligence. How hard is that to understand?! I guess I can't know how hard it is for artificial intelligence to understand since my intelligence isn't artificial. I don't think. Oh man. Is it?! Where's my Doc Magnus in whose face I can scream, "WHAT AM I REALLY?! WHY AM I HERE?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING SUCH A SENSUALLY SENSITIVE PROSTATE?!"

Oh, the robot Doc is ranting to is named Nameless. Or not named at all. One of those. I think she should be Ruthenium.

The Nth Metal asks for Will Magnus by name so he puts Ruth back in the closet (she's just a soulless husk) and heads off to see a natural example of his total technological failings. And he seems so jovial about it!

Metal Men #1 Final Thoughts: I hope Ruth becomes an important character later. Maybe a responsometer, hastily discarded from Will's ass, will fall off the nightstand and land inside of her. Then she'll power up and have all the memories of everything Will ever said to her, all of his most terrible secrets and shames. Then she'll become his nemesis but instead of inventing new evil robots made out of the more evil elements (like Neon, Xenon, and Seaborgium), she'll just hire a bunch of henchmen wearing cardboard robot outfits. Man, this writing comic books thing is fucking easy.

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Three, "Guns Don't Kill People. But Then, Apparently, People Don't Kill People Either."

Look, Rod. If I'm going to sound smart talking about your stupid little science fiction show, you're going to have to meet me halfway by writing smart episodes. If I have to sit through another rambling episode that doesn't know where it's going like "Mr. Denton On Doomsday," I'll be forced to pretend I know what I'm talking about so I don't sound stupid writing another review of another episode I didn't understand! And I hate pretending that I know what I'm talking about! I'd rather just know! I'm not too bright but my imagination is fucking dreadful! Don't worry though! I'm going to give you a fair shake and try to figure out what the fuck you were trying to do with this episode aside from make your version of a western.

The first thing to assume when figuring out what an episode of The Twilight Zone was about is that it's a morality tale. They're all going to have some sort of message for the viewer to ponder and take with them as they travel through life, like maybe listen to the crazy person on the plane or perhaps don't worry too much about death because while you're hanging from the bridge dying, you'll actually think you're having a grand adventure (it's a lesson Fred Madison learned well in Lost Highway! If you're about to die in the electric chair, just turn into Balthazar Getty!). Anyway, the easiest way to figure out the moral is to start backwards. Rod usually tries to help with a few closing words about how things are in The Twilight Zone. In this one, he's all, "Whoa, Nellie! Giddyup, I reckon! Pardners, lissen ta whut I gots ta say! Sometimes fate can pull a man outta some pit while also keeping some other young buck from fallin' in! Yee haw!" So that's the lesson, I guess. Sometimes an old person is pretty darn useless but they can still be a good example to the young. Maybe. I don't fucking know!

The next thing to consider is the actors. Did I recognize any 1950s actors from this episode? If so, then it must have been an important episode. I won't get into the weeds on the logic of that statement; you'll just have to trust that it's as factual as I can get. The only person I recognized, and he wasn't even the main guy, was Martin Landau. He played a huge dick whose role in the episode was to, um, be a huge dick, I guess? One thing I'll say for Martin Landau: I think he could fit a cantaloupe in his mouth.

Thirdly, you have to consider the paranormal aspects. In this one, some salesman named Fate drops by to give Mr. Denton a gun. The gun symbolizes his fight against alcohol and his struggle to regain control of his life. Except maybe it only symbolizes that in the first half. Because after Mr. Denton humiliates Martin and decides to stop being the town drunk, he realizes his life is now over. Why? Because Rod Serling has a weird idea about the Old West. Apparently in Rod's Old West, every gunslinger was constantly going from town to town fighting to the death with other gunslingers they heard were the best in that town. Why the fuck would anybody do that?! If I was a pretty good gunslinger, I'd only want to fight mediocre gunslingers! What am I going around risking my own neck for?! But Mr. Denton realizes people are going to come around challenging him now that he's not a drunk anymore and he's good with the iron! Is that a gun reference? I think it might be a golf reference!

So now we've got one story that kind of finished up and moved on to another one. Mr. Denton fought off his demons with a gun but now that gun threatens his life. Salesman Fate convinces Mr. Denton not to flee by giving him a potion that makes him the fastest draw in the west. Well, what a deal! Of course Mr. Denton is going to accept that deal even if he told that prostitute the story about killing the sixteen year old gunslinger that challenged him and how all the death led him to drink the rest of his life away. Why run away to save your life and stay sober when you're assured of being able to kill another jerk coming for you?!

Lastly, you need to think about how the big twist relates to the rest of the story (if there is a twist. In this one, there is! I think!). In this one, right before the final gunfight, Mr. Denton swigs his potion. But then he sees his young challenger swig the same potion! Oh no! Now they're both the fastest draw in the West! But they've gone too far to stop now. Besides, maybe one of those potions was to make the guy harder so he could fuck a prostitute after the gun battle. But neither was! Both were Dr. Fate's Super Fancy Speed-em Up Potions! So each gunslinger fires and shoots the other in the hand. The doctor rushes up and says, "Oh no! Now neither of you can ever fire a gun again!" And Mr. Denton says, "Yippee!" And the young guy says, "Aw, shucks!" But then Mr. Denton is all, "Be thankful, kid! You're life is going to be great now! Especially since we're in the Old West and there are prostitutes all over the place that can jerk you off since you can't even hold your tallywacker anymore!"

So that's the lesson, I guess. Violence is never the answer? And also drinking isn't the answer? And maybe running from a fight is also not the answer? But I bet smoking and fucking is still okay! Yippee ki ay!

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Inferior 5 #2

How is this not an Ambush Bug comic book?

Sometimes when you rewatch every episode of The Twilight Zone, as I'm doing slowly, you laugh at the things people believed in the Fifties and mock Rod Serling for being such a pathetic, lonely, needy auteur. And other times, you watch an episode like "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" and you are reminded to think, "Oh fuck. Yeah. Society hasn't changed a fucking bit. What are we doing? Rod Serling was a pathetic, lonely, needy genius!" This isn't my review of "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" because I haven't rewatched that one yet. But you know why I'm talking about it if you actually read the words on the cover I just scanned. The other episode that's a stark reminder of the hell we're living in is "Living Doll." Fuck that doll. Can't a grown man hate his stupid step-daughter without being thrown down the stairs and killed?

I won't be watching another episode of The Twilight Zone until tonight. Until then, I'm going to read Inferior 5 and also spend about four hours at work because my fucking asshole boss won't let me take every single day off. Also I'm my own boss. Self-hatred is a thing we find funny in the 21st century, right? Ha ha! I'm a piece of shit and I know it!

And that's why the Inferior 5 were so ahead of their time! They knew they sucked in the Sixties and were okay with it! What a perfect segue into this comic book! I hope it doesn't get interrupted by another digression!

You know, I've had serious thoughts about doing a review blog where I review all of my old blogs. If I didn't think this current blog wasn't already too niche and mostly written just for myself, I'd seriously consider doing the next level blog that would alienate everybody still reading this one. Possibly even me!

Oh, um, so Lisa and her weird friend who has totally convinced everybody that she's not an alien by constantly reminding them that she's not an alien have finally made contact with the kid from Metropolis. His mother was recently killed by canvas-headed Billy Shanker. That means he's been irreversibly pulled into the plot of this comic book. You know who else is being pulled into the plot of this comic book that gives me hope that Ambush Bug might eventually be as well?

Brother Power the Geek!

I immediately realized this was Brother Power the Geek because I'm constantly looking for references to Brother Power the Geek in DC comic books. Also, I'm sticking with my guess that the mysterious guy in the hazmat suit is Ambush Bug. It might also be Jonni DC except the shape isn't exactly right. Unless she's no longer round because her body updates along with the DC logo.

Hazmat Bug leaves Brother Power to meet up with Jenny Shanker, Billy's canvas-headed little sister. She doesn't have a red X on her face so maybe she's not super terrible. She just has a creepy smile. And instead of repeating nursery rhymes about cats lying about their winter wear, she simply repeats names. Not great but definitely not as scary.

Billy is currently making friends with either a parademon or a roided out Ambush Bug.

Billy winds up possessing Ambush Bug Hulk and loping off into the desert talking about kittens and pie. I could have worded that differently so that it sounded super dirty.

Billy Ambush Bug attacks Justin (the kid from Metropolis who is probably Merry Maker), Lisa (who must be The Blimp?), and her weird friend Helen who must be White Feather. Awkward Man and Dumb Bunny are probably off making out behind the record store right now. Later, we'll see Dumb Bunny with a look of shame on her face and Awkward Man trying to catch a glimpse of himself in every window he passes to see if he's physically changed in the way he feels he has after losing his virginity. You know how long I looked at my naked self in a mirror after I lost my virginity? Probably pretty long because I was fucking hot in my twenties. I mean at fifteen!

Okay, I guess I don't have to pretend Helen is human to save her reputation among her friends. I was just trying to keep a secret for once in my life.

You know how people will sometimes tell you something but then they give you a list of certain people that can't know the information they've just told you? Yeah, fuck that. I don't keep a data base in my head of who can know what things I've been told. I've told everybody I know straight up: "If you have information you don't want somebody else to know, don't fucking tell it to me. Because I will fuck up. Like that time my friend Brent told me how his girlfriend Simone had a dream where she had me hide in the closet so that I could watch them have sex. And then at a beer festival where we were all hanging out, I brought up the dream to Simone. And then Simone looked at Brent like she was going to flay him alive. And I just kept drinking my beer and thinking, 'Well, Brent, you should have known better!'"

Hazmat Ambush Bug calls off Billy Ambush Bug because his threats against Justin and Lisa do not cause any meta-genes to activate. I mean metal-genes. Just because the characters in this story from 1988 don't know that the mega-genes are actually metal-genes, it doesn't mean I have to pretend ignorance.

Lisa explains to Justin that there are only five kids in Dangerfield, Arizona, and the fifth one keeps getting killed. Justin is the new fifth one and he seems to be so sub-par that Hazmat Ambush Bug's boss has decided not to have him killed. So Billy Ambush Bug heads off to put his canvas bag back on his stupid head.

I can smell the sex all over them!

And then a revelation: Billy and Jenny Shanker might be Brother Power's children!

Meanwhile, the Dominator trying to create a sleeper cell to renew the invasion of Earth has Justin's mother (who isn't as dead as I thought, I guess?). Contrary to what Hazmat Ambush Bug believed, the Dominator thinks that Justin's metal-gene was activated by the encounter with Billy Ambush Bug. But since he doesn't care about anything happening in Dangerfield, Arizona, he ignores the new information. Which he'll probably regret later because the Inferior 5 are going to rise up and save the world! Probably by accident.

In the Peacemaker back-up, we learn that Peacemaker's helmet can talk. Or Peacemaker's head wound received during Crisis on Infinite Earths makes him think it can talk. Either way, he's leaving Russia to go investigate Dangerfield, Arizona. But he won't be going alone! Unbeknownst to him, KGBeast is tracking him!

Inferior 5 #2 Final Thoughts: All you need to know about me as a comic book fan is that I prefer Keith Giffen's art to Jim Lee's or David Finch's or Tony S. Daniel's or Bryan Hitch's or John Romita Jr's (but, I mean, who doesn't in that case, amirite?!). And I also like the way Giffen tells a story. He doesn't give it all over easily. He doesn't explain every single thing in narration boxes. He lets the characters talk and he lets the action play out and he doesn't give a shit if the reader has to put in a little work to figure out what's going on. I despise people who want easy to read stories! Which is good because those people probably like Scott Lobdell and I'm happy to be a person who despises fans of Scott Lobdell.

The Batman's Grave #1

Does Batman have to crash through skylights looking like the Batman logo to protect his trademark?

The first thing I thought when I read the title of this comic book was "No shit. He's a serious motherfucker. We need a new comic book to tell us that? Sure, it's by Warren Ellis so it'll probably tell us in an entertaining way. But it's like DC 101! Batman is grave! He's super...oh! Does this mean like a cemetery plot? Never mind." My first thoughts are always rambling and protracted.

I know I should be reading this story a year hence when it's collected so that I don't forget every twelfth part before reading the succeeding twelfth part. But here I am being a dum-dum because I can't pass up a Warren Ellis comic book. I mean, I guess I can. I haven't been reading Trees. I'll do that one correctly and wait for it to be collected!

The story begins with Alfred wasting his last remaining years tending to the graves of Martha and Thomas and Bruce Wayne. Record scratch. Guy confusedly saying, "WHHHAAAAAAA?!" That's right! Bruce Wayne's grave, jerks! He's dead! Ha ha ha! I guess this series is going to be twelve issues of beautiful poetry about the life growing up around Bruce's grave, the exact opposite of the life that didn't grow around Gotham during Bruce's life. It's a morality tale in twelve parts! Or maybe Alfred just pisses on it every day. It's his symbolic statement about how Bruce Wayne pissed his life away beating up street thugs when he could have truly helped Gotham with his enormous inheritance.

Oh darn. He's not dead yet. I guess I have to wait another eleven issues before I can laugh like a nihilistic misanthrope.

I know I've been harsh on Bryan Hitch in the past but mostly that was due to his writing, I think. Luckily, he's doing art for a Warren Ellis story and as the most unbiased comic book reviewer on the Internet, I would never dare say a bad word about Warren Ellis or the artist working on his story.

Bryan Hitch nails Batman in the Batmobile. Superb!

A couple are attacked in an alley with their child and Batman rushes down to save them because it's the most important thing he can do. If he doesn't save every family mugged in an alley, what did his parents die for? After he severely beats the shit out of the muggers, he puts the responsibility on whether they die or not on the victims of the attack.

See? Batman doesn't kill people. The victims who refuse to call an ambulance after Batman mortally wounds them kill people.

Batman heads off to investigate a suspicious death because sometimes he remembers he's a detective and not just a vengeful demon of the night. The dead guy was either a huge Batman fan or a stalker. Either way, somebody killed him and left no evidence. Not even a riddle. Batman pawns the investigation off to Gordon and goes back home for some tea and a calm British scolding.

Ha ha. I was right about the scolding but I was wrong about the tea. It's all scotch tonight. Also, I absolutely nailed the reason Alfred pisses on Bruce's grave.

Bruce's defense for beating the shit out of people on a nightly basis is that the people he beats the shit out of made the choice to be human pieces of shit. "Not everybody broken by the system and trapped in an endless cycle of poverty decides to work for The Penguin, Alfred!" he whines while kicking at shadows. So Batman's argument is that if he used his resources to help lift people out of poverty, he wouldn't get to enjoy kicking the shit out of people who made terrible decisions out of desperation. Why does Alfred hate Batman so much that he'd try to make him give up his only hobby?

Batman gets tired of Alfred scolding him and goes off to think about the murder. He talks it through and somehow realizes the killer must still be hiding under the floorboards under the bed. I don't know how he came to that conclusion. Probably because he's the World's Greatest Detective and I'm just a dumb asshole who still reads comic books at 48. Having realized he must be correct in his assumption, Batman rushes back to the apartment to discover the weirdo murderer hiding under the floorboards. "I was lonely," he says. And Batman nods and goes, "I get that. Now do you want your teeth knocked out or your liver bruised?"

Batman's Grave #1 Final Thoughts: Just like we believe that Doctor House cannot figure out the medical mystery from all the evidence and only ever comes up with the answer through a flash of insight brought on by a butterfly flapping its wings in China, so we believe Batman can figure out the answer to a mystery without any actual evidence pointing to the solution. We all know gut instinct is more powerful than scientific evidence! And that's why Batman is the best! Because it's way easier to write a story where the person states the facts of the story and then suddenly looks up, snaps his fingers, and shouts, "A-ha!" Then he runs off to solve the mystery while the reader thinks, "Did I miss something?!" I feel like I'm getting awfully close to criticizing Warren Ellis! Maybe I should just shut up and trust that things will be explained next issue!

Friday, November 1, 2019

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Two, "I Love to Pitch! Ah Ha Ha Ha!"

This episode called "One For the Angels" and written by Rod Serling isn't about being so lonely you go mad. Sure, it's only the second episode so it seems like writing about loneliness isn't a trend. But it will be! I'm absolutely positive about that!

In this episode, a dumb salesman is outwitted by Death so badly that he thinks he pulled one over on Death. But since he still dies at the end, I'm pretty sure Death schooled the shit out of Ed Wynn. See, this guy finds out he's about to die because Death tells him he's going to. Why does Death tell him? It doesn't make any sense, right? Because of course the salesman is going to rage against whatever it is that guy's dad is supposed to rage against when he finds out he's dying. I guess death!

Ed Wynn complains and tries to find a way out and Death tells him how somebody can get an extension on their life. Again, why?! Why start all this trouble in motion when Death could easily have just killed the guy at midnight and been done with it. That, I think, is where the heart of the story lies. Death knows what he's doing the entire time. Death is being kind. Death is giving this guy a chance to embrace his demise and to leave the world feeling like a hero. I imagine Death does this with as many people as he can because why not make the job about making people feel good? Especially when most of the time, Death is probably just coming up to a car accident and pulling the scared shitless soul out of the wreck and sending them off to Heaven or Hell.

Death allows Ed Wynn to live as long as he needs to make the greatest sales pitch he's ever made. That's the deal for the extension. But when Ed Wynn finds out that this extension comes at the expense of one of the neighborhood kids he loves, he tries to renege on the deal and die in her place. Death mentions early on that he knows how much Ed Wynn loves the kids. See, he's already foreshadowing his plan. Death doesn't let Wynn renege so Ed Wynn has to pitch some shitty ties to Death in order to make Death forget about killing the little girl. If he misses his appointment, the girl will have to live. And of course, Death tells this to Ed Wynn. Because how else would Ed Wynn know what to do so that Death can ultimately make him feel like a hero when he dies? Death puts on a good act, pretending to be so interested in Wynn's terrible tie sales pitch, that he spends fifteen minutes buying shitty ties from Ed Wynn. Eventually the clock strikes midnight and Death stands up horrified and shocked. "You made me miss my appointment to murder that girl! Aw, shucks!" he says totally unconvincingly. And so Death has to take the hero, Ed Wynn, too high from the greatest sales pitch he's ever made to rage against the dying of himself. What a stupid bastard.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1

Is this like Jason X: 2001?

In high school, a couple of my friends were really into Grendel. Eventually, I borrowed the entire run from one of them and read it, sometime in 1990 or 1991. The only thing I remember about it is that some guys named The Panzer Brothers drew pages that had about five hundred panels apiece. Also maybe Grendel was a devil or something? And he used some pitchfork thing? Also maybe he was a she sometimes? Look, my memory is terrible. The only things I remember clearly are the times my world came crashing down around me or the two times I did it with a woman. I mean three times. Four? Why not five dozen! Yeah, it was five dozen times. Does that sound like too many for a middle aged man? It's probably just about right for a middle aged man or a woman in her early twenties. And by "times" I mean different people! Unless that's too unbelievable. You know what? Shut up!

And since I have no memory or attachment to Grendel, you might be asking yourself the same question I'm asking myself: why the fuck did I purchase this?!

I don't have an answer to that question so I'm just going to start reading it and pretending I know what I'm talking about.

The issue begins with a little background: "A powerful, living weapon created by Grendel-Khan Orion Assante, Grendel Prime is a cyborg warrior who served his Khan by protecting his son, Jupiter Assante, and assisting on various missions. After several generations of Khans and their households have come and gone, Grendel Prime has fallen into seclusion, living a mysterious life away from humanity." That sounds like another way of saying, "This Grendel has nothing to do with that previous Grendel. Get over it, Fanboys." Of course, not knowing anything about Grendel, I may have missed some important interim issues that resulted in this sci-fi future.

Is this where I'd pop a big boner if I were a Grendel fanboy?

The flying head declared she likes to be referred to by female pronouns. I bet that pissed off a lot of comic book nerd boys. "Not you too, Grendel!" But then the head also wants to be known as "Siggy" and Grendel insists on calling it "Drone" or "Seven." So that probably sated the nerd boy rage around the issue. "Yeah, Grendel! Rebel against politeness, you bad ass motherfucker! Stick it to people by being purposefully rude!" Was this part of Grendel's appeal? He (or she?) was an anti-hero? I bet Grendel was really just a knock-off Batman!

Grendel experiences a flashback so the reader can understand what's going on. Earth has been ravaged by war and the Grendel-Khan line is on its last legs. Grendel has been tasked with carrying the DNA of the original Grendel-Khan, his two sisters, and his two wives into space to find a new planet to call home. A planet where he can clone the humans and begin again, peacefully. Although I already see a flaw in the "peacefully" department. One man and four women, two of whom are the man's sisters? That's not enough dick to go around!

Back to the new planet Grendel has landed on, Grendel discovers signs of intelligent and probably aggressive life. He's not supposed to attack any other species they find but he can defend himself. So he promptly strides right past their totem warnings swinging his great big two-pronged dick. "Just out for a stroll! Not being aggressive at all!" he probably would say if I were writing the dialogue.

Whew! I'm glad Grendel was attacked. I thought this book was going to be a big uneventful dud.

After Grendel slays the gigantic bug, an alien creature comes to greet him. Thanks to Siggy's translation ability, Grendel understands the alien when it asks if he's a God. Grendel doesn't answer at the end of this issue but if he's seen Ghostbusters, he knows what he's supposed to answer.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1 Rating: If Matt Wagner was Cullen Bunn and Matt Wagner had been hired by DC to write Aquaman, he would probably have just used this story and replaced Grendel with Aquaman. If you read Bunn's Aquaman, you know what I'm talking about. Also, I don't rate comic books anymore. Maybe I should change "Rating" to "Synopsis" or "Final Thoughts" next time!

Thursday, October 31, 2019

DCeased #6

My favorite time of year is movie poster variant month! But now that I buy so few DC comics, this is the only one I bought. I think.

At the end of the last issue, Superman had become a zombie and turned his undead wrath upon Earth. So I'm not sure why this is an extra-length issue. Won't it just be thirty pages of the Earth burning and everybody screaming and zombified Batman saying, "--tt--"? If Batman and Lex Luthor are dead, who else has the kryptonite needed to stop Superman from destroying the last vestiges of the human race? And why is Ambush Bug never even a part of Elseworlds stories?

Oh, I forgot that I mentioned Damian would probably have the Emergency Back-Up Plan B Superman Containment Option left to him by his dad.

Batman knew that if Green Arrow ever turned evil, he'd just eventually be shot by a cop.

Wonder Woman forges a magic sword from Damian's kryptonite and flies off to stab Superman in the face. I'm sure she'll kill him but then she'll turn. Then who will stop Wonder Woman? She should let Cyborg implant a bomb on her so that if she turns fighting Superman, he can just blow her up before she gets a chance to turn Green Lantern or Firestorm. Somebody has to come up with a way to stop this domino shitshow.

The arks were built before Martian Manhunter attacked. Maybe he was too scared of Firestorm's flaming head to attack immediately. Anyway, a bunch of people begin escaping on the two arks (which hold seven million people each) before Superman has been dealt with. I have a feeling seven million people are about to die screaming.

Poison Ivy chooses to remain on Earth and Harley chooses to remain with Poison Ivy. Then they bang for like ten pages. Or they would if DC liked money.

Bye bye giant penis! You're no longer needed down here!

Aquaman sees your giant penis ship and raises one gigantic vagina.

This is what a vagina looks like, right? Unshaved, obviously.

For the record, Mera has the best ass in the DC Universe. I know most everybody is scoffing and shouting "Dick Grayson!" at me. Some of you remember Supergirl's bum as being the best and, at the time, under Mahmud Asrar's watch, it absolutely was the best ass. But at this point, Mera's ass is canonically the finest ass in the DC Universe. And now I must stop writing about it or I'll need to take a secret break.

I still want to see Green Arrow in a foot race against Batman. Why am I the only one who wants that story?!

While the Atlanteans battle the Amazons (isn't that always the way?), Black Green Canary Lantern, Cyborg, and Wonder Woman battle Superman. Dinah begins by creating a huge bullhorn to amplify her sonic scream and, I mean, come on. Look at how eloquent my turns of phrase are in complimenting that attack! "I mean, come on" is like the biggest compliment I can give a writer for one of their ideas. It's like saying, "I didn't want to use any brain power to come up with a compliment because all of my brain power was being diverted to appreciating your idea." My second biggest compliment is offering to jerk off the writer (I am of the firm belief that the term "jerk off" is non-gendered so don't think I'm just willing to pull some puds. I can bang some fingers too!).

The Amazons remain behind to fight off the Atlanteans while the second ark takes off. To keep the arks safe, Wonder Woman cuts off Superman's arm and stabs him in the chest. But of course Superman punches her in the ovaries and bam! She's now one of them! She gives her magic kryptonite sword to Dinah so Dinah can finish him before he destroys the arks. Cyborg remains behind as penance for starting this entire catastrophe. I always knew he was a terrible character. If only Marv Wolfman would have left him as a brainless toaster back in The New Titans.

As Superman nears the arks, Superboy has to leave to battle him to buy the arks more time. Lois is all, "Yeah, yeah. Hurry up. Save your mom now! So sad! Good luck!" Then she begins thinking up a great first sentence for the article she'll write that will win the first Martian Pulitzer.

As Superboy is knocked out by his dad, the entire Green Lantern Corps finally arrive led by Guy Gardner. Finally! A real hero that can stop this disaster from spreading! I suppose if Guy can't end this catastrophe, the world's last hope will be Lobo.

I love him so much. Mostly because I love me and, I mean, he just defined me in describing himself!

Superman flees into the sun and begins devouring it. I suppose that's something I've always known Superman could do. Sure, his big plan to stop the virus from turning him was to fly into space and asphyxiate. But he can also consume an entire sun. I think maybe Batman was right about living Superman. He just wasn't imaginative enough to ever stop Batman. It took the Anti-Life equation to bring out the best in him.

The Green Lantern Corps escort the arks out of the soon-to-be-dead solar system and on to their Earth 2. If only they knew how terrible Earth 2 is! Poor survivors.

Back on Earth, Cyborg learns the cure was in him all along. So he clicks his heels together and Wonder Woman snaps his neck. Oh well! Goodbye, Earth! Goodbye, Sol! Goodbye!

DCeased #6 Rating: This one time, I ate half a bag of hallucinatory mushrooms and went out to a club. While at the club, I had to pee. At least I felt like I had to pee. Sometimes when you're on mushrooms, it's hard to tell if you really need to pee or not. While waiting for a urinal to be free, I realized how awkward it was to wait to pee while not watching other people pee but also needing to sort of watch them pee so you don't miss out on a free urinal. Reading this series wasn't anything like that.

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode One: "I'm So Lonely. So, So, So, So, So Fucking Lonely."

If you're old enough, you'll remember a time when space exploration was less about trying to find a way for our species' continued survival because we were too stubborn and stupid and super stupid to stop making our planet an unlivable hellscape and more about how lonely we were as a species to find somebody else to talk to. I guess we could have tried talking to the dolphins since our main problem with finding another intelligent species is going to be the language barrier anyway. Although it seems we've always just expected the other species from space to be so superior in intelligence that they'll have figured the language problem out for us. And dolphins are kind of weird and off-putting. We needed to find some race out there that looked like us! Our species was so lonely that the only foreseeable problem with searching the universe for other sentient species that looked like us was surviving the loneliness of space travel while doing so. That's the problem Rod Serling tackles in the first episode of The Twilight Zone (as well as about seventy percent of the other episodes he wrote), "Where is Everybody?"

A man wakes up to find himself in a familiar small town landscape but with no memory of who or where he is. And by "wakes up," I mean he "suddenly becomes conscience of his existence in the middle of a road while walking toward a deserted diner and wearing nothing but his Air Force coveralls." He's frustrated not simply because nobody is around but because he seems to just be missing them as they disappear: a jukebox playing mid-song, a coffee pot boiling on the stove (and pies baking on the other burners. Is that how pies are made? There are some in the oven too which is the more conventional way, right? Or maybe it's just the protagonist's desire for a good pie that causes pies to be everywhere), a cigar still burning on a desk, a phone ringing in a phone booth. What the hell is going on here?!

Well, let me tell you before I discuss the episode any further because in this early episode, the audience actually finds out what's going on. That isn't always the case in later episodes which are probably more effective than this one. He's an astronaut in training that's been trapped alone in a box for nearly three weeks while a bunch of army officers sit in a warehouse watching him go mad. They don't go mad because they have each other for company. I'm also assuming they're not covered in piss and shit because the warehouse probably has a bathroom. The small box the astronaut-in-training has been shoved in definitely does not have a bathroom. It's possible the reason he went mad wasn't because he was lonely but because his blood had filled up with toxic levels of urea.

At the end of the episode, the astronaut realizes he'd been hallucinating and is assured by his higher ups that his torture is only beginning. For even though this test was almost certainly not successful, he'll still be trapped alone in a small cube as he visits the moon sometime later. Maybe the point is that they've yet to figure out how to keep a man from going crazy from loneliness and so they can't quite send somebody on a moon shot yet. But it seems to me, the guy in charge is all, "Get used to it, man! It'll be the same on your next trip around the moon!" And the astronaut probably said, "Can I at least have a toilet?!"

This episode is probably the reason Ripley gets to have a cat when she travels to Saturn. Sure, the official explanation is that he's there for rodent control. But I'm sure he's meant to keep the crew from going crazy. I know, I know: "Why would the crew go crazy from loneliness if they have each other?" Well, people suck and people will eventually stop speaking with other people. The cat, at least, won't judge. Probably.

During the protagonist's hallucination, he occasionally figures he's dreaming and will wake up. So he's, at least, got that right. Maybe that was a conscious set-up so that in future episodes, Rod Serling could make the audience think, "Surely this is just a dream like that first episode!" But then Rod could pull the rug out from under them and be all, "Ha ha! No! It's not a dream at all! They're dolls in a Santa's charity bin!" And the audience would be all, "Oh! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!" Although sometimes it's still a dream! But generally the dream is only being dreamed because it's more pleasant (or worse in a better way?) than the reality the dreamer experiences while awake! I just found it odd that the protagonist nails the whole dream thing. I guess because it's actually a delusion brought on by high levels of urea in his blood and also loneliness, he wasn't completely correct.

At one point, the deluded astronaut quotes Ebenezer Scrooge from Dickens' A Christmas Carol. When he's trying to convince himself it's a dream, he recalls the speech Scrooge gives to Jacob Marley's ghost about how he's probably not real and just the results of something he ate. He ends his speech with something like "You've got more gravy about you than the grave." Which makes me have to ask: is Ebenezer Scrooge a gay icon and if not, why not? That's a great fucking read right there. That line alone is better than all the reasons the Babadook became a gay icon which are, um, well I don't know why the Babadook became a gay icon. Because of his snazzy dress style and because he liked to hang around with lonely boys? Obviously the only think I know about gay culture, I learned from the song "Y.M.C.A."

This episode says a lot more about Rod Serling than it says about humanity. I get it: the guy was fucking afraid to be alone. Maybe I wouldn't make that statement after watching this one episode but I've seen them all before and if the end credits said, "Written by Rod Serling," you can bet it was about how terrible loneliness is. I watched this episode and wasn't move a bit by the astronaut's breakdown nor by the General's impassioned speech at the end about how mankind has broken every barrier but the loneliness barrier! I thought, "These fuckers are military?! What is wrong with these cry babies?! Maybe just find somebody less pathetic to send to the moon! Fuck, I'd love to spend three weeks by myself! But maybe throw in a cat too?"

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

DCeased #5

I can't remember. Is Superman a zombie or Wonder Woman?

I've had pretty bad headaches over the last few days so I'm probably dying. But before I do, I'd really like to finish reading all of these comic books I've already paid for.

Theoretically, I love Elseworlds stories. I like the potential in Elseworlds stories. I love a writer taking something the audience is familiar with and losing all of the continuity fencing which keeps some really entertaining stories penned in. But realistically? A lot of them fucking suck. Just like stories that remain in continuity. DCeased lives in the theoretical realm in that it's a story I love. I guess it's also in the actual realm of reality because it exists. But it probably only does both of those things because Tom Taylor is writing it. Why hasn't DC just given Tom Taylor carte blanche to do whatever stories he wants? Sure, Earth 2 fucking sucked but that wasn't his fault! He was just the relief writer brought in after James Robinson allowed five thousand home runs against him. Did Tom invent pacifist Superman? If so, that was a great idea. But not long after that, pacifist Superman showed he wasn't much of a pacifist at all. Did he remain a pacifist during Taylor's run? I can't remember. Anyway, I shouldn't hold Earth 2 against Tom Taylor, no matter how boring and confusing and enraging it was.

DCeased began when Cyborg caught a sexually transmitted Apokoliptian disease and spread it all over Earth via social media. Now the only heroes left are ones that never look at screens, like Jonah Hex and Etrigan the Demon and Doctor Mid-nite. That was a joke but now I want to read a comic book where those guys team up.

Last issue ended with Captain Atom blowing up, destroying DC, Baltimore, and Metropolis.

Oh sure. Now that it's a smoking hole, it's suddenly "our" city!

Flash, Wonder Woman, and Superman wage war on the Internet by attacking its foundations. That's the only way to win: by disabling servers, satellites, and underwater transatlantic cables. Otherwise you're just feeding the trolls. Imagine if Superman left a comment telling me I needed to stop blogging because I was endangering the lives of everyone on Earth. He'd be met with a harsh "Go away, dum-dum!" and it would serve him right!

The world's survivors need a place to survive so the heroes choose Paradise Island and Gotham City. Sure, Gotham City was going to be covered in nuclear fallout soon but it was currently a jungle safe haven built by Poison Ivy. I'm sure she has plants that can protect against radiation, like sunflowers, Black Orchids, and Swamp Things.

Oh, there was one other place that was a safe haven: the Fortress of Solitude.

But it's apparently only for VIPs.

Imagine being the Amazons of Paradise Island and reluctantly allowing refugees of man's world onto the island only to find out that Superman wasn't letting any normals into his home. I'd be fucking pissed! And for good reason even if a bunch of Magic the Gathering playing, turd licking, Watchmen-series dissing hatebeards were all, "Oh! Look how emotional the women are getting!" Poison Ivy makes some rules about not harming plants for people to stay in Gotham Jungle. I hope the Amazons have rules about not arguing about how a Maze of Ith interacts with a Serra Angel and shutting the fuck up about not-all-men.

While arguing about whether or not the humans need to flee Earth, Lex Luthor claims he's the most intelligent person on the planet. He then double checks to make sure Batman's dead before repeating the claim. I don't think this is Lex admitting that Batman is smarter than he is. Sure, it's Tom Taylor trying to admit that! I just think Lex Luthor knows there are several people smarter than him but only Batman could figure out who they are. Like Doctor Smarty Pants the Omniologist that Scott Lobdell created during his Superman run. Why can't I remember her name?! She must have been smarter than Luthor! Although everybody Scott Lobdell wrote was supposedly a genius. Imagine thinking you're smart enough to write a realistic genius! Only a dum-dum could be that dumb!

Lex is just the kind of guy to blame a baby for the loss of its homeworld. Dick.

How many tacos do you think Lex could eat in one sitting? I bet it's something embarrassingly small like three. Sans salsa too.

Of course Lois Lane punches Lex in the face on the next page. I was totally going to predict it because I totally expected the woman to get super emotional. Also, because the Maze of Ith targets an attacking creature, even though it explicitly states the creature untaps, the attacking creature doesn't have to be tapped for it to work on it.

Everybody jerks off while Lex's nose bleeds and Superman fucks Lois softly because he's so turned on by her show of power. Also, fucking softly is the way Kryptonians fuck Earthlings hard. Lois usually can't walk for three weeks after a good soft Kryptonian fucking.

Eventually, after feeling safe, zombie Martian Manhunter decided to show up to remind everybody who the most powerful DC hero really is. Sure, his weakness is super common. But nobody thought to bring any Oreos to the Fortress of Solitude. The Flash is turned into a zombie before Firestorm remembers he can make Oreos out of anything lying around and defeats J'onn easily. But now everybody is screwed because the fastest man in the world can now turn people into zombies. Also the smartest man in the world because Lex was attacked first. Mister Terrific should really think about getting his own series now that he's the smartest person on Earth.

Superman flies off to stop Flash. He can't outrun him (unless it's for charity, I guess) so he flies around the world the opposite way and smashes right through him. Superman winds up with a few of Flash's fingers stuck in him so now he's infected too! He goes to the Fortress to say a bunch of insipid goodbyes to his family at super speed (Wally connects them to the Speed Force to make it possible. Or whatever) and then tries to fly into space to die in a vacuum. But before he can make it, he turns into a zombie. So I guess everybody is fucked, right? Unless Batman taught Damian how to kill Superman. Unless the last page of this issue, where Superman turns back to Earth and blasts it with his heat vision, is Superman doing the smart thing and incinerating Damian from a safe distance.

DCeased #5 Rating: This series is so good your mama wouldn't stop reading it while I carried her groceries in from the car. Zing!