Thursday, January 7, 2016

Constantine the Hellblazer #7

Worst picnic ever. Which is pretty bad because picnics are shit.

Do Millennials know what picnics are? Are they even allowed to go outside? Do they want to?! I mean, obviously they want to get outside of their parent's supervision which means going out of their parent's house. But that's just to get inside somewhere else, right? Outside is boring and gross and probably Islamophobic. Not that I ever really wanted to go outside much in the eighties once I got my Apple IIe computer. But I sort of had to go outside to hang out with my friends because we weren't tethered by a mass of devices which provided instant communication with each other. We had to drag our asses somewhere else to speak face to face. It was awful! Although all the girls I had crushes on were friends of my female cousin so I always wanted to be at my aunt and uncle's house anyway. And all the biking I did riding BMX bikes up from the valley to the top of the Santa Cruz Mountains and, occasionally over the other side into Santa Cruz, I didn't really want to do! I mean, it made me fit and gave me a body that women wanted to have sex with, so that was a good thing. And it allowed me to spend time with my friends who loved the torturous ride up the mountain. And I did love the ride down the mountain even if it almost cost me my life on a couple of occasions! But all that exercise and outdoor air and weather and sun and crap?! I'd rather have been home playing an Infocom game or the new Wizardry!

This issue is called "Twisted Anatomy" which is probably some kind of sly wink at the time Swamp Thing became a character worth reading. I'm not going to argue with anybody who thought Swamp Thing was a good comic book before Alan Moore's "Anatomy Lesson" because you're wrong and I don't want to waste my time. Just suck up the loss this time and shake my hand and congratulate me on winning this debate and we'll get back to Constantine.

A couple of sexers are torn apart in a park by a bunch of evil dryads. "Sexers" is my word for "sexters" but who don't use a phone. Doing it in person--instead of masturbating while taking pictures of yourself and accidentally sending them to everybody in your phone book--is totally going to become super popular some day.

Constantine has just had some sexing too! But he didn't get torn apart by dryads.

John really is distracted if he thought any message he was receiving would have been appropriate to play in front of his lover.

I wish Ming and James would have John use his lover's name so I can speak about him like he's a real person and not just one of Constantine's accessories! I mean, Scott Lobdell would have rewritten the entire last issue in the first four pages of the next month's comic book. Not that I'm asking for that! I'm asking for something between not mentioning a fairly new character's name at least once and wasting four pages repeating shit that wasn't interesting the first time I read it. Like how about this for a compromise? Mention the guy's name one time!

Anyway, John's fucktoy discovers that Constantine's bathtub is clogged with Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing has a problem with the Green. That was an obvious statement, wasn't it? It's not like he'd come around for tea or some Netflix, right? So he tells John about some trees in Central Park that have been eating lovers.

Well, maybe not people. But some plants do eat meat, so what's the problem?!

Swamp Thing says some things that I could summarize really quickly but I'm going to draw out at length so that I have a bit of a word buffer before I insert another scanned panel that's just too adorable and vulgar for words and crotches. Central Park in New York City (not to be confused with Central Perk in Fake TV-Land New York City) has become closed to his Swamp-Thing-Sense. He needs Constantine to become Johnny Swampthingseed and spread Swamp Things jism all over the park so he can once again take control of it. That's probably enough words now.

These two are so cute together.

Constantine takes a bundle of little Swamp Things into the park to let them run wild and plant themselves everywhere to allow Swamp Thing to enter Central Park. The little Swamp Things are as cute as ever. They'll probably all be killed.

Constantine mentions the kid fiddling with the helmet of Fate which is a strange thing to mention when everybody in New York seems unworried about the flooding that's ending the world. Maybe this takes place after the first story arc of Doctor Fate ends which--extrapolating based on how long it feels it's run so far--forever and ever.

Constantine scares away some women about to have sex which is really disappointing. But I guess he needed their sexy mojo and then his urine to summon up the Dryads.

Ugh! I hated having to babysit newbies on their first trip!

The Dryads are just raving toddlers so Swamp Thing brings back the Mother of All Dryads to teach them to be peaceful. And just like that, the sexy tree adventure is over. It's really just another piece of evidence that John's New York is going full Ghostbusters.

After the adventure, Swamp Thing gives John some love advice. His advice is not to.

Constantine heads home thinking about the danger he's putting Oliver in. Oliver! That's what I though his name was but then I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of feeling secure about my guess because I assumed I was only thinking of Oliver because of John Oliver. Stupid brain is smarter than I realized.

John gets home and calls Oliver to break up. But Papa Midnite answers the phone because Oliver is naked and ready to be sacrificed with mystic symbols all over his chest and--oh yeah!--tied up at the moment. I knew there was a cliche in there somewhere!

Constantine the Hellblazer #7 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to wish death on poor old Oliver but we can't be playing now, can we? John gets all of his friends killed eventually so why should Oliver be any different? Okay, sure! I'll give you that he doesn't need to be killed immediately! He can survive this thing with Papa Midnite and then tell John that he's willing to risk a relationship with him and maybe even help him on some ghost hunts. He'll be all super into it and it'll make his dick as hard as rock and he and John will end every magical adventure filling each other up with come! But he'd eventually better fucking die, goddammit!

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