Catwoman #47

I would never make a fart joke about this cover. Possibly a shart joke though.

Some people might disagree with me but I think the saddest moment on American television was that episode of 90210 which was advertised as a story about the suicide of one of the original cast members! Everybody who didn't know me was going crazy wondering which character it would be! Would Dylan finally snap?! What about Brenda?! But I simply saw the commercial and thought, "Great. They're going to bring back David Silver's best friend from the first season just so he can blow his brains out!" Which, of course, it was. David Silver's best friend whom he ditched to become a cool main character instead of a nerdy underclassmen punching bag. Why not bring him back for the most depressing event ever?! Have him point out to David how he stopped being his friend and left him alone to navigate the perilous waters of Beverly Hills High! Of course he killed himself! Just like Ryan Seacrest's co-host from the first season of American Idol probably put a gun in his mouth too! I don't even have to look that up. I'm positive that's what happened to that guy.

My mind is on sad things because Frank Tieri is now writing Catwoman. The most positive thing I can say about this creative change is that at least it's not Ann Nocenti. I should probably think up some good ways to describe horrible writing before I dive into the story! I've probably used the shit analogy far too many times. And I've often questioned the decisions of artist's parents to procreate, so I shouldn't do much more of that. Besides, it's a comment like that which got me blocked by Cullen Bunn on Twitter. How was I supposed to know that he spends his free time searching for tweets containing his own name?! It's not like I direct messaged him or hashtagged him or at-symbolled him! Are those things? They kind of sound like sex acts.

This issue takes place in Brooklyn because Catwoman obviously wants to get Harley Quinn to guest star in her comic book for a bump in sales. The opening scene takes place at Club Odessa which is a coincidence because in my last commentary I transcribed a letter from my friend Odessa! Um, I mean "Otessa"! That's what I called her to preserve her anonymity! Just like I call myself Tess instead of Jeff!

Catwoman has decided to rob a dangerous Russian mobster named Nikolai the Bear in the middle of ladies night at his club.

I really want to get started attacking the writing but let's start with the art! When I burgle an office, I almost always take a moment to pose sexily on the desk.

Catwoman is caught in the act. Serves her right robbing the club while it was open. Now she's going to have to dodge Russian mob bullets! And probably fistfight Nikolai the Bear! If she knew him better, she might fuckfight him. But I think she's still hung up on Batman.

Since I took a shot at the art earlier without sincerely commenting on the art but on the composition, let me say that I'm actually enjoying it. Especially this look on Selina's face during the fistfight:

So what are a concrete wall's vulnerabilities?

As Nikolai rolls on the ground and grabs his balls which is the only thing a guy can do when he's been kicked in them (it's some kind of natural instinct or something), Catwoman begins dodging those Russian bullets I predicted earlier! Then she escapes by crashing through a window and, presumably, landing on her feet and running away hissing.

Later, the art isn't as good. I think maybe Inaki rushed a few pages when Seleni meets to eat pizza with a big fat hairy guy. His name is Louis the Mustache and he's Selina's fence. She says he's been her fence since she was a teenager but the fence she was with when this comic book began didn't have a mustache! Also she died. But maybe Selina was only using that fence because Louis the Mustache had moved to Brooklyn.

This is the kind of family I love! The kind I never knew existed and never tries to get into contact!

I don't know what's up with Selina's make-up. Maybe her goggles are just on too tight and breaking all the blood vessels around her eyes.

Louis has another job for her. Not only is it another job, it's THE JOB! It's a career-ender! It's stealing the Frost Diamond and it's the biggest job Selina could ever think of doing which is the perfect first story arc to make Frank Tieri think, "Oh fuck. Now how do I make the next job more exciting?!" But Louis says the client doesn't want his identity to be known which is a dealbreaker for Selina for some reason. I don't know why! She's just stealing something to sell to her fence! She isn't a bounty hunter! Why the fuck does she care who's getting the jewels? I guess she has a Code just like Twat Lobo.

Selina refuses but then Louis the Mustache says that he's dying. Oh no! Not Louis the Mustache! He means so much to Selina! If you don't believe me, reread that previous panel I scanned! See? He's family! This is so sad! He only has two years which is...well, that's not so bad, right?! Two years! That's still a lot of Catwoman story arcs! By the time two years comes around, Frank Tieri will be off the book and maybe the next writer will forget about the stomach cancer altogether! Hell, the next writer will probably just forget about Louis himself!

The Frost Diamond is the biggest black diamond ever which is totally fucking untrue and Selina knows it! I'm surprised she'd have anything to do with a black diamond after her last brush with one.

Why is she reading about the Front Diamond? Isn't it the Frost Diamond she's after?! I'm confused!

Selina is still working with Alice Tesla which is probably where she got her high tech goggles. Alice is a young wunderkind who can do anything with technology. She also says stupid things like "To paraphrase Mister Miyagi...lights on...lights off." Are you fucking kidding me?! If the quote is "wax on, wax off," you can't just change the verb and say you're paraphrasing a movie quote! You're just saying something completely different! Besides, what makes Alice think she needed to even fucking mention Mister Miyagi in this context? Just fucking say, "Lights out, motherfuckers! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Alice Tesla in da hizz-ouse!"

That wasn't any better, was it? I feel dirty.

Catwoman easily steals the Frost Diamond and delivers it to Louis the Mustache who probably should have gotten a second opinion.

Two years?! It was more like two pages!

Six cops bust through the door before Catwoman can get away. I know what you're thinking. "That must have been a big door!" No, no. It was a regular size door and even though Catwoman was already halfway out of the window, six cops get the jump on her before she can jump herself. Which seems a bit ridiculous when earlier she crashed through a plate glass window at even higher up while being shot at by Russians. This time she just decides to give up. Coward!

Catwoman #47 Rating: -5 Ranking. It actually wasn't "-5 Ranking" bad but I just can't allow a Frank Tieri book to continue at the same spot as a Genevieve Valentine book. But it also wasn't good so I don't mind lowering it. It was simply standard comic book fare. Catwoman burgles. Catwoman's fence dies. Catwoman gets caught in a set-up. I'm pretty sure I've read this story eighteen times already.